Disparate Reflections

A new start to writing

2014-05-05T23:57:00.003+05:00

Tuesday 29th April, 05:42

Here I am staring at the blank page thinking what to write even though I am thinking so much about writing since last couple of days. Since a few weeks everything seems to be going wrong, everyone seems to be going away. All the close people are to busy to talk and I sit in this foreign land alone. Its funny how life is, people think I have somehow became a millionaire or something working abroad, have lots of foreign friends and forgotten them, and enjoys every night in some club yet here I am.

I have been hating everyone so much that I hate myself for that, which isn't helping. Yesterday what I feared happened, they remember to invite me to the wedding and gave me a call, I didn't want the call, I wanted them to forget informing me again so I have one more reason to hate, it was as if hatred was my drug and I was always looking desperately to get it.

Last night after talking to AK for a while she mentioned something that struct me, about disappearing or dieing. You might think it was about dieing that bothered me but it was disappearing instead, she didn't realise how I felt about what she said, she couldn't.. after all it had to do with my personal story, my personal experience. And it didn't end here, as I called her name a couple of times she said "Don't make me hate my name", I am still thinking if she was joking or serious because right after that she said she is going to sleep and left. Even as a joke it hurted but what if she was serious?

A nightmare she wished to be true

2012-03-17T10:35:00.000+05:00

The clock struck fifteen past six in the morning as she stared at it, aroused from the slumber. She had slept very late last night and it hadn't even been half of the time she usually sleeps but she couldn't anymore, there was so much more running through her mind to fret about sleep.. she forced herself to think about resuming the nightmare she just had ... continuing the story in her real life and leave everything, leave everyone and just runaway, alone.

It was not reality, it was a dream, a nightmare. She felt so feeble and hopeless during the dream, nobody trusted her. Her parents searched every corner of her room, her belonging right in front of her and didn't listen to any explaining she had to do. They wanted her declared insane or God knows what. Every visiting card that they found in her drawer, they accused that its a psychologist's that she is seeing because she is mad. They had no interest in what she had to say, they had absolutely no trust in her, an absolute zero, could certainly be in negative. Right now, they could trust any piece of paper more than her. She didn't understand, she couldn't ... what was happening to her, what was this all about? But maybe she was too hurt to think, she just had intense emotions running throughout her body, of helplessness and anger, she could literally feel her chest burning out of hatred. She wanted to scream at the top of her voice, and she did so.. but somehow she was mute, she couldn't even churn out enough voice to hear her own scream, yet she gave it all she had, but even that didn't give her any sigh of relief, not a bit.

She wanted to run away, right now. She went to clean up her face so not to draw unnecessary attention once she step out but she suddenly wasn't sure about leaving, maybe she wanted some sort of revenge, or prove herself right before she go. She came back to her room wondering what to do next when she saw her brother spying and going back to parents.. she ran after him and somehow wanted to tear him apart yet she couldn't even touch him, as if there was some magical shield around him which just added to her helplessness and now even the part of her that was in anger began to turn into pity for herself as she felt more and more weak and fragile.

That's when she woke up, it was the most terrifying nightmare she could recall she had, everyone she knew and loved was against her and there was not a single person she could go to, yet, as she woke, something inside her wished it to be true, wished the worst nightmare she had to actually have occurred. She lay there in her bed for an hour, with a tears in her eyes, continuing the story in her head where the nightmare had left her.

She could finally run away, without guilt of hurting someone, alone & start a new... only if the nightmare, she wished, had been true.

It's starting ... Already

2012-03-07T06:52:00.000+05:00

I remember it being less than a month ago, I was having a chat with this friend of mine and told her that no matter how upset I am on a day, I never had an issue falling to sleep as you often hear people having sleepless nights... and less than month later, its starting... already.

The thoughts of being treated unfairly, people's double standards and hypocrisy (all on this particular scenario) is starting to influence my sleep now. Every single night since the start of the week as I go for bed it start... as soon as lights and tv is out, these thoughts emerge from nowhere and begin haunting me. The feelings at that time of the night are so genuinely honest, if only you could be like that whole day who knows what you might do; sometimes its so much hatred at that time that just the reflections of all this amplifies my heart beat rate and inflate my blood pressure... though unluckily I'm still not sure how to let it all out, it will create a mess in the family if I do so, and even though its sabotaging my life since more than an year, I just can't seem to be willing to do it.

Left brain & Right brain

2012-03-01T23:45:00.000+05:00

I am not a psychology professional, neither a student for that matter.. however I love the subject and read books on psychology when I get time. Psychology never stops to amaze me, today I found this interesting read about the two parts of brain .. If you don't know what I am talking about.. briefly speaking brain has two separate parts, left and right having two different functionalities.. what are those? here is a brief description I read today...

"I am the left brain. I am a scientist. A mathematician. I love the familiar. I categorize. I am accurate. Linear. Analytical. Strategic. I am practical. Always in control. A master of words and language. Realistic. I calculate equations and play with numbers. I am order. I am logic. I know exactly who I am." "I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free spirit. I am passion. Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feat. I am movement. Vivid colors. I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. I am everything I wanted to be."

She loves me, She loves me not

2012-01-26T10:43:00.000+05:00

I know the title sounds different, as if I love someone and looking to know if she loves me back or not... however what it actually means in this post is just the later part of it... as in what the title actually means despite its common (and the right) usage.

I have heard that a girl loves me more than once and when I heard from this girl, despite her genuine hatred for my best (female) friend there was something in it that just made me feel that she didn't mean it. I didn't mean to say that she was telling a lie, my point just was that even if she was being honest from her side, she didn't know that she was not in love, or perhaps was deliberately trying to fall in love, but love doesn't work that way does it?

The days passed and from her messages to come to meet her when I was at home started fading out and gradually, as the semester finals came near her "love" got to the extent when she would just wave even when seeing me in front of her and pass by. At that time I told her that see, I told you that you don't love me, you are just mistaken but she insisted on that she loves me and she love her grades equally much. But there was no "equality" here was it? She wasn't even pretending as a good friend.

And finally one day we got into a little argument and she called me a name, and there are 2 things that I absolutely hate, 1 is smoking and another is calling names, I even tolerate smoking a bit but I never call names and never like to hear one so I asked her not to message me ever again and guess what the reply of the girl who loves me was, okay. :)

Riddler

2012-01-13T15:52:00.002+05:00

You have to work out what the letters mean. See No. 6 as an example.
According to MENSA, if you get 19 + of these, you are a "genius".

	Scoring:1 to 5 is Average, 6 - 11 Somewhat Intelligent, 12 to 18 Intelligent, 19 + Genius

No.	Cryptic	Answer
0	24 H in a D	24 hours in a Day
1	26 L of the A
2	7 D of the W
3	7 W of the W
4	12 S of the Z
5	66 B of the B
6	52 C in a P (W Js)
7	13 S in the U S F
8	18 H on a G C
9	39 B of the O T
10	5 T on a F
11	90 D in a R A
12	3 B M (See How They Run)
13	32 is the T in D F at which W F
14	15 P in a R T
15	3 W on a T
16	100 C in a R
17	11 P in a F (S) T
18	12 M in a Y
19	13 is U for S
20	8 T on a O
21	29 D in F in a L Y
22	27 B in the N T
23	365 D in a Y
24	13 L in a B D
25	52 W in a Y
26	9 L of a C
27	60 M in a H
28	23 P of C in the H B
29	64 S on a C B
30	9 P in S A
31	6 B to an O in C
32	1000 Y in a M
33	15 M on a D M C

Numb?

2011-05-08T01:28:00.000+05:00

Past couple of days have been weird.. strange.. somewhat different from the ordinary. I have been feeling like I needed to do something different.. what something.. that I couldn't really figure out. I felt like running wild, or screaming at the top of my lungs.. nothing made any sense.. I don't know why that was.. maybe too much of hurt.. maybe nothing to do with it at all.. now I realize that perhaps it had to do with nothing but getting back to feelings and emotions.
I could always cry so easily and I never realized the value of it until I couldn't cry anymore.. tears may have been made a symbol of weakness or not being able to handle something but I think it is something that keeps you true to yourself.. keeps you human. Finally today.. I cried after so long.. I can't even remember when was the last time I cried and it feels good.. I feel much lighter though there is still something that appears to be missing. Perhaps a person to share with....

Someone to confide in

2011-02-27T00:42:00.000+05:00

"I wish I had someone to talk to
Someone I could confide in"

These are the lyrics of a song that I once liked and listened to a lot, and while its been years since I last heard it but these words keep coming to my mind these days now that I find myself really lonely and no one with whom I can share my feelings or what's going on in my mind with.

As before starting this post I googled 'I wish I had someone to talk to' to find these lyrics and make sure I am writing this right, I was surprised to find who websites and blogs on this very purpose, on people like me...
Well it might be great for some people having such sites but I always feel uncomfortable with such sites as I believe that there are different cultures and mind sets everywhere and not everyone can understand what you are going through so I thought to keep it to my blog.

I am just sick of with the old selfish people for a long time and want to meet some new people and nice friends.. or even just a friend...
I know a lot of people for whom I am one of the very few people with whom they have shared their feelings and problems and lives with but for some reason I don't feel comfortable sharing with any of them. I believe its not all my fault since many of them behaved very selfishly before and left me or ignored me when their lives seemed to be on the right track and for others so somehow got me as the last resort. While I don't mean to degrade them or insult their feelings, and its always nice to have someone sharing something personal with you but their comes a time when you can't trust someone anymore... and that's whats with me for many people around me.

I don't know what to do about this feeling and where to get any good friend whom I can truly trust...

Want to write? Then Write!

2011-02-20T22:50:00.001+05:00

I have always yearned to write yet I never did, at first I thought I didn't do so because I was not good at it yet I comprehended later that it was a misconception. Once I read somewhere that if you want to write, all you need to do it is write. That gave me some hope to write still I was unable to do so and I realized that the reason behind it was that I was afraid of people knowing who I really am, what I think & what I do. I am not sure if it happens among many people or not but I am certain of it being bogus.

Why should someone be afraid of who he is? Don't we often see people that we think are total jerks? Don't we read blogs and stuff that we completely find stupid and the person to be crazy? Yet they continue to write, at least they are doing good to themselves... they let it all out. I wonder if they ever have similar thoughts cross their mind. What exactly is on the minds of people who write? Do they just enjoying writing while they are at it or have a continuous thoughts of people's opinion about it like I am having right now. I really hope it will go away with time, let's see.

Why should I (or someone for that matter) be uncomfortable of who he really is and hide it and put up something for people to like him? Is such liking even worth it in which you lose your own identity (yea you actually do lose your identity acting like something you are not)? And why do we get this false perception in mind in the first place that people won't like me being me? Well I have lived enough life in facade, let's get it over with. Someone likes it or not, WHO CARES!