Informed consent is a legal, ethical, and moral standard that is of great importance in divorce. It can be defined as voluntary consent based on a full understanding of all of the information disclosed. What does this mean in divorce? It means that there is a presumption that you know the value of the assets you are keeping or giving away, that you understand the implications of your decisions, and that you understand all of the options available to you and potential outcomes before you make any decisions and sign on the dotted line.

If you want to keep the marital residence, for example, has there been a home inspection to identify any major repairs you will be liable for? Have you performed a title search to see exactly how your home is titled and if there are any unknown liens against your property? Have you spoken to a mortgage broker to see if you will qualify refinance your home loan without your spouse’s income?

What are the different types of alimony? How are they modifiable if I remarry or if my spouse loses his income? What happens to my alimony if my spouse dies? How are the different types of alimony taxed? Are there any carryover losses or other tax benefits that can be shared? Are our retirement plans being divided in a way that avoids penalties and tax consequences? Once you have a clear picture of your assets, the questions that apply to your case can be addressed fully.

Information is power and goes a long way to make sure that the decisions you are making are informed and will really get you what you are hoping for.

Empathy in the workplace is gaining more and more attention, and that is a good thing. As a “whole brain” person- 48% left brain and 52% right brain, I know how I respond to life when one side is more engaged than the other. My left brain, for example, takes over when I am crunching numbers. And after an hour or so, my friends can tell what I am doing by the tone of my voice. The other day while reconciling accounts, the phone rang…

“Hello.”
“Oh, you are working.”
“Yes. How are you?”
“I will call you later.”
“What’s up?”
“Never mind. It was not important. You have your work voice.”

I was momentarily frustrated. “Just tell me what you want,” I thought. And there it was. I felt it. I was so disconnected from myself that I was projecting impatience and “bottom line” thinking. I woke up…thank goodness… and gave myself some self-empathy. I do not want to do harm by my tone of voice, so I took a breath and found my balance. I was then able to hear the caller with a compassionate heart.
I remembered this conversation when I read this article this morning. I get it! And I am so glad it is catching on.

Empathy is the key for great leadership. Often conflict comes up between people, between unions and organisations, when you don’t trust the other person or use your power to take advantage of the other person. If a subordinate doesn’t believe that the manager cares about him, he may act out. Managers are expected to create a level plain field where both sides value each other and trust each other. There should be a contribution from both sides to achieve this synergy. However, it is the responsibility of the manager or management to show more maturity and initiate a model of transparency that can win trust in their subordinates. There has to be a structure. It is the responsibility of the management to devise the communication pattern.

To identify issues before they escalate into a big fight, first create a situation wherein all parties can have an honest conversation. Rather than waiting until the last moment, get into a conversation. Keep problems small and don’t let issues build up. Good managers and employees engage in conversations long before there are any problems. Again, to achieve this, there has to be a structure in place. When you have the set-up, the one question that remains is: how honest are you?

I recently left a mediation with this song playing in my brain. The mediation did not end in a signed agreement… and that’s okay. One of the parties was absolutely not ready to complete the division of their property. “She does not deserve anything!” he repeated. “She had an affair!”

My co-mediator and I would cycle him through the tough emotions, thinking he was ready to move forward, then BAM. The wife would say something like, “I am willing to give you the chair for the two bedside tables,” and he would dive back into that emotional feedback loop of pain and sorrow (it looks like anger on the outside). Sadly, he thinks he wants to punish his wife- to make her pay for her misdeeds with couches and chairs. I wish I could waive a magic wand like the ghost of Christmas so he could see that it is his own thinking is holding him in bondage… not her past acts but his present thoughts about them! But I can’t.

What I know is until we have the space and support to process the feelings, our thoughts will highjack us.  I hope that this young man has a support system that can hold the space with him while he feels the pain of this loss. The feelings live in his heart, and if he can feel safe enough to feel them, the healing will begin. The pain is the gate, and when his heart is ready to feel the pain, he will.

Trust the process. My hope is that he will get the empathy he needs and come back to the table… when he is ready to move forward.

There is a lot of talk about empathy these days, but I do not hear a lot about self empathy.  I have found the practice of self empathy hugely beneficial, so I thought I would share.

Self empathy is defined as a deep and compassionate awareness of one’s own inner experience. When I am triggered by someone’s behavior, I often feel what feels like anger. My jaw gets tight, and I feel a constriction in my throat. This is my inner experience … my body is screaming “help!” That used to be as far as I got before I lashed out with my intellectual bully or my saintly martyr (actually a victim with a plan). Neither of these reactions were very likely to get me what I wanted.

Then I learned Nonviolent Communication- a simple process that can and will become fluid and automatic with practice. The four step process can be used in any and all situations- to empathize with someone in distress, to talk to your boss, to navigate a conflict with your teenager, or to talk about finances with your spouse. It is also the best way  to relate to myself and give myself some empathy.
1. Observation- make observations about what just happened without evaluation.
Evaluation- He never lets me know what is going on! He is so irresponsible!

Observation- When I got home the house was empty and there was no not. By making a simple observation, I am starting to separate the people from the problem. And the problem is really simple and clear.

2. Feelings- what is going on for me?
I was so excited to finish work early on a Friday night so we could play! I thought everyone was going to be home, and I am angry and confused. I am thinking about all of the times I have felt left out, and I am really sad. That’s what is really going on… I am sad.

3. Needs- I know what I don’t want pretty easily … my work is to translate what I don’t want into what I do want.
I want to be included in the family’s plans. If the plans change while I am at work, then I want to know. I want to matter enough that he does not forget me! I realize that I played a part. I could have called or sent a text that I am done early. The universal human needs are for inclusion and communication.

4. Requests- ask for what I want in a way that is doable and respectful.
When you were not here, I felt angry and sad. I was so disappointed and really wish that I had known where everyone was so I could join in. I wish I had let you know I was coming home early, and in the future I will try and communicate more timely.  Would you be willing to send me a text next time the plans change and tell me? And would you be willing to take your phone when you leave?

This process is simple… not always easy… but always simple. The request that I made is more likely to get me what I want than yelling and screaming and blaming others for my pain.

There are lots of Nonviolent Communication resources available online, and there are local resources as well. If you want to know more, drop me a note and I would be happy to link you up!

Someone recently said in a meeting, “It’s okay for him to hang up on me if it’s the best he can do, but it’s not okay for him to hang up if he has bad intent towards me.” I was so struck by this statement … my body reared up.

“You made yourself the object of the preposition!” I blurted. Golden grammar goddess was trying to express the pain that I was feeling deep in my gut, and the comment was just as curious to my friend as it was for me. I took a minute and was able to ask, “Where are you in this? If his intention is what you use as a guide, then you will need to perfect your mind reading skills.”

We sat for a minute, and I asked, “How does it feel when someone hangs up on you? Is it really okay…ever?” This prompted a different conversation.

I am curious if others have a reaction as well? And I am curious to know your thoughts… Is it ever okay to hang up on someone (and I do not mean a telemarketer or someone from “Dial M for Murder”).

This says it all… Thank you Ray Calabrese

In his article about the terrorist attacks on Mumbai’s historic Taj Hotel, Alix Spiegel shares that the employees risked their lives to care for the safety and security of the guests. It was not just one employee, but “dozens of workers — waiters and busboys, and room cleaners who knew back exits and paths through the hotel — chose to stay in a building under siege until their customers were safe. They were the very model of ethical, selfless behavior.”

Rohit Deshpande, a Harvard business professor, decided to study the case and proposes,”It perhaps has something to do with the kinds of people that they recruit to become employees at the Taj, and then the manner that they train them and reward them.” He found that employees are recruited not because of their degrees or educational standing but because of their personality characteristics… specifically respect and empathy.

This article inspired me today. Empathy matters in everything we do…

I often see parties spending time and energy trying to prove the other wrong. The belief seems to be, “they must be wrong for me to be right.” Sadly, the legal system promotes this kind of thinking. Build your case. Prove your story so it will trump the other story. This focuses our attention in the place of wrongness. And that is where resistance lives.

In truth, both stories can be right. Like the raven and the dove, life wears two faces.

Life wears two faces and one is no less real than the other. If everything were the same all of the time, there would be no variety, no excitement, and no balance. There would be no black to offset white, no sunset to finish the day that began with sunrise, and no warmth to chase away the cold. But that which gives your journey balance throughout this life also brings difficulty. In the end, it also brings a gift we often do not see. Life is not all sadness. Yet, without sadness we would not yearn for joy, and strive to find it, and treasure it when it comes.  (Joseph Marshall, The Art of Perseverance)

The two faces bring us balance… and they bring us information. When I see clearly what I don’t want, I can use this information to figure out what I DO want. I want to focus my attention in the place that holds my answers. I see this as part of my job in mediation – to support both parties in finding their answers by shining the light in the direction where they are most likely going to find their answers.

Mom- I do not want him to pick up the kids at our house. Every time he comes over he tries to come into the house, and we get into a fight. It’s not his house anymore! And I do not want his girlfriend to call. I will not deal with her about our children. She just talks and talks and tries to be all sweet, and I know it is all an act!
Me- So you want to transfer the children at some place other than your home.
Mom- yes
Me- and you want communication about the children only with dad?
Mom- No. If his girlfriend needs to talk to me about picking up the kids, I want her to send me a text.
Me- Okay that is clear. Where do you think would be a good place to transfer the kids?
Mom- I want to make the transfer at the McDonalds on Nolensville Road.

Now we are very clear about what the mom wants. She was able to shift from what she did not want to specifics about what she wanted.

Me- dad, are you willing to pick up the kids at McDonalds at 5pm on Fridays?
Dad- This is ridiculous! The only reason I come into the house is because the kids want to show me stuff. It’s their house too! She just can’t get over the past. She’s the one that keeps bringing stuff up. Like “did you bring my check?” Or “the kids have a school play at 4:00 next Thursday and need costumes.” Picking up the kids is not the right time to go there. She makes it difficult… not me. This is ridiculous.
Me- so you also want the transfer to be stress free.
Dad- yes.
Me- So what do you think would make the transfer less stressful?
Dad- well I guess if we did it at McDonalds then she wouldn’t make a scene in front of everybody else.
Me- so transferring the kids at McDonalds works for you?
Dad- yes.

Each party was able to make a decision that would meet their own needs when they shifted their focus. No one had to be proven wrong for a solution that works for everyone to be right…

A relationship becomes easier when you realize that you don’t have to be the one at fault to be the one who’s sorry. ~Robert Brault

I was recently facilitating a mediation with a lovely couple who had several years of conflict under their belts… big conflicts involving Orders of Protection and such. I spent about 45 minutes or so listening to what they did NOT want in their lives… then I asked a simple question.

Me- I hear very clearly what you do not want, and I am wondering if you can tell me what you DO want? And I am wondering if you would share that information with Mom?

Dad-long pause I am so sorry for everything that has happened in the past, and I really want to put that behind me. I want to co-parent with you for the sake of our son. I want to be able to communicate without getting into a fight, and I want a regular, consistent visitation schedule.

The shift in the air was palbable.

Me- Mom, would you be willing to repeat back to Dad what you heard him say?

Mom- long pause I heard him say he was sorry.

That’s all she was able to say before the tears started to fall. I imagine she had been wanting to hear that apology for quite some time.

The intensity of the release sat in the air for several minutes. And everything changed.

The power of the apology shifted the rest of the conversation. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

Great article over at Psych Central called “7 Steps to Develop Awareness of Your Feelings and Thoughts” by Athena Staik, Ph.D.

Very simply, you want to become aware of what you tell yourself inside so that you—rather than your emotions—direct your choices. Your happiness depends on it.

THE STEPS
1. Select a triggering situation to process.
2. Center yourself in the present with slow, deep breaths.
3. Identify and feel your emotions and feelings.
4. Feel and notice the location of any sensations in your body.
5. Accept your feelings, and be confident that you can handle the emotion(s) and sensations.
6. Identify what you tell yourself in your mind that is triggering any painful emotions.
7. Connect empathetically to understand and validate your experience.

This process mirrors the beginning of the process of “Transformation” as presented by Robert Gonzales. Robert’s work deepens the spiritual underpinnings of Nonviolent Communication in a way that can only be experienced…witnessed. He practices a process similar to Dr.Staik and adds the final connection to needs. The coup de grace.

Everything we do- every choice we make is an attempt to meet needs. Even when we are not aware, we are trying to meet our heart’s desires with every step and every word. When I can connect to myself at that place- at the heart of the matter- the magic starts to happen. Creative and previously elusive strategies start to emerge. It is pretty dang amazing!

Be a Mikey and "Try it, you'll like it."