Dear Miriam - Mirror.co.uk

Why Gordon Brown has ditched the choc for a more a-peeling snack - bananas

2010-02-10T00:01:58Z

No wonder Gordon Brown has ditched his three-Kit-Kat-a-day habit in favour of snacking on bananas.

Easy-to-peel, quick to eat and non-messy, a banana is a natural convenience food - perfect for the busy PM who needs to keep up his energy in the run-up to the election.

I'm a banana fan myself. They're lower in fat than chocolate, packed with nutrients and fill you up. But if speculation that he's eating up to nine a day is right, the health benefits could be outweighed by potential risks.

Faddy eating, where one food dominates, is never a good idea. No matter how healthy a food is, you can have too much of a good thing. So if you're tempted to take a leaf out of the PM's book, stick to no more than three a day to get the benefits without the downsides.

Banana benefits

LOW-FAT: There's just 0.3g of fat in a medium-sized 100g banana, compared with 5.5g of fat in a two-finger Kit-Kat. Although there isn't a huge calorie difference (95 to a Kit-Kat's 107), opting for the banana will mean you're less likely to get fat as it fills you up for longer and you're less likely to reach for more snacks.

STEADY ENERGY: Because it's a natural rather than refined food, it takes longer for the body to process, so you get lasting energy rather than short-lived highs and lows from chocolate.

STRESS BEATER: Bananas contain tryptophan, a calming amino acid.

NUTRIENT-PACKED: They're high potassium, which keeps blood pressure in check, as well as helping muscles, including the heart, to work properly. Bananas also contain calcium and magnesium for bone health,
B vitamins for the brain plus
disease-fighting vitamin C.

FULL OF FIBRE: They reduce cholesterol, prevent constipation and possibly lower the risk of bowel cancer. Most of us don't get enough.

Banana dangers

The trouble is, regularly eating five or more bananas a day - certainly nine - could do more harm than good. Depending on size, it could amount to more than 1,000 calories, nearly half the average man's recommended daily limit of 2,500.

And eating so many could mean he's missing out on nutrients from other fruit - we're supposed to eat five DIFFERENT fruit and veg a day. Plus the high-fibre side-effects could include stomach ache, wind, nausea and needing the loo a lot.

Too many bananas could lead to hyperkalemia - too much potassium in the blood. It's normally caused by kidney disease or diabetes but could happen if you eat too much potassium-rich food, especially
with supplements.

The result could be an abnormal heartbeat - not good news, especially in a middle-aged man. So I'd suggest Gordon adds a few other items like apples, pears, clementines or satsumas (less messy than oranges) to the Downing St fruit bowl, plus a packet of unsalted, unsweetened nuts like heart-healthy almonds for good measure.

Are me and my sister to blame for our parents' split?

2010-02-10T00:00:08Z

Dear Miriam,

My parents separated last month and life's been terrible. They row whenever they meet, even when Dad comes to pick up me and my twin sister at weekends.

We're 14 and have been crying ourselves to sleep every night. Our parents gave us no warning they were splitting up. One minute Dad was at home and then he was gone.

We keep thinking if we didn't argue with each other so much and weren't so lazy, he'd still be here and it's our fault.

We want things to be the way they used to be. All our friends' parents are still together and we're worried about what will happen to us and if we'll have enough money. We're booked to go on a school trip at Easter and don't know if we can go now.

Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and everything would change. If we can't have them together again, we would at least like them to be nicer to each other and not shout all the time. Can't they see they're upsetting us? Will it always be this hard?

Jess

Dear Jess,

Thousands of marriages end in separation and divorce each year in the UK, so you're not alone. But when it happens to you it's very hard and you feel very unsure what it all means. It's common for teens to think their parents' separation is their fault but this isn't true. When parents decide to divorce, they're rejecting each other, not their children.

A divorce can mean adjusting to many changes, such as your family not being able to afford all the things you were used to before the separation, moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.

Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns, when there's enough time to sit down with one or both of them to discuss how the divorce will affect you.

Don't try to be strong for them but let them know just how upset you are. Then explain how things would feel better if only they could stop arguing all the time. Tell them you love them equally.

Don't worry about putting added stress on them. It's better to bring your fears into the open than to let worries or resentment build up. Stay involved in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep school activities and friends the same.

With any luck, your parents will understand that, for your sakes, they should treat each other with respect, remembering the love that was once there, rather than focusing on whatever it is that's gone wrong in their relationship.

I'm such a soft touch with my lover - what should I do?

2010-02-10T00:00:08Z

Dear Miriam,

I'm in love with a woman who is sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. She's my neighbour and a single mum.

I help her out with money and buy her shopping for her now and then because she doesn't earn a lot as a part-time waitress. She came to me just before Christmas in a desperate state as she'd had an unexpected bill. The
ex-boyfriend is the father of her kids and doesn't support them financially.

She says she could easily fall in love with me if it wasn't for her ex. What should my next move be?

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Unless you're determined to see whether you can avoid being jealous in a
non-exclusive relationship, your next move should be backwards. As long as she's sleeping with the father of her children, she won't replace him with you - but she will use you to supply cash.

She sounds very mixed up but you can't sort her out. Love clouds our judgment. Sometimes the person we want the most, is the person we're better off without.

You'll be emotionally and financially poorer if you go on investing your time and money on her. You've become her friendly banker, not her boyfriend.

You deserve someone who has their mind on you and nobody else.

Gripped by panic

2010-02-10T00:00:08Z

Dear Miriam,

I'm a 35-year-old mother of three lovely children and have a wonderful husband but occasionally I get black moods and worry about dying young or catching some deadly disease.

I worked myself up into such a panic after hearing about a friend being diagnosed with cancer, I could hardly function and now I fear I have a mental illness. What should I do?

Kay

Dear Kay,

If your friend's diagnosis encouraged you to take better care of yourself, that's a good thing - but you must learn to focus on the good rather than the bad.

Relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises and muscle relaxation promote inner calm. Exercise also keeps the mind healthy. Talk to your doctor.

Love's in limbo

2010-02-10T00:00:08Z

Dear Miriam,

I'm 33, have two children and work full-time. My husband and I have drifted apart. He shows me no affection and we fight all the time. About a year ago I met someone and we started an affair.

I ended the relationship as I felt so guilty about being disloyal but now I don't know what to do. I'm lonely and can't go on like this. Please help.

Denise

Dear Denise,

Would it be realistic to make it your goal to get back to where you were before the kids and life's pressures got in the way? What's important is you don't allow things to drift any longer and don't fight in front of the children

Contact Relate, the relationship people, on 0300 100 1234 or visit www.relate.org.uk, to help find a way through this.

A problem shared: Worried about leaving my wife and losing my children

2010-02-09T00:01:02Z

Dear Miriam,

My wife and I started to grow apart six years ago. We haven't had a sexual relationship for more than three years. We have our own hobbies and were happy to lead separate lives. We stay together for the sake of the children.

Although I wasn't looking for anyone else, I met a fantastic woman two years ago. She makes me feel alive again and I can see myself growing old with her.

I don't want to hurt my wife - she's nice most of the time and is a good mother - but lately there have been many arguments in front of the children causing a terrible atmosphere.

I feel you only live once and I should take the chance of happiness, but I fear my children would never forgive me for leaving and I'll lose them.

So do I stay in an unhappy marriage and lose the chance of happiness with a woman I'm in love with, or do I leave and risk losing my children? She's single and I know she won't wait forever.

Your replies...

You have already hurt your wife by investing time and energy in your relationship with another woman.

You could have put this time into saving your marriage before it was too late.

It broke my heart when my husband had an affair. I hadn't stopped loving him but sometimes things change after you have children - mainly the lack of time you get together.

Your wife may have accepted the current circumstances but, like you, she may dream of a better life.

I didn't want to stay unhappily married for the sake of the kids as his unhappiness began to make me miserable, which affected the children. I was angry that he was so selfish.

When I left him, I felt guilty that the children were no longer living with their dad but I love them more than my hurt pride and made access as easy as possible for everyone.

It may take them time to adjust to the new arrangements, depending on their age, but most children respond better to happier parents. Just give them lots of love and reassurance.

Vonny, Essex

Why are you afraid that your children won't forgive you if you leave
their mother?

As the child of a marriage where my parents had arguments like yours, I can say their main feeling may be relief that these rows have ended.

You talk about "staying together for the sake of the children" but I can tell you I certainly didn't feel my parents were benefiting me by staying together.

You don't say how old your children are but, unless they are too young to understand, why not ask them how they feel?

Margaret, North London

Don't you think your children may be fully aware that their parents are unhappy? Your recent arguments have only made it worse and were bound to affect them.

You are obviously both under great strain and it can't be good for your children if they are too.

You seem content with your new partner and, if it was me, I'd leave this unhappy marriage.

Name supplied, by email

Miriam's verdict

One important fact you haven't put into your letter is your children's ages. That would affect whether to keep your marriage together "for the sake of the children".

Most research comes down on the side of warring parents not staying together because children are damaged by incessant rows. But it's a fine line as to how severe the rows are. If you can quell them, it is better to stay together for young children.

You say you "only live once" as justification for leaving your family to start afresh with another woman. But this is a dangerous cliche, particularly in your case because it's normally used by people who don't have the responsibility of families and children.

I think you're right to fear that your children would never forgive you for leaving their mother and I feel you have to seek a middle course. If you really love this other woman, there's no harm waiting until your wife and children can cope better with the news you're leaving them.

In that time, you can sort out your real feelings and talk to your wife affectionately to find out what her feelings are. Incidentally, you don't mention her or her feelings at all in your letter and that's heartless.

If you do lose the other woman, it was never meant to be. But you shouldn't risk losing your children.

For any woman, the risk of losing her children is well-nigh impossible to imagine. It seems much easier for a man to imagine.

I feel strongly that you should stay with your family and work harder at finding out what your wife really wants, rather than ignoring her needs in your panic that the other woman won't wait forever.

I hate my mother-in-law

2010-02-09T00:00:04Z

Dear Miriam,

I've been married for four years and I find it really hard to cope with my mother-in-law.

I knew she was domineering but hoped things would change once my husband and I had a place of our own - how wrong I was.

She controls everything I do. If I have a view, it's a bad one.

If I arrange to go out with my mates, she'll arrange something so I have to cancel.

She's been quite rude and insulting to me because she thinks she's always right. My husband is too scared to say a word in my defence.

I'm now six months' pregnant and she insists she'll look after the baby, whereas I want to send my child to a local childminder. I don't even have a say over my unborn child.

We have to go to her home every weekend for dinner but I can't take much more. I'm starting to hate her.

How do I cope and stay with my husband?

Hopes rise in the battle against MS

2010-02-09T00:00:01Z

I'm delighted when research makes promising discoveries to treat the debilitating disease multiple sclerosis.

I have personal experience of this horrible condition as two close friends have it - one of whom I diagnosed myself.

Two new pills, fingolimod and cladribine, could be available by next year which will mean fewer hospital trips, injections and intravenous medication for sufferers.

But this is just one of several exciting studies going on in the field of MS. And, although a cure isn't yet imminent, we're slowly piecing together parts of the jigsaw to understand the disease.

What is MS?

Around 100,000 people in the UK have MS. It's the most common disabling disorder for young adults, with women twice as likely to develop it as men.

It's an autoimmune condition where your immune system, which normally helps to fight off infections, starts to attack your own myelin - the protective sheath surrounding the nerve fibres that carry messages between your brain and body.

As myelin is stripped from the nerve fibres, leaving scars known as lesions, these messages are interrupted. This triggers symptoms ranging from headaches, dizziness, numbness, visual disturbances and muscle weakness to severe paralysis.

Why it comes and goes

For most people, MS begins as a relapsing-remitting condition, meaning symptoms appear (a relapse), and then fade away (remission). Every relapse causes more damage to the body and, even though symptoms retreat, the sufferer never returns completely to normal. Most people with relapsing- remitting MS eventually develop "secondary progressive" MS - the more aggressive form of the disease which causes rapid deterioration.

The latest treatments

Once diagnosed, MS stays with you for life but drugs can help manage symptoms and cut relapse time, reducing accumulative damage. At the moment, these are given either as an injection or as an hour-long infusion into a vein, at hospital. Steroids can be given to treat relapses as they reduce inflammation and speed recovery time.

Because MS waxes and wanes, it can be difficult to know if a new treatment is having an effect or if the sufferer is just in a period of remission.

What causes MS?

We don't know - and it's what a lot of the current research is trying to find out. There seems to be some link between MS and vitamin D deficiency and, for many years, doctors have thought a virus such as Epstein-Barr, which causes glandular fever, could be the trigger. It might be that the virus switches on a gene which makes the body attack the myelin.

We do know that MS is not contagious and developing it has nothing to do with your lifestyle.

It's possible that a combination of certain genes make some people
more susceptible than others.

THREE ADVANCES TO RELIEVE SUFFERING

(1) Oral pills

New research published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that two new pills are as effective at reducing relapse rates as the current injections.

The once-a-day pill fingolimod, and cladribine - which is taken 20 to 40 times a year - should be available by next year.

This will mean no more going into hospital for painful injections. The MS Society plans to campaign for these pills to be on the NHS.

(2)Vitamin D

Scientists are finding more evidence about the significance of vitamin D in the development of MS. It's long been known that the further you live from the Equator, and the less sunshine you get, the more likely you are to develop MS.

This seems to be linked to a shortage of vitamin D, the nutrient made by the action of sunlight on skin.

Research has also shown that babies born in May - who developed in the womb during vitamin D-scarce winter months - are more likely to get MS in later life.

Another study found evidence that vitamin D deficiency during pregnancy could increase a child's risk of developing MS in later life. And Australian researchers found the higher an MS sufferer's level of vitamin D, the lower their chance of relapse. Research is now looking at what would be a therapeutic dose.

(3) Stem cells

This is perhaps the most exciting area of research, as it's the only one that shows promise in reversing the nerve damage caused by MS.

A recent study looked at the effect of injecting patients in the early stages of MS with stem cells taken from their own bone marrow. It found that symptoms in four out of five patients improved after three years. The rest saw their condition stabilise.

The injected stem cells appear to head to parts of the nervous system damaged by MS and repair them.

But it was only a small trial and the challenge is proving effectiveness in trials involving large numbers of people.

● For more advice contact: www.mssociety.org.uk.

It's been brilliant for me - with no side-effects

Elizabeth Kinder, 40, a musician from London, was one of just 16 people in the UK who took part in a clinical trial for the new drug fingolimod...

"Three years ago I started getting pins and needles in my arms, legs and face. I became really dizzy, unbalanced and strangely disconnected - like I was in a goldfish bowl in a storm at sea.

I was afraid I had a brain tumour so, when I was diagnosed with MS, it initially came as a relief. But when I relayed the news to a friend, she said: 'That's dreadful. How long have you got before you're paralysed?' But my doctor reassured me that MS affects everybody differently and I may never be paralysed. I was keen to take part in a clinical trial, as there's a lack of effective medication for MS. Initially I was given an established treatment injected into my thigh once a week with a huge needle. It was unpleasant and painful and gave me flu-like symptoms, and I wasn't on it long enough to know if it worked for me. Then I was given fingolimod pills, which I've found brilliant.

I've been on them for more than two years and had no side effects and I do believe they've helped stave off my MS, as I've only had one relapse.

Thirty years ago, if you were diagnosed with MS, you'd have been told to come back when you needed a wheelchair, as little could be done. But treatment really has improved and I think, in 20 years' time, they'll have found a cure."

Why it comes and goes

For most people, MS begins as a relapsing-remitting condition, meaning symptoms appear (a relapse), and then fade away (remission). Every relapse causes more damage to the body and, even though symptoms retreat, the
sufferer never returns completely to normal. Most people with relapsing- remitting MS eventually develop "secondary progressive" MS - the more aggressive form of the disease which causes rapid deterioration.

The latest treatments

Because MS waxes and wanes, it can be difficult to know if a new treatment is having an effect or if the sufferer is just in a period of remission.

What causes MS?

We do know that MS is not contagious and developing it has nothing to do with your lifestyle.

It's possible that a combination of certain genes make some people
more susceptible than others.

THREE ADVANCES TO RELIEVE SUFFERING

(1) Oral pills

New research published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that two new pills are as effective at reducing relapse rates as the current injections.

The once-a-day pill fingolimod, and cladribine - which is taken 20 to 40 times a year - should be available by next year.

This will mean no more going into hospital for painful injections. The MS Society plans to campaign for these pills to be on the NHS.

(2)Vitamin D

This seems to be linked to a shortage of vitamin D, the nutrient made by the action of sunlight on skin.

Research has also shown that babies born in May - who developed in the womb during vitamin D-scarce winter months - are more likely to get MS in later life.

(3) Stem cells

This is perhaps the most exciting area of research, as it's the only one that shows promise in reversing
the nerve damage caused by MS.

The injected stem cells appear to head to parts of the nervous system damaged by MS and repair them.

But it was only a small trial and the challenge is proving effectiveness in trials involving large numbers of people.

● For more advice contact: www.mssociety.org.uK.

It's been brilliant for me - with no side-effects

Elizabeth Kinder, 40, a musician from London, was one of just 16 people in the UK who took part in a clinical trial for the new drug fingolimod...

"Three years ago I started getting pins and needles in my arms, legs and face. I became really dizzy, unbalanced and strangely disconnected - like I was in a goldfish bowl in a storm at sea.

I've been on them for more than two years and had no side effects and I do believe they've helped stave off my MS, as I've only had one relapse.

How to stop dithering and make up your mind!

2010-02-08T00:49:16Z

Thank goodness for choice. Whether it applies to jeans or a job, it means we don't have to put up with something we dislike.

I've spent most of my working life trying to make people aware of choices in healthcare - from how and where you have a baby to alternatives to a hysterectomy.

So I was dismayed that research indicates too much choice is making us miserable, anxious and selfish.

US psychologists reckon that we now spend too much time agonising over decisions, then more time worrying that we've made the wrong one.

They say the wide range of options we have in most areas of our lives is potentially paralysing and may even be contributing to the rise in depression. But is this really true?

Mind-boggling choice

Supermarket shelves are packed with a mind-boggling array of brands.

Take something as simple as coffee - do you buy instant, ground or whole beans? Weak, medium, strong or extra-strong? Fair trade, organic or economy? Columbian, Peruvian or Cuban?

Then there are clothes, trainers, TVs, phones, gadgets, cars, college courses, careers, homes, mortgages, holidays... if you're prone to being indecisive, you can end up dithering for hours.

Even so, I still believe that too much choice is better than none. The key is to focus on what's important so you can make decisions you won't regret.

So here are some of the tricks I try when I'm faced with a head-scratching dilemma.

Don't get hung up on the small stuff

Some decisions - "cappuccino or espresso?" - will affect the next few minutes. Others -such as "should I emigrate to Australia?" - will have a huge impact on the next few years.

Try the 10-10-10 method devised by self-help guru Suzy Welch. She suggests that, when a dilemma crops up, we should ask ourselves what the consequences will be in 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years. This will help to grade its importance so you can allot the right time and effort.

It's also good if you're prone to spur-of-the-moment madness or putting so much emphasis on the future that you forget to live in the present.

Make a decision tree

I learned this trick in business but now I use it in all areas of my life. If you're making a big decision, write down all your possible options. Out of those, select three that are possible, then narrow it to two that are probable. Then pick the one you think has the greater chance of success.

To make it happen, write a detailed action plan with a deadline for each step. It reduces a huge decision to easily manageable pieces.

Ask key questions

(1) What do I want to achieve?

(2) Is this choice likely to help me to achieve it?

(3) What have I got to lose?

(4) What are the risks involved and how manageable are they?

(5) Am I comfortable with all the potential consequences?

(6) How will I feel about it in five years?

Get informed

Stumped about something potentially life-changing such as a career choice? This is well worth spending time on but it has to be productive.

Write down five possibilities then find out about each one by talking to people who know.

First, ask friends and family for contacts involved in the sort of work you're interested in. Get in touch with them to offer your services free for a short stint so you can see what's involved and talk to people in the business.

One of my sons, who didn't have a clue about what he wanted to do, finally found his career path this way.

Forget perfection

Making a decision is tortuous for a perfectionist because none of us can never be certain that what we're doing is for the best.

In fact, there's often no such thing as the best option but several options that can be made to work well. So risk tripping up now and again - very few decisions are so disastrous they can't be rectified.

Set a deadline

Sometimes any decision is better than none and a deadline will help you focus on what matters. If you dither too long, your options may shrink and the decision may be made for you.

Weigh it up

Trying to decide whether to move house? Divide a piece of paper in half lengthways - on one side write down the pros and on the other the cons.

Weigh each pro or con on a scale of one to five, according to importance. Tot up the score on each side and the decision should be made.

This would also work if you were deciding between two specific choices - for example, if you're trying to decide on holiday destinations, put Spain in one column and Turkey in the other.

Real help

Seek advice from people you respect but they may have their own agenda. For example, does your mum want you to accept that college offer because she thinks it'll lead to the best opportunities - or is it because it's nearer home than the others?

Balance instinct with logic

My doctor's training means I trust logic and nine times out of 10 it works. But I have regretted ignoring a strong gut instinct, so don't totally dismiss it.

For example, if you don't trust a salesman, is it because they remind you of someone you don't like (not a good reason) or is it because they're too pushy (a much better one).

Move on

If something doesn't work out, don't waste time regrets. Just consider what went wrong and learn it.

Should I tell my mate's pregnant wife he's messing her about?

2010-02-08T00:39:32Z

Dear Miriam,

My best friend loves chatting up women and I've spent a lot of my life being his alibi and covering up for him when he was two-timing.

I was the best man at his wedding and I joked about his gorgeous new wife needing to keep an eye on him. But it turned out to be no joke because he's up to his old tricks. He hit the jackpot with her but he still can't resist a pretty face and a sexy body.

He's started an affair with a woman who works in the cafe where he gets his morning coffee. I'm sure he hasn't told her he's married. He wants to take her away for the weekend and has asked me to cover up for him as usual. I'm supposed
to pretend we're going on a boys'-only break.

I think he's mad playing away and I've told him but he says what his wife doesn't know won't hurt her. There's no way I would ever look at another woman if she was my wife and I think I'm a little bit in love with her myself.

His wife's pregnant and I feel so angry he's messing her about and I'm tempted to tell her. Should I?

Phil

Dear Phil,

You've obviously decided it was one thing to collude with him when he was free and single and quite another now he's married and there's a baby on the way. Good for you for having some moral backbone. The trouble is your own feelings are complicating it all.

If you're seeing this as an ideal opportunity to drop him in it, couldn't you be accused of behaving dishonourably too? It would be a really good idea to examine your motives carefully before you take any action to make sure you're not acting just out of self-interest, hoping the field will be left clear for you if she dumps him.

Would his wife want to know? Inserting yourself into the middle of their relationship is asking for trouble as no one thanks the messenger of bad news. If you pull off the blindfold, it's likely to break her heart but there are no guarantees she'll look to you for consolation.

Just because you have feelings for her doesn't mean she'll return them and it would probably be a good idea to try to sort out a relationship of your own rather than pin all your hopes on her ever loving you back.

Still, your friend's put you in an uncomfortable position once too often. If he has so little respect for his wife, he probably won't have much respect for his friends either.

If he wants to behave badly, that's up to him but it's not fair to drag you into the whole mess. You don't have to be his accomplice and you can tell him you won't lie for him any more. He won't like it but he can't force you to be a party to deceiving his wife.

Eventually, whether you pull the plug on him or not, he'll be outed as such deception rarely stays buried forever.

How can I convince my parents to let me go away with my boyfriend?

2010-02-08T00:32:21Z

Dear Miriam,

I'm so upset with my parents because they won't let me go away with my boyfriend and his parents to their caravan by the seaside this spring.

I'm 16 and my boyfriend's 18. We've been together for just over a month and my parents say I haven't known him long enough.

We're not having sex, don't plan to yet and it would be gross to go at it like rabbits with his parents within earshot.

I'm a sensible girl and my boyfriend's parents are very nice. How can I convince my parents to let me go?

Hannah

Dear Hannah,

You won't be supervised all day every day and that's probably what bothers your parents but the same could be said for being at home. People who want to have sex usually find a way.

Maybe you need to be brave and tell your parents that, if you two wanted to sleep together, it would happen regardless of where you are.

Your parents may be worried by your lack of experience at 16 and how you'd cope if something went wrong. Unless they trust his mum and dad as well as you and your boyfriend, you're unlikely to change their minds.

They need to talk to his parents. Why not ask your parents if they're willing to meet them to see what they're like? When you know your boyfriend better, say in six months, they may be more amenable to the idea.

I'm shy - how can I make friends?

2010-02-08T00:23:35Z

Dear Miriam,

I have no friends because I'm so shy and unhappy. I think it's because, at school, I was picked on a lot for being a tall girl. I'm six foot and my height's always bothered me because I tower over other people.

I work in an office and I hardly talk to anyone except about work. My favourite interest is reading. Books are my friends. How do I meet shy people like me and make new friends?

Pauline

Dear Pauline,

It's OK not to be the life and soul of the party but you won't make new friends if you don't put in some effort yourself.

Try to forget about those cruel people who mocked your height. There are plenty of others who will treat you better if you give them the chance.

Making friends when we're shy is hard but not impossible. The best way to find people you have things in common with is to join a club that suits your interests.

You say you like to read, so a book or literary club would be a perfect fit for you. One of the main aims of book clubs is to allow book lovers to talk about books they've read recently and compare interpretations and opinions.

Log on to www.bookgroup.info to find a book club in your area or ask at your local main library.

Wht does my daughter date losers?

2010-02-08T00:15:17Z

Dear Miriam,

We have a beautiful, bright daughter who qualified as a doctor last year but she seems to have no common sense.

Before she went to university, she was dating our friends' son and we had high hopes they would marry one day.

Then she ditched him for someone who was all brawn and no brain. He was the bouncer at the bar where she worked part-time. He was a bully and thankfully she sent him packing.

Now she's living with another deadbeat - a musician who spends all day composing instead of looking for a job. All I want is for her to be more choosy but she won't listen.

What can we do?

Arlene

Dear Arlene,

She has made some bad relationship judgments but remedied them herself, which proves love may be blind but common sense can win through in the end. You don't have to be happy about this relationship or accept it but, if you try to intervene, you'll only push her away.

Have you considered she may be rebelling against your idea of the perfect man? Have you bothered to ask her why she likes him so much or even tried to ignore his shortcomings? Show her you value her opinions and not just your own.

What can I do about my husband winding up my son?

2010-02-08T00:06:49Z

Dear Miriam,

I remarried three years ago after my first husband left me. I had a son from that marriage and we have a daughter from this one. For the past two years, my son's relationship with my new husband has deteriorated and I often have to referee their shouting matches.

It isn't all my son's fault. I've seen my husband winding him up. He says he's only teasing but some of the remarks are hurtful. He often refers to my son as a squirt because, at 14, he's not very tall.

I feel drained and increasingly resentful towards my husband. What can I do?

Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

It's normal for kids to start to assert more independence and sometimes become rebellious when they reach the teen years. The process is much more complicated in stepfamilies due to divided loyalties and confused roles.

It's deplorable that your husband resorts to name calling calculated to deflate your son's fledgling self-esteem. When kids enter puberty, they're particularly sensitive to teasing about their physical development. It needs to stop.

You can discuss your anxieties in confidence with an understanding listener at Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222 or visit www.gotateenager.or.uk.

How can I get over my hurt at dad for cheating on my mum?

2010-02-05T00:00:54Z

Dear Miriam,

My parents divorced recently because Dad's been having an affair. He didn't even leave a decent interval between walking out and moving in with this other woman. He plans to marry her within a few weeks. They're in their 60s.

It's been hard for me to deal with all of this. I feel furious with Dad for breaking my mum's heart. She's not coping well and I fear she's close to cracking up. Mum would have forgiven him but he was adamant that he wanted out of their marriage and was never going to change his mind.

He has the cheek to be angry with me for not welcoming his girlfriend into our family. I'm having my 40th birthday the week before his wedding and he's threatening not to come if his girlfriend's not invited. Why should I invite a woman I detest and despise into my home and into my life?

I'm still struggling to work out how I feel about my dad. I haven't told him yet but I won't go to their wedding. It would crucify Mum if I gave them my blessing. My husband says I shouldn't take sides and alienate my dad as I'll regret it if we totally fall out.

Sue

Dear Sue,

You're frustrated and angry with his behaviour while he's demanding that you fully accept this whole mess with no misgivings. He's expecting a lot. He can choose to live his life the way he wants. On the other hand, he needs to accept there are consequences for his actions.

You may choose not to make allowances for him, or accept his girlfriend, if his affair has ruined your feelings for him as a dad. This may be a tough pill for him to swallow but he will have to do so.

What he did was hurtful and disrespectful but you now have to decide what kind of relationship you want with him, if any.

You can continue to struggle against the choice he's made or you can seek ways to accept this new situation. First, it's important not to
view his girlfriend as a replacement for your mother because she
never will be.

You may want to write him a letter and lay this all out on the table. Try not to be offensive and make accusations, instead simply tell him how you feel.

Let him know you still love him but you're disappointed and angry about his affair. Getting it off your chest will make you feel better. You don't even have to send the letter if you don't want to.

He may not want to consider your mother's feelings when it
comes to your birthday but you can appeal to him to avoid awkwardness by not bringing his girlfriend, for your benefit.

If he's willing to be magnanimous, perhaps you can also change your mind about boycotting his wedding.

Make sure your first impulse isn't to get back at him.