TREK: A Personal Life Journey

Insatiable Hunger

2015-08-29T23:25:00.001-07:00

This insatiable hunger.

Throughout my memory, as I look over the fragments that make up this life, it all adds up to one question that begs to be answered. What will nourish this unending feeling that lingers underneath, in the background?

I understand now, looking back, that I have yet to have the opportunity to address the hunger… the longing. There were things I had to do - I had a debt to pay my brother. Somewhere along the line, I was committed to make things even. All that has happened has led me towards this end. I don't know what he ever did for me; I don’t know how far back it goes nor how long it’s been. But now, I can see on the horizon, a conclusion. My obligation is nearly finished, as perhaps his is too. And as one door closes, another begins to open... Ohh, how I have longed for this day to come.

I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t hungry. Always a dull, overwhelming, pressing angst driving me forward, and holding me back. Now, I can see, everything I felt was true. There will come a time when this hunger will find it’s other half. Rest will find me. And perhaps a freedom I remember from a dream.

Healthy Humanity

2014-08-14T00:24:00.003-07:00

In our struggles in search of: healthy, natural, normal, happy, etc, we have skipped a fundamentally important question. Health of...? A normal...what? What is it that is happy?

If we have no fundamental definition of what a human-being is, then we have no basis upon which to act to change the circumstances we find ourselves.

Our medicine, food, economics, architecture, socio-political structure, cultural norms, moral standards, are all facets of society born and built upon the definition of what a healthy human-being (and thus healthy society) is. If we have no clear definition and/or we are confused about our condition, then the constructs of society will thus be disorientating, confusing, exhausting (and possibly harmful), as seems to be the case in the modern world.

So long as we are confused about the human condition, is to the extent which we will continue to generate a confusing world in which human-beings find themselves in states of suffering and struggle.

Thus, the need to find what is 'wrong' in society can relax. You can only find what is wrong in human society if you know what a normal (healthy) human-being is (you can only know sick if you know healthy). Therefore, if we are interested in generating a healthy society for human-beings, then the first (and last) question becomes: what is a human-being? Inclusive in the definition of humanity resides the answer to any question imaginable.

Elementary Education

2014-05-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

Our (American) education model was/is designed with the purpose of turning the individual into a cog in the machine of industry/production to create things for our merchant society to trade.

The question then becomes:

What exactly are we selling, and does our product work to enhance relationship between humans? We are producing and selling to humans, so what we produce must positively influence society and relationships between humans, right? However, if we are unsure what a human-being is, we have no basis upon which to measure our success as a merchant class of people.

Elementary Education, in the true sense of the term, is the study of what it means to be a human-being (did you ever get that education?) -- which is the study of the inherent relationship/appetite phenomena.

It is the fundamental case, that we are driven (naturally) and directed (via appetite) to be in a set of relationships (to both beings and things), the likes of which we have no capacity to explain with any certainty or completeness. Modern society is the outcome when we ignore the fact that relationship is taking place of-itself.

If we ignore the fact of relationship, then creating a story about who I am and why I am here becomes very important (hence Facebook lol). However, if we have even a small amount of Elementary Education, then this anxious and hysterical drive to create a story of meaning/value relaxes. Then there is no need to pacify and dull our senses with endless entertainments and empty food so that we needn't pay attention to the situation we find ourselves. Then there is no reason to prove to ourselves that we (as a class of merchants) are producing valuable goods and services with meaning and purpose to justify our existence... btw, why do we need to justify our existence? To whom are we justifying? Who are we serving exactly?

Without this basic elementary look at what it means to be human, then it is easy for another being, with ambition and focused desire, to convince us we should work for them and their ideas (modern/industrial society). Without basic human education - ambition, violence, power, control, greed all look sensible - but all lack a basic understanding of the human condition. This understanding (which is not an idea, rather an experience) is the meaning of the word wisdom. Wisdom is the basic Elementary Education we were trained away from by those who had something to sell us.

As it is, wisdom would undermine our entire modern life, as we are accustomed to it - and so it takes a lot of work/effort/struggle to keep ourselves from looking at our fundamental nature in order to keep up the status quo of modern human relationship based on an industrious/mechanical model of humanity in a society which requires the belief that the buying and selling of things/ideas has meaning/value.

Winter's Here

2013-11-30T13:10:00.001-08:00

A window opened today
and a cold wind blew through
the shutters flew
on the surface grew
a vibrant young radiant hue
the thick of the night
held the blooming moon rays
like a soft shroud blanket

A window opened today
and through it came
a tired tried and true
someone who
knows how to
keep it all together
crying he lied
laughing he died
altogether a fool

A window opened today
and not far away
song birds were singing
the smell of fall leaves
letting from the eaves
of white birch trees leaving
peering out to look
in a think winter cloak
on a misty dewy morning

A window opened today
and somewhere along the way
somebody told me to
see the trees growing
feel the crisp breeze snowing
to smell the leaves falling
hear the bird song calling
now there is no way
without glass or shade
to see things like they do
winter is here
crystal clear
death to all knowing

Bay Arian

2013-11-08T20:36:00.001-08:00

A Bay Arian is a person who:
a. Lives or resides in or around the San Francisco Bay Area.
b. Has no cultural grounding/basis upon which actions stem.

In a desperate attempt to find some meaning and grounding in life, we Californians, and those of the Bay Area in particular, are adopting practices of other cultures.

Regardless of what we choose to believe, in the United States our view of what humans are and how we relate to the world has a grounding in a Christian outlook of life. Though many of us residing in the Bay Area have renounced this view and its practices, the eyes through which we view the world, ourselves, and all relationship is fundamentally Christian in nature. This is neither good/bad, right/wrong. We must understand though that our view of the world and the practices we adopt together create the outcomes we experience.

When we have a view which we do not recognize, combined with a hodgepodge set of practices stemming out of cultures and views that are not our own, our experience of life will certainly be one of confusion, struggle, suffering, and doubt. Having no culture which lends a feeling of connection, purpose, lost amidst a sea of practices not our own, we are left to establish meaning and significance in life on our own, as individuals. Thus it makes sense that we meander about trying on the practices of other cultures like we are shopping, never finding any sense connection or common purpose. It then makes sense that we are deeply afraid of everyone around us and why we have so much hate in our hearts.

We must understand that in our attempt to establish some new cultural base, our view is as important, if not more so, than the practices we adopt or establish. However, most of us are scanning and trying out the practices of others in the search for the 'right' or 'correct' way of doing things. This is fundamentally naive and stems from the Christian idea of there being the morally right way of living as dictated by a creator God. But, when we get right down to it, all practices are fundamentally the same. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. There is only the view you have melded with the practices you undertake and the fruition of view/practice moving free of any moral dilemma. It is only us that bring the judgments to the table.

If we are truly interested in fruition, we must see that we are viewing ourselves and the world through the Christian lens. That we have adopted the idea that after a long period of struggle to change our circumstance and what we are (sin), eventually, we will find the right way of living and all will be right and good (heaven). And that once we find this right way of doing things, it is then up to us to teach it to others and show them the right way (savior). Then to the extent that others agree with the right way, is to the extent they are our friends and to the extent they disagree, our enemies (God sanctioned hate and war).

Thankfully though, if we look at things free of the Christian view, there exists no mandate that any of us agree or disagree with the way life actually is. We are wholly free to have any view and any practice we so desire and life has no response other than the fruition of our view and practice.

So welcome to our reality my fellow Bay Arians! My confused and desperate brothers and sisters. May we all see with unclouded eyes or original nature. May we all be free to adopt any practice that makes sense to us with the view that coincides for the fruition of all beings and things.

2013 Moon Festival

2013-09-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

In traditional Chinese Culture dating back to the Song dynasty (960-1279), today is the Moon or Mid-Autumn Festival. Today marks the full return of annual yin. In Chinese Cosmology, it is possible to explain the movement of all things in terms of the years qi (pronounced chee -- no English word equivalent exists; qi is most often referred to as energy, however, this is not the full story) broadly viewed as a cyclical pattern of yin and yang which is easily seen when looking at the seasons. Winter being the time when Yin (earth, mother, stillness, cold) is at its peak and yang is most diminished. Summer being the time when Yang (fire, heaven, father, movement, heat) is at its peak and yin is most diminished. The moon festival is the celebration and recognition that yin is the new yang, baby! White is out, black is back.

Farmers the world over are now harvesting the bountiful fruits of summer (yang). The Moon Festival marks the time to take these fruits indoors for nourishment and storage in preparation for the big yin of winter. Externally we are gathering and storing qi, but the Moon Festival also marks the time for us to recognize this change-of-the-guard internally as well.

The roots of the fruits that will come to pass over the next several months have already been laid down via yang over the course of spring and summer. The moon festival is the time to formally acknowledge black is back and yang aint no thang. In other words, chill out, rest, relax, reflect. In action, be more reluctant as opposed to relying on impulsive actions aimed at getting what you want. What occurs over the next several months already has the momentum to carry itself through towards the ends that were clearly laid down while yang was growing and strong in the spring/summer. Any amount of undue force exerted on circumstance from here on out will bring about conflict, disaster and perhaps even untimely passing (2013's Water Snake will bite if yang fails to rest).

So if you have moon cakes, eat them today and nourish yourself with the great grounding yin of the moon. No moon cakes? No worries, simply take a bit of time and acknowledge that you actually don't have any control over the circumstances you find yourself in; that yang is great and all, but curled up with a warm fuzzy blanket on a plush couch with tea sounds like the better idea compared to a sweaty jog around the lake. Put your feet on the ground. In order to walk any path, your feet must first be on the ground.

Chinese Astrology for Thursday, Sept 19, 2013 as interpreted by Liu Ming:

The moon is full. Today in the Chinese Almanac is called the Mid-Autumn (or Moon) Festival an important annual festival since the Song dynasty (960 and 1279). This full moon designates the return of annual Yin is in full swing. It is appropriate to raise a toast (unfiltered sake in a black bowl) to the moon and welcome her back to power. Thank her for recalling your spiritual aspirations and resolving the conflicts of declining Yang. Read her a poem or two. Medicinal baths and soaks work wonders. The day supports a new resolution about diet.

Human Health

2013-08-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be healthy?

After six years of self-reflection, study and experimentation in an attempt to discover what it means to be a healthy human being, I can finally say with certainty, I don't know.

As it turns out, it is not possible to determine what health is without defining what we are as humans. Since it is not possible to describe what we are as humans with words and solid concepts, it is therefore not possible to define what health is.

Having that been said, there is one excellent measure of health. One's capacity and ability to adapt and change along with the present moment. If there is one constant aspect of life that we can all agree upon, it is change. To the extent that one is able to change free from struggle and conflict is to the extent one is healthy. A healthy individual moves as the circumstances move. On the flip side then, ill health or dis-ease is characterized by solidity and rigidity, ie non-movement.

As westerners and as Americans, we have been taught that through the accumulation of knowledge and skill, we can learn to be successful, healthy, and free. In our culture, smart is the ability to show off one's extensive collection of ideas and skillful capacity. Yet knowledge and skill have little relation to health. In fact, it may be that the more knowledge one collects, the more difficult it is to adapt and change. What good is being "smart" if knowledge collection makes it less possible to move/change/adapt?

In reality though, I cannot speak for other's experience, only my own. It is only I who can look inward to see if there is really any struggle or conflict in relation to the present circumstance. And as you know little of my internal experience, I know very little of yours. Therefore, only I can say if my actions or inactions are healthy or unhealthy.

In which case, as a culture, it makes no sense to make a solid idea of what health and success are. It is up to you, as an individual, to look inward at your own experience. And if doing so is a big confusing muddle and you feel you need help in doing so... look not towards those who tell you they know what to do or how to do it. Look not to the churches, to the healers, to the gurus, to the CEOs or the rich. The people that tell you they know the way are simply trying to sell you something, or trying to make their delusions reality. Look to the one's who change with the wind. Look to those who ride life as though as though it is no big deal. Look to those who adapt and let go with ease. These are the people that can point in the right direction. These are the people that we ought to look to as models for our newly emerging modern world-view. And yet these people may have very little, if anything to say and nothing at all to teach... because it may be they know nothing at all! lol...

Smart is so overrated.

Observation, Meditation

2013-03-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Life is so strange and beautiful in all its complex manifestations of simplicity.

I worry I may forget there is never anything to worry about. I long to connect with everything that I am already connected to. I exhaust myself in a struggle to gain that which I already posses. When the desire to change ceases, a different sense of aliveness is present.

"I don't know" may be the most powerful statement one can proclaim, and yet modern society, in an attempt to control everything, strives for mastery of knowledge.

Acting from a false concept of what we are, we meet life in an incomplete and divisive manner full of conflict and struggle. This struggle indicates there is something inherently wrong with the ground upon which we have built our ideas/concepts/truths. This ground is the concept of a uniquely separate, differentiated individual called "I." Upon the idea of "I" are constructed our individual realities based on knowledge, which seem very real as they are lent credibility by all others acting from the same false ground. Our personal false reality joins a collective false reality that feels real and impermeable.

To question this ground in thought and/or action is a challenge to most people's perception of reality and is therefore often met with immediate resistance. Most are not willing or ready to confront the possibility that they do not exist. Instead, we tend to spend our lives replacing the ideas built upon the false ground with a different set of ideas in the hope that this will alleviate the pervasive sense of "something is wrong, I must change." Be it fear of death or an addiction to struggle, few are willing to look critically at this false ground. Fewer still are willing to look at it with a perception free of all the ideas they have accumulated while believing themselves to be a separate self.

If one examines oneself with the intent to change the false notion of "I," frustration and confusion are bound to occur. To see that which is taking place in the present moment — which includes, but is not limited to the "I" masquerading as a false ground — requires observation of a different sort: observation without intent/focus. This observation cannot be classified as "my observation" or "your observation," rather it is simply Observation. We all have individual access to Observation, but it is not personal or divided.

Observation is always operating, but our belief and action from the false ground of "I" hinders (or even prevents) this type of observation from touching the conscious awareness of "I."

In the relaxation of all movement externally and internally, we may come to a point where the compulsion to change reality ceases and allows for Observation to touch the individual. This relaxation can be termed meditation. Meditation being performed with the "I"-driven intent to gain or change anything will only strengthen and more deeply solidify the idea of an individuated self and is thus not what is being termed meditation here. One cannot sit down to meditate in the hopes that it will bring about that which "I" wants. Meditation in the true sense is action, or inaction, wholly without motive for any outcome. Action without a past or a future.

A New Definition of Human Success

2011-12-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

We in the western world commonly define life success through our capacity to access goods and services. Money provides a unified system of access to goods and services and has become the most important of all commodities due to its function in providing said access. Thus, the abundance of money in a person or group’s pocket has come to be equated to life success. A lack of money is then equated to being unsuccessful and can lead to a devaluation of human life.

Besides human devaluation, there is another major problem with defining success through money. Money, like all material resources, is finite; there is only so much to go around. In order for one person to get money, he or she must take it from another; in so doing, robbing that person of their ability to access goods and services. We spend most of our waking lives in an effort to take money from a person or group while thinking of more and more clever ways to do so. We define ourselves as individuals by the means through which we take money from others, i.e. one’s job. Consequently, equating money with success creates a competitive reality which divides humans from each other and forces them to compete for access to the worlds goods and services. This atmosphere of competition breeds distrust, fear, hate, greed and loneliness as humans are constantly struggling against one another to be successful and survive. When we come to the understanding that equating money with success ultimately divides humans against one another and creates a devaluing of human life, it becomes clear that as a society we need to redefine what it means to be a successful human being.

How can we redefine what it means to be successful to allow full access to goods and services for all humans while maintaining, and even encouraging, trust and love between people? If we define success in terms of how much of a finite material good an individual or group has, this will divide us against one another as there is only X amount of any material commodity to go around. What would happen then if we defined success according to something that was infinite as opposed to finite?

A human’s capacity to give is infinite. Giving is not restricted to any material good or service. The act of giving has a value which is not proportional to the thing which is given. There is value in the act of giving itself, and our capacity to give is limitless. What then would the world be like if success is defined by our acts of giving as individuals and as groups? What if the act of giving became the new currency? If acts of giving defined life success, then the greatest gift a person could give another would be to increase that person’s ability to give. GDP (Gross Domestic Product) would become GDG (Gross Domestic Giving) as we shift towards measuring how many acts of giving we are producing as opposed to how much product we are moving. Commodities would continue to exchange hands; goods and services would be abundantly accessible for all; a new incentive for the creation, advancement, and implementation of technology would arise. To define human success through acts of giving would create an atmosphere of trust instead of distrust, love and compassion instead of fear and hate, generosity instead of greed, and community instead of loneliness.

Imagine a world where we collectively derive meaning and purpose in life from our limitless acts giving.

Giving for a Living.

Occupy Your Street

2011-12-08T12:16:00.001-08:00

We try and drown our negative feelings in external experiences. Anger, fear, pain, sadness, hatred. We believe these feelings to be so overwhelmingly powerful that it is better to hide, bury, run, destroy them than to feel them. So we go out for a night on the town, get drunk, watch a movie, eat until we cannot eat anymore, cut ourselves, go running, play a game, buy a toy, watch TV, surf the internet, call a friend, have sex, go to the gym, focus on the positive, spend money, make money, work, sleep, blame it on others, make others hurt...anything but feel what we are experiencing. Anything would feel better, we believe. Why not just feel what we feel? Why not be aware of what is going on in our own minds and bodies. We cannot control these feelings so does it make any sense to condem them?

We are trying so hard to protect ourselves. We work so hard and making life bearable. We do not wish to be numb to life, numb to our feelings, but the fear of those feelings is so strong and overwhelming. What if actually being present with our feelings and expressing them would help our lives be more bearable than it is when we are fighting them?

What if we all came together and made the intention to express our emotions? What if we created a place where it was okay and safe to be afraid, to be sad, to be lost, to be angry, to have hate. What if we witnessed each other feeling these emotions and gave loving attention to each and every one of those emotions, no matter the circumstance? What would your life be like? What would our world look like?

Alphabet Soup

2011-08-10T04:03:00.000-07:00

Daniel is X. Daniel wishes to be Y. Life is moving Daniel to Z. Daniel tries to be Y and is slapped in the face by life. Daniel hates being X. Being X is the path to being Z. Daniel must be safe in being X. Daniel must smile at Y and die. Die to the knowing of X Y and Z. They are all Daniel and Daniel is them. There is no Daniel, only the wish to be Y. To let go of the wish to be Y, is to let go of the idea of Daniel. Daniel must be safe in Death. Only in the death will the world open up past the alphabet.

Unknowable

2011-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

Life. Like a classic tale of suspense, mystery and intrigue. The hero has a path, a set journey to travel and goal to meet. The audience knows the hero must complete a certain task, and the audience also knows that he/she will complete the monumental challenge beset to him/her. You, as the audience, just have no idea how they will do it. This is why we watch, this is why we read. We already know the end, but we do not care about the end. We want to see and experience the journey.

It is our own journey which we are seeking to uncover. We are our own hero. It is our own personal journey that really inspires us on. We want to know what is going to happen. We want to know how we make it to the end. How will we get to the final product? What awaits us around the next corner? What will I do? How will I do it? And yet, we cannot know before hand. Everything unfolds in the moment and is shown to us when we need to see it. If we were to know already how it is to transpire before it actually happens, we would have no care to continue. It is the mystery that moves us...the unknown. It is the unknown which we strive to unlock and that which we fear at the same time.

Sensation Creation

2011-04-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do, and yet nothing to do. Thought feels it is the center of everything. It sees itself as the one who has the power to change, make, control. In the end, the only power thought has is in letting go. Letting what is, be what is. No reaction to the actuality of what is perceived. The perception is the only reality. One can be sure that what is felt is real...not the thing giving the feeling, but the feeling, the sensation itself is a reality. Considering thought has no control over what sensations it perceives, what sense is there in wanting a sensation to be anything different? To desire creates inevitable conflict. Whether it is a desire to recreate a pleasurable sensation, or whether it is a desire to never feel a particular sensation again, desire creates a resistance to the actuality of perception.

There seems to be a very deep and hidden aspect of the mind whose job it has become to interpret the sensations felt on the body. The average person is oblivious to the subtle, constant sensation which the body is undergoing at all times of the day and night. This part of the mind is in constant contact with all the sensations. We give free reign to this part of the mind and the consequences of this freedom are disastrous. This aspect of mind interprets, judges and responds to certain sensations it comes into contact with. It actually generates its own sensation in an attempt to encourage or discourage certain specific sense patterns the mind experiences. However, no aspect of the human mind has control over what sensations it comes into contact with. We may try and limit certain sensations and chase others, but ultimately we have no control. Additionally, this subtle aspect of the mind has a major flaw besides its feeble attempt at control. For example, the mind interprets a sensation it deems highly undesirable, it then generates a feeling overwhelming which the conscious mind becomes keen to and aware of. This feeling which the mind has generated has an effect on the body, the body reacts in a negative fashion. Perhaps the stomach flips, or there is a sensation of intense pain, nausea, tension, anger, fear etc. If intense enough, the reaction the body has towards the sensation which the mind generated is now interpreted as a new sensory event for evaluation. This sensory event which is so obviously unpleasant, can cause the mind to produce another sensation which then may have an effect on the body. This can quickly spiral out of control. This process is known to us as anxiety, and in extreme cases, panic attacks.

If we are to understand this process and see it, feel it, we must become sensitive. We must become aware to not only the large sensations which we are experiencing on the surface level of awareness, but we must reawaken our capacity to feel everything that is happening in the body no matter how small or insignificant we may deem the sensation. If we can see this process unfold; if we can become aware of how this subtle aspect of our mind is constantly trying to grasp at pleasurable sensation and run from unpleasant sensation then we may be able to see that it is not the thing outside of our body which causes us pain or pleasure. Rather it is us. Therefore, we have no one or nothing to blame for our reactions, not even ourselves...because we literally have no control over this small, subtle aspect of the mind. It does not see or understand the totality of the function which it has undertaken. If this part of the mind were to see the chaos it produces, we stand to rid ourselves of all anxiety and perhaps more.

with my death.

2011-01-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

And so it is.
That on this day, at this very hour. That I, understandably so, set out on a journey of one so unspeakably pointless that it warrants nothing but one, seemingly ridiculous and drawn out sentence as to convey, not only to those who would read it, but unto myself what it is that I am feeling and what it is that I have felt.
Time is lost and the time has come.
Tired.
That I am tired of doing what I am supposed to do.
That I am tired of doing what is right.
That I am tired of fighting the fight never ending.
And yet, it does end and will end;
with my death.
Life is nothing but a pointless journey from here to there. A movement, a fleeting few tiny steps in the vast and incalculable continuum of that we call life.
So heavy a burden it lay upon our shoulders.
So deep it cuts into our hearts.
What will one do? How shall one go on when there is no fruit, no taste, no joy of that which is timeless.
Now is the time for the timeless. Now is the time for the seed is planted. There is nothing to do. It has already begun. The end. Your End. Our End.
For I am tired.

To the Master and the Maker:

2011-01-25T00:25:00.001-08:00

There comes a time when all the roads and the paths come to a point. A fork in the ways. A crossing of thought, time and reality.

All things happen for a reason. The pain, sorrow, fear, pleasures, pursuits, passions.

We wander this life looking for meaning once had, now lost. There is nothing special or sacred to find out in the physical world.

All that we see, feel, hear, taste and smell can never tell the whole truth. All that is true - all that is real, exists within ourselves.

Choice is an illusion. You are but a small and insignificant part of a larger order. You are born of order and can only exist as order. Good, bad, right, wrong is a concept unknown in an orderly system.

There is nothing to do, to understand, to control. What must happen, will happen; what you must do, you will do.

Be the order, love thy self, drop judgement, 1 with now. I am separate; we are together; 1 is whole. 1 is real.

No Mind = No Problem

2011-01-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

What if there was no Me? What if there was no thing to look at? No thing to observe and say, I did this or I did that? If there was no thing to label then there would be nothing one could compare one`s self to. All judgments would cease to exist for there would be nothing to judge against. Then it does not matter if there is actually a Me or not a Me. What matters is that one believes there to be a Me. I believe I exist. I believe I am here and am making choices and have the ability to change what is Me. Thus when things happen I judge as negative, I then have the desire to change it. When things happen to me I judge as positive, I have the desire to sustain it. If there was no Me that things happen to, there would cease to be desire.

Of Love, Judgements and Desire

2011-01-01T11:26:00.000-08:00

Love and judgement are not the same thing. Do not mistake love to be a positive judgement of yourself. By judgement, I mean looking at the events of your life, the thoughts and choices you have made, and either liking or disliking what has happened. If I look upon the past and see something which has happened to me, that which I have thought or that which I have done and am happy with the results, that is not love for one`s self. Love can only exist when there is no judgment at all. When you judge yourself, you must first have an idea of what you desire or what you want to avoid. If there was no idea of the way things should be, the way I should act, the way I should feel, then there would be no judgement. Only when judgments are not present is there space for love to exist.

The Human Problem

2010-11-26T05:02:00.000-08:00

It is a terrible thing...to be seeking something in this life; yet it seems that I am always seeking something. Always looking to the future, waiting for the thing to come along that will change all of this. I see that I am upset more people do not see this is going on in their minds as well. I hate that humanity is so blinded by itself. It seems that we are all so consumed with attaining and becoming more. To be something more is an endless internal pursuit. It does not matter how much you attain, learn, change, grow, the pursuit is never over and the fight continues on. This is not a fight that we are comfortable with, yet we do not know anything different. The only thing that the mind can do is hope to gain enough knowledge to break itself out of this pattern, and yet it is the very pattern and movement of the acquisition of knowledge that creates the problem in the first place. One cannot strive and desire to be desirless since the very thought in itself is a desire.

What then is one to do? When every day is a fight, a struggle full of fear with only brief moments of contentment and peace. What is one to do when one sees that all "I" have are thoughts and the subsequent memories those thoughts have created and clung to as the ultimate truth. The longer one lives, the more thoughts and memories are accumulated and built up into the structure of the thing that is called "me". It seems that once a mind has accumulated enough knowledge, thought becomes constantly active trying to control the future based on the past memories it has accumulated. It is like a ball bouncing endlessly in a tiny enclosed room. In order to control ones future, thought is always projecting ideas of what could be and what should be. It seems to the bouncing ball in the tiny room that it needs to gain more knowledge to expand the boundary of the walls so that it will eventually expand large enough to encompass everything and will then finally be able to predict all outcomes of life. The ball will then be safe, secure, happy. The ball does not see that it itself has made the walls in which it is housed and that the dropping of those walls is something that it is unwilling to do. There is so much fear about what exists outside of those walls.

I cannot ignore this fundamental problem that exists within me and seemingly the rest of humanity. Most others around me seem content to go on living in this way while ignoring the symptoms. I feel like I have come to a point in the middle between ignorance and action. I cannot ignore this problem, nor am I willing to move past where I am as it seems it would ultimately mean my death. The death of my ideas, my thoughts -- all that I believe what makes me, "me". Thus I want to have my cake and eat it too...alas life does not work like this.

It is a terrible thing to be human, born into the slavery of a mind which appears fundamentally flawed from day one. I can see this is why I get such a sad and helpless feeling when looking at children sometimes. I see their future, I see what is happening right in front of my eyes yet I feel powerless to do anything about it. Afterall, I am more caught in the chaos of an enclosed mind than they are. Babies are innocent because they have no past and no future. For them, everything is now, but it does not take long before that changes and thought starts trying to control in an attempt to escape pain and sustain happiness.

Future Lies Desire

2010-09-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

What is it that I run towards? What is it that I am looking for? The most difficult aspect of life is to be honest with one's self. If I know exactly what it is that I am seeking, then I can stop playing games with myself. I have hidden and buried the things that I am searching for and hope to get in future. Some part of me does not want to see that which it seeks. If I could see what I was trying to get, would I still seek it? If there was no tomorrow, no future, then the movement of seeking would end. What would this state of mind be like? How can a person who seeks a state of mind which is free of becoming something in the future ever be free of seeking? One must accept one's self in the moment no matter what they happen to be. Which means one must drop all ideas of how one should or shouldn't be. The here and the now is all that matters. Can I look at myself and see the whole thing, the whole movement completely without judgment which means without ideas born of past experience and knowledge? Can there be no comparison with even with the past knowledge? I see what I perceive to be and and I see that which I want to be. I assume that the becoming something different must take course over the space of time which then implies effort, will, force and desire. The one who desires to become desireless. Action born of desire only takes the desire into account; the rest of life is not considered. This disconnection from all but desire breeds inevitable conflict in all other aspects of life. Loneliness and desire walk hand in hand. Desire increases and the farther disconnected from life we become. Soon a desire to be connected and rooted in life is formed once one feels and sees the disconnection, then one desires to be connected and the very desire created the disconnection. When one is in the movement of desire, clouded becomes the exterior and the interior. The desire becomes all important. The desire is the answer and the problem at the same time.

Between the Lines

2010-07-29T04:33:00.001-07:00

There seems to be moments in one's life when one could say that they have experienced something or thought about something in such a way that now one is changed. We might use the word insight to describe this change. I underwent a series of thoughts to try and understand what might be happening within myself when this insight occurs.

To know one's self is to know change. Like the river that moves but is still a river. I am a collection of cells that constantly move and change yet is still recognizable as a human. This human is moving and it is with all my might of thought that I may try and stop or change this movement. Thought itself is born of the movement. For movement to stop so must thought.

Can thought change the movement? I tend to have the assumption that if I think about a certain idea long or hard enough, I can bring about this insight. Can I have a thought which then translates into something different happening to the cells of the body? Thought cannot stop the movement for it is itself a movement, but can thought change the movement? Which is then asking fundamentally can the movement change itself? We can see change over generations. When DNA from two animals of likeness merge together you have something new and different, with luck, more able to adapt to life's challenges than the previous two. But, can thought, which is a product of the whole movement of the body and its parts produce a change within the body so that something else, something new is occurring?

Is thought a product of the change? One other possibility is that one has a thought because the function of the body has changed. New pathways in a person's mind have formed and this could possibly bring about a new and different way of thinking. This idea is contrary to me who operates under the pretense that I have thought, I control my thought and I have the power to change the world around me and change the world within as well.

Is it possible, however, that the thought and the process through which this thought can occur happens at the same time? We tend to believe that because we have thought that we are the thinkers. The ones who think and the ones who produce change. Though, our thoughts are limited because without the body, the thought does not exist which essentially means that the body and thought are one. When the thought moves so does the body and when the body moves so does thought. They are not separate, but one. They move together just as my foot does not move without the leg moving as well. Did the foot make the leg move or did the leg make the foot move? Obviously neither.

As I was thinking and speaking with Tvrtko about this, I saw an image in my mind. An image which represents a power unknowable by the conscious mind. The darkness is the thing that brought about the change of mind and body. I wanted to try and convey what I could visually depict in my mind - the above picture is what came out of me. I cannot help but see images in this drawing which represent many different thoughts I have had over the past few months.

One thing seems clear; there is a lot more to life than conscious thought can grasp.

The Machine of Thought

2010-02-10T09:30:00.001-08:00

As part of a Yoga class I was asked to question and write about the relation of the mind body connection, if there is one at all. The following is what I came up with. I assume share it with you all as it quite well sums up what I have been doing here in Brockwood. Additionally, the school I am attending recently launched a revised website which you can view here http://brockwood.org.uk/home.html

It does seem true for me, when my body is dealing with something difficult, my mind suffers for it as well. When I ingest things that my body does not like or has a hard time dealing with, I find that I become irritable, irrational and at times angry. I can see quite clearly, especially in my most recent years of life, how important eating a "good" diet is for my mental health. It seems to follow logically for me then that having a body which is in good physical condition would help me to have a mind which is better adept at dealing with life.

Whether or not having a healthy body would then allow my mind to be more alert and awake, I have no idea. How does one determine this to be true? How do I even acquire any evidence to support such things? I am not sure there is any physical evidence one could gather which would support such a notion. I can only make assumptions as to how my mind would react to a particular situation if my body were in a state different from the present state under which the conditions apply. Having this been said, however, I do find myself answering in the affirmative to the stated questions. In general, I feel that if I have a responsive body which is capable of dealing with the hardships that it endures over time; a body that can quickly, and with little effort, assimilate the energy that it needs for proper functioning while simultaneously discarding and excreting the matter that it does not need or want, this would be a body with exponentially more energy to use for other processes. It is my assumption that this unused energy could be directed more inwardly towards ones own nature and how one reacts in the environment which it is presented. Having such energy may possibly mean that I could experience, notice and/or pay attention to things happening within and without me that otherwise may go unnoticed when the body and mind are using its energy for other things.

I do see one problem with everything that I have stated above though. The basis for these views and assumptions are precluded by the very first assumption that the body and the mind are two separate things. It seems we find it quite easy to assume what exactly the thing that I call "I" really is. The common view of what I is in the west assumes a separation between the machine, which is the body, and the thing that resides in the machine called "I". "I" am separate from the thing in which "I" am housed. Being separate we then can assume that actions taken on the machine have no effect on the "I". This line of thinking can be seen in many aspects of society and in the way that I personally view and treat my body. I have the basic view 'keep the machine well oiled with good fuel and the machine will take me far with little trouble'. It is certainly possible though that the thing which I call "I" is nothing more than the machine itself. Logically, this seems much more realistic and plausible to me. A machine which operates in conjunction with numerous other machines working together to give rise to that which we see, feel and observe around us. It may have been that once it was a machine that acted in harmony with others around it, at some point seemingly this machine recognized and became aware that it was functioning and could control things around it through a will in of its own. This state of self awareness has assumed itself to be an individual separate from that which it acts on and observes externally. Born out of this perceived process of 'will, action and consequence' were the seeds which gave rise to the conscious being which I call "I". A machine with the ability to make decisions for itself which have a perceivable and definable consequence which the I is able to observe. The I that acts on the things that it can see, but has no relation to. I have then taken this a step further and assumed the thing that is the machine which I call "I" is separate from the thing that I call my body. I can act on the body; I can change the body through thought and will. The assumption being that anything I can change through my will is not then connected to or a part of me. The thing that I call "I" is everything that I assume cannot be changed through thought and self-made will. And to change the content of the the immovable "I" would be to destroy the "I" altogether. Conscious will and action taken from the point of view of the "I" to change or otherwise alter the "I" would be in essence a sort of mental suicide. In essence, a thought to change the very thing called "I" which makes the thought is an assumed contradiction and is dismissed as soon as it is thought up.

So, long story a little bit longer: this machine believes that it may have the energy and the will to see through that which itself has created in thought if indeed this machine took better care of that which it calls its body.

Brockwood Park School: Mature Student Program

2009-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

I find myself to be completely disconnected from my old life back in California. There are times that I want to talk to friends and family members back home, but I just do not know what I might say to them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am in a new place doing a new thing for reasons which I cannot fully explain and really do not enjoy explaining. I do feel quite guilty for being so disconnected from all my family and friends.

For those of you who do not know, I am in England attending a school called Brockwood Park. I am what is known as a Mature Student at the school. I have written an article for the school newspaper trying to detail exactly what a Mature Student really is. This will help to explain what I am doing here and perhaps why I have chosen to come.

Here is the article:

What are the Mature Students?
At Brockwood Park School, any permanent resident is given the title of Staff, Student or Mature Student. The role of Staff and Student is relatively straightforward as their titles' seemingly suggest what their purpose, goals and activities might entail. But what exactly is this person who is called a Mature Student? What does a Mature Student do? Why are they there? What do they provide and/or gain from the educational institution of Brockwood Park School? In order to convey the role of a Mature Student at Brockwood I must first give the context in which we all live.

What is now called Brockwood Park School was once a plantation/manor-house with supporting buildings owned by the local farming family the Mortons. In 1969 the Krishnamurti Foundation and Trust of England bought the buildings along with 40 acres of land and converted it to school use. Located in the county of Hampshire, England, Brockwood is a boarding school set in the countryside surrounded by fields, trees, rabbits, sheep and alike. During term time, the school is filled to its current maximum capacity with about 65 Students ranging in age from 14 to 19, and originating from about 25 different countries. The majority of Staff that teach at Brockwood, live at Brockwood along with the Students and Mature Students. Staff take on not only the role of teacher/educator, but the role of parent as well. Their duty is to raise a healthy individual with a mind and body capable of meeting life's daily challenges in a manner that does not restrict the natural ebb and flow of life, but rather compliment it.

The primary goal of the school, originally laid down by the founder, J. Krishnamurti, is to educate individuals to question all aspects of daily life; to not accept what others say is truth, but to discover for one's self what truth really is. The idea being that an individual who can perceive life as it is will be capable of living with no internal conflict concerning what one is and what one believes one should be. However, the manner in which this education is to be carried out is not written down in any manual or text that Staff can follow and abide by. Instead, it is left open for interpretation, discussion and attempted implementation. Additionally, the school is physically rooted in a society that demands it conform to certain rules laid down by government and, if a Student is University bound, by the strict entry requirements mandated from said bodies. These facts combine to create a very difficult task for the Staff members of Brockwood who try to balance their educational style with the realities of higher education and a form of education heavily emphasised by founder Krishnamurti. Staff members constantly find themselves stuck in the grey area between educating a student to fit into society as it stands and educating the student to create a new society born of the ideas stressed by Krishnamurti.

This different approach to education, and indeed to life itself, attracts people of all ages, experience, education and background. Krishnamurti's intention was not to educate only young students at Brockwood Park School. Rather, he viewed education as an on-going process that never stops no matter what age a person is. Thus born out of these ideas is what would become the present day Mature Student Program. Though not a firm rule, in general, the Mature Students are between the ages of 21 to 28 years old. There have been Mature Students older than 28 and there have been Staff hired younger than 28. Mature Students were originally termed "Open University Students", indicating that this was a program for individuals of a certain age who have already passed through their mandatory education and are choosing to continue their academic pursuits in the physical and religious realm of Brockwood Park School. At some point, this title was dropped and was replaced with the Mature Student title. Whether or not the original intention was to have Open University Students enrolled in a sort of external academic program while attending Brockwood is unclear. What I can tell you is that this is certainly not the case today. There is no pressure from Staff upon the Mature Students to pursue any kind of academic achievement. What then are the Mature Students expected to do if not study some kind of academics? After all, the term student seems to indicate some form of intentional learning goals.

There are a few things that the Mature Students are expected to do while living at Brockwood. Seemingly the most important practical role is the physical work that aides in the daily functioning of the school. Unlike the younger Students, Mature Students do not pay tuition to live at Brockwood. Instead, they work 20 hours a week which pays for their room and board. There is a lot of work to be done in the school, but usually a Mature Student will perform a job on any given workday in either the Kitchen, Vegetable Garden, Grounds, Maintenance, Housekeeping, Primary School Inwoods, Krishnamurti Center or Krishnamurti Foundation. Through the work, Mature Students are learning practical skills and knowledge from the job they are assigned to perform. The school does make an effort to allow each Mature Student to perform the job or jobs he/she is most interested in. Besides the work, it is expected that the Mature Students have, at the very least, a casual interest in the teachings of Krishnamurti and that they try to incorporate these teachings into their daily lives and relationships. Finally, it is stressed that the Students of Brockwood may look to the Mature Students as role models of sorts; Students may come and seek advice or help in personal matters. Mature Students fill the age gap that normally exists in traditional schools where perhaps the oldest student is 18 and the youngest teacher is in their mid to late 20s. Thus Brockwood exhibits a natural age range within its confines. Additionally, most Mature Students are not in an authority role over the Students which may make it easier for the two groups to form connections. Mature Students are therefore encouraged to develop healthy interpersonal relationships with Students provided the relations do not turn romantic in nature. Mature Students are then accepted or denied enrollment in the school on the grounds of their willingness and ability to work at and for the school, their interest in Krishnamurti, and on their ability to form and keep healthy relationships with all other members of the school. Besides these three points, after acceptance into the school, Mature Students are left to do what they please with their free time provided they do so within the boundaries of the law and the guidelines of Brockwood.

From a practical point of view, the Mature Students are essential to the operation of the school. Brockwood is always running under a very tight budget. There are jobs that need to get done and if there were no Mature Students to perform these jobs, it would mean paying someone to do it at the expense of the already heavily stretched school budget. So in this way, the Mature Students are needed by the school and are at times viewed simply as practical help by Staff and Students, and not much else. The typical Mature Student works five days a week for four hours at a time. This gives them plenty of time, even during their days of work, to do other activities of their choosing. They can opt to attend classes offered to Students provided the instructor allows them and it does not conflict with their work schedule. If a Mature Student is versed in an area or areas of study, they can choose to offer classes. Finding new staff to teach at Brockwood is a constant challenge. There are always new Staff coming and going and it is a welcome treat for the school if a Mature Student is willing and able to teach a class or two. Teaching will replace their normal work duty as long as it is under 20 weekly hours worth of work, however, preparation time for classes is not a factor in this calculation. Mature Students that do teach find themselves with much less free time compared to Mature Students that perform typical work duties for the school. So it should be clear now what the Mature Students are offering to the school. They have become essential and mandatory parts of the operation of the school. They fill the natural age gap which would exist if not for their presence which also adds a sense of completeness and wholeness to the family of Brockwood. They perform necessary tasks which the school has come to rely upon, including teaching. However, all this having been said, this does not explain why a Mature Student would come to Brockwood. Why have they chosen to attend Brockwood?

Every individual Mature Student has his/her personal reasons for choosing to come to Brockwood Park School. In general, however, I have personally observed that most Mature Students are in a search for something. What that particular something is may be different from individual to individual, but there does seem to exist a quality of trying to find answers to any number of life's questions. I do not wish to attempt to speak for all Mature Students and give a general, all-encompassing answer as to what we are all doing at Brockwood and why. I can only speak for myself.

When I am asked why I chose to come to Brockwood as a Mature Student, I tend to stare at the questioner with what I believe to be a confused face. It has been very difficult for me to convey my decision to come because no explanation could ever fully describe the reasons, feelings and intuition that accompanied this choice in my life. When I was about 13 years old, there began a feeling and sense of emptiness and incompleteness that existed in the fabric of my every day life and activity. I interpreted this feeling as a lack of happiness and satisfaction with life. Acting under this belief, I was forced to ask, if I am not happy what must I do to become happy? The next logical step after this thought was a move in the direction of pleasure. Pleasure and happiness seem to coincide together in the general thought of Western society. It seemed though that no matter what I did in this endless pursuit of pleasure, the feeling of emptiness persisted. This feeling did not change after I graduated from school and got a job. I was forced to ask myself, why? Why was I unhappy? I told myself that I had so many good things in my life; there are people that love me, I have a job that pays a lot of money, and I live in a country that allows me relative free movement and experience. The rest of the world should be so lucky, I thought, however I was still dissatisfied constantly. I quit my job and I left the country to travel the world thinking that if I leave everything I know and have grown secure in, then perhaps I will find something different and new...perhaps even something I was missing and failing to understand. I found that I did not leave my troubles behind when I left the country, rather I took them with me. I was forced to realize my troubles were within me and and not without me. It was during this period of travel that I was introduced to the writings and talks of Krishnamurti and to the existence of the Mature Student program at Brockwood. His words spoke about this feeling of emptiness and incompleteness. There seemed to be something of great value and importance in what Krishnamurti talked about. I arranged to have a perspective week at Brockwood. It was during this week that I had a moment in which I felt that it would be important in my life journey if I chose to come. If I had to give this feeling a name, I would call it a gut feeling or extra sensory perception. It was this feeling, much more so then any thought or idea, which persuaded me to come to Brockwood.

For me, Brockwood is a physical place where I am allowed the space and the time to explore myself fully, to be open and honest not only with those around me, but more importantly with myself. If I am to truly understand this feeling of emptiness it is essential that I explore myself without the need to change who I am in order to conform to what I believe others wish me to be. Brockwood is a place which tries to allow for this type of an environment to exist. I find myself surrounded by people who, at the very least, are receptive to the journey I am on if not able to completely understand and sympathise with my feelings and thoughts on the matter. Yet even with all of that said, I still have a feeling of emptiness and so I push on in my journey and continue my presence at Brockwood Park School.

Every Mature Student is present at Brockwood for their own personal reasons, but they are all gaining something from the school, be it simply practical experience from their work or something deeper and more difficult to explain. They provide an invaluable service and help to make Brockwood a complete and well-rounded institution. They are both teachers and students, but have the luxury of not being identified and categorized into either role. They are free to live life at Brockwood as please, only involving themselves in what personally interests them...as long as they have done their work.

Daniel Burgess
Mature Student '09-'10
Brockwood Park School

Cancer and Addiction

2009-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

In our society we tend to get the impression that in order to be happy in one's life you must do certain things in order to attain such a state. You must get a good job, make a lot of money, have a family, etc. Once you do all of these things then somehow, magically, you will be fulfilled and that void in the center of your being will cease to exist.

It is apparent to me now, that our society as a whole has no clue how to live life in a healthy and meaningful manner. In life, it does not matter what you do, who you are with, where you live; in order to be fulfilled and close that void in the center, you must realize that there is nothing you can do to close the void. There is no action or inaction that you can take which will force yourself into a state of happiness. There is no use trying to avoid fear or any part of life that is distasteful, in fact this only makes things worse. It is only a matter of knowing that life is truly simple in its mass complexity. The moment; the here and the now is where the mind must be if we are to ever survive as a species.

As far as we know, we are the only animal on the planet that is consciously self aware. This is our blessing and our curse. It means that we have the ability to see how our actions will alter our reality and change our future. The only problem being that we are all out to make our own lives better. "I" come first and everything and everyone else comes later. If you look at the the earth you realize that everything that exists here lives in a simple balance of extreme complexity. The life of one species is mutually beneficial to others and vice-verse. This is true for all species, except for ours. If mother earth was a body and a life in of itself, humans would be the cancer of that body. We are the cells gone astray. We are not helping or being beneficial to the whole, we are simply there taking all the resources around us and using them to grow larger and larger. There are only two possible outcomes when it comes to cancer; either the cancer kills the host or the host kills the cancer. Unless we change, we are on a pathway to our own destruction. A path that we can all clearly see coming, yet cannot avoid. We would like to avoid it, but we do not understand why we are on this path in the first place or how we got there.

We are much to busy trying to control the future...trying to set things up so that we will be happy tomorrow or the next day or a year from now. We do not even know what this word happy means. It is just some vague idea of what life might be like if everything were perfect. Most of us have not ever experienced this happiness that we can remember. However, there was a time when all of us experienced that which we all seek. Memory cannot hold this experience which is exactly why an individual cannot think themselves into a state of happiness. Thought is all based on memory, knowledge and experience. As soon as we realize we are in a state of happiness and ask ourselves why, that state ceases to exist. Thought must be taken out of the equation.

There is a reason why in a state of economic depression, one of the industries that actually saw a gain in sales is the entertainment sector. When people feel down and out they look for something to distract them from how they are feeling. This is the true root of addiction. How can a person turn down the idea that they can do something here and now that will take their mind completely off of that which is troubling them? When the mind is completely focused on one specific thing, (be it video games, a movie, rock climbing, gardening, biking, sex or any action) the mind is then not focused on that which is unsettling. Of course, these actions are perceived to be relatively harmless and of course people would be right. The action is not harmless, but it is the reason that you are doing these things that are. If these actions are used as an escape from the thoughts that you are trying to run away from, then it is a huge problem...one that is not addressed or even understood in society as a whole. This is why the drug wars will go on forever. As long as we do not understand the root of our problems, they will never get solved.

Why is there such a dichotomy when it comes to Marijuana? There is a call by a growing group in America to legalize Marijuana because it is not harmful and actually helps people who have chronic pain. These people say that pot is non addictive, while others say it is. Scientifically we know that pot is not chemically addictive and mind altering like alcohol and harder drugs out there. Yet all of us at some time or another have met a person who seems to be addicted to it. Marijuana, like everything else, is not free from it's addictive capabilities. It all depends on why you are smoking it. Is a person using it to run away from the thoughts that plague them or are they using it for something else? Pot is just the lightning rod which blatantly demonstrates our societies misunderstanding with the true root of the problem. Anything can be addictive if it is used to run away from fear...and we are all running.

Think About It

2009-03-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to realize that thoughts are that which plague and haunt my existence day in and day out. It is my thoughts and the way I think that is the direct contributor to the way I feel at any given time.

For the longest time I would always try to associate the way I felt to external stimuli. Perhaps I am having a difficult time with one of my friends, my back hurts, it is cloudy outside and I am not getting enough sun, my car needs work, I have this or that to do etc, etc, etc. I always operated under the assumption that it was the things that happen in my life that make me feel a certain way. It has now occurred to me that all of these instances and times where I place blame on circumstance have nothing to do with my feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness and so on. These feelings, or rather, states of mind are developed within myself by myself. My thoughts (the way I see and interpret the world in my head) are what makes me feel the way that I do.

If I never had a single thought I would never feel depression, anxiety or fear. When I say fear I am not referring to the fear that you experience when on a high ledge or when confronted by a dog that wants to attack your jugular, but the fear that is derived from thinking about the future or the past. Yesterday it hit me that my feelings of loneliness might be a plea for an escape from these thoughts. I am looking for someone to distract me from these thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing. In doing so actually using that person that you end up seeking out to temporarily relieve your problems.

How does one control thought? Is there a way to stop thought with thought? This seems to be impossible for me. After all, if thought is the very thing in which you are trying to control, thinking about it is counterproductive. This is what I have found myself doing for the last couple of days. Thinking about thought and not being able to control that which is haunting me at the present moment. I feel trapped in an endless loop. A loop that I am aware of, yet unable to manipulate or change. The more thought I give it, the deeper and deeper I am consumed with the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

When ones problem lies solely in that of the mind and is dependant on thought and thought alone, there is no consolation or comfort to be had from external sources. No person, place or thing can change that which you think. It is up to the individual alone to solve ones own problem. My problem is one of thought and I know of no way to change my thoughts other than to think about them which will inherently give power to the feelings that I have experienced now for years.

The Future Plan...

2009-02-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

When last I wrote in my blog I spoke about the feelings of anxiety and fear that I have been experiencing on a regular basis since my return home from my travels. I am at a point now where I understand these feelings much more then I did when I last wrote about them.

I can remember being in 5th grade and coming to the conclusion that if I did not go to college and get a "good job" (which meant a high paying job to me), then I would not be living up to the expectations of society or my family. I felt the pressure, even then, to do good in school and get good grades so that I could get into a good college and then get a "good job" so that I can be successful. It was in this thought that I began the planning of my future. My long term goal then was simple: be perfect at school. I needed to be perfect so that I could stand out above the rest of my peers. Needless to say this self imposed pressure took its toll quite quickly and I broke under the surmounting pressure as the years wore on as things became to much for me. I will not go into this because I have already spoken about it in previous blog posts at great length (see Understanding My Past). The reason I mention this again is only to point out that it was here that me thinking about my future life began and I suppose it has not yet stopped. More importantly, however, is that I began planning in my head what I needed to do in the here and now and in the future to attain success as society sees it. It is ever since this moment that I have always had a plan in motion that is working me towards my goal off in the distant horizon. Of course this goal has changed or been revamped as time goes on, but the point is that there was always a goal to be met and I was always working towards that goal in some form or fashion. That is, until I returned from my travels in November.

Once I returned home, almost immediately I began having feelings of anxiety and fear. These were not feelings that I was unaccustomed to. It was not long before these feelings were so overwhelming they were affecting every aspect of my life and I began to slip into a cycle of depression. The feelings that I was undergoing were not foreign, but there was something different about the severity of it all. No matter what was happening in my life or the choices that I made, the feelings only seemed to get worse as time drew on. I tried to keep myself occupied with volunteer work and chores in the hope that my mind would be relieved of the strain while I did things that benefited others. However, except for the time that I was with Irene, it seemed no matter what I did, where I was or what was going on I felt the walls closing in around me and my feelings got more pronounced and progressively more difficult to deal with. I went deeper and deeper in the cycle of depression to the point where I could not take it anymore. I came to the decision that everything in my life needed to stop. No more volunteering, no more needless chores, no more huge list of things that needed to get done. I decided that all my time and energy needed to go towards me getting healthy and climbing back up the ladder of depression. Shortly after making this decision the weight I felt in my head lifted somewhat and I was able to think a bit more clearly. I realised that a lot, if not all, of the anxiety, fear and subsequent depression that I have been going through is directly related to me not having an ultimate goal off in the distance that I am working towards. No longer was my future certain; no longer did I have something that my mind could hold onto to keep me from loosing all sense of direction and in doing so becoming surrounded by fear, doubt and helplessness. Fear that I will never become "successful". Doubt that I will never be content or happy in my life and the helplessness that then ensues from these thoughts. Since the age of 10 I had always had a plan and now at age 25 I am now starting to understand how this plan and the thoughts that go along with them have effected me and my life thus far.

With this new found understanding came the subsiding of the massive amounts of fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing on a daily basis. I came to understand that having no future plan in my life makes me afraid on so many different levels, but that I cannot run from that fear or attempt to stop it. Instead, by embarrassing this fear and not acting upon it in any way the fear dissipates. It is like FDR said...the only thing to fear is fear itself. I am thus learning to be comfortable with the fact that my life has no future plan. I am attempting to live life in the here and the now; to live life in the moment rather then for tomorrow or the next year or years. This concept is something that I have not done for the last 15 years, and I find it is extremely difficult for me. My mind seems to constantly be searching for what is going to happen in my future. It seems to be a habit for me...something so automatic that I do not realise that it is or has happened. There was a point when I was actually quite comfortable and perhaps even happy to feel as though I have nothing on the horizon that I am working towards. I felt as though it has freed me to enjoy the smaller things in life as they happen instead of being so preoccupied with the future that I miss out on things as they happen. I felt happy that I can be content in the here and now instead of waiting for the day when I finally can be happy once all my plans come together. This feeling proved to be short lived as I came to realise today that I have a plan, but not one that I feel I can easily dismiss. I feel quite conflicted about having a plan at all, but I feel this is an opportunity that I should not let pass by without exploring the possibilities. Allow me to explain.

Last year when I was staying with my cousin in England I was going through difficulties which I now understand also deal directly with the things I have stated above. I was going through such mental trouble that my parents took it upon themselves to send me two books full of talks and excerpts from the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. Since reading these books I have been intrigued by this man, his take on life and how he feels it should be lived. His words are very pointed, deep and profound and I find that his words have helped me to understand myself better. In my research of the man I came across a school that he founded in England. This school has a program for people my age and I applied to attend last year (their school term starts in August), however things did not work out and I was put on the waiting list for 2009. I have now been invited to come and stay at the school for a prospective week to see if I will fit in and for me to see if this is even something that I wish to do. It is now my plan to take a trip to England to stay at the school for a week. In doing so I have fallen back on that which I have known for the last 15 years wherein having a goal in the future gives me temporary releif from the fear that I would otherwise experience. I am glad that at least I can see and understand what is happening in my head as these events unfold.

I am looking at my future and I wish to see a blank slate. I do not want to have anything set in stone as it seems to dull the things that happen in the here and now, but this school may have something of worth for me there. I will not know unless I go and investigate.

The more time that passes, the more I cannot help but feel that everything in life happens for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are, but I feel as though everything that I have gone through and am going through is leading me to a place where I am meant to be. I just need a mind that is open and free enough to see it.