Like most people adversely affected by the policies of Bush, the Daily Show provided me with 30 minutes of salvation each day during 8 years of insanity.  I believe the Daily Show might not have come into existence otherwise, much less been a success.  You could say the Bush administration birthed the Daily Show in a sort of Frankenstein-y way.  Except in this case it was the doctor, not the monster, that struggled with language.

Then one day it was all over.  Bush was gone.  Obama was in.  I stopped watching the Daily Show.  Why should I keep watching?  I don’t need to watch someone mock Fox News for 30 minutes.  I’m not really that affected by that news channel.  It’s not like Fox is my only choice for bias information.  And dumb broadcasters are everywhere.  I once saw a reporter on ABC who was commenting on the intense heat of summer remark how she felt even more sorry for the high rise construction workers behind her because they were “closer to the sun.”

But as the years since 2009 passed something changed.  I felt myself getting frustrated with the Obama administration.  I was upset.  Not to the same degree as when Bush was in office, but upset nonetheless.  I grew tired of inaction, stalemates, and people being invited to the white house for beer.  I was parched for humorous critique.  In desperation I tuned back into the Daily Show.

What I found was a caged lion still pawing away at Fox News, the Tea Party, Nancy Grace, and other people who had little to do with my life.  True, I thought they deserved to be mocked, and I did enjoy it, but I craved something more.  I needed someone to point to the Emperor’s clothes and honestly tell us what they saw.  John and his team tried their best.  Occasionally they’d wag their finger at something Obama said or did, but it was always done with that “you little dog” coyness, tongue pressed firmly in cheek.  The one occasion where I thought Stewart might be going after Obama reminded me of the way a coach goes after an under-performing athlete – “C’mon!  I know you can give me more than that!”

But unchecked bias, even in a comedy show, can rear ugliness.  And that’s precisely what happened last week. During a segment involving John Oliver, a clip was played showing Rick Santorum discussing his stance on abortion with Piers Morgan (link pasted below).  Piers asked the obligatory “what about instances of rape” question that seems to conclude every discussion on the topic.  Santorum replied in perhaps the most thoughtful way I’d ever heard someone reply to the question.  And that’s hard for me to say because I support a woman’s right to chose, especially when rape is involved.  And while I also think Rick Santorum presents the worst option for president, there was still a part of me that respected his answer.  There was little to mock in what was a refreshingly unadulterated expression of one’s beliefs.

The clip ended.  There were a few obligatory boo’s from the audience, but I sensed that the majority of the audience was impressed by Rick Santorum’s answer as well.  And so it was left to John Stewart to provide us with the attack of the ‘right’ we’ve grown so accustomed to since his show took air.  His response: “So what he’s saying is that these women have to have their ‘rape babies’”.

It’s too bad John Oliver works for Stewart because I think I’d like to have seen Oliver have a go at that comment….

WTF John!  Rape Babies!  Are you serious?  Did it ever occur to you for even a second that there were woman out there who became pregnant through rape and still made the courageous choice to have their baby?  Do you think they refer to their children as ‘rape babies’?  Do you think these children enjoy being referred to as ‘rape babies’?  Maybe you think these ‘rape babies’ are equally to blame for what their biological fathers did to their mother having started out as ‘rape sperm’.  Heaven forbid John one of these ‘rape babies’ should climb its way into another toddler’s crib armed with its ‘rape rattler’!

But alas, no such retort from my favorite correspondent.

I’m sure if John Stewart had a whole weekend to mull over the appropriateness of that term he would not have used it.  But he didn’t.  He had only a day.  And unfortunately nobody questioned him about it.  And that’s what happens when you allow bias to guide your commentary.  That misty cloud of fervor envelops everyone around you so that what should be an obvious moment of ugliness goes unnoticed.  John should know that.  After all he spends enough time watching Fox News.

I realize at this point many of you are apt to say, “Hey Derick, you realize it’s a comedy show right?”  John Stewart played that card himself when he appeared on Crossfire and said, in response to an attack regarding his own biased commentary, “The show that leads into me is puppets making crank calls.”

That may be so John, but here’s the thing, many of us don’t watch the lead-in to your show.  Like a gentlemen from the oil & gas industry once said to me, “The Daily Show is my number one source for news.”  And that’s because the Daily Show is not a puppet show, nor is it a cartoon.  It is a satirical news based program that does a far better job than most at getting to the truth of a matter.  And that should be embraced.  It should not be dismissed so as to avoid bearing the responsibility of being held to a higher standard.

Link to Piers Morgan interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL47RxsUsU4

My purchase arrived in the mail February 13.  For three days it lay unopened on my desk.  Who could blame me for not wanting to open it?  Would you open a box with the word “Insanity” written across?

It’s now been 10 days since the Insanity Workout Program, made famous by former sprinter Shaun T. Paul, arrived.  For those of you who have never heard of this workout, it’s a lot like the P90X Workout Series, only compacted into 60 days instead of 90.  It is widely considered to me be one of the most intense workouts ever designed.  Those who complete it and provide evidence receive a t-shirt, which apparently is supposed to be some sort of badge of honor.  Just for the record, I am not doing this for the t-shirt.

Anyway, I finally mustered the courage to open the box.  Step one complete!  Now I’ve entered the preparation phase.  I’ve scheduled my workouts to begin February 27^th.  The start date got pushed back a little.  I wanted to make sure I was fully prepared for the intensity of the workout.  At least that’s what I told Suzy, my dental hygienist.  During a visit this week I mentioned to her I had just purchased the Insanity Workout.

I won’t lie.  I was hoping to impress her.  Suzy is very fit.  She looks like one of those girls you see in the background of workout videos.  You know, the one who doesn’t get to take a break and talk about the wonderful form of their assistants.

Maybe I’m delaying, but I do think this is the prudent thing to do.  You can’t rush into these types of things.  It’s a 60 day intensive program.  I want to make sure all my ducks were in a row.  First I had to clean out my garage, the place I’d chosen for my workouts.  Done!  Then I had to make sure I purchased a thick rubberized matt for proper cushioning.  Done!  Then I had to be sure the TV and the DVD player were working properly.  Okay maybe I’m a little scared.

I don’t know if this is a bad sign, but my arm got a little tired carrying home the industrial sized container of protein powder Shaun T. Paul encouraged me to buy.  It’s chocolaty.  I’m skeptical.  I’ve had “chocolaty” food products designed by weight lifters before.  Calling these things chocolaty is like calling economy class seating “comfy”.  Thanks Mr. Airline for that splash of foam inside my seat cushion.

At this point some of you might be tempted to ask if this purchase was the result of a mid-life crisis?  Of course it was.  But at least it didn’t cost me $55,000 and come in bright red.  This one cost $150 and the bright red only lasts for 45 minutes.

As I talked further with Suzy I found out that not only had she heard about it, but she’d actually purchased it too.  No surprise there.  I asked her how it was.  I was expecting to hear, “It was good, not as tough as I hoped though.”  Instead she said, “Actually I wasn’t able to make it through it.”

What??!!  You’ve got to be sh&*%ing me!  She couldn’t make it through it!  This person has the body of a 15-year-old gymnast.  I have the body of a person who coaches a 15-year-old gymnast.  Oh boy!  Not good.  If this workout was too difficult for her to complete how could I be expected to complete it?  How could I even be expected to survive??  The literature said I had to consult a physician before I began.  I’d only consulted a dental hygienist and it wasn’t looking good.

As Suzy prepared to remove a year’s worth of tartar she said I should let her know if things got too uncomfortable.  “We can stop whenever you need.”  Yeah, easy for you to say.

I should mention this isn’t exactly my first time doing tv workouts.  I’ve tried them before. The hardest workout I ever did was by this guy named Marco Reed from Body By Jake.  It was a 40 minute workout.  I did it 7 times and never once did I make it through without spending at least 5 minutes (12%) of the video lying flat on my stomach as though Marco’s fist had reached into my living room and punched me square in the jaw.

I think it’s safe to say the Insanity Workout will be much more difficult.  First of all, Marco never suggested I consult a physician before I began.  “Just make sure you have a lot of water before you begin,” was all he ever said.  Plus Marco never encouraged me to take ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos.  All I can say is, I hope my ‘after’ photo isn’t a shot of me with my eyes closed and arms folded across my chest.  That would be bad for marketing.

Sitting in that dentist’s office was the most concerned I had been since the Insanity Workout arrived.  My fortitude was officially at its weakest.  Almost immediately after Shaun T. Paul’s Insanity Workout arrived I’d questioned whether I really needed to do it.  I struggled to remember the reasons that left me feeling like this would be the best possible thing for me.

On many nights after the package arrived I found myself considering my reflection in the mirror.  I didn’t feel as though I looked that bad anymore.  My initial disappointment at my reflection was fading.  On one night I even said outloud, “Damn, I look pretty good for a 40 year-old man!”  My wife didn’t help things either with her comments.  “I hope you don’t get too skinny Derick.  I kind of like your chunky man body.”

I sat in that dental chair listening to the candy cane shaped hose sucking up my saliva and I began to wonder if all my resolve had been sucked away too.  Would I be the first person to quit the Insanity workout before even starting it?  Oh well, maybe they could use that for marketing.  “Are you man enough to try the workout Derick Lengwenus was too scared to start?  Show Derick Lengwenus you ain’t no wuss like him.”

For what it’s worth I did make it through my teeth cleaning without asking Suzy to stop.  Before I left the room we scheduled my next appointment.  I could see her typing the information into the monitor.  Date:  August 17^th.  Time:  11 am.  Then she wrote something in the comments section.  “Ask about Insanity Workout.”

Great!  Now it’s official.  One of us is going to have to die.

Metra passenger train leaving Chicago

Today Chicagoans and Chicagoers woke up to 30% fare increases for Metra rides.  People previously paying $90 a month are now paying $120.  The reasons for the Metra fare hikes are familiar:  tighter budgets, growing deficits, less money, whatever you want to call it.

It all sounds reasonable no matter how painful.  The problem is that it’s not true.  Or at least, it doesn’t get at the root cause of the fare hikes.  And the root cause of the Metra fare hikes is not tighter budgets, but that too many rich people are still using public transit.

When rich people ride public transit they demand too many luxuries.  Like seating, security, and safety.  Those luxuries cost money to provide.  Think how much money the Metra could save in fuel costs if it implemented rolling stops.  It can be done people!  I’ve watched enough black & white movies to conclude that even a woman can get on a moving train once she removes her heels.

I will admit, most of the people in those movies were pretty thin.  And given the growing waistlines of Americans, particularly the poor, many would argue that some people can barely get on now, never mind when you add motion.  But I say this is exactly the kind of incentive the poor need to get back in shape and shed those extra pounds. 

That isn’t the only residual benefit rolling stops provide.  Rolling stops also lead to less time spent at railway crossings waiting for the train to pass.  In other words:  greater flow of traffic for the rich.

What really makes my ideas appealing is the residual benefits that trickle up to the rich.  Such as:  (1) less time spent in the company of the poor and (2) less pressure put on them to pay their fair share of the taxes.  It’s Win-Tie for both parties.

At this point some of you may accuse me of stealing my ideas from the Fox News Network.  Maybe, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work.  The fact is there are more poor people out there than rich people, and the gap is widening.  Thus the Metra cannot afford to cater to a declining market segment.  It must find a way to get rich people off the train rather than poor people, which is the exact opposite of what this rate hike accomplishes.

And one other thing; once the rich stop riding the train you can get rid of sanitation as well.  Cross that, that one has been accomplished.

So pardon me for asking a silly question but, how come you never see any naked zombies?   Surely somebody had to be naked when the zombie apocalypse hit.  Just think about how many people are naked right now.  Maybe they’re filming a dirty movie, or taking a shower because they just finished filming one.  

Come to think of it, not only have I not seen a naked zombie, I haven’t even seen a half naked zombie.  You ever walked by a burning building?  There’s at least one guy standing on the street in his underwear.  Maybe he lives in that building, maybe he doesn’t.

Remember, not all zombies come from the grave.  Many are turned into zombies during an attack.  And I’m pretty sure naked people would be the first to go because they’ve got to worry about two things:  (1) getting dressed, (2) avoiding the chasing zombie(s).   And if you’re in the shower you’re really screwed.   That’s the last place I’d want to be during an attack.  Think of all the things working against you…

1. You’re in an enclosed area.
2. Your vision is impaired by steam and possibly soap.
3. Your sense of hearing is impaired by the ventilation fan and shower
4. You’re probably singing which not only further impairs hearing but also attracts zombies.
5. Your feet are wet reducing traction
6. You have nothing defend yourself save for soap, washcloth, and a back scrubber.
7. And finally you’ve had a hard day and you’re probably crying thereby lowering your self esteem and ultimately your will to fight back.

…in other words, you are toast with a brain marmalade spread.

Consider also that nobody fights well when they’re naked, except for the Greeks.  For those of you who don’t know that’s how the ancient Greeks wrestled – in the nude.  In fact the entire Olympic Games used to be nude.  The athletes also covered themselves in olive oil.  In the summer!  In Greece!!   Now add bad decision making to the list of naked handicaps.

There should be hordes of naked zombies!   Not all in the same pack, but inter dispersed.  Like, “look there’s a zombie in construction clothes, there’s one in a police uniform, there’s a biker, a sailor, a cowboy, and holy crap there’s a zombie with no clothes on, and I think he might be an Indian. 

Even if you weren’t naked during the zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean you wouldn’t at some point become naked due to normal wear and tear.   Or more specifically – zombie wear and tear.  And once naked, zombies don’t change their clothes or replace a towel that was once fastened to their naked, wet body.  Zombies are like nude streakers free from societal constrictions surrounding public decency.

Clearly I’m not a zombie and therefore I can’t imagine what goes through one’s head.  But I am pretty sure that if I were a zombie the last thing I’d care about is whether I had any clothes on.  It’s barely a concern now.

So what was different about this Cruise Line Captain?  Why didn’t he go down with his ship, or at least list with it?  Did his character get in the way, or did other circumstances conspire against him?  Was it a bit of both??

There have been already ample stories suggesting his character was at fault.  I heard recently that the captain was a favourite… of the ladies.  Pretty hard to steer a ship when you’re cruising women.  I also heard that one of the cooks said the captain was still trying to order food for one of his lady friends half an hour after the incident!  Wow!  Didn’t the captain realize the kitchen staff needed to get off that ship too?  Clearly in the mind of this captain the employees of that ship are like Egyptian slaves.  As their supreme ruler’s destiny goes, so does there’s.

The recently released conversation between the captain and the coast guard doesn’t do him any favors either.  Or does it?  After hearing it a handful of times played on the radio, seeing it on television and reading it on the internet I’ve come to understand something more about the situation.  And that is, the captain is not the only one not doing his job.

I take issue with the tone of the Coast Guard and the threats he lobs at the captain.  “Hey listen you, I’m recording this and I will make you look very bad”.  I find threats are never a good idea in these situations because they put people on the defensive.  Now the captain is being forced to think about himself and that never helps when others require help. 

He already was thinking about himself that’s why he left the ship!!!  I agree, but panic is contagious.  And in my own life I’ve found myself walking towards the thing that scared me most after first running from it.   Further, at this point we don’t know for sure what the captain was aware of.  He does seem surprised and dismayed when the coast guard informs him there are casualties.

In my experience what works better in these situations are appeals for help.  Such as, “Captain we need your help, we have strong evidence to suggest more people on board.  I realize it is dangerous, but could you return to the ship and check to see if there are still people on board.”   Save your criticism for the investigation and trial.  But unless there is more tape we haven’t heard, threatening the captain is the only tactic employed. 

In examination of this whole catastrophe I feel it is important to remember that it was not only the captain’s duty to rescue people, but the coast guard as well.  But Instead of putting his emotions aside, the coast guard gets into a heated argument with the captain which only diverts energy and resources from the task at hand – saving lives.   Why?  What is the purpose?  Are not precious seconds ticking away as the two argue whether or not the captain should get back on board, whether he can get on board, etc., etc. etc.?

The captain may very well be guilty of many things including dereliction of his duties.  And people should get angry because of it, but there is a time and place for that.  And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in the middle of the rescue.

The moment it becomes clear that the captain has abandoned the ship and more importantly refuses to re-board, it should have become obvious to the coast guard that this man was no longer of any help.  What’s more, if the assumption in the coast guard’s mind is that the captain is in dereliction of duty and thus a man lacking courage, which seems to be the case judging by his tone, then why would you want to employ the efforts of this man any further in this important mission?  Perhaps there was more than one person in that conversation who didn’t want to be aboard that ship.

The more I listen to the conversation the more unclear I am of what is going on and who is at fault.  I prefer movies.  They’re always more clear about these things.  Probably because you never hear people arguing over whose job it is to be a hero.  Somebody just grabs the wheel.