Why, only yesterday, I hopped on the Wii to do some Fit, with strict istructions they were to let mummy do her excercise and not hassle me to “have a go” whilst I was on there. Especially this week, as only managed to get back on earlier in the week, after 56 days since my last session. Whoops. And we ran into the neighbour in the morning and she asked me if I was pregnant because I’d put on a little weight.

Humph.

The support I got was like having my own personal trainer. Or two. “You’re fat, Mummy.”

Yes, thank you, I’m well aware of that. Why do you think I’m on here giving strict instructions about not pissing me off?

“Hmm. Mum, you weren’t doing that right. See how the trainers leg is here and her arm is there. You don’t look anything like that.”

Oh, fuck off! “Yes, thanks again, your support is invaluable.”

And today, after a friend bailed on me for a coffee date, the family decided to join me on a walk to get milk. Always helpful, and today was no exception. More helpful, in fact, as Monkey Boy came up with a brand new bio for the articles I write.

All writers need a bio that briefly explains at bit about you. He’s so thoughtful and clever. This is what he came up with:

She is a living carcass who sits at her computer all day, is grumpy angry & yells a lot. She is am mum to three boys and a wife to one.

I’m fairly sure that gives people a lot of insight into who I am and what I do. I’ll just sit back now and watch the requests for my services to come rolling in …

He then decided, as I was attempting to drain the pasta, to make his way through the kitchen … with both legs in one leg of his pants, and both feet wedged into one slipper. I succinctly advised he get out before someone or soemthing got hurt. Also made reference to stupidity of actions.

“Can I swear if I fall over?” he asks.

“If”!? Where’s “if” come into it.

“No. No swearing. Ever.”

“But just if I fall over. I could say the “F” word and the “S” word. Oh, and the “C” word.”

I was stunned for serveral moments. Speachless and immobile as several things ran through my mind … “where did he hear that?” “who has he been talking to?” “have I inadvertently used the word in front of him?” … “did I call him one?”

(A likelihood given some of his behaviour of late …)

About to launch into a “Don’t you ever use that word” type tirade, I thought I’d better check my facts.

“What “C” word, specifically, are you referring to?”

“You know, the “C” word - “crap”.”

Phew! Ish.

Whoops. Sorry, eight and a half year old son.

Something like “Can you please move out of the way?” or “Can you open the door for me please?”

Ever the smartarse - he must have been speaking to his father earlier, coz he was in fine form this morning, also - he replied with “No. What have you ever done for me?”

Hmmm, let me count the ways.

“Gee, um, I was about to go and make your lunch like I do every morning, but I can just not.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And, given I make you lunch every morning, what have you ever done for me?”

“Well. I eat the lunch you make every day.”

Fairy nuff, too, then.

Actually, I awoke much earlier than that to a crying baby, who was unceremoniously dumped on me at some stupid hour by a half asleep husband who’d stumbled out of bed and grabbed him. Then stumbled into the bathroom, loudly, and grumpily stumbled back complaining there was no water.

So he boiled the kettle and used what water there was in there to shave before he went to work. Which is kind of fair enough, but I do need a MUG of coffee after I’ve had my first MUG of coffee for the day.

Thankfully, for my sanity and the continued survival of the children, I’d sorted the automatic coffee machine out last night - we were all safe!

For about 13 seconds - the kids woke, discovered the aqua-deficit and commenced the “why is there no water?” mantra. The on that goes “Why is there no water? But why is there no water? But why is there no water?”

Repeat 9 million times a minute.

I almost made them ring the water company, but they got bored and I was left doing it. At 8 am was told it would be another 2-3 hours! Do they not care that I’ve only had one coffee and am required to care for 3 small children, two of which need to be at school within the hour?

Argh!

I’ve been invited to a friend’s house for lunch. Which means I may have to cancel. Or worse - go smelly! Relent and actually risk asking someone for help - or plan to ask if I can have a shower at her place - when the water comes back on.

Now I’m left with the option of asking for something (not something I’m terribly good at) or be late (something I’m really terrible at)

Friend preferred me late and showered, but arrived at her place decaffienated.

There’s nothing like a good friend who knows how to make a coffee!

Feeling only slightly better, at times, than I did yesterday. Not the conferences fault, still.

Until the lunch break, when I was invited - I had been warned - to get up and speak abou why I had started my business and where I was headed. Followed by and incredible surprise!

The presentation of the Business Mums Network Founders Award. I was, quite literally, left speachless. And most honoured. Surely there were many more deserving business mums than me.

Also felt a slight sense of … not sure what … along the lines of “thank fuck someone bloodyappreciates something I do, coz no one at home bloody notices anything”.

I leave it a bit and can’t hold it any more. In the next break I ring home and say “I WON THE BUSINESS MUMS AWARD”

“Great. Were they selling raffle tickets?” He was serious.

So I went to great lengts to prevent myself from lying in corner in foetal position and blubbering out the story and got a much more supportive response.

And then “Oh, I had to call Poisons Information today, but its ok now.”

Why, oh, why do they need to start sentences like that? “Uh huh?”

“Chippie sucked on the toilet brush just after I cleaned the toilet with bleach.”

There is so much going through my head right now - we use Enjo, thus, allegedly eliminating need for use of chemical cleaners. Of course, regular cleaning of toilet somewhat dubious, so perhaps there is a need for chemical cleaners? Unsure whether to be pissed off with supervisory skills of husband in relation to baby in vicinity of toilet brushes, or impressed that he cleaned the toilet.

Also curious as to why he is cleaning toilet.

Wonder if it will ever be safe (for children) for me to leave house again ….

I have a conference I’m looking forward to. Or was until earlier this week. Not the conferences fault.

The coffee machine sounds like its gone off, though. Wonder if I managed to put all the pieces together properly; you know water to coffee bean ratio, close all compartments and select the program button …

Wonder if I can have my coffee, tell the hubby and kids I’m going to the conference and go have some quiet time somewhere. Somewhere where I can have a sleep and they bring coffee and wine without me having to ask?

I have a walk and coffee planned with a friend, whilst the Grumpy one does the school thing. I ring to ask him to find out from birthday kid’s mum what birthday kid wants and text me immediately. I ring again, several hours later to find out result of birthday kid conversation, to be given an answer far too late to be able to do anything about it.

Or anything my mind could do about it in it’s current state.

Have mild vent, get told “don’t worry about it, then” and have more tanty. Have minor tanty about lack of decent clothes to wear to conference, lack of compliant children and lack of functioning ability to make decent coffee in new machine.

Damn the stress of life.

And, damn, almost 9pm - too late to go get birthday kid a present.

Fine, I will just not worry about it, then.

Another day of totally screwing up making coffee in new machine.

Note To Self: Make sure pot is actually in machine before pressing “On”, otherwise you are left with extremely sarcastic husband, a huge mess to clean up and incredibly weak coffee. Not much fun all round.

Grumpy heads off to work (after making himself a coffee - much safer) and I sit to feed Chippie.

Thankfully, I have him to keep me alert. Easy done when he sinks his brand new teeth - yes, two of them, that sprung up out of nowhere, with no warning signs at all - into my left nipple.

There’s an awareness no amount of well made coffee will give you. And something no amount of well made coffee will fix.

OUCH!

When will this stop.

Received phone call from local police regarding incident last week and can I chat to them. Like I had anything to say. Scheduled a time, put Chippie down for his nap, attempted to make another coffee and get some work done, contemplate calling to change time to give Chippie the extra sleep he appears to need and ensure not standing around waiting for school pickup. Chippie wakes just as come close to making decision.

Chat to detectives, whilst Chippie crawls around charming police women, getting given teddy bears and eating files. That takes forever given I don’t have much to offer them, and am finished with half an hour to kill. Fortunatley, Chippie sees to it that the time is filled productively, by filling his nappy and requiring a change. Complete overhaul, actually. Thankfully had remembered change of nappies and clothes.

Forgot snacks, however.

Got to school on time, and remembered as was driving there that tonight is Space Expo night at school. Great. Totally forgot, can’t get out of it as Monkey Boy just has to be there because he’s doing something that makes no sense to me. Head to swimming lessons (”mum, did you bring any snacks?” repeat incessantly) do some ranty “hurry up if you want to be back at school by 5!” gave up and said “take your time, then, I really don’t care” and head back to school.

Starving. And I mean starving.

Chippie fell asleep, then awoke in similar state of hunger. Still at school, mid space expo admiring the dioramas and other paraphernalia constructed by the kids, and, more often than not, their parents. It was when Chippie leapt out of my arms and ripped the half eaten California role being consumed by one of the teachers that I felt I probably should do something about feeding him. And boob wasn’t enough. I tried, and he alerted everyone to the fact that I was feeding him and that he was most disatisfied and required something more substantial.

Spent 20 minutes attempting to locate Godzilla, how had ignored the “don’t leave the room” order, raced to local chicken shop to grab chicken and chips, home to grab a tub of yogurt and banana for Chippie and back to school to grab Monkey Boy so we could go home and eat.

Thankfully all took longer than anticipated and by the time returned to school, expo was almost over. Extracting Monkey Boy not as arduous as anticipated.

Arrive home, still lamenting lack of wine and cheese at school thingo, note to self to complain to anyone on parent committee who cares that parents are being unnecessarily tortured, and discover no wine in my fridge.

Argh!

Still feeling drained and crappy after my last week - not to mention I now also have a sore shoulder and two sore wrists. Why no one caputured the Thomas Tumble on video, which could quite easily have won me $10,000 or a new plasma TV, I never know.

Actually, I do know. It is because everything is going wrong this week. Anything potentially leading to me winning $10,000 is just not going to happen.

Grasping for anything remotely positive, I facetiously asked the Grumpy One if the new coffee machine we ordered had arrived. The one I was going to get sometime back in mid-April, then for Mother’s Day, then “in 10 more days”. Not their fault; the company they purchase from prefers to sell to big business and screw the small. Doesn’t do me much good though.

And he said “YES!”

But he was going to work. And paying for it. So I would have to wait a day. Another one. Not fair.

I walked the kids to school and he rang me to suggest meeting at the coffee shop and grabbing the machine.

Hooray!

So, I did, and he dropped it off home so I wouldn’t have to carry it on the pram.

I then set about figuring out how to use it … and in the process screwing the whole coffee making up, causing water to leak everywhere and resulting in week coffee.

*sigh* I wish my mind would return. Although I would like to blame the new machine.

Or that the world would stop for a day or so, just so I can catch up.

Not much use in having  a working coffee machine if it doesn’t do anything to improve your mental status.