Dear Coke Talk

On a boring marriage.

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:40:28 -0700

You’ve probably already had this one (a million times) but I’m annoying and lazy so I’ll ask it anyways. What should I do if I’m bored in my marriage and have two small kids. Wait it out because we’re *both* boring and fat now? or let him know and deal with the consequences?

Wait it out? You’re in a marriage, not a line at the grocery store.

Get your shit together, woman. Children are no excuse for being fat and boring. If your husband isn’t doing it for you, feel free to tell him, but don’t be surprised if you aren’t his idea of a hot time either.

Sure, you’ve got kids to raise. Those little buckets of obligation are your first priority, but after that, you should both feel free to chase whatever excitement you can handle.

Presumably, you and your husband have something in common other than your offspring. If so, go find some fun together. If not, go find some fun separately.

Either way, have a fucking honest conversation with each other about your emotional conditions. Get that shit out on the table.

Otherwise, all that boredom is gonna fester into resentment and anger as you lead a life of quiet desperation. You’ll end up damaging your kids with your loveless marriage, and they’ll move to Los Angeles to pursue dreams of acting.

Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.

On opening it up.

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:38:18 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I feel more for him than I have ever with anyone in a past relationship. I am bisexual, and he knows that and accepts it and even finds it sexy, so that’s all good, but a lot of the time I find myself missing tits and vaginas to a point where I even consider breaking it off with him. Five weeks ago, my friend who is also bisexual and (in my eyes) a complete babe, stayed the night at mine and we ended up in our panties making out on my bed. I didn’t go any further than that, because I felt awful, but I really wanted to.

My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about my cheating and risk our relationship, or just count what happened as a mistake and keep it to myself?

I don’t want to hurt him, and I feel like I was only satisfying a craving, which is a really bad way to look at it, but that’s what has kept me from telling him so far.

Thanks for your honesty!

Why do you insist on repressing your bisexuality in the first place? Remember, monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing, and merely acknowledging your bisexuality isn’t the same thing as celebrating it. If you have cravings that need to be satisfied, consider opening up your relationship.

Communicate with your boyfriend. When you find yourself missing tits and vagina, tell him. Let him be a part of your whole sexuality, and give him a chance to say yes to your needs. It’s your relationship, and the two of you can set your own terms.

You’d be surprised how many guys are perfectly cool with their bi girlfriends getting a little pussy every once in a while, especially if there’s a chance they might be invited to join in the fun. It’s a classic double standard that may work in your favor here.

In the end, this isn’t about whether you confess to making out with some girl (although you probably should, and I imagine you eventually will.) Instead, this is about whether you change the fundamental nature of your relationship so that you can remain faithful to your boyfriend while still fulfilling your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with having it both ways. Whoever first said “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” was a total fucking asshole, because you can, especially when the cake we’re talking about is pussy.

On better schools.

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:45:00 -0700

My wife wants to help my step son into getting into a school thats not in our jurisdiction. shes willing to falsify paper work and say we are no longer together and that she lives in an address with her son that does qualify him to go to that school what should i tell her.

Don’t tell her anything. In fact, shut the fuck up and help her. She’s a mother willing to do whatever it takes for her child to get access to a better education. Good for her. I can’t think of a more noble reason to bend the rules.

Oh, and by the way, a jurisdiction is a sphere of authority held by a legal body such as a court or law enforcement agency. Schools have zones and districts, not jurisdictions.

Also, sentences begin with capital letters and end with punctuation.

Perhaps your wife should get you enrolled while she’s at it.

On penis size.

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:35:00 -0700

From the very beginning you’ve made yourself out to be a straight-shooter with an awesome sense of humor. So, I pose this question: How MUCH does size matter?

Ever met a donkey-cock that flopped in the sack? A tiny guy with the hands (or tongue) of a god? While a guy’s size certainly helps, would you be willing to make an exception if he had other merits?

Gentlemen, please stop assuming that the dimensions of your genitalia are in any way a direct measure of your sexual prowess. Of course size matters, but not nearly as much as porn and late night infomercials would have you believe.

This is a bell curve situation. There is an 80/20 rule at play here, with ten percent at either end representing the really big and the really small.

If you’re wondering whether you fall into either extreme, you don’t. Trust me, fellas. You would already know. Your cock is not the biggest. Your cock is not the smallest. Give or take an inch or two in width and girth, most of you are essentially sporting the same equipment.

Do you get what that means?

Let me spell it out for you: if your cock is neither freakishly big nor freakishly little, by the time we’re in a position to size you up, the proportions of your penis are quite low on the list of things upon which we judge you.

Now, if you happen to fall into the ten percent on either end of the spectrum, the same rules still apply. The bitter insecurity of a little dicked guy is far more likely to ruin the mood than the actual size of his penis, just as the supreme confidence of a big dicked guy is far more likely to impress than the extra meat he’s packing in his shorts.

And yes, we know how easy it is to manipulate you with this shit. You could be swinging eight thick inches of pipe, and we could still crush your ego with three little words, “I’ve had bigger.” Why? Because you know there are a few guys out there with nine inches. It’s fucking ridiculous.

This shit drives me crazy. Really. I can’t wait for the human condition to reach a new stage of evolution where penis size is no longer a dominant cultural motif. Ugh. It’s right up there with world peace and no religion.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

On keeping the money.

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:24:00 -0700

Coketalk! please help. The bank screwed up and I dont know if I should reap the benefits. I exchanged $1,300 US dollars into another country’s currency (cash!), BUT they have neglected to deduct it from my bank account. Its been a week now, and they still haven’t caught it. Do I keep it (I am a broke, unemployed recent graduate hoping to find work overseas) or call them and inform them of their error? I KNOW its wrong, but after 3 months of frivolous job searching, I can’t quite get myself to dial the bank’s phone number and tell ‘em whats up.

Fuck the banks. They caused this recession. You don’t owe them a god damned thing, much less a call to inform them of their error in your favor. Let those faceless corporate leviathans catch their own mistakes for a change.

Then again, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

Just let it sit there. It’s only been a week, after all. At any point in the next month, the money could simply be swept from your account and that would be that.

If the balance remains after a month, you can be pretty sure that it’s an actual error and not just slow process. Still, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

At this point, you’re dealing with a good old fashioned bank error resulting in undue enrichment. Who knows? The transaction involved foreign currency, so it may not even be your financial institution that took the hit.

If someone catches the error after a couple of months, they’ll sweep the money out of your account and you’ll probably get a letter of incident as a matter of courtesy from a low-level drone in some department of supervision. So again, don’t spend the money. It’s not yours.

Not yet.

I know, you’ve been patient. It’s been six months already, and the balance is still just sitting there. You’re 99% sure that they’ll never discover the error, and you’ve even stopped thinking of it as the bank’s money. You don’t quite feel that it’s yours, but you’re starting to think of it as a reserve fund in case of an emergency. That’s fine, but still, don’t spend the money. It’s not quite yours.

Not yet.

On my consistency.

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:43:41 -0700

I do love your posts, Coke Talk, and we’ve had a good run, but I need consistency. The only consistency you’ve shown this relationship is your lack of it. You’re just not putting your heart into this, and that doesn’t work for me. Maybe we can be friends. Have a good one.

I have an idea. Log onto PayPal and send me a large sum of money in exchange for my entertainment services. That way, you will have a legitimate excuse for talking to me like I owe you a god damned thing.

I’m serious. By all means, feel free to send me cash. Until then, however, you are cordially invited to shut the fuck up.

You see, I have a life. A ridiculous one, in fact, and it’s summertime up in this bitch. If I want to disappear for a week of tropical debauchery, then you’ll just have to wait patiently until I get back.

Please don’t ever forget that this is my hobby. I do not advertise, merchandise, or monetize this site in any way. I do it for fun. I do it because I love hearing people’s secrets, and I love talking shit.

If you don’t think my heart is in this, you know where the unfollow button is. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

On what comes next.

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:06:36 -0700

After a lifetime of feeling bummed out, I recently started taking antidepressants for some real-er reasons than that. A side effect of the medication is I never want to do coke anymore. I read about it before starting the meds and didn’t believe it was going to be true. Now I never want it and when I’m around it, the thought of doing it bores me. So, I don’t. Also, because I’m not supposed to be drinking alcohol at all, but do anyway I get drunker faster which translates to sicker quicker. Smoking pot seems to work out just fine, but then I also want to go to sleep. So, here I am, faced with the startling reality of interacting with my world with the most sober mind I’ve had in maybe 2 years or more.

I’ve been traveling this velocity for so long, moving with a familiar momentum. It’s always been weekend to weekend, party and bullshit (x9). Ebb and flow. So now I feel like WHO THE FUCK AM I NOW!??!! I almost always learned new things during hightimes that I could bring into the rest of my life and that always felt really good. I think about the life I lived between the lines and key bumps, between the joints and gin and I’m unsure which bits to retain in my sober-er life. Maybe my personality dripped out with the bloody noses or whatever. I just can’t pull my brain together about my new, 80% less hedonistic social life. Like, am I supposed to find a boyfriend or something? Put money in a savings account? Wear underwear everyday? Get places on time? What do real people do? Do these questions make me sound like research for a serial killer or what?

So, you might be thinking “Why the hell is this girl asking me about being sober?” Well, first, most people would use their judginess to congratulate me on not doing cocaine and pat themselves on the back cause their horse is so friggin high. That aint you. Also, I don’t know every thing about you or anyone else and maybe you’ve had a sober stretch and can share something insightful. In any case, my crazy brain says you’re the one to ask. I’m not asking you to tell me who I am. I’m just interested in your thoughts on this matter.

I’m freaked out by possible impending stability! What if I turn into whatever the opposite of a degenerate is?

I hate to break it to you, but you are real people. Also, don’t get ahead of yourself, stability is not impending just yet. Life has a way of making sure you earn something like that. Besides, you’re not freaked out by the impending stability. You’re freaked out by the impending boredom.

Boredom has been your deepest fear this whole goddamn time, and now that you’re checking your mirrors on all the crazy trails you blazed, you’ve come to the terrifying realization that you’re too smart to bottom out like they do on TV. Sure, you’ve got a few respectable scars, but you’ve still got all your fingers and toes. Worse than that, you’ve got your fucking brain, all of it, and that motherfucker is sharp when it pulls focus.

I know. It’s an uncomfortable sensation when you realize that your neurochemistry is finally done letting you try to annihilate it. You feed it the same old shit, and all it gives you back is static and sand.

So now what? Well, you’ll be happy to know this raw nerve phase passes into a mellow acceptance of your own imminent survival. The world becomes a place where neither underwear nor savings accounts seem ridiculous. Don’t worry, you’ll still show up late for shit, because that’s just naturally the kind of asshole you are.

Eventually, you’ll learn to do what the rest of us do to keep from pulling a front page nutty. You’ll partake in an exercise of duality. You’ll make stability your bitch. You’ll build a white picket fence around a house with whatever freaky shit you like to keep locked up in the basement. You’ll figure a way to pay the rent and keep your teeth sharp. Oh, and yes, you’ll realize that the freaky shit is a lot more fun with a partner in crime.

Again, don’t worry. Have no fear. The ebb and flow of party and bullshit doesn’t automatically get traded in for anniversaries and mortgage payments. You get to pick your own standard units of measure. That’s what you’ve earned for coming out the other side on your own terms. You can do whatever you want, because you know how to get away with it.

This whole time you thought you were broken, and it turns out you were unbreakable. You’re not a degenerate. You never were. You were just faking it, and now you don’t have any more excuses. Now go live a life less ordinary.

Oh, and if you need a kickstart, I suggest you try volunteering a couple days a week. Pick a local cause that produces tangible results and go sign up to do some good. Altruism is a squeegee for the soul, that and a little yoga, and I think you’ll have enough fresh perspective to start enjoying the possibility of whatever comes next.

Welcome to the first days of your adulthood.

On selling the ring.

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 19:46:33 -0700

I dated this guy for 9 years (engaged for the last 2). At the time he proposed, we were living in different cities because of our careers. After much deliberation, he convinced me to move to the town where he was residing. I’d be lying if I said I was excited to move to this small town, but I was in love and was excited to start my new life with my fiancé. Plus, the cost of living was significantly lower so we agreed it was more conducive to raising a family.

So I found a new job, packed up my life, and moved. Unfortunately, on day 2 of being there my fiancé informed me that he hadn’t been very honest with me about a number of things.. he had spent the money we had saved for our wedding. He spent it on partying with his friends, a country club membership, and who knows what else. Consequently, we had to cancel our wedding.

So here’s my question: do you think I should give the ring back?

On the one hand, it was his lies and wrongdoings that ended our engagement and forced us to call off the wedding so why should he be rewarded for his selfish behavior? But on the other hand, the ring has no sentimental value to me at this point and I would never wear it. Instead I would like to sell it and take the compensation to pay for my moving expenses to get out of this small town. Thoughts?

Go ahead and sell the ring, but I bet you a hot meal that it turns out to be a cubic zirconia. Even if it doesn’t, make the fucker pay for your moving expenses when you leave.

It’s one thing to uproot your life in contemplation of a marriage, but after landing in a shit pile of lies, you shouldn’t have to pick up the tab for your own cross country walk of shame.

The 2000’s were a shitty decade, and after nine years, it’s time for you to cut your losses. Wash your hands of this Bush-era boyfriend, move back to the city, and spend a year being single.

Enjoy the fresh start.

On making the best of it.

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 12:47:08 -0700

My mom found out I gave head, and is sending me to an all girls school. What do I do?

Start eating pussy.

On dating older men.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 18:02:00 -0700

What’s your opinion on relationships with older men? Particularly men 15 years older. Yeah, I really love him, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time because I’m not sure if relationships like this can actually last etc etc. I don’t know whether to follow logic or my heart. Help a girl out.

It really depends on whether you’re eighteen or thirty-eight.

If you follow the “half your age plus seven” rule, then twenty-nine is the magic age where dating a man fifteen years your senior falls into the socially acceptable range.

Then again, it’s probably not that big a deal if you’re still in your early twenties. These days, most single guys in their mid thirties are still mentally and emotionally in their early twenties, so if your man has a halfway decent case of Peter Pan syndrome, you could easily make it work.

If you love him, don’t let age get in the way. Follow your heart, babe.

On fun sized advice.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:07:11 -0700

Are you team Edward or team Jacob?
Kill yourself.

What’s the difference between a libertarian and a conservative?
A medical marijuana card.

I have a small penis. What should I do?
Stay in shape and make a lot of money.

What do you think of the Illuminati??
Oh, please. I am the fake lashes on the Eye of Providence.

Why are pro-life people being so mean and stupid?
That’s how people get when they think god is on their side.

stop answering religious questions. they make me want to punch you in the face.
Oh, hey Jesus.

Every time I drink, I want coke. Is there any remedy to this?
Yes. Coke.

Isn’t coke a bit of a waste of time?
Quit looking at your watch, asshole.

Do you believe truth is subjective?
Shut up and keep licking.

Is it true that I have cold feet because my vagina lets out all the heat?
Yes, and if you tape your vagina shut, your shoes won’t fit anymore.

Do you ever feel insecure about yourself?
Of course I do. All the time. Everyone does.

How many times should one be cheated on before leaving a relationship?
However many times your dignity will allow plus one.

You’re so full of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit but everyone buys it. Ay.
It must be difficult being so much better than everyone else.

Are you black or white?
I bet this gets Michael Jackson stuck in everyone’s head.

On ritual and tradition.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 15:41:00 -0700

I made the jump from agnostic to atheist, which I knew was going to happen, I was just afraid. My friend, who remains quasi-religious claims that I’m hypocritical and irreverent because I still go to church (Catholic) with my grandma. Do I have to write “GOD FREE” across my forehead when I’m with a 75 year old woman who wants to spend time with me? Or is it okay to grin and kneel and stand and sit for an hour and a half on a hot Sunday? I haven’t set aflame so far.

Still can’t quite shake that catholic guilt, can you?

Listen, it’s perfectly okay to indulge your grandmother by joining her for whatever silly ritual she finds comforting in her old age. It’s sweet.

Oh, and tell your friend to shut the fuck up. Hypocrisy requires pretense and irreverence requires disrespect. You are guilty of neither.

As a non-believer, there’s nothing hypocritical or irreverent about attending church or celebrating religious holidays with your family.

Family traditions are an important part of the human condition, and we’re still of a generation where many family traditions are religious in nature. That’s fine. It’s the time spent with family that’s important, after all.

Personally, I can think of lots of better places to take Gram-Gram on a Sunday morning, but if church makes her happy, I’ve had plenty of practice getting down on my knees.

On the arts.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:43:31 -0700

I’m a studio art/art history major and I’m curious about the art scene in LA. Do independent artists become successful very frequently there or is a city such as New York or Chicago more suitable to this career tract?

Plenty of independent artists become successful in Los Angeles. We call them movie stars.

If you wanna be an art star, there is only New York.

On a comeback.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 17:15:57 -0700

I’m throwing a bikini wrestling jell-o pool party in my basement after a concert next weekend. Some bra-burning bitch just left the following comment on the wall of the facebook event page: “simone be beauvoir rolling in her grave.” Give me a comeback. I’m a girl, by the way.

Reply with this:

“Oh, please. Simone de Beauvoir practically invented bikini jello wrestling. She and Sartre used to argue constantly over whether orange jello or lemon jello best represented the existential feminist aesthetic. By the way, nobody’s impressed with your summer reading list, you pretentious cunt.”

On go fuck yourself.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:44:00 -0700

I have to say I thoroughly enjoy your blog and hold the same views on almost everything you post. But I completely disagree with your last post about all pro-lifers being religious. It was utter shit. People are pro-life for many other reasons that are fuck all to do with religion. I’m an athiest but I’m also pro-life. If you think I’ve misunderstood your last post, I haven’t, I just disagree with it. I thought that you didn’t put forward a very strong argument. Please can you leave the pro-life/pro-choice talk for a while and talk about something a lot more important like how many times does a girl need to have anal sex before she actually enjoys it? or some shit…

Okay, cheap seats, let me break it down for you.

Having an opinion on my argument isn’t making a counter-argument. Either bring some substance to the table, or shut the fuck up.

Also, I don’t give a flying fetus whether you’ve misunderstood my point or just plain disagree with me, you’re still just an asshole who wants to deny women the legal right to abortion.

Oh, and I’ll write about whatever I damn well please. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m in the mood to fight today, and I’m happy to strap one on and show you exactly what it takes to enjoy anal sex, punk ass bitch.

On the religion of pro-life.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:22:45 -0700

Not all pro-lifers are religious. Why do you buy into so many stereotypes? You seem so smart otherwise.

Actually, all pro-lifers are religious. They just don’t necessarily know it.

Here, I’ll show you. Make a rational argument that does not have it’s origins in religious doctrine denying women the legal right to choose whether to terminate their pregnancy of a nonviable fetus.

You can’t do it.

The pro-life argument is a religious one, plain and simple.

Being religious has nothing to do with whether you believe in god. Hell, the churches have always been full of quiet, desperate atheists.

Being religious has to do with taking up the cause of religion, and if you are pro-life, then that’s exactly what you’re doing.

You can call deny that you’re religious all day long, but if you’re a pro-lifer, the evidence speaks for itself.

On giving for its own sake.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 13:32:50 -0700

My guy pretty much goes down on me like no tomorrow. It’s like his favorite thing to do. Am I supposed to be returning the favor? He hasn’t asked me to yet.

Come on, babe. He shouldn’t have to ask.

This isn’t about sexual quid pro quo. You don’t owe him blowjobs or anything, but still, why hold back? I say go find him wherever he is right now at this very moment, get down on those knobby knees, and give him the filthiest cock-slobbering he’s ever had in his life.

Enjoy!

On date rape denial.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 13:14:40 -0700

I was date raped by a close friend a year ago. Because I don’t display the “usual” symptoms of a rape victim, my boyfriend questions whether it actually happened. (His words, not mine.) How can I make him understand that it really did happen to me and I just don’t want to think about it?

Your boyfriend is using denial as a coping mechanism. It’s easier for him to insultingly believe that it never happened than it is for him to process the truth emotionally.

Call your boyfriend out on his denial, and tell him how insulting it is for him not to believe you. Let him know that the truth does not obligate him to act on your behalf. In other words, you’re not asking him to go confront the rapist or defend your honor. All your asking for is understanding and respect.

While we’re at it, you’ve got a little denial going on too. Date rape? You use the term as if it somehow doesn’t have all the calories of the real thing. There is no Diet Rape or Rape Lite. Sweetheart, you were raped. You need to start processing the whole truth of that as well.

On what to say.

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 20:07:29 -0700

I’m pro choice and one of my best friends is pro life. I’m fine with people having their own opinion on things but he takes his too far. He calles me a baby killer and if I ever become pregnant I’ll just abort all my babies.

He thinks he’s being funny and I’ve expressed multiple times that he isn’t but he won’t listen.

How do I get him to stop saying things like that?

Next time he mouths off, pick whichever one of these lines that feels most appropriate:

1. “According to your retarded bible logic, every time you jerk off in the shower you’re guilty of a dead baby holocaust.”

2. “Jesus would slap you like a little bitch for teasing me about abortion.”

3. “God just told me that he made your penis a little bit smaller. I didn’t even ask him to do it. God just thinks that kind of thing is hilarious.”

On vengeance upon thee.

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:41:00 -0700

I have a crazy religious nut on my hands. Every day during class, I can’t sit and go through lecture without this guy asking me if I’m worried at all about not being saved by Jesus yet or if I’m ready to embrace the fires of Hell. Now, I’m a religious person of a different faith, but I believe people should be able to practice their faith without having some douche-bag stuff it down my throat every day in class. I don’t care what the fuck you believe in, just keep it off of me and I’ll keep it off of you. Nothing with this idiot works. I’ve tried switching seats, being polite, or just plain ignoring, but he absolutely INSISTS that I convert to Christianity right then and there.

Please, please oh please, I can’t take it anymore. I’ve never even said a word to him about religion to deserve this, but he insists upon making my life Hell. How the fuck do I get him off my back? Do I just plain tell him off?

My preferred solution would be for you to mind fuck this little twerp until he swallows his own tongue. Then again, if you knew how to do that, you wouldn’t be asking for my help in the first place.

As a next best option, I recommend you consider a restraining order. He is harassing you, plain and simple. You can even make the argument that he is threatening you with bodily harm each time he mentions that you’ll burn in hell.

I’m not joking about this.

Start filling out the paperwork tonight. You don’t necessarily have to file anything with the courts, because it may be enough for you just to show the prepared documents to your professor.

First thing tomorrow, tell your professor that you’re being harassed and that you’re about to file an order of protection against this person whom you consider to be mentally unstable if not potentially dangerous. Tell him that as a religious person of a different faith, you’re being persecuted and that you consider yourself the victim of an ongoing hate crime.

Let your professor know that you expect him to deal with the problem immediately, and make a formal request that he notify the school administration on your behalf that harassment is going on in his classroom.

I promise, unless you’re at some batshit bible college, the school administration will come down on this kid so hard and fast his pointy little head will spin.

On the day they kick the fucker out of class, I highly recommend you do your best Samuel L. Jackson impersonation while quoting Ezekiel 25:17.