To Whom It Concerns,

I, (name deleted, I don’t want you blood-thirsty jackals googling this idiot), am formally writing you to let you know that I am complaining about you to your web hosting service, as well as the people who give out domain names. This site is terrible and you all should be ashamed of yourselves. You don’t even put up a warning to help keep kids off of your site. If I can find it, I’m reporting you all to the child services organization in your area. I simply cannot stand people like you.

Best Regards,

(name again witheld)

WOW! I have to admit; doing this site is a lot of fun and reading some of the hatemail is a grind, but then I get something like this and… I mean.. damn! There’s so many ways to approach this. But hey, we’ve got a site to write and you’re hoping I really blow this idiot away, so let’s not disappoint…

First off, dear emailer, our webhost won’t do crap as we’re not against their Terms of Service. We aren’t producing porn or anything else horrendously illegal, we’re just writing a funny site and that’s about it. But hey, if you feel so compelled, do feel free to let GoDaddy know just how awful we are. In fact, I’m sure they’ll find your letter delightful… right before they delete it and go on about their lives.

Secondly, ICANN (that would be the “people who give out domain names”) won’t care either because they aren’t responsible for content on the Internet. Again, do feel free to complain to them though and I’m sure they’ll get right on top of ignoring you, just like GoDaddy did/will do.

And a warning? If you can’t tell the site’s a tongue-in-cheek site, then you need to seriously rethink your grasp on reading comprehension. In fact, I can tell that you didn’t even read our About page either, which lets you know that the site’s for humor only. But hey, why waste the opportunity to get mindlessly indignant right? Oh and the whole “children” part doesn’t fly either because, honestly, it’s not our responsibility to look out for the children. They have parents that are supposed to do that. Sure, it takes a village to raise a child, which is why we live in the childless village. Do the math.

The last point is my favorite though.. child protective services? Really? Well, we’re based in Oregon, so here’s a handy link to Oregon CPS! Simply put, there’s lots of horrible things you can do to children. However, letting them bear witness to a site full of text without pictures falls pretty much right at the bottom anyways. That said, if you feel compelled, then feel free to let Oregon’s CPS unit know and I’m sure they’ll get a much-needed chuckle in their day.

Or you could, you know, mind your own damn business and realize that maybe we already DO think of the children and have geared the site in such a way as to provide a natural safeguard to things. But then, your outrage would be horrendously misplaced and we just can’t have that, now can we? By the way.. we just got an email from 1954. It misses you and wonders where you went off to.

Best Regards!

Must say, was pointed out to your shite by a mate who thought that your advice was spot-on. Truth is, I’ve never seen a bigger load of bollocks in my life. You say that this man’s wife is ok because she likes clown makeup and that fetishes are normal? Mate, I’m gutted to see something so stupid on the internet. Sod off.

You know, I gotta admit this little special feeling in my heart whenever my site goes all international. Really. It makes me happy know that someone multiple timezones (not to mention entire tectonic plates) away are so wound up by this site that they just HAVE to take to their computers and tell me just how awful they are. Sure, it’s easy to be brave from 4,926 miles away, knowing that you won’t have to back up even half of the shit that you email to me (from a nice anonymous account too, aren’t you just the bravest little twat around…). That said, I still somewhat respect that you chose to email me and voice your opinion.

That said, the entry in question here (Send In the Clowwwhat?!) is exactly the type of business that Deviant Advice is invested in. We’re not here to pass judgment on what gets someone off (except furries and baby/animal fuckers), we’re just here to tell you that the stupid, strange, altogether fucked-up shit you’re into is perfectly normal.  No, you are not a beautiful and unique slowflake, handcrafted by God to remain pure until your untimely ending in a whisp of vapor (the hell? have you been watching Hallmark Channel again? -ed). No, you’re just as insane and crazy and screwed-up as the rest of us and that’s part of why Deviant Advice exists… to remind you of just how freakishly normal you really are.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, ED seems to be pulling out the conch shell, so you know what THAT means… (no, I don’t.. what the hell are you talking…  where the hell are your pants? -ed)

I like to be cut. It makes me feel good and I like the sensation of it. No, I’m not emo or some stupid shit like that I just like to get cut. My girlfriend says I’m a freek and wrong, but if it’s just something I like, it’s what I like right? I’m not doin it till I’m bleeding all over the place, but I like to have some blood. It’s normal, right?

-RF, Seattle

Whoah. Way to raise the SRS BZNS bar there RF. This one actually took a couple days to sort through, but we think we have a Deviant opinion on it and can help you out. And to do so, we called in our friend, The Pervy Geek!

<geek>

Hi there RF. Honestly my good sir, what you like is not “normal” per se. However, the thing is that “normal” can vary from person to person. So it’s not about “normal” in a societal sense, but “normal” in your sense. Now, I’m sure we can all agree that some stuff just IS NOT NORMAL under any circumstances. Things like animal sex, pedophilia, or being married to Tipper Gore are pretty much wrong know matter how you cut… damnit. Anyways, they are wrong, yours is not.

While there’s (interestingly) no specific name for this fetish, it actually has a fairly nominal psychological root. Those who are cutters on an emotional level are typically attempting to translate emotional pain into physical pain in an attempt to either gain attention (whether positive, or negative), or engage an endorphin response (“fight or flight”) to temporarily escape either true physical pain, severe emotional pain, or -generally- both. While it’s not the healthiest way to deal with emotional situations, it is a way and one that has folks on both sides arguing vehemently about it.

You, RF, have a different situation. You aren’t doing it for emotional release (unless you’re hiding something in your email), you’re just doing it from a more ritualistic standpoint. In the kink community, Fakir Musafar (wikipedia link) has gone on several speaking tours regarding ritualistic practices, including various speeches on cutting. Indeed, BME Zine (NSFW) has large sections devoted to the art of cutting and, by extension, scarification. Indeed, there’s a very large cross-section of cutters who are also into BDSM and prefer the cutting/scarring to be part of a more elaborate ritual. Sometimes this ritual is more about “taking ownership” of a submissive, or just devotion to an individual, or a House/Family.

On a much simpler tack, cutting before or during sex, often just increases adrenal response and tends to heighten arousal and orgasm. Granted, this particular benefit is short-lived as the body tends to deal rapidly in terms of pain mitigation, often indirectly encouraging more and more extensive cuttings. However, this isn’t always the case and, as such, your mileage may vary (YMMV).  So RF.. are you normal? Well, judging from your letter.. probably so. You just happen to like something fringe and relatively kinky. So long as it’s getting you off and you aren’t getting terribly out of control, then I’d say you’re just fine and shouldn’t worry at all. Enjoy what you enjoy!

girlfriend like to wear clown makeup when we have sex. What the fuck should I do?

-TS, Fremont

Well TS, I’m really surprised that you have to write in and ask about this. But hey, we all have our moments where we forget just what being Deviant truly means. I can also understand that this situation is a bit disconcerting since, well, most of us know clowns as either depressed drunkards, psychotic evil minions spawned from hell, or worse, Tim Curry (generally speaking, not just in “It”). So I’m gonna make sure that you’re taken care of and guided properly in this TS. Ready? Ok, here we go.

Fuck.

Her.

Often.

Got it?

It appears, TS, that you’ve forgotten the most valuable rule in bedroom sports.. namely, the crazier she is, the BETTER she is. So if you use this logic to it’s fullest, then the reality is that your chick is AMAZING in bed. In fact, we’re almost tempted to fly out there and give her a try ourselves (enjoy the couch tonight! -ed). But that would be wrong. (awww.. too late. -ed)

You see TS, it’s a long and well-established history that the ladies are, generally, the dirtier of the sexes. Oh sure, society tries to tell you and them that women are pristine, innocent, pure little bundles of child-rearing love and devotion. The reality, however, is that they’re the dirtiest, nastiest, kinkiest things you’ll ever come across. The sad part is that most of them tend to fall into the earlier myth of “women are pure” and try to fight the urges that they have. Most generally tend to break the cycle fairly cleanly and end up just being your garden-variety pervert (I use a cucumber one freaking time… -ed). However, some of them don’t and, well, this is where your girl falls in.

The longer they hold onto this particular myth, the harder it becomes to break free of it. And the harder to break free, the more severe the break. Some women just have random, promiscuous sex… others dress up like clowns. It’s basic psychology. So you see TS, the reality here is that your woman is trying desperately to break free of years of pent up sexual frustration at not allowed to fully express her kinky side. Your job? Well, your job is to encourage it and just let her go as apeshit as possible as often as possible. So what if she dresses like a clown? Hell, ED likes to dress up in lederhosen, spike heels, and blow a conch shell while we’re in bed (ack!!!! du lieber!!!!! -ed). Sure, it’s disturbing and strange (watch it buddy… -ed), but it’s loved all the same (awww.. still to late; couch it, asshole -ed). And that, my friend, is how true love works.

Unless she wears a red nose. then that’s just fucked-up.

Bet you never got this one before… So I’m a dude who likes trannies. Am I gay?

- JS, Detroit

Yup.

ps: it’s 2010. Why in the hell do you care? Just take the blowjob and get on with your life (that’s what he.. she.. he.. uhm.. fuck it. -ed)

A few months ago, me and the wife decided to try some swinging out. It worked out ok and all, but I may have a problem.

You see, the dude who’s wife I was with is now pissed. I guess she keeps talking about how good it was with me and she wants me again real bad. It’s not like she’s turning him down, but I guess, well.. I laid the pipe extra special or somethin. So what do I do man? My buddy’s pissed, my wife’s gettin pissed too, and I feel caught in the middle.

- DD, London

Well DD, sounds like you have… wait. You? Screw that, OTHERS have a problem here.

It’s not your fault man. God just happened to bless you with (we assume, so no homo here) decent equipment and the ability to use it. So why should YOU sweat the details? So yeah, the chick is hung up on you and her guy’s not exactly happy about it. Is that your fault? Hell no. THEY chose to get into this and not you. Oh sure, I can understand being concerned that your buddy feels like a useless sack of crap (and testicles -ed) in bed now.. but hey, you make an omelet, you break some eggs.. and hearts.. souls.. etc (worst breakfast ever! -ed).

So what do you do? Well, it’s easy.. do her, again. And again and again is the opportunity presents itself. After all, you had fun and she had fun and everyone else was a willing participant right? You bet your ass. The reality is that things just went better than they expected, or else hoped. Yes, hurt feelings CAN arise from this, but if the other couple just takes some time, they can figure out how to actually make this improve their own sex lives while still keeping you and your wife in the mix. Of course, you do need to respect their wishes if they decide to call it off.

But until that time, you owe it to God, the Queen, and your country to tap that so hard that whoever manages to pull you out would be the new king of England, you know?

So there’s this UPS lady who comes by my office and she is HOT. Seriously HOT. I see her on occasion and think about trying to hook up with her, but my buddy says that it’s not smart since I’d probably see her every day after. Now, I don’t want a relationship with her, I just want to hook up. I think she wants the same thing too cause I see her looking at me sometimes and she always looks away right after, so that’s gotta mean she’s into me right? Come on guys, think she’d want to check out MY package? LOLOLOLOL!!

- JB, Denver

Well JB, I think it depends. So long as you drop the stupid “package” joke, you may just have a chance here. After all, I think we’ve all had that fantasy.. goes something like this:

Her: “So uh.. I think I need to measure that package, just to see if it can fit properly.”

Us: “Oh we know it does. We’ve measured it a few times just to be sure.”

Her: “Oh have you? That sounds hot. I think I might need my extra large tape measure for this one.”

Us: “No, not really. We used a standard one and it was ok. It’s not like this is huge, it’s pretty average.”

Her: “Average? That’s ok baby. After all, it’s not the size of the package, it’s how you deliver it that counts…”

Us: “But you’re the delivery person? We did call you to come pick this up so YOU could deliver it. Right?”

Her: “Baby, what? I thought you were talking about your…”

Us: “What?! Oh my god. Are you ALL like this? Look, we have a package to send. It’s 10 inches and a bit thick. We got it in the box just fine. What in the hell were you thinking? And why is your shirt unbuttoned like that? Don’t you people have a dress code?”

Her: “But.. I mean.. Baby..”

Us: “We demand to talk to your supervisor, what’s his name?”

Scintillating.

Anyways, where were we? Oh yes, that’s right JB. Uhm. You know what, she’s probably a slut. Oh and your friend is only telling you not to because he’s probably tapping her ass too. Seriously, does UPS know that they employ nothing but whores?

What can Brown do for us? How about have some damned morals!

Just kidding. We fully endorse you hitting it, then refusing delivery if you know what we mean…

What DO you mean? -ED

I tried to figure out just what your site stands for when I came up on your article titled “Hit And.. Uhm… Sorta Date It?” and was absolutely disturbed by your total lack of morals. You are telling this young man that he should try to just sleep with this woman no matter what? You all even say that her wanting a relationship is pointless. This is why our Christian country is going downhill. It is people like you that give everyone else the freedom to go ignoring the morals that our country was founded on. I dare you to respond to this and take it seriously. I and my friends will be watching you.

*sigh* Mama always told us there’d be days like this. Days where we have just a HELL of a time schooling chumps.

So let’s just take a trip down through your email shall we? Great.

“disturbed by your total lack of morals.”

The site is, in fact, called DEVIANT Advice. I mean, how much more obvious can we get here?

“You are telling this young man that he should try to just sleep with this woman no matter what?”

Ok. So you clearly only hit on some small part of the site and didn’t read all over. So let’s just take a gander at the “About” page shall we?

Deviant Advice is built on the idea that people don’t want “advice” per se, they just want someone to tell them to go ahead and go through with whatever insane plan that they are concocting in their heads. So that’s what we decided to do.

Tadaa!!! So it’s not US telling this guy to hit this chick like the fist of an angry god, we’re just confirming that he should. Pretty simple eh?

“You all even say that her wanting a relationship is pointless.”

Well, do you own the cow that you get your milk from? No? Ok, shut it then.

“This is why our Christian country is going downhill. It is people like you that give everyone else the freedom to go ignoring the morals that our country was founded on.”

Oh that’s cute. Seriously. So uh, let’s do something fun here. First off, let’s go to a copy of the Declaration of Independence. Do a quick search for “God.” Notice that there isn’t really any direct mention of God? Just an ambiguous “Creator” reference. Now, let’s go over to the Constitution. Same thing. Now, notice anything? That’s right, no mention of any specific Christian doctrine. So please to be shutting your mouth int he future about this ok? Awesome.

And honestly, we just really wonder if YOU ALL take these documents seriously? So the ball’s in your court now. We responded seriously… what do YOU have?

Hey guys.

Right the fuck on!1!!! That religious guy is such a fag. U should know that anyone who’s that hard against the gays has to be one himself. I’m glad he fuckin got his shit caught. LOL! Or was his shit just packed? LOLOLOLOL!!!11!! You guys fuckin rock man, keep it chill!

Don’t get me wrong. We here at Deviant Advice LOVE it when you people email us over anything that pops into your minds. We do. It’s fun to log into the account and just take a look at the wide range of what you all send in and it it’s a WIDE range (so’s your mom.. AMIRITE?!?!? *fist bump* -ed). Most of the time it’s love mail; people telling us we rock, wanting more, wanting to marry us, and all other sorts of craziness. The hate mail is pretty few and far between so, sometimes, we have to take our LOVE and turn it into refined HATE and today’s emailer gets this one right in the face.

Of course, it’s not JUST because we need to post something today (uhm.. 3 month break? -ed), it’s also because this letter -while trying to be supportive- just makes us want to get sloppy drunk and run a train on ed’s mom (hit it and qui.. wait wut? -ed). While the writer is being supportive, they’re also being a quantum douche. The thing is, writer, we don’t really condone the use of Fag in any context.. unless you’re talking about any of the stupid breed of fag found on 4Chan. But then, that’s love and.. well.. it’s a very dark sort of love, so just let go.

Additionally, we also realized that, early on, you didn’t realize just what our letter meant. We were specifically saying that most folks SHOULDN’T be all happy about it because, well, he’s a troll. And the one thing here that we at Deviant Advice can’t condone, it’s a sloppy troll. However, Reker’s troll was so beautiful that we, frankly, had to stand up and take notice of it. It’s a thing of beauty and, honestly, gives the greatest IRL troll EVER (that’d be Sarah Palin, y’all) a run for the money in masterful trolling. Unless.. wait..

Could this email to us be a troll as well? Did we just get trolled? Oh for the love of … (just like YOUR mom.. ZING fag!!! -ed)

You magnificent bastard.

Watching this “scandal” unfold over the past couple of days, I am now convinced you have to be one of humanity’s most glorious assets. Not only have you made what is perhaps the most ignorant mistakes of your life, you’ve managed to catapault it into the public sphere and keep adding tidbit after tidbit to keep the fires going. You, my friend, are the world’s most proficient Attention Whore and my hat is off to you, you son of a bitch.

Well, I’m honestly sure your mom rocks, so I’ll just strike that SOB comment.

Anyways. Let’s talk shall we? I mean, seriously. This HAS to be intentional right? There’s no way that a man who spends roughly 2/3 of his life crusading against Gays and openly attempting to “convert” them can make a mistake of this magnitude. It’s almost too easy. I mean, what’s the one thing that society would just eat you alive over? We could forgive most anything else: cheating on your wife, fake PhD credentials, fake pornstache (and it’s a mighty fine one, so it can’t be fake), any of these things could be forgiven.. but no, you pull out all the stops and get busted in an airport with a gay prostitute. Goddamnit so much… you are beautiful.

Of course, you immediately try the most retarded defense I’ve seen… claiming he was there to help you with your luggage? Jesus Christ, man. Are you implying that your package is so massive, it requires the assistance of a well-oiled 20-something hardbody to schlepp around an airport? I mean, the photo still of you shows you ACTUALLY HANDLING YOUR OWN LUGGAGE for fuck’s sake. So swing-and-a-miss on that one eh big guy? So then you do the next logical thing… you put your game down, flip it, and reverse it and claim you willfully did this to share the gospel of Christ with the dude. Sure, I can buy into that. After all, my youth pastor consistently took us on TEN-DAY ALL-EXPENSE-PAID VACATIONS to show us the power of Christ. And I think if you look in Deuteronomy, Jesus does the same thing.. but I read the NIV and you strike me as a King James kinda guy, so I might be wrong there.

Really? Come on. You even then try some weak article on your blog and promptly lose the plot entirely. So all of this combined really just leads us here to a simple conclusion: you be trollin’. There is absolutely no way that a human being can be this utterly, weapons-grade stupid. You helped co-found a national organization AND got a PhD, so you have to have SOME brains (that weren’t sucked-out by your gay luggage handler). So either you’re a cock-huffing homo (possible, but not like it matters,) a victim of an elaborate “sting” operation (and if you claim it, we’ll go public and say you ripped us off), the world’s stupidest human being (possible, but low probability), or a troll of the highest caliber (ding ding ding ding ding). To you sir, we say Good Jerb… you bitch.

HELP!!!1!!1! Our buddy has this girlfriend that he loves,  but we all HATE. This woman is a straight-up bitch and he can’t even see it. I guess she’s hot in bed (or the kitchen table,or the apartment pool, I heard the girl is kinke! LOL) or something. Anyways, we know what’s up and he just can’t see it.

Last year, on Jason’s birthday, she totally fuckin screwed Jason out of getting some birthday tail. She kept talking really loud about how he always had to go the doctor all the time “for shots” and shit. Then one Christmas she just totally bitched out on our buddy because he didn’t get her this ring that he totally couldn’t afford and just walked away. This is bullshit man and we need to have an intervention for him.. but how do we do this? Come on DA, help us help him!

-NR, Houston

First off… we’re curious. How in the hell do you misspell “kinky,” but still nail down “intervention?” Seriously, we’re totally fucking baffled by that. Anyways. Since you’ve asked, here’s how to stage a proper intervention and rid your buddy of the poon-beast that’s quietly eating his soul (along with his cock… these creatures are mighty hungry).

Step 1: Don’t invite him over. You’re going to have to pretty much spring this on him. So just take the intervention to him. Seriously, just all of you show up at his place.

Step 2: Do NOT let him talk. At all. Period. EVER. Duct-tape his mouth if you have to. The operative thing here is to get him to shut his yap and not try to defend the woman he’s dating… or succumbing to, whatever.

Step 3: Violence isn’t the answer.. but it sure as hell gets the job done. We’re not suggesting to take knees out with a baseball bat.. but we’d sure understand. After all, if he can’t walk to the door, his car, his phone, out of a puddle of his own puke that WOULD be there were his mouth not duct-taped, then he can’t get to her and that’s what you’re going for here.

Step 4: BE PERSISTENT. Don’t give up when he seems like he might be going along with this. He’s probably lying, so you’ll likely have to camp out at his house for a month and keep him surrounded at all times. It’s for his own safety. Additionally, you’re going to have to keep up a constant reminder of just how horrible this harpy of a woman really is.

Step 5: If all else fails.. have you considered just flat-out murdering this woman? While it’s not the policy of Deviant Advice to actively encourage you to end another human being’s life, we’ve well-established that this isn’t a human being but, rather, a vagina with teeth and probably a nice pair of Manolo’s. So really, you’re not committing murder per se. “Per se” being, of course, our way of saying “seriously.. don’t go killing this woman.” After all, our lawyer tenses up everytime Twitter goes off to let him know we have a new article. The last thing we want to do is actually make him do something.

thanks,
zf portland

Whoah whoah whoooooooah thre ZF. We just took a three-month break (sorry ’bout that y’all.. sometimes it’s hard to be Deviant…) and we need to ease into things. So let’s take a moment, take a few deep breaths.. Let’s go to the happy place we have for our.. wait. No, eff it, we’re good. Let’s get down to business here.

We’ll start by isolating the main point of your email:

i think she has an interesting personality and she would probably make a better friend, but she doesnt have sexual fun outside of relationships, is it wrong for me to keep her as a gf even though i dont see it going anywhere with her?

You know what ZF, you can’t stick your penis in a personality, so who cares? Personalities are what you focus on after you get married and watch your soul die a slow, agonizing death while you try to come to terms with the fact that you traded drunken threesomes for the ability to use the HOV lane without the need for three Real Dolls. So, clearly, this really shouldn’t be an issue. As far as her “not having sexual fun outside of relationships” ZF.. let me impart this wisdom to you. and I’m going to make sure it’s clear and unmistakable:

Women are BIGGER perverts than men.

Seriously. For every woman who spends 14 hours on Feministing bitching about any/everything with a penis and decrying the devaluation of women in modern society, there’s at least eleventy thousand more who wish like all fuck that woman would SHUT HER DAMN PIEHOLE cause they’re trying to get laid. It’s a statistical fact that women are far hornier than most guys (according to me and I’m ALWAYS right)  and also happen to be more ruthless than most guys as well. Dudes, a bitch will CUT a bitch to get to a man, srsly. So ZF, your friend’s little “oh we have to be in a relationship for me to fuck you” translates to: “please stick it in my butt.” Trust me, I’ve read a lot of information (Hustler) about this and frankly, it seems that -as a rule- women are horny and want it in the butt.. sometimes with a banana, not that I understand what that’s about..

I really don’t know how I can do this anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to lie about the fact that my wife can’t sing. She LOVES karaoke and just can’t do it, but thinks she’s the next Cher or something. HELP ME!!!!!!!

- RT, Duluth

Well RT, I’m really surprised to hear that there’s some sort of thriving karaoke scene in, of all places, Duluth. But hey, guess when you’re in Duluth…

So your wife can’t sing. And you know what, it’s a damned shame… for her. RT, you have an obligation to let that just play itself out because, honestly, you’re probably the only one who gives a rat’s ass about her inability to sing. Unless she gets just ripped-off-her-ass-and-tonight-she-finally-decides-to-take-it-in-the-ass drunk, she probably KNOWS she couldn’t carry a tune even if it had handles and, again, doesn’t really give a crap. She’s up there to belt out some tune and have the whole bar staring at her during the process. Plus she knows that the folks applauding at the end are just being polite, but who cares.. they’re still clapping. Except for that creepy guy in the back. Yeah, he’s probably masturbating more than likely.. so I guess he’s clapping in his own special way? No clue there. Anyways, I’m on a tangent again (BIG surprise.. -ed).

So back on track. Yes RT, she doesn’t care and you shouldn’t either. After all, if you’re truly caring and allow her to go through with this, she might just reward you with some of the sweetest loving you’ll ever see. And that’s ALWAYS music to anyone’s ears eh?

Oh wait.. hang on. So then there’s this other idea. If she IS doing it while she IS ripped-off-her-ass-and-tonight-she-finally-decides-to-take-it-in-the-ass drunk. In that case, the advice is about the same really. The only real difference is that you have an obligation to take care of her when she eventually sobers up and realizes that masturbating-dude in the back got an impromptu lap dance from her when she decided to get jiggy with it and do “Sex Machine” by James Brown. You might want to go get some penicillin too. I mean, that dude? Seriously… fucking creepy.

Hello.

I do hope that this email finds you well. I wanted to write a brief note and let you know that I was absolutely apalled by your recent article on Hipsters. It’s tragic that you have to pick on people such as these simply because they have the compunction to dress differently than what I’m presuming you dress. These people are free-thinkers and risk-takers and will potentially be part of a new revolution in humanity. What have YOU done?

Ok. so the fact that you actually have a well.com address is adorable and all, but it really means jack-all to me. Sure, at some point there was a certain coolness to it and it was actually relevant. Now? Well, I’m pretty sure that *I* could get a Well address. Oh wait, if I pony up $7 a month, I can get one!

Now that I’ve ripped your credibility to little tiny pieces, let’s get on to your email.

You see, I make fun of people like hipsters (and gays, the religious, blacks, whites, women, men, disabled, differently abled, nerds, geeks, jocks, and anything with a pulse really) because it’s just plain fun and, honestly, people like it. Sure, I can be a bit mean and acerbic, but I take as good as I get. I mean, I publish the hate mail don’t I? Sure, I toss in the occasional love mail, but generally it’s the hate mail that gets prime featuring. Plus I do it on Monday, the one day that most folks can truly use a pick-me-up. See how nice I am? Awww. Yup, I’m just a cuddly little thang, ain’t I?

As far as hipsters being some sort of vanguards of humanity or whatever, no. Not a damn bit. They’re called “hipsters” because they chase after any fad that seems hot and potentially ironic at the time. They don’t think for themselves, it’s pure groupthink. So of course these people aren’t really going to be on the cutting edge of anything, yet somehow being on the idiot edge of everything. And a new revolution in humanity? The hell is THAT about? I really have no idea what you’re talking about. These are people who will pay $150 for a Nintendo t-shirt and $6 for a PBR tallboy. If they’re doing anything, it’s to set economics back about 100 years by having no damned clue what money really is. Honestly.

As far as what have I done? Well, you see this site right? Yup, my own two hands full o’ fingers and my big brain full of ideas. I’ve taken what was a funky little concept and bloomed it into a cottage industry while spending absolutely zilch on advertising. To be honest, I think that’s quite a feat. Granted, this is just a snarky-ass blog.. but hey, looks like some folks from The Well surf here and that’s gotta mean something…

My daughter’s getting ready to go on her first date. What do you recommend for holding on my lap while meeting this young man? I was thinking a shotgun, but that seems so cliche. Any ideas?

- RC, Little Rock

You know RC, these are the times that truly try mens’ souls. We can only imagine the difficulty of this decision. However, we’re pretty sure it’s not really all that complex.

The truth is, you want more than some weapon on you.. you want a damned army up there. It’s not enough anymore to threaten them on your own, kids are growing up on shit like Grand Theft Auto and Doom, so they aren’t scared of one guy sitting on a porch with a shotgun that, coincidentally, is ineffective at close range since it’ll likely get you as well. Nope, not gonna do much. Now, when the kid sees you and 14 of your closest friends with various weapons (shotgun, rifle, sword, “Dianetics,” pistols), that’s going to leave quite the impression on the youngster and let him know you mean business.

Of course, that’s just the start of it. Once junior’s off your porch, your dear daughter (lovely tho she is) will waste no time in calming him down and assuring him that you and your friends are just joking. And of course you and your friends ARE just joking around. However, your old army buddy, the trained sniper, really ISN’T joking around and there’s nothing to reinforce that to junior quite like walking down the street and seeing a little red dot zip up his leg, hover at his crotch, then make its way to his heart. It’s a small way of stating that, even though you’re not there, you’re still there… or somewhere within at least 1000 yards.

Now. It’s pretty fun to actually consider committing what amounts to assault, but there’s another option. And that’s maybe just trying to have some faith in your daughter. It’s not unreasonable to think that, just maybe, you managed to instill in her some good values and she knows what kinds of boys to date. Further, she probably also knows how to fight the guy off in case he decides that “no” means “well, one more beer.” Your daughter is at a crucial juncture. This is where she lets go for just long enough to try flying without a net and this is where you simply let her go. Yes, it’s difficult there pumpkin, but she’s gonna be just fine. So why not use this opportunity to kick back, relax, and realize that no matter how big an army of friends you have, you really can’t defend against a sperm that’s a total of 5 microns long.

Why yes, they do still sell chastity belts… (NSFW)

I just got done reading your terrible site. If anyone advertises on here, I’m going to boycott every one of them and tell all of my friends to do it too. No one should support you.

Oh my. A boycott? Against us? Wow. We don’t really know what to say. Aside from, you know, THANKS for the FREE PUBLICITY!

You see, dear idiot, boycotts rarely ever work. They really only seem to excel in giving the people that are being boycotted a SHIT TON of free publicity. And it’s great. Because people will invariably want to come see what the fuss is about, which typically ends up working out to about a 50/50 ratio of disgust to slobbering approval. And I can damn sure guarantee you that the slobbering fans will far outstrip the disgusted fans’ ability to spread the word. Despite what you hear about negative stuff travelling faster, the reality is that “omg this is sooooooo cool!” travels exponentially faster than “these people are just terrible.”

The simple reality here is that people will ALWAYS like sarcasm. Before we started the site, we were the people who would scour flamewars for hours looking for choice bits of smartass and sarcasm. It was like big-game hunting for us. And we always got this evil sense of satisfaction when someone laid out a point that just slammed the other person, leaving them with no real way to respond. It was enjoyable and made us always walk away with  smirk on our lips and tons of good quotes in our Notepad.

And that also gives us plenty of material to draw some of our best insults out of (what? you thought we were giving them away here? just gotta keep on comin back to read em!). We also regularly peruse forums like FARK and SA in order to glean new material. Who knew we were the ultimate recyclers?

So bring on the boycott. I’m sure the eventual advertisers would LOVE for their ad to be seen by as many people as possible. Plus it’ll give us damned good incentive to raise our rates! After all, that Bugatti Veyron won’t buy itself…

Hipsters. Kill. Enough said?

-RF, Peabody

Well RF.. first off, we get a lot of ragey mail from the Northeast. Seriously, are you people that angry cause of the snow? It makes no damned sense.

Secondly, how the hell does Massachusetts even have Hipsters? Aren’t you all more like summer camp for Guidos? Anywho, who cares. Let’s get down to your email.

Hipsters? No. No one likes them one goddamned bit. They’re strange, stupid, and probably one of the dumbest fads to come across in freaking eons. The last time a trend came across that was this monumentally stupid was… uhm. You know, this is probably the dumbest shit ever. EVER. And let’s just take a walk through Hipsterland and observe, shall we?

1) PBR: Seriously? You all actually think that this gives you some sort of “working man” credibility? No. In fact, HELL NO. Oh wait.. I think it’s supposed to be ironic, right? Ok. Fail.

2) Skinny Jeans: the fact that you all wear these and have no noticeable bulge up front pretty much tells me you’re girls with too much testosterone, or think that David Bowie is some sort of fashion figure. In either case, you’re idiots and really need to grow an actual penis.

3) Band Tshirt: I know, they’re very obscure and only 4 guys in Japan know about them… and you. So tell me, if you’re wearing their t-shirt, what makes them think that they even deserve to have a shirt? Did you buy it from them personally? No? That’s what I thought. Obscurity doesn’t automatically mean quality. Bands STAY obscure for a reason and it’s called “an utter lack of fucking talent.”

4)  Plastic Sunglasses: if they make Kanye look like a douche…..

5) Not bathing for a month: honestly, what in the hell makes you jackasses think that greasy hair is awesome. Honestly, I think this is a defense mechanism because you know that, were you clean, people wouldn’t hesitate to beat you into a pile of pink goo. But it’s ok, I’ve got my hands on a HazMat suit, so bring on your best, I won’t care.

6) Messenger bag: let me guess… pack of smokes (generic or imported generic)… Moleskine notebook (to keep track of LiveJournal, Xanga, Friendster passwords)… iPod loaded with absolute shit for music… random food objects… book of poetry that you really don’t understand anyways (Ginsberg would have you murdered if he were still alive). That about right? Got it. By the way.. Timbuk bag? Thought so.

7) ..

You know, I really don’t have the energy to do this. I’m actually reaching a mouth-foaming rage. So, in conclusion, Hipsters really do need to die. I know it’s a hardline stance to take, but it really is for the better. After all, because of those assholes PBR now runs me almost $8 a sixer.. you jackasses.

So……. my boyfriend has a lactating fetish. I really don’t know what to do about this. Any ideas?

- CA, Dallas

Well CA, it’s quite simply really. Your boyfriend is psychotic and needs to be shot.

Wait! No, I keed. The reality is your boyfriend isn’t all that bad and, frankly, could be a lot worse. I mean, try having  fetish for Mission style furniture. It’s terrible. But there is the fun aspect that comes from being able to do it “mission style with mission style.” Or something. Anyways, let’s move on.

So ideas? Well, we sure as hell won’t be taking milkshakes from you (it might bring the boys to the yard, but….). And we’re also probably going to be juuust a bit leery of, well, anything that has dairy products in it. It’s not that we don’t trust you, it’s just that we’re easily grossed out. Yes, even tho we occasionally watch tentacle porn. But that’s mostly for research in to Japanese culture we’re doing for a report for our Humanities class at the local JuCo. And yes, it’s required that we watch hundreds of hours of it. Education is tough folks. So in all seriousness, let’s put some info out there.

First off, unless you’re pregnant, this isn’t going to be easy. In fact, it’s likely going to be difficult because your body needs to be “trained” to produce milk at this point and that’s pretty damned hard to do from a hormonal standpoint. Unless your boyfriend just plans to tape some sort of pouch to your back and use some sort of tube-thing to lead to your nipple and, frankly, THAT is weird. However, we’re going to assume that you’re aiming for the ole-fashioned way and getting yourself to lactate.

Altho we should break in and advise that “lactate” is goddamn funny no matter who you are. Seriously. Just say it.. “lac tate” and you start the giggles.

Anyways. Now, since you’re inducing lactation, you’re likely going to be confusing the hell out of your body from a hormonal standpoint. That said, this can be overcome. The biggest problem you’ll have is the issue of excess estrogen since it can have a wild effect on your moods. Granted, it likely won’t be to the extent of what you’d go through during regular pregnancy, but it can certainly do a number on you, so do try to keep that in mind as you’re crying your damned eyes out over the latest chick flick and wondering why in the hell you agreed do to this in the first place (hint: you were horny and stupid, so was he.. but we digress). Now, one the estrogen does it’s job (basically, getting boobs ready to produce milk.. so fellas take note.. and this is how those “make your peen bigger” creams work.. so that’s why, when it goes back to normal size, you’re also a crying mess), a hormone called prolactin kicks in and starts actually creating the milk. Now, here’s where it gets tricky.

It’s not like the body just makes milk and stores it in cute little jugs distributed like marsupial pouches in the body.. it only makes it when needed, which means that your bf (or bff if she’s hot, we’re not judging) is going to have to pretty much keep up the “demand” aspect so you can supply. Yes, that means he’s gonna have his mouth locked onto your nip quite a bit. So, really, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, after a while anything sexy starts becoming annoying… unless you’re hot lesbians and that NEVER gets old.

So what to expect? Well, before you go off thinking that the kids are gonna start getting an extra treat on their Frosted Flakes, it’s going to take time to get the works going. So, at first, it’ll be a drop here, a drop there, and the unfortunate aspect of you being hormonally imbalanced, thus leading to you accidentally letting the world know via the poorly-chosen black shirt that you decided to wear that day. You laugh, it’ll happen. Not if, but when. Mark my words. So try to wear light-colored clothes for a bit, or double up on the bras (cleavage modifier bonus..).  Once you reach a fairly “normal” production cycle, you’ll notice it gets easier to produce. The only real problem you’ll have is that this probably isn’t as sexy as either of you are thinking.. but look at the bright side: if he gets you in the eye, you can give right back.

Now if you’ll pardon us, we have this sudden craving for Oreos….

I don’t know why you have to keep publishing this site. It’s terrible and just inspires people to be cruel to others. Why do you have to do this? Your writing seems so good, it’s a shame you can’t write about something better.

Well, it’s pretty obvious to even the most untrained eye. We write snarky crap because you people (and yes, I’m even including YOU on this list dear letter writer) just love it to no end. It’s what we’re good at, not to mention the fact that we’re also good at giving it to you all by the damned pound. So flame on dear Johnny/Joanna Letter. It’s responses like yours that tell us that we’re still going in the write direction. Notice that, “write” direction? Ha! We’re so clever!

As far as writing anything better.. really, why? Oh sure, we could try to be serious journalists and report on the news, or write artfully-crafted op/ed pieces that delve deep into the conscience of society, but we just figure that pounding out a few dick jokes here and there just makes things all the better. Besides, if we got all serious.. we’d probably scare our loyal readers and that’s no fun either. So tell ya what. We’ll do what we do best, you all keep your hate mail coming, and somewhere in the middle, we’ll all meet up for a hug and a beer. Sound good? Great. By the way, we only drink at strip clubs.

Support single moms!

Yes, we’re supposed to tell people about all of these great things we like: cooking, art, politics, discussing crap no one really cares about like Tiger Woods, etc. But the reality is that what you don’t like is actually what tells people more about you than anything else.

You see, hate (for lack of a more “appropo” term there) is a much more honest emotion because it triggers nearly-uncontrollable reactions in us. It makes us all mad and ragey and that’s a pretty serious thing. So when you admit that you don’t like something, you admit that it has the possible effect of annoying you and, as we all know well enough, annoyance is the first step towards mouth-foaming, red-eyed, let’s settle this on Jerry Springer rage. So if you go to enough lengths to articulate what you don’t like, you’re pretty much giving people an all-access pass to skip merrily through the garden of anger and pick out that red pepper of rage that will eventually be lodged right in your ass.

So how do you overcome this? Do you simply say “nothing bothers me?” No, that’s a retarded answer and, frankly, just an invitation for someone to try the most outlandish shit possible in order to get a reaction out of you. Is this more an issue of just trying to control your rage? Well, no. I mean, repressed rage pretty much lands people in clock towers with rifles and grudges. Oh sure, it’d be amusing to turn an entire square full of people into your own demented little shooting gallery, but a true Deviant realizes that things like the “Death Penalty” aren’t as cool as shows like “Law and Order” make them out to be. So, honestly, what’s left?

Learn. Get interested in everything. That way you have the distinct advantage of not being annoyed by stuff and the more distincter advantage of KNOWING about lots of stuff and that just means more bad-ass points because you can actually talk people down over their generally retarded crap. And, of course, we all know that a good Deviant is always looking out for themselves via crushing the minds and hearts of others just to look good. Yes, it’s cruel, but life is cruel too and you might as well get your damned shots in while you can right? Hell yeah I’m right.

The other trick here is that you have to not just start learning random crap and stuffing your head with knowledge. You need to have a plan here and that’s where we come in. Want to be a proper Deviant who can crush the life out of any pretentious jackass in conversation? Then get to know about the following topics:

1) Religion. Specifically, the Catholic church and it’s politics just prior to Martin Luther’s little tirade. Yes, please know who the hell Martin Luther is before you go “KING!” you slack-witted dolt.

2) Art. Specifically, Impressionist painters (Monet, etc). No one understands impressionism because people are too dumb to realize that most impressionists were half-blind from syphilis. Plus they think that it’s romantic. News flash:  it’s only romantic if you consider that half of that work was done while on the rough equivalent of LSD.

3) Music. Fuck the Beatles, you prefer Randy Newman. He’s a consistent hit machine who makes the same song, but does it in about 12,000 different ways. He’s the opposite of Will Ferrell in almost every single way possible.

4) Politics. Fuck every country on the planet. The EU is probably the most conversation-worthy collection of misfit countries you’ll ever come across. If someone talks about Russia, slap them and tell them Russia is just Germany with Communism and worse food.

5) Food and booze. This one’s tricky because you have to have a decent knowledge of the entire spectrum of food. Wanna go with a safe bet tho? Food: Italian… plain pasta with no sauce and a simple dressing of balsamic vinegar or olive oil and some crumbled cheese. Drink: gin. It’s one of the most diverse boozes you can get and it even plays well on its own.. and if anyone says the word “shot,” you’re welcome to actually shoot them for being uncultured swine.

And there you have it. From there you can add other little bits of knowledge to enhance that core base. Just remember that there’s a fine line between good taste and being a resolute prick being on finding the most obscure crap just because it’s obscure… like Tia Tequila.

Too soon?

I find it reprehensable that you all publish the criticism you get on your site. If you don’t like it, then just don’t publish it.

It’s amazing, really. It’s like you people just have some idiotic moral imperative to post in the hopes that we publish it. Like you. But hey, maybe you aren’t just hoping for cheap publicity (even though it’s just you who gets anything out of it since no one knows who you are). Maybe you’re being sincere. So you know what, let’s take a moment with this and introspect a little bit…

Why *do* we put them up? Well, maybe it’s because, deep down, we really do wish we could do a better job of giving advice. Oh sure, we call the site “Deviant Advice” and try to let people know that we’re just a humor-based website, but is that really all we are? Maybe we want more? Maybe it’s more that we want to expand beyond tapping out snarky columns daily for weeks on end. Maybe we want to get into serious advice? Solve some problems? Make the world a better place? Maybe even.. wait.. just got an email.

-30 minutes later-

So the last email was confirmation that we sold $125 worth of products in the now-closed Deviant Advice Cafe Press store and the person emailed stating they wanted to order more when we open our Spreadshirt shop. Plus we may have the opportunity to sponsor a cross-country rally trip. So uh.. Dear Letter Writer… blow us. We got work to do!

By the way… you spelled “reprehensible” wrong, dumbass.

So yes, it’s 2010. Feels good to be in a fresh, shiny, new decade doesn’t it? It sure does. And that also means that it’s time we sit down and had a talk with y’all about what’s happening around here. This is your opportunity to grab up a mug of whatever you like to drink during Very Serious Talks and gather round…

So what ARE we going to be doing this year? Well, we have an awful lot planned. First off, we’ll slowly be migrating a lot of information over to Deviant Industries since that’s now the official business and it handles all the affairs of the various sites beneath it (Deviant Advice, The Pervy Geek, and the forthcoming Corporate Rage and Ask A Mistress sites). What this means to most of you is that you’ll start seeing the name pop up more often and will occasionally be directed to there if you happen to have any questions (ie: if you’re a potential advertiser). And yes, you did notice how we cunningly slipped that in there…

In 2010, We are going to start selling ad space. We still haven’t figured out a pricing structure yet, but it’ll probably be pretty cheap and -hopefully- beneficial to folks. Now, we aren’t just going to take any ad and slap it up there and start annoying the hell out of our visitors. Advertisers have to meet certain criteria in order to have ad space, which means that the first round of ads are going to be at no cost since we want to use the first few folks as test subjects. Of course, that’s AFTER we design and test our own in-house system first. So don’t worry if you’re thinking about advertising with us.

In other potential revenue-generating streams, the CafePress store is being taken down in favor of a SpreadShirt store that will be re-launched at the start if second quarter (which, coincidentally, would be April 1). While the CafePress store is cool, the SpreadShirt store actually gives us a bit more with respect to design possibilities.

We’re also looking at start a subsite, the DeviantPedia. This is our own version of various ideas like WikiPedia, Urban Dictionary, etc. So far we’ve had some contact with readers in the Facebook group and have gotten generally warm reactions to this, but we’re still debating if it’s even worthwhile. We’ll eventually open this up to feedback on a greater level, so do keep an eye out for that.

And that’s about it for the “official” plans for 2010. So far we’ve managed to find a good rhythm in posting and in the variety of posts (advice requests, “rules for living” entries, and the usual assortment of hate mail) and are focused on keeping that going. We’re still looking to update daily throughout the week, but staying off on weekends. However, this will likely change as we go along since, well, keeping y’all coming back is pretty important to us.

So to all of you, please accept our sincerest thanks for all the help you gave us in 2009. It was a great year for Deviant Advice and we’re hoping that 2010 can be even better!

Does anything matter anyways?

- SR, Des Moines

Honestly SR. No. Nothing matters in any way, shape, or form. Life is nothing but a hollow experience perpetuated by a loathing god and populated entirely by people who only truly care about themselves and not the nihilistic hell that they’ve unleashed.

Not bad eh?

Actually SR, life kicks total ass and let me tell you why.

I’m alive. See? Things are already eleventy billion percent better. Ok, so you’re probably looking for something more significant. Ok, I think we can handle this one easily.

You see, SR, life is actually an amazing experience because it’s the relentless ebb and flow of the willfully stupid. These are people who, by their very design, keep us entertained because they absolutely refuse to believe the reality that surrounds them and, instead, think that they can somehow win against impossible odds. Granted, it’s adorable that they try, but the sadness soon kicks in when you realize that they are trying just because they absolutely MUST do this and are simply too delusional to realize that it won’t work. But hey, it’s funny as hell to watch. In fact, it’s even funnier when you encourage these poor saps. Oh sure, it’s mean and spiteful, but they’ve already set the bar pretty low, so it’s not like you really have to think about the morality of this moment. Just let your pleasure center take over and let ‘er rip.

Aside from the willfully stupid, there’s also the fact that life is good because, especially in the United States, everyone is somehow made equal despite the fact that some people don’t deserve to be equal at all. This is country that really doesn’t see the horrific idiocy of having a meal consisting of 1100 calories topped off with a large diet coke, so that’s also a constant source of amusement. The real trick here, SR,  is that you have to see the world a bit differently. If you begin assuming that the entire point of life is to amuse you, then it changes everything and makes it WAY more bearable. So the next time some existential crisis hits and you begin to wonder if life has purpose, just walk outside and wait.. you’ll be rewarded in more ways than you can ever begin to count.

Start with this dumbass…

We’re a young couple and have found that using the Wii as a tool for foreplay is a lot of fun. Sometimes I even play when she’s servicing me. Is this bad?

- RL and MM, Boise

Ok. So the Wii was invented in Japan. Along with shibari, hentai, tentacle porn, and dog-humping usb memory sticks. So, basically, you’re pretty much doing exactly what the sick bastards at Nintendo want you to do… which is pretty much take the innocence of youth and corrupt it in so many sick and twisted ways. Congrats my friends, you two are corporate tools!

No, it’s not quite like that. But it is close. You see, the Wii is one of those creations that transcends age and, to a degree, social standing as well. It’s an accessible device that is made for everyone. In fact, it’s probably a pretty safe bet that at least a few hundred Wii Fit boards have been broken by owners wondering just how much torque one of those things could take and, well, there you have it. Plus you’ll notice that the Wii also has swords available which.. you get the idea here.

So in all reality, it’d be more apalling if you DIDN’T somehow pervert this sweet and innocent toy. I mean, it’s the Japanese for the love of God and they simply live for this kind of thing. So this is not just about you fulfilling the destiny of a twisted Japanese toy maker.. this is also about making sure that Japan’s legacy of freakdom lives on forever.

Domo arigato!

Dear Sirs.

Your recent entry titled “UDK Her BFF” was completely irresponsible and morally devoid. How are you think that you can tell high school children how to have sex. And to imply that this young man could have a disgusting threesome is beyond reprehensible.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

You have a pretty valid point. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We should just be torn up with guilt and sorrow. In fact, we need to get to church. Can we come to yours? Do they have room for us all the way back there in the 1940’s?

Look. We’d like to imagine a world where the innocence of children lasts all the way through college and everyone marries their high-school sweetheart and live their lives out in blissful abandon with 2.5 kids and a great house in the burbs. Buuuuuut then we saw the movie “Kids” and were all “eff this” and gave up on humanity. Honestly, it’s made things much, much easier.

The reality is that kids are being sexual at younger and younger ages. It’s a sad reality, but there you have it. So when letters like that come across, our choices are to try and make sure the fella makes the swell choice and holds off until he’s married, or we can be realists and know that he’s going to try anyways, so we might as well ensure that his first experience is a positive one. After all, unfulfilling sexual escapades don’t benefit anyone and just create an endless loop where someone’s trying as many lovers as possible until they find something that either fits right, gets them paid, or gets them a horrible disease.. unless you’re Anna Nicole Smith, in which case you get all three.

What? Too soon? Anyways.

So to you dear Moral Mama, we salute you. We appreciate that you would much rather the world return to a much more pure standard of living that ultimately benefited everyone and helped ensure that our world was safer and happier. Of course, we’d also be happy with more puppies, kittens, rainbows, and unicorns too. But seeing as how we aren’t getting that shit anytime soon, we’ll be content with unusual porn, mind-altering hallucinogenics, and Harry Potter slashfic. Shut it, you know you too have wondered what’d happen if Hermione found an enchanted dildo and decided to see just how hard she could plow Weasley.

Wingardium Humpiosa!

Here at Deviant Advice, we wanted to take a day and wish you all the most joyous of seasons and for every one of you to get exactly what you’ve been wanting. We’re taking the day off from being snarky bastards in order to be gift-giving bastards and will be back next week with another installment of terrible wisdom, horrible advice, and some New Year’s resolutions (less dieting, more strippers). So have a very happy holiday and don’t forget that Santa’s already making his list for 2010, so best get on that “naughty” list as quick as possible so you get the GOOD gifts next year…

It’s true. It’s absolutely true. Oh sure, some churchy holier-than-thou types start mewling on that it’s a sin and it’s bad and blah blah blah. Look at those people. They’re lying. They only got to where they are because they envied the HELL out of other people, but decided to do something about it. And so, my friend, shall YOU.

You see, Envy is part of a one-two punch that consists of both Envy and Pride. Yeah, pride may goeth before a fall, but it also helps you absolutely ensure that someone else out there is coveting the HELL out of what you got and, by extension, motivating them to get theirs too. So see, it’s more like you’re doing folks a favor by being a Prideful Prick. And the only real path to that is straight up Envy Alley.

Envying someone is as old as time itself. When the first caveman created fire, you can sure as hell bet that some other caveman was already attempting to figure out a way to steal that fire and, in turn, torch the holy hell out of everything that first caveman owned. No, I’m not saying that the logical zenith of Envy is Murder, I’m simply saying that Envy has many dimensions and one of those just so happens to be aggravated manslaughter. Pretty? No, but effective? Absolutely. So that’s why it’s a great motivator. You’ll be consumed by wanting to get more than the person you envy and then you’ll be further motivated by wanting to destroy their very lives. While destruction IS certainly tempting, it’s so short-lived that you really just shouldn’t mess with it at all.  The flip side to the coin is to outdo them consistently, routinely, and very openly. Yes, this is where I suggest that you rub your constant victory in their face. After all, it’s what you want to do anyways.

And why shouldn’t you? Nothing says success like being able to point it out to other people at every possible opportunity. Yes, it’s a dick move, but I think that pretty much brings us full circle to our most recent rule. See people, these things DO tie together, it’s crazy, but it’s the truth.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we think the neighbor just pulled up in a new Lexus…

So I read your site and I’m still in high school. I really want to ask this popular girl out, but can’t. Help me! I’m not a nerd, but I’m not a jock either. I really want to date her, but I think she’s out of my league. You all seem to know what you’re doing. Please help because Prom is coming fast…

-CW, Chicago

Hey CW. Ah yes.. Prom. That magical time of year when we all celebrate the eventual departure from high school by renting a crappy tux, a shitty limo, going to restaurants we have no business being in, and then getting absolutely fucking HAMMERED, and ending out the evening puking in someone’s front lawn. Ahhh memories.

That said, Prom was pretty easy for me. I ended up taking a friend’s girlfriend since she used to go to our school and missed her friends. So I figured taking her made the most sense because I wanted to at least say I went to prom, she wanted to see her old friends, and there was the added bonus that she was hot as hell and I got to stand next to her. So even then the shallow nature of what would eventually become this site was present. So after getting everything arranged, I went and rented some tux,  and we went out to a fairly fancy-ish place that, honestly, over-charged for damn-near everything. The “date” was fun and we went to prom so she could say hi to her friends. It was ok, we were there for about 45 minutes, then we ran like hell and hung out with a friend till about 4am and had a blast.. no booze involved.

But CW this isn’t about us… this is about you and helping you to do the impossible.. hook up the popular chick.

First off.. we’re sure your mom has pulled out some sort of “she’s probably sitting by the phone, just waiting for someone to call” thing. You know what, Mom is lying. She’s not sitting by anything at the moment. She’s popular for a reason and that reason is probably the fact that she’s handing out blowjobs like there’s no tomorrow. So don’t go that “oh she’s a nice girl” route because she’s probably a vapid whore. You need an alternate way in. And that, my friend, is found in something called her BFF.

Not many people really consider that the BFF is a tactical advantage. They tend to see the BFF as the cockblock extraordinare. To a degree, they’re right. The BFF is there to ensure that no one gets to the girl without a struggle. So by going in for the BFF first, you can slip right by her and onto your intended target… and if you’re smooth enough, you can even get into threesome territory (but you’re in high school, so you don’t do the sexy-time yet right? right.). It’s a delicate act, but it’s something the pays off well. So that’s our advice to you CW.. hit up the BFF and win her over. After that, it’s smooth sailing.

Unless said BFF is actually a hardcore lesbian.. then you’re pretty much screwed and might as well spend Prom trying to hook up with the school slut since she’ll be in the parking lot ripped off her ass on cheap booze and taking all comers.

Hi Annie!!!

How DARE you? Sites like stormfront and others are just vile outlets of hate and anger. Racism is alive and well because of that site and people like you who refuse to think that racism is ok. I bet you even voted against Obama just because he’s black. Stupid redneck racist scum like you deserve to be shot before you breed.

Oh my. Well, aren’t we just a ray of sunshine? I guess this is that “tolerance” we hear so much about eh? Oh well, let’s have some fun with this email…

You see, we aren’t racist at all. In fact, we’re about as UNracist as someone can get. We pretty much have a generalized dislike for most everyone and find that there are so many other fun and exciting things to make fun of people about and see that race is WAY too easy a target. But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s fun to stir the race pot and see what comes up to the surface. This time, it just happened to be your letter.

And that’s the thing about us.. we’re equal opportunity jackasses around here. We’ll go after anyone: black, white, gay, straight, mexican, jewish, french, texan, no one is safe really. The thing is, everyone has something that makes them worth poking fun at because at the end of the day, humor is the one thing we all have left. So sure, we can pick on race sometimes. And about stormfront? Who cares. Sure, most of the people who take the site seriously probably ARE idiots, but it’s not a big deal unless they’re in power, then it becomes a problem. And I think that someone with connections to stormfront being in power would be obvious. So chill your idiot self out and just relax. The website isn’t outside at night trying to murder your children, or make you suddenly think that IceCube really has gone soft (seriously, have you seen the fucking movies he does? dear god). It’s just a site, you’re just a person, and we’re still the most evolved people you’ll ever meet. Mostly cause we voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black. Seriously. He could have come out onto the stage literally eating children while Biden was sodomizing a  nun and we’d have still voted for him just cause we wanted to be able to say “hey, I voted for the black dude!”

Now if you’ll excuse us, our fried chicken is burning…

So I was minding my own business and went into the den the other day. I really couldn’t believe what I saw there. It was my husband… and… he was trying to “c-walk.” What in the name of God do I do about this?

FYI, we’re black. So I guess it makes sense?

- XK, San Jose

Let me just make this very clear XK. Deviant Advice is white. Lily white. Seriously, we’re pasty. That said, this whole “c-walk” thing just fascinates the ever-loving crap out of us. And for those who have no clue what we’re talking about, let us present a video from whom many consider the master of the c-walk (Nate Dogg). So yeah, click that link and educate yourself if need be.

Ok. Now that you’re back and possibly confused as all hell, let me explain. Yes, the “c-walk” is a dance move originating out of southern California. Basically it started off by figuring out some way to spell “Crip” via foot movements in a dance routine. I know, those zany gangsters and their “repping” of their “set.” Well, like anything else hard-core gangster, it was quickly homogenized in the mid-90’s when kids from the suburbs were finally recognize as a viable source of income by record label execs and, suddenly, gangsta rap was everywhere. Now, you’ll notice in the letter that the walker in question just so happens to be black himself, so my obvious “wigger” column is pretty much DOA. So, how can we help XK?

Honestly. There is no help. XK’s husband has pretty much shown he wants to be hard… that or he’s practicing for one of the most disturbing talent shows in history. I really don’t know. So I’m going to assume he’s indulging some inner gangsta and try to offer appropriate advice.

So yes, XK.. there’s but one solution and that’s to pretty much dump his ass out in South Central and let’s see just how long he lasts. Now, I will be honest and say that I’m actually referring to South Central Milpitas. No offense, but he wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes in South Central LA. And not because South Central is that rough (I’ve been there, trust me, it’s not so bad), it’s just that someone would likely shoot him on general principle. So yes, why not run him out somewhere that the overall damage would be minimized by the fact that little to nothing actually happens in Milpitas anyways and, at most, he’d had to deal with an errant bum who would hassle him for spare change and/or a sandwich. Once he’s exposed to the mean streets, we’re pretty sure that his c-walking days will quickly become a thing of the past.

However, there’s also the idea that he won’t think it was so bad, decide to take bigger risks, and wind up in the REAL South Central, or -worse- recording with Ja Rule…

‘Sup dawg!!!

It really is that simple. People always talk about how confidence and arrogance are so closely related and, honestly, it’s not true at all.

Confidence says “I can do that. At least, I’m fairly sure I can.” Arrogance says “I just did that so goddamn well that people are likely going to write stories and sing songs about it..” You see how that works? Confidence is before the fact, arrogance is built on results. Sure, people are going to want to say “But really, arrogance just assumes you can do anything,” which is when you bring out the cold steel hammer of obviousness and repeat the first couple sentences of this paragraph. Then, when the person is stunned by your outstanding command of obvious logic, you simply walk way, leave a wake of awesome behind you.

See, the trick to life isn’t about how good you actually do, it’s how good you can convince people that you really are, without having to actually prove it. Yes, this means that life is pretty much just one huge collection of lies. There, I burst your truth cherry, so now you can go on with your life and lie harder than Bush Junior getting caught with an ounce of blow and a fifth of grain alcohol (or, if you’re the type, Bill Clinton in pretty much any situation). So yes, now you have one of the keys to life. And that’s the other part of this, arrogance is also the best tool in any bullshitter’s shed.

You see, the point here is to not just talk a big game, but to actually believe it. Oh sure, you’re gonna fall straight on your ass LOTS of times and look absolutely stupid doing it (and we’ll like it!).. but who cares? The truly arrogant will get up, announce that it’s part of the process, and do it again. Confident people will talk about it, analyze it, make scones or some crap, and then try it later. Honestly, who the hell has time for that? Life’s short, make that crap count right? Damn right.

So, dear reader, now is the time you venture forth and haul out the most arrogant statement you can and then make good on it. And why not take some time to tell us all about it? Remember, badadviceforgoodpeople@gmail.com is good for more than just hate mail, it can also handle your fail mail!

You all really don’t think that people should be kicked when they’re down? Your article about failure was just so mean-spirited. How would you feel if it were you? Or someone you cared about?

-RN, Cambridge

Oh RN, if only you knew. How would I feel if someone made fun of me if I failed? Well, it depends on what I was trying. Was I putting my heart and soul into something completely ignorant and then failed? Well, I’m pretty sure I’d laugh m ass off too. If it were someone I cared about? Hell yeah I’d laugh.. and then I’d help them up. You see RN, you’ve made the critical error of assuming life is black-and-white, forgetting that there’s a MASSIVE field of gray out there to play around in. And that’s right where our recent “Rules For Living” post is coming from.

See RN, failure IS funny.. but only for a short time. Sure, we like to laugh at idiots, but we also want to help. So yes, even if you’re a family member, we’re still going to laugh our asses off at you when you screw up so bad that you want to crawl into a hole and die. But then, we’re going to help you recover and, hopefully, do better next time. It’s an easy truth RN.. the more you love something, the more willing you have to be to utterly destroy it. In fact, it was our first rule.. So there you have it RN. It’s not that we’re uncaring monsters, we just understand life’s vicious cycle. Oh sure, we could probably be a bit more caring and sympathetic, but someone has to be the bastard and, honestly, it might as well be us right? Of course!

Now, if you’ll pardon us, we think something’s happening with Tiger Woods lately…

I was looking for a website I visited a while back and happened to come across en entry for StormFront, the racist website. I never go, so can only assume it’s my husband. What do I do? I can’t be married to a racist!

-AJ, Narragansett

Honestly AJ, this could be a pretty scary thing to deal with. However, we’re pretty sure it’s no big deal. You see, everyone’s racist.

Don’t believe me? That’s fine. But the reality is that we’re right about this one. While it’d be great to imagine a world where racial differences didn’t exist at all, we’re realists here and can pretty much tell you that this won’t ever be possible. Now, before our hatemail folks go apeshit sending us gigs of “omg u r racist jerks plzdiethx” emails, let us explain.. and we’ll try to refrain from using big words and concepts so that we don’t confuse you. For the more educated people reading this, sorry that we have to dumb this down a bit for the idiots.

People are funny creatures like that. Most people tend to prefer the company of similar individuals. It’s familiar and it’s comforting, which is what we’re basically programmed to look out for. So, by a strict definition of the word, we’re all racist to some degree. The problem comes when people take that preference and decide that it needs to form the basis of an entire philosophy. Suddenly you have people who were once looking for some familiarity deciding that things HAVE to be the same, or else their entire universe just descends into absolute chaos. And, rather nicely, that brings us to the issue of StormFront and the other issue of this wacky “free thought” thing.

Don’t get us wrong. Actually practicing racism is incredibly stupid. With all the variances in humanity to make fun of or base pointless-hatred off of, why pick something so easy as race? Sure, it’s low-hanging fruit and all.. but come on people, let’s use some imagination here. Anyways, back to StormFront. We’ve been on the site a few times and, aside from the usual assortment of idiots who have absolutely no goddamn clue of what they’re doing, it’s mostly folks who are venting frustrations in a forum that will welcome their venting. And that’s the key part of it, that a lot of it IS venting. Most people who go there probably would never actually discriminate against anyone, they’re just tired of racial politics. Similarly, folks who go to black-power and other assorted sites to vent on the honkeys are also in the same boat. They’re angry and frustrated and want to vent. Are any of these people going to go out and actively lynch someone of an opposing race? No, not really. So sites like StormFront, while sometimes scary, are typically just convenient outlets for folks to go and indulge in both random hatred and lulzy goodness.

You see, that’s the other side of most racial-supremacy sites. There’s comedy GOLD in them thar hills. Sure, some of the posts that seem to take things to an illogical extreme just HAVE to be people intentionally fucking around, but the others are actual people and it’s just damned amusing to watch. It’s comical that people will find something racial in damned-near anything out there and then proceed to burst a blood vessel over it. To be honest, we’re usually tempted to troll the boards ourselves, but that’s pretty much like fishing with dynamite.

So, AJ.. we really wouldn’t worry about hubby’s potential racist tendencies. Chances are, he’s probably just there out of sheer curiosity since racial sites like StormFront are still controversial and interesting because of the controversy. The likelihood of him donning a Klansman outfit and go charging off into the Rhode Island night to lynch a black guy is pretty much at zero.. especially since we’re pretty sure that there aren’t any black people in Rhode Island anyways.

So. I’m flunking out of college. I know I probably should feel bad about this, but I really don’t. I’m not really into college and am honestly just happier taking odd jobs to get by. Is this so bad?

-GF, Boulder

Well GR, be advised that none of us here at Deviant Advice have anything higher than a high school education with only a little bit of college. And look how far we’ve come! Well, ok, so it’s not the most shining example, but you see where we’re headed with this.

Life is tough. It can be a brutal situation that absolutely beats you down and leaves you broken, bloodied, and with an emptied wallet. So finding things that make you happy is of critical importance. For some folks, this is found in earning a degree. For other folks, it’s about being a fry-cook at the local greasy spoon. So the trick here is to figure out what is going to make you happy and then latch onto it. However, it’s likely that this decision is not that simple.

If your parents are paying for this, then you have an obligation to at least finish the current year with decent grades (you’re gonna have to invest your whole ass here, so try for  a B and not a C, ok?). Otherwise, you may have to consider finding a way to pay them back (odd jobs won’t be a help here). Now, if you have a student loan, then you’re only beholden to the government and are free to tell them to take a flying leap. Granted, paying back a fed student loan isn’t easy, but it’s a helluva lot easier than trying to pay back your parents.

Of course, there’s the alternative of just sucking it up and sticking through college. I mean, have you thought about this? College offers wonderful opportunities: keg parties, anonymous sex, getting paid to “study abroad,” and many many other opportunities are afforded you in college that you’ll never ever have anywhere else. So why not take advantage of them? After all, being educated means being well-rounded and what’s more well-rounded than a 3.75 GPA coupled with the ability to do a 10-minute keg stand?

I’m a relentless workplace gossip. Does this make me a bitch?

- RM,  Johannesburg

First off RM, let me just say DAMN for coming all the way in from South Africa. Because of you, Deviant Advice is now a global phenomenon. Go on with yo bad self!

Secondly. Does this make you a bitch? It sure as hell does! And that’s a VERY good thing. You see, in any organization there is but one source of power and that’s information. Whoever controls information, ultimately controls the organization. Furthermore, gossip is the ultimate expression of that info because it tends to border close on absolute truth. Plus it moves faster than actual corporate communication. So, typically, gossip is a company’s best Early Warning System for upcoming changes, good or bad.

So by being what essentially amounts to an information broker, you increase your power within the organization. Granted, that rarely ever translates to any sort of financial windfall… unless you’re smart about it.

Documentation is your friend. All the insane, stupid crap your executives do, keep notes. I’ve known lots of people (all VERY Deviant) who kept meticulous notes on all the wrong-doings of a company. When they decided to leave, they managed to get a pretty nice golden parachute out of the deal because they were gossips with a penchant for documentation. We HIGHLY advise that you get into this practice because, in the end, the only person looking out for you is YOU.

And by the way.. we have your IP address and initials…. just sayin.

Let’s be honest here. Part of trying to support the vision and goals of those around you is realizing that there’s a possibility of them utterly failing. Now, of course we want our friends to succeed, but sometimes it’s more satisfying to watch them just fall flat on their faces.

Yes, this is pretty much about the German concept of schadenfreude.  However, it’s much more than what we realize. It actually goes as far back as gladiatorial times. We appreciate a winner, but goddam how we LOVE a loser. We can relate and also elevate ourselves above the poor son-of-a-bitch who just got eviscerated by some hulking brute at least three times his size. It’s unfair, sure, but who cares.. again, we aren’t THAT guy. We’re safe in the stands while he bleeds out and is ultimately fed to the lions.

Now, there are some people who think we should be above this. Honestly, we couldn’t agree less. Of course we disagree, christ, this is DEVIANT ADVICE. But here’s the deal, we don’t like REPEAT losers. Sure, failing once is nice.. but after a while, it just begins to reek of sad desperation. So there is a limit to just how much fail we can take from one person. The irony, of course, is that we can handle an endless amount of fail from numerous people, even all at once. In fact, sometimes people fail in such numbers that it’s hard not to just drop to your knees and thank God for the delicious buffail that you were just given.

So to a deviant, what does this mean? Simple, what you call “cruel” is actually a psychological device that helps you cope with the fact that life is indeed tough, but it could be WAY worse. So what you’re actually doing is just ensuring that you make it through this difficult passage we call life. Self-preservation is a critical instinct for any deviant and that instinct takes lots of work to hone.  So the next time someone accuses you of being hard-hearted, just look em in the eye, smile, and remind them that their tears will be the most delicious of all.

My son is 9 and is autistic. My wife says that he’s just hyper and autism is like add and just a fake diagnosis. I don’t know how to convince her that my son’s normal, just slightly different. I read your site a lot and just thought I’d take a chance and see. Thanks.

GR, Lansing

You know what GR, you’ve managed to hit on a topic near and dear to our hearts here at Deviant Advice. And yes, we DO have hearts (I know.. you keep it in a jar on your desk.. creepy…. -ed). You see GR, what your son has is very real. It’s very serious. And it needs to be put out there. GR. Your son kicks ass.

Oh? Thought we’d be trolling out some downtrodden story about misunderstood youth? Figured we’d talk about the poor, misunderstood kid at the back of the classroom? Screw that. Your son is pretty much normal, he just requires a little more maintenance and will likely produce a specific kind of awesome, as opposed to many kinds of acceptability. So yeah, don’t think of your kid as having some crazy condition that most people (wrongly) think gets thrown about in the doctor’s office to justify not having to parent. It’s very real, but it’s very ok as well.

There was a recent article in Wired magazine (we’re nerds, yo) about how recruiting Autistic folks made sense from a business standpoint. Well of course it does, these folks focus on things in incredible detail and can go so far as to crank out incredibly detailed projects on a reliable basis. How in the hell is that any sort of bad thing? And like was mentioned earlier, an Autistic kid really isn’t THAT much different than anyone else. They laugh, run, play, make incredibly stupid decisions, pee their pants, and eat mud just like any other kid does.. except that they’ll likely do it efficiently, or 27 times an hour. Either way, there’s really nothing happening in your kid’s noggin that justifies your wife’s concerns. And yes, she IS concerned. Carrying around the ole A is a pretty scary thing.. but with a little time and a little patience, it won’t matter much at all.

So in all reality GR.. your kid has Autism… and he’s totally kickin it’s ass!

BTW: if you need a community of folks? We here at Deviant Advice can’t recommend the good folks over at Autism Spot enough. It’s a great site and a great resource. You owe it to yourself, your wife, and your kid (most importantly) to go check it out and read up on just why this “disease” is actually nature’s way of saying “nono.. you get an edge, now go have fun and try not to embarass the normal folk.”

You all should know by now that some people are reaching out to you for real advice. And I know you say you’re a humor site, but have you considered that you owe some of these people something better? Life isn’t always jokes about your dick.

My name’s Alexander and I live in Cambridge

Well Alex, you raise an awfully damned good question and we think you deserve an equally good answer.

Frankly, No. It’s not up to us at all. We pretty much let everyone know that we’re a humor site, so it’s not like we’re hoping people write in with heavy-duty emotional issues so we can screw with them. The fact is we DO provide a valuable service because some people can only deal with the soul-crushing disappointment that their lives are through humor. People “laugh in the face of tragedy” because the fight-or-flight response has kicked in and they’re laughing from an excess of adrenals, which the body helps keep up via laughter. So what we actually do is to help people take even a momentary break from their crazy lives and help reach some sort of contentment so that they can finally deal with that is happening around them. And if that’s not taking responsibility, then I dunno what is.

So, my boyfriend does this thing when we kiss or have sex. He keeps his eyes open. How fucking creepy is that shit?

- GN, Far Rockaway

You know GN, we can sympathize with you. That is, indeed, goddamn creepy. Honestly, who does that? Who keeps their eyes open during sex? Kissing? Well, ok.. sure.. odd, but dealable. But sex? To tell you the truth GN, this man is an absolute travesty to manness and he needs to turn in his penis… now.

Sex is a glorious activity, of course. Hell, we like to bed Misses Deviant Advice on occasion. It’s fun, it’s healthy, and -done right- usually doesn’t end with an out-of-court settlement and non-disclosure agreement. However, a critical part of gettin’ it on (excuse me? -ed) *sigh* fine… A critical part of MAKING LOVE (thank you -ed) involves closing your eyes and fantasizing that you actively having sex with anyone BUT the person you are actually having sex with. Ladies, it’s not you.. it’s us. We’re men. We’re visual creatures. Specifically, we’re visual creatures who need to visualize two women wrestling topless in a kiddie-pool filled with either coleslaw or baked beans. It’s almost a moral imperative. Why? Who knows. We don’t question these things, we just let nature take its course, helpless but to follow along.

So if this guy is actually keeping his eyes open, he’s run out his imagination and is, in all likelihood, hoping that two women DO actually bust down the door and proceed to settle their grudge in the only appropriate way. So being that his imagination is dead, it’s only a matter of time before his soul follows. But good news GN, because this CAN be helped.

All you need is one hot friend, a kiddie pool…

Do you not understand that polygamy is a sin? Why are you sitting there telling people it’s ok to marry as many people as they want? It’s a SIN in the eyes of THE LORD and you are not doing the lord’s work. You should take your disgusting web site down.

Wow. You know, it constantly amazes us when people send us this sort-of thing. You would think that the site name being “Deviant Advice” would be a pretty big tip-off that we’re probably not out there discussing the merits of a chaste lifestyle and the excitement of finding some dude who can make water into wine. Nonetheless, we get at least 4 or 5 of these emails a week. Granted, it can be annoying.. but we more see it as a laughable situation. After all, nothing is more amusing than someone who is so devoted to their belief that they ignore everything around them in order to focus on spreading that belief to others. And it’s not just our fun Christian friends other. We get all manner of folks emailing us about this site: Christians, lawyers, doctors, teachers, and -inexplicably- a farmer have all taken turns emailing us and letting us know just how bad we’re destroying humanity. No clue why, but they do and we get a laugh. So there ya go.

While we are sure that we’re somewhat responsible for further-hastening the moral decline of society as a whole, we’re pretty sure that it’s going to take WAY more than an article about polygamy to push things over the edge and send us all spiraling down into a depraved hell of rock music and anonymous sex. That said, if it does, then we’d just like to say “You’re welcome” to those that will actually enjoy it and also that you jackasses owe us.. BIG.

So anywho… it’s the holidays. Yes, that magical time of year when people put aside their personal differences long enough to bludgeon their fellow man to death in the aisle of a Toys-R-Us just so they can get the latest “gotta have it” toy for their spoiled-rotten children who will invariably discard said after about 30 minutes. Of course, not all people take the same view of the holidays as we do here at the Deviant Advice offices (drunk -ed). Some folks see this time of year as stressful and even saddening. Well, cheer up my friend. We here at Deviant Advice are proud to present our guide to surviving the holidays with your sanity, emotions, maybe even your liver, relatively intact…

If you are alone

Let’s face facts.. the holidays are about family and, if you’re alone, it’s just a painful reminder that you have no family. Maybe they’re far away. Maybe they’re all passed away. Maybe there’s some deep-seated strife in your family that no one can move on from. Either way, you’re alone and that just sucks. However, it can also be an epic win if you make all the right moves. You see, you can use your “me so lonely” shtick to your advantage to score meals, gifts, maybe even drunken holiday sex from that hotty down the street you’ve had your eye on for months. Nothing quite brings out the generous skank in all of us like the combination of holidays, cheap booze, and that poor friend who has to spend this time alone. So while most people are convinced you’re at home, suffering in silence, you could actually be out getting laid more than Hugh Hefner at a Viagra convention. So don’t be afraid to use this time to your advantage. Just remember… do NOT get greedy. This means you are limited to one (1) threesome and that’s it. Try to aim that sucker for New Year’s Eve tho, when the pickins (and booze) are at their highest.

If you just hate the holidays:

And we mean HATE. As in, the sound of childrens’ laughter actually causes you physical pain. Well, there is but one solution my friend… drag everyone down with you. It’s not enough to suffer alone in this capitalist-induced holiday shopping spree, but you also have to endure everyone wishing you happy this, or merry that. It’s annoying and it’s got to stop. But how to do it? Two words: Mall. Santa. You see, children are an especially innocent creature. Anyone taller then them is typically given absolute leeway in the trust department. So what you say becomes law. So why not lay down some Holiday Justice by informing those insufferable brats that Santa is, in deed, completely fake. No, he’s not “hiring extra friends to work at the mall,” he’s an absolute fraud. Think about it kid.. this man can supposedly rocket his fat ass around the globe in a 24-hour period, stopping to drop off toys, eat cookies, and -in my household- bang your mom like a screen door in a tornado.. yet he can’t seem to figure out how to get his fat ass to exist simultaneously in all the malls at the same time? Right. Christmas Magic? The only “magic” here is the fact that daddy kept it up long enough to produce you.. mommy’s “unexpected gift.” Sorry kid.. life sucks, wear a helmet.

If you’re Jewish:

You get 11 days of gift-giving. Shut up, I don’t even want to deal with you.

If you believe the holidays are all about shopping:

Congratulations. You figured out what makes the holidays really tick. You se, the holidays used to be about spending time with family, counting your blessings (or whatever it is that Atheists and other heathens count), enjoying a nice meal, and maybe fake-smiling your way through yet another goddamn sweater that your grandmother knitted out of what has to be a mixture of steel wool and razor-wire. However, at some point, the holidays became about piles of loot. Then it was about the cost of said pile of loot. Now it’s about whoever can survive the Lord Of The Flies reenactment lovingly known as “Black Friday” and come out with the coolest toy. And it’s not just about children anymore. Adults shopping for each other are just as bad. Granted, it’s not the blood-thirsty combat that you’ll see in the toy section, but watching two 45-year old harpies go to war over a package of mismatched Argyle socks is just as soul-killing. Unless they’re hot.. in which case you better run your ass over to wherever they keep the baby oil and let nature take it’s sweet, loving course.

So that pretty much covers most every holiday situation out there. Now if you’ll pardon us, we have to start planning the official Deviant Advice office Christmas party… which mostly consists of strip clubs, watered-down drinks, and ruining the dreams of young girls one sordid dollar bill at a time. Fa la la la ooo lala…

We’d like to, but we aren’t. So let’s do this list DA style…

• We’re thankful that movies like “New Moon” continue to be made, ensuring we have an endless supply of people to make fun of by viciously murdering their interests.
• We’re thankful that Perez Hilton is still alive and entirely too goddam funny.
• We’re thankful that the Tucker Max movie was barely in theaters long enough to finish it’s first showing. While we love Tucker to death, making a movie of that site is pretty much criminal. Stick to books, it’s much easier when you aren’t catering to the lowest common denominator.
• We’re thankful that your mom finally stopped calling us.
• We’re thankful that people like Rob Dyrdek exist and will, hopefully, dump 55-gallon drum of $100 bills on us.
• We’re thankful we have a store and that Christmas is coming up. HINT HINT.
• We’re thankful for our Facebook fans.
• Mostly, we’re thankful to our loyal readers and subscribers. Without you all, this site would be a pointless waste of precious resources that could be better used in finding a cure for cancer, AIDS, or launching Kate Gosselin directly into the sun. Seriously, we hate that bitch. As a reward to you all, we’re embracing a spirit of generosity and allowing you all to purchase merchandise with our fantastic logo on it. You’re welcome.

We’ll be back on Friday with another fan-damn-tastic article. So if you manage to avoid being trampled by some 400 pound woman desperate to save $12 off that stupid “Firefly” gift set, stop on by for some post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas, and whatever-the-hell-it-is-in-relation-to-chanukah cheer.

Gobble gobble!

ps: did we mention the store yet? we have one, you know.

• “I agree. WTF is up with sparkling vampires and shit? GAY”
• “I think that the entire Twilight Series should be burned and then cast into the sun.”
• “My mom loves this movie series. I think my mom is secretly telling me she likes gay porn.”
• “Bella – nudity = FAIL”
• “TwiGAY.”
• “Why didn’t they just call it Fail Moon?”

Of course, you all aren’t here to read about how everyone agrees with you, you’re here for the hate.. so let’s dig into the bag and pull out our favorite…

From: XXX@msn.com
To: badadviceforgoodpeople@gmail.com
Subject: why the TwiHATE LOLOL

Dear Deviant Advice People..

Why do you hate New Moon so mcuh? It’s the best movie ever and it’s rly romantic. Just because you don’t understand the relationship between Edward and Bella (I’m team EDward LOL) doesn’t men you gotta hate on the movie. What if you had a daughter and she wanted to see it? Would you let her? Or would you tell her “No, I don’t lik romance, you can’t go?” I wanna know.

Not Tell U Where I Live

You know what. I don’t even know where to start here. Based on the horrendous grammar, I’m going to guess you’re either 14 (and where the hell are your parents that they let you read this site?), or you’re some mentally-challenged suburban housewife. Granted, I don’t want to rip into a 14-year old, so let’s assume you’re some suburban housewife…

If I had a daughter, I would absolutely LET her go. Why not? As long as she’s of age for the movie, it’s her call. Would I mock her mercilessly for it? Damn right I would. The Deviant Advice household is NOT a kind place. But that also means that my daughter can give me a copious amount of crap for the retarded stuff that I like (come on people.. comic books, WoW, do the math here). This is because we understand that, sometime, love is pain. That’s really all there is to it.

Now, let’s focus on YOU dear letter-writer. As a probable suburbanite mom, you HAVE to be honest here and say that you can’t possibly like this story on any meaningful scale. This movie is likely helping you either rebuild some sort of horrific relationship with your daughter, or else you’re hoping to get in on the ground floor of some Edward/Jacob slashfic since you likely missed the boat with all the Harry Potter/Malfoy/Weasley/Snape/Hagrid(seriously) combos that are out there. It’s ok and perfectly understandable. I won’t hold it against you, but I will ridicule you mercilessly because you can’t be honest about your intentions.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just found a sweet deal on ebay on a cardboard cutout of Princess Leia in that slave getup..

*** WARNING: SPOILERS! Yes, I tell you that you will waste your life watching this movie…***

Ok. So the story continues on from the first movie. Bella is still too stupid to understand that dating the undead is a bad idea and she’s been savaged by a vampire attack. She’s recovering -and attempting to further justify her inability to date within her species- and trying to make sense of it all (DRAMA!) when Edward decides to go full emo and leaves town in order to protect this girl. So, clearly, Edward has forgotten the number one vampire rule, namely that humans are food sources and should be kept close. Despite the well-done series “True Blood,” the reality is that vamps need blood and a willing host is way better than trying to assuage your sense of personal guilt by just feeding on really bad people. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, emo gay vampire leaves town.

So Bella gets sad, then realizes that -zomg- if she’s in danger then Edward somehow reaches out from beyond and saves her. Ever the brave little idiot, Bella figures that getting into more and more dangerous adventures is a good way to get Eddie back within range of her, so proceeds to start doing the stupidest shit imaginable, including actually being in this movie in the first place.

Soon after, Bella starts to sort-of fall for this Jacob kid who tries to White Knight his way into Bella’s heart and pants. Since the reality is that this never works (NEVAR!), all that this kid manages to do is help her fix up some crappy bike and then send her off to almost certain death in the great wide world… well, as certain as death is in a world where the undead sparkle… the fuck. So yeah, good job asshole. If you can’t have her, let’s just see if we can get her killed. Christ, this kid’s probably got a ragey LJ that would absolutely implode under it’s own ironic weight. Where was I? oh yeah.

So then Bella goes off into the world and then bumps into some really pissed of person from her past who decides to try and settle the score. But rather than have her sparkly lover come back to save her, she’s instead rescued by a pack of wolves that has some sort of tie to some mystical society that, frankly, no one will care about since the ability to paint THAT into slashfic would be a bit too much by even their standards.  The real lesson learned here is that you might as well try to love the nerdy guy anyways, because he has the ability to summon people who could morph into a pack of slobbering canines, hell bent on eating you like a snack. Do. Not. FUCK. With. Nerds… bitch.

So yeah. That’s basically it. This entire movie is pretty much about most every blogger’s high school experience. And yes, I am including random humans who sparkle in the daylight and werewolves. I went to high school in Oklahoma, it’s a strange place. So here’s the deal. Should you see this movie? Well, if you have an incredible amount of hate for confused Mormon authors who are trying to keep the spirit of pedophilia alive, then you might as well just download some cheap-ass camjob version of the movie and save yourself the $7 and untold shame in actually admitting you saw this. If you’re a 14-year old girl who thinks that romance actually works this way? Go for it. And if you are 14, why are you reading this site? Good god, someone tell your parents.

If youre some 40-year old suburban housewife who longs to escape to your youth through these movies, just grow up and admit that you’re here entirely for the Edward/Jacob gay slashfic. Really, there’s no shame in it. Het women dig gay sex just like Het men like seeing two chicks together. Go head, it’s ok. Besides, it’s gotta be better than half that weak-ass Harry Potter fic out there…

- MR, Raleigh

You know MR, love is a fickle creature. She comes to you at awkward moments, confuses the hell out of you, and leaves just as suddenly. Yet, as a species, us hoomans are forever bound in our quest for her. And then there’s the constant piece of advice:

If you love something, set it free. But only if you’re absolutely 100% positive that it’s actually not just leaving so that it can go down the street and fuck that Puerto Rican guy with the ripped abs and that great hair. Goddam that pinche idiota vete a la mierda!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, I may be paraphrasing ever-so-slightly. Anywho, this isn’t about you losing the love of your life to some Lucha Libre punk, this is about gettin it on… line.

You see MR, people argue constantly over where sin occurs. Is it in thinking? Is it in doing? Truth be told, who cares. It’s really only a sin if you get caught, amirite? Of course I am. Now… as to it meaning more? Well, that’s not quite so easy to figure out. Being online is less about physical interaction and more about mental interaction. Of course, anyone who knows anything about sex knows that the brain is the most sexual organ on the body. And I know it’s true, cause my buddy The Pervy Geek said so (it’s totally true.. TPG HEY! don’t bogart my parentheses you jerk.. ED). So when you’re interacting purely on a mental level, it’s going to be different. However, there is a subtlety here.

Is this just talk? Or is this SEXY TALK? Because there IS a rather huge difference here. If you two are having emotional discussions about life, love, and anything else that would actually make eHarmony ads looks like ads for an S/M brothel (note to self… ED It won’t work. -TPG), then it’s hard to deny the fact that real connections are being made. However, if most of your conversation centers around stuff like “I totally put my thing in your thing,” then you’re just writing really shitty amateur porn and should probably be shot before you actually breed. Netsex is almost as dumb as.. well… honestly, it’s just retarded, so stop it. And then come to realize that the only “connection” you have is your hand to your groin. Knock it off.

So I guess the real advice here is to just keep on talking to this guy and hope for the best. The reality is that you two will utterly bore the crap out of each other once you do meet.

And Osvaldo…Yo le asesinaré y su familia entera de pollos… POLLOS!!!!

Why is everyone laughing?

Seriously. I love this site and can’t get enough of it. Thanks for updating more. I can’t wait to see what else you all are putting out next! My name’s Jeff and I talk about your site to everyone I can here in Atlanta. Keep up the good work!

Jeff

Yes dear readers, I decided to make it another Love Mail Monday. While the hate mail always gives me lots of fun, I figure that showing off some of the love we get around here. Thanks for taking the time to give us some love Jeff. In fact, as a means to say “Thanks,” we’re sending you your choice of item out of our Cafe Press store! Yes folks, that’s right, you can now support Deviant Advice by buying something from out store over at Cafe Press. Go now and buy buy buy! Remember that the holidays are coming up! Shop early and often! SHOP!

My gf says that I watch anime too much. I don’t think so. I think anime is awesome and she just doesn’t get it. How can I show her how kawaii it is and get her to understand?

- JT, Brooklyn

Oh JT.. dear JT. You know what.. why don’t you just leave this column right now. I can guarantee you that this won’t end well. Go on, go find something else to read.

They gone?

Ok, good. So here’s the deal about JT. JT’s a fucking moron. Anime is stupid and anyone who devotes large chunks of their lives to this crap doesn’t have a girlfriend at all. In fact, it’s likely that he’s alone in his basement, fapping madly to tentacle porn while waxing about how great Japan really is. The reality here is that he doesn’t know the first goddam thing about Japan. Most of his Japanese knowledge comes from random shit he reads on the Internet, the World History class he took in junior high school, and by making associations via crappy anime.

I’m sure he’ll go on at length, defending Japan and her mysterious ways. The reality is that most of what he thinks is Japanese is likely Korean (yes, Korea is Japan’s Mexico). He doesn’t know this, of course, because he believes that every single one of the over eleventy billion anime titles coming out of Japan every year are genuine. Additionally, he probably considers them to be both culturally relevant and important. Anime is neither. It’s Japan’s version of Britney Spears. Please don’t tell him this as it will tear his heart into a thousand pieces and, frankly, his LiveJournal will likely become a shrine to his now-dead soul.

The reality here is that JT actually wants his “girlfriend” to watch Hentai, not anime. JT’s a fucking weaboo.

anata wa onani o shimasuka!

Why is polygamy looked down on? Personally, I think it’s ok. If 5 people want to get married, why not let it happen?

- SF, Butte

Well first off, SF, let me show my shock and amazement at you NOT being from Utah. Altho being from Montana doesn’t surprise us all that much. But anyways, you have a request for advice and we’re here to help.

Polygamy? Why not? If 4 women want to marry the same guy, why shouldn’t they be allowed to? Similarly, if 4 guys want to marry some chick, then we’re all for it. you see, SF, it’s pretty damn simple.. marriage is stupid and group stupidity makes things SO much easier.

Sure, you probably though we were going to make some sort of sexy-time joke, but no. If you think that sex requires marriage. then you have issues with morality that, frankly, we just aren’t that burdened with (aren’t “morals” those things on the ceilings of churches? -ed). No, this is about the stupid idea of group marriage.

Marriage really should be between just two folks: one man, one woman, two men, two women, a man and a horse, a chick and a duck, whatever. Just so long as the average number of folks in the marriage is 2 and no more. Are we Puritan here at Deviant Advice? Nope, well except for those times we make Misses Deviant Advice dress up as an Indian and we give her the smallpox (“small” being operative -ed)… nono, we’re more about legal simplicity. We really don’t care about how marriage is ultimately defined with respect to sex and gender (something you nitwits in California and -recently- Maine would do well to divest your dumb-asses of), we just care that it’s kept to an easy 1:1 ratio. Legally, having other partners totally fucks up the issue because then you start trying to figure out relationships amongst the other parties. Is person B married to persons C, D, and E as well as A? If person C is on life support, who decides to pull the plug? It’s a mind-boggling issue of logistics and we’d just rather avoid the whole mess.

Additionally, our friends over at The Pervy Geek will also tell you that there’s a known biological imperative wherein women who share close living quarters tend to line up with respect to menstrual cycles. Honestly, if you think just one woman having her period is tough, imagine the fun of your entire household being an estrogen-fueled emotional warzone.

So in conclusion SF… if you want a threesome, just go out and have it. I mean, I can have chocolate milk while I’ve got my regular milk in the fridge.. yaknowImean?

Anywho, how about we reach deep into the ole sack-o-hate and see what’s up:

To: badadviceforgoodpeople@gmail.com
From: xxx@xxx.xxx
Subject: Missogynist

Dear HateMonger

You are a vile piece of scum and hate women. I truly hope that you one day see the truth in your own trash sight and stop hating women. I hope your mom is proud

- EW, Chicago

You know what EW, my mother actually is VERY proud of me because I’ve chosen to follow my dream and make this thing work. Now that we’re done here, let’s talk about you for a second.

You are either some woman who thinks that “Women’s Lib” somehow means burning bras is an ok symbol of.. I really don’t know, honestly. Either that, or you’re some basement-dwelling Internet White Knight who, frankly, couldn’t get laid with Brad Pitt’s dick and Angelina Jolie’s lips. That said, you’re still going to rush out and defend every woman on the planet from horrible, terrible, HONEST people like me.

That’s right EW. I’m honest. I’m also blunt, crass, forward, and -generally- better than most of the people I come into contact with. What I’m not, however, is a “misogynist,” which is what you completely grammaraped in your email. You see, to be a “misogynist,” I’d have to hate women. Lucky for them, I don’t hate them. I love them, all of them, especially the ones who do that thing with their tongues and the pinky? Yeah, THAT thing. Well,except you have no fucking clue what I’m talking about EW.. but trust me, it’s hot. Wait. Oh yeah, so no.. I don’t hate women. In fact, I’m married to a women (imagine my joy.. -ed) and, honestly, it’s incredible. Don’t let her stories fool you; the fact that we’re still married after a bar-bet is pure coincidence and has little to with the the thousand bucks I’m trying to win.

You see, EW, what I am is actually a humorist. I write stupid crap that makes people laugh. It’s really that simple. They understand that what I write is humor and it’s not meant to be taken seriously. You would do well to learn from them. In fact, YOU might even develop a sense of humor and, eventually, one of those women you so staunchly defend will finally break that curse of a dry-spell that you call your virginity.  Oh who are we kidding, this won’t happen. Just go back to your level 1 night elf and just keep hitting /dance until you get off.

I have a moral question. Is it wrong to ask a girl out after stealing her number from a resume she left behind at my friend’s job?

-KR, Philadelphia

This is quite the dilemma KR. However, there’s a pretty simple solution here.

If you know the girl, then there’s a precedent and you’re good to go. Simply call her up and set the whole thing up. Sure, no challenge, but you’re pretty much committing identify theft anyways, so why not make it worthwhile.

However, if you don’t know the girl… it’s going to be a bit trickier, but not impossible. You’re going to have to social-engineer something here. Granted, you might be tempted to start stalking her neighborhood since you already have her address, but that’s precisely the wrong way to go. You’ve got the phone number, so let’s work with that.

First off, let’s determine what kind of number we’re dealing with here… Cell phone? That could be perfect because you could do the whole “Um, just got a message from this number, who is this?” and then work it out from there. The upshot is that she may be the kind who sends out 1000 messages a day about completely inane bullshit and won’t likely realize that she has no clue who you are and will thus start sending random crap to you. Then it’s just a matter of working up to the “I don’t think I remember you… could you send me a pic?” If she does, then it’s just a matter of time until you have her convinced that sending crude snapshots of her poon will better jog your memory. After all, that’s what modern tech is REALLY for.. amateur porn.

Let us know how it goes! Pictures and video are always welcome. Feel free to send them to the official Deviant Advice Text Line: 503-451-0822

What. The. Goddam. Fuck!?! My friend is absolutely convinced that he’s a rapper. He’s been recording like crazy and trying to put his music all over the net. I really don’t want him to embarrass himself, so how do I help him?

- AM, Ogden

You know what AM. DO NOT TELL HIM TO STOP. Seriously. Just let him spread that crap EVERYWHERE. In fact, why don’t you help him by uploading some of his stuff too? Yes, it’s going to embarrass the ever-loving hell out of him, but that’s exactly what you want to do.

You see, some folks won’t learn until their humiliation is thorough and public. And there’s nothing more public than the entire global stage. No doubt, you’ve probably tried to wave this guy off and, clearly, he’s just not listening. So you’ve done due diligence, now it’s time for the unrepentant hate machine that is the Internet to take over and subtly steer this idiot away from what will, no doubt, be his potential undoing. Yes, it’s going to be ugly and brutal and, in all honesty, Square Cube over there will end up crying over his MySpace/Xanga/whatever the fuck it is that out-of-touch white boys use to emulate gangsta rappers with nowadays (“nowadays”… does Ma and Pa know you’re out late? -ed) and wondering why “they all hate me.” Well, it’s obvious.. we hate you because you’re retarded. But that’s the duality, we also LOVE you because you’re retarded, yaknowI’msayin G?

Pull up your fucking pants too.

Why do men like motorcycles that are so f$&%(&g loud!?

- SL, San Jose

Honestly SL, we’ve no f$&%(&g clue on that either. I mean, how the hell can you hear anything when you’ve got that shit right by your goddam ears? Actually, that’s the reality of it. It doesn’t matter that those guys can’t hear anything. They’re just bad ass. You don’t understand loud? Then you, SL, don’t understand cool.

You see, sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to maintain apperances. Those guy? Yeah, they can’t hear shit because they don’t have any goddam eardrums anymore because those open pipes have obliterated them. However, it’s not a big deal because those hogs sound like death coming for you.  That’s the quintessential definition of “bad ass” right there. Besides, motorcycles SHOULD be loud as all hell anyways. They are the emblem of a rebellious bunch, a class of human being who knows the rules, but is more than happy to skirt right around them. Scofflaws? Oh no my friend, these are “get em drunk on cheap booze, fuck them in the ass, wipe my dick on their sheets, and steal gas money” laws.

I love my fiance, but I’m starting to wonder if she’s not the right girl for me. You see, I think she’s becoming a feminist. She talks about the wedding being a “patriarchial ceremony” and says she won’t take my last name since no one “owns” her. She also wants to make sure that the wedding isn’t held anywhere religious since that’s more “patriarchal” something or other.  So what do I do?

-MM, Tulsa

Oh wow MM, you’ve got a hell of a situation there. Where the hell do we even start here?

Well, let’s go with the obvious. Your fiance is a fucking moron. And the fact that she’s actually your fiance also means she’s FUCKING a moron. Or, more appropriately, she’s probably not-fucking you. When she starts hauling out shit like “male-centric,” or “patriarchal,” or “why do I have to be in the kitchen all the time?” then she’s not a feminist, she’s just some bossy bitch who is actually getting away with it because you, limp-dick McGee, can step up and lay the pipe right. Am I right fellas? Goddam right I am. There, now she has enough rage in her to probably want to storm out of the room and send us an angry letter about how absolutely evil we are.

Ok. So now all that crap aside. Here’s the deal. If your fiance really thinks like that, then you have a hell of a problem staring you right in the face. You’ve got a woman on your hands who will always find fault with everything you do and will endeavor to ensure that everyone knows what a strong-willed woman she is by reminding them of this CONSTANTLY. You see, MM, she’s not a feminist.. she’s just a bitch and you really should dump her ass faster than Al Sharpton dumps a poor, repressed, inner-city cause celebre.

That’s what really sucks. The idea that “feminism” is still alive. Folks, it’s not. It’s dead and buried and pretty much needs to stay right there in the cold, cold ground. Granted, a short period (clever, dork -ed) ago, women had it rough. As men go, we were absolute louts. However, we grew up pretty goddam quick and realized that, oh my god, the only real difference between women and men was the whole “birthin babies” thing. So, aside from that, men and women are pretty much the same and the concept of “feminism” is just retarded now. So if your fiance is TRULY a feminist, then she won’t ever use the word and, as long as it really is her desire to not have a “traditional” (the hell does that mean anyways? “traditional) wedding, then it’s ok. But if her decision is pretty much motivated by her trying to please a community who pretty much go out of their way to do the exact opposite of anything a man does based on some idiotic principle, then she’s just an idiot and you should probably get rid of her.

So, Deviant Advice fans… what do YOU think about MM’s situation? Is he about to make a terrible mistake? Is he just overreacting? Is MY wife going to kick my ass out to the couch again? (that divot is starting to take your shape -ed) Why not discuss it on the forums by clicking the link below!

My girl wants to wait until we’re married before we have sex. She’s hot as hell and goes down on me, but I want more you know? I mean, you gotta sample the milk before you buy the cow, right?

-RC, Pontiac

Hell ya RC. After all, if you’re going to -presumeably- spend the rest of your life with this chick, then you gotta know what you’re workin with down there. Nothing worse than dating a 10-star hottie only to discover a set of pastrami curtains, amirite? (at least it’s not a grilled cheese sandwich… -ed) So yes, getting her into the sack is going to be damn important.

But first off… I want to take a second and congratulate her for having the moxy to at least compromise and give up the occasional beej. The fact that she does this is, honestly, reason enough to marry her. I mean, most women who won’t give up the vag till Wedding Night usually won’t give up ANY orifice anyways. So the fact that she’s willing to give you head should convince you that marriage is a safe bet.

Unless, of course, she’s already been down that road and had her cherry busted and, thusly, has no skills in bed. Then that could be a deal-breaker too. So it’s going to be a tough call. Frankly, if it were me, i’d get her drunk as hell and go for anal. At least, then, you can pull out the “well, there’s always…” routine. Sure, it’s a bitch move, but desperate times do call for desperate measures, do they not my friend?

Now, pehaps she IS willing to give it up, but has some sort of hangup (religious, ideological, she’s a lesbian), then you’re going to need to talk her down from that mental precipice. Maybe we can provide you some good arguments:

1) It’s not just about you sampling her. Maybe you aren’t good enough in the sack for her (do you at least return the oral favor?).

2) A Man’s Got Needs (like your need to sleep on the couch tonight? -ed).

3) Compatibility is based on more than just liking the same food, movies, music, etc. It’s also sexual. Why wait until the wedding night to discover that she has a fetish for those “Ricola” horns and loves to blow on one during sex (which would, in essence, explain why she’s willing to “blow” you…).

4) Sex is just sex. It’s not like it’s the be-all-end-all of human existence. It’s meant to be fun and she DOES like to have fun right?

5) Whacking to PornTube is, technically, cheating. Why is she making you cheat on her already?

6) If you do it in the butt, she’s still a virgin (does this actually work? -ed)

Of course, you could also go the “well, I AM spending two months’ salary on your damn ring” approach, but that rarely works since most folks work for crappy pay in this economy.

So RC… here’s my final advice for you.

Get her drunk, do her in the butt. Then “I do!”

Dear Asshole.

I took your damn advice and told my wife that I wanted to hook up with this guy. Now my wife is freaked out and won’t talk to me and also said that we really shouldn’t be open anymore. So there goes my sweet fucking deal. You people fucking suck. Fuck you

Fuckers. I’m fucking LM

Look LM. It’s really fucking easy. You obviously wanted to cheat on your wife and came to us thinking we were going to be all “omg, totally do it and send us teh gay porn pics so our wives can get off on them.” And then we didn’t. You see, you miss the point of what makes “Deviant Advice” “Deviant.” Namely, it’s that we aren’t going to always give the best advice or the advice you want. Sometimes we’ll actually argue for morality. Oh sure, the majority of our text indicates that we’re going to give you the advice you want, but hey… we are fickle people. So we’re sorry LM.

Sorry you’re a fucking nitwit. Man up and realize you fucked up. That’s some REAL damn advice.

So, yesterday, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen opened up in theaters. No, I haven’t seen it. I caught Transformers on opening day, so I feel I have enough qualifications to do a movie review based entirely off a combination of the previous movie and random crap I pull off the internet… plus I was that one guy who actually liked Armageddon (deal with it, k?). So with that, I’m dividing this review into two sections…

WARNING: May contain spoilers… unless you have an IQ over 12. Geeks Like Me

You get 2.5 hours of Michael Bay blowing shit up and, basically, kissing GM’s ass. The only real positive is that Soundwave FINALLY shows up and brings Ravage. the downside is that Ravage is a one-eyed dog that, near as I can dell, is nowhere NEAR as awesome as he could be. Additionally, Laserbeak is nowhere to be found and, frankly, what the hell? Starscream is still nowhere near as bitchy as he was in the show/comic book. Additionally, I can’t seem to find a dick on Megatron, so what can Starscream latch onto anyway? Devastator makes an appearance too, but supposedly he can’t walk normal due to his combined form so ends up walking like an ape. Yes, 7 robots can combine to form a single robot, but apparently can’t figure out a SPINE. Anyways. On the Autobot side, Arcee makes an appearance, which is interesting. In the show she was a single craft, now she’s suddenly a collection of three different bots? WTF? Additionally, Jetfire shows up, ensuring that Bay continues to piss all over my childhood by finding out a way to take a dig at Robotech (y’all know what I mean here…). Mirage still isn’t anywhere to be found and Jazz is still dead. I don’t get it either. Oh and the Chevy Volt gets to be in the movie too. Dinobots? Not so much. I guess if you can’t make a car out of it… Shia LaBeouf seems to be doing a decent job as Sam I guess, so that’s good. I don’t think Megan Fox gets naked, but oh well. Some dreams just never come true. If anyone can confirm me wrong on this, please let me know in the comments so I can better decide if I want to see this or download it wait for the DVD.

Non-Geeku€s

You will love this movie.

For me, I’m not going to really bother with it. I think I got lucky with the first one (despite lots of glaring flaws that I just pushed to the side anyways). Plus, I still haven’t seen the new Star Trek, so I’m probably going to go see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra as an act of pennance when it comes out in August. *sigh* Sometimes being a geek isn’t as hot as it sounds. So how about you all my fellow PDX’ers? Anyone seen this yet? Got an opinion yet? Maybe you too think that Michael Bay and GM are plotting to eviscerate something else from your childhood soon enough (has anyone optioned Silverhawks yet?). Why not “Duke” it (oh god no!) out in the comments? While you’re at it, why not give me a follow on that new-fangled Twitter all the kids are all going crazy about? And, as usual, if you just HAVE to tell me my advice sucks, feel free to send me a poorly-worded email so that, eventually, I can laugh at you. Dignity, roll out!

If we’re in an open relationship and I see somone but don’t tell her, it’s not really cheating is it? I sorta met someone online and I don’t think she’ll really be into this guy. He’s really hot though and we’ve already hat really hot phone sex and want to take it to the next level… but she won’t be into it. What can I do here?

-LM, Manhattan

LM, I really am not sure where to start here. Is it cheating? Well, if you’re asking then it sure as shit probably is, dumbass. See this situation is pretty easy to figure out. Open relationship? Great. Keeping things quiet? Idiot.

You see LM, any relationship is pretty much nothing more than a carefully orchestrated series of lies. But they’re small lies. By not telling your wife about this dude you got on the back burner, you’re pretty much skipping right past small lie territory and going directly into the Evisceration of Truth. That’s right LM, you’re pretty much stabbing the ever-loving hell out of you and your wife’s marriage and leaving it to bleed to death in a dark alley.

So here’s what I suggest you do. Man up. No, that doesn’t mean go do the other dude on the DL, it means tell your wife and hope that she allows it to happen, or else be graceful if she doesn’t. It’s really that simple. However, if you DO decide to go ahead and hit it on the hush-hush (after all, this IS Deviant Advice), then at least use your big head before using your (very) small head. Use a condom, make sure you keep your mouth shut (unless you’re into, you know, that), and KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT. That’s probably the one thing that destroys most secret plans.. the inability to shut up.

Why not drop us a line and let us know how it works out? We’d love to read up on the results and, well, we’ll probably make fun of you either way. Now get out there and make a decision!

Is it true? Have you finally stopped putting your filth out online?

You know what… anything BUT. Unfortunately, I did have to take some time off and start working on some personal things. After some time spent introspecting and getting a handle on some personal stuff in my life. Now that I’ve gotten a bit better, I’m ready to get back on the laptop and start helping people again. After all, it’s about goddam time, amirite?

Dear Best Advice Givers,

I love this site. It’s so fu*kin funny. Everytime I read it, I lol out loud and everyone at work just stares @ me. I don’t care tho, I love this site! Keep up the good work!

Actually, it’s LOOOOOOVE Mail Monday! While hate mail does seem to pull in the page counts, we figure a love note every now and again is a good thing. We figured we’d toss y’all a curve ball and post something nice since, well, that’s about 90% of what our inbox gets. Love us? Hate us? Who cares, just send us mail!

She wants to swing and I really don’t want to. However, I don’t really mind her going out and having her “fun” and all that. I told a buddy of mine and he says that I’m not being The Man and she’s probably just using me. Is he right?

- DF, Salem

Well DF, it’s like this. Has she made it clear to you that you’re able to get out there and play the field? If so, then you’re golden and your friend is a jealous idiot. However, if she’s saying “you know.. I’m not comfortable with this,” then your friend is speaking the truth and you need to dump her like a bad habit. Or you could try and remind her that this relationship is two-way (3-way? 4-way? -ed) and you need equal consideration. If she’s still not going for it, then you’re on the wrong end of a bad situation and you need to get the hell out of there.

Of course, my opinion here is that you two should consider something called a “soft swap,” which is where you swing with other couples ONLY and all fun is had while all four folks are present and accounted for. That way no one feels left out (I see what you did there… -ed) This is probably one of the best ways to make sure that everyone has fun, plus it gives you plenty of blackmail material for later, if the relationship ends up going to crap.

What? Oh come on… seriously, I can’t be the only one who thinks like this. You’re at DeviantAdvice.com for god’s sake.. that means something people.

Carry on!

I’m totally torn. So my moms makes me go to chuuch with her and there’s this nice honey who caught my eye the other day. So, you know, I go up and spit my game and get her number. Then moms tells me that it’s a sin and I should respect Jesus in hise house. So what do y’alls think? Was it ok to say “what’s up” or is moms right in saying that I should check it until we out of J’s house?

-MA, Detroit

Honestly MA, we’re torn on this one. And here’s why.

First off, we’re Deviant Advice. So hooking up in church is NOTHING to us. After all, if we weren’t meant to hook up, then why are pews like little beds? Are we right here? Of course we are. Now, you’re probably thinking “Ok, so they’re saying I should hook up don’t look back.” Ordinarily, you would be right.

However, it’s Mother’s Day Weekend around here and, well, we’re a collection of Mama’s boys (and girls, for the one girl amongst us). So let’s see if we can find common ground…

First off MA, Moms was right. It’s sorta inappropriate to try and score a hookup while in church.

Unless it’s the preacher’s daughter. Then you’re pretty much obligated to hit it and quit it.

In the future, we recommend that you try andget to know the honeys biblically while Moms ain’t around.

And from all of us Deviants to all you Moms, Moms-to-be, gramamamas, and Muthas… Happy Mother’s Day!

That’s all for now! Feel free to resume relentlessly stalking us for updates!

Hubby is a Trekkie.

Help.

-GG, Allentown

Oh my GG… we’re gonna warn you right away that this post is NOT going to work well for you.

You see, we here at Deviant Advice Global HQ are Trekkies. Not slobbering Trekkies, but we get into it. Unfortunately, there just so happens to be a deep division. My wife, ed, (that’s -ed) is a fan of the Next Generation series (TNG, if you want to get savvy) whereas I’m into the Original Series (you guessed it, TOS). We have regular arguments about which series is better (you realize I have Wil Wheaton, right? -ed). In the end though, I always win because, well, I run the site. So there.

Now, our advice to you GG is to just get over whatever prejudice you have and get into it. And to help you out, we’ll give you some universal truths about the ‘Trek:

1. No question about it. Kirk.  No matter what, Kirk.

2. In en epic throwdown, Spock could totally take Data. Especially if it’s during Pon Farr. Seriously, the android would die.

3. No matter what, Scotty really doesn’t have the power, so stop fucking asking.

4. Forget new life and new frontiers, Kirk’s 5 year mission was to fuck anything with a vagina, or anything with something that at least approximated a vagina  (and wearing go-go boots, you mustn’t forget the go-go boots!! -ed).

5. Uhura would have kicked Crusher’s ass.

6. In his defense, so would we. Chick is hot, ok?

7. KAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!

8. Gene Roddenberry should be sainted, immediately.

9. Jim, he’s a fucking DOCTOR ok? Let him doctor.

10. Saucer Separation is for pussies. Live together, die together alright? It’s that goddam simple.

So you see GG, it’s really not that difficult. You have to just understand that Star Trek isn’t just a show and a collection of movies, it’s an entire way of life. You don’t really watch any of it, you bond with it. Frankly, it’s a hell of a lot of fun so long as you take it too seriously.

I’d write more here, but I need to get back to the tattoo shop. I’m having the Joan Collins’ character from “The City On The Edge of Forever” inked onto my back.

What?

Why do you all publish hate mail? You know the people who are sending it to you aren’t going to read it anyways. This site really sucks.

Honestly, we publish hatemail for the very same reason you send it. We’re narcissistic pieces of shit who enjoy conflict and chaos.

Actually, at least 95% of the mail we get is very complimentary and lots of it contains advice requests (just a note folks, we do have a special form for that, but your emails are always welcome). So we feel compelled to publish the hate mail because folks like yourself are in a clear minority when it comes to the site. Plus we get a little vicarious thrill out of talking total shit on you people because we KNOW you’re coming back (come on people, Google Analytics says our returning visitors is at 74%, that’s gotta mean SOMETHING). So the whole “oh they won’t read it” is crap. In fact, you’re probably hoping we pick your email and response to it. We know that, secretly, you get off on it. It makes you happy inside because then you can go tell all of your retarded friends that we totally ripped you a new one because we suck ass and, somehow, it becomes a victory for you and not a win for us.

But that’s where you’re wrong. By repeatedly visiting the site and getting your friends to visit, that helps boost our page counts so advertisers see us as that much more lucrative and, in turn, can help us eventually sell more ad space (once we start offering it) and, eventually, quit our day jobs.

You clearly didn’t think your cunning plan through.

Admit it. You just want to seem cool, edgy; god help you, you want to be trendy. In fact, you want to be on the bleeding edge of a trend, so you’ll go to almost impossible lengths to make it happen. And yes, that includes making shit up.  Don’t deny it, you’ve done it before.

At least, I know *I* did. I’m not ashamed to admit it either. In fact, I’m damn proud of it. Why? Because I wasn’t questioned at all on it. I would make up really strange customs, bands, food combinations, etc and absolutely NO ONE would say “that doesn’t sound right…” That’s because I had my shit together and could be an absolutely convincing liar. And I followed these steps to do it:

1. Don’t tell where you heard of this trend, just make vague references to various websites and/or magazines. Even if someone decides to Google it, the odds of them disproving you are pretty small since, well, there’s little you can’t find on Google anyways.
2. Don’t describe a true origin. It makes it harder for your lie to be convincing since people can narrow it down to a specific region. Try to imply that it’s from a combination of places and cultures.
3. The less-foreign the name, the better. Just go with me on this one.
4. If it’s food-related, make sure it’s something you can cook. Trust me, this will be critical. Nothing like claiming how great a random dish is and then cooking it, only to have it taste like absolute ass. As a precaution, you should probably make the dish a couple times, just to give it at least SOME legitimacy.
5. The more obscure your favorite band/music genre is, the worse it will suck to everyone else. So just avoid talking about new music, unless you’re some hipster who really DOES listen to bands no one’s ever heard of. In that case, just kill yourself.

And there you have it. Five easy steps to ensure that you stay on the cutting edge of whatever preposterous lie you decide to haul out while hanging out with your friends. Granted, once you start being all cultural and edgy, you’re going to want to make up even more obscure crap to see just what you can get away with and we think that’s a GREAT idea because, evnetually, it exposes your friends for being the pretentious wankers that they are.

By the way.. we just heard about this GREAT new band out of New Guinea who do this techno-jazz-country fusion thing that’s insane. But we think they’re already selling out…

I really do love my boyfriend, but lately he’s been putting on a little weight. I really do want to tell him that it’s starting to make him look bad, but he’s sensitive and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What do I do?

-MM, Boston

Sure MM, it could be tough to tell the lardass you’re dating that maybe he should drop the fork every once in a while, but it’ll be MUCH tougher to actually have sex with him when you have to lift a roll to find his dick.

Honestly, there’s no way to do it gently. You’re just going to have to tell him honestly and directly that he pretty much needs to start dropping some weight. Aside from the fact that sexing him up is going to get tougher, there are some other VERY serious side effects:

• little kids will make fun of him
• we here at Deviant Advice will make fun of him
• he’ll be forced to shop in the “Big and Tall” section and the fashions there aren’t kind
• he’ll go on Paula Dean’s Christmas card list

Of course, there’s all the myriad health issues as well, but he likely won’t listen to them, so just skip that crap altogether. So the next question is, how do you tell him?

You could go subtle.. “You know honey.. those pants seem a bit tighter lately.”

You could go gentle… “Sweetie… we need to talk about your weight.”

Or you could be direct… “Why is there a Japanese whaling boat outside our house?”

There really is no good, easy way to tell him. So our advice is to just be honest, but not too cruel. Something like “Look. I love you and all, but Rosie O’Donnell keeps calling the house. So either you’re a lesbian, or you might want to get on an exercise program.”

And by “exercise program” we hope you mean “anal.”

Good luck!

Dear Assholes

Why do you pick on gay people so much? It seems like there’s always some article about gay people here. I bet that, deep down, you all hate gay people because you’re gay yourselves.  You need to stop picking on us or we’re going to come after you. Just remember that we’re here, queer, and not going anywhere bitches.
What the hell? Is this person serious? How are we at all against gay people?  Look, jackass, it’s like this; we love gay people. And we love them for the following reasons:

1. they’re just like everyone else, which means they do stupid shit too
2. there’s the whole “they’re such clean and fashionable people” thing
3. then there’s the wacky gay types down Folsom street who disprove #2 in horrible ways
4. they’re no different than any other person out there
5. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” was fun as hell to watch (yes, Carson is pretty, we admit)
6. gay people are just like straight people
7. seriously, no difference

I think the reason you’re so pissed off is the very fact that we DO treat gay people just like everyone else, which means we make merciless fun of them. You see, idiot, that’s the beauty of it all. By not seeing you as any different from us, we are able to make fun of you not because you’re gay, but because you’re a moron. Being gay just means we don’t have to switch gender-related pronouns and that appeals to our lazy side.

Honestly, I’m tempted to quote Carlos Mencia here.. but that jackass hasn’t said anything funny in years anyways. So I’ll just close by thanking you for reading and invite you to eat a bag of dicks. Unless you’re a lesbian. In that case, call us…

He’s a nice guy.. but I think it’s over. As fun as he is, we aren’t really that compatible. I need to let him down gently, but I don’t know if it’s possible since he’s a pretty emotional guy. Any advice for me?

-SL, Warr Acres
SL, just pull the trigger.

Seriously. I know guys like this. Hell, I used to BE a guy like this. Emotional, understanding, sensitive, stupid. Everything was taken to heart with me. That is, until I got dumped by the woman of my dreams.

She was hot. She was freaky in bed. She had this killer personality. I loved hanging out with her. I would tell her I loved her something like a brazilian times a day. I wrote poems for her. Then, one day, she let me know it was over. No “I’m sorry,” no “It’s not you, it’s me” and certainly none of that “Maybe we can still be friends” crap you see on the movies. It was a quick phone call… “I don’t think this is working out. Good luck.” Seriously, that was it. So after that, I did what any man would do… I wept like a freaking baby.

Then I went to the strip club and ripped through $200 worth of lap dances and tips. So at least I got that part right. Then I went home and alternated between crying and trying to get myself off with horrible cable porn (it was Oklahoma, after all).

But eventually I got over it, my heart healed, and I developed a healthy feeling of rage and scorn towards her which persists to this day. Sure, you would say that it’s a horrible thing, but I think it makes me better since it means that I can better accept the bitter disappointments that life does occasionally dish out. And that’s what this guy will eventually do to you SL. He’s going to get past it and, eventually, hate the very fact that you’re still alive. Oddly enough, this is what you’re hoping for. That way he doesn’t turn into some strange ex-boyfriend-good-friend hybrid that will attempt to have another relationship with you through the stories you tell him of the relationships that come after him. Unless that’s your thing. If so, then, you’re just pretty damn retarded.

So there ya go SL. Let it rip. Take his heart, rip it out of his chest, and stomp the ever-loving hell out of it. In the long run, it’ll make him a better person, or he’ll go on to form some retarded emo-ass band and sing thousands of dumb songs about your love and, in this day and age, likely go platinum and make more money than he knows what to do with.

I hate life and I really hate emo bands…

Yes, seriously. You you you. 24/7/365/YOU. Why should it ever be about anyone else?

Don’t get me wrong. Humanity does have its share of shining examples in the sea of chaos that we all find ourselves floating in. There are genuinely good people out there… the suckers. You see, most people are concerned with just trying to get their own issues sorted out and you shouldn’t be any different. Despite what you see, no one is out there just waiting to take care of you because they’re just swell people who think you’re a swell person. No, they’re likely trying to forward their own agenda and you just happen to be a pretty convenient pawn in that little game. How do I know? Well, pretty simple: Sally Struthers.

You see, Sally was pretty famous there for a bit because she was involved in one of those “feed teh starving childrens in Africa” programs. Like any other noble cause, it’s mission was to guilt thousands of middle-class folks in America to send money to Africa and, in the process, feed the kids and set them up with vaccines, education, and all the other things that the modern world enjoys. Seems noble enough, doesn’t it? Oh sure… until you realize that, over time, there were fewer and fewer kids in the advertisements. Oddly, Sally kept getting ever larger. So what does this mean? That’s right dear reader, she was eating the children. So what were people sending money over for? Hell if we know. But Sally sure as hell got hers, thus proving our rule that it REALLY is all about the individual.

So remember, as you’re out and about in the world, don’t ask if what you’re doing benefits the world at large, ask if it benefits YOU. And for the smarter amongst you, this does mean you can turn those ribbed condoms inside-out.. it’s what I do!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, Apr 6 2009

You aren’t helpful.

Well, it’s certainly to the point, isn’t it? I think one of my favorite things is reading the occasional grumble about how we’re just not helpful, we’re horrible, the advice is awful, etc. It tickles me because it tends to confirm that there IS a shallow end to the gene pool and, thankfullly, we’re still not in it. Apparently reading comprehension is a determining factor in this. So if you’re able to go to a website that says “Bad Advice for Good People” and think to yourself “hey.. I bet this site is a humor site” then I would celebrate since you are clearly ahead of the rest of humanity. Congrats!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Subject: Swearing

Why do you swear so much? Little kids might be reading your site. Why not have a warning or something?
Piss off.

Oh, and watch your kids. They aren’t my responsibility, they’re YOURS. Asshat.

My son is turning 21 this year. Hell yeah! This is important and I really want to bring him into manhood in style. Is taking him to the strip club right? Or wrong? Let’s hear what you’ve got!

- ZD, Jacksonville
I can relate to this ZD. Currently I have two stepsons, one is 10 and the other is 8. And yes, I’m already planning their 18th and 21st birthday parties.

Strip club? With Dad? Get ON THAT! Seriously. I can only assume that you had “The Talk” with him when he was younger, so, basically, this is just a logical extension of that. Plus if you’re an afficionado, then the upshot is that you can teach him how to do this right.

But what about you, dear reader who may feel the same, but not know how to go about this? Well, let’s delve into some Strip Club Etiquette.

1. Be a gentleman. Yes, there’s exposed boobs and cold beer. However, the pairing of the two doesn’t give you license to act a fool.
2. They don’t love you, don’t act like it. This is a business transaction, so act accordingly.
3. Don’t throw money. Seriously. Rappers do this and you aren’t a rapper.
4. Let her set the tone. If she offers you the cleavage pickup, go for it. Otherwise, let it go. Wait till later.
5. Did we mention yet that she doesn’t love you? Because she doesn’t.
6. If you pay for a lapdance, you get just a lapdance.
7. Acknowledge the bouncers. Don’t treat them like they’re famil, but be courteous.
8. Don’t haggle the door, cheapass.
9. Help your broke-ass friends, create a Community Chest. Everyone deserves at least one turn at Pervert Row.
10. Seriously, she’s only in love with your wallet.

There you. Ten, 10 simple steps that will ensure your strip club experience is full of quality and, play your cards right, full of quantity experiences. Just remember rule 1 and your experience is absolutely golden, I promise you.

Congrats on your son’s impending entrance into Manhood. If we had a way to get down to Jacksonville, we’d join you there and help bring his drunk ass into a whole new world. We’ve got an entire stack of $1’s that would be MUCH better served in the g-string of some girl who’s dreams we’re destroying.

OMG this rseshun is horrible. But I got myself covered. There’s a man I know who say he wants to be my sugar daddy. My girl says it’s like I’m a ho. What do y’alls think?

-BJ, Detroit
You know. The fact that your initials are “BJ” is going to make me spend hours giggling like a high school prom queen (seriously, it’s adorable. -ed). But you’re not here for that, you’re here for advice. How’s about we get down to it.

But first.. it’s “recession” ok? Thanks.

And that also pretty much tells me that a Sugar Daddy is about the ONLY way you’re going to make any serious money in life. Now, unless this guy is freakishly wealthy and just feels the need to donate to some random stranger (ha!), then you’re likely doing something for this cash. So, BJ (teehee), that does make you a ho. Sorry, but them’s the breaks.

Now. Should you care? FUCK NO. This guy probably isn’t wanting anything major out of you.. unless he’s sent you a coffee cup and asked if you have any friends. In that case, get out of there as fast as you can. Otherwise, who cares? So you either send him dirty pics, send him dirty underwear, sing him “Dirty Laundry,” or something else similarly disgusting. In return, he pays your bills. Honestly, this is economics in it’s purest form. It’s his money, might as well let him spend it however the hell he wants. Food, family, a ghetto princess from Detroit, whatever. And if you have the good looks that can pay the bills, then you should use it to your full advantage.

Oh sure, some people are going to call you a ho and going to say that what you’re doing is wrong, but hey… who eats better? Am I right here? Damn straight I am. And that’s why you write in, people.

So BJ, you go on with your bad-ass self. And if he ever asks, we could sure use a couple bucks ourselves…

I have to write and ask you all if you’re actually serious about this site? Some of this advice is absolutely terrible. I really don’t understand how you can publish this at all. Honestly, if you’re serious, you could do better than give out the advice that you give.

You know. It never ceases to amaze me how often people seem to blow right past the various tag line mentions on the site. Additionally, I’m amazed that most people seem to miss the actual NAME of the site itself. Honestly folks, is reading comprehension that hard? Jesus.

And are we serious? Have you not read the “About Page?” I mean seriously. It’s right there:

“Deviant Advice is built on the idea that people don’t want “advice” per se, they just want someone to tell them to go ahead and go through with whatever insane plan that they are concocting in their heads. So that’s what we decided to do.”

See, we’re not really giving advice, we’re just telling people mostly what they want to hear anyways. So of course this site sucks to some of you, you’re the type of people we DON’T want reading our site. If you’re honestly looking for good, reliable advice, then run the hell away from here. If you just want someone to give the go-ahead to your stupidity, or you just want to be entertained, then stick around.

Remember: BAD advice for GOOD people.

You know, people who can actually fucking read.

It’s actually a pretty good question and something that I really hadn’t much considered until I got asked this question. I took the time to soul search and really investigate what about me made me so deviant. The entirety of my existence was taken into consideration. As I dove deeper and deeper into my psyche, I began to…

Wait. No. No, that’s not it at all. I realized that, honestly, being deviant comes down to five (that would be 5) little points:

1. You’ve gone beyond “looking out for number one.” In fact, you conisder yourself so damned important that you wonder why people aren’t grovelling at your feet.
2. You actually though Denis Leary’s “Asshole” song was about you.
3. You were disappointed when it wasn’t.
4. You actually know the difference between “The Rocker,” “The Shocker,” and “The Showstopper.”
5. You read this site.

Ok. So maybe this list isn’t fully comprehensive. To be honest, there’s lots of things that make one deviant. However, the lines aren’t always 100% clear, but who cares. You’re deviant, right? Absolutely. So what do YOU feel makes YOU a Deviant? Leave something in the comments!

My problem is but a simple one: Why does my life suck so bad?

-RF, Austin

Well RF, suckage happens for oh so many reasons. Let’s delve into a few:

1) You’re ugly. Ugly people just flat-out have horrible lives. If you aren’t pretty then you’re just shit out of luck. Solution? Plastic surgery or try to develop a great personality and be able to tell fart jokes.

2) You’re stupid. Stupid people actually don’t realize their lives suck because, well, they’re stupid. So skip this.

3) You’re poor. Poor people can’t afford to have good lives. Oh what’s that? Money can’t buy happiness? Well, no, but it sure as hell rents it real nice doesn’t it? Exactly. People with money can buy nice lives and, in the end, that’s one of the keys to happiness. Solution? Rob a bank, file a lawsuit, or hope for the lottery. And yes, do those in that order. (note: don’t rob a bank, idiot).

4) You’re Ryan Reynolds. (Hey, whats wrong with him? He’s kinda cute) This should be self-explanatory. Solution: don’t be Ryan Reynolds, duh.

Well RF, maybe that’s the core of it. There are really only three reasons why life sucks. Solution ? Don’t be ugly, broke, or stupid. And if you’re Ryan Reynolds, just kill yourself.

Vern’s wisdom absolutely eclipses his years spent living as a bona-fide redneck from Oklahoma. Armed with real-life experiences (and a plethora of “hey y’all, watch THIS!” experiences), Vernablo brings a practical, earthy tenor to Deviant Advice.

Congratulations and welcome to the fold, Vern!

Seriously. It’s time to go ahead and just be upfront about this. All those crazy stories you tell? Total lies. Complete bullshit. Pure and utter fabrications.  However, that’s ok. And here’s why:

Your life is boring, ok? Don’t try to issue me justifications or any of your “really, I lead an interesting life” excuses. Life as we know it is boring. People who have adventurous lives probably aren’t sitting in middle-management, making barely enough to really care about their jobs. They’re actually out there living an interesting life. So there’s the unabashed truth and you might as well come to terms with it. Your life, is boring. Got it? Great.

So that’s where good story-telling skills come in oh-so-handy. No one wants to hear about that time you and your buddies got drunk as shit on the lake and ended up passing out and waking up in the morning with a dick and balls drawn on your forehead. However, when you take out the personal graffiti and instead talk about going into town while drunk, flirting with everything in the bar that had a vagina, getting someone’s boyfriend pissed off, then hooking up with his now-ex and her freakishly hot girlfriend (from Canada, no less), well, you’ve got quite the audience now, eh? And that, my friend, is why you make up the crap you do.

So what to do if your story-telling skills are lacking? Well, that’s why we’re here. We’ve got you covered.

1) Remember that you have to still be believable. So if you’re a 98-pound acne-ridden basement-dwelling loser, most folks won’t believe that you can do anything short of crank out a good webpage. Don’t even try.

2) Location location location. That’s to say, keep things OUT of where you live, but not too far. You have to figure that if your “adventure” is within a couple counties, you’re probably pretty safe as most folks won’t feel compelled to go check your story out. However, you announce that this happened in another state (and don’t include other vacation-related details) and most folks will pretty much call bullshit right away.

3) Names are important. Most in-experienced bullshitters will tell you “no names, no names,” but they’re morons who will easily waffle under any scrutiny. You will not be that person. You will PROUDLY proclaim any and all names that seem relevant.

4) Remembering those names is equally as important.

5) Where you tell the story is just as important. While it’s tempting to bust one out at work, you really want to wait until sometime outside of work hours for your best material. It’s better if you can do it in the presence of alchohol as it tends to loosen inhibitions and, to your advantage, dulls bullshit filters. The other benefit is that the story then spreads and, if you tell it correctly, takes on folklore dimensions. Soon it’s not just your story, it’s EVERYONE’S story, which is what you ultimately want.

And there you have it. Five easy steps to help ensure that your bland, boring life is really anything but.

Reminds me of this one time I went camping…

You know, you are part of why people are afraid of the internet. People like you who spew nothing but hate are vile and should be banned from posting.

Well, here’s the funny thing about the Internet (and it IS capitalized, you dolt)… no one makes you read any one particular site. It’s like TV and radio, no one makes you watch a program or listen to a particular station. People like you seem to want to just police everything and create some sort of homogenized existence and, well, it’s just moronic. You can’t handle diversity, so you would just rather shut it all away. That’s fine. You’re obviously allowed to be that way.

And one final thing… when you come to the site it even SAYS that it’s “Bad Advice for Good People,” so it’s not like I’m hiding my intent here.

I’m 27 and I’m a virgin. To make it worse, I don’t know if I’m gay. What do I do?

- JH, Lincoln

Wow JH. That sounds like one hell of a dilemma there. I dunno if I want to be in your position at all. But then, I’m not as flexible as I used to be, so most positions for me are a bit difficult. (oh dear god… -ed)

So, that said, let’s get into this and do it right.

JH, the answer to your problem is hookers my friend. Oh sure, you are probably sitting there thinking that your first time has to be filled with romance and love and unicorns or something, but the reality is that’s all a crock of crap. Sex is pretty much an animalistic activity (which is why we were kicked out of that petting zoo -ed) and there’s little romance. Yes yes, there’s folks out there who pull out the whole “I love to make love” routine, but they’re just idiots who, frankly, haven’t a damn clue as to what sex is about… which is basically busting a nut and -if you’re smooth enough- getting breakfast out of the deal.

So yes JH. Hookers. Don’t be afraid to pay for sex. After all, it’s damn liberating to know that the other person is there just to ensure that you get off. Plus you avoid other unpleasantries like witty conversation, remembering names, or asking “are you ok? did you get off?” Oh sure, that seems like my usual snarky advice, but this time it’s absolute truth. It makes things so much easier when you’re just concerned with getting off and then kicking the other person the hell out of your house. Now, before you go picking up some random vagina/peener, there are some things to take into consideration:

1) They don’t love you. They just want your cash and, in some instances, for you to let their sister go (don’t ask) (you couldn’t respond anyways due to that “lawsuit” thing… -ed).

2) For the love of God, don’t go cruising the local streets looking for your first/next adventure. After all, cops just LOVE to bust for prostitution. If you do insist on (stupidly) cruising for strange, at least be weary when they ask YOU to set the price. Of course, even if you drive away you’re still screwed, so seriously… look up a local agency.

3) Skip the romance. When they come to you (and make sure it’s a hotel, don’t be stupid and invite them back to your place from the get go, make sure to have the money out and ready to go. If you INSIST on some form of romance, then put the money into an (unsealed) envelope. Draw hearts on it if you must, but no one’s going to care because, again, they don’t love you.

4) Be prepared. Even though they are most always prepared for those who chose not to plan ahead, you at least want to give the appearance that you have half a brain in your skull, so keep condoms handy. You get double points if you keep dental dams handy in case you want to venture south of the border on your Miss Right Now (cause you at least want to seem like the suave motherfucker you are).

5) Seriously, they don’t love your ass at all. In fact, the instant they leave, they’ll completely forget your name. In fact, they’ll likely forget you actually have a name. While you might be lying there in some sort of post-orgasmic bliss, they’re probably trying to remember if they paid the water bill or not. And that leads to the final consideration…

6) You don’t love them. Yes yes, you’ve probably seen “Pretty Woman” and thought “wow. wouldn’t that be great?” and the answer is fuck NO. It would be a horrendous life to live since, well, the person is in the job because it’s easy money and they have some vague form of fun. If they’re doing it to land a life partner or such, then you’re going to have to really wonder what the hell they’re doing. And it’s probably a greater likelihood that you can’t trust them. So don’t fall in love with them and decide you want to take care of them. It’s just retarded.

And that, JH, is how you’re going to bust that first nut. Oh and BI the way, you’re probably bi. So save up your lunch money and get a dude and a chick. It might be the best $225 + expenses you’ve ever spent.

What? I do a lot of reserach, I know things. Get off my back ok?

(he likes a finger in the butt when I blow him -ed)

You see, there are people out there who absolutely live to tear apart those things that people love. It’s very natural and is something you should look out for. The reason why is that this stops you from going all stupid on the Internet and professing your absolute and undying love for whatever it is that you are absolutely in undying love with. People like that are often pretentious and probably deserve to be beaten to within an inch of their lives anyways. So, clearly, you don’t want to be that person. So what to do?

Well, be subtle and calm about it. Feel free to talk about your passions, but try to condense it. Like you recent “Twilight” fans. Seriously, shut up. You all make absolutely no sense.. unless you’re 14 or something, then I understand. However, if you’re a suburbanite housewife who’s 45.. you need to rethink your life ok? Great. So anyways, yes.. Uhm. Love whatever you love, but do try and occasionally shut up about it.

As we’ve stated, here at Deviant Advice we’re about more than just giving you fantastically warped advice. We’re here to also help improve you as a person. Of course, we do put out the occasional How To, but we feel that’s not enough. As a result, we’ve introduced the “Rules For Living” series. Hope you enjoy them!

HELP OMGLOL.

My roomate is a pretty good guy, but he wears short shorts. I mean, REALLY short fucking shorts. It’s like he wants to create a male camel toe or something. If he were gay, I’d be all “ok” cause that’s what gay dudes do. But he’s straight. What do I do?

- CE, Pasadena

Well. There is the time-honored tradition of shooting him directly in the junk with a high-powered rifle but that does seem to be a bit of an extreme solution. Although I have to admit, forming a male camel toe does seem to merit extreme reactions.

I’d also like to point out that the proper verbage there is “smuggling olives.”

Anywho. So you have few choices here. There’s the aforementioned (and ostensibly illegal) “Gun Method” and then there’s my personal favorite, eHumiliation.

You see, CE (clever. please stop -ed), your friend is sending you a message. That message is “I have no goddam clue what I’m doing, please help me.” It’s YOUR job as his roomate (and even moreso because you are his MALE roomate) to help cure him of this problem and humiliation will be your fastest path to clearing this up. After all, there’s more at stake here than just fashion. I mean, most women I know would see that, assume he’s gay, assume you’re gay, and suddenly you start being her best friend and, in general, acting out “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry,” except it won’t end with you scoring the hot chick. Nono, you’ll end up with her wanting to hook you up with her really nice gay friend who weighs about 400 pounds, has a “great personality” and smells like a week-old sandwich. Goddamit Laura, I still hate you…

Uhm. Yes. So yeah, you need to take care of this so that YOUR prospects don’t dry up. My friend, you’re going to have to make his life miserable. Of course, there’s a plan for this.

Step 1) Get photographic proof of this horrible choice in leisure-wear. Now, this part is going to be tricky since you either have to have a decent zoom, or you’re going to have to get right up on his junk. Either way, God help you.

Step 2) Post the HELL out of that thing. MySpace, FaceBook, FriendFeed, Twitter, Forums, his Grandmother’s email address.. just get that thing out there to as many people as you can.

The ensuing wave of “Dude, are you gay?” or “Dude, are you high?” or “Duuude” will likely knock him out of whatever catatonic stupor he’s in and make him realize that he’s doing something that, well, really shouldn’t be done unless you weigh 85 pounds, have a vagina, or are that really annoying gay kid from that Chuck and Larry film. Don’t ge tme wrong, I’m not gay.. but that dude actually made short shorts look good.

I mean, you know, yeah.

Good luck!

Deviant Advice?

OMG U R SO MEAN!

OMG, Learn to fucking type.

I recently lost my job and was given an enormous severence. Now I have the money needed to start my own business and the time to do it. But if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’ll do. Should I do this?

- MC, Tulsa

MC, I have two words for you: Fuck YES! Seriously. Most people are going to argue that now is the worst time to start a business, but they’re dead wrong and you need to ignore the hell out of them. Sure, your business is going to go slow at first due to our economy, but that’s also going to work towards your advantage since property owners are probably going to be dropping rents like crazy to get businesses in. And then, of course, there will be LOTS of programs opening up soon to get small business back into circulation. So now is THE time to get off your ass and claim your destiny.

However, you need to be careful. It really does depend on what kind of business you’re starting. Don’t be stupid and open up something no one is going to care about (like a church or something). Make sure that the business you’re starting is needed… like a porn shop. Everyone loves a porn shop! And if you do, make sure you cut us a discount. After all, we told you to do it.

50% sounds perfect!

Quick note. I’m going to slightly redo the hate mail section. Currently it’s just a page that I update when I get particularly exciting hate mail. However, I think I’m going to change it to where I create separate posts from each email that I feel compelled enough to share and answer.

Until I get it all running, I’ll leave the current Hate Mail page up. Then I’ll figure out some snazzy way to display it later on.

That’s it for now. Got an article in the queue that should be publishing around 11am PST, so stay tuned!

I’m not gay, I’m bi. But no one knows about it. Every one I know thinks I’m straight. I want to tell people i’m bi, is this bad?

- KL,  Manhattan

Is it bad? No. Greedy? Yup, sure as hell is! But who cares.

Honestly KL, your orientation shouldn’t matter to anyone, least of all you. Why? Well, it’s just not anyone’s business or concern. It doesn’t really say anything about you, except that you’re greedy (guess who spent most of his college days not dating? -ed).  There’s really no need to “come out” or anything like that, unless you happen to prefer men over women. If you’re just out for the occasional wang, then you’re bi with hetero tendencies. However, if you crave schlong and only occasionally prefer some vajayjay (goddamit Oprah, I hate you), then you’re bi with homo tendencies. It really is that simple.

Of course, you’re likely to come up against some opposition if you tell people what trips your trigger, blows your hair back, renders your type, puts the bomp in your bomp shebompshebomp, makes you orgasm (sorry, creativity running low). Some folks will likely accuse you of being greedy and indecisive (you’re just greedy, deal with it) and others will say you’re  a horrible monster. Obviously, you just need to ignore these idiots and go on about your greedy life.

Greedy. (issues? -ed)

This is my deal. I like to get high on occasion, but the husband isn’t into it. I used to get high all the time before we got married and I really miss it. Should I stay with him?

- TM, Washington DC

Seriously TM, I don’t even know where to start.

Well, maybe I do.

The fact of the matter is, you made a conscious choice to change a behavior in order to get married to this guy. Boy, were YOU stupid. Changing parts of yourself for no good reason is simply beyond retarded. Since you still crave the chronic, it’s quite obvious you still want to get high. So why stay with this? Clearly, it isn’t working for you.

This isn’t going to be easy, especially since your hobby includes getting baked out of your mind from time to time. There’s a very real chance that you might actually forget what you’re doing, as you’re doing it. So do yourself a favor and write little notes, or take along a trusted friend just in case.  During the whole process, your ex-to-be is likely going to take one of three approaches:

beg you to stay, but with the current restrictions in effect (most likely)
agree to let you toke up every now and again (less likely)
go absolutely insane and start accusing you of being a horrible drug user and never amounting to anything and blah blah blah (pretty damn likely)

Of course, if he does take option two there (hey, it could happen) then that’s likely going to open up a whole other can o’ worms. He’s either going to be constantly resenting you, or -worse- he’s going to suddenly become your best pal and soking buddy. And, honestly, if he does start allowing it, are you willing to take a chance on having  marriage based on spite when, in fact, most marriages are based on outlandish lies? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So TM, it really seems like there’s only one solution. Get the hell out of there.

And pick me up some brownies. I’m seriously fucking hungry after all this writing about pot.

My father was out of my life for the better part of it. Now, he’s trying to get back into touch with me and it’s just making things worse. Thankfully, he doesn’t know where I live, so I try to dodge his phone calls and that sorta works. But I jusdt cave in and call him back. What do I do? Like I said, I need serious advice.

- MD, Penobscot

Honestly MD, we here at Deviant Advice pretty much keep it locked on the “Deviant” setting for all the obvious reasons. It’s a cornerstone of who we are. Yes, we wrap up the advice in a metric fuckton (I looked it up. It’s “shit-tonne” – ed) of snark, but we’re still pretty serious. Ok, so maybe we weren’t really advocating that the guy in “Rogaine Pills and Other Lies” kill himself, but the spirit is there. So yes. Our advice always comes with a complimentary serving of snark. It’s on the house.

Here’s our take on your situation. You don’t want to talk to him, obviously, so you just need to cut him off. Yes, there’s the whole “he’ll always be family and family is all you have,” but you’ve certainly made it through a pretty large portion of your life without him, so obviously family isn’t all you have. So call up the cell phone company and change your number as quickly as you can. Since he doesn’t know where you live, you can pretty much vanish on him with no real trace. Unfortunately, this also means you’re going to have to exercise some impressive crowd control on the remaining parts of your family that you do like and may also be in contact with him. And yes, you’re going to catch an impressive amount of hell for this decision, but that’s just all part of the process, so get used to it.

Of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least tell you once “try and work it out with him, after all, he IS your father.” Honestly tho, screw it. He walked out on you, right? Of course, reacting out of spite really doesn’t accomplish anything, but who cares. It’ll make you feel better. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of crap and you should stab them. Well, maybe not stab them, but maybe a stab-like motion.

I really need help. I’m about to set off for a week of charity work.. but I really really don’t want to go. I would prefer to stay home and sleep. Is this ok? Am I a bad person? I can handle it if i am.

- AD, St. Paul

AD, you’re a HORRIBLE person. All of those people who could probably use your help are now suffering without it. You could be making the difference in someone’s life that makes ALL the difference. After all, sometimes people just need a hand up, you know?

Oh screw it. I really can’t keep this crap up. AD, you’re not a horrible person, you’re an HONEST person. When it comes to charity, I just have them deduct some from my paycheck at my “real” job. Why? Because I’m damned lazy. Plus, to be honest, I don’t want to be around poor people. They’re unwashed and gross. Yes, this makes me a horrible human being.. but for Christ’s sake, you’re at a site called DEVIANT Advice. So I’m pretty sure you aren’t here because you expect me to be up for a Nobel prize right? Right.

So AD, go ahead and hit the snooze button and rest assured. Or hit the snooze button and lounge in bed in your pj’s, watching The View, and wondering if you really could get off on Joy Behar. Now THAT’s charity.

AH, Ft Stockton

What’s a girl to do? Well, honesty is a GREAT start. Just be honest to your groom-to-be. Tell him straight up “Look… I love you and all, but there is some FREAKY shit I like to do and I need to know I can still do that.” Then you go and make some retarded-ass promise to him about how your love will always be pure, he’ll have your heart, blah blah blah. That last part, skip that. Seriously. Don’t treat him like he’s a moron. If you tell him that you need the freedom to be able to go have a nice freaky-sex session involving candles, blindfolds, swim fins, an EZ Bake Oven, and a gallon of sealant, and he still agrees to marry you… you’re in. That’s all there is to it. Hell, maybe HE might be wanting some freedom of his own. Ever think of that?

You do say, however, that you have cold feet. So what’s the deal here really? Do you not want to be married? Did you say yes after this guy made some empassioned plea? Oh my god… this is a Guilt-ing isn’t it? You know, the horrible combination of Guilt and a Wedding? Christ, EJECT! Eject eject eject! Get outta there Goose! (I actually deleted a reference to “Danger Zone”… you’re welcome. -ed) There is absolutely nothing worse than entering into a semi-binding legal agreement with another human being based purely on the fact that you don’t have the spine to crust their will to live by saying “No.”  So if this is the case, break it off now. In fact, be inventive.. break it off via a video of you doing someone else! “Look.. it’s just not wor.. wo.. oh my god.. worKING!!”

This post brought to you by the fact that I am a total prick…

I’m a lesbian. At least, I thought I was a lesbian. My best friend is this guy I just met when I started this job, about two years ago. Everything’s been ok up until the last 6 months. I can’t stop thinking about him. And now I think I’m in love with him. What do I do? And no, I don’t have a partner right now, I’m single.

AM, Scranton

You know, AM, it’s times like this that I absolutely love my job.

There’s only one answer here. FUCK HIM. Seriously. Why do you care about your orientation? Think you’re a lesbian but want a good dickin’? Then you’re bisexual, congratulations. Now shut up and get laid. Do you feel some sort of obligation to keep wanting to be anti-wiener? If so, why? It’s not like all the lesbians out there have some rule book that says “once you go pink, you’re fucking locked into this decision until the end of your life” (worst slogan ever -ed). At least, the lesbians I talk to don’t. So you really shouldn’t care either.

There is one thing you probably want to change though. Using the word “partner.” Honestly people, just call them what they are. If you’re a lesbian, then she’s your Girlfriend, or your Wife. Are you a gay dude? Boyfriend or Husband. That’s probably the one thing that drives me absolutely batshit crazy about some of the gay folks. Other than that, y’all are cool. Especially the hot lesbian couples. *mmmmmm* Hot Lesbians (best band name EVAR -ed).

So, in short, enjoy the dick. And if his name is Richard, call him Dick.

Penis.

So ther’s this girl I’m dating. Actually, we’re not dating anymore. But neither of us wants to leave the apartment. We spent months finding this place and it’s perfect. Apartments in this town are harder than shit to find, so I don’t know what to do. Any ideas here from the Deviant folks?

- FD, Manhattan

FD, it takes some serious stones to actually stay with a woman you profess to not like. Unless you all are actually in some sort of wierd FWB situation, then I guess that’s ok.

But, if you can’t stand her and you’re staying for just the apartment, then you’re a total moron. Seriously, Man up Nancy. Either pack your shit and go, or else change the locks on the skank while she’s at work (before she does it to you). Still having trouble deciding? Then look at it this way: who makes more money? If you bring home the bacon, then boot her ass at the first opportunity. If she’s the money-bringer, then get out while you can and let her deal with the mess. Unless you two did some stupid shit and decided only one of you needed to be on the lease. then whoever has the lease gets to keep it. Hopefully you or her weren’t that ignorant of reality (aren’t we doing that though? -ed).

But I can imagine you don’t want to figure it out on your own. That’s why you write in. So here’s how it’s going to go down… and bear in mind that I’m assuming you are both on the lease.

One day, you’re going to stay home when she goes to work. Or else you’re going to go, but then come back after a few moments and pretty much box up all of her crap, change the locks, and let nature take its course. If you’ve been put through the hell of  a bad breakup (this is sounding like a movie, you know.. -ed), then it’s only right.

So there. Oh yeah, pee on something of hers as well and bury it in a box. Trust me, it makes it that much sweeter.

I want to unfollow my best friend because his tweets are just not funny. Does this make me a bad person?

- BF, Lexington

Ahh technology and friendship. Two things that invariably collide and cause untold amounts of chaos and destruction. I always love these moments.

BF, do it. Pull the trigger and kill the Twitter relationship. After all, it’s not like it’s a major part of the friendship, or is it? If this friend freaks out over the loss of some random (well, not so random, but I digress -you always do -ed) cyber-stalker, then there’s some major issues that need to be worked out at some point before they decide to climb up into a bell tower with a rifle and a box of Slim Jims (oooooyeah! -ed). If they get all huffy and ask why, you have two choices; honesty, or kindness. Honesty (because you’re an unfunny twat, ok?) is going to be tougher than kindness (we talk every day already). so my advice here is to just be kind. Cut the virtual cord and go on about your life. If they persist in bugging you, then just add them back and then quietly block them and call it a day. After all, lies are part of what makes a friendship work anyways.

I fear I will be single forever because I have issues with love and intimacy. Do you think that watching porn does this to me?

- DM, Madison

Well DM, it’s like this.

Yes.

Nonono. That’s not right. Has porn done that to you? Are you insane? Retarded? Seriously. What has porn done for you other than get you off? Nothing. Nothing at all. If you have issues with intimacy, it’s just because you have issues in general and watching some girl blow a guy through a picket fence in an attempt to cure his raging erection so that he can free himself from the fence-bondage and go back into the house in order to resume pleasing his well-hung boyfriend isn’t really going to do much for that (wtf.. -ed). All it’s going to is remind you that, well, you can’t get laid.

So what to do? Honestly, go out and get your heart stomped on. The only real way to get over intimacy issues is to treat it like a bandaid. Just rip that sucker and get over the 3 seconds of blinding pain. After that, it gets pretty easy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I have a fence to mend…

So I’m in love wiht this guy, but he’s just so……… he’s not manly enough really. I love him allot and I could totally marry him, but I know he won’t ask me cuz he’s not really manly. He likes to talk about poetry and flowers and going on nature walks and stuff. Sometimes I wish he would just throw me on the bed and get freaky with me, you know? LOL. I’m not into anything crazy, but I really wish he’d do something other than finger me a whole bunch and then finish up with normal sex. DA, what can I do?

- DD, Chanute

I don’t even know where to start off with this. Oh wait, yes I do.

Congratulations, you’re a beard. Not sure what that is? Well, let’s let the folks over at Urban Dictionary take a crack at it:

And DD, that’s YOU. Let me explain just how I figured this out.

1. “I’m in love with this guy, but…” pretty much tells me you aren’t actually in love with this guy. He just happens to be filling a need at the moment.
2. “At the moment” also tends to be your vagina on occasion.
3. The fact that sex with him is mostly him fingering you and then somewhat grunting a few times inside of you implies either you’re disgusting on some level (possible) or he’s gay (probable)
4. Poetry + Flowers + Nature Walks – Oral Sex = he’s gay sweetie. He’s probably gayer than gay. In fact, even Richard Simmons would go “Damn. He’s gay.”

Now, don’t be sad. It could be worse. I don’t know how, but I’m sure it could be worse. Oh wait. I know. You could be totally playing the part of the young Ryan Reynolds character in “Best Friends.” Yow him, that fat kid with the retainer who loved his BFF so much and wanted to cram his sausage fingers into her pep squad poon but she never would even notice his advances until later on he becomes insanely rich and successful and then he finds her in a local dive bar and realizes that her life went to crap while he worked hard on his and then he’s a jerk to her and she calls him on it and then, eventually, they get together and it all ends out well. Yeah. That could be you. So the moral here is don’t be Ryan Reynolds. Or fat. Or hit on your best friend. Scratch that, just don’t be Ryan Reynolds.

So yes. You are a beard. It’s going to suck, but it’s got some upsides. If you just let him gay it on up you’ll have unlimited access to gay male porn. From my extensive research (translation: asking me -ed), I’ve discovered that straight women LOVE teh gay porns (which I don’t -ed). So if you’re like a normal straight woman, then you have live porn just waiting to be had in front of you. So go for that.

Second, this guy’s gay and they are just SUPER popular right now because most of the country still has no clue that being gay means nothing. People still assume it’s some exotic personality quirk and just go nuts over it and that both confuses and amuses gay folks to no end.  So finding out that you are in direct contact with one? Pure. Win. Seriously. Granted, after about two weeks of these people going gaga, you’re going to want to murder all of them, but cross that bridge when you come to it ok?

Third, he’s touching you. So maybe he’s at least bi. “Half of something is better than all of nothing” and all that, you know?

Super!

If you’r ereading this through the RSS feed, then stop on by the newly-decorated DeviantAdvice.com. New theme, added the original logo back. We’re starting to look like a real website. Go us! Well, go me since it’s just me and all.

Come by today!

I actually got up off my ass this weekend and set up a contact form. I even tested it and it works! So now it’s even easier to send me requests. So send one in today!

BTW: the form DOES ask for your email. This is for contact purposes only in case I need clarification. I don’t sell addresses or anything like that. I don’t send out email blasts either. If you want to keep up with us, feel free to hit our Twitter feed. Thanks much!

Help me please! I’m at the end of my rope here. My boyfriend is absolutely obsessed and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s World of Warcraft that he’s obsessed with. He’s playing the stupid game CONSTANTLY. It’s like he’s living out a second life in there and I don’t. I tried to play a couple of times, but I could care less about Night Zombies or Undead Bulls or whatever it is. I don’t understand why he’s so into this game and not, say, me. I bet you guys know what I’m talking about, right?

-SC, Topeka

I think we can just stop right here…

Let me be clear. I’m goddam pissed off. What’s with this stupid “Princess” bullshit? Even my girlfriend is into it. She always calls herself “Princess” and has the “Stop for the Princess” license plate thing. She always makes these jokes about how I’m her servant and such. What the hell? Do I dare stand up and remind her that Princesses were subservient to their princes? Do I just grin and bear it? I’m about ready to dethrone her!

- VK, Jonesboro

Honestly VK, we’re not totally sure about it ourselves. Frankly, we think it’s just a selfish thing that we can probably trace back to Oprah (don’t you blame her for everything anyways? – ed), or someone. Hell if we know, but we agree it’s damn stupid. We do have a theory though, and it goes like this…

Your girlfriend was probably told by either her drunk Mom or her emotionally-retarded Dad that, by golly, she was special. She was more than the girl who was likely raised in a mobile home park somewhere in the South. In fact, they probably told her that the world was hers for the taking and that should could be anything she wanted. She could be a model, the President, an astronaut, or anything she could imagine. So she took this to heart as a child and thought “hey. I could even be a Princess” (despite having no lands or title, but hey…). Of course, eventually the harsh grip of reality took hold and she realized what being a Princess meant and realized that it wasn’t in the cards for her. So she put the thought away and went on about adulthood. Well, then she hits some strange second adolescence. Suddenly she thought “Hey, so I can’t be a real Princess,  but I can act like one and it’ll be cute.” So she just cutes it up and starts dazzling people (that’d be you, by the way) with her “charm.”

Son, you’re dating Britney Spears.. run.

So maybe I’m just strange, but my girlfriend and I are… I think we’re growing apart. I love her totally and we’re even talking about moving to California to get married. Well, we were at least. Anyways, so we really love each, or so I thought. I came in one day and she’s watching porn, HET PORN. Some guy and some girl having sex. She always told me she was just into girls and didn’t like men at all, but now this? What’s the deal? Is she really straight? Is she bi? I don’t know what’s going on.

- SA, Houston

Well SA, I really don’t envy your position at all. I mean, you all have read to access to both watch AND make lesbian portn. Do either of you realize what you’re sitting on there? I mean, if you’re hot then holy SHIT you could be making BANK! But no… you sound like someone who believes in silly things like “love” and “honesty” and “telling people your real last name.” All great concepts that don’t work out in real life anyways (you mean your last name isn’t Schwarzendepp? -ed), so why not just abandon that now and save yourself some crap later.

So is she bi? Straight? Gay? Honestly, who cares. As long as she still gives you the good lezbo love, then it’s all good right? Of course it is! So why not USE it. She likes watching het porn, then fire it up on occasion. It’s not like it’s JUST about you, ya know? So maybe she needs a little dick in her oatmeal (wtf? I’m checking your browser history -ed) on occasion, it’s not like it’s going to kill you. So don’t be afraid to get your freak on and watch some hot 19-year old destroy her hopes, dreams, morals, cervix for $350/day. Trust me, every now and again me and the girlfriend fire up a little crazy stuff (penguins aren’t erotic.. they simply aren’t, stop it! -ed) and let our imaginations run free. I don’t feel any different towards her and she doesn’t feel different towards me. Sure, she cries more often, but that’s normal right?

I feel so bad. Years ago I lost the man who I loved so much because I couldn’t stop being selfish. Now he’s gone forever and I don’t know what to do so that I can move on. It hurts to know that I made such a mistake. How do I fix this?

- DC, Burlington

Oh wow DC. Now that’s a situation you got there. They say that time heals all wounds and, certainly, time shall heal yours. That said, it sounds like there’s some key lessons you can glean from this.

1) Selfishness… glad you figured out that you were selfish. It’s best if you involve the other partner in your relationship instead of just treating it like some emotional land-grab, so good for you for getting your head out of your ass.

2) Loss… it’s good that you know you lost him forever. Maybe next time you’ll actually participate in the relationship, which always helps.

3) Fixing it… you can’t. You fucked up and now it’s too late. Just try to keep the points where you screwed up in mind and don’t duplicate those mistakes. It’s pretty damn simple, really.

And that’s the biggest piece of advice I can give you here. Realize you fucked up don’t repeat the same fuck-ups and you’ll be good.

Ok. This is embarassing. My boyfriend totally wants to be one of those UFC/MMA fighters. He “trains” all the time and talks about entering the local fights here, but he never does. It’s good though, because he’d get his ass kicked in seconds. I really do want him to be happy, but I also want him to realize that he really can’t make this work. Deviant Advice, how do I break this news to him?

- CH, Ann Arbor

Well CH, we here at Deviant Advice think you’re absolutely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You should go the other way and heavily encourage your boyfriend to get into the octagon as soon as he can. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, yeah… there’s that whole “get the crap beat out of you and be embarassed in front of everyone you know” thing, but that’s small potatoes compared to the knowledge that you actually went out and went after something you totally believed in.  Of course, the fact that the “something” involves you getting the crap kicked out of you just makes it more entertaining beause we all get to watch you fail as it happens. It’s wonderful really and, frankly, helps us feel better about the kinds of people we are… which is Horrible People.

So CH, get behind me and encourage him. Tell him that he has what it takes to get out there and spar with that lanky meth-head who’s known to occasionally fight people for a sandwich. You don’t need the skills of Tito Ortiz, Georges St Pierre, or even Chuck Liddell. All you need is heart.

And one HELL of an insurance plan.

Let’s get it on!!

I have a lot of vision for the site and one of those is to make it into a great destination that people love to come to (not to mention love to advertise on!). In trying to figure out just how I’m going to do this, I’ve considered several options, but the one that makes the most sense is to make it more interactive through you all.

In the coming months, I will be examining various ways to get you all in on the excitement. At the moment, I currently have a DISQUS comment system in place and run the site on WordPress. I think it’s a great combination, but I’m not entirely certain that it will suit my needs of being able to allow you all to post advice requests and allow folks to answer those requests. Of course, I’m always happy to get suggestions as the site is built to entertain you all, so it needs to reflect you all.

That’s it for now. Thanks for being a reader and I hope you’re having a Deviant Day!

She’s about to get married and it’s to the WRONG GUY. He’s AWFUL. He treats her like crap, but she doesn’t see it. Last time we all went out for “girl’s night out” he texted her like a million times to see what she was doing. If she didn’t text back fast enough for him, he’d call her and ask her what she was doing, if she was drunk, and other stuff. He’s a control freak and I think that her marrying him is wrong. What do I do Deviants? Do I let her do this, or do I stand up when the preacherman says “If anyone objects…” Help help help!

- MR, Puyallup

Well MR, you’ve got quite the dilemma there. Thankfully, we’ve got a great solution for you and it goes a little somethin like this:

Mind your own damn business.

Nonono, we kid, we kid. Honestly, it’s great that you really want to stand up for your friend and be there for her, but you’re really gonna have to just let this go and wait for the whole thing to fuck up on its own. Sure, it’s going to suck a whole bunch for you since you have to watch your friend go through some miserable hell for God only knows how long, but you’re just gonna have to man up about this one and let it go. And here’s why.

Your friend gets this craptacular treatment from this guy right? Well, she’s either 1) retarded or 2) ok with it since he fulfills some need for her. I’m guessing it’s 2 since most state agencies don’t clear retards to marry all that often (despite what “Life Goes On” attempted to teach you). So let’s go down this road. She’s managed to find some measure of happiness with this jackass, enough to make her look past his jackassery (I should have never let you go to Mexico, now all you talk about are donkeys -ed) and go “sure, I can marry this guy.” So she decides to go through with it and, in her world, all is well cause she’s got a potential husband. So then you come boppin along on her special day and decide that, in a dashing show of heroism, you’re going to save her. So now the entire wedding party is looking at you and not her and, for extra fun, you come off like a screeching harpy who’s pissed that your friend is getting married. Besides, the only thing that’s really gonna happen when you stand up is that someone -quite possibly the minister- is just going to tell you to STFU and sit your meddling ass down. Net effect: zilch.

Now you got a friend who thought she was getting hitched, now has this interruption, and you’re there looking like a fool. Since you don’t like this guy (and something tells me that it’s a mutual dislike) you’ve just handed him enough ammo to prevent her from seeing you until we have a black Presi… er,  until the next time Haley’s Comet comes around. So this isn’t your best move.  If you want to save her, you’re going to have to let her fall on her ass.

Now, this whole thing is wrong if this guy abuses her physically. If that’s the case, then you really don’t need to be standing up in the middle of a wedding. You need to be calling the police if you actually witness it happening, or else encourage her to call the police. However, if it’s just that you feel he’s a bad match for her, then you really need to just chill out and let her figure that out on her own.

Like we said: “Mind your own damn business.”

This is so hard for me. I just realized that I want to move to someplace other than where I live. I’ve lived in this town my whole entire life and want something else. But I don’t want to leave my friends and family. I’m so scared, what do I do?”

- ER, Tyler

Well ER, it’s like this… move.

Sure, you’re scared, it’s understandable. But you’ve got to really take a chance and just get out there in the world. Go have a grand adventure and live it up. Go out and take chances, get hurt, hate humanity, consider selling your blood to make rent this month. Life has a lot of interesting sides to it and, well, you should experience as many of them as possible so that it rounds you out as a person.

Yup, you’re gonna be far far away from everything you’ve ever know and, well, you’ll get over that pretty quick. Moving can be a liberating experience and can really open the world up to you. Or else it will knock you down, steal your wallet, and then post that picture of your girlfriend that you keep in there on the Internet. You know the one, that pic of her at the petting zoo and (edited because, dammit, you said there wasn’t any film in there -ed). Life is good and bad, that’s the reality. So pull up stakes, hitch up your wagon (you’re from Texas, that has to mean something to you), and hit the trail to something new and exciting. If you get a chance, drop us a comment on this entry and let us know how you’re doing.

Here’s my situation.  I love my girl. Love her to death. We have a lot of fun together and she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. What makes it fun is that she’s a bit freaky and she likes to do some crazy stuff. We’ve talked about threesomes, but she seems shy about it. I told her that I’m cool if she wants to hook up with other people, but she always says she doesn’t want to.

So then we come to a couple weeks ago. We’re hangin out with our friends and she gets a bit tipsy and, next thing I know, she’s all over some other girl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m lovin it… but what do I do? She says she’s nervous, then does this. Is she just tryin’ to have her cake and eat it too? Should I worry? What’s up?”

- EE, Reno

Well EE, it’s like this… you want her to be freaky and multi-freaky with you. I totally respect that, especially as I’m hoping for the same thing with Mrs DeviantAdvice (we discussed it, I’m not wearing the Kermit costume -ed). You’ve also made the intention known and have even given her the go-ahead to try it solo. So why are you writing us?

Oh. Because she took you up on your offer. Ok sure, that’s a bit strange, but it’s to be expected. Maybe she wants to try it alone a few times to really get the vibe down and see what it’s like. After all, girls are all emotional and stuff. They can’t just get freaky, they gotta feel freaky too. I’m not sure why it is, but it is how it is and that’s all there is to it. So let her go. Let her get her freak going and just enjoy it. If you’re cool about it, eventually she’ll bring you into the festivities and all will be well again. It’s that simple.

Here’s what we want to know… why are there no pictures?

For starters, I’m 25, male, and a virgin. I’ve never been with a girl and I really want to be. I just get scarred though and have a hard time talking to girls. I go out to the bars with my friends and they try to help but it doesn’t work at all. I just keep getting shy and nothing happens. I really hate that all my friends hook up except for me. Help me Deviant Advice, you’re my only hope! (sort of like Obi Wan! LOL).

-XN, Knoxville

Well XN, this is probably going to take some time, but I think that we might be able to help. However, it’s going to take some work from you. No, strike that, it’s going to take a LOT of work from you and time’s a-wastin, so let’s get to it!

First off, you need to change your entire mindset on this one. You have to think like a winner and then act on it. Just going to the bar, sipping some mug of whatever’s cheap isn’t cutting it. You’re going to have to go get so off your tits (why do you write during soccer? -ed) that you won’t care if you get shot down by every drunk skank there and, honestly, it’s gonna happen. You’re going to ask a LOT of women to fuck you and you’re going to absolutely fuck it up by telling them you’re a virgin, so just work it out of your system as quickly as possible so that you can actually get on with getting deflowered.

Oh what’s that? You want romance? No, skip it. It’s dead. You’re a 25 year old guy, not a 13 year old GIRL ok, so man up Nancy. You’re next step is to actually pick out your first conquest and, frankly, beggars can’t be choosers my man. See that lady over there? Yup, the one that pretty much screams “SLUT.” That’s your target bub and you might as well just reconcile the fact that 1) she’s your best/only hope, 2) she’s going to do some freaky-ass shit to you that, well, you won’t recover from, and 3) you’re going to be a moron and fall in love with her and, well, she’s going to forget your name the instant you tell her. You think this won’t happen to you? Well, you’re writing to US aren’t you? That’s what we thought.

So let’s recap… you, drunk, hook up with the slut, stop quoting fucking “Star Wars” ok?

No doubt, you’ve probably noticed that there’s been some changes to the site lately. Well, we decided that going with Wordpress made more sense than Blogger, mostly due to the fact that we wanted more finite control of the site. Nothing against Blogger though, it’s a great platform.

We’ve also added in the DISQUS comment system. We decided to go with DISQUS since it’s a great system and actually reduces some of the load on our site since it won’t have to constantly paginate comments. We also did it because people are wanting to have things centralized and comments are fast-becoming part of that list. For the time being we are allowing people to post without having accounts at DISQUS, but we’re pretty sure that this will change. You’re welcome to sign up at DISQUS of course, but it’s not necessary at this time.

Of course, we’re still using Twitter for article announcements, so feel free to follow us and get the latest as it happens.

Finally, we are considering using FeedBurner to reburn our feeds. Mostly this is to get an idea of how many subscribers we have, but we’re not 100% committed to this idea just yet. We’ll let you know.

And that’s about it for now. We’re still working on some content and, as always, encourage you to Write Us.

My hubby is a great guy. I love him to death and that may be in the next week. He’s seriously into all of these ‘ghost’ shows. It drives me up the wall because I scare easily. So he watches these stupid things all night (our DVR is crammed full of them) and then we go to bed and I can’t sleep. I’m jumping at every sound, which is a lot since we have a restless dog in the house. I try to tell him that it scares me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m about ready to turn HIM into a ghost, so how about some help here?”

-SG, New Orleans

Well SG, sounds to us like hubby needs a dose of reailty.

Let’s be honest, ghost shows work because they scare the beejbus out of us. Most of us like to be scared out of our wits because it’s visceral and fun since it engages that whole “fight or flight” thing that scientists like to talk about. It kicks in endorphins and makes us into loopy idiots; so yeah, it’s pretty damn fun.

And then you turn 10 and realize that it’s all crap. Oh what’s that? It’s true? Ok genius, then explain something to me… why are there no “ghost pets?” Seriously. You see all manner of crazy shit, but you pretty much never see anything other than displaced humans who need some sort of after-life GPS unit. It’s always “hello, am I talking to {long-lost gramma/grampa/batshit crazy uncle}?” You never hear them hauling out “here boy.. come fetch the ouija board.. c’mere boy {whistle}!” Why is that? Seriously. Can someone actually explain to me in reasonable terms why that doesn’t happen? Do animals not have souls? Are animals just THAT much more in tune with whatever the hell goes on after this life? Nope, it’s just that the idea of “ghosts” is a crock of crap. Anyone who tries to argue that it’s real pretty much deserves to be punched square in the head, your darling hubby included. People, it’s not real.

And don’t even get us started on those “omg, I tooks me a picture of a ghost!!” retards. I once had the unfortunate luck of running into one of these kooks who says they caught a pic of their daughter coming into the house and she was just “surrounded by extoplasm” (seriously, EXTOplasm…) which later on translated into god’s love or some sort of etheral bukkake, I can’t recall which. Anywho, I quickly figured this might be slightly hard to believe because 1) why are there spirits haunting a goddam mobile home in the middle of nowhere? and 2) everyone in the house chain-smokes. Of course, this was refuted instantly, but I find it suspect since these inbreds were the kind who lit a new cigarette from the last gasp of an old one. But what the hell do I know? All I really learned was that these people really believed and -oddly- not fans of The X-Files.. go fig.

Of course, these ghost hunting shows may be on to something. They haul out an epic amount of random gear (heat sensors, high-end cameras, pics of your mom) and proceed to set them up everywhere so that they can capture “evidence” of a haunting. So then they camp out, wander whatever building they’re “investigating” and have some insane experience, pack up, and leave. And somewhere along the line someone actually pays these clowns enough money to where they no longer need day jobs. So maybe there’s something to it after all….

So, in conclusion, your hubby’s a moron, ghosts aren’t real, and that little girl from Poultergeists still scares the piss out of me… but the dude peeling his face was cool. (such a boy! -ed)

-AG, St Louis

Well AG. You’ve certainly come to the right place. Emo? We hate that shit too. So let’s take your son by the hand, look tenderly into his eyes, and let him know that he’s a douche. So sit him down in front of the screen, tell him to read this, and walk out of the room. We’ll take it from here.

Ok. He gone? Great.

Look. We all agree here that emo is whiny-ass shitbag music. It’s a bunch of disenfranchised punks who’ve probably had an easy life and don’t know what to rebel against, so they just sing about.. well.. fuck if we know what the hell they sing about. All we know is the little shits just play god-awful music and cry a whole lot. That said, go ahead and listen to it.

What’s that? Thought we were going to come down on you? Thought were going to tell you that you’re pathetic? No no, not at all. Well, you are pathetic, you’re also still a freaking kid. We know that NO ONE likes emo music for any reason. The only like it because it pisses off other people and that’s why you listen to it. You know it pisses off your parents, so you cling to it like it’s the last salvation for humanity. We know what’s up and we also know that trying to get you to stop only makes you want to listen to it more. So why waste time? Besides, we figure that letting you burn yourself out on this shit is going to be WAY more effective than telling you that you can’t listen to it. So go ahead and cram your ipod full of whatever the latest sad-craze is and gorge yourself. Eventually you’ll realize that it’s just a thousand bands singing the same 4 fucked up songs anyways:

1) I’m lonely because I’m misunderstood
2) I’m lonely because I don’t know how to love
3)I’m lonely because I got my ass dumped
4) I’m not Morrissey

In fact, pretty much EVERY emo song/band that comes out now a days pretty much falls under number 4. Or if you’re “hard core,” then you’re pissed because you aren’t Nick Cave. Either way, both of them grew the fuck up and decided to be adults about their shit and, one day, you will too. So, like we said, go for it. And don’t stop updating your weak-ass livejournal/blogger/xanga/whatever-it-is with your horrible poetry too. Just be sure to save it since, one day, you’ll be all growed up and can look back and realize what a whiny douche you were.

So that’s it really. Now stop cutting yourself and go cut the lawn, or let it listen to some of your music so it -hopefully- cuts itself.

(Listen no one likes that damn music. I got billy goats that make a more pleasant noise. As far as your boy is concerned a good swift kick in the ass does wonders,and so does Military school it’s hard to be a big whiny pussbag with a combat boot stuck in your ass. Like granddad always said spare the rod and beat the little bastard with your fists. -Mak)

So there’s this girl I work with who I’m gettin some serious feelings for. She’s cute, but we don’t really talk much and that bugs me because she totally sets off my radar. You know what I’m talking about here. She’s gotta be a freak, or something. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that we work together and I should probably lay off shopping at the company store, but this is driving me nuts. I gotta know, but I dunno how to bring this up to her. I can’t just flop down a carrot and a doughnut and see which one she goes for first, you know? So let’s get some Deviant perspective on this eh?”

-JR, Bridgeport

Alrighty JR. Honestly, we absolutely LOVE topics like this. You see, here at DeviantAdvice, a job qualification is good FreakDar (you know, Freaky Radar). In order to be part of our staff, you gotta be able to spot your fellow deviants out in a crowd (or the occasional police lineup -ed). So refining this skill is an absolute necessity. And bear in mind, it is a skill. This isn’t a gift or some magical power bestowed upon you, it’s a skill that even the most wayward jackass can learn. And here we go…

Step 1) Pay attention. Do you sit by her? If so, then you can eavesdrop a bit and get an idea of what you’re looking to know. Don’t be obvious about it, of course, but at least put some effort towards keeping one ear towards her side of the playing field. And “pay attention” means to pay CAREFUL attention. You have to learn how to get down every detail. That leads us right into step 2.

Step 2) Take notes. No, Poindexter, don’t keep one of those little notebooks handy. You’re lookin to bang a coworker, not solve a mystery here. Plus it’s going to be pretty obvious when she notices this pad of paper coming out at random moments. So go with Plan B and use your computer. If on Windows, fire up Notepad or else keep the occasional tab in Outlook. There’s lots of ways to gather info and store it, you just have to be discrete. If you lack this ability, then you sure as shit better have a good memory. And sure, some folks will say this is stalker-like behavior, but to hell with them. They aren’t trying to score a piece of fellow corporate ass… or maybe they’ve already tried and failed.

Step 3) Organize. All of your information is pointless if it’s just a massive jumble of crap. Sort your information into something meaningful because you, my friend, need a plan.

Step 4) Plan and Execute. So you’ve got your information and you think you know what’s up. Now’s the time to start moving things from theory to -if you’re damn lucky- practice. The reason you want to plan a lot is you want this to be smooth. You can’t just drop in out of nowhere with “you know, I read this GREAT article about butt-sex” (they aren’t all pimping for you -ed), you have to work up to it. You need to start small, just ask about their day-to-day life and try to steer the conversation in the direction of where you want to go. Wanna know if she’s dating? Then listen for “we” type statements. Or if she mentions going out to do stuff, try to say “oh, you and your ?” Of course, you’re writing in to ask how to figure out she’s a freak. Well, if she is, she’s going to talk about it. Maybe not right up front, but she’s going to mention it and it’s highly likely that she’s just waiting for you to open that door. So fucking OPEN it.. but slowly. Start off with something like “I bet you have some crazy stories to tell,” or else “I bet you’re an adventurous type, aren’t you?” Take it slow and small and let her set the pace and tone. That all leads to…

Step 5) Seal the Deal. Once you’ve got her opening up and her freakiness confirmed, all bets are off and you’re free to kick it into high gear. As long as you’ve followed steps 1 through 4, step 5 should pretty much take care of itself. You can thank us in the morning, after breakfast and the post-breakfast freak-fest.

(If all else fails a rooficolada and an empty supply closet can work wonders. Like granddad said “No just means you need to give her something stronger to drink” – Mak)

So here’s my situation. I’m a guy. I’m 18 years old. And I think I’m gay. I’m really scared to tell anyone because I think people around me in this stupid town hate gays like me. I want to tell my parents, but I think they’ll be disappointed. I know my dad is real proud that I’m doing work-study at a local mechanic’s garage and my mom’s proud my grades are good, so I don’t want them to think that I’m going to change. I want to tell my friends, but I’m afraid they won’t be my friends anymore. I know you guys tend to joke around there at DEviantAdvice, but I need serious advice. I’m seriously scared.”

-GG, Gulfport

Alright GG. You asked for serious advice and you’ve got a serious subject. Let’s do this..

The first thing you need to do is take a deep, cleansing breath. Just expand your lungs, hold it, breathe out, relax. Do it a couple times to steady yourself. Got it? Great.

Now, get the fuck over yourself. Seriously. Are you even aware that it’s 2008? Gay folks are enjoying better times now than in the past. So it’s not like we’re still conducting mass witch-hunts looking for Teh GHEY FOLKS!!! OMG!!!! TEH AIDS!!!! No no, it’s not like that at all. Sure, maybe it is in your world, but most of the rest of the world -and DeviantAdvice is included- could give a shit less that you’re gay. So take a few moments and let that paragraph sink in.

Ok. Harsh right? Absolutely. But you need to understand a few truths in this world. You are not that unique. Sure, you’re probably a pretty decent human being (unless you’ve killed in cold blood, burnt down the rainforest, or actually watch that stupid dance crew show on MTV), but you just aren’t that remarkable. Yes, you’re gay. And that’s the extent of it. It’s not like you have super powers now or anything else, you’re just some guy who gets off on/with other guys. And that’s damned ok in the greater scheme of life. So let’s tackle some of your issues and get past them.

Parents. Always a toughie there, unless your parents are hippies. Then you can pretty much do anything and they’re ok with it. Most other non-hippie parents worry about their kids turning out gay for a couple of reasons:

• 1) they really don’t like you to grow up in any real fashion. Being gay (just like being straight) means you’re about to start dating and falling in love and exploring new feelings and, ultimately, getting your heart ripped-out by some uncaring monster of a human who mostly just wanted you around because they were bored. Your parents don’t want their little angel getting his heart crushed and that’s the extent of it. Of course, your intention is to, eventually, do the exact opposite and get into some stupid relationship that is based more on sex than love. The only benefit your being gay has is that you’re less likely to knock up some neighbor girl. The downside is that -if you aren’t- you’re going to date someone who’s exuberantly gay, by which we mean fucking annoying. If you’re straight, it’s a cheerleader. If you’re gay… well, it’s still a cheerleader. Rah rah go fuck yourself.
• 2) People without kids tend to tease gay people because they -the folks without kids- are empty-headed morons. Your parents know the world is tough and they want to spare you as much as they can. Unfortunately, being gay still has a slight stigma to it, so it can make things worse. However, at some point they just have to deal with the reality that you’re going to get completely screwed by life in some way. Might as well get it going now while you’re still in school.

So telling the parents can be a complicated and tricky issue. That said, here’s a pretty simple method: just fucking tell them. Don’t line it up with “I feel horrible” or “I know this is hard” or anything else. Don’t treat being gay like a condition. Basically just be calm with them, let em know, and move on. When (not if.. WHEN) they react, listen carefully and compassionately, acknowledge their (valid) concerns, and try to talk to them about this. They’re going to be scared FOR you, not OF you. Just remind them that you know the consequences here and blah blah blah. Treat them like normal humans and they’ll probably be just fine. If they flake out on you, threaten to kick you out, etc.. well, then life has dealt you a pretty tough hand there, so you might want to find a sympathetic relative or friend who can help you ride out the storm. Most parents aren’t morons (altho some….), so by treating them like humans, you’re likely to have this part go well.

Your friends are another issue altogether. Honestly, most of them probably already know (just like your parents), so telling them will mostly get you a “duh” type of response. If the “friend” gives you anything other than encouragement… well, now you know who is and isn’t your friend. Don’t cut them out of the picture entirely, just limit activities with them until they realize what a dink they’ve been and finally just accept you for you. If they’re truly a friend, this will happen, it’s just going to take time. Let them have it and let them come to you and it’ll all be smooth in the end (clever… -ed).

Of course, in any situation there are also things you should NOT do. Let’s hit those…

1) do NOT announce your homosexuality to the general public before everyone else. Honestly, this is tacky, stupid, and is going to just get your parents (who are VERY important folks, after all) pissed at you because their worst fears will start running to the forefront. No, not that you’re gay, but that some jackass is waiting to stab you in the kidneys because you are. So tell your parents, then your friends, then fucking YouTube that shit if you want.

2) for the love of fuck, dress like a human being. I love seeing gay “pride” parades where two guys decide the best way to show “pride” is to walk down the street in short-shorts, combat boots, and fairy wings. Yes, I understand that they’re trying to show just how insanely idiotic the insult of “fairy” is, but it’s still idiotic. If a demonstration of pride involves you dressing only slightly less offensively than Britney Spears, then you have greater issues than pride. You’re a moron.

3) please don’t use the word “queer” in any way shape or form. You aren’t queer, you’re gay. Yes, you can cite the whole “taking it back” argument if you would like, but let’s look at how well it worked for blacks and the whole “nigger” thing.

4) don’t be bi unless you’re a hot chick. Bi dudes are creepy.

And that’s really about it. As a human being, you’re going to be inclined to do stupid shit. As a GAY human being, your stupid shit will be only slightly different (you’ll watch reruns of “Will and Grace” instead of “Spin City,” you’ll think IKEA is tacky, etc). The best thing to do is just embrace that you’re a gay human who’s going to do some pretty retarded crap and just move on with your life.

Above all, just BE yourself. Seriously. Don’t bury it under 400 layers of random bullshit that makes no fucking sense. Don’t go out thinking you’re going to be the best goddam homo out there; go out intent on just being the best person YOU can be. You’ll do fine and the world won’t rip itself apart cause you like taking it in the butt. If anything goes horrifically wrong, just shoot us an email here (deviantadvice@endlessmonkeys.com) and we’ll do our best to help you out further.

ps: if you see Bobby Trendy, please slap that fucker. Thanks. We don’t hate him cause he’s gay, we just hate him cause he’s pretentious and, unfortunately, dresses better than us (me included and I’m a chick! -ed).

pss: if you have any hot, lesbian friends… well.. VIDEO ok? Thanks. 

- TM, Newberg

Oh wow, you got quite the conundrum there doncha? Well, let’s see what we can do to help.

You want a job where you don’t really interract with folks a bunch? Well, give up on that. Even if you find some place where you don’t deal with customers all day, then you’re probably going to wind up somewhere that has you working an internal support position and your coworkers will suddenly be your “customers” or “clients” or whatever the hell the latest corporate speak is for “the retards that you deal with on a daily basis.” So you’re always going to have to interract with people.

And even if it’s not customers/clients, then you’re likely going to have to deal with coworkers, including that one jackass. You know the one I’m talking about. That dimwitted moron who feels compell to document every waking moment of their insipid life and then go assault everyone’s desk with “look! pictures!” Seriously, wtf is up with that asshole? I don’t care that you got a new dog/cat/fruitbat/car/boat/surgical procedure. Stay the hell away from me with your pictures. They suck. The fact that you have a digital camera is an affront to both photography and decency and you need to be shot. Of course, there’s also the office-forwarder. Probably the worst human you will ever deal with. They feel compelled to forward ANYTHING that seems vaguely interesting to anyone, even if they don’t work there. These people seem to have some religious devotion to the “Reply All” function and need to be stopped before they foward that fucking email about the million dollar cookie recipe or whatever the hell they send anymore.

Whoah, tangent there. Sorry. So let’s see… what career opportunities are going to fit your criteria…

Well, you could always try to be a security guard on the night shift. But when you have to deal with people there, it’s typically of an unfriendly nature (“you can’t go into that door,” “you can’t park there,” “why do you keep asking if I carry a gun?”). The upside tho is that you will likely have long periods of absolutely event-less time in which you can chill out and surf the web, if the employer allows it (most don’t). The job would be relatively stressful from time to time, but if you have a can of pepper-spray or a tazer handy, then you really won’t be bored for long if you catch my drift there.

About the only other option you have is a long-haul trucker. That wouldn’t be bad really. Tour the country, eat at interesting places (“are you sure this is steak? cause it looks like possum…”), and meet other cracked-out truckers and share stories of the road and drugs. Of course, that means that you live in a truck, but it may not be so bad since most truck stops are now working their asses off to become 5-star resorts (even the lot lizards are taking it up a notch and buying from Target instead of WalMart). The only downside is that a “bad day” on the job may mean that you accidentally jacknifed on the interstate and spilled a whole load of lumber/oil/milk/live-chickens.

So that’s the best we can come up with: security guard or truck driver. Frankly, we vote for Security Guard since… well.. we mentioned the tazer already, right?

Points on your license, rising insurance rates, and a whole host of other crap can take a simple traffic ticket into a hellish experience… unless you know how to fight it and win. Granted, it takes some effort, but it might be worth it. Here at DeviantAdvice, we’re always working to make your life better. So to wit, we give you our guide on how to fight a traffic ticket, althouth we aren’t guaranteeing a win (thanks for making the lawyers happy -ed)

Ok. A ticket sucks, we all know that. Of course, fighting it may seem like more time than it’s worth, but that time may end up saving you money on insurance and fines and such. Now, in order to fight the ticket, you have to be on your “A” game and that’s going to start the instant you are pulled over.

1) Be honest. Were you speeding? Changing lanes without signalling? Following too close? Realize that the cop is pulling you over for a reason. Sure, part of it might be due to the fact that it’s the end of the month and the quota is low, but that just means they’re letting less crap slide. So you are being pulled over for a legit reason. And that leads nicely to:

2) Do NOT take this up with the cop pulling you over. It’s not his job to represent the entire legal system. He’s just some guy with a badge who caught you doing something stupid, or else just being unobservant. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us (I’ve never had a ticket -ed). The cop is just there to enforce the code. So be nice to him, it may help you out. And we move to:

3) Don’t incriminate your stupid ass. The cop says “do you know why I pulled you over?” What he’s doing is getting an outright admission from you that you fucked up. Unless you’ve been caught speeding, just reply that you aren’t sure. However, don’t sound mystified. This is precisely the wrong time to act as though being pulled over is a foreign concept. A simple “Honestly sir/ma’am, I’m not sure” goes a long way. Plus adding in that “sir/ma’am” part helps out too since it shows the cop that you’re a nice person and cops like nice people more than assholes who think that a doughnut joke or a quota-reference is a good idea here. Don’t be that asshole and your chances of getting off with a warning go up dramatically. Now, if you’ve been caught speeding, you REALLY need to be honest here, but only to a point. Don’t answer with “I might have been going a little fast back there while trying to race that stupid-ass kid in the Honda with the park-bench wing and that retarded exhaust that makes his $3000 car sound like a $3000 weed-eater.” Instead, haul out the “Honestly sir/ma’am, I’m not sure” and let the cop take the lead here. When they tell you that you were speeding, look remorseful, but not like a dingo just ate your baby. Unless you were doing 65 on a city street intentionall (dumbass), you were likely just not paying attention. Again, it happens (not to me -ed). And that goes right into:

4) Just accept what the officer says. Don’t argue physics here or explain that there’s no way in hell the car you’re driving could be going that fast for whatever reason (weight of the car, weight of you, traffic, a slow-moving white bronco ahead of you, etc). Also, don’t use this time to explain that you’ve never been pulled over (like me -ed). The cop doesn’t care because it’s not his job to care. He writes tickets and, on occasion, gets to run red lights and that’s it. So go with whatever he says. As long as you’re polite (“oh my, that is a bit fast”), the cop is likely to let you go with a warning. Unless it’s the end of the month or else you were attempting to haul ass in your Prius, then you’re pretty much going to get a ticket. If so, not all is lost. Let’s take this up to:

5) Court date. If you decide to fight it, try to push it off as far as possible. Ask for something called a “continuance.” Basically you’re just saying you need more time to prepare your case and ensure that your defense is thorough and accurate according to your rights as guaranteed by The Constitution. For the less-than-legal amongst you, I’m telling you that a “continuance” is like saying “time out” to the judge. Got it? Great. So yes, ask for one and you’ll likely get it. Ask for a second one and you may get it, but it’s iffy. Ask for a third one and you’ll likely be held in contempt, which means more fines and a potential stay in county lockup. So don’t get greedy. Why ask for one? Well, it’s simple. Cops typically have to come to court on their days off since it would be impossible to keep the police force’s dwindling numbers effective if x amount of cops were out daily for court dates. So if you challenge the ticket, a cop has to come in on a day off and he’s not likely to do that if your fine is small. That said, if you’re challenging a massive ticket (something like, say, 80 in a school zone) then the cop is likely going to show up. If he doesn’t show, you win because your accusor isn’t there to represent the city. If he does show, then you have to move along to:

6) Winning your case. Basically it’s down to your word versus the cop’s and his equipment. Is this a traffic incident like failure to signal or a bad lane change? Well, if you got a ticket for that and the cop’s there, then you fucked up and you might as well just tell the judge and ask for some leniency. He may reduce your fine. If you’re there for speeding, then let’s hope you used your continuance wisely by asking the police department for maintenance records on the equipment the cop used to bust you. You did do that, right? You didn’t? You dumb bastard. Again, just be honest here and ask for leniency. In speeding tickets, you won’t get it usually, but sometimes they’ll reduce the offense enough to where it won’t go on your insurance. Of course, this is where being nice in steps 2, 3, and 4 come in handy. The cop may already have reduced it enough. However, if you DID use your continuance to request the maintenance records (and good on you for that), then make sure you bring it along with any information you can get on how often the manufacturer recommends that the units be serviced (it’s likely that the department doesn’t service it often enough). Also, do detail the scene where you were pulled over. Heavy traffic? Construction? Precipitation? All things that can cause an improperly-serviced unit to report incorrect data. So be thorough, but not unrealistic (“light drizzle” is not the same a a monsoon; two cars is not “gridlock traffic” and so forth). As long as you present your case thoroughly and respectfully, you will likely move on to:

7) Paying your fine. Look, the legal system is built on many things: justice, equality, fairness, etc. However, this isn’t the legal system. Fines are actually a revenue stream for the city and they aren’t likely to give up money for any reason. So while you may present a glorious argument about how the radar equipment in the cop’s car that hasn’t been serviced in 2 years may have misread the speed results by hitting a different car and also getting an incorrect result because of the rain that day, the court doesn’t care. They know the cop pulled you over with cause and that’s enough for them. So you’ll likely have to pay the fine anyways. If you fought it, then you’ve likely taken at least 2 days off of work (one to file your continuance and one to fight the ticket) and who knows how much money you missed out on, or vacation days you’ve wasted all so a judge can reduce your $150 ticket to about $80. If you win, it’s a hollow victory anyways. So why not just pay the fine in the first place. If you were polite in steps 2, 3, and 4 then you’re probably already coming out ahead, so why get greedy?

And with that, we close. We hope that you found this guide useful and informative. While we can’t guarantee you won’t get pulled over (like I never do -ed), we can at least guarantee that following our guide will help the process go much smoother. And hey… let’s be careful out there.

- JJ, Phoenix

Ok, so let’s get this straight “JJ.” You’re some girl working in an office with some hot guy and you seem to be flirting with him non-stop and he’s not even attempted to bed you yet? Something seems askew here. So let’s look at all the possibilities:

• He’s gay.
• You aren’t being totally forthcoming. Are you a fatty? Maybe he looks at you because he can’t pull his eyes away out of sheer horror
• He’s married and you haven’t noticed the ring

So let’s take these one-by-one and see how we can help you:

1) He’s gay

Ok. So this won’t be easy. Most gay guys are usually pretty happy being gay. I mean seriously, have you seen Gay Pride parades? Holy christ, these men are GAY and happy about it. So if he’s truly gay, you’re pretty much out of luck. Your best hope here is that he’s bisexual. However, even then he’s likely to still want a gay angle. That said, if that’s your kink then go for it. Just don’t pin any long-term hopes on this turning into anything more than an office fuck-buddy with the potential for some insane 3-somes.

2) You’re a fatty.

Drop the fork, hit the gym, and try again.

3) He’s married.

This is the most-likely possibility. Sometimes it’s hard to notice the trappings of a settled-down dude, even though our sources say that most women look for a ring first as a matter of course. So maybe you’ve just missed the glaring beacon that says “Attention everyone: I have made a serious error in judgement and will now spend the rest of my life paying for it.” (hope the sofa’s comfy tonight -ed) So if he is married, what are you to do? Well, it’s easy actually. Fuck him. Seriously. Don’t dilly-dally about it. Don’t be all cute and coy. Just go by his desk, look right at him, and inform him that joining you in the supply closet in 15 minutes could be the most religious experience of his life. The flirting game is cute and all, but if he’s not biting then he’s probably just scared and it’s up to you to let him know, in no uncertain terms, you’re wanting to take his dictation, if you know what we mean (she does. she’s not an idiot -ed).

So after you hookup with Office Hottie, you have the aftermath to deal with and this is the part that makes everyone go “don’t get into an office romance.” Honestly, this is such a crock of crap that it makes us sick. When you’re done, you’re done. That’s it. No long-winded “you’ll always mean something to me” good byes; no “I should transfer to -insert freakishly remote office here- and make this less awkard.” None of that crap. Just be done with it. But there is a flip side and that’s SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH ABOUT IT. And that’s for both parties involved. Don’t go bragging to the other ladies in your department about the size of his crank, just like he shouldn’t go spilling the beans about that crazy trick you did with your tongue and that popsicle. Just be quiet about it and let it be a good memory. The instant either of you decides to let the office know that you two hooked up for the most insane sock-monkey loviin’ in the history of the universe is the instant that both of you should polish up your resumes and start looking for another job, preferably one in an office crammed full of ugly/fat/stupid/croc-wearing people.

By the way. If you do hookup and it is hot… do it twice and tape the second one. It’s just so we can measure the effectiveness of our advice. (now about that sofa… -ed)

My daughter, the apple of my eye whose only 13 has started talking about going out. Dating. DATING. She’s 13!!1! I dunno wtf I’m gonna do. She wants to go out now and she’s 13. Come on guys, surely one of you has to have a daughter?”

- LW, Tupelo

Nope LW, I don’t have a daughter. On the contrary, I’ve got two boys. So you think YOU got problems? Well, actually you may.

Look, it’s a fact that girls are maturing faster now. Call it hormones in beef, the angle of the moon, MySpace, Facebook, whatever… you are now in the throes of puberty my friend and it’s about to go from “worrisome” to “can drinking be a hobby AND a sport?” Of course, we’re here for you though. For you and your daughter and her blossoming body. (awkward? -ed)

So you’re obviously trying to figure out what to do. You’re trying to think of every way possible to control your daughter, to slow down the pace of what’s happening. Give up. Give up now, actually. You can’t stop it at all. It’s like The Terminator, it just… won’t… stop… making stupid sequels, oh my god. Seriously… there’s like 14 of those movies now? Damnit. Now granted, we aren’t implying that your precious daughter is a relentless killing machine… not yet at least, give it a couple years. So your main instinct here is to go with the flow. Adapt to the situation. Dare I say it, consider letting her date.

Sure, I know you’re staring at the screen, wanting to grab that shotgun you keep under your couch… and that’s exactly what I want you to keep doing. You see, your little girl is going to date no matter what you say. You should applaud her for her honesty, but also realize that she’s doing one of two things: 1) manipulating you like the ignorant fool that you likely are, or 2) not thinking her cunning plan through (bad choice of words -ed). Hopefully it’s the latter, but we’re reasonably sure it’s the former. So you’re going to have to meet that with a great defense and there’s absolutely NO defense like Parental Insanity. That, my friend, is where that shotgun comes in.

When your daughter has her friends over, be sure to clean it on occasion in front of them. Yes, I am secretly implying that you should “clean” it in a way that suggests you are both lonely and batshit crazy. Long stokes to clean it, caressing it oh-so-softly, giving it a petname, all great ideas that you should consider. Now, don’t get too into your role though as you don’t want people to actually believe you are insane and start calling the doctors on you. You want to be juuuuuuust crazy enough that people will not mess with you and -by extension- your daughter. Oh sure, there’s probably some social stigma in being “that girl with the psycho gun-loving dad,” but that also means that the potential for pregnancy goes way down when the young man trying to bust that first nut into your daughter remembers that you earlier engraved his name on a bullet directly in front of him.

Of course, there are those that say “but you should nurture your daughter, teach her how to be a woman.” These people are clinically insane and you should avoid them at all costs as these people are probably hippies anyway and think that names like “Moon Unit,” or “Star,” or “Hillary” are actually valid names for a human-being. These people don’t understand the primal fear in a father’s heart when he thinks about his little girl being deflowered in a drunken stupor in the backseat of the car that some young guy’s dad is probably still paying on. So instead of celebrating her femininity, you need to advise her that her femininity is sacred and any boy who violates it is going to have to just understand that killing him is part of the circle of life and he should just accept it and move on as best he can… while being very dead.

Of course, the more that you try to stop her development, the harder she’s going to try to defy you. It’s a natural law. So you have to have a Plan B and that usually involves sending her someplace where men don’t exist and women are taught that chastity is an honorable state. The only problem is that no planes are currently running routes back to the 13th century, so you’re pretty much going to have to accept that your daughter is becoming a woman. Your little baby girl is growing up and you can only remember one thing… It’s not murder if he survives; it’s just assault.

Happy hunting!

- LF, Fort Wayne

Well LM, custody battles are always hard and there’s rarely ever a clean/happy ending to these situations. So you’ve got to ensure that you put your best foot forward and by that, I mean destroy him. It’s not enough to just “win,” you have to crush your ex’ very will to live.

The first thing you want to do is to ensure that your relationship with your kids remains strong. Be kind to them, treat them with love and respect, and bribe the SHIT out of them. Sure, it’s a somewhat dirty and potentially uneccesary tactic, but you’re a fool if you think he’s not doing the EXACT SAME THING. So you’ve got to outdo him. I don’t mean you just have to do a bit better, I mean you have to ensure that anything he does, you do at least twice as good on. He gets the kiddos some new toys, you get them cooler toys. He decides that to hire a clown for the birthday party, you see if Cirque du Soleil is in town. Buying your childrens’ loyalty may leave a bad taste in your mouth, but it helps to guarantee that you come out ahead.
Step two is to never bad-mouth Daddy. Since he’s already hooked up with someone who may be entirely too stupid to see the full situation here (is she pregnant yet? cause something tells me..), it’s clear that his ability to make rational decisions is pretty much at 0. Add to it that he’s instigat