This weekend I was practically alone for almost all of it while the kids were with their dad. I had a thought. I just don’t seem to mind being alone. After Kristine passed away, there were times that I hated being alone because I felt so lonely without her here. However, I am now back to doing things alone, and not giving a damn that it’s that way. When the kids go to college, this will be my life, and I will miss them horribly but I will be at peace doing things on my own.

I’ve had friends who say they can’t do things alone, and they hate when they are by themselves.  I also have my ex who is always in a long-term relationship because he can’t be by himself.   To be alone for long periods of time, you have to actually be comfortable in your skin.

The funny thing is that when I feel the loneliest is when I’m in a relationship.  When I look back at my old diaries, I always felt so alone when I had someone by my side.  There are some people who are meant to be single for the rest of their lives, and I’m one of them.

I have never traveled alone, and I think that is the only thing I am afraid to do. Nevertheless, I’m not someone who will stay home doing nothing because I have never done it before. I will get up and do it, and I will probably love it. When the kids are on vacation, they can come with me.

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Source: s-antorini.tumblr.com via Cait on Pinterest

We are so focused on materialistic things like money, big houses, nice cars, etc. that we forget about what’s really important. The people in my life are what are important. My passions are also up there, and my ability to smile through anything. I’m living my life. I don’t care about what others think, and I could care less to have people filled with negativity around me. When are you going to live yours?

Source: google.com via Jentry on Pinterest

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When I was in my twenties, I imagined that by the time I was 30, I would own a single-family home, have my own business, be married, be on the path to have two more kids, and probably living somewhere in California. I’m 33, and none of these things have happened. A month ago, I felt like a total failure. I wondered how it’s possible that this life I am living is not the one I envisioned for myself. I’m slowly learning that I have to let go of the life that I thought I would have, and be happy with the one I am living.

Condo Living

I own a condo. Yes, it’s not a house, but I am living in a nice place. I am pretty much the loner type who doesn’t like to be bothered, so I’m kind of over having to be in such close proximity to other people who I don’t really care much about. I keep telling myself that it’s temporary. By next year, I will be living somewhere else. I’ve said it before. Never again will I ever live in a condo. Even when the kids are in college, and it’s just me. I just can’t. I already contacted my realtor and told her that I plan to start looking next summer (well, if I’m still living in this area).

Career Blues

I freelance part-time. I still have a full-time job, so it’s not what I envisioned for myself. However, I should be thankful that I’ve had the successes in my career that I do. Bethenny created her Skinnygirl empire at 40-something, so I still have time to get there. I just see others who have already reached their dreams, and I get frustrated that I haven’t. However, I’m not giving up.

California Dreamin’

I already talked to my company about relocating somewhere else. I told them that I prefer overseas, California, or Austin, TX. Since I was 17, I’ve wanted to move to California, so I’m going to work my hardest to make that happen. I will rent the condo out, and move away with the kids. There is really nothing keeping me here. My parents are usually in Panama, sister has her family and life in Baltimore, and my friends are all married, engaged, or taken. It’s just the kids and me, so it’s the best time to go.

…with the Picket Fence

I made the decision that finding a husband and having more kids is not something that is in the cards for me anymore. I have no desire to date, and I like being single. Also, my kids are 8 and 10, so I don’t care to have anymore kids. This is one area that I am content with how things are.

I know I’m not a failure. I am still pretty young, and I can achieve my dreams. I’ve always felt that things are always harder for me compared to others, but I also know that I’m stronger than many people. I think another problem is that I have always lived for others, and not for myself. It’s something that Kristine used to always get at me about. She always said that I never do what I want. I always sacrifice my happiness and desires for others. She’s right. I need to start being a bit selfish and start thinking about me.

I know I have a good life. Great kids, healthy, successful, and don’t need to depend on anyone. I will have a house one day, have the career that I want, and be living somewhere else.

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For years, I have been frustrated that I eat healthy and workout, but still can’t lose weight. As I mentioned before, I started doing Weight Watchers. Guess what?! I’ve lost ten pounds. My clothes fit better, and I smile when I look in the mirror. It seems that I was eating way too many carbohydrates and protein. Now that I’m doing this point system, I notice that even a food that is low calories is really not going to fit my meal plans for the day. I’m about to check off one New Year’s resolution, and I’m so happy.Tweet

Since I was a teenager, I have always wanted to live somewhere else. I love the DC area, but I wanted the chance to experience another city. During college, I had the chance to move to New York City, but I stayed behind to be near my little sister. I’m glad that I didn’t move to New York because then I wouldn’t have Cebastian and Isabelle. Therefore, things happen for a reason.

I was talking to my boss a few days ago, and he said that now that we work for an international company (our company got bought by them), I have the chance to relocate anywhere I want. It got me thinking that this is my chance to finally live in another city and/or country.  I talked to the kids, and they seemed willing to do it. I am pretty picky because the DC area is amazing. We have tons of diversity and culture, parks, amusement parks, beaches, great food, and the list keeps going. I want to find a place that is the same way.

I am currently in research mode. Here is my list of needs & wants:

• Diversity
• Culture
• Airport nearby
• Great schools
• Good weather
• Outdoor activities
• Something going on all the time

On my list, I have the following cities & countries:

• San Diego, CA
• Austin, TX
• United Kingdom
• Panama

I have been asking my friends who have successfully relocated how they did it, did their companies pay for their moving expenses, was it hard adjusting, did you have to go to the city to interview or was it done through video conferencing, etc.

I’m thinking that if I don’t have luck relocating within my company.  I will take the advice of just being an Independent Consultant again.

For people who have, how was your experience?

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I’ve had a tough week. It was one of those weeks that everything that could go wrong did. I’m one of those people who will feel sorry for herself for a few hours, but then I take action. The only person who can fix my mood is me. I started to feel like a failure and that everything I imagined for myself five years ago hasn’t happened.  I’m not 100% happy with my career, I am not living in a single-family home, I have no one’s help when it comes to the kids, and I never found the guy of my dreams.  I know I don’t have a bad life, and I have to realize that life isn’t always going to be what you imagined it would be.

While thinking, I decided to create a bucket list for my life now. A bucket list is a list of things you want to do, people you want to meet, places you want to visit before you die. Here is my bucket list:

Life-Long Wishes

1. Watch my children grow into happy adults
2. Live somewhere other than the DC area for awhile
3. Live in a $1-million home
4. Get a dog
5. Own a beach house
6. Save someone’s life
7. Learn to love my body
8. Achieve financial freedom
9. Speak at a middle school or high school
10. Get a tummy tuck
11. Become someone’s mentor
12. Be happy single

Travel

1. Take kids on a Disney Cruise
2. Go traveling alone with kids
3. Go on a Mediterranean Cruise
4. Travel to an exotic location alone
5. Go to Hong Kong
6. Go to Hawaii
7. Go to France
8. Go to Australia
9. Go to the Bahamas
10. Go to the Grand Canyon
11. Take a National Lampoon’s type of road trip
12. Go to Vietnam
13. Go to Switzerland
14. Go to Norway
15. Go to Las Vegas
16. Backpack through Europe
17. Travel first class
18. Go to Africa
19. Go to India
20. Walk into an airport and that day buy a ticket to travel
21. Go to Turkey
22. Go to Quebec
23. Go to Chicago

Personal Development

1. Write a book
2. Meditate every day
3. Go on a spa retreat
4. Get my MBA
5. Learn a third language

Career Dreams

1. Become CBAP certified
2. Get Proposal Writing certification
3. Be an authority in my field
4. Make $10/day by blogging

People I Want to Meet

1. Meet my grandchildren
2. Meet Michelle Obama
3. Meet my half-brother’s children
4. Meet Anthony Bourdain

Let’s Get Physical

1. Run a 10K
2. Host a 5K
3. Do a bicycle tour
4. Do a century ride
5. Take a boot camp
6. Be able to do the difficult yoga moves

Fun Activities

1. Ride a horse and watch the sunset
2. Attend the World Cup
3. Take kids to the Olympics
4. Go to Carnival
5. Go to Mardi Gras
6. Eat at the ten best restaurants in the United States
7. Cook an entire Thanksgiving meal
8. Bake a cake for my kids
9. Attend a murder mystery dinner
10. Plant a tree and watch it grow
11. Watch all of my friends and family achieve happiness
12. Stay at a castle
13. Go whale watching
14. Go cave hunting
15. Go to a California winery
16. Learn to DJ
17. See Machu Picchu in Peru
18. Take kids to Niagra Falls
19. Send a message in a bottle
20. Go white water rafting
21. Ride a gondola in Venice
22. Go to a fashion show
23. Get CPR certified
24. Ride a zipline
25. Go geocaching
26. Leave a letter in a library book
27. Donate to a library
28. Get a henna tattoo
29. Swim in a waterfall
30. Party in Ibiza
31. Go to Comi Con
32. Go to an anime conference
33. Tie a note to a balloon and let it go
34. Eat pizza in Italy
35. Learn to cook Panamanian food
36. Stay naked for an entire day
37. Bake a pie
38. Make lasagna
39. Go to a film festival
40. See a Broadway show
41. Eat at a food truck
42. Send a postcard to Postsecret
43. Take an art class
44. Go camping at a national park
45. Complete a coloring book
46. Read 100 best books ever

= 100 things to do before I kick the bucket

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For the past few years, I have been working out a lot. I am constantly doing something. Whether it be running, biking, yoga, zumba, and the list keeps going. Also, I usually eat pretty healthy . However, with all the exercising I do and eating healthy, I still haven’t been able to lose weight. I’ve actually gained weight.It is kind of frustrating.  Actually, it’s REALLY frustrating. The last time I went out, I felt  super obese next to my friends, so that’s when I had enough. I have decided to try Weight Watchers Online for three months.

When I saw the commercials of Jennifer Hudson, the first thing that popped into my head is that she probably had a team of people helping her to lose the weight.  I found out that she actually did it on her own, and then Weight Watchers contacted her to be their spokesperson.  The girl looks damn good, so I am hoping that I have similar results. I don’t have to lose tons of weight.  My goal is to lose 15 pounds. If I keep it up, I can lose that in three to four months. I just have to keep at it.

Here’s to me losing weight (finally).

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Sleep is probably one of the only things that everyone loves. You close your eyes and are able to drift away from everyday worries. I am trying to start sleeping eight hours a night. I’m a night owl, so it’s hard for me to go to sleep before 12. However, I am then struggling the next day to get up. It affects our morning routine, and I can’t blame anyone but myself.

Last night I stayed up way past my bedtime because one of my WordPress sites was hacked. My provider didn’t help, so I had to edit some of the php files, reinstall some files, delete all my plugins, and the list keeps going. You can imagine that I was not trying to get up this morning. I am yawning and trying to keep my eyes open.  I can’t complain much because I was able to dream.

Dreaming is one of the greatest things about sleeping. My dream was a bit crazy last night, but that was towards the end. I didn’t figure out the first (and best) part of the dream until I was talking to the kids in the morning. I dreamt that I was hanging out with my sister, and we were watching all these movies. I had to pick up the kids, and she kept reminding me that I needed to. I kept saying “It’s still early” because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. We were having so much fun that I didn’t realize that I was going to be late.

Dreaming and sleeping definitely help me think about every aspect of my life.

I just need to go to sleep.

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When we were growing up, our parents had a strict “No English in the house” rule. Therefore, with them, we would only talk Spanish. However, between the three of us, we would only speak English. It is rare that we would talk Spanish with each other. The only time we did is if we didn’t want someone who didn’t know the language to hear or if we were angry. Our parents would send us to Panama for months, so we would have to speak Spanish because that was the only language our family members spoke. The one who gave my parents problems was my little sister, and it was because she came to this country when she was four or so. Kristine refused to speak Spanish, and it wasn’t until our parents sent us to Panama for the summer that she started speaking it.

I think this is one of the reasons that it’s so hard for me to speak Spanish to the kids. Besides the fact that their father doesn’t speak it, I am used to only speaking it with my parents and family in Panama. However, I know that I am doing my children a great injustice by not teaching them Spanish. At their school, there is a huge waiting list for Spanish classes. There was also a study that just came back that showed that being bilingual is also good for the brain. It helps people multitask, prioritize, and fend off against Alzheimer’s Disease. Knowing more than one language is very rewarding.

I’ve been making an effort to speak Spanish to them. Luckily, they already understand a lot, but now that they see me speaking the language, they are trying to do the same. We are also reading all these books my mom and I got for them in Panama, and I love that they are actually reading them. My aunt who passed away used to get us tons of books every time we arrived in Panama, so I always think of her when I see them reading in Spanish.

We sat down and made a goal that they will be talking Spanish by the time we head to Panama in December. I know that they will if I keep on top of speaking Spanish to them every day.

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This was tough weekend for me. It seemed that every ex-boyfriend I ever had was contacting me. I woke up today pretty stressed about it, but I realized that the past is the past. I don’t want to date or even think about anything romantic, so I can’t even think about people from my past who I had something romantic with.

Also, one thing I have learned is that if you two end things, then usually it won’t work out if you try again. I spent some of the best years of my life going back and forth with someone. Guess what! It didn’t work. It should have ended the first time we ended things.

I am now pretty old and single. I am comfortable being single, and I have to not reply to any of my exes who decide to contact out of the blue. I start thinking about what went wrong, what is wrong with them, what is wrong with me, and I keep spiraling down. It’s just not worth it.

I’m not looking backwards anymore; just forward. Tweet