She had come to me as an incredibly nervous guest, but by the time she left, she had come to trust me, and maybe even love me. Considering how much she seemed to distrust me when she first arrived, that felt like quite an achievement.

I booked a pet-friendly Uber to take us back to her home. I’ve booked pet-friendly Uber cars before, only for the driver to arrive and then refuse to take the dog. I wanted to avoid that happening this time, so I sent the driver a message beforehand to make sure he was fully aware that his passenger had four legs, a flat face and absolutely no concept of personal space.

The Great Front Garden Escape

I left her in the front garden to roam around while we waited for the car to arrive. I think she knew she was going home, because the only other time she had been in the front garden was when she arrived.

Back then, she had been sticking her nose through the bars as though she was looking for someone. She had done the same thing while watching my brother walk away after dropping her off, and I remember thinking how nervous and unsettled she looked.

This time, though, she seemed much more relaxed.

As I was trying to get her into the car, she somehow slipped her lead and disappeared.

I was about to have a heart attack.

Then I noticed she had run straight back into my flat.

Had she gone down with a case of Stockholm syndrome? Had she finally stopped seeing me as her captor and started seeing me as her friend?

Either way, I couldn’t put up with her snoring, so I carried her fat arse back to the car.

I love you, Belle, but I love my snore-free nights more.

I had placed some bedding down for her to sit/lie on in the rear footwell. As I got her out of the car, I noticed that some of her hair had made its way onto the upholstery. I put the dog in the house and came back to help clean up.

This was when I discovered that the driver had absolutely nothing.

No vacuum.

No wipes.

No brush.

Nothing.

How can you offer a pet-friendly service and keep no cleaning materials in your boot?

I found a dry cloth and basically scraped as much of the hair out as I could until he eventually said he would take it to a garage later to have it cleaned properly.

And then, just like that, Belle was home.

Back to Reality

When I got back to my flat, I found it eerily quiet and empty.

No nasally bulldog breathing.

No snoring.

No bloody flies buzzing around.

Just silence.

It was actually a little strange.

I had got used to having her around. There had been the snoring, the farting, the hair, the flies, the occasional refusal to eat her breakfast and all the other little things that came with having a bulldog as a temporary housemate.

And despite all of that, I had really enjoyed having her here.

She had arrived nervous and unsure, and left knowing that this was somewhere she could feel safe. I suppose that’s probably the nicest thing I could take from the whole experience.

Would I get a dog myself?

Absolutely not.

Would I look after Belle again?

Probably.

Would I willingly spend another week listening to her snore like a malfunctioning tractor?

Let’s not get carried away.

It was nice having a dog around the place again, but it won’t become a permanent thing.

Although, I have to admit, the flat feels awfully quiet without her.

Image by Cyril from Pixabay

The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 9 – Goodbye, Belle first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

My brother had warned me that when Belle gets comfortable at mine, she will start snoring very loudly. Loudly being the understatement of the century! I’ve never heard anything so loud, and I go to football and used to work on building sites.

I was hoping to catch up on the athletics that I had missed (believe it or not, I was still catching up on the Commonwealth Games), but Belle had seemed to fully settle into her bulldog staycation and was snoring so loudly that I couldn’t hear the commentators.

Pre-World Road Running Champs Caution

I skipped a planned long run as my hip has started causing me some concern. The pain isn’t bad enough to actually stop me from running, but with only five weeks until Copenhagen, I treat any slight bit of discomfort or ache with a certain amount of trepidation.

A Sunday Stroll to Hackney Marshes

As I was unable to watch the athletics because Belle was snoring like an old diesel engine struggling on a cold morning, I decided to make the short walk to Hackney Marshes and watch my nephew play football instead.

He has been on his own clean and sober journey for even longer than I have, and I’m very proud of him because it affected him a lot worse than the dreaded drink and drugs did me.

Two Men, Two Bellies, and Zero-Alcohol Beer

We used to get up to all sorts at the weekend, on the beer and gear. Now we are just two sober blokes in our forties, drinking zero-alcohol beer and comparing our bellies.

It’s funny how life can change. Once upon a time, neither of us would have imagined that this would be where we ended up — me watching from the side lines, both of us completely sober, discussing who has put on the most weight.

And, somehow, I suspect Belle would have approved of the zero-alcohol beer too. She certainly seemed happy enough with her own staycation.

Image by Cyril from Pixabay

The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 8 – The Snoring Begins first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

She surprised me this morning by polishing off her entire breakfast. Normally, I have no option but to chuck it away the moment she walks away from the bowl; otherwise, a horde of greenbottle flies immediately descends upon it from the garden. Even with my swiftness, there were still a couple who fancied their chances and followed me into the kitchen.

Leaving the 24-Minute Pacer Behind

I left her on her own for an hour while I nipped out to do Parkrun. Today was a Mile End pacing event. The idea was to stick with the 24-minute pacer, but he was a tad slow, so I eased past him and had to rely on my own effort to maintain my pace.

I finished in 23:33, which is roughly what I want to be hitting if I’m going to achieve my target time of 1:40 in Copenhagen next month. I just need to do four of those in a row and still have enough left in the tank for a speedy final kilometre.

After a nap, it was finally time.

Millwall is Back (And Belle is in the Shed)

Time for Millwall to open their season.

Time for Belle to meet the real Uncle Dean.

Within two minutes, I was out of my chair and yelling at the TV, and Belle bolted into the garden.

She retreated into the shed, which was probably a lot cooler for her with the fan, and actually stayed there until after the game, when I eventually coaxed her back inside with her dinner.

I suspect she was beginning to wonder what had happened to the quiet, peaceful man she had spent the last few days with.

Four Saves and a Ticket to the Next Round

Of course, Millwall do not do things the easy way. We needed penalties — and the heroics of our goalkeeper, who saved FOUR of theirs — in order to progress to the next round.

It might be a Mickey Mouse cup (until one of the big Premier League clubs misses out on Europe in the league), but it is still a chance to give our fringe players some much-needed game time.

And, more importantly, it gave Belle her first proper glimpse of what she can expect when she comes to stay with me again.

I’m not sure she was impressed.

Image by Валентин Симеонов from Pixabay

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It was a very nice and relaxing day today, as my girlfriend and daughter had a day at Millwall Park planned with her best mate and his husband. This meant that Belle and I could finally recover from having them here for a few days. A bulldog staycation is just as much about relaxation as it is about having lots of fun.

I was also able to get some housework done, as well as some writing that I’ve been putting off for far too long. Nothing says “exciting Sunday” quite like catching up on chores and staring at a blank WordPress editor.

Belle is slowly but surely taking to me. She still runs out into the garden whenever I get out of my chair, just in case I’ve suddenly decided to become terrifying, but she is now following me around the garden and is much more amenable to having her head stroked.

I’m taking that as progress.

At this rate, by the end of the week she might even allow me to stand up without immediately fleeing the room.

We also spent a lovely afternoon watching classic sitcoms such as Rising Damp and Steptoe & Son, followed by a couple of episodes of Diagnosis: Murder.

Well, I watched them.

Belle spent most of the afternoon snoring her head off beside me. I’m beginning to suspect she considers my house less of a holiday destination and more of an all-inclusive sleep retreat.

The Calm Before the Football Storm

The football season officially starts tomorrow in this house, with Millwall playing QPR in the League Cup.

The League Cup is a weird one because most fans seem to hate it. Having the first round on the Saturday before the league season starts has upset quite a few people, but personally, I think it’s just as important as its more prestigious cousin, the FA Cup.

Besides, it’s football.

That’s all the excuse I need.

I do wonder how Belle is going to react tomorrow when I’m screaming at the television. She should be used to it, though, as my brother is a big Millwall fan as well.

Where do you think he learnt his passion for football from?

That’s right.

He had the misfortune of being raised by me.

Belle might have spent the week slowly learning to trust me, but tomorrow she’s going to discover there are certain circumstances where even I cannot be held responsible for my behaviour.

Millwall playing QPR is one of them.

Will this be a disastrous end to her bulldog staycation adventure?

Image by Валентин Симеонов from Pixabay

The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 6 – The Bulldog, The Sofa & The Beautiful Game first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

Belle’s Midnight Staring Contest

I woke up a couple of times during the night and, each time, realised Belle was sitting on the doormat, staring straight into the bedroom at me.

Which is really fucking creepy in the middle of the night.

I mean, what is she doing? Is she secretly plotting my downfall?

The Flea Treatment Betrayal

After her breakfast, I left her alone for an hour or so before approaching her in the shed to give her a dose of her monthly flea treatment. I don’t think any dog likes this monthly routine, so I was obviously expecting a bit of a fight from a dog in a foreign home who is normally very skittish anyway.

And I was right.

Once I entered the shed, she tried to make a break for it, but I put my knee out, which made her escape impossible. Knowing it was futile, she quickly gave up and reluctantly allowed me to do what I needed to do.

I then pulled out some ham and left her to eat it and sulk for the rest of the morning. Every now and again, she would come to the shed door and glare at me.

Not my favourite part of a bulldog staycation, and I suspect it wasn’t hers either.

Belle Finds Her Courage

When she heard my girlfriend and daughter come in, she came into the front room and suddenly grew a pair of bollocks.

Hiding behind the chair my girlfriend was sitting in, she would pop her head up and bark at me.

I played along, stamping my foot and growling, “Gertcha!” She would then play back by running out of the door before coming back to her hiding place to bark at me again.

It was like she had suddenly discovered that, with my girlfriend acting as a human shield, she was the bravest dog in the world.

I then made the mistake of deciding to clean her bed while she was using my girlfriend as a shield.

Quick as a flash — quick for a bulldog, anyway — she attacked and pinned me down while slobbering all over me.

My girlfriend was of little help during this ferocious attack. She stopped laughing just long enough to steady the camera and take a video.

Apparently, documenting my downfall was more important than coming to my rescue.

Previous: Day 4: Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 4 – The Tenant Takes Over
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The Landlord of the Flat

I think Belle is finally starting to come out of her shell. She now strolls around the entire flat like her name is on the lease, and whenever she hears something in the garden, she charges out to investigate like a grumpy old (wo)man defending her territory.

She’s also nowhere near as skittish with me as she was when she first arrived. Sure, she still runs off when I get too close, but not nearly as often. She’ll now let me walk past her without bolting and has even started following me around the garden from a safe distance.

Insults From Behind the Safe Chair

When my girlfriend and daughter came over, Belle suddenly found her courage. She started barking at me while hiding behind the chair my girlfriend was sitting in. I’d hear a bark, then see her head slowly pop up from the safety of the other side of the chair to check whether I was still there. It was the canine equivalent of shouting insults from behind a brick wall.

The Traitor Revealed

We did that thing where I pretend to hit my girlfriend, and Belle barked furiously at me. Then we swapped roles… and the stupid dog still barked at me. Has the traitor forgotten that I’m the one who keeps her alive by feeding her and keeping the flat and garden cool?

Let’s see if she can open her own tins of dog food.

A Five-Star Review (With Lidl Ham)

Speaking of food, she completely finished her dinner tonight. She obviously enjoyed the evening’s menu: beef and liver in a rich jelly sauce, topped with a generous layer of the finest thinly sliced ham. Or, as humans call it, a tin of Butcher’s dog food with Lidl’s budget ham thrown on top.

Another glowing review for my bulldog staycation business.

The Bedding Incident

The overnight temperature was forecast to drop to 13°C, so I thought it might be a bit too chilly to leave her outside in the shed and garden. After a brief chase around the garden and a stern “Get inside!”, I finally managed to close the back door.

She promptly peed on her bedding.

Apparently, this is something my brother warned me about. Don’t leave anything on the floor, or Belle will claim it as her personal toilet. Consider that lesson learned.

Previous: Day 3: Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 3 – Rain, Snorts and Judgement
Next: Day 5 is coming tomorrow! Check back then or subscribe to get it in your inbox.

Image by Cyril from Pixabay

The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 4 – The Tenant Takes Over first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

The weather heated up to 29°C today in London, which might be great for us humans, but it isn’t so great for our VIP. So I did a few things to try and cool things down for my flat-faced, homeostatically challenged guest.

Beating the Heat on a Bulldog Staycation

I switched on fans in the front room and the shed, put down two bowls of cold water, and, because she isn’t the brightest and insists on sitting in the garden, I turned the sprinkler on to cool the grass. Yes, I know there’s a hosepipe ban in place, but I don’t think running it for five or ten minutes to help keep this pooch alive is going to make the drought any worse.

Caught in a British Downpour

Of course, in true British fashion, a couple of hours later the heavens opened. It wasn’t just raining—it was absolutely hammering it down. This daft dog was sitting right in the middle of the garden while the rain smashed into her face. I ended up chasing her around the garden before she finally agreed to come inside. By the time I’d caught her, we were both absolutely soaked.

The Towel-Down Bonding Session

I think towelling her down might have been the bonding session we needed because, about an hour later, she wandered over, leaned her head against me and demanded a proper head scratch. That’s probably the closest thing you get to a bulldog saying, “Thanks.”

Our First Bulldog Staycation Yelp Review

She’s also become brave enough to stroll around the flat as though she bloody owns the place. A few times while I was having a nap or getting ready for bed, she’d appear silently in the bedroom doorway, let out a loud snort, stare at me for a moment, and then wander off again as if she’d inspected my room, found it wanting, and moved on with the rest of her rounds.

I’m starting to wonder if my hospitality skills are failing, as I’m certain this guest is looking to give me a poor review on yelp (arf arf).

Image by Cyril from Pixabay

Previous: Day 2: Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 2 – Ham, Hope & Hard-to-Win Trust
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Bulldog Staycation: Ninja Stealth vs. X-Ray Vision

I awoke and remembered that I am currently running a one-canine bulldog staycation service, so I had better check on my guest.

As I pressed my nose against the bedroom window I saw Belle staring right back at me. I have no idea how she knew I was there because there was a net curtain hiding me, and I was as silent as a ninja. Either bulldogs have developed X-ray vision, or my stealth skills aren’t quite as good as I like to think.

I brewed myself a coffee and sat on the back step with a piece of ham in my hand. She cautiously inched her way towards me and got close enough to take the ham before allowing me to give her a little stroke. Then she casually wandered off again, as if to remind me that I hadn’t earned full privileges just yet. Still, I’m counting that as a small win.

We made her some breakfast. She ate a little before retreating to her favourite spot at the end of the garden. I had to throw the rest away because it was attracting green flies, and I didn’t fancy Belle getting ill under my watch. I’d never hear the end of it. My brother would bring it up at my wedding, my funeral, and, come to think of it, every family gathering in between.

The TV Critic and the Miniature Tornadoes

She has started venturing into the flat a little more and even had a snooze on her bed next to me while I was watching Rising Damp and Steptoe & Son on Great! TV. I’m not saying she’s developing excellent taste in television, but it’s a promising sign.

Perhaps ‘great selection of classic British sitcoms’ can be added to the bulldog staycation brochure?

My girlfriend and daughter came round for a few hours, and Belle seemed much more comfortable around them than she is around me. This was a big surprise because they both arrive everywhere like miniature tornadoes. I was convinced that all the excitement would terrify my skittish little holidaymaker, but apparently I’m the suspicious one and they’re the comforting ones. Make it make sense.

She only ate about a third of her evening meal. I’m not too concerned, though, as we’re still in the middle of a heatwave. She’s drinking plenty of water and is more than happy to accept ham and treats, so I suspect she’s just not got much of an appetite.

An Unexpected Night Shift

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Belle bark. I got up to investigate and discovered she’d come face-to-face with the neighbourhood cat that breezes into my home whenever it feels like it. Judging by the speed at which the cat disappeared, I’m guessing it wasn’t expecting to find a bulldog on reception duty. I think it may choose a different route tomorrow.

Previous: Day 1: Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 1 – Surviving A Stubby-Legged Escape Plot
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The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 2 – Ham, Hope & Hard-to-Win Trust first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

The Front Garden Standoff

When she was dropped off, it took me 20 minutes to get her from the front garden into the house. I tried calling her and unsuccessfully attempted to bribe her with treats. In the end, I had to clip her lead on and gently coax her inside.

The moment I removed the lead, she sprinted into the back garden like a stubby-legged Olympian.

I decided to leave her alone as she repeatedly paced around the garden, seemingly looking for a way to escape. Good luck with that, little one – my garden is impenetrable.

I eventually managed to get her to eat a little and have a drink, but I had to put both bowls out in the garden because she refused to come inside. Every time I appeared, she would bolt to the nearest corner as if I were plotting something sinister.

Handling a Bulldog Staycation in the Summer Heatwave

As we are still in the middle of a heatwave I decided not to put her under any more stress. I left the back door open so she could come inside whenever she felt ready. I set up her bed and left plenty of fresh water waiting for her..

While I was in bed that night, I could hear her coming in and out of the house. Every so often, the sound of her snoring drifted into my room, which I took as a good sign. She might not have trusted me yet, but at least she felt safe enough to settle down.

Day one wasn’t exactly a roaring success, but it wasn’t a disaster either. We were simply two strangers cautiously figuring each other out. Hopefully tomorrow she’ll realise I’m not the enemy – I’m just the bloke with the treats and she can start to enjoy her bulldog staycation a lot more.

Next: Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 2 – Ham, Hope & Hard-to-Win Trust

Image by Cyril from Pixabay

The post Belle’s Bulldog Staycation: Day 1 – Surviving A Stubby-Legged Escape Plot first appeared on Dean Saliba Dot Com.

So, as someone who doesn’t have the luxury of working from home on Monday, I’ll be trying to get an early night, wake up at midnight, and then hopefully bag another hour or so of sleep after Mexico knock us out.

God knows what kind of condition I’ll be in by tomorrow afternoon.

I was walking across my estate on my way to finally get my head and face shaved when I noticed a young boy staring at me intently. Before I knew it, he was walking alongside me, his gaze still firmly fixed on me.

After keeping pace with me for half the estate, he finally spoke as we walked past a Lime bike lying discarded on the floor.

“Excuse me, sir.”

I immediately looked around to see who he was addressing.

“Can you unlock this Lime bike for me? It’s only £1.”

I politely said, “No,” and carried on my way, while also having a quick look around for hidden cameras.

What kind of trickery is this!?

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