I find it difficult to conform and follow rules or to cope with discipline. When the going gets really tough, I don’t get going. Instead I may try to flee down river and hide amongst the vast schools of fish swimming lazily around. However I’m not weak-willed enough to indulge in alcohol and drugs to escape. Alternatively, I pour out my emotions in creative arts. I put my emotions in music, short stories, idiotic writeups, or ridiculous ramblings, but never poetry, because I can’t write poetry if you hang me upside down over a lake full of crocodiles.

I seldom open up to those around me on a personal basis. Although I might be impractical and somewhat uneasy with the real world, I’m brave and prefer a lot of independence. I like to delve in spiritual matters and I’m fascinated by the occult, especially the connections it has with Quantum concepts like entanglement and teleportation. I tend to think that I’m psychic, because my dreams can be strange and portentous. I always remember one thing even if I get amnesia and forget everything else: I am the culmination of all that has gone before, I’m the symbol of death and eternity, I am the distillation of all the other signs. I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Yet I’m not Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

I nicked it from Astroyogi and added liberal amounts of masala to it.

I think the worst kind of loneliness that a person can feel is not having someone to ask you how your day went.
But wait for it.. it is a little more complicated than that. There may be people who will ask just for the sake of asking, and just when I stumble in front of them just by chance… They don’t count, as I really don’t wanna tell them how my day went, because I don’t care if they care.
You just cannot be friends with a person just because that person thinks highly of you.. the respect should be mutual. As Aristotle once said, “We should behave to friends as we would wish friends to behave to us.” Doesn’t always work; lemme tell you that!

The question is… do I deserve to suffer in this purdah, this state of forlorn desolation, because I am biased? I am selective in that there are only a handful of people who I consider my real friends, i.e. with whom I would share thoughts which I wouldn’t otherwise. And despite whatever they say… I keep wondering what they think of me. I mean I’m not sure if I’m expecting something from them which they cannot offer. As far as I can figure out, I demand only one thing from them.. talking to me. And they are not giving me the chance. This is not something I want in the friendship, but it is something I need.

They only thing I need to be considered worthy of.. is being worthy of talking to. I hope the people, whom this is meant for, understand what I’m trying to convey. Because they are not giving me a chance to convey this to them directly.

I hate being an eagle! I just want genuine people around me!

So, it seemed that fate got bored today and recalled it hadn’t played its cruel game with me for some time now. I got myself locked out of my apartment despite my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with doors. However, probably because fate was nice to a certain individual whom I threatened to drag along with me on my troubled journey, the incident was not as dramatic as my earlier trysts with unwarranted trouble. But it is definitely worth mentioning.

It all seemed to be another mundane day just like any of the days this week, partly because I really don’t have anything to do apart from hunting for a job, now that I graduated. The previous day, I had decided to start watching Lost. I started right from Season 1, which thankfully was in Hulu. After a marathon session of 5 episodes yesterday night, I woke up pretty late today morning. But I couldn’t help but watch another episode in the morning, so I quickly rushed down to get some cornflakes, and then started watching Lost Season 1 Episode 6. After that, I did my morning round of job applications, then decided I’ll clean the kitchen and throw out the trash. Yes.. Cleaning is my way of taking a time out.. (But I clean my own stuff, so don’t ask me to clean your apartment!)

I had trash bags in both hands. I was too lazy to climb up to get my wallet, which has the house key. I thought, the dumpster is just nearby; I’ll just turn the latch on the knob so that the door remains unlocked. I have this OCD of checking like 10 times if a door is locked whenever I leave anywhere. This time it was just that I checked if the knob was rotating from outside like a 10 times, before closing it. I quickly dropped off the trash and returned back, thinking that I will take a bath now and cook some delicious food. To my horror (yes.. I get horrified even if this happens to me time and again), the door knob was not turning. I was locked out!

Now I was in a real tricky situation. The door won’t open. My key was inside the apartment. Of the three people who had keys to the apartment, one had gone to India, one to Seattle and one was in Welcome, NC, about 2 hrs drive from my place. My cellphone was inside. My wallet was inside. I didn’t have a car. I was in a creased tee and shorts, hadn’t taken bath, had a stubble of 3 days on my face, an oily face and ruffled hair. I was like a homeless!

How did the door get locked despite me checking so many times? I kept wondering. The first thought which came to my twisted mind was that some thief saw me stepping out and jumped in to steal my stuff. He might’ve locked it after he escaped with my stuff. I said to myself, “Yeah right.. That’s one courteous thief who locks the door behind him when leaving. Use your brain, moron!” So I ruled out that possibility. (Well! Not completely, as you will know soon!)

I tried my luck with the back door, but that was obviously locked, so I couldn’t open it. Panicking, my next step was to call Srikanth, who was the nearest person with the keys. For that I needed two things: his number, and a cellphone to make the call. I needed a savior. Of course, there was my savior and friend extraordinaire right opposite to my apartment. I rang the doorbell of Lakshmi’s apartment, mentally listing out my course of action, starting with using her cellphone. I heard the turning of some latch for a second. Something was wrong! Generally they secure their door with like 20 locks and keys, so I always hear turning of latches for about 5 seconds before they open the door. Their door is like a safe. Anyway nothing was wrong other than she thinking that I was not in a presentable state to be let in (:P). I said it was an emergency, and she finally let me in.

I told her what happened, and being the nice person she is, she offered to take me all the way to get the key and back. “Oh yeah.. she does have a car”, I remembered. I was visibly tense, because I think she asked me about 8-10 times to sit down, but I didn’t sit down. I kept wondering if the thief was still hiding in my apartment, locking it from inside (even more ridiculous!),  so I kept peering through her window towards my apartment in the hope that I could catch the thief when he comes out. She made me some Bournvita, and narrated everything to her roommate, Priyanka. Priyanka, with her Gujju brains, came up with the idea of trying to pick the lock with a hair pin. I recalled that I’ve opened some doors using credit cards. So equipped with a hair pin and a credit card, we headed back to my apt. If we could avoid the 4 hour journey, it would be great. Would I get lucky in my misery?

We tried the card first. But the door was too tight for the card to fit in. Then we took turns and tried with the hairpin. Priyanka must’ve thought “What a geek!”, because I managed to wise-crack about how the tumblers inside the key work, and how lock-picking works, in the middle of all this. Alas! But knowledge is not everything, because both of us failed. I started contemplating the inevitable, when another group of friends saw us and came to check what the deal was. Don (Or was it Mavila?) suggested trying to slide the windows. If we are lucky enough, they might be unlocked. Sure enough, the kitchen window was unlocked. It was a tiny one, but I managed to climb into the kitchen. By that time, Priyanka had figured that the front window too was unlocked, and had climbed in through there.

Thus, I broke into my own apartment. I was in cloud nine. Lakshmi was also glad that she didn’t have to drive all the way and back. Yes! There was this small worry that we had forgotten to latch our windows, so any thief could have easily climbed in all these days. But it ultimately saved my day.

I mean, it could’ve been a lot worse

• The windows would all have been latched in which case we would have had to make that 2+2=4 hour journey.
• Suspicious neighbors could have called the cops when they saw us trying to break in
• My apartment could have been on the second floor, in which case I would have needed a ladder to climb in through the window.

We decided to have a lunch outside together. I didn’t bother changing. I asked Lakshmi if I look okay to go outside.
She said, “You look a beggar”.
“A happy beggar”, I said to myself.

http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/randomaccess/entry/passport-office-doesn-t-accept

Even I have had my share of woes once with the Passport office, once with the Village officer to get an educational loan from a bank, and once with a police station in Bangalore, to get an FIR filed.

I’m 27 year old now (that happened about 2 months back, yeah but the nerves to my hands don’t fire that fast these days), and trying (and succeeding to a degree) to convince my mom I don’t need a marriage yet. Now don’t stare stupidly; the figure is right – 27. And the grass on the other side of the hill is still green. I’m still having fun in life, albeit in parts.

I still look the same, still behave the same. You will not know that I’m 27 if I don’t tell you. Some people have even said, “Yeah right! Who are you trying to fool?”, when I tell them how old I am. Then I’d have to flash my Driver’s License to prove my age. Hey, but at least the waitress at Ruckus bar didn’t say to me “What do you want, Sweetie?” with motherly affection, unlike to some others.

Grad life and Facebook have nearly killed my blog, because I seldom find the words or time to express myself these days. I should devote more time to my blog (Yeah! I know!). It will start in mid-May, when I graduate, because I will have no job other than job hunting after that. But for now, bullet points.

• I still am, among other things, weird, emotional, outspoken and dreamy.
• I still can joke with a straight face, and people will keep wondering whether that was a serious statement or a joke.
• In the last two years, I changed from a well-paid money launderer to a broke grad student with absolutely zero bank balance.
• I started learning the piano with a little bit of help.
• Useless TV shows which I never miss – 24, The Big Bang Theory, House, WWE and Idea Star Singer
• KBCT (Kerala born Confused Tamilian) syndrome will kick in next year if there is an IPL team called Cochin Coconuts. Who will I support then? CSK or CC? Oh… I still don’t like Cricket.. But IPL is different.. I already miss the MRF Blimp.
• Talking about IPL, I got curious about Karbonn Mobile after seeing the utter plug(Utter in NITC lingo=very bad… Of pathetic quality. Short for atrocious) of Karbonn Kamaal Katch. I checked the Store locator, and sure enough, the default location was Kunnamkulam-Kerala.
• For non-mallus, Kunnamkulam is the infamous place where you get low quality duplicates of any brand in the world.. Examples which I have seen include “NESTEL KATKIT” chocolate and “BISMILLARI” bottled water.
• Fun Resolution #1: I will sweep the Bohemian off her feet, come Fall 2010. If nothing else works, I have a few banana skins handy for her to step on and slip, but I.Am.Gonna.Make.Her.Fall.For.Me. (The Bohemian Gimmick is getting a bit trite.. for those who know.. so this is probably the last one.)
• Fun Resolution #2: I am going to start saving money to buy an Audi A8. Then I will hunt Lakshmi down, wherever in the world she is, and show that I now have a car with a V8 engine, much better than a V6 engine. I will even show V8 written in the back of my car, and say “Dandanakka!”
• Fun Resolution #3: I am really gonna walk around Avent Ferry Rd wearing a white blanket over my head at 1am, just to freak people out. But I hope the 911 will ignore calls about sighting of ghosts.

That’s all I can think from the back of my mind right now.. I don’t wanna write anything serious in this post. They are reserved for a string of future ones starting in about a fortnight.

I hope I get my funny charm back by then.

Now seriously!
Sunglasses have a very high importance in India. They are regarded as the ultimate level of machismo in Indian circles. At least that’s what I have figured. I will attempt to present my point with some events, during the course of which I may refer to some anonymous faces, which may be recognizable by at least a few people reading this. I will not tell the names here.

I have owned sunglasses for quite some time, but rarely used them in India because of two reasons primarily, the more important one of which I will talk about later. The lesser of the reasons is that I started wearing contact lens only 2 years back, while I have worn glasses since my 4th. I thought of it as rather a nuisance to carry two pair of glasses, and switching back and forth whenever I was outside or inside a building.

A few weeks after I came to NCSU for my studies, a friend told me, “Every Tom, Dick and Harry wears a sunglass here”. I mean, what’s the big deal? Why does someone wearing a sunglass stand out in the eyes of an Indian? I am at a loss to answer why. But I think I know how.

I consider sunglasses more as a convenience than a style statement. The vast majority of Indians think exactly the other way around. What they don’t understand, is the very fact that it is an useful item. I wear sunglasses when it is sunny, because that’s what sunglasses are for. I wear sunglasses when it is snowing, because studies have shown that a great deal of UV is reflected off the snow, and it is always a good idea to wear sunglasses.

A friend of mine once asked whether I was wearing sunglasses to show off.
When I gave my reasoning, he mocked me in the typical style only a Malayalee can talk in, “As if you wore sunglasses your whole life. You didn’t bother about UV and dust and other stuff while you were in India. You started wearing only after coming to US.” Most Malayalees have this bad habit of making fun of people who break convention. I remember another guy asking me to pick up littered newspapers on the road after I wrote this. Being a Malayalee myself, it is sad to see that most are a bunch of hypocritical 2 year olds who refuse to grow up.

Coming back to the case of sunglasses, the answer for that is the bigger, more important reason. It is better explained by the fact that even in US, when I freely wear sunglasses whenever it is bright outside, any known Indian face I meet on the way will make a comment about my sunglasses. “Bada cool dikh raha hai yaar”
Why don’t they leave my poor sunglasses alone? They are a pair of dilapidated old glasses, which have been mutilated more than once, including me sitting on a bag with them inside, and then having to bend the frame back to its normal shape. It is not worth $5 in craigslist. I don’t wear them because I want to look cool. I wear them because I don’t want to squint. I would have worn it in India too, if not for the reason that there would be 100 Indians instead of 10 that I would meet in the course of a day. It once even went to the point that a girl who was introduced to me one evening identified me. She said, “I saw you today morning, wearing sunglasses and all.” Believe me, at the very second, I was like “Why am I even talking to her?”, not because she made fun of me, but because of the hint that I was being pompous.

Now, imagine the horror of wearing sunglasses in India, if this was the case with a handful of Indian diaspora in US. You will have a hundred eyes thrust upon you wherever you go. And hundred is not an exaggeration because India is so populous, it is not difficult to find hundred people in a course of 1 mile.

My thesis that most Indians wear sunglasses only when they have to show off is cemented by a fact which you can notice if you are an Indian. I have seen countless Indians take out their precious Ray Ban from the closet, and polish them spick-and-span, whenever they are going on a vacation. In short, for them, they are meant to be worn only when you are going on a holiday. This has happened in my trip with my friends in US last summer too. I have never seen them wear sunglasses otherwise. Heck, I have even seen one photo in Facebook, where there was a guy who put his normal glasses on his head, then put on a pair of sunglasses on his eyes.. all just to pose for a holiday photo. (Deductive reasoning.. The fact that there are two glasses on his head suggests that it was an impromptu decision.)

To conclude, I will mention a funny incident that Kunal told us. He was talking about the accent of some people in Delhi. You will be standing by the roadside. They come with leather jacket and expensive aviator sunglasses. Then they ask in unrefined Hindi, “Bhaisaab. Tame kya hua?” (Sir, what’s the time? And he *does* say “tame” for “time”) You will literally be shocked if you weren’t from Delhi. That is because seeing the sunglasses, you would not have expected crass language from him. That’s how stereotyped sunglasses are.

The fact is that if you wear sunglasses, it will attract the attention of every single Indian in sight, whether you want it or not. Whether it is a constructive one or a destructive one, is completely out of your hands. The only choice you have is whether to be a robot or an alien.

It is one of the idiosyncrasies of an Indian.
Welcome to Incredible India!

1.
SS: Why didn’t you come to the Halloween party?
Me: I was there.
SS: Oh really, what costume?
Me: The Invisible Man

2.
Me (after the MAITRI Diwali night): The name MAITRI (NCSU Indian Grad Student Assoc.) makes sense. By charging $3 for the party, they are making me part with MY THREE dollars.

3.
(Not exactly what transpired, but this version is better)
My mom: Kiran bought a car. That’s huge!!!
Me: You mean, like a Limo?

4.
Obama snatched the Nobel Prize from me.. Now I’m gonna try for the No-Whistle prize.

5.
MB: The Harry Potter 3D scenes were not actually shot in IMAX. They were digitally enhanced.
Me: Digitally enhanced? That reminds me of Pamela Anderson. Silicon is a part of anything digital, and she did some “enhancement” with Silicon.

6.
FB status: I saw her. I felt that the force was strong with that one. It indeed was! Now I have five fingers engraved on my cheek! God! I should stop watching Star Wars!

7.
Me: I see two hot chicks in front of KFC, and the first thought that comes to my mind is “Oh boy! They are in a dangerous neighborhood”

8.
Me: What if a house stands right through a timezone border in US? Will half of the house be 1 hour ahead of the other half?

9.
FB Status: Facebook suggested “Wed at 12:24 pm”. I thought, “Okay. Do I at least get to know who I’m gonna wed?” Then I realized it meant Wednesday!

10.
Me: I was wondering…. Saas sans saans is just a dead mother-in-law.

So, just for the record.. just to prove that my jokes are actually good.. just to make you regret calling me a bad joker.. here’s a mashup of bad jokes, good jokes, puns and (as some people call it) being a jerk, which I cracked out of spontaneity, and can now recall.
I am so sorry folks, but you unleashed this onto yourselves. You called me bad.

Note: Some names have been changed for anonymity, or because I had no idea who that was.

ARN: Kate is hot. But I think Megan is hotter.
Me: Yeah… Megan is like Kate in an oven.

DAG: I just had 2 shots of Vodka and I got high.
PS: What? It is not called “getting high”. You don’t get high on drinking alcohol.
Me: Yes you will. If you are on the second floor while drinking, you are about 10 feet high above the ground.

Me: Why do we have smelling feet and running nose? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Me: There are two types of Bengalis in the world – Sen’s and Non-Sen’s

Me: I think the Danish people actually immigrated from West Bengal.
ARN: Why? (Making an expression of regret that he prompted, the very next second)
Me: Because everyone’s name ends with a Sen in Denmark.

Me: Women make men complete! On second thought, Raymonds suit also does!

Malayalam
———
Ge: ഞാന്‍ പിന്നിട്ട വഴികളിലേക്ക് തിരിഞ്ഞു നോക്കുമ്പോള്‍…
Me: നിന്നോട് ആരാടാ വഴിയില്‍ pin ഇടാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞത്? അത് ആരുടെയെങ്കിലും കാലില്‍ തറചാലോ?

That’s all I can remember now. I hope some of you enjoyed them, but my real satisfaction will come when some of you bang your head against the wall out of frustration. This list will grow in future.

This one is an interesting tag. All you have to do is google for “<first_name> needs”, where you replace <first_name> with your first name, and list out 10 interesting and sensible sentences from the results that you get. Also add your commentary with each sentence, so that we know what your thoughts are about Google’s thoughts.

1. Deepak needs a girl
– Haha.. Some of my friends keep telling me this. But I can find one myself, thank you very much. I just don’t have time right now.

2. Deepak needs to comes to terms with the fact that he cannot dispassionately evaluate the hearts of conservatives or their paradigm [of] life.
– Although I don’t approve of the conservative theology, I wonder… Did I offend some conservatives recently? (BTW, This entire sentence did come up in the Google result! Do you think I’m capable of making up stuff like this? Okay.. well. I am, but I haven’t. )

3. Deepak needs to get his damn facts straight.
– Yeah right!

4. Deepak needs a good sponsorship deal.
– I wouldn’t say no to that!

5. Deepak needs to buy a biology book.
– For what? I already know all “important” stuff.

6. Deepak needs to stick to speaking which he does well.
– Opinions differ on my speaking ability.

7. Deepak needs to know that people love reality but that too in a fiction like manner.
– Hey. Don’t I do that already? Don’t I add bountiful amounts of bells and whistles (a.k.a masala in Indian circles) to all my stories.

8. Deepak needs to go. Now.
– The only result which makes some sense!

9. Deepak needs to take a bow.
– What about arrows then? A bow is useless without arrows.

10. Deepak needs no introduction at all.
– Hear! Hear!

The following people are tagged:

• Rinchen Dorjee – Wake up, dear senior! (Although I don’t deserve to say this when I’m asleep myself!)
• Rahul – Serious guy. But lets see if he has a funny side, and time to kill.
• Kandy – Just to see if he gets 10 results at all with his uncommon name.
• Lakshmi – Friend, GTalk comrade, and chatterbox.

1. cracking really good (or bad?) PJs (poor jokes a.k.a. pun)
2. people who really make some impact in the world whether in a large scale, or in grassroot level
3. talking to people
4. listening to people who talk and are ready to listen back
5. the fact that I never hold grudges
6. when I always give people a second chance to be good
7. people who are open to the possibility that their religious principles may be imperfect and needs constant tuning
8. smell of fresh rain
9. free hugs (or “Jadoo Ki Chappi”)
10. to wear seatbelts
11. to drive fast and safe
12. cryptic crosswords
13. Jennifer Aniston
14. anything made of potatoes
15. spirituality
16. knowing more about cultures around the world
17. movies
18. the sheer beauty of life

I hate…

1. when someone asks, “So why don’t you tell me a PJ?” PJs have to come spontaneously
2. candlelight protests which don’t seem to convey anything useful to anyone
3. introverts who don’t open up even after I try hard to include them in a conversation
4. people who boast
5. when I have sudden bursts of anger
6. when people don’t give me a second chance to show that the angry me is not the real me
7. people who are narrow-minded with respect to religion
8. smell of Chinese soy sauce
9. any kind of formality at my home
10. when people break traffic rules
11. sitting on the other front seat when someone else is driving
12. riddles
13. Aiswarya Rai
14. anything with Coriander/Cilantro added in it
15. materialism
16. when people have a very cliched view of my culture
17. killing sentient animals for food, sport and vanity
18. Cricket
19. people who don’t know how to value life

This list will keep growing.