Denis Boyd & Associates

Living Through Grief - Bereavement Seminar

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 14:22:24 -0800

Presented by Denis Boyd, R. Psychologist

Date: April 2012 - TBA

Time: 6:30pm - 9:30pm

Cost: Only $25/person

Are you suffering the loss of a friend family member such as a spouse, parent or child? What can you do to help someone who is grieving? Denis will talk about grief as a journey or 'pilgrimage' and make suggestions about how to effectively deal with a major loss. He will discuss the physical, social, spiritual and psychological reactions of healthy and unhealthy grief and describe what the mourning process may look like. Also hear about effective coping strategies after the loss of a loved one.

*Pre-payment/registration is required at least one week prior to workshop date. Please call 604-931-7211 to save your seat!

Understanding Your Teen Series

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 15:33:10 -0800

An Educational Workshop for Parents of Teens

Presented By: Brooke Lewis, MA

Location: Denis Boyd & Associates, Coquitlam

Time: 7:30-9:00pm

Cost: Only $10/session

This series is geared to help parents understand current youth trends and youth issues. ‘My teenager has been taken over by aliens!’ is a common complaint from parents and an issue that Registered Clinical Counsellor, Brooke Lewis., M.A. has assisted many families with.

In 2008, Brooke joined the team at Denis Boyd & Associates and began working with youth aged 13 and up. From her experience in private practice, as well as working with teens as a counsellor at a local high school, Brooke quickly noticed some reoccurring themes and questions from parents which included the following: what exactly is teen anxiety? What do teens have to be depressed about? I think my child might have an eating disorder. Did I do something wrong as a parent for this to happen? What can I do to help my teen? How do I keep my teen safe online?

Brooke saw a need and wanted to offer parents some practical tips as well as identify potential signs of trouble in a group setting, and as a result, the Understanding Your Teen Series was born. Both parents and teachers alike have provided positive feedback about the sessions.

Teen Depression - February 20, 2012

What is teen depression?
Signs in your teen
What to do as a parent
Community Resources

Drug Awareness - May 3, 2012

Types of drugs
Signs in your teen
What to do as a parent
Community Resources

Technology Trends- May 31, 2012

Social networking
Texting/Sexting
Internet Safety
Cyberbullying

Girl Issues - (TBA)

Eating disorders
Self harming behaviours
Media influences
Girl bullying

For more information please email Brooke at blewiscounselling@gmail.com.

Marriage Can Be Great... No, Really!

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 21:20:53 -0800

Presented by Denis Boyd
(Registered Psychologist, Reg. # 00399)

A three hour workshop which offers practical suggestions on how to enrich a relationship.

Topics include:

Attitude
Peace With the Past
Daily Talk Time
Listening
Consultation and Collaboration
Dating and Sense of Humour
Forgiveness
... And More

Denis has been counselling couples to healthier marriages for over 30 years. He has a practical, relaxed and humourous presentation style.

(Handouts and refreshments included in the registration)

Limited Enrollment

Date: Monday, February 13, 2012

Location: Immaculate Conception, Delta

Time: 7:00 - 10:00pm

Cost: $25.00/person

--- OR ----

Date: Monday, February 27, 2012

Location: Denis Boyd & Associates, Coquitlam

Time: 7:00 - 10:00pm

Cost: $30.00/person, $50.00/couple

--- OR ---

Date: Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Location: St. Patrick's Parish, Maple Ridge

Time: 7:00 - 10:00pm

Cost: $25.00/person

*Pre-payment/registration is required. Please call 604-931-7211 to save your seat.

Other Workshops

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:29:19 -0800

We offer a variety of workshops and presentations to organizations, businesses and conferences.

Workshops by Denis Boyd include:

Living Through Grief
Marriage Can Be Great! ...no, really
Retirement - from endings to beginnings more info
Stress Survival more info

Read more about Denis Boyd's public speaking services.

Workshops by Don Lasell include:

Married With Children
Parenting the Anxious Child
Quick Step
Special Families
Yours, Mine & Ours

Read more about Don Lasell's public speaking services.

For further information or for booking a workshop, please contact our office at 604-931-7211.

Career Choices

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:37:49 -0800

Autumn is a natural time of the year to assess one's career as it is a transitional season. You may currently be at the beginning of your working life, somewhere in the middle or moving towards retirement.

"Career", as defined by most career counsellors, is not just the work you do for income, but rather the variety of life roles you might engage in. These include your job(s), your leisure time interests (hobbies), your volunteer work, your relationships (parent, grandparent, son or daughter, brother or sister, etc), and the other things that you may do that fill your life with meaning.

Whether you are at the start of your career life, or somewhere along the progression, there are questions that you may want to ask yourself to clarify your career direction.

"Are my career goals in line with my values?" Values are a reflection of who you are, based on your cultural and family influences as well as your personality and personal preferences. A conflict or misalignment with values is normally the reason that a person will leave their job at some point. Some examples of values include: making a difference, helping people, making lots of money, working independently, working in a team, having a variety of tasks, working in a fast paced environment, experiencing adventure, as well as having a calm workplace, security, and opportunities for advancement. The list goes on. Often, in a job interview, you already have a gut sense of whether this workplace fits your values. If your gut is telling you to steer clear, that is probably good intuition and worth listening to. For example, if job security is very important to you and you are being told that the job you are applying for is 100% commission based on your sales and you are a highly introverted person, this is not a good fit.

"Are my career goals in line with my interests?" Interests are often the measure that people use to initially guide them into career fields. They are a good indicator and guide. Typically, as people gain more life experience, they have a stronger sense of their interests. Do you have strong artistic interests, or social interests, or math/science related interests? Do you have interests in areas where you can use your physical ability? It's good to use interests as a guide as long as you consider the other areas such as values, which cut at a deeper level of importance over the long-term.

"Are my career goals in line with my personality style?" Personality style is your natural set of preferences. Are you extroverted or introverted? Do you like things planned and organized or do you like things flexible and spontaneous? Do you tend to be more logical and rational, or do you tend to let your emotions guide you? These are examples of personality preferences. They are usually stable and don't change or shift dramatically over time. If you are in a relationship, you might notice that your partner has some opposite preferences such as preferring to have vacation activities planned and organized in advance while you prefer to have a vacation that is more spontaneously planned in the moment. A personality preference is somewhat like being right or left-handed; you can use either hand but you have more experience with the primary hand.

"Are my career goals in line with skills?" Skills can often be developed whether or not there is a natural ability, such as drawing or artistic type skills. Think about the skills that you like to use, and search for work that fits with these skills. If there are skills that you've always thought you'd like to develop; for example, if you'd like to learn to dance or to draw but you never had the opportunity, try these out in an evening class at a local recreation centre or college. You may or may not get paid work for these new skills, but these new skills might enrich your life and help you build confidence that cycles back to benefit you in your paid work. A word of caution about skills: There may be a skill that you are very good at, such as being mathematical, or playing the piano. If you enjoy this skill, use it to guide you in career choices, but if you don't enjoy using it, steer clear of career options related to it or you might get yourself stuck in a career path that you dread.

Career planning and decision making is relevant to people throughout their career lives, rather than being a one-time decision. Re-assessment of where you are and where you are heading is a worthwhile activity that will yield greater life meaning and life satisfaction that comes with living in line with who you are.

Addicted to Adrenaline

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:34:11 -0800

The term adrenaline junkie refers to people who appear to be addicted to the rush of adrenaline that speeds through their bodies when they are in danger, under high stress or in physically exhilarating situations. Some junkies are easy to identify. Often, they are people who thrive on danger, or they risk their lives in extreme sports and high risk behaviours such as hang gliding, mountain climbing or compulsive gambling. Often, they are people who are willing to sacrifice body, health and well-being in order to obtain an adrenaline rush. These people become dependent on the adrenaline jolts they receive during close escapes and peak experiences. Some people even choose professions where they can receive this jolt For example, this would include a war correspondent who puts the risk of obtaining a story above personal health and safety.

Adrenaline is the 'fight, flight or freeze' hormone, an evolutionary adaptation that helps the body cope with dangerous or unexpected situations. A surge of adrenaline increases the heart rate and dilates blood vessels and air passages. This allows the body to pass more blood carrying oxygen and nutrients to the muscles.

The dependency on adrenaline jolts can come in subtle forms. People can become hooked on the rush that comes from stress. Over the years, these people tend to create drama and crises in their lives. For example, people in this category may always find themselves rushing to meet deadlines or filling their work and/or social schedules to capacity. If things slow down, the person will often start taking on more to achieve the rush they feel from the increased stress associated with their frenetic pace.

Adrenaline junkies often create dramatic conflicts with the people in their lives; exploding in anger; waiting until the last minute to complete projects; or, filling any downtime with something to keep them busy. They don't necessarily have to be involved with other people to obtain the adrenalin rush. In the case of 'Gamers', people who play hours and hours of video games, the individual can become addicted to the immediate excitement obtained from the mere click of a button. While these examples may seem extreme, it is a common situation for many people. So how does being an adrenaline junkie affect someone's life?

Adrenaline junkies' low moods can be as deep and dark as their highs are high. Living in these emotionally chaotic circumstances can make it difficult to maintain a normal, functional lifestyle. This person may cut down on sleep and then try to compensate with coffee or stronger drugs. Trying to relax, meditate or do nothing for a significant amount of time will drive an adrenaline junkie 'nuts'. Their 'to do' list is always longer than they can handle. In the worst case scenario, he or she may eventually burnout from the effects of a reckless lifestyle.

Regular conflict and arguments characterize their relationships. Friends and family can become marginalized or abandoned because they are unable to keep up with the seemingly reckless, dramatic lifestyle and the constant need for danger, drama or excitement. Adrenaline junkies can become emotionally walled off from family and friends who don't inhabit their emotionally charged, dangerous world. Adrenaline junkies may only feel fully alive when crisis, drama, excitement, death, loss or defeat looms in the background. The safety of the individual's everyday existence and relationships can begin to feel oppressive and boring and this can seriously interfere with relationships.

What can an adrenaline junkies do to slow down and get off the fast track? They can begin by reducing the crises in their lives. Begin projects sooner and cut down on unnecessary stressful activities so they don't feel so overwhelmed. First steps could include the following suggestions:

practice relaxation techniques, breathing exercises and yoga to reverse their bodies' stress response;

set smaller deadlines and pace themselves;

learn time management skills that will help them develop better habits;

cut down the stress in their life;

monitor their stress level by monitoring their level of edginess, impatience, sleep problems and exhaustion;

pay attention to how often they are engaging in conflict and arguments;

take regular physical exercise

learn conflict and anger management skills; and

limit their coffee or cola intake to one or two cups a day.

The above is not an exhaustive list. For more ideas about how to wean yourself from living for the adrenalin rush, and to take a self-test, check out the web site: 'Adrenalin Junkies - How to tell if you're addicted to adrenaline'.

Most of us like an adrenaline rush once in a while. We like the occassional rollercoaster ride, bungie jump or zip-line experience. It is a matter of degree. As long as it doesn't disrupt our serenity, interfere with our relationships or endanger our heath and safety, it can add spice to our lives.

Ref: About.com: Stress Management

Control Your Self-Talk

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:29:38 -0800

If I were to follow you around all day long and tell you 'you're dumb', 'you're ugly', 'you're a failure', what would you do? Chances are you are not going to turn around and give me a hug. It is more likely you are going to turn around and confront me because it is not ok to speak to others that way. The odd thing is, when we get overwhelmed with life's tasks, we tend to say these same things to ourselves. These phrases are often referred to as self talk or inner dialogue. Self talk includes all the things we say to ourselves throughout the day starting with the time we wake up with 'I'm hungry' or '5 more minutes' and continuing through all the ups and downs we encounter until bed time. Depending on how we choose to frame our self talk our mood will either be uplifting or nasty. The important word to note is 'choose'. It is in our power to shift our thinking, our self talk, from negative to positive. How we focus our thoughts will also determine our expectations for how our day is going to be, how we see the world, and how we think others see us. Over an extended period of time, our negative self talk can lead to depressive or anxious feelings and behaviors and lower our feelings of self worth and self esteem.

To beat our negative self talk, we need to re-train our thinking habits to be more encouraging. First and foremost we need to accept uncertainty and remind ourselves we do not need to be perfect. The world is ever changing and there are often hiccups in our plans. Even when things do not seem to be going the way we expected, it is important to remind ourselves it is okay and we can get through it.

It is also helpful to start questioning our negative self talk and begin looking for evidence against it. For example, if we are thinking 'I'm such an idiot', we would search for reasons why it is untrue; such as 'I can do many things well', 'I'm still learning this skill', or 'I am knowledgeable in other areas'. After we find evidence against the negative, we can ask ourselves if there is a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation. Back to our example, perhaps we realize this is a great opportunity to learn something new or that we were just having an off day. Lastly, we need to ask ourselves if the negative thought is helpful. If the thought is draining us emotionally and causing a major block in moving forward, perhaps it's time to battle it in order to move forward.

In addition to battling the negative thoughts directly, we can try to control some of our environment to minimize the chance of negative input seeping in. For example, if we are around people who speak negatively about themselves and others, or are entertained by media that is negative in nature, we are more likely to experience negative thoughts. Eliminating or minimizing exposure to such input and replacing it with more positive input can help. By doing so, we can begin to change our thinking habits. We can also begin giving ourselves positive affirmations and creating lists of things we are grateful for daily. Doing so will force us to see our strengths and appreciate those things that are going well in our lives.

If people who are close to us started saying negative things towards themselves, we would try our best to encourage and support them. We would remind them of how wonderful they are, how much they are loved, and how strong they are. We would tell them they are doing the best they can, considering the situation they are in. Now it's time to start telling ourselves the same things and taking control over our thoughts. With time and consistency we can change our habits, accept our imperfections, and give ourselves a positive outlook.

The Measure of a Parent's Integrity

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:19:47 -0800

Kaitlyn (14) approached her mother one afternoon to ask if it would be okay if she and her boyfriend (15) could sleep together in her own bedroom on occasion. They were having sex together at times anyway and it would be much safer and more comfortable than in a park or in a friend's car. And "Please don't tell dad", she added. Kaitlyn's mom, Carolyn, was shocked at the request but had already suspected that her daughter was sexually active. She wasn't comfortable with the idea but could see the logic in it, particularly with the fact that it would be much safer. She wasn't sure how to answer.

Jason (17) approached his parents just prior to the date of his grade 12 graduation. Jason wanted to have a party with about 8 of his closest friends and indicated that they would be having a few beers but he promised that things would not get out of hand. He also promised to clean up after the party and they would all chip in for the alcohol and various snack items. They could all crash in the family room so no one would need to drive home. If dad was willing maybe he would even pick up the beer for them. Jason's parents weren't keen on the idea but would prefer their son to be in a safe setting with his friends if they were going to drink. They were also aware that drinking was a right-of-passage for grade 12 graduating students and that no matter what the parents said, the drinking was going to happen. They weren't sure how to respond.

Kyle (16) had just received his driver's license and now wanted to get his own car. He had a part time job and had saved some money but not nearly enough to buy a car. Kyle wanted his dad to co-sign a loan at the bank and he promised to make all the bank payments on time and to pay for his own maintenance and insurance. Kyle was heading into his grade 12 year and had done poorly in grade 11. His parents suspected that he used pot on occasion and he had come home drunk a few times. Kyle promised to not use pot or alcohol and to work hard on his grade 12 grades. Kyle's dad considered his son to be somewhat irresponsible and that he generally managed his money poorly. Despite his misgivings he reasoned that Kyle might learn to be responsible if he had the commitment of a vehicle to support. But he still wasn't totally comfortable with the idea and wasn't sure what to do.

Teens have this innate ability to present parents with all manner of dilemmas and they excel at pitching their ideas such that they make perfect sense. In turn, most parents want to please their children and give them the benefit of the doubt. Parents also want to avoid the nasty confrontations that can result when a teen's "perfectly sound and rational" request has no logical reason to be denied. "I've promised everything will work out fine. Don't you trust me?" Parents are then placed in the awkward position of being "damned if I do and damned if I don't".

Decisions on issues like those presented above are never easy for many parents. But by asking themselves a few key questions parents may be better able to assess the situation rationally and come to a decision that will be in the best interests of all concerned, even if it isn't the most popular decision. Test your own standards as you consider how you might respond to the scenarios noted above.
Here are a few guidelines:

Has my teen demonstrated a consistent level of responsible behaviour in the past?
Is the teen's request in line with my ethics and values as a responsible parent?
Is the teen's request both moral and legal?
Is the teen's request free of potential harm to either the teen or others?
Are you as the parent prepared to take full responsibility for whatever may occur if the teen's request is granted?

An answer of "no" to any of these questions is an indication that approving the request may set a dangerous precedent. What message is sent when we are prepared to sacrifice our ethics, morals, and values for the sake of avoiding conflict or simply wanting to be seen as a "good guy"? Parents must honour and model these standards or there are no real values to pass along to the next generation. Saying "No" at times can take a huge amount of courage but it can serve as the true measure of our willingness to be an effective model for our children and our integrity as a parent.

Destructive Narcissistic Parents

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:07:22 -0800

Susan was asked to go to her parents' home for dinner. After trying on four outfits, she fell into a heap on the bed crying. Mark, her husband, had seen this behavior before. Wrapping his arms around her he gently said "I know your parents are going to make a comment about your appearance or weight, no matter what you wear. We don't have to go Susan, why do you keep torturing yourself?" Why indeed?

As a grown woman she describes interactions with her parents as involving:

Dreading encounters
Guilt in wanting to avoid them
Frustration, anger and shame when she speaks with them
Feeling like a child in their presence
Wishing they would disappear
Hoping, despite the evidence to the contrary, that they will change

Following a one hour call of listening to their recent vacation experience they said "Enough about us. Let's talk about you. You haven't mentioned whether you got the pictures WE sent you of OUR trip". It always comes back to them.

Susan is the adult child of parents with what could be described as having a destructive narcissistic personality. Some of the destructive patterns her parents displayed were:

A demand for unlimited attention and compliments.Attention seeking behavior: bragging, tantrums, being loud, sulking, complaining, one up manship, cruel teasing.
A demand to be seen as special and unique: what they say is more important than anyone else, impressing others with material objects or tales of their successes, immediate compliance with their demands, anger if not the centre of attention.
Insisting you're oversensitive, they will insist you should or should not feel a particular feeling, they will diminish your feelings, show no interest in listening to you, change the topic if you discuss something emotionally intense, criticize, devalue your comments when you express emotions, and tell you how you "brought it on yourself" if you express a negative feeling.
Believing you are an extension of them: they have the right to control what you say and do and show anger if you do not, drop what you are doing and attend to their needs, become highly offended if your opinions or values differ from theirs, insinuate that you are stupid or inept when you don't rely on them to tell you what to do and how to do it.
Grandiosity: boasting, arrogance, intensely wounded when you disagree, easily offended at any hint they are wrong or mistaken, unable to laugh at themselves.
Shallow emotions. Anger and fear are obvious. If you express a happy, joyful or distressing experience they ignore, belittle or minimize your experience and will change the topic back to themselves.
Lies, exaggerations, distortions, misleading statements, expectation of favors, manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Emotional Abuse - perhaps the most bruising. They are highly attuned to your sore spots, emotional triggers and how to induce shame and guilt. Examples are demeaning comments on your appearance or abilities, blaming you for their discomfort, criticizing, devaluing you and your accomplishments, belittling your efforts to please them, unfairly comparing you to others, insinuating that what you do or say is never quite right. You are kept on the defensive, always waiting for the next verbal attack. Remember, you are inferior!

Susan could have become like her parents but like many adults who have been raised by self absorbed parents, she took on the anti-model role. She lacked healthy narcissism such as self-confidence and self-respect. Self loathing and depression was a constant.

For the adult children of destructive narcissistic parents, it is time to stop being abused and interacting as though you are still a helpless child. Knowing where you come from can help you understand your unhealthy responses but it is not an excuse to keep living in pain and accepting abusive behavior. It is possible to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries without becoming vindictive or abusive yourself. You are not an extension of your parents and have the right to your own feelings and thoughts. Your heightened sensitivity and empathy can assist you in seeing that your parents are likely not aware of the anguish they cause. Education can help you understand that your parent is unlikely to accept they are flawed as this will result in accepting they are imperfect, a fear so great, that it threatens to destroy how they define themselves. Perhaps the most difficult shift is accepting the reality that they may never willingly change.

The exciting news is that you can change and in doing so, the dynamics of your relationship with your parents will also change. It may not be in the way you wanted at first, but imagine how it will feel to find your self respect, confidence, integrity and dignity unshaken in the face of interactions that had previously been devastating. It is possible to be gracious, kind and have healthy boundaries. Therapy can help you achieve these goals.

Sabotaging Your Marriage 101

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 09:34:20 -0800

Sandra and Ben had anticipated getting married after their university graduation. They were looking forward to setting up their own home, being able to spend unprecedented time together, establish their own lifestyle, raise a family and continue to work in their chosen careers, supported unconditionally by the other. However, the reality that followed did not meet their expectations. Over time they became disillusioned, growing increasingly resentful of each other. They doubted their decision to marry. They blamed each other for their own unhappiness. What they didn't realize was that each of them had engaged in relational sabotage: They had allowed destructive patterns to creep in and jeoparadize their relationship.

Messing up a marriage doesn't usually happen overnight. You have to work at it. If I were to teach a class on "How to Sabotage your Marriage" based on twenty-five years of observations, it would include the following:

Take your spouse for granted. Discontinue politeness and appreciation. Don't acknowledge the other when they come home from work or outside engagements, don't express appreciation for domestic chores performed, or income being brought home to meet family expenses. Don't let your spouse know they are important to you.

- Here the "sins of omission" are just as great as are those of "commission". It is the absence of appreciation, courtesy and acknowledgement that dismantle the relationship.

Be satisfied with the mediocre. Don't expect much from your relationship. Resist regular "talk times" or "dates" where just the two of you connect. Express disinterest when your spouse suggests doing anything different or fun and most importantly, don't initiate any activities or time together which might get his or her hopes up!

- Although not overtly destructive, the apathy reflected here can be likened to the gradual wearing of carpeted steps... over time, it is the everyday grievances which gradually wear the relationship out.

Be negative. Communicate your cynicism, discontent and unhappiness with your spouse as much as possible. Be irritable and grumpy most days, and don't attempt to moderate your mood in any way. Be pessimistic about the future, and oversensitive about slights from others. Assume the worst of everyone.

- In Gottman's *study of marriages he observed that "there is a healthy balance between positive and negative feelings and actions toward each other...That magic ratio is 5 to 1. As long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as there is negative, the marriage is likely to be stable over time".

Misplace your priorities. Ensure the career or children or your parents or (fill your own priority in) come first. Put any extra effort or resources that might be available for you into your own interests or hobbies or volunteer work. Believe that although you are too busy with these priorities right now, your spouse will understand and you can make up for it later.

- Fatigue and time pressure are two of the most common factors that rob couples of time available to increase their emotional and physical intimacy with one another. Your spouse will certainly get a clear message that they are not important if optional resources whether in the form of time or money are spent elsewhere. A painful lesson learned is that if you don't make your relationship with your spouse a priority, someone else will.

Speak demeaningly. Convey disrespect when you talk to your spouse by using insults, name-calling, sarcasm and mockery. Frequently speak sharply and angrily. Use nonverbal methods to communicate contempt such as rolling your eyes, turning away, and sneering. Criticize your spouse in front of others (especially your children).

- Steven Covey** discusses the impact of an emotional trust account where positive "deposits" such as affirmations, active listening, kindnesses and praise contribute to building up the other, and therefore contribute to a positive "bank account" and relationship. Criticizing one's spouse publicly is one of the biggest "withdrawals" possible. Avoid it at all costs.

Allow secrets and 'little white lies'. Believe that little white lies don't hurt. Have a private life and relationship(s) apart from your spouse. Avoid being accountable for your time and money.

- Lies are seldom little and never white. The practice of deceit, or withholding, creates a pattern of secretiveness which begins the process of trust erosion. Even though your spouse may not know exactly what is wrong, they know that something is wrong. Any type of deceit begins to erode trust, which is the very foundation the relationship and family rest on. While less visable, all else in the relationship depends on it.

Allow domestic chaos. Be messy. Don't clean up after yourself. And especially don't clean up after others - that's not your mess, anyway! Expect your spouse to clean/cook/chauffeur whenever necessary, because you have more important things to do. Make it clear that there is "man's work" and "women's work", and ne'er the twain shall meet.

- Ask your spouse to "do their share" around the home, instead of asking them "to help". Schedule a discussion to divide chores, deliniate priorities (Are home cooked meals a priority? How often does the lawn need mowing?) and make a list of the tasks that need to be done. Share onerous tasks and mutually assign others based on skill or proclivity. If necessary and you are able, hire help.

Although Sandra and Ben, like many others, had allowed their marriage to get to a sad state of disrepair, their relationship can be reconciled. As with any other goal worthy of attainment, the state of a marriage reflects the effort put into it.

* Gottman and Silver, at http://www.psychologytoday.com*
**Covey, Steven. The Seven habits of highly Effective people.