This is a hat that was given to me for helping out at the Petting Zoo at camp by one of the lovely members of the “Triad.” (I have to see if they have scene/blog names or if I should make up ones.)

And yes, that is all my hair. I need to get it trimmed though. The ends are so dry and split. I’m actually thinking of cutting to my shoulders though. Nothing too short. But this long hair whenever I wear it down always gets in the way! It gets caught in my armpits a lot, lol. I’m also thinking of dying it chocolate brown (it’s reddish brown right now).

Plus, there’s gratuitous boob in there for you

It was Sunday night of Shibaricon and Jefferson and I were finally playing in the dungeon. Part of me was nervous about it- for a few reasons. The one being we really hadn’t played together in over a year. There was once or twice when Jefferson got the cane out, but it was all light and not in the least be intense. So I really didn’t know how I’d react to that dynamic between us again. I was also nervous because I was uncertain of our energy and relationship those days. Things had already been feeling off since the winter when I started acting out against D. and we began fighting about it. Not to mention that only a few days before leaving for Chicago, I had come to the realization there was very little left to our relationship and I no longer wanted to continue it after the trip.

So, yeah, add all that up and then let Jefferson tie me up and hit me was a wee-bit nerve wracking.

I was wearing my pretty new corset that evening and it actually put me more in a mood to play. Jefferson and I didn’t get to the dungeon until later in the night because we had enjoyed a long visit with a long time reader from the area, Mariel. Once down in the dungeon, we found Zelda and Jocasta already playing and we made a quick pit stop for Jefferson to finger Jo for a little bit.

After that, we started to hunt for a place to do our scene. A lot of the furniture was being used, but we found one area with a funky post so that the person bends forward when tied to it.

Jocasta ended up doing a majority of the tying, but Jefferson was there watching. Hopefully learning. I was tied in my corset with my waist attached to a post that was angled at about 45 degrees, my hands tied behind my back, and my ankles tethered to the bottom post. The blindfold was put on last. And Jefferson and I were left alone to do our own thing.

He started with a kiss.

And with that, I felt safe enough to let go with him one last time.

With 2 canes borrowed from Jocasta, he started warming up the front of my thighs with light quick taps.

I was quickly lulled into that floaty head space as Jefferson alternated between striking my thighs and gently caressing them.

[Note: I’m posting this unfinished because it’s in my drafts, but I don’t know that I’ll ever finish it.  So I’m just putting it up.]

I have to share with you all this new artist I discovered the other night.  I was listening to Last.fm in the photo lab Sunday night and I had it playing on a Missy Higgins type channel when another great Australian (yet Israeli born) artist came on.

Meet Lior.

He’s amazing.

I love his vocals- they remind me somewhat of James Taylor actually, when he was young.

And then his style of music.   *Swoon*

I’m all about the singer/songwriter genre.

I hope you enjoy!

It’s not that I want Jefferson back in my life (at least the rational part doesn’t).  Believe you me, I don’t.  It’s just that I’m adjusting to something that was basically a constant in my life for 2 years being gone now.  For good, once and for all.  This isn’t like the other times.  We can’t talk and work things through.  We’re no longer a rock.  (Jefferson once described us as solid as a rock when we were going through a rough patch and I was thinking of leaving.)  We lost our strength a long, long time ago.

Not everything about being with Jefferson sucked.  Obviously, or I wouldn’t have stayed for so long.  I have plenty of blog entries here documenting the good times we shared.  And I think it’s perfectly logical and reasonable that I would miss those times.  Except for at the very end, I would still be excited to see him and spend time with him (and I was still shaving and wearing nice underwear too!).  That same giddy excitement I felt from day 1 lasted 2 years.  I loved how he used to touch me (though I’ve been missing that for longer than 3 months now) and I could never get enough of him.  I felt something for Jefferson that I really never experienced with anyone else.  And I can’t explain the hows or whys.  If I knew, I’d be torn between wanting to protect myself from ever letting it happen again, or searching for that kind of connection with another person.

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.  This isn’t what I had planned.

If anything, I should have stayed broken up with him the 1st time and then we wouldn’t be where we are now.  Not friends.  Not speaking.  Not in each other’s life.

The break-up was…awful.  But I was at my wit’s end.  Everything I was doing wasn’t helping to save our relationship (probably because I was the only one doing something).  The lies continued.  The distance between us grew further.

You know I never saw his new place?  He never makes dates, so of course I was never invited to see it.  And then since I was trying to be helpful, I was trying to give him space so he had time to move, unpack, write his book, etc.  But I was so hurt and infuriated when I started reading all these accounts of all these other people spending time with him.  Including new people.  This was days before our trip to Chicago.

It was that moment that I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I think I did a pretty good job of hiding that while in Chicago, if I do say so myself.

I guess I ended it like I did because I didn’t want a repeat of last summer’s break-up to happen (me going back to him).  I didn’t want to be manipulated back into the relationship.  I didn’t want to keep being hurt by his indifference to my feelings and his not taking any responsibility for his actions.

I don’t know what made this year different than last, but whatever I did successfully severed all ties.  Now we’re not even able to be friends.

Part of me wishes we could be.  I do miss just having him be in my life.  For even just the smallest reasons.

Thursday night I used a 4×5 view camera for the 1st time and really, really loved it.  It was so cool and so unlike any other photographic process I’ve done before.  It’s amazing how different cameras can be and how that can alter the photo taking a process.  My fully manual camera is so different from my auto-focus digital.  Using a TLR is different from an SLR.  And now I finally know the charms of a view camera.

I developed the film last night (tray development in complete darkness) and was so pleased with my images!!  I only took 4.  The 1st one was messed up because the camera moved on a shaky tripod, but other than that it was good exposure. The 2nd one I didn’t like because some things were out of focus and I think I may have had a bellow off center.  But the last 2 were really nice.  Great exposure, even density.  And nice pictures too!

Plus I was also shooting at night so I had to use my reciprocity failure chart and make sure I was metering correctly.  I think I might go out again tonight to shoot another building that I liked.  (I’m very into architecture, not sure why I haven’t pursued that more…)  And then Sunday night my classmate and I are going to go set up by the river to get the skyline (I’ll let her discover the hard way it’s cliche and not all that interesting, instead of bursting her excitement prematurely).

And I write all of this because this is what I’d want to be sharing with Jefferson (and I guess I am sharing it with him since I know he’s reading).  He got my excitement (or was really good at patronizing me about all my art geekiness).  I miss having him there to run to excited and wanting to share what cool new thing I learned.

I remember the hurt and frustration, but I also remember the love and happiness.  And the fun, playful times (like the time I got him hogtied at Shibaricon and then tickled him and tortured his nipples, hehe).  And the tender times (like when he’d just hold me and lay with me when I was having a bad week and just needed his warmth to feel better).

Maybe we could be friends.  Maybe we couldn’t.  I don’t know.  It’s probably not all that important.  I don’t even know if being friends is even a good idea.  I just wish I knew what it took to be less sad about everything.  And if all it takes is time, well then hurry the fuck up.

People who don’t vote drive me crazy.  The world is going to shit and they don’t care enough to just vote.

Look, I’m not knee deep into politics.  I’ve barely scratched the surface reading a few news articles here and there in the past few weeks.  And I probably won’t be reading another political article for another 4 years.  But you can bet I’m heading home to cast my vote for Obama on November 4th.

Don’t be a loser.  Vote!

(And if you don’t want people to laugh at you, vote for Obama!)

I’m not generally one for gangbangs (but I do love me a bukkake session!), but I’d take Lorelei’s place here in a fucking instant!! God I have such fantasies about the foot/boot on the head thing. Drool.

I went into the city yesterday with a friend from class to go see some galleries, and I figured since we were in the city, we should get pierced! (My friend already had like 15 piercings and was wanting to get her eyebrow and monroe re-done). After some galleries we made our way over to St. Mark’s because I wanted to go to this Japanese place called Kenka’s that I was introduced to one night after a Pleasure Salon last year. Oh man it was so yummy. I want to go all the time!! I love Japanese food!

So after I started getting nervous. I originally thought I would get a Monroe piercing, but then I started wondering if I should get the vertical labret because I’d always liked how they looked. Except I knew that really, really hurt. We walked around St. Marks a little bit popping in different shops asking about prices, but ultimately decided to go to W. 4th where my friend new some good shops. We went into one shop and my friend got her eyebrow done there, but they didn’t have the jewelry for either my lip or her Monroe, so we went to a place next door. We lucked out with the next place, in that we found a piercer who really knew exactly what they were doing.

The vertical labret isn’t so common of a piercing so I needed to make sure the person really knew what they were doing.

My friend went first for her Monroe and then held my hand when it was my turn (I always need someone to hold my hand for piercings).

OMG it hurt like a fucking son of a bitch!!!! I still don’t even know how I made it through!!! The needle was intense and then putting in the jewelry was a whole different kind of pain (external threading, bah). And then it was all tingly and swollen. Plus it hurts when I accidentally bump it.

But I did it!! And now I have a new hole in my face.

The jewelry is a bit long right now as it heals, but I can change it to something shorter in a couple of weeks. I think it won’t grow on me until then. I can’t really look at it much because the long jewelry just annoys me.

Man, I still can’t believe I did that!!

God my mom’s gonna flip!! (Probably both because it’s a new face piercing and also because I spent money on it, but it was actually only $25! Nice, right?)

I think it’s going to quiet around these parts this semester.  I’m so busy it’s gone past my eyeballs!!  And it’s only September.

In the meantime, go here.

I’m hoping some of you out there can help me with a photo project I want to do this semester.

I want to shoot couples (and plurals) of all varying mixtures.  I have a few friends I’m going to proposition, but I want to get at least 6 couples (or groups), but  I’d be much happier with 8, and ecstatic with 10.  I have ads up on CL, but I’m not sure how good of a response I’ll get there.  So I’ll use this as my ad space too right now.

I basically want to capture my world (my sex positive and amazingly diverse world) and put it on display so others can see how beautiful it is.  Large aspirations, I know.  Well, I’ll just start with capturing it at least.  So with that said I basically want to shoot people all over the sexuality spectrum, gender spectrum, and kink spectrum.  Lesbians (femmes, butches, bois, etc), gay men (twinks, bears, etc (there are so many descriptions and I only know a few)), genderqueers, poly groups, masters and slaves, tops and bottoms, older men with younger girls, older women with younger guys, older couples, younger couples, and any other combinations I can’t think of.

I also want to do a spectrum of shoots from insightful portraits to full on naked, sex, erotic shots (bordering the line of porn I suppose).   I’ll probably work in both digital and film.  I’m still deciding on that.

I’m looking to plan shoots through out the semester (unitl the end of November, early December), but I want to start finding interested people now!

Whatever I shoot is going to be used just for class and potentially my portfolio.  Nothing commercial, no porn sites (I’m not shooting porn as it is).   We’ll do the whole model release thing.  And in the end, you’ll get a copy of the photos!

So if you’re reading this and you’re in the North/Central Jersey/NYC/Southern NY State area and either you’re personally interested or know someone who might be, please please please contact me at avahsascent AT gmail [dot] com.  Feel free to post this or forward this to interested newsgroups, interested parties, or the like.

If you’re responding please include a paragraph or so about you (you as in the people I would be shooting), your general location, general schedule of availability, and levels of comfort regarding nudity and/or sexual explicitness (ie: topless fine, pink not so fine.  Or making out naked fine, full on penetration not so fine, etc).  Also please include clear photos of anyone participating.  Face shots will do, full body is appreciated.  Clothed is just fine.

I look forward to hearing from you!

-Avah