deadponies

Criticism

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Tue, 10 Apr 2018 02:35:00 +0000

I received some welcome criticism on The Scribbled Victims from Christine Wu this morning. Some of the notes I would take, others I would not. But the sucky part is that it’s too late to do anything about it, since it’s already been in circulation for over a year. I told her I'd consider some of the points about my writing style for the next book, but then realized that was pretty much too late too since I’m so close to being done. But the next book…..LOL. The next book may be a Maddie book in which case nothing applies.

Christine Wu reading my book

Surprise

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Mon, 09 Apr 2018 00:30:00 +0000

I canceled boot camp this morning since I had gone out last night. I slept late and when I woke, I went to celebrate the birthday of Amie’s two-year-old son, Liam. Paul and Jay were there as well. I went to Starbucks after the birthday party, to finish reading a book and to write more of Chapter Twenty. Jay paid me a surprise visit and so we talked for some time, mostly about dating life. I’ve been listening to Bauhaus a lot today, as I found a couple of albums on Spotify I had never heard before. Work tomorrow. Boo.

Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sun, 08 Apr 2018 06:59:00 +0000

I went to boot camp and burned nearly a thousand calories. I went to Starbucks and wrote over a thousand words of the new Chapter Twenty. I also solved a couple of story structure problems, but one big problem remains. I’ll figure it out though. This evening, I went out to Thai food with Paul, so my month of not eating out wasn’t successful. We went for a walk after and then to see a play called The Little Dog Laughed that my friend Rachael was stage managing. Paul knew nearly all the cast and crew. The play was awesome.

Better

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 03:11:00 +0000

My depression was a little better today. That was a surprise. I wrote well and netted 650 new words, but that wasn’t the cause of the mood improvement because I felt it before I began writing. If it’s not purely chemical, I think it’s because today I felt less concerned about the success of my books and the release date of the sequel. I went to boot camp after work. It was strength training day and my body is so sore. I have boot camp again at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I’m trying to feel more positive about traveling this summer.

Polo

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Thu, 05 Apr 2018 18:53:00 +0000

Depression persists. I asked for an extension on the fee proposal revisions until next Wednesday. It's not even noon yet and I'm ready to crawl back into bed. Some very good news is that someone who has managed social media campaigns professionally has agreed to take over my author social media. I'm hardly speaking to anyone, but I'm really loving this Marco Polo app. It lets me see the faces of those I am talking to. It feels as convenient as texting but is much more personal. I wish I could use it to talk to my psychologist and psychiatrist.

Peak

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 15:26:00 +0000

I talked again to my psychologist about my growth as a writer slowing in recent years, indicating to me that I might be reaching my peak, and if what I’m producing now isn’t good enough, my future is pretty bleak. On the drive home, I started thinking, I must make this sequel better than the first book. That’s the smartest thing I can do. I need a break from my current life. I need a place of silence. I need to remove myself from this world of connectivity. I need to just be with Orly for a long while. Impossible.

Eleven

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 01:03:00 +0000

My psychologist and I talked about me feeling dead inside. We talked about cutting. But now that I think about it, I don’t think even cutting would be enough to make me feel things. We talked about the situation between me and Jessica. I feel like it can’t go on forever, but at the same time, I can see the rest of my life without her in it. I told him eleven years of friendship isn’t a failure. He agreed. We talked about me feeling like a failure as a writer and how it means I won’t ever feel fulfilled.

Canceled

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 19:36:00 +0000

I'm not well today. I feel nothing. I don't feel alive. I want to leave my job and disappear. I canceled boot camp, but fifteen minutes later signed back up because I knew it was more likely to help me than hurt me. I was wondering what I will do if the Kirkus review tears my book apart. What then? The first thought was sleeping pills. The second thought was that I would have to get the book into the hands of someone important. Who? I was reading about Amsterdam last night. I don't feel enthusiastic about going there anymore.

70,000

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sun, 01 Apr 2018 22:15:00 +0000

I’ve been to boot camp three days in a row. Today was especially good as the soreness in my body is lessening and I pushed myself to run faster. I hope I can keep this up. I hope I can become addicted to exercise. Attending five days a week would be great. Scribbling The Eternalreached exactly 70,000 words today, and I have a fun scene coming up. I lowered my monthly word count quota to 5,000 words due to the stress I’ve been experiencing. But today, the first day of April, I’m already 10 percent there with 546 words.

Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 21:52:00 +0000

Years ago, I asked one of our student workers what her MySpace name was. She answered she didn’t have a MySpace and further elaborated that “no one has a MySpace anymore” that everyone was on Facebook. The MySpace mass exodus was upon us and I had no idea. At boot camp today, an older woman asked the girl at the front desk, whose last day it was, what her Facebook was, and she replied, “Facebook is for old people. I have Instagram and Snapchat.” Isn’t the shelf life of social media determined by society’s youth? Is Facebook on death’s doorstep?

Combination

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 00:53:00 +0000

I burned over a thousand calories at boot camp this morning. Still trying to addict myself to exercise. It's nice though that it allows me to eat more calories. I'm still rewriting Chapter Nineteen. It was the chapter that my pre-readers had the most difficulty with. This situation with Jessica is really weighing on me. She said that 2018 was the year she was going to get rid of the negativity in her life. I should do the same. But I was thinking, is she or I the negative or is it the combination of us that brings us down?

Insights

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 21:48:00 +0000

I talked to Amirah about the situation with Jess. I'm lucky to have access to her insights. I emailed my boss to tell her that I need to start making an effort to leave on time regularly at 2 p.m. so that I will have time and energy to go to boot camp regularly because of my elevated blood pressure and my doctors worried about my weight and diabetes. My vampireauthor Instagram account is getting close to 400 followers. That's great since at the beginning of the month I didn't even have 200. Most of the new followers are writers.

Addicted

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 15:23:00 +0000

It feels like a break up, which I don't find surprising. It was eleven years and we were close. I learned some things she said about me in the beginning. They're ugly, but they don't phase me today because I know her feelings changed. But I have no desire to write. I have no desire to read. I come home from work and take sleeping pills. I slept thirteen hours again. I'm going to try to distract myself with exercise. With my addictive personality, I'm hoping to become addicted to exercise like many in my boot camp claim to be.

Eleven

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Tue, 27 Mar 2018 15:26:00 +0000

Still upset, I took a second Klonopin and an Ambien and went to sleep around 3 p.m. yesterday. I woke at 4 a.m. when my alarm went off. I saw that I had text messages from Stitches and they infuriated me so I texted back and all hell broke loose again. It's really bad. I love her, but as I said before, I don't have faith we're going to fix this. We had eleven years of friendship. That's longer than many friendships, so in that sense I think we did good, but it still hurt a lot to cut ties.

Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Mon, 26 Mar 2018 19:54:00 +0000

Stitches and I had a big blow up via text. I left it on a very ugly note. We both mentioned our blood pressure rising. My patience wore thin quickly because I feel we keep having the same fight over and over again. I don't know where this will leave us, but for the time being, I just don't want to talk. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to leave the office, take some sleeping pills, and lie in bed. I don't have faith we are going to overcome these differences we've held for so long.

Ate

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Mon, 26 Mar 2018 06:59:00 +0000

I arrived at Starbucks earlier today and wrote about 450 new words. I'm still feeling overwhelmed about how long this book is becoming. The weekend has been good. I read two books. I was able to relax. Friday night, I thought about getting a room in Palm Springs to isolate myself and write, but the prices were more than I wanted to pay. In retrospect, if I knew Haley was going to be out there at the same time, I might have paid it. I ate too much for dinner; I knew it was too much before I ate it.

Skipped

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sun, 25 Mar 2018 03:28:00 +0000

I didn’t wake until two o’clock in the afternoon. I went to sleep with a sore throat and an earache. By five p.m. I finally went to Starbucks and began to write. I remembered what my psychologist and I talked about and skipped ahead of where I had left off and wrote new text instead of revising. The story began to feel alive again, instead of frozen in place. It overwhelmed me slightly with how much more I have to write. Perhaps this novel will surpass a hundred thousand words. Six espresso shots and my eyes are still growing heavy.

Afraid

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sat, 24 Mar 2018 02:45:00 +0000

Most of my session with my psychologist today was me complaining about how hard it is to get friends to read my book that took me two years to write. I know I shouldn’t feel so frustrated. I don’t usually have expectations, because I know it leads to disappointment. But the last few minutes of the session were more important. I realized I’ve been spending excessive time rewriting chapters that the pre-readers have seen of the new book because I’m afraid to write new chapters. I’m afraid they’ll lead to the end of a book that won’t be any good.

Instagram

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 06:59:00 +0000

My @vampireauthor Instagram account gained over 100 new followers yesterday thanks to a hashtag being used #writersfollowriters. I don't know if following and being followed by a bunch of writers will help my book exposure, but I have met some other vampire authors and have made agreements to read and review each other's books. For the time being, I decided to keep my @rtauthor Twitter and Facebook, even though I never use them. I'd rather be writing my book than thinking of things to tweet about my book. I'm thinking of hiring someone to help out with my social media.

Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 19:11:00 +0000

The Scribbled Victims received another five star review from someone I don't know. That made me happy. But then I started bumming myself out by thinking of how many of my friends haven't even read my book. Maybe they're not readers. Maybe they're too busy. But they're never too busy to want my time. They call themselves my friends. Some of them even tell me they love me. My book is super important to me. The time I give these friends, is essentially my writing time. Do they deserve my writing time? People I barely know online have read it.

Simple

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 06:59:00 +0000

I've been rewriting. It's a slow process. But Orly is holding my tightly. I've been wishing I could just spend the bulk of my days with my characters, in other words, just write for a living. I've been at my current job for thirteen years. I feel like I want out. I'm hesitant to go back to the private sector though because of the stress it gave me before. I'm thinking of moving to Asia and teaching English and living a simple life, where I can just write during my time off. But I'll lose so much of my retirement.

Optum

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 01:05:00 +0000

For behavioral health, I have Optum insurance. They haven't raised their contracted rate with my psychologist since 2003. Consequently, he is going to stop accepting Optum on May 1. This is a major blow. He is a great therapist, and we have made so much progress, and I've shared things with him I haven't shared with other therapists, especially about my sex life. I'm trying to negotiate to pay the difference, but doubt that will work. I may have to change insurance companies and lose my $1,000 out of pocket maximum in exchange for a $2,500 deductible and higher premiums.

Translation

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:53:00 +0000

Michie and I snuck out of boot camp after the first round, which today only meant six minutes of exercise. We went to a nearby Starbucks instead and talked about a few things, including translation problems with the Japanese in my new book. I went out to breakfast, then to a different Starbucks where I reviewed notes from my pre-readers and rewrote four chapters. I gained 48 words this time. After I could tell I was spent from writing, I picked up a book and read for a while. Now it’s not even 6 p.m. and I want to sleep.

Burpees

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Sun, 18 Mar 2018 05:59:00 +0000

Today was a good day. I went to boot camp at 6 a.m. but snuck out before round three as I saw we were going to have to do burpees. I hate doing burpees. I went out for a tofu omelet instead. After I showered, I went to Starbucks and finished reading one book and read half of another book. I did a little rewriting, but threw away more than I created, so I actually netted negative two words. One of the baristas asked about my book and took my Scribbled Victims bookmark and said that she would read it.

Buddha

noreply@blogger.com (Robert Tomoguchi) — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 16:48:00 +0000

I left the office around 3 p.m. but didn’t leave campus until around 6 p.m, because I spent three hours listening to an evangelist on campus arguing with students. The crux of his argument is that academia is the biggest cult on earth. He claimed nothing but a monotheistic god could trigger the big bang, and of the major monotheistic religions this had to be Christianity, because this was the only one to offer evidence through miracles performed. He bashed on other religions, including Buddhism. The highlight of the arguing was when this skater exclaimed, “Buddha is tight as fuck.”