This one’s obvious… “Short people should not jump over tall fences.”

What do YOU think?

The next day I got an email from my dad asking me if I had seen any of the snow that was artificially induced in Beijing. Wait… WHAT!?

Honestly, I didn’t even think that was possible. I quickly hit the googleweb to search for what he was talking about. The BBC confirmed it: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8337337.stm.

Sure enough, the people in charge over in Beijing have a gov’t entity presiding over the weather. Even the weather is now a bureaucracy here in China! This entity is called The Beijing Weather Modification Office. Apparently, they’re most famous for successfully preventing rain during the 2008 Summer Olympics. But I had never heard of them before.

And let me clarify, it wasn’t exactly fake snow… the snow itself seemed real enough. (I know snow when I see it!) But the way in which it was snowing was a little sketchy, and definitely didn’t feel like the “first snow of the season” any more. Only in China.

The weather has definitely cooled down a bit since the snow, causing a lot of change in the tree colors and the air in general. I finally get to see some fall before the real winter comes.

Click here to see some fall photos.

Enter the dramatic part of the story.

When I arrived, I discovered that some Chinese doctors don’t trust American doctors. Of course they don’t. And why would they? I would have to have another physical here in a Tianjin clinic. My co-worker said that she didn’t have to have one because she flew in to Beijing instead of Tianjin. How does that work? What’s the difference? If only I knew, I probably could’ve flown to Beijing too and taken the 30 minute bullet train ride here. But now there was no way around it. I needed another doctor’s appointment before I could get my resident’s permit.

And this was unlike any “doctor’s appointment” I’ve ever had before.

First of all, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a family doctor here. You know, the one that you grow up with and you have mutual knowledge of each other’s lives, etc. No, there are too many people to adequately handle that. You just go to some random hospital/clinic, get a form filled out, get fixed up, and you’re out on your own again. Secondly, there are heaps of people who need to get physicals in China. Whether they’re applying for a job, attending a university, or hoping to do some travel, they need to get checked out. Because of that, the physical exam process needed to be streamlined. I was about to find out what that meant.

The day of the “exam” came and I thought I was ready. I had my passport, my shirt, and my dignity… little did I know, I’d only come away with one of those.

Grace, the assistant at my company, came with me to help translate and we hopped in a taxi. When we got there, we started filling out the form and paying for it. It only cost 400 RMB, a little over $50, whereas the one back home mysteriously cost over $500! But let’s not talk about health care costs.

It all starts in a hallway. The hallway was long and poorly-lit, with doors on both sides, opened slightly to let the horrible smells out. Grace handed me a sheet of paper with six blank boxes, all labeled in Chinese characters. Apparently, I was going to need to go into each of the rooms, one by one, and get the different boxes filled out. No need to worry, though, Grace would lead the way! With privacy thrown out the window, we head into the first room.

Immediately, I figured out that this must be the poking room. I sat down, with Grace by my side, and rolled up my sleeve. Fifteen seconds later, we were already leaving. It only took a couple seconds to find my vein, a couple seconds to poke, and a couple more to explain to me that I was the one who needed to hold the cotton ball in place. You see, they didn’t have tape.

The next room had little cups lined up and people grabbing them and going into the bathroom. They came back with their cups filled. I knew what this room was about! Grace sheepishly tried to explain to me what to do, but she couldn’t find the words. I told her that I think I got the idea, grabbed a cup, and followed suit. Then, in front of the whole room (which felt like the whole world), I brought my full cup to the nurse. Two boxes done.

There was a line for the next room, so we moved to a different one. I guess there’s no particular order. Here, I was instructed to lay down on the table and pull my shirt up. Grace graciously turned her back. EKG time. A minute or two later, Grace translated to me to take deep breaths. I did. We were done.

The next one was an easy one, a vision exam. Ever since my lasik surgery last spring (highly recommended, by the way), I’ve had better-than-perfect vision, so I wasn’t worried about this one… until I saw the eye chart. It didn’t have the English alphabet! I should’ve known! The best way to describe it would be that it had the letter “E” facing all directions: backward “E”s, upward “E”s, downward “E”s, and normal “E”s. Umm? Seeing my confusion, Grace explained to me to motion with my finger which direction the open part was facing. The doctor pointed to one and I pointed up. He pointed to another one and I pointed left. He pointed to a third one and I pointed left again. The doctor smiled and said something. When we left the room, Grace told me that I had perfect vision. Thanks Grace, but I kind of already knew that.

(I’ve since learned that this type of eye chart is called the “Tumbling E” and used for children and people who can’t speak. Interesting? I learn something new every day.)

No line at that one room anymore, so we slowly peaked in. It was our turn. What happened in this room, I’m kind of nervous to write about, because I still don’t understand the what or the why. From what I could tell, there was a bed and one of those monitors that I’ve seen used on pregnant women to check their unborn child’s growth or whatever. What’s that called again? Oh yeah, a freakin’ ultrasound. I tried to tell her that I wasn’t pregnant, but she must not have understood my panicky English. The nurse motioned for me to lay down and pull my shirt up. Grace, again, graciously turned her back, told me it might be cold, and giggled a bit. (FYI Giggling is not cool in these sorts of situations.) The nurse smiled, lathered my stomach region with some goo and rubbed the baby monitor machine over it. Phew! I’m definitely not pregnant. What just happened?

The last room I also thought would be an easy one: X-ray central. I had to go through this vault-sized door while Grace and the doctors stayed on the one side. Once I got into this other room, I could see them all through a window. I honestly felt like I was in a zoo or testing lab or something. Through a speaker, I heard Grace say to stand on the platform and to not move. So, I stood on the platform, perfectly still. The machine behind me started moving up but stopped around my lower back. The doctors and nurses gasped, and Grace started to giggle again. Great! What now? Dangit, I was too tall for their x-ray machine! Figures. Grace told me to squat down a bit while they took the picture. So, with cell phone in pocket, I wobbly squatted while they examined my chest cavity. Done.

With all six boxes finished, we turned the sheet of paper back in to the front desk and I signed my life away. In all, it was only about a 20 minute process and I now understand what streamline means. Grace had to take my passport to finish my residency permit application and I lost my dignity somewhere in Room #2. I only came away with my goo-covered shirt.

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

And some advice for finding and moving into an apartment in China: don’t do it. I’m only half kidding: just like you would in America, be sure to test every appliance, every light switch, every power outlet, and every faucet. Look behind dressers and under beds. Scour the place and make a list of things that the landlord needs to fix and clean before you’ll agree to rent it. Also, make sure things are well-communicated between the two of you. I had to sign a contract that was entirely in Chinese characters. Hopefully I didn’t get any more than I bargained for. I shouldn’t need to worry about where I’ll be living for another ten months or so, ensha’allah.

Anyways, after I had moved in and started cleaning things and arranging things how I wanted them, I made some strange discoveries. Here’s an epic list of those discoveries in order of least to most random, with pictures. Enjoy.

Tied for #10 - A Dartboard

The dartboard isn’t so random, I guess, but it begs the question what’s wrong with it? I have no clue. I’ll definitely be hanging this somewhere.

Tied for #10 - Shuttlecocks & Ping Pongs

Badminton and table tennis are two of the biggest sports here so these aren’t so random, either. They might even come in handy someday!

#9 - Decks of Playing Cards

But not just any playing cards, these are “Lao Giang”(?) and 100 dollar bill playing cards. These are keepers. Wanna come over and suit up sometime? Guys night on the 4th floor.

#8 - The Ugliest Wall-Hanging Puzzle. Ever.

This is currently hanging in the “living room”… but not for long. Why so ugly? As G.O.B. would say, “Come on!”

#7 - Chinese Karaoke VCDs

Well, this is China and they do love their karaoke here… but what use will I have for these? By the way, I went to KTV for the first time since being back. I loved it! Remind me to tell you about it later.

#6 - Precious Moments Calendar

This was hanging in my bedroom. (And I stress “was.”) But the random thing is it’s from 2003! Is that the last time someone’s lived here? Probably. Trash.

#5 - A Killer Shell Collection

A bag full of shells was underneath my bed. Great. I think I’ll use these for decorating. Or throw them off my balcony.

#4 - A Huge Kite

I guess a kite by itself isn’t so random, but a kite the size of an entire room!? I was going to try and fly it but then the weather changed. I’ll have to wait till spring to take this baby for a test drive. Where will I store it, though?

#3 - Three Bottles of Wine

Yay for me! Free wine is always nice. But why would someone leave it behind? Does it taste bad? Wine gets better with time, right? It’s probably been here for years.

#2 - A Bunch of Tiny Toy Figures

This is one of my favorites, actually, because the first thing I imagined doing with them is some kind of stop-motion short-film. I’ll keep you posted.

(more…)

I think it says, “When God calls, you’d better step on it.”

What do YOU think?

I looked high and low through this great city and I only found two places that had any inkling of this Reformation Day.

The first place was Carrefour, France’s version of Walmart. PS China has Carrefours everywhere. I noticed they had one small endcap at the back of the store with a small collection of awesome Halloween costumes. (The pirate hat even fit!) But was dismal at best and zero Chinese people were even stopping to look at them. In a way, I wish I would have had that small collection for last year’s cowardly lion fiasco, but alas, that’s in the past.

The second place was… Pizza Hut. Now, as I’ve mentioned before, Pizza Hut in China is a formal affair: expensive food, fancy interior, and clean bathrooms. It’s not necessarily a place where the local people go, unless they’re rich or they really want Western pizza. Because of their targeted marketing, though, I decided to hit it up whenever October 31 rolled around. Honestly, it’s kind of nice not being constantly bombarded with marketing gimmicks for specialized holidays everywhere you go around town.

Well, I did do the unthinkable and ate dinner at Pizza Hut today. The food was overpriced and unsatisfactory. I probably won’t be returning anytime soon.

At least I got this awkward photo with a Chinese hostess dressed as a witch!

I do have some minimal advice:

FedEx and UPS charge random extra fees for sending things to China. The US Postal Service does not, making it a bit cheaper.

Postcards from exotic American tourist traps are one of my favorite things in the world.*

If you live by a Chinatown, there are usually small shops that sell books and magazines that also offer cheap overseas shipping services.

It’s always lighter to use a padded envelope rather than a box.

I miss the Sunday morning comic strips in English.*

Packages under 4 pounds cost exponentially less than packages over 4 pounds. I speak from experience.

To send a package, you’ll have to fill out a customs declaration form, so don’t include any you-know-what.

The only LEGO I brought with me is a branded photo album from my aunt.*

If you’re sending a postcard or a letter, you just need the first part of the following address. If you’re sending a package, it’s probably best to put both the pinyin (Roman characters) and the Chinese characters on the outside. Just in case.

Make sure “CHINA” is always on top in big letters, so at least it gets to the right country.

My refrigerator is completely void of awkward magnets.*

And FYI, nothing is ever 100% guaranteed to get to me. This is also spoken from experience. Please don’t give up, though! Maybe start small?

Download GIF

*hint hint

Personally, I love it. There’s always someone to practice language with! The first few days here have been full of meeting people and stumbling through what I’ve remembered of spoken Chinese. But I’ve met many people who speak English as well. They’re always willing to help me out and welcome me to their grand city.

One bit of humorous information that an English-speaking friend offered was, “I love it here in Tianjin… because it’s pronounced, ‘tea and gin,’ two of my favorite things!” I thought that was quite clever, actually, and have been using it ever since. There’s hope; this language thing can’t be too bad after all.

In this image, we see the two characters that make up Tianjin. They’re very distinctive and should be easy to spot when you’re gallivanting around the city. Specifically, the characters are “tian” and “jin”. “Tian” is one I remembered from my studies because it’s used in many of the words I’ve learned so far, like days, times of day, weather, etc. By itself, it means “heaven” or “the concept of heaven” described by Confucius. And I’ve since learned that “jin” stands for all sorts of things as well. As a verb, it could mean “to cross over water” or “to ferry”, and as a noun, it’s a common family name. Together, the two characters make up Tianjin, my beautiful city’s name. It’s literally translated, “The Heavenly Ford,” and rightfully so, because it’s where hundreds of years ago the Emperor (who’s considered very heavenly) forded the Hai He River.

Make sense? Two characters down - over 80,000 left to go!

I just had to go.

Who can say they’ve been to a Broadway show in China!?

Well, here’s the story: I was reading the local foreigner’s monthly, Jin Magazine, and I saw an article for CATS coming to town. It shared a bit about the origin and history of the musical and I realized that I had never really seen it before. Always a fan of the theater, I had to question my true loyalties. I’d probably regret not going, right? I looked at the date and initially thought it might be too late. This was on Tuesday, I think, and the show was that weekend. The next day, I asked my boss how I’d go about getting tickets and she called the ticket office right then and ordered a ticket for myself and the American girl working with me. The tickets arrived on Thursday, and we saw the show on Friday. No regrets whatsoever.

The article said, “What makes CATS so popular on an international scale is that it focuses on the basics of musical theater. There are no didactic political diatribes, no intense philosophical investigations, only highly skilled dance and song.” Truthfully, it probably wouldn’t have even been allowed in China if it was any more than that. It also said that the actors and actresses were going to be from Australia but that the set was the original one from New York City. My anticipation was building.

We paid relatively nothing for the tickets and when the night came, we were both beyond excited to finally see what it would entail. Rush hour was in full swing when we headed out, so we decided against taking the bus and went with a taxi. (Crazy idea.) Anyways, the show was being held at the beautiful Tianjin Grand Theater and was quite the spectacle, to say the least. There was a long line of Chinese people trying to get in, but they ushered us in front of all of them and barely even looked at our tickets. They were searching everyone else’s bags, but they didn’t look in ours for some reason. I smelled favoritism. Needless to say, we got there really early. We looked around and took it all in.

The set was spectacular. Our first impressions were of a junkyard and we were right. It wrapped around the corners of the theater and down into the first row. Trash was everywhere and a big tire was in the backdrop. The colors were magnificent and the lights were so cleverly arranged. At this point, you could slice my anticipation with a cat claw.

One question still remained, though… was the show going to be in English or Chinese? Our tickets were in Chinese, the advertisements for the show were all in Chinese, and there were tons of Chinese people there. Were we going to have to guess what the dang show was about? Was there going to be translation? We didn’t seem to care.

Right before the lights went down, there were these roadie-type people going through the crowd telling people to turn the flashes off of their cameras and to not take video, etc. My mind immediately flashed back to the days when I was living on the road, working for live productions, and trying to control crowds of people – it’s not exactly fun. It’s stressful and unnerving, at best. Multiply that by 100 when it comes to Chinese people. No offense, but it’s literally impossible to control a mongering Chinese crowd in a small space. I found it humorous that these roadies were still trying, though. Note, I find lots of things humorous.

Let the show begin, already!

Our language question was answered immediately, obviously. They were speaking in English and there were two huge screens to the sides of the stage with a Chinese translation. I wonder how they translated “Jellicle Cats,” “Rum Tum Tugger,” and “The Heaviside Layer”? We had a great view of the stage and noticed right away how intricate the costumes and make-up was on each individual cat character. And the way they moved around stage was genius! If you didn’t keep reminding yourself it was a play, you might have actually thought it was real little cats running around.

The tap dancing number was incredible and I loved the Michael Jackson routine. Some songs that stood out were “Memory” and “Mr. Mistoffelees”… excellent singing and unmatched dancing. I loved every minute! For one song, one of the cats even sang a verse in Chinese and the crowd erupted in applause! Quite impressive.

During the intermission, the actors came out into the audience and did all these cat-like things around the theater. The Chinese people ate this up! They were taking pictures left and right and bodyguards had to be brought in to make room for the cats to get back to the stage. I was laughing my pants off. They probably didn’t make that mistake the next night. Or not.

Anyways, CATS, in one word, was exceptional. I’m so glad we went. It was all I had dreamed of… and more! Oh yeah, and the people were totally using flash photography the whole time.

I hadn’t even been here a week and I’d already seen a Broadway show… I think I’m gonna survive just fine, and I think I’m gonna like it.