So given all the commotion that’s been happening in my life the last few months, new dog, bigger responsibilities at work, school, and new housemates¹, I haven’t really had a chance to announce the newest member to the Beckman pack.

Sadly, it’s not a baby but she’s still very cute, regardless!

Meet Jinx

Well, this is what she looked like when we first got her which was the first few weeks in October². But this is what she looks like now…

And she’s not even full grown yet.

I’m fairly certain I’m going to cry when she is…

But in the meantime…

Isn’t she just precious?!!!

I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks and while I could blame it on my busy life, which is certainly a factor, I have to admit that the internet is just no longer the same place for me. What I used to have interest in has waned and I have no desire to participate in some of the activities that made the internet so entertaining and exciting for me. I think in a sense I’ve kind of grown past a lot of the activities I once thought I would never be able to live without. Forums no longer hold an appeal for me and I find that I’m not as interested in sharing parts of my life as I once was. In a sense, blogging now is what it once was and should have always remained: therapy.

It’s serves as an outlet to deal with and perhaps also deconstruct what I’m not capable of doing out loud. It provides a place for my thoughts, however dark or insecure and yet in a lot of ways it is serves somewhat as a sanctuary, though I am still hesitant to share the deepest parts of myself for fear that it will be used against me. Last weekend we cleaned out the garage and I ended up stumbling on a journal I kept in my youth. Reading through the pages made me realize just how much I have changed and how much I have grown. I was such an angry and hateful youth that I often wonder how I managed to become the person I am today. I suppose a lot of that was based on trial and error– both in my relationships and the decisions I made which have lead me to where I am now.

Life has been nothing but a journey for me. I’ve made friends and lost them. Fallen in and out of love and have constantly changed and grown both in good and bad ways. I’m becoming more responsible in my decisions and of what I expect when and if I should ever raise a family. I’ve come to accept in some measure that I may never have the opportunity and rather than feel sad or depressed about it, I recognize that could be the cards that I am dealt.

The hey to life is perhaps not to try and control it, rather to instead to react as best as you can to whatever it throws your way.

Last night I got to thinking– about a lot of things really, a moment of epiphany which made me realize the importance of this year’s festivities in light of the coming holiday. I’m not a perfect person and have never claimed to be. I make my fair share of mistakes, probably more than I’d like to admit but my heart has always, in most situations, been in the right place.

I’ve caused my fair share of hurt and experienced that same hurt in return but I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and through the mistakes of others, enough to know and recognize who it is I want to be and the lessons I hope to one day instill in my progeny.

I’ll be the first person to admit I have a lot of trust issues, more than I’d like to admit and more than I care to show. It takes a lot for me to give my trust, even more so to prevent the pessimist in me from believing those close to me will inevitably hurt me and I’ll end up alone; as a result I wield my trust as my only weapon to protect myself, once earned, I trust freely, without hesitation but should that trust every be broken, even if I should forgive the one who broke it, it’s never fully restored and things as much as I’d like, do not ever return to that of which they once were. Instead, I begin to question a lot of things, doubt my self, and withdraw into a place where I can no longer be hurt. Such is the hurt I’ve had to endure and such is the result of the actions of others. Nothing is ever as it seems, a lesson that I learn time and time again.

With that being said, I find that this year, I am most thankful for the ones who have not broken my trust. Who’ve given me no reason to doubt or question motives or even question my own.

I am not one with many friends, very few in fact but I’d like to think that the friends I do have, the people I have chosen to surround myself with, most in distance places, these are the ones who I can trust with my secrets, with my pain, and with my tears.

It is within the darkest hours when you find who your true friends are; I am fortunate that I have a few true friends, when some have none.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

-Lifehouse

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I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to words and spelling, I suck.

No, seriously.

For instance, my last blog title? I had to google dilemmas to make sure I spelled it correctly. Yup that’s right. And it still doesn’t look right to me.

Though come to think of it there are several words that don’t look right when you spell them out.

Top on that list is convenient. I always feel like I’m missing an “e” or something. It’s pretty pathetic. I think a large part of that though is because of the way convenience is spelled. Tricky little bastard!

And then there’s obsessed. I often misspell this because I forget that there is an “s” that comes after the b. So usually it’ll read as “obessed”—embarrassing right?

Oh and then there’s the word embarrass – how many fucking r’s and s’s should there be?

I’m proud of myself because I actually spelled obsessed and embarrass correctly the first time (without the help of spellcheck, mind you)—okay more like I spelled embarrassing correct, not so much embarrass.

So what does this all boil down to? I’d be an absolute mess without spellcheck. It wouldn’t look pretty and I’m fairly certain I’d drive my readers (those who do actually read– half the time I’m fairly certain I’m talking to myself) mad. So thanks spellchecker, you rock!

What about you? Where would you be without it?

I will be the first to admit that when it comes to balancing my personal life, work and blogging I pretty much fail at the concept. Often times I am so wrapped up in work that I do not touch my personal computer until the end of the work week which is odd for me. I used to be the type that had to constantly check my blog, Veracity, and Facebook on a daily basis and now? I’m lucky if I even get a day where that is the case. It’s beyond frustrating but I just don’t know how to balance life, work, and the internet.

What worries me even more is that I plan on returning to school in January and I know that is only going to make things worse. Any ounce of free time will be devoted to my school work so I’m at a loss as to what I should do. What works for everyone else? How can you balance family, work, and life alongside keeping your blog active? How do you manage to have enough time for “real” life and your internet life? What tips and tricks can you offer me?

I’m really contemplating going back on a routine which if anyone knows me knows I hate routine. I’m an Aquarian and repetition does not bode well for me but I kind of feel that I don’t have a choice at this point. Maybe I should start making a point to wake up at a specific time every morning so I have time to eat breakfast, walk the dogs and do my daily internet tasks. I just don’t know. It worked for me when I wasn’t working a morning schedule but I’m not sure if it will now unless I start waking up as some G-d awful time in the morning.

All I know is that I miss my internet life and I miss the connection I had with some individuals and I miss some people I’m close to on the net, period.

So what do I do? Help!

The first time I ever heard this song after the events of 9/11 I cried and to this day it still gives me chills and causes me to tear up. 10 years ago many lives were lost in a senseless act of terror. My heart goes out to those who lost love ones and to this country. It is a day that changed the course of everyone’s life, whether they were directly effected or not, and it is a day that I will always remember.

To those who serve and have served in the military, I salute you for your service and for reminding us that freedom is not without cost.

Little Did She Know She’d Kissed A Hero – Kristy Jackson
He found some socks
She chose his tie
And when he left for work that morning he was just another guy
Going to work
He’d have to fly
Out to a meeting in L.A. so she had kissed him twice goodbye

Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been one in her eyes
But when faced with certain death
He’d said a prayer and took a breath
And led an army of true angels in the sky
Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been an angel in her eyes
Putting others first, it’s true
That’s what heroes always do
Now he doesn’t need a pair of wings to fly

The phone had rung
His voice was calm
Before he could tell her anything she knew something was wrong
I love you so
The last words he’d said
She said I love you too
And then the phone went dead

Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been one in her eyes
But when faced with certain death
He’d said a prayer and took a breath
And led an army of true angels in the sky
Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been an angel in her eyes
Putting others first, it’s true
That’s what heroes always do
Now he doesn’t need a pair of wings to fly

The other night, Robby and I had a conversation about his decision to attempt the HCG diet. It’s nothing like taking what people claim to be effective weight loss pills but the risks and the concerns are there nonetheless.

First and foremost the diet entails daily injections and a caloric intake of 500 calories. That only concerns me. The shot is supposed to essentially trick your body into believing it is not hungry so you can comfortably eat 500 calories a day without feeling like you’re going to die of starvation. I don’t like it and I have no idea what the possible impact could be on his heart– something we already know is an issue.

I expressed this concern to him and he got upset stating that I was not being supportive. I told him that I do not agree with his decision and I will not agree with the diet but if made up his mind that this is something he wants to see through then I would support his decision; I just won’t agree with it.

He let the subject matter drop but I could tell that he was still not pleased about it. I am concerned about his health and feel that he did a piss poor job of following the Weight Watchers diet because while he was eating healthier, he wasn’t exercising and as a result he continued to maintain his weight.

Regardless, I love him and I understand his desire to want to lose weight. Do I agree with the method he is choosing? No. But will I support him regardless? Yes. Does that mean I’m being unsupportive? I don’t think so– but you tell me.

First and foremost I have to say that Spotify is awesome! I love that I can listen to oldies without actually having them on my computer and as a result I figured I’d dedicate Mondays to old school tracks. Today I bring you Paula Abdul with “Cold Hearted”. I love this song growing up and I find that even as an adult I still love it. You just can’t beat old school and it’s a shame that the younger generations and generations to come aren’t able to experience the music I came to love as a child. Enjoy!

This entire week I have been pretty much MIA. Work was insane, more than usually and the last thing I wanted to do after working all day is remain on the computer. Instead, I’m likely to quickly check e-mail and then hop off and cuddle with Robby before falling asleep and then rinse and repeat. I know my life is so exciting right? You don’t have to flatter me– I recognize my life is actually quite sad, I’ve accepted that and embraced it, lol.

I got good news this month coupled with some bad news. We’ll start with the bad news only because it’s polite¹ to follow bad news with good news so…

The car died on us. We don’t know what’s wrong with it, just that the engine died in the drive thru and when Robby took it over to O’Riley’s to have the battery tested it was bad so he replaced it and then set up an appointment to take the car in the following morning. Well the next morning on his way there the car died again and he had to call a tow truck to tow him the rest of the way. They need to examine it and then let us know if our warranty covers it. We’re hoping it does because we really don’t want to chuck out hundreds of dollars to get it fixed so I guess we’ll have to see.

On to the good news! I ovulated– not that I had problems with it, well not officially but it was a concern because we’ve been having unprotected sex for years and haven’t gotten pregnant so that alleviated some of my fears. We’ll just have to go from here and see how this pans out. I know it can take some time so I’m just going to go with the flow and let nature take it’s course. Wish us luck!

Anyone who gets a chance to know me realizes very quickly that I am the individual who often will say out loud what others are thinking but are too afraid to say. We have all grown up under the stipulations of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” but why?

I can tell you for certain that it has not done me a lick of good for someone to hold their tongue when I’m clearly making stupid choices. What has it done instead? Caused me a whole lot of trouble and that my readers is why I value honesty. Honesty in the sense that if I am doing something or planning on doing something stupid, I NEED to fucking know. It doesn’t do me any favors for someone to not speak their mind because they do not want to upset me– I can tell you right now, upsetting me is the quickest way to ensure I don’t do anything idiotic– ask my husband, he’s good at this particular game.

Now, I will be the first to tell you that like most individuals, whenever some tells me I’m doing something stupid or I’m wrong my initial response is to react defensively— but honestly who wouldn’t respond that way? What I have come to learn is that I need time to analyze and process the information I receive before I have the ability to internalize the feedback and then accept the suggestion, statement, etc. as truth.

The problem I seem to have run into with these people who need to be told they are being idiotic is that they lack the ability to do what I can. No one is asking you to gracefully accept negativity as soon as it spurts out of someone’s mouth; what I am asking you to do is to NOT disregard it. Just because you do not hear what you like doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

The point of all this is to say that we need to stop all the hand handling and look at the honesty of others as a tool and even more importantly as a necessity. Will it be something you want to hear? Not in the least. Is it something you need to hear? Abso-fucking-lutely. Can it help you in the long run? Only if you allow it to. Receptivity is key here.

In short….

You can fix stupid or at the very least help prevent it— the catch? You have to be willing to look like an asshole when you do.

I’ve decided to forgo the rest of Veracity‘s blog-a-thon because I merely do not have the time to keep up and honestly my posts were becoming more quantity than quality. I thought I’d be able to actually commit to it this month because I taking time off from school but it seems that where there is no school to pre-occupy what should be my spare time, work takes over instead. My hours should be 9:30am-18:00 MST– I can tell you I’m usually in around 8:30am and leave about 19:30-20:00 depending on what is going on and what needs to be done. It’s gotten to the point where my work-aholic husband is yelling at me because I’m still working when he gets home and generally long after that. My life of late consist of eat, work, sleep– rinse and repeat. And yes, I am working partially on my days off as well– fun right?

Unfortunately, I don’t expect any breaks until probably mid October IF I’m lucky. It’s so busy right now and there’s so much to do and it feels like I can never catch up. I start one thing and thing I’m making a dent and then something else crops up. It’s to the point where I have just stopped hoping I’ll make any sort of progress. One thing on my list of things to learn which is pretty much a MUST is how to build out pivot tables in excel. Robby is going to teach me so I can be more effective on the job and take some load off of a co-worker who does the majority of the reporting. I do what I can but I am limited because I don’t have the knowledge when it comes to Excel. I know some things– like being able to recognize corrupt data or forumlas and fix it but beyond that I’m just a deer in headlights.

My life is just fascinating right?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

Weekly Theme: Photo a Day
Daily Prompt: Show us your ideal vacation spot. Why is this your ideal vacation spot?

I have been to Hawaii once before¹ and I can tell you that hands down of all the places I have ever been to it is the most magical, most breath taking location. It was strange to feel like I was on a completely different planet even though I wasn’t really that far from home.

We confessed our undying love for each other in Hawaii so it will ALWAYS be special to me.

Weekly Theme: Photo a Day
Daily Prompt: Show us your dream house! Either draw it, find a picture of it, or compile a picture of it through an editing program. Why is it your dream house?

I honestly don’t think I really need to say why this is my dream home– the picture says it all! Enjoy!

Weekly Theme: Online & Gadgets
Daily Prompt: How has having a website and being involved in online communities and forums changed your life? What do you think you’d be doing online if you never got into making websites or online communities?

I’ll be the first to admit that my history with meeting people online hasn’t been the best. I’ve run into situations with those I thought were friends only to find that wasn’t the case and I was being used. As a result I’m a little more guarded with who I let into my life and despite all the pain I’ve had to endure, I don’t regret my presence online or the fact that I am involved in communities– with the good comes the bad.

First and foremost if I had not decided to reopen one of my now deceased message boards, I probably never would have met my best friend and because of this I am so fortunate for the internet. It allowed me to meet and get to know someone I would never have had the chance to do so if the internet didn’t exist. Jennifer has been one of the best motivating and supporting forces in my life this past year. There is so much that I have been there, so much that I have discovered that I do not know what I would have done if I didn’t have her to lean on. I love her so much and am so appreciative of the friendship we have.

I’ve also had the opportunity to connect with a few other people and while we may not be as close as Jenn and I are– I foresee that given time that could change. The internet has really afforded me the opportunity to make friends much more easily given that I work from home. I have met some amazing people and learned so much about myself as well. The girls and guys at Veracity are an amazing bunch and it still amazes me that we can just get on Skype and start talking and chatting about our lives like we’ve known each other for years. I love it and I am so fortunate to have such a great community to turn to. Truly and sincerely the internet has changed my life for the better and because of that you’ll see me around these parts for many more years to come.

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Weekly Theme: Online & Gadgets
Daily Prompt: What are some of your must have programs on your computer? For those with smart phones or tablets, what are some must have applications on your devices? List no more than 5 for each.

There are several programs that are necessary in order for me to feel comfortable with the computer that I’m using. If it is missing even one of the items listed below, it feels incomplete and I feel absolutely and totally uncomfortable using it. Probably the main reason I’m not really able to get into my Macbook as much as my PC– because there are a lot of programs I cannot port over or work differently in the Mac environment.

• Photoshop CS 5
• Some type of FTP program (my preferred is AceFTP Pro)
• Google Chrome
• Trillian
• Some type of music program, preferrably NOT iTunes

I obviously have more– however we were limited to 5 so I just listed the first 5 that came to mind given how tired I am. As for my smart phone, to be honest I don’t really have any applications that are an absolute necessity. I would be quite content with my phone if it didn’t have some of the apps it does. Maybe that’s weird, but with my phone the standard is enough for what I need.

Weekly Theme: Online and Gadgets
Daily Prompt: What inspired you to create your personal blog? What continues to inspire you?

I first sought out blogging as a means of a release. It allowed me to get out all my feelings and emotions without having to verbalize it to those around, something that even now I still struggle with. Writing is an escape for me. It allows me to get lost without my emotions and let the thoughts I have, the feelings I feel tumble out without preparation or hesitation. When we speak, we guard the things we have to say. We subconsciously edit the words that escape our mouth because we’re taught that if you can’t say something nice, you shouldn’t say it all and thus we censor.

Writing is different. It allows us to be a little more open, share a deeper piece of ourselves without necessarily feeling completely vulnerable and raw. You do not have to see the look on the faces of those who read your blog as they read it– whereas when you talk to someone, the reaction is there for you to see and ultimately affects you even if you deny that it does.

There isn’t a whole lot that continues to inspire. I write because I can, because I need to write. I am the type that over analyzes or recounts conversations and actions over and over again and my blog serves as a brain dump for me. Eventually what I’d like to do is expand on my content. Blog about recipes I’ve tried or projects that I have picked up and even start utilizing this place as a photo dump. Will that happen? Eventually. When will it happen? When the muse strikes me.

Weekly Theme: Online & Gadgets
Daily Prompt: When you log on the computer what do you normally do? What sites do you visit?

I don’t really have a daily routine per say because it varies on the day and depending on what’s going on with work. Sometimes I need to immediately jump on and log into my work computer, other times I can surf the net on my personal computer before I have to be in work. It just depends.

If I am on my personal computer the sites I generally visit right away are:

• Yahoo Mail
• Hotmail
• Veracity

And then whatever else happens to strike my fancy during that time, lol. I do not check my Gmail because that goest directly to my phone so the first thing I do in the morning after shutting off my alarm is go through my eyes which admittedly isn’t the best idea when I’m half asleep. Either way it works, lol.

So there you have it my not so awesome daily internet routine.

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