The Degrassi Digest

Sad news

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 10:04:00 +0000

Neil Hope, the actor who played Wheels, has died.

S02 E04 – Great Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:20:00 +0000

The episode opens in the school office, where Liz and her mother are talking to Secretary Doris. Liz is supposed to be a new student now, even though she appeared as an extra in season 1. (I pay attention to these things so you don’t have to.) As Liz complains in a deep monotone about how her old school was better, and her haggard-looking mother scolds her, Steph runs in to make an announcement for the student council, and indirectly to remind us all that the student council is still a thing. She and Liz size each other up and exchange menacing looks, and Liz starts kvetching to her mother about how everyone at Degrassi is “a preppy”.

Yeah, except preppies wear sweater vests, and boat shoes, and polo shirts in bland neutrals, and that kind of stuff. Whereas Steph is wearing a red bustier, a blue miniskirt, and a big silver belt, with assorted red, white and blue accessories and terrifying amounts of blue eyeshadow, and overall she looks like it’s Halloween and she’s going as Sexed-up Wonder Woman. This outfit is many things, but preppy is not one of them.

As her mother lectures her about giving Degrassi a chance, we hear Mr Lawrence saying, “Don’t you ever pull a stunt like that again!” (His voice is so badly dubbed in that he sounds like he’s speaking over the PA as usual, which is pretty confusing to watch.) Joey is backing out of the principal’s office, apologising insincerely. Before he can leave, Doris calls him over, and says, “This is Liz O’Rourke. She’s joining your class. Maybe you could show her to Mr Raditch’s room?” Joey’s mouth says, “Yeah! Sure!”, but his expression says, “If by ‘Mr Raditch’s room’ you mean my pants.”

He bows elaborately to Liz, and busts out his old catchphrase: “Joey Jeremiah, chairman of the welcoming committee, at your service.” Steph rolls her eyes, but Liz seems kind of amused. As he leads her into the corridor, he tells her, “You’re talking to the number one cool guy here at Degrassi.” “Yeah?” Liz asks, in a voice that suggests she may actually believe him. Perhaps she is not the sharpest pencil in the box.

“Yeah!” he answers, looking understandably surprised that this line worked. “So, um, wanna go out?”

And thus the theme of the episode is established: Teenage Boys Are Horny. Apparently we need a TV show to teach us this.

After the opening credits, it’s another day, and everyone’s arriving at school. The Zit Remedy guys are complaining about how Simon’s a narbo because he’s quit their band to play soccer. So ends a plotline nobody cared about ever. As Liz shuffles angstily by, Joey asks the others what they think of her; Snake calls her weird, and Wheels calls her quiet. Her alleged weirdness is manifest in her short punk haircut and her two layered tank tops, à la Kate in the early seasons of Lost. This is extremely low-level weirdness. 1980s Canada is a tame, tame place.

Liz goes into the school building, giving Joey a sort of spacey smile on her way in, and when she’s gone he asks the other guys, “Do you think she does it? She looks like she does it.” Wow, wearing tank tops will really get you a reputation in Canada. Wheels, whose mullet is getting truly magnificent these days, briefly gets all sensible-feminist and asks what a girl who does it is supposed to look like, but Joey insists he’s heard “stuff” about Liz. Since he has no more details than that, we can only assume it’s Horny Boy wishful thinking.

When the others try to walk off, he calls them back, then asks, “Do you guys ever think about really having sex?” They take this poorly-phrased question in completely good faith, obviously consider lying, then admit that they think about it “a bit”. Joey says he thinks about it all the time, and the others are disgusted and brand him a sick, sex-crazed pervert.

I’m pretty sure that certain aspects of this conversation are not true to how 15-year-old boys actually behave.

Inside the building, Liz walks to the girls’ toilet while everybody stares at her because she is a tank-top-wearing hussy. Over the PA, Mr Lawrence announces that next week is Safety Week, for at least the third time since the show started.

In the library, Arthur is furtively reading an anatomy book, but tries to hide it when Yick appears. I get a horrible sinking feeling that whatever about next week, this week is going to be Profoundly Uncomfortable Teen Sexuality Week at Degrassi. Just like most weeks.

OMG YOU GUYS. Behind them on a bookshelf are not one but two copies of Damon King’s autobiography. A “celebrity” memoir written by a D-lister who picked up a 14-year-old student at the launch of said memoir has to be one of the all-time most inappropriate pieces of reading material ever found in a school library. This is right up there with… most of the other books in the Degrassi library.

Anyway, Yick asks Arthur why he’s acting weird lately, and Arthur immediately… well, I was going to say “spills”, but that’s a very unfortunate choice of word under the circumstances. He admits he’s worried about all the “really weird” dreams he’s been having lately, and that when he wakes up, he “leaks”. (Words cannot express how awkward I feel describing this scene.) Hilariously, Yick practically shouts, “Oh, you mean wet dreams!!!” earning them a death glare from Kathleen.

Arthur despondently mutters, “I think I’m turning into a sex maniac,” and if they ever made Degrassi merchandise, I hope that line got put on a T-shirt. Yick dives for Arthur’s anatomy book, and looks shocked by what he sees in it, even though he’s only looking at a drawing of a vertebra. Yick is a delicate flower.

Steph’s on her way to Bathroom of Skanky Transformations. Alex runs after her, and tells her that he’s been “thinking about the financial problems of the student council” and he wants to tell her some ideas he’s had. She nods politely, says that’s really nice, and immediately goes to hide in the bathroom because he’s not attractive. He stands outside the door and hangs his head.

Inside the bathroom, Steph finds Spike moping in front of the mirror, and asks what she’s doing. “Getting fat,” says Spike. What, like, right this minute? In a wholly uncharacteristic display of human decency, or maybe just because Spike’s wearing an extremely baggy T-shirt/waistcoat combo, Steph says she can’t see any change in her.

“I can,” Spike insists. “Being pregnant sure changes everything.” Got that, girls? Being pregnant will make you fat, and I guess change some other stuff, too, but mainly IT WILL MAKE YOU FAT.

As Steph changes into her Hideous Skankwear (blue bustier, pink miniskirt, and the communal diamante belt), Spike asks why she’s dressing like that again, and Steph says, “I’m going to make Simon notice me if it kills me.” Which it quite possibly will, if she insists on running around the frozen wastes of Canada half-naked like this.

Just then, there’s a flushing sound and Liz emerges from a cubicle. Spike gives her one of her trademark blank stares. and I really haven’t the remotest idea what she’s trying to express with it, but Steph gives her an impressively obnoxious smirk. Rather than just clocking her, Liz asks what she’s looking at, and Steph is all, “I love your hair. You must tell me who does it.” Kind of a bitchy thing to say when standing right next to Spike, who has the most insane hair of all time, but hey, it’s Steph. Bitchy is kind of her deal.

“Well at least I don’t get dressed in the washroom so Mom doesn’t know how I dress at school,” Liz dronemumbles, and flounces off. “Oh, good comeback!” Steph calls, but her sarcasm is undermined by the fact that it actually was a pretty good comeback.

“What a sleaze,” she says, because you can’t say “slut” on kids’ TV. “I bet she does it.” Then she turns around and remembers that she’s talking to Spike, whose defining characteristic is the fact that she once did it, and her face is literally like the :-O emoticon. “I mean, not like you! You made a mistake, right?” Steph rolls her eyes and turns to go.

Apparently not content with the hole she’s gotten herself into, Steph continues to dig: “I heard something happened where she used to live, to do with sex, and that’s why she moved here.” OK, so theoretically this could be the same extremely vague rumour Joey’s talking about, but it could also be Mean Girl wishful thinking, which says that if you don’t have enough dirt on your enemies you can just make some up.

“Why do people who look different always have stories made up about them?” asks Spike. “I dunno,” says Steph cheerfully, “but I bet it’s true. If you ask me, she dresses very… provocative.” Spike just shakes her head and leaves.

OK, we need to talk about tank tops. If I may be blunt, Steph is showing about three times as much skin as Liz. If anyone in this school is dressing provocatively, and by extension allegedly “looks like she does it”, it is most assuredly Steph (who, lest we forget, previously attempted to do it). So what the hell is it about tank tops, and fairly modest ones by the standards of tank tops, that has everybody treating Liz so weirdly? Is Steph just meant to be the biggest hypocrite of all time, or were ill-fitting bustiers really more acceptable schoolwear than tank tops in those days? I do not understand 1980s Canada at all.

Later, in class, Mr Raditch is going on about some history project the kids have to do… in pairs. As everyone whoever went to school (or watched TV shows about school) knows, pair work is just an excuse for awkward attempts at flirting. Right on cue, as Mr Raditch tells the class to choose their own partners, Joey gives Liz a “How you doin’?? face. Unfortunately, she can’t actually see it because he’s two rows behind her.

When the bell goes and everyone leaves, Liz is glacially slow at packing up to go, so Joey has a chance to catch her alone. He asks if she wants to be partners, and she says sure, and he seems completely astounded. Obviously she hasn’t heard much about him yet. They agree to meet after lunch in the resource centre, which I guess is Canadian for library. This would all seem like good light-hearted fun, except that the background music is all threatening, so you know it’ll all end in trauma and lesson-learning.

Out in the corridor, Steph and the twins are mumbling about some “plan” of hers. But they’re waylaid by Alex, who wants to talk to Steph about holding an art show to raise money. Steph is instantly pissed off, because Alex is still not attractive. Just then Simon approaches, and she fixes Alex with a terrifying stare and tells him to beat it. It wouldn’t be so scary, except for all the blue eyeshadow, which gives her a sort of panto witch vibe.

As Alex gets increasingly agitated about fundraising, Steph completely ignores him and throws all her textbooks in a pile at Simon’s feet, in the hope that he’ll pick them up. Alex immediately crouches down to get them, still talking about the student council, and Simon is just weirded out by the whole thing. After a minute of awkward staring, he shrugs and walks off.

Steph grabs her books from Alex, and she and the twins walk away, turning to give him matching evil stares. “What did I do?” he whimpers. He failed to be attractive, is what.

Out on the steps, Yick and Arthur are eating bananas and talking about penises, and I refuse to believe this is a coincidence. Yick loudly insists that Arthur’s, um, issue is probably normal, and suggests asking Arthur’s dad for advice, but Arthur’s worried he’d think he was a pervert. Yick just shrugs at this, which probably doesn’t do much to ease Arthur’s paranoia.

A few feet away, Liz is looking tortured and eating yogurt, as one does. Spike comes over and tries to make nice, and Liz complains about how judgmental everyone at Degrassi is, then asks if Spike’s really pregnant. Lovely segue. Really smooth. “I’m never gonna get pregnant,” she volunteers. “NEVER.” Well, this is just about the most uncomfortable attempt at befriending ever, but Spike is apparently a glutton for punishment, so she stays to hear Liz whine some more about how popular she was at her old school and how much Degrassi sucks donkey balls. I’m paraphrasing slightly.

Meanwhile, a bunch of random other characters are throwing baseballs to each other, in a blatant attempt to appeal to US audiences. Wheels and Snake complain that Joey’s throwing the ball too fast, or something, and Joey for some reason theorises that his exciting ball-throwing techniques will convince Liz to have sex with him, because that’s what girls like. He then makes a very bad joke about threesomes. I mean, it’s not offensive or anything, it’s just shite.

Everyone laughs at him, and Snake teases him for being a virgin (in the campest voice ever, for some reason), which is pretty odd considering none of them have had, like, any action ever. Joey reacts by attempting to kill Snake with the baseball.

In Ms Avery’s classroom, Melanie is talking to an extremely small non-speaking extra. Well, not so much talking as bombarding her with statistics about menstrual cycle length that the writers clearly copy-pasted from the ‘80s version of Wikipedia, which I guess was just an encyclopaedia. “Melanie, where do you get this stuff?” asks Kathleen, who no doubt disapproves of menstrual cycles on principle.

Melanie looks blank and forgets her line for a second, then answers, “Doctor Sally, of course.” She explains that Doctor Sally has a radio phone-in for teens called “Talking Sax With Sally.”

Kathleen thinks it sounds disgusting, which seems like an extreme reaction to a show about saxophones, but it turns out that Melanie just talks really really Canadian, and the show is about sex. Unfortunately, Yick overhears and shows a little too much interest in the show, and the class instantly decides he has sexual problems. And thus starts a lifetime of psychological scarring for Yick.

In the resource centre, Liz is angsting that she can’t figure out who won the War of 1812. An all-too-common teen problem. Joey just gazes at her and says he really likes her hair. She gets all embarrassed, but he keeps on about he’s “dazzled” by her beauty, which bit of unintentional Twilight foreshadowing eventually gets an awkward, buck-toothed giggle out of her. Aaaaw yeah, he’s totally in there.

When the bell goes, Liz says that they haven’t got much of their project done, so they’d better meet up later and figure out who did win the War of 1812. They can’t meet at Joey’s house, because his grandparents are there and it’s “a total zoo” (Joey’s grandparents must be more exciting than most grandparents). Liz says they can go to her house, and that her mom won’t be there. Joey, with the depth of delusion that only a teenager with a crush can muster, immediately interprets this as “come over to my house and we can bone like it’s going out of fashion”.

He immediately goes to Snake and Wheels and tells them that Liz invited him over “to study”. Nobody considers the possibility that this might actually mean he’s invited over to study, minus the quotation marks. The guys do a Troy-and-Abed-and-Pierce-worthy three-way high-five.

Later, in the hallways, Yick badgers Arthur into calling Doctor Sally’s show that night, but neither of them wants to call from their houses in case their parents hear and decide they’re irredeemable sex monsters. I guess Yick’s parents would tend to be paranoid about that, considering their older son has a swamp sex robot fetish.

Meanwhile Steph has decided to just ask Simon out instead of playing insane mind games. Heather floats the possibility that he might say no because he actually likes Alexa, but Erika thinks this is far-fetched and ridiculous. There’s such a thing as being too supportive, Erika.

Just then, Simon conveniently appears. He is wearing leggings and a giant sweatshirt. Did guys actually wear leggings in the 80s, outside of exercise videos? It’s not a good look. Steph tries to ask him out, but Alex runs over in his sports uniform and cockblocks her yet again by telling him to go get changed for a soccer match that’s about to start. Aaaaugh, the uniform involves hot pants WHYYYY. Steph clops angrily away on her giant high heels, and the twins laugh hysterically, because their friend’s pain is so funny. Well, it is, I guess, but they’re still mean.

After school, Liz gives Joey her address, and he tells her he’ll be over later, then explains with a leer that he’s “got some stuff to do”. And by stuff, he means her. When he’s gone, she calls Spike over and they discuss him. Liz says she thinks he’s sort of funny and sort of nice, which is a pretty ringing endorsement since she hates everything else in the world. Spike, as usual, reacts by looking vaguely troubled.

Meanwhile, Joey runs over to Wheels and asks for the ill-fated condoms he bought for his date with Steph. Wheels reminds him that they used them all as water bombs, which strongly suggests that the guys aren’t really grown-up enough to use them for their actual purpose.

“D’you want to come buy some with me?” Joey asks. Wheels gapes and mumbles that he has to study, which is rapidly becoming his extremely dull catchphrase. He tries to go, but Joey runs after him and asks, “When you and Steph were almost gonna do it, were you a little nervous?” Wheels smiles with the world-weariness of a guy who almost got laid that one time, admits that he was “a lot nervous”, and suggests that maybe Joey shouldn’t do this.

“I’ve got to!” Joey insists. “I’m fourteen! I’m in the eighth grade! I haven’t even had a real date yet.” All solid reasons to keep it in your pants, but I guess he’s using Horny Boy logic again, whereby all facts are arguments in support of having sex.

“What if she doesn’t want to?” Wheels asks, for some reason deciding to be the lone, cranky voice of reason in this episode. “The way she dresses?” Joey responds. So, now tank tops not only mean that you do it, but specifically that you want to do it with Joey Jeremiah. He also points out that she laughs at his jokes, which admittedly you wouldn’t do just because they were funny, but still his evidence is pretty poor, which Wheels is harsh/sensible enough to point out. As he slopes off homewards, Joey yells, “Are you sure you can’t come buy some condoms?”, which is really not the sort of thing most people shout out in public.

Meanwhile, Liz arrives at her home, where everything is extremely messy because they just moved in, and extremely brown because it’s 1987. Her mom’s disembodied, weirdly dubbed voice asks how school was, and Liz monotones that it was boring and “this guy” is coming over later to work on a project.

Liz’s mom actually appears at this point, and she is dressed in some kind of weird red dirndl thing. I can only assume she works at some kind of Oktoberfest theme bar or something. She puts up a token protest against Liz having random boys over unchaperoned, then decides that it’s OK because at least she’s making friends. She would probably retract this if she knew that said friend is a Horny Boy in a crocheted fedora.

Well, I call that some pretty half-assed parenting. If Liz isn’t actually likely to have sex with randomers as soon as she’s left alone, her mum is making too much fuss about this. If she is likely to have sex with randomers etc., then her mum is making way too little fuss. But it’s either fuss-worthy or it isn’t; just making a small fuss and then being like “Oh well, at least you won’t spend the afternoon alone” is just kind of lousy.

Anyway, her mom leaves for the Swiss maid fetish bar or wherever, and Liz preens in the mirror, which takes very little time because she has minimal makeup and almost no hair.

Meanwhile, Joey’s out trying to buy condoms alone. He’s avoided the rookie mistake of buying them at Steph’s mother’s shop, and is in a big supermarket, trying to blend in, because 14-year-old boys do supermarket shops all the time. He’s doing that thing where you try to cover up your embarrassing purchase with lots of normal ones, such as toilet paper and toothpaste and crisps. As a former shop assistant, I can tell you that this never works, and just makes the staff laugh at you afterwards.

Meanwhile, there’s a special offer being announced over the PA system, and I swear hand on heart that this is what the woman says: “There’s a shiny toilet roll pencil, regularly $2.99, now on sale for only a dollar 99. Remember, it isn’t clean unless it’s shiny clean.”

I… I have no words. And I profoundly do not want to know what a “toilet roll pencil” is.

Having stocked up on assorted grocery items, Joey gets to the condom section. He’s perusing a box of Sheiks when some grandad in a lumberjack shirt looks at him in horror and disgust, so he flings the box into his trolley and then throws in a gigantic box of Tampax to look casual. He then realises this probably won’t help in the embarrassment stakes, and hastily shoves the Tampax back on a random shelf. Heh.

At the checkout, the guy is… I want to say scanning Joey’s purchases, only he isn’t, because I guess they didn’t scan stuff in those days? and I literally don’t know what verb to use instead. He’s [whatever they did before everything had barcodes] Joey’s purchases. Conservative Lumberjack Grandad is behind Joey in the queue, and he and his conservative polyester-clad wife are traumatised all over again by the condoms on the conveyor belt.

The checkout guy picks up the condoms and says they’re supposed to be on special offer. Joey starts panicking, but the guy calls someone over to check for him, and it’s the same woman who busted Lucy and Voula for shoplifting from Sparkly Scarves 'R Us. She seems to have had a sense of humour transplant since then, because she clearly finds Joey’s plight hilarious.

Joey begs the man to just charge him the full price already, but the guy is just screwing with him at this point, and insists, “Come on, it won’t take a minute.” The conservative old-folks look ever more disapproving.

The shop lady comes back and trollfaces that the condoms are indeed marked down. Joey pays and leaves, stopping in the doorway to glower at his hilarious tormentors.

Meanwhile, back in the world’s ickiest subplot, Yick and Arthur are in a phone booth listening to Dr Sally on the radio. In a spectacular coincidence, she’s going on about how sex is a big decision that shouldn’t be rushed into. Arthur turns bright red at the phrase “sexual intercourse” and asks, “Can they say that on the radio?” Clearly, hip-hop had not yet arrived in Canada.

The guys argue over whether or not to call, and eventually Arthur gives in and dials. Dr Sally is now talking about how you can’t tell if a girl is “an easy lay” by the way she dresses, EVEN IF SHE’S A PUNK. I see what you did there, Degrassi writers. Because it was extremely unsubtle.

On a completely unrelated note, Joey arrives at Liz’s house and grins lecherously at it. Yes, even a house can be sexy when you’re a Horny Boy. Before ringing the bell, he opens the box of condoms and stashes one in his shirt pocket, because turning up for a homework session with just one condom is so much less skeevy. He leaves the bag of groceries out of view of the front door and rings the bell.

Liz lets him in and offers him a drink. He’s up for sex with someone he hardly knows, but is totally shocked by the idea of drinking alcohol. Luckily for his delicate sensibilities, she just means a soda.

Back in the phone box, the boys are on hold and Dr Sally is soothing somebody’s anxieties about losing their virginity. Arthur is still freaking out in case Melanie recognises his voice. Finally, they’re put through but Arthur is too scared to talk, so Yick grabs the phone, gabbles, “I’vegotafriendwho’stwelveyearsoldhegetsalotofwetdreamsisheapervert?” and hangs up.

The guys start to argue again, but they’re quickly distracted by Dr Sally announcing, in a relaxation-tape voice, that wet dreams are a normal symptom of puberty, “so tell your friend he’s not a pervert, he’s not an animal out of control…” Wait, what? Nobody suggested he was an animal out of control!

Anyway, Arthur doesn’t stop to think about what an odd, disturbing thing she just said, and when she says that wet dreams are “the body’s way of relieving sexual tension”, he and Yick high-five, which is pretty weird all round. I really don’t think guys usually high-five each other about their wet dreams.

At Liz’s house, she’s droning on about the War of 1812, which, in her considered assessment, was “totally dumb”. Eventually she notices that Joey is looking pallid and sweaty, and asks him what’s up. “Liz, do you wanna do it?” he asks. He sure doesn’t mess around. You’d think this was pretty unambiguous, but Liz is all, “Do what?” because this scene wasn’t quite awkward enough already.

“Sex!” says Joey. As ominous synth music plays, he pulls out the condom and sweet-talks the hell out of her: “I want it, you want it, let’s do it.” Liz looks completely disgusted, but Joey throws his last shred of dignity to the winds and actually starts begging. “Please,” he says. “I really want to.” Amazingly, this does not convince her.

Liz gets angry, but the actress who plays her is completely unable to emote, so she monotones at him about how she thought he was different and guys are perverts and she hates him, and she sounds like a robot. She emotionlessly throws him out of the house, and he actually stops to collect his bag of groceries before leaving. Well, I guess they can use the remaining condoms for more water bombs.

Liz sadly goes back in the living room and lies on the couch to ponder the perfidy of Horny Boys.

The camera slowly zooms in on her giant book about the War of 1812, with the discarded condom lying on top of it. I’m not sure what this shot is meant to communicate, except possibly that condoms, like the War of 1812, are totally dumb. Good to know, Degrassi writers!

Also, Liz should really get rid of that before her mother gets home from the Munich Putsch reenactment.

Next morning, the background music is back to being perky again, as it always is, regardless of whatever traumatic shit just went down. Liz is sadly walking to school, dressed in a baggy grey Lonsdale T-shirt and denim pedal-pushers, which I think is meant to indicate that she’s been scared into dressing more conformist, but for all I know maybe grey T-shirts had some scandalous cultural significance back then.

Wheels runs over to Joey and asks how yesterday went. Joey explains, in tones of disbelief, “She didn’t want to do anything.” Well, technically she wanted to work on her history project, but perhaps that doesn’t count. “Is she mad?” asks Wheels.

For some reason, a baby starts crying in the background at this point. No idea why.

Joey looks at Liz, who gives him a punk death glare, and he concludes that she is, in fact, mad. As the chirpy end credit music starts up, Joey moans, “Wheels, you know what’s the worst? I really like her.” The credits roll, and we freeze on his woebegone, unibrowed, pimply face.

OK, so, condoms. There have been three episodes so far where someone tried to have sex. When Wheels and Joey decided to be responsible and buy condoms, they got judged by the elderly and also failed to have any sex whatsoever. Shane didn’t bother with lame-ass things like contraception, and he totally got laid. (I mean, sure he got Spike pregnant and now their lives are sort of fucked up, and the sex apparently wasn’t very good, but I’m pretty sure it still counts as a win according to Horny Boy Logic.)

In conclusion: this show is messed up.

Dubious Lessons of the Week: Wet dreams are normal and should be discussed in detail with friends and local radio presenters. Vertebrae, on the other hand, are shocking. Contrary to apparently popular belief, just because a girl wears a tank top doesn’t mean she will automatically have sex with you. Even if you beg. The War of 1812 was totally dumb. Attempting to have safe sex will only lead to you being judged and embarrassed and, worst of all, sexually frustrated.

surfaces

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:21:00 +0000

I am still alive, and working on another post, which should hopefully be finished soonish. In the meantime, I want to plug my friend Moïra's blog. She does awesome Vampire Diaries recaps, and if you're not reading them you should totally get on that.

S02 E03 – Stage Fright

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Sun, 22 May 2011 15:35:00 +0000

First up, my apologies for the extremely long hiatus. When I last updated, I was rather bogged down in wedding planning; shortly after getting married, I got pregnant and developed a severe case of pregnancy-brain which rendered me unable to write anything coherent or remotely amusing (I also totally got fat, which this show warned me about many a time, but at least nobody made me parent an egg). However, the baby is a few months old now and I am more or less back to normal, and more than ready to start mocking things again. So let’s get started!

We open with a close-up of Caitlin, who is looking, as usual, concerned. Although she has a pretty legitimate reason to look this way: someone's taped a load of cotton wool and wires onto her head. You'd look concerned too.

A white-coated doctor explains that she's being hooked up to a machine that will measure her brain's electrical activity. (This does not explain why someone has stuck a cotton wool electrode onto her chin, as last time I checked, most people’s brains were not in their chins. But maybe they do things differently in Canada.) As Caitlin shuts her eyes and tries to relax, we see that she actually turned up for her brain scan wearing tan eyeshadow. Girl has an impressive commitment to low-level glamour.

And that's it. As Degrassi's pre-credits scenes go, it's kind of vague, and doesn't really reveal that much – except that Caitlin either has health problems or is working as a test subject to earn pocket money. Well, it's less effort than a paper round.

After the credits, Caitlin's being driven to school. "I've been practising the audition piece for the play for weeks," she complains. Her mother, who's currently pioneering murky green houndstooth-patterned satin with less-than-stellar results, answers, "I just don't think you should do anything too strenuous for a while. You have epilepsy. What if you had another seizure?"

"I had one seizure over the holidays," Caitlin answers. "The doctor said it might never happen again." "But we don't know, do we?" asks her mother. Wow, way to boost your child's confidence, lady!

Caitlin insists that she'll be fine if she takes her medication, and her mother produces a bottle of pills that she left in the bathroom at home, then nags her to put on her Medic-Alert bracelet, then reminds her repeatedly to take her pills. Caitlin grudgingly puts the bracelet on, and her mother finally says she can audition for the play. Caitlin gets out of the car, then takes off the bracelet as soon as her mother's gone. Ominously funky synth music plays, to show that she’s taking risks.

So, we've established the theme of the episode: chronic health conditions and annoying parents who nag you about them.

Caitlin arrives in the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations And General Deception. Because the writers don’t trust us to remember upcoming school events for more than a couple of seconds (see also: Photo Day), the room is plastered with posters about auditions for the play, and the principal is making an announcement about the auditions over the intercom. Just as Caitlin’s about to take her pills, Kathleen wanders in and asks where she’s been. Caitlin hides her pills without taking them and says she had the flu.

Kathleen smugs that she never has the flu because she always eats a balanced diet. And in one efficient line, the writers slip in some nice foreshadowing of future plots, and make me hate Kathleen still more. “What a good idea,” Caitlin snarks, although sadly this is to be her one and only moment of sarcasm ever.

The girls hover in front of the mirror, Kathleen fakely brushing her hair and Caitlin endlessly adjusting her headband. They talk about the auditions, and it turns out they’re both auditioning for the same part. This whole scene is incredibly awkward and stilted, and I can’t tell if it’s intentional because the girls don’t like each other or just really bad acting, even by Degrassi standards.

Meanwhile, Joey and Snake are in the hallway. Joey is insisting that he knows some guy at a record company who wants to hear a Zit Remedy demo tape. Snake points out that the guy drives a truck for the company and thus probably can’t help them much. Given that they still only have one song and it only has two lines and they’re both total crap, this guy’s job description is really the least of their problems.

Just then, Alexa and Michelle walk by, talking about speeches they have to give for Mr Raditch’s class. Well, Alexa talks about her speech; Michelle just hangs her head shyly and says, “Please don’t talk about speeches.” Only, she says this SO shyly that the line has had to be redubbed, and it’s done so badly that it sounds more like a voiceover, as if it was her internal monologue or something. It’s just confusing . Joey sneaks up and tickles her to scare her, then runs off laughing. Michelle sadly complains that she’s so shy she “can’t even order a hamburger without turning red”. And so we’ve established the episode’s secondary plot: Michelle is shy, and Joey is kind of a dick about it for some reason.

Caitlin and Kathleen arrive in the classroom. Susie is thrilled to see Caitlin back, and they squee about a birthday sleepover Susie’s planning. “Why don’t you invite some boys to your sleepover?” asks Melanie hopefully. Kathleen calls her a “sax-starved maniac”, and says she’ll end up like Spike. She’s only talked to two people this morning and she’s been a judgemental bitch to both of them (and to Spike, who isn’t even there). How very Kathleen of her.

Anyway, Susie starts to say something to Caitlin, but Caitlin has completely zoned out and is staring off into space. After a minute, she wakes up. “What were you daydreaming about?” asks Susie. “I bet you were thinking about Rick!” Caitlin insists she wasn’t daydreaming, and then they’re distracted by a random girl asking what the deal is with her and Rick anyway, since they had progressed to chaste kissing quite a while back. Susie expositions that they like each other but are too shy to get together. And so Rick is doomed to be lonely and working-class forever.

Meanwhile, in Mr Raditch’s class, an agonized Wai Lee is stumbling through a terrible speech about why he likes to watch TV: “Cos you learn a lot about… life… and… it’s fun.” Well, it can be fun. Perhaps this show isn’t the best example.

The class gives him a token round of faux-applause, and Mr Raditch tells him to pay less attention to the TV and more to his homework. As the bell goes, Michelle cringes at the revelation that Mr Raditch can be kind of bitchy when people do crappy work. She apparently hasn’t been paying any attention up to now.

Joey calls her “Mouse”, and asks if she’ll have a microphone so people can hear her when she gives her speech. All the guys laugh at her. Yeah, normally Joey’s douchiness is at least mildly entertaining, but this is just mean. Michelle panics at Alexa and says she needs to get out of doing the speech.

Since we haven’t been reminded about the school play for the last few minutes, we see Caitlin walking past another audition poster, while Mr Lawrence booms over the intercom, “To be or not to be… a part of this year’s school play?”. Oh man, that’s bad. Anyway, she stops next to another poster, nearly gets her toes run over by Maya’s wheelchair* for no particular reason, and starts to take her medication. But she’s thwarted again when Susie turns up and suggests doing a séance at the sleepover. Actually, the thwarting makes no sense this time, because Susie notices the pills and Caitlin says they’re for a headache. So she could have just taken one anyway without Susie finding out she had epilepsy... Aaaugh, overthinking Degrassi plots is probably bad for my mental health.

*Maya Goldberg, Token Wheelchair Girl and presumable Token Jew, appears in the background of pretty much every episode but doesn’t actually get any plot (or more than one line of dialogue, as far as I can remember) until well into the High School years. I think this is what passed for inclusiveness in those days.

Kathleen walks by, bragging to Melanie about how she’s been practicing her audition piece and her mother says she’s a natural for the part. (Although actually, given what we learn in future episodes, this is probably a total lie.) There’s sad, sad music, and Caitlin worries about the idea of Kathleen getting the part, but Susie says to relax, because she always beats Kathleen! What a healthy attitude.

Everyone goes into the auditorium for auditions. Rick starts climbing up a ladder with some stage lighting, but stops to say hi to Caitlin. Scooter, who’s watching him, says, “So that’s why you’re helping with the play!” “Get lost, you little narbo!” Rick snaps, and my wholesome love for him is slightly diminished, not because he’s being mean to Scooter but because he’s using terrible fictitious slang.

Susie says she’s glad she’s the stage manager, because if she had to go on stage, “I’d have a fit!” Ah, this show, always ready with the subtle foreshadowing.

Caitlin is the first to audition, and for some reason the audition piece is an incredibly emo speech that starts, “There was such unhappiness in our home,” and takes it from there. Her generally morose demeanour works pretty well with this.

Backstage, Alexa and Michelle are futzing with horrendously ugly costumes and planning how to get Michelle out of making her speech. Alexa suggests telling Mr Raditch she has a contagious disease, which seems to be rather a popular excuse around these parts, but (a) would require a doctor’s note, as Michelle points out, and (b) wouldn’t particularly prevent someone from giving a speech if they were already at school anyway. She next suggests pretending there’s been a death in the family (and frankly it’s a little disturbing how excited she seems about this one), but Michelle rejects this as being too morbid. Next suggestion: “Tell him you’re on your period and your cramps are the worst! Male teachers always get flustered when you mention the word ‘period’.” With the possible exception of Mr Colby. Michelle reckons this would be too embarrassing, and… yeah. Mr Raditch is just not the kind of person you tell about your menstrual troubles.

Meanwhile, Caitlin’s just finishing the audition piece, which has apparently taken a turn for the cheerful, because it ends “It was the most wonderful moment of my life.” Unfortunately, she’s still speaking in the same incredibly bleak tone of voice that she uses in most situations.

She walks off stage and stands next to Susie, who tells her she did great. But Caitlin has zoned out again and doesn’t hear her. After a second, she snaps out of it, and Susie asks if she’s feeling OK. Caitlin insists she’s fine, and then they stop to glower at Kathleen while she reads the audition piece. We don’t hear much of it, but she is at least speaking in less of a bleak monotone than Caitlin did.

Later, Caitlin is upstairs at home listening to her parents arguing about whether she should go to the sleepover. Her dad insists she won’t get enough sleep and the tiredness will make her have a seizure. Her mother, who was all about stopping Caitlin from doing things as recently as this morning, has changed her tune: “She happens to have epilepsy, but she’s still a person!” Although the fact that she actually feels the need to point this out is a little alarming. As Caitlin’s parents talk about how she needs to be careful, she goes into her room and gets her stuff for the sleepover, but leaves her medicine behind. This will, of course, end well.

Cut to a giant, gnarled candle, and Kathleen in a Victorian nightdress, attempting to contact the spirit of somebody’s dead dog. Everyone else clearly thinks this is ridiculous and is trying not to laugh, except for Caitlin, who finds no humour in the situation. OF COURSE.

When the séance breaks up in giggles due to a disappointing lack of ghost dogs, the girls turn on the lights and start looking for some cookies to eat. But Caitlin’s looking sleepy, which of course means she’s about to have a seizure as per her dad’s predictions. We see a shot of the room from her point of view, and everything looks all weird and double-visiony. (Meanwhile, Kathleen is bragging about how few cookies she’s eaten.) There goes the special effects budget for this season.

As super-angsty synth music plays, Caitlin keels over onto a convenient pile of duvets and starts sort of rocking back and forth. (I have no idea if this is a realistic portrayal of an epileptic seizure or not.) Susie realises what’s happening, and everyone flails around, arguing over whether they should put a spoon in her mouth or hold her down or what. And for once, this show actually passes up an opportunity to clunkily educate us, because it’s never really made clear what the girls ought to be doing other than yelling for Susie’s mom. And yelling for Susie’s mom is not a useful option for most people.

Cut to Monday morning and chirpy music! I assume there was supposed to be a commercial break in between, but when you’re watching the DVD it just seems wildly inappropriate. Caitlin and her mom pull up outside the school, and Caitlin’s mom is finishing a lecture about epilepsy management that by all appearances has lasted the whole damn weekend. She asks Caitlin if she’s sure she wants to be in the play, and Caitlin says she has to be in it, or everyone will think she’s a freak. Because… only freaks drop out of things? That doesn’t even make sense, but whatever.

When she gets out of the car and walks into the school, she’s spotted by Kathleen and Nancy and Trish. Kathleen has clearly been dishing about the thrilling epilepsy-related events of Friday night, but the others don’t believe her, because Caitlin “looks fine”. Kathleen insists that she was rolling on the floor and foaming at the mouth and it was really gross, because Kathleen is a bitch like that. As the girls discuss (inconclusively) whether epilepsy is contagious, Rick listens in on them and furrows his brow in a manly yet troubled fashion.

Inside the school, Caitlin runs into Susie and asks if her seizure really was gross or not. Susie unhelpfully says it “wasn’t that bad”. Caitlin is freaking out about what people are going to think if she has more seizures, and Susie is feebly trying to cheer her up, but they’re interrupted by Scooter shouting that the cast list for the play is up. They go to see if Caitlin got the part, but Kathleen sees the list first, and runs off yelling that she got it. “I’m a wench!” Melanie announces gleefully. I love Melanie so much.

Caitlin is majorly pissed off, because she has to play Kathleen’s servant. This is pretty childish, but I suppose I can sort of see where she’s coming from, because if there’s anyone who would be a total smug pain in the ass about you being her servant in a play, it is Kathleen.

Meanwhile, Michelle goes up to Mr Raditch and whispers that she can’t do her speech because she’s lost her voice. He’s spectacularly unconvinced, and just laughs at her, but eventually relents and tells her to talk aboot something she knows and it won’t be that bad. Joey, who is still being a tool for some reason, laughs at her again. She looks depressed.

After class, Kathleen is babbling about how awesome she is. Caitlin has gone completely paranoid and starts insisting that Ms Avery must be discriminating against her for having epilepsy or something, which is nonsense because Ms Avery is nice and liberal and almost certainly not prejudiced against people with epilepsy. This is just about the most out-of-character thing you could possibly accuse her of. Susie is starting to get annoyed and tells her that Kathleen just did a better audition, then heads to rehearsal. Caitlin hangs back and punches some lockers. Clearly she has been picking up some tips from Rick on how to express her rage in a cool, working-class manner.

She flounces off, and Rick, who’s been watching her, asks where she’s going. “Home,” she snaps. He looks disappointed but lets her go.

In the auditorium, they’re halfway through rehearsing the first scene before anyone notices Caitlin’s missing. Rick tells Susie that she went home, and she tells Ms Avery that Caitlin had to leave due to a “personal matter”. Ms Avery expresses mild disappointment that she wasn’t told sooner, which is as close as she ever gets to being angry, because she’s so nice (and liberal). They move on and start rehearsing a different scene.

That afternoon, Caitlin is at home eating a plate of brown paste (seriously, I have no idea what it’s supposed to be, but it looks nasty) when her parents get home. She announces that she’s dropping out of the play because of her epilepsy. Her mother says she should be in the play anyway, but her dad is all in favour of her basically giving up on life. Caitlin flips out and says she doesn’t want to be Kathleen’s servant. Her parents exchange very laboured anxious faces.

Next morning, she arrives at school, and her tormented expression is wildly at odds with the cheerful music. Also tormented: Michelle, whose speech is today. Also also tormented: me, looking at Caitlin’s hideous green-tiger-print sleeveless T-shirt and co-ordinating headband.

Susie catches up with her and complains about having to cover for her at the rehearsal. Caitlin says she’s dropping out of the play because it’s too dangerous and/or the play is dumb. Susie finally calls her on her bullshit and says she’s just quitting because she’s jealous, then storms off. THANK YOU. Caitlin says nothing, but her expression shows she’s been pretty much busted.

Finally, one of the dullest subplots in a show known for its dull subplots is drawing to a close. Mr Raditch asks Michelle to make her speech, and everyone stares at her. Joey makes squeaking noises, because she’s shy like a mouse or something, but Mr Raditch is having none of it. Michelle has decided to give a speech about what it’s like to be shy, which is not all that surprising since shyness is her only character trait so far.

Pretty much for the sole purpose of breaking up the speech, there’s a brief scene of Caitlin looking tormented in class, while Rick and Susie glower at her.

Michelle is wrapping up her speech. “Worst of all,” she concludes, “I end up with a lot of ugly clothes because I can’t stand up to pushy salespeople.” Everyone in the class chuckles warmly, as if to say, “Yeah! Your clothes are vile!” (Actually, Michelle's clothes are so dull that they've held up much better than most of the outfits on this show -- they're not nice, but they don't make you want to spork your eyes out.) Anyway, Raditch says her speech was good, and everyone claps, and Michelle is relieved. After class, Joey, who’s trying to make leather berets happen, begs her to write his speech for tomorrow, and even offers to give her a tape of the Zit Remedy, but somehow she resists this powerful incentive.

In the bathroom, Caitlin finally womans up and takes her damn medication already.

Kathleen is getting into her costume for the play – a big cloak and a cardboard crown, which she’s wearing backwards. “I guess now Caitlin’s got epilepsy, she won’t be doing much of anything,” she smarms. “How sad.” Rick, speaking for everyone in the audience, asks, “Kathleen, why don’t you just shut up?” Have I mentioned that I think Rick is awesome? Because I do.

Kathleen starts to argue, but they’re both distracted by the sight of Caitlin, who’s just put on her costume – an old-fashioned ballgown with a co-ordinating headband. Seriously. She’s apparently playing the medieval version of herself.

Ms Avery asks if she’s dropping out, and Caitlin says no – “I’ll be the best servant Kathleen’s ever had. And she needs all the help she can get!” She puts Kathleen’s crown on the right way around, and everyone laughs at Kathleen, restoring the natural order of things.

Everyone else abruptly walks off to start rehearsal, and Caitlin is left alone with Rick. (He is up at a height doing something with electrical cables, because health and safety laws have yet to be invented.) “Welcome back,” he tells her. She smiles up at him, and the credits roll, and I think she is the only cast member with a full set of teeth. I mellow towards her slightly.

Dubious lessons of the week: It turns out epilepsy isn’t one of those things you can just ignore and wait for it to go away. But we still don’t know if it’s contagious or not. Fourteen-year-olds are really sympathetic when you tell a group of them about your crushing insecurities. And dog séances aren’t as much fun as you’d think.

Like the Degrassi Digest, only about MacGyver, and with pictures!

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:31:00 +0000

So: a little while back I was contacted by The Agony Booth, and asked if I'd be interested in doing some recaps for them. Which was pretty cool. I'm now recapping MacGyver -- first two episodes are here and here, if you're interested. :)

I'll still be doing the Degrassi recaps here, of course. Next up: the Caitlin Totally Has Epilepsy episode.

S02 E02– A Helping Hand…

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Morning. Joey, Snake, and Wheels come into the classroom, wearing their ultra-stylish handmade Zit Remedy sweatshirts. Joey is babbling about someone who works for "a real record company" (not like those fake record companies you hear so much about) and wants to hear their "music". Snake asks, "What's he going to say when he finds out we've only got two songs?" Two songs? They should be so lucky! They've only got two lines of a song, and neither one is very good.

Just then, Lucy runs in and says she has an announcement. This is the third time she's done this. I think she just likes the attention. She tells them that Mr Raditch is in the hospital, having his appendix taken oot, and everyone looks unrealistically concerned and serious. I'm sorry, but mobs of 14-year-olds are just not that caring. "Is he gonna be ok?" asks Joey anxiously. "Doris thinks so!" says Lucy brightly, because the school secretary is also a medical expert. "But in the meantime, we get a substitute teacher."

Everyone erupts in cheers and high-fives. They really don't have much to keep them entertained in Canada. "Remember that old bag who couldn't figure out when we changed our names?" says Snake. "And the one before," says Erica, "he was so nervous he blushed every time a girl even got near him!" Yeah, they're gonna wish that guy was back. Lucy says that substitute teachers are "just fossils and losers who can't get a real job".

Just then, their substitute teacher walks in. He is about 35 and extremely plain, and he's wearing a bad knitted jumper that's bright blue with random white scribbles on it. He seems to have also recently shaved off a beard, because the lower half of his face is really pale while the upper half has a deep orange tan. Oh, and his hair is conical. "Hi," he says in a relaxation-tape voice. "I'm Mr Colby. I'll be your teacher for the next while." Opening credits.

Some unspecified number of days later, Mr Colby is handing back people's essays. Spike's work is improving. Steph's was good, but badly spelled. Joey's story about the Zit Remedy's world tour was "highly entertaining", but the assignment was to write a true story. "It's gonna be true!" Joey mutters. Mr. Colby just laughs at him. Well yeah, it's what we're all thinking, but still… harsh, man.

When he gets to Lucy, Mr Colby sits down on an adjacent desk and puts his hand on her shoulder. "Excellent paper," he tells her. Was her paper on native peoples by any chance?

Anyway, the bell goes and everyone gets up to leave. BLT comes over to LD and asks her if she wants to play baseball, but she looks sad and says, "No. Maybe next week." …Ok, then.

"I never got an A+ before!" says Lucy. "I thought you didn't care about marks," says… Erica? Sure, why not. "I don't – they're fascist," says Lucy. "But it's nice to get a good one sometimes." I don't know which part of that statement is more annoying: the generic desultory teenage rebellion and violation of Godwin's Law, or the fact that she gives up on her principles the minute a cone-headed substitute teacher gives her a good mark.

Speaking of which: the twins start teasing Lucy for supposedly being Mr Colby's pet. And, bafflingly, they're jealous: "He's only THE sexiest man at Degrassi!" sighs Heather. Yeah, but the only other man there at the moment is Mr Lawrence, who's an incorporeal spirit and thus doesn't represent much competition. "I wish I was his pet!" Erica says.

So, clearly we have entered some kind of Bizarro World of sexuality, wherein pyramid-hair, two-toned faces and bad knitwear are the stuff of teenage girls' dreams. WTF, Degrassi?

Lucy says she likes older men because all the boys at Degrassi are immature. Speaking of which, Alexa (today wearing a miniskirt and a velvet bustier, always a nice casual look for daytime) leaves the classroom, followed by Simon, who's staring at her rather… hungrily. They're followed at an indiscreet distance by Steph, who rolls her eyes and announces, "It's the clothes. I know it's the clothes. Simon never would have noticed Alexa if she wasn't wearing my clothes."

She bitches over this some more, until they're distracted by Mr Colby telling them goodnight, even though it's clearly about three o'clock. "Now that Mr Colby's here, there's a real man around!" Heather swoons. They speculate on whether he's married, and whether they care. I'm sure this will end well.

The Zit Remedy guys are rehearsing their only song. They've accessorised Joey's keyboard with a big poster that reads "ZIT REMEDY TOURS DJH: Be there!!" Can you really "tour" a single building? Simon and Alexa are, for some reason, completely enraptured. "I love them," says Simon. "I know, they're fantastic!" Alexa whispers back. And then they applaud, and they're not being sarcastic or anything.

And then it's arbitrarily time for them to go off somewhere, so Alexa grabs Simon's hand and drags him away, even though he would rather stand and stare wistfully at the guys. That's really not something you should ignore, Alexa. "I don't trust that Simon guy," says Joey. Apparently they don't take to outsiders in Toronto.

Anyway, Snake wants to play the song again, but Wheels says he has to go see Ms Avery for some extra tutoring. The others take this incredibly personally: "Don't you get enough school already?" asks Joey, looking thisclose to decking Wheels. Ugh, I hate it when my friends try to better themselves! Wheels says his parents are mad at him aboot his marks, and he has no choice. When he's gone, the others bitch about how they'll never "cut an album" if he keeps doing this. Yep, Wheels's education is the only obstacle between them and fame.

There's a ridiculously overlong shot of Wheels walking to Ms Avery's classroom, where she's telling Rick what a good job he's been doing. Yay Rick! She is also wearing a khaki ankle-length shirtdress that looks like some kind of military eveningwear.

Rick leaves, Wheels sits down, and Ms Avery asks him if he's made "that eye appointment" yet. She asks this in an extremely coquettish tone of voice, with a bashful grin. Wheels says he made the appointment but doesn't think he needs glasses. "Sometimes headaches and eye problems go hand in hand," says Ms Avery, batting her eyelids. I'll give her this, she can make the most unlikely dialogue sound like a chat-up line.

She then says that he should come to her after school every afternoon for tutoring. "I can't!" he exclaims. "That's when my band practises." She puts her hand on his and says that his parents think he should give up the band until his marks improve (and, furthermore, that they were too cowardly to tell him this themselves). He insists that he can do both. "You're in very real danger of losing your year," she tells him, and then takes his hand again. "You don't want that, do you?" Wheels looks awkward (I don't blame him) and shakes his head.

Ok, so… I know we already had a whole thing about how if Ms Avery touches you it doesn't mean anything because she's like that with everyone, but given the theme of this episode, that scene is just… uncomfortable.

In the bathroom, LD is resentfully brushing her hair. Lucy comes in, and LD asks her advice on two different hairstyles: a normal ponytail, or a shapeless pile-up of hair on top of her head. Lucy, who must have some nefarious motive for sabotaging her, says the second option is better. LD then starts angsting about how messy she looks and how boys only notice her when they want to play baseball. Ugh, don't you just hate when boys ask you to participate in shared hobbies?

"If you want to look glitzier you should try some makeup!" Lucy chirps. Uh-oh. LD says she doesn't know anything about makeup, but Lucy says she knows lots because "my parents sent me to special lessons!" She offers to do a makeover, and LD is thrilled. Presumably she doesn't know that the last girl Lucy made over ended up scantily clad in clashing animal prints and then got arrested. Lucy brags about how much makeup she has and how much fun they'll have, all while backing into a cubicle and shutting the door. I guess she really needed to pee.

Spike's at her locker (for some reason, she has a glossy black-and-white photo of herself taped up inside) when Shane walks up to her. His hair is very big today, and he's wearing a plaid shirt with bright-red medieval jester leggings. It's a sexy, sexy look. "I told them," he announces. "You told your parents about the baby?" Spike answers, in case anyone missed the last few episodes and has never heard anything about this show.

Shane says his parents want everyone to get together and talk. "Oh no, that's horrible!" Spike groans. Spike and Shane both freak out at the mortifying idea of their parents meeting, because that's going to be the worst aspect of this whole pregnancy hoo-ha. "What did they say?" Spike asks. "Parental garbage, you know, responsibility and stuff. You know how ministers can be,'" Shane mumbles. Well no, I don't know how ministers can be. The last time we saw Shane's dad he was talking about crack. Is that standard for ministers?

As Lucy and LD leave the building after school (Lucy going on about how her parents are "cool" about her bringing friends over, mainly because they're not there to notice), Mr Colby runs up to them. He puts his hand on Lucy's shoulder and says, in a deep, soothing voice, "I didn't get a chance to tell you in class, but I found your paper very moving. You really captured the sadness of when a best friend moves away. This Voula sounds very nice." Wait, are we talking about the same Voula? Because she wasn't all that nice.

Also, what a smooth, un-awkward way to explain the sudden disappearance of a major character, Degrassi.

Lucy says she and Voula are still friends and are going to a movie that Saturday. Mr Colby pats her on the shoulder some more and tells her to keep up the good work, then leaves. LD, watching from a few inches away, scowls. "He sure likes to touch you," she remarks when Mr Colby is gone. "I like him," says Lucy. "He treats me like I'm special, you know?" LD says it's creepy when teachers are too friendly (with the obvious exception of Ms Avery because that's just the way she rolls). "There's no such thing as too friendly," says the blissfully oblivious Lucy.

A little later, LD and Lucy arrive at Lucy's house. Lucy is wearing beige plus-fours and white knee socks à la Tintin. "I really like your house," says LD. Lucy wisely refrains this time from saying that it doesn't compare to her alleged loft in Manhattan, and just says, "Yeah, I like it too." She's learning.

She plays the messages on the answering machine. First is the obligatory call from her neglectful working mother, saying that she and Mr Lucy won't be home any time soon because they love money more than their daughter. Also, they have to meet the lawyer on Saturday to go over her shoplifting case. Don't shoplift, kids, because the ensuing legal battle is a total drag.

Next is a message from Voula, saying that she can't go out with Lucy because her stereotypical immigrant parents said she's not allowed see Lucy any more. They said that months ago! Is that the best excuse she can come up with? Anyway, it doesn't matter, because that's the last we'll ever hear of Voula. Lucy looks crushed, but quickly hides it (because hiding your feelings is a vital survival skill if you're the tragic child of a neglectful working mother) and drags LD downstairs to be skanked up.

A bit later, LD is wrapped in one of Lucy's sparkly (presumably stolen) scarves, and wearing an unflattering shade of bright red lipstick and waaay too much mascara. Lucy's putting large amounts of blue eyeshadow on her, but only on the outer halves of her eyelids for some reason. I think Lucy's "special lessons" may have taken place at clown college.

"Were your parents angry when you got caught shoplifting?" asks LD. What, is she considering getting some sparkly scarves of her own? "Not as mad as Voula's," says Lucy. "They were kind of disappointed. They worked hard at being good parents after that. We had dinner together and stuff, and we went on family picnics. It was kind of neat. But now they're real busy again. I don't mind." So: if you shoplift as a cry for attention, your parents will drag you on boring picnics for a couple of weeks, then go back to ignoring you, while you manfully pretend not to care. Good to know.

"Do you ever get lonely?" asks LD, who's apparently decided to interview Lucy to pass the time. "I like to be alone," says Lucy. "I'm independent." Oh hey, I'm beginning to get this vague sense that Lucy… isn't always entirely honest about her feelings. Am I crazy for thinking that?

LD babbles about how she was "so scared" when her dad went to hospital. Lucy valiantly manages to keep trowelling on the makeup throughout. At some arbitrary point, she declares herself to be finished, and turns LD around to look in the mirror. "I look too different!" she exclaims. "No you don't," says Lucy. "You're just not used to it. All the guys will notice you now." Yeah, no doubt about that. Not content with what she's already wreaked, Lucy then starts tying up LD's hair in another scarf.

A bit later, LD is finally making her escape. She's still wearing the scarf in her hair, and promises to bring it back next week. "Take your time, I've got lots!" says Lucy. How many of those things did she steal, seriously? LD starts to go, then turns back and admits, "I kinda miss Voula too." Lucy shrugs and says, "She's changing anyway." Mean! Just because your friend is going through puberty is no reason to stop liking her. "She says she likes it out there. I mean, the suburbs? Talk about tacky." …oh, that kind of change. Wait, Lucy doesn't live in the suburbs? But there's literally a white picket fence around her house! I do not understand this show.

Anyway, LD goes, and Lucy stands in the doorway looking morose for a minute, before she represses her feelings and goes back inside. No misery here, nu-uh! As soon as the door is closed, LD goes over to a nearby van and checks herself out in the wing mirror. She's horrified to find that she looks like a kabuki mask, and immediately starts trying to get the makeup off.

Next day, the Grade 8s are debating the death penalty. Everyone's getting very worked up. An example of their considered political statements: "If I knew I could get executed, I sure wouldn't murder anyone!" Lucy chips in with some statstics, and Mr Colby uses the opportunity to sit down near her… on Wai Lee's desk, completely blocking the kid's view of anything except the back of Mr Colby's lemon-yellow sweater. Poor Wai Lee.

The discussion starts to degenerate into a free-for-all. Mr Colby seems to lose interest in it completely, possibly because he's extremely distracted by the very small area of chest that Lucy's displaying. She's oblivious, as she's locked in a no doubt very rewarding philosophical discussion with Steph, but LD notices and looks deeply concerned. Or something; she sort of only has one facial expression, a vaguely sleepy frown. But the background music's real ominous.

Once the bell goes, Steph goes after Alexa, futilely demanding her clothes back again. I know Steph had resolved to dress less slutty, but did she really have to go so far in the other direction? She's wearing a pink-and-yellow floral blouse, buttoned all the way up to the neck, and a salmon-pink suit jacket. I'm pretty sure no 14-year-old in human history ever voluntarily dressed like that. Anyway, Alexa still insists the clothes were a gift, blah blah.

Wheels is still getting a hard time from his bandmates for trying to get an education. "I tried everything," Wheels insists. "[My parents] won't let me play until my marks get better. You guys can play without me." "No way, man!" Joey answers. "It's not the Zit Remedy if we're missing a Zit!" Wheels starts to smile at this, but then frowns when he looks back into the classroom and sees Lucy still talking to Mr Colby. "Lucy and Colby, together again," Joey says. "He sure seems to like her," Wheels remarks. "It's kind of weird." As more ominous music plays, there's a very very long shot of Mr Colby leaning over Lucy and talking. Yep, I'm sure this will end well.

That afternoon, everyone's going home. LD's sitting outside the door, waiting for Lucy. When Lucy comes out, she's accompanied by Mr Colby, who has his hand on her shoulder and is droning on about how she's so special and bright and sensitive and sparkly. LD watches with a look of homicidal rage.

Once he's out of earshot, LD comes up to Lucy and tells her, "Today in class, he sort of looked down your top." Lucy looks disgusted and asks, "Why are you making this up? Finally a teacher likes me, and you're trying to spoil it. Thanks a lot." LD insists she's telling the truth: "I just think you should be careful, that's all!" "Yeah, of being friends with you," Lucy snaps. Oooh, great comeback. Really.

"What'd I do?" LD asks. Lucy snaps. "You're too chicken to wear makeup, and you're too chicken to talk to boys. You're just jealous." "Well, at least I don't shoplift!" LD shouts. It's a pretty valid point, but Lucy for some reason takes offence and walks off.

We then see a close-up of the Lucy family's answering machine playing a message from Mrs Lucy: "I've got to rush to the airport to pick up a client. There's ten dollars on the fridge for pizza. See you soon." So, in case you hadn't picked up on it from one of the earlier subtle hints, it seems that Lucy's parents are too busy to pay her much attention. And the makers of the show are too busy to turn this into an actual scene with visible people in it. Life imitating art. Or "art", at any rate.

Next morning, Wheels arrives at school wearing some kicky glasses that are eerily like a pair my mother had about the same time. Combined with his mullet, the overall effect is very 1970s terrorist. Ms Avery immediately comes over to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and tells him how "smart" he looks in glasses. At least she doesn't tell him he's bright and sensitive, because I think even Wheels could see through that lie.

For once, we're narrowly spared another scene of guys peeing; Joey and Snake are just leaving the bathroom as they discuss their troubles. "Can't we get another bass player just until Wheels comes back?" Snake asks. "Who?" says Joey indignantly. "We can't replace Wheels – the man's got talent."

That selfsame talented man comes up behind them, and asks what they think of his new look. "Since when do you wear glasses?" asks Snake in thinly veiled disgust. Wheels looks panicked and rambles about how none of this was his idea and Ms Avery made him go to the eye doctor and there were tests involved and please don't beat him up. Eventually, Joey takes pity and tells him to relax: "They're cool, man. Very cool. But you're not going to wear them on stage, right? Who's ever heard of a rock star in glasses, right?" Joey and Snake crack up laughing. Wheels tries to compare himself to John Lennon, but it doesn't help much because Joey's never heard of him.

Wow, the 60s weren't even that long ago when this show was made. That's mental.

Steph's at her locker, making sure her ugly pleated blouse is pleated just right, when Alexa walks up (wearing a navy sweatshirt and some very ill-advised turquoise tapered trousers) and hands her a big plastic bag. Steph reaches in and pulls out the infamous geometric boob tube. "My clothes!" she exclaims, sounding happier than at any other point in the show. "My mum found them," Alexa explains. "She said they made me look like a lady of the evening. I'm grounded for two weeks!" What, you can't say "lady of the night" on kids' TV? Or is a "lady of the evening" a less hardcore version who only does hand-holding and the occasional peck on the cheek?

"And they looked so good on you, too," Steph sympathises insincerely. Alexa glowers at her and marches off. Steph paws through the bag of Skankwear, fantasising about how many elections she'll steal and how many soap stars she'll seduce. Oh, the sordid possibilities!

Some time later, Mr Colby's class is just finishing. (Today's sweater is a vaguely '80s-futuristic grid pattern with lavender cuffs and neckband.) When the bell goes, he calls Lucy back. She looks chuffed and goes up to his desk, while LD stands in the background looking like the apocalypse is nigh. "Listen," says Mr Colby, "I'm not familiar with all of Mr Raditch's systems. I wonder could you stay for a bit and help me out?" Mr Raditch's systems? That is the flimsiest excuse ever. What does that even mean? And, assuming it's something to do with classroom admin or whatever, why would a 14-year-old kid know how to… do whatever it is one does with these systems?

So, creepy-ass rendezvous successfully scheduled, Mr Colby then decides to leave the room. There is… no discernible reason for this, but it gives us another glimpse of LD standing doomily in the doorway.

Downstairs, Joey and Snake are bitching about how their lives have been totally ruined by Wheels temporarily qutting the band. Suddenly, they hear some distant bass music, and go into the auditorium to find Simon furtively strumming Wheels's bass. He's a good player; he knows even more notes than Wheels! Maybe as many as five or six!

Simon's terrified when he sees the others watching him, but they've both immediately decided to exploit him, and start gushing fakely about how awesome he is. It's actually mildly amusing. Intentionally, I mean. What's the world coming to?

Meanwhile, Wheels arrives in Ms Avery's classroom for his tutoring. Today she's eschewed the shirtdresses in favour of a matching shiny blue ankle-length skirt and oversized blazer, and a brown version of the communal belt. Very "Star Trek meets office casual".

She coyly tells Wheels that they're going to have his marks up in no time. Her tone and stance are, again, vaguely inappropriate.

Random filler shot of a lady janitor mopping the floor as everyone goes home. Although she's not the semi-regular lady janitor of future episodes. So, egalitarian paradise that it is, Canada apparently has lots of lady janitors.

Back in Mr Raditch's room, Lucy's cleaning the blackboard. I can't believe the Grade Eights had "grimy" as a spelling. Mr Colby returns, shooting a stealthy look up and down the corridor as he walks in. Lucy sits down, and Mr Colby shuts the door. He paces around the room and starts talking about how Lucy is "mature beyond [your] years", and how her paper about Voula showed him just how mature and sensitive she was. "I know what loneliness is like," he says, sitting down on a desk behind her. His face is so high up that most of it is cut out of the shot for the rest of this scene. "When I got divorced, it was like you wrote about Voula…" Oh, come on! It's not enough that he's a pervert; he also has to bore the poor girl to death with stories about his divorce?

Lucy seems vaguely aware that this isn't quite normal conversational material, and asks, "What about Mr Raditch's systems?" "They can wait for a while," says Mr Colby. "I'm more interested in us. People like us. We need to… help each other." He then starts massaging her shoulder like George Bush hitting on Angela Merkel at the G8. Unfortunately, Lucy is too polite and/or disturbed to deliver a no-nonsense Teutonic smackdown, and just sits there looking uncomfortable while a headless Mr Colby breathes, "Relax… don't be so tense… you need a friend, Lucy…"

Meanwhile, in Ms Avery's classroom, Wheels is working away. He suddenly starts rooting through his schoolbag and announces he needs a book from his locker. "Well, you'd better go get it then," says Ms Avery, and you'll never guess what her tone of voice is like. SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES, DEGRASSI.

Mr Colby's still putting the moves on Lucy. Or, at least, on her latest scarf, which he's groping at clumsily with his fingertips. "This is a nice scarf," he whispers. "Is it silk?" "Uh… I think so. My dad brought it back from Thailand," Lucy answers. This is just surreal, and it's not helped by the fact that we're now seeing an extreme close-up which gives us a great view of Mr Colby's acne-scarred chin (although the rest of his face is still invisible). "Silk is such a sensuous material," he drones. "I love the feel of it. Don't you?" Lucy winces like this is the stupidest thing she's ever heard.

Just as the scene is vaguely approaching some actual dramatic tension, we cut to Wheels running up the stairs. The happy music makes it blatantly obvious he's about to save the day. Conveniently, his locker is right next to Mr Raditch's classroom, and the classroom door has a window in it, so (with the help of his new glasses) he immediately sees what's going on inside. He gawks in horror.

"Don't be scared," Mr Colby whispers to Lucy. Just then, the door opens, and he jumps up. "I came to get a book," Wheels explains. "Well, get it then!" Mr Colby shouts. Way to act casual, Mr Colby. Wheels gives him a filthy look and goes over to get his book, and Lucy makes good her escape. "I'm glad we had this talk, Lucy!" Mr Colby calls out the door. Uh, I think the jig is up. Wheels looks like he's a hair's breadth away from challenging Mr Colby to a duel. Which would be awesome.

Later, Lucy gets home, and calls out for her parents. But they're not home because they have jobs and don't love her. This is all their fault. Lucy sits down and cries as she listens to the latest answerphone message from her neglectful mother, who's congratulating her on her good marks. OH THE IRONY.

Just then, there's a knock at the door. Lucy wipes away her tears (MUST HIDE FEELINGS) and goes to answer it. It's a very sheepish LD, returning Lucy's lime-green scarf. Lucy says nothing, and LD realises something's up. There is much crying and hugging and bonding and sad, sad synth music.

Next day, Wheels is showing off his new Paedo-Detector glasses to Spike, who's politely faking interest. Joey and Snake come up and tell him he turned out to be easily replaceable. "But what about when I come back?" he bleats. "We can be the first band with two bass players!" says Snake brightly. "Two! That's right! Two basses! Two! Fresh! Two!" says Joey. Aaaugh, improvised dialogue.

The twins are waiting outside the girls' bathroom, when Steph emerges, wearing a mint-green miniskirt and the geometric boob tube. "Watch out Simon! You've got him now!" say the twins. Just then, Simon and Alexa walk by, holding hands. "Hi, Simon," says Steph in her sultriest voice. "Hey, twins," says Simon politely. Burrrn.

Lucy's walking up the stairs when she meets Mr Colby (who's wearing a grey version of the blue scribbly sweater from the start of the episode. I'm a little disappointed by his lack of originality). "I'm sorry about yesterday," he begins, then hastily adds, "not that anything happened, of course." Smooth. "We never did get to Mr Raditch's systems. How about trying again this afternoon, after school?" Lucy gives him a death stare and answers, "No, Mr Colby, not in a million years." Mr Colby looks deeply shocked, like he can't believe his creepy, illegal chat-up techniques have failed.

On her way into the classroom, Lucy's stopped by Wheels. "Look, I saw him touch you," he says. Pretty much the most awkward conversational opener ever. "You gonna do anything about it? If you need a witness or anything…"

"Would you?" asks Lucy. "Sure," says Wheels. Lucy smiles, and says "Thanks." And… that's the end of the episode. Just like last time, we're denied any kind of closure. Presumably because writers who can write that kind of dramatic scene cost more. Sigh.

Dubious lessons of the week: However supposedly dreamy your substitute teacher may be, it's kind of unpleasant if he actually molests you. Luckily, molestation only consists of touching someone's shoulder and talking about accessories. And if a female teacher flirts with a boy, it's all good fun.

S02 E01– Eggbert

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 15:35:00 +0000

I'm back! Didja miss me?

Season 2 begins in fine style, with that obligatory staple of every teen drama: the one where some kids have to take care of a fake baby. Of course, usually this is a school project intended to scare the characters (and the audience) into using a condom, dammit, but this being Degrassi, someone's already pregnant, and it's just the audience getting educated. And boy, are they going to get educated.

We open with a shot of some eggs, and a voice explaning, "When I got pregnant…" Wow, we're only seconds into Season 2, and we're already approaching the giddy metaphorical heights last seen with the flowers of lesbian symbolism. They've really raised their game this time round.

As the camera pans out, we see that Spike's sitting in a room surrounded by girls with basketballs under their tops. One of them is monologuing resentfully about how when she got pregnant, her boyfriend wanted to help, but his father wouldn't let him get involved. Shockingly, it seems teenage pregnancy is still a complex and difficult issue, just like it was last season.

(Also, because it's 1987, everyone's jeans are two inches too short, and there's a whole pile of boxes labelled "Computer Paper" in the corner of the room. Remember that stuff? Ugh, I'm old.)

Spike is listening very intently, and the Spike 'n Shane Angst Theme is playing softly in the background. Fortunately for all of us, the woman in charge of the support group interrupts the random girl's tale of patriarchal injustice, because she has something much more important to talk about: eggs. Or, as she puts it, "A lot of you have asked what it might be like if you decide to keep your babies. I can't tell you that, but I can suggest an experiment that will help you see one aspect. You take an egg, and for two full weeks, you treat it as if it were an infant." Breastfeeding an egg sounds… challenging. I'm sure I could think of other ways in which an egg isn't very much like a real baby, but the screaming of my neighbour's newborn is distracting me.

Anyway, they have to keep the egg warm, protect it from "abuse and accidents" (because there are hordes of paedo scumbags out there just waiting for you to turn your back on your eggs for a second), and make sure it's not left unattended. They also have to arrange "appropriate daycare" for when they're at school, or else take it with them. No explanation on what constitutes appropriate daycare for an egg; I assume they have to leave it with a friendly hen or something.

So, childrearing: difficult. But in case anyone hadn't got the message, the lady corners Spike after the session and tells her, "Taking care of an infant is going to make a big difference in your lifestyle." Spike looks like this fact had genuinely never occurred to her before. Can she manage to raise this eggbaby and spend three hours a day styling her hair? Stay tuned to find out.

After the opening credits, we're back at school. Even though it's meant to be right after the Christmas holidays (there was snow on the ground at the end of last season/term), it's clearly summer. Apparently Season 1 was made during the school year, but after that the show was filmed in the summer holidays, so henceforth the weather is always sunny and everyone always wears shorts. In addition, everyone has aged visibly since last season. It was obviously a very stressful Christmas.

Speaking of stressful, Shane is sitting on the steps, looking tortured. Kathleen, still a bitch, speculates on whether he got any more girls pregnant over the holidays. Then says a bright friendly hello to him. Awww.

Spike's with the twins. One of them (I'm guessing it's Heather because she's showing less skin) asks her if she still feels sick every morning. "No, that's over," Spike says, "but I'm starting to get fat." This is the second time we've been told that pregnancy will make you fat. Seriously? I think this would not really be news to most teenagers. Anyway, the girls obligatorily deny that she's fat, but she insists she is, and that everyone will stare, and a lot of people *coughShanecough* already stare at her.

Remember, girls: sex will make you into a fat circus freak. Never have sex.

On cue, Shane shuffles over and tries to say hi, but Spike tells him there's "nothing to say", and the twins give him identical death glares. "What a creep!" Spike mutters to Heather.

Remember, boys: if you try to maintain any kind of relationship with the mother of your unborn child, that makes you a creep. Stay far away!

All this time, Spike's been carrying a little cardboard box, and Erika (who's now spelling it Erica, according to the credits) asks her what's up with that. Spike replies that she's "sort of babysitting an egg". Yeah, that's a helpful response that instantly clarifies the situation. Anyway, she explains vaguely to them that this will "help me to find out what taking care of a baby is like", which is still COMPLETELY UNTRUE, WTF.

Meanwhile, some of the Grade 7 girls are watching them, and Kathleen offers some words of wisdom: "Pregnant girls shouldn't be allowed at Degrassi. Spike should go to a home or something. She sets a bad example." Yeah, when the other girls see how much fun Spike is having, they'll all want to get pregnant! Caitlin is predictably righteous and indignant, while Melanie and Susie sarcastically ask if Shane should have to go to a home too. "He's not pregnant!" Kathleen replies. Ah, Kathleen: still bravely flying the flag for small-town closed-mindedness.

In a classic Degrassi scene… Wheels and Joey are urinating. Again. At least we're spared the sound effects this time, and just have to listen to Joey's nonsensical rambling. "You're French kissing a chick, right? And then she bites. Your tongue gets infected so you can't talk. It happens all the time." It… does? Wheels, who's really been working on his mullet over the holidays, suggests that if French kissing was so dangerous, people wouldn't do it. Just on cue, in comes Shane, that guy who did a risky thing and suffered dire consequences.

"Shane, my man! You know about chicks," Joey begins. Shane continues to look tortured, but concedes that he knows "a bit" about them. "'A bit?' You got Spike pregnant, right?" answers Joey. Shane takes offence at this, and threatens Joey with… a comb. After some tense glowering, he relents and puts the comb away. Phew. That could have turned real ugly.

"What's going on with you and Spike anyway?" asks Wheels. Shane says that she won't talk to him. Wheels asks what his parents say about it, and Shane admits that he hasn't told them. "They always want to send me to private school, like my brothers. I like it here. If they knew about Spike…" At this, Joey and Wheels just shrug and leave the room. As you do. Seriously, they're the worst friends ever. An extra-waily version of the Spike 'n Shane Angst Theme wails in the background.

Out in the hall, Steph is going through her locker, taking out all her Hideous Skankwear and throwing it in the bin. She's wearing a pink high-necked blouse with ruffles and bows, and looks like the love-child of a Victorian librarian and Princess Diana.

Alexa breezes over to her and asks what's going on. "I don't need these any more," Steph explains, throwing what looks like a large collection of Mardi Gras beads into the bin. Well, yeah, those probably aren't the most useful things to keep around. "This term, I'm going to be mature and responsible. I'm going to be the real me." Wait, which is it? Is she going to be mature and responsible, or is she going to be herself?

Alexa's eyes bulge out eagerly and she asks if she can have Steph's old clothes. Steph says that's fine, and tosses her a geometric-print boob tube. "I can't believe you're throwing this out!" Alexa gushes. Steph smirks at her. "It's OK for you, Alexa, but I'm school president. I have to look more adult." Actually, her outfits last term were disturbingly adult.

Meanwhile, Yick is digging through some locker crap, as always, when Arthur sneaks up on him and starts squirting him with a water pistol. I think they've officially crossed the line into blatant flirtation.

They're interrupted by an adorably geeky little boy, who asks them how to find Ms Avery's class. Yick and Arthur stare at him, then give him directions. "Why are you looking for 7C?" asks Yick. "It's my class!" says the new kid, before skipping off, full of the joys of fake spring. Yick and Arthur look utterly disgusted. "Since when do they allow little kids in junior high?" Arthur asks. "I don't like little kids," growls Yick, who apparently got a bumfluff moustache and a gravelly voice for Christmas. "They're so immature."

In Mr Raditch's classroom, Spike (who's rocking a pink satin nightshirt and pinstripe waistcoat worthy of Claudia Kishi) is proudly showing off the egg to her classmates, who inexplicably are interested. Even Steph. Someone actually calls it cute. They have little enough to amuse them up in Canada.

Alexa grabs the egg and decides it needs a face drawn on it. "Just be careful, ok?" asks Spike. See, she's learning already: you have to make sure your friends are careful when drawing on your baby. Otherwise it's just bad parenting.

"I thought you were going to give your baby up for adoption," says Lucy. Spike explains that ~~that was just an idea she considered in order to provide a B plot for the Wheels Is Totally Adopted episode~~ she keeps changing her mind. Lucy, none too politely, tells her she's too young to be a mother. Could that be because motherhood is difficult and will necessitate changes to one's lifestyle? You heard it here first. And second. And third.

"I'd keep it!" Alexa chirps. "I love babies!" She holds up the egg, on which she's drawn a cartoon face. Somehow, it's a very '80s cartoon face. They don't draw cartoon faces like that any more. "Now it needs a name," she decides. Spike looks depressed , which is her standard response to most things. Lucy snaps that it's just an egg, but Alexa, who's getting way too into this, insists it's a baaaaaby. "Call it Eggbert!" says Heather. "It looks like an Eggbert!" I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. "It doesn't look like a Spike." Everyone giggles forcedly. Luckily, nobody's tasteless enough to speculate on whether it looks like a Shane.

The bell goes, and the Zit Remedy guys come in. "Check out Steph's clothes!" Joey whispers. "She must be going to a costume party or something," Snake says. "As what?" Joey answers. "A nun?" Uh, I'm pretty sure nuns don't actually wear that much pink. Not for everyday wear, at least. Maybe for Easter or something.

In comes Shane, and I'm beginning to think this actor was cast solely for his ability to look suicidal. He stares at Spike, she glares at him, the Spike 'n Shane music plays, you get the idea.

Finally, Mr Raditch walks in, and welcomes the kids to another term of "fun and excitement", by which he presumably means "batshit-crazy issue-driven drama punctuated by stultifying Yick-and-Arthur subplots". He's followed by another new kid, who he introduces as Simon Dexter. You can tell Simon is supposed to be sexy and glam because he has floppy blonde hair, a leather jacket, and sunglasses. Also because Alexa and Steph are shooting him looks of insatiable lust.

Simon sits down, and Steph and Lucy whisper about how he looks like "the guy from the Super Crunch Delight commercial". Yes, Simon is a small-time teen star. Because piffling quasi-fame is an issue so many kids have to deal with in their day-to-day lives.

Spike is still staring at the egg. That thing will get confiscated if she's not careful, and I'm pretty sure the support-group lady won't look on that too kindly.

Meanwhile, Ms Avery, wearing a blindingly yellow shirtdress and the communal diamante belt, is introducing her class to the little boy from earlier. He's been accelerated to junior high, and his name is Scott, but he says everyone calls him Scooter, which Ms Avery goes along with because she's a liberal. Yick stares fixedly at Scooter, but Arthur gets his attention back by squirting him in the face with his water pistol. It's all rather Freudian.

After class, Shane is following Spike around again. He claims that she can't stay mad at him forever. "Wanna bet?" she snarks. "I'm sorry you got pregnant," he mumbles, "but it was an accident. Why can't we be friends like before?" "I wasn't pregnant before!" she shouts. Rick and Alex are walking by, and stare at her in fascination, because apparently the revelation that she wasn't always pregnant is big news.

Shane admits that he feels bad and wants to help. There's a close-up of Spike's face looking angst-ridden, and… wow, she kind of has a spectacular moustache all of a sudden. Oh dear.

Anyway, she considers it for a minute (the Shane thing, not her moustache) and then hands over the egg. "What's this?" he asks, proving yet again that he's not the sharpest knife in the box.

"That's Eggbert," says Spike. "You've got to take care of him for a week." Shane looks completely horrified, and says that the whole thing is dumb. "It's not!" Spike insists. "It's what taking care of a baby's like." For the last time: no. it. isn't. Anyway, Shane looks tortured, and there's some close-ups of the egg in his hand, his tormented face, the egg, etc.. "How do I explain this to my parents?" he asks. Spike just shrugs and, eggbaby safely palmed off, makes herself scarce.

A bit later, Shane gets home, hiding the egg in his shirt pocket, just like you do with a real baby. In an attempt to underscore how conformist and middle-class his family is, his mother is at home, baking. Although for some reason, she's wearing a leather apron. Also, remember when Tony Curtis was in drag in Some Like It Hot? I swear, she looks like a middle-aged version of that.

Tony Curtis asks Shane why he's late home, and he says he had to talk to someone. "A girl, no doot!" she teases. "You'd better watch out for those girls, Shane." Yeah, the girls of Degrassi are terrible. So sinful and fertile.

Meanwhile, Shane's dad, who's been on the phone until now, hangs up and starts fretting over the delinquent son of some acquaintance. "Tell me, Shane," he asks, "do any of the kids in your school do drugs? Have you ever heard of something called crack?" Shane's dad has an interesting line in small talk.

As Tony Curtis cracks egg after egg into a mixing bowl, lest we forget the egg-related theme of this episode, Shane's dad (who's a minister, just to ramp up the idyllic middle-classness of this family) drones on about how kids these days are continually "messing themselves up one way or another", and how he appreciates what a "fine young man" Shane is. If Shane has been responding to every such comment for the last few weeks with the same look of panicked insincerity, I cannot believe they haven't rumbled him yet.

Later that week, Shane's carrying the egg to school in… a plastic baseball cap for some reason? Huh. Random people are making chicken noises at him and saying things like "You and the egg have a big weekend planned?", because being seen in the company of an egg is apparently hilarious. I don't understand people sometimes.

Steph tells the twins that she saw the Super Crunch Delight commercial again, and it's definitely Simon in it. Erica isn't sure. "You guys have been acting like narbos all week," Heather complains. "If you want to find out if he's in the commercial, just ask him." That's right, folks: "narbo" is the new "broomhead". Just then, Simon goes by, and Erica hitches up her skirt by about a foot. When he's gone, she and Steph make hysterical squealing noises. Ugh, fangirls.

Upstairs, Shane is still getting mocked. Joey and Wheels and Snake come over and swap "hilarious" egg-related puns, which I won't repeat here, because I'm nice like that. Shane continues to look tormented.

Arthur is reading a comic book, when Yick sneaks up and squirts him in the face with a water pistol of his own. They proceed to squirt at each other. Then they catch Scooter staring at them, and get mad, and threaten him with their water pistols. He runs off. This is, hands-down, the feeblest Arthur and Yick non-story ever.

In Mr Raditch's classroom, Shane's studying when some guy leans over and steals the egg. "Please tell me a joke, Daddy," he says in what's presumably supposed to be an egg voice. "I promise not to… crack up!" Then he throws the egg to Tim, and everyone starts clucking again. Wow, way to be supportive, people. Shane gets the egg back, but not before Spike sees all the egg-throwing and fun. She's not impressed.

Just then, Lucy runs in, and announces to the class that she's having a party that night and they're all invited. Everyone cheers, even Spike, who you'd think would want to stay far, far away from Lucy's parties after the last one. "Another party? Your parents don't mind?" asks Steph. "They don't know," Lucy explains. "They're going out of town tonight." Because they have jobs and don't love her. Although I'm glad to see she's moved on from angst-ridden shoplifting, and is now making her abandonment work for her.

The Zit Remedy guys high-five and exclaim about how much they love Lucy's parties. And speculate on whether Shane likes them too. Alexa (already wearing the geometric boob tube from earlier) announces she's going to wear Steph's cast-off Hideous Skankwear. Spike looks excited for the first time ever. Shane, in a dramatic departure from his previous behaviour, looks tormented.

As everyone leaves after class, the guys are still going on about how great Lucy's parties always are (wait, didn't Joey and Wheels end up roaming aimlessly around upstairs at the last one, then disguise their boredom by bingeing on chips?). Alexa starts hitting on Simon. Two feet away, Steph and the twins are hatching a plan for Steph to hit on him at the party.

Shane comes up to Spike and, classy as always, asks her to mind the egg that night so he can go to the party. She refuses, and points out that if it was a real baby he'd have to stay home with it. Yeah, and if it was a real baby I suspect they also wouldn't be allowed to take it to class all week. He begs and begs (what, is he hoping to impregnate someone else tonight?), and eventually she sarcastically tells him to ask his parents to babysit. Shane looks deeply wounded at such a blatant allusion to his wussiness and dishonesty.

Downstairs, Alexa is asking Simon to go to the party with her. He's delighted. Steph lurks in the background with the twins, trying to get up the nerve to go talk to him, but he goes away before she can manage it. "He said he'd dance with me!" Alexa squees. "Wonderful," Steph snarks.

Scooter is on his way home, saying goodbye to the other Grade Sevens. When he says bye to Arthur and Yick, they ignore him, because apparently they're assholes now. He then shoots Arthur in the neck with a water pistol. Arthur thinks it was Yick, even though they have a truce, and they start arguing. High-larious.

Speaking of assholes, the Zit Remedy guys are giving Shane a hard time over having to stay home and babysit the egg. Seriously, they're a bunch of dicks. Shane just says nothing and looks, you guessed it, tormented.

That evening, Lucy's getting ready for the party, wearing her grooviest purple satin jacket. The twins and Steph arrive, and she lets them in, then says, "Don't touch the booze, ok? Ever since I got caught shoplifting, my parents haven't trusted me." Except for the part where they've left her alone all weekend.

At Shane's house, things are dull and bourgeois. How dull and bourgeois? He's doing geography homework while his dad and Tony Curtis play gin rummy in the semi-dark. And because this is TV, and they think we won't notice Shane's having a boring night otherwise, there's a grandfather clock in the corner ticking very, very loudly.

Things aren't going too well at Lucy's house: seemingly the only cassette (hee!) in the house has got all tangled up, so there's no music. Wheels and Snake are desperately trying to listen to a Walkman together, and everyone else is sitting around and looking sad. Also, Lucy's trying to make everyone use coasters.

Simon asks Alexa to go out with him on Monday. Does this make her a groupie? When she goes off to get him a drink, he sleazes to Snake that he looooves the way she dresses. She's gone all out with the Hideous Skankwear: geometric boob tube, hot-pink leggings that don't fit her very well, and some sort of sparkly I Dream of Jeannie-inspired robe. She tells Steph that she's got a date with Simon, and Steph replies, "You know those clothes I lent you? I want them back." Alexa refuses, and Steph actually offers to buy them back, but Alexa's having none of it. Steph sulks in her pleated librarian blouse.

Just then, Shane arrives. Spike demands to know where Eggbert is, and he produces it from his shirt pocket. "Lots of people bring their babies to parties!" he tells her. Yeah, but it's kind of annoying when they do. As the Spike 'n Shane music strikes up yet afuckinggain, Joey runs over and steals the egg. Then everyone starts throwing it around the room, while Spike watches in horror. This is totally what would happen with a real baby.

Eventually the egg gets passed back to Shane, and everyone shouts for him to throw it to someone else. He looks briefly conflicted, then cheers up for the first time all episode and throws it to Joey. What else would you expect from such a classy dude? Spike gives him the frowning of a lifetime.

She flounces out, and Shane gets the egg back and follows her. Everyone gets pissed off at him for ruining the party. You know, if the success of a party depends on having an egg to throw around, it's probably never going to be a very good party.

Outside, Spike gets mad at Shane for not taking care of the egg, and he says he did, even though it was embarassing. "You think this isn't embarrassing?" she yells. "I'm gonna get fat! I'm gonna have a baby!" All right, we get it.

You'll never guess what music is playing (in a tender, synthy version) at this point. Spike says she's scared, and Shane says he is too, but she claims that he's only scared of his parents finding out. "They're gonna find out eventually," she tells him. "You think people won't talk when I get bigger and bigger?" He insists he can't tell them, and she points out that she can't ignore it like he can: "Everywhere I go, I'm pregnant!" If I ever end up pregnant, I want a T-shirt that says that.

"I'm trying to help – it's just a stupid egg!" Shane shouts. That's no way to talk about your substitute baby! Spike says the egg's not the point, and throws it on the ground. We see a close-up of Eggbert's smashed face smiling bravely as his yolk oozes everywhere. This doesn't have quite the emotional impact that the writers apparently hoped it would.

"You say you want to help, until it becomes inconvenient!" Spike shouts. "You don't want to help – you just want to stop feeling guilty!" She storms off down the road, with Shane half-heartedly calling after her. Then he stands around for a bit, and stares at the smashed egg for a while, and since the scene is extremely badly lit, it's sort of impossible to tell what he makes of it all. Eggbert still seems happy, though.

Later that night, Shane comes home. Because they're still dull and wholesome and bourgeois, Shane's dad is studying the Bible while Tony Curtis knits something grey. "You're home early," says Tony.

Shane looks vaguely bilious as he announces, "Mom? Dad? There's something I've got to tell you."

Oh, man! Shane's unloading the dark secret he's harboured for weeks! His parents' illusions are about to be shattered and he's finally going to face up to his responsibilities! Surely we're in for some real drama now!

…Actually, no. That's the end of the episode. Damn you, Degrassi!

Dubious lessons of the week: Pregnancy makes you super-fat, which is totes the worst thing evar. Babies are ovoid, silent, don't eat, and are easily concealable in a pocket or small cardboard box. Never give away your favourite hooker clothes; you never know when you'll need to seduce a saxy minor teen star.

S01 E13 – Revolution!

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Joey's hanging out in the hallway, just chillin'. He says hi to Snake and reminds him about a band rehearsal tomorrow. So, the guys are still in that terrible band from last week. And he says hi to Spike, to remind us that she still exists and this show is still edgy as fuck. Just then, Steph walks by with the twins, and in a desperate attempt to impress her, Joey does that thing where you run and then fall onto your knees and slide across the floor really fast. Unfortunately he crashes into her and makes her drop all her stuff, so while he's babbling about being "Joey L. Jeremiah, L for Lover", she's irately picking books up off the floor. She tells him to go jump in a lake, and he semi-seriously asks, "Which one?", at which point he crosses a line and is suddenly pitiable rather than annoying.
Desperate to get rid of his last remnants of dignity, Joey (still kneeling on the floor) insists, "I'm a great guy once you get to know me! And I'm your slave! Whatever you want, I will do!" Steph says she wants him to leave her alone, and walks off. "So, see you later?" he calls after her. "Maybe we could go out some time?" I hate the Degrassi writers for temporarily making me feel sorry for him.

"Can you imagine going out with him?" Steph asks the twins. "I thought you liked Joey," says… one of them, I'm not sure which, because they're both dressed identically frumpy today. "He's funny and all," says Steph, "but not the kind of guy I'd go out with." And we go straight into the opening credits. So… Joey fancies Steph, and has no self-respect, and Steph has high, high standards. Got it.

Next day, I guess? Everyone's walking into school, and they're all bundled up in coats and scarves. Erika is freaking out about an upcoming English exam that Mr Raditch is giving. "Just study!" says Heather. "I'm not studying," snaps Steph, sensible as always. "It'll probably be on something like Shakespeare," says Erika, in a voice that suggests she's aiming for comic exaggeration, but you know what? It's an eighth-grade English exam, and we've actually seen them studying "Hamlet". I'd bet it's pretty reasonable to expect that Shakespeare will, in fact, be on the paper. Just sayin'.

So, Steph, she of the high standards, has finally sighted a man good enough for her. He is, of course, Wheels, whose mullet is looking especially mullety today, who plays keyboard in the worst teen band in Canada, and who is wearing a navy reindeer sweater. She fixes him with that praying-mantis mating stare of hers. Erika tells her to "put [your] eyes back in their sockets," and Steph claims, "I can't help it if I'm in love." Bad news, guys: the concept of love has now been irreparably defiled.

Meanwhile, on some staircase somewhere, Yick and Arthur and Melanie and Kathleen are studying. Arthur asks where the Zambezi river is. "Easy, it's in Africa!" says Yick. "The whole test is about Africa," says Kathleen. Heh. I think this episode is the only time we see Kathleen interact with Arthur and Yick, which is sort of a pity, because their general stupid behaviour would probably be a lot more entertaining if she was around to bitch at them.

Just then, Steph and the twins come down the stairs, and Steph stands there and ahems until the kids move out of their way. Arthur tries to say hello, but is ignored, for the thousandth time. The twins grin at her evil behaviour. Even Heather.

"She's not exactly the friendliest sister in the world," says Arthur unnecessarily. Seriously: everyone just saw him getting brutally snubbed, and the dignified thing to do would be not to mention the incident. Kathleen watches Steph and the twins disappear into the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, and complains, "We have got the worst-dressed school president in the whole country!" I don't know, it is the '80s. I'm sure there's some stiff competition.

Arthur listens meekly as the others tear his sister to shreds. Kathleen complains that ever since former sports rep Jason Cox left, bless his sexist heart, Steph hasn't bothered to find a replacement. Melanie suggests that Yick (who's conveniently messing around with a basketball, in case we'd forgotten that aspect of his character) would be a good sports rep. Kathleen agrees, in possibly the only recorded instance of her being nice and encouraging to a fellow human being.

In the bathroom, Steph is mid-transformation, wearing a pink bustier with the communal diamante belt and a prairie-style red skirt. (By the way, there is snow on the ground. It is not bustier weather. If such a thing exists.) "Do you think I should ask Wheels on another date?" she asks the twins. "I know our other ones have been disasters, but…" she shrugs, as if to say, "I basically don't know when to quit". Which would make her a pretty good match for Joey, in a way.

"What if he said no?" Steph worries. "I'd die of embarrassment." "How could anyone say no to Stephanie Kaye, school president?" asks Erika. As a former head of my school's student council, let me say this: contrary to popular belief, being active in school politics does not actually get you a lot of action. Just then, Steph takes off her long skirt, revealing a pair of tight black leggings. "School bombshell!" says Heather. There's something so very wrong about that phrase.

By the way, Erika is standing under an ornate Art Nouveau poster that reads "Penguin Dreams". Explanations on a postcard, please.

On the way to Mr Raditch's class, Joey and Snake are still arguing about band names. Joey wants to call the group Joey and the Jet Set. Yawn. "We already got a name!" Wheels insists. "The Zit Remedy?" Joey snaps. "You call that a name?" "We like it," says Wheels." Snake says that Joey's "other idea" is stupid, and Joey insists that there are tons of rock bands and they need to stand out. Their terrible music is pretty unique; doesn't that count for anything? "There's no way I'm eating live goldfish on stage," says Snake. As the guys sit down at their desks, Joey tells him to think of it as sushi, and insists that he'd do it himself only he has a convenient allergy to fish. This show is a lot better at unintentional hilarity.

Just then, Steph and the twins come in, and Steph sidles over to Wheels, teeth at the ready. She asks him to go to a movie that weekend. Without even considering his answer, Wheels says no, because he has to study. "Study?" she repeats in disgust. "You're not serious." Yeah, I mean, who in their right mind would pass up the chance to go on yet another bad date with Stephanie Kaye? He tells her that his last report card was bad, and he needs to do well in the exams or his parents will kill him (Wheels's academic ineptitude, by the way, will be an ongoing dull filler plot throughout the series). Steph just gives him a death glare as icy as a Canadian winter, and sweeps off to… her own desk, which unfortunately is right next to Wheels's, so it's not much of a dramatic exit. Also, everyone else totally heard this conversation: the twins are horrified, and Spike is trying very hard not to laugh. Spike never gets any funny lines, but I have to give her props for her readiness to laugh at other people's failures.

In comes Mr Raditch. He announces that he has their English exam ready, and with a Bond-villain-grade evil laugh, tells them it's "a real doozy". Proving yet again that he learned nothing from that episode about not picking on people, he specifically says that he hopes Joey's been studying, because he doesn't want him in his class next year. Wheels turns around to smile at Joey, but accidentally catches Steph's eye, and she looks like she's pondering how best to disembowel him: should she use a rusty hook, or her teeth? Hell hath no fury like a school president scorned.

Meanwhile, Ms Avery's preparing her class for their exam too. Apparently she's a geography teacher now? And still a liberal. They're being tested on "the fascinating continent of Africa", and she gives them that insincere teacher-spiel about how they don't need to be afraid of the exam, because she just wants to check on their progress. These kids are in for a horrible shock when they get to Mr Raditch's class next year.

After the bell goes, Susie comes over to Yick and tells him that she thinks he'd make a great sports rep. Melanie and Kathleen come over too, and continue to go on about how he'd be the greatest sports rep in the history of mankind, and Kathleen mentions the plot-relevant fact that sports reps always come from Grade 7. Yick meebles that he's not too good at politics, but Susie tells him, "It's not politics – it's fun! I should know, I'm vice-president." Yeah, I'm sure that's a thrill-fest. While some upbeat guitar music strikes up in the background, everyone mills around and tells him it's "good to get involved with school life", etc., and he should go tell Stephanie he wants the position.

Steph is just leaving Mr Raditch's classroom, ranting to the twins about how she's never been so embarrassed in her life. Well, she possibly shouldn't have asked Wheels out in front of the whole class. The twins bicker over whether his rejection is the absolute worst thing EVAR, or just the second-worst. Stephanie glares at Wheels, who's innocently bantering with Snake and Joey, and announces, "I'm going to make him pay for this. I don't know how, but I will." ~~And that was the last time anyone saw Wheels alive.~~

Erika stares at Wheels for a minute, then says, "I bet if you were really nice to someone, Wheels would be jealous." Steph asks who she should be nice to, and Erika ponders it before naming the only other guy Steph's talked to all episode: Joey. "But how nice would I have to be to him? I wouldn't have to go out with him or anything, would I?" Steph asks. "I don't know, maybe!" says Erika unhelpfully. Heather flails ethically in the background and is completely ignored.

Just then, Yick appears behind them. He announces that they don't have a sports rep and he wants the job. Steph stares at him, looking with particular disgust at his feet for some reason, and tells him that she's busy and they'll have to talk about it next term. Yick shuffles off, and Steph rolls her eyes, confused and mildly offended by the existence of a male who wants to talk to her about something other than her own hotness.

As Yick admits to the indignant Grade Sevens that he got nowhere, Steph looks back at him, then whispers, "I have an idea."

In the auditorium, the Zit Remedy guys are practising. This is the first time we get to hear their first and only song, "Everybody Wants Something". Not only is this their only song, but it only has two lines: "Everybody wants something, they'll never give up. Everybody wants something, they'll take ya mon-ey, and never give up." The guys have improved slightly since the random instrument-punching of last episode, but they're still hitting a lot of wrong notes. Once they finish, they congratulate themselves on how excellently they played.

Just then, Steph pervs in, flirting grin turned up to the max, and immediately puts her arm around Joey (with a perfunctory sarcastic hello to Wheels). Joey looks utterly terrified. "I never see enough of you," she purrs, while fiddling with his jacket buttons. "How'd you like to be … sports rep on the student council?" Wow, she really knows how to talk dirty.

Snake butts in and points out that Joey isn't on any teams, and actually hates sports. Joey's not too pleased with this attempted cockblocking, and says that he watches sports on TV. Wheels asks if there's supposed to be an election or something, but Steph tells him in her most withering voice, "I'm school president. I can do what I want." Wow, she's gone mad with power. From being school president. That's just sad.

Wheels shakes his head in a "what did I ever see in this psycho?" sort of way, but Steph ignores him, as she's back to leching on Joey: apparently him being sports rep means they're going to have to "work veeery closely together". Joey understands this to mean that there will be hot presidential sex in his future, and is 100% in favour of this development.

Steph goes back out into the hallway, cheered on by Erika, who's always kind of a ditz but not usually this evil. Joey (who has suddenly developed a terrible bumfluff moustache) is totally psyched at having just been molested by Steph, and announces, "Joey Jeremiah never gives up – and this is what happens!". Then he plays a little flourish on the keyboard. Wheels looks pretty pissed off, but insists he's cool with the whole thing, and the guys go back to rehearsing. I think they're playing worse again.

Next day, and someone has hung a big black-and-white poster of a pair of sexy legs in one of the upstairs windows. What the hell?

Anyway, Joey's in the bathroom, gelling his eyebrows with saliva and loudly telling himself, "You devil. How can you stand to be so good looking?" Yick walks by, and looks at Joey pretty much the way you'd usually look at someone in this situation. As Yick unzips and starts peeing, with realistic splashy sound effects (WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW IS FUCKED UP), Joey asks him, "Am I beautiful or am I beautiful?" Yick looks acutely uncomfortable and mutters that he doesn't like multiple choice. Also, that's a pretty weird thing to ask a near-stranger while they're urinating.

"If you were smart, you'd be nice to me!" says Joey. "You're talking to Degrassi Junior High's new sports rep!" Yick is pretty angry at this, and points out that Joey isn't on any teams, but Joey smarms that he's "a very close personal friend of Stephanie Kaye", and struts off. As the upbeat guitar music strikes up again, Yick glowers angrily (although he's thankfully not too angry to wash his hands) and contemplates revenge.

Steph and the twins are in Mr Raditch's classroom. Wheels and Snake come in, and Wheels casually ignores Steph and just keeps on talking to Wheels. Steph is enraged to see him getting on with his life, and gives him evils, and he is completely oblivious. By the way, Snake and Wheels are both wearing yellow sweatshirts on which they've written "The Zit Remedy !" in fabric paint. Joey's sweatshirt is neon pink, and says "alias Joey and the Jet Set" on the back. Because Joey is a tool. Anyway, Joey comes in, and Steph instantly drapes herself around him. He asks her if she wants to go out on Saturday, and she acts delighted. Wheels listens to the whole thing, shaking his head in disbelief, or jealousy, or something.

Meanwhile, Yick rushes into Ms Avery's classroom, and starts yelling at Arthur about how Steph made Joey sports rep. "Sports rep's a Grade Seven position!" says Melanie. "Joey's in Grade Eight." "The student council is supposed to be balanced!" Kathleen whines. "There's supposed to be a vote," says Caitlin, who has unwisely curled her hair this week. "This goes totally against the democratic system," says Alex sternly.

And for some reason, everyone's saying all this to Arthur. "Maybe she's got a reason for doing this?" he suggests feebly. "Whose side are you on!" shouts Yick, who's suddenly gone from being nervous at the idea of being sports rep to feeling that this position is his God-given right, and no skank in a boob tube is going to take it away from him. The whole thing instantly turns into a screaming match, until Ms Avery comes in and tells them all to be quiet and start studying. Although surely, if the exam is just a non-threatening checkup on their progress, there's no real need to study after all?

Anyway, the Grade Sevens are angry, and we next see a montage of them engaging in classic '80s-style political activism. That's right, they're putting up ornate handmade posters about how Stephanie is a terrible president. Lots and lots and lots of posters. They're also engaging in expository dialogue about how Steph only got to be president by trading votes for sexual favours, and was drunk at the big dance, and Nancy even complains about Steph not following through on her promise to introduce rock music on the PA. Ah, unfulfillable campaign promises. Welcome to politics, Nancy. And Rick is running a petition to have Stephanie impeached, and we all know how good Rick is at getting people to sign petitions.

Arthur, in a desperate attempt to smooth things over, has caught up with Steph outside the girls' bathroom, and is pointing out that the new student council is statistically unrepresentative, but she says (in an inappropriately sexy voice, ew) that seventh graders don't count, and she can handle this situation on her own. Because she's proved so adept at handling awkward situations in the past.

They're really having fun with montages in this episode. Backed by the sweet strains of "Everybody Wants Something", we now see, in quick succession: Steph dolling herself up, Steph hitting on Joey to the disgust of Wheels, and the Grade Sevens putting up yet more posters while chanting, "Out of the way with Stephanie Kaye!" This is sure to end well.

In the auditorium, the guys have just finished rehearsing. Joey thinks it was "excellent" as always, but Snake is labouring under the delusion that they might improve if they practise some more. Wheels announces that he has to go and study, Joey says the exam doesn't matter, and Wheels says he wants to pass. Get used to this scene: it will play out repeatedly throughout the series.

Snake tells Wheels to relax, and Wheels shouts very convincingly that he is relaxed. "Look, I understand how you feel, but we shouldn't stop being friends just because your girl chose me over you," Joey assholes. "A beautiful chick like Stephanie – I'd be real upset too. Then again, it wouldn't happen to me." Remind me again why either of the other guys is friends with this tool? Wheels snaps, "Joey, you're a real jerk, you know that?" and storms out, pausing in the doorway to make some sort of Canadian Mafia fist gesture at Joey.

"What'd I say?" Joey bleats. Snake doesn't dignify this with an answer.

After the break, it's the next morning. Close-up on Mr Raditch walking in with his briefcase. For some reason, he's wearing sunglasses in the dead of winter. He chirpily greets various randomers, telling them it's a beautiful day for an exam, and asks Joey if he's "sweating yet" before breaking into a high-pitched giggle. Clearly this man became a teacher because he enjoys inflicting psychological torture on people decades younger than him. Suppose it's as good a reason as any.

In the hallways, Kathleen, Yick, Melanie, Alex, and an extra are planning to confront Stephanie after class. "She won't be expecting us!" Kathleen announces. Although really, the ten thousand handmade posters and very public anti-Stephanie petition might have given her some sort of an inkling, if she wasn't too self-absorbed to notice them.

In the library, Wheels is idly rotating a bookshelf. I mean, it's a rotating bookshelf; he's not being randomly destructive. I'm very disappointed to report that none of the titles are particularly amusing this time, although some of them are in French, so I suppose the show hadn't yet started pretending to take place in the US.

Heather and Erika are sitting at a nearby table, talking loudly. "It's not faaaaair!" Heather complains. "Steph doesn't even like Joey!" (Wheels starts listening in from behind the bookshelf.) "Sure she does… sort of," says Erika weakly. In case any hidden listeners aren't entirely up to speed on the situation, Heather helpfully reminds Erika, "But not in the way he thinks she likes him. She's only using him to get back at Wheels for not going out on the date." "All's fair in love and war!" answers Erika, whose idea this whole thing was, so I suppose she would tend to defend it.

Anyway, Erika decides that since Heather has a vague shred of concern for Joey's feelings, she must totally have the hots for him, and the conversation degenerates into bickering. The elusive Ms Baxter tells them to be quiet, and Wheels sneaks out while they're distracted. He looks solemn, or maybe he's just sleepy.

Meanwhile, in the classroom, Mr Raditch is digging frantically through his desk drawers. Eventually, he realises that everyone is starting to stare at him, and he gives them all the frowning of a lifetime, then gets up and walks to the door with a strained grin, then breaks into a run, actually skating along the hall floor at one point, and nearly elbowing Wheels in the face. Wheels shakes his head at Raditch in disgust, apparently having lost the last remnants of his faith in humanity.

Once he gets to the classroom, Wheels gets straight to business. He sits down in front of Joey and announces, "Stephanie's using you. She's just pretending to like you so that I'll get jealous." Joey calls him pathetic, and Wheels said he heard Heather and Erika talking about it. "Really nice – trying to mess me up just before an exam. Thanks a lot, Wheels. Some friend you are," snaps Joey. Yeah, when Joey doesn't make it to Harvard, it's going to be all Wheels's fault.

Just then, Steph comes in, and says hi to Joey in her best sexy voice. Joey looks up at her distrustfully.

Hey, it's Lucy! Remember Lucy? She walks into the school office just in time to see Mr Raditch digging through a filing cabinet and arguing with Doris the School Secretary. "Of course I have a copy, but it's at home and there's no time to get it!" he shouts. So, in case you hadn't figured it out already, Raditch lost the exam paper. Hyuk hyuk.

Lucy asks Doris for a copy of her attendance records to give to her social worker. Doris goes back to the filing cabinet and shoos Mr Raditch out of the way, before getting Lucy's attendance file out of the same drawer where he was looking for the exam paper. So… they apparently keep all the school's paperwork in one drawer.

Lucy and Doris chit-chat about Lucy's upcoming court date. "I don't know how you could get yourself in such a mess," Doris says. Lucy doesn't bother explaining that it was the inevitable consequence of her mother having a high-powered job. In the background, Raditch flings a pile of paper on the floor, then runs out of the room. "Mr Raditch is acting weirder than usual," Lucy remarks, and Doris explains for the benefit of the slowest audience members that he did, in fact, lose the exam paper. Does this mean he can no longer mock Yick for being disorganised?

Ms Avery, dressed in head-to-toe pink for some reason, is handing out exam papers to the Grade Sevens. While she rambles soothingly about exam technique, Yick asks Arthur if he's going with them to gang up on Stephanie. "I guess so," says Arthur, who has obviously figured out which side he's on, and oddly enough he's not siding with the sister who lectures him on his own insignificance and won't speak to him in public.

Back in Mr Raditch's classroom, the kids are doing what fictional schoolkids always do when left unattended: throwing paper planes at each other and shouting "Wooooo!" Lucy tells Voula about Raditch losing the exam, and I'm sorry to tell you that this is the last time we'll ever see Voula: the actress who played her, Niki Kemeny, was advised by her agent to leave the show and aim for better things. And she never acted again. (Yes, seriously.) If it's any comfort, she's gone out in classic Voula style: today's peasant blouse is the frilliest one yet.

Joey's at the back of the class, getting some hasty last-minute coaching from Snake. Wheels keeps turning around and telling him to ask the twins if what he says is true. Eventually, Joey just gets up and goes over to the girls while Snake is in the middle of explaining something, but before he can ask them, Mr Raditch comes back in, clutching the exam paper, and tells him in a weirdly squeaky voice to sit down.

Raditch is hilariously dishevelled, by the way: he's taken his glasses off, his hair is a mess, his tie has been yanked loose, his scarf is hanging over one shoulder, and his shirt is untucked at the front. I would love to know what actually happened to him and who he had to beat up to get the exam paper back. He pants that he was "delayed" and asks a smirking Spike to hand out writing paper, then writes the exam questions up on the board. The camera pans slowly over the faces of the kids, while a distant choir eerily sings the school song. Everybody seems to be doing ok except for Joey, who looks utterly, utterly baffled.

Over at Ms Avery's class, the bell goes, and everyone gets up to leave. Once they're out the door, they march down towards the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, again chanting "Out of the way with Stephanie Kaye!" Wow, her name really lends itself to catchy political slogans.

Mr Raditch (who for some reason is reading a business magazine) announces that time's up. People start to get up and leave. Steph puts her hand on Joey's neck on the way out, and giggles, "See you later, Sports Rep." He just looks disturbed. Wheels then stops by yet again to tell Joey to talk to the twins. Eventually, Joey runs up to them just before they leave the room, and asks them, "Is Stephanie using me to get Wheels jealous?" There's a long, uncomfortable pause, and Erika says no just as Heather says yes. "Sorry," Heather mumbles.

The mob is still marching down to the bathroom, and they all seem to be having fun chanting, even though they're really having trouble speaking in unison. Arthur brings up the rear, looking acutely uncomfortable.

Wheels and Snake are outside the classroom, awkwardly improvising a conversation about the exam, when Joey comes over. "Hey Wheels, you were right. So, wanna come practice?" So… I guess they're all friends again? That was easy. All Wheels had to do was destroy Joey's self-esteem!

Stephanie finally arrives at the bathroom (with Voula in tow for some reason) to find the Grade Sevens waiting for her, still chanting. "What are they saying?" asks Voula, who apparently didn't notice any of the impeachment posters either. Steph walks up to Susie and icily asks, "Yes?" "As vice-president, I formally protest the appointment of Joey Jeremiah as sports rep," says Susie, who really knows how to suck the fun out of an angry protest. Steph just smirks and answers, "Joey's qualified," in a voice that implies his qualifications are to be found in his pants.

Everyone erupts at this, and Steph looks a bit terrified. Just then, she spots Joey and calls him over: "Tell them what a great sports rep you are." Joey calls for silence, then announces that he can't be sports rep because it's a Grade Seven position. Stephanie looks at him in a way that would make most people run away screaming, but all he says is "You don't have to be nice to me any more, OK, Steph?" As the Grade Sevens cheer wildly, Joey walks off with a very smug-looking Wheels.

As sad music builds (specifically a slow, minor-key version of "Everybody Wants Something"), Steph flounces into the bathroom. The bathroom, by the way, is festooned with a caricature of a busty hooker-type, with the caption "Is this a school president?", so this may not have been the best place to go for solace. As she puts on her fugly cover-up clothes for going home in, she tells the mirror that she just wanted everybody to like her. Really? She actually thought any of her previous behaviour would make her popular? …Stephanie does not understand human interaction at all.

This is helpfully illustrated with a string of Episode 1 flashbacks, in a clumsy attempt to pad out an episode that's basically over but has a couple more minutes left to run. We see Steph being mean to Arthur, her scantily-clad election speech about how "being president is a responsibility not to be taken lightly" (I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE), her kissing all the boys in exchange for votes, Voula looking disgusted at this, Steph thanking Joey instead of Voula, and finally Voula telling Steph, "You're on your own, Miss President, you and your new image… image… image…" Yes, it actually repeats like that, and it's just as awesome/terrible as you might expect.

Oh, present-day Stephanie is crying in front of the mirror at this point. She tries to wipe her eyes with toilet tissue, which is so cheap that it makes deafening crunchy noises. Nice. There is more sad music, because it's so tragic when people's assholish behaviour comes back to haunt them.

Not that anyone cares, but I think we're meant to assume that Yick is automatically sports rep now (so much for the democratic system). Also, the Grade Sevens were so distracted by this that they forgot to actually have Steph impeached; she's still president next season.

A little later, the Grade Sevens are standing around victoriously. Arthur, by the way, is wearing a tattered mustard-coloured scarf that L.D. was wearing at the start of the episode, and which ends up on one of the twins in a later episode. Damn wardrobe department. Anyway, Steph goes by and calls out to him, asking if he wants to walk home together. He looks surprised, then goes over to her.

Arthur makes a horrible attempt at starting a conversation. "You know something? Junior high is OK. I really liked my first term. What about you?" Oh, well, considering she drove away her best friend, vomited from too much Bailey's at the school dance, got in trouble for planning to have sex with Wheels, nearly got assaulted by a perverted TV star, and just minutes ago got hounded by an angry mob, I'd say she had a ball. "I made a lot of mistakes," she understates.

She stares back at the school in silence, which gives us a minute to ponder why her home clothes all have to be three sizes too big for her. "You know what?" she announces. "Next term is gonna be completely different. I'm gonna be me." "That's great!" croaks Arthur, presumably well aware that Steph being Steph is what got them all into this mess.

"I'm even gonna try to be nicer to you!" she tells him. He asks if he can talk to her at school, and she says yes, and if they can sometimes watch the TV shows he wants to watch, and she says yes, and if he can borrow her stereo, at which she jokingly tells him not to push his luck. Oh, Steph! We all know she'll be back to crushing his spirit within a week.

And that brings us to the end of Season 1. I think you'll all agree that we've learned a lot so far, but remember: there's lots more to learn in Season 2. Marvel at how the girls love a guy with a tragic past! Swoon over the ongoing Melanie/Yick love story! Gasp at the thrilling lessons on journalistic responsibility! Learn the truth about whether epilepsy is contagious! And scratch your head in bafflement at what passed for an attractive man back in the '80s!

Also: a friend and I watched "It's Late" at the weekend, and we tried out the Degrassi Drinking Game (for science). Our findings: if you do this with red wine, you will feel extremely sick. Luckily, neither of us had to give a speech to the PTA, so it was all OK in the end.

Dubious lessons of the week: Women are deceitful and manipulative. Thirteen-year-olds really care about having a balanced student council, but fortunately they also have very short attention spans.

S01 E12 – Parents' Night

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:21:00 +0000

We open on a shot of a rather mushy-looking birthday cake. Wheels is sitting on the couch, changing the strap on his bass guitar. The camera pans over the table, showing paper plates with crumbled-up pieces of cake (seemingly nobody found it too palatable despite its attractive blue-and-taupe icing) and a navy-blue birthday card with a painting of fishing boats, done in assorted shades of navy. It's the sort of birthday card that makes you happy you're one year closer to death.

Wheels's mother is ironing and lip-syncing to some English-language opera playing on the stereo. Her lip-syncing is actually kind of cute, although the music itself is suicidally bleak. "Now that's real music," she remarks, "not like that… rock noise you listen to, Derek. That's why we got you a good record." Wheels picks up the record (the South Pacific soundtrack) and sarcastically tells her he can't wait to listen to it.

Wheels's dad (he of the inept abstinence lecture from a few episodes back) then casually chimes in: "Derek, did you ever stop to think that maybe rock music is part of an alien plot to take over the world?" Apparently Wheels is used to his dad's deranged conspiracy theories, because he just laughs and answers, "Right, Dad." Well, I suppose there's not really much you can say to a question like that.

Just then, the phone rings. Wheels gets up to answer it, while his parents reminisce fondly about crooners. But when he picks up the phone, there's nobody there. Cut to a hand in a pair of fugly bright yellow leather driving gloves, hanging up a payphone. As some wildly over-elaborate drumming kicks in on the soundtrack, Wheels announces that the caller hung up. "That's strange," says his mother. "That happened earlier today." Everyone looks vaguely mystified.

After the opening credits, Wheels is arriving at school with some randomer. In the foreground, we can see a car parked just next to the entrance, and the driver is wearing fugly bright yellow leather driving gloves. These things are so bad that very few people can actually have bought a pair, so it's safe to assume that the lurker is the same person who called the Wheels house.

More importantly, Wheels and the other kid are engaged in some spectacularly bad improvised dialogue. The other kid asks Wheels what he got for his birthday, and Wheels answers: "Oh, my mum made me a big cake and it had three layers of chocolate and stuff and, uh, I got some clothes and stuff and – and – my mum and my dad? They got me a, a guitar strap? For my guitar?" The other kid, who's feebly trying to interject things, asks what colour the strap is. Wheels mumbles: "Aw, it's excellent! It's – it's kinda like, I guess it's, I'm not really sure, like, it's got, it's got brow – brownish colours and stuff…" The guy goes on about how the guitar strap sounds like the most awesome thing ever, and Wheels then rambles about how he's in a band with Joey and Snake, and really it would have been much kinder to all concerned if the writers had just written the kids some dialogue for this scene, because seriously, improv is not one of their strengths.

While all this is going on, the man in the yellow gloves gets out of his car, staring fixedly at Wheels, and stands there watching him go into the school. Wheels doesn't notice this, since he's busy giving this lengthy yet vague description of his guitar strap, but Snake sees the guy and eyes him suspiciously. As you do.

Inside the building, Snake catches up with Wheels and announces he's thought of a great name for their band: Snake and the Charmers. Wheels smiles politely and says he doesn't think Joey will like it. "Joey?" says Snake. "That guy knows nothing about names!" Oooh, burn. But apparently they've got to decide soon, because, as Snake says, "the talent show is next week, and we're going to be fabulous". I'm sure you are, Snake. I'm sure you are.

Snake asks Wheels if he noticed the man looking at him outside the school. "Looking at me?" asks Wheels. "Probably some pervert," says Snake cheerfully. How reassuring. The guys then discuss their report cards; neither of them did well. At least they have musical careers to look forward to, right?

On the PA, Mr Lawrence announces that a doctor from the Board of Health is coming to give a lecture on scalp hygiene, entitled "The Facts of Lice". I love this show.

Because at least 25% of the action in each episode must take place in a toilet, Wheels next runs into Joey in the boys' bathroom. Joey is busy forging his mother's signature on his report card, since he "forgot" to show it to his parents. As Wheels starts peeing (sigh), Joey remarks that he wishes he had Wheels's parents, since his own "have got, like, ZERO sense of humour". I don't know, his dad made that hilarious joke about child abuse before.

Also, Joey's decided that the band should be called Joey and the Joybuzzers. Wheels says it's fine, but Snake won't like it. "That guy knows nothing about names," sneers Joey. Apparently, "knowing something about names" was a prerequisite for coolness back in the day. Who knew?

Just as Mr Lawrence announces that one of the mythical other teachers has given birth to a bouncing baby boy, we cut to Spike and the twins. Nice. Spike is unwisely experimenting with power-dressing, sporting a huge shoulder-padded suit jacket and looking vaguely reminiscent of Hillary Clinton during her husband's first term in office. You know, except for the giant punk hairdo. She's complaining that Shane won't talk to her any more (really, probably a good thing, considering his classy treatment of the whole pregnancy situation).

Just in case anyone missed the end of the last episode, Spike quickly recaps her dilemma: "I'm too young to have a baby, I don't wanna be a mother, and I don't wanna have an abortion, either." Erika asks if Spike would have an abortion and tell her mother it was a miscarriage, but her line is mostly drowned out by the bell (I had to listen four times before I could figure out what she was saying), so… that goes nowhere.

People come into the classroom, and Shane very pointedly ignores Spike's attempts to catch his eye. Still a tool, then.

Everyone has to leave their signed report cards on Mr Raditch's desk, and when Joey leaves his, Raditch asks him what his parents made of it. Joey smarms that his parents said nothing because "they're not too concerned about school and stuff". This is probably not the best way to slip under Raditch's radar, because he announces that he'll have to "get them concerned" on Parents' Night, which is upcoming. At this, Joey collapses theatrically into his chair, and everyone stares and laughs at him, even Wheels. Traitor.

"I know some of you are worried about Parents' Night – don't be. It's not a conspiracy," announces Raditch. It would be a bit more convincing if he hadn't just tried to make Joey worry about Parents' Night.

After class, Raditch reminds everyone that there's a rehearsal for the Parents' Night talent show in five minutes' time. Once out in the corridor, Joey wails, "I forgot about Parents' Night!" while walking past a giant Parents' Night poster. Parents' Night is rapidly shaping up to be the new Photo Day. There's some light-hearted banter with Snake and Wheels over whether Joey's parents will kill him, or just break his arms, and Joey insists he only hid his report card in order to make his parents' lives easier. If only all kids were as thoughtful as Joey.

At this, Snake points out that Parents' Night was announced on the report cards, so Joey's parents have no idea it's on, so Joey should just forge a note from his parents saying they can't be there. Problem solved. Wheels points out that it's a stupid idea, but nobody listens.

Once they're gone, Heather and Erika drag Spike out of the classroom. "I don't know about this," Spike moans. "Oh look, he talked to me about it once. Wheels doesn't mind being adopted," says Heather. So… it turns out Wheels is adopted all of a sudden. Glad we got that straight. Spike says Wheels was just one of the lucky ones, and ended up with nice parents (even if they are fond of show tunes and alien conspiracy theories). The twins insist that there are lots of nice adoptive parents out there, and anyway, Spike doesn't want to have the baby or have an abortion, so she has no other option. So there.

Next we see the talent show rehearsal, and it looks like "talent" may be a slight exaggeration. Even by Degrassi standards, this is just completely bonkers.

So, some kid in a top hat and Timmy Mallett glasses is playing backing music on a keyboard. On the stage, Caitlin's wearing pink short-shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, an oversized pith helmet and a waist-length blonde wig; she's accompanied by Arthur, who's wearing a cavalier wig, a huge wooden necklace, and an "ethnic" shirt. This is his attempt at drag. Caitlin having caught the rap bug two episodes ago, she's somehow talked Arthur into doing a rap duet, with lyrics as follows:

Caitlin: "I'm Phyllis!"
Arthur: "I'm Fran!"
Both: "We're going south to get a man!/We'd better find one soon, we're getting really tense/And since he's got to be just right/We've stayed up all night/Making up a list of his requirements…"

Then, while attempting to dance, they trip over each other. Seriously, the whole thing is insane.

(Also, the routine seems so massively out of character for Caitlin that I can only assume it's some sort of feminist cautionary tale, in which Phyllis and Fran end up discovering political lesbianism before becoming Marxist revolutionaries in Peru.)

Backstage, Wheels and the guys are getting ready for their rehearsal. Joey wants to shoot their first music video on top of a building, but Snake thinks that's passé, and in true '80s style, wants to shoot it in a studio "with smoke machines and dancing girls!" "What do you do," asks Joey, "rent your ideas from Bozo the Clown?" Uh, yeah. Clowns are notorious for their clichéd music videos.

Joey, by the way, is wearing a huge black-and-grey wig. He looks like a badger. He is not in a position to criticise anyone else's aesthetic choices.

Just then, Spike appears in the doorway and asks Wheels for a word. They go out and sit on a convenient staircase. Meanwhile, Joey and Snake argue over whether the music video should have a dream sequence or not. But the real question is: should they lose the sax solo?

Spike asks, "You know I'm pregnant, right?" Wheels nods awkwardly. So yeah, I guess we're meant to assume that one of the twins talked, because it seems to be common knowledge from here on. Spike explains that she's thinking about putting the baby up for adoption, and Wheels nods awkwardly again. This isn't really going too well. "Seeing as you're adopted, I was wondering if you could ask you some stuff." Wheels finally realises where the conversation is going, and relaxes slightly.

Spike asks if he ever thinks about his birth parents, and he says, "Sometimes." She then asks if he knows anything about what happened, and he says all he knows is that they were too young to keep him and that he was born at 6am. When asked if he's mad at them for giving him up, he thinks and answers, "No… I don't think so." Basically, he's willing to help, but completely inarticulate.

Caitlin and Arthur have finished rehearsing. Arthur in particular is an awful dancer, and Ms Avery proceeds to damn them with faint, insincere praise: "Okay, not so bad… needs a little work but that's what rehearsals are for. Don't you get discouraged!" Both kids look completely crushed.

Next she calls for Joey and Snake and Wheels, and you can tell she's a freewheeling liberal because she actually calls Snake and Wheels by their nicknames. Wheels hastily tells Spike to let him know if she has any more questions, then joins the others on stage.

"I hope you guys know your music this time!" shouts Ms Avery. This raises the ghastly spectre of a previous rehearsal that went even worse than this one: Joey is just pawing at random notes on his keyboard, Wheels is playing the same note over and over again on his bass, and Snake's guitar seems to have no purpose other than making the speaker give off horrible feedback. "It sounds awful," Melanie whispers, while Ms Avery desperately tries to keep from laughing. Spike watches the guys for a minute, wondering if all adopted children go on to join atrocious bands, then beats a hasty retreat.

A little later, the guys are coming out of the building, and the worst part is that they actually think they sounded good. "That was the best rehearsal ever!" shouts Joey. "We've never played that well!" answers Snake. They all shout disjointed phrases like "excellent!" and "amazing!" and "all right!" and they are completely, utterly deluded.

Wheels goes off in one direction, Joey and Snake in another, and once Wheels is alone, the man in the yellow gloves gets out of his car and walks slowly to the school fence. Wheels sees him and stops walking. "You're Derek Wheeler, right?" asks the man. "I'm Mike Nelson. I'm your dad." And with that, a thousand Mystery Science Theater crossover fanfics were born.

Wheels stares back at the man, who keeps talking: "No, wait. It's true. You were born at Eastern General. 6am on a Friday. Your middle name is Michael. Let me show you something." He throws Wheels a little string of beads, some of which spell out "Nelson". "That's your birth necklace. They put it on you when you were born." Well, the name "birth necklace" would sort of suggest that, but has anyone else even heard of these things, or were they just invented so the writers would have something to hang some symbolism on?

"This is fake," says Wheels. "No, it's real," the guy answers. So that settles that question. Anyway, the guy, who I might as well refer to as Mike, says he just wants to talk, and there's no pressure, but he leaves Wheels a piece of paper with his phone number. He drives off, and Wheels takes the piece of paper and heads towards home, trying valiantly to look conflicted but actually just looking like the sun's in his eyes.

Later, Wheels is at home, staring at the necklace and the piece of paper, and I'm 99% sure he has a frieze of the Bayeux Tapestry on his bedroom walls. I'd mock him, but I'm actually pretty jealous. Also, that ridiculously elaborate drumming is back again. Derek's adopto-mom comes up to check that he's doing his homework, and he runs to his desk and pretends to be working.

"You know I don't like to nag you, but your report card wasn't very good," she tells him, in case we'd forgotten his earlier conversation with Snake. Wheels promises that he's nearly finished his homework, then, once she's gone, goes back to staring at the necklace and piece of paper. I love how people on TV can't think about a topic unless they're looking intently at some relevant object.

Next morning, Joey and Snake are still arguing over their conflicting visions of fame. "If we wanna sell the album we've got to go on tour!" Joey insists. "It'll be great – there'll be groupies, we'll have T-shirts that say 'Joey and the Joybuzzers'…" "I don't think my parents will let me miss that much school," Snake answers. Joey just points out that rock stars don't have to go to school. Which is admittedly true, but very few rock stars are 14 years old.

Up in the library, Wheels is staring morosely out the window. Joey comes over and shows him the fake note he's giving to Mr Raditch, and Wheels reads it out for our benefit. "Dear Mr Raditch: we regret to inform you that we are unable to attend parent-teacher night due to having a highly communicable disease." As forged notes go, it's pretty awesome, but Wheels just hands it back and goes back to angsting out the window. The others stare at him for a bit, then Snake asks him what's up.

Wheels explains about what happened yesterday. "Are you sure the guy's for real?" asks Snake. "There's a lot of weirdos out there." Yeah, perverts are always hanging around outside schools, pretending to be people's birth parents. Wheels points out that the guy did know a lot about him, and Google hasn't yet been invented, so he must be telling the truth.

And Wheels has made a massive miscalculation in telling his troubles to a pair of teenage boys. "This is great! I wish I was adopted – my parents are so boring," says Joey. "We could do a song about this!" Snake exclaims. "That's right!" Joey answers. "This is research!" Then they both start drumming on the table and chanting, "My dad is back, he's got lots of money…" Wheels goes back to staring out the window and inwardly vows never to tell them anything ever again.

Oh hey, speaking of birth fathers, here's Shane. He walks in and drifts over to sit on a couch, carefully ignoring Spike and the twins. Spike runs through her pregnancy dilemma yet again, for the sake of the more forgetful viewers: neither of them wants her to have an abortion or to have the baby. Hm, I'm getting the impression that teen pregnancy is a complicated issue with no easy answers… thanks, Degrassi writers! Also, Shane is in deep denial about the whole thing. "I just wish he'd talk to me," she sighs, as Shane buries himself in a textbook. Well, he may have screwed up two lives, but at least his grades will be really good.

Later on, Joey is frogmarching Wheels to a phone box. Wheels tries to voice some doubts, but Joey's having none of it. Wheels is so whipped he doesn't even close the door on the phone box before dialling, and just lets Joey stand there, breathing down his neck. As he gets through to Mike, Joey nods solemn encouragement, and there's a wholly inappropriate little synth flourish on the soundtrack.

After the commercial break, we are shown the most depressing restaurant ever. The shop front is a deathly grey and half the letters have peeled off. It's called [somebody]'s Grill, but the owner's name is now completely illegible, either because the sign is a million years old or because the place is so bad that nobody wanted to be held accountable. This is where food comes to die. Inside, Mike makes some chitchat with the waitress, then brings two milkshakes over to the waiting Wheels. "Pretty neat, eh?" he says chirpily. "We both like chocolate milkshakes – must be heredity." Wheels rolls his eyes, then semi-relents enough to ask Mike what he wanted to talk about.

Mike takes out his wallet and produces a black-and-white studio photo of a girl holding a baby. It's presumably Baby Wheels and his birth mother, although this isn't actually made clear. "She's pretty, eh?" asks Mike. Wheels forces an awkward smile; possibly he doesn't feel all that comfortable evaluating the attractiveness of his own mother.

Mike explains that he and Wheels's mother lost touch, and were only 16 when they had him, but didn't want to give him up, and they wanted to do the right thing, but didn't know what that was. Wheels listens, but it's fairly clear the whole encounter is torture for him. "We were just kids," says Mike. "I'm still a kid! Who else would go from town to town playing in a band?" I'm not sure if he's really being self-deprecating, or just pretending not to think he's the coolest guy ever. Anyway, Wheels's whole face lights up at this revelation, and he eagerly asks what Mike plays (drums) and says he plays bass. You know, just the one note for now, but hopefully he'll learn more some day. "That's heredity!" says Mike. Wheels grins and drinks his symbolic milkshake. Happy music plays.

Later, Wheels and Mike leave the restaurant, Mike giggling hysterically so we know they're still having a good time. Wheels asks, "How'd you find me? I thought you weren't supposed to know where I was." "We weren't supposed to know where you were," Mike admits, "or who your foster parents were. But I found out, kind of by accident." And that's all the explanation we're getting on that front. "I sort of kept tabs on you," Mike continues. "Whenever I'm in town I check the phonebook, make sure you're still here." Oh, and Wheels finally realises Mike was the crank-caller from the start of the episode (making him basically the last person on earth to figure this out).

Wheels turns to go, but Mike calls him back again. "We rehearse afternoons," he tells him. "We're not bad for a bar band. Why don't you come on down and check it out? How about tomorrow?" "Great, thanks, so I'll see you tomorrow!" says Wheels. So… tomorrow, then. As they go their separate ways, we see that bad mullets are also hereditary.

That night, Wheels is on the phone to Joey, and he's clutching the birth necklace so we know he's still thinking about Mike. He enthuses wildly to Joey about how Mike is nice and is in "a real rock band!" and invites Joey along to watch them rehearse. Joey, of course, is tied with Kathleen for the position of "last person you should ever bring along to any kind of possibly sensitive encounter".

Just then, Wheels's parents get home, and once Wheels hangs up, his dad earnestly asks him, "Hey Derek! Ever heard of a group called the Gourmet Scum?" Ahahaha, best band name ever. Wheels says the Gourmet Scum are "amazing", and his dad proudly produces a pair of tickets to their concert tomorrow. Wheels looks stricken, and says he can't go tomorrow, because he has a rehearsal for the talent show. And it looks like Wheels's special talent is shattering his dad's hopes and dreams, because Old Man Wheels is utterly crushed.

Next morning, at school, Spike and Shane are having a vicious row. Spike tells him to face up to what's going on, and he says he can't do much more than he's already doing (i.e. nothing at all). Well, at least they're talking. Meanwhile, Joey and Snake are still arguing about band names.

Joey heads into the bathroom, still talking to himself about how "Snake and the Sneeze" is a stupid name, and finds Wheels moping in the corner. And who could blame him? He's wearing a white poloneck under a brown diamond-pattern sweater vest. I'd hide in the bathroom too if I was dressed like that.

Joey, in an unusual display of awareness of other people's feelings, asks Wheels what's wrong. Wheels explains that his dad asked him to go to a concert last night. "I thought you were going to your other dad's band rehearsal," says Joey. "Mike's not my dad, ok?" Wheels snaps. "I've already got a dad." Joey is completely baffled, but apologises anyway. In case the audience is as stupid as Joey, Wheels explains that he feels bad for lying to his parents. "Come on!" says Joey, back to his old insensitive self. "How many times do you get to see a real live band?" Uh.. but Wheels is passing up the opportunity to see an almost certainly better band, so that just doesn't make a lick of sense.

After school, Joey and Wheels arrive at a stabtastic-looking pub called the Duke of Connaught, which apparently existed until quite recently: one review site claims, "This dive bar was the classic place to hang out back in the 90's. Unfortunately it was closed most likely due to illegal activities and depressing people." And it's about to get pretty depressing now, let me tell you.

Inside, the place is empty except for the band (Mike and the Drifters, which: first of all, what kind of band is named after the drummer? also, that name seems sort of copyright-infringey). And oh Christ, are they awful. I mean, they can carry a tune, more or less, but it's horrible rambling instrumental cock-rock, and even though we only hear them play for about 20 seconds, it feels like it goes on for fucking ever. Give me Caitlin and Arthur's drag rap any day.

Anyway, once the horror has temporarily abated, Mike jumps up to say hi to Wheels, and proudly introduces him to the others. "Hey guys, check it out – this is Derek, my kid!" Wheels stares at him in outrage, while the band express their amazement: "Hey, you never told us you had a kid!" (ouch), "Man, he sure looks like you!" (untrue except for the mullet), "Does this mean we get to call you Dad?" (buh?).

Wheels flips out at this: "I belong to my mum and dad! I'm not his!" Joey frantically tries to shush him, and Mike tries to reason with him, but Wheels just keeps ranting: "Stay away from me. What did you come back for? You're messing everything up." Ugh, the kid misses one Gourmet Scum concert and apparently his life is ruined. Teenagers. "I'm not trying to mess anything up. I care abote you," Mike protests. "Yeah," says Wheels. "You care abote me so much you got rid of me? I was a mistake." He turns to go, then stops: "And I don't want your stupid necklace, either." In all fairness, jewellery is rarely a good gift to give a 14-year-old boy.

Wheels storms out, and Joey runs after him. "Forget it, Joey. I'm not going back. Ever," Wheels emos. "But they're a real baaaand!" wails Joey. Like I said: pretty much the worst person Wheels could have brought along.

Later, Wheels gets home, and… why the hell is there a framed photo of some jellybeans on the wall? Anyway, his parents are sitting in the pitch dark for some reason, waiting for him. "Everything's going to be all right," his mother announces out of nowhere. "What?" asks Wheels sensibly. "Mike telephoned," his dad explains, and yes, he actually says "telephoned". Because he is just that old-fashioned.

"He apologised for any trouble he caused, as well he might," says Wheels's mom, who is also old-fashioned. Anyway, Wheels's parents tell him that it's ok to be curious about his birth parents, and they totally support him. And this backfires spectacularly: "Don't you want me any more?" asks Wheels. "I don't want Mike. I want you! I wish things were like the way they were!" And then he storms off to his room, possibly the only teenager ever to have a tantrum because he loves his parents so much.

Next morning, Joey and Snake are still arguing about band names (yawn) when Raditch calls Joey over. "Real shame my parents can't come to Parents' Night," Joey remarks. Raditch tells him, "The note was so sad that I just called your parents to express my sympathy… they were very curious about the note and they promised to be here." So, Joey is rumbled, to the surprise of nobody except himself, and that whole scene was basically filler.

Oh hey, Spike and Shane are having another argument. "I don't like being told what to do!" yells Spike, who's wearing a handmade grandma cardigan, in a shade of pinky beige that thankfully doesn't exist any more, yet again betraying how the wardrobe people on this show had absolutely no idea how punks dress. "You didn't get pregnant by yourself, you know – I have some say here," says Shane. "One dumb mistake and you're in charge of my life?" Spike retorts. Wait, what? Yesterday they were fighting because he didn't take an interest, and now they're fighting because he does? Dammit, show! Make more sense!

"I thought you liked me," Shane sighs, irrelevantly. "Sure I like you," says Spike (I really don't know why, since he's been completely unlikable throughout), "but we're only fourteen, and we're not in love or anything." Shane responds calmly and maturely by flouncing off in a huff.

Wheels comes over to ask what's up. "Shane and I aren't going to see each other any more," Spike explains. Wheels stares at the floor awkwardly. He did ask. "I'm still thinking of putting the baby up for adoption," she continues. Wheels keeps staring at the floor. "But what happens if I love it too much to give it away?" she asks. Wheels unhelpfully tells her to "do what's right", but Spike complains that she doesn't know what that is. Oh hey, that sounds familiar! Do I sense an impending lesson?

Wheels goes over to his locker, and Spike follows him, clearly reckoning that a confidant who gives no advice at all is still better than Erika "you can't get pregnant your first time" Farrell. "If I do give it up for adoption, I'd like to meet it later on, just to explain why I had to give it up," she says. Wheels remains completely silent and is looking acutely uncomfortable with this whole conversation. "You don't think that's wrong, do you?" asks Spike, possibly just to check if he can still hear her. "No," says Wheels hastily, perhaps because he suddenly understands his bio-dad's motivations, or perhaps because he just wants Spike to leave him alone.

That evening, he's at home practicing the bass, and he's clearly had a breakthrough because he can now play two notes. Go Wheels! His mother passes his door, and he calls her back to make sure she knows about Parents' Night, and to ask if she and his dad will stay to watch his band afterwards. "We wouldn't miss it for the world!" she says. "My son, the star!" Even Wheels knows that she's slightly overstating things (two notes is still not a lot), but she just tells him, "You don't see it through our eyes." So, despite the fact that they previously teased him for his taste in music, it seems his parents still love him enough to sit through an awful talent show. Awww. Wheels ponders this for a moment, then goes back to playing his two notes. Not terribly well.

Aaaaugh, wait. I take it back. I will gladly listen to Wheels playing two notes for an hour rather than have to watch another scene of Mike's horrible band playing. Thankfully, Wheels turns up again, and eventually they notice him and shut up. Oh ew, the guitarist is wearing a leather waistcoat.

Under the watchful eyes of his bandmates, Mike goes over to Wheels and apologises for, you know, stalking Wheels and going behind his parents' backs and so on. "I was afraid they'd say no and I couldn't see you," he explains. Yeah… that makes the stalking more creepy, not less.

"Is it ok if we don't see each other for a bit?" asks Wheels. "But I'd like to call you some time. Later." "Yeah, sure," says Mike sadly. "See you, Derek." This whole thing is made much more awkward by the fact that Mike's bandmates are all standing about two metres away, not even pretending not to listen.

"Most of my friends call me Wheels," says Wheels. Mike smirks like he knows what a stupid nickname that is, but all he says is, "Ok, Wheels." "You still got my necklace?" Wheels asks. "Your necklace?" "Yeah, my necklace." If you say "necklace" too many times it doesn't sound like a word any more. Mike digs around in his pocket and throws the necklace to Wheels, who catches it and smiles. End credits.

Oh, and we never find out what happens on Parents' Night.

Dubious lessons of the week: Adoptive parents are boring; birth parents are cool. But both kinds of parent will give you crappy birthday presents. Also, never ever talk to a 14-year-old boy about your problems.

S01 E11 – It's Late!

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:02:00 +0000

Finally, as the episode title suggests, we have come to the infamous Teen Pregnancy Plotline. Anyone who was even marginally aware of Degrassi back in the day knew that some chick got knocked up in it. The story won the show something called an International Emmy and was a big part of why it became so famous. More importantly, it also features some of the most ham-handed foreshadowing and attempts at being educational in Degrassi history. Which means it's time for another Degrassi drinking game! Grab some Canadian booze and get ready to get as drunk as Stephanie Kaye at the big school dance.

We start at Lucy's place, where a party is winding down. You can tell it was a wild party, though, because there's popcorn strewn over every available surface. Nothing says "fun" like popcorn-flinging! And it seems everyone's getting lucky tonight. The first thing we see is Shane and Spike making out in the hallway. In the living room, people are slow-dancing; Heather is dancing with Tim, Snake is dancing with (and kissing) some extra in a lumberjack shirt, and Erika is dancing with Wai Lee. As Lucy's going up the stairs, she meets Joey coming down, and he's followed by… Wheels. Ok, some of the kids are getting luckier than others.

They congratulate her on what a great party it was. "My parents would never let me have a party if they weren't around," remarks Wheels. "Lucy's are never around," Joey whispers to him. What, even Joey knows about her abandonment? Obviously Voula told everyone, possibly in revenge for Lucy getting her arrested.

Joey and Wheels go down the hallway, where they find Shane kissing Spike. In an incredibly creepy move, they both start stroking Spike's shoulder, and when she tells them to go away, Joey asks, "What's the matter? Can't we all share?" AAAAAUGH MENTAL IMAGES.

Oddly enough, Spike is not all that keen for a foursome, and Shane leads her into a convenient nearby bedroom, shutting the door behind them. (Wait, if Lucy's bedroom is in the basement, and her parents' is on the ground floor, what the hell is upstairs?) Joey laughs and says to Wheels, "Let's go over [to the kitchen] and pick up some – " either "chicks" or "chips", I can't tell which he says, but I can tell which he's more likely to get. (The sound and lighting for this whole scene are awful; it's hard to hear, and impossible to see anyone's face properly.)

Spike sits down on the bed. Shane smirks (I think?) and sits down next to her, and they lie down. The whole thing looks incredibly awkward.

Back in the living room, Heather comes over to Erika and taps her on the shoulder, saying it's time to go. "Now?" asks Erika in dismay, then says a regretful goodbye to Wai Lee. I mean… Wai Lee? Is he that much of a catch? He's wearing a tan sweatshirt to a make-out party, for Chrissakes! (Although Snake seems to be wearing something pastel pink and sort of lacy, and has totally scored, so I don't really know what to think.)

The twins start looking for Spike, and Joey directs them to the bedroom, adding in an insinuating tone that Shane's in there too. The girls roll their eyes as if he'd suggested something totally ridiculous. What do they think is going on in there? "Spike!" yells Erika at the bedroom door. "Heather and me are leaving – are you going to come?" Isn't that kind of a personal question?

Erika realises that the door is locked, and wants to know what the "big idea" is. "Come on!" she yells. "What are you doing in there?" Wait, isn't she the streetwise twin? How has she not figured out what's going on?

And the scene just ends there, with the twins shouting at the locked door and everyone else staring at them. So… I have no idea how that whole thing ends. I mean, other than the fact that Spike and Shane totally do it. Duh.

Anyway, after the credits, it's morning, presumably somewhat more than two weeks later. Spike's being dropped off at school by her mother, who's lecturing her: "Christine, you know, when you're late [drink!] and I have to drive you to school, then that makes me late… What's the matter with you these days? [drink!] You do nothing around the house – you're thoroughly unpleasant to live with." Spike snaps back, "Well, maybe if you stopped treating me like a little baby – " Drink! "Stop acting like one!" shouts her mother. "Listen, it isn't easy raising you by myself [drink!] – a little co-operation from you would make things a lot better!" Spike gets out of the car and storms off to school. She's wearing yet another pair of fugly trousers, by the way: grey, very baggy, very tapered, and two inches too short. They are most certainly not punk.

In the classroom, Mr Raditch is talking to his class. "This morning I'd like to talk to you a little about a decision that you're going to have to make in the very near future." Drink! Just then, Spike comes in, and Raditch complains that "being late [drink!] is becoming a habit. It's disappointing when such a student sets such a bad example." Drink! I wasn't kidding about the foreshadowing.

Anyway, Raditch rambles on about how they're going to be choosing courses for high school soon. Spike looks over at Shane, but when he smiles at her, she turns away and stares at her desk. He looks frustrated.

After class, everyone's leaving, and Voula's wearing a sweater vest over her peasant blouse. It's a whole new level of ugly. Also, Alexa is wearing Caitlin's badly handmade pink sweater from last episode. Anyway, one of the twins asks Spike what she wants to be when she grows up, but Spike snaps that she doesn't want to talk about "careers and stuff". The twins are offended.

Just then, Shane pervs over to tell her, "Lucy's having another party like the one last month." Like the one where we had sex! We could have sex again! Please can we have sex again? Spike angrily tells him that she doesn't want to go, then flounces off.

Joey, the king of tact and timing, immediately corners Shane and demands to know what really happened at Lucy's party. "Wouldn't you like to know?" Shane smugs. Um… acting like that is probably not the best way to convince a girl to sleep with you again, Shaney boy.

"I bet they were just kissing," Wheels mutters to Joey. What's it to them, anyway?

Well, time for a light-relief subplot, and thankfully it's not an Arthur and Yick one this time. Melanie is reading her horoscope to Kathleen. Unfortunately, her diction is kind of bad, so I can't hear the exact wording, but the word "romance" is in there somewhere. "I could do with a good romance," says Melanie brightly. "Course, what I'd really like is a hickey."

Kathleen, predictably, says that hickeys are gross. "They're not gross!" says Melanie. "They're romantic. If you've got one, it means you've got a boyfriend. If you've got a boyfriend, you can go out on dates!" Ah, Melanie logic. I've missed Melanie. And speaking of dates, Snake the Man-God walks by. Melanie says hi, he says hi back, then walks off. As always.

"I give up," she sighs. "I'll never have a boyfriend." Kathleen points out that she's still only 12. "Twelve and three-quarters, actually," Melanie argues. "That's old." Bless. Just then, they pass Arthur and Yick… oh, I spoke too soon. Feck. Melanie says hi to Arthur, but ignores Yick, who stares after her wistfully.

"You like Melanie?" asks Arthur. Yick says yeah, but he's too scared to ask her out because she might say no. "She might says yes," Arthur tells him. "You never know till you try." Um, all of Arthur's experience with girls comes from once having nearly watched Swamp Sex Robots, which presumably had some girls in it, but we'll never even know that for sure. I wouldn't set great store by his advice.

Oh man, Joey and Wheels are peeing again. Why, Degrassi, why? Joey is rambling about how cool Lucy's parties are, because her parents are loose ~~and don't love her~~. "Would your mom and dad leave you alone for a party?" he asks. "My mom won't even let me turn the lights off," Wheels admits. Wait, like, as in shutting up the house last thing at night, or she actually won't let him operate the light switches? Canadian parents are strict, you guys.

"No way Shane and Spike would have gotten into the bedroom at my house," Joey remarks. "Do you think they really did it?" asks Wheels. Bearing in mind the party was several weeks ago, I think this is developing into an unhealthy fixation. Just then, Shane comes in, and Joey immediately asks him, "If you really did it… tell us what it was like."

Shane looks at them very seriously and asks, "Why, you guys never had sex?" "Yeah, of course I've had sex," Joey says quickly. "Yah, me too!" Wheels chips in. "Lots of times!" They are both very bad liars. As all the guys stand in front of the mirror and comb their ridiculously flowing '80s locks, Joey again asks Shane what happened, and Shane tells him it's none of his business.

Wheels, who has slightly more brains than Joey, asks a rather more pertinent question: "How come Spike won't talk to you any more?" Shane is surprisingly unbothered by this particular bit of nosiness, and says she's just in a bad mood. "Probably her period or something," laughs Joey. Drink! Joey and Wheels walk off, chuckling merrily at the thought of Spike's period. Guys are weird.

Meanwhile, Spike goes into the girls' bathroom. She stares at her face in the mirror, the way people on TV always do when they're worried about something, and people in real life never do, unless it's acne they're worried about. The twins follow her into the bathroom and demand to know what's up.

After some angsty staring at the far wall, Spike turns around and announces, "My period's way late – it's always been on time before. I think I'm pregnant." The twins look horrified, and there's a long pause, during which we can hear the crappy plumbing making weird noises.

"But you can't be pregnant unless you've had sex!" says Heather. Uh, yeah… about that. Spike hangs her head. "You did it?" asks Heather. "With Shane?" asks Erika. Why are they so surprised? They were listening at the door! Spike continues to look tortured; the plumbing continues to be distracting.

Out in the corridor, Yick tries to say hi to Melanie but she ignores him again. "It looks to me like you need some serious help. From me," says Arthur. "What do you know about girls?" asks Yick. It's a legitimate question. "When you've got a sister like mine, you learn fast," replies Arthur, which is a statement that becomes more unsavoury the more you think about it, so please let's not think about it.

Back in the girls' bathroom, Spike and the twins are still talking. "If it's the first time, you're ok!" says Erika. "You can't get pregnant the first time." "I don't know if that's true," Heather meebles. "Of course it is," Erika insists. "Everyone knows that." Everyone except for scientists and doctors, that is. But Erika's suddenly decided she's the fount of all reproductive knowledge, and insists that Spike's period is just randomly irregular all of a sudden and EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE. Spike stares into the sink and the twins awkwardly hug her.

Later, Spike walks into her mother's hair salon, and… look, you might as well just start drinking now and not stop until this scene is over. Spike's mom is styling some woman's hair, and the woman is telling her that someone they know is pregnant – "Again!" Spike's mom is delighted. Spike says hi, and her mother apologises for being cranky that morning. The client keeps talking. "Six kids and another one on the way. She seems very happy – she certainly must enjoy being a mother!" Spike, who's sweeping the floor, looks increasingly uncomfortable.

"Mom," asks Spike, "some friends and I were talking and someone said you couldn't get pregnant the first time you had sex…" "Wanna bet?" asks her mother. "They say one in five girls gets pregnant the first time." Wait, what? That's just a spectacular lie! What the hell, Degrassi writers?

Not content with repeating made-up statistics, Spike's mother proceeds to give Spike, and the viewers, a quick run-down on pregnancy myths. "It's amazing what some people believe, like you can't get pregnant if you stand up immediately afterwards – not true." "Or, you can't get pregnant if you keep your eyes closed," adds her client helpfully. Is everyone taking notes? As Spike goes behind a convenient partition to angst in private, her mother keeps talking. "All these myths! I wish someone had told me the facts. I was seventeen when I had this one. I was dreaming of going to university, but I had to leave school and go to work." "Well, Christine's a good girl," says the client. "You can be sure she's going to university…" OK OK OK, being a teen mother is hard! We get it!

Back at school, Arthur the Date Doctor is coaching Yick on how to ask Melanie out. "She can't say no after a compliment," he says, and this is clearly the day for sweeping, wholly unfounded statements. They stop halfway up the stairs for Yick to practise complimenting. He gazes into Arthur's eyes and breathes, "Your eyes are so blue, they remind me of swimming pools." However, Snake and Tim overhear this, and Snake looks deeply, deeply weirded out by it. And who could blame him? Not the gay thing, I mean; it's just that Arthur has brown eyes (and, in fact, so does Melanie).

Anyway, since that went so well, the guys go up to find Melanie, who is still rambling at Kathleen about horoscopes. Yick stares up at her (she's about a foot taller than him) and tells her, "Your eyes are so blue they seem like pimming swools." The girls burst out laughing and mock him mercilessly until he runs off, pausing only to call Arthur a broomhead.

After lunch, Spike's in the library with the twins. Heather's nagging her to get a pregnancy test, but Spike says it's too embarrassing. "I heard it's easy!" expositions Heather. "You can buy a test and do it at home, or go to the clinic and they'll do it. They won't tell your mom." I hope everyone's taking notes. Or at least another drink. Spike insists she's not going to the clinic, but the twins helpfully/nosily offer to go with her, and Heather points out that if she is pregnant, she'll have to see a doctor anyway.

"If I am pregnant, my mum'll kill me!" says Spike, then stares over at Shane, who's been sitting conveniently within her line of sight the whole time. He smiles tentatively at her, and is rewarded with death stares from all three girls. He hastily goes back to his book.

Once the bell goes, he grabs her by the arm on the way out, but she shakes him off. He follows her anyway. "Wait up! I thought we were going steady; why are you treating me like this?" Wait, going steady? Um, it's 1987, not 1957.

"You really want to know?" asks Spike. She drags him from the corner of the hallway where they're standing to… another corner, which isn't any less private. I suppose they needed to stretch out the scene a bit. "Remember Lucy's party?" she asks. Shane smiles sleazily. "Yeah," he tells her. His tone is wonderfully inappropriate for this moment. "I think I'm going to have a baby," Spike announces. Shane asks if she's joking, and when she says no, he just backs away. Literally, like, without a word, just backs away and is outta there. Shane is one classy, classy guy.

After the break, it's the next day. Voula's proudly showing off photos of a baby. Drink! When Spike and Shane comes in, Alexa calls them over: "Come and see the pictures of Voula's sister's new baby!" Um, either he's not that new, or I feel awfully sorry for Voula's sister, because he's the size of a two-year-old.

"I can't wait till I have a baby," Alexa announces. Take a big drink now. "Are you kidding?" asks Lucy. "Babies pee twelve times a day, so you're always changing diapers." Spike looks horrified at this newsflash. "Oh, but just imagine how great it'd be," Alexa sighs. "Someone to love you for the rest of your life." Spike looks up at Shane, who looks hastily away. Still classy. "Yeah, really great," says Lucy, "especially when they wake up in the middle of the night, so you don't get any sleep." Spike looks startled at this, too. Wait, babies wake in the night? She exchanges another awkward look with Shane, but just then Mr Raditch comes in, so everyone has to sit down.

Raditch announces that he has "a bit of a treat" for them: the Victorian Romantic poets. Par-tay! He starts to read out a love poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Spike tries to make soulful eye contact with Shane, but he pointedly stares out the window until she gets the message. Ouch. Joey notices something's going on between them, and the twins exchange looks that say, "This really isn't going well."

Later, Shane comes into the boys' bathroom, and engages in some half-hearted cubicle-door-punching, but he doesn't get too into it, because he's quite middle-class. Joey and Wheels, who apparently have nothing better to do, follow him in. Joey, at this point, is a man possessed, and instantly demands to know, "At Lucy's party – did you or didn't you?" Why the hell is he so invested in this?

Shane starts to go, then turns to the others. "What would you guys do if you got someone pregnant?" "Spike's gonna have a baby?" asks Joey. "No!" says Shane. "It's just a question, that's all. I mean, it wouldn't be the guy's problem, right?" Shane McKay, ladies and gentleman: always classy. "It'd sort of be his baby too," Joey points out. Shane looks like he was really hoping that wasn't the answer, and shuffles away. Look, Shane, if Joey Jeremiah is less of an irresponsible douchebag than you, you should just give up now.

"You think Spike's pregnant?" asks Wheels. "Nah, they never really did it," says Joey. "He's bluffing so we'd think they did. Right?" "Right," Wheels agrees. Um, right.

Later, as the Grade Sevens are leaving their classroom (hey, they were being taught by the elusive Ms Baxter!), Melanie reads Kathleen her horoscope. Apparently she's due to get a surprise gift. Arthur and Yick overhear this, and Arthur promptly runs off to steal a vase of flowers from Ms Baxter's desk. He tells Yick, "She's got to talk to you if you give her flowers. Girls like to get flowers. They think it's romantic or something." I think Arthur hasn't quite understood the bit where girls don't like to be given stolen property, or patronised by porn-watching geek kids. Yick complains that he feels like a broomhead, and Arthur sensibly doesn't deny this, just tells him to hurry up and give Melanie the flowers already.

Unfortunately, because Yick is a broomhead, he shoves the flowers right in Melanie's face. As only happens on TV, she instantly starts sneezing (and throwing all her papers up in the air, wtf?). "She's got allergies! Flowers make her sneeze!" Kathleen unnecessarily expositions. Yick runs off, blaming Arthur as he goes.

After school, the twins are lying in wait for Spike. "We're coming to the clinic with you," announces Erika. "I don't want to go to the clinic!" Spike hisses. The twins decide that they'll buy her a test instead, because "you'll go crazy if you don't find out". That, or they'll go crazy from unsatisfied curiosity.

Yick is feeling dejected at his terminal lack of game. "I'll have lots more ideas tomorrow," Arthur reassures him. Yick snaps, "I don't think I want to try any more of your ideas. They don't work so good." So he decides to just man up and ask her out… which was actually Arthur's original idea.

He runs after Melanie and asks her to go skating with him. How delightfully Canadian! "You mean a date?" she asks eagerly. She turns to grin at Kathleen, who makes herself scarce, in possibly the only recorded incident of Kathleen behaving tactfully. (Arthur's standing about six inches behind Yick, because tact is not his strong point.) "How about Saturday morning?" says Yick. Yeah, nothing is more romantic than getting up early on a Saturday morning.

Melanie asks Yick what star sign he is, and he says Aquarius. "I'm Cancer," she replies. "I don't think we're supposed to get along. But you are a boy, and it is a date. Okay!" That acceptance was so lukewarm, it was worse than a refusal.

At the chemist's, the girls are stealthily wandering around the aisles. At least they've had the good sense to stay away from Mama Kaye's shop. Erika pulls down a test and loudly reads the instructions. "Collect sample after first urine in the morning. Test takes two hours before results can be read." OMG, two hours? Heather looks at another one. "This one only takes an hour. Do you think one's better?" "Probably both are good, as long as you use them properly," says Erika for the benefit of the audience (so drink up!). I hope you're all taking notes, girls: '80s pregnancy tests are really, really, really crap.

Test safely purchased, the girls leave the shop, and the twins wish Spike good luck and promise to call tomorrow. Off she goes, and we hear some super-gritty, angsty synth music playing over a montage of her walking home. This is soon to become the Spike 'n Shane theme tune, and it plays every damn time they have a dramatic moment together. Which will be often.

Once she gets home, she says hello to her mother, and rather idiotically she's carrying the test in her hand, rather than hiding it in her bag. Her mother offers her dinner, but she says she's not hungry, and is going straight to bed, and there's nothing suspicious about that, no siree Bob. Her mother insists she needs to eat, and then sees the bag from the chemist's, and asks what's in it. Spike insists there's nothing in it, and then tries to hide it behind her back, and then just bolts and runs up to her room and lies on her bed in a rage. She is pretty terrible at acting casual.

Her mother follows her up to her room, and demands to know what's going on. Spike throws a full-scale teenage hissy fit. "I want to go live somewhere else! You don't care about me! You don't care how I think or feel! You know nothing what it's like to be fourteen!" Her mother starts to flounce out of the room, but then Spike calls her back and throws the pregnancy test at her. Um, way to keep a secret, Spike.

Her mother takes out the test, which is some kind of freakish contraption that looks like a cross between an hourglass and a Glade plug-in. "Oh no," she whispers, "you didn't." Spike lies face down on the bed and cries. The tense drama of the moment is slightly undermined by the rustling of the actresses' clothes/the carpet/Spike's blankets, which is for some reason much too loud, and why is the sound so terrible on this show?

Just then the phone rings, and Spike's mother actually goes to answer it. It's Shane calling for Spike, and she says Spike will call back, and look, I know she's stressed and all, but she has the weirdest, most robotic telephone manner ever.

And then they bond, and so on, and the Spike 'n Shane Theme Tune plays in the background, and the point is, the mother clearly isn't as angry as Spike had feared she would be. So the moral is, if you get pregnant, your mother will be totally OK with it. Yay!

Next morning, Spike and her mother are in the car outside a clinic. Spike sensibly points out that she could have just done the test at home, but her mother says that she likes the doctor, and if Spike's pregnant she'll need to see the doctor anyway, and anyway they really need to pad the episode out by adding in this extra scene. So that's that. "I'm sorry," says Spike. "It just happened. I wanted him to like me." "The number of us who've said that!" laughs her mother. "I didn't like it much," Spike admits. So… I suppose that answers Erika's question at the start of the episode?

Just then, Shane arrives, looking shifty. "I don't know why you told him," Spike's mom mutters. "If I am pregnant, it's his baby too, right?" asks Spike. Her mother looks at her watch and says the doctor should have the results by now. What, was the doctor injecting a rabbit or something? She offers to go in, but Spike says she and Shane will go together. Her mother acts supportive, then cries when Spike is gone. More gritty music. Because this is a gritty show!

Spike joins Shane out in the car park. "I'm glad you came," she tells him. But wait, isn't that what got them into this situation in the first place? Ok, ok, I'll stop now. They go into the clinic, leaving Spike's mother to freak out in peace.

Then we cut to a montage of Yick and Melanie ice-skating. They laugh a great deal. They skate. They have lots of wholesome fun. Ice-skating: better than inept, pregnancy-causing sex.

Some time later, Spike and Shane come out of the clinic. They walk towards the car, very slowly. Spike's mother gets out and walks towards them, very slowly. Everyone stares at each other for a bit. "Mum," says Spike, "I'm pregnant." Absolutely nobody is surprised, because otherwise this episode would have been a massive waste of time. Spike and her mother hug, sad music plays, and Shane watches them from a safe distance.

Next day, Spike's sitting alone in a stairwell at school. Some girl asks if she's ok, and Spike insists she is. Then continues to sit in the semi-darkness, staring at her hands. The girl, who is gullible, leaves her alone.

Then Shane turns up, and sits next to her. Because the episode needs some kind of wrap-up, they proceed to have a staged debate on the whole issue; they bicker about whose fault this is, then wonder what to do next. "You don't want me to marry you, do you?" asks Shane, still keepin' it classy. Spike just gives him a withering look. Obviously she's already figured out that being married to Shane would be the only thing worse than being pregnant by him.

Next she suggests having the baby and giving it up for adoption, then adds, "But I don't want to get big and stuff!" Actually, this show consistently presents weight gain as one of the major reasons why teen pregnancy sucks. I don't know why they didn't also have a special episode on how hard it is to find fashionable maternity clothes.

Then she suggests having an abortion. Shane is all anti, and there's a lot of obligatory "It's got rights!" "But what about my rights?" etc. They both agree on one thing: this whole situation is kind of a downer.

"Why is this happening?" asks Spike. "It was just a little mistake." "Sort of a big mistake," mumbles Shane. The closing credits start up and we freeze on Spike's face, as she realises just how much of a douchebag she's dealing with.

Dubious lessons of the week: Underage sex on TV always leads to pregnancy. Your mother will be fine about the whole thing, but the guy will be a total asshole. And pregnancy will make you fat. Go ice-skating instead.

S01 E10 – Smokescreen

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:40:00 +0000

We start in the hallways at Degrassi, where Caitlin, Susie and an already enraged-looking Kathleen are trying to get people to sign a petition. They have a lot of handlettered posters around, because this is the '80s. "Clean up the environment!" the girls bleat futilely. Everyone ignores them. "I told you this was a stupid idea," growls Kathleen. That's basically her default response to everything.

In the background, we can see Yick and Arthur playing with a basketball down the hall. But then the camera cuts to them walking in the front door. The plague of teleporting schoolboys continues.

Just then, Rick comes in, and Kathleen perks up slightly as she spots a new target for her withering scorn. "Look what the cat dragged in," she smarms. In case you've just joined us: Rick is working-class, and Kathleen hates anyone working-class (also lesbians and, more generally, anyone who isn't Kathleen).

Rick walks straight up to the girls and asks to sign the petition. Caitlin and Susie are pretty astounded that a working-class hero like Rick apparently has a mild interest in the environment and isn't spending all his time unionising dock-workers. Rick and Caitlin exchange adorable awkward smiles before Rick shuffles off.

Susie immediately starts teasing Caitlin, although she admits that Rick is cute. Kathleen butts in to say, "He's also as dumb as a post! And the school criminal!" Hey, those rumours were never substantiated! And why doesn't he get any credit for his heroic distribution of liquorice to the masses? And why has everyone forgotten that the last time Susie teased Caitlin about Rick, it degenerated into a homophobic witch-hunt within minutes?

As Caitlin stares down the hallway at Rick's departing form, she gets an already-all-too-familiar gleam in her eye. "Maybe all he needs is a little help," she muses, as the opening credits start up. Caitlin's found another project; Lord help us all.

I mean, really! The last time she tried to manipulate Rick to suit her own ends, she failed horribly, and was in fact outdone by Joey, who won Rick's heart with some slashy banter and a shared love of scruffy denim jackets. Does she not know when to quit?

After the credits, we're in Ms Avery's class. The kids are taking turns giving speeches on their family history. Susie has pretty much pwned everyone else by giving a talk on black empowerment, then producing a NASA "emblem" that her astronaut uncle gave her. When she finishes, everyone applauds, although Kathleen, predictably, looks disapproving. It's Yick's turn to speak next week, and he looks extremely ill at the prospect.

The class ends, but when everyone's leaving, Ms Avery calls Rick back to ask why he didn't do some geography assignment. He just shrugs angstily in response. Ms Avery, raging lesbian that she is, puts her hand on his shoulder and reminds him that "repeating Grade Seven doesn't mean you have to repeat the same mistakes". Rick just rolls his eyes, and she says that if he doesn't straighten up and fly right, he'll have to repeat the year again. Caitlin watches this exchange from her desk, her eyes brimming with middle-class pity. Once Rick goes out into the corridor, he punches some lockers, because he's a guy, and that's how guys express their feelings when they're all messed up inside.

Arthur's at his locker, and calls Yick over to ask if they can go play basketball. Yick says he has to do research for the family history project, and Arthur (proving yet again that being a nerd does not mean you're smart) is sceptical that family history would involve research.

Yick complains that nobody is going to want to hear about his family: "Who wants to hear about being poor and living in a big house with a million relatives?" Arthur suggests talking about what happened before the Yus arrived in Canada, the land of opportunity, but Yick's determinedly pessimistic. "Who cares about refugees? I need something interesting, like Susie's badge. Otherwise I'll be boring." So our secondary issue of the week is: former refugees who think refugeeism is boring. Uh… if you say so?

On the PA, Mr Lawrence announces that the lunch special today is "Tuna Surprise", and the school dietician says it's excellent. Is "school dietician" Canadian for "canteen lady"?

Rick's in the bathroom, having a smoke. It's a spectacularly angsty, tortured smoke; I think he's been watching too many James Dean movies. He is also standing right in the open, not hiding in a cubicle, which is just asking for trouble. Shane comes in and immediately tells him, "Cigarettes'll kill you, man!" Rick gives a characteristically tortured-teenish response: "Yah, yah. What are you, my social worker?" This line has less of a rhetorical punch to it when you actually have a social worker, though. Also, Shane is quite easy to tell apart from Rick's social worker, as Shane doesn't have a sea anemone for a head.

Unfortunately, Rick's tangled with the wrong guy: Shane has a massive bee in his bonnet about smoking, as previously foreshadowed by his collection of anti-smoking T-shirts. Now, while using the urinal, he rattles off a list of reasons why smoking is totally bad for you, man. Why oh why must so many conversations on this show take place while a teenage boy is peeing? And why is Shane so up on the dangers and grossness of smoking when, as we are soon to learn, he is so very careless about other health issues?

Rick says that the only advice he wants is how to get Caitlin to like him. Shane calls Caitlin "a browner", which I presume is Canadian for "brown-noser". "Yeah, so?" asks Rick, who apparently can't be bothered to dispute that. Shane suggests sitting beside her in class. "She sits in the front!" says Rick. "No way I'm gonna sit in the front." Come on, Rick. Faint heart never won meddly lady.

Shane then says Rick could join the Environmental Action Committee that Caitlin's on, so they'd have something to talk about. Rick decides this is a pretty good idea, even though joining the Environmental Action Committee sounds even nerdier than sitting in the front (I say this as someone who frequently sat in the front and tried to start an environmental club at the age of eight). "Just don't light up in the club room," says Shane, but Rick's outta there before Shane can start lecturing him again.

Cut to the Environmental Action Committee meeting, which is taking place in what looks like a large store cupboard. Kathleen, who is the president, is calling the meeting to order, and even the way she does that smacks of bossy-cowism. Also she is wearing a handmade badge that reads "EAC PREZ", lest anyone momentarily forget who's boss, and sitting in front of a big poster of Tina Turner for some reason, which I think makes Tina Turner the only actual famous person to be in any way connected with this show. Just then, Rick opens the door and walks in. Everyone, even Caitlin, looks anxious, as if he might have been sent in by Big Industry to break some heads.

"What are you doing here?" asks Kathleen, with a look of utter, utter loathing. A standard Kathleen-face, in other words. "I want to join," says Rick (Caitlin looks perturbed again). "What do you know about the environment?" asks Kathleen. Sycophantic giggles from nameless club members.

"I live in it," says Rick, which is a perfectly valid answer, but everyone laughs at him. Even Caitlin. Although she then hastily looks concerned again, and points out that he did sign their petition. "And besides, we need all the help we can get, right?" she adds, which is a rather feeble recommendation. We're so desperate, we'll take anyone! Susie backs her up, and then so do the other club members. Kathleen reluctantly says that he can join, and he sits down next to Caitlin. Cue awkward glances.

The club secretary, some girl called Trish who we haven't seen before, then stands up and announces the first item on their agenda: a new name. Several people exclaim, "Yeah, that's what we need!" Kathleen insists that their current name is fine, Susie says they need something shorter and catchier, and Trish suggests the totally lame "Pollution Busters".

"People, please!" cries Kathleen. "This is a serious committee! I still like the old name, and not just because I thought of it, either." She'll make a fine dictator one day. Rick looks like he disapproves of the whole discussion; clearly he'd been hoping the club would discuss something more exciting, like eco-terrorism.

At lunchtime, Susie, Caitlin, Kathleen, Rick, and Trish are conveniently leaving the building together. Susie muses that the meeting went really well, but they should have talked about the petition more. "Has anybody signed it?" asks Trish. Nobody has the heart to tell her that Rick's is the only name on it so far. While Rick is over at the bike racks, Kathleen asks Caitlin, "What's the big idea letting Rick join the committee?" In case we'd forgotten everything anyone has said about Rick all season, Trish reminds everybody, "He's got an awfully bad reputation…"

Kathleen smugly announces that "I heard even his father disowned him!" Let's all just take a minute to bask in the breathtaking bitchiness of that statement, considering what actually happened between Rick and his father. I get a bit light-headed thinking about it.

"Where do you get these amazing stories?" asks Susie, sounding extra-sceptical in an attempt to cover up the fact that she completely fell for Kathleen's wild tales of lesbianism just four episodes ago. "He flunked," says Kathleen, "we know that's true. And remember all those bruises he used to have? I heard he got them from fights." I'm pretty sure at this point the character of Kathleen is actually just a metaphor for small-minded suburban repressiveness. It's a very effective one.

As if this discussion wasn't annoying enough already, Caitlin pipes up, "It's not his fault he's poor and disadvantaged!" Aw jeez, I mean, it's true, but did she have to say it like that? "What?" asks Kathleen, who obviously feels the poor have only themselves to blame.

Caitlin elaborates, becoming more and more patronising as she goes on: "I mean, so he gets bad marks in school, and people say he's dumb and stuff. But maybe that's because people don't give him a chance. We should give him a chance!"

"Sounds like a really stupid idea to me," says Kathleen. Yeah, giving people a chance is for losers! I have a feeling Kathleen will move to New York when she grows up, dye her hair black, and change her name to Margo Magee.

"Well I'm going to give him a chance," says Caitlin with painful sincerity. Kathleen just turns around in disgust and walks off. I almost admire her wholehearted commitment to being as horrible as possible at all times.

Meanwhile, Yick's walking around downtown. How long is the lunch break at this school, anyway? We see him pass a shop selling random Asiany ornaments, then run back to look in the window and stare at a cheapass vase. "That it!" he exclaims to nobody in particular. He runs into the shop, and because this show's budget won't cover a scene of him buying the vase, we just see a man's hand reach into the window display and take it away.

After lunch, we see Yick proudly showing the vase to Arthur. "It's been in my family for thousands of years," he claims. "It's very valuable. I forgot we had it." Um, yeah, valuable heirlooms are the most forgettable kind! "Your parents let you bring it to school?" asks Arthur, sounding impressed rather than suspicious. Again: nerd ≠ smart. "Um… they don't really know about it," says Yick, which is the one thing in his story that's true.

Arthur asks what dynasty the vase is. "Ming," says Yick, "or Manchu. I don't know. Both maybe!" Arthur says his father knows an antique dealer and they should get the vase appraised. "Maybe later," says Yick. "Anyway, the class will be impressed, right?" Only if they're as gullible as Arthur.

Mr Lawrence is on the PA again: "Would anyone who had the Tuna Surprise at lunch please see Nurse Silver before going home?" I hope they fired the school dietician.

Rick is heading downstairs when Caitlin calls him back. She tells him she's making an announcement tomorrow aboot the petition, and asks if he wants to help. "It's a great opportunity to get involved," she tells him, which is a fairly smooth come-on, but then she unfortunately keeps talking: "Don't worry, I'll do the writing and stuff." Burn.

Rick's down with being patronised, though, so they agree to go to her house and do some nonspecific announcement-related stuff.

After school, Yick and Arthur are cleaning up Ms Avery's classroom and making plans to play basketball afterwards. Yick sticks his bag (which contains the vase) precariously on the edge of Ms Avery's desk and goes off to leave some books back at the library. I can see where this is going! Because I'm smarter than Yick. Which admittedly isn't saying much.

Ms Avery has a "Quote of the Day" sign above the blackboard, which today reads "Honesty is the best policy." This is not one of the show's classier attempts at foreshadowing. Anyway, it's Arthur's job to change the sign, but because he failed in his efforts to become taller by stalking Snake, he's not tall enough to reach it. He is, however, stupid enough to jump up and down in front of the sign three times before realising that won't help.

Looking around for something to stand on, he wisely rejects Ms Avery's incredibly rickety swivel chair, and then, his quota of wise behaviour for the day already exceeded, yanks on her desk. Yick's bag, of course, falls off, and lands on the ground with a noise that sounds more like keys being rattled than a vase being smashed, but whatever. Just to make it extra clear what's happened, he opens the bag and pulls out a piece of smashed vase. I think the vase is smashed, you guys.

Meanwhile, as some badass synth electric guitar music plays in the background (as is usually the case during Rick scenes), Rick and Caitlin are standing outside a factory which is giving off lots of smoke. "The paper says there's all sorts of toxins coming from that factory," she expositions, then adds, "Oh… toxins are poisons." She sure knows how to show a guy a patronising time.

Rick tells a tale of working-class woe about how when he lived with his bad dad, they were near a factory, and they couldn't open their windows because the air smelled so bad. "That's awful," says Caitlin. "You should have gotten an air purifier." Ah, there's nothing like unhelpful advice that comes several months too late. Rick just points out that his dad, being working-class and all, couldn't afford one. Caitlin is horribly embarrassed.

Back at school, Yick's in the corridors, bouncing his basketball and pretending to be a sports commentator. I'm pretty sure this is just filler. When he comes back into the classroom, he sees that Arthur has scrawled on the board, "Yick – took vase to antique dealer." "Oh no," says Yick. The hijinks, they are ensuing.

Meanwhile, at Caitlin's house, the class-based awkwardness is ongoing. Rick pokes at the stereo before looking around and announcing, "Your parents must be rich." Caitlin says they're not, since they're teachers. Rick has some sort of emotional response to the fact that her parents are teachers, but due to the bad acting here I'm not sure if he's impressed or disgusted. Caitlin then admits that her mother is a vice-principal, and cheerfully continues to dig by asking Rick what his parents do. He explains that he doesn't get on with his dad (which is one way of putting it), so he lives with his brother, the godlike Frank, who's a bartender. "What about your mom?" asks Caitlin.

"She left," says Rick, only due to his accent it sounds much more like "she laughed", which makes no sense, either in the context of this conversation or in view of the fact that she was married to Rick's Bad Dad, which I'm guessing wasn't really a laugh a minute.

Clearly deciding that this whole "conversation" thing isn't going too well, Caitlin decides to start work on the announcement. "People everywhere need to be concerned with the problem of pollution," she drones. Rick, sounding terribly disappointed in her, says she sounds like a teacher. She looks pissed off and says nothing.

I'm temporarily distracted by the incredibly ugly '60s-style "sculpture" on the kitchen table; basically someone took a metal bar, twisted it out of shape, then convinced Caitlin's parents to pay money for it. And now they're advertising their idiocy by leaving this thing out where people can see it.

Anyway, Rick's rambling on about how all announcements sound the same, and they need something different to get people's attention. He turns to look at the cassette player, which is blaring out some weirdly bleak '80s electro-pop, then smiles. "I got an idea."

Next morning, Rick and Caitlin march into Doris Bell's office; Rick's carrying a ghetto blaster. Caitlin announces, in her usual morose tones, that they want to make an announcement on behalf of the Environmental Action Committee. Doris cheerfully hands over the microphone, and sits down to stare at what I think is a blank piece of paper, but quickly turns around in amazement when Rick starts playing some awful rap backing music.

And then Caitlin raps. About the environment.

There's a montage of all the other kids listening appreciatively to this atrocity (and even boogieing in some cases). The whole scene is one of the most cringeworthy things in the history of television; I can hardly bear to watch it. I certainly can't bear to watch it more than once, which is why I'm not reproducing the lyrics here.

Um, so somehow the rap has motivated everyone to sign the petition, and there's a second, needlessly protracted, montage of everyone signing, then signing some more. Kathleen, by the way, is predictably disgusted by the whole affair, and for once I'm with her.

The following day, Yick is at his locker when he spots Arthur. Arthur tries to run off, but Yick follows him, asking for his vase back. He then runs into the boys' bathroom, and finds Arthur's feet sticking out from under a cubicle door. Arthur is pretty bad at hiding, like he is at most things.

Yick asks again for his vase back, but Arthur says it's still being appraised and the antique dealer is nearly finished with it. "He says it's really interesting. He says he's never seen one quite like it." Yick looks perturbed, but eventually gets Arthur to promise he'll have it back by Friday.

The sound throughout this scene was dubbed in really badly, by the way, so that half the dialogue sounded all echoey and detached, like a voiceover flashback. It's really distracting.

Back in the club store-cupboard, Kathleen calls another meeting to order. Where did she get a gavel? Trish stands up and announces the first item on the agenda: a new name. Rick rolls his eyes, and Caitlin complains that they always talk about that, and what about the petition? "What about the petition?" Kathleen sneers.

Susie points out that they've got almost 200 signatures and they should take the petition to the factory, but Kathleen shoots her down: "Nobody's going to pay attention to a petition from a bunch of kids!" Rick gets all riled up, and asks, "How would you know, brainbox?" Caitlin, who's clearly decided she's his handler, tries to calm him down by saying he and Susie and herself will take it to the factory the next day. Rick refuses to be shushed: "It's called action! Doing something, ya know?" Oooh, working-class guys tell it like it is! Kathleen gives her default response: "Well, I say it's a stupid idea!" There's much glaring. Caitlin looks troubled, as is her wont.

That night, Arthur's at home listening to the radio. It's very dark. It's definitely night. He glumly empties the smashed vase onto his desk and picks up a bottle of glue. This will go well.

Cut to… earlier that afternoon. What the hell? Caitlin's sitting at her kitchen table with Susie. The sun is shining in the window. It's definitely daytime. "What do you think of Rick?" she asks. Susie reckons he's nice. "I think it's too bad people don't give him a break, though," says Caitlin. "Cause he's acting OK, don't you think? He was rude to Kathleen, but who could blame him?" It's a little too obvious that she's keeping score.

Susie snaps at this, and tells Caitlin to stop treating Rick like he's her experiment. Caitlin tries to deny it, but Susie insists she is. "Why don't you just admit you like him? There's nothing wrong with that, you know." Caitlin's fridge seems to have a bunch of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons stuck on the front. Wow, first Tina Turner and now this? It's like somebody who worked on this episode was actually vaguely aware of contemporary pop culture! Outrageous!

(Moreover, someone in the Ryan household has a sense of humour? Doubly outrageous!)

Caitlin insists that Rick isn't her type (if she's not careful, she'll start another round of lesbian rumours). "I'm just helping him, that's all," she lies like a lying thing. Susie doesn't believe her. Then they throw a paper towel at each other in an attempt to look light-hearted and playful.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the night (clearly they're making a brave stab at experimenting with non-linear narrative), Arthur's still trying to glue the vase together. It looks like crap. I mean, more so than before it got smashed. He gives up.

The following afternoon (I'm just guessing; really, who the hell knows at this point?), Caitlin and Susie and Rick are on their way to the factory. He is so cool and/or reckless and/or keen to get to the factory that he is mildly careless while attempting to cross the road; Caitlin puts her hand on his shoulder and shepherds him across. "Gritty" music plays (synth electric guitar AGAIN) while the kids gaze up at the factory. It is very big, as is usually the way with factories.

"Maybe we should just mail the petition," Caitlin meebles. Rick looks at her in disgust and stomps towards the factory. "Come on!" he yells when the girls are hesitant. Clearly he is keen to stick it to the man. Because he is working-class.

Also, I can't get over the boxiness of all the cars in the factory car park. Why did anyone ever think that was a good look?

Later, Rick and the girls are sitting in the factory's reception area. They're all wildly overacting in order to communicate that they've been there for a long time: lots of eye-rolling and watch-checking and ceiling-staring. Dial it down a bit, kids!

Some generically soulless office guy, who looks like David Miliband in giant novelty glasses, comes in and apologises for keeping them waiting. Thus rendering the elaborate "waiting" scene completely redundant.

Caitlin, who's wearing a truly horrible pink jumper that I think was handmade by a first-time knitter, tells the guy, "We're from Degrassi Junior High and we'd like your factories to stop polluting." Um… yeah, that sounds like a specific, achievable goal. Rick looks thoroughly unimpressed. The office guy smarms that they test their emissions regularly, and they're all within "the applicable Ministry guidelines".

Susie pipes up, "But the newspaper said that your tests were fake and that – " but the guy just talks over her: "Newspapers love good stories, but nothing has ever really been proven!" He doesn't quite finish with "Mwahahaha!", but it's heavily implied.

It's time for Rick to unleash his working-class rage on this guy. "Proof? This place stinks!" The guy insists that they've had no complaints. Rick stands up and shouts, "This is a complaint!" Tragically, he doesn't follow this up with a punch to the face, because that would have been really cool.

Caitlin looks mortified and tries yet again to shush Rick, but the men are talking now. "Are you the boss here?" Rick asks. The office guy stands up (towering over Rick, who might want to wait for puberty to really kick in before he starts his career as an agitator) and smirks, "The president's in a very important meeting right now, but if you'll kindly leave me your petition, I'll be sure that she gets it." Wait, the head of this evil corporation is a woman? Wow, we've really achieved equality with men now!

Rick says they'll wait, and sits down with his legs wide apart in an effort to appear manly and threatening. But again, he's about five foot tall, and fourteen years old, so the guy is not particularly threatened. "Thanks for dropping by!" he chirps. "It's really a pleasure to see young people like yourselves taking such an interest in the community." And off he goes, presumably to torture small woodland animals. Caitlin and Susie look politely befuddled, while Rick looks one minor annoyance away from turning into the Incredible Hulk.

As the gritty music blares again, the kids walk away from the factory. "You didn't have to be so rude," Caitlin admonishes Rick. "He was the one who was rude!" Rick retorts.

"He is going to show it to the president," says Caitlin, and hopefully by "it" she means the petition. Rick cannot believe how gullible she is. "Why not?" asks Caitlin. "He seemed honest." "And very friendly," adds Susie. "Gimme a break!" exclaims Rick. "He doesn't care what we think! What a jerk!" And then he storms off.

"At least we tried!" Caitlin calls out. "Big deal!" Rick yells. And then he kicks a can that was lying on the ground, because he is just that angry. Go Rick! Working-class guys tell it like it is! The gritty music plays once more, as Caitlin watches Rick and reflects on the apparent failure of her latest project.

Seriously, though, those girls are really stupid.

A little later, Kathleen and Melanie are coming out of the De Grassi Grocery just as Rick walks by, lighting a cigarette. "Stupid factory," he mutters to himself. Kathleen watches him smoking for a minute, then looks smugly delighted.

It's the next day, and Kathleen is calling yet another meeting to order. Wow, these kids really like holding meetings. Trish starts up with the agenda, and the committee name is the first item on the list, as always. Yawn. Kathleen butts in and says that they have something more important to talk about: whether Rick should be on the committee any more. "What?" says Caitlin, full of righteous indignation. She can turn it on and off like a switch.

"I saw him smoking a cigarette," explains Kathleen. "Really?" says everyone. Considering how bad Rick is at hiding his habit, I don't know why everyone is so surprised. "Isn't it kind of hypocritical to be a smoker and on the Environmental Action Committee?" asks Kathleen. Look, I hate smoking, but her argument doesn't make any damn sense.

Caitlin is looking at Rick like she just heard he's been engaging in trade with apartheid South Africa. "Rick?" she asks in horror. "So I had a smoke! So what?" Rick protests. "I wasn't hurting anyone." "That's what he thinks," says a random voice. Caitlin sinks back into her seat, looking utterly crushed.

"It's the principle!" says Kathleen. "We can't have a polluter on an anti-pollution committee! Rick has to go." At this, Rick jumps up, all full of rage again. "What a bunk of jerks!" he yells, although last time I checked, Kathleen was just one jerk. "Call yourself action committee? What action? All you ever do is talk! Who needs this garbage?" As opposed to some other, more needed, garbage. Trish dutifully writes down what he's saying; never let it be said that she is not a devoted club secretary. Rick storms out, thumping all the lockers out in the corridor, because he's just! That! Angry!

Back in the club room, Kathleen tells Caitlin to face the fact that she made a mistake and can't be perfect all the time. Then they go back to debating the club's name. Caitlin, yet again, looks tormented, and there's more gritty music.

Afterwards, everyone's heading out for lunch, and they pass Rick in the corridor. Kathleen turns up her nose, and Susie gives him that awkward smile people give you when they want to tell you, as politely as possible, to fuck off and never bother them again. Last of all is Caitlin. "What a bunch of do-gooders, eh?" says Rick. Caitlin tells him to get away from her. "You made me look dumb! I stood up for you! They said you were stupid and I said you weren't! But they were right. And after I tried to help you and everything!" Ouch.

"Help me?" asks Rick. "What am I, your project or something? Anyways, I helped you! I thought up the announcements, I went to the factory, I made you go in. So I'm not rich like you, so I don't do too good in school – that doesn't make me a charity case." Caitlin listens with growing horror, and by the end is so beaten down that she doesn't even think to tell Rick that he doesn't do too well in school, not "too good".

On his way out the door, Rick turns to deliver the death blow: he only joined the committee because he liked Caitlin, not because he wanted help. The theme tune plays, very slowly, so you know it's a very sad moment. You've screwed up badly, Caitlin. And you only get one chance with Rick Monroe.

Oh hey, the subplot! Yick's rummaging through a pile of locker crap, as usual. Arthur appears, and reluctantly shuffles over to talk to him. Yick demands his vase, and Arthur tentatively shows him the crappily glued wreckage. Yick gets mad because he won't have anything to show when he talks to the class. "Just tell them how you and your family got here," says Arthur. "It's a great story, and it really happened!" Yick storms off, to inappropriately perky music.

By the next scene, however, he's completely come around to the idea somehow. He gives his speech to the other kids about how his family were at sea for more than a month, dodging pirates and so on, and how he doesn't have anything to show because they couldn't bring anything with them. Everyone's all moved, and applauds him, and Susie's NASA emblem has been well and truly one-upped, and Ms Avery even puts her hand on his shoulder.

But Rick doesn't care, because he's got problems of his own. He angsts off downstairs, watched by Kathleen and Caitlin (who's wearing a headband again; headbands will soon become as much a part of her character as meddling and middle-class guilt). "Our community just wasn't appropriate for someone like Rick," says Kathleen, then announces she's thought of a new name: "The Degrassi Junior High Anti-Pollution and Pro-Environmental Action Committee". Caitlin turns around and calls Kathleen a jerk. I'm pretty sure the script then called for her to storm off down the stairs, but instead she just kind of meanders slowly down, pausing here and there for a glance around, and the scene trails off. Nice.

Back in the classroom, everyone's just about finished fangirling Yick. Once the others are gone, Arthur comes over and hands him some money, and promises to give him his pocket money forever, then get a job and give him his salary until the vase is paid for. Yick hesitates, then gives Arthur the money back, and admits that he bought the vase and "it's not a family hair-loom or anything". I can't tell if that's a deliberate joke or if nobody bothered to tell the poor kid how to pronounce "heirloom".

Anyway, they yell at each other for lying, then smile and go off to be stupid somewhere else, where I don't have to watch them.

After school, Caitlin comes over to Rick at the bike racks. He asks her what she wants, and she apologises for being spectacularly patronising, then tells him that smoking is really stupid. Plus ça change. Rick just gives his standard brush-off response: "Yah, yah." So… I guess he'll just keep smoking, then.

After a pause, Caitlin also admits that he was right about the evil factory guy not listening to them, then angsts about how she wishes there was something they could do. Rick suggests telling the paper about what happened, in order to stir up some publicity. Which just might work, if there's a reeeeeally slow news day any time soon.

Caitlin grabs Rick and gives him a platonic kiss, so far from his mouth that it's practically on the back of his head. "You're brilliant!" she exclaims. Rick looks theatrically around, and then shushes her. "I have a reputation," he says. Awww.

And yet again, the closing credits play over an unbelievably unflattering still of one of the Degrassi kids. Sadly, it seems smoking has already ravaged Rick's teeth. Shane would be delighted.

Dubious lessons of the week: Class-based rage and abuse-based trauma are best channelled into low-level environmental activism. Smoking is totally bad for you, had you heard? Horrible childhood experiences of persecution and displacement make really good anecdotes afterwards, so there's always that.

S01 E09 – What a Night

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Lucy is strolling oh-so-casually around the world's most depressing clothes shop. La la la, walk walk walk. She stops in front of a large, portentous sign reading "Shoplifters will be prosecuted", and peruses a pile of scarves. They're her trademark kind of sparkly scarves, the ones everyone apparently found so scandalous in '80s Canada. She takes a purple one off the top of the pile, casts an incredibly unsubtle look around to make sure nobody's watching her, and stuffs it in her bag. Issue of the Week firmly established, we go straight to the opening credits.

Next day, in school, Mr Raditch is announcing an upcoming spelling test. Among the words they have to learn are "dolt", "funeral", and "salad". How stupid are these kids? Also, the words "government", "neurosurgeon", "nocturnal", "balcony", and "quiche" all somehow appear in the kids' reading assignment for the week. That sounds like fascinating, confusing reading.

In the back of the class, Steph's reading a soap magazine. When the bell rings, she leaps up out of her chair, but Raditch points and her and snaps, "Wait!", like an infinitely less perky and benign version of the woman who sings the theme song. Anyway, he's just keeping them on after the bell to exposition about how utterly, life-changingly important this spelling test is. Close-up on Lucy, looking bored, and Voula, watching her with a strange yearning. Hey, I've never seen Voula with any men! Let's start a witch-hunt!

Once Raditch finally dismisses the class, Voula runs over to tell Lucy how fabulous her scarf is. It's the one she stole earlier. "What, this old thing?" asks Lucy, who's also wearing a gigantic shirt which has tails, like a man's shirt, only no man's shirt would have such a horrible floral pattern on it, so I have no idea who this monstrosity is actually intended for. Before they can leave, Raditch calls Lucy back. "He's such a faaascist," she whispers to Voula. Yeah, calling people back after class was one of Mussolini's lesser-known crimes, but it really irritated the Italian populace after a while.

Out in the corridor, Steph's excited about some plan or other, but Heather says they have study period, and should, uh, study. Steph says someone will be keeping watch in case "Baxter" turns up, and doesn't Heather want to see "Damon King"? The girls swoon over this Damon King guy, and go into the library.

Back in the classroom, Lucy is giving Mr. Raditch a run for his money in the stinkeye department. He cuts to the chase: her marks are crap lately, and what's going on? Are there problems at home? Wow, that's original. Lucy says everything's fine, and she's probably just going through a phase. Raditch says she'd better start a new phase, or "you're going to jeopardise your entire year", which seems to be Canadian for "you might fail and get kept back", rather than "everyone in your year will die horribly if you don't learn to spell". But I could be wrong – maybe Canadian schools are really hardcore, and use decimation as a punishment? Anyway, Lucy's not interested in having this conversation, so eventually Raditch reluctantly lets her go. Faaaascist.

In the library, everyone's watching TV, which is what Steph was so excited about before. Wow, TV! Specifically, they're watching a soap called "Days of Passion", Canada's answer to "Invitation to Love". We see a brief clip of the show, and it's fantastic, seeing as it has even lower production values than Degrassi itself. Some horribly ugly mulleted guy (the Damon King the girls were squeeing over earlier), and an emotionless woman with '80s Playboy Playmate hair, are discussing their forbidden love; there is much bandying about of lines like "If only we were free to follow our hearts!" and "We can't do this to Amanda and Harvey!" and even "Hush, my sweet." "Amanda", of course, is in a coma, because broadcasting laws state that all soaps must have at least one character in a coma at all times.

Nearly all the girls in the library are completely enthralled by this, especially Steph and the twins, who make loud fangirl noises every time the hideous mulletman is on screen. Joey and Wheels, at the back of the room, are mocking the whole thing, and being pretty entertaining. Voula, who presumably isn't allowed watch TV due to her parents being ethnic, is working quietly in the corner. Lucy comes in and sits beside her, and bitches about Raditch. "I don't have to worry. I don't need spelling. I'm gonna be a dancer," she announces. Solid strategy there; can't see how that could backfire. Voula, a little starstruck by Lucy's seditious Raditch-bashing, offers to coach her in spelling anyway, and Lucy looks kind of touched.

Over by the TV, Steph announces that she's going to meet Damon King, and pulls out her soap magazine, which has an ad for a book signing he's doing tomorrow. The twins agree to go along with her. Even Heather!

Just then, Alexa, who's keeping guard at the door, announces that "Baxter's coming!". Erika turns off the TV, and everyone hastily pretends to be studying. In comes the mysterious Ms Baxter, who I think we've briefly glimpsed before, but who will never actually be seen to teach a class or anything, because the show's budget won't cover it. She sits down to supervise the study class. Lucy whispers to Voula that she would like help with her spelling, after all. Because Lucy is just that lonely.

Later, at Lucy's, they're going over spellings, and Lucy is not that good. She whinges that it's boring, and Voula says she just has to keep practicing. "No I don't," says Lucy. "It's my right to flunk if I want to." I like Lucy, but her whiny sense of entitlement is really irritating sometimes.

Just then, the phone rings, and Lucy goes to answer it. It's her mother, to say she'll be working late. Oh, and Dad's working late too, but that whole side of things is downplayed, because careers are normal for men. Lucy sounds suicidally depressed at this news, but I'm sure she doesn't really mind, since she previously swore to Mr. Raditch that everything was fine at home. Right? Right?

Once she hangs up, she decides that she's sick of studying, and that there's no problem in life that can't be solved with a healthy dose of denial and… a makeover! She drags Voula off to her room, and starts throwing her clothes to try on. Voula protests geekily, but is powerless in the face of Lucy's slightly manic enthusiasm, and eventually breaks into a nervous, nasal giggle.

Meanwhile, the Advanced Unwise Behaviour group are on the way home, wildly excited about tomorrow's book signing. Erika is pretending to be Damon King, telling a faux-swooning Steph that "the moment I saw you, I knew we were meant for each other. Now, I know you're only fourteen, but what does age matter?" It actually matters quite a lot, as we are soon to find out. Anyway, the point of this scene is: Steph is fourteen, and fourteen-year-old girls think relationships with men in their late thirties are totally romaaaantic.

Back at Lucy's, the makeover is in full swing. Voula's now wearing too-large leopard-print leggings, a black tank top, and a little tiger-print scarf. "It's not the usual me, that's for sure," she understates. Lucy drags her to the mirror and ties the scarf around her neck so it looks a bit like a man's tie. "That's nice!" says Voula in the high-pitched voice of a bad, bad liar. She then adds, "I wish I had more interest in clothes," which (since it implies that this whole makeover is a waste of time) seems weirdly passive-aggressive; but hey, it's Voula. Lucy offers to lend her some stuff, but Voula says that her parents won't let her be sophisticated. I really don't think parental disapproval is the only thing preventing her from being sophisticated.

"My parents are perfect," says Lucy offhandedly. "They buy me everything I want. And they're always working, so they're never around here to bug me." "Don't you get lonely?" asks Voula. Lucy looks enormously uncomfortable, then claims that she's "self-sufficient". The phrase "not just a river in Egypt" springs to mind. The girls smile awkwardly, and then Lucy tries to make Voula try on another outfit. Voula says she has to go home, and Lucy practically begs her to stay for dinner. Very self-sufficient of her. Voula just shakes her head sadly, and Lucy advances on her, frantically insisting that her mother is a gourmet cook and "takes classes and stuff", but Voula backs away and says that Papa Stalin is expecting her home. That bread won't slice itself! "Boooring," snarks Lucy, who is not at all jealous of Voula's smothering home life. Not even a little bit. Tra la la.

Of course, a good mother wouldn't need to take cookery classes, because she would actually be home to cook every night, instead of gallivanting off to meetings and mergers and whatnot! Fancy-schmancy gourmet cookery is no substitute for proper dutiful housewifery.

A little later, Voula's leaving, dressed in her peasant outfit. Lucy thanks her for the help with her spelling, then gives her the stolen scarf from earlier. Voula is utterly overjoyed to wear something that wasn't previously owned by her grandmother back in the old country. "Keep it for as long as you like," says Lucy, "I've got lots." Or at least she knows where to steal more. Voula heads off into the night, and Lucy stares after her with inexpressible longing. Because she is lonely.

Just then the phone rings. Lucy goes back in to answer it, looking ridiculously excited. But she just gets her heart broken, and not for the first time, as her mother is still tied up at work – "You know what these deals are like!" she declares chirpily, because she is a callous businesswoman. She then tells Lucy that there's some sushi in the fridge, which sounds pretty good, but it's the last straw for Lucy. She shuffles sadly over to the fridge and takes out the sushi, bravely wiping away a single tear. Because she is lonely. Because her mother has a career.

Next day, Mr Raditch is giving the spelling test. Lucy and Voula exchange a smile, because Lucy is totally kicking the ass of this test, even though she quit halfway through their only study session to tart Voula up. Whatever.

When the bell goes, Raditch announces that he'll have their tests marked after lunch, and everyone gets up to leave. Lucy enthuses some more about how studying totally, like, made her know stuff, and Voula is anaemically supportive as ever.

Cut to Steph and the twins. Steph is skanked up to the max, wearing a geometric-patterned boob tube and a miniskirt that's on back to front. Heather, in accordance with her contractual obligations, is insisting that going to the book signing is a bad idea for some reason, but this is pretty much just filler dialogue while Steph gets her stuff out of her locker. Then they head out the door for an exciting afternoon in a bookshop.

The bookshop… oh dear lord. There's the most amateurish poster EVER outside; it proclaims that "TV's hottest soap star", "King of Hearts Damon King", is signing his new book, "Confessions of a Soap Star!!". Yes, the exclamation marks are part of the title. The poster's in black-and-white, including a really bad photocopy of Damon King's face, but has been lazily coloured in here and there with a marker that was running low on ink. Better yet, when the girls arrive and go into the shop, we see some copies of the book in the front window, and the cover is just a smaller version of the poster. Crappy colouring-in and everything. Best of all: the books are clearly stacked in a Random House branded display case. I feel terribly sorry for Random House, who probably never knew why their share prices tumbled so dramatically all of a sudden.

Inside, the shop is piled high with copies of Damon King's book. The man himself is at a table, being charming with a middle-aged woman who's telling him what a big fan she is. He sleazily kisses her on the hand as she tells him, "You look so adorable." Adorable is not quite the word. He is wearing a blazer made out of that heavy white material with Regency-style pastoral scenes which is usually used to make couch-covers.

The girls come in, and stop to ogle him. "He looks just like on TV!" sighs Erika. That's not really a good thing, considering what he looks like on TV. Steph goes over to the table and hits Damon King with the full power of her Flirting Grin. Apparently the man is majorly into uneven teeth, because he wiggles his eyebrows and growls, "Hi there," in what is presumably supposed to be a languid, sexy voice, but actually sounds more like he's had a few Valiums (Valia?).

Steph explains that she can't afford to buy a copy of his book, but will he sign her TV Guide? Damon looks her up and down, then up and down again, then once more just to be sure, lingering around the boob tube area, then signs the magazine. In the background, Erika eagerly wonders if he'll kiss Steph. From the way he's mentally undressing her, I'd say we can be fairly sure of the answer. Behind Erika, we can see a woman with an eye patch who I'm sure appears later (minus eye patch) as Kathleen's mother. Low-budget TV, how I love thee.

"How old are you, Stephanie?" asks Damon. She hesitates a second, then says she's sixteen. "Sweet sixteen," he muses in a "nice and legal, eh?" voice, looking her up and down a few more times. He then adds something to the autograph, and hands back the magazine. "You know, Stephanie," he breathes, "one autograph, one kiss. That's my policy." A policy that must prove awkward during things like contract signings. He leans over and kisses her on the cheek, displaying the full mightiness of his hideous mullet in the process.

Steph looks briefly shocked, but runs over to the twins and squees that she'll "never wash this cheek again", which, ew. Heather, always on the lookout for something to disapprove of, looks at the autograph and realises that Damon King has written down his phone number. Steph looks back at him, and he nods and winks at her, and I did not know a nod and wink could be so very, very disgusting. AAAAAURGH. As the girls leave, the camera zooms in on one of the Damon King posters, and he totally has the face of a killer.

After the break, everyone's back in class, and somehow the girls made it to the book signing and back in time to get their spelling test results. Thrilling. Heather did well, but Erika did badly, and gives Raditch a look of utter loathing. Because she's the mildly cool twin. Raditch tells Joey that "I didn't realise you knew Swahili." Joey looks like he completely doesn't get the joke, but everyone laughs at him, so he gets the general idea. Seemingly, Raditch didn't really learn his lesson about publicly mocking students. And Lucy, of course, wins at literacy.

Raditch then gives some closing remarks about spelling, but while he talks, he's gathering up his stuff, looking at his watch, and pacing nearer and nearer to the door. The instant the bell rings, he yanks open the door and makes a run for it, actually doing a little air-punch on the way out. Cute.

Steph and the twins are first out the door, and Heather's already in mid-lecture about how calling Damon King would be really, really stupid. "He gave me his number, why shouldn't I call him?" says Steph, displaying the impeccable reasoning skills we've come to love her for.

Meanwhile, Lucy's totally psyched about her newfound spelling skills. "I passed and it's all thanks to you!" she tells Voula. "You helped me, now I'm going to help you. Let's go get you some new clothes!" Voula, who's still wearing Lucy's scarf, says she doesn't have any money. "Don't worry about it!" says Lucy. "You want new clothes, don't you?" Note: a line like that is never, ever a good sign. Voula protests, but Lucy's not taking no for an answer.

As ominous bass music thrums in the background, Steph and the twins walk towards a phone box. "I don't think you should do this," grumps Heather, who is no less annoying just because she's the only one with any common sense. Steph and Erika squee over the dubious hotness of Damon King; when Heather points out that he only wants Steph's body, Steph views that as a major plus.

As Steph goes into the phone box and dials (dials! on a dial!), the twins stand outside and make various in-character comments on the situation, e.g. "I don't believe this." "Neither do I." "This is so romantic." "This is so dumb." "Don't be such a prude." "I am not a prude!" Steph, meanwhile, gets through to Damon King, who clearly has nothing to do but sit by the phone waiting for bouffant-haired schoolgirls to call. When she gets out of the phone box, she announces, "A date! Tonight! He's gonna show me how a TV studio works!" Is that what they're calling it these days?

"Isn't it kind of dumb going out with some strange man?" asks Heather, the annoying voice of reason. Erika insists, "This is not a strange man – this is a TV star!" Heather points out that they don't know anything about him (should have shelled out for a copy of his autobiography!). "Sure we do!" chirps Steph. "We watch him on TV all the time! I read about him! I feel like I practically know him!" Heather continues to list very reasonable objections to this whole thing (he's too old; "showing you how a TV studio works" is the most made-up excuse for a date ever), but Erika insists she's just jealous, and Steph says she can take care of herself. I'm not sure what she's basing this on.

And from the amount of time this show just devoted to debating the pros and cons of dating a random celebrity, I have to assume the writers actually thought this was a genuine hazard that the youth of today (well, yesterday) needed to be warned about at length. What the hell? Was this a particular thing back in 1987?

Meanwhile, Lucy and Voula are in the clothes shop where Lucy stole the scarf. Voula's blown away by the stuff on offer, being still new to the wonders of capitalist free markets. Lucy says that she shops there a lot, but I'm not sure it counts as shopping if you actually just steal things. As Voula peruses something which she calls a tape, but comes in a box that's nearly a foot long (anyone know what this is? because I'm genuinely stumped) Lucy ostentatiously looks around and steals a necklace, then drags Voula off to look at sweaters.

They start going through the fugly sweatshirts on the sale rack. Voula says that the first one looks like something her mother would buy, and granted it's ugly, but it still looks ten times better than Voula's peasant dresses. People in glass houses and all that. She then likes the look of another sweatshirt, but Lucy witheringly tells her that these are "clone clothes". Ouch.

Voula goes over to look at another rack, then picks out a cardigan. It's just… just awful. It's a huge lumpy-looking V-neck, with a geometric pattern in navy and suicide green, with a big black collar and button band, and randomly strewn glitter. But, because the '80s make no sense, Lucy, the "stylish" one, declares that it's nice. Voula can't afford it, so Lucy promptly takes the cardigan off the hanger and shoves it in her bag. "What are you doing?" squeaks Voula. "Sssh! Be casual," orders Lucy. Behind her, a middle-aged woman in a purple sweatshirt gives her a stinkeye worthy of Raditch.

"Put it back!" hisses Voula, but Lucy insists that no-one saw them, in which case why is the middle-aged woman looking at them like they're the spawn of Satan? As Lucy drags Voula towards the escalator, the woman pulls out a walkie-talkie, and then extends its aerial, which is nearly a metre long. It is not what you'd call subtle.

Lucy and Voula march through the shop, Voula whispering that it's wrong, wrong, wrong! I don't know why she cares so much; as her father would tell her, all property is theft anyway. Lucy insists that it doesn't matter, and shops expect to lose stuff, and she doesn't quite say that she's sticking it to the man, but it's heavily implied. As they get on the escalator, she tells Voula not to be such a wimp, and Voula snaps, "I'm not a wimp, you're a thief!" The two facts are really not mutually exclusive.

Lucy gives her the bag, and huffily tells her to take the cardigan back, since she's so big on law and order, but Voula's scared someone will see. "Come on, Voula, no-one cares!" says Lucy, just as a security guard appears at the top of the escalator, and by the look of him, I'd say he cares. The girls try to run back down the escalator, but there's a shop assistant at the bottom, glaring at them with a Face Of Doom. The girls stop running, and are promptly escalated back up to the security guard. He smarmily takes the bag, and escorts them off to wherever security guards escort shoplifters to.

Meanwhile, Steph's standing outside a record shop, dressed for her date. You can tell she's in a bad neighbourhood because there's a siren wailing in the background.Her hair is frizzed and sprayed to within an inch of its life. She's wearing the pink leggings from her ill-fated date with Wheels, some random see-through glittery piece of fabric hanging over her ass, and a bomber jacket, because otherwise this outfit would just be slutty. Some middle-aged guy comes out of the shop and stares at her lasciviously as he walks away, but she doesn't notice.

Just then, Damon King pulls up in a white two-seater, and tells her to "hop aboard". Never trust a man who uses expressions like "hop aboard". She briefly looks nervous, but gets in, first casting a shifty look around in exactly the style of a hooker ineptly trying to be discreet. He looks her up and down in an even sleazier manner than before, and pervs, "Let's you and me go have some fun." Off they go, nearly colliding with a tram that looms out of the darkness at the last minute.

Lucy and Voula are in an office, sitting in front of a security guard who looks even more depressed than they do. She pulls the ugly jumper out of Lucy's bag, and dronily moralises, "What's the matter with you kids? Don't you think shoplifting matters? The store has to pay for the things you steal, which means they have to raise their prices and people have to pay more." At the start of this speech, she sounds soulless and apathetic, but then suddenly switches moods, sounding incredibly angry and embittered by the end. It's sort of impressive to screw up a short line so comprehensively, in two completely different ways.

Lucy rolls her eyes, and Voula looks like she might vomit. The security guard, back to a soulless monotone, speculates that they'll "be singing a different tune when the police arrive". Ooh, badass. Voula freaks out even more at the mention of the police, but Lucy tells her that if they pretend to be sorry, they won't get charged and won't have to go down to the station. Voula realises that Lucy's suspiciously familiar with police procedure, and asks if she's been caught before, at which Lucy gets pretty offended. She's not usually nearly this bad at stealing!

Just then, a policeman (who looks about 17; bad casting, or am I just getting old?) comes in. "Well well," he says to Lucy, "you again! And I see you've brought a friend with you this time." Voula realises she's been hanging with a hardened, hamfisted criminal, and gives Lucy her best guilt-trip stare, last seen during the school's presidential election.

Stephanie and Damon are driving past a bunch of motels. Not the family-friendly, 1950s kind of motels; the kind with hookers outside. There are, in fact, some hookers standing on the footpath. This show is aimed at what age group again?

Damon pulls in outside one of the motels. Steph looks around blankly. Her expression might be supposed to show slowly dawning horror, or complete incomprehension. It's Stephanie; it's hard to tell. Anyway, she eventually realises that this probably isn't a TV studio. Damon's non-explanation: "Why don't we stop for a bit? And talk?" Steph looks appropriately horrified, but insists she's not afraid, she just isn't that fond of Toronto's grimy motel disrict. Damon tries to persuade her that "this is a nice place"; I think he just underestimated Stephanie Kaye's intelligence and good taste. That takes some doing. And just in case you thought his "moves" couldn't get any more dodgy, he actually sprays his mouth with mouth spray – the international symbol for creepiness.

Leaning vampirically towards her, he repeats an earlier line from his TV show: "I think you and I have a lot in common… I really do." His sincerity is somewhat undermined by the fact that he's just put one hand around her, and the other on her thigh. Steph decides that enough is enough, and demands to be taken home NOW, but he just growls, "Come on, Stephanie. You know what this is all about." EW.

Steph leaps out of the car and starts to run, with impressive agility for someone in three-inch heels. Damon tries to follow, but she yells at him to stay away. He literally tries to shush her, but when he gets closer and puts his hands on her shoulders, she tells him the truth: "I'm not really sixteen. I'm fourteen years old." Hilariously, he literally backs away, looking around to make sure there are no paparazzi lurking, then turns and runs, dives into his car and drives off, tyres screeching. "You'd better not touch me!" Steph yells redundantly at his departing form.

Um… something tells me that real-world perverts are not quite so easily deterred.

At the shop, Lucy's explaining to the policeman that it was all her fault. Neither Voula nor the policeman really give a crap, though. And off they all go to the police station.

Steph's in the motel lobby, calling her mother. "I've done something really stupid," she says. To which the natural response is: what's new? "Can you come and pick me up?" she asks. "I'm at a motel." She's been crying, and her mascara is all Gothy and smudged. So you know this is a serious, gritty scene.

Voula and Lucy are on a bench at the police station. Some guy goes by in handcuffs, and they both look at him nervously. I believe we're getting some kind of message about how crime is a generally bad idea.

Voula snaps, and rants about how it's all Lucy's fault, but when Lucy tries to apologise, Voula tells her, "Don't talk to me," in a magnificently pissy tone. Just then, Papa Stalin arrives at the front desk, with some plump woman who is presumably Mama Stalin. Papa Stalin tells the teenage cop that he's here for Voula, and both Stalins give the girls filthy glares while they wait.

Voula's oblivious to this, being in full-on rant mode: "I'm sorry I ever helped you! I used to think you were sophisticated, but you're just dumb!" There's a long, awkward pause while both girls realise Voula's run out of dialogue, then try to look like their silence is intentional and hastily put on sulky faces. FINALLY the teenage cop turns up, and tells Voula that her glowering parents are here. Lucy wishes her luck, but just gets glared at in response. As the family is reunited, we can just hear the Stalins laying a standard-issue ethnic guilt-trip on Voula: "You see what we have here? What have you done to us? Why you do this? Is it my fault? No more Lucy! No more Lucy for you! I told you Lucy is no good!" Ah, immigants.

Meanwhile, the teenage cop returns to Lucy and tells her he's having some trouble contacting her parents. "They're very busy," she says, full of poorly concealed bitterness. The policeman says he's going to have to charge her this time, and they go off to wherever policemen take you to be charged. As she leaves, Lucy casts a wistful look at the epic scolding Voula's getting. I bet Mama Stalin doesn't have a career! On the plus side, at least Lucy's high-powered parents should at least have ample money for bail, if and when they actually turn up.

Oh hey, happy music! We're back at school the next morning. That was… abrupt. Steph's telling the twins about her date, and just in case we hadn't got the message already, she informs them that "what looks good on TV can be pretty gross in real life". Okay, I GET it. Jeez. I won't go on any dates with minor TV stars. Are you satisfied now, Degrassi writers?

No, they're not satisfied, apparently: we're subjected to some rambling about "not getting into risky situations" and how Steph was "reeeeally lucky" that Damon King was an unusually law-abiding pervert. Her mother, by the way, was not all that angry after all, only backing up my theory that her alleged strictness is just invented by Steph so she can feel put-upon.

Voula is bustling resentfully down the corridor when Lucy calls out to her. Lucy is wearing a man's blue shirt, a denim sleeveless shirt over that, and a waistcoat made out of carpet. Which is reason enough to avoid her, as Voula promptly does; also, she's not allowed talk to Lucy any more (or, as it's said in ethnic-speak, "No more Lucy for you!"). Lucy just follows her and waffles at the back of her head about how it really was all her own fault, and she was dumb, and she has to go to court: "I guess I'm in a lot of trouble." This finally gets Voula's attention, and she asks how Lucy's oh-so-loose parents felt about the whole clusterfuck. I'm paraphrasing slightly.

"They said I was a spoiled brat after all they'd done for me. Maybe they're right," Lucy admits. Ok, Lucy's shoplifting is stupid and unnecessary and admittedly illegal, but seriously: why are all the parents on this show so unsympathetic? Their reactions to standard teenage mischief range from accusations of brattism, unpatriotic Westernisation, unpardonable tomboyism and/or skankitude to administering savage beatings (or, best-case scenario, admitting to social workers that they wished they could administer savage beatings). Lucy shrugs and walks morosely into Mr. Raditch's class, and when Voula follows her, she continues, "They said we have to take family counselling. My parents probably won't be able to find the time." Yeah, that's fair.

Her anger rapidly dissipating, Voula is looking at Lucy with the same look of yearning as before, and finally blurts out: "Listen, do you want any more help? Like in spelling or math or anything?" Not so much in shoplifting. "But I thought your parents said," begins Lucy in befuddlement. "I'll talk to them," says Voula brightly. "They'll understand when they stop being so mad." On past form, this is wildly unlikely, but clearly the writers needed some way to wrap up this episode.

"So… do you want any help?" asks Voula again. Lucy pauses, then breaks into a broad, ill-judged grin. In true Degrassi style, as the closing music starts, we freeze on a very unflattering shot of her braces.

Dubious lessons of the week: Children of high-powered parents will inevitably become illiterate, erratically-dressed delinquents. Tutoring a new friend in spelling is a sure-fire way to end up in trouble with the law. Celebrities are perverts.

S01 E08 – Nothing to Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Morning. L.D. comes out of her house, eating a scone the size of a man's heart. She goes into a large garage, i.e. the kind where you take your car to be fixed, not the kind you have at your house. Nonsensical country music is playing on the radio – I've tried to decipher the lyrics, but all I can make out is "Your lips roasting at sunset, and bigger out what, you know what you gets it, you know what you got." Perhaps this is some obscure Canadian dialect, because it makes no damn sense in standard English.

Over at one end of the garage, L.D.'s dad and his garage minion are doing car stuff to a car, while L.D.'s dad smokes, which seems like a fire hazard to me, but what do I know? Also, this actor is a very unconvincing smoker. The garage minion tells "Mr. D" to look at what L.D.'s eating, and Mr. D mutters "marshmallows on toast" in a tone of deepest loathing. Which, again, makes no sense because, as I mentioned, she's in fact eating a gigantic scone.

L.D. comes over to say goodbye, and her dad asks if she's finished cleaning the kitchen yet. When she looks shamefaced, he says she has to do it right after school. Without opening her mouth properly, she mumble-lisps that he "promised I could fix Mr. Jeremiah's transmission". Her dad sexists irritably at her: "It's time you stopped monkeying around out here! You're thirteen years old! You're supposed to be turning into a lady! Now go, or you'll be late for school!" His voice has a ridiculous echo; I'm pretty sure his lines were actually dubbed in with a recording made in a giant underground cavern.

L.D. rolls her eyes and leaves, but before she's out of earshot, he shouts at her to get rid of her shocking, manly baseball cap: "You think your mother would let you wear a cap like that?" L.D. mutters "Drop dead" as she cycles away. And I think somebody is going to get an extra-large serving of irony any minute now.

(For those who are reading this without being overly familiar with the show: L.D. always wears a baseball cap. It's kind of her thing. She also wears check flannel shirts, even though she does not listen to grunge. That's how we know she's a tomboy. We've never actually seen her do anything tomboyish.)

As he tries to resume doing non-specific car stuff, Mr. D. suddenly grunts in distress, and clutches his left armpit. Yes, it's annoying when you suddenly realise you forgot to put on deodorant, but there's no need to over-react. Mr. D. sits on the floor, looking irate, and his garage minion runs off to call a doctor. This episode's themes of contentious tomboyism and parental heart attacks firmly established, it's time for the opening credits.

In school, Ms Avery (rocking a blue shoulder-padded power dress, yet another diamante belt, and career-woman neck scarf, with – in a brief departure from her usual left-wingitude – a giant hairdo reminiscent of Sarah Palin) is outlining some dumbass make-work project in which the kids have to split up into groups and map sections of the neighbourhood. Spike, L.D. and Voula are in a group together, and it seems they'll be mapping the area around a hospital. "I hate hospitals – they give me the creeps," says L.D., an utterance that will be in no way relevant to other events in this episode.

The project's due in on Friday, and L.D. doesn't think they can get it done on time, but Voula, young Stakhanovite that she is, says it'll be ok if they start today and work hard and so on. L.D., of course, has to clean the kitchen this afternoon, but the others say they can meet her afterwards. She complains that her dad was ok before her brothers moved out, but "now it's nag, nag, nag, like I'm supposed to be a little princess or something". Yeah, because princesses get nagged a lot? I guess? Also, given what happens in this episode and the complete absence of L.D.'s alleged brothers throughout, I stand by my theory that they don't exist. They are simply a delusion she's developed as an embodiment of the patriarchal forces that daily threaten to destroy her.

Voula mentions that her dad is pretty strict, but we all know that doesn't really count, because he's ethnic (and a former dictator) and it's expected of him. But we have a right to expect better of non-immigrant parents! L.D. continues to complain about how her dad won't let her do car stuff any more, and she's supposed to be a lady all of a sudden, and sometimes she wishes he'd get out of her life IRONY ALERT.

Meanwhile, Caitlin and Melanie are chatting about someone Melanie likes, and it is in fact Snake the Man-god, who's standing right behind them. Melanie, not even a little bit embarrassed by this, turns around and says a very grinny hello, and he says hello back, and it's all very awkward and cute.

And if you thought we were actually going to have a non-Yick-and-Arthur-related subplot for once, I have bad news for you. They're with Susie in the library, and she's berating them in her usual emotionless monotone: "'We'll be careful,' you said. 'We know how to take care of him,' you said." "Susie, be reasonable!" whines Arthur. "Reasonable? You want me to be reasonable?" snaps Susie, who for some reason seems to think that being reasonable is entirely beyond her abilities – which is actually true, at least when there's a supposed lesbian around.

Melanie comes in, sits down next to a large terrarium, and asks what's going on. "These guys left the top open. Amadeus is gone," says Susie. Melanie stares at the terrarium and explains to herself, and us, that Amadeus is "the snake", and was there seriously no less clumsy way for the writers to explain this situation to us? As Susie continues to rant at the boys, Melanie rambles to herself about how "Amadeus is loose in the school… slithering… slinking… waiting to crawl up somebody's leg… " Susie tells the boys to look for Amadeus, and they proceed to wander around the library calling his name. They truly are stupid: everybody knows the only person who can help them now is Barry White.

That afternoon, L.D. cycles back into the garage, where she's met by her dad's minion. He brings her up to speed in the least sensitive way ever: "Your dad's in the hospital… it's his heart, or something." Yeah, thanks for that, garage minion. Anyway, he gives L.D. a list of stuff her dad asked her to bring to the hospital for him, and in another show of diplomacy, observes that Mr. D was "grumpy as ever" and says that his health problems are all his own fault. He then struts off. Considering he doesn't actually seem to be trying to be an asshole, he's doing a remarkably good job of it.

Outside the school, Voula and Spike sit despondently on the steps. Voula's donned a gigantic, tourist-issue Aran sweater over her Russian peasant ensemble. Why wear one kind of lumpish Eurasian traditional outfit when you could can two at a time? "I bet L.D. won't show," says Spike. "I did a science project with her last year, remember? I ended up doing all the work." Voula points out that L.D. had the flu, but Spike darkly replies, "She's always got excuses."

Speaking of which, L.D. is at home, packing her dad's stuff. All the products in the bathroom are weirdly unlabelled, perhaps to compensate for the blatant product placement of three episodes ago. Also, her dad has apparently requested she bring him a huge pile of dishtowels.

As she puts some framed photos into a bag for him, she comes to a photo of a woman (presumably Mrs. D) with a baby (presumably the young L). And the show goes to a whole new level of manipulativeness, as we hear in voiceover Young L.D. asking her dad, "Why did they take Mummy to a hospital?" Flashback Voicover Mr. D explains that her mom's not feeling well, and she's gone to hospital so she can feel better, and he promises that her mom will be home soon. LIES.

Voula and Spike are still waiting, and eventually decide to phone L.D. Which, hilariously, actually entails getting up and going into the school to find a phone. Ugh, the old days! Also, why are Spike's tapered trousers always like an inch too short? For someone with such "outrageous" punk hair, her middle-aged spinster clothes are really incongruous.

In the garage, Mr. D's minion answers the phone (a rotary phone, with a real bell inside. Crazy) and gives the receiver to L.D. Voula nasally asks where she is, which is in fact a spectacularly stupid question considering they phoned her, on a landline. L.D. says she forgot to meet the others and offers no explanation, and pretty much hangs up on them. "I told you she's always got excuses," bitches Spike.

"Ready to come to the hospital?" asks the garage minion. L.D. looks terrified and says she's going to stay at home, since she still hasn't cleaned up the kitchen. Minion claims her dad would rather see her than a clean kitchen, but L.D. doesn't dignify this assertion with an answer, and says she'll visit him tomorrow if he's not out by then. Eventually, the garage minion gives in and heads off on his motorbike, and L.D. locks up the garage. Which, in place of a real shopfront, has yet another of those damn handlettered bubble-writing posters in the front window. Aaargh, the '80s!

Next morning, Arthur and Yick are in Doris Bell's office, making an announcement over the PA about the missing snake. As Arthur witters about how there's no need to worry, because Amadeus is "friendly, for a snake, and not at all poisonous", we see Melanie clump into school in a pair of tight jeans, which have been tucked into a huge pair of boots (I think they're ice skates with the skatey bit removed) and then heavily masking-taped around the ankles. She anxiously checks her locker for snakes, and in the background we see Joey grab Snake and yell, "I got the snake!" Well, at least we got that inevitable joke out of the way quickly.

In an unnecessary bit of exposition, Alex asks Melanie what's the deal with her boots, and she explains that it's an anti-snake precaution. Alex smirks and walks off. Melanie then says hello to Snake, who answers, "Nice boots, Melanie." But, you know, not meanly enough to disrupt the cuteness of their hamfisted flirting.

Later, in the gym, the girls are warming up. L.D. comes over to Voula and Spike and, lest we briefly forget that she is a tomboy, declares, "Thank goodness for gym, eh? Only place in the whole school that's comfortable!" Spike snarks at her about not turning up yesterday. Voula (who's not wearing her glasses, and would actually be quite pretty if not for her enormous eyebrows) says that there's lots more to do, and L.D. should come along today.

L.D. says she can't, and Spike totally loses it: "You think it's fair that we have to do all the work? Why don't you help for a change?" Eventually, L.D. does the sensible thing and actually explains that her dad's in the hospital. Suitably mortified, Spike and Voula apologise and say she doesn't have to help with the project. L.D. looks tormented. The background music is incongruously cheery.

After school, Snake and Wheels are chatting about the snake. "I heard it's in the girls' washroom," says Wheels. "So stay out of there, ok?" "Yeah, all right," says Snake, like he totally would hang around in there under normal circumstances, but if there's a snake in there he'd better stay away for a day or two.

L.D.'s heading home too, and everyone is sending their best wishes to her dad. Which is something I think most young teenagers would be waaaay too embarrassed to do. Joey, of all people, comes up to her and gently says, "Tell him Joey said to stay cool," without even asking if she'd be a doll and hurry up with his dad's transmission. As L.D. cycles off, we hear Steph and Lucy talking about how the snake is in the boys' washroom. Hilarity!

At home, L.D. goes into the garage, where her dad's minion is under a car, you guessed it, doing car stuff. She nervously goes up to him, carrying some flowers wrapped in cellophane. He's glad that she's evidently going to visit Mr. D, "but don't let him talk you into getting him more cigarettes – he tried that on me". Mr. D clearly does not learn.

L.D. sits down on the garage floor, a manly act which her father would almost certainly disapprove of, and asks the garage minion how long he's had his own apartment, and what it's like living alone. Minion says it's pretty rad most of the time, there's nobody telling him what to do, but sometimes he gets so lonely he has to put the TV on the kitchen table "so I won't have to eat alone". There's a nice little snapshot of bleak urban alienation for you, folks.

But, on the other hand, at least garage minion is not a tragic orphan: his parents live around the corner and he can go there for dinner whenever he wants. L.D. looks crushed, reckoning that if her dad dies and she is thus tragically orphaned, she probably won't be able to depend on Mom Minion for some home-cooked meals. You could always go live with your brothers, L.D. Oh wait.

Eventually, Minion realises the point of this conversation, and tries to reassure L.D. that her dad isn't dying, but she's not really convinced. She's also horrified to learn that Minion can't go to the hospital with her, because "Mr. Jeremiah's screaming for his car back". Wow, Mr. Jeremiah is in fact less classy than Joey. That takes some doing. Also, Minion is brandishing a lightbulb in his hand and somehow making it light up, which is a nifty trick. Looking distinctly ill, L.D. sets off for the hospital.

Next we see her outside the hospital, with some ominous bass strumming in the background. She shuffles into the building, and I think she's meant to look scared but she really just looks disgusted by all the sick people. Again, and with some extra echo effects, we hear Flashback Voicover L.D. asking her dad why Mummy's gone to the hospital, and Flashback Voiceover Mr. D saying that Mummy will be fine and hospital is where people go to get well. LIES. Oh yeah, just in case you hadn't noticed, L.D. has hospital-related trauma issues. There are also some super-creepy surrealist whooshing sounds in the background, yet again adding a vaguely Lynchian feel to proceedings.

Eventually, L.D. panics and gives the bunch of flowers to a receptionist, asking for them to be sent up to her dad ("Mr. Delacorte"). The receptionist is another inexplicably English dame, like the bra lady from a few episodes back, and what is it with this show and its weird old English women? L.D. scuttles out of the hospital, nearly wrenching the too-slow automatic doors open with her bare hands, another act of masculinity which her father would disapprove of. Commercial break.

Some time later, L.D. is standing across the road from the hospital. She goes into a phone booth and, in a scene that is surely stretched out unnecessarily, slooowly phones her dad. As they talk, we see him sitting in his hospital bed, from the neck down only, interspersed with shots of the stuff on his bedside table. It makes the scene creepy and mysterious for no reason. Was the actor briefly unavailable or something, so they filled in with some randomer and hoped we wouldn't notice? Because… it's pretty noticeable.

Anyway, L.D. asks her dad how he is, and he says he'll be fine (the camera pans over the framed photo of the late Mrs. D, to remind us of his track record as a LIAR in these matters) but he needs some more tests. When he asks why L.D. didn't call up to see him, she tells him that she had to go work on the mapping project, and her friends are waiting for her right now. Hm, seems like being a LIAR is a family trait.

Anyway, they say goodbye, and as a parting shot, Mr. D. asks, "How's that kitchen? You cleaned it yet? I don't want to get home and find it a mess." Patriarchal brute. We finally see his face at the very end, looking sad and lonely, and I still have no idea what the hell was going on with this scene.

Next morning, in school. Yick, Arthur and Susie are sneaking down into the school basement, with a big cardboard box, and I get an unpleasant sense that some wackiness is imminent. The kids bicker over whether the snake is likely to be in the basement: Arthur says yes, because snakes are cold-blooded so Amadeus is probably keeping warm in the boiler room, while Yick says no, because he doesn't understand what "cold-blooded" means. The cardboard box has some leaves taped to the corners, and crude drawings of grass, snakes, and mice on the sides. How old are these kids, seriously? Susie's worried that the snake might have gone off and got run over, but Arthur says they're sure to catch him with this spiffy cardboard box trap, which Yick is baiting with lunch meat. Because snakes love lunch meat!

Mmm, lunch meat.

So yeah. The kids sneak into the boiler room, and it seems kind of lax on the part of the school authorities to not, I don't know, lock the door? And by "lax" I mean "criminally negligent".

Up in the corridor, Melanie's still wearing her taped-up giant boots (and carrying her stylish Speedo gym bag, by the way). While she stows her stuff in her locker, Mr. Lawrence makes an announcement on the PA: "Please be aware that there is only one serpentine creature at large. Rumours of a dozen missing tarantulas are utterly without foundation." Yeah, sure, that's what they all say, until people start turning up dead.

Meanwhile, Alex and a couple of extras are hiding behind her opened locker door, and they sneak a very fake-looking plastic snake over the top of it. Melanie doesn't notice until it's at her eye level, then catches sight of it and shrieks, "SNAKE!" Snake thinks she's calling him, just to make things more embarrassing, and the other guys run away, laughing hysterically at her. Until they're spotted by Mr. Raditch, who seemingly dishes out the Stinkeye to anyone who seems too exuberant, just in case.

Melanie, seemingly pushed over the edge by this prank, just hides her face in shame and beats her head gently against her locker, not noticing that Snake is walking off with an affectionate smile. Mr Raditch stares at Melanie in total bafflement. Apparently the mechanics of adolescent embarrassment are beyond his ken.

In the classroom, Voula is carrying an envelope on which she's written "Flower MONEY", and also drawn a flower for the benefit of her stupider classmates. People are putting money in the envelope. Money with which to buy flowers. It seems the kids of Degrassi are pretty upset about Mr. D being sick; Spike helpfully reminds everyone that he sponsored their softball team last year (I dunno, sport sounds pretty unladylike to me) and even Steph is 100% in favour of sending him flowers. And truly Mr. D's plight has brought everyone together, because Voula even lets Steph express her opinion without launching a savage, painfully clumsy verbal attack on her.

Voula and Spike, obviously still feeling guilty about their previous judgeathon, say they'll take the flowers to the hospital at lunchtime. Surely they should make some handlettered posters too?

When L.D. comes in, everyone shuts up about the flower plan, and Voula asks how her dad is. L.D. cagily says that he's still in the hospital, and Voula, in a rare show of dumbassedness, asks her, "How do his eyes look? My grandmother says you can tell a person's health by looking in their eyes." Oh, ethnic people and their crazy ideas! L.D. mumbles that his eyes look the same as always, she guesses. Just then, Ms Avery creates a diversion by telling everyone that their mapping projects are going great. She delivers light shoulder-pats all round. Lesbian!

At lunchtime, we see Voula and Spike emerge from the hospital gift shop with a bunch of yellow chrysanthemums that might actually be one of the ill-fated bouquets from last episode. I would not put it past this show. They meander around the hospital and eventually find Mr. D's room. Spike, in the grand style of punk kids everywhere, has Tipp-exed some band names on her schoolbag: I can make out "The Cult" and "The Furs". I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or grudgingly impressed to learn that both bands actually exist.

Mr. D is morosely hunched over a ghastly hospital meal, framed photo of the late Mrs. D positioned prominently on his nightstand. He's a bit surprised to see Voula and Spike, but is touchingly pleased by the flowers. The girls explain that L.D. doesn't know they're there, and Spike says they wanted her to see the flowers next time she visits. "Next time?" says Mr. D sadly. "She hasn't been here yet. …But I understand she's got a big mapping project that's keeping her real busy." Yeah, I always use that excuse when I'm avoiding someone. Works every time.

The girls stare at him in horror, because Mr. D is putting on a brave face but it's pretty clear how depressed he is by this (admittedly very depressing) situation. He asks them to tell L.D. that he's going to be okay. They continue to stare.

Back at school, Arthur and Yick sneak back into the boiler room. They're wildly excited to see the trap has been sprung. Arthur bends down to investigate. "Oh no," he groans. "Dead?" asks Yick. "Rubber," says Arthur, holding up the toy snake from earlier Actually, much as I hate to admit it, that was kind of a funny prank by the other guys.

Voula and Spike are awkwardly saying their goodbyes to Mr. D. Out in the corridor, they share a long, intense stare that could be meant to express anything from terror to lust to "Seriously, WTF is up with L.D.?" I'm going with the latter. Spike declares that L.D. is "acting weeeeird".

Speaking of which, we next see L.D. huddled in the dark, sitting on the floor of the gym under a sadly ironic motivational poster. The effect is kind of weird. Voula comes in and says they've been looking everywhere for L.D., who says nothing in response. Voula explains that she's been to the hospital, and L.D. asks, "How do his eyes look?" She may or may not be trying to sound witheringly sarcastic, I'm not sure, but Voula doesn't understand sarcasm in others anyway, and just says that his eyes, and the rest of him, look fine. L.D. is not particularly comforted.

Out in the corridors, everyone's bustling around. Mr. Lawrence is on the PA again, reassuring everyone that "any cafeteria menus featuring Shepherd's Python or Corn on the Cobra are merely the product of a warped sense of humour". Wow, they're faking menus now? I kind of admire these kids' dedication.

Voula has refused to butt out, and is sitting on the floor beside L.D. "How come you don't go visit him?" she asks. L.D. mumbles a Tragic Backstory in Bullet Points: "When my mom got sick, she went into the hospital. Everyone said she was gonna be okay. I went to visit her. Then she died."

Voula has some truly revelatory words of wisdom: "Just because you go to the hospital doesn't mean you die." YOU DON'T SAY, VOULA. She starts droning on about getting her tonsils out last year, but L.D. interrupts her to say that her dad really doesn't want her there anyway. "He doesn't like me. I'm not at all like he wants me to be. He always yells at me. I always do stuff wrong." Voula remarks that he sounds like a normal dad to her, you know, except for the fact that L.D.'s dad strangely doesn't spend most of his time planning proletarian revolutions. "He needs you," she insists. "You're all he's got left." There's an overlong silence; I think one of the girls forgot her lines.

Closeup on L.D.'s legs in a pair of horrible tight tapered jeans, walking unsteadily into the hospital. Yet again, we hear the same voiceover flashback, as she makes her way through the corridors, confusingly mingled with the announcements on the hospital PA. Did they just page "Doctor Chlamydia"? This show is twisted.

Back in the school library, Arthur and Yick are looking under the couch cushions. In marches Susie. "Haven't you guys found Amadeus yet?" she asks, in possibly her most dead-voiced line delivery yet. Arthur insists that they're doing everything they can.

As the three bicker inanely (Yick suggesting that they should "do a dog" for their next class project, which… ew), Melanie walks in, cautiously scanning the area for snakes. She hears a squeaking sound and gasps. Over in the corner, Snake looks up from the huge glitter-covered dolls' house he's playing with. Look, I don't write this show, OK? He's 15. It makes no sense. Melanie realises that the noise is coming from a gym bag someone left on the table. She looks down, and sees Amadeus in the bag, flicking his tongue and making this weird squeaking noise. Do snakes do that?

Melanie opens her mouth to scream, but Snake's staring at her, and she doesn't want to look stupid in front of him, so she just nervously asks Susie to come over. Susie, overjoyed, picks up the snake and puts him around Arthur's neck (can you fashion a live snake into a noose?). "He's not slimy," Melanie realises. "He's kind of cute!"

Just then, Alex and his unspeaking henchmen come in. When he sees the snake, he panics, and his nostrils go even more enormous than usual. "Keep that thing away from me!" he tells Arthur, then runs out of the room. The others mock his weakness. "Honestly," says Melanie, "some people are afraid of the silliest things." Oh, the hilarity!

L.D. is still stumbling around the hospital, trying to find her way while being barged into by nurses wheeling dying people on trolleys. It's not a calming experience. And we get a new voiceover flashback! It's hugely long and bonusly traumatic: first Voiceover Flashback L.D. (who it turns out is actually named Lorraine) has gone into her mother's hospital room, and been freaked out by all the machines.

Next, she gets upset because her mother's been in hospital so long. Then, her dad's trying to comfort her/fob her off, when a doctor asks to speak to him in private. As Modern-Day L.D. gets to the door of her dad's room, Flashback Dad explains that Mummy won't be coming home. And right on cue, we see that Modern-Day Dad's hospital room has been vacated. Ouch.

L.D., horrified, goes into the room and reverentially takes off her baseball cap. Sad electric guitar music plays as she sits on the bed. And her plight is pretty heartbreaking, and we've all learned a valuable lesson about making the most of our time with the people we love, because they won't be around forever… *sniff*

Oh no, wait! It was just an incredibly manipulative trick from the writers. L.D.'s dad chirpily walks into the room, dressed and carrying an overnight bag. "You're alive!" exclaims L.D. "Of course I'm alive!" says her dad. "It's gonna take more than a little angina to stop me!" "Angina?" asks L.D., looking confused but not nearly as weirded out as most people are the first time they hear that word.

Mr. D says it's nothing serious, and he needs to take better care of himself, and they stare meaningfully at each other for a while before turning to go. L.D. chatters about how "from now on I'll be just like you want", but her dad interrupts her to say that she left her Baseball Cap of Manliness on the bed. He places it on her head in a symbolic gesture, and they walk happily down the corridor, and I swear someone called "Dr Mojo" is being paged on the PA, which is really distracting.

"If you think hospitals are scary," says Mr. D, "you should try being the father of a teenage daughter!" Which is a lovely thing for a father to say to his kid. "Don't worry," says L.D., "you'll get over it!" And off they go, friends at last. At least until he gets home and sees the state of the kitchen.

Dubious lessons of the week: If your parent has a heart attack, it's your fault for wishing it on them. Voiceover flashbacks are less dramatically effective the more you use them. Hospitals do not necessarily equal instant death. If you bait a trap with lunch meat, all you'll catch are teenage boys.

S01 E07 –Best Laid Plans

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:33:00 +0000

Outside Mr Raditch's class, end of the day. The bell goes, Raditch yells some kind of confusing insult at Joey, and everyone gets up to go. Business as usual. Steph's rocking the Olivia Newton-John look again, and Joey decides it's time to bust out another of his patented chat-up lines. "Joey D. Jeremiah, D for Doctor, at your service. I give great operations." Steph grins and writhes fatuously through this, but eventually turns Joey down with an icy "No thanks." He tries to persuade her that she's missing "a real opportunity", but she's stopped listening, and has in fact turned her back to him so she can better stare at Wheels, fixing him with a look that's supposed to be seductive but looks more like she wants to devour him after mating. Lucky boy.

Eventually, she remembers Joey's still there, and literally shoos him away, because Stephanie has no time for people she's not planning to hit on or cruelly exploit. Wheels is getting stuff from his locker, and doesn't seem to notice Steph even though she has pretty much shoved her breasts into his face. He looks utterly terrified when she actually speaks to him: "Wheels, I know I messed up our last date, but I'd like to try again…" Yes, if by "messed up" you mean "arrived some hours late and unspeakably drunk on Bailey's, commented on Wheels' unusual odour, then ran off to vomit for the rest of the evening". Wheels has no learning mechanisms or survival instincts, though, so he agrees to go see a movie on Friday night. There's much shy grinning, followed by secret celebratory air-punches behind each other's backs. Opening credits.

Down in the hallway, Joey's waiting for Wheels. When he turns up and tells him the good news, Joey is less than gracious: "Hey, great. You can sit in the back and neck." Well… yes, I'd say that was the general idea. Wheels points out that the lady's made her choice, so Joey had better just get over it, and Joey demonstrates his over-itness by telling Shane and Wai Lee what's going on. Shane declares that Steph is "THE saxiest chick in this school", so what does she see in Wheels? Joey announces gleefully that Wheels is a sex machine, which seems like he's overcompensating just a little. Melanie and Kathleen overhear, and for once, even Kathleen's amused. Don't expect that to last.

A still-psyched Steph goes into the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations to deskank and share her news. Unfortunately, the only people in there are Michelle, who's still an extra and will remain so for some years, and Voula. Voula's wearing another Austin Powers blouse; this one seemingly made from one of those waffly hospital blankets. Stephanie tells Voula that she's got a date, but Voula is still nursing her grudge as only Voula can: "This is my lucky day! The school president discussed her love life with me." Michelle stares in morbid fascination, and hangs around to eavesdrop on the rest of this. "Excuse me," says Voula on the way to the door, "I've got to go write this down before I forget the details." Steph tries to reason with her, but Voula sweeps off, so she settles down in front of the mirror to change back into a normal-looking member of society. It takes a while.

Luckily, Heather and Erika arrive to keep her company. They squee over the upcoming date, and Steph says that she thought he'd never forgive her for the Bailey's incident, and this time there'll be no mistakes. She is so wound up that she accidentally backcombs her hair some more, instead of un-backcombing (forwardcombing?) it.

Back in the hall, Caitlin and Susie are friends again, now that Caitlin's straight. And here come Arthur and Yick, just in time for the subplot! Don't worry, this one's actually funny. They go to Yick's locker, where Yick has something mysterious to show Arthur. He digs under the obligatory pile of locker crap, checks they're not being watched, and pulls out a videotape. "Swamp Sex Robots?" Arthur exclaims. "This is pornography!" (You can also tell it's porn because the side of the box reads "Sex! Sex! Sex!", it's made by a company called Pure Porn Presentations, and the phrase "Explicit!! Exciting Sex!" is just visible on the back. Obviously the props department had way too much fun making this.) Yes, Swamp Sex Robots. I mean, the only thing sexier than swamps or robots is swamps AND robots, am I right?

Yick explains that he stole it from his brother who's away for the weekend (he seems strangely unbothered by his brother's unorthodox tastes), but they can't watch it at his house because his grandmother's always there. Damn grandmothers, always getting in the way of one's porn-viewing plans. Arthur's staying at his mother's house this weekend, so they decide to watch it there. Yick promises that Swamp Sex Robots is "so hot, it'll fry your eyeballs". From the look on Arthur's face, I think he takes this literally.

Back in the bathroom, Steph's nearly done: she's wearing a huge shirt and skirt, her hair is in a style that can only be described as "churchy", and she seems to have slung a bathroom rug over he shoulders. But her thoughts are with future whorey outfits: "I'll wear something so sexy [Wheels's] tongue will hang out," she growls, and thanks for that mental image, Stephanie. One of the twins points out that Mama Kaye may not react too well to seeing Steph leave for a date dressed in her Hideous Skankwear. Steph literally has no answer to this (or else forgets her line): she just shrugs and walks out.

A little while later, we see Steph go into a chemist (sorry, drugstore). Her mother, who is the pharmacist, is on the phone lecturing someone on their daily Vitamin C needs. She then arranges to meet the caller for dinner on Friday, presumably to further discuss micronutrient requirements. Fun times! Once she hangs up, she awkwardly starts to give Steph a talk on how it's been a couple of years since the divorce, she has needs, blah blah. Well, she doesn't say she has needs, but it's sort of implied. Steph is 100% in favour of this development, to the surprise and relief of her mom (but don't worry, kids angsting over their parents' love lives will be the topic of several episodes in future seasons). And Mama Kaye is certainly making an exciting return to the dating scene: "I don't know him very well, but he seems nice. He comes in here quite often; always seems to have a cold." When Steph asks if he's cute, she answers, "Well, a bit… in his own way," which everyone knows is code for no.

On the way out, Steph confirms that her mother's going out at 7 on Friday. Mom: "Oh no, that's not going to ruin your plans, is it?" I am at a loss as to what she means by this. What kind of teenage plans could possibly be ruined by a parent's absence? It's all good, though, because Steph realises that without her mom around to safeguard her chastity, she can wear Hideous Skankwear on her date after all! Hurrah!

Next morning, back at school. L.D. is hanging out with Spike, because they're both vaguely nonconformist. Yick and Arthur are casting longing looks at the porn video. "How come you never told me Stephanie Kaye is your sister?" asks Yick. Arthur looks utterly terrified at being found out. "I guess… I never… got around to it… I guess," he mumbles. Just then, Steph emerges from the Bathroom. Arthur calls out to her, but she tells him to "buzz off", and by "buzz", she means another four-letter word entirely.

Arthur yells that she can't keep pretending he's not her brother, and she runs over and hisses that she has her "image" to maintain, and I think someone's gone mad with pseudo-power. She's the school president, not the actual president; school presidents don't have images. Arthur pathetically keeps trying to convince her to treat him like a human being, but she's having none of it.

Eventually, he gets to the point, and asks her if she and Mama Kaye are getting out of the house at any point over the weekend. Steph says they're both going out on Friday evening, and their mother has a date. Arthur's delighted, but once Steph's gone, it becomes clear that his joy is less to do with his mother getting on with her life, and more to do with the prospect of an evening spent watching deeply deviant porn. "Swamp Sex Robots, here we come!" Yick cheers, and they do some elaborate high-fivin' to celebrate.

Later, in the library, we are treated to a close-up of one of the book racks, and it is pure WTFery of the kind that makes this show great. There's a Barbara Cartland novel, something called FLYING SAUCERS – SERIOUS BUSINESS, and a book called Sweet Savage Love. The Amazon plot summary for the latter is "Ginny Brandon is swept from the ballrooms of Paris to the desert sands of Mexico and into the arms of charismatic mercenary Steve Morgan. But this fearless heroine and 'hero of all heroes' must first endure countless unforeseen dangers before they can enjoy sensual, exhilirating passion that burns between them." Amazon tells me it's cited by another book, entitled How to Write a Dirty Story. Various comments on Amazon and Smart Bitches, Trashy Books make it clear that this is very much one of the creepy-ass variety of 1970s "romances", where the men are violent bastards and the women love them for it. All of which is to say that the Degrassi school library has some really fucked-up selection policies. Ms Avery, where is your righteous old-school feminism when we need it?

The camera pans out to reveal Steph and the twins having another confab. "It's so romantic," sighs Heather. "You and Wheels, alone at a movie… he's so cuuute!" "What are you going to do if he tries something?" asks Erika eagerly. Heather is shocked. And scenes like this are the only times I can tell the twins apart; they are really really identical, and can only be differentiated by their "comically" conflicting personalities.

Steph ponders the notion of Wheels trying something, and says, "I don't know… maybe I'll let him." Erika grins, and Heather is appalled: "You'd let him try something?" "If I felt like it, sure," says Steph. "I'd do anything; if I felt like it." Which is a pretty vague policy, really. Over at the rack of dirty/academically disreputable books, Shane and Wai Lee are eavesdropping theatrically. "Anything?" asks Erika, who is TMIishly interested in other people's sex lives. Steph: "I've been on dates before, you know. I can handle it." She looks at the others for approval, but they just look anxious. Shane and Wai Lee are so excited at this news that they run out the door, Shane not even stopping to check out the flying saucer book he's holding. Melanie and Kathleen, also eavesdropping, exchange looks of amazement (predictably tinged with disgust in Kathleen's case).

In the boys' bathroom, Wheels and Joey (along with Snake, though they don't seem to be friends with him yet) are lined up at the urinals. Urinating. Urination scenes are extremely common in Degrassi, and every male I've ever watched it with has had a fit when he sees one of these scenes, because apparently they all break the great urinal taboos: the guys always stand at neighbouring urinals, and they always chat mid-pee. Matters of bathroom etiquette aside, I think it's pretty damn weird that so many scenes in this show involve the characters pissing.

Anyway, just as the guys are finishing up, Shane and Wai Lee rush in (Shane's UFO book has magically turned into a basketball on the way from the library). "Wheels, you're gonna make it!" Shane announces. Wai Lee clarifies, "With Stephanie H. Kaye, H for Hot." Joey is outraged, both at the blatant infringement of his sexy-nickname format and at the idea of Wheels "making it" with Steph. Wheels just looks terrified.

"She's got a plan!" says Shane. "She says she can handle it," says Wai Lee, making a gesture that he may or may not intend to be obscene. Joey and Wheels look equally freaked out. "Hope you're up for it!" says Wai Lee, and again, I can't tell if that's meant to be a dick reference or not. Joey semi-flounces out of the bathroom, but Wheels nervously grins at the others and waves his biceps around in an attempt at manliness. "Hey, if she wants it, she'll get it!" he chirps. Shane and Wai Lee chant in perfect unison, "All the way with Stephanie Kaye!" That was one effective campaign slogan.

Once the guys have left the bathroom, one of the cubicle doors opens, and out comes a very indignant-looking Arthur. ...Ouch.

Later, in class, Mr Raditch is in full monologue mode: "Of course, the biggest problem that you're going to have as young writers right now is…" Difficulty with spelling? Limited vocabularies? Lack of life experience? Inexperience with certain narrative and poetic techniques? "…your desire to use the word 'no' and 'not' in the same sentence."

Seriously? The biggest problem? Uh… ok, then.

As Raditch ponderously rumbles on about double negatives, Steph (who has a comb stuck at random in her hair again) is carefully crafting a note asking Wheels to come to her house at 7.30. She's made sure to dot all the "i"s with hearts. Guys love that. Once she's finished, she tries to get Wheels's attention so she can pass the note over to him, but he either can't hear her or is ignoring her. Eventually, she gets desperate, and chucks a big hardback book on the floor. Everyone stares at her. Raditch is in unusually benign form, and spares her the patented Stinkeye; unfortunately, she doesn't spare him her Flirting Grin. Once he's resumed lecturing, she bends down to get the book, and shoves the note into Wheels's hand while she's at it.

He reads it, and looks cautiously over at Steph. She gives him a toothy grin, just as Mr Raditch announces, "For your homework tonight, I'd like you to have a little bit of fun…" Steph and Wheels are way ahead of him.

Meanwhile, Shane unnecessarily leans over and tells Wai Lee that Wheels and Steph are totally gonna do it. Could they not have worked out a better seating plan for this scene, so Shane wasn't telling this to someone who already knew? It looks stupid! Anyway, Wai Lee whispers it to L.D., who grins and passes it on to Erika, who tells Heather. They're both way too surprised, considering Steph basically led them to expect this. I'm also disappointed that the message was actually undistorted throughout this process, and didn't degenerate into "purple monkey dishwasher" at any point.

After class, a tortured-looking Heather is going on about how agreeing to a date doesn't have to include going all the way; Erika tells her not to be such a prude (as she is contractually obliged to do once per episode). Heather insists she's not a prude, but Steph should cancel the whole date. Erika claims to have heard that if Steph cancels, Wheels won't see her any more, which I'm pretty sure she just made up. Heather is outraged. Steph rolls her eyes and drawls, "Sex is no big deal." When Heather freaks out some more, Steph elaborates: "I'm not a little kid any more. I'm fourteen." Yeah, Steph, that doesn't help.

Just then, her face freezes as Voula turns up. "Well, what do you know? It's the school sleaze. [Long pause] I mean president." It's pretty much the least elegant put-down ever, and the others just turn and walk off. "Nice, Voula," snaps Erika. And Erika and some random extra also have combs stuck in their hair, so I have to assume it's a fashion or something. It's a really crappy fashion. Voula looks crushed that nobody laughed at her Dorothy-Parker-grade wit.

In the hallway downstairs, Steph and the twins walk past Melanie and Kathleen. Kathleen launches into a trademark sanctimonious rant: "It's so disgusting – I can't believe the school president is being like this!" Well, being like this is what won her that election, so actually, it pretty much makes sense. "I don't know," says Melanie. "If she really loves him, there's nothing wrong with sex." Awww. But Kathleen has no time for such touchy-feely liberalism: "It's not sex that's wrong. It's sex before marriage." Melanie points out that lots of people do it, but Kathleen has an answer for everything. "That doesn't make it right. I'm saving myself for my husband." Melanie retorts, "What husband? Who'd be stupid enough to marry you?" …which is totally what we were all thinking. I love Melanie.

That evening, Wheels is walking along a beach with a balding, gap-toothed middle-aged man in jamjar glasses. "Uh, Dad," asks Wheels, "how old were you…when you…first…did it?" AAAAUGH. Just to ramp up the awkwardness factor, Wheels's dad decides to seek unnecessary clarification: "You want to know when I lost my virginity?" And I say again: AAAAUGH. "I was a lot older than you," says Old Man Wheels, and looking at him, I can well believe it. "Were you nervous?" asks Wheels. "I mean… how did you know what to do? I mean… exactly what to do?" And let's all say a brief prayer of thanksgiving for the internet, which has surely brought about a dramatic reduction in conversations like this.

Old Man Wheels is a bit alarmed at this turn of events, so he suggests they go sit on a bench so he can impart some adopted-fatherly wisdom. "Look, Derek," he begins, "sex isn't something you do just for fun." Wait, what? That's exactly what it is!

Now, Old Man Wheels is trying to dissuade Wheels from having sex, and the obvious thing to do would be to mention one of the clearly discernible major hazards: AIDS, which was of course terrifying everyone in the '80s, and unplanned pregnancy, which would be an obvious one to go for since Wheels is in fact the child of teen birth-parents. But instead, he mumbles something vague and meaningless about "complications" and "responsibilities" and how Wheels has "lots of good times" ahead of him before he's ready for sex, and Wheels looks pretty unconvinced by all this. Yeah, nice job, Old Man Wheels.

Meanwhile, Steph and Mama Kaye are sitting down to dinner. They are eating plates of some lumpy grey goo that looks like it came from one of the infamous Weight Watchers recipe cards. Seriously, words cannot describe how disgusting this stuff looks. As they start eating, Steph asks, "Mom, when was the first time you had… sex?" Mama Kaye drops all the grey goo off her fork in shock, and it lands on the plate with a loud splat. It's actually pretty funny.

Steph sees the look of utter horror on her mother's face, and tries to backtrack, but her mother reluctantly says that they should talk about "the facts of life". Steph hurriedly shuts down the conversation, though, insisting that she's not a little kid any more. She then takes a big drink of milk, and ends up with a milk moustache. It's not particularly funny.

The next morning, Joey comes up to Wheels in the hall and grabs him by the arm. "Tonight's the big night, eh? You and Steph all the way? You got protection?" Wheels gawks at him. "You need protection!" says Joey loudly. "You know, safes, rubbers, condoms, pro…phylac…tics?" Somebody's been at the thesaurus! Everyone's staring by this point, and Wheels is mortified, which was clearly Joey's plan. Voula sweeps out of the room in prudish rage.

Steph's in the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, applying blue eyeshadow with a trowel and wearing an "artfully" tattered top that was clearly intended to look either risqué or bohemian but actually makes her look like Wilma Flintstone. Voula tiptoes in and cuts to the chase: "Stephanie, you're not really going to… you know… are you?" Stephanie would be entirely justified in telling Voula to fuck off and mind her own business, but instead explains that she already messed up one date, and she wants Wheels to like her, so there you are. Which is kind of depressing. Voula insists that Steph doesn't have to do this, but Steph says, "Maybe I want to do it too!" Voula dramatically asks, "Do you?" and Steph looks briefly chastened. Voula turns to go, but stops to apologise for calling Stephanie a sleaze. Steph looks touched. Aw.

After school, Joey and Wheels are outside a suspiciously familiar-looking pharmacy. Joey is lecturing Wheels on how this is the '80s and "a guy's got responsibilities". Wheels tries to weasel out and says that he might not actually do the nasty with Steph after all, but Joey reminds him that "all the guys are counting on [him]" and he can't let them down. Uh, yeah, no pressure or anything. Joey drags Wheels into the shop, and I have to say, I love his approach here. Life has handed him lemons (in the form of Wheels dating and possibly sexing the girl he fancies), and he is making lemonade in spectacular fashion by publicly humiliating Wheels in a way that he can't legitimately be criticised for, as it's for Wheels's own good. Genius.

Inside the shop, a severe-looking old woman is browsing the aisles, just to add to Wheels's discomfort. The boys come in and go over to the condom section, or "safe city", as Joey loudly terms it. Wheels tries and fails to shush him. Joey asks Wheels what he wants – "we've got French Stallion, Ribbed Delight, your Industrial Strength" – wait, they make special condoms for hookers? And also, French Stallion?

Wheels is hesitant, so Joey decides to yell at the pharmacist for advice. And the pharmacist is, of course, Steph's mother. And you can see which way this episode is going. I don't care if this is an old joke; it's a funny one, and as a result this episode is one of the few Degrassi eps to be intentionally hilarious.

As Mama Kaye barrels over, Joey shoves a box of condoms into Wheels's hand and leaves. Wheels shamefacedly buys the condoms (to filthy looks from the old woman, and solemn disapproval from Steph's mom). Before he can escape, Steph's mom forces him to take two leaflets. One is called "Teen sex: how to say no" and one is called " Facts on foam and condoms". Bit of a mixed message there, don't you think? Once he's gone, the two women exchange looks of horror at the youth of today.

A little later, outside the Kaye house, Yick and Arthur are finalising their plans for a delightful evening of pornographic cinema. Yick's invited a bunch of the guys along. Arthur ponders the video box again. "I wonder what swamp sex robots do, exactly?" he muses. Yick says he doesn't know, but they'll find out tonight. At this prospect, they do another round of elaborate high-fives before going their separate ways. As Yick walks off, he does a sideways kick in midair, such is his excitement at finally getting to find out what it is that swamp sex robots do. Cute.

Arthur goes into his mother's house, and there's a needlessly protracted scene of him taking the video out of his schoolbag again, adjusting his socks, taking off his shoes, etc., and for some reason we can hear Steph filing her nails in the living room really loudly the whole time. It's like something out of a bad video installation.

Eventually he actually makes it into the living room, and when he sees Steph, hides the video behind his back. I have no idea why he's carrying it around this whole scene; it would have made much more sense to leave it in his bag. Anyway, he asks Steph what time she's going out this evening, and then awkwardly informs her that "people are saying stuff". We've talked about this before – this is not a useful piece of information! Yes, people generally do say stuff!

Steph knows what he's talking about, and snaps that it's her date and she'll do what she wants, and it's none of his business anyway. Arthur tells her that he's still her brother, and he doesn't like it when people badmouth her, and she tells him that she can take care of herself, in a voice that is either meant to be dismissive or morose, I'm not sure which.

Just then, their mother comes home. She nervously tells Arthur that she knows she hasn't seen him in a week, but she's got a date this evening, and she's going out at 7.30. Arthur's delighted that his mother is finally moving on and/or that she's getting out of the house so he and the lads can watch Swamp Sex Robots in peace. He goes off to call Yick and tells him to be there at 7.45.

Meanwhile, Stephanie has heard Arthur and their mother talking, and is slightly panicked at the fact that Mama Kaye's changed her plans and her date is now going to be arriving at the same time as Wheels. But, you know, not so panicked that she's actually moved to do anything about it.

Back at his house, Wheels perches on a windowledge (I think solely so that we can see he lives next to a highway and a train track, and marvel at the grittiness of this show) and reads the condom leaflet, discarding the abstinence one. Well, I guess it's realistic.

Later, at the dinner table, Mama Kaye casually asks, "So, what do you children have planned for this evening?" The silence is deafening. Eventually, Steph mumbles that she's going to see a movie with some friends and totally not have sex, and Arthur says that he's going to watch TV. Totally non-pornographic, non-robot-related TV.

Reluctantly, their mother starts in on a lecture, about how sometimes people come into her shop who are just around their age, and today a boy Steph's age came in. "I believe he's considering becoming sexually active," she announces. Both Arthur and Steph realise this conversation is about to take a really awkward turn and exchange looks of terror. Their mother gets up and produces a handful of leaflets. "Mother, give them to him," says Steph, in a tone that implies her brother is in urgent need of contraceptive advice; I have no idea why, as you can tell he's not going to get laid for at least another decade. Even Arthur knows this, and tries to reassure his mother: "Don't worry, Mom; I'm not sexually active." Bless.

Mama Kaye forces both kids to take the leaflets, and they both insist they're done eating and get up to clear the table, partly because they want to get their mother out of the house and partly because who wouldn't want to bring a family meal like that to a swift, merciful end? Their mother is mildly suspicious at their sudden zest for housework, but she's too distracted to think about it much, because she's got a date tonight and, well, it's been two years. I'm pretty sure Stephanie and Arthur aren't the only people with big plans for tonight, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of those plans, Wheels is leaving his house. "Have a good time," his dad calls. "And remember what I said!" Wheels doesn't seem to be planning to actually obey what his dad said, though, as he stops on the way out of his house to take out the condoms and stare at them. Next we see him visit a flower-seller and buy a big bunch of yellow chrysanthemums. Never let it be said that Wheels is not a gentleman.

In her bedroom, Steph is listening to some execrable '80s music and half-heartedly perusing the abstinence leaflet. After a second, though, she puts it down and gets on with her preparations for the evening. Just like Caitlin had that teddy bear in the last episode, Steph has some kind of creepy doll by her mirror, to underscore her youthfulness.

Steph's mother knocks at the door, and Steph has to keep her waiting for about ten minutes while she covers up her skankitude. This involves removing her own body weight in blue eyeshadow, un-backcombing her hair, taking off her earrings, and putting on a dressing gown to cover up the fact that she's wearing hot pink leggings, a tiny boob tube, and Ms Avery's diamante belt from the last episode. Way to go, wardrobe department! Eventually she opens the door to her mother, who's standing there with two different earrings, and wants to know which she should wear. "Either one would be fine! Really!" she flails, desperately trying to keep her dressing gown closed. Once her mother's gone, she shuts the door and commences re-skanking.

Downstairs, Arthur checks his watch and reads the back of the Swamp Sex Robots box for the 500th time. As his mother comes down the stairs, he tells her that her date is late, but she's not bothered. It's been two years; what's another ten minutes? Back in her room, Steph waits anxiously for Wheels, and decides to pass the time by applying some more makeup.

At that moment, Wheels strolls up to the gate with the easy grin of a man on a promise. Just then, a middle-aged dude with an incredibly boxy car pulls up in the driveway and gets out, clutching a similar but smaller bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums. The two eye each other up suspiciously. Here's a tip, guys: if you arrive to pick up your date, and for some reason there's a small, mulleted boy there with a better bunch of flowers than you, throw yours away. Seriously. Also, chrysanthemums always look like you bought them at a petrol station.

Inside the house, Arthur spots Wheels and thinks he's come to watch Swamp Sex Robots, though why he thinks Wheels would bring flowers to a porn viewing is kind of a mystery. He runs to answer the door. "What are you doing here?" asks Wheels in amazement. "Go away, you're too early!" hisses Arthur. Just then, his mother appears behind him. She and Wheels spot each other. You can almost hear him thinking, "Oh fuck."

"You're the boy from the drugstore. What are you doing here? What are those flowers for?" she asks. Arthur makes a last, valiant effort to salvage the situation: "He's very interested in horticulture." Mama Kaye is used to tuning out her son's nonsensical witterings, though, and just yells at Stephanie to come downstairs right this instant.

Stephanie, by this point, has put on so much eyeshadow and lipstick, and has such wild back-combed hair, that she looks like some kind of terrifying punk zombie. She tries to cover up, but her dressing gown comes open on the way downstairs, revealing a glimpse of Hideous Skankwear to the assembled group. Her increasingly irate mother tells Wheels to come into the house, along with her unfortunate date, who's silently watching all of this and presumably wondering what the hell he's let himself in for. As Arthur shuts the front door, he sadly intones one of this show's all-time classic lines: "Goodbye Swamp Sex Robots." Everyone else is too distracted to even notice this.

Mama Kaye walks over and opens Steph's dressing gown, revealing her outfit in all its skimpy inglory. "I don't know what the two of you had planned," she announces. "But since you [Wheels] bought what you bought, and you [Steph] look like a tramp, I intend to find out." Ha! Really, I think it's pretty spectacularly clear what they had planned. Nonetheless, Mama Kaye cancels her date (aw, nobody in the Kaye household is getting laid tonight) and marches Steph and Wheels into the living room for a Serious Talk. Wheels is still cradling his bunch of flowers.

Just then, there's a knock on the door, and Arthur rushes to answer it. It's Yick, Alex, and an extra. "We wanna see the porno! Swamp Sex Robots!" they yell. In the living room, the others listen to this in open-mouthed befuddlement. Arthur hastily slams the front door. Heh.

Next morning, Steph is walking to school with Voula, complaining about how angry her mother got. Voula, who's apparently decided to forgive Steph at last, listens patiently. "I'm grounded for two weeks," whines Steph. "I can't even go over to your house." "Ouch," says Voula, not even a little bit sarcastically. But it's not all bad, says Steph: "At least I didn't have to do anything with Wheels."

And here's that selfsame stud now! Joey's spotted him, and is keen to know how the date went. All Wheels will say is "Nothing happened… Steph's and my dates don't work out too good." Which is the understatement of the century. Joey asks if they're going to go out again, and Wheels says no. Joey, ever the sensitive friend, immediately asks if that means Steph's available, and Wheels says it does. And the cycle of leching can continue.

"Stephanie," asks Voula, "you weren't really going to do anything… were you?" Not that it's any of her business, or anything. Steph starts to shake her head, and the credits roll.

Dubious lessons of the week: The pros and cons of teen sex are vague and ill-defined and need never be considered in any detail, but we can be sure of one thing: if you're planning some sex, try to buy your contraceptives from someone other than your date's mother. That rarely turns out well.

S01 E06 – Rumor Has It

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:45:00 +0000

We start with a closeup of some flowers. Flowers, incidentally, are often used as a symbol for female sexuality, and I'm just throwing that out there. I think they're trying to be highbrow. The camera pans out, and we're in Ms Avery's classroom. She's pacing at the front of the (flower-filled) room. Her very long hair is loose and flowing. "Throughout history," she feminists, "a lot of our heroines have been lost or left unrecorded, due largely to the fact that most historians are men." She's speaking in a bizarrely low, seductive voice.

The kids are sitting in semi-darkness, and everyone's wearing matching bluey-grey shirts, except for Caitlin, who's wearing bright orange. She leans over and tells an uninterested Susie, "Ms Avery's the best teacher I've ever had. She makes stuff so interesting." Well, when you do all your teaching in that voice, it's bound to spice things up a little.

Ms Avery is still monologuing sexily about "…Amelia Earhart, Madame Curie, Mary Queen of Scots…" Wait, Mary Queen of Scots? I don't really know that being imprisoned for, like, forever, and then getting beheaded, makes you a good feminist role model. Anyway, Ms Avery suddenly turns to Caitlin and asks her to come to the front of the class. Caitlin eagerly goes up to the front, and Ms Avery sits down and puts her arm around Caitlin's waist. "That essay you wrote on native peoples was just excellent," she purrs. "You're the best student I ever had." Mid-praise, she stares briefly at Caitlin's chest.

"Miss Avery's gay, you know," announces Kathleen, who's way too conservative to ever use the word "Ms", even in other people's dreams. "She's a lesbian." "Never mind what they say – we don't care what they think," says Ms Avery. And checks out Caitlin's chest again. She continues to stare lovingly up at Caitlin, but Caitlin's staring at the rest of the class, who are all whispering things like "Ms Avery's gay. She's a lesbian. I heard the rumours." Ominous music builds to a crescendo and…

Cut to Caitlin in bed at night, waking in a sweaty panic from the most bizarre left-wing erotic dream ever.

And the opening credits provide us with a nice little break in which to recover partially from that bit of insanity.

Morning outside the school. Caitlin and Susie are planning a sleepover which, thrillingly, will not be supervised by Caitlin's parents but only by her brother, "Patrick". Jeez, we get it already. They're Irish. But I'm guessing second-generation, as a bona-fide immigrant parent like Voula's dad would never allow something so debauched as a four-girl sleepover to take place under his roof. Rick goes by on his bike and says hello to Caitlin, who says hi back. Susie teases her for having a crush on him (conveniently forgetting her role in the egregious making-Rick-smile plot from two episodes ago). They go into the building, passing Kathleen and her new BFF, the beret-wearing beatnik feminist from Episode 1, who's apparently called Annie. This is obviously a friendship that's doomed to fail.

Ms Avery is just getting out of a car driven by some sunglasses-wearing woman, as the girls watch. "I wonder if it's true that Miss Avery's a lesbian," says Kathleen conversationally. "Come on, that's just a rumour!" says Annie. Kathleen has conclusive proof, though: "I've never seen her with any men." Yeah, case closed.

We get a brief look at Ms Avery's carpool buddy, who is the only person in this entire series who's in any way glamorous. I mean, by the standards of the time. Which isn't saying much. But she has big sunglasses and big earrings and a power-dresser's hairdo. Ms Avery goes past Kathleen and Annie and gives them a friendly hello, but Kathleen just gives her an icy grin, like she doesn't waste her valuable friendship on people who might or might not be gay. In which case, gay is the way to go.

In the darkroom, Susie and Caitlin are doing whatever it is you do in darkrooms. "I've been having some really strange dreams lately," says Caitlin to break the ice. Susie's response is perhaps less than helpful: "Dreams are supposed to be very significant. Supposed to reveal your inner desires and stuff." Caitlin looks terrified. Susie asks to hear about these dreams, "as long as they're not too dirty". How about batshit insane and full of half-assed surrealistic touches? And touching?

Caitlin's being cagey, so Susie pulls a convenient photo of a smiling, post-rescue-by-a-starfish-headed-social-worker Rick, and posits that Caitlin's been dreaming about him. When Caitlin says no, Susie tells her that she doesn't have to be scared of boys. It's impossible to overstate the extent to which this is not the issue... Luckily, the situation is defused when Susie suggests inviting boys to the sleepover, Caitlin points out that Kathleen would freak out, and they bond by mocking Kathleen and her sexual inhibitions. Good times.

Later, Arthur and Yick are giving a presentation on burglar-proofing or Neighbourhood Watch or something. They're using an overhead projector. Ha! Yick accidentally puts one of the transparencies (I actually had to look the word up) on the projector backwards and upside down. Hilarious! Yick inwardly resolves to invent Powerpoint so nobody will ever have to suffer this kind of shame again. Everyone giggles, even Ms Avery because she's a man-hating lesbian liberal who loves seeing boys fail. And speaking of being a liberal, she's wearing yet more Native American beadwork (in red, white and blue, which seems like a bit of Canada-betrayal, but it's not for me to judge).

After the terrible presentation has ground to a halt, Ms Avery thanks the guys and announces that next week Susie and Caitlin will be giving a photo presentation on everyday life at Degrassi, in order to provide an excuse for all the photography and awkward darkroom shenanigans in this episode.

Just then, the bell goes, and everyone gets up to leave. A lot of kids have questions for Ms Avery, and we see her chatting to them, and putting her hands on their shoulders in a conversational way. Meanwhile, Caitlin, Susie, Kathleen and Annie get together to squee about the upcoming sleepover. Annie's excited that they get to talk about boys all night; Kathleen, whose knee-jerk response to anything anyone says is to judge, calls her a pervert. Annie, blithely unaware of the anvilicious irony of her words, insists, "It's perfectly normal to think about boys! What else is there to think about?" Wow, her feminist phase didn't last very long, did it?

Just as the girls go to leave the room, Ms Avery calls back Caitlin and Susie to ask how their photos are coming along. And then she puts her hand on Caitlin's shoulder (not noticing Caitlin's look of terror) and says the words that we all know are code for lesbian lusting: "That essay you wrote on native peoples was just excellent." Caitlin is understandably perturbed that her bizarre sexy dream is coming true; Susie, unhelpful as always, captures the moment on camera.

Mr Raditch breaks up this love-in by asking to speak to Ms Avery, and she runs out to talk to him. Caitlin looks mightily freaked out, maybe because of the weird music playing in the background; it sounds like it was recycled from a '70s movie about Chinese gangsters. As she walks away past Raditch and Avery, we hear him say, "Did you hear what the rumour mill says about [something something something]?' Oh hey, I wonder if the theme of this episode might be rumours?

Annie is watching the teachers from a distance, and says (way too loudly), "Wouldn't it be romaaaantic if they were having an affair?" Kathleen reminds her that "Lezzies aren't interested in men".

At this point, Melanie butts in: "Who says she's a lesbian?" Kathleen reiterates the "never seen her with any men" line of conclusive gay proof, but Annie points out that Ms Avery is looking pretty enthralled at whatever (presumably moustache-related) anecdote Mr Raditch is regaling her with. But Kathleen is refusing to let this go, and insists that the teachers are just friends because they work together, and only an idiot would concoct rumours about someone based on such flimsy evidence, Annie. And since Mr Raditch and Ms Avery are the only teachers in this school apart from the rarely-glimpsed PE teacher, you can't really blame them for forming a close bond.

"What's wrong with being homosexual anyway?" asks Melanie, and I think it says a lot about the other characters that Melanie – who I love, but who is tremendously daft – is the voice of reason here. The girls just giggle, presumably because she said "sex". "Are you a lezzie too?" asks the ever-sensitive Kathleen. "No," says Melanie, "but I'm not prejudiced either." The others roll their eyes at her liberal ways, and go off somewhere else to be homophobic in peace.

Meanwhile, in the subplot, Yick opens his locker and a giant cascade of papers falls out. I thought he promised Mr Raditch he'd try not to be so disorganised? Does this backsliding mean Mr Raditch can bully him again? Arthur is rambling about how doing the project on Neighbourhood Watch was very "stimulating", and I wish he'd stop using that word. He announces his intention to become some kind of crimefighter, while Yick rummages through the mountains of crap in his locker with mounting panic. Yick starts freaking out because he had $20 in his locker and now it's gone. Arthur decides that there's a thief in the school.

Just then, the background music gets real ominous, and Rick walks by in all his working-class glory. The boys give him a filthy look. Jeez, is it Prejudice Week at Degrassi Junior High?

Some time later, Caitlin's thrillingly semi-unsupervised sleepover is in progress. The girls are laughing hysterically for no reason, as teenage girls are wont to do. Annie's making a prank call to Mr Raditch's house – but the phone is answered by "some lady". The girls wig out over the idea of Raditch having a girlfriend, and Caitlin suggests that he could be married. Kathleen says that he doesn't wear a ring, and she knows because she checked, which brings up the ghastly spectre of Kathleen having a crush on him. Caitlin points out that lots of married people don't wear rings, and for some reason she sounds really offended by what Kathleen said.

Before this can degenerate into fisticuffs, they're interrupted by Annie talking on the phone. For some reason, she seems to be trying to fake a man's voice. (The prank call, for what it's worth, consists of "Hello, is this Mr Raditch on the line? Then you'd better get off, there's a train coming!" This sends the girls into New-Zealand-Zapper-grade shrieks of hilarity.)

Next it's Caitlin's turn. She draws a name out of a policeman's hat for some reason, and I wonder who else was in there, because, as previously mentioned, there are only three teachers at Degrassi. Believe it or not, Caitlin's drawn Ms Avery, and she gets all uncomfortable at the idea of prank-calling her. But Kathleen goads her into it by accusing her of being Ms Avery's pet. Stirrer.

While Caitlin dials, Annie comments on her still sleeping with a teddy bear, and Caitlin lies and says she doesn't sleep with him, she just doesn't want to throw him away. I'm not sure what the point of this bit of dialogue actually is. Her whole bedroom décor is pretty childish, which I guess is meant to underscore the tension inherent in her troubling sexual awakening and impending irritating political activism. Or I might be overthinking this a little.

Anyway, Caitlin gets through, and asks for Ms Avery, but she's not home. Yet more giggling. Susie asks who answered the phone, and Caitlin says it was "some lady". Wow, some lady sure gets around! Kathleen immediately decides that "some lady" is in fact Ms Avery's "lover", and I'm very surprised at her use of such romantic terminology, rather than "hell-bound partner in sin" or suchlike. Caitlin gets pissed off and insists that Ms Avery isn't a lesbian, but Kathleen runs through the evidence again: "She's not married, and she's always with that woman." What a fine investigative mind.

Caitlin insists they're just friends, and Kathleen drops the bombshell that she saw Ms Avery and her buddy holding hands on "King Street" (which does exist; perfunctory consultation of Wikipedia gives no mention of a thriving lesbian scene, but reveals that King Street is known for swanky restaurants and luxury furniture. Your fact for the day). Also, they were "talking in each other's ears", which seems like the most appropriate place to talk into, and I don't know why Kathleen finds it so hilarious. Caitlin looks unutterably disgusted.

Monday morning. Kathleen and Annie are having a (presumably homophobic) confab in front of the school. Ms Avery and her glam gal pal pull up at the kerb, and Ms Avery gives her friend a kiss on the cheek before getting out. Kathleen and Annie gape in astonishment as Ms Avery walks by, all lesbian-like. Kathleen whispers, "That must have been her girlfriend!"

Did somebody say "subplot"? Arthur's sourced a huge magnifying glass and a tin of fingerprint powder. Bah – my sources say you can just use talcum powder, and my sources are infallible! Yick is dusting the powder all over his locker with what looks like a big makeup brush; the door is covered in handprints. Yick points out that this is no use if they don't know who the fingerprints belong to. Arthur decides that they need to find a "prime suspect" to scapegoat, and that they should look for someone behaving unusually.

Right on cue, Rick walks in with a big paper bag, and in the background we hear him offering liquorice to randomers and explaining that he won a hundred dollars in the lottery. And I'll just give you a minute to digest the awesomeness of this guy: despite his poverty-strickenness, he blew his winnings on enough liquorice for the whole school. He's adorable.

In Ms Avery's classroom, Kathleen and Annie are still freaking out over the Great Lesbian Kiss. "It was disgusting!" says Kathleen. "They almost kissed on the lips and everything!" hisses Annie. Melanie is unimpressed.

Rick walks in and gives liquorice to Caitlin and Susie (though mostly to Caitlin), and it seems that living with your biker brother can cure all ills: his skin's cleared up a treat since he got away from his Bad Dad. Caitlin and Susie squee over his awesomeness. They're both wearing pretty bad outfits, by the way: Caitlin's got a sleeveless sweatshirt with a zebra print in shades of green, and Susie's wearing a sweatshirt with a giant houndstooth print, and suspenders over that. It's made of wrong.

Kathleen calls the girls over to tell them about "the Kiss", even though Melanie insists it was just a "pack", by which I think she means "peck", and maintains that "lots of women do that". But Kathleen and Annie are way too caught up in this lesbian witch-hunt to listen to reason. Caitlin says that the others will look stupid when it turns out Ms Avery has a boyfriend, which Kathleen points out she has no evidence for, but Caitlin's all, "Absence of evidence is no evidence of absence, bitch" and Kathleen gives her a filthy look.

Just then, everyone's favourite lesbian liberal walks in, and everyone sits down at their desks. Kathleen then puts up her hand and asks "Miss" Avery if she has a boyfriend. Ms Avery gives her a funny look for a second, and replies, "Hundreds. But I don't know what business that is of yours." OMG Ms Avery's a skank! She admitted it! Everybody laughs, but the Lesbian Investigation Committee knows they've been fobbed off, and for various reasons, none of them is amused.

Just as Ms Avery is about to start the class, Rick goes up and gives her some liquorice. Awwww. As he returns to his seat, Yick and Arthur give him suspicious looks.

After class, Rick's getting stuff out of his locker while Yick and Arthur besmirch his character a short distance away. Arthur's idea of proof is "Nobody wins only a hundred bucks!" He should go into business with Kathleen. There's also some discussion of a rumour that Rick previously got caught shoplifting various items up to and including a radio, and Arthur decides that they're "dealing with a criminal". In the midst of this, Rick realises he's being watched, but does his best to ignore it.

Later, in the darkroom, Susie is developing the photo of Ms Avery with her hand on Caitlin's shoulder. A propos of nothing, she muses, "I wonder what lezzies do exactly, if they really kiss? Like on the lips and everything? Yuck." Oh dear. Caitlin snaps that she doesn't know why everyone's decided Ms Avery's a lesbian, and how would Susie like it if people started saying stuff about her? Susie gets a bit weirded out, but doesn't know when to quit, and points out that Ms Avery "sure does like to touch people", brandishing the photo as evidence.

Caitlin gets increasingly annoyed, and Susie says, "You're acting weird about this. It's not as if they're saying you're a lezzie. Right?" Yes, because witch-hunts are fine and dandy as long as you're not the direct target. Caitlin looks profoundly uncomfortable. "Right," she mutters. Closeup on the photo, wavering menacingly in the dish of chemicals.

Aaand, we have another dream sequence! Everyone's back in the flower-filled classroom, zombieishly turning the pages of their textbooks in perfect unison. The room is in semi-darkness except for a spotlight on Caitlin. Again, Ms Avery calls Caitlin up to the front, and puts her arm around her (and a hand on her stomach), and seductively praises her essay on native peoples. Aw, we didn't get another discussion of questionable feminist role models?

But this time, Kathleen announces, "Caitlin's gay, you know. She's a lesbian." The class starts to get worked up, repeating, "She's gay! She's a lesbian! She's a homosexual!" We get creepy close-ups of the kids' mouths talking. After a minute, everyone starts pointing and chanting in unison: "LESBIAN! LESBIAN! LESBIAN!" Caitlin not very strenuously denies this. Eventually, she wakes up. Commercial break.

The following morning, Caitlin and Susie are arriving at school just as Ms Avery pulls up with her mysterious lady friend. They kiss on the cheek again, and both girls look profoundly uncomfortable, but are at least classy enough not to freak out like Kathleen and Annie did. Ms Avery gets out of the car and calls to Caitlin, and Susie (not wanting to catch the gay) instantly pulls a disappearing act. Ms Avery puts her arm around Caitlin's shoulder, and gives her an article from yesterday's paper about native peoples, and mentions that she's ordered a library book for her on the subject. Meanwhile, Kathleeen and Annie are watching them talk, and they look pretty damn scandalised. Annie's wearing a metallic waistcoat and a bizarre little shiny blue hat that is somewhere between sailor and air hostess in style. She should probably stick with the berets.

Meanwhile, in the hallways, Yick and Arthur are spying on Rick. Yick wonders if Rick will steal again, but Arthur insists, "Once a criminal, always a criminal," which seems pretty hardline. Yet again, Rick notices he's being watched.

In the classroom, Kathleen and Annie are busy fomenting. Susie is sceptical about Caitlin being a lesbian, but Kathleen and Annie provide yet another list of conclusive proof: she always hangs around Ms Avery, they're "always touching each other", Caitlin is embarrassed about getting changed in gym and hides behind a towel – wait, what? That makes no fucking sense! What the hell? Also, Caitlin has been acting "strange" since they "figured out" about Ms Avery, and is always "defending" her. At this point Melanie leans over and asks, "What difference does it make anyway, even if she is a lesbian?" Oh, Melanie, you and your sensible modern ways have no place in this increasingly hysterical discussion. Susie freaks out and yells, "She's not a lesbian, she's my friend!" …oh dear. Melanie can see she's not getting anywhere, and gives up.

"All I know is, I wouldn't want to hang around with her in a darkroom if I were you," says Kathleen to Susie. "She might try to do something." Oh no, not something! "And don't blame us when people start talking about you, too." Yep, you'll be gay by association. Just then, Caitlin walks in and sits down, and Susie stares at her in fear, like she might try to do something then and there.

After class, Rick's still giving out liquorice, because he's awesome, and Yick and Arthur are still tailing him. Susie is trying to get away from Caitlin and says they don't need to work in the darkroom today. But since she's really bad at fabricating excuses, she fails in her attempt to weasel out of it.

Distributing liquorice as he goes, Rick goes into the boys' bathroom, still followed by Arthur and Yick. Meanwhile, there's an announcement on the PA to say that "Notices and posters must first be cleared with the principal's office. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule, including the 'No posters here notice' and the 'No notices to be posted here' poster". This show is messed up.

Rick goes to a urinal and starts peeing, but after a minute notices Arthur and Yick staring at him. They duck into two cubicles, but in a second Rick looks over his shoulder and sees them watching him over the tops of the doors. Lucky Kathleen isn't here, or she'd start a whole new round of rumours. Rick just finishes at the urinal, then tosses each guy a piece of liquorice over the cubicle door. It'd be a slightly more awesome gesture if he'd washed his hands first.

Later, in the darkroom, Susie's uttering a stream of nervous chatter about how great the photos are, and Degrassi is really interesting, and her parents nearly sent her to private school but didn't because it was too expensive, and these sure are great pictures, and please don't do something! Caitlin eventually asks her what's going on, and Susie insists she's just excited about the pictures, which, by the way, are not exciting.

Just then, Caitlin leans over to hang up a picture, and Susie jumps back with a loud gasp. Caitlin asks what's wrong, and Susie asks, "You're not a lesbian, are you? Some people say you are, and I say you're not. You're not, are you?" It's pretty clear that there's only one acceptable answer here, and after a second Caitlin storms off, leaving the door open behind her. Which I assume would destroy all the photos, right? Trust me, it's not a great loss.

That night, Caitlin's in bed with her teddy bear (liar! liar!), and because the writers couldn't think of any better way to communicate her inner turmoil, she monologues at him. "What do I do? I can't help those dreams. Supposing I am a lesbian, does that mean I won't have any friends? Will everyone talk and whisper behind my back?" Well, Kathleen will, but she'll find an excuse to do that about pretty much everyone. "Will they all hate me? Even Susie? I really like Ms Avery. Is that wrong? I just don't want to be different." The teddy bear, alas, has no words of comfort. And the ominous high-pitched synth music is distinctly non-comforting as well.

Next morning in class, Caitlin looks tortured. The scary music is still going on, as Ms Avery goes around the room handing out essays and putting her hands on everyone's shoulders. She really does like to touch people. She also seems to like wearing ankle-length baby-blue shirtdresses at least two sizes too big for her, cinched with pink diamante belts, but whatever. When she gets to Caitlin, though, Caitlin flinches back and snaps, "Don't touch me." Awkward. Kathleen gives her a poisonous glare, because there is simply no pleasing Kathleen, and she seems even more disgusted by Caitlin's rebuffing of Ms Avery than she was by her alleged lesbianism. Ms Avery collects herself, and goes back to her desk without giving anyone else their essay.

Conveniently, the bell goes, and Ms Avery immediately asks Caitlin to stay behind. I'm not a teacher or anything, but I'm guessing that if a pupil recoils in terror at your touch, insisting they stay alone in your classroom with you after class is not exactly best practice. Caitlin looks miserable. As the rest of the class leaves, Kathleen whispers to Annie, "I told you she was a lesbian!" Yick and Arthur are tailing Rick again, and Rick's starting to look pretty pissed off.

Once everyone else is gone, Ms Avery shuts the door and asks Caitlin what's going on. In a breathy whisper. She then sits up on one of the desks, and in doing so thrusts her hips forward in a way that… really looks like she's trying to be seductive. But I'm pretty sure it's just clumsy direction. Caitlin gives the most non-specific answer possible: "People are saying stuff." You… you don't say, Caitlin.

Eventually, Caitlin specifies that the "stuff" consists of rumours that Ms Avery's a lesbian, and Ms Avery is like, "Huh." Caitlin then runs through the oh-so-conclusive catalogue of gay proof: "You're not married. You're always with that woman. My friend said she saw you holding hands on King Street. I saw you kiss her." Ms Avery counters with: "So, all single people are gay? We live together because it's cheaper. Your friend has a very vivid imagination. I kiss most of my women friends." Which could all be taken to mean that Ms Avery is a sarcastic, thrifty, promiscuous lesbian, but Caitlin is apparently less cynical than I am.

Hey, I'm sure you're all dying to know how Arthur and Yick are getting on! No? Too bad. They're hiding out at the bottom of the stairwell, and when Rick goes up the stairs they try to sneak after him. But he immediately turns around, and grabs them by the collars. They are too scared and/or geeky to struggle. Rick demands an explanation for the whole stalking thing, and the others hesitantly, nervously accuse him of theft. Rick calls them crazy, and Yick breaks out his own line of conclusive proof: "Right after the money disappeared, you bought a new T-shirt and a ton of liquorice." Which is really the stupidest evidence ever offered for anything.

Arthur also mentions all the rumours about Rick, but just as Rick is berating them for believing everything they hear, and they're almost at risk of learning a worthwhile lesson, Mr Raditch appears in his Undercover Agent in Panama Suit. He clears his throat menacingly, and Rick lets go of the others. Raditch paces past them, delivering a hearty dose of Raditch Stinkeye all round, and the moment is over. But Rick still orders the guys never to stalk him again, which is an entirely legitimate demand.

Caitlin and Ms Avery are leaving the classroom (which is apparently the geography room, although all Ms Avery seems to teach is liberal values and flower-arranging). "Any other rumours?" asks Ms Avery. "They say I'm gay too," says Caitlin casually. "I've been having dreams that… aren't quite normal?" I think it's probably for the best that she doesn't go into detail about the low-budget surrealism and liberal bias in these dreams. Ms Avery lectures her about how sexual dreams are normal, blah blah blah, and the upshot is, Caitlin totally isn't a lesbian. Phew!

Back at Yick's Disorganized Locker of Disorganizedness, Yick is grudgingly suggesting that maybe Rick isn't a total shameless criminal mastermind. "But he's our only suspect!" protests Arthur, who has a bright future in some very corrupt police force. As Arthur continues his litany of reasons why they should send Rick down for this ("we're out of fingerprint powder" being chief among them), Yick digs through the pile of locker crap… and finds the missing money. "You broomhead!" yells an increasingly volatile Arthur. "You almost got me killed!" The boys start throttling each other, and walk out the door still arguing, and also leaving Yick's locker wide open.

So they clearly learned nothing whatsoever here, neither about not listening to rumours nor about looking after one's property. But then, learning nothing whatsoever is kind of a theme in this show.

Caitlin and Ms Avery walk out the school door, and see Mr Raditch waiting in his car. He honks and waves at Ms Avery. "Mr Raditch?" squees Caitlin. Ms Avery, oddly, is not that interested in discussing her possible alleged potential love-life with some random kid who's already asked more than enough personal questions for one day, even if said kid does write excellent essays on native peoples.

Caitlin takes the fobbing-off pretty well, and then announces, "I think you're a really good teacher, and I'm sorry I thought you were gay." Ms Avery says, "There's nothing to be sorry for. Besides, would it make any difference if I were? Would you think less of me?"

Caitlin ponders for a bit, then shakes her head, and the credits roll.

And Ms Avery's glam housemate? Is listed in the credits as "girlfriend". So I think we have an answer on that front.

So, we all learned a lot in this episode. Let's run through the main points, shall we?

Dubious lessons of the week: If you think you might be gay, don't be upset! You're actually straight, and so is everyone you know. Or so they'll tell you. On the other hand, if you're a homophobic bully, congratulations! This is not a stance you'll ever be expected to question seriously. Meanwhile, if you're considering a career in law enforcement, try not to pin all crimes on the nearest working-class person for lack of another suspect: some of these people are muscular, and can beat you up, so make sure you pick on the skinny ones.

Where would we be without Degrassi to teach us these things?

LJ syndication

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:56:00 +0000

Just a quick note to say I've created a Degrassi Digest feed for Livejournal; it's available here.

S01 E05 – The Great Race

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:55:00 +0000

The girls' locker room. On the PA, Mr Lawrence expositions that sports are "a big part of life" at Degrassi Junior High. Melanie's in her school swimsuit, staring at her own chest in the mirror. L.D. is watching and getting creeped out. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"Checking!" says Melanie brightly. "Checking?" asks L.D., who knows where this conversation is going and doesn't want to go there. And who could blame her?

"My mom won't let me get a bra. Which is really unfair, 'cause I need one. Don't you think?" asks Melanie. L.D. looks kind of panicked and mumbles something ineffective, but when Melanie gets mad, L.D. reluctantly agrees with her. "It's obvious!" insists Melanie. "I don't know what's wrong with my mom. Maybe she needs glasses or something?" L.D. politely resists the urge to point out that if your boobs can't be seen without glasses, they may not be all that big. The swimming coach comes in and calls the girls out. L.D. has to drag Melanie away from her fascinated contemplation of her own breasts. Opening credits.

So, there's a swimming pool, and people are swimming in it. People in swimming caps and goggles give me the creeps – they look like aliens. Anyway, Melanie is a fast swimmer, and they win because of her. This is Important to the Plot. Everyone jumps into the pool to celebrate. High-fives ensue.

Later, everyone's leaving Mr Raditch's classroom. Joey comes up to Steph, and breaks out a line he's obviously been working on all day: "Hey Stephanie, did you know I got an A+ in sex education last year? So if there's anything you want to know, Joey P. Jeremiah – P for Playboy – at your service." Thank GOD the P is for Playboy (and I'm pretty sure the uppercase P is appropriate here, as I think Joey has more experience of tacky "men's magazines" than of actual playboyism). Steph inexplicably continues to be entertained by Joey's flirting, and even feigns interest in the cutouts of "hot" '80s chicks and motorbikes pasted inside his locker. I never thought I'd say this, but Stephanie Kaye is aiming too low here.

L.D. runs up and tells Steph that the girls won their swimming race and are in the city finals of something unspecified. "Great," says Steph, with a spectacularly insincere toothy smile. L.D asks her to make an announcement about it, but Steph tells her that school presidents don't announce sports and to go see someone called Jason Cox. As so often happens to characters on this show, L.D. doesn't seem to realise she's being snubbed, and runs off to find Jason.

Close-up on the inside of Arthur's locker. We see a clumsily hand-drawn height chart with Arthur and Yick's heights marked. Arthur's replaced his owl poster with some horrifying photo of a sort of mummified face with lots of plaster of Paris melting off it, like if you were delirious from malaria and then took acid, you might have hallucinations of this sort of thing. There's also a really disturbing artist's reconstruction of a buck-toothed teenage Neanderthal, a poster of a slug, and another one called "Insects on Parade".

Yick and Arthur take turns standing up against the height chart, and both are pissed off to discover that they're still short, just like yesterday. They rail against cruel Fate for a bit, and just as they're going to leave, Snake (who's at least 6 feet tall) walks by. They both watch him like he is a man-god, come to earth just to make them look even shorter by comparison.

Melanie's getting books out of her locker when Snake the Man-God appears and goes to his locker, which is a couple feet away. Melanie blatantly ogles him, until he looks over at her and she turns away hastily. Scene from the credits! Snake totally noticed, though, and gives her an "Awww, cute" kind of smile. Which is not actually that encouraging, from her point of view.

Meanwhile, Mr Lawrence is on the PA again, and announces that the music club is looking for new members, and "new tuba players would be especially appreciated". Seriously, this is the weirdest running joke ever.

L.D comes over and teases Melanie about liking Snake. Melanie denies it unconvincingly. Random girls appear and congratulate them about the swimming thing. Did you know the girls are good at swimming? Pay attention.

A kid runs up to Doris the Secretary's desk, and he's got a football under his arm so you know he's Jason Cox, the sports guy Stephanie mentioned earlier. He tells Doris he needs to make an announcement on the PA. "Ok, just keep it brief. I've got a date!" says Doris, sounding all excited and squeeish. Awww. While Doris anxiously touches up her makeup (hee!), Jason announces that the boys have a soccer match that afternoon, and everyone should turn up to support them. No mention of the girls' swimming team. L.D. and Melanie hear him, and are filled with righteous feminist rage.

Outside the school, Arthur and Yick hide behind their stalking tree and spy on Snake. "How come he gets to be tall?" asks Yick resentfully. "I'm not sure," says Arthur, "but I read somewhere that you are what you eat. Maybe we should find out what he eats." Arthur needs to find some better reading material.

The boys are getting on with the important manly business of kicking a soccer ball at random, while some girls (who know their place) practice cheerleading. L.D. and Melanie march up to Jason and demand to talk to him. L.D. asks why he didn't make an announcement about the swimming team, and Jason says he didn't have time. L.D. correctly points out that this is a stupid excuse.

"Ladies, ladies," Jason begins. And nothing good ever started with that. "People don't care about girls' sports. Girls aren't good athletes." Smug nods from the soccer team. Indignation from L.D. and Melanie (and a collection of girls who've appeared out of nowhere). "Don't get mad at me," says Jason. "It's human nature, right?" "Ya, right on!" say the boys.

L.D. points out that the girls are actually good at swimming, while the boys lose all their matches. Jason has an answer: "We're unlucky, that's all. Anyway, soccer's tough. If you win, big deal. If we were swimming against a bunch of girls, we'd win too." The man knows how to work a crowd.

L.D. challenges the boys' soccer team to a swimming race against the girls. Jason looks around at the rest of his team. The other guys look nauseous, cough and stare at their shoes. "Ok!" says Jason. "We'll be there!" His undoubted talents obviously don't include reading body language. The boys then hurry off and get into a minivan, presumably to go to their doomed soccer game. Jason actually grabs the cheerleaders by the arms and shepherds them in too. What a gent.

Snake's been watching the whole argument, and now exchanges goofy grins with Melanie before cycling off.

The next scene opens with some tremendously blatant product placement: a very tight close-up of two McDonald's milkshakes being slurped tantalisingly (it's that old packaging where everything had rows of M's in regulation '80s shades of brown and yellow, which makes me feel both nostalgic and hungry). The camera pulls out to reveal that the delicious, delicious milkshakes are being drunk by L.D. and Melanie.

"What a sexist!" whines L.D. "He's just like my brothers. They think just because I'm a girl, I'm a second-class person. Well, we'll show Jason, right?" Melanie is entirely not listening, and wonders out loud if Snake just sees her as a kid "But who could blame him? It's my mum's fault. She thinks I'm still a little kid! I'm nearly a teenager. A passionate teenager whose dumb mom won't let her buy a bra."

L.D. listens open-mouthed to this baffling monologue, then stands up and drags Melanie down the road, announcing that they're going to go buy a bra. Off they go, with Melanie making shrieky noises of protest, watched by passerby Nancy, who seems to exist for the sole purpose of rolling her eyes at the crazy antics of the main characters.

More product placement! Closeup of a shiny Wonderbra sign in a department store, which lists (in French and English!) the range of bra types made by Wonderbra. We will also see large numbers of clearly branded Wonderbras on the shelves and a poster for something called the "Wonderbra support system". Wonderbra Wonderbra Wonderbra. This is shameless. On the other hand, the bras the girls look at are all horrible things so big they could qualify as nightdresses, and the underwear models on the posters are all suicidal-looking middle-aged bottle blondes, so this may not have actually done much for Wonderbra sales.

"I can't do this!" giggles Melanie. "Of course you can! Don't be so chicken!" L.D. tells her. Melanie utters yet another timeless nonsensical Melanie speech: "I am not chicken! Well, maybe a little bit, but not a lot, though, sort of like a chicken wing, without the legs, or breasts…" "Ha ha! Breasts!" says L.D., and they collapse (almost literally) into giggles. Hilarious.

"What'll I tell my mom?" asks Melanie. "She doesn't have to know," says L.D. "You can change at school like Stephanie!" "Oh, like Stephanie," says Melanie, in a valiant attempt at withering sarcasm. She clearly realises that taking Stephanie as a role model in any area of life is a recipe for disaster. Smart kid.

L.D. shoves a huge bra at Melanie, who looks terrified, and then takes another one and sticks it over Melanie's eyes like a blindfold, which is pretty weird, really, and Melanie looks like she doesn't know whether to be amused or to run screaming and just avoid the whole bra issue by getting a sex change.

Before Melanie can make any life-changing decisions, though, an old and for some reason English shop assistant whooshes up and asks if she can help them. "She wants to buy a bra," explains L.D. "Mmmm!" says the woman eagerly, which, girls, should be your cue to run. She makes a vague attempt to measure Melanie (i.e. wraps a measuring tape diagonally around her torso, so that it goes under one boob and over the other) and declares, "I think I know what you'd like." She yanks a random bra off the rack and holds it up reverently, murmuring, "It is lovely, isn't it?" like it's some kind of antique Chinese embroidery rather than a fugly nylon bra – but at least the Wonderbra marketing department are getting their money's worth. Melanie smiles politely and wonders if this woman is actually insane.

"Would you like to try it on?" asks the bra lady. "What? Here?" asks Melanie in disgust. "In the change rooms, dummy!" explains L.D. Aw man, do you remember when you were a kid and your mother would make you try stuff on behind a rack of clothes if there was a big queue for the changing rooms, and it was the most embarrassing thing ever? Or was that just my mother?

"You really should try it on," says the bra lady. "You can't bring it back." She is extraordinarily patient with these two, who are laughing so squeakily through all of this that I think they might be back on the New Zealand Zappers. Off they go to the changing rooms, where no doubt more bra-based hilarity ensues, but thankfully we're spared actually having to watch it.

Next morning, Stephanie is in the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations, putting blusher on her cheeks and also on her chin for some reason. L.D. is begging her to put in an appearance at the swimming race. "Do I get to make a speech?" asks Steph, in her flirty voice (I guess she's decided that it's easier to just leave it switched on all the time, or else that a bit of lesbian flirting will provide her with a much-needed change of pace). L.D. says she doesn't have to, but Steph tosses her head, looks sideways at L.D, and smoulders, "I'm getting pretty good at speeches, you know." L.D, completely oblivious to Steph's dubious charms, cheerfully answers that Steph can say whatever she likes.

"Can I wear my new wet-look bikini? It's hot pink," says Stephanie. "Sure, wear whatever you like," L.D. says with difficulty, obviusly getting more and more uncomfortable with Steph's leching, but aware that this is the price of getting her to appear at the race. I feel a bit sorry for L.D., because she's considerably more mature than most of the people around her, and also because those sexist brothers she mentioned earlier? Don't exist. We get a whole episode later on centred around her home life, and she has no brothers. Whatever gets her through the day, I guess, but it seems kind of sad to me.

Melanie comes out of the cubicle, wearing the new bra under her T-shirt. The others stare. "What do you think?" she asks. The others tell her she looks "real nice", though Stephanie needs a bit of prompting from L.D., and is a terrible liar. "Isn't it great? I feel grown up at last!" sighs Melanie, and heads out to work her Wonderbra magic on the general population. Stephanie smirks.

Out in the corridor, Melanie meets Susie and Caitlin. They say hello, but that's all, so Melanie ostentatiously fidgets with her bra. They look rather disturbed at first, but eventually Caitlin catches on and says, "Your mum changed her mind!" Jeez, did Melanie tell the whole school about her braless woes? The girls awkwardly compliment her new bust.

And speaking of busts, here comes the bust connoisseur himself, Joey Jeremiah! "Nice BRA, Melanie," he says, then pretends to sneeze and asks her for a Kleenex. Melanie insists her suspiciously lumpy bosom is not made of Kleenex and Caitlin witheringly tells him to knock it off. Joey and Tim crack themselves up comparing Melanie's boobs to variously-sized fruits, then finish with a wolf-howl for some reason. Excessively ominous music plays. Melanie is crushed. Teenage boys say stupid things? Who knew?

At lunchtime, Sexist Jason, Wheels, and some guy who I don't think will ever appear again but whom the credits refer to as "Wai Lee" are huddled in a stairwell. Jason is insisting that the guys can't back down or everyone will call them chicken (and thankfully doesn't go of into a rambling discussion of chicken parts, a la Melanie)."We'll look pretty dumb if we lose," counters Wai Lee through a mouthful of carrot sticks. Wheels utters a cogent but very poorly acted speech about why the guys are utterly fucked, but Jason is still in frantic denial. "I thought you were men!" he wails. Wheels looks appalled at this error of judgement. Wai Lee just chomps on a carrot stick, which is an answer in itself, as carrot sticks are the wussiest of school lunches.

Jason suggests that they could win if Snake swims with them, but Wheels points out that he's not on the soccer team. Wai Lee specifies that Snake was, in fact, cut from the team for being terrible. Jason says that he's a good swimmer, and makes the others promise to swim in the race if he can get Snake to join. It seems that Sexist Jason is also Unethical Jason!

Snake the Man-God is unsuspectingly eating lunch on the front steps, wearing a huge pair of sunglasses with a cord around his neck, like old women have. But apparently in the '80s this just heightened a man's allure: women want to be with Snake, men want to be him. Arthur and Yick are staking him out from behind a bike rack, but they're too far away to see what he's eating. Just as they're getting ready to wander by for a better look, Generally Unsavoury Jason barges past them and goes to sit next to Snake.

Jason asks Snake to swim with the boys in the race, but Snake reminds him that he's not on the team due to his previously mentioned suckitude. "No," says Jason, "I remember the tryouts. You were… not bad, actually." That's some nice lying. Snake is still having some ethical qualms but Jason says he'll get him another tryout if he agrees to swim. Snake sort of agrees to it.

Jason goes, and Snake takes out his lunch. It's a pot of yogurt. Yick and Arthur are staring at him from two feet away. After a minute, he realises, and looks up. "Uh… excuse me… is that yogurt?" asks Arthur raptly. "Yeah," says Snake, looking so weirded out he might cry. The boys walk off, and Yick points out that he eats yogurt all the time and is still short, so Arthur decides that they need to find out what Snake eats after school. Because the problem couldn't possibly be that their plan is stupid in the first place. Nuh-uh.

Later, in English class, Mr Raditch is reading out loud (the Player Queen's lines from Hamlet, in a squeaky woman's voice, since you asked). The line he's reading contains the word "breast", and all the boys laugh. Susie rolls her eyes in mature disgust; Caitlin gives the boys a look of pure loathing. The mention of breasts gives Alex an idea, and he reaches over and snaps Melanie's bra. "Ow!" she screams. Mr Raditch glowers at her and asks sarcastically if there's something she'd like to share with the rest of the class, like she would yell "Ow!" as a hilarious prank. Raditch is obviously unfamiliar with the concept of hilarity. Melanie hides her face in her hands. More ominous music. Let this be a lesson to you all, girls: breasts are a source of unending public shame, and don't you forget it.

After class, a glum Melanie shuffles out of the room, with Susie and Caitlin making feeble attempts to cheer her up. Joey yells that he can't wait to see her in her bathing suit. Melanie looks yet more shamefaced. Snake overhears and watches her anxiously, or he might just be daydreaming about bathing suits. Steph has a pink wet-look bikini she'd love to show him.

Melanie mopes out into the stairwell, where there's a poster advertising an "informal current affairs discussion group" run by Ms Avery. Because Ms Avery is a liberal. L.D. catches up with Melanie and complains that half the swim team are refusing to swim because they've got their periods, or don't want the boys to see them in swimsuits, but "at least there's four of us – Susie, Caitlin, me and you –" "I'm not swimming," says Melanie. L.D. freaks out, but Melanie walks off. Commercial break.

A little later, the boys are practicing soccer, and Wheels isn't very good in goal, by the way. Melanie and L.D. walk by, Melanie still insisting she won't swim. L.D. delivers a heartfelt speech about how winning this race would let her overcome the years of gender-based trauma she's suffered at the hands of her sexist brothers, which would be very touching if her brothers EXISTED.

Melanie, who's somehow acquired a big black cardigan with which to cover her shameful body, says that everyone laughed at her today and it'll be worse if they see her in a swimsuit. She insists that her bra isn't stuffed, it just "shapes" her, but she can't wear it under her "Speedo" (good lord, does the product placement never end?) and she'll look flat and the mockery will never end. She walks sadly homewards, the logo on her brand-new Speedo sports bag clearly legible. Yes, really.

Meanwhile, back on the soccer pitch, Jason and Snake come over and Jason announces that the coach let Snake on the team (presumably the coach is easily bribed). Manly cheering. The boys start to play, but Snake is just as bad at soccer as we have been led to believe. He tries to weasel out, but Jason insists he just needs practice.

Later, Arthur and Yick are lurking outside an unbelievably dingy shop called the "De Grassi Grocery", which looks like the kind of place with a secret back room where they remove bullets, no questions asked. Arthur watches through a pair of binoculars as Snake comes out eating something, which they identify as a "Super Crunch Delight". Once he's gone, they run in and buy forty of them. Oh, those boys!

Next morning. Melanie comes into school, still carrying her Speedo bag despite insisting she won't swim, and in comes Jason, also with a Speedo bag. This is getting ridiculous. Jason goes over to Snake, and then sees L.D., and proudly tells her Snake's on the team. L.D. knows what he's up to, Jason says there's nothing she can do about it, and Snake watches them argue. He grins goofily every time he looks at Jason and seems troubled and qualmy every time he looks at L.D. "I still don't think this is right," he says after L.D. is gone. Jason doesn't give a crap.

Inside, Melanie's going upstairs when she sees Joey and Tim (in a bookie's hat) taking bets on the race. Is there no adult supervision in this school? Cut to Snake, alone, tormentedly eating a Super Crunch Delight – the brunch of champions! – on the front steps.

Jason comes into the boys' changing room, but finds only Wheels and the perpetually depressed Wai Lee. "Where's Snake?" asks Wheels. "He's not here?" says Jason. "Sure he is," snarks Wheels. "He's just so thin you missed him." Heh. The others obviously hold Jason personally responsible for this hitch in their cheating plans, so he runs off to look for Snake the Man-God before they mutiny.

Meanwhile, Susie, L.D. and Caitlin are in their changing room, doing warm-ups in their spiffy matching Adidas jackets YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. Oh look, a Speedo poster on the wall. The girls are all pretty depressed, because apparently Melanie's been carrying this team all along and they're doomed without her. Stephanie, in her tried-and-trusted pink boob tube and minty green miniskirt, her hair freshly back-combed to full mushroomy glory, practises her speech: "It's a big day for the girls' swim team, blah blah blah." Yes, really. L.D. asks what happened to the pink wet-look bikini, but Steph says there's too many people out there. What, all of a sudden she's developed a sense of shame? This isn’t the Steph we know and tolerate!

Jason runs through the deserted halls calling forlornly for Snake. It would be touching, if Jason wasn't such a pain in the ass.

Somebody's remembered that the subplot needed wrapping up. Cut to Arthur and Yick hanging onto one of those laddery climbing-frame thingies they have in school gyms, in an effort to stretch. "I'll never eat another Super Crunch Delight again," says Arthur. "I was sick all night." "Me too," grunts Yick. "My arms hurt." "Mine too. But that's the price of getting tall – there's no gain without pain," says Arthur. My sides are splitting, I assure you.

Finally, Jason finds another human being in the corridors, but unfortunately for him it's mere mortal Melanie. She says she hasn't seen Snake. "Aren't you supposed to be getting ready to swim?" asks Jason. When she can't look him in the eye, he realises she's not swimming, and is so delighted he does one of those little sideways kicks as he goes off to keep looking for Snake. It would be cute, if Jason wasn't such a pain in the ass.

Eventually he gives up, and returns to the changing room. He announces that Snake's still missing, but they don't need him, because Melanie's not swimming either. There's another Speedo poster in the boys' changing room, no surprise there, only it shows some huge oiled-up muscly guy in the world's smallest bulgiest swimming trunks, and frankly it's a little creepy.

With a level of self-belief that would be inspiring if he wasn't such a pain in the ass, Jason declares that Melanie backed out of the race because she knows the boys are going to win. Wai Lee and Wheels finally fall for his web of confidence-building lies, and exchange giant grins.

Meanwhile, Snake is sitting in godly isolation on the front steps, eating some kind of brown mush wrapped in tinfoil. Melanie comes out the door and tells him Jason's looking for him. "Yeah, well," snaps Snake. Then: "I thought you were swimming?" "I thought you were swimming," says Melanie.

Snake explains that he quit because it "wasn't right", as he was only put on the soccer team in order to rig the race. "They said I can play, but I know I can't. I used to be pretty good… but since I got tall, my feet don't always do what I tell them to any more." And this is the tragic revelation of the episode: puberty is a bitch, and it will shatter your dreams. Speaking of which, wouldn't big breasts make you all unstreamlined, so you couldn't swim as fast? Melanie had better hope she stays flat-chested.

Snake asks Melanie why she's not swimming. "I bought this b…" she trails off. "You saw the way Joey and them laughed at me. And I hate being laughed at."

Snake the Man-God, of course, has the answer: "Everyone hates being laughed at. But you can't let that stop you from doing stuff." Wow, that's like, totally deep. Melanie looks inspired. Hers has been a life very starved of inspirational material.

Joey leads his posse of male chauvinists into the stands by the pool. As the school song plays (of course), the girls' team emerge from the changing rooms in their snazzy Speedo/Adidas outfits. Much cheering from the girls, booing from the boys, and brandishing of handmade placards from everyone, because people had a lot of time on their hands before the internet. Then the boys' team comes out of their door. Cheering from the boys, and also for some reason from Alexa. Sell-out.

Inside the locker room, Melanie's in her swimsuit. She stares ponderously at herself in the mirror, then checks out her bosom one last time. Nope, still small.

Outside, the teams are standing by the edge of the pool, when the girls' door opens again and Melanie comes out. Her team-mates cheer. Wheels and Wai Lee look like they might beat up Jason. Joey leans over and yells, "Hey Melanie! You're so flat the walls are jealous!" Ominous music, but Melanie meets L.D.'s eye and they smile at each other, fondly remembering their hilarious Wonderbra-based capers of two days ago. With that, L.D. runs over to Joey, grabs him and throws him in the pool. Everybody laughs (even Rick! Caitlin would be proud).

Once Joey's been rescued by his chauvinist sidekicks, Stephanie starts the race. Thankfully, this is one Steph speech that doesn't end in a giant group makeout session or in vomiting. Though when the swimmers dive in, she gets splashed and recoils like the Wicked Witch of the West. People swim, the audience cheers (Snake's turned up to watch). Melanie swims last. Obviously she wins. In the grand tradition of this show, the credits roll over an unflattering, blurry still of her grinning face. But at least her teeth are straight.

Dubious lessons of the week: In the great race that is puberty, there are no winners. Also, Wonderbras are the sine qua non of womanhood and Speedo and Adidas make the most delightful sportswear.

S01 E04 - The Cover-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Fri, 29 May 2009 08:45:00 +0000

Morning. Rick's sitting at the table reading a magazine on motorbikes. There are sirens in the background, because he lives in a working-class neighbourhood. The room is a mess because Rick's mom isn't around. There's a carton labelled "homo milk" on the table, for which I have no explanation.

Anyway, Rick's dad comes in, looking for his tie. Rick's dad has some of the worst grownup hair on this show (although the actual worst comes later in this episode). Combining two deeply wrong hairstyles, it's huge and fluffy like clown hair, and it's also a mullet. He spots Rick's magazine and asks where he got it, and if "Frank" gave it to him. We get the impression that he would definitely not see this as a good thing.

Rick's well aware of this, and says that he bought the magazine. His dad accuses him of stealing it, but Rick says he bought it with money he got for recycling some bottles. His dad starts lecturing him about how they don't have money to waste on stuff like this, while some kind of train or something goes by, in the next room by the sound of it, just in case you'd forgotten it was a working-class neighbourhood.

Rick's Bad Dad complains that he had "plans" for that money, and mumbles something that sounds like "get out of town with it". Rick's pretty sceptical about the idea that you could get out of town with the proceeds of recycling your bottles, but it seems Bad Dad really doesn't like it when people knock his ridiculous ambitions.

He comes over to Rick, his eyes all bulgy. "Don't you ever talk back to me again!" he says. Then he hits Rick. Then conveniently holds him still so the camera can pan over his bruises from previous beatings. Well, that's depressing.

Hey, it's the inappropriately cheerful opening credits! That'll cheer us up! Forget about the miserable squalid scene of child abuse you just saw!

Outside the school. Rick cycles up to the bike racks, accompanied by guitar music that might have passed for vaguely punky and rebellious once upon a time, and definitely doesn't now, but at least it's a change from the synth kazoo horror of last episode. His bike is some weird thing with a tiny front wheel, and it also has those little rear-view mirrors sticking up from the handlebars like on a motorbike, which is sort of cute.

Joey is dicking around on his skateboard, and for some reason he's going for a French beatnik vibe this episode, having spiced up his usual rotation of fedoras with the addition of a black beret. He's so busy showing off that he crashes into some purposeless concrete obstacle and lands face-first in the grass. Susie and Caitlin watch aghast, as does Stephanie, who's still in her morning burqa. Not that they actually move to do anything. Mr Raditch rushes over, but is disappointed when he realises that Joey's actually pretty much fine, except for a black eye and some stage blood on his forehead. He tells him to go see the nurse, then report to Mr Lawrence for a chastening.

When Joey's gone, Rick goes back to doing some nonspecific bike-tending. At least he got his motorbike magazine back. He's also got him a fanclub – Caitlin and Susie are staring at him from a distance. Susie says he's "sooo cute", and Caitlin distantly says, "Yeah. I hear he's on probation." It doesn't sound like that enhances his appeal for her. In a sweeping moment of judgmentalness, she decides that he's on probation for beating people up, because "he's always got lots of bruises". Bitch.

(I should warn you that I adore Rick, in a wholesome, maternal way, and I won't hear a word said against him. Plus, way to spectacularly misjudge the situation, Caitlin.)

Joey arrives at Mr Lawrence's office, apparently wearing some cotton wool taped to his head with the brown sellotape you use for parcels. Doris the School Secretary asks him what happened, and he claims he was rescuing a kid from being beaten up. FORESHADOWING OMG.

Doris isn't buying any of this BS, and calls his bluff by asking if he's here for a commendation. Joey admits that he's been sent to see Mr Lawrence. She calls the principal on his intercom, and his creepy disembodied voice sighs, "Send him in." Mr Lawrence sounds as if he's weary of life. But so might you, if you had to deal with Joey on a regular basis.

Once Joey's out of the way, Doris goes on the PA to make an announcement: it's photo day on Thursday, and they should all try to dress their best "for a change". Helpfully, we also see a poster repeating the same information. Wow, I wonder if photo day might have some importance to the plot later on? Steph and Spike are walking down the hallway chatting. I can't tell if their horrible awkwardness is intentional because those characters aren't friends, or just due to bad acting.

Anyway, Steph weasels away and goes into the Bathroom of Skanky Transformations. While she's enacting said transformation, Voula comes out of one of the cubicles. Steph tries to say hello, but Voula manages to say hello back in a way that's even colder than ignoring her would have been.

Steph grudgingly apologises for her general crappy electoral behaviour and asks if Voula's ever going to forgive her. I'd say the answer is no, because all Voula says is "You'd better watch out, Stephanie. It wouldn't look good for our school president to be caught talking to a lowly peasant like me." Well, if Voula doesn't want to be seen as a peasant, she should probably stop going around in peasant blouses: today's is a shade of mustard that precisely matches the bathroom door.

Voula's about to flounce out, but then, seeing an opportunity to mess with Steph's head, comes back and asks if she's going to wear her hideous skankwear on photo day. This scene would have a lot more impact if Steph wasn't wearing her least revealing and most non-horrible, something-a-sane-person-might-wear outfit to date (a stripy V-neck top and a skirt that's short but far from her usual levels of traumatic indecency). Voula points out that Mama Kaye won't be too pleased if she sees what her daughter dresses like at school. This genuinely seems to be the first time that this has occurred to Steph, and Voula (for once knowing when to quit) leaves her gaping in terror at her own reflection.

In the background is another hand-drawn photo day poster (do these kids have nothing else to do with their time?), which includes a cartoony drawing of a guy all dressed up to get his picture taken. Because of his huge clowny hair, he looks like nobody so much as Rick's Bad Dad. It's rather disturbing.

Rick enters the Grade 7 classroom, to guitar music that sounds oddly like the intro to 'Everybody Wants Something'. Foreshadowing, or they just couldn't be bothered to pay someone to write more background music? You decide. Anyway, he sits down to read his motorbike magazine in peace, unaware that the Rick Fan Club is staring at him again.

"He always looks so traaagic," says Caitlin. Susie thinks it must be weird to flunk and get left behind by your friends, but Caitlin reckons Rick doesn't have any friends. No, just fangirl stalkers. "He's such a loner, and he never smiles," Caitlin complains. "I think we should help him – we should make him smile!" And a lifetime of meddling and irritating activism begins!

In the Grade 8 room, Voula is blithering about how she can't wait for photo day. L.D. says photo day is "pretty special", so she's going to wear her Castrol T-shirt, calling up mental images of Alan Partridge's funeral jacket. Seriously, what was the deal with all the Castrol merchandise they used to have in those days? That seems so weird in retrospect.

Steph comes in and mocks L.D., obviously. She's closely followed by Joey, who tells Voula that he hurt his head when "these three big guys said Stephanie was only the second-best president the school has ever had, so I had to teach them a lesson". Stephanie kind of seems to buy this story, which is pretty stupid considering she was there when he fell off his skateboard.

Raditch comes in, and immediately grabs Joey's face to check out his injuries. He seems pleased enough with how banged-up Joey is, so starts in on yet another tiresome lecture about the quality of everyone's homework. Once he's gone, Tim leans over and asks Joey what he's wearing for photo day. Joey says it'll be "a classic case of the four J's – Joey Jeremiah and his jean jacket".

Anyway, Raditch hears them talking and gives his stock rant about how socialising is not done in his class, followed with a Stinkeye Lite. He then goes back to pacing and going on about verbs, and the camera zooms in on his blackboard, where there's yet another announcement about photo day, like we might have forgotten about photo day in the ten seconds since it was last mentioned. Jeez.

That afternoon, Joey skateboards home. The house is painted a shade of red-brown that makes me unutterably sad. Inside, his oddly dishevelled mother (wearing a blue sack and some proto-Uggs) is sewing some kind of jeans-like garment. I can't see this going wrong at all. She gets all worried when she sees the cotton wool sellotaped to his head. In a sad attempt to amuse her and thus win her approval, he claims he was studying when a book jumped up and hit him in the eye (wtf?). She completely ignores this and asks if the nurse had a look at it. Who does she think bandaged him – Wheels?

Joey goes upstairs and is appalled to find that someone cleaned up his room. He comes down to complain to his mother, who says she got sick of nagging him to do it. But his precious stash of fedoras and vitamin tablets is safely boxed up in the basement, so no need to worry. Joey, ungrateful punk that he is, whines about invasions of his privacy, and even tries complaining to his dad, who just laughs at him. You can tell Dad is a Good Sort, because he's doing the washing-up and wearing an apron.

Joey's already gearing up for a Category 4 tantrum, and then realises what his mom's been doing the whole time: she's patching his jeans with a piece of his favourite jacket. His parents say they bought him a new one, but apparently wearing a new jacket makes you look like a "broomhead" and they have to be broken in. And Thursday, in case you hadn't heard, is photo day! And we hit Category 5…. now. "You know what this is?" wails Joey. "Child abuse!" Yeah, it turns out child abuse can take many forms, including housework. Who knew?

Joey runs upstairs, and his parents for some reason don't burst into hysterical laughter, which would totally be my reaction.

Next morning. Rick cycles into school, and announces his arrival by tooting an extremely high-pitched horn. Which completely kills any sort of biker badass cred he might have had previously. Tragic abuse victim Joey is rambling at Tim about how he hates the brutal housecleaning savages who gave him life. "Parents are a real pain," mumbles Tim with the air of someone who's well-versed in pretending to listen to another person's rants while actually thinking about something else altogether.

"It's child abuse, is what it is!" says Joey. "It took me months to get that jacket right, and then they go and ruin it! Now I've got nothing to wear for photo day!" The menion of child abuse gets Rick's attention, and he tells Joey that he could sell him one of his jackets. "Like, used and everything?" asks Joey. "Everything I've got's used," says Rick in a sad, wistful voice, but Joey doubts the extent of Rick's poverty, and says he wants to see the jacket first.

"So come and see it," says Rick. "What?? To your place?" Joey exclaims. Jeez, Joey, if a poor kid asks you over to their house, the polite thing to do is not recoil in fright. If Rick's offended at this, he doesn't show it, and just tells Joey to meet him after school. After a second's terrified hesitation, Joey says, "All right. Thanks, buddy!" This, however, does cause offense: Rick calls him back to say, "Just 'cause you're buying my jacket doesn't make us 'buddies', OK?" He says the word "buddies" with a depth of scorn that's a little frightening in one so young. Luckily, Joey's interpersonal skills are so limited (probably because of his tragic history of abuse) that he doesn't understand he's being brutally rebuffed until some time later.

A little later, Susie and Caitlin are lying in wait in the hallway. Rick strides manfully past. "Rick!" Susie calls. He turns around with a vaguely suspicious look. "I've got a joke for you," she says. "It's really funny. Why did the turtle cross the road?" Rick doesn't even shrug, more twitches his arms in a sort of lukewarm pastiche of a shrug. Alex is listening in disgust from behind him. "Because it was the chicken's day off!" Caitlin answers. Both girls do some kind of stupid hand-flourish. Rick gives this joke the response it deserves, viz., he turns around stony-faced and walks off.

In the classroom, Voula is minding her own business when a terrifying apparition looms up behind her. It's Steph with her wheedling face on, wearing the halterneck collared shirt from a couple episodes back. A random selection of her hair is pulled up messily in a huge clip, in a style that appears over and over again in this show and consistently looks ridiculous. Also, Snake is in the background, and I'm 90% sure his Hawaiian shirt is made from the same fabric as her top.

"I need your advice," she tells Voula. You know what's coming, don't you? "I wouldn't presume to offer advice to someone as important as our school president," Voula snaps ritualistically. Stephanie is getting less and less patient with this, just like the audience. "Come on! We used to be best friends! I still want to be." She mumbles the last bit like she's mildly ashamed of it. Friendship is for squares!

Voula reluctantly turns around in a way that suggests she's prepared to listen. She's leaning on a huge book called "Drama IV", presumably a guide to dealing with drama queens such as a certain school president I could mention. Anyway, Steph explains her problem: if she gets her photo taken (on photo day) in home clothes, everyone will laugh. (Not an argument that'll win much sympathy from Voula, who's forced to dress like a 19th-century peasant because it fits with her father's vision of a socialist utopia.) But if she wears hideous skankwear, her mother will do the responsible thing and ground her forever (for which the general population of Toronto would be deeply grateful).

Voula weighs it up for a moment, then chirpily declares, "Its your problem!" and goes back to drawing up the latest party manifesto. Steph looks utterly bereft, like talking to Voula was her last, last hope, and there is now absolutely no way around this problem, such as wearing something that isn't convent-wear or in violation of local obscenity laws. OK, maybe she is stupid after all.

After school, Joey's waiting for Rick by the bike racks, and sits on his bike for a second. He then notices Rick watching him with arms folded and a very unimpressed look on his face (although what's new?) and Rick has actually got quite muscular arms. Joey leaps off the bike pretty sharpish. "Let's go," Rick snaps. "Come with me!" Joey whispers frantically to Tim, but Tim's having none of it. Off they go.

They arrive on a normal-looking city street, although Joey's looking around like he expects to get knifed any second. Going around in that stupid Hawaiian shirt and beret combo isn't a good way to prevent that. They get to the door of Rick's apartment, but the sound quality is so terrible that it's impossible to hear what they say.

Anyway, they go inside and up the stairs; Rick complains about how slow Joey is, then jogs up the stairs, his hair bouncing hilariously with each step. The carpet is one of those greeny-brown ones with a pattern of cabbages that old people always have in the good sitting room, along with a giant painting of the Virgin Mary and a matched pair of china dogs by the fireplace.

Joey's impressed by the moderate messiness of Rick's living room. "I like this place! Your mom must be real cool." "I don't have a mom," says Rick matter-of-factly. Joey flinches, for once actually realising when he's made a massive faux pas. Rick goes over to the fridge and gets himself a Coke, then turns to see Joey staring at him with a look of sheer unadulterated fear. "Do you want a pop or something?" asks Rick, in a vague effort to defuse the situation. "Yeah! Sure!" says Joey nervously. Rick shoves the last remaining Coke at him and goes to get the jacket out of the wardrobe so he can be rid of this weirdo.

Joey drifts over to admire a very grim-looking poster of a motorbike on the wall. "I've been on one of those," says Rick. "My brother Frank's got one. He takes me driving on it sometimes. When he gets it going real fast, it's like nothing can stop you. Like nothing matters any more." Joey looks briefly moved, but then both guys remember that talking about one's feelings is unmanly, and the moment's over.

Rick gives Joey the jacket. "This used to be Frank's," he explains. "Does Frank live here too?" asks Joey as he puts the jacket on. "He moved out," Rick explains, only, being Canadian, he pronounces it more like… oewt? Sirens wail in the background again, to remind you of the squalid working-classness of the boys' surroundings, and speaking of misery, here comes Rick's Bad Dad.

Joey actually tries to be polite, holding out his hand and introducing himself, but RBD ignores him. "Wouldn't believe the day I've had," he groans, then goes over to the fridge to look for… a Coke? I suppose if he wanted a beer, that would cross the line into parental alcoholism, which is reserved for a whole nother episode and an altogether less sympathetic character.

Rick can tell what's coming and he tries to bundle Joey towards the door. Joey asks about paying for the jacket, but Rick says they'll talk about it tomorrow and Joey really needs to go now. RBD doesn't notice this exchange, and complains that he had "something to drink" in the fridge (it's very obviously Coke, but actually mentioning the brand would be too blatant?). When he sees that Joey and Rick were drinking the last Cokes, he loses it. "You're asking for trouble, is what you're doing. You think we can afford to give stuff to every little punk you know? You wanna start bringing home a paycheque!"

Joey finally gets the hint around the point RBD starts smacking Rick in the face, and runs out the door. We can hear the world's most savage beating taking place inside the apartment. Out on the street, the cogs inside Joey's brain start to turn very slowly. "Wow, Rick's dad sure is an asshole. I wonder if he tidies Rick's room too?"

Back in the apartment, a freshly bruised Rick locks himself in his room and sits down on the bed to cry, while his dad yells insincere apologies outside. The scene is pretty damn sad, but its gravitas is undercut by the terrible, terrible musical accompaniment (a very shoddy synth clarinet).

After the commercial break (how I desperately wish the DVDs could have included some '80s commercials), we see some guys outside the school pulling some camera equipment out of the back of a van. Can it be? Photo day has finally arrived!

Joey skateboards up to Tim, who compliments his new jacket. Tim is wearing a keyboard-tie. "So, it went ok?" he asks. "He was cool?" Joey replies incredibly insincerely, "Yeah. Sure. He was cool." AAAAUGH Wheels is wearing those disgustingly tight corduroy pants again. Speaking of Wheels – how come Joey's had a different best friend in every episode so far?

In the school library, the photographer is at work. Everyone's queuing outside. Alexa's wearing a baggy orange satin jumpsuit with an enormous collar that makes her look like an evil alien queen. Voula's wearing her Austin Powers shirt again, and dear lord it is just spectacularly awful. She's also draped a cardigan over her shoulders, granny-style, like she doesn't even have the courage of her horrible fashion convictions. Steph arrives in a mint-green miniskirt and a pink boob tube that just doesn't fit her, being simultaneously too short and too wide.

"I've decided I have to be me," Steph announces proudly to Voula. Voula smirks. "Very sophisticated! I'd like to see your mother's face when she sees the pictures!" Steph looks freaked out all over again, like she forgot about this problem since she last talked it over with Voula, 24 hours ago.

The photographing continues inside the library. Melanie freaks out because she's got a zit on her forehead. What, even after she took all those vitamins? Caitlin is wearing one of her trademark headbands for the first time, and it already looks stupid. Melanie sits down in front of the camera and pulls her hair down so it covers most of her face, but apparently the cameraman doesn't give a crap, and just takes her photo anyway. One of the twins is trying really hard not to laugh at her.

Rick is next up. He goes to sit on the stool, and Susie and Caitlin stand literally like a foot away from him. Subtle and not at all intimidating! The cameraman tactfully arranges Rick's face so his massive bruises are facing sort of away from the camera.

Speaking of tact: Joey, who has just been staring at Rick with his bruised face and all, turns around to Tim and asks, "What would you do if you knew someone who was getting beat up all the time by his dad?" "Who?" asks Tim. "It's just a question," Joey says, and then goes back to staring fixedly at Rick. With his bruised face and all.

"Smile, please!" orders the cameraman. Rick just stares at him with a look of absolute heartbreaking misery. The cameraman tells him to smile again, then gives up and takes the photo anyway. Rick's incredibly unperceptive fangirls giggle fangirlishly to each other at this.

When the Grade Sevens are marched out of the room, Rick goes over to Joey and demands his money. Joey's five dollars short, though, and Rick demands the jacket back. Joey begs and pleads with him not to take the jacket, lest he look like a broomhead (I think that battle was lost long ago, actually). Rick really doesn't care, but eventually agrees to let Joey give him the rest of the money after school, and stomps off.

Joey, the King of Subtlety, yells after him, "Rick? Do you wanna talk about last night?" …Yeah, seriously. Whatever the situation, you never shout that at anyone in public. It will not instil in them a desire to talk about last night. And if you're a guy shouting this at another guy in the aggressively heteronormative environment of a 1980s junior high, this goes double. "Mind your own business," snaps Rick. Joey doesn't want to let it go, but Rick tells him to shut up, and he eventually does.

Spike gets her photo taken – she's wearing her usual punk hairdo, with a very demure blouse and an actual blazer. Sometimes stylistic incongruity in an outfit is cool and ironic, and sometimes it's just incongruous. This is one of the latter times.

Voula gets hers taken, and then it's the turn of Steph, who's looking at the camera like it might steal her soul. Silly Steph! Doesn't she know she has no soul? Eventually, she mans up and sits on the stool, frantically hitching up her boob tube, and the guy takes her photo. There's a quick, menacing close-up of the camera lens, and it looks eerily like a beigy version of HAL.

Back to probably the worst subplot of this whole series: Caitlin and Susie are out in the hall, putting on plastic pig-noses. Yeah, I know. Even Caitlin is aware that Rick might not find this funny, but Susie insists, "Of course he'll think it's funny!" When Rick appears, the girls oink at him.

Let's just say he doesn't think it's funny.

Not because he has a tragic life, but because it isn't funny. At all.

He shoots them a pitying look, shakes his head, and walks off. Shane and Alex watch with looks of stunned disgust on their faces; they couldn't look more appalled if the girls were wearing real pigs' noses from pigs they'd slaughtered for the purpose.

In Mr Raditch's room, the kids are sitting through a class on "confusing words". Tim's been mulling over Joey's feeble efforts at obfuscation, and finally leans over to him (a scene from the credits!) and whispers, "This guy getting beat up by his dad – it's Rick, isn't it?" Joey insists it's just some theoretical kid called Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadu, but Tim keeps pestering him, and eventually an apparently PMSing Raditch snaps and lectures them AGAIN on how his classroom is for learning, not socialising, blah blah blah, and sends Joey off to see the principal. Joey stomps off, giving Tim a filthy look on his way out.

Later, Joey comes out of Mr Lawrence's office. On his way past Doris's desk, he gets an idea. Because he doesn't learn from experience, he asks her the same question about "What if some guy was getting beat up by his dad?" Doris sort of jumps down his throat looking for details, and Joey panics and says he's only asking "in case I ever run into someone like that". Heh. Doris asks if everything's ok at home, and Joey gets a deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes and mumbles, "More or less, I mean… Parents, right?" and literally runs away. So you really can't judge Doris too harshly for promptly phoning Children's Aid.

After school, Rick is waiting for Joey, and reminds him that he still owes him five dollars. Joey's starting to look perpetually terrified at this point, but faintly tells Rick to come over to his place for the money. Tim watches them go, and so does the Rick Fan Club. For some reason Tim has tucked his trousers into his socks as if he was going rat-catching. It looks stupider than that sounds.

On the way to Joey's house, Rick's bike chain comes off. Joey says they can fix it at his house. They walk on awkwardly, and find a huge motorbike parked outside Joey's house. Rick says it's not as cool as the bike of his godlike brother Frank, but "not bad" all the same.

Inside the house, Joey's parents are having espressos and tiny snacks with some dude who has, hands-down, the lousiest hairdo in this show. The back and sides are cut short, but the top is long and has been spikily back-combed to an enormous size and dyed blonde. He looks like he has a huge sea anemone growing out of his head. His motorbike helmet is on the coffee table, which is almost certainly bad table manners.

Joey's dad is bitching that they've raised four kids and nobody's ever accused them of child abuse before, "although I can say there've been times I've felt like it!" Strained laughter all around. Yeah, reeeeally not a joke you should make to a social worker who's investigating you for child abuse.

The boys come in, and Joey's mother introduces Anemone Guy as Mr Somebody from Children's Aid. AG shakes hands with Joey and gets down to business: "This afternoon you told your school secretary about a father beating a child…" Joey insists that his parents never hit him and he got his black eye from falling into some bikes. Rick looks extremely shifty and starts backing towards the door. "Who are you talking about, Joey?" asks AG, staring fixedly at Rick. "Because if it's true, he needs help very badly. Even if he won't admit it!" The last part is yelled out the door at the departing figure of Rick.

Outside, Rick tries to escape on his bike but is thwarted by his gammy chain. Anemone Guy comes out the door and fixes him with another creepy stare. "Do you want a hand with that?" he asks. He has a really weird voice that sounds like he's speaking through a cardboard tube.

Inside the house, we see Joey and his parents crowding at the front window to spy on this little tableau. Classy behaviour, people.

Rick insists that he doesn't need help (ooh, symbolic!) but AG goes to his motorbike and fishes out some kind of bike-chain-attacher, which he uses to attach the bike chain. "I can get a court order if I need to," he says casually, out of nowhere. To fix the bike?

"Do you get a bonus for every kid you bag or something?" asks Rick. "No!" says AG, completely talking over Rick. "But the kid gets help."

Bike fixed, Rick cycles off, but AG isn't done with him. "I'd like to talk to you," he calls. And it looks really creepy, because he's sort of crouching down behind a bush as he says it, and we all know to avoid guys like that. Rick, not unreasonably, tells him to leave him alone. There's some emotionally overwrought bickering, everyone questions everyone else's motives, and AG insists he can help Rick, and asks if there's someone non-brutal who Rick can stay with.

Next morning, Rick's waiting for Joey in the corridor. He asks him for the five dollars, and Joey swears to him that he didn't say anything about Rick getting beaten up. Rick just wants the money, and Joey gives it to him and scuttles off to his locker and the soothing familiarity of his BUSTS poster.

After a second, Rick comes over to Joey again and says that he's going to go live with Frank for a while, and that Joey can come visit some time. Joey seems happy at this news, but possibly he's just relieved that Rick hasn't come to kill him. "So, see you around?" he asks nervously. Rick takes off Joey's beret and tosses it back to him. "See you around, buddy!" he replies. With a huge, extremely gap-toothed grin.

Rick's creepy meddling stalkers, Caitlin and Suzie, are watching as always. "Suzie," says Caitlin, "he's smiling! He's smiling!" The girls are delighted, and will no doubt go on to write lots of Rick/Joey slash. The credits roll over an incredibly unflattering image of Rick's toothy grin. Dude, I'm glad you're not being beat up any more, but please put those teeth away.

Dubious lessons of the week: Working-class parents beat their kids, unlike middle-class ones. If someone you know is being beaten up, you don't need to figure out what to do – just bumble around ineptly for a while, and eventually someone smarter than you will realise what's going on. Despite what you might think, if your parents tidy your room and fix your clothes that probably doesn't count as abuse.

S01 E03 - The Experiment

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:39:00 +0000

Mr Raditch's room. Mr Lawrence is on the intercom, asking for the caretaker to come to the broom closet with her master key. Obviously Joey hasn't got sick of locking kids in there yet. Yick is safe, though, because he's right here, getting in some last-minute Spiderman-reading before class. And Arthur's safe too, although if he wants to keep avoiding the attention of bullies, making friendly conversation with Mr Raditch about how he just got a totally funky new watch is probably not the best way to go about it.

Raditch manages to disengage himself from the conversation, and goes to the front of the class. In a doomed effort to seem cool, he's sitting on the table with his foot up on a desk and has his hands in his pockets, and he looks acutely uncomfortable.

Arthur leans over to ask Yick if he's going to basketball tryouts. Yick says yes. "This is great – just think! We could be on the same team!" Unfortunately, in his inexplicable excitement at this prospect, Yick's speaking too loudly, and Mr Raditch hears. Seizing the chance to get out of his ill-advised "cool" position, Raditch stalks down to Yick's desk, declaiming, "Mr Yick Yu, who else? Mr Yu, the Disorganised!" Which is a fair criticism as Yick has now covered his desk with several thousand random bits of paper. Raditch then proceeds to insult Yick with some kind of sports-based metaphor that I can't be bothered to repeat here, but the general point is that Yick's a deadbeat. Arthur looks deeply pained at the news that he's been wasting his time hanging out with some kid who can't even put together an efficient filing system. When Raditch has gone back to blahing about essays, Yick leans over to Arthur and whines, "He's always picking on me."

Opening credits. Give us a try at Degrassi Junior Hiiiiigh!

After class. Mr Lawrence is announcing that he'll address the whole school that afternoon in the auditorium, presumably from behind some elaborate system of screens and curtains and with a giant holographic head projected onto the stage. Arthur bumbles out of Mr Raditch's classroom and makes yet another doomed attempt to talk to Steph. She tries to get rid of him with the obligatory "I don't talk to Grade Sevens", but he ignores her and asks if she has the sports shoes he left at their mother's. Steph somehow resists the urge to bludgeon him to death with said shoes for referring to the fact that they have blood relatives in common. He then makes things worse by saying he's going to basketball tryouts because their dad used to play basketball – "It's in my blood!" Steph just tells him again to stay away from her: "If anyone finds out you're my brother, you're gonna wish you were never hatched." Arthur placidly answers, "Don't worry. No problem. See you on the weekend," but Steph is long gone and he's talking to himself. Apparently, being bullied by evil harpies is another Kobalowski trait.

And speaking of bullying: it's Joey, the most half-assed bully in the history of bullying! Today's effort: "Hey, Artie Smartie! I hear your mother recalling you!" What the hell is that even supposed to mean? Joey and Wheels then set off down the hall to jointly perv on Steph. Just another day at Degrassi Junior High.

Melanie and Kathleen come out of a classroom. "Junior high is a lot different than I thought it would be," says Melanie. "Yeah, too much homework," says Kathleen. "Not that!" says Melanie. "Parties! I thought there'd be lots of parties! Not political parties. But real parties. With music and boys and potato chips. And drugs! My mom warned me all summer: junior high is full of drugs. I haven't seen any." I think this is one of my all-time favourite speeches from this show. We were promised drugs, dammit!

Kathleen is looking scandalised, although she hasn't yet cultivated the Victorian scowl of disapproval that will be her default expression for most of the rest of the series. "You'd really try drugs?!" she asks. "Oh yeah, for sure. Wouldn't you?" says Melanie. "Um, yeah. Sure," Kathleen answers. Palpable awkwardness.

Basketball tryouts. First Snake gets the ball in the basket. Everybody claps. Then Arthur tries, but hits the ball off the rim and it bounces wildly off across the room and everybody laughs and embarrassing stuff like that is why I quit basketball in school. That and my debilitating laziness. Anyway. Shane tells Arthur that he can be Degrassi's secret weapon, by playing for the other team. Harsh!

Wait, who's this woman in charge? Is this the only time we actually see a teacher other than Mr Raditch and Ms Avery? They seem to have some kind of a gym teacher here! She puts her hand on Arthur's shoulder and tells him to relax and try again, in the sort of deep, soothing voice you normally hear on relaxation tapes. Which I personally would find more distressingly patronising than Shane's overt insults. Anyway, Arthur tries again and misses horribly. Everybody laughs. Next is Yick's turn. He gets the ball in the basket easily. High fives all round. Go Yick!

After school, Shane and Alex are Yick's new basketball groupies. Arthur catches up with Yick after the others have gone, and weedily asks him for help with basketball, if he's not too busy and doesn't find him too loathsome. Damn Stephanie has reduced him to a shell of a boy! But Yick, unlike Steph, has a soul, so of course he'll help.

Training montage, accompanied by some dreadful music played on a synth kazoo. I'm wilfully ignorant about sports, so I can't really tell if Arthur's supposed to be improving over the course of this. On the way home, Arthur apologises to Yick for getting him in trouble with Mr Raditch, but Yick says that it's not his fault, because Raditch is always picking on him. "He always gives me the same crummy marks – he doesn't even read my stuff. He's got me stereotyped. I could hand in Einstein's paper and I'd still get a D or an F." Well, probably yes, but that might be because Mr Raditch doesn't teach physics.

The boys go into some kind of low-rent diner-type place. Melanie and Kathleen are at a table inside, and Joey's at the next table with Shane and Alex, bitching about his mom's cooking. What a total rebel! Arthur and Yick get milkshakes and sit down in a corner, in front of Heather and Erica (apparently, just filling the diner with kids from the school was cheaper than finding some extras for this scene).

Arthur suggests an experiment. He'll get a paper from last year's class, Yick will copy it out in his own handwriting, and if it comes back with a worse mark than last year, they'll know Mr Raditch has it in for Yick. Yick worries that he'll recognise it, but Arthur ostentatiously does some calculations on his calculator watch and says that Raditch sees 3,000 papers a year and won't recognise this one paper of Stephanie's. Yick wants to know how Arthur can get one of the school president's old papers, but Arthur just says it's a long story and to forget he ever mentioned Steph. Yick actually goes along with this, displaying levels of incuriousness rivalled only by the castaways on Lost. He and Arthur toast their plan with milkshakes.

Back to the much more entertaining secondary plot and the kids who have some vague theoretical knowledge of how to party! Kathleen's worried about getting "hooked" if she tries drugs. "Nobody wants to get hooked," says Melanie sagely. "I mean, I don't want to be an addict, in horrible poverty with rats and lice and everything – I just want to try drugs once." The empowered young woman of today knows exactly what she wants.

Joey overhears this, and comes over into their booth. "Joey F. Jeremiah, Esquire. F for Farmacy, at your service." See, this is something of a warning sign; I would want my drugs supplied by someone with basic literacy skills. "So," he asks, "what do you want? Smoke? Draw? Pot? What's your style? Lebanese Light? Bolivian Blue? Degrassi Grass? Or the top of my line, New Zealand Zappers?"

The girls are panicked and probably quite surprised that drugs turn out to have such stupid brand names, but they don't want to look like cowards, so they agree to it. Joey says he'll see what he can do.

Casa de Kaye. Steph's wearing her home clothes; this time it's an enormous knitted sweater with what looks like reindeer on it. She's laboriously accessorising it with a Lucy-style scarf, but hides it in a panic when there's a knock on the door. Ok, seriously, what is the deal with these scarves? They're completely unobjectionable – the sort made of really thin cotton with a few sparkly threads running through it that you get off market stalls or in hippie shops. Were they somehow subversive twenty years ago? Why on earth was Steph so surprised Lucy's parents let her wear them last episode, and why is she hiding hers now? Will somebody please tell me?

Anyway, it's only Arthur at the door, so Steph takes the scarf back out of her bag and goes back to practising wrapping it around her neck. Seriously. She is just sitting at the mirror, wrapping and re-wrapping it like it's an actual skill or something. Arthur says he's there to visit their mom, and then picks up one of Steph's perfume bottles, examining it rather intently. She looks ever so slightly alarmed at that, and asks him what he wants. He puts the bottle down and asks if he can borrow one of her English essays from last year, "strictly for research purposes". She doesn't believe him, but I think she sort of likes the idea of him cheating and is relieved he didn't come over to borrow her perfume, so she gives him the essay.

Next we see Arthur skulking in a darkened alleyway with the essay under his jacket. He sneaks up to Yick's house and knocks on the window. Yick's on the phone, but hangs up as soon as Arthur knocks. Sorry, Grandma Yu – low-level fraud trumps your annual call from Vietnam.

Yick opens the front door and asks for the essay. Arthur looks around veeery cautiously and takes it out from under his jacket. Miraculously, a horde of Mounties do not leap out from the bushes and arrest both boys. Yick unfolds Steph's essay and is delighted to see that it got a B+. Shocked that Steph can get high grades? Well, just because she dresses like an insane whore and stole an election through prostitution and screws over her friends and uses her huge teeth as a flirting tool and got outrageously drunk when she had to give a speech doesn't mean she's stupid! I think we all learned a little something about stereotypes today.

Yick is in his bedroom, copying the essay out in his own writing, accompanied by a synth-kazoo cover of the school song, only this time it's sort of tarted up and evil-sounding, so you know he's doing something WRONG. For some reason, his room is full of elaborate sound equipment; maybe he is in fact the one responsible for the synth kazoo effect, and he just likes to listen to his own compositions while working.

Next day, in a slightly dodgy-looking stairwell at school. Well, actually, it's just a normal stairwell with bad lighting. Mr Lawrence is on the intercom, issuing an urgent plea for new tuba players for the music club. Melanie and Kathleen skulk down the stairs to meet Wheels and Joey. Joey's wearing some plastic kiddie sunglasses for extra drug-dealer authenticity. He's got a little compartment on the underside of his skateboard, from which he takes out a few tablets. "Is that… drugs?" asks Wheels, the least useful drug-henchman ever.

Joey ignores him and tells the girls that these are the New Zealand Zappers, and they'll be $5 each. Well, they may be mystery tablets sold out of a skateboard by an imbecilic 14-year-old who's wearing sunglasses indoors, but if the price is right… The girls are pretty stingy, or else are having an attack of common sense, so Joey has to goad them into it: "No pay, no play. No tip, no trip. No pills, no thrills." He sounds exactly like the drug dealers off those Very Special War On Drugs Episodes of various '80s cartoons, which is presumably where he got this patter from.

Anyway, his spectacular rhyming ingenuity somehow convinces them that this is the less-stupid thing to do, and they hand over the money. Wheels is watching with a look of utter horror, but obviously has no plans to intervene. Joey tells the girls that they'll be "pushing up dandy-lions" if they tell anyone where they got the pills, and then says to try them. "Instant insanity!" he promises.

When they hesitate (they haven't actually said anything all scene), he takes one of the pills himself, and promptly starts tripping. "Oh… mild… cool… very cool… mild…" he mumbles, then gathers up his henchman and leaves. Wheels anxiously helps him up the stairs.

"You can go first," says Melanie, trying to sound generous. "No, you go first!" says Kathleen. "It was your idea." And I'm sure she'd persist in telling everybody that, forever, if Melanie proceeded to OD and die horribly, because that's the way Kathleen rolls. After a bit more prevarication and mutual accusations of chickenism, they swallow the pills together.

"You feel anything?" asks Kathleen. "Oh yah… cool… very cool…" says Melanie, then rolls her head around in a vaguely druggy way, watching Kathleen out of the corner of her beady eye. Kathleen catches on. "Mild… very mild…" she sighs. Then the giggling starts.

And then three tuba players walk past, presumably on the way to the music club. Or else they've mutinied, and they're the ones the music club is now trying to replace? Sadly, we'll never know. But the girls find it hilarious.

Upstairs, Wheels has grown a conscience, conveniently after the drug-selling is complete. "Selling drugs? Are you crazy?" "They were crazy," says Joey. "Wheels, my man, have a little faith!" He pulls out a huge bottle of vitamin tablets. "I saved these kids from a life of destitution, and gave them nourishing vitamins!" That Joey, he always has kids' best interests at heart.

Mr Raditch's classroom. Melanie and Kathleen come in, laughing hysterically. He gives them an entirely justified stinkeye, and they do that fake-shutting-up thing you do when you're trying to let on that you're not really intimidated. Everyone's staring at at them, and Kathleen's actually red in the face from giggling. Raditch's moustache looks especially huge; I think he may have blow-dried it with a round hairbrush for extra body.

Yick and Arthur come in. Yick shuffles up to Raditch's desk and hands in the essay, and Raditch makes a big show of being impressed that he's handing it in early. Plagiarism is a real time-saver!

The following morning, Arthur and Yick are walking into school. Yick's worrying about Raditch finding out what they did. Arthur says, "Even if he does, it's a scientific experiment! Nothing will go wrong!" …Arthur doesn't know much about science.

Raditch is wearing a white suit that makes him look like a CIA spy unsuccessfully trying to go undercover in Havana. He hands back everybody's essays. Susie is wearing socks with gladiator sandals. Melanie's essay was "very imaginative"; B vitamins are almost as good a source of inspiration as LSD. Little-known fact. Yick gets an A- on Steph's essay. Arthur's delighted, but Yick just looks annoyed.

After school, Yick explains that if he and Steph got different marks for the same essay, it means Mr Raditch is a bad marker. Arthur says it doesn't matter, because it proves Raditch doesn't hate him. Yick says Raditch actually just thinks he's stupid, so he was overimpressed by him handing in a non-dreadful essay and gave him too good a mark. There is no pleasing some people.

Still, Yick masterfully overcomes these doubts he tells Arthur to bring him more of Steph's work. Arthur says that "once is an experiment, but twice is cheating". Actually, once was cheating, too. Twice is just cheating twice. But Yick says slightly menacingly that he has to give him more essays, because he helped Arthur to not suck at basketball. So what is he going to do if Arthur says no – break his fingers? It doesn't matter, though, because Arthur is completely spineless, so of course he'll agree to this.

Later that day, the cause of his spinelessness is in her room, painting her toenails. When Arthur knocks on the door, she hides the nail varnish, which is pointless because you can smell that stuff for an hour after you use it, but I digress. Actually, while I'm digressing, I would like to theorise that Steph is pretending her mother is stricter than she really is, because nobody in their right mind would object to a 14-year-old painting her toenails in winter, when nobody is even going to see it. Steph is just doing this so that she can feel hard-done-by. In later years, this will be refined into an art form known as being an emo kid.

Anyway, in comes Arthur. He returns the essay and then stands there, watching her paint her toenails (a slutty, slutty shade of hospital-décor pink), until she asks him what he wants. He tells her that "the experiment was successful, but the thing about experiments is that they need to be replicated". She looks at him blankly: "Replicated?" I suppose we can blame this on the nail varnish fumes.

Anyway, he gives her some brief pointers on research design, but his point is that he wants another essay. "Are you in some kind of trouble?" she asks, apparently thinking there might be loan sharks or heroin dealers who will let you pay them off with old bits of homework. When Arthur says no, she says he can't have any more essays.

And this is where Arthur discovers a spine! And promptly decides to use his powers for evil! He ever-so-subtly alludes to the fact that he doesn't tell their mother about Steph's hideous skankwear. Steph can see where this is going, and tells him, "That's blackmail!" See, she does have a vocabulary! Arthur just nods, like, "You're really not in a position to negotiate, dollface. It's this or the convent."

Next day, in the school library. Lucy is standing at a rack full of books. Joey and Wheels sleaze over to her. Joey tries to flirt with her, but she just walks away without a word. Nice. The guys busy themselves looking through the books (the one Wheels picks up has a man and woman in a passionate clinch on the cover, and Joey tries to wrest it out of his hands). Melanie and Kathleen come over, along with some background guy I've never seen before and the current Token Wheelchair Girl, and Wheels and Joey anxiously square up for a fight.

A few words on Degrassi's Token Wheelchair Girls: there is always one, who is in the background of every episode, but she changes at least twice over the course of the series. There is never more than one girl at a time. I think accusations of tokenism are justified because only the final girl actually gets a name and plotlines of her own (plotlines which are, of course, exclusively centred around the fact that she is a Wheelchair Girl), but not until Degrassi High.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls want more drugs. (Obviously Melanie's decided that being hooked and having rats and lice aren't so bad after all.) Background Guy and TWG want in on it too. Joey says he'll bring some tomorrow. "You bring the money, I'll make you funny." It'll take a lot more than some cheapass recreational drugs to make Kathleen funny.

Next day, the Stairwell of Druggitude. Mr Lawrence is on the intercom, advertising a talk on "street smarts", as a sunglass-wearing Joey counts out vitamin tablets, accompanied by ominous MIDI music. This guy already has all the street smarts he needs.

A few minutes later, in Mr Raditch's classroom, and the school junkies are giggling again. This place went downhill in no time. Raditch quiets them yet again with his Anti-Giggling Stinkeye (ably backed up by the uptight twin), and announces that everybody's essays were good, and Yick's was especially interesting. "Yes, I was impressed. Not as impressed as I was last year, when I first read this paper." Obviously he was up all night rehearsing that line.

Raditch asks how Yick got the essay, and eventually Arthur owns up. But Yick says that it was Raditch's fault (not an argument likely to get him any leniency) because he made Yick cheat by always giving him bad marks. Arthur says Raditch is bad at his job because Yick and Steph got different marks for the same paper. Raditch protests that "literature is not an exact science", which is true, but we're really not dealing with literature here, are we? To more drug-addled giggling from the New Zealand Zapper kids, Yick complains that Raditch gives people any mark he feels like, and stereotypes them. Raditch rants about "perceived imperfections in the system" and gives them both detention and demands an essay on what they did and why it was wrong. Sad music. Oh the injustice!

Later, in the diner, Steph sits down next to Joey and Wheels (absent-mindedly flashing The Teeth at Shane on the way over) and announces, "We've gotta talk." Both guys seem to think this means there will be sexy talk, although Wheels discreetly moves his drink away from Steph, probably worried that she might drunkenly throw up in it if he's not careful. Joey asks if she wants to come to the mall and help him buy new clothes – if a guy asked me that, I would think he was gently telling me I was Not His Type. Wheels sits there and ogles her in silence. Creepy.

But it turns out that Steph is not here for sexy talk or even clothes talk. "I hear you've been selling drugs," she mumbles. Cut to Kathleen and Melanie at a nearby table. "I don't care what you think," says Stephanie, "but drugs are dangerous!" Wait, is she actually displaying some sort of responsible school-president-type behaviour? How dreadfully disappointing. Joey tells her, "I wouldn't sell drugs, I wouldn't even take them. They wanted drugs so I sold them vitamin pills. They just thought they were stoned!" Melanie and Kathleen listen in horror.

Steph, who's being uncharacteristically ethical all of a sudden, chews him out for swindling the kids out of their money (so it would be better if the drugs were real?), but he tells her that "lessons don't come cheap". Actually, $5 and some public humiliation is extremely cheap, compared to the gothically Tragic Consequences that will come from drug use later on – but I'm getting several years ahead of myself. For now, Melanie and Kathleen look distinctly queasy.

Detention. Wow, Mr Raditch's hair is luxuriant. Arthur is writing but Yick is just sulkily tapping his pen on the desk, until he gets a patented Raditch Stinkeye (he'll wear that eye out if he's not careful). Someone hammers on the door, and Raditch actually wipes the chalk dust off his hands with a towelette before he goes to answer it. A little neurotic, don't you think? It's some woman at the door, asking to speak with him for a moment, with the hyper-clear diction of an actress who knows she may not get any more lines in the show, so she'd better make the most of this one.

Left alone in the classroom, the boys bemoan their lot. Yick thinks it's all Raditch's fault, but Arthur points out that there was the matter of their repeated cheating. Yick is unconvinced and decides he's not going to do the assigment because he "can't write papers". Arthur tells him to make an effort, but Yick takes offence and says not only is he not going to help Arthur with basketball any more, but Arthur is the worst player in the world and has no hope. Not no hope of success, just no hope in general, which is pretty harsh.

Arthur maintains that being crap and trying to improve is still better than cheating – hang on, wasn't the cheating his idea? He does have an impressive talent for bamboozlement, though: before Yick can point out his hypocrisy, Arthur distracts him by listing off his many faults and then claims that Raditch only thinks Yick is dumb because Yick hasn't given him any reason to think he's not. Oh, there's that spine again; this time, he's using his powers for good, but still being kind of a dick about it.

Raditch comes back in, giving them both the frowning of a lifetime just for good measure. Yick starts to write. For no particular reason, we cut to a janitor mopping the hallways, then back to Yick and Raditch in the classroom after Arthur's gone home. There is the most confusing poster on the back wall – it's headed "CONCESSION" in huge letters, as if it was a motivational poster, but the illustration is a sciency diagram of the solar system or something. What?

Anyway, Yick finishes his opus and hands it to Raditch with a Significant Look. Raditch starts to read it. It's a rather widely spaced half an A4 page, which really doesn't qualify as an essay. Plus I'm pretty sure that page has been crumpled up and flattened out several times. I'm getting more and more convinced that Raditch has a point.

Next morning, the Degrassi pill-poppers are gathered outside the school. Melanie's explaining to Token Wheelchair Girl and Background Guy that they've all been scammed.

Cut to Joey checking himself out in the two Playboy mirrors he has inside his locker. Also in there are some bits of Stephanie Kaye propaganda and a poster called "Busts", which shows about 20 different pairs of boobs in unflattering sports bras. What… what the hell? The concept may be pure sleaze, but this is in fact a thoroughly unerotic poster, like something that might be on the wall of a breast doctor's office. A more salacious person than me might speculate that that's why it's here in Joey's locker instead of at home under his mattress, but I'm not a more salacious person than me, so let's move on.

Anyway, he spots his disgruntled clientele reflected in the mirror, and turns around to see if they want "to buy some more". "Some more vitamins, huh?" asks Kathleen. Kathleen is dressed as a preppy boy today: she's wearing these very manly grey slacks, and a sweater vest with a pinstriped shirt underneath. She looks better than usual.

Kathleen and Melanie demand their money back, while Background Guy and Token Wheelchair Girl scowl menacingly. They're obviously not being paid to speak. Joey admits that he spent the money on a ridiculous Hawaiian shirt, then runs for it, pursued by an angry four-person mob of vitamin junkies. Bust-ed! You see? Because of the busts? Ah, forget it.

Later, in the classroom, the kids are quietly working when Mr Raditch announces that he wants to read out an assignment that "one of them wrote". It's about how stereotyping people is wrong, and "this guy I know" apparently doesn't suck royally at basketball after all, and "this other guy I know" supposedly isn't an idiot despite appearances to the contrary. Yick, by the way, has the worst poker face in the history of anything, and is pulling an assortment of silent-movie-grade nonsensical faces while his essay is read out. Way to preserve your anonymity, Yick.

Raditch dismisses the class but calls Yick back. He tells him that the paper really deserves an A, and generously doesn't mention the fact that he assigned him a completely different topic. Yick turns to go, but Raditch asks him for a "clean slate" and for both of them to try harder, and this is apparently as close as he ever gets to offering an apology. Which is not terribly close. He even offers to stop calling him "Mr Yu the Disorganised", which is just as well, because it was the least catchy nickname ever, and I'm sure he's going home to work on something infinitely more hilarious. After a not-at-all-suspenseful period of hesitation, Yick agrees to shake on it. Happy music.

Arthur's opening his locker. Caitlin walks past in a black-and-white leopard-print catsuit of some kind. Yick arrives with his basketball, and we get a glimpse inside Arthur's locker. There's a carefully cut-out photo of a moustached basketball player, and a calendar: this month's picture is a barn owl. I would mock it, but owls are kind of nifty, and anyway I'm too busy feeling relieved that Arthur didn't also have a "Busts" poster, or its companion poster, "Asses in High-Waisted Panties".

Yick asks Arthur if he wants to go practice basketball and then go for a milkshake, if he's not too busy. He knows how to show a boy a good time. Arthur gives it a bit of thought and decides he does have time to hang out with Yick and be henpecked by his sister and cut out photos of sporting heroes. Bless.

Just then, the guys hear someone yelling from inside a broom closet. They open the door, to find Joey inside wearing nothing but his Y-fronts and his hat, which he immediately uses to cover the Y-fronts. For which I am grateful. "Drug-crazed [inaudible]s stole my clothes!" he explains – the early episodes have quite poor sound quality. The missing word might have been "zombies", or it might have been "homies", or it might have been more ludicrous made-up Canadian slang.

Anyway, Arthur and Yick cheerfully shut the door and leave him to starve. At least there does seem to be a urinal in there (or just a giant sink?), although it probably isn't connected to actual plumbing. But I guess you can't have everything.

The boys head to the exit, engaging in some very undemanding basketball-horseplay, and the credits roll.

Dubious lessons of the week: Don't buy drugs from a shady kid you don't know, because they might not really be drugs, and then where would you be? If you do decide to set up as a dealer, your skateboard is a foolproof place to hide your stash. Cheating at your schoolwork will lead to increased understanding and empathy between you and your teachers. Breasts, contrary to popular belief, are not always sexy.

S01 E02 - The Big Dance

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:38:00 +0000

We start with a shot of the Degrassi Digest – the actual one, the school newsletter, and not this blog, because that would just be weird. I'm briefly confused by how ugly it is, because nothing today is this crappily designed, until I remember that it's 1987, Word has only existed for a couple of years, and using a computer to put together a school newsletter is a ludicrous indulgence available only to the five richest kings of Europe.

We pan out to see that the newsletter is being perused by Joseph Stalin, very much alive and apparently hiding out in Canada, waiting until the time is right for a Communist resurgence. While he waits, he's started a family: Voula is in the corner, wearing a hideous apron and doing some kind of kitcheny housework, because ethnic families are old-fashioned. Write that down. She explains to him that she's the editor of the newsletter, and he says he's proud of her (a foothold in the media will help him to spread the revolutionary gospel later on). His Eastern European accent is almost as subtle and understated as Chico Marx's Italian accent.

But his pride is short-lived. He flips past the editorial page (entitled "The voice of Voula!") to find an ad for a dance this Saturday, offering "Fun!" and "Music!". It's worrying that the dance organisers didn't think that fun and music were standard, indispensable components of a dance, and actually felt a need to specify that they were planning on sourcing some fun and music for this dance specifically, and then emphasise this fact with exclamation marks. Unfortunately, Papa Stalin doesn't approve of fun or music. "Vat's thees, a dance? You're too young to go to dance!" he declares. "I don't vant my little girl dancing with boy who got only one thing on mind." "Papa, please!" wails Voula. His response: "Life is like a flower. Let it unfold." That is such a non-answer.

So, ethnic dads, they are old-fashioned. Everybody got that? Good, on to the opening credits.

After the credits, we're back at school. We see a poster declaring that "Only a broomhead would miss this dance!" Oh dear lord, it's one thing to use the word in speech, but committing it to paper is extra hopeless. A bunch of kids walk past, tunelessly tooting on assorted brass instruments, and it reminds me of the random brass bands, naval platoons, and crowds of models who used to wander unremarked around the Great Northern Hotel on Twin Peaks. Maybe David Lynch is secretly a Degrassi fan?

Lucy's talking to the twins, who by the way are now in Grade 8 and called Heather and Erica. Continuity be damned! They're coming over to her place before the dance. "Will your parents mind?" asks a twin (I'll be honest, I can't tell the difference unless they're both saying something very in-character and one of them then addresses the other by name). "No!" says Lucy. "They're loose." This is pretty much Lucy's catchphrase, and is actually a cover-up for the fact that they're neglectful deadbeats, but more on that in a couple of episodes.

Lucy heads off to the toilet, and Voula comes up to the twins. They ask her if she's going to the dance, but before she has to admit to being ethnic, Steph appears and tries to say hello. Voula wildly overreacts, with a blisteringly sarcastic "Oh, the school president is talking to me!!!" Steph looks embarrassed; the twins look like they're trying not to laugh. "Can't we ever be friends?" asks Steph. "Not in a hundred million years!" says Voula, and flounces off. Steph yells that she's being immature, and I can't argue.

Steph goes into the bathroom to change into her hideous skankwear (the fishing net again, draped over what looks like a mutilated polo shirt, and a green suede miniskirt). Lucy comes out of a cubicle (where she was reading the newspaper… nice) and asks her why she doesn't just dress like a hooker at home. Steph, unfastening the tablecloth she was wearing as a skirt, explains that her mom would ground her. "What a hick town," mutters Lucy. "All the parents are like fascists." Well, some kind of totalitarian regime of the mid-20th century, anyway.

Steph, for some reason, doesn't mind being called a hick, and is just amazed that Lucy's parents let her go around "like that". Lucy, for the record, is wearing a huge pink sweatshirt, a below-the-knee gypsy skirt over white leggings, some star earrings I'm kind of envying, a big bandana/scarf thing around her neck, and another one tied around her head. I mean, the sweatshirt is very outmoded now, and two scarves is a bit odd, but no parent aside from Richard Spier could object to this outfit. Your grandmother probably wishes you dressed like this. I have no idea why Steph thinks Lucy's folks would have a problem with it. "I can do whatever I like," says Lucy. "I can go where I want, dress how I want – " and at this point she apparently forgets how that line was supposed to end, because she just turns and leaves the room.

Steph is understandably thrown for a second, but apparently the show's budget won't cover another take, so she just soldiers on with the scene and calls Lucy back. "Have you ever asked a boy out?" "Sure!" says Lucy. "Lots of times!" "And they don't laugh?" "Of course not. Please, Stephanie, this is the '80s!" says Lucy, finally escaping from the bathroom. Heartened by this, Steph starts applying the six pounds of blusher that was de rigeur for the empowered girl of the '80s.

Out in the corridor, Michelle is apparently wearing a pyjama top; Spike is wearing what looks like a home-made Smiths T-shirt, which is a cute touch. Joey appears and goes over to Wheels. Remember Joey's best friend, Hank, from last episode? Hank is gone. You will never see Hank again. Try to forget Hank. Joey has actually just come over to brag to Wheels that he's going to the dance with Steph. "She lusts for my body!" he claims, on little to no evidence; even as he speaks, Steph is turning the terrifying power of her Flirting Grin on Wheels. Joey doesn't even notice that Wheels is smiling back at Steph, over Joey's shoulder. This isn't going to end well.

The girls go into the classroom. "He's SEW sexy!" says Steph. "What, Wheels?" asks one twin. "Well, he is better than some of the others," groans the other twin. "That's not saying much," the first twin admits, which I think is kind of rude considering that Snake and Shane are right behind them, about to sit down at their desks. Snake is wearing knee-length bright yellow shorts and a yellow shirt; his fashion choices are unusually car-crashy for a guy.

Steph, by the way, is wearing the most bizarre piece of jewellery: it resembles a bolo tie, only with fake pearls instead of a string, and ending a couple of inches below the… fasteny bit. Look, I'm sorry if my knowledge of bolo-tie terminology is deficient, ok?

OMG! Snake and Shane have super-powers! There's certainly no other explanation for how they are now suddenly back outside the classroom, walking towards it again. I mean, sure the scene might just have been lazily stage-managed, with nobody bothering to check basic issues of continuity, but… nah. Teleportation it is. Oh, also there's some kind of dialogue going on between Joey and Wheels in the foreground? Joey admits that he hasn't actually asked Steph to the dance yet, but he definitely will. Wheels looks perturbed.

Joey comes into the classroom and attempts a bit of flirting with Steph. She and the twins listen with not-at-all-concealed scorn; but if the best he can come up with is "When Jeremiah hits the floor, they always ask for more", I don't know what he was expecting. Mid-flirt, Wheels comes in and sits down at his desk. Steph ogles him like an ogly thing.

In comes Ms Avery, wearing some new Native American beadwork. Still left-wing, huh? Hilariously, the class greets her in unison as "Miss Avery", meaning that her lecture from last episode has been completely ignored. Voula gets up to speak to the class. She explains that Degrassi Junior High is planning to sponsor a foster child (at which the kids cheer with completely unrealistic enthusiasm, except for Steph, who's ostentatiously ignoring Voula). Unfortunately, nobody's actually thought how they're supposed to raise money for the sponsorship (I would have thought this was kind of a basic consideration?) so she asks for ideas.

Lucy suggests charging a dollar's admission to the dance and giving the money to the foster child. Everyone's wildly excited by this for some reason; Steph and Wheels take advantage of the diversion and ogle each other. Lucy also suggests that Voula should present the cheque at the end of the night, but Voula flails and says Steph should do it, as the school president. Steph icily agrees. Fade out to the sound of Ms Avery telling the class that sponsoring a foster child is great and it's important to help people less fortunate blah blah blah LEFT-WING.

All very nice, but "sponsoring a foster child" doesn't make any damn sense. Sponsoring and fostering are different things! And they keep using this expression and it is really bugging me.

After school, Lucy and Voula are walking out together, and Lucy is going on about how Voula should present the cheque, "not a broomhead like Stephanie". Damn. Lucy is actually one of my favourite characters in this, but I respect her less for using that word. Voula bursts out, "I'm probably not going to go to the dance! I've got too much homework."

Lucy is utterly appalled and says that Voula has the rest of her life to do homework. If I thought I was going to have to do homework for the rest of my life, I would kill myself; homework does actually end when you leave education, you know. Voula eventually admits that Papa Stalin won't let her to go to the dance. "Voula," says Lucy with an air of great worldliness, "it's all how you bring up your parents. You've gotta educate them, or they'll walk all over you. My parents are real loose." Everybody drink!

"My parents are nice!" Voula protests. "Just kind of old-fashioned. They come from a really little village." Funny, I thought Moscow was pretty big, but I suppose Voula knows best. "Don't you want to go?" asks Lucy, who's now putting on lipstick. "I'd love to!" says Voula. "Well, even parents can be reasonable, if you give them a chance. Ask again!" says Lucy. Yes, because parents love nagging. Voula gathers up her courage and asks to borrow Lucy's lipstick. Lucy looks kind of baffled that Voula is so tentative about it, but shares it anyway. Aww, female bonding.

That night, back at the Stalin residence, Voula's doing the cooking. For some reason they're having nothing but slices of bread for dinner. "Papa?" she asks. "What is it?" asks Joe, who's going through paperwork while drinking a brimming glass of wine. Booze always makes doing the household accounts much more fun! "Nothing," Voula mumbles. "Must be big nothing," he answers, and I'm sure he's playing up the ethnic accent for that line. Also, I think his shirt is made of graph paper.

Unfortunately, when Voula brings over the bread, he notices the lipstick, and makes her take it off. Ethnic dads are old-fashioned. Seriously. "You're just a little girl," he says. "It takes a long time to grow up." Studies have shown there's no quicker way to alienate a teenager than with a line like that. "So vat vas it you vere going to ask?" Voula tells him that there's this "thing" at school on Saturday, to do with the foster child, and it's utterly non-dance-like – in fact, it's "just like school", and it's in the evening, "so we could be with our family and do our homework during the day" (nice one), and, in fact, it is a meeting. Yeeeees, a meeting. That'll do. Stalin says she can go, in a voice that suggests he stopped listening some time ago, but adds that she has to be home by 9.30. Gee, I wonder if that curfew will be important in some way later on?

Next morning, in the girls' bathroom. Steph is wearing maybe her worst top yet. It's not particularly revealing, just bizarre: imagine if you had a shirt that was white with a ridiculous print of cars and tropical trees on it, and it had a really high collar that you wore up, and then you cut off the sleeves completely, and also cut out most of the back, from nearly the bottom of your back up to the bottom of the collar, so that it resembled a halter-top with a shirt collar. That's what she's wearing. With a huge plastic necklace. Also, she's wearing a lot of blue eyeshadow and is assiduously back-combing her hair as she practices crappy chat-up lines in the mirror. To her horror, a flushing sound from behind reveals that there's actually someone in one of the cubicles, and we just glimpse Nancy in the mirror, giving her a nicely eloquent smirk as she comes out of the cubicle. Heh.

Meanwhile Joey and Wheels come into the building together. "This is the day I ask Stephanie to the dance. She'll remember this day for the rest of her life," Joey announces. Wheels gives him a patronising smile, but Joey isn't the kind of guy who notices these things. Steph pops up out of nowhere and comes over to the guys. Joey tries to motion Wheels away, but before he can go, Steph asks to talk to Wheels alone. Joey does a terrible job of hiding how annoyed he is, but goes off, muttering something about polishing his nails. Wow, Joey invented metrosexuality?

Steph frogmarches Wheels into a cupboard full of gym supplies for some reason, hits him with the full-scale Flirting Grin, and asks him to the dance. Wheels, brave man that he is, doesn't run screaming, not even a little bit, and in fact agrees to go with her. Joey overhears and runs off. Awww. When Wheels is gone, Steph does a victory squee. Her hair is so wide, she looks like a badly dressed mushroom.

Saturday night. Steph is rehearsing her speech for the dance and bundling some kind of silver outfit into her bag. Voula comes downstairs in a fugly purple skirt and a hideous ethnic/Victorian plaid blouse that we may or may not have seen before – it's hard to tell these… things… apart. Her dad is doing the dishes (!) and reminds her that if she doesn't get home by 9.30, he's going to the school to pick her up. They're sure emphasising this 9.30 thing, but I'm sure it won't be relevant. Wheels is in a tiny bathroom. He asks "Dad" if he can borrow some aftershave, and a disembodied voice mumbles "OK, sure." Unperturbed by the apparent hauntedness of his bathroom, Wheels pours out a handful of some bright blue stuff that looks more like mouthwash to me, and rubs it all over his face and neck.

Lucy's chilling on the couch, reading a huge book about "MOVIES". Voula knocks at the door, and Lucy goes to let her in. She's wearing leopard-print leggings and a bright orange top with a jagged hem which looks like something you might cobble together if you had to go to a fancy-dress party as Wilma Flintstone on short notice. When she sees Voula's "outfit", she chokes out a polite compliment, but obviously even Voula knows how bad her clothes are, because she quickly explains that she brought other stuff to change into. "I'm so excited!" she sighs. "My first dance." Her misplaced optimism about a junior-high dance is utterly adorable. Judging by the look on her face, Lucy feels the same way I do.

Another knock at the door, and it's the twins, plus Steph. The twins remark on how posh the house is, but Lucy retorts, "This dump? You should have seen our loft in Manhattan." This is a breathtakingly rude response, but the others don't seem to notice. Steph's heading towards the stairs when Voula comes down. She's wearing heels (!!), a not-completely-terrible skirt with random sparkly bits, and a peasant blouse that isn't as terrible as her usual peasant blouses, but is such a morbid shade of hospital-décor blue that it makes me want to cry.

She and Steph exchange awkward glares, and Voula announces she's leaving for the dance right now. Lucy and the twins tell her to save some boys for them. Given that Steph will be there in a Steph outfit, I think it's probably not Voula they need to worry about.

Outside the school, Voula's greeted by some extras. I don't get a proper look at their outfits but one of them is wearing a blouse made from that brown swirly carpet that old people have in their living rooms. Snake is sitting outside in sunglasses, apparently for ogling purposes.

Aaaargh. This dance looks so fucking depressing. There's hardly anyone there, the gym is way too brightly lit and full of random folding chairs and crates and things, and there's a huge banner reading "DEGRASSI'S BENEFIT DANCE TO SUPPORT A FOSTER CHILD !!", which I think is the least catchy name for a social event in human history. Wheels is wandering around aimlessly in a pair of obscenely tight pants, there's a kid in the background wearing what I swear is a man's nightshirt over white tapered trousers, and Ms Avery is wearing the kind of horrible floral dress that your mother might have worn to the wedding of a distant relative in 1985, if your mother was a particularly bad dresser and didn't like the relative or approve of the marriage.

Voula doesn't know any better, though, and she wanders into the gym looking utterly spellbound and mumbling, "Wow! Fantastic…" rather loudly to herself, until she's called over to a table by a very miserable-looking Caitlin. I would blame her misery on the dance, but Caitlin's always miserable about something. Meanwhile, Arthur is dancing with Nightshirt Kid. Mr Raditch makes a deeply cringeworthy speech, in which he refers to himself as "your disc jockey, Rompin' Rockin' Raditch", and claims that he'll be playing "the kind of music YOU wanna hear". If any teacher at my school had made that speech, he would have been lucky to escape physical violence, but apparently Canadian kids are way more willing to humour this kind of behaviour, because they just laugh politely.

Back at Lucy's house, the girls are having a generic teen whinge about how their parents treat them like kids, when one twin notices the huge amount of booze on the kitchen counter. "If you want to drink, go ahead," says Lucy. "But what about your parents?" asks the other twin. "Oh, they're loose," she says. Drink! And apparently the twins are playing the Lucy's Parents Drinking Game too, because this is the signal for them to start boozing.

Just then, Steph comes down the stairs, in a pair of bright pink leggings, and you know the way leggings have to be worn with a long top, otherwise they just look kind of obscene? Well, she's not wearing a long top. (A blue boob tube and a shirt made out of one of those foil blankets they give you for shock, since you asked.) And it looks kind of obscene.

She's amazed to find the twins drinking, but when they act surprised that she's never been drunk, she insists that she has in fact been drunk lots of times, and starts swigging whiskey from a bottle. Lucy looks appropriately concerned when she realises that her friends obviously have no idea what they're doing, but she's not the meddling type.

Meanwhile, at the dance, Joey turns up in a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and a straw sunhat – seriously, have none of these kids ever even seen a disco on TV? Nightshirts and sunhats! Joey comes up to Wheels and theatrically smells him, claiming his aftershave smells like oven cleaner, but Wheels just smirks at him, and then foolishly lets slip that he doesn't know where Stephanie is. Joey is delighted at this, and goes over to mess with Mr Raditch's stack of records. Mr Raditch literally slaps his hand away. Ha!

At Lucy's, the girls are laughing idiotically and drinking from assorted bottles, while Lucy watches from the couch. Suddenly her mom phones. Lucy calls her mom by her first name! How daring and liberal and, dare I say, loose! She then hangs up, just in time to watch Steph downing an entire glass full of Bailey's, a sight which makes me feel vaguely queasy. Not as queasy as it will shortly make Steph, though.

Aw, how cute! Arthur's asking Voula to dance! Well, actually what they do is stand several feet apart, grin nervously at each other, and sway arrhythmically from side to side, but I suppose that's as close as two such hopeless geeks will ever get to actual dancing. A briefly non-miserable Caitlin is dancing with Joey, straw sunhat and all. Wheels is sulking at a table.

Outside, the girls are stumbling drunkenly towards the school, bellowing the school song. Steph falls over at one point. Alexa is sulking outside the door in a power suit for some reason, and Spike and Shane are having what looks like a Deep Talk in the hallway. I've seen real grown-up TV shows, made on actual budgets, that could learn a few things about foreshadowing from this show.

Finally, the girls make it into the gym, and Steph sleazes over to Wheels. Her greeting is a classic: "Oh Wheeeels, you're SO SEXY! …Are you wearing mosquito repellent?" Meanwhile Lucy explains to Voula that Steph's "been drinking", conveniently neglecting to mention that she's the one who supplied her with unlimited hard liquor.

Mr Raditch announces something called the "Annual Degrassi Junior High Crazy Dance". Cue some obstinately sane jumping up and down from the kids. It turns out that jumping wildly while spinning your head around really fast is sort of a bad idea when you're incredibly drunk, because Steph suddenly stops and runs off, with her hand to her mouth. The girls follow her into the bathroom, just in time to hear some deeply unpleasant vomiting noises from one of the cubicles.

Back in the gym, Wheels resignedly goes back to his Sulkin' Table.

Steph is done throwing up and is now washing her face. She looks at herself in the mirror (she's even more terrifying than usual, due to the goth-style smudged mascara) and mumbles that she'll never be able to face Wheels again. A twin unhelpfully points out that she'd "better get better real quick" because she has to present this confusing foster-sponsorship cheque. People always get better when you tell them to get better. But strangely, the only effect it has on Steph is to make her sit down on the floor in a pool of self-pity and whine, "Somebody else has to do it! …Somebody? Please?" The twins look at her in a half-heartedly pitying way that makes it very clear they have no intention of helping. Worse still, Lucy suddenly decides she hasn't facilitated enough trouble tonight, and runs off to get Voula.

Just now, Voula's in the midst of some passionate slow-dancing with Arthur. Unfortunately, it's time for her to leave, or her clothes will magically turn back into plaid monstrosities. And thus ends the only action either of these two will ever get. Anyway, she's grabbed on her way out by Lucy, who ignores her protests and drags her off to the toilets.

Dun-dun-dun! Papa Stalin is pulling up outside.

Steph is still on the bathroom floor, looking angsty, when Voula and Lucy come in. Voula is making a snide remark about how Stephanie is "good at making speeches", but Lucy just points at Steph and says, "But look. She's so sick." The word is drunk, Lucy. D-R-U-N-K. Drunkety drunk drunk drunk.

Ethnic Dad gets out of his car and goes into the school building. Shane and Spike are now sitting on the steps, and he's got his arm around her. Stalin shoots them a dirty look; for once, his distrust of lecherous North American youth is not misplaced. Inside the gym, he sees more horrors. There are kids slow-dancing! To some pretty awful music! And a disco ball! Those things are an invitation to sin. Ms Avery goes up onto the stage with a hairy charity guy in a tweed suit, and asks for a big round of applause for Stephanie. Lucy runs up and gives her some kind of cover story, and Ms Avery, apparently used to last-minute drunken emergencies of this kind, cheerfully announces Voula instead. Nobody seems to have noticed Stalin, who's lurking at the back of the hall. We can only see the back of his head, but it looks pissed.

Voula makes a very sweet speech about how she and her classmates raised money for charity to show that kids aren't selfish, and are aware of the problems of the wider world, etc. Now, in any normal TV show, this is where they'd cut to Voula's dad, his icy stony heart melting out of its icy stony ways when he sees that his daughter is a good kid really, and only disobeyed him for a good cause, and we'd be all set for a heartwarming reconciliation. But this is Degrassi Junior High, and he's an Ethnic Dad, and he's just stomping steadily towards the podium with a Face o'Doom that makes me want to yelp in terror and hide behind the couch. Impressively, Voula manages to hold it together long enough to finish her speech, at which point he grabs her arm and drags her out of the room. Classy guy.

Back in the bathroom, Stephanie's alone and barefoot on the floor in the dark, the sound of a dripping tap adding some extra squalor to the scene, like it wasn't squalid enough already.

Voula and her dad are arguing out in the hall. Voula claims that "everyone else in the whole world gets to go to dances", which suggests she maybe isn't so up on the Third World as her speech would have us believe.

Lucy comes in to check on Steph, who's really milking this. Lucy offers to let Steph come home with her to get changed into her normal clothes, and I can't decide if she's being way nicer than Steph deserves or is just desperate for company because her parents are deadbeats.

Out in the hall, Stalin is yelling, "Your mama didn't go to dance till she vas sixteen!" Voula sensibly points out that it's no longer the 1890s and they are no longer living in Generic Eastern European Country, but Ethnic Dads have no time for Canadian logic. Even when she points out that the dance was for a good cause, he answers, "You lied, Voula. That cannot change!" Ah, ethnic dads. Old-fashioned to the last.

"I feel like such a broomhead," moans Stephanie, who's apparently progressed to the "eerily lucid self-awareness" stage of drunkenness. Lucy helps her out of the bathroom and down the hall, while Stephanie rambles about phoning everyone to apologise for her actions (wow, she's skipped straight to the "joining a 12-step programme" stage) and getting her mother to make her cocoa. Which I think will only make her more sick, but I don't really care as long as we don't have to hear her vomit again.

The girls walk away, and we're left with an unutterably bleak shot of the hallway in semi-darkness, a banner for the dance on the wall and deflating balloons discarded on the floor. It's a heartbreaking visual metaphor for all the shattered girlish hopes and dreams of what this dance would be, and, by extension, for everything tragic and disappointing in this world.

They really could have picked a better image to freeze on for the end credits.

Dubious lesson of the week: Ethnic families are old-fashioned, and the fathers are brutal autocrats with hearts of stone, fists of iron, and moustaches of pure hate. If you lie to your parents for a good cause, don't think that'll change anything: they'll still be mad at you when they find out. Also, if you get unspeakably drunk before you have to give a speech, you'll probably spend the evening vomiting – but there'll be some minion you can guilt-trip into covering for you, so try not to worry too much.

S01 E01 - Kiss Me, Steph

noreply@blogger.com (Ms Avery) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:18:00 +0000

We start on the lawn in front of the school. Steph is striding militantly down the sidewalk, dressed in a gigantic blue skirt and white blouse, with a purple sweater knotted over her shoulders a la someone in a yachting catalogue. She looks like a preppy tent.

Arthur spots her and calls out, and she pretends not to know him, only he won't stop yelling so she has to turn around. In principle, I'm on his side here, but considering he has not one but two fountain pens clipped onto the neckband of his T-shirt, I can sort of understand how she feels. Arthur apparently doesn't know he's a geek and is thus confused that his sister is ignoring him, so she rolls her eyes and says that he's not allowed talk to her and she doesn't want anyone to know that they're related. He still doesn't get it, so she expositions that since their parents split up, and he lives with Dad and she lives with Mom, she's enterprisingly taking the opportunity to cut loose all her style-cramping male relatives (and swap Dad's Polish surname for Mom's Anglo one, presumably in preparation for a career in showbiz). "It's not you," she protests, "it's the system! I'm in Grade 8, so I'm important. You're in Grade 7, so you're, like, totally embarrassing." Ouch. As she flounces away, Arthur looks baffled but not that upset; clearly, he knows when he's on to a good thing.

Epic opening credits are epic. Inside the school, Steph exchanges some awkward, apparently improvised, chit-chat with Shane and Rick before going into the girls' bathroom. Here she has an overwrought reunion with Voula, who is wearing a lace-trimmed plaid blouse with a high neck and a bib, because her people are immigrants. Also, Deirdre glasses. In an uncharacteristically generous gesture, Steph has bought her a silver bangle "from one best friend to another", although actually it looks like half a pair of handcuffs. Voula is thrilled by this emblem of servitude. Steph tells Voula about her callous abandonment of her brother, and Voula is, ironically, entirely cool with this. Don't let the bracelet fool you, girl: Stephanie Kaye will chew you up and spit you out. With hilarious results.

Although I can't blame her for maybe getting a little distracted from the conversation at this point: Steph has casually started to strip. Underneath, she's wearing an outfit that's more or less a direct rip-off of Olivia Newton-John's in Grease. "What are you doing?" asks Voula, sounding as horrified as I feel. Steph's top is so revealing that I feel violated having to look at it. "This is Grade 8!" says Steph. "We're supposed to be more mature, so I'm going to start dressing more mature." Actually, her previous outfit was way more mature, in the sense of "a woman of mature years", but I don't think that's what she meant.

Arthur shuffles into school and interrupts a bizarrely warm-hearted reunion between Joey and Doris (the school secretary) to ask for directions. Joey introduces himself as "Joey Jeremiah Esquire, Chairman of the Welcoming Committee" and forces Arthur into some kind of '80s gangland handshake. Arthur looks appropriately terrified.

Back in the bathroom, Steph has backcombed her hair and is applying bright blue eyeshadow and a vast amount of blusher; she looks like Madonna with consumption. Voula watches in open-mouthed horror (even with the poor image quality, I think Steph has kind of a hairy belly). Mr Lawrence announces over the intercom that the school elections are coming up. The girls talk about what they'd do if they were president, and Steph fantasises about making sure there was less homework (perhaps slightly overestimating the powers of a school president to make curriculum decisions) and more dances. Ah, politics! She then ogles herself in the mirror, and decides to run for president. Not two activities that should ever be combined unless your name is Barack Obama. Voula encourages this reprehensible decision. Voula, there are people who do evil, and there are people who see evil being done and do nothing to stop it.

Joey continues to escort Arthur, exchanging high-fives and Freemason handshakes with one and all, and finally manages to simultaneously introduce him to some guy called Hank and usher him into a broom closet. "What a broomhead," says Hank. And thus is born one of the stupidest insults in TV history. Down the hall, Voula and Steph emerge from behind Spike's hair, already planning the campaign. Joey's eyes pop out on sticks. Steph is working some kind of Celebrity Grin, and… I know it's not nice to harsh on people's appearance, especially kids. But I'm assuming everyone grew up OK-looking in the end, and it would be dishonest of me to ignore this: her teeth are just bad. These are Bad Teeth They are huge but also have huge spaces in between them, and the effect is not pretty. Teeth like this are the reason braces were invented. And a toothy grin is one of her main flirting moves. But strangely, nobody seems to mind.

In the classroom, Voula greets LD. LD is a tomboy because she's wearing shorts and a baseball cap and announces, "My dad let me work on a '59 Chevy!" Steph laughs at her but LD does a pretty classy job of ignoring her. Which is an essential survival skill if you go to school with Steph. Joey sleazes over to Steph and introduces himself as "Joey Jeremiah, playboy. Wanna play?" It's Steph's turn to look horrified. Not a nice feeling, is it?

Luckily, before this can go any further, Mr Raditch comes into the room, his demeanour oozing tough-but-fairness, and says he hopes they've brought their "malleable little minds" with them. Degrassi has always been at war with Eurasia. Also, Spike's punk friend Lisa is sitting in the room, although she's later going to turn up as a "new student". I've watched this show too many times.

Out in the hall, Yick is looking for his classroom when he hears Arthur (who has been screwed over twice this morning but for some reason still hasn't lost his faith in humanity) calling for someone to let him out of the broom closet. Yick lets him out, and it turns out they're both looking for Ms Avery's class. "It's gotta be somewhere," says Arthur. No wonder he was valedictorian at primary school! "Two heads are better than one, unless you've only got one hat." Yick politely (if a little too forgivingly) pretends not to hear this last bit.

Ms Avery is writing "WELCOME STUDENTS!" on her blackboard in that bubble-writing that was the last word in funkiness, circa 1989. It's multicoloured and everything, and looks like it took her about half an hour to do. She is dressed in a shiny pink shoulder-padded shirt and matching skirt, with some sort of Native American beadwork strung across the front. Oh, and there's a mother-of-pearl wind mobile thing hanging in the corner. I think she's left-wing. "My name is Ms Avery. Ms. M. S. Ms Avery." Yes, definitely one of those feminists I've heard so much about. She calls the roll (for some reason, one of the twins is called Stacy in this episode) and sees Yick and Arthur hanging around outside, and lets them in. "This is a very confusing school," whines Arthur. She does that sarcastically impressed look that people do when someone offers really unhelpful criticism. Rick is sitting down the back and seems to be chewing a huge wad of tobacco.

Unbelievably, Mr Raditch is drawing the entire weekly timetable on his blackboard and making the kids copy it down while he explains the concept of a timetable. You heard me. Steph leans over and tells Voula that she can't write speeches, so Voula delightedly volunteers to do all the work for her. Wow, these minions just oppress themselves! Raditch shuts them up with a moustached glower, and Steph, horrifyingly, seems to be trying to smoulder at him. Or maybe she just has too much under-eye eyeshadow. I didn't even know that was a thing. She also either has a sweaty face or some kind of sparkly stuff on her cheekbones; I think she's taken Claudia Kishi as inspiration.

An election-poster montage. Voula has made about 8,000 posters. More bubble writing, plus that military-style stencil writing that was also popular then (I remember finally getting a letter stencil of my own in about 1994, and being inordinately chuffed). Arthur raises his eyebrows at the sight of Steph wearing some sort of rag wrapped vaguely around her torso, but she and Voula give him matching glares, so he shuffles away. I get the feeling he'll one day marry someone who makes his life hell.

In the library, Voula is painstakingly colouring in yet another poster, the clanking of her symbolic bangle never letting her forget who's boss. Steph is attempting to read her Voula-scripted speech, demanding various earnest things (including more information about family planning. Which would actually have been kind of a good idea, as we'll later find out. Oh well). Meanwhile, Joey and Wheels sit about two feet away and wolf-whistle at her. There's a scene of Steph back-combing her hair some more, as we hear her reading her speech about how "being president is a responsibility not to be taken lightly". Is there some sort of lesson to be learnt here? Nah, probably not.

Yick's in a broom cupboard. Arthur lets him out. Yick: "I met Joey." I am really impatient for Joey to drop this joke and start drug dealing.

Out on the steps, Steph is making her speech again. Enthusiastic cheers for family planning and, uh, current events. Nothing to do with the miniskirt and low-cut top. No siree. Voula (in an Austen Powers-style frilly shirt with a Victorian cameo brooch) is mouthing the words of the speech to her from the bottom of the steps, as a sort of primitive Autocue. After the speech, Snake (in some kind of Capri pants for some reason) goes to the top of the steps and starts playing his electric guitar, ostensibly as backing for his own campaign speech, but actually to provide a "funky" soundtrack for the rest of the scene. As one of my friends points out, Snake's a really talented guitar player, because you can clearly hear drums and a bass as well, and not many people can get those kinds of sounds out of a guitar. Anyway, Joey comes over and starts sleazing again, and then does that cheesy thing of kissing her hand and all the way up her arm. Voula disapproves mightily, but Wheels offers to vote for Steph in exchange for a kiss. Pretty quickly all of the boys are queuing up to kiss her, while Voula gapes and Arthur and Yick watch from the bushes. "It's sexism!" mutters LD to some liberal type we'll never see after this episode (you can tell she's liberal because she has a beret and lots of eyeliner).

Later, still on the steps. For a second it looks like Arthur and Yick are going fishing, but it turns out they're carrying walkie-talkies with metre-long aerials. Turns out they have a dumbass plan to avoid Joey by, um, communicating via walkie-talkie. Look, whatever. It's stupid. Anyway, Arthur finds Joey outside the girls' toilets, at the head of a group of hormonal teenage boys chanting, "All the way with Stephanie Kaye!" She should have stuck with Kobalowski, it's really hard to make a licentious rhyme out of that.

Inside the bathroom, Voula is protesting, "Kissing's got nothing to do with the campaign!" "It's politics," says Steph from between gritted choppers. "All the boys are gonna vote for me. Two or three times, some of them." Wow, she has a natural flair for electoral fraud. How nice for her. Voula points out that the girls don't like it, but Steph sneers, "I don't need the girls." Oooooooh.

Steph comes out of the bathroom (wearing an unusually modest tube top) and announces a new manifesto: rock on the PA and co-ed swimming. Voula and Snake look majorly pissed off. Arthur pulls this face D-: and it looks hilarious. In about ten seconds, the discussion degenerates into calls for Steph to get naked. "Vote for Stephanie Kaye and who's to say what'll happen," leers Joey. Steph at least has the grace to look pretty disturbed by this. "Talk about unfeminist!" wails Beret Girl. Steph shushes the leching masses and announces that she'd like to thank one person in particular, who's done so much and been such a wonderful friend – Joey. "Oh ya!" he cheers, Canadianly. Voula storms off past Arthur, who looks at her like, "At least you never had to live with her. I'm already saving my pocket money for therapy."

Voting montage, accompanied by someone playing the school song on a really cheap keyboard. Cut to a politics class taught by Mr Raditch. "Of course, with three of you involved in the election, you'll already know something about the democratic system." Ha! I assume he means "how to subvert said system by appealing to the lowest common denominator". Speaking of which, the principal announces over the PA that Steph has won. Cue horror from the girls, high-fives from the boys, and a howling in the distance that I think is Germaine Greer. Close-up on Steph's victory grin, which she really ought to try and keep to a minimum. It's nearly as unsettling as her flirting grin. Joey actually gets out of his seat to hug her, until Mr Raditch tells him to "save that for the pool room". They have a pool room? Or does he just mean it as a figure of speech, for sleazy dives in general? Shane is wearing a bright yellow "No Smoking" t-shirt. And yet, one day soon he will get laid.

Once the class is over, Voula runs off in a sulk, and Steph tries to chase her but is waylaid by Suzie Rivera, the adorably enthusiastic vice-president. Suzie goes on about how she wants to go into politics and her parents will be so proud and she ran for office for All The Right Reasons, and there are student council meetings coming up and apparently being student president involves some kind of responsibility or something? Steph looks vaguely baffled to have encountered someone who isn't interested in flirting with her, but manages this quite impressive technique of wordlessly flirting with general ambient males while not actually taking her eyes off Suzie. Today she's wearing a tube top with (apparently) a fishing net draped randomly on top of it, and a bike chain looped around her waist as a belt. Her hair at this point is so big that I think it's starting to steal nutrients from the rest of her.

But what's this? Steph is summoned to see Doris, who reminds her that she has to make a speech at the PTA meeting next week. Steph reacts like Doris said "human sacrifice" or "public acknowledgment of your brother" instead of "speech". The theme tune plays, really slowly, because she's sad.

Joey and Hank have abducted Arthur and are literally carrying him along the hall. He's not struggling, because he grew up with Steph and he has long since given up. They put him in a locker, which, from the amount of Steph merchandise in it, would seem to be Joey's, only it also has a Popular Science cover taped up inside. I guess it's from that one time Popular Science did a special issue on the effects of fedora-wearing on reproductive success. Steph comes along just as they bundle him inside, and seems put out – possibly because it's the stupidest form of bullying ever, and she expected better from Joey, which is always a mistake. Joey's astounded that she knows this "gerp" (seriously, '80s Canadian insults are ridiculous). She distracts the guys by whining about her speech, and Arthur manages to escape as Joey feebly tries to convince her that he can write it. Steph and her hair go off in search of reliable speechwriter Voula.

Unfortunately, Voula is still mad at Steph for thanking Joey and ignoring her. "Oh, that," says Steph. "Sorry, but, you know." Worst excuse-making in history. Although her next comment, "Boys like that sort of thing!" comes a close second. Voula throws off the Shackle-Bracelet of Friendship Symbolism, and storms off, declaring, "You're on your own, Miss President – you and your new image." Don't worry, Voula, it takes time to learn how to make a good cutting remark. I have a ball; perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

In the bathroom, Steph gets ready to put on her nun clothes in preparation for going home. I think my granny had that shirt in 1980. Then she starts talking to herself about how she'll be the best school president ever. First sign of madness, that. Well, not specifically talking about being school president, but you know what I mean.

Outside the school, Arthur hides behind a tree until Steph comes out. He's adapted way too easily to being treated as a shameful secret. He thanks her for saving him, and clumsily tries to bond with her, which she more or less ignores. When she admits to being worried about the speech, he offers to help her, but she's spectacularly dismissive. He takes this better than I would (i.e., doesn't punch her in the face) and skips cheerfully homewards. But! Steph calls him back, and admits, "I need you!" He's pathetically happy to hear this. Steph forces her face into a non-flirtatious smile. End credits.

Dubious lesson of the week: If you try to cheat at democracy through low-level prostitution, nobody will respect you, but you will become successful politically. And don't worry if your geeky best friend dumps you because you sold out the sisterhood and treated her like crap – there's always someone else who's so desperate for approval that they'll be delighted to be used by you.