So it’s Warrior Wednesday and I’ve got 20 weeks until the Warrior Dash. I’m not one bit worried and I’m feeling stronger than ever.

Exercise is going well. Joining the Tae Kwon Do class was the best thing I ever did. I’m motivated to show up, to progress, and to lose weight. And then there’s the Zi Xiu Tang supplement I’ve been taking on and off for about 3 weeks. Between the exercise and the supplement, I’ve lost 10 pounds.

The main ingredient of Zi Xiu Tang is bee pollen, but there are a bunch of other herbal-type ingredients, too. A friend recommended it and I’m pretty willing to give these herbal concoctions a try. So far, so good. Several reviews said that it’s mainly a laxative, but other reviews said they’ve changed the formula. Bottom line is that I am not hungry at all. I don’t feel any laxative effect, but it makes me a little jittery about an hour after I take it. Not bad, just that Energizer Bunny feeling for a while. I’m not typically sensitive to caffeine or other stimulants, so your mileage may vary.

I’m so not hungry that I can only take the supplement every other day, otherwise I think I might not eat. While it’s nice that I have no desire for food, the fact is that I can’t take this stuff forever. At some point I have to learn some discipline in my diet. Still working on that. The plan is to use the supplement to help get the weight off, and then develop the discipline to keep it off.

Discipline. Sometimes I hate that word. Like when I really want french fries and chocolate and cherry martinis. Or when my kids just don’t want to cooperate on anything. It’s easy to give in and shrug your shoulders. It’s easy to let it go just this time. Except that just this time quickly turns into every day. And that’s no good. Just this time will never strengthen my discipline.

On a somewhat related note… I’m wondering how you feel about crying in front of your children? Does it make you appear weak? Please join the conversation on my Facebook page.

If you read my blog, you know I spend a lot of time thinking about how to be a better parent. Today I’m thinking about childhood memories. I’d like my kids to think back on their childhood with fond memories. But I wonder if I really have much to do with that?

I had a good childhood. I had friends and “stuff” and opportunities and experiences and my parents treated me well. But when I think back now, while I have a fuzzy notion that my childhood was “good,” my most vivid memories are of the bad stuff. Fights with friends or parents, embarrassing moments, stupid/dangerous things I did. I have a few memories of really happy times, but they are very few. As in I could count them on one hand.

I am generally a “glass half-empty” kinda girl. I have never been the happy-go-lucky, perky one. I’m the practical, serious one. So maybe my brain is simply hard-wired to allow the negative to have a greater impression? Maybe the things my kids will remember when they get older will have very little to do with my parenting skills.

I don’t want to get too deep into a nature vs nurture conversation here, but sometimes as a parent you wonder just how much the stressing and worrying we do over raising our kids will really amount to when they become adults. In my personal case, I feel like the “nature” part played a bigger role. I definitely have personality traits that my parents have.  But I can’t say for sure that it’s inherent because I don’t know what my parents consciously did to raise me a certain way. I suppose this is a question that can never really be answered. If it were, we’d all have the secret key to perfect parenting.

It seems to me that we become who we are not because of the things we have or do, but because of the personalities we are exposed to regularly. It’s the example we set as parents and not so much any one thing we do. Maybe. Who knows.

What is your experience? Do you have more good or bad memories from your childhood? And do you think your personality has anything to do with that? Do you think you’ve become who you are because of things your parents did or because of who they are inherently?

Last week I treated myself to a massage as an early birthday present. But instead of going to a private spa like I usually do, I tried one of those retail chain spas. (Yes, I had a coupon.) I understand that some people want an in-and-out spa experience. You go to a room, toss your clothes and purse on a chair, get your massage or facial, and get out. It’s faster, cheaper, and easier to book an appointment. But it’s most definitely not for me.

If you’ve only been to the franchise-type spa, you’re missing out.  At a real spa, you’ll be escorted into a beautiful changing room where you can lock up your clothes and valuables and change into a cozy robe and slippers. You can then sit in a relaxing waiting area, sip tea and snack on fruit and chocolate. After your massage, you can enjoy a hot shower in a luxurious bathroom stocked with amenities. In the better spas, you might find a steam shower, sauna, or double-head, pulsating shower. Or you can simply sit in the waiting area in your cozy robe and sip more tea, maybe read a magazine, until you’re ready to re-enter the real world.

Another thing that bothered me was the “hard sell” they gave me when I was checking out. Not only was I prematurely pushed back into the real world, I was pushed to buy a membership for monthly services. Not cool when you’re trying to hang on to that post-massage warm and fuzzy feeling. I hope these spas will never squeeze out the real spas like the other big chains have squeezed out the “mom & pop” stores. I hope there will always be a market for the true spa – the places that allow you an escape and a real chance to relax.

So I took my “Tennessee Road Trip to Blissdom” vacation a couple weeks ago and had a fantastic time. Unfortunately I didn’t exercise for nearly two weeks. But getting back on track now. I’ve exercised every day this week and can barely move now due to the medicine ball sit-ups we had to do in Tae Kwon Do class. I’ve just signed up for the Run Amuck Mud Run in May, as a prep for the Warrior Dash, so I’m committed to getting my butt in gear. I’m also trying this bee pollen supplement that may or may not be a complete waste of money. We shall see.

I had a couple revelations on the trip. I flew to Asheville, NC, explored a bit, stayed overnight, then drove across Tennessee to Nashville. Traveling alone was an interesting experience. I definitely would have loved a navigator. I wasted a bit of time stopping, searching for directions on my iPhone, and driving in the wrong direction. I’ll definitely be more prepared the next time I take a trip alone. I also missed sharing the experiences with my family. The plus side was having a nice quiet car ride, being able to explore at my own pace, and eating and sleeping in peace, without being responsible for anyone else. I can’t say I never want to travel alone again, but I definitely want to take more road trips with the family.

My Blissdom revelation was a surprising one. I realized that there is such a thing as too much introspection. There comes a point where you simply need to take action. I was very happy to see Blissdom offering a personal development track with all kinds of great topics and speakers. But after the first two sessions (I left halfway through the 2nd), it became clear to me that I had moved on past all the introspection. There were tears and sharing and all that good stuff… But it was getting me depressed and I left the session with the realization that I was happy! I had been there, with the tears and doubts, a year ago, but I’ve moved past it. Not that I will ever stop working toward self-improvement, that’s just the kind of person I am, but I am not searching as much as I used to.

I’ve decided for now that a “career” is maybe not what I’m ultimately after. I love to blog and travel and that’s what I want to do. I want to share my travels and experiences with others to help them and weave homeschooling into that.  I don’t know that I’ll ever want a high-pressure job like writing for Travel & Leisure, but a nice web column and a following of readers who benefit from my writing would be nice. A community.

I made some great connections at Blissdom and enjoyed spending a little time catching up with old friends. I was happy to meet Julie from Road Trips for Families and I’m thrilled to announce that I’ll now be writing for their site. I’m going to focus on ways to turn your road trips educational.

So. Moving forward!

I started to post this on Facebook, to share a link on my wall and make a comment, but decided that’s not nearly sufficient. Social media has been stealing my blogging mojo lately. I was complaining to my husband how I don’t have the motivation to post on my blogs about a my recent trip road trip and he said something like, “Mentally, you’re already done sharing that experience because you’ve posted your pictures and comments on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.” Bingo.

But this? This needs more than a Facebook share. It’s something I struggle with daily. I read a lot of blogs and come across sorrow and tragedy more than I want. This woman found her three year old dead in his bed Sunday morning.  After reading the Facebook comments, it seems that he died from a virus. Gone. Just. Like. That.

These stories make your heart break. You run to your kids and hold them close. But then? Maybe 6 hours later? You might be yelling at your kids or at least feeling very annoyed at them for something. You might be demanding they do something that will be good for them in the long run. You might be training them to be good, responsible adults, even if what you’re expecting of them is making them extremely unhappy. You might be spending the precious, short time you have with your children arguing about things that must be done so that they can grow up to be well-adjusted, productive human beings.

What if they never grow up? What if they die before they can apply to college? What if YOU die? Will it really matter if your child had three extra cookies before bed or dropped out of a class that you really, really wanted them to work harder at?

Of course, it’s not that simple. For the majority of us, our kids will grow up and live a long life. And it’s our responsibility to teach them the skills to succeed. This is where I feel a giant parenting chasm. Many people feel that kids need to learn to do things they don’t want to do. Because life is like that – you often have to do things you don’t really want to do, but need to in order to survive. But is this a lesson that really needs to be taught? Do we have to make our children miserable to ingrain in them a sense of survival and responsibility? Or is that innate?

I guess what I have the biggest problem reconciling is what exactly will help my children be happy, successful adults. There is no cut-and-dry answer to that question.  Will schooling and chores make a child grow to be an educated, responsible, successful adult? Not always. Will “spoiling” a child make him happy? Not always. It’s a balance, and one that is far from clearly defined. A child who grew up with unlimited resources could end up in prison just as easily as a child who grew up living in the slums.

I think I’ll always struggle with that chasm. Cuddling with my kids and doing whatever makes them happy because I have no idea how long it’ll all last vs. demanding things of them that will help them become educated, responsible adults.

I do know that unconditional love will go a long way toward closing the chasm. Love them, no matter what. And let them know it. It’s tough to hug a moody teenager who’s telling you she hates you. Do it anyway. Love on your kids every day. Every minute.

First, let’s talk briefly about the detox I attempted last week. The plan was to eat only fruits, veggies, eggs and cheese – with a 2-day juice fast thrown in – for one week. I was mostly successful, with two exceptions. By the middle of the second day of juice fasting, I did need to eat. If I were able to just rest or sleep, I definitely could have done two days of fasting. But having to be out and about with the kids made it difficult and I needed a little energy, so I had some apples and cheese. The second exception was Valentine’s Day. We went skiing and I had a turkey sandwich for lunch – which, let me tell you, was a huge success for me when I was surrounded by chips, fries, cookies and candy. We also went out to dinner (I had fajitas without the tortillas) and I shared a piece of cake with my daughter. Completely unnecessary, but it happened. And now that the week is over, I’m still making healthy choices and eating much less. I’ve lost 5 pounds in the past week.

Now, on to this week’s Warrior ramblings. I’ve been thinking a lot about what is stopping me from making changes that I really want to make and I’ve boiled it down to two things: Expectations and Hard Work.

I’ve lived a lot based on what others expect of me. What my husband expects, what my parents expect, what my kids expect. That’s OK to some extent, life is about partnerships and cooperation. But somehow I’ve lost the ability to expect things of myself.

Besides being healthy and being a good parent, another thing I struggle with is career. I am in the very fortunate position of not having to work. But I do want something for myself, something I can do when the kids are grown. And I think writing is that “something.” I’ve dreamed of being a writer since I was in high school, and I was a writer for a few years. I wrote for newspapers, magazines, web sites, and I even published a book. Then I had kids and life happened and it was always something I would “get back to.”

Somewhere along the line, without realizing it was happening, I stopped expecting that I would be a writer again. I blogged and waited, hoping the editors and publishers would come knocking and offer me jobs. But I didn’t pursue it. Writing is hard work. Between raising children and homeschooling and just getting older, I don’t have the same ambition I once had. When I get to the hard part of writing, I don’t push through it because no one is expecting it of me. I don’t need a job. No one cares if I write or not.

Do I care if I write or not? Last night, I was discussing this with a virtual writer’s group. I was asked:  “The question is, what is more important to you — the passion for getting words on the page, or being known as a ‘writer’?” I know the answer to that question, and it’s painful. It’s not that I want to be known as a writer, but that I want to be known. To be respected. I want someone to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.

And that’s the deepest, most painful part right there. I don’t feel proud of myself. I feel like I let a lot of people down, especially myself. Hence the eternal quest to change. As I wrote years ago in this post, I’ve always felt I was meant for something big. I used to have that expectation of myself, and I let myself down.

I know that I am enough. I know I’ll get comments on this post from people telling me that I am terrific just as I am. I know. But there is that deep-seated need for approval and praise that nags at me. There’s that bit of low self-esteem within my awesomeness. There’s the fact that I’ve given up on the hard work in favor of constantly planning what I will do next to make things change.

So maybe understanding this, admitting it publicly, is kinda like standing up at an AA meeting. Now it’s time for me to put my own personal 12-step plan in motion. Not that I have a personal 12-step plan… But I think the first step is letting go of the perfection. I love to write. I’ve written in journals my whole life. I keep scrapbooks and delight in uncovering my family history. But I sometimes (often?) don’t write because I can’t make it perfect. Or the conditions aren’t perfect. Same with exercising and eating properly. This needs to stop right now.

It’s time to get my own expectations back.

Thanks to Diana, Amie and Neil for inspiring these thoughts.

I’m now on day three of my detox plan and it’s going well. On Thursday I had Shakeology for breakfast, baked potato with a little sour cream and cheddar cheese for lunch, half an apple for a snack and a salad for dinner. Friday I had eggs & potatoes with peppers and onions for breakfast, coffee with no sugar, a few handfuls of dried fruit & nuts for a snack, and balsamic roasted vegetables for dinner. And lots of water.

I haven’t noticed any big change in the way I feel so far. My energy levels are about the same, even though my calorie intake is way down. I don’t feel hungry. Any cravings I have are completely emotional and it’s really interesting to take note of this.  Thursday, after a tough morning workout and a busy afternoon at homeschool co-op, I definitely felt like a glass of wine and a sugary treat should be my reward, my relaxation. Friday, after an argument with my son, my urge to eat chocolate or pasta was pretty overwhelming. Instead, I took a cup of tea and went to my room.

A lot of times when I’m upset, I’ll clean. And the kitchen is the easiest thing to clean, so I often end up snacking on something. When I took myself away from the kitchen, I found the urge to eat more manageable and soon it was gone. It’s amazing how much I use food for comfort when I really force myself to stop and look at the urges.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with the past couple days has been waste. The bread’s going to get stale if I don’t eat it. My kids’ leftovers are going to waste if I don’t eat them. I’m making smaller portions for the kids now – they can always have seconds. And I’ll keep telling myself that the loaf of french bread on the counter is not the last loaf of french bread I will see in my life. Just because it’s there now, doesn’t mean I have to eat it.

So I think I’m learning a lot about what and why I eat. It won’t be easy to keep up this level of awareness, especially on busy days, but I think I will be more mindful about eating for emotional reasons. Today I’m fasting, in a manner of speaking. I plan to have a Shakeology around lunch time, and just water the rest of the day. I think I might be good and cranky by this evening.

I have been putting off writing this post all day. Truth is, I’m scared to commit to what I had planned to write. Scared to fail, rather.

Last week was a wash in terms of my fitness goals. I exercised every day except one, and I’m happy about that. But I canceled out that success with the food I put in my mouth.

Ah, food. Love/hate. I’m an emotional eater. Case in point: The Shamrock Shake. The other day, after I had eaten a good meal and was not the least bit hungry, I passed someone with a Shamrock Shake in their hand. Can I tell you how excited I got? It’s that time of year! Shamrock Shakes are here! And suddenly all I could think about was driving to McDonald’s and getting some of that minty, frosty goodness. I would have had a cheeseburger & fries with it, too. Even though I wasn’t hungry at all.

But I didn’t. I started to really think about why I wanted it. It’s yummy. It’s only sold for a limited time. It’s fun. It makes me feel good. All emotions. Hunger was not an issue.

Now I don’t agree with people who think food should only be fuel. Food is enjoyable. But most of the time it should not be driven by your emotions. I have so many food-occasion/food-emotion connections. Long day? Wine and chocolate. Party? Cake and brownies. Movie? Popcorn. Too tired to cook? Fast food. Celebration/accomplishment? Burger & fries.

These are some habits I’d like to break, but I need to break them down piece by piece. I know that shunning alcohol, sugar and fast-food would just set me up for failure, so I’m going to try a series of experiments and share them here on the blog. My first experiment will be a detox of sorts. There is nothing scientific about this – it’s just a common sense plan I’ve created myself. For the next two days, I plan to eat only fruits and veggies, with a little egg & cheese thrown in for protein (and because I absolutely can’t live without cheese). The following two days will be a juice fast. The next three days will be fruits, veggies, egg, cheese again.

And it crossed my mind that my “reward” for completing this challenge would be… a Shamrock Shake.

I hang my head in shame.

Stay tuned for my detox updates.

Today I said no.

I have a terrible habit of finding reasons why I should “start tomorrow.” I have a cold, so I’ll exercise tomorrow. There’s a really good movie on, which requires wine and brownies, so I’ll diet tomorrow. The moon is out, so I’ll start being healthy as soon as it’s not.

Today was one of those days. After a busy, productive morning, I thought it would be so nice to do nothing the rest of the day. Something cheesy and gooey for dinner, a couple glasses of wine, web-surfing (do they call it that anymore?) and channel-surfing. After all, I have a cold and a sinus headache and tomorrow would be a better day to exercise.

And then I said no. And I dragged my butt to the gym.

I can mark off today as a day that I took action toward my goals.

I have 28 weeks before the Warrior Dash race. I’m going to share my progress and training on this blog every Wednesday. The past week has been pitiful. I exercised once and made a lot of poor food choices. I have a weight point where I start to feel very uncomfortable. Pants are too tight and even every day tasks just seem a little bit harder. I had been proud that after losing a little weight, I hadn’t gained it back for about 6 months. Until this past month. And now I’ve hit that uncomfortable point again.

So. Today. I went to the gym with a headcold and I pushed through it. It’s a start.

On August 12, 2012 I will be participating in an event that I never imagined myself doing: The Warrior Dash. The Warrior Dash is a 3.2 mile race with crazy obstacles along the way. Crawling under barbed wire, climbing up cargo nets, rappelling down a ravine, and trudging through muddy, waist-deep water? Not really my thing.

But I’m making it my thing. This race fulfills two goals I am working on: getting strong and fit and having less fear/more fun. When my sister suggested we do this race together, I had all kinds of objections in my mind. Even now, as I type this publicly, I have doubts. How many times have I “committed” to doing something that requires a lot of hard work and then failed? Lots.

Still, I’m attracted to this word Warrior. It works for so many aspects of my life right now. I’ve started thinking of myself as a Warrior. Strong, disciplined, unyielding, tough. The underlying purpose of the Discipline Project has been to prove to myself, one way or the other, whether being more disciplined actually makes my life better. And by better, I mean happier. I’m pretty self-indulgent and fairly permissive with my kids. In some ways, I think those traits are good. I follow my passions, take risks, adapt to change and allow my kids to do the same. In other ways, those traits are bad. I have a hard time following through on commitments and making hard changes that will benefit me long-term. I’m a short-term girl, and that’s clearly not a Warrior.

Will this Warrior concept help me make the hard changes? Warrior. I want to brand the word on my arm. Embrace it and live it, and see if my family and I are all happier in the end.

But the doubts. There are many.

I’m a master of avoidance. Every day is another day that I tell myself I’ll start doing XYZ tomorrow. How I will force myself into this Warrior mindset, I do not know. But once again, I’m looking to this blog, to my writing and to those of you out there who read and understand. I have about 29 weeks until the Warrior Dash race. 29 weeks to share my struggles and my progress.

Here’s my plan:

• Start that “Project 365″ photo thing. Many of these will be self-portraits and I’m hoping they will document a transformation. (Yes, I’m starting late, so it may not actually be 365 days. Or maybe I’ll continue into January 2013. Whatever. I’m not stressing about it.)
• Write a weekly post sharing my diet/fitness progress and goals.
• Be in kick-ass shape by August, then go on to train for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon (Feb. 2013).

While I seem to be focusing on the fitness aspect, there’s really much more to my Warrior challenge. It’s about discipline, of course. It’s about writing. It’s about having my kids see me work hard to accomplish a goal. It’s about taking action and quitting the avoidance. If you’re working on the same goals, I’d love to hear from you in the comments or on Twitter.

“Bottom line is that the next time you find yourself complaining about a lack of focus, energy or direction; stand up, take courage, and set your own direction. We’re waiting for you to show us that the miraculous is still possible.”
~ Steve Rice at Karmic Kappuccino.