I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior — you get the idea.

While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there’s more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their “wasband.”

Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and a child’s – especially a son’s — sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.

We all know it’s tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can’t overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.

Dads: Stay in your kids’ lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.

Moms: Honor your teen’s relationship with their biological Dad – even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don’t be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.

Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don’t take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture — raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.

When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn’t divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children … as a parent – not just a divorced parent.

The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren’t your children worth it?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce, coaching services or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

John Edwards is in the hot seat today because of the many poor decisions he made. His judgment, integrity and credibility are being questioned. His decisions regarding taking responsibility for a child he fathered while already married are being rebuked. His professional career is on the line.

There is much we can all learn from John Edward’s mistakes. And despite all his errors, there’s something we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

For John, that may mean full disclosure to both his wife and mistress, cleaning the slate and accepting full responsibility for all of his actions – and their consequences.

For many of us, the actions may be more subtle and less dramatic – but they’re important to attend to nevertheless.

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues will only result in legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along — it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – with John Edwards being a prime example! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

I hope John Edwards heeds this advice and immediately starts taking constructive steps  that move him in the right direction – to honor the children he presently has with his wife, and the new daughter who will grow up calling him Dad!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide™ to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

Statistics bear it out. Every January the number of couples filing for divorce rises dramatically. And this year the numbers seem to be even higher. When you think about it, the reason comes as no surprise. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses.

Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these couples, if they are parents, going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

I, too, planned my separation at this time of year more than a decade ago. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1st.

These winter separations can be especially difficult for children coming as it does in the middle of the school year. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.

Choosing to co-parent, my former husband and I each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Our son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine.

At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me saying she just learned that my husband and I split up in February. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be writing a book and devoting my life to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

My advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that your child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how he or she is going to look back and remember these next several years.

• Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
• Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
• Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
• Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
• Did you keep their other parent from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?

These are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. It’s not divorce per se that harms children, I firmly believe. It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges?

Supported by my Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, my mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. My son is proof that it can work successfully.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

By Mike Mastracci.

For divorced or separated parents the holidays are often more stressful than they are for those who do not have child access and visitation issues to manage. While the following tips and considerations can apply throughout the year, the holidays are a great time to improve your co-parenting relationship. No matter what holidays you celebrate, consider helping your child to pick out an appropriate card or gift to give to the other parent. In doing so, you will be showing your child that you recognize and respect their relationship with the other parent and you also teach and encourage them that it is okay to discuss the other parent in a positive light in your presence. If the other parent comes to learn that you assisted, encouraged or approved of your child getting him or her a gift it might go a long way for future interaction. Truly, it is the thought that counts. Imagine your surprise when you receive a gift the next holiday that was encouraged by your ex. It is a goodwill builder for sure and sends nothing but positive messages to your children.

If you have been harboring a lot of anger and animosity toward your ex throughout the year consider digging deep and forgiving your ex and yourself for the “transgressions” you have been dealt, as well as the ones that stem from your own shortcomings (not that you have any) or bad acts. Many people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It is indifference, not hate. Hate and anger generally only hurt you. In the context of a bitter separation or divorce it is easy to forget about the concept of forgiveness. If your co-parenting relationship sucks and interferes with the way that the two of you raise your children, you need to lose the anger, or at least regroup and channel it proactively.

During the holiday season try extra hard to limit the parental aggravation that you may otherwise generally experience when dealing with your ex. For example, sharing transportation in a fair and equitable fashion for the holidays might just be a gesture that could come back ten fold. All too often one parent does the overwhelming majority of the driving to pick up or drop off the children. (Why that is could be a topic of discussion and debate another day.) If you have had such issues in the past, call it truce time, for the sake of your children. Make substantial efforts to iron out all schedule adjustments well in advance and confirm each other’s understanding by email or letter so that there are no last minute problems; and be flexible. Squabbling over who got what holiday for what time period last year and the like is a waste of energy. Live in the here and now and remember that what goes around does indeed come back around, both good and bad. This year when it comes to separated and divorced parenting during the holidays, if given a chance to be naughty or nice, try the latter. Happy Holidays!

[Editor Note: Please note that the information in this post is of a nature that applies for low to moderate-conflict cases as opposed to an unsettled high-conflict case.]

In a contested child custody case, when it is all said and done, you will have given a great portion of your child’s future determinations to a virtual stranger in a black robe. Why? The judge does not know your children and probably never will. Before you let a judge decide your children’s fate you might want to ask yourself a few questions such as: How long has this judge been a judge and how many child custody cases has he or she decided? What are her pet peeves? Does she tend to favor men or women. What did he do before becoming a judge? What is his judicial temperament like? How much time will he give us to present our case? Has he been divorced? Is he arrogant and egotistical? Will she like me? Will she like my ex? Does she have children? Does my lawyer think the judge is good, bad, intelligent or dumb as a bag of rocks?

People often tend to forget that judges are people, people who likely either knew the governor or knew people close to the governor in order to get appointed. Judges are not necessarily appointed because they are smart. There is no judgeship test or certification to wear the robe once appointed (that is appointed and not anointed as some may think).

There are many judges who care deeply about the divorce and child custody litigants that come before them. There are many fine judges that have earned the respect of the lawyers and the citizens that appear before them. They may have the best of intentions and have all the good qualities one may hope for and yet they may make a ruling that will haunt you and your family for years to come. Why would you let this happen?

While judges generally receive a great deal of respect you cannot forget that they are people too and we all have shortcomings and we all have faults and areas of our lives that could use some improvement. A judge goes to work just like anyone else. For a judge, deciding the custody and child access issues of your case would be just a routine part of any given day; just another day at the office. Don’t lose sight of these sorts of things when you decide to take your business to the courthouse. From this day forward, make sure you are in the business of co-parenting.

And remember, when a court order is entered it lasts until your child reaches the age of majority unless modified by agreement or subsequent court order. Look for alternatives to litigation and do all you can to Stop Fighting Over the Kids.

Chances are that if you are going through a separation or divorce with children stuck in the middle and if you are reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, hitting the library, buying books, talking to counselors and looking for peaceful alternatives to contested litigation such as mediation and collaborative divorce —- you get it. It’s about the children, not about you or your ex. Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for the children. A common theme in marriage and divorce is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and developing a post-separation parenting plan that works.

In my book, Stop Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations , there is a chapter entitled Getting On Board that provides useful tips and tricks to lure the other parent onto the right path. One suggestion is to send the other parent books and resources that you think would help IF he/she would follow the advice provided. Often, curiosity alone will get them to read and often they my find your gesture as an insult or an act of sarcasm and they, in turn, might pick out things that they think YOU should read. Regardless of the motives, the act of looking through information from experts is a worthwhile endeavor in which osmosis might be the only way positive information flows in both directions.

What if there were a service available where you could contact experts and tell them the problems and challenges that you face in dealing with your ex and they would contact the other parent and request to hear things from their perspective and offer to assist without representing either party. Imagine if both of you felt comfortable enough to participate on group conference calls with experts who would offer suggestions and resources that were appropriate for one or both parties in many given situations. The call would have other similarly situated people on the line too. Chances are that if either party receives a letter along with information, resources and an offer to join in on a call, that they would do so, perhaps. Even if they participate only to try and convince the listeners how wrong you are and how right they are. You can’t get through to the other side alone. Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. People heal at different paces; they express anger, hurt and pain differently at times as well. It’s not easy. While you may understandably not be of the proper mind set to worry about how the other side is doing as they continue to make life miserable for you, it would really be worth your time and effort to do whatever you can do to get them on board as soon as possible. We welcome your comments and suggestions on ways to help the other side turn toward peaceful resolution and to get on with the business of parenting.

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday — can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the “shoulds.”  We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he’s doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects.  Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.

I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?

When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing  context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?

Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.

If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.

No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.

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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.

By now you may have heard of collaborative divorce in the news and around the blogosphere. Collaborative law is a trend that has taken hold and is perhaps at the tipping point of becoming a readily available mainstream method for separating and divorcing couples. There are many incentives and rewards for sticking with the process.

In its simplest of explanations two divorcing spouses who each select collaboratively trained attorneys agree, along with their respective counsel, to settle the couple’s issues outside of court. The four people work together to find solutions that are acceptable to all concerned. They sign a contract in the form of a participation agreement, which is the cornerstone of the collaborative process. If for some reason, one or both of the parties decide that they no longer desire to resolve their disputes outside of court, neither of the two collaborative attorneys can represent their clients in any contested case.

At its origin in 1990, collaborative law was invented by Stuart G. Webb out of a divorce attorney’s frustration and disgust of seeing families torn apart by the adversarial divorce system. While the mechanics of the process may vary some, the collaborative methods are beneficial in many ways. Generally great care is taken to ensure that your children are kept out of potential conflict and that the controversy is kept to a minimum between the parties. There is no question that in a collaborative resolution you will maintain far greater control of the outcome of your divorce than you will by engaging one another in contested litigation. It is generally less expensive and quicker than litigation and helps to maintain a sense of integrity and respect between you and your former partner, which is especially important when children are involved.

When collaborative law first started it involved two attorneys and two clients. Later, if a need arose that the attorneys thought would be better addressed by another collaborative professional they would all agree to utilize the services of such professionals. These professionals may include, but are not limited to, divorce coaches, therapists, social workers, child specialists, financial neutrals and financial planners. In litigation, each side hires his or her hired gun to further that side’s “position.” In collaborative negotiations the professional becomes an aid to the process and thereby assists both parties and the attorneys to reach successful outcomes.

In recent years there has been a strong movement toward a “team approach” in collaborative law. On the one end more and more attorneys are becoming comfortable in inviting other professionals to assist, subject to the client’s approval.  However, at the other end of the spectrum there are many attorneys who will not participate in the traditional two lawyer- two client model. These collaborative attorneys push the team onto the field and basically tell the prospective clients to play with the team or play with yourself. In other words, it resembles a take it or leave it proposition. It is this writer’s opinion that what is right for many people is something in the middle and that is one of the benefits of the process – it can be made to suit your family’s individual needs. How many professionals will it take for your collaborative divorce to be a success?