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You suck, eBay. But everyone predicted that you would anyway. Happy?

2009-12-10T16:27:46-05:00

A lot of the bloggers who picked up my auction story predicted that eBay would pull the listing, so I figured I would get away with it as long as I could. Well, as predicted, they pulled the listing last night, citing in no less than four emails and a phone call that there was no item. Which there was (a certificate). Then they said, "Well, you can't express your political opinions on eBay." But you can buy a "Waterboard Liberals" bumper sticker. Then they said I had to go through eBay's own charity program if this was a charitable donation.

So I asked the representative if I could go to the listing and retrieve my information and she said it would be taken down in 2-3 minutes. Perfect. That's definitely plenty of time. So she gave me a generous 5 minutes before she took it down. I log on and go to the link while on the phone and just as I'm telling her "It's gone already," she's hanging up the phone and ignoring me.

So, while I'm scrambling to let my interviews know that this happened, I see commercials with some of my favorite comedians. eBay commercials. Thanks, guys. Not that they'd know about this, but anyway. I guess this is payback for talking about the memory of Michael Jackson on the day he died then listening to the final version of "I'm On a Date," which has such profound lyrics like "Fuck morals, I'm so horny, muthafucka."

Advocate.com covered the story here. So, I'm looking for a new venue. eBay can bite me.

Advocate.com Interview: Taking One for the Team

2009-12-09T16:48:38-05:00

A few years ago, while filming our epic indpendent movie "Freaks, Nerds, & Romantics," I reacted badly to a medication and couldn't bring my makeup to a shoot. I wasn't in the scene, but I'd offered to bring makeup. Since I was on the verge of some bad chundering, I called my friend Pete and said I couldn't make it. He got pissed at me - while in the presence of others - and told me to buck up and "take one for the team." While in the presence of others. We never let him forget it because it sounded RIDICULOUS.

But now, Advocate.com has used it as a title for the interview I conducted with them. At least for the web address. But here, now, the interview on my marriage rights on eBay. (And yes, I am a much better writer than I am a talker.)

Advocate.com: Auctioning off her right to marry

FINALLY - An update. I didn't die. Don't worry, all four of you!

2009-12-09T11:35:52-05:00

So, I haven't updated since late August, and my last update was about my ripoff of the Grammy-nominated "I'm On a Boat" by The Lonely Island. That thing has garnered over 12,000 hits, which just tickles me flattered. But there's something bigger and better going on.

Before I get to that, I started doing standup and have posted some really great stuff on HuffPo. I won't go into too much detail, but I'll just say it feels really amazing to have your idol tell you he was "honored" to be in something you write. That's what Tom Schiller said after my two-part article on the SNL short films.

The SNL Shorts Part 1: The Beginning of Creative Anarchy

The SNL Shorts Part 2: Reaching the Masses

Then I had the amazing opportunity to interview Eric Millegan and Hart Hanson, actor in and creator of "Bones," about Eric's bipolar disorder. He'd announced it on his YouTube channel and said he should talk to a magazine. So I offered my HuffPo platform and got an amazing response:

Eric Millegan on Living (and Acting) with Bipolar Disorder: Part 1 & Part 2

But right now, I'm pulling a grand stunt on eBay after the perpetually useless NY Senate voted down marriage equality in my home state. I am auctioning off my legal right to get married.Obviously, this is only symbolic and I can't actually legally do this. I would in a second if I could though. It's been getting some press in the queer blogosphere (the blogosqueer?) and I did an interview with Advocate.com yesterday. (!!!!) As of right now, bidding is over $300, which is amazing to me. I was thinking "I'll put this up to $200 to help it out." And it's above that now, so I can't help anymore. All I can do is hope and pray and wish that a really high bidder can reach an even higher amount so I have a nice contribution for the Point Foundation, which mentors LGBT youth and provides scholarships.

In my little dream scenario, Stephen Colbert would end up being the highest bidder (more heterosexy marriage for him!) and then Adam Lambert would walk in. Stephen Colbert would say, "Adam Lambert? But you're not allowed on TV!" "It's okay, Stephen - this is pre-taped. If your face accidentally ends up in my crotch, we can edit it out later." Then I'll say, "But Adam, what if I put my face in your crotch?" And Adam Lambert would say, "Well, that's heterosexual, so it would be considered merely 'racy' and not controversial." And then a justice of the peace would marry me and Adam Lambert on the air, just to prove how holy and sacred the institution of marriage can be.

Some more fun stuff about my "I'm On a Boat" ripoff

2009-08-28T12:24:25-04:00

So, my video for "I'm On a Date" is getting great feedback from the approximately four people who have seen it. I'm kind of tempted to ask people to see it for the sole purpose of "I got my car towed that day and it really bummed me out," but I'm not really into pity parties. Unless we're all drunk on wine and crying in each others arms weeping "I REALLY LOVE YOU, MAN...NO, YOU'RE SO MY BRO...." Because then that's kinda fun.

Here are the Lonely Island shoutouts that you may have missed:

Yellow tie - Hi Andy, regular yellow-shirt-wearer/24-hour makeout fantasy man...What? I mean...what? Hi, what's up...
Pete = Jorm, because Jorm needed revenge after "I'm On a Boat."
Wingman - Val Kilmer - MACGRUBER (The Motion PIcture!)
In the evening shot, at the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, we're in front of a BOAT! (By accident, because it was by what might have been an illegal parking spot and I didn't want my car towed. Again.)
Europe ballad - "Hot Rod," but also I just fucking love Europe.
Subtle "Jizz in my Pants" reference throughout.
But here's what we'll all miss: My favorite part of "I'm On a Boat" was Kiv's shorts, so I was wearing shorts with the yellow tie. But I was only shot above the waist. I'm so sad about that. I'm sorry, Kiv.

Holy crap, I was just talking to Gary Weis.

2009-08-25T14:35:13-04:00

So, it's been an interesting week so far. I released a rap video. That's weird enough. But yesterday and a little while ago, I just talked to Gary Weis. That might not mean anything to you, but here's why it means a whole hell of a lot to me: He was one of the original SNL filmmakers. He did shorts that were waaaaay different than what we see today. His shorts were just, well, truthy. Gary Weis wasn't out to make jokes, he just pursued an interesting story and let his subjects supply the entertainment. They weren't comedians or even actors (most of the time). These shorts were just some of the best cases of fact being stranger than fiction. Or just more entertaining.

He also did "The Rutles." If you don't know who Dirk, Barry, Stig and Nasty are, educate yourself.

Anyway, I'm pursuing the SNL dream (like millions of other people), and talking to someone who was there in the beginning and originated one of the best features of the show...well, I'm glad it was over the phone. Because when I actually met Tom Schiller a few years ago, I said absolutely nothing of value and may have called him "Tim." And I freaking worship the guy. Good job, Jamie. Anyway, I'm going to try getting in touch with him again for this article I'm writing about all the SNL short films and this time not act like a stammering fool.

In the meantime, wow, people really like "I'm On a Date." Awesome.

Top 10 Reasons I Ripped Off "I'm On a Boat"

2009-08-25T11:15:43-04:00

Really, the reason I did it is because I wrote some really funny lyrics one day and couldn't just let them collect dust. But here are some other reasons why I did a parody of The Lonely Island's "I'm On a Boat."

10. The world needs another white rapper.

9. The look of fear on the faces of my family and friends when I told them I was doing a rap video. And rapping in it.

8. Any excuse to wear pretty, pretty dresses.

7. Plans for an all-lady live version of Incredibad entitled "Incredibad LIVE - With Boobs" never materialized.

6. I've always wondered what a real date is like and I think I nailed it.

5. Jorm needed revenge after "I'm On a Boat." He got it in the form of my friend Pete.

4. Any excuse to say "fuck-me heels." Because I can't actually walk in them for more than ten minutes in real life. Unless I've been drinking.

3. Because I was successful in turning my love for Europe into song lyrics.

2. I've always wondered what happens when one's car is towed in Brooklyn. (A retroactive reason.)

1. Because unless The Lonely Island wants to make me their Fergie, I will never, ever get the chance to do this ever again. Ever.

Remember when...?

2009-08-20T14:32:55-04:00

Ahhh, football is back! I fucking love football. I'm a tiny little nerd girl, but I swear, in another life, I was a 265 lb, 6'5" jock dude. And I played football. And probably hockey too. This past Monday was the NY Giants's first pre-season game, and they won. At the last minute. No, literally, the last minute.

You are a hero, Tommie Hill. ANd it would be great if the Giants could find an intern to fix their web site, because I haven't been able to share this video with anyone anywhere with the codes they're supplying. GUYS - COME ON.

But this is a scene I replay in my head on a regular basis because 1. sometimes I feel like I wanna do this too and 2. it's just kind of hysterical.

Giants RB Brandon Jacobs chucks the football at the Dallas Cowboys' play clock after scoring the winning TD in last year's playoff game.

This bookended my 28th birthday along with the victory at Green Bay. I also hooked up with a hot fireman in between. Yeah, that was a good one.

And I don't want to talk about Plax. Plaaaaaaaax...

"Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be..."

2009-08-19T09:30:25-04:00

I've always wanted to sing this song drunk and actually turn around every time it was mentioned in the lyrics, like dizzy bat. And I think this flow chart for Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at Koufukuron as well as public transportation will make that possible one day.

Tom DeLay is going to permanently damage lots of people.

2009-08-17T14:32:04-04:00

New HuffPo about former GOP House majority leader/huge douchebag Tom DeLay joining "Dancing With the Starrs." For fuck's sake, someone stop this.

HuffPo: Tom DeLay, Making the Saints Cry One Rumba at a Time

Patience is a virtue that I wish they sold in gumball machines.

2009-08-14T10:20:32-04:00

Ever feel so overwhelmingly held hostage by impatience?

I'm about to release my next video, it's just having the finishing touches put on it. It's really good, I'm not gonna lie. I've shown the first cut to a select few people and they love it. But while they would be honest with me if it wasn't good, they aren't exactly objective. I've been so immersed in it that I really have no idea if it's funny anymore. There are parts of it that crack me up, but I'm worried that I'm laughing because I have really funny friends.

But now, I have to wait. The very talented guy who is cutting this video has several other important obligations, and I'm not in a place to stand in his way.

But now, I have to wait.

By the way, "Who Let the Dogs Out" might actually be the worst song ever conceived, written, performed and played. As I wrote each of those processes, it amazes me that this song made it through all of them and continues to play after almost 10 years. Maybe my video does have a chance after all.