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He already has a GF, But...

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 13:30:02 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

There's this guy i love and he wants to date me, but he has a girlfriend. He told me he doesn't love her and that its me he loves. When i asked him to break up with her, he said he'll do it gradually so as not to hurt her. I think he's lying to me and he just wants to take advantage of me. But he sounds as if he really loves me. Im confused.

Sincerely, Sandra

Dear Sandra,

There isn't anything to be confused about. Just as he is lying to her, Hes lying to you. But, if you really want to give him the time of day as you already have, then go for it.

~Doctor Lover

He Can't Get Over my Past

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 13:06:04 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

Me and my boyfriend are having problems regarding with my past. We keep on arguing and end up starting a fight because of issues happened to me before he came in my life. I am not a perfect person, not a perfect girl and not a perfect girlfriend. I have committed some mistakes and i have surely regretted everything. I used to have a wild past. I have committed sex with different men. When me and him started our relationship, he wants to know everything about me, he keeps on asking what things I have done in my life and though it feels awkward, i answered him the truth. He's having a hard time to get over with my past. He keeps on reminding me of each one of them, asking about what positions, when, where and how many times have i committed myself with this kind of thing. i mean having sex. We had a major fight last month and I have attempted suicide because of the pain i felt so much in my heart. It so happened that I searched a guy from my past on facebook and he knew about it and i said a white lie that I only saw his account on those PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW.. After a week of pain and trouble, we got back together and tried to work things out.. But the problem is, he felt betrayed and he said that i broke his trust.. He also said that what I did is really a big mistake because he said, the reason why I'm viewing the guy is because I miss him or i have feelings for him which was eventually not really true.. I want to understand him and fix everything about us but we can't battle with this kind of issue every now and then.. I love him so much.. I really don't know what to do.. I don't want to take losing him or letting him go as an option even I have read thru the internet lots of problems like me and people's advice is to let go of that person which i can't really do. I wish you could help me and give me good advice for myself and for him.. I am totally a different person now Doctor Lover, i used to drink, smoke and flirt before.. everything changed when he came.. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.. I hope i could receive your feedback asap.. Thanks!

Sincerely, Ms. Sibee

Dear Ms. Sibee,

Firstly, when a man ask about your sexual past, you should never answer that truthfully if its bad. No man wants to hear, know or think about his woman with another man. Period. Stop answering questions like that and simply reply that it doesn't matter how many men you have been with.
in addition, no one is worth trying to kill yourself over, so stop thinking that way. there will always be another and if not, then live for yourself.
as for you searching for this guy on FB, then your BF did have a good reason to be upset. if you do want to search for someone again, make sure that you do it more discreetly.
what you need to do now is talk with him and let him know that you are trying your hardest to change for him and let him know that you do want to make the relationship last. also, let him know that in order for the relationship to work you both need to get over the past and start new with one another. both of you seem to hold on to what was and not what is. together is the only way to fix this problem.

~Doctor Lover

Is She Really Gone for Good?

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 13:00:05 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 7 years now. We fell for each other after being good friends in our college days. We loved each other truly and madly and I still do. What has transpired over the years is a communication gap primarily due to the distance between us.. And I know that my possessive nature has more often than not hurt her as she thinks that I dont trust her. I get dejected when I know she was talking to her good friends (male). I tried to restrict her and curb her. I knew I was wrong but the possessiveness was getting the better off me. But we shared a lot of good times together. We had a lot of love for each other despite these arguments. I have also hurt her with my words when I am angry. I never meant the words I said but I do know now that she was being hurt by it but then I was only writhing in my anger. I never took efforts to clear off the air as I always put away the issue under the rug and began the new day with only one thing in my mind that she was my life and the only one who mattered to me. Sadly she did not do the same.. She remembered everything I said. I know I should have fixed it. I know I let it grow in her but i was only hoping that as soon as we start living together with our established careers, I can remove that impasse between us. Recently we had an argument and we didnt speak for a month as both of us were out of town traveling. She recently called me and told me that she is breaking up with me and wants to end it all. I know she is not saying the truth because I see that she still loves me. But now she is really angry. She is flaring up on me, accusing me, abusing me, denying cold heartedly that she ever loved me and that she doesn't want me in her life. I know she does and I know I love her too. I have realized my mistakes and I have been through the worst times of my life emotionally. She thinks that I am now trying to say whatever she likes to win her back. The truth is I love her and I know I can give her the happiness she needs. I know what I have done and I have learnt it the hard way. I want to be with her and keep her happy. I know this is not the regular love and cheat kind of scenario, but I just hope that you can help me out and tell me what I can do. Honestly I am out of options and my mental state is not allowing me to think properly too. I need your help please.

Sincerely, Vijay

Dear Vijay,

Right now, i believe it would be best if you do give her some space just to see what life is without you. What you can do is try starting from scratch. Start as a friend and work your way up again. With starting from scratch it involves flirting again, calling her at night and letting her know that you are thinking about her, etc. It seems that she simply wasn't getting enough attention from you and that will cause a woman to want out of the relationship. That is all that a woman ever wants. Let her know that you do care and also show her by giving her the attention that you believe she deserves. Dont allow yourself to not talk to her for months at a time or ignore her concerns. For now, give her some space and start fresh by first apologizing through a nice letter or email to her.

~Doctor Lover

My boyfriend left without a word.

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Thu, 12 May 2011 23:30:03 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I was into a serious relationship with this guy. I thought we loved each other very much. However, since my accident in january this year and i suffered multiple fracture, he just disappeared, no calls, no text messages or anything. Please help me, i dont know what to do.

Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Unfortunately, there isn't much that you can do. it seems that he may have just become uninterested in you. or it could be a deeper issue such as personal or maybe he didnt want to deal with the situation. My suggestion is to try and contact him and make sure that he is okay and see what went wrong. if you cant get in contact with him, then you should just let him go as he has already done to you. dont waste your time for someone who would vanish on you while youre down.

~Doctor Lover

I called her a hoe and things haven't been the same

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Thu, 12 May 2011 23:30:03 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I like this girl who attends the same college as me. We dated once before and on our second date I made a mistake and called her a hoe. She forgave me for it and we still speaks but its never like it was. I really like this girl and want in my life. how do i get her back?

Sincerely, joris chatman

Dear joris chatman,

I have no clue how you can really like someone and then call them a hoe. However, to answer your question, what you need to do is sit down with her and talk with her about the situation. Let her know that you really do enjoy your time with her and that you are truly apologetic about what you said. Ask her for her thoughts and feelings on the situation and then ask if you can both move on from what happened. Also mention how you feel uncomfortable because you know things havent been the same since it happened.

~Doctor Lover

She doesn't want to spend time with me

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Thu, 12 May 2011 23:30:03 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I am in love with my best friend of 6 years. I told her I liked her at school but she dismissed my feelings until last november when she admitted she likes me too. I asked her out but she said she doesnt want a relationship because people think bad etc. I said never mind and agreed we can be friends and spend time. She said she loves me and wants to marry me, and she mentioned that it became official in her eyes when she told me she likes me. Over the phone everything is perfect but the problem is she totally avoids seeing me. She never makes time. She makes excuses, Ive confronted her time and time again. I cried in front of her telling her how much I love her. Ive poured my heart out to her several times. She doesnt even have a reason for it. She says I cant explain and dont start. In 6 years Ive spent about 6 hours in her company. Shes all talk. The past month has been awful and I dont know what to do. Ive done everything I can.

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

From the sound of it, you should just leave this girl alone. She doesnt seem as though she wants to be with you. i know that you may be in love, but she clearly isnt. If she were, she would treat you better than this. She wouldnt make you cry and wouldnt avoid spending time with you. Dont waste your time. Stop trying to figure out something that has no forward solution. If she loved you and wanted to marry you, she would treat you better.
I agree that you have done everything you could have done. After telling her and crying in front of her and still nothing being done on her part, then there isnt anything left for you to do.

~Doctor Lover

He hasn't talked to me in days

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Tue, 10 May 2011 09:59:23 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I am really confused I met a guy 2months back. I made the first move by approaching him and instantly we clicked and a week later he asked for my number. Things progressed and he asked me out and would always text first but the last 2weeks he doesn't text first I have to and the last time i heard from him was last thursday when I had to text first. its been 5days and I doubt he will text first should I take the hint? Im not clingy or anything i know he needs his space like i do but why all of a sudden? its as if i am making the effort. I used to see him regularly on the train and he is amazing in person just dont get why he wont text. Help me out, what should i do?

Sincerely, miss confused

Dear miss confused,

There could be many reasons as to why he isnt contacting you. One is that he may be in trouble. Another is that he may be going through some things emotionally, and another is that he may not want to be with you any longer. The only answer here is to figure out which one that is. Instead of texting, try to call him or email him or visit him if you can. If you havent seen him on the train lately, then he may be in some type of trouble. Try using a different method than just texting and see if you get any results that way.

~Doctor Lover

How to keep your man

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 23:47:25 PDT

So, I got asked this great question on Twitter the other day. The question was "why do men cheat when they have a woman who has everything?" I've been meaning to get back to this question, so I am now.

The answer? No woman has everything just as no man has everything. This question was meant because of all of the celebrities out cheating on their wives. What is the reason that these men cheat? It's because men hardly ever meet a woman that they believe has it all. The fact is that a woman will practically never understand a man. The reason for this is that we men just don't understand ourselves at times. If you've read my book, you will know that each relationship needs a combination of three things. A spiritual connection, a mental connection and a physical connection. Without one of these connections, someone is likely to stray because these are needs and not desires.

Okay, not let me write this in a nutshell so that everyone can understand:

Spiritual connection with lover = Morals/Beliefs
Mental connection = Communication
Physical connection = Affection/Sex

If your relationship is missing one of these connections it will fail. Now the trick isn't just that your relationship needs these connections, it's that it needs it in just that order. A physical connection can never over-power a mental or spiritual and the same goes for mental overpowering spiritual. It just isn't possible. Though the sex may be good or he/she touches you and puts it on you so well, it doesn't mean that a strong relationship can be built off of that foundation.

So, back to the question at hand. Why do men cheat? It's because they aren't satisfied. A man will marry a woman whom is he spiritually and mentally connected to and have sex with women that he is physically attracted to. If a man is cheating, it is because he isn't satisfied at home. In addition, to prevent him from cheating, there must be that spiritual connection. With a spiritual connection, the lovers are likely to work it out and fix it. A spiritual connection is what creates the discipline of the man. Read my previous article to understand better.

So, if your man is cheating, it's possibly because he doesn't have a strong spiritual connection with you. In addition, you may be "wife" material, but you may not be freak material. A married man or a man in a relationship needs his wife and his woman on the side. The question is, can you be both?

~Doctor Lover

Going to College - Will My Relationship Last?

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 15:00:04 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

My boyfriend is a college football player...he used to be so sweet and now he has changed. And its a change that I dont know if I can put up with. I know we both love each other dearly... and I want to be there for him through everything, but is it really worth it? Life is a test of faith...but will we pass it.... i'm going off to college in the fall...but Ill be 180 miles from him. How can I make this last... how can I make this work?

Sincerely, cocolove

Dear cocolove,

It sounds as if you are already doubting the relationship with your boyfriend. With the doubt and with the going to college, you may find yourself pulling away from him naturally as you find new friends and get into your new environment. If you have been reading any of my questions or blogs, you will understand that I am not a big fan of long-distant relationships. With that said, the only way to make it work is for the both of you to be on the same page and you must have excellent communication. If you don't talk to one another regularly, then the relationship will shred apart. However, what you need to do right now is talk with him and see where his head is. check to see if he is still committed to making it last with you. If he isnt 100% into the relationship, then you need to cut your losses and move on before you go to college heartbroken. Figure it out now before you waste time.

~Doctor Lover

He Lied About Spending Time With Her

thedoctor@doctorlover.com (Doctor Lover) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 08:58:38 PDT

Dear Doctor Lover,

I just found out the my husband has been lying to me about a female friend he has been talking to. He Met her in Mar of 2007 and I became aware of her in October 2009 when I found a voicemail from her. at the time I found the voice mail he had been out of school for a year and a half. he swore to me that they never hung out and that they never talked on the phone. just recently he received a message from her on Facebook, which brought it all back up and come to find out, he claims he used to hang out with her after school in a study session, and they used to talk on the phone, but claims they never did anything sexual, he claims he never told me cause he was protecting me.. in the meantime while he is with her I am home with our 3 children. is this cheating even if nothing happened and he just lied about it.

Sincerely, alycia

Dear alycia,

I would agree that this is a form of cheating. Cheating starts when he holds the truth about spending time with her. That is time that you and your family should have had together. Being that he lied about being with her and lied about the phone calls, it clearly tells you that he has some feelings for her. In addition, it puts his character into judgement and if he lied about these things, youll never be able to truly tell if he has cheated with her sexually. Right now his words arent the most trustworthy.

Its normal for a man to be attracted to other women, but he has a responsibility and commitment to you to control those feelings. In my opinion, he may have already cheated sexually, if he hasn't then its because the other woman hasn't let it happen. Once he started lying and hiding this other woman from you, she gained the upper hand. This could be sexual, or he may simply enjoy the flirting and possibility of an affair. my suggestion would be to continue to monitor the situation and get some solid proof before it gets out of control.

~Doctor Lover