Coaching Call #053 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: Negative People Follow Her Everywhere/Shifting Bad Self-Esteem.

This Virtual Assistant has issues with setting boundaries – the people she meets always start out really positive, but soon they being to complain and bring her down. How can she turn them around or get away from them without being a bitch or losing her clients?

In the course of this call, we also hit upon the issue of low self-esteem and how to turn it around. The answer is deceptively simple and may surprise you. If you struggle with negative people, this call is for you.

Read the call summary here.

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Meet Sue. Sue is a Law of Attraction Student. She understands that she creates her own reality, that her emotions are indicators of whether or not her thoughts are serving her, and that she’s much, MUCH more powerful than she’s been led to believe. Yes, Sue’s got it down pat. Only, her actual physical reality doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo. While she understands how her reality is created theoretically, in practicality, nothing seems to be changing. If you’re feeling like Sue, today’s blog post is for you.

What “Stuckness” really is

We can’t actually ever be “stuck”. Our reality is not static. We can’t actually be caught in a state where nothing is changing. We are constantly creating, constantly shifting into a new reality. Each and every moment of every day, we are moving from one reality to another. When we feel as though we’re stuck, we’re simply moving from one reality into another one that looks exactly the same. In other words, we are attracting the same exact circumstances over and over again. And so, our douchebag boss never changes, our bank account never seems to be able to get past a certain number, and the soul mate we want to attract never comes.

The stuckness, however, is a total illusion. The douche-y boss from today is not actually the same one from yesterday. They’re just very, very similar. As I explained in the Schroedinger’s Cat post, we are constantly moving from one reality to another, with infinite possibilities being presented to us. These possibilities are only limited by our beliefs and expectations. So, if you expect your boss to be a douche, you line up with yet another reality where he is one. Your reality can never prove your expectation wrong. Ever. Yep, I’ll say that again: Your reality can never prove your expectation wrong. You should probably get that tattooed on your body somewhere.

People can be stuck in a repeating cycle of very similar (and generally unwanted) realities for a long time, but breaking out of this cycle isn’t all that hard once you know how. And yes, today I’ll be telling you how. Because I’m freaking awesome like that. You’re welcome.

Step #1 – Change your expectations

Breaking out of your stuckness can be done in one of two ways. You can use one or the other, or for even faster results (because I know you’re a bunch of ambitious little buggers), do both.

The first way is to change your expectations. Now, I’ve written about this topic before, but it bears repeating. If you take the time before an event occurs to create a positive expectation, you can actually change the outcome. I call this being the Ultimate Control Freak, LOA style.

Let’s say that Sue is going to a party. Here are the possible outcomes and their causes:

Scenario #1: Sue has a horrible time at the party. She feels bored and awkward and out of place. She goes home depressed, feeling like she’s never going to make any real friends, much less find a boyfriend. She’s just going to be a loser all her life.

The Cause: Without even realizing it, Sue had a negative expectation before going to the party. The proof that this negative expectation exists is that she had a negative experience. She may not be conscious of the thoughts that lined her up with this event, but they were there. Guaranteed. And Sue’s reality could not prove her expectation wrong, therefore, she got exactly what she “knew” he would.

Scenario #2: Sue has a great time at the party. Without any conscious action on her part, Sue was swept up by a group of people having a great time, by the music that was playing and by seeing a hot guy as soon as she entered the room. Possibly, the five glasses of vino she had didn’t hurt, either. Sue is slightly surprised that her night turned out so great, but has no real idea how it happened. She considers this good luck; a random, positive event that she can only hope will repeat itself.

The Cause: Sue, while possibly somewhat negatively focused, was open to the idea of having a good time. Vibrationally, she was on the fence, so to speak, neither predominantly negative or positive. Her vibration, which wasn’t stable (meaning she was easily influenced by others), was simply affected by a group of happy people and circumstances that made it easy for Sue to react in a positive way. The only two problems with this scenario are that 1.) it could’ve easily gone either way – Sue was going to react to whatever she found on the other side of that door, be it negative or positive; and 2.) Sue feels no sense of control whatsoever. She has no way to ensure that she’ll have a good time at future parties

Scenario #3: Sue has an awesome time at the party. Before the party began, and possibly even the night before, Sue took some time to visualize herself having a great time. She decided that she wasn’t going to settle for anything less, and set up a positive expectation. Why would she leave her experience to chance when he could simply and easily make sure that her experience of the party would be a rockin’ one?

The Cause: By consciously lining herself up with a positive experience, Sue guarantees that she’ll have one. This is why I consider this being the ultimate control freak. Normally, when we speak about control freakishness, we’re describing people who go around trying to control others so they can feel better. But, being the Ultimate Control Freak – LOA style, means controlling your reality by consciously shaping your vibration.

Step #2 – Change your reaction

Now, let’s say that Sue had a bad time, but, understanding how reality creation actually works, she vows not to let that happen again. She decides to start to set up a different expectation and by doing so, she’s already halfway into technique number 2.

If you consider that you’re choosing which reality you shift into in each moment, then it makes sense to take your focus off of WHICH reality you’re currently in, and onto the mechanism of HOW you are choosing the next reality, so you can make sure it doesn’t match the sucky one you’re stuck in. Now, there are many ways to look at this choosing process, but here’s an easy one:

Let’s say Sue goes to work every day and it sucks eggs. Her boss is a douche, her coworkers are idiots, and her customers are rude. In other words, each day, Sue shifts into a reality that matches the last one. She’s feeling stuck, even though she’s actually just re-creating the same scenario over and over again. Creating a different one is much, MUCH easier than Sue realizes.

At the end of each day, Sue comes home, has a glass of wine and tries to unwind. She spends a few minutes telling her cat about the horrors of her job and why it sucks so bad, and then distracts herself with some TV, before she goes to sleep in a state of great discontent. She wakes up groggy and unmotivated, and prepares herself to experience the same damn misery again.

What Sue doesn’t realize is that her reaction to the experience, in this case a day at the office, is what lines her up with the next day’s reality. She can blame the douchebag boss and the colleagues and the customers and the economy and the government and “the system” and her stupid genes which, if only they were different, would allow her to be a supermodel and live in Italy with George Clooney and not have to put up with any of these rat bastards. Or, she can realize that her next day’s reality is determined entirely by her vibration, and her vibration is determined by, as well as the cause of, her current (as in NOW) reaction.

Choosing to react differently

Now, changing your reaction in the moment, when you’re having a shit fit, is nearly impossible. I’m not talking about shutting down your emotions when someone has triggered you and you’re having a meltdown. I’m talking about the slow, habitual, totally changeable reactions we have to our everyday circumstances. Like, our days at work, or waiting in line at the supermarket, or putting up with loud neighbors. The way we react to any of these habitual experiences directly determines the reality we’ll shift into next. Will it be the same, or will it be different? Will it be worse or will it be better?

So, Sue decides that enough is enough. She comes home from yet another horrible day at the office, but instead of burdening her poor, long suffering cat with her troubles, decides to take a different view of what happened. Are really ALL the customers rude? Well, no, now that she’s thinking about it. Some are actually quite nice. It’s just that the obnoxious ones take up so much more of her attention and tend to stick around in her mind longer. She spends a few minutes thinking about the nice ones and already feels better. Are all her coworkers idiots? Well no, some of them are quite competent, but she doesn’t notice them so much because they don’t create any extra work for her. In fact, she realizes that she tends to focus on a very small number of colleagues who trigger her, while there are a ton of others who never do. She spends some time appreciating those awesome colleagues, instead of bitching about the ones she doesn’t like. Is her boss really a douchebag? Yes. Yes he is. May he rot in hell. Sue realizes that she’s can’t, at this moment, shift her focus around her boss, so she decides to at least NOT complain about him.

But the work she’s done by reacting differently to her day already lines Sue up with a different reality. The next day, she still has some rude customers, but MORE nice ones than the day before. Her idiot coworkers are still dorks, but she also has a significant exchange with a really nice and competent colleague. And, her boss is out sick.

As Sue continues to deliberately shape her reaction to her day, choosing to react in a positive way to the events that occurred, she lines up with more and more positive experiences and less and less negative ones. She shifts into slightly more positive realities each day, until one day, she realizes that her whole world looks significantly different than it did when she started this exercise.

Your reaction is YOUR choice

What most people don’t realize is that how we react to any given event is entirely in our control. It’s our choice. If you drop your ice cream on the ground you can cry about it, or you can laugh at yourself, tell the ants that they’re welcome for the sweet gift you’ve just bestowed upon them, and go support the ice cream merchant some more. How you choose to react will determine what happens next.

If you hit all red lights on the way to work, you can have a little mini melt down that causes that vein on your forehead to throb dangerously, or you can use the time to work on your Karaoke skills. Or, perhaps you can appreciate having a bit of extra solitude. How you choose to react will determine what happens next.

If someone is rude to you, you can blame them for being a douche and let it ruin your entire day, or you can recognize that they’re probably in a great deal of pain, and just refuse to engage. You can see them like the crazy people in the park who, when you touch them,  totally freak out because you’ve just invited the alien rays into their brain. Would you take that outburst personally? Probably not. Well, someone having a Tasmanian Devil like response to your parking, or request for information, or whatever, is no different. How you choose to react will determine what happens next.

Are you beginning to see how your reactions, how you choose to feel about anything that’s happened to you, line you up with the next moment and the next and the next? If you react in a way that doesn’t feel good, the next moment will probably be even worse. This is how people create horrible days full of negative chain reactions simply by deciding that something that happened to them first thing in the morning was a “bad” thing.

Bottom line

Basically, you get two chances to break out of the routine you’re stuck in. Before the event – by setting expectations (and you’re setting expectations whether you know it or not). And after the event – by choosing your reaction. Both determine the outcome of the next event, and the one after that, and the one after that. If you want to shift into a reality that’s different than the one you’ve been living, change your expectation and/or change your reaction. It really is as simple as that. Now, go out and be an Ultimate Control Freak – LOA style. Your reality will never be the same again. Thank God.

I can’t quite believe that I’ve never written about spirit guides. The subject comes up A LOT in my life. But, as it turns out, when I sat down to write today’s post, originally planned to be a short but informative piece on how our spirit guides can change as we evolve, I realized that I’d never addressed the subject at all. My bad, people. I shall make up for this oversight forthwith (as in, today, y’all).

Are spirit guides real?

Yes.

Ah, you want more information than that? Well, then I suggest you ask a better question. No, I’m not being difficult, I’m just being all spirit guidey. Just like the Law of Attraction (actually, because of it), they will make you define and refine your question until you’re clear about what it is you’re actually looking for. Annoying, I know… So, what is it that you really want to know?

What are spirit guides, exactly?

Now, you see? That wasn’t so hard! Let me start off this explanation by telling you what spirit guides are NOT. Spirit guides are NOT dead people, related to you or otherwise. They’re not really people, at all. Or entities. Or angels. Or aliens. Although, it’s totally ok if you think that they are.

When we connect with what we consider to be our “spirit guides”, we are simply connecting with and translating non-physical energy. Think of it like having access to a Universal Database, where all information and wisdom is stored (and yes, I do mean ALL, not just information gathered by humans, or Earth, or this dimension.) As you raise your vibration, you get access to higher and higher levels of this Database. Which levels you have access to has nothing to do with your worthiness, level of education, intelligence, or devotion. You always have access to the highest level of information that you’ll be able to understand. Higher levels of vibration come with more clarity, bigger perspectives, and deeper abilities to understand Universal Knowledge.

When you connect with this energy, your brain has to translate the information and input you get into something you can understand. Often, we decide to interpret this energy as guides, as people or entities or angels who can speak to us. And there’s nothing wrong with that (see below). But really, it’s all just a big pot of energy soup. Conscious, loving and wise energy soup, but soup all the same.

Do your guides have names?

When asking about their spirit guides, a lot of people will want to know if their particular guides have names. And there are a lot of people out there who will oblige. But truthfully, naming your guides is for YOUR benefit, not for theirs. You can choose a name for your guides (I do, I find a name that represents – to me – the energy I’m feeling). So, asking someone else to name your spirit guide is like asking someone else how chocolate cake tastes. It will be their interpretation, not yours.

Assigning a name and physical attributes to the frequencies you’ve been able to connect with will make it easier for you to find that energy again. It’s a bit like tagging the energy – you label it and give it a symbol that helps you focus on that particular frequency again. It also makes it all seem more personal.

But they, themselves, don’t have names. They are not people or entities. Going back to the database metaphor – it’s like naming certain files or directories. The data doesn’t care what you call it, but doing so certainly makes it easier to find your way back to places you’ve previously visited.

Do each of us have our own spirit guide?

This one is going to be hard for some of you to hear, but, no. You don’t have your own, personal, butler in the sky. You do have your own, personal interpretation of energy that you’ve accessed. Think of it this way: When you access the database, you do a search using very specific criteria. The database then spits out a result. This result is unique to you, because your search criteria was unique to you. So, the way the data is presented is your manifestation, while the data itself is not and is accessible by anyone.

What about channeled entities like Abraham?

Abraham has pretty much said exactly what I’ve said – that they are a constantly changing stream of consciousness that Esther named “Abraham” because that name most closely resembled the energy she was perceiving. Most people think that “constantly changing stream of consciousness” means that there are a bunch of souls up there, like a group of experts or professors, who take turns “speaking” depending on which question was asked. I, personally, find the database metaphor more accurate (it holds up under more conditions. Oh, and my guides, including Abraham, agree. So there). “Abraham” is kind of like a specific search engine – a portal that represents a certain frequency, through which answers can be accessed. That’s right, I’m saying your spirit guides are pretty much like Google. Once you know the web address (the name, the symbology, the physical representation of a person), you can access that search engine over and over again.

And yes, another person can learn that web address. By listening to a lot of Abraham Hicks, I was able to identify how that frequency feels and access it myself. Incidentally, it’s very interesting to experience Abe “raw”, and see which parts of the translation are Esther Hicks and which parts are, um, original (although, I suppose that totally “raw” isn’t possible, since I’d still only be experiencing MY interpretation…). The first time I disagreed with something Esther said, I panicked a bit (because Esther’s translations have been so important for me) and went directly to the source. It turned out that the way I was interpreting Abe fit for me, while the way she was interpreting that particular bit fit for her. It was a huge lesson in how the same core bit of information can be interpreted very differently and not be “wrong” either way.

Can guides change?

Yes. Guides can definitely change. I have gone through 2 complete spirit guide overhauls in my life, with access to the third group being granted just a few weeks ago. My first guide, whom I named “Michael”, was with me in my teens and twenties. He was the gentle spirit (or search engine) who guided me through my fears of being crazy (you’re getting information from where now?!), who patiently answered the same questions over and over again as I tried to trip him up, and who finally got me to accept that the information I was getting wasn’t just coming from my own mind. And yes, you’ll notice that I’m describing him as a person. Even though this is “just” data, this type of data is full of love and compassion. The reason we personify this stream of consciousness, is because the only way we can even begin to comprehend the complexity of this information is to translate it with more than one sense. These guides feel a certain way. They have personalities of sorts. Accessing this data is more like getting a full body, multisensory download than reading a computer screen.

On my flight back from Peru, after having spent a month intensively working with a Shaman (and therefore having radically changed my vibration), I was presented with a new guide. Because he seemed a bit cold and distant, I named him Alistair. The proper demeanor was due to my inability to, at first, fully comprehend this energy, however, and I later interpreted Alistair as warm, loving and incredibly accessible. Alistair explained that I could talk to Michael anytime I wanted, but that it was as if I’d just graduated and gone on to a new grade, taught by a new teacher. I now have a more in depth knowledge of what happened – my new, higher vibration gave me access to a higher frequency, which, because it felt different, had to be interpreted as a new guide. The old guide, or information, if you will, was a part of the new guide. It was all still in there, I simply had access to more.

After a little while, Alistair was joined by the spirit or energy of Ayahuasca (a master healing and teaching plant which shamans use and which I had used in the Rainforest), Abraham, and several others who would pop in. In other words, I had access to all kinds of datasets at this frequency, which my mind interpreted as different “guides”. I began to trust the information I was receiving from my guides more and more and came to rely heavily on them for guidance and support. They have NEVER steered me wrong.

About three weeks ago, I lay down to meditate and met a whole new guide – Elijah. I have to tell you, this guide is almost impossible to describe in words. I have never felt such unconditional love, such warmth and compassion, such support. The only word that comes close is intimate, but not in a sexual way. This is spiritually intimate. The next night, a second guide showed up – a powerful shamanic healer and teacher. He doesn’t speak much but I can feel him chanting over me, supporting me powerfully, when I’m releasing something. I have a strong feeling that I’m going to learn a great deal from him.

How can you “meet” your guides?

So, now that I’ve shattered all your illusions about guides (buwahahahaha!), I’ll get to the question you’ve been wanting the answer to all along: What can you do to connect with your own search engine/portal/ok fine, spirit guides? It’s actually quite simple (remember, simple doesn’t necessarily equal easy):

1. Start meditating regularly. You can’t even begin to “hear” or access this non-physical information if you can’t stop the ruckus in your mind. Also, the higher your vibration is when you connect, the better the information you receive will be. Just because you’re translating non-physical energy, doesn’t mean it’s enlightened energy. Just saying.
2. After meditating for a few minutes, ask a question. Make it a simple one, not something you NEED to know the answer to RIGHT NOW! This neediness will make it much more difficult for you to receive an answer.
3. Relax and open your mind. Remember that the frequency of a question and the frequency of the answer are not the same. As long as you’re focused too much on the question, you can’t hear the answer to it.
4. Be ok with NOT receiving the answer. Again, neediness will not get you what you want. And if you’ve noticed that receiving information this way is much like manifesting then, congratulations, you’ve really been paying attention. It’s exactly like manifesting. That’s because it IS manifesting (just like everything. Duh.)
5. Allow the answer to come in whatever way it wants to. Do your best not to censor anything you receive. You may not get the answer you’re looking for, or in the way you’re looking for it. It could come in as a thought, as a “voice”, you could see a vision with your third eye, or you could actually see something with your physical eyes. The answer could come to you a day or two after you asked the question, in a book, a song, a blog post or a seemingly unrelated conversation. Let it come in whatever way it can.
6. Choose to accept the information as truth. In order to build trust in what you receive, you’re going to have to operate on a bit of faith for a little while. This means that you choose to accept the answers you get as truth, and then see what happens. Write them down, check them out, but act as if the information was correct.
7. If the info you got wasn’t correct, go back and check how it felt when you received it. Where you hunting for signs? Did you, in your urgency to get an answer, choose to interpret something as a sign, even though you weren’t intuitively led to do so? Did you censor the information? Or were you, perhaps, not connected to a high frequency?
8. If the information was correct, notice how you felt when you received it, what you did to connect, and how it came to you. As you receive more and more “hits”, your ability and trust will grow.

It’s like learning to swim

Learning to connect with your “guides” is a bit like learning to swim. You can study theory all day long, but you’re not going to actually learn to tread water unless you jump in the pool. You learn by doing, by practicing and by trial and error. But remember, just as babies instinctively know how to swim, so do we know how to translate energy from the non-physical. We do it all day long. So don’t overcomplicate things. Don’t expect Jesus to appear, arm and arm with the Buddha, waiving a big old flashing neon sign reading “We’re Your Spirit Guides, Homey!” It’s going to be a lot more subtle than that.  Just like with any manifestation, you can only receive what you’re ready for. This means that it has to feel almost normal, like no big deal. Spirit guides tend to appear more like a whisper than a shout, especially at first.

Bottom line

I’ve always said that anyone can learn to connect with their guides. A friend of mine recently pointed out that me saying this is like an elite athlete telling people that “anyone can complete the Ironman”. Ok, I admit, it’s taken me A LOT of hours and A TON of effort to get to this level (don’t worry, though, it’s not hard work, I honestly can’t help myself). And, I’ll concede that maybe not everyone will be willing to put that kind of time and effort into their abilities. But getting messages for yourself, at least to some degree, doesn’t require nearly the commitment and investment that channeling for others takes. A bit of asking and allowing will get you there. Why not give it a try? You might just “discover” the next Abraham.

Coaching Call #052 came out yesterday. The topic of this week’s call is: He’s a Writer Looking For His Breakthrough.

This screenwriter can’t seem to get past his fears to produce the masterpiece he knows he’s meant to. He can feel that he’s close, but there are fears that are holding him back. Listen in as we explore those fears and as, quite frankly, I kick his butt a little to get him aligned with what he really wants. A great call for anyone who’s creative or wants to be.

Read the full call summary here.

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Awesome Christian asks: “Although it might sound unconventional, I am attracted to older women, so how would I apply the LOA to attract into my reality women that are also attracted to younger men? Or better said how to attract THEM to ME? I have never had any experience of the kind so this will be deliberately receiving something totally new and unfamiliar. Please give me the steps and I will follow them faithfully!”

Dear Awesome Christian,

Attracting older women is the same as attracting any other woman. It’s all about figuring out what you want and aligning yourself with it. There is no characteristic or quality that you can’t attract if you’re aligned with it. So, let’s take a look at how to do that, using this example, or in other words, let’s get you that cougar! Ha.

Why do you like older women?

The first thing you’ll want to dissect is what exactly attracts you to older women. You see, age in and of itself, really doesn’t matter. You can find a 20 year old with certain qualities and an 80 year old with certain qualities. And while it’s possible that some qualities are more prevalent in certain age groups, I don’t think it’s a good idea to limit yourself in any way when it comes to manifesting what you truly want.

So, ask yourself what it is that you like so much about the older ladies. Is it their maturity? Their emotional stability? Their financial stability? The fact that they don’t play as many games? The fact that they know what they want? Their wisdom? Their life experience? Are you beginning to see that these qualities can’t really be attributed to any single age? A woman of 40 might have a ton of life experience she can share with you, for example, or she could have been more sheltered than you. Please note that I’m not discouraging you from being attracted to women who are older than you, I’m just saying that you should focus on the qualities you really want, instead of just the age. You don’t really want to attract a woman who is older, but doesn’t have the qualities you’re actually looking for. Or, to put it another way, don’t focus on only one criteria (one box on your checklist), but all of them. You get to attract a woman who ticks all your boxes, not just one category, which won’t necessarily match everything you want. It’s time to get detailed.

Make your list

As you make your list, you’ll most likely find quite a few characteristics that have nothing to do with age at all (kindness, sense of humor, etc.). Keep adding adjectives and criteria until you feel you’ve covered all the bases. Don’t forget to add “She’s just as attracted to me as I am to her.” This is just another characteristic you’re looking for.

Next, think of what you DON’T want in a woman. Make a separate list of those qualities. For example, you might not want a woman who is unfaithful. Or one who nags you. Or one who wants to get married and have babies so desperately she’s willing to drug you, drag you to Vegas and marry you before you wake up. We’ve all had experiences with past partners that we’d rather not repeat. Don’t keep those fears in your head – get them out on paper.

Next, choose words that represent the opposite of what you DON’T want and add them to your list of desired qualities. For example, if you don’t want a woman who is unfaithful, you might then write down “faithful” on your list of positives. Do this for all the negatives you’re afraid of.

What you’re doing here is making sure your list is complete. If, for example, you’re afraid of a woman who will be mean to you, because you went out with a bitchy gal at some point earlier in your life, then that will always be in the back of your mind. If you don’t directly contradict that fear by focusing on a woman who has the opposite quality – kindness – you’ll inadvertently continue to focus on what you don’t want. You attract what you are afraid of. The antidote is to focus on what you actually want, instead.

Refine your list

Once you’ve made your list, it’s time to make sure the words you’ve chosen actually align you with what you want. This is the step that most people overlook, but it’s actually the most important part of this process. If you don’t choose the “right” words, you’re not going to be lining up with the frequency of what you want, and you can’t attract it.

What are the right words? They’re the words that elicit a strong, positive emotional reaction from you. They’re not just words that sound positive, they actually have to feel positive. So, these words are going to be unique to you. While books and articles can help by giving you examples, no one can tell you which precise words will be perfect for you (unless they’re working one on one with you and can read your energy). Yep, you’re actually going to have to do the work on this one.

The difference between how words feel can seem subtle at first, but the results can differ drastically.

For example, if you don’t want a woman who is unfaithful, you may write down “faithful” on your list of positive qualities. Only, when you think or say the word “faithful”, what you’re really thinking is “NOT unfaithful”. You’re actually activating the frequency of what you don’t want.

So, you play around with different synonyms. These can be words or phrases that all basically mean “faithful”, but with subtle differences. You might try “committed”, “loyal”, “loves me deeply”, or “adores me”. If none of those work, go a little deeper. Isn’t what you really want to feel safe in a relationship, to not have to worry about cheating, and to be able to completely trust your partner? Perhaps phrases such as “I trust her completely” and “I feel safe with her” will elicit a much stronger positive response from you.

Don’t half ass it

This step is simple but not easy. Don’t skip it and don’t half ass it. Coming up with the right list can yield instant results (the last time I did this for myself, I manifested a guy who checked every box on my wish list within 4 days. That’s right, 4 freaking days. And this was not a list that most “non-LOA” people would’ve considered even close to “realistic”.)

By the way, you can make this list whether you’re in a relationship or not. You’re always evolving and so must your relationships. You can decide to evolve haphazardly, scattering your focus all over the place, or you can decide to focus laser like on what you want, so you can keep getting that. Your relationships don’t have to go up and down randomly, they can just get better and better and better.

The key is that your own, personal list, must feel really, really good to you. Keep playing around with words and phrases until you find just the right ones. If you do this right, the very act of creating the list will line you up with what you want. Then, you can just put it away and go focus on something else. Or, if you prefer, you can focus on it periodically just because it feels so damn good. Don’t make this an obligation or chore. And yes, you can cut out pictures that represent the partner you want and look at them every day. Just make sure these images elicit the awesome feelings from you that you’ve created by making your list.

A few tips about older women (and dating in general)

Now that we’ve gone over the basic (but powerful!) technique of how to attract your ideal partner, let me address some of the fears about attracting older women that I picked up on in your question.

Many older women are attracted to younger men. Not all, of course, but many. So attracting an older woman won’t be difficult for you. Now, while some women are attracted to the bamby-esque innocence of younger men, looking for a woman like that isn’t necessarily the best idea. If you want a real partner, you don’t want your future soul mate to look at you as though you’re a kid who knows nothing and can be formed into whatever she wants. This is manipulative and this kind of controlling behavior actually comes from fear. Women who have been treated badly by men may be looking for someone whom they can “train” into being what they want. This is not a recipe for respect and mutual adoration.

Seek out women who appreciate you for you, regardless of age. Just because you’re younger doesn’t mean that you don’t have just as much to offer her as she does you. You bring enthusiasm and fun to the table (plus, let’s face it, women appreciate the younger male body just as much as men appreciate that quality in younger women). You have intuitive wisdom, interests, and knowledge of your own. You can expose her to new experiences, too, not just the other way around. Chances are, you can teach her just as much as she can teach you. She may know more than you about business, for example, but you might know a great deal more about creativity, or certain kinds of books or movies, or the nightlife in your town. Do not go into a relationship with anyone thinking they have more to offer than you do. This will create an imbalance that will bite you in the ass in the long run.

Keeping the qualities you bring to the table in mind will also make you far more attractive to older women (or any women, or men, or whatever). No one wants to be in a relationship with a lump of clay who just sits there waiting to be entertained and inspired (except people acting out of fear, and they don’t really want that kind of relationship, they just think it’s safer than the alternative they currently have access to). Of course, this also requires that you do some work on yourself. If, for example, you feel that you’re not worthy of the partner you want, then you’d do well to clean that up before going cougar hunting. Or, if you just want someone to take care of you and make you feel safe (like a mommy or daddy), you might want to take a look at why you don’t feel safe in the first place. No partner will ever be able to defy your vibration, so if you don’t feel safe, they won’t be able to mirror that feeling back to you.

Bottom line

You get to want what you want. And you get to attract what you want. The Universe is awesome like that. If older women are your thing, you don’t have to be ashamed of that. If tall men, plump girls, or people of a certain color rock your boat, there’s nothing wrong with that. You get to have your own, very specific preferences. You may not want to share those preferences with everyone – some people are going to be offended by any characteristic on your list that doesn’t describe them, as if you’d just personally called them unattractive (go to any forum and write “I find thin girls more attractive than plump ones” and see what happens…). These people are not good candidates for you to discuss your list with. Also stay away from anyone who’s too “realistic”. As I said, my own list tends to be quite out there, and yet the Universe has no trouble delivering whatever I can line up with. Only share your list with people who get that, and yes, this may mean that you don’t discuss your list with anyone.

If you’d like some help coming up with the perfect list, and private coaching isn’t an option for you, check out this pre-recorded coaching call: She’s Tired of Blah Guys and Wants to Attract Her Soul Mate. It gives a perfect example for how to feel your way through your list to come up with soul, heart and yes, crotch rocking words. Hummana. Hummana.

Awesome Daniel commented: “I truly appreciate your suggestions. It makes sense. Practical and intelligent. In fact, your blogs have helped me to believe in LOA. As I said I really love your blogs. But when I saw that you are selling your stuff or trying to make money off it, it does question your credibility that you are just trying to help people. You know this is one of the main complaints of anti-LOA people. Seriously, why do you guys try to sell the stuff? You can just genuinely try to help people (if that is what you’re after) without any monetary motives.”

Dear Awesome Daniel,

Thank you for asking this question publicly as well as respectfully. Usually, when someone addresses this topic, they do so in a way that I can’t publish (i.e. they’re total douchebags about it). I have a lot of light workers and healers in my audience, and I’m certain that many of them struggle with the idea of charging for their services. So I’m more than happy to give you my take on the subject from that perspective.

In my blog post on Charity, I addressed the false belief that doing something good for others is only valuable if it involves sacrifice on the part of the giver. The idea that a gift is only really valuable if it’s caused the person who gives it some kind of pain or suffering is, quite frankly, ridiculous to me. Not only does giving under those circumstances lead to a great deal of guilt for the recipient (who wants to receive gifts that have come at such a price?), but it greatly limits how much can be given (if I am depleted each time I give, I can’t give for long before I run out of energy/money/life.) I think the points I made in that post perfectly tie into this one.

When someone asks me why I charge for my services, they generally hold the belief that I would be better serving humanity if I gave my services away for free. But, it’s that assumption really true? Let’s break it down a bit, shall we?

What if I gave it all away for free?

First of all, I do have to make a living. Until we all agree to live in a resource based economy, I need to have some kind of income stream so I can pay my rent. Could I make money doing something else, something less spiritual, something I’d love less than what I do right now? Of course. I could go back to the corporate world and make a pretty damn good living. Of course, then I wouldn’t be able to dedicate very much time to what I actually want to do.

• I’d be able to coach only a small handful of people, perhaps one or two at a time, instead of the dozens I’m currently able to help.
• I’d be able to write only a couple of blog posts a month. There would not be a library of hundreds of blog posts, articles, audios and videos available for free on this site.
• I wouldn’t be able to spend hours and hours raising my own vibration and reaching higher and higher levels of understanding that I can then share with you. Self-development takes time. The retreats I go on aren’t just for pleasure. These are my continuing education seminars.
• I wouldn’t be authentic. This is who I am. This is what I’m meant to do. I practice what I preach. Forcing myself to do a job I don’t really want to do isn’t in line with any of that.
• I’d be too tired to really connect most of the time. I can’t write unless I’m inspired. When I coach, I enter into an altered state. Not only did it take me quite a few hours of practice to learn how to do that, but I have to be in a high vibration in order to accomplish that. I need time and space and the right environment to make that happen. Exhaustion isn’t conducive to that.

By dedicating myself to this work full time, I’m able to help far more people for free and otherwise, than I could if I had another job. I also wouldn’t be able to work at the level at which I do if I spent a significant portion of my day being distracted by a job that wasn’t aligned with Who I Really Am.

Should all spiritual services be free?

But isn’t it simply wrong to charge for any kind of spiritual service? Shouldn’t all light workers and healers and teachers work for free? Shouldn’t we all be content to live in poverty, subsisting on donations, content with the idea that our sacrifice is worth it so that we can help others?

I don’t believe so, no. Let me tell you why:

Poverty isn’t conducive to helping others. Who do you think can help more people, a billionaire or a pauper? That’s a pretty easy question to answer, isn’t it? The more money someone makes, the more people they can help, period. Living in poverty isn’t conducive to helping others. It simply means that there’s a belief that you can’t be a good person and also have money, which is a false belief. Why would the Universe set it up like that? Why would particularly the best among us be required to have the least? Shouldn’t it be the other way around (it actually is, but we mess it up by believing otherwise).

Money is spiritual. Of course, materialism for the sake of materialism isn’t a good idea and often causes a great deal of damage. But that doesn’t mean that money, in and of itself, is bad or not spiritual. The energy of money is actually deeply spiritual, and an inability to receive it will cause a great imbalance. Think about it: energy has to flow. If energy flows out, it must also flow in. Otherwise, there’s depletion. If you are giving but aren’t able to receive, you will create an imbalance in your life. You can receive the love of the Universe in many different ways. Money is just one, and a convenient one, at that. Why is this one form of energy so unacceptable? Well, it isn’t. Unless you think it is.

Being poor doesn’t make you more enlightened. Sure, there are many religious organizations that will have you believe that there’s virtue in being poor, while they secretly stuff their pockets with cash. But never mind them. There are a lot of spiritual schools of thought that genuinely believe that solitude and poverty will allow the spirit to rise. And I don’t disagree completely. I do think that if you go live in a monastery and give up all material possessions, it could help you to achieve greater clarity. But, I don’t believe that it’s our mission in life to sit in a dark room and meditate. In fact, I don’t believe that the West has it totally wrong. While our brothers in the East have mastered the discipline of the mind, and our sisters to the south (as in Central and South America) have a deeper connection to nature, we, in the Occidental world have a great understanding of physical pleasure and comfort (yes, I know I’m generalizing. Don’t get too caught up in the geography of this point). Sure, we’ve taken it WAY too far, but imbalances are present in all schools of thought. None of us have it “right”. I believe that the time has come for us to marry all these disciplines and find the balance between the extremes.

We’re here to enjoy the physical, WHILE being attuned to nature AND knowing the power of our own minds. And if we’re to do that, we have to make peace with materialism and learn to work with it in a balanced way, rather than demonize it. It’s ok to make money, it’s just not ok to rape the earth and destroy entire cultures to get it. Nor is it necessary to do so.

Making money in an aligned way sets a great example. If we want to move towards a world where all people allow themselves to choose the path that’s aligned with their hearts and their passions, we have to set some examples. Many people choose not to go down that path because they don’t think they can make any money this way. I’d like to prove them wrong. I think that the more businesses we have that show us that we can make money while being happy and making others happy, the more people will allow themselves to do the same. It will go from being a nice pipe dream to something that’s actually possible in people’s minds. We don’t have to make a choice between having a nice life and being fulfilled. We can do both.

One of the reasons why we have so many unethical and destructive corporations is because of the belief that you have to be a total douchebag to make money. I plan to personally prove that paradigm wrong on a huge scale. And there are many who are already doing so. More and more companies are proving that you can treat your employees and customers like stars, provide a kick ass service AND make a lot of money, while often even setting up foundations to help even more people for free. I applaud those companies and envision a world where there are many, many more of them. In fact, I envision a world where people finally wise up to the fact that being aligned is MORE lucrative than being a douche.

People value things more if they pay for them. This is an argument I’ve heard many times, which is why I’m including it here, although I only partially agree. I do think that a lot of people value things more if they have paid for them. In fact, they seem to value services more if they’ve paid a lot. I’ve certainly seen evidence of this. My paying clients generally take their sessions and homework far more seriously than do those who get my calls for free. They have paid money, and now they expect to get results. They’re willing to work more for them. They also respect my time more. I’ve never had a paying client just stand me up. I have had people whom I was helping for free simply fail to show up for a meeting. Were my services suddenly worth less because I wasn’t charging? They certainly seemed to think so.

This doesn’t apply to everyone of course. Some people pay for services and don’t do the work, and some people receive a free service, do the homework faithfully and get amazing results (and, as I’ve focused more on these types of people, I’ve stopped attracting the non-serious ones). This is why I still give away a lot of services for free, and will continue to do so. But it is worth mentioning that A LOT of people are helped MORE when they’re required to pay for the service. Think about it: Are you more likely to read a book you were given for free or one you paid for, even if it was a small amount? Which car do you treat with more reverence, the $500 one or the $100.000 one?

Spiritual skills are still skills. In our society, we’ve come to value highly skilled labor. We pay a premium for expertise. I don’t see anything wrong with that. In fact, I believe the problems arise when we DON’T pay people for their skills. For example, a really good teacher who inspires her students to excellence, and who has acquired the skill to do so, should be paid a premium. The fact that we don’t value this skill is not only beyond me, but at the heart of much of our educational issues. But when we do reward great skill, we provide an incentive for people to do so. We make it more likely that more people will choose this path, and we make it more possible for them to do so. When someone has spent YEARS and tens of thousands of dollars becoming a powerful healer or teacher, why is that skill set suddenly worth nothing? Why would we value a medical doctor’s skill but not the shaman’s? Why do we have no problem paying the lawyer, but scoff at the idea of paying the energy healer? Why is it ok for a polluting, unethical company to grow big and create tons of horrible jobs, but not ok for a spiritual company to become huge and provide tons of awesome jobs and benefit to the world?

But isn’t it our responsibility as light workers to be accessible to everyone?

And now, for the biggie: If you’ve chosen to dedicate your life to helping others, isn’t it your obligation to make sure you can help as many people as possible by making yourself as accessible as you can to everyone?

Well, that’s not actually possible. Here’s why: You can’t help everyone. And you can’t attract everyone. Oh, and you have no freaking obligation. Ever.

The idea that light workers have an obligation shuts down more healing energy than any other. It certainly kept me from being Who I Really Am for a long, long time. I was born with a strong desire to heal. When, as a child, I felt the unhappiness of those around me, I mistakenly thought that it was my job, my obligation to help them. When I couldn’t, because they weren’t ready to let go of their pain, I felt like I was a failure. That led to a belief that I wasn’t good enough, which I’m still cleaning up. The intense desire to help, coupled with the thought that I wasn’t up to the job, caused a great deal of pain. And so, I shut down my abilities, I hid my light, and I became an angry, depressed, introverted, quiet, desperate teenager and young adult. I allowed people to abuse me. I didn’t think I was worth more. After all, if I couldn’t do what I was meant to do, if I couldn’t make others happy, if I couldn’t do my “job”, then what good was I?

It took years for me to realize that I didn’t have a “job”. It had been an intention, a desire, but never an obligation. And when I finally allowed myself to be happy even when others weren’t, I started truly helping others. My joy inspired their joy. My pain hadn’t been able to do that. I’d felt like a failure as a child because I thought I could/should help everyone. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t up to me to help them. I couldn’t assert good energy into their reality. All I could do was make myself available to those who were ready to receive what I could flow through me. I could volunteer to do this, and then let those who were ready for my particular brand of energy come to me. They had to attract the help, and if I didn’t volunteer, someone else would. Their help was not contingent upon me.

I also realized that I wasn’t here to save the world, because the world doesn’t need saving. The Universe has got this. Each one of us has more guidance than we can comprehend. And we can choose to play along in that game or not. There is no obligation to do so. We can choose to, because it’s fun and it feels good, but we don’t have to.

So, you can’t help everyone. And you can’t make yourself accessible to everyone, since the Law of Attraction can only bring you those who are a match to you. If you’re aligned with helping others, you can only attract those whom you can help. If you’re aligned with suffering and scarcity and frustration, you’re going to attract a bunch of people who continuously ask for help, but can’t really receive it. Nothing will drain you faster.

If it’s not WIN-WIN, there’s an imbalance

The bottom line is this: The Universe works on a win-win basis. Actually, it works on a win-win-win-win-win basis. We’re the ones who came up with the twisted idea that things had to be win/lose. But that doesn’t really work, especially long term. If all parties are enriched by the exchange of energy, then there’s no limit to how much energy can be exchanged and how much benefit can be received. If someone has to lose in order for someone else to win, there will always be a limit.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. If that teacher charges more for her services than you can afford, you’re either not quite ready, and/or that’s not the perfect teacher. When you are truly ready to manifest the clarity you’re after, you will manifest it in a way that’s totally accessible to you. It’s not the teacher’s responsibility to make sure you’re ready (that’s not possible).

My personal balance

Of course, I’ve had to grapple with this question myself. I have a strong desire to help as many people as possible, and I believe that making this my business instead of just running it as a hobby actually helps me to do that. I also provide a great deal of information for free, not because I think I have to, but because it makes me feel really good to do so. I plan to always provide multiple ways for those who are ready to access my products to do so, with scholarships and sponsorships, for example. I’ve found the balance that works for me – I provide the maximum benefit I can, while making sure I don’t deplete myself, so that I can continue to grow and evolve and give in bigger and bigger ways.

Each of us has to find that balance for ourselves, but I think the biggest mistake we can make as a spiritual community is to think small. If we’re going to change the world, we have to be willing to play on a big stage. We have to be willing to use money and the economy for GOOD, instead of just lamenting that others aren’t.

Don’t tell the douchebag CEO to do it differently. He can’t hear you. Go start your own spiritually aligned company and make a crap load of money while helping others, and show them that it can be done and is, in fact, more lucrative than their destructive way. Show them they don’t have to be afraid. They can be Who They Really Are. They can be enriched, not depleted. They can win, instead of losing. We all can. And that’s actually the way it’s supposed to be. When shall we start? Should we continue to hold on to the idea that spirituality has to come at great sacrifice? Or should we finally bring it into the mainstream? Wouldn’t it be better to find the balance between mind, body and spirit, instead of selectively mastering only one at a time? Shouldn’t we finally start to encourage and compensate those who provide true value? Instead of asking “Isn’t it unethical to charge for spiritual services?”, wouldn’t it better to ask “Is it ethical to charge for services that aren’t spiritually aligned?” Isn’t it time that we chose to win-win-win-win-win? I think it is. And that’s why I charge for my services.

Coaching Call #051 came out yesterday. The topic of this week’s call is: She Wants to Stop Her Compulsive, Substance Abuse Behaviors.

For those of you who liked the last blog post (on quitting smoking and other compulsive behaviors), and want to go WAY deeper into the topic, this call is for you. This caller has not only one, but a whole myriad of compulsive behaviors, from overeating and overspending to drinking too much.

How do these compulsive behaviors come about and what can we do about them? The answer may surprise you with its simplicity (not ease, simplicity…)!

See the full call summary here.

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Awesome Anya asks in her comment to this post: “But Melodyyy, doesn’t LOA say you shouldn’t use ‘I will’ cause then you’ll never get it? What’s up with that? (That annoys me actually. One of my most powerful-feeling affirmations is an ‘I will’ statement; I feel that my sub-conscious is insisting that the affirmation matters and that its power should not be suppressed…yet there’s this ‘No I Will’ LOA rule.)”

Dearest Awesome Anya,

Ooooh, I love this question. I get this type of thing a lot. There you are, focusing on feeling better, coming up with wonderful words that reflect how you want to feel, and some LOA Nazi comes along and condescendingly informs you that you can’t say this and you can’t say that, and if you do, the forces of the Universe will not know what you want and give you a lump of coal for Christmas. To this, my dear readers, I happily and triumphantly and LOUDLY say: Bullshit! Admit it, you sort of knew I would.

The Universe already knows what you want

The first totally false belief that causes these well-meaning but misguided souls to try and censor you for your own good, is that you have to somehow tell the Universe what you want and that if you do this the wrong way, your message will not be received. Hooo mamma, they could not be more wrong on that one, and I imagine the Universe sitting on its chaise lounge, sipping champagne (because, why the hell not?), laughing its infinite ass off about that one. The Universe knows what you want even before you do, even if you’re in total denial about it, and even if you refuse to acknowledge it. The Universe can’t NOT know what you want. It’s thankfully built into the mechanism that creates our reality. The second you notice what you don’t want, you emanate a vibration. This vibration carries two bits of information: What you don’t want and its direct opposite – what you want instead. The Universe knows the difference (because what you want has a much higher frequency). Each little detail of what you don’t want helps the Universe figure out what you want instead. Again, you don’t have to do this consciously, and in fact, you can’t, not with this kind of precision, anyway.

Let me be very clear about this: all this work we do, defining what you want, visualizing, focusing in certain ways, acknowledging emotions, blah, blah, blah, is all designed to undo the twisted and false paradigm we’ve taken on as the truth. Through this perspective, we make our lives WAY harder than they need to be. However, underneath all of this, there’s a natural process at work that we can’t mess up (thank God!), no matter how hard we may try. That’s like saying you can break an Etch-A-Sketch by using it to draw an ugly picture.

Essentially, all this work we do is to help us get out of the way of this natural process, NOT to facilitate it. And a big part of this process is the fact that you communicate what you want in each moment with your vibration. Not your words.

So, do words matter at all?

What exactly happens when you create an affirmation? What are you doing when you make a list of things that you appreciate about yourself? Don’t words, in and of themselves, have a vibration? Don’t they represent certain frequencies? Yes and no. Let me explain.

Words have absolutely no power other than the power we give them. So, if YOU have assigned meaning to a word or have adopted the meaning that your family, culture or society have associated with a word, then that word has a certain meaning for you. Some words may have the power to offend you, for example, but only because you’ve given them that power. When that happens, you have two choices:

1. You can change the meaning that you’ve assigned to the words. This is the most advisable option when other people use words that you don’t like. Rather than trying to get them to change the words they use (good luck with that), it’s usually much easier simply to decide that you’re not going to give power over how you feel to a word and those who use it.
2. You can choose to use different words. This is the approach you might want to take when you’re choosing your affirmation or looking for words that will help you feel better. It’s easier to choose words that already feel good to you rather than try and bang some bad feeling words into a good feeling place.

When we say an affirmation, such as “I am enough”, “I am beautiful”, “I’m going to be a billionaire”, or “I’m going to hump that hot guy into next Tuesday” (you have your affirmations, I have mine…), we’re using words as tools to help us attune ourselves to the frequency of what we want (and away from the frequency that contradicts what we want). The words don’t matter nearly as much as how those particular words make us feel.

When I help people choose better words

If you’ve ever heard one of my published coaching calls, you may have listened in as I helped someone find “better” words. It’ll usually go something like this: The client describes what she wants. I stop her because the words she’s using aren’t “clean” enough. They have a lot of resistance attached to them. Then, I help her find “better” words, words that are more closely aligned with the frequency of what she wants and evoke a much more positive feeling from her. When we find the right words, the client always feels it, often viscerally (she’ll actually have physical sensations).

So, am I not saying that some words are better than others? Well yes. Only with one caveat: “better” is subjective. Some words are better than others in evoking a certain feeling in YOU. But just because you’ve found words that help you attune to a certain frequency doesn’t mean that those words will do the same for someone else. It’s a very individual thing. It’s a bit like finding out that you LOVE pomegranate flavored Jelly Beans. You then declare that this is the best flavor of all time and you insist that everyone around you not only try them but eat them exclusively. Only, not everyone agrees with you. Some people even seem to dislike this flavor! How can that be? If this is the best flavor for you, wouldn’t it be logical that it be the best flavor for everyone? Are we seeing the flaw in this way of thinking or shall I go on with my awesome, sarcastic self?

When I’m helping people find “better” or “cleaner” words, I’m reading their particular vibration. I help them find the words that most closely match the vibration they want to achieve and currently have access to. You’ll also notice that I always explain to the client that they’ll need to repeat the process periodically, because the words that evoke joy today may not feel the same tomorrow. As they acclimate to the new, higher vibration, they’ll need to choose new words from each level in order to keep progressing. The value to the listener isn’t so much in the particular words we choose (if that were the case, I could just publish a list of high vibrational words and be done with it), but in learning how to feel their way through the choosing process to find the perfect words for their particular purpose and vibration.

How do the words feel to you?

So, when an LOA Nazi comes along and insists that you use or don’t use particular words without taking your particular vibration into account, not only are they demonstrating a profound lack of knowledge of how the Law of Attraction actually works, but they’re trying to force their favorite flavor of Jelly Beans on you. They may have found, for example, that using “I will” statements doesn’t work for them (and if they believe strongly enough that these won’t work, they won’t), and are doing what every religious nut and missionary and fundamentalist before them has done: they’re assuming that their answer must be everyone’s answer. Yes, they’re often coming from a well-meaning place. That doesn’t make them right, or any less annoying.

When you factor in each person’s individual vibration, you simply can’t make sweeping statements such as “You should NEVER use this particular phrase”. You have to look at each word, each sentence, each expression on a case by case basis. You have to feel your way through it. If you’ve found an “I Will” statement that lights up your world, use it. If saying “I want…” feels great to you, don’t let someone tell you that using that phrase will keep what you want from coming to you. If the words you’re using feel good to you, then you’re moving in the right direction.

When I tell someone that they should stop saying particular words, I’m ALWAYS talking about them, in particular. I always take their vibration into account. Now, I generally explain why these particular words aren’t a good idea for them, and someone listening in might then realize that those words, which they also habitually use, have a similar negative effect on them, but it’s not about the words. It’s about how they feel. And that will vary from individual to individual.

Say whatever the hell you want

When it comes to affirmations or lists of gratitude, etc., the one and only thing that’s important is that you feel better. Reach for relief, reach for “better”, reach for whatever takes you closer to being a Happy Shiny Puppy. It really doesn’t matter what you say, as long as what you say feels good to you. You’ll notice, for example, that I have a tendency to, um, curse just a bit. This offends some people. I don’t care (these are not my people). I find cursing funny. It makes me laugh. It often shakes people out of their perspective and allows me to guide them towards a new one. Does all cursing feel good to me? Not at all. It totally depends on the vibration behind the words. Dropping the F-Bomb out of anger feels very different than a joyous, enthusiastic, celebratory “I Am F&%king Awesome!” (now there’s an affirmation for you!). It’s the same word, but it feels very different. All words are like that.

After all, do you really think the Universe would’ve set it up so the process responsible for creating ALL OF REALITY hinges on whether or not you say “I will” or “I am”? Seriously!? And what about the species of animals and plants who can’t talk? I guess they’re just going to have to die out and become extinct. Wow, it’s a wonder that hasn’t happened already… Actually, why hasn’t it? Perhaps the process of creating reality isn’t about which words we choose at all, dear LOA Nazi. Perhaps the Universe is more clever than a mid-level government bureaucrat with low self-esteem who declines your 148 page application because you missed a comma on page 17.   I think. I’ve made. My point.

Mellow-D: 1

LOA Nazi: 0

Booya!

I’ve got a confession to make: I used to be a smoker. From the ages of 14-19, I smoked about a pack of Marlboro Reds a day. Then I quit cold turkey. I had no withdrawal symptoms and had no problem not smoking except when I had a drink. When I was 29, I started up again. I smoked off and on, quitting when I realized just how horrible those nicotine and chemical sticks made me feel. But I always started again. Then, I went to Peru for a month. After one particularly difficult shamanic ceremony, I spent 2 days being nauseous. On the third day I woke up and was no longer a smoker. Even the smell of cigarettes (mind you, not tobacco; cigarettes. There’s a difference) made me want to hurl. While cleansing myself of the desire to smoke hadn’t been my goal, it was a really nice side effect. To this day, I still can’t smell a pack of cigarettes without wanting to vomit.

Over the years, I’ve been asked to write up a post about how to quit smoking quite a few times. But because none of my efforts to quit had actually been successful, and because my desire to smoke had simply been shifted out of me as part of massive energy work, I didn’t have a ready answer. I had experienced the successful quitting process on fast forward and had absolutely no idea what had actually happened. And sure, I was able to receive the answers I needed by accessing the vast pot of Universal Knowledge, but I wanted more. I like to give practical advice, not just theories. I wanted to be able to say that I’d seen these techniques work. I wanted to be able to look at my own journey with smoking and make sense of it. And, I wanted to be able to offer you a framework that could be applied to quitting pretty much anything, not just cigarettes.

It’s taken me over two years, but thanks to my guides, and the Law of Attraction bringing me the perfect clients to prove my theories on, I can now say that what I’m about to share with you today definitely does work. You’re welcome.

Why Are You Smoking?

Most smokers, when asked that question, will come up with something like “I’m addicted and I can’t help it.” Almost all of them would like to quit, some are more determined than others, but I’ve hardly ever met anyone who smokes because they truly like it.

Here’s the thing: The physical dependency on nicotine and the soup of carcinogens that are present in cigarettes can be detoxed out of the body in 3 days. That’s right: 3 days. Everything after that is a different kind of dependency. Note, I’m not saying that there will be no chemicals left in the body after 3 days, but this is generally when the physical cravings stop. Only, it may not seem like that. Because the real reason you smoke can cause you to have a physical reaction that will make it feel like you’re still craving nicotine, when in fact, you’re craving something else: an emotional release.

You see, the real reason you smoke has nothing to do with your body needing the substance you’re inhaling. It’s not about dependency or nicotine or cravings. It’s about escaping an emotional pain that you’ve been unwilling or incapable of dealing with thus far. Smoking brings you some kind of relief. And until that need for relief is addressed, you won’t be able to quit smoking, or if you do, you’ll instantly replace it with another vice (like eating, drinking, gambling, whatever).

Are you actually an addict?

I realize that I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this, but I’ve come to believe that there are a whole lot of people in this world and especially the US who, thanks to our Drug War and the associated advertising, have come to think of themselves as addicts, when they’re not. I’ve had clients tell me they were ashamed of their “drinking problem” when, upon further inspection, they didn’t actually have one. They told me they were “addicted” to smoking, when they could easily go a week without smoking and have no symptoms, provided that there were enough distractions. Sure, physical dependency does exist. If you break out into a cold sweat every time you go for 2 hours without lighting up, if you get jittery and anxious at the mere thought of being somewhere where you can’t immediately go out and take a drag any time you like (like flying on a plane), you’re probably physically addicted to cigarettes. Only, that physical addiction isn’t the reason you’re smoking. It’s just a by-product of your smoking, almost a separate issue altogether, and one that’s not even that hard to overcome when you get rid of the main motivator first. Three days of willpower will get rid of your physical need to smoke. But, if you don’t address the underlying problem, that won’t make a damn bit of difference.

There’s no point in adding insult to injury by thinking of yourself as an addict, especially when you’re not one. Of course, if you are addicted to something, admitting it can be the first step to recovery. But taking on a label that isn’t true doesn’t help you at all. You might get a bit of relief at first (It’s not your fault you smoke. You’re addicted), but after a little while, you’ll begin to feel totally powerless. You’re addicted. There’s nothing you can do. It may not be your fault, but it’s also now out of your hands to solve this problem. You want to quit smoking, but you can’t. Well, I’m happy to call Bullshit on that one.

First of all, if you are addicted, there IS something you can do. And if you’re not addicted (if you can go several days without a cigarette and not want to rip your skin off, you’re not physically addicted), then for God’s sake stop saying that you are. You’re a person who uses smoking as a compensating mechanism. It allows you to feel better. And, when you find the reason you need to feel better and fill whatever need you’re trying to fill with cigarettes, your desire to smoke will vanish.

Why I smoked

When I was a teenager, I smoked because I wanted to belong. I worked at a diner as a waitress and all the staff smoked. It wasn’t so much about being cool, as it was about simply feeling like I was one of the gang. I’d been different all my life, had never really fit in with any group, and I had a strong need to be accepted. Smoking was a way of participating, of fitting in.

I quit when I moved to San Francisco to go to University. My life changed, my friends changed, my environment changed and so did my habits. The people I started to hang out with didn’t smoke, so I no longer needed to light up to be one of them.

When I started again at 29 it wasn’t because I wanted to belong. I was in a high pressure job, working 18 hour days, and stressed out to the point of collapse. Smoking offered me a way to take breaks. Several times a day, someone would come by my desk and ask me if I’d like to go down to the street to have a smoke. No one ever came by to ask if I’d just like to get some fresh air. Of course, I could’ve just taken a break, but my mindset at the time was such that if no one gave me a reason to take a break, I’d forget. I’d just keep working. Taking a breather (cough, cough) a couple of times a day allowed me to decompress a bit, let off some steam, or simply take a moment to think. Coffee breaks also took just a little longer. We had to finish our cigarettes, after all (and the second, and hey, just one more…). Those few minutes here and there added up. They kept me sane in the midst of all that pressure. And even though I often realized that I felt weaker and a bit sick after smoking, I couldn’t break free. I had no substitute for what the cigarettes provided me with.

What happens when you just stop smoking

Quitting cold turkey is brutal, not so much because of the cravings, but because it’s like putting the top on a pressure cooker and turning up the heat. There’s a reason you smoke and that reason is painful to you in some way. When you smoke, you release some of that pressure – you relieve the pain. If you take away this coping mechanism, the original trigger doesn’t just go away. And with no other outlet, the pressure begins to build. This is what you’ll then feel as an overwhelming urge to smoke (and possibly murder someone by dropping a piano on them). It gets stronger and stronger until you can’t take it anymore. You finally break down and light up, all the while berating yourself for being so weak and powerless. Once again, if you don’t get rid of the original reason for your smoking, you have no chance. But if you do, the need to smoke will simply drift away.

You can either address the behavior you want to change, which never works long term, or you can release the real cause, which will make the compensating behavior go away automatically. It’s your choice, but I’d recommend the second option. It’s not about the smoking. It’s about the reason you smoke.

The following steps may seem kind of counterintuitive to you. But I promise you, these vibrationally sound techniques work like a charm if you’re willing to really give them a try.

Step One: Make it ok to smoke

Before you even try to figure out why you smoke, let’s get one thing clear: Beating up on yourself for ANY reason is never helpful. Never. Never freaking ever. So, stop it, godammit. You smoke. So what? That doesn’t make you a bad person (despite what the media says). I know that smokers have been demonized in the last few years, and I was shocked to hear some of the anti-smoker comments coming out of people’s mouths the last time I was in the States. You’d think that smokers raped babies, so great was the hatred for them. How ridiculous. And yes, I get the second hand smoke argument, but if you consider that you and only you have control over your reality including your health via your vibration, that whole premise falls apart. No one can mess up your vibration with their smoking or any other action unless you let them. So, hating on smokers shows a profound lack of understanding of how the Universe works and/or a total unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own reality. You’re welcome, smokers.

So, smoking doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t say anything about you, other than that you have some kind of issue that you’ve been addressing in a way that you’d like to change now. You could’ve just as easily chosen to eat a box of donuts every afternoon, exercise excessively, gamble your life savings away, drink, smoke some dope, become a kleptomaniac, drink 100 cups of coffee a day, have an affair, become a rage filled driver who’s one concealed carry permit away from massacring the next idiot who cuts you off, or shoot heroin. All things considered, maybe smoking isn’t so bad as far as coping mechanisms go. It just happened to be the one you came across when you needed relief.

The problem is that whatever you push against, you create more of. So, even though you may be smoking in order to bring you relief of some kind, how you feel about the fact that you smoke can definitely affect how many cigarettes you go through. You may actually need fewer cigarettes than you’re currently smoking to compensate for the original reason, but by constantly beating up on yourself for it, you’ve increased the smoking. The more you beat upon yourself, the more you smoke. It’s not because you’re becoming more addicted. It’s because you’re perpetuating and growing the energy of what you don’t want by focusing on it.

Stop demonizing the action. If you want to smoke, smoke. If you don’t want to smoke, don’t. But if you do smoke, allow yourself some peace about it. Enjoy it (or try to). Get good cigarettes (yeah, I know, oxymoron…). Don’t smoke the cheapest crap. Take your time, don’t just suck one down. Oh, and follow these two rules (keep these rules in mind when you apply this article to other compulsive behaviors):

Rule #1 – You must want to smoke

Before you light up, ask yourself if you actually want to smoke. This might seem like a given, but it’s not. Often, you might smoke simply by association, because it’s a certain time of day, or because you just completed something (like eating, or sex). As weird as it sounds, don’t smoke simply out of habit. Smoke because you really want to.

Now, at this point, you might say “But Melody, I don’t WANT to smoke. I NEED to.” Stop that. You are still choosing to smoke. You are making this choice based on the options you currently see before you. You are choosing to smoke because not doing so will feel worse. It’s still your choice. Thinking of it as a choice will take the powerlessness out of it. If you’re making the best choice you can, then all you have to do is improve your options and you can choose something else. If it’s not your choice, there’s nothing you can do.

So, if you can’t get to “Yes, I really want this cigarette right now, yumyumyum”, then try “I choose to smoke this” and DO NOT add “even though I don’t want to.” That doesn’t help. The trick here is to actually feel better about the fact that you’re smoking. You NEVER want to take an action and feel horrible about it. You’ve tried to just stop the action, and that hasn’t worked. So, the only other option you have if you want to feel better is to change the way you view the fact that you smoke. If you keep in mind that this smoking thingy is a temporary solution and that you’re now moving towards a better one, adopting this perspective will be much easier.

Rule #2 – Honor your promise to yourself

I want you to make a promise to yourself. It goes like this: If you want to smoke, you get to smoke – guilt free. And then honor that promise. This means that if the answer to the question “Do I want to smoke?” is YES, then you must allow yourself to smoke and DO NOT beat up on yourself for it. Do not welch on that promise. Your mind will test you and it WILL remember if you go back on your word. The key here is to get your mind to trust you by being honest. There’s no trickery here. If you want to let go of the action of smoking you have to first stop pushing against it. And, you must get your mind to trust you on this subject. After years of beating up on yourself, that might take a few tries.

The first few times you ask yourself if you really want to smoke (or eat or drink or whatever), you will probably hear a resounding and almost defiant “hell yes, I do!” This is your mind testing you. It expects you to go back on your promise. And let’s face it, you’ve broken a lot of promises to yourself over the years, particularly when it comes to smoking. Of course, these were promises you couldn’t keep, but that’s another matter. You still have to rebuild trust. If the answer is yes, smoke and smoke happily. Enjoy it. Go someplace where you won’t be disturbed. Inhale deeply. Feel the relief of it.

Do this for a couple of weeks and you may notice that your smoking has reduced considerably already. All you’ll have done at this point is stopped demonizing the action itself. Now, it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty.

Step 2: Look for patterns and triggers

Once you’ve stopped pushing against the smoking, you’ll have taken any supplementary pressure off. This means that the real pressure, the original cause, will be much more easily discernible. Keep on allowing yourself to smoke. Remember, it’s ok. You can want to change something and not call it bad. You’re not a smoker or a non-smoker. You’re a human being learning that actions are manifestations based on vibration and that by changing the vibration you can change any action you like. I’ll give you a second to digest that one…

Start to pay attention to what’s happening when you feel the desire to smoke. Is it tied to specific times of the day? Are there any patterns? Do you generally smoke after meetings, for example? Is there camaraderie in smoking? Remember, smoking provides relief from something. What are you getting relief from?

Common triggers for smoking:

• Stress relief (taking a break can give you time to get a grip)
• Feeling overwhelmed (ditto)
• Powerlessness (the boss makes a bad decision and won’t listen to you)
• Relaxation (having a ciggie at the end of the day to unwind)
• Anxiety (feeling afraid before a presentation)
• Celebration (often accompanied by booze)
• Social anxiety (lighting up to cover a pause in the conversation, or having to sit alone at the bar while your friend is in the bathroom. Of course, this one’s pretty much defunct now.)
• Flirting (something to do with your hands so you don’t look so awkward. Again, pretty much defunct now)
• Anger (comes from powerlessness. Taking a couple of minutes to calm down may seem like a good idea, but not if you’re actually suppressing the anger instead of constructively letting it out).
• Wanting to belong (a shared activity)
• Wanting to be cool (not just for teenagers! Adults can fall prey to this as well if their self-esteem is low enough)
• Boredom/loneliness (usually late at night, when there are no more distractions left)
• Many, many more…

Also look for the absence of triggers. If, for example, you have much less of an urge to smoke when you’re on vacation, then your smoking is probably job related. And if you’re now protesting “But Melody, there’s nothing I can do about my job”, then I have three words for you: Slappidy, slappidy, slappidy. Of course there’s something you can do, for eff’s sake! Start with this post.

If you find that you usually smoke at night, but only when you’re alone, and that you don’t even have an urge to smoke when you’re in a group, then you’re probably smoking to get relief from loneliness. Paying attention to when you’re being triggered and when you’re NOT being triggered will lead you to the real culprit: a feeling. That’s right, the thing you’re trying to get relief from will be a negative emotion.

In my case, the emotions I was trying to get relief from were feeling like I wasn’t good enough when I was a teenager (I thought I didn’t belong because there was something wrong with me) and overwhelm when I was an adult (incidentally, just in case you’re interested, this overwhelm also came from feeling like I wasn’t good enough, which led to me always trying to prove myself while ultimately never believing that I could. This is why I was able to quit smoking in one night. The shamanic ceremony ripped all my remaining self-loathing right out of me and brought me to self-love. The compensating mechanism of smoking was no longer needed and simply dissolved.)

Step 3: Shift that negative emotion in a healthier and more permanent way

While it’s true that the smoking gives you relief from this negative emotion like fear or loneliness or overwhelm or powerlessness, it’s only ever a temporary fix. That’s because you haven’t actually shifted the emotion. You haven’t cured the disease, you’ve just taken a painkiller, so to speak. If you want to release smoking once and for all, you’ll have to find a way to actually feel better. Look for ways that will give you what you actually want.

• If you smoke out of boredom, sign up for a class, make some friends, go on an adventure.
• If you smoke because you have a horrible boss, shift your energy around your job.
• If you’re lonely, focus on attracting your soul mate.
• If you’re trying to fit in, learn to love yourself.
• If you’re feeling powerless, let the anger out and learn to stand up for yourself.

Whatever it is that you’re trying to obtain by smoking, look for ways to actually bring that feeling into your life.

Bottom line

There are no smokers and non-smokers. There are people who use smoking to escape some negative emotion they’re holding on to and there are people who use something else to do the same. Everyone has their coping mechanisms. The key is to become aware of those actions you’d like to change, and find out what it is you’re compensating for. What are you finding relief from? Is this a lot more work than just wearing a damn patch? Yes. A LOT more. It’s about you getting real with your bad self, figuring out what makes you tick, learning where your pain is and letting it go. I know, it can seem daunting, only it’s really not so bad. You see, when you shift this negative emotion, not only will smoking just magically and PERMANENTLY drift out of your life (it usually happens over a few weeks’ time, not instantly like in my case), but you’ll feel tons better. Your vibration will rise, you’ll become happier and then, well, then you’ll turn into a happy shiny puppy who can have whatever she wants.

Because, this is about more than quitting smoking. It’s about you learning that you’re not nearly as powerless as you’ve been led to believe. Quitting smoking is just the tip of the iceberg. This is about you getting everything you’ve ever wanted. This is about you realizing Who You Really Are and what you’re truly capable of. Yeah… you weren’t expecting that, were you?  

Coaching Call #050 was released yesterday. The topic of this week’s call is: Why Does She Have MS and How Can She Heal It?

I LOVELOVELOVE this call! I know that I say this a lot, but tough titties, people. Awesomeness abounds! This caller gave me the opportunity to explain physical conditions and illness in a way I’ve never done before. Why do we manifest major conditions such as MS? Is it really just all about resistance? Yes and no. Learn the incredibly uplifting and empowering reason behind manifestations of the body. You’ll never look at “disease” and healing the same way again.

Read the full call summary here.

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Anger – in my opinion, one of the most important and yet sadly most misunderstood emotions. I’ve written quite a bit about anger here on the blog, and will no doubt continue to do so. Almost every client I’ve ever had needed to go through some type of anger release at one time or another during their healing journey, and it’s a topic that seems to be coming up more and more lately. I firmly believe that more problems are caused by suppressed anger than by any other limiting belief. Our prisons are full of people with anger issues. So are our schools, our workplaces, our roads, our sports stadiums, our hospitals, and just about any place you find unhappy people. Let me be clear about this: Anger isn’t the problem. It’s the solution. Suppressed anger is the problem.

What is anger?

If you’d like to get a better understanding of what anger is and why it’s important, you can check out these blog posts:

The Power of Anger – Why it’s OK to be Angry

Negative Emotions: Anger

Questions About Anger

The Do’s And Don’ts Of Anger

For those of you who don’t want to go to all that trouble, here’s a quick recap of what anger actually is:

Anger is the emotional state that pulls you out of powerlessness. It’s not a pretty emotion, but it’s a vital one. When you’re feeling like you have no control over your life, when you feel that bad things just happen to you and there’s nothing you can do about it, when you feel that other people have all the power for some reason you can’t control, you’re going to very naturally begin to feel resentful and angry. Anger isn’t powerless. Anger feels powerful. It’s the emotion that causes you to finally begin to turn the negative focus from yourself outward toward someone or something else.

Now, while the angry state isn’t one in which we’ll want to stay forever, it’s an absolutely vital part of our healing process. Or, to put it more accurately, an inability or unwillingness to experience and express anger in a constructive way keeps us stuck in powerlessness and pain. Anger is healthy and necessary, if you ever want to feel truly better. Again, if you want to know more, please read the blog posts I mentioned above.

Releasing anger

Releasing anger requires that we feel it. We have to actually allow ourselves to experience anger in order to let it out. This is where most people lose the plot: they have such strong negative associations with what they think anger is, that they’re absolutely unwilling to let any of it out. The second they have a natural and necessary anger response, they shut it down. They’ve been taught that anger is a bad thing, and they avoid it at all costs. But this is a HUGE mistake.

Anger doesn’t just go away. It’s the body and energy body’s way of pulling us out of pain, out of powerlessness. The longer you stay in powerlessness, the more anger will build up, until one day there’s an uncontrolled explosion. THIS is what most people think anger looks like. But they’re wrong. THIS is what an uncontrolled, DEstructive anger release looks like. And yes, I’ll admit – those are scary as hell.

What we’re after is a CONstructive, controlled and healing anger release.

The three rules of constructive anger

In order for an anger release to be healing, it must follow three important rules:

1. Direct the anger OUTWARD. You can direct the anger at anything or anyone you like, EXCEPT yourself. Turning anger on yourself will shut it down. As will feelings of guilt about the anger. A truly CONstructive anger release will not cause guilt. Make sure you keep your focus firmly directed outwards.
2. Anything goes. No matter how ugly your thoughts get, not matter how petty, or mean, or hateful, allow them. Entertaining these thoughts will not suddenly turn you into a psycho killer. That’s not how that works. And thinking “I hate him!” will not negate the love you generally feel for him. Using someone you love to help you release anger is not disloyal (no, not even when they’re dead) or damaging to them. This is about you shifting how you feel. A well-executed, constructive anger release will leave you feeling MUCH, MUCH better than you may have ever thought possible.
3. Do it alone, if at all possible. This rule exists for two reasons:

• There’s no good reason to spew your anger all over someone. This will, in fact, make it much harder for you to have a healing anger release. You might start off letting out a bunch of angry words, but the second you lose a little bit of steam, you’ll begin to feel guilty for having hurt the other person and you’ll shut yourself down.
• Most people will not be able to handle your anger. They won’t understand it. They’ll think the anger is about them and they’ll do their best to shut you down. And, if you’re like most people, you’ll let them.

Of course, there are going to be situations in which you’re going to get angry in someone’s presence. If it’s a stranger, you can always just walk away from them and go have your anger release in private. But, what about when your partner or parent or child makes you angry? What if you’re right in the middle of an anger release before you even notice what happened? What if you simply can’t walk away? Can you still save the moment and make it constructive, or is it better to just soothe the other person and deal with it later?

When others shut your anger down

It’s very, very rare for someone to have grown up in a family where anger was not only allowed, but encouraged. Most parents squashed any sign of anger, thinking it was harmful or inappropriate. My own mother used to squash our anger when I was little. Whenever my sister or I got mad, she’d get even madder, intimidating us into not being angry anymore.

A few years ago, when we all got together in the same city for a family wedding, we were all sitting around one afternoon, catching up. My sister and I started teasing each other, but as is so often the case with siblings, our teasing had a bit of an edge to it. Her words were triggering me just a bit. I was actually much more annoyed than angry, but that was close enough for my mom to interfere (keep in mind we were all well into adulthood at this point) and try to shut the anger down. And in that moment something wonderful happened, something that changed our little family’s relationship forever.

I exploded. And then I had an epiphany. The two events were only seconds apart, and in fact, I had my epiphany by listening to what was coming out of my mouth.

I turned to my mom and yelled at/pleased with her: “You never let me be angry! Why won’t you let me be angry? You always just shut us down! I need you to let me be angry. This has nothing to do with you. Why are you making this about you? Why are you getting involved at all? WE were having a discussion between the two of us (my sister and I). Why are you making this about you?”

My mom looked at me with stunned silence. But then, as she thought about it, she realized that she never allowed herself to be angry, either. She’d grown up with an angry father who had explosive outbursts, and would take his anger out on anyone in proximity, whether they deserved it or not. And, she’d always associated anger with pain and suffering. In her mind, she’d been trying to protect us from that suffering by shutting down our anger. My little outburst had brought this thought process to the surface. It opened the door to have one of the most authentic conversations we’d ever had. Not only that, but it led to some massive healing for all of us.

This realization was all it took for my mom to be able to allow anger in her presence and not personalize it. But it was also incredibly important for me to have expressed my frustration at not being allowed to be angry. It gave me a whole different understanding of why I’d suppressed and internalized so much of my anger over the years, not just with my family, but with everyone. If my mom wasn’t there to shut down my anger, I ended up doing it myself. Did I HAVE TO allow someone to squash my anger? No. But I hadn’t known that. And of course, neither had the rest of my family. But now we did, and with that knowledge came power.

Anger isn’t supposed to build up

My mom was sort of right about one thing: Anger can feel painful. But it’s not the anger that causes the pain, it’s the suppression of anger that causes all the problems. If all goes well, we have an experience that makes us feel a little bit powerless, we get angry, throw a little tantrum, feel better and move on. In a perfect world, anger releases would be immediate and last for seconds. But that’s not how we normally roll, is it? By squashing our anger, we put a lid on a pressure cooker that’s sitting on a flame. The pressure’s just going to build and build until one day it has no choice but to explode. When we constructively release anger, however, it’s like we’re doing a controlled release – we’re slowly letting the steam out, so that it doesn’t have to explode. The pressure decreases and we feel a lot better.

When you understand how to vent anger in a healthy way, you never have to let it build up again. Not only that, but you can get rid of old, suppressed anger without doing any damage.

Releasing anger in front of others

While anger releasing is best done in private, it is absolutely possible to have a constructive experience with another person present. The key is to provide all involved parties with a clear understanding of what anger is all about. Remember that no one is shutting down your anger on purpose. There are merely reacting from their own misunderstanding about what anger is. Here are the rules:

1. Keep in mind that if you’ve attracted someone into your experience who won’t “allow” you to be angry, it’s almost certainly a sign that you’re not comfortable with releasing anger.
2. Do your best to talk about how YOU feel, not what they’ve done wrong. If you want to accuse them of hurting you, do this alone. You cannot expect anyone to just sit there while you make them responsible for how you feel. This isn’t about them.  They may have triggered you, but the thing you’re REALLY angry about has nothing to do with them. It’s all about you and how you’re looking at them, at yourself or the world. Remember that anger is a healing reaction to powerlessness. What is it you’re feeling so powerless about?
3. Request permission to get angry in their presence. You’re never really angry at someone, you’re merely angry in their presence. If you’re living with someone who shuts down your anger the second you show any signs of allowing it, have a chat with them when both of you are calm and open to hearing the other. Explain to them that you do need to be angry, that everyone does, and that even if you’re angry while in the same room as them, it’s never going to truly have anything to do with them. Also explain that if they make it about them by trying to make you feel guilty or by getting insecure, you’re not going to react well. Of course, you’ll want to return the favor and not make their anger about you.
4. Respect what they can handle. If you have a partner or loved one who simply cannot detach from your anger, even once they understand that it’s not about them and that this is a healing process, then do your best not to be angry in their presence. Go for a walk. Go to the other room. Explain to them that you’re going off to be angry and that you’ll be back when you’re calmer. If they follow you and try to squash your anger, give them the speech I shared with you above.
5. Stand up for your right to be angry. Your partner or anyone who spends a lot of time with you needs to allow you to be angry. They don’t need to put up with you yelling at them or taking that anger out on them. They get to set their own boundaries. But they don’t get to just jump in and squash your anger. The key here is not to force someone to be your anger release buddy. It’s to send the message to yourself that you are absolutely allowed to be angry. You are allowed to FEEL anger and, in fact, you must if you ever want to be truly happy. You have to allow your emotions.

When you truly recognize that you get to be angry, and you adopt this realization to the point where you won’t allow the discomfort or lack of understanding of others to stop your anger release, you’ll often find that something miraculous happens: the people in your reality will become much more allowing of you in general. Communication between you will improve. Honestly, I’ve seen this one realization save several relationships and greatly improve countless more. I’ve witnessed people letting go of years of guilt, shame, unworthiness, grief, self-blame and a whole host of other emotions in just a couple of hours (Best. Job. Ever.). In fact, I’ve NEVER seen any process as powerful as and with a greater potential to affect positive change in less time than a well-executed anger release.

Bottom line

Remember: Releasing anger is healing. Just make sure it’s a constructive release. If you’re spewing your rage all over someone and they don’t like it, that doesn’t mean you should shut down the anger. Just stop releasing it all over them. Go off by yourself and be angry. Journal angry words. Write angry letters that you’ll never send. Indulge in fantasies of flinging your arch nemesis out of a bar window. There is never anything wrong or inappropriate about anger. Not all methods of expressing it will be acceptable, but the anger itself is healthy. Practice releasing it in a constructive way, and I promise you, it will change your life.

Need an anger release buddy? I just opened up my June coaching schedule and have several spots free. If you’ve been considering a coaching session, check out my monthly program here, or contact me for further information.  

Awesome Kristen asks: “I have been reading your blog lately and really getting interested in the way you present things. I am a burgeoning therapist and I am trying to reconcile some of what I’ve learned here with what I know about our brains on a neurobiological level. It seems to me that the LOA favors those brains that have been formed “correctly” so to speak. Most people can “overcome” limiting beliefs. Most people can raise their vibrations. But what about those people who, from early childhood or even the womb, have brains that do not function properly?

For example, attachment theory is the study of how an infant/young child relates to his or her caregiver. A child that is neglected will literally experience a wilting effect of neuropathways in the brain. They are not able to experience emotions the same way that you and I might and often have very skewed cognition. How is one to overcome something so seemingly insurmountable with pure belief when belief and emotion are concepts not even within their grasp? These connections or lack thereof are produced before higher cognition is readily available. Could you help me understand this?”

Dearest Awesome Kristen,

You can’t know what someone else’s experience is

First of all, let’s remember that we can never really objectively know what someone else is experiencing. We can assume, we can guess, we can empathize, and we can imagine what WE would feel in their position. But we can’t know. This concept was brought home to me powerfully just a couple of weeks ago when someone shared a video with me. In it, an autistic girl, whom everyone had assumed was locked into her own, developmentally disabled world, began to communicate via a computer and shattered any preconceived notions we have about what an autistic person’s experience is really like. The problem is that we can only ever apply our own perspective to the experience of another, and since our perspectives can vary widely, our conclusions, no matter how logical, about what it’s like to be someone else, can be completely wrong.

So, while some people SEEM to be unable to process emotions “correctly”, this does not mean they are not processing feelings. They may simply be doing so in a very different way than we can currently understand. If someone seems to be unable to focus, it does not mean that they are not focusing. But they may be expressing that focus in a way WE can’t process.

You don’t need to know this crap in order for it to work

Ok, so this might sound a little counterintuitive, coming from someone who makes her living explaining the Law of Attraction in nitty gritty detail. But the truth is, the process that underlies LOA, including the emotional feedback system and the releasing of beliefs, works whether you understand it, or not. Some people find it very helpful to understand the framework in some way (I specialize in helping those people), but it’s not strictly necessary.

Small children, too young to cognitively understand emotions, can still experience the process by which beliefs are released. This is because it all comes down to energy. At the core of all this work, all these explanations, all these blog posts and funny pictures, etc., is just vibration. Frequency. Energy.

A young boy of six months who is trying to do something he cannot yet do, will get frustrated and will throw a little tantrum. He might pump his fists and cry a little. But generally speaking, if given the opportunity, he’ll recover very quickly and become distracted by something new. He’ll form a belief, “I can’t do this. Something is wrong!”, that belief will feel bad, he’ll have an emotional reaction – the tantrum, and then he’ll feel relief and move on. Tadaaa! He just shifted some energy and found his balance again. If we could all allow ourselves to do that, there would be no limiting beliefs. Unfortunately, we’ve learned that feeling bad is just a part of life and should be tolerated.

Animals shift energy. They aren’t as specifically focused as we are, and they generally have a higher vibration than we do, so they don’t often experience the range of contrast (bad stuff) that we do. But they have their own resistance and they shift energy.

Being smart can be a hindrance

Having a cognitive understanding of our world isn’t necessarily helpful when it comes to shifting beliefs. The content on my site is geared towards intelligent people, precisely because they face unique challenges when it comes to this work. The better you “understand” the rules of this world, even if they are wrong, the harder it will be for you to change your mind. It’s your mind, in fact, that will fight you. You need to deliver a lot of evidence before it will accept a whole different paradigm.

I’m not saying that stupid people have it easier (I’m not saying that they don’t…), but what I am saying is that cognitive understanding is not at all necessary in order to do this work, and is, in fact, a hindrance. Nature reacts to changes, some good, some bad, and rebalances itself. Shifting energy or releasing beliefs is simply a way of rebalancing. One could argue that nature is often much wiser than we are, and yet, all it has access to is the wisdom of pure intuition. Huh.

Can a lack of emotions be a good thing?

So, if someone is born with cognitive impairment, it can allow them to have a very different, often much more positive (potentially) experience than the rest of us, simply because they aren’t going to be making as many bullshit decisions as we tend to do. A lack of understanding of beliefs and thoughts leads to LESS limiting beliefs.

But what about if someone can’t process emotions the way we do? Well, again, I have to remind us all that we can’t really ever know what someone is experiencing. So, just because someone doesn’t seem to be expressing or even feeling emotions in a way we can understand, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t doing it. Everyone experiences feedback, but they don’t necessarily express it the same way. Everyone experiences intuition. They may not listen to it, but they do feel it or have the potential to feel it. We are all energetic beings, no matter how we’ve chosen to manifest our physical representations. And we’re all connected to Who We Really Are. No exceptions.

Keeping in mind that everyone experiences some kind of feedback, you may begin to look these patients in a completely different way. Assume that there’s more going on in there than you can perceive (and than you may ever be able to fully understand). Assume that nothing has gone wrong. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. Just because you don’t understand why someone would manifest their condition doesn’t mean there’s not a really good reason.

Simply put, having an emotional “impairment” allows the individual to experience their reality in a very different way. They may not be encumbered by the same emotional baggage as the rest of us, or held back by the same understanding of the wrong framework. Of course, this doesn’t mean that they don’t experience suffering or resistance. Of course they do, as each of us does. They’re just having a REALLY unique time of it.

How do we help them?

Now that I’ve explained why someone might manifest a difference in how they process emotions, let’s take a look at what I believe is at the core of your question: How can you help an individual who seems to be lacking the ability to process emotions the way that the rest of us do?

The short answer is: you can’t. Since there’s nothing wrong with them, they don’t need fixing. They do not need to learn how to process their emotions OUR way. They have THEIR way, and it’s just as valid, thank you very much. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t help them when they’re suffering. Here are some tips (a lot of these are good tips for your practice in general, actually. You’re welcome.):

• Remember that your patient has to be a match to being helped, or nothing you do will make a difference. Set a strong intention to attract ONLY those whom you can help.
• Remember that you cannot know what their experience is. If you approach the individual with the assumption that they’re not “normal”, and that something has gone wrong, you won’t make much headway. If, however, you assume that there is a good reason for their condition, that perhaps they’ve come to experience life in their own, unique and perfectly valid way, then you’ll get farther.
• Assume that there is more going on that you can perceive. Try to let go of all your preconceived notions (and I realize that this is going to contradict the desire to compare what you can perceive to previous cases and what’s in the textbooks. Tough titties.)
• Prepare yourself energetically before you even meet. Do not expect anything specific to happen (no preconceived notions, remember?), but focus on the feeling you want to achieve. Place yourself into a state of love. If you can achieve this high vibration and stabilize there (don’t allow the circumstances around you to bring you out of it), you’ll find that your interactions with ALL patients will be vastly different.
• Understand that even if your patient doesn’t seem to be processing emotions in the way you understand, there will be one constant: There will be BETTER and WORSE. They can feel suffering and relief. Some things will agitate them and some will soothe them. You stated in your question that “Most people can raise their vibrations.” I’d like to contradict that: ALL people (and things and just “stuff”) can raise their vibrations. Even a houseplant can have a higher or lower vibration. And all people (and things, blah, blah) can be affected by the vibrations around them, if they allow it (which almost everyone does.) I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing this first hand: Years ago, I volunteered with severely handicapped children. They couldn’t express themselves or interact at all. There was no recognition that they had any idea what was going on. Until we took them to the pool and immersed them gently in the warm water. I worked with a little girl and would help her float in the water, which was clearly pleasurable for her. This child who couldn’t speak, couldn’t look at me, could do pretty much nothing all day but sit in her wheelchair and drool, would get a look of intense delight on her face when she was in the water. From my perspective, she was completely present in the moment and by doing so, helped me to do the same. It was beautiful and it’s safe to say that BOTH our vibrations were significantly raised by the experience.
• Use your intuition. Feel your way through an interaction with the individual. Again, this may not jive with your psychology training, since you may be inspired to interact in a way that isn’t part of normal treatment protocol. Oh well.
• Remember that the individual is perceiving life differently and will therefore interact differently. This may be true even if they can express themselves verbally. Just because someone can talk doesn’t mean that they’re speaking your language.
• Focus mostly on vibrational interaction. Send love to the patient. Accept them as they are, and understand that nothing has gone wrong. They are not broken. They don’t need to be fixed. Sit with them and notice how your energy affects them. You may be in for some really interesting findings.
• Allow this individual to experience their reality in their own way. The goal is not to make them like everyone else. It’s to help them find their own joy. Do your best to interact with them on their level, whenever possible. Use music, sounds, soft textures, different lighting, and whatever else you can think of to try and bring about relief.
• And, most importantly: Figure out what it is you’re trying to achieve. If your desire is to truly help, then make sure you’re working towards THEIR goals, not yours. Use visualization to focus on that goal in a way that feels really good to you, and then allow yourself to be inspired to the action and methodology that will bring it about. And if, in the process, you come up with a whole new branch of psychology, so be it.

Bottom line

When someone is born with different and what we consider to be limited abilities, we have this tendency to think that something has gone wrong and that we need to help them overcome their obstacles. This isn’t generally true, though. A different experience is not worse. It’s simply different. But, if you’re treating those who seem to be severely limited in their cognitive or emotional capabilities, you’ll have to use your intuition more than ever. Recognize them as vibrational beings who are seeking joy and who are being called to it. You don’t need to help them do that. But you can ease their way by helping them find relief. Try anything that makes them feel better. That’s the key. Of course, that’s not bad advice for the rest of your patients, either. Just saying…

Coaching Call #049 came out yesterday. The topic of this weeks’ call is: She Wants to Have a Successful Music Career.

I think this might be the post passionate call I’ve ever done (I love working with artists. The energy is just amazing). This caller is a professional singer who’s in the midst of making a comeback after taking a break. She’s battling both her own doubts and fears as well as those of her manager. Will she lose everything, or can she line herself up with the success she knows, deep down, is hers for the taking?

This call is for artists and creative types of any kind. We also go heavily into fears of financial ruin, making money in an economic “crisis”, and beliefs that tie one’s financial well-being to the actions of others. So, you know, it’s pretty much for everyone.

See the full call summary here.

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So, you finally go on vacation and the first thing that happens is that you get a raging head cold. You shift some energy and find a better feeling emotional place, only to wake up nauseous the next day. You finally manage to stand up to your passive aggressive mother in law, and promptly get a herpes blister on your lip. What the hell, Universe? Are you being punished for being kind to yourself? Is the Universe sending you a message that you’re doing it wrong? Or, perhaps it’s the answer behind door number three – there’s a perfectly good explanation for what’s happening. I’ll give you teensy hint: It’s door number 3, y’all.

This isn’t a metaphor, people

You’re not being punished for being kind to yourself and you’re not doing it wrong. When you shift energy from a lower to a higher state, you are actually shifting energy. This isn’t some metaphor, or some theoretical blah-blah, you are actually changing from a lower frequency to a higher one. And this, dun-dun-dun-dunnnnnn, has consequences.

Actually, that isn’t quite accurate. When you hold on to beliefs and thoughts that don’t serve you, when you focus on frequencies that contract the vibration of Who You Really Are and what you really want, and you do it for a long enough time, THAT has consequences. First, you feel some negative emotion. If you’re sensitive enough, you’ll be able to notice this feedback at this early stage and do something about it (focus in a way that feels better). But if, like most people alive today, you were taught not to pay attention to your stupid, unnecessary, girly feelings, and push on ahead, the discord created by this resistance (the contradictory frequency) will manifest in bigger and more obvious ways.

When the non-physical becomes physical

When you think a thought, you actually begin to vibrate at the frequency of that thought. If the thought is “positive”, if it matches or closely resembles the thought you want to be thinking, it’s said to have a high frequency. So, if you’re thinking “I love myself” (or I love [insert anything here]), that will match what Who You Really Are (which, incidentally, is also Who You Really Want To Be) is thinking. This thought will feel good. If you think “OMG, I can’t believe how stupid I am!”, that will not match what Who You Really Are is thinking. This thought will feel bad.

What few people realize is that the feeling, the emotion, is already a type of physical manifestation. Emotions are actually caused by chemical processes in the brain. So, when you focus on a thought, the distance between that thought and the one you REALLY want to think will create a response. Your brain then translates that response into all kinds of wonderful (and not so wonderful) chemicals, which are then distributed throughout your body. When you have an extreme emotional response, you’ll actually feel it somewhere in your physical body. Anxiety can make your stomach hurt. Grief can actually make your heart tighten up painfully. Disgust can make your skin crawl with pins and needles and goosebumps, etc. But even in the more subtle stages, emotions are already a physical manifestation of the energy we’ve attuned ourselves to.

When we hold on to a contradictory frequency or “resistance” for any length of time, that discord is spread throughout our energy body AND our physical body. Your body is always trying to find balance, but since you and your focus are the boss, it must mirror the vibration you’re holding on to back to you. It will seek the frequency of What You Really Want, but will have to respond to what you’re actually focusing on.

To put it in simpler terms: Your body wants to be whole and healthy and balanced and a happy shiny puppy. But if you keep focusing on stuff that feels bad, it creates an actual, physical response that mucks up the works. You might as well be eating poison. That’s right, your thoughts are actually translated into physical responses that either help or hurt your body. Hold on to the resistance long enough, and you’ll create physical ailments and eventually, disease.

Taking out the trash

Now, let’s say that you’ve been focusing on all kinds of ugly, bad feeling, gunky thoughts. You’ve been holding yourself in a situation that doesn’t feel good, because of obligation or some other bullshit reason. You’ve been suffering because you figure that your pain will translate into gain at some point. You’ve been sacrificing yourself for others, for work, for God or whatever. In other words, you’ve been doing stuff that doesn’t feel good.

And then you stop. You go on vacation and relax. You take up meditation. You hire a coach or do some energy work yourself and manage to gain a different perspective. You start to think better feeling thoughts. You begin to focus on a frequency that’s more closely aligned with Who You Really Are. This is a good thing. Only now that you’ve done that, your physical body also has to shift. As the beneficial changes you’ve just made to your energy body translate into the physical, your body begins to heal, which may entail physical symptoms of that healing. This is called “purging”, and it’s basically a way for your body to take out the trash.

You may not realize just how much of an effect your workaholism has had on your body, for example. But when you go on vacation and your whole system seems to break down into a mucus-y, sniffly, stuffy, achey breaky mess, that’s your body rebalancing itself and undoing all the damage you’ve been doing by not noticing just how bad it feels to work 18 hours a day. The worse your purging symptoms are, the greater the energy shift achieved and/or, the more damage the resistance you’ve just released was doing.

Purging symptoms

Purging can take many forms. Here are a few I’ve noticed:

• Increased Fatigue (the need to sleep a lot more)
• Yawning
• Crying
• Nausea, stomach ache, vomiting (puking is an extreme symptom, usually brought on by large shifts like the ones achieved in shamanic ceremonies)
• Diarrhea or simply increased pooping (Ha! Made you laugh!)
• Flu like symptoms, head cold
• Heavier menstrual cycle, increased cramping
• Jittery, manic energy (NOT the euphoria that comes after a shift. This usually shows up after the purging)
• Problems falling asleep or staying asleep
• Lack of appetite
• Increased appetite and cravings
• Increased mucus production (stuffy nose, mucus in the throat, coughing)
• Increased sensitivity to hot and cold temperatures
• Etc.

You may have noticed that these symptoms are all over the place and many of them contradict each other. This is because everyone purges differently. Not only that, but some people will tend to have a lot of physical symptoms, while others may have very few or even none, no matter how much energy work they do. You are an individual, unique flower in this Universe. You get to have your own, individual, unique purging symptoms.

Don’t fight it

Purging is a good thing, if not always convenient. The best possible thing you can do is to honor your body and just go with it. If you get sick or tired, rest. Don’t try to push through it. You want this stuff to come out. This is as a physical manifestation of the negative energy you are releasing. It is a rebalancing of physical consequences your body has already suffered. Allow it to happen.

In many cases, you’ll find that you’re grateful for the “excuse” to relax and take it easy, if you allow yourself to do so. While having a head cold isn’t fun, getting plenty of sleep or spending the day in front of the TV and doing nothing can feel like a huge relief from the ordeal you’re normally putting yourself through. Pay attention to that.

If you don’t fight the symptoms but succumb to them, if you take your body’s cue and just take it easy for a bit, the symptoms will pass much faster. If you resist the purging you are, in fact, creating more resistance. Think about it.

Bottom line

This purging will not last forever, nor will you always have to suffer as much when you shift some energy. As you clean up your vibration more and more, the symptoms will get lighter. You may have some stomach issues today, but within a few months of deliberately feeling better, you may find that your purging takes the form of crying, instead. If you no longer put the same pressure on yourself at work, you’ll no longer get sick when you go on vacation. If you learn to stand up for yourself on a regular basis and honor your boundaries all the time, your body will no longer need to react to the one time you do it.

Allow your body to do what it needs to do. It’s simply finding its balance and undoing all the damage that was done by focusing in a way that didn’t serve you. It’s healing. All you have to do is let it.

Have you experienced purging symptoms? Share in the comments! I love to read what you have to say!

That’s right, you read correctly: today I’m going to share a concept with you that can change your life. It’s definitely changed mine and those of my clients. Like all LOA techniques, it’s not really difficult, and yet you may find yourself struggling with it at first (then, it’ll get easier). In fact, your mind may tell you that it’s far too simple to make a real difference. Don’t listen to that crap. Your mind is an effing liar. Are you ready? Here we go:

Meet Bob

Bob is having a hard time lately. He really, really hates his job. When he comes home at night, he tells his wife all about how his boss is a jerk, his co-workers are back stabbing, credit stealing douchebags, how his work is so deeply unsatisfying that he spends his days thinking up creative ways to commit suicide using office supplies, how the commute sucks, how the economy is in the crapper, making it impossible to find a new job, how even if he did manage to find a new job it would just suck, too because all companies are the same, how everyone but him is a total idiot, how all those idiots are making his life hell, and what’s the point of any of this anyway… Bob will give the same speech at the pub with his friends. They’ll sit around drinking one beer after another, hoping to numb the pain a little bit, while dissecting in minute detail just why exactly everything sucks so badly. Theories about whose fault it is (government, the CEO’s, the Illuminati, parents, other people i.e. “idiots”, women, fathers, the greeting card industry, the flying Spaghetti monster, etc.) will abound, with reasons laid out so logically and well prepared it’s a wonder there aren’t any Powerpoint slides to back up the presentation with.

Bob and his friends put a lot of thought and effort into figuring out just how bad the magnitude of the general suckitude is, why and how it got that way, and why it’s impossible for anything to change.

Sound familiar, anyone?

Focusing on the problem

Now, Bob might think that what he’s doing is “defining the problem”. He’s figuring out what he doesn’t like and why he doesn’t like it. And I’ll agree with him on that point. He is doing that. Only, he’s doing it and doing it and doing it and not doing anything BUT that. Defining a problem doesn’t take long. You can generally figure it out in a few minutes, sometimes even seconds. Some really big problems might take a few days. But if you’re defining a problem for weeks, months, or years, you’re not figuring out what you don’t like. You’re pushing against a door marked “pull”, while bitching about the fact that it won’t open.

When you focus on what you don’t want and why you don’t want it, you’re adding energy and momentum to what you don’t want. That means, you’re going to attract more of it into your life. Bob’s incessant complaining about and dissecting of his sucky job is causing him to experience a worse and worse environment at work. He’s meeting up with his boss and co-workers when they’re in the foulest of moods, calling clients at the worst possible moment, and leaving work when the commute is at its most awful.

But, this is generally what we do: We define a problem to death. If you’ve ever heard yourself say “And I’ll tell you another thing that sucks about…”, you’ve experienced the downward spiral that focusing on what you don’t want causes. It becomes easier and easier to think of aspects of this situation that you don’t like. In fact, you never realized just how bad the situation is, until you had a chance to bitch about it incessantly for two hours with your friends!

Meet Suzie

I’ll give you another example: Suzie went on a date last night. The guy seemed pretty nice, and they had a good time, but at the end of the date, he didn’t kiss her good night. The next day, Suzie has lunch with her friends, where they dissect the date in minute detail. The overall date was quite a good experience, however, Suzie is disappointed that the guy didn’t kiss her and sees this as a sign that something must’ve gone wrong. First, she gives her friends a play by play of the date, including every word said, every breath taken, every eyelash that was batted. And as she focuses on “something must be wrong”, and as her friends encourage her to find something wrong with HIM rather than HERSELF, she begins to remember all kinds of details that bugged her. Even though none of these things bothered her last night, they suddenly loom large in the light of day.

He seemed kind of quiet when she was talking about her job. He’s probably totally intimidated by powerful women (he couldn’t just have been listening, right?). He didn’t pull out her chair for her at the restaurant! He has no manners (never mind that she got to the table first and sat down before he had a chance to pull out her chair, or that she had no expectation of him doing so at the time)! He ordered for her/didn’t order for her. He flirted with the waitress. Sort of. Ok, she flirted with him and he didn’t immediately get up on the table and proclaim loudly that he was on a date and therefore OFF LIMITS, YOU SLUTS! He was actually just being friendly, but now that she’s thinking about it, he should’ve intuitively sensed her discomfort and done something. What an asshole.

Before she knows what’s happened, Suzie’s date goes from a pleasant experience to one of the worst dates of her freaking life. The more she focuses on the negatives, the more she finds. Hell, her mind will even make up some evidence if it needs to.

Where are the positives?

Both Bob and Suzie are doing what most of the population does when it sees something it doesn’t like. And this is one area where being intelligent really doesn’t help. Those of us who like to be analytical tend to dissect things in greater detail. We will figure out to the last molecule why something doesn’t meet our standards. We’re always looking for what could be done better, and consequently what isn’t good enough. And in doing so, of course we find loads and loads of evidence.

But, what about the positives? Take Bob’s job: is EVERYTHING about it really horrible? Or are there some good aspects to it? Well, Bob generally doesn’t think about them, but when he does, he gives them only a cursory mention. “Ok, so my boss isn’t a total jerk. He did go to bat for us on that project. But that doesn’t make up for [insert huge list of offenses by jerky boss].” The positives are footnotes, at best, with the negatives being the main show. And the opening act. And the encore. And the CD you buy and take home to listen to after the show. I think you get my point.

Why we like to bitch

But why do we insist on complaining about what we don’t like in such great detail? Well, first of all, we’ve been taught from an early age that if you want to change anything, you’ve got to figure out what the problem is. If you just understand the problem enough, you can figure out a solution. And so, we dissect and dissect and dissect. “Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it” becomes the mantra we use to justify this incredibly one sided focus. Only, that’s a bunch of crap.

Those who focus incessantly on history are doomed to repeat it. Why? Because you get what you focus on. Can you learn from history? Absolutely. But not unless you actually shift your focus off of the problem and onto the solution. You actually have to be willing to see the lesson in order to learn from it. And that’s the step that most people totally miss.

The second reason why we love to complain so much is because it can be quite satisfying, at least in the short run. There’s something happening that we don’t like. We feel badly about it. But we also feel powerless to change it (false belief). When we discuss, in minute detail, what we hate and why we hate it, and get others to agree with us (ever notice how no one likes to bitch alone?), it’s like we’re being given permission to feel the way we feel. We’re being told that we’re RIGHT. And that feels kind of good. It doesn’t hold a candle to how good the solution would feel, but hey, we don’t believe in solutions, so this is the best we can do, right? *cough, cough*

What to do instead

I’d like to present you with an alternative option: Do the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. Treat the negatives as footnotes and make the positives the main show. Why? Because that’s what you want more of, and you get more of what you focus on!

What would that look like in the real world? Well, you’d log onto Facebook or the blogosphere and see postings like this:

• I love my job because…
• I have the best husband/wife/mother in law because…
• Here are five reasons why I love my job.
• Ten reasons why I have the best boss in the world (and how you can too!)
• The top 100 reasons why I’m so damn awesome.

When Bob goes to the pub with his friends, they would ask each other questions like “What went right today?”, “What are you proud of today?” and “What did your boss and coworkers do today that you can appreciate them for?” In the beginning, Bob might have a hard time coming up with examples, but just like the negative spiral pulls you down and builds momentum making it easier and easier to criticize, the positive spiral works the same way. After just a little bit of positive focus, Bob suddenly remembers all kinds of little details that made him smile. The little kindnesses, the donuts someone brought, the fact that he didn’t need to do that report he didn’t want to do, etc. The fact that his boss fought for them on that project would take the main stage, with the group dissecting just why that was so awesome and why it felt so good. Negatives would get cursory mentions, “Yeah, he was in a bad mood yesterday, but he’s probably really tired. Did you hear that he’s trying to get us all raises? How awesome is that?”

When Suzie meets up with the girls the day after her date, they ask her all about his best qualities. So what that he didn’t kiss her, they say. It may be a sign that he really liked her and doesn’t want to rush it. Isn’t that respectful and wonderful? And as she gives them the play by play, she remembers all kinds of little wonderful details. The way he smiled when she opened the door. How he put his hand on her hip when they walked through the restaurant. The way he appreciated her offering to the pay the bill, but insisted on picking it up. The way his arms felt when he hugged her good night. Oh wait, he hugged her good night! And it was a really nice hug! It lasted way longer than a normal hug! In the other scenario where negativity reigned, that little nugget was totally missed.

Talk about what you want. Incessantly.

Instead of focusing relentlessly on what you don’t want, talk about what you do want, why you want it, what you like, and why you like it. Dissect it, play with it, discuss it with others, ask questions designed to elicit positive responses, be like a dog with a bone. A really, really tasty, positive, happy, shiny bone.

When you hear others talking about what they don’t want, ask them “So, what is that you’d like to see happen instead?” You may need to keep reminding them to go positive a few times, but more people than you may have ever imagined will be willing to answer that question. Some people will insist on bitching. Don’t play with those people. But a larger segment of the population than ever before, while generally negatively focused, will be happy to focus positively when given a chance to do so. Give them that chance. Give yourself that chance.

If you can’t figure out what you want, if you can’t seem to focus positively, then change the subject for a while. Look for something that you can feel good about already. That’ll help. In other words, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Or, to put it even more bluntly: Be positive or shut up.

Does this mean that you can’t EVER complain?

This is a question that many struggle with. Is it really NEVER ok to complain? Should we censor ourselves and everyone around us ALL THE FREAKING TIME? Well, considering that I’m a fairly heavy user of sarcasm myself, I feel it would be hypocritical of me to teach others that they can never voice a complaint. Not to mention that I don’t believe in absolutes, such as NEVER.

I believe that if we put the majority of our focus on what we want, then the occasional bitch session will do no damage. And let’s face it, sometimes it’s not only quite gratifying but also fun. And funny. Every once in a while, it feels good to just let the nasty out. I see this as the equivalent of throwing a little tantrum. I bitch for a few minutes, justifying why something sucks and why I don’t like it, and then, when I’ve had enough of that (which generally happens quite quickly these days), I turn my attention to what I want instead. I see it as a teensy weensy anger release. If it’s got to come out, it’s better to let it out than suppress it. And, if I do let it out, it generally passes within a few minutes and I feel better.

You don’t have to be 100% positive. As long as you’re focused on what you want over 50% of the time, you’re golden. So yes, you still get to bitch a bit. Just don’t make it your default setting and most of all,  be aware of what it is that you’re doing. Involve as few people as possible (the more people are involved, the longer the bitch session will be and the more momentum you will gather. It’s easier to control the length and put a stop to it when your audience is small.) And above all, as soon as you’re sick of complaining, make sure you spend even MORE time on talking about what you want instead, what you like and what you want to attract more of.

It seems like a simple thing (until you try to do it), but it will change your life. Why not give it a try and then report your findings in the comments? I can’t wait to read what you come up with!