Today is my brother David’s birthday so I thought I’d bake him a cake. I used a Teddy Bear shaped cake pan (because that’s how I roll–only the finest novelty cake pans are used in my kitchen).

But after I applied frosting and placed the Junior Mints for the eyes and nose, it turned out looking more like an Ewok from Star Wars.

I hate those things.

I was originally going to make it an evil bear, but my mom, who briefed me over the phone on how to turn on the oven, made me promise I wouldn’t:

Me: “Hello, mom?”

Mom: “Billy! What’s up?”

Me: “I told you a million times, don’t call me Billy!”

Mom: “Sorry. You know it’s David’s birthday, right?”

Me: “Yeah, mom, that’s why I called. I’m baking an evil bear; how do I turn on the oven?”

Mom: “Why does everything have to be evil?”

Anyway, no matter how it tastes, I’m still proud of myself because I had the courage to pick up a highly-complicated box of Betty Crocker Super Moist Butter Recipe Chocolate Cake Mix and follow the grueling 3-step instructions including the esoteric toothpick move: “Step 3: Bake as directed or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean…”

Cake Baking Tip #1: Toothpicks come 250 to a box, so be sure and pick up several dozen boxes before you start your cake project. I didn’t know this and I ran out. I was forced to start using wooden matches.

Cake Baking Tip #2: If you do end up using wooden matches, snip off the sulfur ends before getting them anywhere near a hot oven. There are no written instructions on the cake mix box for this, either, so beware.

Bonus Tip: It is also wise to keep a fully-functioning fire extinguisher in the kitchen.

I’m always happy in the morning–even when I lived in Wisconsin and had to get up at 2:30 a.m. so I could have time to scrape ice off my 1988 Nissan Pulsar and drive 60 miles through nearly-fictional weather in order to get to my crummy little job.

I realize I’m probably not normal, but here are a few things I’ve learned that should help most people reduce their morning grumpiness:

1. Give Yourself Extra Time And Do Something Fun In The Morning

I know a lot of you would rather be mauled by dingos than have to get up any earlier, but giving yourself extra time in the morning will take that “rushed” feeling away and reduce the tension level by several degrees. I give myself a full hour before I even have to start getting ready. Usually, I spend it relaxing with a large cup of coffee and plotting a bank heist surfing the internet.

2. Learn To Get Up Before The Alarm Goes Off

Waking up to a screeching alarm is the surest way to inspire a killing spree. I’ve trained myself to wake up an hour before the alarm goes off and, seriously, it is the best advice in this whole article (don’t forget to shut off the alarm when you get out of bed though!).

3. Avoid Chore-Style Work First Thing In The Morning

Sure, you’ll have to feed the cats to stop their relentless yowling, but doing things like answering emails or shellacking patio furniture is way too much like work. Engage only in mindless, low-level activities such as watching squirrel videos or reading Dead Rooster.

4. Stay Away From The News

Trust me, if the world was vaporized by a runaway asteroid, someone would have told you.

5. Do Something Nice For A Random Person

Look for an opportunity to do something nice for someone. This is not only one of the most uplifting things you can do for yourself, but it might even cause a chain-reaction brightening the days of dozens of people you’ll never even meet. Give it a try and see how good it makes you feel.

Being happy first thing in the morning is important because it sets the tone for your entire day. Work on the morning and, I promise you, the rest of your day will have a much better chance of turning out great.

Need a laugh to get you started? Read some of my best received humor pieces:

Dead Rooster Survives Bug Attack on Universal Mummy Coaster
The Spastic Dance of the Black Widow Spider Slayer
I Scream, You Scream, But No One Screamed like the Ice Cream Man

Photo credit: Scarleth White

As much as I love to click links in each and every tweet promising to get me over One Million Followers in the Next 10 Minutes, the extreme volume of such tweets can sometimes obscure other, semi-important tweets such as my girlfriend tweeting from the front yard on her cell phone that all four bedrooms are on fire and I should get up out of my computer chair before the back of my head chars.

One way to sift out the spam is to start un-following these brave souls; however, by doing that you run the risk of a retaliatory de-following and reducing your impressive follower count.

Now, if that doesn’t bother you, go ahead and do it, but if you’re a blogger like me and like the “social proof” benefits of showing a big Twitter follower count on your blog, I’ve discovered a solution that will not only turn the sprinklers on these annoying pests, but will beef up the Feedburner feedcount on your blog at the same time.

The answer is FriendFeed.

FriendFeed allows you to tweet as normal to your friends through Twitter except you can categorize your Twitter followers into manageable containers.

For example, you can place your favorite Twitter friends into a container called, “Friendzies” and then just communicate with those particular tweeps rendering everyone else invisible.

If @MisterSpam shows up, go ahead and make him happy by subscribing to his FriendFeed, then throw him into the online equivalent of Solitary Confinement. I call mine, “The Pile.” [so evil]

Another cool thing is that you don’t have to keep refreshing the screen to see if one of your buddies tweeted; the screen will scroll as the tweets come in!

When you use FriendFeed for your tweets, the tweets are no longer limited to 140 characters; if you run long, FriendFeed will automatically put in a link that, when clicked, takes the reader to the full-version.

As an added bonus, bloggers will love that when they add their RSS feed to FriendFeed, their feedburner feedcount will rise with every FriendFeed subscriber.

I’ve only scratched the surface of what you can do using FriendFeed in relation with Twitter, but there’s so much more (such as attaching comments to tweets or automatically tweeting your new blog posts), so go ahead and play with it and discover all the great non-twitter related stuff as well.

Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe to my FriendFeed and I’ll return the favor (you might want to send a Direct Message to me through FriendFeed letting me know you’re a Dead Rooster reader and not a spammer so I’ll know not to throw you on “The Pile”).

See you there!

Photo credit: salvez