Dear Klint...

Update.

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:33:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

As you may or may not have noticed, Dear Klint has been quite inactive. I apologize to everyone who enjoyed the blog. I truly enjoyed doing it, but have decided to place Dear Klint on official indefinite hiatus. Hopefully there's enough pearls of wisdom contained in these posts so you mouthbreathers can figure out your own problems.

That said, I have begun a new intellectual journey, which just so conveniently happens to have taken place in blog form. My good friend Patrick and I have started a collaborative effort entitled Learned Men. If you enjoy my writing style and have a thirst for the academic, I know you'll enjoy it.

Sincerely,
Klint

Failure Face

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I am a 19 year old guy who has nothing but the worst of luck when it comes to finding a female to date,hook up with or get laid. I'm your typical dorky hardcore pun rock kid but on top of that I do have a weight issue which obviously plays a large factor in my unsuccessful love life.I honestly have never had a date, or kissed a girl and have been rejected countless times by numerous girl over the years. The last girl I tried to get with, I really liked, and for over a month from when we first met we texted eachother eevryday and talked, and hung out, but then when it came to tell her I liked her, it turned out she liked one of my acquaintance who i introduced her to. It really bummed me out and knocked me down a few pegs that thought I had overcome. I go to community college and my classes are full of dudes. I don't even know where to look for girls or how to even approach them. What can you suggest?

Sincerely,
Failure Face

Dear Failure Face,

To start, I wouldn't broadcast the fact that you've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl before. It makes you look like damaged goods. There clearly has to be a reason why you're having no luck with women, and I'm sure it's not your weight or personality. If a Juggalo or wigger can have intercourse, anyone can. As easy as it is to blame your size, it's actually your attitude that makes you undateable.

All it really takes to get knuckle depth into a lady of your choosing is a bit of confidence. A sense of humor doesn't hurt, either. Funny guys get girls no matter what they look like. I'll simplify things even further and break this into a single DO and a single DON'T.

DO show some initiative. Start conversations, make moves, and don't dwell and wait for her to do all the work. Contrary to what you might think, as long as you're not drooling on their tits and you can say something even vaguely interesting or funny, most women don't mind being approached. Just be polite, and if they're not interested, they'll return the favor. Which brings me to my next point...

DON'T be a brooding pervert. You'd expect this to be common sense, but human action has proved otherwise. Don't stare at a girl for forty minutes before you talk to her. Don't go up to her visibly aroused. And worst of all, don't creep around a girl all night, not say a word to her, and then try to add her on some sort of social networking site. Nothing is a bigger turn off than a potential rapist.

If you're as much of a slob as you say you are, you'll probably strike out a few times before you get on base, but don't give up. Just talking to girls and not making any sort of "moves" on them should get you more comfortable and confident around them. As for where to find them? Women have all the same rights and obligations as men nowadays, so you can meet them at places of business, public parks, and nearly anywhere else you might find yourself. I've heard bars and coffee shops are popular, maybe even those punk rock shows you attend. Women also won the right to suffrage in 1920, so you can try polling places during the upcoming election. The sky is really the limit here.

Sincerely,
Klint

Over It.

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:13:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I think I might have a problem. Lately I've been bored stiff with the whole "dating world." Everything tends to end horribly and people put so much effort into (what seems like) their own demise. Now I guess I'm being a bit pessimistic (I like to think realistic) but I just have no desire to date. I would much rather spend all of my time and money on things worthwhile (guitars and gear, my education, etc). In this world where constant stress is put on interactions between men and women or same sex interactions (gotta stay politically correct), is it ok to just reject all of those notions?

Sincerely,
Over It

Dear Over It,

Generally speaking, it's perfectly normal to be disinterested in dating for spans of time, especially when you're absorbed in other interests. This is how Joe Sixpack and hockey moms all across this great nation buckle down and concentrate on meaningful endeavors.

While this may be a significant portion of your particular predicament, I'm sure it doesn't end there. It could be that you're a patient person with goals who knows what they want in life and love, and you're just waiting for the right time and right person and not particularly worried about much in the meantime. But, that would make you rational and rational people don't tend to ask me for advice.

You more than likely have a grossly inflated idea of who you "are" and what you "deserve," so allow me to knock you down a few pegs. When you put your education on par with the acquisition of material goods, whether it be guitars, bicycles or god forsaken Beanie Babies, it's usually a clear indication of some type of personal defect. You're just projecting some sort of delusion onto your life, and your disinterest in dating is the end result of failure drugging and date raping revisionist history. And like a Catholic woman carrying a kid with spina bifida, you're stuck with this one until you wise up and dump your antiquated world view.

Being anti-dating is just as asinine as jumping from one relationship to the next. Meeting people is the worst possible combination of chance and circumstance, and always being able to reasonably evaluate someone's personal worth and physical appeal will keep you from missing opportunities and making grievous errors in judgement.

Sincerely,
Klint

Miss me?

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:30:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

I know, I haven't updated in a few months. I'm sorry. Everywhere I go, someone tells me they love the blog and ask why I haven't updated it. Tour is part of it, sure. Personal sloth helps, too.

The biggest reason? I ended up with a girlfriend. And giving others advice on how to fix your relationships while I was having a shitty shit time with my own was very "do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do." But, I really don't have to justify myself to you. A man does what he wants, a bitch does what he can.

The point is, I'm back. I still have every question ever submitted to me, and I'll try to get around to answering them eventually, but I really hope all of you chuds figured those problems out on your own. If not, you must need me more than I thought you did. New material is also quite inspiring, so let's do this together.

As always, send your questions to dearklint@gmail.com. They'll be handled anonymously and in a timely fashion. Unless they're terrible, which is a distinct possibility considering some of my previous submissions.

In the meantime, you can read an interview I did for Brian Murphy at How's Your Edge here and prepare yourself to revel in the glory of a fresh start.

Sincerely,
Klint

Bernie Useless

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:30:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I am recently engaged to a girl I am very much in love with. She makes four times as much money as I do and is very smart and beautiful. But. Everyday for the past month or so it seems that she is aggravated with me because no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not in school, but work close to full time hours, which gives me two or three days off per week. I never have enough money and am looking for a new job, but I'm kind of stuck because the job I have now will be very flexible with my hours when I begin school in the fall. Which brings up another "but", I can't do anything with schooling until I receive my corrected transcript from my previous school. She thinks that I'm being lazy and wasting my time off, although sometimes, as with anyone, I like to enjoy my days off by doing absolutely nothing. I do however clean the apartment quite often, I've painted twice because the first time the color wasn't right, eventhough it's what she picked out. So I went back to the hardware store, picked another color which was closer to what she wanted, and it came out wrong. She wasn't happy about that either. What I'm getting at is that I don't have an immense amount of control over what's going on in my life because it concerns so many different things. My fiance doesn't understand, regardless of my attempts at explaining myself, I always tend to come out looking like I've done absolutely nothing with my time, when in reality I am trying to do what I can to make life better for her and myself. So my question for you would be how can I do a better job of making my time look as useful as it really is and not appear so completely inept at getting things done?

Sincerely,

Bernie Useless

Dear Bernie,

Your problem isn't that you don't do enough with your time, because by some metrics, you're probably doing way too much. The blame rests solely on the shoulders of your chosen mate. She's smart, motivated, and independent. I'm sure the bulk of her time is spent multitasking a a large set of productive ativities, like listening to books on tape and doing her taxes while on the eliptical machine. Or cooking on the toilet. She gets things done her way, and has tons of results to back that up. You, on the other hand, don't.

That's fine. As a man of leisure myself, I know what it's like to be looked down upon by the young go-getters of this world. I can also sympathize with having your personality clash with a more intensely driven woman. Sadly, you're engaged to this one, so you're in it for the long haul. Just rolling over and doing whatever she wants you to won't get her off your ass, and you wouldn't leave her regardless of what I told you, so we'll have to find you another way. Luckily, I have something no gambler's ever had before: a system.

As it turns out, you do way more shit than she ever notices. Unfortunately, she's fixated on you not working enough and not being in school. So what do you do? Tell her you're going to get organized and make better use of your time. This will impress her. Essentially what you're going to be doing is creating daily to do lists and schedules for yourself. Mac users can try iCal, though I've heard good things about Google Calendar. Even just a pen and paper or a cheap notebook will work well enough.

Now, write down everything you want to get done in a day. Don't be afraid to include things like "shower" or "read the paper." You're not looking for quality of activity, you're looking for quantity. As the day progresses, cross things off your list as you do them, and tack on all the other things you do. When she gets home from being an adult, you now have a list of all the things you achieved that day, plus all the additional things you were able to get done.

Schedule every stupid thing you do. Good timesinks include "updating your résumé" or "reading." She's on your ass about getting that transcript? Tell her you placed some follow up calls to make sure the wheels were still turning. After you finish updating that résumé of yours, tell her that you spent an hour or two every day sending it out to people looking for side work. You went to 7-11 to get a Slurpee? Grab a loaf of bread and mark it down as "grocery shopping." The sky is really the limit, and don't be afraid to include a healthy amount of bullshit.

Listen very carefully: The most important thing is to not specifically show her your schedules, upcoming appointments and to do lists. You'll be excited to throw the fact that you're not some DeVry drop out who sits on the couch watching court shows all day in her face. Resist this urge. Once you've told her you're going to be getting more organized and trying to accomplish things, don't make mention of it again. Just do it, and make sure to leave the lists and calendars in visible places. Maybe stay logged into your Google Calendar so she can see that tomorrow you've set aside time to exercise, clean your apartment, and fix your bike. This way it seems like a far more genuine effort on your part, as opposed to the thinly veiled ruse it actually is.

Using this system to actually achieve goals is beyond the scope of this post, so how much you decide to actually get done is totally up to you. If she confronts you about being useless, act offended, and reference past calendars to show her that you have, in fact, been "getting things done." The intent should be enough to get her off your back until you're done ~~wasting~~ enjoying your summer and start actually doing stuff in the fall.

Sincerely,
Klint

Wonder

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Tue, 27 May 2008 17:30:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I had recently been dating someone for a while, however, that person turned out to be a complete ignoble piece of shit (and I don't use that term lightly) and total waste of my time.

I recognize all of that.... I know that it's their loss and that I definitely don't deserve their lies and bullshit. I'm emotionally stable and I don't need anyone as a crutch to make my life feel "whole".

Life goes on and that's that.

Anyway, after this mess had all happened, I started talking to their roommate (who I always found awesome and super attractive) more and more. We share the same interests, enjoy doing a lot of similar things, and it just seems like we can relate to each other really well. Not to mention they also had been talking to me about breaking up with their significant other. ....Now, I'm pretty sure you can already guess where I'm going to go here. But, even despite all of the shitty things this person I was dating did, I'm still not the vindictive or malicious type. I'm not into the "dating someone to get back at someone else" thing, and I don't want to cause any turmoil or awkwardness between friends/roommates.... but I DO definitely want to attempt to go on a date with this person before they're seeing somebody else and the opportunity passes and my open window closes. I'm afraid that if I mention something about it, they'll just think I'm trying to get back at the person I was dating. That's not the case, though. Should I even say anything at all? I don't want to make things awkward between this person and me, but I don't want to let this opportunity slip by me and be kicking myself for it in the future. Your recommendation?

Thanks,
- Wonder

Dear Wonder,

If you're interested in and attracted to this guy, and the feeling is mutual, then go for it. If his roommate who you previously dated was more of a gentleman and you parted ways amicably, then I'd advise you to seek permission from him. Judging by what you've said, that's not the case, so fuck it. You're not obligated to respect his wishes anymore, so if you're sure about this one, feel free to let this new guy diddle your twat on your ex's bed or whatever else. You don't owe him anything.

That said, be wary of the roommate. He's coming off a relationship, so watch for him to dig you out and kick you out. Also, they say birds of a feather flock together, so don't be surprised if he's just as scummy as the guy who already shit on your feelings. Everyone seems great when you first meet them, it just takes a varying amount of time to figure out that they're an awful person, a rapist, or some undesirable combination thereof.

Worst case scenario, you could end up face down on a coffee table with your sub-abdominal smelly output and self-lubricating input filled by your ex and his roommate, respectively. Or that could be the best case scenario, depending on your personal body image and emotional state.

Sincerely,
Klint

Miss Andric

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 26 May 2008 18:20:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I have a straight up simple question for you, why is it that men are attracted to and cater to the lowest common denominator? This is a conundrum that has addled me quite sometime now. When I see men with so much potential for greatness lower themselves to inadequate women it's quite perplexing to me. I do not understand the gravitation towards marginally attractive, ironically tragic individuals. Have women like Hilary Clinton, perhaps even in the other extreme, Ann Coulter ruined it for us? Us being the educated, independent, strong willed and actually use their cognitive thinking processes to get through life. In no way am I comparing myself to Hilary Clinton or Ann Coulter because they're beasts in their own respect, ha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that why are men so intimidated by women who are in the higher strata of society and class?

When you see the painfully banal on reality television or witness the disgustingly asinine behaviors seen amongst the rabble, you would think a person, whether it be man or woman, would try to rise above that and do better for themselves. Herein lies the irony, they too become one of the herd. I'm thinking maybe since it has become such commonplace, it just has become socially accepted... as we're fucking living in the Twilight Zone. Perhaps there is a rip in the space time continuum and we're living in an alternate reality... Back to the Future style.

Then when men realize their erroneous actions in hindsight, then they're not even worth being with anymore. They have become like the women you have made fun of in your previous posts. Used, unlovable and no self respecting woman would ever touch them. Not to mention they probably have been through a few rounds of Syphilis and their once glorious fuckstick is now the equivalence of Hormel corned beef, or dare I say... SPAM! Gross, I just retched in my mouth a little.

Not to sound completely misandric, I see there are men that do try and I'm not trying to completely discredit that. Really though, lets understand and grasp mechanism of the beast. Yes, the ambitions are good, but ambition without capacity is pathetic. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. ;)

Of course, this doesn't even exclusively apply to the hardcore scene, but in general. You see men digress horribly, as we've seen with politicians who are involved with prostitution rings. I'm really head over fucking heels ecstatic to know that our tax dollars that bankroll their paycheck are going to home wreckers and cheap women, and I don't mean that in the monetary value, but their innate value. Anyway, I am to the point where asexuality seems like a feasible option. There's no emotional investment, and unlike the other degenerates, I won't be taking antibiotics for a STD that is ravaging my reproductive organs.

Maybe that's my "failure" in life. My arrogance and ego precede me, and that I am too aware of my intrinsic worth. I guess I can't help feeling the slight bit of elitism coming from a shitty childhood, working myself to death for everything I own as well as being educated at one of the best universities on the East Coast. I'm sorry, I just can't "compete" with someone that is on the stripper pole or takes it up the ass on camera. Sorry, I don't have a Valtrex prescription? Sorry, that fucking me isn't like throwing a plastic straw into the Grand Canyon? Sorry, that my asshole and vagina haven't been ripped into one gaping abyss. Sorry, I don't have a Pez dispenser of Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Paxil just to saunter through life as a barely functioning corpse. Again, how I hold myself is way beyond the paltry and tawdry dregs of society.

Before you question or perhaps even attack my sexuality, by no means am I a prude either. The select few men, and I stress select few, that I have let enter my orifices have had one hell of a time with me. So that is hardly even the concern. It's the emotional intimacy that I struggle and have a perpetual challenge with. Maybe I am just too intense and overwhelming for someone to take in and absorb.

Oh and on the final note: I've noticed a trend of you and your readers for "calling out girls" on being clingy. That's hardly the case for me. I just want answers and possibly a resolution to is what a seemingly inexplicable situation. I have a career that I am very focused on. It's the number one in my life, and my devotion to it is unyielding. However, there are times when would totally enjoy someone's company. I'm not going to lie... the path to my heart is paved in eating Italian food and watching meaningful and substantial movies like Papillion, The Last King of Scotland, Thank You For Smoking and No Country For Old Men. Going to see At the Gates in New York City would be the ideal date for me. You know, as much as I've tried to resist the status quo and convince myself that being a completely autonomous being is a reasonable way to live, I've just succumbed to the fact that we need a person that we can connect with on a much more cerebral level. That realization was half the battle, now the other half of the battle is trying to find someone who isn't looking to bury it in some waitress at Johnny Rockets at the mall or the stripper named "Diamond Sparkle" at the local joint.

So sir, do you have answers for these pressing concerns and questions?

Best regards,
Miss Andric.<3

Dear Miss,

There's tons of reasons that men will lower themselves to dealing with bottom of the barrel women. Sometimes they're dumb as rocks, but stupefyingly hot. Sometimes they're less of a hassle. And sometimes, a man just wants to probe the uterine lining with the least amount of resistance possible. There's something quite different going on in your case, though.

Obviously, you think very highly of yourself. Confidence is sexy, for sure, but you write with a rambling "pat yourself on the back" sort of style that hints at a deeper problem. You think too highly of yourself. What you view as guys pandering to the simplest and loosest of women is actually just them refusing to put up with your crap. I'm sure they're just trying to spend time around people who try to make them happy as opposed to people who desperately try to make them feel stupid. Emphasis on "desperately." It's not that you're intimidating, it's just that you're not worth the effort.

The old adage is 10s go with 10s, and at this point, you're only reaping what you sow. You have the attitude of a woman who resides in an ivory tower with a peck of pine cones shoehorned in her twat. You ask to connect on a more cerebral level, yet the path to your heart is only paved in irony and faux-intellectual endeavors. You like the sorts of things that people who want to appear smart enjoy, as opposed to the sorts of things that people who are actually smart enjoy.

Put down your copy of Gravity's Rainbow, stop getting your news from The Daily Show and just ease back. The way you're acting now isn't going to put you in any kind of healthy give-and-take relationship. The best you can really hope for is one of those weak willed, spineless, chubby chaser types. You know, the sort of broken man that you have to bully into loving you. If you're even half the catch that you think you are, start acting like it and I'm sure men will be beating down your door. You don't have to compromise who you are one bit, just stop being such a shitass.

Sincerely,
Klint

Too hXc for lovin?

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:58:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I believe I'm kind of in a unique position so you seemed like the right person to get advice from. I go to a very preppy and frat style university in a college town which you could more than likely attest is not hardcore hot spot. However I would consider hardcore music truly a passion in my life and one were I try to take its core message to heart and live by. I also love being social, going to games, partying, and meeting girls. I think personally i've got a good grip on both worlds. The problem lies here: every time I start to date a girl and it gets to the point were you start to learn all about the other person they freak out when they come to one of my shows or I leave bracewar on in my car. I was flirting with this really cute girl in my semantics's class, she would flirt back we saw each other at a couple parties and one day I wore my Integrity shirt (the one with charles manson on the front)and she freaked out when I gave her more detail. These girls aren't like crying rape or anything but none the less they are pretty much like "oh thats kind of weird," and in todays dating scene thats all these girls need to not talk to you anymore. What should I do, If I blow off bringing up something that is really important to me than I would just be a hypocrite and don't want give up something just for the doombox. But on the other hand I don't want to alienate myself either. Is my case illegitimate, can I serve both masters? I know its easy to say "Eh screw those girls who don't like your music," but i feel like I'm in a schism.

cant wait to mosh for ya,
Too hXc for lovin

Dear Too hXc,

Your dilemma is a common one, especially considering my background and friend base. I too enjoy hardcore music and have dabbled in dating normal women. You need to understand how your interests and activities appear to the normal girl, and how that relates to potentially dating them. To start, we're going to divide the world into two very broad categories: normal and subculture. Subculture people are anyone who's way too into anything your average person doesn't have a working knowledge of, be it independent rock, fetish parties, LARPing, or whatever. Normals are everyone else.

In the world of dating, there exist unspoken anti-miscegenation laws regarding the two groups. Normals pair up because of the inherent simplicity, and subculture folks form pacts based off of a mutual tolerance for other's useless obsession. Crossovers between the two aren't uncommon, but they need to be addressed properly. The way you treat your interest like a dirty secret isn't helping you make the jump to normal girls. On the subculture spectrum, being into hardcore isn't terribly weird, but when you try to cover it up and act ashamed, it makes you look like a pederast who just got caught tongue deep in a nine year old.

Think about this: What's worse, telling your best friend you're attracted to older women, or him walking in on you masturbating to reruns of The Golden Girls with a thumb in your anus? No one likes having a bomb dropped on them, and that's exactly what you're doing with these girls. Tell them you enjoy punk and going to see live music like it's no big deal. Then, it won't become one. When you're cool, confident and up front about your interests and activities, they don't throw off red flags. Dwelling on differences puts up barriers between you two, and you need to break down the walls that are separating you and her uterine lining.

Now this all presupposes that you're not some undateable pervert and/or the girls you're trying to dig out aren't wholly shallow and half retarded. That's why it's important to be careful of the quality of woman you try and bed. Otherwise, you run the risk of ending up in a relationship based solely on novelty. You don't particularly strike me as the MENSA type, so just make sure to not set your sights too high or too low. Confirm that you have mutual interests besides sleep and intercourse, and you should be alright. And if all else fails and you strike out in the quad, a visible tattoo is your free pass inside of anything that shops at Torrid.

Sincerely,
Klint

Unwanted Office Attention

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:27:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

The situation below has become a very undesirable and I'm not surewhat to do. Please help!

I work with a close friend of mine, let's call her "Shannon." Shannon and I work with this older man, he's quite educated and holds a senior level position. Mostly he's pretty geeky, but we both always thought he was cool enough in a work related way. It was easy enough to gripe with him about work situations and we both felt we could talk to him about some pop culture topics like music, television programming and whatnot.

In the past few weeks he's started contacting me more and more about matters that don't pertain to work. At first under the guise of wanting to send me a YouTube video or something to my personal email account. Then he made me a mix CD and earlier this week he asked me to get coffee. I wasn't sure what to do, it seemed odd to say no entirely so I had Shannon come with me. At first I wanted to believe that it wasn't anything untoward. I have a boyfriend and he is well aware of that. However, we had a business meeting that day and afterwards he told me what amounted to a loosely veiled attempt to explain why he prefers me over Shannon, though there was some original interest there. Wha???? You can't do that. I mean nobody should be allowed to have an office crush on me and/or my friend and tell me about it right?

I didn't listen to the mix CD until a few minutes ago... but I scanned through it to find it ends in a trio of creepy, (not to mention pretty horrendous) love ballads.

I'm planning on leaving the company soon and I had been intending to use him as a reference because I thought we were friends and colleagues, nothing more. I'm not sure how to stop the escalation of this very uncomfortable situation. I'm not good at confronting people. On one hand I still need to work with him and I was hoping to just ignore the whole thing. On the other hand I'm pretty incensed that he's making things so awkward and uneasy. Originally I thought he was just dorky and didn't realize what he was doing, but I'm beginning to think he's pretty aware and I find that upsetting.

In addition to being a very humorous man, you're also very wise. I hope you can help.

Sincerely,
Unwanted Office Attention

Dear Unwanted,

You're clearly dealing with a person who has no idea how to interact with human beings. He has no concept of what an interpersonal relationship should be like, so he doesn't know what unspoken boundaries exist. If you asked him about traditional lighthouse keeping, he'd probably have an hour long discourse on the switch from whale oil to kerosene, but inquiring about the number of women he's been with will be met with a blank stare. He's entirely convinced what he's doing is "winning you over," when all he's really doing is building a solid case for a restraining order. If he spent less time at Magic: The Gathering tournaments and more time on planet Earth, he'd have a firmer grasp on a simpler way to get inside you.

You have a very straightforward choice in front of you. Do you want a good reference for your next job, or do you want to make the last of your time at your current company bearable? Since this man hasn't figured out how to interact with women, he won't understand rejection. If you tell him that you're absolutely not interested in his advances and that he should back off, I wouldn't rule out him trying to sabotage interviews with any future employers who'd call him as a reference. Unfortunately, until you tell this raging weirdo that you'd rather date a hobo, he's going to think that you ignoring his advances is your way of validating them. That's why they keep escalating. Your initial friendliness in regards to non-work topics made him think you're interested in frenching him. Now, he's interpreting your lack of denial as approval, and he must think you enjoy his shitty mix CDs and crappy jokes.

I'm guessing you're good enough at your job and have enough friends that you can cut this boner loose and set him straight. If so, do that. It'll save you a ton of headaches, awkward e-cards, and awful mix CDs. Of course, if you're terrible at your job and not at all personable, you might be better off just sucking it up and patronizing him. You might even be able to get a free dinner at a Ruby Tuesday and some incompetent, yet enthusiastic, oral sex out of it.

Sincerely,
Klint

CRAZY4U

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Sat, 10 May 2008 21:55:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I am an above average looking man. I like to have fun, watch movies, listen to music. I make a good amount of money. I take care of my body. I eat pretty well, and I get a moderate amount of exercise. I'm pretty much what the Moms would call, "a catch."

Recently (last weekend), I was out with some friends whom I haven't seen in a long time at a local gathering place. We were eating dinner, laughing together, and having a good time. I decided to call it a night, so I paid my tab and left. On my way out the door, I decided that I was going to fuck with someone (I was a little drunk). So I stared into this girls eyes as I was leaving.

The next day my roommate, who was also out with me the previous night, woke me at 8am (WTF?) by saying, "Dude, this is totally about you."

"What are you talking about?" I replied.

"Someone posted about you in the, 'Missed Connections' section of Craig's List," he said.

Sure enough there were two posts that were unmistakably about me from a girl who saw me the previous night. I don't know if it is the girl who's eyes I stared into, and to tell you the truth I don't even remember what she looked like.

Should I pursue these posts and see what happens, or are they all posted by busted fatties with hyperlexia? You seem to be very knowledgeable about the type of people who use the Internet to try and 'pick people up'. Is it okay to ask her for a photo of herself if I do contact her? What are some good guidelines to follow to make sure that I don't get roped into hanging out with someone disgusting or annoying?

Thinks,

CRAZY4U

Dear CRAZY4U,

First I'd like to apologize for the recent delay in updating Dear Klint. My band is currently on tour, so I'm posting from a venue in Montreal, Quebec. Our last show is May 18, so expect me to resume a regular posting schedule then.

That said, craigslist is one of the greatest tools available to mankind in 2008. A full discourse on using the site to buy guitar equipment, play telephone pranks, or find free sex is far beyond the scope of my blog, but you bring up an important question: How should missed connections be handled?

First, for the uninitiated, craigslist.org is a locally driven classified ads website. Their "missed connections" is a section where you can post a desperate stab at love with the beautiful woman you thought you totally locked eyes with on your way to Whole Foods. Then she can respond to your anonymous ad, and you go from there.

When you're aware of the nature of what you're doing, posting or replying to a missed connection can only end in one of three ways. You could open the lines of communication and receive no response, you could end up meeting and dating someone that you really get along with and care for, or it could (ideally) end in pure comedy.

It doesn't matter if this girl looks like an abused sweat hog or is pushing 250lbs on a 5'2" frame. No one answers missed connections looking for love, and no one in their right mind posts them looking for a soulmate. Should you start dabbling in missed connections, you shouldn't expect to meet people, you want stories.

Three months from now, do you care to recap the time you took your missed connection out for coffee, only to see her two more times before you never speak again? Or would you rather tell your friends how you took a girl to Crown Fried Chicken and then used her mouth as a pussy while you watched the first half of Uncle Buck, only to ejaculate on her face during the birthday pancake scene and kick her out into the cold to bring you back a milkshake?

Now imagine she actually came back with the black and white you ordered, face still glazed with your manhood. You've only scratched the surface of the quality of woman craigslist has to offer.

Obviously the sky is the limit, and since she posted a missed connection for you, you're in control of the situation. By putting herself out there on the internet, albeit anonymously, she desperately seeks your approval and should be willing to do anything to win your love. Even ass to mouth. Or watersports. If there's anything left to cross off your list before you settle down, now is the time to do it.

Let us know how this turns out.

Sincerely,
Klint

Retarded at Flirting

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Sun, 04 May 2008 03:48:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I have a supercrush on the boy behind the counter where I rent my film equipment. We've had a class together, and always say hi, but how do I convince him that we are meant to be?

Sincerely,
Retarded at Flirting

Dear Retarded,

I originally read your email and just became angry. Actually enraged. Then I noticed your email originated from a historically women's college. Attending one of these universities is the one of the worst things you could possibly do to stunt your social growth, surpassed only by being homeschooled and tattooing your face.

Now I'm about to drop the bomb of reality your world of liberal arts and academic tolerance. All you have to say is, "Hey, would you like to get coffee with me sometime?" If he says yes, exchange phone numbers and schedule the meeting for some time in the future. If he says no, suck it up and don't act like an awkward weirdo. No tears. No stalking. No guilt. No fits. You're a big girl now, and it's time to act like one. Nine times out of ten, a single girl with no visible birth defects asking a single non-degenerate guy out for coffee will result in a date. You'll probably have a good time and want to see each other again. Then one of you will eventually realize the other is a mental defect, you'll have a little intercourse, a lot of tears, and that's dating in a nutshell. Hope you're on birth control.

Sincerely,
Klint

Joyce Toolstory

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:44:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I had been talking to this guy for the past two months and we'd been casually dating for about the past month. He was a great guy, spoke several languages, well-traveled, reads, has a great job, charming, handsome, and fun. A few weeks ago, I noticed that I (completely unintentionally) began to really like him. The feeling was mutual (so I'd thought). He'd call/text/email/IM/SOMETHING, every day -- but it wasn't overbearing. Every time we'd talk on the phone it would turn into HOURS, without gaps or pauses, and would get honest to a level that I've never even visited with some friends I've had for years. Total chemistry, though very few mutual interests (plus he kind of dresses like an asshole/post-fraternity guy and listens to fucking god awful music). The whole situation was pretty confusing because, barring the positive attributes, he isn't generally the kind of guy I would date -- but he seemed to have substance nonetheless.

Long story short, we started hanging out more. I found out that he is a little less casual with another girl, but still claims to be completely single. Now, I don't want or have time for a boyfriend and had no agenda or expectation here -- this was OK as long as it stayed fun. He expressed concern about dating me and this other girl (and maybe many other girls?), as he thought I would have hurt feelings. I assured him that there were no feelings involved on my end. I mean, I like the guy, but I don't even know him that well and I certainly don't care about him enough to worry what he does when he is not with me.

Finally, I made out with him. It was intense and pretty awesome; but I had no intention of going much further than kissing with him ever because we'll never actually be serious. He stuck around after and watched Futurama and held hands. Then he gave me a big kiss on my front porch and IMed me when he got home, insisting on calling me thereafter, talking about how much he liked me blahblahblah. I was a bit weirded out, it seemed too soon. It translated into an awkward and brief conversation. We didn't talk for the rest of the week. Or, on the phone or in person again thereafter.

He popped up on google chat a few days later, so we talked while at work. It was cute and fun, he sent me emails while I was at lunch and we made noncommittal plans to hang out in the future. I sent him a cute email the following monday about hanging out. No response. Dude disappeared from the planet.

What the fuck??

I like to think that I am a pretty good judge of character and this being the first time this has happened to me is a pretty strong testament to that. But I am beyond perplexed. Things were cool, we got along great, were attracted to each other, the physical stuff was cool -- and I never made demands on him or his time, only ONCE ever messaged him first. The only thing I can think of is that I'm more successful than he is and we're both alphas (he mentioned always being in control of his former relationships/paraphrased but to that effect); which I didn't think mattered one way or another considering the situation. Though he got a little rough and made a few 'jokingly' harsh comments here and there (and I made them right back), it didn't seem a big deal.

At the very least, I'd thought that after several months we were friends on some level. So this was not only unexpected, but it changed my entire perception of him: that he is just like every other fuckhead out there.
Now, here is my question: it's been about a week and a half since we last spoke/since he pulled a houdini on me, is it inappropriate/uncalled for to write him an email calling him out on his behavior? I no longer have an interest in dating him and harbor no illusion that I'll get any kind of gratifying response (if any at all), but confronting him on being disappointing and shitty might make me feel a little better regarding resolution. Conversely, this may make me look like I actually DO care more than simply being respected as a human being based on most girls reactions toward rejection. And no one wants to look crazy or clingy, least of all myself.

So, please help me with this decision, Klint. I already took the guy out of my contacts and deleted his emails/texts/so forth. If you think I should just wipe him from my memory like a crappy alien in a will smith movie before letting him know how disgusting and tactless he was, then, by all means, I will do just that.

- Joyce Toolstory

Dear Joyce,

Generally, when you say "long story short," the idea is to actually make your long story somewhat short. Apparently that concept was entirely lost on you. Maybe that has something to do with failures and shortcomings in other areas of your life. Either way, I'll do everyone a favor and succeed where you failed.

I understand and sympathize with your desire to not appear crazy or clingy. No one wants to look pathetic, especially not to someone who's just rejected them as firmly as this man just has, but get real. It's a week and a half after this guy severed his ties to you, and if you really have no intention of trying to date him- then why would you even care to speak to him? The fact that you're taking the time to write me a great American novel asking whether you should prod him one last time means that you are crazy and clingy. It's fine. No matter how different you think you are, all girls are crazy and clingy. Just consider his departure from your life a blessing and move on.

Clearly your feelings are hurt, and you're just looking for some sort of validation and closure. There had to be a reason he stopped talking to you, and you feel the need to know what it is. Stop. Just be content with the knowledge that he was tired of speaking to you, and drop it. Besides, if all you wanted to do was call this dude out on his shittiness, you'd take the moral highroad and go with public humiliation.

Sincerely,
Klint

Virginia Woof

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:25:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I've been hanging out with this guy for like 2 1/2 weeks now. I would say things are moving pretty fast, but i dont know what to think of it. I met a guy on [local message board]. I know, I know bad choice.. but i think he's pretty decent. He acts real interested in me, but i know he texts girls a lot. He has told me he considers us dating but doesn't know if anything is "official."
He says he wouldn't want me to hang out with other guys, and if i do he wants me to be honest and hopes i dont makeout or anything with them. I really dont get it. We hang out a lot. I dont put out a lot, only because i'm afraid of emotional attachment and to get hurt. How can i tell if this guy is being serious or just tryna get some pussy? What are the signs he might like me? and what are some signs he's just using me as a filler chick? cause i kinda feel like he may just be waiting till something better comes along. i really can't tell i think it's all of his mixed signals. Help help help!

Sincerely,
Virginia Woof
[edited for clarity and readability at original author's request]

Dear Virginia,

Meeting guys on message boards may seem smart, but it's really just as much of a crapshoot creep lottery as any other online social outlet. While it does offer people a chance to meet in a discussion-based forum, as opposed to a photo-based forum, there's still a large subset of men who dredge boards for poon. Not to mention the women who let any guy over 1500 posts dig them out. So, if you're not that kind of girl, you might want to find out if he's that kind of guy. Otherwise, the night he happens to catch you with a stubbly pubic mound could be the last time you see him.

Beyond that, you need to evaluate how you two spend your time together. Does he take you to places where you can meet his friends? Or is he often tired and just wants to spend a "night in?" If you don't venture into the world and encounter his friends, he's either ashamed of you, he doesn't want to put in any effort beyond the small amount of nipple sucking and diddling it takes to get you on top of him, or he doesn't plan on keeping you around for long enough to burden anyone with remembering your name. When you get dinner is it Big Bufords at the drive-thru? An out of the way Olive Garden? Chinese delivered? Old Country Buffet? All of these should throw up red flags.

Granted two and a half weeks isn't a terribly long time to be seeing someone, but his love of text messaging other women is a clear indication that he's shopping around. What if your current boss caught you sending out resumés on company time? Your ass would be shitcanned instantly. Why should dating someone be any different? Moving forward, if he keeps skirting around the issue of making your relationship "official," you can be sure that the only thing you're doing is keeping his cock warm for the next pair of lips he's going to bury it in.

You're essentially falling into the same spot she was in, but you do have one thing going for you: You're withholding sex in some capacity. This is the only smart thing you've done so far, because his access to intercourse is the only aspect of this emotional transaction that you have control over. Luckily for you, it's also the strongest position to have, but unless you start to leverage it to your advantage, he'll continue to have the upper hand. It's kind of like living in South Africa in the 80's. Even though you should be in control, he's managed to systematically oppress that power and have free reign to plunder your womanly goods.

I'd suggest you fix that.

Sincerely,
Klint

Seriously What The Fuck

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:01:00 +0000

Dear Klint-
I feel so entirely typical but I have spent a few years pawning over a guy who has picked me up and dropped me more times than I'd care to admit. I've done everything I could think of to get over him; the slut period, the bitter alone period, the hang with friends and get your mind off it period, nothing seems to work. And believe me I want it to, I know there is no chance of us getting back together and I don't want to be this jaded. What do I do? I'm tired of being that girl that goes home to cry for hours over someone who probably hasn't even thought about me since the last time he saw me. The last time, just for a bit of back story, was when he kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and to get home safe and call when I got there only to not return my call or talk to me since. I just don't understand it and I'm hoping you can give me some insight, how can someone tell someone they love them and then completely ignore them? How do you talk to someone for an entire night about how they will always be the one to go back to, the one they'll always want to be with only to blast them out of your life a mere 12 hours later? Sex maybe? But if the girl honestly says, "listen, we can have sex one last time and it will be nothing" why would the guy reply with "no, I love you I want to make it work"? I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm young, attractive, adore him (well, did), and intelligent so why the cold shoulder?

-Seriously What The Fuck

Dear SWTF,

Right off the bat you admit that you lack the ability to get over a man who has an established pattern of shitting on your soul. I won't say that isn't stupid (because it is), but it's a terribly common occurrence. At least you're trying to take steps to rectify the situation, even though everything you've done so far is inherently wrong.

If you refer to a previous post of mine, you'll notice that the way to capture a woman is to first break her, and then rebuild her in such a way that she relies on a man's approval and affection. I'm not sure if he was the one to break you, but he was the one to rebuild you. The reason he was able to pick you up, use you, and then discard you is because you absolutely needed him, and he knew it. To him, you were essentially no different than one of the Mexicans who hangs out in front of Home Depot waiting to fix your roof, except he doesn't have to buy you Gatorade.

You were also very clear about communicating your desperation to him. When you informed him that he was able to have intercourse with you "one last time" and it would mean "nothing," he won. Obviously you were lying when you said this, because it's a common tactic where a woman tries to force emotional intimacy out of physical intimacy. It's like a watered-down version of the pregnancy trap. That's why he didn't pretend to take you up on it. That still doesn't change the fact that you lowered yourself to the level of something a toothbrush, a Leatherman, or a melonballer; you offered yourself as a mere device that could use at will and not need to respect. But by feeding into your quest for validation, he secured his ability to plunder your holes, ignore you, and have you continue to pursue him like he's some sort of hot commodity.

So why did he suddenly start ignoring you? Obviously there's the chance that he might come back and try to reenter you sometime in the future. In all honesty, the main reason is because it's just easier for him to deal with. If he can successfully sever your ties and push you out of his mind, he saves himself from having to deal with the usual aftermath of ending a relationship. If he doesn't talk to you, he doesn't have to hear you cry or beg or freak out, or any of the other presumably annoying responses you'd have. He can also just assume that you're living your life without any ill effects of his passing, so he can be free to find another girl with new insecurites so he can start strip mining her vulva and self esteem.

Now on the true reason you're still miserable after all these years: you. All your attempts to get over him were just ill-applied escapist tactics. Going through a slut phase wouldn't make you forget him, it would just make you a slut. It's not like some guy is going to stick his dick in you, strike emotional oil, and then you live happily ever after. Now you're just stuck with the shame of 30 strange cocks and no better off with the one you really want in you.

The only real chance you have of moving forward begins with you pulling your head out of your ass and not dwelling on him or the drunken stupors and gray rapes you used to try to forget him. Quit your dysfunctional behavior, and focus on things that make you happy, as opposed to things that make you forget you're not. Realize that any guy who doesn't want to date you without exploiting your emotional sensitivity isn't worth being with. You know, things that should be common sense for anyone with even minor cognitive ability and the slightest shred of self preservation (at least, you'd think). It's clearly not the easiest thing to do, but it's the only way you're going to stop treating yourself like an asshole and living like ma malakat aymanukum.

Sincerely,
Klint

Not Getting Any.

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:31:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I haven’t had sex in a few years… really, YEARS. The last guy I had sex with fucked me over in a terrible way. Although I would like to say that complete waste of life has nothing to do with my not having sex, he does. I’ve met guys, I’ve been on dates, and second dates, and third dates. I’m an attractive (cute, not beautiful) young woman, I should be having sex, and I just can’t bring myself to do it. My friends think I’m a pussy, and say I should just go out and fuck some random guy I meet at a bar, even though it’s not my style. My question to you Klint is, should I cowboy up and have sex just get it over with so I’m through my ’dry spell’ or do I stick to my guns and hold out until I meet someone who I actually like?

Best,

Not Getting Any.

Dear NGA,

Your friends sound like women of class with the absolute right idea. Awkwardly unerotic missionary position intercourse with a potentially diseased stranger is a great solution to all your problems. If you desperately needed to be filled, you would have been lying prostrate in front of something with a penis instead of writing to me. Clearly all you're looking for is an impartial third party to green light you on becoming a whore.

For some reason people are as superstitious about sex as they are about baseball. When you're in a slump, you don't need to turn your hat inside out and pull up your skirt as everyone at the bar makes a mad dash to stuff you full of fingers. Suck it up and accept that sometimes there's statistical improbabilities in the distribution of your sexual partners, and maybe you're only a standard deviation away from quivering on all fours with a thumb in your asshole.

You're clearly not comfortable with the thought of going out, dragging some guy home, and begging him to rail you stupid, so why would you even think you'd be comfortable or content with the actual act? The only thing that will make you more miserable than a lapse in sexual activity is a lapse in judgement. Plus going for long periods without intercourse forces you to not be quite so dependent on it, and makes you less likely to end up as the broken down shell of a human who tries to substitute cocks for love.

Your best bet is to just wait and find a dude who you're comfortable enough with to break the curse. Otherwise you run the risk of taking a fondness to anonymous sex and ending up on the business end of a few gangbangs and gloryholes. And once that happens, you're severely damaged goods and no decent man will ever lay a hand on you.

Sincerely,
Klint

Shattered Glass

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:17:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I let myself fall for this guy, which isnt normal for me to do because i have my guard up most of the time. The strange part is that we met for only one night but that one night has meant more to me then other months of "real" relationships with other men. I feel so comfortable around him and whenever we talk i can feel my heart lighten up, he makes me feel joy, I've never felt like this before which is why i can feel my heart break whenever i think about whether I've made a mistake in letting him inside my heart because i dont know if it was meaningless to him. We have texted each other since january but a few weeks ago we haven't or should i say "he" hasn't tried to talk to me and I'm now starting to feel like i need to try and get over him. He has told me he likes me and when we used to talk he would always bring up how much he misses me and wishes i would be with him or visit him. I don't know..maybe he's busy and has a life..or maybe I'm just fooling myself or should i hold on to that wonderful night and leave it as that. I dont know what to do? I've fallen for the impossible because he lives so far away

sincerely, shattered glass

Dear SG,

Congratulations, you've been duped by an out of towner. Welcome to the real world. You need to be completely honest with yourself here, did you really expect him to be "the one?" If you answered yes, you need to seriously reevaluate your world view. Unless you're trying to trap a man with a surprise pregnancy, meeting him and letting him inside you the first evening, especially when you know he'll be gone the next day, is not the best way to find a husband.

Sweet and thoughtful text messages are heartwarming and all, but they're a very minor gesture. Take a step back and really analyze the situation. Can you sustain a healthy relationship on SMS alone? Do you think a man who will hook up with you the first night you meet will stay faithful when he's a thousand miles away? Not to say that long distance relationships are impossible, but they require hard work and a bit more commitment than a night of heavy petting generally entails.

I'm also guessing that the predicament you're in now isn't the sole result of his gentleman charms. Chances are, you were fully aware of his unattainable nature and mentally made him out to be far better than he actually is. That way, when it doesn't work out, you can blame fate as opposed to your own personal shortcomings. In your mind, you're just a pair of star-crossed lovers, and he transforms into some impossible to have ideal man. That's why your one evening grope fest seems leaps and bounds more meaningful than any other relationship you've had. I'm sure if you wrote a book about that evening it would have Fabio on the cover and be a huge seller in supermarket checkout lines.

He probably strung you along to inflate his ego, and then when someone newer, better, or closer came along, he forgot about you and focused on her. Either that, or you just started to annoy him. You win some, you lose some. Do yourself a favor: quit dwelling and use this as a learning experience. Then maybe you won't be as likely to bend over for and fall in love with the next guy to stop in your town.

Sincerely,
Klint

Molly Slambag

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:58:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I stumbled upon a private conversation between my boyfriend and one of his acquaintances recently. In it, he inquired about the relationship status of one of his female friends. He then complained of having 'terrible luck', as he entered a relationship with me right as said friend's relationship was on the rocks. Now I am reevaluating what I had previously thought was a healthy relationship. What should my next move be? Will his obsession with women who will never date him continue?

Sincerely,

Molly Slambag

Dear Molly,

I have good news! Your gentleman lover is of the sensitive dreamer variety. What does this mean for you? Besides his willingness to cuddle while you two watch reruns of Will and Grace, he's too weak willed to be stringing you along looking for someone better. If this female friend was such a serious trade up, then you would have been buried in Love Canal before you could have even found those chat logs. The fact that he's pined over this woman for the entirety of your relationship and not dumped you to take a stab at her shows that he cares about you and your personal union enough to not flush it on a whim. This is generally regarded as a positive quality, and more than most women get out of their boyfriends. Congratulations.

Unfortunately, it also means that he's too much of a eunuch to be proactive in taking steps toward his own happiness. The fact that he's pined over this woman for the entirety of your relationship and not dumped you to take a stab at her shows that he's settled for you. He feels that you're the best he'll ever do, and he's accepted that fact. You should be prepared for long bouts of depression in the coming years while he looks at the Myspace and Facebook profiles of long lost loves and wonders what could have been. How's that silver medal feel right about now?

I'm guessing you're not looking forward to a marriage where passionate sex and romance are replaced by Sudoku books and alcoholism, so you only really have one option. You have to dump him. And when you do it, you need to tell him that he's worthless, that he should grow a pair, and that since he's not a real man he lacks the ability to please you sexually. Lay into him. Leave no wound unsalted. You really have to shit on every inch of his being. Be prepared, because his natural reaction will be tears. Don't cave in. If you get through this, magically, one of two things will happen.

The worst possible outcome is that he takes it in stride and leaves you alone. He goes off, tries to date that other girl, most likely fails, and continues his pathetic cycle of "what ifs." But, it's not that bad, since you were the runner up, anyway. And I once read that second place is the first loser, so you're likely better off. Sadly, I'm guessing that you have taken quite a liking to this guy, so you'd probably rather not lose him. You're in luck, because since he lacks the backbone or motivation to invest himself in a new relationship, there's a pretty solid chance that you trying to dump him will give him the kick in the balls that he needs to snap out of his wussy boner mindset and really start appreciating you not as the absolute best he could do, but as the absolute best for him. Checkmate, you win.

Of course, this is a pretty risky maneuver. But not taking chances makes you just as bad as him.

Sincerely,
Klint

Sexting It Up

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:54:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I need your help, obviously. If you start talking to a guy and after a couple of weeks of texting and 5 minute phone calls here and there, you start getting kind of freaky with your texts, would that be a turn off for "dating" material for a guy? Would he automatically think of you as only a sex thing and that is it?

Best Regards,

Sexting It Up

Dear SIU,

Depending on a subtle blend of your intelligence, shared interests, and overall appearance, there's a strong chance he thought of you as "only a sex thing" before you sent him dirty text messages. Think about all the women that a man would meet in his lifetime. Now, think about how many of those women he'd truly be interested in dating. If you divide the number of dateable women by the total number of women, you'll come up with a probability that he would actually want to start a relationship with you. Statistically speaking, he probably doesn't actually like you.

Don't let that be discouraging, though. People overcome odds all the time, and that's the wonderful thing about humanity. The good news is that as long as he isn't severely asexual and you've established a solid non-sexual rapport, dirty talk in general shouldn't scare him away from dating or relegate you to slampig status. Be mindful of a few basic rules, though.

Don't start "sexting" too soon after you start talking. If you've only known a guy for a few days and you're already telling him how you want to be mouthraped for nine hours, he's going to ~~think~~ know you're a whore. It's important to have things to talk about besides where you want him to fuck you, be it geographical or anatomical. When in doubt, a good rule of thumb is to not start sending dirty texts until after you've frenched each other.

Keep your less mainstream fetishes a secret for now. Not everyone is 100% comfortable with their sexuality, so telling him you want to be trained as a ponygirl or make a Tamakeri film might make him think you're insane. It's never a bad idea to try and keep discussion on par with, or only slightly ahead of, activities you've actually participated in.

Don't text like a retard. Please observe common social constructs regarding grammar, time of day, and flow of conversation. I can only think of a few things less sexy than a getting a text message at 3:00 PM that reads, "i need ur cum in my ass b4 u go 2 bed."

Above all, just try not to be a brainless semen receptacle, and you already have a leg up on over 97% of other women in the dating pool. You have a much better chance of starting a lasting relationship with some common sense and a sense of humor than you do with a double digit IQ and a tight, but willing anus.

Sincerely,
Klint

Unloved and Weeded Out

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:37:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I'm fairly certain that I recently was placed in the notorious "friend zone" by a very beautiful girl. As a lover of women, and as someone who has never had any issue getting dates or sleeping with women, this came as quite a shock to me. We met through a friend, happened to run into each other a few times, flirted by text message, even went out to dinner once and i afterwards joked about it being a date yielding positive results. but i saw her at a party a few nights back and she seemed more interested in going to a movie next week than she was in coming back to my place after the party. It practically screamed "lets just be friends!". Klint, in your expert opinion as a fellow lover of women and a suave gentleman to boot, how can i get out of the 'friend zone' and into the 'fuck zone'?

Sincerely,

Unloved and Weeded Out

Dear UWO,

This is a question men have always struggled with, and continue to struggle with to this day. To understand the solution, let's first divide women into three broad categories: beautiful women, not beautiful women, and beautiful women who were once not beautiful. Now we need to understand that dating women is like training horses; they need to be broken.

Unattractive women are the easiest to deal with. Because they're not beautiful, the entire world has shit on them for most of their existence. They've been broken by life, and as such really only need marginal sweet talking if you wish to bed them. This sort of girl is also highly susceptible to gang bangs, trains, nude photos, and other potentially humiliating or disgusting sex acts in the name of attention. Though many of the men who perform these acts are thoroughly ashamed, and they often go unspoken.

Between the extremes lies the beautiful woman who wasn't always beautiful. The world pissed in their Fresca, and after tasting it one too many times, they did something about it. Luckily for you, they still retain their lingering self doubts and persistent need for validation. With this kind of girl, less is more. You need to be sweet to her, but not overbearing. Whereas an unfortunate looking girl can be taken down with a steady bombardment of generic niceties, subtlety is your friend here. The best attack includes alternating bouts of jerky and condescending humor with cuddling and classic romantic comedies on VHS. The only problem is, there's a good chance a few less savory gentlemen than you have had the same ideas about this girl. It's a little harder to pull off, but this is the kind of girl you'll see a video of her naked in a bathtub with some sixth tier Panic! at the Disco type band urinating on her while their roadie tries to hide a whole bag of carrots in her orifices. On the upside, if you can find one who hasn't been so defiled, she'll be absolutely loyal.

Finally, the type of girl you're trying to bed. She knows she's beautiful, and is willing to use that against you. Start by ignoring her. She will ideally continue talking to you. This has shifted the balance of power in your favor, and from here on out, you're in control. Use a few well placed sarcastic comments that appear joking, but have ribbons of truth running through them. That plants the seed of imperfection in her mind, and from there you can continue knocking her down, peg by peg, until she falls into your loving arms. Be absolutely sure you're making her do the legwork, otherwise you'll seem like every other nerd, guido, or artist trying to date her.

There's also the off chance that the woman you've been seeing just isn't a whore and would rather spend time with you before she spends time blowing you. I severely doubt that, though.

Sincerely,
Klint

Lazy Beaver Keeper

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:54:00 +0000

Dear Klint,
For years I have gone with the full Brazilian wax, and recently decided to switch it up with a racing stripe down the center. The whole upkeep of the stripe seems to be more trouble than it's worth, but I'm wondering if the being fully shaved is becoming less appropriate since I'm nearing thirty.

Lazy Beaver Keeper

Dear LBK,

Just as different haircuts are more suitable for different faces and different hats fit different heads, different vaginas need different pubic hair. There's essentially three basic styles you can go with, so I'll describe what each is best suited for, and leave it to you to make an informed decision. Actually shaping the styles on your own mound will be left as an exercise for the reader.

Clean Shaven: This is the standard go-to cut when a woman decides she wants to trim her pubic hair. There's no age limit on it as you may have suggested, but since it looks best with a marginally attractive vagina, it's important to be aware of what yours actually looks like. If your labia look like a Big Montana dripping with Horsey Sauce, this is not the style you want. However, if you don't appear as though you were ridden hard and put away wet, this is the cleanest and simplest way to present your genitals for male use.

Racing Stripe: This style is easily varied and well suited for anything from the immaculate virgin's gift to the most heinously unfuckable slophole. It's definitely more effort, but the time you spend shaping and grooming this little patch really says that you care about the quality of your slot and what you allow into it. More importantly, however, it draws attention away from the droop you've accumulated because of a few youthful indiscretions, like the time you bet Bill Lambeer he couldn't palm your uterus, or that night you passed out at the rugby house and woke up to find someone had used you as a beer cozy.

Unshaven: This is a great look if you hate oral sex, sleep under a bridge, and love when people can smell your ripeness through your clothes.

Sincerely,
Klint

Mary Swanson

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:05:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

For the past three months I've been seeing this guy, let's call him "Spence". We've been seeing each other pretty much every day, but he tells me that though he likes what we have and wants to stay exclusive, he doesn't want a girlfriend. How does that make any sense?

Signed,

Mary Swanson

Dear Mary,

There's really two possible ways this could go. The first is that he truly cares for you, but has some personal commitment issues that he needs to work on before he can fully and officially devote himself to a relationship with you. Unfortunately for you, this is less likely than seeing Barack Obama at a deaf Renaissance fair smithing magical chainmail coifs that cure breast cancer.

What's actually going on is threefold:

He wants to keep being inside you. This allows him to regularly glaze you with gentleman's relish without the hassle of finding a new input. He's done his three months of work, and now is going to sit back and reap the harvest he worked so hard to sow.

He wants to make sure you don't let any other men inside you. This allows him to "forget" to bring over condoms, and not have to worry about picking up any new infections. Since you're the one who wants to be his girlfriend, he knows that as long as there's assumed exclusivity between the two of you, you'll turn down any advances from other suitors.

He wants to be unencumbered in case any other [read: better] women want him inside them. When they ask if he has a girlfriend, he can say "no" and technically not be lying. Also, if you were to learn of and confront him about his infidelity, he can say that you're not his girlfriend and the reason you aren't is because you're oppressive and clingy.

Being your boyfriend is his contingency plan. He knows he can do better, but until he finds it, you're adequate. There's really only two ways out of the emotional black hole that is your life. You can either break it off with him, or try the IUD trick I suggested in my last post. Judging by the fact that you've gone for the last three months without enough of a yambag to confront him about the situation, I'm figuring he'll go on treating you like 3/5 of a person until he can trade his Yugo for a Benz. Either that, or he'll just drag this on until you're all used up and unlovable.

Congratulations, you're his property.

Sincerely,
Klint

Fucking Wussy Waste

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:55:00 +0000

Dear Klint,

I would like to disclaimer my letter with the fact that I'm already aware I haven't been an actual human being for a year or so. Rather than pay attention to the things I care about and making myself happy, I've been miserable enough to waddle through mediocrity and in turn I've developed an insecurity that makes me not want to do anything because I get so anxious because of the fact that I haven't stuck to my guns out of being pretty bummed out. Unfortunately, this anxiety makes all my problems cyclical and I want to break out of it, but I'm a wimp who doesn't remember how to actually live. There are things I care about in which I feel stagnant in because of this bad behavior, but more pertinently to your blog, boys are also part of the problem. I'm so used to treating a certain person in a watered-down manner because I was just coasting through interacting with him, that I now feel like I can't tell him the things that are necessary to save the relationship because it might seem out of nowhere and forced, when I actually just want to get down to bid'ness and be sincere and devout and all that shit.

Yours truly,
I'm a fucking wussy waste

Dear FWW,

Let me start off by congratulating you. Not only are you the first to put your faith and trust into me, but you've also already taken the first step toward a positive resolution. You, like so few other women in this world, are able to admit that everything you hate about your life is your own fault.

Right now, you're dangerously close to becoming one of those self-loathing type girls. You know, the ones who don't mind two or more men inside them at the same time. The kind of girl who thinks that if she does ass-to-mouth just one more time, he'll be ready to settle down and really love her.

Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. Ladies like that have a certain je ne sais quoi, but it really depends on what your overall life goals are. Assuming you're not looking to spend your late thirties cruising eHarmony spreading your legs in exchange for half price appetizers at the Applebee's two towns over, your best bet is to just suck it up, grab the bull by the horns, and reclaim your life. Your gentleman friend will more than likely appreciate your honesty, and you'll be better off for it.

If that doesn't work, just tell him you have an IUD and trap him in a loveless marriage full of resentment, obligation and alcoholism.

Sincerely,
Klint

Welcome!

noreply@blogger.com (klint) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:28:00 +0000

At the strong urging of a friend, I've decided to start an advice column. Her vision is that it be a source of information for the modern woman struggling with endeavors of the heart. While that would be ideal, I'm not in a position to be so particularly picky. As such, anyone can feel free to submit a query to dearklint@gmail.com and the serious ones shall be answered here. Rest assured that regardless of the nature of my response, I pledge to withhold the identity of anyone humble enough to bare their soul to me. That said, I eagerly await the development of this project!