In a frenzy of simplification, I took what feels like a radical step – I deactivated my Facebook account.  I know that Facebook is a good thing for many people, but for me, it always seemed to be at best, a distraction and at worst, a colossal waste of time.  It was just one more bit of draining minutiae in my day.

Sure, I was able to keep tabs on many true friends…and a whole bunch of people who I would have considered acquaintances 20 years ago, plus a solid handful of complete strangers.  It’s funny – I had no attachment or investment in Facebook and yet it felt like a bold move, a political statement even, to click the button against Facebook’s own adamant insistence that I stay.

I feel a small sense of loss at my new disconnectedness but a large sense of relief.  Hmm…what else in my life can I deactivate?

The past six months have been quite a whirlwind at my house.  J left his very secure position in academia for an exciting and challenging role in corporate America.  This new job has him on the road about half the time, so the whole family is settling into a new equilibrium – which is going surprisingly well.

G finished 2^nd grade and started summer camp without incident.  He really likes it and is excited about starting a new school in the fall.

And Pinky too is doing great.  She turns three in a few weeks and has declared herself to be a “super hero princess”.  She runs around the house in a red cape yelling, “I saving the day!”

They’re all doing great.  I take great pride in the fact that their worlds are safe and happy.  I’ve managed all our life transitions, plus a crazy little league schedule, plus lots of community and non-profit work, plus my own ever-changing (in a good way) job, plus a million other things.

All is well.  Except…I can’t sleep.  Except, my confidence is at a low and my weight is at a high.  I have nebulous anxiety and I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.  I feel exhausted, discouraged, over-committed and depleted.

Sigh.  How is it I always find myself back here?  If it feels so good to take excellent care of myself, why do I stop doing it so readily and have to start over so often?  In the car this morning, the image of The Giving Tree came to mind.  As you recall, the big, beautiful tree gave and gave and gave of itself until there was nothing left but a stump.  It’s a good analogy.  I feel like a stump of my former vibrant self.

But why?  My family doesn’t ask for sacrifice – in fact they are extremely supportive of chasing my own joy.  I don’t feel depressed and things are going so well.  So what exactly is my problem?  Is there a martyr somewhere in my subconscious?  Do I create struggle when there doesn’t need to be any?  Am I simply bug shit crazy? (Please accept these as rhetorical questions.  I don’t know that I need honest feedback about my mental health today.  Thank you.)

Doesn’t really matter I suppose.  I have everyone else well-situated and it’s time to turn my energies back to nurturing myself.  Today, I will go back to my own list.  I’m taking a deep breath and beginning again.

As you start to hear Christmas Carols in TV commercials and every store turns into a red and green wonderland, do you think, “Yay!  Christmas is coming!” or do you think, “Oh crap, Christmas is coming”?

I confess.  I’m a scrooge.  I find the holidays to be too expensive, too cold, too tacky, too carb-tastic, too full of dramatic relatives, too materialistic and entirely too much work.  Christmas is upon us – like a lion on a gazelle.

Even if you love Christmas (It’s OK, I won’t judge you), this time of year can be overwhelming.  But it doesn’t have to be!  Here are some tips to make sure that “Joy to the World” includes you!

12 Ways to Demand a Joyful Holiday Season

1. Simplify – Can you really work all week and still host dinner for 40?  Can you really visit your mom’s house and Aunt Myrna’s house, and stop by your neighbor’s for eggnog all in one day?  Can you really make cookies for the 2^nd grade holiday party and finish all the wrapping on your lunch break?  It’s just too much!  Think about what’s most important to you and jettison things that aren’t.
2. Don’t Over Spend – Clutter is bad for you.  Debt is bad for you.  If your kids are anything like mine, the last thing they need is more stuff.  We would all do well to scale it back a bit and shift our focus from the material to what’s really important.
3. Don’t Over Eat – Eat what you like and enjoy every bite.  Just don’t set yourself up to feel bad physically or emotionally later.
4. Pay Less Attention to the Calendar – Does everything have to happen on the actual day?  How about a nice family gathering on the 21^st?  Spreading things out may ease the pressure of the holiday itself.
5. Forget Perfectionism – Not even Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart.  It’s easy to get lost in all the details when you’re trying to put together the perfect holiday.  Don’t beat the joy out of the day trying to make it perfect.  Repeat after me, “Good enough is good enough.”
6. Plan Ahead – The more you can do ahead of time, the less stress you’ll have later.
7. Delegate – Can someone else take the kids while you cook?  Then can someone else cook?  How about the rest of the family gets the house ready for company?  Ask for help!
8. Keep Your Expectations Realistic – Drunk Uncle Harold is going to get drunk.  Your shrew of a sister-in-law in going to be a shrew.  Late-comers will show up late and people who don’t get along are still not going to get along even though it’s Christmas.  They may all deserve to be smacked upside the head with a holly wreath, but if you accept the reality of the situation, at least you won’t have to suffer disappointment on top of it all.
9. Say No – Traditions are wonderful!  Except for the ones you hate.  Think about which parts of the holiday you least enjoy.  Can you stop doing them?
10. Remember the Less Fortunate – Make a donation.  Volunteer your time.  Give toys to kids who would otherwise get none.  Giving to others is a great lesson for kids and a great way to put your own troubles in perspective.
11. Don’t Forget Yourself! – Amidst all the hustle and bustle, find some time to take a deep breath and nurture yourself.  Take a walk, read a book, schedule a massage.  Give yourself a gift.
12. Remember Gratitude – On Christmas, and every other day of the year, it’s vital to focus your energy on the positive things in your life.  So what parts of Christmas do you love?  They way the moon makes the snow sparkle?  Fires in the fireplace?  Spiced wine?  Little faces on Christmas morning?  When you stop to think about your blessings, you can’t help but feel happier.

Whether you prefer to say “fa la la la la” or “bah humbug”, I wish you a blissfully joyful holiday season.

G is 7 now.  My sweet little baby is 4 foot, 4 inches tall.  I hardly recognize him sometimes.  Lately, he’s been in a mood – quick to pout and generally morose.

As I focused in on him to ascertain what’s going on, I started hearing a surprising amount of negativity and complaining from the rest of the people in my household.  We have a propensity to take our blessings for granted and hone in on what’s deficient.

I certainly know better than to have this grumpiness in my own home!  I keep my own thoughts positive (most of the time) and demand joy for myself, but now it’s time to teach my son.

I’m going at this a couple of different ways, but my favorite is a new family tradition.  At least once a day (at dinner time plus any other time I see grouchiness), everyone has to say three things that they’re grateful for.  Big things, little things, doesn’t matter.  My goal is to raise everyone’s awareness that we have a pretty amazing life.

In addition to building an understanding that most people are far less fortunate than we are, and my “quit your bitching” campaign, I’m hoping that making gratitude a habit will be as helpful for my family as it has been for me.

G was telling me about his day.  Someone brought a “Believe It or Not” book to school.  I was hearing the story of a woman who had a baby in her stomach, but she didn’t have enough money to go to the doctor to get the baby out.  So while she was saving up her money for a doctor, the baby was in her stomach for three years!

Hmm.  I told G that this was the ‘not’ part of ‘believe it or not’.  I explained that having babies is part of nature and then even if you don’t have a doctor to help, that baby is going to come out.

G:  “How?  Where does it come out?  Of your mouth?”

Meg:  “No honey.  (deep breath)  Babies come out of vaginas.”

His face contorted with horror.  I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.  “That must really hurt!” he said.  I confirmed.

So I think it’s time to have “the talk”.  Now that he knows how babies get out, it’s only a matter of time before he wants to know how they get in there in the first place.

This is a big moment and I don’t want to be unprepared.  I’ve ordered “Where Did I Come From” and I’m gathering my thoughts.

I can use all the help I can get – any suggestions?

My love/hate relationship

For the past several years, I’ve been working on my mind and my spirit.  Demanding Joy is the record of that journey.  A few months ago, my body told me in no uncertain terms that it needed some attention.  You how they say that first your get a whisper, then it gets louder, then a scream?  Well, my body was yelling at me.  Insomnia.  Weight gain.  Joint pain.  Hot flashes.  Problems with my lady bits.  Something was definitely going on.

So I resolved to listen to the signs and do something about it.  For sixty days now, I’ve been working out six or seven days a week and eating a restricted calorie diet.  The good news is that it’s working.  I’ve lost a chunk of weight, my insomnia’s gone, my lady bits are humming along nicely, and I’m generally feeling pretty good.  40 is on the horizon for me and I intend to be fabulous when I get there.

The bad new is that going to the gym everyday and spending an obnoxious amount of time thinking about all the food I can’t eat has become a major time suck.  It has completely distracted me from Demanding Joy.

I would write about the ‘body’ part of ‘mind, body and spirit’, but frankly, I don’t find it that interesting.  I don’t want this blog to turn into a weight loss journal.  I don’t want to write about the merits of the elliptical machine versus the treadmill.  I feel that nurturing my body is important, but it’s mechanical – and boring.

But not writing isn’t good for me either.  That’s what’s up with me – I’ve been sweating rather than writing.  But I love Demanding Joy!  I’m setting the intention to spend more time on these ramblings.  I am grateful to you all for sticking with me.

~Meg

I heard about a terrific new website and I wanted to pass it along to all of you.  It’s called Kind Post.  People post quick stories of kindnesses they have observed, received, or performed.  Even reading just the first few posts will lift your spirits.  It’s like a gratitude community – I love it!  (In fact, I’m a titch annoyed that I didn’t think of it!)  Enjoy!

In this crazy, busy month, I’m trying to grab moments to breathe and re-center myself.  (Cuts down on the drinking.)  This is a meditation exercise that you may have heard of, but it’s my favorite right now.

First, find a quiet, comfortable spot to sit.  Close your eyes. Relax.  Spend a few moments focusing on your breathing and gently quieting your mind.  When you’re feeling calm, think about your gratitude – all the things in your life that makes you happy.  Think of something your kid said that made you laugh, or a sweet moment with your spouse, or time doing your favorite thing.

Once you really feel your gratitude all around you, smile.  Smile with your mouth and your eyes.  Imagine that smile spreading throughout your body.  Feel the smile in your heart.  Then in your core.  Feel the smile in your blood spreading out to your fingers and toes.  Imagine your joy is glowing out from you and embracing you.

Enjoy this quiet moment with yourself – you’ve certainly earned it.

I’ve been so focused on bringing good and exciting things into my life that I find myself this month up to my eyeballs in good things.  It’s all positive, but I’ll concede – it’s too much.  I overbalanced.

I’m going to the gym six days a week (at 5:30 a.m. for the love of Mike!).  I’m taking a silversmithing class, which I’m enjoying, but I wish I could postpone it for a couple of months.  I’m taking on much, much more responsibility at the office, which makes for very fast-paced days.  I’m involved with a new non-profit organization.  And I still have two energetic, wonderful children who deserve my time and attention.

I thank my lucky stars to have a husband like Willis, without whom this juggling act would be completely unsustainable.

I love writing Demanding Joy and I promise to keep at it.  I have so many ideas – I’m just looking for the time to execute them.  I’m hopeful that my October calendar is less frenetic than September.  In the mean time, I happily and exhaustedly thank you for your support and patience.

Hope you have a joyful day.   ~Meg

Becoming Unafraid – 4 Things to Make Peace With

4 Ways to Show the World How Amazing You Really Are

My wise and wonderful friend Kellie over at Befriending Your Body wrote a great post on her blog about consistency.  Essentially, if you’re doing healthy things, but you’re jumping off the wagon and back on again repeatedly, you’re creating chaos in your body, which leads to imbalances and disease.

Sigh.  The problem with knowing amazing women is that they tell you the truth that you’ve been diligently avoiding.  She must have read my mind and knew that I needed the reminder.  When it comes to consistency in self-care, I am, well…inconsistent.  Some days I am resolute and some days I just don’t give a damn.  I go to the gym regularly except when I don’t.  I restrict my carb intake, except for the days when pasta and vodka are necessary – for medicinal reasons of course!

So my challenge now is not just to take good care of myself, but to keep taking good care of myself and change my choices into habits.  After taking a moment for attitude adjustment, I will commit to myself to keep at it – consistently.

We're all out of vanilla wafers.

My Dearest Pinky –

In the years to come, I will:

nag you,

annoy you,

embarrass you,

enrage you,

invade your privacy,

even deny you your rights.

All because I love you – even when love is not the emotion you’re feeling about me.

I would walk through fire to protect you,

hunt you down like a bloodhound to find you,

and eviscerate anyone who tries to hurt you.

So when you look at me with your sweet little angel face burning red with fury and tell me how mean I am, that’s why I smile.  Because, my darling, pissing you off is part of my job as your mom.  And today, I am extra good at my job.

All my love –

Mom

If we could learn to like ourselves, even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away.             – John Steinbeck

You’re fat. You’re unworthy. You can’t do it.

Would you ever allow someone to speak to you this way?  Would you ever say such mean, nasty words to someone else?  How about when you talk to yourself?  Do you have a bully in your head?

Why is it that compliments are fleeting, but we will internalize an insult and remember it forever?  We so SO hard on ourselves!

When you look in a mirror, what do you think?  Something kind?  Or something mean?

Changing that self-talk from self-deprecating to self-nurturing is difficult to accomplish.  It’s changing a habit that is so deeply ingrained in us, we most often don’t even realize we’re doing it.

The first step in taming your internal bully is to start paying attention to them.  Really tune in to your thoughts and notice how your inner voice speaks to you.  If it’s not nice, correct it.

I have a friend who, when words come out wrong, or a conversation takes a bad turn, she says, “Cancel! Cancel!”  Then she starts over with intention and says what she meant to say.

This has been a great tool for me in retraining my inner bully.  For example, if I see a photo of myself and think, “Jesus Malone!  I look awful.”  I stop and think, “Cancel!  Cancel!…That was a really fun day.  I’m glad I have a photo to remember it.”

Or, driving to a job interview, “Ugh.  What am I doing?  I can’t do this.  I hate this feeling!…Cancel!  Cancel!…Deep breath…You’re going to be great.  Relax.  Worst case scenario, you lose an hour of your time, so go for it!”

Having an inner voice who cheers you on rather than tears you down is an enormous blessing.  It affects everything you do and increases your level of joy.

Give it a shot today – listen to your inner voice and don’t put up with any of its crap!  You are strong, beautiful and capable.  No one, especially you, should be telling you different.

Sigh.  Aren’t I strong enough already?

Fundamentally, I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason.  All kinds of senselessness happens all around us every day.  It’s a chaotic world.

But I do believe (begrudgingly sometimes) that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.  And wiser.  And better.

Sometimes the lessons don’t become apparent until much later.  When the lesson of a past hardship becomes clear to me, I’m always annoyed by it at first.  I want to say, “that sucked”, not “That sucked, but in the end there was a silver lining.”  It takes me awhile to process the lesson and be grateful for it.

But in the end, I am grateful.  I’m proud of the hard times I’ve overcome.  Proud of the things I’ve done that I didn’t think I could do.

Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”  When times are tough, keep moving forward.  It will get better.  And I truly believe that there’s a lesson in there somewhere.  We just have to find it.

I’m trying out a new meditation exercise that I really like.  It may seem a little strange, but stay with me.

After finding a quiet, comfy place, close your eyes and spend a few minutes focusing on your breathing and quieting your mind.  If you’re like me, getting your brain to be still is the hardest part.

After you feel relaxed and in a meditative place, imagine yourself at your very best.  A completely healthy, happy, successful you.  Whatever it is that you would like to change in your life, imagine who you will be once you have accomplished that goal.

In your mind, the current you and the idealized you should spend some time getting to know one another.  For example, in my mind, the current me and the best possible me like to dance together, row a boat in a mountain lake together, even fly together.  I imagine my current self and my ideal self embracing one another.  Sharing secrets.  Enjoying one another’s company.

In this exercise, your ideal self would never criticize your current self, but wants to befriend, support and nurture you.  You love you!

As your current and ideal selves become acquainted, notice not only their differences, but also their similarities.  Feel the joy of achieving your goals and becoming the next iteration of yourself.  Delight in the merging of your ideal self and your pretty-damn-good-already self into one.

Enjoy this quiet time with you.  Keep breathing.  And let me know how it goes!

16 is the silver casserole dish anniversary. ?!?!

Sixteen years ago, we stood at the front of a church together and naively agreed to stick together for better or for worse.  And we’ve had our share of both.

We’ve been ‘us’ for so long that our lives are inextricably intertwined.  We are part of each others’ identity.

You have loved me at my fabulous best and you have loved me at my unlovable worst.  You’re the first person I want to share good news with and yours is the shoulder I want to cry on when times get tough.  You are my support system, my biggest cheerleader, my home base, my best friend.

I love you more today than any other day of our 21 years together.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Happy Anniversary Sweets –

An excellent spot for my mental vacation.

As I near the end of a particularly chaotic week, I’m feeling the need for a personal moment of silence and solitude to recenter.

Right this moment.  Close your eyes.

Relax your shoulders and face.

Take a deep, slow breath.

Take another one.

And another.

Spend the next few minutes thinking about what’s good in your life.

Feel your blessings all around you like a warm, soft blanket.

Claim a piece of time for yourself and enjoy your own company.

Breathing.

Thinking.

Smiling.

Better?

As promised, I have gone to morning yoga twice this week, with another class tomorrow morning.  I got so many kind words of encouragement after my post on Monday.  I can’t thank you enough for your support.

The update:  So far, so good!  It’s a 5:15 a.m. class in a room that faces east, so we face the rising daylight throughout the class, which is beautiful.  The tone is nice – no one takes themselves too seriously.  I have not been uncomfortable being there despite my beginner status.

I can’t say that I love yoga.  It’s hard, sweaty work.  But I don’t hate it either.  Here’s the weird thing – I wake up three mornings a week, get dressed and leave the house before anyone else is out of bed.  It feels like I’m being sneaky, even though I’m not.  I go straight from the gym to the office and Willis takes care of the kids.  That may not sound like a big deal, but I feel so free!  I had no idea how little time it takes me to get ready in the morning when I’m only responsible for myself!  Amazing!

So I pushed through my intimidation about the whole idea of joining this gym.  I feel good about that.  My next goal is to keep at it and layer in new food choices to support the progress of my physical activity.

Thanks again for your kind words and generous spirits.  You comments have been a significant motivating factor in my journey towards vibrancy.

I haven’t had a gym membership since my early twenties.  You can tell that by looking at me.  I have never had the time, the disposable income, or frankly, the inclination to work out every day.  At the office, I am surrounded by people who work out.  People who are mostly single and unencumbered, young and athletic.  There are days when I swear working out is the only friggin’ thing they talk about.

For example, we were in an all-day meeting last week and had sandwiches delivered for lunch.  As my manager opened his, the woman sitting next to me quoted (unsolicited, mind you) how many calories were in his sandwich and how long he would need to be on the treadmill to work it off.  Obnoxious, right?

But this is my Year of Vibrancy.  This is also my year of de-schlumpification.  I’m letting my hair grow long again, I’m ditching my glasses for contacts, I’m turning in my white mom tennies for cooler-looking shoes, and I’m working hard at building new dietary habits.  All good things, and I can feel improvements already.  But if I’m really serious about this, which I am, then I need to push aside all my excuses and rationalizations and get my butt moving.

So after some research, Willis and I bought a family membership to the Y.  They offer a range of workout classes at 5:00 a.m.  I’m up anyway at that hour and it will be the smallest possible sacrifice of family time.  I start with yoga and pilates tomorrow morning.

I confess, it feels a lot like anticipating the first day of school.  I don’t know what to expect and that makes me nervous.  I’m jumping outside of my comfort zone for sure.  But I’ll be damned if I let anything (especially skinny people) scare me away, so here I go with my new bag and super cute workout clothes.

Along with my feelings of anxiousness is optimism.  I know this will be good for my health.  It’s also something that’s purely for me, which is exciting for a mom!  I really hope that I find a class that I enjoy.

Sigh.  So here I go.  I’ll let you know what happens.