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Joseph Kinzer would rather skip the whole biography thing and thinks we’re better off for it.

“That’s a very important question, honey! Let’s play a little game, okay?”

“I like games!”

“Okay, repeat after me: Would you like fries with that?”

 “I don’t get it, mommy.”

“That’s what the people who work at Burger King say. They’re working at what’s called a poverty-wage job.”

“What’s that, mommy?”

“That’s a job where no matter how hard you work you’re always poor. Do you want to be poor and serve fries the rest of your life?”

“Why do people have to be poor, mommy?”

“Don’t worry about that, honey. Get good grades in school so you can get into a good college. Then get good grades in college so you can get a job with a good salary. And then get good reviews at your job so you can get even better salaries. Then you can pay off the loan you needed to go to a good college.”

“College costs money?”

“A lot of money! But if you get a good job that pays enough money to pay off the loan for college, then you can afford all kinds of other things. Such as our nice house. Do you know how much our nice house costs?”

“Hundreds of dollars?”

“Oh, honey, you make mommy laugh!”

“Did I make a joke?”

“Honey, our house costs half a million dollars!”

“Really? Wow!”

“This is why having a well-paying career is the most important thing. Also, every month you’ll need to put some money into a retirement plan, so when you get old you won’t be poor. You’ll also need money for a car. And also for food and clothes and fun things like movie tickets.”

“Wow, I’m going to need a lot of money!”

“Do you understand now why it’s so important to do well in school?”

“I sure do, mommy!”

“There aren’t nearly enough good jobs to go around. If you don’t become a winner and get a good job, you’ll be a loser who’s stuck with a bad job.”

“You mean a job where you say Do you want fries with that?”

“Honey, you’re so smart! That’s a good sign you won’t be a loser. If you want to be a winner, the most important thing is to attach yourself to a company with potential. Convince the company how much you care about them. Do whatever it takes to help your company succeed.”

“Okay.”

“But it’s important to never forget that the company doesn’t care about you.”

“It doesn’t?”

“It’s nothing personal, honey. Employees are a company’s biggest expense, and a company can only stay competitive by reducing expenses.”

“Mommy, I’m confused. I’m supposed to care about a company that wants to get rid of me?”

“Honey, you’re so smart! You’re going to do so well in the economy.”

“I am?”

“And if you do really good at giving your life for the economy, then you can afford to buy all kinds of things to distract you. It’s really important to buy lots of things so you don’t know that you’re not happy.”

“I’m not?”

“Well maybe you are now, but you won’t be when you’re a grown-up.”

“I won’t?”

“You’ll totally lose track of the joy of being alive, if you haven’t lost it already.”

“Oh, I haven’t lost it, mommy! Sometimes I’ll notice colors and they’re totally amazing! And sometimes I’ll be super happy for no reason. I’ll be so happy I think I’m going to explode in happiness, and it will be an explosion of rainbows and glitter. Mommy, do you have feelings like that?”

“The only way I can experience something even close to that is by getting drunk.”

“I don’t understand why people want to get drunk.”

“Honey, you say that now. But just wait until you’re a grown-up.”

“Mommy, in school I learned about global warming and climate change. Also, I heard about peak oil. Oil is running out and everything is going to get really bad.”

“Oh honey, don’t worry about that. There’s plenty of oil left for this generation.

“But mommy, if we keep burning oil, global warming will get even worse.”

“Don’t worry about that honey. It’s the next generation when it’s going to get really bad.”

“But mommy, I’m the next generation.”

“Oh, sorry honey. I meant the next generation after you.”

“But mommy, what if I have kids when I grow up?”

“Well, honey, I’m sure you’ll love them just as much as I love you.”

“But what about global warming and peak oil?”

“Honey, you can waste your time on questions like that. Or you can be practical.”

“You mean like going to school and getting good grades?”

“Exactly! I want you to do very good in school and get a very good job and make lots of money.”

“I love you too, mommy!”

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Scott Erickson is an award-winning writer of humor and satire. His most recent book is LAUGHING AT OUR SELF-DESTRUCTION: How to Stop Worrying and Accept the Impending Collapse of Human Civilization. His website is www.scott-erickson-writer.com

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Mason Whitfield is a somewhat good wannabe cartoonist straight from the nowhere places of North Carolina and who might as well have been drawing since the womb. Or maybe just as long as he’s been in school to pass the time. He really in enjoys weird humor, and if you want to find more cartoons like this you can just find him here: https://www.deviantart.com/markerkid

Dear students,

In light of the recent severe drop in temperature, we here at the university are quite worried that you might freeze to death. We want to make sure that you don’t. And we are going to do that by telling you not to.

Stay indoors as much as possible. Don’t go outside unless absolutely necessary. Your Introduction to Leisure Studies course counts as absolutely necessary.

We hope that you wouldn’t die from the cold. We suggest that you don’t die from the cold. We warn you to not die from the cold. There is virtually no death toll high enough for us to cancel a day of class, but we’re practically begging you to not die from the cold.

Hypothermia can set in within as little as 10 minutes. Make sure you live within 10 minutes’ walk to your classrooms. If you don’t live within 10 minutes’ walk to your classrooms, make sure you do. If there’s no housing at all within 10 minutes’ walk from your classrooms, make sure you get to your classrooms within 10 minutes’ walk.

When you come to campus, it’s best if you don’t get outdoors to do it.

If you’re from a tropical area, you might not realize how cold it’s gonna be. It’s gonna be super cold. Don’t underestimate it and wear appropriate clothing. They say that it’s usually the ignorance that kills you, not the cold. Remember that. Remember that the cold doesn’t kill you. Don’t blame it on the cold.

Refrain from traveling on weekends. If you’re fine after traveling on weekends but freeze to death while in school, we will be quite offended.

Uncontrolled breathing, intense shivering, and loss of coordination are all signs of hypothermia. Identifying these hypothermia-related symptoms is very important for you to know exactly what you’re dying from. We also urge you to not feel these symptoms while coming to school so that you don’t get hypothermia.

If an Extreme Cold Warning is declared, that means it’s gonna be extremely cold. Like, holy shit, I can’t believe how cold it is. Like, it’s gonna be really tough, guys. The Extreme Cold Warning is our ultimate acknowledgement of how freaking cold it is. Like, oh my God, this one is cold. Above is pretty much the full meaning of the Extreme Cold Warning.

We’re always here for you. If you need any support about the harsh winter weather, please contact our harsh-winter security guards by calling their personal phone numbers if you happen to be their relatives or friends. You are also always welcome to visit our Office of Harsh Weather and Ice Stuff, which is one corner desk somewhere on campus.

If your professor cancels their class, hooray! That’s the best thing to do when the weather is fatally freezing. Congratulations on having a reasonable professor. We are so happy for you that your chances of dying this week decreases a little bit. We make it very clear to all our teaching staff that classes should never be cancelled, but we secretly hope that they do it anyways. We really don’t see any better way to keep you guys safe than secretly hoping that our staff don’t obey direct orders from the schoolboard.

In cases of emergency, call 911 immediately for police or medical services. Don’t mention us, though.

Statistically, students who follow our Twitter/Instagram account last year were 1.5% less likely to die from the cold. Do what you will with that information.

Love and, ironically, warmth,

Office of Safety

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Yisa Sun gets her entire personality from YouTube. She writes. She would love to call herself a writer, but really she just eats gooseberries most of the time. She currently lives in an apartment that is technically a bedroom.

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Joseph Kinzer would rather skip the whole biography thing and thinks we’re better off for it.