My spoon is too big.

Why I loved Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (MAJOR SPOILERS).

2008-05-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot of reviews of the latest Indiana Jones movie since I went to see it this afternoon. When I left the theater, I felt very happy... I felt I got just what I was looking for, i.e. a natural continuation of the series I'd grown up with. I didn't truly love or incessantly hate the film, I just enjoyed it for what it was, and was happy I got the chance to see one of my childhood heroes have one last adventure.

But hours later, after reading all the reviews and opinions, I know truly love the film. And here's why:

The Soundtrack. - John Williams's music is the voice of almost every movie that made a direct impression on me as a child; Star Wars, Raiders, Close Encounters, Jaws, E.T. Looking at a list of his film scores is to look at a list of the greatest films of all time. But in the past twenty years, his music has gotten kind of boring, a little bland... the magic, that extra spark which added so much to the above titles has disappeared. Occasionally the old Williams has resurfaced here and there; select tracks from the latest Star Wars trilogy show flecks of his earlier greatness. And maybe a couple themes from Harry Potter have shown promise. But for the most part, I'd written him off.

And then I hear the music from KOTCS, and I'm enthralled by it. It's fast, it's exciting, there's melodic themes and dissonant textures, it's everything I remember Indiana Jones music to be.

Althugh Mutt's theme pales in comparison to that of Short Round, but that's a topic for another time.
The CGI. - One of the big issues I've read that people have with this movie is it's use of CGI in the special effects work. Well, all I have to say is boo-fucking-hoo. The fact is, it's 2008, and that's just the way special effects are done now.

Of course there were no digital effects in the first three movies, that's because at the time, CGI simply didn't really exist, except for in a small handful of films, such as... oh wait, that's right. Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade!

The scene when Donovan ages to death? Digitally manipulated. Three dummy heads combined into one seamlessly through computer morphing, same effect that a couple years later made the T-1000 in Terminator 2 possible.

Anyway, the point is, I don't understand the complaints. Is the problem that there's special effects? In that case, all I have to say is, did none of you see the first three movies? What do you think, that there were actually ghosts coming out of the Ark? That a dude's face was actually melted? Or that a group of three actors were thrown into a mine car and pushed down a long, windy broken track?

Indiana Jones films feature insane, outlandish set pieces, that's a staple of the series. And any time something like that needs to be done, it's usually done via smoke and mirrors. Nowadays, the smoke and mirrors are digital. That's just the way it is. And frankly, I'm fine with that.

Which leads me into the other possible reason for this complaint, which is that CGI can look fake sometimes. Will, show me what a real UFO lifting off looks like, and then we'll see who's right.

And the first three movies had a large volume of fake-looking shit in them, I'm sorry. I still cringe thinking of the ridiculously ugly black matte lines surrounding the German bomber plane in Last Crusade. And regardless of the digital clean-up they did on the last DVD of Raiders, the poles which held the Ark spirits in place as the motion-control camera went by them are still CLEARLY visible.

But now, think of the great things done in this movie that could have never been done, or done well, in the past. The warehouse. The nuke. The jungle chase (which had a large number of digital matte paintings in it, especially the part with the cliffside... heart-pounding sequence, that couldn't have feasibly been done back in the 80's).

Sure, Shia LeBeouf swinging through the trees looked like a FMV from a Final Fantasy game... but there's only so real a stunt like that can look. Which brings me to my next thing...
The insanity. - Another thing I've read in different reviews and forums, is that some people think the action was too much, that the movie got ridiculous at times. To which I will again ask the following question...

SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE FIRST THREE MOVIES?!

One opinion I read took humbrage at Indy riding out an atomic blast in a lead-lined fridge, being thrown clear and surviving.

Let me just point that person to the scene in Temple of Doom, where Indy, Willie and Short Round jump out of a crashing plane, IN A LIFERAFT, land on a mountainslope, slide down it until they FLY OFF A CLIFF, and land safely in a river 500 feet below.

How is that possibly more plausible? This answer, by the way, also goes to the people skeptical about the waterfall scene.

I've also read reviews stating that the sci-fi element, having aliens involved, was just too hokey.

So it's totally cool to have a box containing the Wrath of God, a dude who can pull people's still-beating hearts from their chest while they watch (and survive), and a room full of cups, most of which will age you to dust... but Chariots of the Gods is just a bit too much?

Right.

One of the greatest things about these movies is the sheer amount of ridiculous situations Jones gets himself into. They're fantastical, and the series wouldn't be the same without them.

And c'mon, you're gonna tell me that you'd be satisfied with a Nevada desert circa 1957 scene if there wasn't atomic testing?
The Sound Effects.

Ben Burtt, sound designer for the first three movies, worked on this one again, as was completely obvious to anyone who knows his work. And his effects this time around were like little easter eggs for the fans everywhere, from the sound of the Area 51 door lock being blown (the same sound that the Nazi's generator made when God fried it in Raiders), to the Wilhelm scream that he uses in every movie, this time uttered by a college kid in the library. Brilliant. And speaking of easter eggs...
The Easter Eggs.

As I'm running short on time, I'll just mention the main one that stuck out to me, and that was when Indy mentioned running with Pancho Villa as a kid. Suddenly, watching the always bland and usually boring Young Indiana Jones Chronicles when it aired almost twenty years ago had a purpose, as that gem was lifted directly from an early episode.

So I liked it. Maybe you didn't. Doesn't matter, it's all opinion ultimately. And if you haven't seen it yet, well, you really shouldn't have read this, as by now you no doubt know the ending and more. So, well... sucks to be you...

It's A World Of Tears...

2008-03-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

I'm sure some of you by now are aware of the current refurbishment of It's A Small World at Disneyland... you know, how they have to deepen the canals in order to accomodate the obesity of today's American?

In case you didn't hear... the boats were getting stuck because people are too fat, and they kept sinking too low and hitting the bottom.

Anyway, there's a new story out there about the refurb, which all Disney fans should be considerably shocked and appalled about; that is, the addition of Disney characters to the ride, and the taking out of the rainforest scene in order to put in a new "Hooray for USA" piece.

The original meaning of the ride, that of world peace and unity, will be taken over by blatant commercialism and a need to sell plushies. And don't even get me started on the irony of tearing down the rainforest in order to accomodate America.

And here I'd had faith in the new post-Eisner regime, what with their plans to overhaul DCA, and their ending of the sacrilege of sequelizing the classics (although I did enjoy "Cinderella III," in which Cinderella traveled to Afghanistan to rescue her Fairy Godmother from the evil clutches of Communist Russia)... not anymore, I can tell you.

Fucking bastards. Nothing is sacred.

The original story can be found here.

I'm wanted by Homeland Security (and so is my money).

2008-01-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

This is a letter I sent to my congressional representatives earlier this evening:

Dear (congressional representative),

I am writing this in response to a wrong that was done to me earlier this week by the Employment Development Department, and through them, the Department of Homeland Security. As an Assistant Editor working in the television industry, it can happen that I will find myself unemployed for a few weeks every now and then between jobs. During these times, I depend on my unemployment check to offset my costs of living.

A few weeks ago, after a job had ended, I went to the EDD's website to register for my insurance, as I've done previously in the last three years. In the past, this action has been followed up quickly by a reply letter from EDD in the mail, confirming my information and containing the paperwork I need to fill out bi-weekly in order to get my check. This time, I received the paperwork, but also another letter, asking me for photocopies of proof of identity verification. I sent this proof out, and a couple days later, received another letter, this time requiring me to attend an interview at my local job center.

As much of a waste of time as this was, it didn't bother me as much as what happened next: My first pay stub arrived in the mail, sans check. On the pay stub was a big fat "$0." My unemployment check had been withheld, AFTER I had provided the proof they asked for!

At my job center interview (which ironically occurred on the same day I had started a new job), I was once again asked to prove who I was, and that I had been actively seeking work. No mention was made of my check being withheld until I brought it up.

The reason I was given, and the entire reason I'm writing this letter, was as follows: "It'll take 10-15 days to get your check to you once Homeland Security has screened your information."

WHY IS HOMELAND SECURITY INTERFERING WITH MY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK?

I was born in this country, I'm a registered voter, I'm a taxpayer. The only blemish on my record is a DUI misdemeanor, an offense that both our President and Vice-President have been convicted of, as well as quite a few other government representatives. I have no political party or religious affiliations. I have no connections to any group or person that could even slightly be considered a security risk; a Google of my name brings up a few resume credits, and the website of my aunt, a school teacher in Japan. I was a Boy Scout, for Christ's sakes!

But because Homeland Security decided I was worth screening, I'm suddenly behind on my rent payment, and just barely paying my other bills. My entire budget has broken down, and I'm forced to watch every penny until the first paycheck from my new job arrives, as I can't count on my unemployment check, something I am supposedly guaranteed from meeting specific eligibility requirements, to be there.

Why is Homeland Security interfering with the EDD? I can't imagine I'm the only everyday citizen this has happened to. Exactly what kind of terrorist network do they think can be sustained on a maximum of $450 a week?

And how much money is being wasted on fruitless ventures like this that could be used towards important things, such as checking imported cargo containers at our ports, or funding the troops that are in Afghanistan, trying to root out and destroy actual terrorist threats?

As an American citizen and taxpayer, and as a human being, I am appalled that this kind of thing is happening. I can only be thankful that I earn enough money in my line of work, to have just enough savings to keep my head above water. I can only pray for the poor soul who doesn't; that unlucky American who, as a result of Homeland Security withholding their check, misses that one car payment which brings in the repo men. Or even worse, misses that final notice mortgage payment, and ends up on the street.

Considering the amount of people who are currently unemployed in LA County as a result of the WGA strike, I truly hope this isn't a common occurrence.

Please note that I will be sending this letter to all my representatives in Congress.

Thank you for your time.

The above actually happened. What a country, huh?

I had an epiphany or two (Whatever happened to SPECTRE?).

2007-10-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

I was watching the movie "Goldfinger" with a friend of mine the other day, and the scene where Goldfinger explains his evil plan to destroy Fort Knox comes on (if you haven't seen this movie before and I'm spoiling the big plot point for you, well, shame on you, get out more). So Goldfinger flips a couple switches in his parlor room (or approximation of such), and suddenly the room basically TRANSFORMS into a war room with a giant model of Fort Knox springing out from under the floor.

Now what I'm thinking is, WHO THE FUCK BUILT ALL THAT?

I mean, this is some seriously detailed model work! And the mechanics to make it rise up like that, with the floor above it sliding over... that takes some serious engineering.

So at first I was thinking, maybe Goldfinger hired a bunch of engineers and model makers to put the thing together... but then you run into the problem of all these contractors running around later knowing of Goldfinger's plans, which would be pretty stupid on his part. Of course, he could've had them all killed... but then, someone would ask questions. Questions like "Where the fuck did all those guys that Goldfinger hired disappear to?"

As I thought more and more, I realized this was a problem in all the Bond movies. After all, SOMEONE had to carve out Blofeld's volcano lair. SOMEONE had to have put together the space station Drax flies off to. And god only knows, Stromberg's underwater fortress took some SERIOUS engineering skills to put together.

So who are these guys?

Answer: HENCHMEN!

All these villains had an army of henchmen behind them. So it only makes sense that these henchmen would be the ones who built all this crap.

This answer also explains why the henchmen have such terrible aim, and never seem to be able to hit Bond, even when he's running across a 70 foot length of space that's less than ten feet in front of them with nothing to hide behind and they've got machine guns and there's twenty of them. It's because they're not soldiers, they're engineers and building contractors.

If you gave them nail guns, they'd probably shoot the shit out of him.

The other thing I realized while watching "Goldfinger" was how much I need an evil henchman, like Oddjob or whoever (just not Jaws, I can't stand that character... Grace Jones in "A View To A Kill" would rule).

Case in point: While driving through traffic on the 405 last week, I started to change lanes, only to see one of those asshole motorcyclists who drive between lanes in heavy traffic speeding up to hit me. I quickly finished my lane change, and what does Dick Suckcocker do? He slows down in front of me, and gestures to me that I should look where I'm going.

Now, considering that I DID look to see where I was going, and Douche Bitchhole came out of nowhere (as he was probably going at least 65 while the rest of us were doing 30 tops), and I also COMPLETELY had the right-of-way, I was a bit angry. But what could I do about it? I was stuck in traffic, and he skirted off between lanes on his way home to lick his uncle's vagina.

However, if I had an evil henchman with me, the situation would have played out completely different. One glance at his license plate, another glance to my henchman, and my anger would disappear, as I'd know that very soon in the near future, Cunt Balltaint was going to have a sudden and unfortunate meeting with a bowler hat. Or a deadly tarantula. Or a shoe with a knife in the tip. Something totally awesome and completely ridiculous at the same time like that.

Goddamn, that's a lovely thought.

One last thought for the night...

2007-09-01T03:48:00.001-07:00

The phrase "Don't take any wooden nickels."

Now obviously, this phrase originally meant "don't take counterfeit currency." But, seriously, who the fuck has EVER taken a wooden nickel that wasn't a complete and total retard? I mean, c'mon, I don't care what time in history, and what kinda metal a nickel was made out of at the time... you CAN NOT fucking tell me that a wooden nickel could EVER feel the same as a legit one! That's like taking a polyester dollar. Print what you want on it, it's still not gonna feel the same.

Fucktards. Seriously.

WARNING: Semi-serious blog ahead...

2007-09-01T03:23:00.000-07:00

Whoulda thunk one of these would come around? But no, I have a gripe that has to do with my actual personal real life. And since it's in my head, I figured I'd share it.

See, I'm one of those billions of people nowadays who strives to become a "professional writer." And god bless the internet for making it seem an achievable goal for everyone nowadays, no, that doesn't make the competition even worse...

Anyway, the point is, I'm at one of those place that I hate as a writer. First of all, let me say how much I love Movie Magic Screenwriter 6, which I bought at Comic-Con last month, came in the mail a couple weeks ago, and my God... it allows you to write an outline, and then build your script based off of that, on the same document. Which for someone like me, who can NEVER bring themselves to write an outline (mainly because I just can't deal with clicking between MMS and MS Word every goddamned time I need to be reminded of where I'm going with a script, which is ALL THE TIME), is the biggest godsend I could ever ask for. I've got a script I've been tooling with for a few years now, that I never got past page 20 on, simply because I couldn't figure out the point "B" between "A" and "C"... and thanks to this program, I can finally finish, simply because I can just jot notes down until I get to the place that I know, and continue from there, going back later.

So, back to my diatribe... first of all, let me say that I love my iTunes, as it picked just the right songs for me to here... as usual, I'm working on something having to do with religious overtones (it's a comedy, and again, as usual, the idea of Hell has a lot to do with it), and just when I get to a part in my notes where I'm jotting down the MASTER PLAN of the main demon... "On Our Own" by Bobby Brown starts playing. I couldn't ask for more.

Now, here's what irks me. I'm sure I'll get past it later, but right now, it's a pain in my ass. The fact is, as I just mentioned above, I've got a character that's suddenly revealed to have a MASTER PLAN. And that MASTER PLAN is what's gonna drive the final act of the script. Problem is, for any of it to make sense, that character has to EXPLAIN the MASTER PLAN. And not only that, but once it's explained, then QUESTIONS have to be asked which hold the logic of it all together, or explain why certain things don't quite make sense. ALL PLOT HOLES MUST BE FILLED. And for all this to happen, it takes quite a few pages. Pages of nothing but exposition. Which frankly, IS NOT EXCITING ON THE SCREEN. I mean, this stuff will probably only last maybe five pages... but that's still FIVE MINUTES of nothing but TWO HEADS TALKING! Sure, they're saying funny stuff... but still, NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING.

And this is the hurdle I have to leap right now... figuring out how to make all this exposition entertaining for that long of a time. Again, I'm sure I can do it... I mean, dammit, this blog aside, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say I'm a pretty good writer. But still... it's a pain in my ass right now, and given that I can't think beyond it in my script right now, I'm just gonna waste the rest of my creativity bitching about it. So there. Have a good night.

And hey... any writers reading this blog, anyone with comments or other forms of communication... feel free to reply with your own stories of pain, or random thoughts. As the great Tangina said, all are welcome.

Today's thoughts.

2007-08-24T02:47:00.002-07:00

These are the things went through my head today. They are also reasons why I should seek psychiatric help.

- Whoever came up with the phrase "never say never" was a fucking idiot. I can think of plenty of times when "never" is a great thing to say. For instance, I NEVER want to be anally raped. I feel quite pleased with myself for that statement. I NEVER want to have a child die from SIDS. I think that's a good, healthy thing to say. Fuck the guy who said "never say never."

- When you wash towels in the laundry, do you feel just a little strange when you put them in the dryer? Like somehow, you're defeating their purpose? Maybe it's just me.

- Most automatic cars have a first and second gear available for use on hills and such. Now name me one automatic car driver that has any clue which of those two gears should be used in which situation. Personally, I think they're just there to make certain automatic car drivers wear down their gears at the same rate as manual car drivers do.

- The Dodgers seem to have gotten back on their feet this past couple weeks, but during that horrid losing streak that put them in fourth place in the N.L. West... how should I put this... for a team with that much potential to do that poorly for that extended of a period of time? Frankly, the last time I can think of a team screwing up so badly was in 1919. I won't name the team, but let's just say they came from Chicago and lost the World Series.

- Let's say two claustrophobic people get along really well. Now if someone describes their companionship as "like two peas in a pod..." do they get uncomfortable?

- Fuck World of Warcraft.

- Why does scented toilet paper exist? Exactly who is purposely sniffing the stuff? Before or after?

- Will someone please explain to me the appeal of Robin Thicke? Besides him being the son of Alan, of course. He's on every single goddamned MTV channel all the time, and I don't know why.

- "Brand new from Noxema, new Ethnic Cleanser! Wipe that race... right off your face!" (yeah, I know that's in pretty poor taste, but c'mon, the rhyme's kinda catchy)

- I just watched Robocop today for the billionth time, after purchasing the new DVD of it which came out this past Tuesday (making this the third time I've bought the movie... but this time, the set has the unrated version of the film with DTS sound! How could I refuse?!). Now, I absolutely adore this movie, as it is not only a key piece of late-80's pop culture, it's also a deliciously delightful satire of corporate America and the culture of corruption, which gets more and more poignant with each passing year (I swear I didn't crib that description, that's what actually came to mind... seriously, I'm not gay). "Pakistan's invading my borders!" Genius.

Anyway, as much as I love this movie and everything in it, there's one issue I have with it, which has bugged me since the first time I saw it. Namely, the scene when Robocop takes off his helmet, exposing the face of Murphy for the first time. See, here's the thing... through the entire movie up until that point, his chin and neck are covered by a rubberized black neckpiece. But once he takes off the helmet, AND ONLY THE HELMET, that neckpiece suddenly disappears! Not only is his chin exposed, but also his entire neck! WHERE THE HELL DID THE NECKPIECE GO?!

I suppose I should be happy my life is in good enough shape that I can actually consider that an important question. Of course, I might be using trivial bullshit like that to mask the real issues that I'm unwilling to face.

Guess the psychiatrist will know for sure...

Yay! A MySpace survey! Pt. 1

2007-08-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry to those of you waiting for Comic-Con content (all three of you), I haven't gotten the chance to get all my pics in order yet, what with all the working I've been doing, and the drinking I've been doing... oh, and yeah, to you people that got me addicted to Puzzle Quest, which has taken up the rest of my free time... I hate you all, and will soon prove it to you when my Knight has the rest of you sucking from his teet!

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted a new alphabetical MySpace survey this evening, I couldn't help but want to answer it...

A

• Are you available?: Only at Macys and participating Spencer's Gifts.

• What is your age?: A lot of people go with "Aquarius," some with "Innocence." Me personally, I'll go with the age of "Wonder." A thousand years ago, this land was green and good... until the Crystal cracked.

• What annoys you?: People who use smartassed pop culture commentary as answers for ridiculously simple questions.

B

• Do you know anyone named Billy?: I did, but then he lost my number, after all the times I told him not to. What a prick.

• When is your birthday?: The day my mother plopped me out of her vagina. Although, truth be told, I came out like a Chestburster from Alien, from what I understand.

• Who is your best friend?: My left hand. It gives me benefits.

• What's your favorite candy?: Aren't we still on "B" questions? What the fuck?

• Crush?: Okay, seriously, this is still the "B" category. And even besides that, you're not even asking a question. I can't believe I'm calling whoever came up with this survey a pigfucker this early into it.

• When was the last time you cried?: Okay. Seriously? You fuck pigs, dude.

C

• Whats your favorite color?: Mulatto. Or Mestizo. I like to blend.

• What kind of car do you want when your older?: When my older? Okay, I'll pretend to not notice the major grammatical error... I mean, how old are we talking about? If I'm 40, I want something sensible. 50, I want something that masks what horrible shape my cock is in. 60, Oldsmobile is a given... 70 and up, I either want to give up my license on account of age, or have a hovercar. After all, that will be the future, and we've been promised those things since the 1950s.

D

• Do you daydream?: I'd quote another song here, but since I can't remember the words exactly... fuck you.

• What's your favorite kind of dog?: The kind that'll let me fuck her with a bag over her head.

• What day of the week is it?: Wouldn't you like to know, Mister "I don't leave the house because I'm on my computer all the time creating MySpace surveys, and I eat marshmellows while I do it because I'm a sickeningly rotund lardass, and I can't remember what day it is because the fat under my eyes has swelled to a point where I can't make out what the little clock on my monitor says when I click on it."

E

• How do you like your eggs?: To the left.

• Have you ever been in the emergency room?: True story... when I was a very young boy, I decided my sled was perfect for sliding my arms through the blades and putting on my back, and then I could pretend to be Han Solo frozen in carbonite. It was a great little playtime, until I slipped and fell and one of the blades sliced my forehead open. I required eight stitches. Wee.

• What color are your eyes?: The color of money. That is, if money was colored the color of shit.

F

• Do you use fly swatters?: Pat Morita taught me the art of chopsticks, and I've never gone back.

• Have you ever used a foghorn?: Now exactly when the fuck would I have ever used a foghorn in my life, pray tell? When I was a captain at sea, and needed to warn other vessels of the icebergs nearby? Cause that happened? Dick?

• Is there a fan in your room?: Yes, and he's borderline obsessive, and I'm starting to fear for my life when he's around. I hear DeNiro's playing him in the remake.

G

• Do you chew gum?: Only when I'm drunk and trying to cover my breath up. Do you suck dick?

• Do you like gummy candies?: Only when I'm sucking dick and trying to cover my breath up. Are you drunk?

• Do you like gory movies?: Only when I'm... christ, there's no other way to reverse that. Go to hell. And yes, sometimes.

H

• How are you?: In what context? In bed? At shuffleboard? On 15th century Bulgarian architecture knowledge? Tell you what, let's go back to a response I had earlier... how are you at sucking dick?

• What's your height?: Probably my win on Rock N' Roll Jeopardy. Definitely my fifteen minutes so far.

• What color is your hair?: The rug matches the curtain. Drapes are a little off though.

I

• Whats your favorite ice cream?: Rainbow sherbet (I gotta answer at least one of these properly. And by properly, I mean like a retard).

• Have you ever ice skated? Little known fact... The Cutting Edge was a biopic. About me. Just because I was a preteen when it came out doesn't mean it's not true.

• Ever been in an igloo?: There's as much chance of me being in one of those as there is of you being in the warm embrace of a female companion. Even one you paid for.

J

• What's your favorite Jelly Bean?: Jellybean Johnson. Played drums for Morris Day & the Time. Teh dood roolz.

• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: You've been laid! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHAH... eh, it's not really that funny.

• Do you wear jewelry?: Occasionally I'll wear a cock ring, but that's only when I've been bad and Mistress needs to punish me with torture and subservitude.

K

• Have you ever flown a kite?: Why does this question sound like the start of a sixty year-old insult? Have you ever made like a tree and... well... left? Hmm... that one doesn't really work in print. Or in past tense. Crap.

• Do you think kangaroos are cute?: Only when chased by poachers.

And that is enough of that... I just can't stomach filling out this whole thing tonight. Maybe I'll finish it later... you know, around the time I get around to posting my Comic-Con pictures! Look for the conclusion of this survey in mid-2009 or thereabouts! Thank you.

Congratulations, Barry.

2007-08-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, through and through. I think Blue throughout the waking day, and sometimes into night. I wear my team jersey with pride; I cheer with each victory, and cry upon each defeat.

Well, not cry... perhaps "curse like a sailor" is a better term. And god knows recently, my potty mouth has known no bounds. But we're not here to talk about that (how the FUCK do you lose 13 of your last 20?! What, did we fucking switch teams with Kansas City one night, and no one bothered to tell us?! Jesus fucking Christ, guys!).

I'm all about the rivalries between west coast teams; I consistently tell the Padres to go fuck themselves whenever they're in town (not that they can hear me, but it's the animosity that counts), and I think The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim need to realize how ridiculously retardedly redundant that name is when you translate the spanish in it, not to mention the fact that Anaheim isn't even in Los Angeles COUNTY, let alone Los Angeles proper.

Fucktards.

But of all the established rivalries in this part of the world, none come close to that between the Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants. It's a rivalry that's crossed a nation, that goes back generations, almost 120 years in the making. It's two teams who've played against each other a staggering 2,260 times, the Giants having won more in New York, the Dodgers having won more in California. It's between these two teams, back in 1951, that Bobby Thomson hit the home run which became known as the "Shot Heard 'Round the World."

When the Dodgers visit San Francisco, they're met by the constant cheers of "Beat LA!" by the fans. And when the Giants come down to Los Angeles, "Giants SUCK!" echoes loudly through the capacity-filled bleachers of Dodger Stadium.

I'd mention the stadium that the Giants play at, but I imagine the name would change before I finished writing this, and I'd be out of date. Just say the word "Park" and insert any random phone company name in front of it, and that's close enough.

Now as a Dodger fan, I take great pride in letting the Giants know, when they come to town, exactly how much I hate them. And one Giant in particular stands out; the great Barry Bonds. Forget the fact that he's mired in steroid investigations, forget the fact that for a good majority of his career, he's generally been a surly prick to his fans and the press; he is the figurehead of the team, the face of the franchise, and as such, he must bare the brunt of our hatred and bile. And anyone who's been to Dodger Stadium with the Giants in town knows how easily the chant "Giants SUCK!" turns to "Barry SUCKS!" in the blink of an eye.

I love to loathe him, and I will continue to do so, up until the day he retires. But I will not loathe him today. Well, in actuality, I didn't loathe him last night, when the event I'm writing about actually took place, and I was lucky enough to witness it through the miracle of television; come to think of it, I do loathe him again today. But last night, I did not.

But since the video of his magic moment didn't appear on YouTube until today, we're shifting the timeline a bit.

Congratulations, Barry. You did it. You earned your place in sports history, and you did it well.

Now let's not talk about this again.

BARRY SUCKS!

GIANTS SUCK!

Congrats.

Things That Bug Me, 2007 Edition, pt. 1

2007-07-21T04:34:00.000-07:00

So yeah, being a normal human being, there are occasionally some things that urke me to some degree. And since this is my blog, my solitary place to bitch about those things, here is the beginning of my list for this year...

THINGS THAT BUG ME, PART 1:

STEM CELL RESEARCH OPPONENTS. - Look, I understand your argument people, it's the same bullshit you've been using against Roe Vs. Wade since the early 70's... "Every embryo is a life, every life is sacred, every life desecrated is murder."

Okay, so first off... and I've made mention of this in previous blogs, but please, right now tell me, how many of you people are pro-death penalty?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Fucking hypocrites.

Anyway, your big issue, the major problem you have with stem cell research is that it "destroys life," it destroys embryos. Now let me ask you this; do you have any comprehension about the type of embryos we're talking about here? We're not talking about embryos taken from women trying to conceive, we're talking about embryos created in a lab for no purpose other than research. They are nothing more than a small group of cells. And they get thrown out when unused after a period of time.

Taking this into account, your logic also suggests that we shouldn't eat yogurt, as yogurt is created by bacteria, and thusly holds living cells in it. And it gets thrown out when it's no good as well.

And let me ask you this question; being a male in my late 20's, I have a tendency to masturbate. As most males do, from the age of 13 up until... well, christ, I won't know until I get there, but we're talking 60's, 70's at the least. So now tell me, considering each ejaculation I perform upon myself carries thousands of living sperm out into the open, to die within seconds... does this make me a murderer?

But I digress...

EMO KIDS BUYING RECORDS. - Look, here's the deal... I love records. I love vinyl. I love the feeling of putting a needle in the groove, hearing that slight scratch emanate through the speakers, and feeling the first song on my record come to life.

But I also only love that feeling when it's real.

Here's what I mean: Up until a few years ago (like, ten or fifteen), most recordings were made in an analog style, usually onto tape. These tapes were then mastered, and copied onto a number of different sources... a couple decades ago, they'd be put onto a master record, from which all copies would be printed from. Or there would be a master tape, which carried the 8-track or cassette recordings. But then, towards the mid-80's, there was suddenly a master CD.

And the CD was digital. It couldn't hold all the nuances the analog recording did, as it was stuck with a specific bit rate, a specific bandwidth of frequency it could hear. So the earliest recordings on digital media sounded tinny, and never had the warmth of the analog masters. And vinyl fans rejoiced, and spoke down about this new media, that couldn't possibly ever carry the true vibe of the music that they loved so much.

But as the years went by, digital media grew into higher standards, and higher quality. And the recording industry caught on, and suddenly, everything was being mastered digitally. All recording studios started recording artists onto a high-frequency digital medium. And analog was a thing of the past.

But hark! What is this I hear? The kids of the next generation actually listened when their parents talked about how wonderful analog vinyl was, and now they're willing to pay through the nose to buy vinyl copies of their current favorite band's albums?!

And they don't pay any attention to the fact that they're listening to digital media on an analog source?!

Here's the long and short of it; the earliest CDs, the ones made up until somwhere in the late 90's, carry a code on them, usually the letters "AAD." What that stands for is "Analog Analog Digital." Basically, an Analog master created an Analog source, which was then recorded onto Digital media. And quality was lost between the analog and digital.

Nowadays, CDs no longer have that label, as everything is made from digital sources. But now, explain to me, how a Digital master, to a Digital source, recorded to Analog media (records), is going to be any good? I mean, how much of your digital signal is lost recording to an analog source? And how much more will be lost as your vinyl degrades under the needle?

This is why I think the Emo kids buying records are idiots... their record collections will never sound as good as the digital masters.

But I guess that's something else for them to be despondent about...

(End of Part One.)

Never rains when...

2007-07-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

After putting off washing my car for about half a year, as the tendency for rainy days during winter and spring were too great (and happening every time I even thought about washing it), I finally took her to the car wash yesterday to get the whole shebang done; wash, wax, sealer, vacuum, tires, etc.

SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENS TODAY?!

And to prove even more that it rained on account of me, the drops fell at precisely the correct angle that they could splash the back of my car, which is currently parked in a covered carport. And they were big drops as well, the ones that leave a giant ring where they land.

The spoiler and trunk are now pitted with huge watermarks.

Goddamn you, mother nature. After everything I've done for you...

That's it. This week I'm leaving all the lights on in my apartment, and running water all throughout my tooth brushing.

That'll show you, bitch.

Big Ideas For A Small Planet... Watch It This Tuesday

2007-07-07T03:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don't know, this past winter and spring I spent working as an assistant editor on the show Big Ideas For A Small Planet, an environmental documentary series for the Sundance Channel.

Now, as much of a clusterfuck as the production was, admittedly the end product was incredibly good, and I'm ridiculously proud to have worked on the show (even with the Lexus sponsorship).

This Tuesday, Sundance will be showing the episode entitled "Pray." It's one of my absolute favorites, as it shows, without a doubt, that environmental concerns aren't just a concern created by hippie athiests, but an issue that even the most right-wing religious folk do and should care about.

There's a story about a Reverend preaching environmental care to elementary school children of different faiths and practices, a segment about a Southern Baptist woman opposing the evils of mountaintop removal coal mining, and a piece about a Florida based company that will literally use your dead ashes to bring life back to the coral reefs.

Anyway, the point is, this is a very good show, and I'd quite like to share it with the lot of you. It airs this Tuesday, July 10th, at 9pm EST/PST. Please watch it, TiVo it, share it with your friends, buy it off iTunes (the full series is only $20!), whatever. Just share the message.

"Umbrella" by Rhianna... Why do I love it so?

2007-07-03T03:43:00.001-07:00

Is it that ridiculously catchy hook of a chorus?

Is it that repetitive chord progression that somehow sounds fresh with each repetition?

Is it Jay-Z, upon knowing this song would be a hit, forcing himself into the beginning of it with a completely out of place rap, just to prove his corporate ass still should be considered "an artist?"

Or is it that part of the video where 19-year old hottie Rihanna does the naked Goldfinger chick thing, but in black and white, making her look silverish, shiny, and just plain awesome?

Before I get too far ahead of myself, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the song, and accompanying video (presented by Covergirl, as you'll see the second you click on the play icon... and don't forget to watch through to the end, to see Rhianna shill for her favorite lip gloss manufacturer!):

Okay, now let the song digest for a second. In fact, take a few minutes, go open another tab in your browser, do something else for a little while (like maybe read something of importance, as opposed to this blog, maybe the news or something... did you know Bush commuted Libby's sentence today? Will someone PLEASE give me a justifiable reason why our President isn't in jail for treason by now?). Once you're done with that, come on back here... and TELL ME THAT SONG ISN'T STILL STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

Even if it's just one little piece, one little echo of the chorus ("-ella, -ella, ey, ey, ey"). Something repeating through your brain over and over, making you need to hear the song again, play it over and over. You can't tell me different.

Now, understand where I'm coming from... I, for the most part, HATE most music of the last 15 years or so. There are a few bands I like here and there, a few songs I enjoy, but for the most part, it's my opinion that modern music died when a.) Bush and Candlebox landed a one-two TKO punch to grunge and rock music in general, and b.) Michael Jackson got in trouble for child molestation the first time (yes, that long ago).

But now and then, someone creates a hit single, that, as far as I'm concerned, completely deserves to be a hit, and more so. Nelly did it a few years ago with "Hot In Here," as did Beyonce with "Crazy In Love" (another track that Jay-Z poked his nose into). Justin Timberlake did it with "Rock Your Body," and goddamn, Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" is still one of my favorites. Hell, even the recent "Fergalicious" by, who else, Fergie, is a kick ass track.

It's rare though, that I'm prompted to buy an album thanks to a single... after all, of all five songs I just listed, I can only think of one which belonged to an album that justifued purchase, and that was Gwen Stefani's (go figure, since I've never been into No Doubt). But Rhianna's song is so damn good that I went out and bought the album immediately. No speculation, no wait for a second single, no download of it from Soulseek before deciding to purchase... nope, I just went ahead and bought it. And guess what? It's a fantastic album! So fantastic I'm even gonna link to a purchase option right here, Good Girl Gone Bad by Rhianna, available in fine stores everywhere, and online in a few places.

Hell, it's so good that I'm willing to forget the fact that after finding the video for the song on YouTube, I soon after found this:

I mean, I understand the world of shilling for the man... christ, even the most respectable project that I've worked on, Big Ideas For A Small Planet, was still sponsored by Lexus (and I won't even begin to discuss how they stuck their noses into the episode about driving, suffice to say it was either as bad or worse as the writing in that Covergirl advert was). It's pretty much a given nowadays that the only way to get out in the public eye is by allowing corporate sponsorship to travel alongside (not that this is a new concept; didn't they used to sell cigarettes during the Mickey Mouse Club?).

Point is, the song is so good, I could care less about the sponsorship. Hell, I could care less about the fact that it's one of those songs that makes regular people think they can sing it:

Quick question aside... why is it that every single person who sings a pop song into their webcam for YouTube has to be shirtless, and so ridiculously gay that a flaming drag queen homosexual will look at them and say, "Goddamn, honeybuns, you are fucking gay!"? Is there a written rule that I didn't notice when I agreed to the rules and regulations for the site?

Anyways, back to the point... there's one other thing I love about this song, and that is, the fact that it's the rare pop song nowadays that's not about sex, or drugs, or partying, or bling... it's about friendship, and caring for another (and here are the lyrics, for whoever wants them). It's about loving a person so much as a friend, that you're happy to be there for them at any time. Maybe you were once an item, but you're not anymore, who cares? You're still there for that person who meant so much to you, no matter what. "And that's when you need me there, with you I'll always share..." something best friends would say to one another. It's sweet, it's innocent, it's lovely.

Unless of course, "umbrella" is a synonym for "vagina." In which case the song's about a pity fuck.

However, I can't imagine a girl willing to do that ever going so far as saying "come into me," and meaning it in that context. So yeah, we'll stick with the innocent subtext for now.

Although Rihanna is naked and silvery in the video... hmm...

The Match.com chick hates me.

2007-06-19T03:23:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe she doesn't hate me... but she sure doesn't have a good impression of me.

Here's the story... so I was sitting in front of my computer bare-assed naked tonight... and before the retarded 13-year olds that read this shit get all vomitory over the concept, figure it's 3:30am, it's warm in my bedroom, and I don't feel like turning on the A/C, so why the hell should I not be in a state of undress? Unless the Dali Lama or my dead grandmother is about to burst through my door and catch me, I can't think of any reason why not.

Anyway, so me and my cock were signing off of MySpace. Now before I continue in this story, please be aware that I'm one of the very few smart people in this world that actually angle their computer monitors down, so that I'm sitting above it and looking downwards at the screen, thus saving my eyes quite a load of strain. If you didn't know that you were supposed to do this, then congratulations, I just G.I.Joe'd your ass, you are now prepared to go fight half a battle.

So mind you, the screen is looking down. Now, when you sign off of MySpace currently, it's almost a given that one of those stupid "Flash video that's supposed to look like live webchat" Match.com ads is gonna dead center in the middle of the screen. Which in this scenario was definitely the case. And this is what that Match. com screen looked like:

Notice she's looking downward. Now imagine your monitor is at the same angle that mine is at, and you can immediately guess where she's looking on my naked self. So immediately, the question springs to my mind...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT LOOK SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! But it gets worse...

Great, so now she's cracking up. She's laughing at my manhood. Wow, way to boost my self-esteem, Match.com. You pigfuckers.

Now, being that these are still shots, I can't quite get across the length of time she sat there laughing. Rest asssured, it was quite a while. And then, she calms down and does this:

Taking a drink. Great. While still observing my package. Getting her thoughts together. Which means she's either debating, contemplating, or just plain disturbed. I'd like to think contemplating...

...but since she's obviously attempting to ignore me here by finding anything else she can possibly look at, possibly looking for help from someone in the studio? I imagine it's probably revulsion on her part.

Which makes me curious now as to whether these little webcam animations are actually that, or possibly more? Could these random women actually be live, and peering into our rooms, checking out our junk when we're dressed for the womb?

Or have I just had a couple too many Mai Tais?

Of course, that would account for shrinkage, in which case she probably wouldn't be very impressed...

I guess I'll never truly know for certain.

I just wonder how she can see me when I don't have a webcam hooked up...

Thriller by Bollywood.

2007-06-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is either what happens when India imitates 80's Michael Jackson... or it's what happens when a spaz with horrible fashion sense gets late-stage hepatitis and tries to get laid. In either case, it's fucking horrifying. At least that's my opinion. What do you people think?

And for an interesting interpretation of the lyrics, go here. It's quite worth the extra four minutes of your life.

Something that's been puzzling me...

2007-06-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm all about the ridiculousness of stereotypes. I'm totally about tearing them down, and proving they're not necessarily true.

For instance, I know quite a few Jews, and none of them are greedy, or have huge noses.

I know a few black people, and from the knowledge we've shared, their dicks are no bigger than mine. Well, not always, anyway. And a couple of them, I can actually jump higher than.

I've met a few Indians that have nothing to do with convenience stores.

And I've met Native Americans that can drink in moderation.

But I swear to God... until I meet an Oriental NASCAR driver, I will refuse to believe they have any skill behind the wheel.

And hey, before someone gets on my case for using the term "Oriental," can I please point out that if I use the word "Asian," then I include Indians, Arabs, and even a couple post-Soviet Bloc countries? I mean shit, they're all in Asia.

Right now, this ridiculous war we've created in Iraq? Hey, guess what?! Iraq's in Asia! Right now, our troops are fighting in Asia! And some people can't find a connection between this war and Vietnam...

Anyway, the point is, after careful study (my focus group includes every drive I've taken to get to work in the past three years), almost every accident I've almost been in would have been caused by an Oriental woman in a minivan (again, I understand the term "Oriental" can be considered racist by some, but you have to understand, it wasn't a Saudi in a burka that almost killed me a number of times, it was a woman of Eastern Asian descent, and since I was unfortunately not close enough to be able to distinguish Korean from Chinese from Japanese from Cantonese, etc., which amazingly, I'm actually usually pretty decent at, I have to go with Oriental, as that's the old word for that side of Asia... and hey, if someone's got a better word, I'll be happy to use it).

You know, now that I think of it, perhaps an Oriental man will someday be able to prove himself behind the wheel on a test track. After all, in all the close calls I've had driving to work, it's almost never an Oriental man driving that minivan which wants to run me into a narrow ditch. It's always a woman. With straightened hair cropped to her neckline. It's the women I doubt.

I wonder if it's the same one...

Yeah, this blog's gonna get me lots of sex, you betcha. But that's okay. That's not what I care about.

Oh, hey, by the way, after a yearlong absence... I'm back. Burn, baby, burn. Etc.

Adages To Live By.

2006-07-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

- If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, beat the hell out of them for being snobby bitches.

- There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless, of course, someone gives you lunch without asking for anything in return. In which case lunch becomes hypocritical.

- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are just seriously fucking awesome birds.

- Two wrongs don't make a right. They make a wrongwrong.

- That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Unless we're talking about a severe degenerative muscular disease.

- People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Especially when they're stoned themselves.

- Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and as boring as a pity fuck.

- Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Especially wrongwrongs.

- It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. However, according to the religious right, it is easier for a needle to pass through the eye of a camel than for a poor man to enter.

MySpace Top 8 Survey

2006-06-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

How did you meet 6?
Why are you friends with 3?
Is 7 in a relationship?
Have you kissed 1?
Have you hugged 4?
Have you done anything sexual with 6?
Would 1 and 8 make a good couple?
How long have you know 2?
Would you ever kiss 7?
Whats a good memory with 5?
Ever hugged 8?
Do you love 4?
Is 5 nice?
How did you meet 3?
Who makes you laugh?
Who makes you smile?
When was the last time you saw 4?
Would 3 and 6 make a cute couple?
Does 8 love you?
Do you see 3 a lot?
Describe 4 in 3 words?
What would you buy 1 for their birthday?
Have you traveled anywhere with 5?
Do you have fun with 7?
Is 2 a cool person?
Who is the loudest?
Do any of them get on your nerves sometimes?
Do you know when 6's birthday is?
What do you really think of 3?
Best memory with 4?
Does 1 even know you?
Is 5 happy?
Does 7 live close?
Do you have any classes with 2?
Have you and 3 ever hooked up?
Are you and 8 close?
Do you wanna kiss 4?
Is 6 a good person?
Does 2 own a car?
How did you choose your Top 8?

Why the toaster in my work lunchroom sucks.

2006-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Just look at what the pig fucker did to my Pop-Tart!

Yes, that's right. One end is burned, the other is raw. One side of the frosting is caramelized, the other is mushy. How the fuck does this happen, especially with the entire Pop-Tart locked inside the toaster? All of it being warmed at the same time? I don't fucking get it.

Maybe later I'll post a picture of the culprit that did this. Just to show the world what kind of toaster the terrorists use.

Goddammit.

Another Reason Why the 80's Sucked.

2006-06-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

Which one are you?

2006-06-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

Don't like the White House? Want to make a difference?

2006-05-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

Three candidates for the House of Representatives have taken it upon themselves to start a call for the immediate impeachment of Bush and Cheney.

As this is a goal that I find myself in complete and total agreement with, I feel compelled to post a link to their site here.

http://www.impeachteam.com/index.php

The site is a simple form letter... you fill out your info, and maybe a comment about why impeachment is a necessity, and they'll send it out to all your representatives, as well as your local newspapers if you're CA-based.

http://www.impeachteam.com/index.php

It takes three minutes of your time to do, and who knows... you mght just end up a small part of a huge difference.

And there's my political editorial for the week.

I hate writing letters.

2006-05-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, a friend of mine had a stand-up special debut on Comedy Central. I wanted to give him a call and congratulate him (his name's Kyle Cease, catch his special if you can, he's absolutely hilarious), but it'd been probably a year and a half since I'd seen the guy, and it was always through a mutual friend, so I didn't have any current contact info for him. I mentioned this to the mutual friend through an IM conversation (as we are too evolved to use those primitive devices some people call "phones" anymore), and she suggested that I drop him a note on MySpace.

After taking a minute to recall that MySpace actually has uses beyond being a child molester dating service, I agreed that this was a wise decision, looked him up, and found myself staring at MySpace's message form. A blank form, waiting for me to fill it with some wonderful musings on how much I enjoyed my friend's show.

You'd think this would be simple; all I needed to say was "Hey, been a while! Great show! Congrats!" Very easy, straight to the point. Problem is, you can't write that. It's too short, it amounts to nothing! What the hell kind of letter would that be? Something that simple would work as a comment, maybe... it would work perfectly in conversation, as the other person would immediately fill in the blanks, and stretch it out. But as a letter, it's crap.

So I started writing. Along with the "hey, been a while," I listed off a bunch of places we'd hung out, just in case he didn't remember. Of course, then I'm thinking, "am I treating this guy like he's got Alzheimer's? Or like he's such a star now, I don't register anymore, being one of the little people? Or do I look like I'm trying to seem incredibly important?" To offset this possible insult, I crack a couple jokes. Yeah, that's great. Cracking jokes to a comedian. Like everybody and their mothers don't barrage him with dumbassed comments all the time, trying to be funny.

(and yes, grammarticians, I know I changed from past to present tense during that last bit, I also wipe after I pee, what's it to ya)

All right, next paragraph. The congrats. This part's easy... "saw your show, it was great, congrats!" Okay, that's done... but now, I've said all I have to say. I'm left with nothing. No leadout, no final statement, no conclusion to my original hypothesis... god, how anticlimactic.

So now I've gotta make something up. I could always go with the easy out... ask a question, force him to continue the conversation... "How are things with you?" Simple, saves the need for an ending... only problem is, he's on the road all the time, and probably has tons of people writing to him through MySpace. So it's kind of rude to finish that way, like I'm expecting him to reply, and will be insulted if he doesn't. Okay, that's out.

Maybe I should end with the friend request? Cause he is, technically, a friend. But then it's still a little weird, because this is an out of the blue letter, so I'm just ASSUMING the guy remembers me, much less even likes me as a human being. For all I know, he could write back with something like "if you ever contact me again, I'm going to shit in a bowl of oatmeal, and create shoatmeal, and then I'm gonna forcefeed the shoatmeal to your cat while I rape it, and then I'm gonna slowly run over the cat's corpse, cause it'll be dead by then, killed by rape and shoatmeal, I'm gonna slowly run over the corpse with a Big Wheel out of spite, cause I don't like you," and after that, a friend request is a little pointless. So scratch that one also.

Ultimately, I end the letter with my name. And that's it. Pathetic.

Maybe it's my own fault, my own need to embellish that makes it so difficult to write a simple congratulatory note. But really, if someone wrote you a note that said "way to go!" and that was it, wouldn't you feel like there was something missing? Some emphasis, some extra oomph lacking?

I think the problem is that I know in my soul what I have to say, and anything beyond that is simply bullshit. All I have in me is one, fully sincere, "Congratulations!" There's no need for more, and yet there is, because that doesn't translate in a note. But what does translate is a bunch of wordage that I don't have in me.

I have issues like this with other types of notes as well. Like when someone passes a birthday card around, for all to sign. No one wins in that situation. First off, unless some hilarious thing just happened like a half-hour before the card was passed that works as a decent inside joke, you've really got nothing to say but "happy birthday." Maybe in caps, followed by an exclamation point, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!," to prove that you REALLY mean it, that you're SINCERE. Or if you're feeling all Joe Cool about it, you can write "B-DAY." Cause you live life in the fastlane, and you don't have the time to write out those four extra letters.

Ultimately though, you need to write something, and you have to think of something to write, but you better make it quick, because OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO SIGN THE CARD! They're WAITING! And hold on, PUT AWAY THE CARD, THE BIRTHDAY BOY/GIRL MIGHT SEE IT! Because they haven't noticed people passing a pen around all night, or huddled in corners trying to keep something they're writing in away from his view, and they'll be completely surprised upon receiving this card.

It's like trying to pee with someone staring at your crotch, yelling "DO IT! HERE IT COMES! LET'S DO THIS!" at you through a megaphone. Slightly unnerving, to say the least. But you have to take some time, because you have to read EVERY OTHER COMMENT, and make sure yours is as good if not better than what everyone else wrote. Which is why one should always feel sorry for the first person who signed the card, as their comment will end up being paltry and insignificant compared to everyone elses. In fact, they're lucky to still be friends with the birthday person by the end of the evening.

The worst thing about that card, however, as it is with all cards, is the immediate redundancy it forces a person to be a part of. I mean, there's a very good chance that a birthday card will probably have the phrase "Happy Birthday!" printed on it somewhere, isn't there? Meaning that everyone who writes that phrase on the card is just repeating what's already been said.

But cards force you to do that, and it's very unfortunate. Like a "Get Well Soon" card, for instance. I don't know if I've ever seen a "Get Well Soon" card that didn't say "Get Well Soon" right on the front of it. And that pisses me off, because they've taken the only thing you want to say away from you. I mean, what's left? "Good luck to ya!" "Try not to cough anything up!" "Could be worse, you could be dead!"

All anyone wants to say with a "Get Well Soon" card is "get well soon," but not only do they take that away, then they leave a giant blank space inside the card, forcing you to embellish, forcing you to come up with something ridiculous that just ends up making you look like a tool. But it's either that or leaving the space blank, which makes you an even bigger tool.

I suppose I should write a final statement here, but as I'm under no moral obligation to do so on this, my own blog, I'll just wrap up with one final sentence:

FUCK YOU, HALLMARK.

Ahh. Now that's a satisfying conclusion.

A Visit To E3 (or, Wii the People)

2006-05-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

That Coachella blog's still coming, hold your horses, people!

This past Friday, I was one of the few, the proud, etc., to attend the 2006 Electronics Entertainment Expo at the Convention Center in Los Angeles. I've been going for a number of years now, via a number of ways (usually through work, other times through super secret means that I cannot mention lest some innocents be slaughtered), and this was a year that I was especially excited about. Two new systems unveiled! Dozens of next-gen games to be played! Hot chicks in skimpy viking outfits hawking merchandise they know nothing about! What more could one want?

This year, one could want a LOT more.

For one, the booth babes were forced to wear more clothing while pretending they were there for more than a paycheck. But that's a miniscule issue.

What truly bugged me was just how little innovation I saw in the next generation of games, namely in the XBox 360 and PS3 categories (I'll hold off on the Wii for a bit). After all, look at the promises Microsoft and Sony were making:

"Immersive game environments, smarter A.I.!"

"Exciting new controllers!"

"HD graphics leagues beyond anything the current-gen games can offer!"

Here's what I saw:

Immersion and A.I.? Eh, about the same. Maybe bad guys ducked bullets a little quicker. And I'll admit, it was kind of cool how many of the objects lying around levels were interactive (random boxes and chairs easily blown up or picked up, etc.). But besides that, there wasn't much to make me truly notice a huge difference.

New controllers? Admittedly, this was a Sony claim only (again, I'll talk about the Wii in a bit). But in their press conference they made it seem like a rather big deal. In practice though, it's just the PS2 controller with some built-in gyros that make it act like a handheld version of the steering yoke on the old Star Wars arcade game. Decent concept, but a little wonky in practice.

HD graphics? Okay, I'll admit, the graphics on a lot of these games were quite beautiful, definitely much cleaner and crisper, much more detailed than what any current-gen console can offer. But now here's my issue with that:

Quick disclaimer: I'm about to get technical with screen resolutions and shit like that. If you don't know anything about the subject, you might want to read up on it before proceeding (here's a good place to start).

I, like most of America, currently own an NTSC television set that runs at 480i. While these next-gen graphics looked beautiful on the 1080i HD monitors they were previewed on at E3, they're gonna fall quite short on my TV at home, even through component inputs. And since these graphics are being tailored for that HD screen, they could very well look like a bloody mess on my set (skinny lettering looks beautiful in HD... on NTSC, it's almost illegible).

Now, as I mentioned earlier, the differences in gameplay between current-gen and next-gen games are pretty negligible. So unless I shell out the cash for an HDTV when I buy one of these new systems, there's really no worth in me upgrading right now. Especially when you figure that the systems themselves cost between $400-$600 (top-end price gets you a fully packed PS3 with a built in Blu-Ray DVD player... but again, without an HDTV, Blu-Ray is useless), add onto that the cost of an HDTV, and suddenly the only people that can buy all this shit are those still getting taxcuts from the Bush administration.

Oh, and did I mention the HDMI interface cable to connect the TV and game system, which is the only way to enjoy the full 1080i resolution, costs $100 alone? And that's a cheapie at Radio Shack.

So ultimately, a full investment into this next generation is going to cost around $2000. And that's before buying any actual games. Games that don't have much to offer in the way of innovation aside from better graphics.

Yeah, I think I'll wait a bit before making that investment. And somehow, I think a lot of people are going to feel the same way come Christmas.

And this is why I think Nintendo has the best chance this year with their new system, the Wii.

Yes, it's a ridiculous name. But it kinda sticks with you, doesn't it? Plus, it's fun to say. Just mouth it to yourself, right now. You don't even have to make a noise, just mouth it.

"Wii."

Hard not to smile, isn't it? Say it again. "Wii." Bet you smiled again, too. Unless you're a Nazi baby rapist or something. Bet you laughed when E.T. died also, you sick fuck.

Anyway, the Wii pales in comparison with Microsoft and Sony's systems. The graphics aren't HD, it has no built-in movie player (or add-on possibility), and it's got a weird new-fangled controller that senses movement.

On the other hand, who gives a fuck? The fact is, it's fresh, it's innovative, and it'll most likely be a couple hundred dollars cheaper than the other systems.

Admittedly, I probably shouldn't have a fully formed opinion just yet... I didn't even get the chance to LOOK at the thing during E3, much less play it.

However, the reason for this was that the line to get in the Nintendo booth to play the Wii was about three hours long, and never let up. People were lining up in droves to get to this thing. And when they'd emerge from Nintendo's booth, they were smiling, laughing, the lucky recipients of a good time.

I'd talk to a few people about their experience with the Wii here and there, and each time, I'd get the same reaction, an excited rambling of how cool it was using that weird motion-sensing controller as a bow and arrow, or how much fun it was trying to balance the thing in their hand like a broomstick to score points, or how well it worked when used as a gun in a first-person shooter. Someone remarked to me how well it worked when used as a steering wheel; someone else laughed about having to put it on their head so that the squats they were doing would register.

All over the showfloor this year, I got a sense of "been there, done that" from every booth, from every exhibitor and retailer I saw (except in Kentia Hall, where Engrish spawns from the dark orifices of Manga-nized kung-fu warriors selling wares from the deepest depths of Southeast Asia... in that area, I got more of a sense of "BIG NUMBER ONE IS FRUITY GOOD TIME! QUIZ GAME PLUNGES HERO YOU IN CHUNKY LOVE JUICE!"). But at Nintendo's booth was a real sense of awe and innovation. People were curious, they were intrigued, and most importantly, they weren't disappointed. If anything, I saw people who'd been laughing about the Wii when it was first announced last year suddenly changing their minds and saying, "Hey, Nintendo's got something here."

Ultimately, we'll see what happens. But it's my bet that come Christmas time, people all over the country are going to go to their friendly neighborhood Toys 'R' Us or Gamestop or EB or wherever they buy games, and see the PS3, XBox 360, and Wii sitting next to each other on the shelves. And I think most of them will be picking up the Wii. Sure, it'll probably be because of the INSANE price difference, but I think they'll also be intrigued by this brand new, yet incredibly simple concept Nintendo's brought to the world of gaming. I think they'll see that not only can hardcore gamers enjoy these games, but so can everyone in the family, so can the friends at the party, so can the kids in the cancer ward years after the fact when dad's cheap ass donates the old game system to them instead of making a real cash donation.

Fact is, the innovations offered by the XBox 360 and the PS3 are technical bells and whistles, most of them pretty useless to the general public at this time. What the Wii offers is something everyone can get into, namely, pure & simple entertainment.

Sony and Microsoft spent so much time trying to bring the future to us, they forgot to notice that most of us are still living in the present, and have a bit of difficulty connecting to that future with immediacy. Nintendo, on the other hand, went the other route, and decided to make the present as much fun as possible.

Wii!

A Momentary Lapse of Writing

2006-05-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's the best way to kill a blog?

How about post something that brings thousands of new IP hits to your site, links you to some of the big name blogs out there, and overnight, gives you a dent into the online community, and then, don't post ANYTHING ELSE FOR THREE WEEKS!

Yup, that's what I've done... brainiac that I am. But hey, I had no choice... a couple days after my last Kimberly post, I came down with a nasty flu, and had no interest in living, let alone sitting at a computer. Then came Coachella weekend, and after that... well, after that I've just been lazy.

But rest assured, I shall soon resume my random musings and mumblings, going-ons and what-nots. I apologize in advance to the people I offend.

Coming soon to this blog:

An in-depth wrap-up of my Coachella weekend, complete with pictures (provided I get around to uploading them)

Another in-depth review, this one of the floor show at E3

A pic-by-pic walkthrough of the video for the song "Can You Feel It" by The Jacksons

...and a whole plethora of surveys and rants and random bullshit.

Come to think of it, maybe it's best I wasted the opportunity to gain readers, I wouldn't want to browse this shit...

One thought to leave you with:

Hey, Bush apologists. Yeah, you people in that 31 percent who still think this administration's doing a good job, that there were WMDs in Iraq, that Iraq and 9/11 are somehow connected, that wire-tapping is necessary to prevent terror. Yeah, what's the other name for you people? Um... oh yeah... HEY, DOUCHEBAGS!

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CONTINUE TO STAND UP FOR THIS GUY?! Christ, you guys are worse than Cubs fans, I swear! I just don't understand how your brains are so small that they can't comprehend just how fucked-up downhill this country is going right now.

All I can do is create an analogy that will hopefully make sense in your "USA! USA! Remember the Alamo, mom and apple pie, I shoot immigrants" minds. And that analogy is this:

Would you have stood up for Hitler? No? How about Stalin? Hmm... Castro? Apparently, those are evil Nazis and Communists to you, aren't they? They represent everything wrong with politics to you, don't they?

Now explain to me where their propaganda machines were all that different from our propaganda machine. Tell me why their treatment of their people is so different from the treatment we've been getting.

Sure, you can argue that in Hitler's case, he was committing genocide... of course, there are genocides going on all over the world right now that our government has been COMPLETELY ignoring. Seems to me that by our own laws, when one has knowledge that cold-blooded murder is happening, yet does nothing to stop it or otherwise help prevent it, that's considered being an accessory.

Let's not forget the fact either, that our president led an attack on a sovereign nation (something Hitler did quite a few times). By international law, that makes him a criminal.

Jesus, here I was just writing an excuse for not being around, now it's turning into a real blog entry... yeah, that must mean it's time to go. But rest assured, I'll be back soon!

Quick reply to a comment: Hey Lindsay, long time no talk! Sorry I can't leave any real contact info here, but I've had enough of home loan and penile implant emails, and as these waters are trolled by bots constantly, I fear putting out any real personal information. Try looking me up through MySpace if you're on that shambles of a website... otherwise, I'll figure out someway to get in touch. Ciao!

(Good god, I just wrote "Ciao" as a signature, what a fuckin' retard)