denelicious - the personal blog of Tenille Campbell

i don't know what to say

2012-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling like stopping blogging. I'm so damn busy right now with being Mom, being a small business owner (I'm doing amazing things with that, and getting all legit!), as well as planning a all-day workshop and being all wifey, and shit.

So no blogs.

I'm gonna grab me a pen and notebook, I think. Write down some actual words for my girl to one day read, if I don't burn all them before hand. She doesn't need to know everything, after all.

I'll be back, in a few weeks. Aerie's turning 8 months, after all.

7 Months

2012-01-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

You learned how to hold your own sippy cup. Drinking from it still is kind of a new concept for you. You prefer to chew on the nub and gargle with the water. It's hilarious.

New Year's Eve was perfect for me. I woke you up, by accident, ten minutes before Midnight. You were calm, sleepy and content to lay in my arms, playing with my face. I counted down to 2012 with you while Allen played cards upstairs with my parents. Then I gave you a kiss, fed you a bit of your bottle, and you fell right back to sleep.

You were also fed chip-dip. I was so damn furious. I am sick of a few certain people thinking it's funny to feed you junk food and sugar. You were fed pop. You were fed chip-dip. All behind my back, without my permission. These people are ignorant and they don't get it, so they are not allowed to hold you/feed you. It's not safe, it's not healthy and I do not want you to be fed sugar and salt in such high concentrates. Gross. If I don't eat that shit, why would I feed it to you? ARGH! I still get so mad. But letting it go. All I can do is limit their contact with you.

We bought you your first playpen. We had stayed at a hotel a few days before and usually, you sleep in the drawer but on the last trip, your feet were hanging out. Mommy Fail. So we went to get you a playpen. I looked at all the stores in Saskatoon and finally found a clean, basic black one. I hate the ones with animals, polka dots, etc. Just modern and simple, please. You love it. You play in it, you nap in it upstairs, you are learning to pull yourself up on it.

You've learned to blow "raspberries". So cute.

On the 9th, we went to Patuanak. Your Great-Grandpa (your Dad's Mom's Dad) passed away. We managed to hit the ditch (your first time). Then we were at the wake and you heard the Dene Elders start to sing the hymns in Dene. It's quite beautiful, but haunting. Mournful. Well, your dad had to bring you right to me. You had huge crocodile tears in your eyes. You were sad. My sensitive little baby. I love you.

I had already started you on veggies, so we continued with fruits. You are like a little bird, with fruits. Lurve 'em. Open your mouth so wide, growl at me when I don't feed you fast enough.

I took you to meet your Grandma Coleen and your Grandpa Don. They are two very special people in my life - they were my anchor for a time, a home to run to when I was needing it - and you charmed them, completely. Grandma Colleen especially. She can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to bring you. There are very few people in Saskatoon I'm willing to take you to, since we're always so go-go-go when we are there. But for them, of course. Always. Anytime. You are going to be so loved by them.

We tried to feed you rice cracker. You're not teething yet but you like to chew on things to massage your gums. But you think the Rice Crackers are toys. You love to bang them around. The few times you've had a bite of them, you've actually shuddered.

You have tummy time almost everyday in the living room. You can wiggle a lot and hold yourself up on your arms, but you haven't got the hang of crawling just yet. Which is fine. I love the weight of you on my hip, the feel of your hands holding onto my tank strap or feeling my face as we wander around the house.

Your daddy and I left you alone for a night with your Mama Campbell. I missed you so damn much. I had to go to Saskatoon for work for the night, and me and your Dad hadn't been out together in 7 months or so (coincidence?) so Mama babysat while we went. Then I cruised back so I could be home for your bath. I bought you owl stuff, of course. It was the third time I had ever left you overnight. It was stressful. When will I stop counting my nights away?

We bought you a sleigh, finally. We went through your first cold snap of Winter (it got to -37 with windchill) but after that, we bought you a cute little red sleigh. It has a seat, a seat belt, a handle. We took you for your first sleigh ride. You were actually kind of unimpressed with it, like it was something you did all the time. I was way more excited about it.

You have about 10+ stuffed owls. You will get more, I'm sure. I can't help it. I know this trend will end.

I made pact to stop buying you clothes until March. It's been going real good. Haven't bought you anything yet (only clothing with owls is allowed). Your Mama, on the other hand, is still buying you clothes. I think she has a problem.

I kiss you everyday, every time I hold you in my arms. You will, one day, push me away and mean it, and you will break my heart. So I will just kiss you more. I love you.

heartache

2012-01-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Aerie falls asleep on her side, her arms wrapped around whatever stuffed animal happens to be in the crib. Yes, I let her sleep with a stuffy or with a small pillow. So she's asleep, her leg thrown over the pillow, her arms hugging it. And it makes me smile. She sleeps like me. I'm constantly hugging or snuggling up to Allen or the pillow or the blankets. I rarely sleep on my back, never on my stomach.

I lean over the crib, careful to keep quiet, and smell her hair, kiss her cheek, and resist the urge to pick her up and cuddle her. Bedtime. It's such a relief some days, yet tonight it feels like the end of a play date. I must wait another 10+ hours to play with her again, to hear her voice, to see her smile. I have to wait to pick out another outfit for her to wear, to comb her hair and to throw in her signature bow. To tickle her feet and watch her blow raspberries. To listen to her babble "dadadadada" and only occasionally, mumble "mummumumum."

My brothers upstairs, playing guitar and singing some lonely country tunes. Allen is watching an old Disney cartoon that he had been watching with Aerie. Cartoons are always on nowadays. Mom and Dad are talking quietly in the living room, I can hear her laughter. And on the baby monitor, I can hear the radio playing softly and the small breathing sounds she's making. The grunts and groans as she dreams. She is not a quiet dreamer, that one.

Last night Allen and I were lying in bed, talking about her. We are always talking about her. I was trying to explain how much I love her. How much it hurts sometimes, how much I love her. That beautiful ache in my heart that says "She is mine. And I made her. I made something so perfect and beautiful. She is everything." I don't know if he understood me, but I think he loves her just as fiercely. Just in a different way.

late night thoughts

2012-01-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

I've been spending my days just chilling with Aerie. It's been pretty calm. Quiet. Yet not so. She's really finding her voice and has taken to gurgling and blowing raspberries and going "oooohhhOOOhhhhHHHH." I just lie beside her, pull her up close and let her touch my face, grab her feet and listen to her stories.

I wonder what she's saying. What she's thinking.

Being a mom.

Being a mom has changed me so much. I sometimes wonder who I am, yet I know this who I am meant to be. She has made me stronger and more sensitive. I cry at shows that show a baby in distress now. I cry at commercials. I cry at sad songs. Yet I'll stand up for myself, for my daughter at any time. I don't take no bullshit. I don't have time for it.

I'm leaving every Saturday this month for a competition I'm in. That's harder than I thought. I miss her so much when I'm gone. I'm constantly looking for things to buy her. Thank God owls are a huge thing right now. And yet I love my time alone. I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of power and direction. I know that I'm leaving her for our own good, to better myself as a business woman, as a photographer.

It's taken me a good six months to really feel like this is it, this is my life. I'm no longer missing what could have been. Sure, I hear about my cousins going out or cool trips but then I'm excited about taking my mini-me on trips, on showing her Vancouver where I stayed, on showing her Toronto and meeting her Aunties out there. I make my plans based on her and my family, and I know that she's my number one. It's a good feeling to finally feel... like Mom.

6 Months

2012-01-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

This is how you "talk" with your Cousin Ava - we miss her so much.

I left you overnight with Mama Campbell to go Xmas Shopping in Saskatoon. It was only my second time leaving you overnight - the first being when I had to go for surgery (you were 2 months old). I called every few hours. Mom said you fussed a lot that night - that you knew I was gone. I was SO GLAD.

On December 1st, we started feeding you pablum. I let Daddy feed you for the first time while I filmed it. You took to it like a pro. Now, we feed you twice a day and you still love to eat. You mimic the movements of our mouths, you try to eat your bib to get the last of the pablum that we missed, you grunt when we don't feed you fast enough. Adorbs.

On the 9th, we let you have a sippy cup. Mama let you use the old one that Ava had used but of course, I went out and bought you one with handles. You love it. We just put water in it, and I doubt we will ever get in the habit of putting juice in there. You've since learned to hold it on your own and you enjoy gnawing on it, lying down and watching hockey. Hilarious.

This is you and Soccer, your mommy's old Cabbaga Patch Doll. You loves him.

You said "mum." I think you did. Mum and Dada seem to be on your list of babble words but I'm doing my very best to train you to say Mum first. Of course, one morning, you stretched, opened your eyes and said "Hi, Mum." Creep-eee.

You are making up your own sleep schedule again. I let you nap from 6:30 - 7:30 PM and you were absolutely wired from 7:30 - 10 PM. I'm talking stretching, babbling, eating, laughing, giggling, crawling attempts, playing, babbling, moving, wiggling, twirling... non-stop movement. So funny. But usually you're asleep by 8:30/9:00 PM. You need your beauty sleep.

You scoot along the floor on your back. You cry and fuss on your tummy. I can handle it. It makes me laugh. You'll be walking before long anyways and then we'll miss the scooting days.

You take 2 hour naps in the am and pm now, and Mommy loves you for it. usually I can sleep right along with you but on those busy days when I can't, those 2 hours let me get a lot done. And when you wake up and I go to see you, you are so happy to see me. You smile that huge open-mouth grin, all toothless and with your one dimple showing. Melts my heart.

Action movies are for you. Papa Campbell watched Conan the Barbarian with you at almost top volume (he's a little deaf) and you were entranced. You were shouting at the screen, waving your arms, cheering, smiling, frowning, yelling when someone else would yell on screen. It was such a funny time.

Chilling with your Godmother

You took a bath with your cousin Colton for the first time. It was hilarious. he asked about your boobies and where your peepee is. He was pouring water on you and you were kicking your feet and splashing and laughing so hard. you love your cousin Colton, that's for sure.

We've taken you to two of Colton's hockey games. You love it. You have your own little columbia jacket and mitts and you sit there, waving your hands, yelling at the ice, watching the people. You're too busy that you even forget to eat and then all of a sudden, you're ravenous. You love people.

You got to open gifts since the 20th on. You are so spoiled. So. Spoiled. But it's so great to see all the owl goodies coming your way. People know how to entertain me, that's for sure.

Xmas Morning in your new Wagon

You turned 6 months on the 24th. You went to Midnight mass and gave us an excuse to cut out early. Thank you ;) You woke up nice and early on Xmas Day and there was a stocking for you to open. Then Mommy looks around and says to Grandma.. "So where's Aerie's Santa Gifts?"

Mom looks at me and says "Tenille... you're Santa."

It sunk it.

Mommy Fail.

But six months. I can't believe it's already been 6 months. Half a year and now you're going to be crawling, walking, talking, eating. Just constantly growing.

Just cuddle me sometimes, as you grow up. I loves you. ;)

blahblahblahblah

2011-12-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

My life is one big list and I am going crrraazzzyyyyy. It irritates me that I live by a to-do list now, but that's life with a baby now, I guess. Do bottles. Do laundry. Do sheets. Clean bathroom - especially tub. Clean living room. Sweep floor.

I shouldn't sound so ungrateful, but this is my blog and I trust that my friends who read it understand I'm not complaining about my child, I'm complaining about the drudgery I have let my life become.

I am so not in the mood for this.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I'm going to take Aerie and take off. I'm not sure where yet. Possibly PA. Get the last of my shopping done. Possibly North Battleford, for a change of scenery. But I have to move, to do something. To take my child and be adventurous, not that she would notice, at all.

But I would.

5 Months

2011-12-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

You rolled this month. At first it was half-way then one day (Nov. 3rd),when no one was even in the room, you rolled over in your crib and started screaming bloody murder because you couldn't figure out how to roll back. Your Uncle Leroy was here with Auntie Diana and Parker and he came to see you, as you were s'posed to be sleeping, and came and told us. Figures you would be amazing when no one was there to watch you.

You were sleeping through the night then you started getting up again then you started sleeping through the night. I can usually depend on you to go at least 5 hours straight and not really "wake-up" but sometimes, you just like to screw with me and you are up and smiley and laughing and babbling... and how can I resist that?

You have started sitting by yourself, surrounded by pillows and blankets. You can balance yourself, you little tripod, but I'm a wreck. I'm constantly trying to catch you. Yet you still manage to faceplant at least once a day. Mommy Fail. You think it's hilarious. Fearless. You are fearless.

Bahahaha. Your Uncle TK was here (Nov. 18th) and picked you up, cuddled you. You are a cuddle magnet, btw. Then he started speaking in this real saaaddd tone - "Whose fightiinnnggg yyoouuu?" because you had been yelling at us. And you then burst into huge crocodile tears. Your lip was quivering, your eyes teared up and you just cried. I came running and snatched you out of his hands. First time hearing you cry like that and it broke my heart. Then we all burst out laughing... because we're like that.

You can't crawl. In fact, you really hate tummy time. But you've managed to learn to scoot along on the floor on your back. Lord help me, you are freaking hilarious.

Your hair has thinned out - but with that amount of hair, who can really tell?

You have way too many bows and headbands and hairties. But it's cute.

You outgrew all your holiday shoes so I had to go buy you more. You are growing so fast I'm constantly wondering where my baby has gone. I shop at Once Upon A Child, Value Village, and this online consignment store called ItsyBitsy. You dress like a rockstar and it's cheap too, which is fun. Mom calls you my little doll because I dress you like a little adult. But I don't want you lazing the day around in sleepers so yeah, you wear your skinny jeans and your peasant tops and you know what... you rock them. My baby gots style.

You are stunning. Beautiful. You have these large doe eyes, perfect bow shaped lips and this clear dewy skin. You're like a mini-Snow White. I have had strangers come up to me in the mall and ask me if you modelled. I have had one woman try and give me her contact info for baby modelling or something to do with tv.

And while that is amazingly wonderful and kind... I don't think so.

While I do think you are so very pretty (I may be biased) I want you to appreciate your smarts. Your ambition. Your athleticism. I want you to worry about your slapshot and your next essay, not what your skin looks like or how your jeans fit. I hope I can raise you to be that woman who has confidence, who moves with pride and strength, who is aware of the world.

We still read every night, you and me. You try and turn the pages and I try and read in a rhythm that everyone seems to just get, and we muddle through. You like it and I enjoy our extra cuddle time. I've also started to read you poetry. We've started on Neil McLeod's "Songs to Kill a Whitikow". Your godfather Tal thinks I'm insane to read you poetry but I think it's just more awareness of language, which is great.

I bring you into bed with me every morning. You snuggle right up to me, look up at me, stick your thumb in your mouth and start to jibberjabber about your night. You tell me all your dreams, all your stories, all your jokes. You stretch and pull on your feet, you try and roll away but always come back to me. You constantly reach up and touch my face, try and stick your fingers in my mouth, and you smile when I smile.

I adore our morning cuddle time.

Happy 5 Months, Aerie. Mummy loves you.

life can hurt sometimes

2011-12-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

I've been in a rough place mentally and it's not something I can talk about. That's what sucks. I really feel as if I'm in a dark hole and there are only five people who know what I'm going through, but that's my choice. I keep my private issues private, even though I have a blog.

All I will say is that I made a choice and I'm sticking through with it. And sometimes I wonder if it's the right choice, the easy choice, or the hardest choice I've ever had to make. I struggle with it everyday. But life goes on and hopefully, change happens.

In brighter news, it is Aerie's First Christmas Season. I am so excited for her. I've been dressing her in Holiday Clothes since the 1st (yes, the poor girl has enough holiday clothes to last all season) and the Christmas Tree went up yesterday and now I'm slowly wrapping her prezzies. I'm only giving her one small bag of things this Christmas - she'll play with the paper more than the item, I'm sure. But Mom and Dad have this massssive box under the tree for her.. and I am soclose to opening it, you have no idea.

My brother Tal will be home for the holidays, which is great. Trent is in Charleston with his lil' family, whom we will Skype, and TK is at work until after the New Year, which sucks but that means we get two Xmas Days to open gifts. yay!

I don't want anything this year. Nothing that can be bought. I want Aerie to have fun. I want Mom and Dad to enjoy the season. I want Trent, Cayla and baby Ava to have a great First Christmas together. I want TK, Darla and Colton to cherish this last Christmas as a family of three - soon to be a family of four! I want Tal to find peace and joy in his life.

And for me? I want to cherish every moment, every smile that Aerie has, every cuddle. Love my girl.

dawn comes later in the dead of winter... no shit, sherlock.

2011-11-24T03:45:00.001-08:00

I have had 7 hours of straight sleep and I'm wide awake. Baby is still sleeping, and will be for another hour or two. I wish I could be, but I'll deal. I still feel somewhat energized. Gonna clean up this living room, fold some laundry, have some java, and try to stay warm. I'm fighting a cold which maybe a flu but I really don't have the time to be sick. Who does, really?

Baby was also sick - just the sniffles with a slight cough - but she's on the mend. My little lovey.

The house is dead silent, except for the hum of the baby monitor. I think about the silence, such as it were, when I was back in Vancouver. Allen would leave for the day around 6 AM, and I would fall right back asleep. ARound 9 or so I would get up, make some coffee, mix some yogurt and fruit. Then I would lay back on the couch, stare out the window at the sunshine, and listen. There would be footsteps from the neighbours, sometimes a door would slam, sometimes music would be playing fro across the hall. I could hear the slight hum of traffic on the main highway one street over. I could hear my fridge turn on and off. I would drink my coffee, sit in silence for an hour or so, just waking up, then finally start getting ready.

Now, my life is rarely silent.

Both in reality and in my head.

I think it's the noise in my head that is actually worse. This morning, I woke up thinking. Not dreaming, thinking. Of plans and things I have to do, of what I could now that I was up and she wasn't, of what I needed to do. And that's not really relaxing. I crave the simple days of waking up with nothing to do.

I make it sound like I don't love my baby. But I do. Completely. It always surprises me how much. When she gives me that huge toothless grin, my heart is just staggered. I made her, I birthed her, I take care of her. She is mine, yet she is such an individual that she will be her own very soon. I have such respect... yes, respect.. and love and all-encompassing wow-ness when I think of her.

I don't know how to describe the love she brings to my life.

I may miss some things about my pre-baby life, but I know that she has made my life richer, made me stronger and is the child I'm meant to have.

Just fricken adore her.

But now... on to my to-do list. But first, gonna make me some coffee.

<3

early morning with a sick baby

2011-11-22T04:53:00.001-08:00

She was up 4 times last night, and now I'm just staying up (since 5 am). I have to go to Meadow lake with her today and neither one of us is really ready for that trip - her with her snotty nose and me with my lack of sleep. Thank God for coffee.

Thank. God. For. Coffee.

Yes, it was worth repeating.

I'm typing on an iMac. I bought it last week and have been playing with it all week. It's a little different but I like it. I'm just trying to work with Elements on it and that is what's screwing me up - trying to install actions and the such. Black. Yuck.

I'm tired. But excited. But I don't wanna talk about why I'm excited because I'm afraid people will steal the idea before I'm ready to start the project.

But it is an amazing project, let me tell you.

Amazing.

and she is blessed

2011-11-13T19:27:00.001-08:00

Aerie was baptized today.

When I was younger, I petitioned that the Christian Ethics class be removed from the class syllabus as I felt it was forcing Christian beliefs on people that necessarily didn't have them, and that religion in schools, no matter how academic, had no place.

So the class was dropped.

That's how against organized religion I was.

And now. Now I was married in the Catholic Church - taking the pre-marital classes and all - and we had our baby baptized and yeah. All done legit. How did I end up being the most Catholic one out of us all?

What does her baptism mean to me?

What did it mean to her family?

I know my MIL really wanted it. She is the type that attends church every Sunday. She has faith. A belief system. She was raised with the Church as being the Right Way.

My mom is spiritual, with her structure of belief being placed in the Catholic Church. But she's not pushy about it, she just says her prayers every night, asking for his blessings on her children, and then she gets on with her day. Her spirituality is hers alone, and she is very secure in it.

My dad went to Residential School. That really screwed up his image of the Catholic Church. But he still has these suspicions about what should be done, what shouldn't. Holy Water is his cure-all - he has fed it to Aerie on more than one occasion, as well as me. He says a prayer with Aerie every night, that he used o say with me. In a way, he is more aggressively Catholic than my MIL and mom, yet he is also very vocal about being against the Church in a lot of ways. He is complex, that man.

To Allen, I don't know. He just followed my lead on this, it feels like. It was nice that she was baptized but that didn't mean he felt it as the only way to go. He was happy that I was happy and that his mom was happy.

But for me?

In a way, I felt that being blessed is a great way to start her life. That having a structured belief system will give her something to base her morals, adventures, new treks into other religions, off of. That having a space for forgiveness, compassion and empathy is only a good thing. I don't know if she'll always be Catholic. But I do want her to grow up with the idea that there is something greater than us out there, that we are striving to be better people, always.

I like the idea of having a community there to help support her. I like the idea that my best friend and my little brother have these roles in her life - to teach her, to support her, to love her, to guide her. To be there, always.

She is blessed.

She is baptized.

goals and moving forward

2011-10-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with one of my besties, Lesia, and I told her, "I don't want to be one of those people that talk about ideas and never get them done." She then interrupted me, "But you are one of those people. I've always thought so."

That felt good to hear.

I'm struggling. Struggling with writing, with photography, with my thesis.

And the worst part is, I don't know how to move forward.

Let's talk about the thesis.

It's done. Complete. Edited out the wazoo. The forms must be printed and signed off by my thesis adviser. I'll do that tomorrow, get in touch with him so he can print them off and send me a digital copy to print.Thesis and intro sheet must be printed/burned to a disk. I will research how to do that tomorrow as well. All put in a pretty package and mailed to Vancouver, where a friend (my wifey, lol) will drop the package off at UBC for me.

All that I can do.

But paying the tuition owing and the current semester (which will be around $5,000) - that I can't do. I don't have that kind of cash. And even if I saved up for it, which is totally possible, it won't be for absolute months. And I would just prefer to get this done as soon as possible. I'm tired of it hanging over my head. I want to get it done. Spend a good three months (or the winter) doing some major changes, the send it out to the wolves... publishing people. Then I will sit back, get it published, have it sell a million copies and get it made into a movie... and rack in the millions.

What?... I can dream.

Photography.

I am so pumped about this. But I'm going through an overhaul. I'm raising prices in 2012. I am. Scary. But my work is improving and I need to price my work to acknowledge the hours I also spend editing, on supplies, mailing, etc. And I'm going to get a professional blog site/web site. New logo. Stationary. All good stuff. But all good stuff that costs money. Bahahaha.

And for equipment... I'm buying a 27" iMac. I'm excited. My comp burned out a couple months ago, I got it fixed, but it's damn slow now. So slow. It takes days to edit a session. It used to take 3-4 hours, if I only did that. Now.. blah. Days. Days! So no, I need a new comp. So I'm getting it. Excited. This will be done before end of November (eee!) and I need to get Word for Mac's and I already have Elements 9 so it should all be good. And a new printer, as mine is wack. Whack. Whatever.

And after that, I'm saving for a Canon EOS 7D. I need a new camera. I'm outgrowing my old one, finding myself limited in what I can do, especially in low-light situations, which is most churches (for weddings). I'll use my T1i as a back-up, as it is pretty reliable but I want something more. So a Canon 7D it is. I'm calling it my bday gift - gonna save up, ask for cash for my bday/xmas and work my flat ass off for it. So happy.

Writing.

I'm going to write more. Read more. A book a month, even. It's hard to read with a newborn, with at-home work, with cooking, with editing, with laundry. It's hard to carve out that time when there is so many other things I can be doing. But isn't that always the case? But I'm going to write. I need to write. To feel that movement from thought to idea to paper and pen.

But now... bed. One day at time.

4 months

2011-10-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

So much for sleeping through the night. You've entered yet another growing phase and you are up at 3 and 6 AM for feedings, then again at 7:30 or 8:30 AM for the day (aside from a few naps). You exhaust me but I've started sleeping at 10 PM so I can keep up with you.

Daddy took amazing care of you this week he was out. You warmed up to him right away and that made his day. You just love your daddy.

But you love me more. No doubt. You follow me when I come into the room, you check to make sure I'm around and I'm the one that soothes you when no one else can. I love you, my little owl.

You are so close to turning over. You got halfway there on the couch and that scared the crap out of us. So now we are extra vigilant about making sure there is someone there at all times. You are starting to move and wiggle and throw yor body around, trying to stand, trying to reach. So damn cute.

You tried a jolly jumper at your cousin Reagan's. It was so cute. You had no clue what to do so you threw your arms out and shook them. Reagz gave you this look, like "wtf?"

We took you swimming for the first time on the 21st. daddy took you in the kiddie pool at the Travelodge in Saskatoon. It was pretty entertaining. I took way too many picture. You had such a serious face on, but underneath the water, your little chubby legs were just kicking. Daddy laughed so hard, he was so happy to share this "first" with you.

You are gaining weight. You little legs are developing rolls. Your arms are getting soft and chubby. Your little double chin is adorable. Your cheeks are getting so fat and round. I just love seeing you grow.

You grow out of your clothes at alarming rates. You have two huge garbage bags and one huge plastic tub full of clothes you have outgrown. It is insane. I am having a massive garage sale next year.

You don't have that many toys, and I've only bought you stuffed animals (owls, of course). But everyone keeps asking me what toys they should get you for Xmas. I just tell them you are starting a Walt Disney movie collection, or that books are always an option. God save me from the toys.

You have "seasonal" wear. That may be my fault. There are twenty pieces for you to wear throughout the Christmas Holidays. You are going to be one well-dressed baby. But you look so good in the traditional Xmas colours that I have a hard time saying no to them cute dresses.

You like to stand. Your leg muscles are getting strong and you like it best when you get held up. You can hold your head straight when we pull you up. You like to throw yourself back when you are held, trusting us to catch you. Crazy girl. Strong, crazy girl.

I love you.

a little health catch-up

2011-10-15T05:16:00.001-07:00

I went to the ER in Prince Albert, SK on Tuesday, since I was in town. Spent the entire day there. Had a CT Scan. The dye injected felt like I was peeing my pants. Sad but true. And the results showed that my bile duct area was clear - no stones, no weird scarring.

But my blood showed high liver enzymes so the doctor said my liver was inflamed and now they are testing my blood for Hep A, B and C.

Oh, fun.

I haven't had another attack but I am back on my fresh fruit, fresh veggie, low fat diet. I really should just stick to it, because honestly, 75 lbs lost is a great feeling. My clothes are all too big but not soooo big that I have to get new ones yet. I'm kind of paranoid about getting new ones anyways, like that will jinx me.

So that's that. Blood testing done on Monday at the clinic.

AND then! There's always an "and then" - then I get fucking BED BUG BITES all over me. There's about 20 bites and they suck ass, and we are never staying at this cheap motel again, no matter how much Mom & Dad like it, and at least Aerie had no freaking bit marks. We had her sleeping in a plastic tub and these bugs can't climb plastic. That was only a coincidence but now I'm so thankful.

So we came home, I immediately washed all our clothes in super-hot water and dried them, made Mom wash hers as well, and washed down our bags. They are the hard plastic kind, and they never touched the floor, so I should be okay. I changed the sheets, changed all my clothes, tossed my socks, and slept in my bed. No new "skin infections" - as Mom calls them, refusing to believe my bedbug theory - so I'm glad.

So yeah. 5 "gallstone" attacks. Liver inflammation. Bed bug bites. Fuck. My. Life.

and so it begins

2011-10-11T01:32:00.001-07:00

I was totally despressed yesterday. I called Allen after his work day and just blubbered on the phone, crying my little heart out. To be in that much pain, all day, it was my version of hell. I couldn't take care of my daughter. I couldn't take care of myself. It was just... awful.

So I cried. A lot. I think part of it is that I KNOW a ton of doctors and nurses are going to play the game "let's wait and see" to see if it flairs up again. And while I understand - it's an area that just had surgery and is healing - I can't just wait to feel pain again.

So I'm going to insist upon an ultrasound to make sure a stone didn't get left behind in the bile duct, and see what I can do, naturally, to help. If I have to stick to a low-fat diet the rest of my life, fine. If I have to exercise more, fine. As long as I have a plan of action, as long as I am doing something positive and moving forward. I can't just sit around and wait to get attacks. I have to believe that I am helping myself heal.

damnit.

2011-10-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm 6 weeks post-surgery. Then on Saturday, I have the mother of all attacks. 5 in one day. Apparently your bile duct can still spasp, causing attacks quit simular to gallstone attacks.

And I had five in a row.

I am so damn beat. I feel a depression settling in. I'm reading about it on the internet, which one should never do, and it seems so hopeless. Like I am destined for a life of pain from this.

I feel so hopeless.

what to talk about

2011-10-07T19:28:00.001-07:00

3 months (a few days later)

2011-10-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

You are amazing. More so each and every day.

You love waking up to me. You just smile and stretch and start to baby babble as soon as you see me. I am your favorite person. You follow me with your eyes whenever I am in the room and you constantly check to see where I am. I love being your number one.

You are sleeping through the night. You first did so on September 12th and I was the one waking constantly to see if you were breathing, to see if you were okay. You went down at 9:30 PM and woke up at 7:30 AM. I was amazed and a wreck, tired from being up so much, checking on you. You were, of course, all smiles.

You are on a schedule, of your own making. You are up by 8:00 AM, napping by 10:00 AM, up again by 11:00 AM, napping by 1:00 PM for at least two to three hours, up by 4:30 PM, bath by 7:30 PM and in bed, asleep, no matter what, by 8:30 PM. AND If you get cranky-pants and won't fall asleep in my arms, I just lay you in your crib. You look around, mumble a bit, then fall fast asleep. You know your schedule.

You hold your head up like a pro.

You like the dog. He's allowed in now, for a few hours at a time. You like it when he licks your hand and I let you pet him. You grasp at his face and whiskers, and lovely puppy that he is, he lets you. He knows not to snap at you.

You also like Daddy's whiskers. He always has a few days growth when he comes home and he'll kiss your palms and your belly and his whiskers rub on you and you just burst into a lazy giggle. A huge, toothless grin and a lazy giggle.

Momma and Poppa are also on your top-ten list of people you adore. Poppa makes you smile so big and Momma makes you laugh so hard. I'm so glad we live here with them so you can know and love them just as much as I do. So they can spoil you, love you, teach you. So very happy.

You arch your back and stretch and seem to be close to flipping from back to stomach, but I think it's an accident. I don't think you have any interest in turning yet. And that's okay - I can wait a bit more for you to get more mobile.

You like to sit on my knee, watching tv and the world around you. You like to be held, but always facing the world. You only want to cuddle when you a very tired, but even then, it's a very grouchy cuddle. Only in the every AM can I get you to snuggle close with me, staring at me, smiling at me. Then it's like the rest of the world intrudes and you must see.it.all.right.now.

Nosy child, I love you.

10 Years

2011-09-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

One year ago, today, I married my love. We were surrounded by our very best friends and our families, by all who have supported us and loved us. It was a great day - no stress, no worries, all laughter. I look back and have absolutely no regrets. We have been married for one year and 1 hour. But we have been together for ten years. Both are quite special anniversaries, in my mind. I want to do a tribute... but I don't have time, with Aerie running the show.

But I can do a bullet list. Gotta love the bullet lists.

In the last year...

we have fought way more than in the past five
we have also made up much faster and more smoothly (way to go, growing up!)
we have drank together once (at our wedding) since I managed to get knocked right away
we have had a baby girl (love her so very much)
we have made plans to move out in May/June
we have built a basement apartment that suits our needs
we have leased a car
we have provided a safe haven for our daughter, despite my initial doubts of how we could afford a child
we have gone to Charleston to visit family
we had a new niece who rules our world
we got a new laptop for you and my old one is now broken and in need of replacing
we jumped on the BBM bandwagon... but I may fall off for the iPhone Star-Trek Super Wagon
I did way less photography but way more inspired photography
You were laid off and put back to work, all working out around the time of the birth of our baby, so it worked out
You started working out again
I lost 70 pounds
I had gallstone surgery (the high coming off the surgery was amazing, btw)
we have had NO car accidents, but a few speeding tickets. we rock.
we have laughed
we have cried
we loved. madly. irresistibly. unequivocally.

It's been a great year. A hectic year. A year in which I doubted myself and my abilities as a parent, but now laugh at myself. I am Mama Bear. I am Creator. I am Mom. But I never doubted Allen, at all. He guided my way, in his careful attentiveness of Aerie, in his playfulness with Colton, in his energetic playing with Ava. He are meant to be a father and it is so beautiful (and sexy as hell) watching him parent our daughter. I never felt as though we were floundering, but it did become different. Aerie became my priority and only now is FAMILY becoming my priority, not JUST Aerie. It's so darn different but it's wonderful as well.

12 Weeks

2011-09-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

12 weeks she has been with me. Not exactly 3 months - not yet. But 12 weeks. And oh, what a ride. What an adventure. Again, what about me, how have I changed?

I find that I have to work harder with my relationship with my husband. It would be so easy to lay it by the wayside, to let us get caught up in being just Aerie's parents and not romantic partners, husband and wife, as well. I have to remember that we need time too. And we aren't always getting it. We struggle to find that time everyday together. Of being in the moment together. Often he's downstairs uploading music, or I'm upstairs visiting, or he's with Aerie upstairs and I'm downstairs editing, or we're both downstairs and she's asleep but I'm working and he's watching TV. Rarely, very rarely, are we sitting together, lying together, focusing on nothing but each other. Even making time to make-out (!) is hard to come by.

But we're trying. We're making the effort. And if it's not everyday, or it's not an hour, it's a minute to give each other a hug. It's sucking it up and saying "I'm sorry" first. It's grabbing the laundry and sorting it and putting it in the wash without asking. It's waking up with baby so one of us could sleep in later (*cough, cough* Allen, get on that). It's hauling the bags out to the car, changing the nasty diapers, rubbing the shoulders when you're tired. It's so many small things that add up to one big thing - that we love each other, that we recognize the struggles, that we want make each other happy. That's we're in this together.

And my relationship with Aerie... oh, whatta relationship. I think when we're older we're gonna struggle and that is so very okay. I want her to be strong willed and opinionated and want her to be able to argue with me (with respect!) and to be able to speak her mind. I was able to do that with my parents, and it wasn't always easy, toeing that line between respect and getting my opinion across, but it was a good leaning experience. But I still love her like crazy. I love her special smell, her new little laugh, her excitement over watching the world around her. She's growing so fast and I am so lucky to be here to see it.

So 12 weeks. We're all doing some growing up.

just thinking, is all

2011-09-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Allen came home yesterday. Aerie played stranger for about half an hour then she was all smiles, just chatting away. It was like she had saved up all her funny stories and was just waiting for him to come home. He would speak and she would just smile.

She loves her Daddy.

We put her to bed at 8:30 and then Allen and I crawled onto our bed, fluffing the pillows. He held his arm out and I crawled into the nook, and we fit together so perfectly. He was warm and comfortable, smelling slightly of diesel but I didn't mind. He just closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Coming home is the best feeling.

We were just chatting about us, making sure we were on track. It's a habit we have from a few years ago, where we went through a rough patch. Now we make sure we take the time to talk, for real, at least once a month. We make sure that we're happy, that we're following our dreams, that we're supporting each other. I always ask if he's happy - I worry about him him since he's the main provider and he has a lot of burden to carry. He always assures me that he is, but he also lets me know when something is frustrating him.

So we're talking and I tell him "I thought I knew love since I love you... but it's a whole different feeling with Aerie." He scowled at me. I laughed, trying to explain. "I love you. But it's a love that we built, that we work hard for. With Aerie... I would die for her the minute they put her on my chest, all screaming and angry. It was unconditional, without limits, without consequence. It just was. Love."

He nodded, so I think he understands, and probably even feels the same way. Or he thinks I'm a bitch, but I doubt that.

Sometime it overwhelms me, the way I feel for her. And for him. And when they are together, my world is right. When he is holding his baby girl and making silly talk, my heart aches with happiness. All is right in my world.

So I am happy. In a way I never suspected I could be. I always felt that I wasn't the maternal type, and maybe I'm not. I still don't like other people's kids. I'm not the type to coo at babies I don't know. I'm very selfish with my baby love - for me, mine, my families and my friends. But Aerie for sure brings out my motherly instincts. She makes me baby talk (ohhhh, the baby talk) and sing for her and play silly games over and over just to see her big toothless grin.

I call her Toothless, from "How to Train Your Dragon". I think it's hilarious. Allen, not so much.

We're taking a weekend away, in Saskatoon. Gonna do some shopping, some stocking up on supplies. I have three photo shoots. Two major garage sales. One dinner date. One babysitting night. It's going to be good, I suspect. It's still new traveling with Aerie but as I've spent more time with her, it just gets easier. I know her cries so it's easy to make her happy again. So we're traveling. Posting will be light, as I plan to enjoy every moment with my lil' family.

post op: day 15

2011-09-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Okay. Let's see.

I've eaten steak, a hamburger, chili. All have made me feel very queasy. I've eaten chocolate chip cookies. Almost threw up. Chips make my stomach swirl. Chocolate bars are great in theory but all that sweetness makes me ill.

I think my taste buds have adjusted to healthy eating.

The three top wounds have closed up and are healing nicely. The bottom one is still very tender around the area and the scar tissue is quite hard. It's very, very weird. I can shower without a problem but I'm still scared to take a bath.

I can hold Aerie but I can't jiggle her or rock her very well. I feel the strain in my stomach.

I can't do a sit-up very well, but I couldn't before surgery anyways.

I've had two beers and it was okay. I'm really paranoid though. When are you "well" after surgery? I can walk, dance, clean up, but when I press on my stomach, it hurts. I can't carry heavy items without feeling my stitches pull. I feel fine aside from that one area - the big cut.

Day by day. I guess that's all I can do.

10 weeks

2011-09-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

You went to your first funeral today. My cousin Fabian passed away and we buried him today. You will never know him but through the stories we tell. It's hard to imagine. His brother and sister, my cousins, are so close to me that you will call them Auntie and Uncle. They will hold you, carry you, lull you to sleep. They will make you laugh, make you cook for them one day, make you pick them up from the airport. They will be your support system, your safe haven, your family. Their brother would have been a part of that, even though we weren't as close. And now he's gone and he'll be in the stories. That's how you'll know him. It's an odd reality for me - he's the first relative to pass since you've been born.

You like to sit up now, facing the crowd. You watch TV, watch the fan twirl, watch the shadows on the wall, watch me as I walk around. You make a fuss and let out a short scream when I hold you to burp you.

You fall asleep at 9:30 and usually wake up around 3:30 - 5:30 am for a short 15 minute feeding, then you fall back asleep again. Then you are up between 7:30 and 8:30 for a few hours, if you get your way. If I get my way, you sleep in bed with me until 9:30 am. I then wake up to the happy sounds of you gnawing on your fist. I open my eyes and you are staring at me, grinning, drool all over your face, fist all damp from chewing on it.

You have tears now. You cried when your Uncle Trent accidentally cut your skin when he was cutting your nails. Broke my heart. Then you had your 2-Month needles and you cried again. It was an angry cry at first but then turned into this pain-filled cry, whimpering and low and moany-like. I wanted to punch the nurse and take you away. I don't do well when you're in pain. I'm going to be one of "those mom's" who will defend you like a crazy woman.

You are doing so well at holding your head up now. It still flops forward from time to time, but you pretty much have a handle on it. Especially when I sit you on my knee and hold your chest. You look around, look up, look down. Smile a bit. Chew on your fist. So cute.

All in all, you are amazing still. No doubt every mother says that, but to me, you are pretty much the best thing I have ever done.

Love you like crazy, my ten-week old baby.

Nursery Envy: Part II

2011-09-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Allen and I have pretty much decided against moving to Charleston next winter and decided to move to Saskatoon next summer for a year or so, depending if we get a house on reserve or decide to buy in the city. We still don't know what we want to do about Aerie's schooling, but we do know that being home on the reserve for her grandparents, her culture, her family is very important to us. But the education system is sadly lacking here, especially if being forced to attend a reserve school as opposed to the town school, so I just don't know. So many factors. But before all that starts t really matter, we will live in the city for a year or two.

How that will effect my photography, which is northern-based? I don't know.

Sigh.

Anyways.

In the new place, wherever that ends up being, we are getting a 2-bedroom (possibly a 3-bedroom). Aerie gets her nursery.

I'm so damn excited.

I'm gathering inspiration.

And I'm going to share.

{via the b-line}

I love:
- the MALM dresser being used as a change table (I already own that dresser)
- the cool grey walls and sunshine yellow accents
- the felt raindrop mobile
- the simple and modern appeal

{via life & baby}

I love:

- the yellow and grey artwork in the first picture

- the ornate yellow frame

- the white frames showcasing the family history (absolutely am going to steal a version of that)

- the white and grey and yellow crib bedding (where can I get that?!)

{via Baby Lifestyle, original post at Designing Dawn}

I love:
- the white flowers (I own these too!)
- the refurbished blue dresser as change table (this is something I am seriously considering doing. The old wood dressers have so much damn storage and if sanded and painted, have so much appeal)
- the Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag. Too freaking perfect.
- the large, ornate yellow frame
- the owl stuffie and white frames

{collages via Chic & Cheap Nursery, original post via World of Dennifer}

I love:
- the wall mural of white frames and art, especially that owl stamp-out collection in the shadow box. I have that stamp so I plan on doing this.
- the "owl and A" pillow

{via spearmint baby}

I love:
- the brightly coloured owls (I have a ton of owls from the baby shower and I have something special planned for Aerie's 6 month shoot which involves them being spray-painted. Then I could keep my favorites as accents in the room. Excellent.)
- the crib bedding
- the owl pillows
- the bright colours against the white furniture, but I don't think I'm bold enough for that - or I would do it in different colours (like teal, plum, aqua and fuschia)

**So that's it for now, but I have about 10 more nurseries saved to look through. And yes, I will be sharing. Inspiration. Love it.

post op: day 10

2011-09-02T04:16:00.000-07:00

I peeled off the bandages on day seven. Scars are disgusting, let me tell you. I was shivering with disgust and nausea the entire time I had to work the sticky tape off. I am not made to be a nurse, that's for sure. The worst one is the bottom one, where the gallbladder actually came out. It's all bumpy and tight and I'm pretty sure the scar and skin there will forever be bumpy and hard. Gross.

But they are healing fine. The stitches are dissoluble and they itch a bit but they are healing.

I can carry Aerie but I can't rest her on my stomach for long periods of time. It still stings around the lowest incision area.

I'm off the pain pills aside from ibuprofen every now and then to help with the swelling.

I am very slowly introducing food to my diet. I had a tiny piece of steak today and no attack!... Which makes sense since I no longer have a gallbladder.

I know some people said diarrhea (TMI?) was a side effect of surgery but I actually find that I burp a ton. Poor Cayla - she's here helping me out and I'm burping all. the. time.

When I stretch, which I can finally do, I feel an ache in my side, but that's about it. The lowest stitch is the worst and I think in a week or two, the itch and sensitivity will be gone. My local nurse said give it 5-6 weeks before I'm back on track 100%.

But am I able to "work"? No. Sitting for long periods of time is hard. So is walking for long periods. Everything I do, I do in short sprints. Moving around then resting helps me heal and sleeping is great - I can now lay on my back and side with no problem. But when I get up, I can feel the strain and tension in my abdomen area. I'm still being very careful about that. Lifting myself with my arms and not my stomach muscles.

So yes. 10 days out and going strong.