However.
I CAN tell you a few things that are quite literally the BANE(s) of my entire EXISTENCE.
Number 1:
Freaking Trigonometry.

Hate hate HATE this subject.
I had a test today.
And while I really don’t KNOW what I got on said test, I am like 92% sure that I FAILED.
And, you know, it’s not like I didn’t try or do any of the homework…
Because I DID. I did ALL the homework AND went to class EVERY.STINKING.DAY.
I got a 100% on my last (and first of the semester) trig test and, while I really don’t like the subject, thought that I was going to be a-ok in the class.
Ha!
Fast forward to TODAY, after three straight days of studying NOTHING BUT trig… and…
VOILA!
I’m pretty sure I just FAILED my first test EVER.

Number 2:
I would like to lose like, I don’t know, SIX pounds.
That shouldn’t be hard, right?
WRONG-O.
Turns out that losing SIX pounds AFTER you’ve turned 30 and your metabolism has completely bottomed out, is a very difficult thing indeed.
Plus, I don’t think it helps that I was recently introduced to these:

Alright. Since I really HATE that most people who know me (but probably not well) think that I am a negative person (which really translates to me being REAL about things and not all marshmallows and flowers about everything) I always (now) feel that I have to temper my rants/complaints with something good.

So today, I will inform you about one thing that makes me INSTANTLY happy no matter what mood I’m in.
I LOVE watching movies with my kids while laying on my big, comfy bed. Our favorite movie to watch together right now is Coraline. We usually plop down on my bed twice or three times a week to do this (depending on my study schedule and how willing I am to procrastinate). It is absolutely imperative that popcorn, cookies, and milk are involved in this activity.

I swear. Nothing makes me happier than those 2 hours of doing nothing but hanging out with my kids and watching a really cool movie that we all like.

As I sit here, putting of studying for my microbiology test tomorrow, I wish for nothing more than that my kids were home from school and that we were queing up the movie, popping popcorn, and getting our milk and cookies ready. Ah. It is just my favorite, favorite time.
The only thing that would make that time EVEN better were if Tyson were there watching with us. Alas, he is usually at work when we have our relaxing movie time.
(Now you see the reason why the six pounds won’t come off.)

I better not put off studying for micro any longer.
Because if today is any indicator, it turns out that I’m not as smart as I thought I was… or NEED to be.
GAH!
I really, REALLY HATE school right now.

So.
The news.
My appointment with the specialist is not until November 17th.
This neurologist better be good because WHOA.
This appointment was made in AUGUST, people.
And in the meantime, I am still slowly going blind in my right eye.
Fun, fun for me and mine.
Except that recently I’ve started getting some horrific headaches that I believe are related to my swollen optic nerve. (I think this because during the headaches I go all the way blind in my right eye until the headache lifts.) AND. (as if there should be an “and” in this situation…) The vision in my eye is still slowly, but annoyingly, getting worse with each passing week.
And let me tell you. It makes me soooo incredibly happy when I wake up in the morning with more haze in my vision than when I went to sleep the previous night. Yep. So.Happy.Am.I.

However.
There are days when I don’t have time to think about my eye and all its problems. (~gasp~)
School is keeping me more than busy and when I’m not doing school, I play my Mom role.
My children continue to keep me on my toes as they are getting bigger and more vocal in their protestations of my many shortcomings. Helene in particular has been really, REALLY funny lately.

The girl is in Kindergarten. And she LOVES school and anything to do with school.
But one day, she got into some trouble.
The first time, EVER, that we have gotten a complaint regarding her behavior in a school environment.

Apparently she and her three girlfriends were being way too loud in the bathroom one afternoon. They were laughing and screaming (no doubt the high-pitched little girl screams that we all know and love) and generally causing a bunch of ruckus together. The noise earned her a bad behavior note on her daily note home. When confronted about the situation she became very somber and repeated almost word-for-word her teacher’s account of the incident. I had to fight back laughter during her recitation. I asked her why they were being loud. And she promptly explained that one of her friends was being really funny and that they were just laughing at the silliness. I asked what was so funny. Well, her friend had kicked her leg up in the air and her shoe came flying off. In the bathroom. (She couldn’t help laughing while telling me what happened… so funny.) And, of course, to a passel of five year old girls, this was the funniest thing in the world. And since I myself thought this was really funny, I was fighting back my own laughter once again.

So. I did what I had to do.
I let her off easy.
All I managed to get out was to keep it down next time.
Then I had to remove myself from the situation in order to laugh my self silly.

I am so grateful for those moments.
They stay with me when I get really down (which is often).
And they make me smile when I don’t want to smile.
Thank Heaven for my family.
They save me more than they will ever know.

I usually console myself at the beginning of any major health problem that I will get used to it in time. I tell myself over and over again that it won’t be long and I will be living my life as if this new health problem were always a part of me. This strategy is not the best, but it works on some days.
Well, lately it is working less and less.
So that means sadness and helplessness envelop me more often than not.
And I am plagued more and more about the WHY’s.
And after the sad passes, it turns to resentment. Resentment of a life that is made harder than I believe it should be. Resentment of a life that is guided by things beyond my control. Resentment that my children are now old enough to understand and to remember this awful, awful time of uncertainty and fear. They know that there is something wrong with my eye. They know that I am too often in bed with a pillow over my face because of these new headaches. And they are starting to pray on their own that Mommy’s eye will get better.

If there was one redeeming quality about the worst beginning parts of my on-going RSD fiasco, I would say that it is that my kids will not remember the majority of it, if they remember it at all. I appreciate their concern for me and how cute they are when they pray about my eye. But it breaks my heart just as much as it makes my heart swell with happiness when Helene or Simon comes to my room, gives me an unsolicited hug, and tells my eye to feel better soon. Helene comes to my bedside when I am prostrate with a literally blinding headache to check on me. She’ll put her hand on my forehead and talks to me the way I talk to her when she is sick. So cute. Yet, to me, so sad. At this age, for sure, she should not feel compelled to take care of me. It rips my heart apart to even think about it.

But I know, that for the most part, this is all unavoidable and that the best needs to be made of this unfortunate situation. Though things are hard, I still smile everyday because I have three people in my life that make me unavoidably happy. I am grateful that Tyson and I are in school and find amazing peace in knowing that we are doing with our life exactly what we should be doing with it. I still get to wait a while longer to try and find out just WHAT is making my optic nerve swell, but how grateful I am that in the meantime I have much to take up my time. November 17th has been a long time coming. But I know that before I blink again it will be time to make the three hour trip down to the specialist.

Hopefully between now I then I will find less and less resentment, anger, and sadness.
I would like more peace and contentment, please.
Thanksbye.

Told you it would take forever.
Oh well. In the meantime I’ll just lose more of my peripheral vision and gain more of the haze.
No big deal. I’m mean, geez. What’s a little more haze to a girl who’s slowly going blind?

Can you tell how frustrated I am?
GAH!

Moving on….
I started another semester.
This semester sees me going to four classes.
I take Spanish 2, Microbiology, General Chemistry, and Trigonometry.
Please don’t tell me that looks like a hard schedule…. Because that tends to annoy me a little.
I LOVE Spanish, I am really into Micro, I am undecided on Chemistry (but think it’s going to be really interesting), and am TOTALLY OVER Trig.

Like I said, I LOVE Spanish. Love.it. However. There is ONE GUY in that class that completely and totally drives me IN.SANE. This is such a problem for me that if there were another Spanish 2 class offered, I would be switching into that class ASAP cuz this kid drives me to the brink. He’s the kind of person that butts in to other people’s conversations. He’s the kind of person who thinks he knows everything about EVERYTHING. He’s the kind of person that answers questions that were posed to SOMEONE ELSE…. and then answers incorrectly because he usually has ZERO idea about the subject that was being talked about by OTHER people. He is the kind of person that cuts other people off by talking OVER them…. I mean, he is almost YELLING over someone to get them to stop talking.

Basically, I can’t even look at the guy anymore. He bugs me that bad.
Umyeah. I’m not a fan of know-it-all’s OR busybodies. And this guy is the epitome of BOTH of those traits. I need to stop thinking about it now because I am getting irritated.

What else can I tell you?
OH! I recently got the CUTEST pajama pants! (I get irrationally excited by pajama pants… I don’t know why.)

There are other things to share, other things to say, but they will have to wait.
I have some internet shopping to do!

My optic nerve…..
Is………………….
Still. SWOLLEN.

After TWO doctor visits, it has been decided that the medication FAILED.
Failed miserably.
I am sad and elated at the same time.
That freaking medication was pure EVIL, but I really wanted it to work so that I could move along with my big life plans. I should have known better… but I was TRYING to be positive, and TRYING to have what is known as, “hope”. HA!

What a joke. No matter what my attitude is, the outcome is the same.
“Sorry Mrs. Nello. We just don’t know why you aren’t responding the medication. Let’s refer you to another doctor to make sure that we are even on the right path. (Are you kidding me right now? There may be a chance that I don’t even HAVE a pseudotumor??) I’ll give you a call when I have discussed your case with my colleague and at that point we’ll see what needs to be done.”
Awesome. Great. Fabulous.
I just love waiting.
And even more than that, I just looooooovee being a freak of nature.
I love it, I love it, I. Love. It.

I went off the evil medication two days ago and am starting to feel better. The nausea is fading, I no longer have to pee every two seconds, I am finally feeling “right” again, and the ugly “tingling” in my feet has subsided. It appears that the worsening of my RSD will be something I will get to deal with for who knows how long and I still am having issues getting to sleep, which is super annoying. But even more annoying than it taking about three hours to get to sleep every night? Ummmm, that would be that my vision is STILL getting worse. It is like looking out of disgustingly smudged eyeglasses. And it sucks. About a week ago, I gave up driving because I feel it is just no longer safe. I would never forgive myself if there was an accident while I was driving… especially if I had my kids with me. ~shudder~

So.
Needless to say, this stupid problem of mine has absolutely RUINED our summer.
Totally ruined it.
I feel so bad for my kids…

I have no idea when I will hear back from my doctor regarding this referral. I hope it is sooner than later… but you know, I have been on this road one to many times and I know it will be “later” that I hear. It will be “later” that I get an appointment with the new doctor. And it will be MUCH “later” that my “condition” will feel manageable. I may sound pessimistic, but I think I’m just being REAL about this.

Now I get to figure out how this new condition of mine is going to fit in my life.
How this is going to fit in my husband’s life.
How this is going to fit in my kids’ lives.
Because I don’t think this is going to go away anytime soon.

Let the fun begin.

As fun as those seven days were, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I am SO glad that it is OVER. School ended for me last Thursday and inspired a HUGE sigh of relief. I no longer have to worry about studying and going to class while also trying to recover from tests (ahem… spinal tap) and side effects from medication and my health condition in general.
So. I’ve decided that my doctors have until August 24th to get this all taken care of and straightened out. (August 24th is when I start the fall semester in which I am signed up for 15 no-nonsense-work-your-ass-off credit hours.) I have BIG plans (pharmacy school, anyone?) and have ZERO intention of letting a freaking pseudotumor get in my way. If RSD didn’t knock me out of the game, I’ll be damned if I let a stupid pseudotumor do that job.

I’ve also decided that I really do not like this whole pseudotumor-cerebriraman amplifier situation. The more I read, the more freaked out I become. All I want is information… but the more “information” (aka: internet articles) I come across the more I am freaked out. Now, I haven’t heard this from my doctors yet, but apparently, if the “information” (seriously, can you really trust the internet in matters like this?) is to be believed, if the medication does not work then I am facing having to get surgery to put some sort of shunt in my head to reduce the flow of spinal fluid to my brain. Ummmmm… brain surgery in any capacity? That would be no. No.No.NO. (See how I freak out?) I am trying to just wait until I talk to my doctors again and not flip out until they give me reason to…. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

It is absolutely NOT helping that the medication that makes me pee like I’m ten thousand months pregnant doesn’t seem to be working. Oh, I ‘m getting all of the expected side effects (plus the fun unexpected side effect of the stupid medication actually making my RSD WORSE) but the vision in my right eye seems to be worsening, not getting better… Now, I am no doctor, but I’m thinking that this cannot be good. When this whole adventure started, I had a crescent-shaped haze at the very bottom of my vision… think like a quarter-moon kind of shape. Now I have like a HALF-MOON’s worth of haze at the bottom of the vision in my right eye. Umyeah.
If you’re thinking, “Wow. That would probably be sooooo annoying,” you would be dead.on.

Yes. I am all kinds of spooked about my vision worsening. Yes. I am all kinds of pissed off about my RSD getting worse because of this medication. I literally have not slept the night through in about two weeks because I get woken up by the “tingling sensation” in my feet. (Tingling sensation… yeah right. More like someone jabbing small knives into the bottom of my feet sensation.) My RSD foot is usually swollen to some degree now and is usually the color of red kool-aid. Basically, what I’m getting at is that I don’t want to take this medication if it’s not going to work. Because HELLO! My foot is killin’ me (worse than usual) and if it because of this medication that isn’t doing its job anyway… uh…. nothanks.

Monday, July 13th, is the day. The day the eye doctor gives me the verdict on whether or not the swelling in the optic nerve in my right eye has gone down at all. Despite the fact that I am 99.9% sure that my vision has worsened over the last few weeks, I am still hoping that he will tell me that the optic nerve is no longer swollen or no longer as swollen. I really, really want this medication to work… even though it is making my RSD worse. I do NOT want to get a shunt put into my head. That sounds painful, expensive, and like it would take a while to recover from. So. At this point I am just trying to will my optic nerve to calm the heck down and stop being swollen already. (I don’t know if my mind power is strong enough to make my body do what I want it to… but it’s worth a shot, right? RIGHT? ~on the edge of having a panic attack right now~)

Uhhh… Moving on to happier things.
Our fourth of July was fun! (Even though Simon got bit by a mosquito right by his eye and spent much of the fourth nursing his red and swollen eye…)
We started the fourth off by doing nothing for most of the day (which was awesome). Then we took the kids to the driving range for a few hours (family fun for all).
Then we moved on to go and check out the local fireworks scene.
We saw these:

Tried to take some family pictures while watching big fireworks:

But those didn’t really turn out (as usual) so we just watched more of these:

Alright. Nello.Out.
I am busy warding off a headache and the backlight from my laptop is doing me no favors at this point.

Tyson looks at me and asks, “What do you need, Lady?”

“I need you to kill me. Kill me Jerry.” I smile at our Seinfeld joke. (Ah. Seinfeld was hilarious, wasn’t it?)

“How do you want me to do it?”

“Just make it fast.”

“Alright. How about I just flick you in the the forehead to death? You know… just flick you on your forehead until you die….”

I laugh. Because I find that scene in my mind to be really, really funny.

Man. I hate it when he makes me laugh away my cries…..
(And when I say “hate”, I really mean that this is just one more thing for me to confess that he does right…)

~Wanna see what my view has been like for the last SIX FREAKING days? (I knew you would… that’s why I took a photo for all to share in my woe.)