The last couple years have made all of these tasks but the third in particular an extremely difficult enterprise. Stuff like “We lost it all but you can take solace in knowing it’s not us, it’s the market. The global financial markets are wrong, and we happy few at [insert your firm here] are correct, in a way that has yet to reveal itself but rest assured, is coming” is good stuff but at this point stale. Those taking pride in their missives re: what it feels like to be worked over with the spreader and truss bar for 85 straight trading sessions  know new material is necessary but what? Think, damn it, think, they say as they sit at their desks, knee high in redemption requests.

If you currently find yourself looking for some fresh ideas/excuses for upcoming love notes re: July losses, consider this one, courtesy of Patrick Evershed, which is really not half bad.

Patrick Evershed, a former New Star Asset Management Holdings Inc. fund manager, can proceed with a lawsuit over claims he was bullied by company founder John Duffield, a London court said. Evershed, 69, can pursue whistleblowing and unfair dismissal claims against the fund, a London appeals court ruled today. New Star had sought to dismiss the whistleblowing claim, which allows him to seek unlimited damages. Most U.K. unfair dismissal claims are capped at about 65,000 pounds ($101,000). Duffield “has been most vile to most of the fund managers for several years and bullying us,” Evershed said in a letter. “In particular he bullied me into reopening my fund. This destroyed the performance of the fund and my reputation.”

Former New Star Fund Manager Evershed Can Sue Over `Bullying,’ Court Says [Bloomberg]

Police have allegedly confiscated four pieces of dangerous sound equipment from the Lyford Cay home of billionaire Louis Bacon. The speakers are said to emit certain frequencies of irritating and annoying soundwaves that could possibly stretch over a wide range. Further investigations revealed that if used properly, the speakers have the potential to cause structural damage and even death.

Nygard Cay Property Manager, Eric Gibson, alleged that he experienced the effects of these high powered pieces of equipment. “They would find the most annoying sounds like anything with a high string, or anything with a high pitch that they could play, and they would just play the sounds as loudly as they possibly could,” Mr. Gibson alleged. It is understood that some charges could be filed soon regarding this incident.

Related(…?): Man Dies At Bahamas Home Owned By Louis Bacon

No longer will a trader be able to lazily fire off an note describing something as, for instance, “shitty.” Now he’ll have to think outside the box. What kind of deal was that? Was it “a deal so unappealing” you “wouldn’t bang it with Viniar’s yonce”? Was it a deal wouldn’t dip your wick in? Perhaps an effluent deal? Or maybe it was RB-esque? See, it’s not that hard, and actually kind of fun. Now you try.

*Don’t be jealous.

Banks plan for loss of eurozone member (FT)
Just, you know, hypothetically.

Morgan Stanley: Fear Cheap Money, Not A Double Dip (CNBC)
“The gobal economy has momentum,” Joachim Fels, the co-head of economics at Morgan Stanley. told CBNC Thursday. “Global growth is at 5 percent over the last 12 months but real global interest rates remain negative. Fears of a double-dip recession are overdone and the risks are now to the upside,” he said. Fels said he believes the Fed needs to end its very loose monetary stance sooner rather than later, as it will push up inflationary pressures across the world, given many emerging nations are importing US monetary policy in a bid keep their exports to America competitive. “Inflation is rising,” he said. “In India we are seeing signs of rising prices and inflation is now the major risk. Policy in many major economies is behind the curve.”

Singapore’s New Hedge-Fund Regulation Puts City `Back on Map’ (Bloomberg)
Seven new hedge funds set up in May and June, after the Monetary Authority of Singapore said in April that small funds can keep operating without a license as part of its review. The number of new funds last year fell 13 percent to 26, the lowest since 2003, as uncertainty over pending rule changes kept managers away, according to data from the Singapore-based industry researcher. “Singapore did not shoot itself in the foot by putting up proposals that will kill off the business,” said Kher Sheng Lee, a senior associate in the financial services group at Philadelphia-based law firm Dechert LLP in Hong Kong.

Trial ‘Bugs’ On Wall Street (NYP)
FYI: Yesterday, a federal judge in Manhattan listened to arguments about whether to allow thousands of recorded phone conversations as evidence in the upcoming criminal trial of Raj Rajaratnam, the Galleon Group hedge fund founder accused of illegal trading. If the judge rules in favor of federal prosecutors, who want the wiretap evidence heard, it could lead to a lot more bugged phones on Wall Street.

Buffett’s Dairy Queen Chilly on Frozen Yogurt Lawsuit (Reuters)
Warren Buffett will stop at nothing to defend the brand: Dairy Queen has asked a court to stop a southern California rival from selling a frozen yogurt with a name similar to Blizzard, its biggest-selling menu item. Yogubliz Inc had on May 17 filed a lawsuit seeking an order that would “eliminate any doubt” its sale of Blizzberry and Blizz Frozen Yogurt products did not infringe any Dairy Queen trademark and was not likely to confuse customers. But in a 30-page response filed Monday in Los Angeles federal court, Dairy Queen said Yogubliz was causing confusion with the Blizzard, a soft-serve ice cream also blended with candy, cookie pieces and other mix-ins.

FinReg’s SEC provision raises Big Brother alarms (NYP)
A provision buried in the week-old law allows the Securities and Exchange Commission to deny any public request for information under the Freedom of Information Act.The SEC said it aims “to provide more sophisticated and effective Wall Street oversight,” and the “success of these efforts depends on our ability to obtain documents and other information from brokers, investment advisers and other registrants.

Gov. Schwarzenegger reinstates worker furloughs (MarketWatch)
The new furloughs call for state employees to take three unpaid days off a month, starting Aug. 1, until the state can enact a new budget or the state has enough cash on hand for the fiscal year.”Our cash situation leaves me no choice but to once again furlough state workers until the legislature produces a budget I can sign,” Schwarzenegger said in a statement.

$$$ Goldman Sachs Defends Its Fund of Funds Offering [AR]

$$$ Federal Government Hiring Thousands in Wake of Financial Reform Bill [FINS]

$$$ Hedge Fund Tax Changes Cause Indigestion in Greenwich [NYM]

$$$ Carlos Slim Buys Fifth Ave.’s Only Private Townhouse [Metropolis]

$$$ Gaza’s ubiquitous donkey carts are facing stiff competition after an influx of South Asia’s iconic tuk-tuks [WSJ]

Gross is surrounded by seven computer screens with two stuffed animals — a bull and bear — sitting on top of them; El-Erian uses four monitors. The two leaders rarely speak to each other on the floor. Gross enforces a policy of near silence, sometimes by glaring at offenders who talk too loudly.

Going to make the leap in logic that he also would not appreciate you talking to him while he’s figuring out how to work the sophisticated toilet technology. You’ve been warned.

A New York judge put two shareholder lawsuits against executives and directors of Goldman Sachs Group Inc on hold until progress is made on 16 other lawsuits related to a controversial debt transaction involving the Wall Street bank. The lawsuits, brought in state Supreme Court by Robert Rosinek and Morton Spiegel, accuse Goldman officials, including Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein, of breaching their fiduciary duties by letting the bank enter transactions involving risky collateralized debt obligations tied to subprime mortgages. [ABC]

All you have to do is come up with a total arbitrary reason for why you’re (pick one:) hugging, kissing, grabbing the ass of, performing a reach-around on, suggesting you listen to Endless Love alone together in the dark or holding hands with a client. For instance, Goldman Sachs managing director Monica Mandelli years ago wanted to hug her clients and provided the rationale that because she’s Italian, this is okay.

Find what is unique in your style and turn up the volume a couple of notches. Mine is that I’m Italian. I speak with an accent. At first I was embarrassed, but then a coach at Goldman told me that Americans have a longer attention span when they listen to someone speaking with a foreign accent. So I figured, great! And instead of hiding it, I turned it into an asset. And actually, I’m able to get away with a lot because of it. I’m expected to be very passionate. I hug my clients sometimes, but that’s fine because I’m Italian.

“Because I’m Italian,” needn’t be the excuse, of course. It literally be anything so long as you own it in a way it comes off as valid. Why are you caressing your biggest client’s cheek? Because you’re (circle one:) Irish, Jewish, from Chicago, an only child, a golfer, a Bills fan, whatever, and that’s what your people do. It’s just the custom. I’m telling you, try this.

Fermanova, who was released on $50,000 bail and is being kept on house arrest, called the allegations “hilarious and over-dramatized.”

“I am a US citizen. I grew up in America. I am not a spy — that is just funny,” she told The Post. “I am freaking out right now.”

Her lawyer Scott Palmer said there was no espionage involved and that Fermanova’s husband planned to resell the scopes to big-game hunters, according to The Smoking Gun.

As for the Chapman comparisons, while a LinkedIn profile has yet to surface, Anna 2 graduated from the Ogle School of Hair, Skin and Nails and has her cosmetologist license, which could suggest she’s on track to employment with Barclays, just like the other Ruskie. The real test will be whether or not Dr. Doom has been worked by this broad. Waiting on him for comment.

Chetan Kotwal, who was an algorithmic trading systems analyst at AHL, has joined Barclays Capital as a director in European flow trading technology, according to a person familiar with the situation. Barclays declined to comment.

Dr Helder Palaro, an academic who pioneered a hedge fund replication method with Dr Harry Kat, has also left, according to a person familiar with the situation.

Other more junior departures are Yochen Maydt and Steven Piron who worked in research, Tom Ryan and Rebecca Aston, both traders; Will England, an analyst; and Tobias Brandt, an algorithmic trading systems developer.

8 People Leave Man Group [eF]

[Greenwood] said today he entered into the conspiracy with partner Walsh and that the two claimed to investors they had an “index arbitrage fund” which promised institutional investors high returns. Greenwood said he and Walsh took out funds for their own personal use, which a federal prosecutor said cost investors between $800 million and $900 million.

“You treated these investments as your own personal bank accounts?” U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum in Manhattan asked Greenwood today during his plea.

“Correct,” said Greenwood, who said that the defendants often paid out investors money if they sought a redemption, using funds from other investors.

“So this was a Ponzi scheme?” Cedarbaum asked.

“Sort of,” said Greenwood who told the judge that he took out “in excess of $75 million,” spending the money on “a house, a horse farm and antiques.”

Greenwood told Cedarbaum today that he has surrendered his assets [including the bears] to the government as part of cooperation, saying they would be auctioned off by the U.S.

“Did you have any doubt that what you were doing was a crime?” Cedarbaum asked.

“No,” said Greenwood who remains free on bond.

I write this month to condemn the inventor of the electronic “seeing eye” toilet. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking toilets here, doo-doo-stuff, some of which I hopefully won’t step in myself over the next few paragraphs. I know there must be more substantive and less objectionable topics to bring before you, but I have a sense that many of you joint me in spirit if not common experience and so I devote this month’s Outlook to another trivial snippet emphasizing our joint humanity and sense of loss due to the recent disappearance of the hand flusher.

I don’t know where it is located exactly, but there’s an electronic eye in the plumbing of public toilets these days that can sense when you get up and down (or is it down and up) and are finally finished with your “business,” if you get my drift. My doctor says a proctology exam is a necessary evil but cameras in toilets? Never having seen myself from this particular angle, it is particularly embarrassing to turn over the assignment to camera and in effect say, “Snap away– see anything that doesn’t look right?” I figure if there’s an eye in there, then there could also be a little voice that says, “Have a seat,” which of course I do, usually with much haste and a sense that I’d better get on with it before I attract a crowd.

It’s after the dirty deed is complete, however, that the real intrigue begins. Does it flush or doesn’t it? Only the computer chip knows for sure. Sometimes, thought, after the paperwork has been filed, pants pulled up and an attempted getaway initiated– nothing happens. No flush. Well, what is one to do in such circumstances? You can’t just leave it there, you know. Sometimes when the toilet’s plugged and there’s no plunger like in European bathrooms, you can get out of there quick with conscience in tact, but only, of course after checking to see that there’s no one else in the restroom who might be able to testify against you in court for being a non-flusher. With electronic eye toilets, however, the conscience is never clear and so you wave your hand in front of the camera, hoping to convince it by the breaking of light waves that someone really has used the toilet and that somehow it just forgot, or maybe the deposit was so minuscule that it just didn’t merit a flush. Hello in there! Having failed to trick it, however, the next step is to look for that little button in the back that you supposedly push in an emergency– sort of like a “break glass in case of fire” toilet equivalent.

But think of all the billions of germs! At least with an old handle you could kick it with your shoe, hold up your arms like a doctor scrubbing for surgery and make an exit looking like you’re auditioning for a part on E.R. Finally, I supposed you head for the door, listening all the while for the flush, the flush, the beautiful sound of the flush! I could have done it myself, you know, for a lot less hassle. Which is why I support a retreat to the old days (not the backyard outhouse) but a good-old fashioned hand-flusher. One push, and presto, you’re good to go.”

Private Eyes [PDF via Daily Intel]

Showtime executives “at first tried to find something industrious for her to do,” the source said, adding that after a rotation in casting, programming, and other departments within the network, Singh landed in publicity, in part because her best asset is her ability to party.

On one occasion, sometime last summer, Singh arrived in a limo with Redstone at a Showtime event and spent the night by his side. “She got the job at Showtime shortly thereafter,” a source said. Last September, Redstone escorted Singh and another girl to an Emmy party. “What is our intern doing at Sumner Redstone’s table?” a second source remembered wondering about Singh at the time. A 2001 profile in Los Angeles Magazine provides a glimpse into Singh’s pre-Redstone life, which at the time included clubbing with the likes of Coolio, Fred Durst, and other celebs of the time. While describing the “slut/angel/slut” system that defines the women of the Los Angeles nightlife scene, Singh, who was using the surname “Reiss” at the time of the interview, notes that “sluts” are girls that flirt a lot, but don’t sleep around or give out their phone numbers. “Angels,” by contrast, is used ironically to refer to girls who sleep around a lot but no one knows about it, she said. “There’s a third group of women who sleep around with celebrities and CEOs and producers all over town, and they’re called sluts, too,” she added. “A lot of guys say I have a reputation for sleeping around.”

So, uh, anyway: Redstone. We can only hope Jamie and Lloyd are taking notes, and that this is the kind of shit they’re pulling in 30 years.