I just found out about “scopophobia” – the morbid fear of being stared at. For most of my life, social anxiety has been present and a large part of it is about the fear of being seen and acknowledged.

In a weird way, I have always felt invisible OR hypervisible¹ – I have no idea how that works but it is what it is. It might be that I don’t consider myself to be real, and when I am acknowledged it’s confronting and shocking to me? I remember feeling like a ghost when I have been really sick.

When I was a lot fatter it was even more of an issue for me and I don’t think that’s imaginary – people dismiss and discount fat people’s existence but they also target fat people to ostracise and embarrass them. My social anxiety was absolutely at its height when I was very fat.

At my current body size, my anxiety about being hypervisible has mostly evaporated. I must stress this part though: I do not think that reducing the body is the solution for this phobia, the issue is cultural. It is fatmisia (fat hatred). My social anxiety has always been present but the cultural hatred and exclusion of the fat body aggravated my existing mental disorder.

When you leave the house and can’t fit into seating, find clothes that fit, health workers dismiss your valid health concerns² and blame it on fatness, your job opportunities are limited, people look at you and even say hateful things to you/ about you… you don’t feel welcome in the world. The world doesn’t want to include you. I think that falls into a failing of our culture, an active malevolence and violence against the fat body. It’s not necessarily a mental disorder.

1. I was first introduced to the paradox of invisibility/ hypervisibility through the writing of black women. Particularly fat black women. Many of those writings were in the 00s and a lot of blogs have been deleted from the internet which is absolutely tragic. This is a scholarly article on the topic as it applies to black women. ︎
2. I am not fond of the medicalised term “obese” but a lot of research uses it and while a lot of the research validates fat embodiment and experience it also reinforces the pathologisation of the fat body instead of recognising that disadvantage is also due to capitalism, social abuse and physical exclusion (amongst other things.) ︎

Having never used a Lekala pattern before, I was sceptical. I rounded up all my cabbage and eked the pieces out of a polyester tartan suiting and the lining from a gorgeous cotton sateen border print that I’d liberated the border from for a dress. First of all, the instructions are worse than Style Arc, if that is possible. I had fully lined a vest and done welt pockets in the past but I needed refreshers. If I had to rely on those instructions solely, there would be no vest. Just ribbons of fabric, shredded by my desperate hands.

Hot tips for waistcoat success:

How to sew welt pockets.

How to fully line a vest.

In my recent laser cutting order for Fancy Lady Industries I filled up the “dead” spaces with buttons for myself and friends. This was the perfect opportunity to road test them! Honestly, I’m not jazzed by laser cut buttons because the edges are too square and they don’t slip easily in and out of the button hole. I have a fantasy of making moulds of my cool vintage buttons and casting some rad resin button sets!

On this toile I interfaced the entire front outer pieces with woven fusible interfacing. I was hoping it would behave and not bubble but alas… bubbling and misbehaviour. I think I may be lead down the path of non-fusible sew-in interfacing in the future but I’ll have to research how to do it effectively… I think pad stitching may be involved? Surely having the interfacing layer as a kind of interlining doesn’t stabilise the fabric as well as a fusible? I may chase this query down a tailoring rabbit hole.

I am pretty chuffed with the result and I’m now a confirmed waistcoat wearer. This outfit features a blouse based on McCall’s M5640 with an added longer puffy sleeve, and some Arthur pants. Holy shit, I haven’t blogged about the Sew Liberated Arthur pants yet? WOW. I have made three pair and they are bloody delightful.

Back to the waistcoat and upon seeing these photos on my computer display I realise I need to drop the bust dart down 5cm or so. Sometimes I can look at the mirror and a photo and see things entirely differently? I also need to wear my glasses, clearly!

For my second waistcoat I used a remnant of black stretch denim and scooped out the neckline as well as took a few cm off the shoulder. The bust darts remain perky at this stage! The lining is recycled from the skirt of a dress I stuffed up a few years ago. I loved the print so much I couldn’t bear to get rid of it entirely.

I did not interface the entire front pieces this time, instead just the area around the welt pockets for some reinforcement. This vest wanted to be lived-in and casual. I still had an annoying time with the welts because of the stretch in the fabric and not having a sharp piece of chalk to mark the position. I need to find the perfect chalk pencil because I’ve not had any luck in recent years, and unfortunately in the haberdashery departments they’re usually packaged up so you can’t test them. Taking recommendations if you have any, please and thankyou!

Oh dear those dart points are very There, aren’t they?

The culottes are the infamous Winslows, another pattern I haven’t blogged about yet. I am terrible at matching up polka dots, or any other pattern, so I’m not really keen to showcase this particular pair of pants!

I’m very happy with my vests and envision at least one more in a fabric I have sitting in my shopping cart on the Remnant Warehouse’s site. Please remind me to lower that dart though.

I cut everything out on a single layer and made marks on the pattern pieces and quadruple checked and compared and and and… well I failed. Some of the checks align on the side seams but I’m going to hope other sewists don’t judge me too heavily when I wear these outside. But for a toile these turned out great! Ideally I’d have cut the full length pants but Past Natalie just bought lengths of fabric willy-nilly. Who am I kidding? Unless I have a pattern in mind, Current Natalie does this as well!

I made the size 30 apple fit and was amazed that I didn’t have to change anything. I will be unpicking the zig zagged elastic back waistband (guh) and shortening the elastic by 5cm, as I’ve since made another pair and prefer the waistband a little more snug.

And here are the finished pants, looking slightly inspired by turn of the century cycling knickerbockers. Someone suggested I tuck them into some socks and honestly it’s a stylistic choice I demand to see back in vogue.

You’ll also notice this lovely green floral/ gingham knotted front collared shirt. This is the Gilbert top by Helen’s Closet and it’s a smashing sew. I love sewing collared shirts and I’ve made a tonne for Nick but we need to tweak his shirt pattern as it’s not fitting as well as it used to. This floral and gingham combo (another purchase from my former work!) was initially earmarked for a Nick shirt but I decided to use it all for myself!

I knotted the shirt for the above photos in a weird instagram way, by threading each tie up through the space between the lower two buttons. This made the top a lot more midriff baring than it actually is!

I’m a terrible blogger because I can’t remember if I made the size 26 or 28, but again no alterations to the pattern! Oh, I did reduce the size of the pocket after this first shirt, but that’s the extent of it. In the past I’ve had to do a forward shoulder and a broad back alteration in most shirts and dresses but I’m stoked I didn’t have to do any of that with the Gilbert.

For my next two Gilberts I omitted the tie front by cutting straight across at the hem line for view A. The white striped cheesecloth type fabric is from The Remnant Warehouse and oh my, it’s very sheer. I’ll make some neon tank tops to go underneath and bam, my summer uniform is done baby! You can see how I’ve shrunk the pocket down for the white and navy tops below.

This navy cotton sateen is yet again, a Bargain Box purchase. God I miss that shop!! This is not the stretch sateen I see so much of, it’s the classic stuff with one shiny side. I opted to put the shiny side on the inside and you can STILL see the “wrong” side has a sheen! It’s truly lovely fabric to sew and wear.

I love the satisfaction of finishing a collared garment. I’d just made a real bummer of a pattern and needed a win so I started this navy top. The Gilbert has absolutely beautiful finishing methods and I just love how all the guts are tucked away inside the back yoke.

The next pants on my list are the Sew Liberated Arthurs and Muna and Broad’s Noice jeans. I may need some moral support on my jeans making journey! I haven’t worn non-elastic waist jeans in over 10 years. Gulp.

For my toile I decided on a polyester faille that I bought 10 metres of, probably because it was cheap. I don’t wear polyester because I’m a Sweaty Betty so I’d like to know what Past Natalie was smoking when she made this decision. It does have a lovely drape and swish though, and I figured it’d be a good spring house dress.

I made a 3X and only veered from the pattern when it came to the length (added 10cm) and the sleeve (omitted the band). The unbanded sleeve in conjunction with the print felt so muumuu-like that I decided to hem them and celebrate my free bingo wings! Technically a muumuu hangs from the shoulder, but this has a waist seam so it’s not a true garment in the Hawaiian style.

My second Artists House Dress is a recycled Waikerie dress in animal print rayon. I love the Waikerie pattern but in this version I cut the bodice on the fold instead of making a button front and the neckline was too high and I was too lazy to cut another facing and… well let’s just say it was all my own fault. Fortunately this worked in my favour since I had enough fabric in the voluminous skirt to cut an AHD!

For this AHD I gathered the sleeves into the band and they are so lovely and bouncy. I just love wearing rayon and I’ll be wearing this dress a lot come summer!

When I can afford more fabric I’m going to be making another one of these with a three tier skirt. It just feels like a perfect addition and would make a very romantic picnicking dress. I can’t remember the last time I picnicked to be honest, struggling to get up and down off the ground sounds very unromantic to me.

I cut a 4x and got a bit clever by cutting the back yoke, shoulder yokes and waist casing on the cross. But youse all, there were so many pieces in this pattern I was actually exhausted once I finished cutting out! Not such a bad thing, you know, because I wanted a bit of a challenge. I didn’t make any alterations to the pattern, for this first toile I wanted to see exactly how it would sit on my body. I was pleased to try on the dartless bodice and find that it fit well! Nick did say I looked a little Amish. It’s kind of true that the design is somewhat modest, but I’ve never really sewn anything that showed much skin!

For my next Davenport, I will be lowering the neckline. I don’t like how it feels on me, and I think a lowered neckline will go some way towards alleviating the “modest” vibe of the dress. I also want a more voluminous skirt. Ideally I would make this out of a rayon because I think the draping would give this dress a more romantic feel. I have my eye on a few rayon prints that I can pair with other smaller prints to contrast on the shoulder yokes, waist casing and skirt frill. I absolutely love how people have pattern clashed on their Davenports.

All up, a fun sew with no pattern drafting issues! Now I have my eye on the Wilder gown…

Isn’t there something very powerful about sewing all the garments we wished we had when we were young and unable to buy clothing for ourselves? I could happily leave the power shoulders of the 80s and early 90s but as for the big neon prints, tiny floral prints, ginormous collars and ruffled hems – come with me, I am taking all of you into my Forties!

I’m working through my stash so when it came to fabric choice I was somewhat limited. I pulled out 5 metres of this cotton print which was only 112cm wide and thanked Past Natalie for buying extra. Because of the narrow width I had to cut the skirt into panels but this was a toile and the busy blue and pink floral would mostly disguise the seams so I wasn’t terribly bothered. The frill would definitely need to be a contrasting fabric to break up the blooming mayhem and fortunately I had just enough plain pink poplin to do the job.

I do have a couple of bones to pick with the Bakerloo. The grading up into the largest sizes went awry somewhere along the line, and the formed dart had a big butt protruding from the side. I even pressed it up to see if it was trued that way but it wasn’t. The side seam of the front thus curved once the dart was constructed so I had to ease it into the straight edge of the back piece. Also the size guide piece for the ruffle is far too short for the size 28 collar. I don’t know if these issues present in the smaller size range but it’s frustrating that they weren’t corrected for the larger sizes because it makes one feel like an afterthought.

Nevertheless, when I hemmed the skirt and sewed on the button (a freebie from a magazine I bought years ago) I was excited to try it on. I slipped it over my head without undoing the button, turned to the mirror and gasped. Could it be the most popular girl in school, with the prettiest dress!? All I was missing was a large poufy fringe and some patent leather shoes.

The fit was really good for a toile, even considering that drafting fumble with the side seam. The collar: absolutely massive. The pockets: functional and mandatory. The print: floral chaos. Where am I going to wear this thing? I don’t know but if there’s a school dance coming up all the other kids are going to eat my sartorial dirt.

The Caramiya Caladium jumpsuit came up in my sewing travels and I bought it because it looked simple and so cool, but I hadn’t done any sewing in about a year so the file sat on my computer and percolated for a while.

In 2018 I bought a 2 metre length of the Cheeky Dogs print from Injalak Arts, an awesome art centre in Gunbalanya, Northern Territory, that has a bunch of brilliant First Nations surface pattern designers (amongst other artisans) who produce hand screened fabric prints. Like the Caramiya jumpsuit, this length of beautiful cotton has been tucked away in my stash waiting for a garment to do it justice. Unfortunately I only bought a 2m length, as there were no 3m lengths available at the time. Every project I brought to the Cheeky Dogs was turned down due to lack of yardage!

This week, fresh off some test sewing that I hope to be able to share soon, I decided the time for the Caladium had come. And I had a little germ of an idea that I could combine another too-short length of Ikea fabric with the Injalak Arts print as they are similar weights. But it’d be a bit of a pattern clash! After conferring with Instagram, we decided it was ON!

In my first version of the jumpsuit I discovered the waist did indeed need some length so I added about 6.5cm for this iteration. I cut a size 24-26 and used a 1cm seam allowance as I was only juuuuust eking into that size. The pattern suggests making 1.5″ (3.8cm) bias tape but I was lazy and used premade 12mm bias.

It’s a simple and satisfying make, taking me about 4 hours as I fiddle faddle, day dream and take breaks as per usual when I am sewing. I actually made the first and second jumpsuits in one day so you have absolutely no excuse not to muslin!

This morning I woke up and figured if I was in the sewing mood I simply must make up some more masks because all the ones I made last year have evaporated into the aether. I love that I can coordinate with my jumpsuit now!

I’m a big fan of this reversible style. The wide legs are so freeing and not at all like the leg prisons of skinny jeans we’ve all been wearing for 20 years. I am so excited about the wide leg revival! The crotch seam hasn’t ridden up while I’ve been walking around the house but all bets are off when you’re out in public. Clothes have a way of sneaking up on you.

It’s a surprisingly cold winter here in South East Queensland, as indicated here by my wearing of a long sleeve. Yes, I can hardly believe a three quarter length sleeve is not cutting it this year! I envision a LOT of summertime jumpsuit wearing because it’s just perfect for humid days like we have here, that is if you make it in cotton!

My plan is to buy some pink and red drill and concoct a Valentines themed jumpsuit!

“Have you thought about weight loss surgery?” I’ve been asked this approximately 462,623 times in my colourful career as a 40 year old super fat lady but it was this particular moment in my psychiatrist’s office in January that got me. For the last few years I’ve been in and out of the psychiatric hospital doing TMS treatments and med changes and I came to my psychiatrist pleading for another option. I’ll do ECT. Yes, I’ll do that terribly stigmatised treatment that causes a shudder to pass over my body as I recall my grandmother’s experiences and every bloody horror movie set in a psych ward. My doctor awkwardly shifted in her chair and said it wasn’t an option because of my weight and issues with the anaesthetic. 

Then she asked The Question every fat person dreads. I never thought it’d be asked by a psychiatrist, of all medical professionals. We’re here to deal with my problematic brain, aren’t we? I never answered her question except to sob for the rest of the appointment. My friends, mostly fat neutral and fat positive minded folks, did their best to howl her down yet my mind was teetering on the edge of something unfathomable. 

Do the thing Natalie. Give in to the thing. On this side we have more medical options. We have seats you can fit into. Physical spaces designed by humans to be unkind to your body will instead welcome you! Imagine having a bigger range of clothing to buy from, not to mention sewing patterns! 

My next endocrinologist appointment settled it. After 24 years as a type 1 diabetic, my insulin resistance was increasing and my blood glucose control was slipping. My two biggest challenges, my mental health and my diabetes were now asking me to choose between better treatment, or poor health outcomes. I asked her to refer me to a damn bariatric surgeon. I was expecting a little celebratory jig from her though sadly I was disappointed. To my surprise she hesitated before writing her referral and asked if I was sure, which garnered some respect from me honestly!

I went through a rollercoaster paradigm shift, let me tell you dear reader. Two weeks of mind bending internal beef between ideology and my medical reality. I came out of it deciding to see the bariatric surgeon and hear what he had to say. He was a nice guy for a stomach butcher, even showed me the METRE LONG implement he uses to do the job. At the end of the appointment he ushered me out and told me to think about it. I was ready to sign up right then. I was neck deep and the water was a comfortable temperature after all. I called up a few days later and had to book another appointment to confirm I wanted to go ahead with the surgery. It would be a mini gastric bypass. 

Despite my endocrinologist’s initial hesitation and the bariatric surgeon’s insistence on thinking about it, the support and unrestrained empathy I’ve received from all my doctors and specialists has been overwhelming. There’s something about giving in to the Medical System that is freeing. My defense systems were torn down and I was pulled into the bosom of the medical establishment. I’ve had chronic illnesses, mental illnesses and a fat body for decades; I have also been a Defiant Body. I have obstinately defended a fat person’s right to be treated justly, to remain in the body they are comfortable with, and called on the System to adapt its human-built environments and practices to work towards better health outcomes. Defiance has added a layer of loathing to the fear I already had of Medicine. Yet when I gave in I moved towards Compliance. That’s what the System can deal with. The System rewards a compliant patient. 

So how do I get to this point, a day before I am admitted to hospital, as a fat liberationist who has paid to have her stomach plumbing reconfigured? I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity, my ideology and my actions. Whenever fat people I’ve known have chosen weight loss surgery I’ve felt a quiet sadness and betrayal, as if they were leaving my team. I don’t blame my fat friends for feeling the same about me because I feel like a big fat hypocrite. However, my ideology around fatness is the same as it always was. Fat bodies need liberation. I will always fight for fat liberation. In my case, the System wouldn’t help me until I complied. 

I will not comply, however, with the toxic allure of thinness. There will be no before and afters. I will not delight in numbers. I am beautiful as a fat woman and if anyone tells me how much better I look when I am not as fat, well they’re going to get an earful of sass. I do look forward to some privileges that have been denied me as a super fat human, like being able to go to a restaurant and fit in the seats. It’s just a fucking rigmarole to have my guts cut up in order to do it, ya know? 

^{I am not tweeting about this from @definatalie, I have created @mothdusting to talk about WLS related things. Feel free to chuck me a follow.}

The day we picked Miffy up from the small dog rescue in Laidley in 2011 we had a car accident. It was only very minor, we were able to make our way to pick her up safely. The insurance company sent out dog toys when we filed our claim. Miffy made short work of them – we discovered that she was a chewer and an absolute loose unit when presented with a ball.

On Sunday morning I sat in the back seat of the car, like I had done a few hours earlier, and guarded her. There wasn’t much I could do except just sit there. And fuss. And fret. There was a traffic jam, a pretty major looking accident had happened. I didn’t know then that our time with Miffy would be book-ended by two car crashes. Ok it sounds dramatic, but it happened and there must be something in a coincidence like that, right?

The vet who was rostered on this time was the one who couldn’t bring herself to say genital names when Miffy was in a few months prior with a vulva infection. You only get one chance to make a first impression, and a vet who uses the term “lady parts” will always stick in my memory! Doc Lady Parts was quietly spoken and guarded when she spoke about the neurological stuff, co-morbidities, dislocated knees and not being mobile. We cried loudly when we made the decision to euthanise Miffy. A Miffy who can’t tear apart a bone or a ball in 2 minutes is not a Miffy who enjoys living.

Our lives feel empty because she took up so much space. I can’t walk into a room and sing “MIFFY!” anymore, for there will be no small lump to whip her head around and grunt at me. Nick’s beard will go un-licked. The fluffy loaf of a dog with no eyes is gone and there is no one for me to shake hands with or high five. There are no more secret dinner treats handed off below the table for me to get mad at and say, “Nick.” in a disapproving tone.

We were ushered into a courtyard to say goodbye. The lighting was perfect, the sun was winking at us through the shadows of the trees. We loved on our Miffy for a while and I took photos. I know it sounds odd to take photos of your dog before you put her to sleep but I’m so glad I did. The lighting was perfect, after all. She looks like she’s smiling but she was panting through the pain. I had to walk away before the injection was given. It was just too painful to watch. Nick said she did a final big snore and I think if I was there I would have 100% lost my shit.

Oh yeah and then there’s this: The day Miffy died was the exact date we picked her up nine years ago. Facebook conveniently reminded me as we waited for hours at the vet hospital. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. When this kind of shit happens you look for meaning wherever you can because nine years passes like two seconds and you’re left with heaving sobs instead of your small, warm, fluffy friend.

I made view A but without the collar for both dresses however for the animal print one I decided to cut it on the fold. This proved to be problematic when it came to getting the thing over my noggin! So I cut a little vent to give me a little more space but I think I will recut the neckline and facings entirely. Apologies for not providing photos of the animal print but I wasn’t in the mood to be photographed today, so sorry!

The dress went together very easily, and even though the skirt involved gathering 5.6 metres of fabric the payoff is this lovely swishy dream. I enjoy wearing rayon so much but sewing with it is a little tricky! I very nearly had an issue with a Hungry Hungry Overlocker when I was a little careless with my attention. There’s a lot of slinky fabric to control here!

We stole away to the mountains for a couple of nights and stayed in a very cute A-frame chalet cuddled by the Springbrook rainforest. I felt like a total Mountain Witch with my felt hat, found in an op shop some time last year! Our phone connection was completely cut and there was no other option but to learn to understand the calls of the wild birds. I nearly figured out how to speak fluent whipbird!