goodbye lover 1, originally uploaded by maiacb.

One of my favorite Chinese stories is about letting go of the past:

Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk accross because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up to a her, lifted her in his arms, left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery.

In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman ?”

The elder monk answered “Yes, brother”.

Then the younger monk asks again, ” But then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside ?”

The elder monk smiled at him and told him ” I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her “

I used to live in the past and the future. I only focused on what had happened to me, and what I was going to do to fix it, so I could have the future I envisioned. I forgot to do one thing: Live in the present.

The present is the only place that I want to live now. If something occurs that makes me feel an ounce of unhappiness, I hash it out right then and there, so I don’t have to think about it hours or days later. It’s one of the reasons that I love blogging. It’s a great outlet to quickly let go all the emotions you are feeling, so you are able to enjoy your life. One of things in my past that I had a hard time letting go of were two of my exes, especially one of them.

I kept thinking about all the “What If” scenarios that could have saved our relationship, but I now understand that there are times that things just don’t work out. This morning I woke up to read a text message from my ex. I loved this person very much, and I still do. However, I now understand that I don’t want to go down that route again. My old blog and diaries reinforced this because all I talked about was how unhappy I was with all the stuff that happened between us. I am not going to let history repeat itself.

My life now is different than it was when I first started this blog. I am so much happier now than before. I smile effortlessly, rarely complain, and I will try anything once, even if I might fail. I replied back to my ex, who said how life is better now:

I am happy that you are happy. You will now find people who are a reflection of you. I wish you luck.

My ex kept texting about seeing me again and how I special I am. However, I didn’t respond. For the first time, I realize that it’s called the past for a reason.

Awesome Animae, originally uploaded by grimlok2k6.

“We could never be in a relationship because you are too strong willed.”

My friend said this out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. All I could muster was, “Why are we discussing this? We are never going to think of each other in that way.”

He said, “I just said it because I was thinking about it. You would probably rule the relationship.”

I know that this is one of the reasons that I am still single, and it’s sad that being a strong woman scares some guys away. It was the ending of a weekend where I kept thinking about my life and ever being with someone.

Lately I have this feeling that I am going to end up alone. I don’t know why I all of a sudden have been thinking this, but I have. When he said this, I realized that I probably will. I tried explaining to him that I have to be strong because I have two children who depend on me, and I don’t want to let them down. I also said that I was raised this way, and that I am proud of it. I now know that I wasn’t really talking to him, but to myself.

I don’t understand why this is such a turnoff for some guys.  Maybe because they think that “you would be in control of the relationship.”  Who knows.

Maybe I will find a guy who appreciates strength and will want to go on this journey called life with me.  However, I am not going to settle or change my personality for that to happen.

9 photos, 3 videos | 0 views | Add a comment?

items are from between 11 Jul 2009 & 12 Jul 2009.

My parents took Cebastian fishing this morning. He caught ten fish and was very proud of himself, which he should be. This is why I love my parents here with us. My dad takes over that role that my ex should be doing.

Posted via web from Mi Vida Loca

The pool party was a success. Everyone had a great time, and I had everything running smoothly. The cupcake cake from Wegmans was amazing, and I will definitely be getting my cakes from there from now on.

My ex barely helped, and I am glad that everyone noticed. At the end, he finally said he would help me financially, but I think it was probably cause his parents were standing right there. My sister’s fiancee said the funniest thing to him.

“Your parents are so cool. What happened to you?”

He tried to pretend he was joking, but he really wasn’t.

My parents and his helped me tons, and I am so thankful that I had them there.

Cebastian and Isabelle are lucky to have such great grandparents. There are many children who don’t, and they are lucky that they have three sets.

Overall, the party was awesome, the kids had a great time, and I am not as tired as I thought I would be.

Isabelle turns six today, and I am happy but sad.  She is growing up so quickly that I don’t want to blink.  Today is her pool party, and so I wanted to write this before I started running around.

Best Mom Note Ever, originally uploaded by dreamingindc.

There were two reasons that I was so happy for these notes:

1. Is the obvious.  The fact that the kids would write that I am the best mom ever shows me that I must be doing something right.  I felt appreciation for the things that I am doing.
2. They could have watched TV or played on the computer, but instead they decided to use the notecards that I have on the coffee table to write.

I want my children to love reading and writing.  Writing is a skill that is slowly dying in this country, and I want them to be masters of it.  I see how I never have to worry about getting a job due to the fact that I am a Writer, so I want them to have the same (or better) opportunities that I have.

I now have the note at work, so when I am stressed out, I can look over and see these wonderful words.

BookMooch Journal: Dear Diary, originally uploaded by aliciaed.

Since I was around nine, I have kept some type of diary. I got the idea after reading “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” Even though there wasn’t a diary in the story, I felt that it could be my own way to write my inner feelings down.  In all the diaries I have kept, I have written all the wonderful and painful experiences in my life. In 2001, I discovered blogging. Since then, I have always had a blog. People sometimes ask me how I can write such private thoughts where everyone can see. I respond that these are not my most private, deepest thoughts because those I reserve for my own personal diary.  However, it is sometimes wonderful to talk to people who are not part of you life, who have been where you are. I still have my most recent Blogger blog, and I skimmed through it just now. Wow, I have grown so much, both as a person and Writer.

My old blog posts were short, but you could sense the pain that I was feeling during this time. Usually you want to remember the good times with someone and tend to mask the bad parts. Reading my old blog, I now know that the reality is that there were far more bad times than good ones. I am better off single and happy, like I am now. Since January, I have felt pretty much complete. Like many people, you sometimes fall back to that depressive state. However, I am now able to pick myself up and realize that I have a pretty great life.

I feel that if I didn’t keep a blog or diary, I would not be here today.  They saved my life, especially when I felt like the only way to stop the pain was to end my life.  I really don’t know what I would do without my blog and diary. They are my best friends through my life. When I fill up a diary, I am able to save and read it at a later time. It’s good to do that after some time has passed, so you can A. get some perspective about your current state and B. ensure that you don’t let history repeat itself.

I am teaching my children to do the same because I want them to have the same fulfillment that I feel when I write in my blog/diary.  I want them to know that it doesn’t have to be words written in it, it can be pictures, videos, or doodles.  Just anything that will help you get through life.

42.365 – My Freedom, originally uploaded by nikilynn.

Before I hit rock bottom last fall, I had this mentality that everyone and everyone was to blame for what was happening to me except me. This is until I really started to look within myself and realized that all the issues I had were eventually my fault. I started reading books, like “Think and Grow Rich,” “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” “The Good Earth,” and the “The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich.” Even if someone or something was causing the turmoil, I always had a choice.

One of the examples Covey has in his book is of a woman who attended one of his seminars. She came up to him, and said how is having a horrible boss and hating her job, her fault. He said that it’s because she chooses to stay in that position, and not go elsewhere. It’s something that I have learned, and I am happy for it. If I do not like the way I am being treated, and I feel unhappy, then I need to leave the situation.

Before I had Cebastian, I worked for this IT company that was known not to treat their employees the best. The first contract that I was on was great because my Manager shielded us from all the crazy BS that was going on. When we lost the contract, I already had Cebastian, but my boss told me to get out. I was afraid and didn’t listen, so I remained. She was right. The next contract was horrible due to my new Manager and the new employees. It got to the point that I was seeing a counselor due to the crazy amounts of stress from these people. We had the capability of telecommuting. My Manager did it all the time, allowed the people he liked to do it, but for me, no. He finally fired me after I came in for the second time at 8:03 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. At that time, I had two babies, was living with a boyfriend who didn’t help financially for anything, and had crazy amounts of debt. However, I vowed that I would never be pushed into a position that I felt was a bad fit, regardless of how much pressure.

I now find myself about to be laid off at the end of July. At first, they said June, but they extended it to July. I have interviewed for a few positions, but I have only liked one. However, I didn’t get that position. The most recent one was in Arlington, VA on the client site. When I was on the interview, they said they were going to be relocating to Bolling Air Force Base, which would probably take me two hours to get to, in less than a year. My intuition told me to not take it.

Another red flag was the Manager who contacted me. I was at work, and my cell rang, and I was in the middle of something, so I let it go to voicemail. He called a second time right away. After that, he called my work number. I told him that I had to think about the position. We got off the phone, and he sends me an email. This is a tell-tale sign of a micro-manager. I responded saying that I am contemplating everything because I was also worried about the lack of telecommuting options. He said that was something that they couldn’t accommodate, and to please respond by the end of the day.  An hour had not passed before a recruiter contacted me. She said that the Manager had contacted her to call me. I had a WTF moment, but I tried to remain calm. I told her I would know in the next half hour. I thought about my life now and how it will be altered if I don’t have a job, but then I thought my happiness and the ability to always be there for my kids, so I emailed him and said that I am sorry, but no thanks.

Today I come into the office, and I have an email from my current Manager saying that the higher ups have been told that I turned down the position, and they want to know why. I basically responded that I had to think about my family, and so I couldn’t take the position.

At the end of the day, I might be broke and jobless, but my children will grow up remembering that I was with them every step of the way, and that is all that matters.

04/52: The Photographic Writer, originally uploaded by lancelonie (catching up real slow).

Experts say that you shouldn’t bring technology in your bedroom.  The bedroom is the place where you should relax and sleep.  Being a tech-obsessed person, I usually ignore this and bring my laptop in while watching television.  It’s time that I stop!

I’ve noticed that lately, I am sleeping later, which throws me off the next day because I am exhausted.  When I lived with my parents, I couldn’t do this because A. They didn’t have a wireless network and B. They kids and I slept in the same room.

I need to break this addiction.  From now on, the laptop stays out of the bedroom.  It will give my brain time to slow down, so I can relax before sleeping.  The television is another device that I need to turn off.  When I was in high school, I would read for 30 minutes before bedtime.  It’s something that I want to start doing.

Tonight, I plan to start on this quest.  I might fall off the wagon a few times, but I know that I can do it.

I really loathe how people idolize celebrities. It’s been a constant battle in my own family to have them stop this obsession with people (exceptions are celebrities like Robert De Niro) who haven’t done anything to deserve it. These celebrities are usually doing something that do not make them good and healthy role models. I hoped that my children wouldn’t fall victims to this mode of thought, but I have seen tidbits of it.

There is hope. Younger generations are starting to see people, like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, as heroes and people who they should aspire to be, which my generation has failed to see. It’s one of the reasons that I love that Intel commercial where the celebrities are the people who have created something to revolutionize our way of life and technology.

Even though I am not 100% sold on Obama, I will have to say that I am glad that he is being seen as someone to idolize in this celebrity-obsessed culture. Last night, while the kids and I were watching “Recess,” Cebastian turns to me.

“Mommy! I forgot to show you what I got!”

He runs into the other room and appears with a picture.

“It’s Obama. He is the President of the United States.”

The way he said it was with such admiration that it made me smile.

“He’s awesome!”

This morning when we were leaving the house, I looked at the side table where my Cebastian’s picture is. On the frame, was the picture of Obama that Cebastian had shown me.

I know others might say that it’s because Obama has become somewhat of a celebrity due to the media’s influence. I will have to say that this is the first time that I like what the media has done.