Dear Coquette

On fun-sized advice

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:13:00 -0700

I constantly feel it’s only a matter of time before one of us cheats. Should I just end it?
Perhaps, but ending it won’t fix your trust issues.

Why am I significantly more attracted to a guy knowing that he’s dated a fuck ton of hot chicks?
The same reason all your clothes have logos on them.

What do you say to a 26-year-old man who claims he might never be able to love again?
Say, “Lose my number, douchebag.”

Do you ever think you might be wrong?
I’m wrong all the damn time.

I feel like I’ve noticed a general trend of you being nicer in your responses? Is that purposeful?
Nope. Come to think of it, you guys have been sending much higher quality questions lately. I think we’re all growing up a little.

How far can you excuse someone’s behaviour because of the shit hand they were dealt?
That’s up to you, but remember, there’s a difference between a reason and an excuse. Just because you know the reason for someone’s behavior, that doesn’t mean you have to excuse it.

Is the G spot really a myth? I can’t cum without touching my clit.
The G spot is real. G spot orgasms are real. Don’t act like you’ve got the only vagina in the universe.

I need a verdict. Rich Manhattan moms hiring handicapped tour guides so their kids can skip lines at Disney? Douche, gauche, touche, meh…?
What a perfect metaphor for the American social class system.

How can I let go of the belief that beauty matters?
Beauty matters. Just quit letting other people tell you what’s beautiful.

On the painfully obvious

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:17:17 -0700

Hey coquette, Im just gona cut right to the chase. Im in a long distance relationship with the love of my life, he tells me he loves me too but for some reason, doesn’t trust me. What do i do? He broke up with me once because he got so paranoid he thought i was cheating on him and no matter what i say, he just doesn’t get that i would never do anything like that. Please tell me, I’m confused. I’ll accept whatever u have to say.

He’s cheating on you.

On vague existential threats

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:51:34 -0700

Every once and a while I feel this intense fear knowing the state of our environment and the imminent carbon fueled suffocation of the human race. I feel this intense sense of foreboding when I think about the future. We’re all driving our Co2 spouting automobiles headfirst in to the apocalyptic hell-scape of global warming. There’s no denying it, and even though I do my daily part to be greener, the fact remains that the sheer amount of people choosing ignorance and denial far outweigh the active. I was just thinking about how pointless all my prom photos are in the face of it all. I stress about finals while the world around me melts. Everything is pointless and I will die but how do I reconcile my fear? Not of death, but at never getting a fair shot at life?

Ugh. I know your type. You’ve decided to take your first-world free-floating anxiety and make it all about some vague yet trendy existential threat. In your case, it’s global warming. Please. Get some real problems, bitch. Either that or take a Xanax and shut the fuck up.

First of all, you have no sense of scale and you don’t know shit about climate science. Sure, global warming is a big fucking deal, and go drive a fucking Prius if it makes you feel better, but don’t act like doing your daily part to be greener makes you special in any way whatsoever.

I mean, come on. You wanna talk ignorance and denial? You’re the one who’s blatantly projecting your fear of mortality onto the fucking weather. Quit it. Life may be pointless, and you’re definitely gonna die, but in the meantime you still have to show up and be a part of this ridiculous experiment.

Put down your stupid fucking prom photos, get your shit together, and go study for your finals. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “fair shot at life.” Only a child thinks life is supposed to be fair.

On spiritual paralysis

Wed, 01 May 2013 17:53:00 -0700

Due to the fact that everything is meaningless, I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything in particular with my life. I keep myself busy by fulfilling my basic human needs of water, food, sleep, internet and weed. Outside of that, fuck all happens.

This has been made worse by learning vipassana meditation techniques. Now even my obsession with a cute stoner boy has dissolved and I am fucking bedridden with boredom. I’m not even miserable, I’m irritatingly equanimous. How can I stimulate some sort of desire to make a positive contribution to society and how do I figure out what type of contribution to make? Its really hard to make decisions when you see everything as equal measures of dark and light. I am literally just sitting here in a hotel with too much money, no responsibilities, and I am debilitatingly free. Are you looking for an assistant or know anyone that needs a blank slate to train as their slave?

By the way, I know I’m in a pretty fucking enviable situation right now, I’m not complaining. Just looking for direction.

You don’t need direction. Direction is just a path. You need purpose. Purpose is the engine that propels you down that path, and without it, you are adrift.

Of course, finding purpose is easier said than done, especially for those of us who’ve embraced the meaninglessness of existence. The trick is to never forget that meaninglessness is not the same thing as emptiness, and right now, you are confusing the two.

You are paralyzed. Not physically, but spiritually. You are consumed with emptiness and self-negation because you are only fulfilling your basic needs. Water, food, sleep, internet, and weed are just the bottom rung of Maslow’s Hierarchy, and not for nothin’, but the internet and weed aren’t necessarily helping your situation.

You’re missing out on a whole bunch of higher level stuff like love, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. That’s why Vipassana is wasted on you right now. That’s why financial independence is wasted on you right now. Pretty much everything is wasted on you right now, because you are clinically depressed.

Yes, that’s right. You can call it irritatingly equanimous or debilitatingly free, but just because you’ve got some money and little Buddhism, that doesn’t mean you’re immune from your own neurochemistry.

I know you insist that you aren’t miserable, but that’s kind of the problem. Misery would at least be an emotion, and you’re totally fucking numb. One solution is to go see a shrink and let ‘em smack you upside the head with some psychopharmaceuticals. Feel free to try that. It might very well work, but you also need to get out there and find some purpose.

Here, I’ll make it easy for you:

1. Spend half an hour a day exercising. (Break a sweat.)
2. Spend half an hour a day grooming. (Take a shower.)
3. Spend a few hours a day volunteering. (Alleviate the suffering of others in some small way.)

That’s it. That’s all you have to do for now. Making a positive contribution to society doesn’t have to be a daunting task. Don’t worry about doing anything with your life, and don’t worry about any of it meaning anything.

Just do something with your day, and the rest will work itself out in time.

On money or fame

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 10:58:57 -0700

I was given the “money or fame” question and I answered “money” in a heartbeat. My friends were a little surprised, and gave me this lecture about how money can’t buy happiness. Am I greedy? Or just a shy person who wants to buy a hover car in the future? Is there *really* no answer to that question, or is there one?

Your friends are idiots. Not only can money buy happiness, but anyone who wishes for fame is a fucking asshole.

On working on it

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 19:15:42 -0700

We’re in our early 30s and have been together for 2.5 years. When it’s good, it’s really good - we’re always laughing, talk about the future, getting married, planning a life together. But when it’s bad, it’s to the point of screaming and tears and lately, this happens on a weekly or every other week basis. How do you know whether to keep trying to make the relationship work or call it quits? I know everyone says relationships take work but how much work is too much?

You two are the reason couples counseling was invented. Find a professional, go sit down together, and develop some fresh conflict resolution and anger management skills.

That shit really works.

On ann coulter

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 12:47:00 -0700

How can I deal with the anger/frustration that Ann Coulter fills me with? Its not even when she opens her mouth to speak, its just her, she radiates hatred.

I like to think of Ann Coulter as an evil Jim Henson puppet. (I’m pretty sure she was originally a Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.)

Point is, it’s a lot easier to deal with her persona when you consider it to be a grotesque piece of fiction, rather than think of her as a black-hearted human being made entirely of cancer and bile.

I usually don’t recommend dehumanizing one’s enemies, but in her case I make an exception, because I really don’t want to have to manufacture pity for someone that consistently awful.

On boy bands

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 16:27:00 -0700

Harry Styles is in L.A. I think you should fuck him.

Please. He hasn’t even graduated from Hogwarts. Call me in a decade when he hits his Timberlake phase.

On fun-sized advice

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 12:54:00 -0700

I’m a 20-year-old atheist who wants to be more spiritual. What do I do?
Study philosophy, psychology, and comparative religion. Don’t get involved with any organization that relies on its own spiritual jargon.

Should I study fashion design, anthropology, or declare a double major?
Sure, why not? Declare a double major and make your degree twice as useless. It’s not like you have to get a job after college or anything.

I’m finishing college, and I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that college has been the most anticlimactic experience I’ve ever had.
Good. Maybe now you’ll think twice before believing in our society’s institutionalized bullshit. Enjoy your twenties.

What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
A basic understanding of gender fluidity.

Is there any REASONABLE explanation as to why a national gun registry would be so terrible?
Nope.

Are you a libertarian?
Nope.

Are you a Buddhist?
Nope.

Are you more of a nihilist or an absurdist?
An absurdist is just an nihilist with a sense of humor.

I love my partner so much it kind of sucks actually. Like I can never hang out with them for long enough, and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to stop snuggling and talking with them. It bums me out. Please advise.
You are high on a drug. Act accordingly.

What do you think of the argument that the Universe is a computer simulation? Does it matter? I find that idea sort of terrifying.
The simulation hypothesis is a metaphysical toy, but hey, any time you make a little eye contact with the abyss, it’s bound to freak you out a bit.

I’ve always wanted to lose my virginity in an orgy. Is that a spectacularly bad idea?
It’s not so much a bad idea as it is an impractical one. Losing your virginity during group sex would be one thing, but an orgy implies a certain kind of frenzied anonymity that just isn’t for beginners.

Can sex be meaningless?
I hate to break it to you, but everything is meaningless.

On dmt

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 17:28:32 -0700

I’ve already had some profound revelations that will stay with me for the rest of my life from two acid trips and I will be doing many more. I know a guy who is making DMT as I type this, and I want to try smoking it. What are your thoughts on the drug?

If acid is like spending an afternoon splashing around in a swimming pool, then DMT is like plunging to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and then floating back up to the surface.

Smoke in a safe, silent space with someone who’s been there before and knows what they’re doing. Go into it with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t treat it as recreation. Treat it as exploration.

On the real thing

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:32:00 -0700

How do I keep myself from feeling jaded and bitter that I’ve never found anything more than the kind of sex for sale on TV?

The whole reason they’re selling that kind of sex on TV is so they can make you feel jaded and bitter about your sexuality. That’s how they get you to buy all the other silly plastic things.

Stop letting consumer culture define sex for you. You’ve never found anything more than the kind of sex for sale on TV because you haven’t even stopped to examine for yourself what the real thing might be like.

It’s up to you to figure it out. It requires self-exploration and probably a little experimentation. You have to relentlessly ask yourself “Why?” You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to connect with another human being on terms that you define by and for yourself.

That’s the thrilling part, the connection. I’m not talking about love. Hell, I’m not even talking about chemistry. I’m talking about a mutual and momentary annihilation of the ego through a sexual act. It’s some spiritual shit. The sex itself is almost incidental, and that’s kind of the point.

How you go about finding it is your own thing, but you have to be willing to fucking look for it. You have to recognize that it’s an internal quest. Those are never easy, and while it might occasionally leave you confused and frustrated, at least it won’t leave you jaded and bitter.

On simple math

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:09:00 -0700

I just saw this pop up on facebook and I’m curious about what you’d say to this:

“In all of my research on the subject of gay marriage here are the indisputable facts. All but 1 of the major religions around the globe do not condone homosexual marriage and all but 2 find it insulting. As of July 2012 that accounts for roughly 66% of the worlds population. 2/3rds of the people on the planet find it insulting for homosexuals to be married. While the homosexual, bisexual, and transgender population of the united states is estimated at only 3.8% or 9 million which out of the total population of the world comes out to be .13%. .13% wants to have their voice heard over 66%. Remember these are indisputable facts so before anyone tries to make a biased opinionated comment let me remind you that nothing in this statement, according to valid sources, is incorrect. Let math speak for this not bitter words.”

First of all, this isn’t math. This is number salad, and the idiot who tossed it together doesn’t understand statistics or the meaning of the word indisputable.

I’m willing to grant that most of the world’s major religions have fucked up opinions about gay marriage, but it takes a rambling mess of logical fallacies to conclude that 66% of the people on the planet find gay marriage insulting due to the institutionalized ignorance of their respective religions.

I have more faith in humanity than that, but hey, just for the sake of argument, let’s say that 66% of the people on the planet really are against gay marriage. So fucking what? All that means is 66% of the people are 100% wrong.

See? Simple math. So simple that the percentage of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender doesn’t factor into this moral equation at all. For the record, it’s definitely higher than 3.8%, but even if it was .001%, it wouldn’t matter in the least.

You don’t get to deny people their civil liberties just because they’re in the minority. Everyone deserves equal rights under the law, and everyone else’s stupid religion can just step the fuck off.

On fun sized advice

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 09:37:00 -0700

Is sex overrated?
The kind for sale on TV is overrated, but the real thing is pretty fucking great.

I’ve never been broken up with. I’ve ended the few serious relationships I’ve been in. This bothers me, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that you don’t know whether you’ve ever really been in love.

After seeing that video of amanda bynes, you still don`t think she’s trying to pull some Joaquin Phoenix ‘I’m still here” type shit? It just seemed way too theatrical and ridiculous.
Who gives a fuck? Amanda Bynes could announce tomorrow that her twitter account is a poetic contemplation of Baudrillard’s Precession of Simulacra, and I still wouldn’t be impressed with her ratchet ass bullshit.

Do you still believe in gender roles? How do you define “manhood”?
Manhood is the state of being an adult male. Anything more specific than that is a matter of culture, and I don’t particularly care to define it. As for gender roles, yes, I believe they still exist.

Should I tell my ex I cheated on him a year ago? I know I’m a piece of shit.
If it would hurt him, don’t do it. You don’t get to confess at his expense.

Why were the 90s so much better?
They weren’t. Not at all. Neither were the 70s or the 50s. Certain aspects of culture are just cyclical, and this is when a few wet chunks of the 90s will come gurgling back up the drain.

Should the federal drinking age be lowered?
Federally? There should be no drinking age.

I really like fucking gender A but am dating someone of gender B, whom I also enjoy fucking. If I exclusively commit to/marry/make adorable babies with said B-gendered person, will I always miss gender A sex?
Yep. You’ll always miss gender A sex. Eventually, you’ll also miss gender B sex with someone other than your exclusive B-gendered partner. Sorry, babe. Monogamy is twice as hard when you’re bisexual.

Do periods and commas go inside or outside quotation marks?
Inside.

Your slab serif font is cute, but a little “so two years ago.”
A passive aggressive graphic designer? Cute. Fred Armisen could play you in a Portlandia sketch or something.

On the bombings

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:05:32 -0700

I live in Boston. What’s the best way to deal with my anger?
Recognize it. Sit down next to your anger and just fucking recognize that shit, but whatever you do, don’t take it out on people. It’s there, and it’s justified, but it’s not to be inflicted on others.

WHY do people only care about the explosions that occur in America and not explosions that America causes?
It’s a phenomenon known as selective empathy made worse by a nasty case of American exceptionalism. Don’t let it make you angry, especially not right now. You would be wise not to inject your personal politics into conversations about Boston.

What the fuck do we do when the world just keeps getting scarier and scarier?
The world isn’t getting scarier. You’re just a bit scared. It’s an understandable reaction, but don’t let fear take root in your head.

I was there. I saw the explosions, and now I don’t know what to do.
You’ll be okay. The shock is starting to wear off, and you’re gonna be left with some intense emotions. Give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s all perfectly normal.

On three responses

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 18:54:37 -0700

How do I respond to the assertion that I “shouldn’t advertise what’s not for sale” with my choice of dress?

Response #1 (The High Road): “It’s insulting to imply that my sexuality is for sale, and it’s disrespectful to make comments that commodify my body.”

Response #2 (The Middle Road): “How I dress is none of your business.”

Response #3 (The Low Road): “You wish you had these tits.”

On fun-sized advice

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 11:06:22 -0700

Are drugs bad?
Nope. Addiction is bad. Human weakness is bad, but drugs are just a bunch of chemicals, and chemicals are morally inert.

Is Amanda Bynes just playing a huge joke on everyone?
She’s fucking around a little, poking the celebrity machine with a stick during her free-fall into obscurity, but don’t confuse her twitter account with performance art. Amanda Bynes is no Andy Kaufman.

Sometimes casual sex makes me feel powerful and sometimes it makes me feel hollow. What’s up with that?
It’s not the sex. It’s whether your expectations meet with reality.

What’s the best way to form an opinion on something?
With as little ignorance and as much rationality as possible.

Can you love (romantically) two people at once?
Sure. Happens all the time. It rarely ends well, but hey, good luck.

Are you afraid of being in love with someone?
Nope. I’m much more afraid of someone being in love with me.

I need ideas for dirty talk in the bedroom. I’m not into ‘slut’, but ‘that feels so fuckin’ good’ is just getting old…
The trick to dirty talk is using the second person imperative mood to describe the physical action as it’s taking place in the moment. When in doubt, just fall back on basic “verb (suck, lick, fuck) that adjective (hard, wet, hot) noun (cock, pussy, ass)” sentence structure.

Is it OK for me to send a mean-spirited text message to my husband’s ex-girlfriend who still pursues him (not a real threat because he’s not interested)? On one hand it would feel kind of shitty, but it also seems like it would be satisfying.
I feel sorry for your husband.

I keep typing Deaf Coquette.
Use your middle finger.

On boobs versus rubes

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 15:06:00 -0700

What do you think of the “topless jihad” protests FEMEN is doing in order to try and “save” Muslim women from their hijab/niqaab etc?

You’re missing the point. FEMEN activists aren’t trying to save Muslim women from their traditional dress. They’re trying to provoke a response through disruptive activism, and they’re doing a damn good job.

You have to understand, this is what radicals and reactionaries do. In this case, the radicals are breast-baring feminists and the reactionaries are fatwa-issuing muslims. It’s Boobs versus Rubes in an international, counter-cultural game of shirts and skins.

The radicals cry out against the systematic oppression and institutionalized subjugation of women through religious patriarchy. They deliberately provoke and offend through staged demonstrations in the hopes that the reactionaries will live up to their name and react.

Right on cue, the pseudo-intellectual reactionaries cry western imperialism and hurl accusations of Islamophobia while the fundamentalist reactionaries cry blasphemy and hurl stones.

It’s really quite fun to watch everyone pick sides, especially the socially conscious cultural relativists whose pointy little heads are about to explode from all the cognitive dissonance.

Obviously, I’m rooting for team FEMEN. Duh. Boobs are awesome and organized religion is evil, but it doesn’t even matter how the rest of this game plays out, because as is always the case, the radicals automatically win just by getting the reactionaries to show up and open their stupid mouths.

On justice versus order

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 11:32:22 -0700

What would you have as an alternative to the police? Do you think there’s a way to keep people from breaking laws without having a state monopoly on violence?

Don’t be ridiculous. The state’s monopoly on violence doesn’t keep people from breaking the law any more than the church’s monopoly on damnation keeps people from living in sin.

Let’s be clear about the real problem: Our laws don’t exist to maintain justice. Our laws exists to maintain order on behalf of a ruling class. The criminal justice system is a means of social control. Justice may occasionally be served, but it’s incidental and never at the expense of order.

Fundamentally, the police aren’t even the issue. It’s the laws themselves, specifically the ones that do nothing more than criminalize socially unacceptable behavior. The crown jewel in this argument is the war on drugs, but things have gotten so ridiculously out of hand that in this supposedly free country of ours, even the size of your sugary soda is up for regulation.

I don’t necessarily need an alternative to the police. I just want an alternative to their de facto purpose. Emergency first responders and criminal investigators are vital roles in a functioning society, but when police officers spend the majority of their time selectively enforcing victimless vice and public-order law, that’s when they start earning their reputation as jack-booted thugs in service of an Orwellian regime.

On three assholes

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 09:35:00 -0700

What are your thoughts on the new Pope? Is his humbleness just some marketing strategy from the Vatican?

Displays of piety are always a marketing strategy, and let’s not forget that this asshole considers himself to be the infallible voice of god on earth. If you’re impressed just because he doesn’t wear the shiny red shoes, you seriously need to adjust your definition of humble.

My favorite movie is Roman Polanski’s Cul-de-Sac, a fact which shocked my boyfriend, who said that he refuses to watch any Polanski film because of the rape charges. So, Coquette, can you separate the art from the artist?

Of course. One can and should separate the art from the artist. That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pretentious douche with horrible taste in movies.

I can’t get across my college campus without some mouthbreather hassling me about going to church. I usually smile and say no thanks but it’s getting harder. Should I just tell them what I really think sometimes? I’m a very stringent atheist who feels that abrahamic religions do far more bad than good. Or should I just find new ways to keep my cool?

Moments like that are a golden opportunity to practice the art of keeping cool while looking someone dead in the eye and telling them to fuck off.

On new drugs and an old hippie

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:23:43 -0700

My uncle was a member of the original free-loving, Vietnam War-protesting, acid-taking hippie movement. Though he used to be an avid drug user, he told me he would never take the drugs being sold now because of how synthetic they are and all of the extra ingredients in them, making them more dangerous. I thought this was an interesting point, but at the same time our food has evolved in the same way, carrying many more insecticides and other chemicals than are on the labe

So Coquette, what is your opinion on the evolution of drugs and their safety now?

Oh, please. Drugs have always been dangerous. There have always been adulterants. There have always been impurities. LSD isn’t any more synthetic now than it was in the 60s, and I’ll take the Pepsi challenge with your uncle’s Woodstock biker crank and Mexican ditch weed any day of the fucking week. Those filthy hippies should have been so lucky as to have readily available ecstasy and today’s refined strains of pharmaceutical grade marijuana.

Every generation has its drug warriors, and as with every subculture, the old-school old-timers will always have shit to talk about the new kids on the block. Your uncle might be saying that his drugs were more chemically pure, but what he’s really trying to sell you is that his drugs were somehow more ideologically pure.

He’s making an emotional argument masked as a scientific one, and it’s uncut hippie bullshit. If your uncle doesn’t want to partake in better living through chemistry, that’s his business, but unless he’s got a gas chromatograph in his tool shed, he’s just talking out of his ass.