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How To Play The Long Game With An Ex

Chris Seiter — Wed, 27 Oct 2021 17:42:11 GMT

Today we’re going to talk about how to play the long game with an ex you are trying to get back.

First things first, what do I mean when I talk about “the long game?”

Well, within this context “long game” would be about a person doing something that aims for results down the road.

In a sense, our entire program is built on the premise of playing a long game since we have found that our average success story happens anywhere between 2-7 months but there’s an interesting element at play when considering the “long game” and that’s the diametrically opposed “short game.”

Short Game Vs. Long Game

Let’s take a look at the “official” definitions of long game versus short game.

Short Game = This person implements strategies that aims for instantaneous results

Long Game = This person implements strategies that aims for results down the road

What I find fascinating about this is that it really correlates to attachment styles. We know from experience that someone with an anxious attachment style is going to be more prone to falling for “short game” tactics.

Of course, the entire breakup industry has taken advantage of this by seemingly “guaranteeing” magic bullet solutions that will “absolutely work” to get your ex back.

Say this one thing and he’ll come crawling back…

Do this one thing and she’ll beg for you…

And perhaps the irony is that sometimes those short term strategies can work on a small level.

What if I were to tell you that the magic bullet solution “short game” stuff can yield faster results but not longer lasting ones.

For us faster results coming at the price of long term sustainability doesn’t seem like a worthy trade which is why we’ve based our entire program around “long game.”

And in case you were wondering, yes, this is me admitting that our program will probably take you longer to see eventual results but only because we don’t want this breakup to happen again.

Our research has indicated that roughly 50% of couples that get back together will break up again within 3 months.

The culprit often is getting back together too quickly.

How Long You Can Expect It To Take To Get An Ex Back

Without a doubt one of the most asked questions we get in our private facebook support group is how long the entire process of getting an ex back actually takes.

This is actually a topic I’ve written about before but what I’d like to do really quickly here is give you a realistic timeline on how long this entire process will take.

Generally speaking most of our success stories occur 2-7 months after a no contact rule has been completed.

Though certain situational factors need to be taken into account. Perhaps the most impactful factor that can make a difference on your timeline is whether or not your ex has a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

If they do expect the timeline to be doubled.

Our Active Long Game Breakup Strategies

As stated above, our entire program is predicated on the long game but how?

What strategies do we recommend that work but take longer?

There are four main concepts that rely entirely on the long game.

The No Contact Rule
The Zeigarnik Effect (AKA High Note Strategy)
Tide Theory
Avoidant Identification (When they pull back you pull back)

I’d like to take a moment to go over each of these strategies and show you how they can be effective but ultimately add time to your success.

Long Game Strategy #1: The No Contact Rule

Is this really shocking?

The no contact rule in and of itself is without a doubt our most used strategy and it literally makes the entire process take longer.

First things first, what is the no contact rule?

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

Usually that “period of time” is anywhere between 21-45 days.

Yet it’s not the length of time that matters. It’s what you do with that time. You see, the secret to the no contact rule is that if you haven’t done anything productive with that time you can kiss any epiphanies from your ex goodbye.

The key is that at the end of your no contact, if you’ve used your time wisely, you won’t view your ex as a must have anymore.

They can be a “want to have” but not essential.

Of course, the only way for that change to happen within you is for you to play the long game and let time go by.

Long Game Strategy #2: The Zeigarnik Effect

Why is this considered a long game strategy?

Well, it purposefully extends the amount of overall conversation time you’ll be having with your ex.

Every conversation has a certain flow and rhythm.

It builds to an eventual high point and then stays at that high point level for a bit before it slowly dissipates after both parties run out of things to talk about.

We found early on in our business that if you let conversations unfold naturally exes tend to grow bored as there’s no excitement for the next conversation.

That is until we learned about the zeigarnik effect.

If you aren’t familiar with what it is here’s a quick video primer.

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Essentially people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

By locating the high point of the conversation and ending it there before the conversation has a chance to become dull you create anticipation for the next conversation.

Yes, you don’t get the gratification of a conversational close but who cares if you create anticipation for that next conversation.

So, why do we consider this to be a long game strategy?

Simply put while it has the amazing benefit of making conversations more anticipated it prolongs the overall time of conversations. Instead of them having a beginning, middle and end in the span of a day you can expect the conversations to last for days.

Long Game Strategy #3: Tide Theory

Tide theory is one of those strategies that I haven’t really talked enough about on this website.

Sure, it’s mentioned here or there but it really has become a groundbreaking strategy that is essential for building rapport during texting.

So, how does it relate to the long game?

Well, the very essence of it is rooted in making things longer and stretching things out.

Tide Theory: Refers to the amount of communication you should have with your ex throughout the ex recovery process. Slowly but surely you’ll ratchet up the quantity and quality of the conversations.

It’s always better to use text messages as an example to illustrate the points I’m trying to make but tide theory can be used with any “medium” of conversation.

Have you ever been to the beach and seen this?

There’s not one exact moment that this occurs. Instead it’s a series of moments strung together in such a slow progression that even if you were to be at this beach you wouldn’t be able to pinpoint when the tide came up.

That’s what you’re aiming to do when you text your ex, slowly up the quantity of conversations you have to the point that everything seems natural.

I’m really tempted to go into teaching mode here and show you how to do this but I actually but together this massive free guide on our website about texting where I do just that so I recommend you check that up if you want a crash course.

Long Game Strategy #4: Avoidant Identification

If you didn’t catch my interview with Heather, one of our latest success stories I highly recommend you check it out because it is all about this long game strategy.

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The most popular buzzword around this parts since 2020 has been our addition of attachment styles into our process.

Specifically how to handle fearful avoidants.

We know from research that most of our clients exes will exhibit some type of avoidant behavior. So, it stands to reason that learning how to properly communicate with an avoidant is a key component to winning that avoidant back.

Thus, we came up with a simple rule to help people do just that.

When they pull back you pull back.

Now, it’s a lot to take on faith I totally get that but that’s why I wanted you to watch that success story above. Heather, at first, had doubts on whether that simple rule would work but after working with our very own Coach Anna she decided to give it a try.

The results were undeniable.

But why does it work.

Well, we think it’s because it presents such a stark contrast to how you would have handled things when you were in a relationship with your ex. Instead of nagging your ex about “what’s wrong” you give them time to process their feelings on their own and focus on the other aspects of your life.

This is, after all, what a secure attachment style would do.

The beauty is that simply by following the “when they pull back you pull back rule” you can accomplish this instantaneously.

When Is It Ok To Break No Contact?

Chris Seiter — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 19:23:24 GMT

Today we’re going to take on a very controversial topic, when it’s ok to break the no contact rule.

In this in-depth you’re going to learn.

What we consider breaking the no contact rule to look like
The issue with breaking no contact too often
The flaw with the golden factor
The four situations where it’s ok to break no contact

Let’s begin!

What Breaking The No Contact Rule Looks Like

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If you aren’t familiar with the no contact rule then this is probably a good time for a refresher.

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

Generally speaking you’ll find that the no contact rule lasts anywhere between 21-45 days.

Yet we’ve found that roughly 80% of our clients will fail a no contact rule on their first attempt.

Now, what do you think I mean when I talk about clients failing the no contact rule?

Simply put their ex reaches out to them with a guilt trip text message or they give in to their anxious behaviors and reach out to their ex at some point during that 21-45 days.

General protocol dictates that if you break the no contact rule before you complete it fully you have to start over from the beginning.

Yet we’ve found a bit of an alarming trend develop with those who break the no contact rule.

The Issue With Breaking No Contact Too Often

I’m a huge fan of movies.

In fact, I’m that guy that will go back and rewatch a movie time and time again at the movie theater if I love it.

A funny thing happens if you do this enough times though.

I find that every subsequent time you watch the same movie it loses a bit of its impact.

You know the major plot points.

You know when this character is going to say that super cool line.

You know when this music is going to hit during this super cool part.

Above I stated that 80% of people who attempt a no contact rule will fail it their first time. What happens if they keep failing it?

Well, we’ve found that every single time you have to restart the no contact rule it actually loses a bit of effectiveness.

In hindsight it makes perfect sense.

If you break the no contact rule constantly and restart it again your ex will eventually notice the pattern.

And yet what’s interesting is that there are some cases where you absolutely have to break the no contact rule. Well, four specific cases.

The Four Cases Where It’s Ok To Break No Contact

This has been a subject up for debate in our private facebook support group recently. So much so that it inspired me to write this article.

We recently had a woman who had an ex reach out to her saying, “There’s something important I need to talk to you about” during her no contact rule.

She asked if she could break her no contact rule to find out what it was.

We advised her against it because it doesn’t fall into the four cases I’m going to list off in a moment.

Turns out that he just manufactured a lie to get her to respond during her no contact.

The result was that she had to start over from the beginning.

It can be tricky determining when you are allowed to break no contact. Luckily I’ve put together a list of the four cases where it’s ok but we’re not going to just go over that list today.

Instead, we’re going to also explain what you should do when you are forced to break no contact.

First things first though, let’s talk through the four cases where it’s ok to break no contact.

You Live Together With Your Ex
You Share A Child With Your Ex
You Work Together With Your Ex
You Accidentally Run Into Your Ex

Case #1: You Live Together With Your Ex

In some cases it will literally be impossible to stay in no contact.

Living with your ex is definitely one of those cases.

If you find yourself in this situation it’s best to take a limited no contact approach. In other words, don’t break no contact until you absolutely have to.

I’ll give you a prime example.

Let’s say that you live with your ex and you always used to eat breakfast together. There’s one of two ways in which you can handle the breakfast. You can simply ignore your ex while they are right in front of you which brings more attention to the fact that you’re doing a no contact rule when you don’t want them to know that or you can simply wait until they ask you a question and simply only answer that question.

Technically you aren’t being rude.

After the forced interactions you simply should continue to do no contact.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky.

If at all possible it is advisable to find a way to move into your own apartment. We have found this to be a prevalent pattern in successful situations where exes are living together.

Having one of them move out and do a full no contact always seems to work best.

So, that should be your north star that you are always building towards.

Case #2: You Share A Child With Your Ex

Do not include your children in any of the ex recovery strategies like no contact.

Their health and safety should be considered more paramount than your relationship with your ex.

Let’s say that you’re in the middle of no contact minding your own business when you suddenly get a text message from your ex.

According to the tenets of the no contact rule you wouldn’t be allowed to break it to respond.

But that’s simply not going to do.

So, here’s the rule.

It’s completely ok to break the no contact rule to talk with your ex about your shared children together.

That doesn’t mean you can use your children as a way to start a conversation with your ex.

If you end up having to talk to your ex about your kids together then you need to keep that conversation strictly about your kids.

That’s it.

Case #3: You Work Together With Your Ex

I hope you’re noticing a trend here with “when it’s ok” to break no contact.

Often the factors are out of your control.

Living together…

Sharing a child…

And now working together.

They are all situational and involve factors outside of your relationship.

Let’s pretend for a moment that your boss assigns a job to you and your ex. In other words, you’re literally being forced to work together.

What do you do?

You probably won’t be very effective at your job if you are ignoring your ex while doing the job. Instead the better approach is to communicate with your ex ONLY about business.

Keep the main thing the main thing and in this case the main thing is the job.

Don’t talk about the breakup.

Don’t talk about your day.

Only focus on making sure you do the best job possible.

That’s it.

Case #4: When You Accidentally Run Into Your Ex

Now, the keyword to take note of here is accidentally.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen women in our private facebook group manufacture run ins with their ex “accidentally.”

When I say accidentally in this case I mean it authentically.

You’re literally going about your own business and your ex runs into you.

Doing a no contact rule and encountering this situation authentically will leave you with only a handful of options.

You can either ignore your ex and run the risk of being rude or you can break no contact to have a brief conversation.

Our testing has yielded better results by actually breaking no contact for a brief conversation here but one factor you definitely need to keep in mind is where you are at in your no contact rule.

Let’s say the accidental run in occurs when you are a week into no contact.

Well, in this case since not a lot of time has gone by it’s probably advisable to start no contact over from the beginning.

On the other hand let’s say you are 26 days into a 30 day no contact rule. In this case I would say just finish the last four days of no contact out and then begin the texting phase.

What If Your Ex Says The Golden Words Too Quickly During No Contact

A few months ago the moderators of our private facebook support group and I were having a really interesting conversation on something we like to call “the golden factor.”

Let’s say you are using a 30 day no contact rule and around day 15 your ex texts you this,

Can you break no contact to respond?

Well, this is where things become a bit tricky.

The answer is yes but there’s a huge caveat.

Multiple positive reach outs during no contact are NOT ENOUGH to break no contact.

If they explicitly ask for you back that is probably enough of a reason to break it.

I will warn you however that we have seen roughly 50% of people who break no contact when their ex asks for them back break up again quickly or in some cases not even get back together.

Why?

Well, we think it has to do with the subtle internal shifts that the no contact allows you to go through.

If you break no contact prematurely to get your ex back you are doing so without really any factors changing internally so it makes sense that you’d get the same results. On the other hand, sometimes no contact can be so effective that your ex literally will do or say anything to get you to break it.

Them asking for you back is sort of like a false positive.

They get the response from you that they so desperately want but they aren’t authentic in wanting to “retry things.”

Who knew figuring out when to break no contact could be so tricky.

Success Story: How To Get Your Ex Back When You Do Everything Wrong

Chris Seiter — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 19:09:50 GMT

Play podcast episode Playing

Today we’re looking at how to get an ex back when you’ve done everything wrong. I thought the best way to tackle this subject was to actually feature one of our newest success stories from the ex recovery program, Sophie.

She ended up getting her ex back and has progressed to the point that they are even planning on moving in together. What makes her situation fascinating is that she ended up doing a lot of things “technically wrong” but managed to overcome those things and successfully get him back which is a rarity in todays day and age.

Things like,

Breaking no contact

Manufacturing meet ups

Arguing on the phone

You get the idea

But despite these missteps she ended up winning him back.

How?

Well, watch and find out.

How She Got Her Ex Back After Making Cardinal Mistakes

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Chris Seiter:
All right. Today we are going to be talking to one of our success stories. Her name is Sophie. And she has a really interesting situation that she’s going to take us through. And I say that knowing nothing about her situation, of course. Yeah, I was telling her before we started recording that usually an hour before we start recording, I familiarize myself with the success story, but I had an appointment before this and I didn’t so much do that. So I am going to be just like a listener here. And you are going to take us through your situation. But how are you doing, Sophie?

Sophie:
I’m good. My ex and I are officially back together now as of probably a month ago, I think. And actually, we are currently making plans to get an apartment together, so that’s the whirlwind of my life at the moment.

Chris Seiter:
That’s big. Okay. All right.

Sophie:
Yeah, I would say that it was almost too successful in some ways.

Chris Seiter:
That’s a good problem to have, though.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So why don’t you take us back to the dark ages when the breakup actually occurred.

Sophie:
Oh, the before times. Yes.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. Is that a South Park reference?

Sophie:
A little maybe.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So this was our second breakup if you want to count official breakups.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. Well, let’s go back to the first one. That’s interesting to me.

Sophie:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
Let’s go back to the really before times.

Sophie:
The really before times. So we started dating in January 2020. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship, myself. And I don’t know, that had been two years and I was pretty confident that I wanted to move on. So we started dating about three months, and we started running into some issues. So I think the issues I identified initially were we had some religious differences and just some other, we weren’t on the same page about a bunch of things. He is an avoidant attachment style.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
I think dismissive avoidant. I know he goes to therapy now, so he’s talked about it a little bit. And then I lean more towards the anxious [crosstalk 00:02:19].

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So you are just like the prototypical couple here.

Sophie:
Pretty much. It’s definitely explosive chemistry at the beginning, but as soon as things start getting into the-

Chris Seiter:
Hard, basically.

Sophie:
Hitting on some of your core stuff, we hit the rocks as expected, I guess. So we did end up breaking up in May 2020.

Chris Seiter:
So COVID is happening here.

Sophie:
Yes, COVID is happening.

Chris Seiter:
Did that have any impact on the situation at all?

Sophie:
I think it did. He’s very extroverted. I’m not. I think we spent a lot of time just together not doing anything separately. And we were getting a little bit sick of the routine as well. So things didn’t seem to be going the way that we had hoped they would go when we first started dating. You get this great vision of the future where you’re going to hang out with your significant other and all your friends. And COVID really did complicate that, I think, because there just wasn’t anything that we could do about it. And both of our mental health took a little bit of a dive as well.

Sophie:
So we broke up. And I, of course, like every other poor girl out there, start Googling. I’m like, “What am I going to do about this? I have to get him back somehow.”

Chris Seiter:
Got to fix.

Sophie:
And I found a program, I don’t remember what it was called, to be honest with you.

Chris Seiter:
Shame on you. This is the… No, I’m just kidding.

Sophie:
It was not your program. But I started getting advice over email like, “You should send a closure letter and you should do all these things.” And I was like-

Chris Seiter:
Okay. That seems like a great idea.

Sophie:
I didn’t like the format of the advice I was getting. I liked some of the introspective stuff where I was writing about the process and the breakup. But other than the journaling, I felt like I was getting advice that wasn’t hitting the mark for me. So I found your website shortly after that, so it was maybe a week after, two weeks after. I bought the program, and I embarked on my first journey with ERP. So that actually ended up working, because we actually had agreed to a no contact period. There was 21 days, and he kept breaking it, because he just kept wanting to talk to me. We didn’t part on bad terms.

Chris Seiter:
What about you? Did you stick to it?

Sophie:
I did eventually complete a successful no contact. The group was really good with making sure that we kept it business only, because I did work with him at the time. So we kept it to work projects only. And he was very curious as to what I was doing at that time, so following all of my social media still, everything was pretty good. And we actually got back together hastefully, and some of the advice that you gave me, actually, after I talked to you once, was make sure that you don’t fall back into the same patterns. And I think I was just so happy.

Chris Seiter:
Did I do that on a Facebook live?

Sophie:
No, I don’t think. Well, maybe it was. I think it was a Facebook live at one point, but you basically said, “Don’t rush it. Just be steady with the progress that you’ve made.” All together, it took us a month or a month and a half to get back together, so it was basically like just after no contact. He was like, “Can I call you?” And we thought we’d try again. I’d count that as my practice run with therapy. I had no idea how much more difficult and much more painful trying a second time would be.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So this was where it gets interesting. So we got back together. Things were okay, but we were still running into fundamental, in my mind now that I look at it, I think they were related to attachment style. They were related to communication style issues that some of the overlying stuff, like personal differences or opinions were hiding the deeper problems in a sense. So even when we worked on that and we settled our religious differences, we settled a whole bunch of other differences, we thought things were going to be different, but they weren’t, because ultimately, our underlying disagreements, the reasons we were disagreeing and how we were disagreeing were the actual problem in my mind.

Chris Seiter:
Can give us an actual example of what that looks like? Not a super serious one, but maybe a surface level one so people can understand what you mean when you’re talking about the underlying disagreements here?

Sophie:
Sure. So I think for him, personal freedom is a big thing. He doesn’t want to have to think the same way as me. He does not want to have to do things-

Chris Seiter:
So he likes being independent.

Sophie:
Very independent.

Chris Seiter:
Very avoidant.

Sophie:
He’s one of the most independent people I have ever met in my life.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
He has a very sweet side to him where if he chooses to be engaged and be involved in something, he’s definitely there 100%. But he has to be able to make those decision emotionally for himself and not feel like he’s being pressured.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So it just, for me, I was pressuring him about some of our differences, and then when I talked about it in therapy, I was like, “Okay, this isn’t a big deal for me.” But there were still things that I kept pushing about. And it-

Chris Seiter:
What were some examples of those things?

Sophie:
So he actually was friends with his ex girlfriend before me still.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. That would bug me. I get it.

Sophie:
It bothered me. It did.

Chris Seiter:
It’s like the Beaner Method inverted.

Sophie:
And I saw right through it, too. I was like, “I don’t think that she’s here for wholly reasonable reasons.” And when we had broken up, he had gone to her for some comfort. And I guess they had made out or whatever. And he told me about it.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So there’s some physical connection there as well, unfortunately, after the breakup.

Sophie:
Yeah. And that was hard for me, because they only dated for two months, maybe. But all of his relationships have been two, three months. He has not been able to sustain a long term relationship at any point before me. So when we broke up, the fact that he was talking to his ex again was, to me, a big deal. I was like, “That doesn’t [crosstalk 00:09:04].”

Chris Seiter:
I knew it. I knew it.

Sophie:
So we moved on, disagreeing on that still. And we kept seeing some of… He has a really, in my opinion, not a great friend group. And she’s well ingrained in that, so we saw her a lot. And it kept getting under my skin. And then there was some other things with some other girls where he had been friend with some girls that he’d been seeing before. And I don’t think there was ever anything there, but I think that true to a lot of avoidance, he likes to reminisce, he likes to hold on to things, likes to hold on to old relationships, likes to hold on to old keepsakes from relationships, too, which was weird to me, because I was like, “No, I think I should be the only important person in your life.” And it all exploded eventually. And what I didn’t realize was at the time, I had actually told him at one point before we broke up, this was maybe a month or two before we broke up, “I want you to stop talking to your ex girlfriend.” That’s it.

Chris Seiter:
So gave him the ultimatum, essentially, do this or else.

Sophie:
I did. Yep. And I said, “You need to unfollow her.”

Chris Seiter:
Did you clarify what else would happen if he didn’t do it?

Sophie:
Well, I did threaten a little bit. I was like, “You know what? You need to unfollow her on social media since she seems to interact with you a lot on there. I’m not comfortable with this relationship as it stands, and I’ll take my things and go if we don’t sort this out.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. True ultimatum then.

Sophie:
It really was.

Chris Seiter:
I can’t tell you how often I’ll interview people, and hear this thing, and they’ll say, “Yeah, I gave him an ultimatum.” And I’ll be like, “Okay. Well, how?” And they say, “Well, you do this,” but they don’t really clarify what else will happen if they don’t follow it, but you did.

Sophie:
I did. I was really, at that point, quite ready to just… Because she had been tagging him in things and other things, and every time I would ask him, he was like, “Oh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s just interacting with me. And we don’t talk about things or anything.” And I was like, “Okay, I don’t believe you.” Eventually, it came to a head. He unfollowed her on social media after I asked him three separate times. And that was that. We broke up in April 2021, and this was after several mock breakups almost, where we were really getting to the end of our rope with what we could handle. He felt like I was pushing him for a further commitment, and I was, because the more insecure I got, the more I felt like I needed to push things like moving in together, and fidelity, and all these other things as I saw them.

Sophie:
I think I did make a big deal about things that weren’t necessarily a big deal. But I was definitely putting a lot of pressure on him there.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So let up the street. You go through the breakup initially in 2020, all during COVID. And then he moves on to this other girl that is his ex. And this period of time between when that happens and what we’re talking about here in 2021, are you just talking at this point or had you gotten back together again? I’m just trying to clarify the timeline.

Sophie:
Like right now?

Chris Seiter:
No. Okay, so you mentioned in 2020, you started the relationship.

Sophie:
Yep.

Chris Seiter:
And then you ended the relationship a few months after this all happens, and the issues in that were that he was constantly tagging his ex, right?

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
And there’s some issues with disagreements and things like that. Timeline wise, how long were you broken up before you tried to do anything? Are you still talking about the actual relationship and the problems with it? I’m just trying to clarify the timeline.

Sophie:
Yeah. So we got back together in July, I think, of 2020. So it was like May to July.

Chris Seiter:
May to July. You got back together very quickly.

Sophie:
We did.

Chris Seiter:
And then went through another very abrupt breakup.

Sophie:
Yes. And I expected it, but we lasted another eight months or so, just in this year [crosstalk 00:13:46].

Chris Seiter:
So there’s been two breakups that have happened here. The first one happened in 2020.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Who initiated that? Was that you?

Sophie:
He broke up with me.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. And the second one-

Sophie:
Basically, saying, “Oh, I feel like I can’t love you the way that you need to be loved. And we’ve got some differences,” and he saw it as a bit of a merciful thing.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
And same with this time around, he broke up with me and gave me some of the similar reasons, although perhaps a little bit more angry.

Chris Seiter:
But this time, was it… So all right. So the two breakups, this period in between the two breakups, that’s when he had the make out session with the ex girlfriend, correct?

Sophie:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
What happens after the second breakup? Does he go running back to her again?

Sophie:
So, I actually noticed he followed her on Instagram the day after we broke up. He deleted all our pictures, and then he re-followed her on Instagram. And I was so mad, like pissed at him.

Chris Seiter:
Was that a revenge thing, do you think like, “I’m going to show her?”

Sophie:
No, because they had been talking this whole time, apparently, and I didn’t know that. He had told me they weren’t talking. So him following her back on Instagram was just like I can officially now [crosstalk 00:15:08].

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:15:09]. Right.

Sophie:
So I didn’t know if there was anything there or not. But nevertheless, he really just doesn’t like to have anyone tell him what to do. So I think for him, he was like, “I’m just going to follow her back on Instagram.” So actually did the same thing.

Chris Seiter:
You followed her on Instagram?

Sophie:
I did.

Chris Seiter:
That’s interesting.

Sophie:
I like drama a little bit. So I knew based on how he had described all of his previous breakups, so he described his breakup with her very negatively. He said he basically snapped at her for demanding too much of his time and demanding too much emotional investment. And he broke up with her over the phone and blocked her everywhere, and then basically told all of his mutual friends that she was crazy.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So I probably should have taken that as a bit of a red flag, myself, but I did this time around. I was like, “This is probably what’s going to happen to me.” So I thought to myself, “Okay, I need to talk to Anna,” so I did start coaching with Anna a little bit.

Chris Seiter:
Beautiful. Okay.

Sophie:
But I made the decision sort of defensively to try an ingratiate myself to the sphere of influence a little bit, including some people that I had been not on great terms with before.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, you mentioned at the time, the friend circle were not people that you were fond of, correct?

Sophie:
No, I didn’t like them. I made it clear I didn’t like them for him. Again, he values his relationships. So he wasn’t happy with that. So I did start trying to repair a couple of my relationships there. He was very confused, actually, and pretty upset, because he felt like it didn’t give him a place to vent about me or the breakup after it happened. So I got-

Chris Seiter:
He’s got a new girlfriend for that, right? [crosstalk 00:17:21].

Sophie:
Well yeah, right, so I don’t think they were ever actually officially back together, but they certainly seemed to be entertaining that as an option. So I reached out to her. I basically said, “Look, I apologize for how I treated you during our relationship. It’d be nice to get coffee sometime.” And I did eventually get coffee with her during the period that we were broken up. And she basically said, “Yes, he has been pursing a relationship with me before you guys broke up, actually, like pursuing a friendship aggressively.” And she didn’t know that I wasn’t cool with it, apparently.

Chris Seiter:
I don’t know if I believe that.

Sophie:
Well yeah, I don’t know if I believe that either, but she was like, “Well, I figured you must’ve been, because he was interacting with me, but I never bothered to check with you.” And I was like, “Okay.” So I think I did everything wrong, though. I had confrontation with the other woman. I had drama with the friend group.

Chris Seiter:
It’s interesting. So we’re seeing the anxious behaviors take root here.

Sophie:
Yeah. Yeah. I went full panic, because I didn’t know what to do. And he was pretty upset with me for that. I thought it was genius. I was like, “I’ll stay in his life by being invited to everything by his friends.” And he was so pissed about that. He was like, “I need time.” So he reached out to me about a month after the breakup. So I visited his roommate, and she and I were friends before we were even dating. But I visited his roommate. We went to a park nearby the house that he lived at, and I got some very angry text messages in probably late May, early June. And the breakup was April 26. So a little bit of time had elapsed. I was in no contact the whole time. I basically went into no contact right after the breakup, because I [crosstalk 00:19:35].

Chris Seiter:
Okay. How long were you shooting for, like 30 days, 45 days?

Sophie:
No, 45, given that it was our second breakup, and also it just ended very badly.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
It was to me, I felt like the breakup on April 26, 2021 was out of the blue. I knew we had issues. We had committed to working on them. And he had started a lot more optimistically. He had started looking at apartments for us to move into. He had started really trying harder with the relationship, but at the same time, saying, “Here are my boundaries, and if you cross them, I will break up with you.” So I felt like there was a lot of mixed messages going on. And then one weekend, we spend weekends together, I was over, and he was acting really weird. And he kept being really combative with our friends and everything I suggested, he didn’t want to do. And I just had this feeling that he was going to break up with me. So he started the conversation on April 26 in the evening, basically saying to me, “I think I’m having some doubts and I may just need to work through them.” And less than an hour later, we were basically screaming at each other. And he’s like, “I’m done. I’m not getting back together with you ever again. This isn’t what I want for my life. I’m glad that you’re reinforcing my decision to dump you right now.”

Sophie:
It was very hurtful.

Chris Seiter:
It did not end well.

Sophie:
It didn’t. And I left at 3:00, 3:30 in the morning, just crying and everyone knew about it. And it was just a big mess.

Chris Seiter:
So you go right into no contact.

Sophie:
Yes. [crosstalk 00:21:37].

Chris Seiter:
45 days. And you’re basically poaching his sphere of influence at this point during the 45 days?

Sophie:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So that, I feel like would be something that I would’ve changed, maybe not doing that. well because I thought-

Chris Seiter:
Then again, maybe it worked, but let’s see how it plays out.

Sophie:
Right. I thought that it was going to be better than it went. And so initially, a week after the breakup, I felt like I needed to vent, so I vented to some ex friends of his that were… I know, bad idea, right. Terrible decision.

Chris Seiter:
You can’t see me, but I’m shaking my head really.

Sophie:
So I did. I vented to some ex friends of his, and I thought the information wouldn’t go anywhere. It did, ultimately.

Chris Seiter:
That is very naïve of you, Sophie.

Sophie:
It was. It was.

Chris Seiter:
Don’t you know people love to gossip more than anything else?

Sophie:
Yep. So they are still not friends, but they had some mutual friends, and they spread the information to the mutual friends, who then spread the information to [crosstalk 00:22:52].

Chris Seiter:
And it’s like a game of telephone. You ever play that game of telephone? By the time the message gets to the end of the line, it’s different. So I’m imagining something like that happening.

Sophie:
And that’s exactly what happened, because a lot of the details that got back to him were not even at all accurate to what happened.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, people like to put their own spin on things. And they clearly did that.

Sophie:
Pretty much. So the first reach out I got from him was a little bit before my no contact was supposed to end. And it was after I saw him roommate staying out. And he basically texted me immediately after I left the house. Apparently, according to his roommate, he was ready to come out on to the front lawn and confront me, and basically say, “You need to give me space, because you haven’t given me space.” So to him, even though I was giving him space, I wasn’t to talking to him, me interacting with his sphere of influence was a big no no for him, because he still didn’t feel like he had emotional space to process the breakup.

Chris Seiter:
Very possessive over them.

Sophie:
Yep. So I ignored those text messages per the advice of the mods. I did not engage, because he basically said to me, “Hey, we need to talk.” And I ignored it. And then about 40 minutes later, he was like, “If you don’t have time today, that’s fine, but we do need to have discussion.” And I ignored that one. And then he finally sent me a text late in the evening saying, “All right. I thought we could’ve handled this differently. But you’ve made your choice.” And then he blocked me everywhere. So I was blocked on Facebook, Instagram, [crosstalk 00:24:41], SnapChat.

Chris Seiter:
What about phones?

Sophie:
So I don’t know if I was ever blocked over text, because I didn’t answer those messages, but I was blocked on WhatsApp, I was blocked on whatever.

Chris Seiter:
It’s a pretty safe bet you were probably blocked at one point on the phone.

Sophie:
I think I was blocked everywhere to be honest. He was really mad. He was done.

Chris Seiter:
See, I’m sitting here super excited, because it’s very rare that we actually get to talk to someone who was blocked, and got out of it, and got back with their ex, like to this extent.

Sophie:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
So I just perked up here.

Sophie:
Yeah, I was fully blocked on everything, and I’m trying to remember. So I completed my no contact. And then Anna basically said, “It ends before your birthday, but maybe you could give it a little bit of time after your birthday.” He did not reach out for my birthday. But I kept [crosstalk 00:25:35], I think.

Chris Seiter:
Well, you’re blocked. You’re blocked.

Sophie:
Well, exactly. Right, I’m blocked everywhere. So I actually ran into him in person by accident, and it wasn’t truly an accident.

Chris Seiter:
No, when you say by accident, is there a part that manufactured it? Let’s be honest here.

Sophie:
I felt like it was by accident.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so it’s manufactured by Sophie here. How did you manufacture this? There’s no shame in it. Flirting is playing games, that’s how it works.

Sophie:
So his best friend, Josh, that’s a pseudonym, and his girlfriend-

Chris Seiter:
So Josh and the girlfriend.

Sophie:
Yeah. They invited me over for my birthday because I’m friends with them, and I had been seeing them after the breakup. Mostly, his girlfriend, Angela, is my friend. And she was very insistent that they would continue seeing me after we broke up. She was like, “We don’t play sides. Whatever.”

Chris Seiter:
What a rock star.

Sophie:
So she was like, “I would love it if you’d come over for your birthday. I know you don’t have anywhere else to go,” because my friend group and his friend group were one and the same, unfortunately. I did not maintain an independent friend group. And after the breakup, that occurred to me. I was like, “Crap. I don’t have any friends.” So don’t do that. Don’t get lost in a relationship where you don’t have any friends, because that was mistake number one for me.

Sophie:
But I went over for my birthday, and I had cake and whatever, and I took some photos.

Chris Seiter:
So it was your birthday. You get invited over by Angela, who’s a rock star.

Sophie:
Yep.

Chris Seiter:
And it just so happens your ex is there?

Sophie:
So no, he wasn’t there. But he lives two streets over or whatever on the other side, there’s a bridge that separates two little communities.

Chris Seiter:
It’s like Romeo and Juliette here.

Sophie:
And he lived five minutes away.

Chris Seiter:
You’re the girl across the bridge.

Sophie:
So I go over there and I have a great time. And I’m leaving somewhat late. I was like, “Okay. There’s no way I’m going to see him. It’s 11:30 PM. That would be weird.” But people had known I was going over there for my birthday, so I think maybe there was some element of he probably heard about that. So I get into my car and I see his car driving past. And I was like, “Oh, my goodness. That’s definitely him.”

Chris Seiter:
You get that boom, boom, boom. It’s sounds like boom boom, boom boom, boom boom.

Sophie:
It was embarrassing for me.

Chris Seiter:
No, let’s do it. Let’s hear it.

Sophie:
I wanted to see if it was him or not.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So what I did was I get into my car, spin around, and I start ripping through the area to catch up to him, essentially.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, so you’re driving and you pass him like two ships in the night, and then you say, “Oh, that ship looks cool,” and then you turn around and drive after him. Okay.

Sophie:
That was exactly what happened. So he ended up behind me at the light.

Chris Seiter:
Whoa. Whoa. So you were going fast.

Sophie:
I was.

Chris Seiter:
So you passed him.

Sophie:
I did.

Chris Seiter:
And then you lane change in front of him.

Sophie:
Yep.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. I see where you see the embarrassing part on that now.

Sophie:
The worst part about it was it wasn’t even that, it was the fact that my windows were open and I was playing my music.

Chris Seiter:
No shame.

Sophie:
My windows were open, but I had a [crosstalk 00:29:20].

Chris Seiter:
What music did you have playing? Metallica or something as you’re going through this or Ozzy Ozbourne?

Sophie:
It probably rap music, whatever.

Chris Seiter:
Rap, okay. Got some Eminem playing.

Sophie:
I was [crosstalk 00:29:35].

Chris Seiter:
Lose Yourself.

Sophie:
No. I wanted to give off the impression that I was nonchalant about the whole thing, which in retrospect, was crazy and not nonchalant.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So nonchalant is like you don’t turn. Maybe you turn around and just stay in line there.

Sophie:
And find a different way to go home. Yeah, exactly. So I guess he was headed back to his place across the bridge. I don’t really know why he was in that neighborhood in the first place. And it seemed really weird like a coincidence that we even ran into each other, but I technically had to go the same way as him, so I maybe just sped up a bit to get there. But at one point, he’s trying to get away from me in his car. I am trying to see if it’s him. And in the chaos, my birthday balloon that had a little tiny anchor on it flew out the window and smacked his windshield. So it has happy birthday written across it on my birthday.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, my God.

Sophie:
Whacks his windshield. So he basically speeds up, gets around, and then drives off to his road. So I know it was him. And I go home from there. So I think, “Okay, I’m going to hear from him.” But I don’t. So basically, I drive home and I wait a couple of days to post the pictures to Instagram, because I thought, “I’m fully blocked everywhere. It’s not like it makes a difference. He’s definitely not checking or anything like that.” And I posted the photos to Instagram, tagged my friend, not his. But obviously, it was his house. And at one point, I had this habit, which again, I don’t recommend, of checking to see if I was unblocked, so I would check every couple of days just to see if I was going to be unblocked or if I was.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
And I kept posting to Instagram like I was unblocked, even though I wasn’t. So that advice was really good, just keep posting per normal, because you don’t know what they see or don’t see. And at one point, I actually caught him unblocking me and then I was blocked five minutes later. So I was like [crosstalk 00:32:02].

Chris Seiter:
And reblocking you. So he’s doing the drive by where he unblocks you, “Oh, okay,” and then block again.

Sophie:
Checks and then blocks again. And then I was convinced there was no way he was going to look at any of my social media, because after everything that he’s mad at me for, after all of my weird crazy behavior, there’s no way he’s checking on what I’m doing. But apparently, that was the case. So he sees the photos posted a couple days after my birthday, and he reaches out again. And he’s like, “I don’t think you understood me last time, you really need to stop seeing my friends.”

Chris Seiter:
How does he reach out to you? Is this through texts?

Sophie:
It was over text. Yeah, he texted me. And he basically said, “I would like to meet in person to discuss this.” And I was like, “No, I’m not doing that.”

Chris Seiter:
So you’re out of no contact at this point?

Sophie:
My first one, yes. And then I’m trying to remember, I think I broke no contact, maybe, or I didn’t start texting phase, I just-

Chris Seiter:
It’s super common.

Sophie:
Yeah. I think I broke no contact, maybe. It was like a 45 day one, and then I was supposed to extend it based on the angry text messages that I got. So I broke the extended past 45 days or whatever. And I got into it over text with him about our mutual friends. And we started arguing, and he basically was like, “I shouldn’t be having these conversations with my dear friends over an ex of a year and a half.” And he was just really mad.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
And I finally said, “Okay, I’ll give you a phone call. I’ll explain.” So again, not what I was supposed to do, but I called him. And I talked to him.

Chris Seiter:
You’re going up that value ladder in a very strange way, but there is some-

Sophie:
So I called him, and I explained my point of view. I basically said, “Look, these are my friends, too, and I don’t think that you should have a monopoly on them.” And I-

Chris Seiter:
It’s like parents arguing over kids or something.

Sophie:
That’s what it felt like. It was very immature. So I essentially, then, I basically explained myself. I felt like I did really well on the phone call. And I debriefed it with Anna later. The gist of it was he kept reiterating his points, but then he kept throwing little things in there like, “Oh, if we were to get back together,” or “I just needed time,” or “I need some space,” and things like that. And I just kept ignoring all of it. I stuck to my talking points. I was like, “If this is about our mutual friends, here’s my boundaries, here’s what I think, here’s what I’m going to keep doing.” And then he basically said, “Okay, well I’m going to talk to my friends and we’ll see.”

Sophie:
So we ended the phone call, and then probably about a week later, I get a text message from him saying, “I talked to so and so friend, and I apologize. I don’t think I was treating you fairly.” And we left it there. So I decided to do on the recommendation of everyone else, a second 45 day no contact. I think what had happened was I finished my no contact. I’m trying to remember. The details are fuzzy, because I did so many of them. After my first no contact, I think I did reach out with my scripted text, “Can I grab your expertise on something?” And that was when he first blew up, because I didn’t acknowledge the texts while in no contact. But he was angry about it and he was still angry at that point.

Chris Seiter:
Got it. Okay.

Sophie:
I then was like, “Okay, I got to restart.” So then that’s when I restarted. But so I don’t hear from him for a while, and I found it strange that he had kept the same vacation days that we were supposed to go to, we were going to Provence over for a vacation together. I had taken time off work. He had, in this process, quit at the company that we were at, but he still decided to go on the trip that we were supposed to go on during the same days in July. So I’m doing my no contact, I’m doing my thing. And a couple week into July, he starts liking all of my social media posts. So after he apologized to me, he unblocked me.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So I was unblocked probably from late June to early July, I think. And he had blocked me again after we talked before he apologized, because he didn’t want to see all my stuff on my sisters page. He’s still friends with her on Facebook, which I find kind of weird. But I was blocked probably three times fully.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. It’s consistent at least.

Sophie:
So he was constantly back and forth about the blocking me and unblocking. So he had unblocked me, and I just decided to leave things as it was for a while. And I decided to distance myself from all of our mutual friends. And I was like, “Okay, I’m just going to take some actual time to do a proper no contact.” So he starts liking my posts on Instagram, and he doesn’t follow my account. So every time I would post-

Chris Seiter:
He actually has to look it up.

Sophie:
Every time I would post, it would be like within 24 hours, he would go and like the post. And I was like, “That’s such a weird way of signaling you want to interact with me.”

Chris Seiter:
The safe way. It’s safe.

Sophie:
Yeah, it was very low investment.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah.

Sophie:
And so at that point, I was asking myself, “Well, do I break no contact and talk to him?” And everyone in the group was like, “No, you don’t do that.” This is a very low investment move, even though it’s consistent, it’s low investment.

Chris Seiter:
Right.

Sophie:
So I decided not to break anything. And he reached out to me over text, actually, about a blog post that I’d written. And apparently, he went through the trouble of actually reading the whole thing. It was 20 minutes long on my private blog or whatever, and he found it through my Instagram somehow. And he reached out, being like, “Oh, that’s a great blog post.” And so I was like, “Oh, thanks.” And then left it at that. But he was actually starting to signal interest in me again a little bit as time went on. And I decided that I was, again, in a weird, crazy move, going to go on vacation to the same place as he was going, on the same dates. So I didn’t think we would necessarily run into each other. [crosstalk 00:39:17], yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So you had the time off work scheduled, but as he’s going also, you decided to go also.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So once again, you were manufacturing another run in. Okay.

Sophie:
A little bit, yeah. So I was trying to do that again. And he, I guess, got wind of the fact that I was going, and started texting me a little bit about him being there. And he started with small talk and whatever like, “Oh, what a beautiful location. Do you have any recommendations for places I should go while I’m here since you’ve been here before?” And I was like, “Is this reverse ERP?” But as soon as I tried to get any deeper, he was like, “We’re not there. I’m sorry. I’m not a confidant for you at this point.”

Sophie:
And I took that very hard. I was like, “Oh no. He doesn’t like me. He’s just toying with my feelings or whatever.” And so then he found out about the mutual friend problem, and that caused another problem where he was mad about that. And I can’t remember whether I was blocked again, but there was a series of angry phone calls.

Chris Seiter:
I call this a saga. This is really a long process here.

Sophie:
It was. It was super long. And I think it would’ve been so much shorter had I simply kept to myself during no contact, during my first no contact. I think if I had given him space and time to miss me, we might be in a different place.

Chris Seiter:
So a lot of times when I interview people, they talk a lot about their time during no contact. Usually they’re talking about the trinity basics, health, wealth, relationships. Did you do any of that type of work at all or did you struggle with doing that because you were just really anxious about him?

Sophie:
No, I actually really committed to the external appearance of doing all of that.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So I started going to the gym again, and I posted on social media on a regular schedule. And I was always going out with people, having a great time. Even when I was blocked, I was doing all of that. And I think that’s initially what made him curious. I talk to him now, and he was like, “You seemed to be doing really well. You were doing all these things without me. And it got me thinking.” So I did work the trinity. I did get myself into a better position, but I think I didn’t [inaudible 00:42:09] some of the-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I think just for me critiquing, I think probably the focus wasn’t so much on that when you have turning around of the car and constantly poking the bear with the mutual friends, things like that takes away from that and puts his focus on those things, but it makes him angry instead of the nostalgic feelings that you want. But clearly, something still worked by doing that.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
So what’s your take on that?

Sophie:
So I think where things reached a bit of a turning point was when we were having these conversations where I basically said, “I talked to so and so mutual friends. I talked to your ex girlfriend.” And the reason for the outburst was she texted him saying, “I heard everything she had to say and I don’t want to engage with you anymore.”

Chris Seiter:
So basically, the girls get together and they share notes, and it’s like, “Holy crap, look this guy’s been taking us for a ride.”

Sophie:
Yep.

Chris Seiter:
This, of course, makes the ex girlfriend here be like, “I’m done with you,” which of course, makes him angry. And then he, of course, needs to blame someone for the anger, and you seem like the easiest target.

Sophie:
And I was. Yep. And basically [crosstalk 00:43:27].

Chris Seiter:
Yet you technically did nothing wrong.

Sophie:
I technically didn’t. I still think I wouldn’t have stirred up so much drama until after talking to him about it, until after applying some of the better concepts that I learned. I definitely wouldn’t have done it again. But I technically didn’t do anything wrong, either.

Chris Seiter:
I think this goes to show, you can make mistakes throughout the process and still see results. But it prolonged those results.

Sophie:
Yes. And that’s what I would tell anyone. If you’re going through this process. Sure, you might think it’s a good idea at the time, but I promise you, it’s not. It’s not a good idea, whatever you’re thinking of. Don’t do it.

Chris Seiter:
Well, you had some extreme examples, like the best one so far is the balloon, the balloon hitting his car. As if you’re trying to be stealthy, boom, the balloon is-

Sophie:
Happy birthday. It’s her birthday.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, right.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
But eventually, there’s a turning point that happens. So you mentioned the turning point is when you start talking to him about some of the stuff with the mutual friends.

Sophie:
Yep. And we started hashing it out. And I basically, at this point, had decided that I wasn’t sure that I wanted him back. With everything that had happened, with the fact that he wanted to blame me for a lot of things that I didn’t feel I should take the blame for, I decided that I was not going to be apologetic, I was not going to be sappy about anything.

Chris Seiter:
Love to hear that. Finally, you got your power.

Sophie:
I did. And that’s when things started changing. Because I think he realized, “Oh, she might want nothing to do with me.” So at one point, we had a phone call where he was like, “Okay, this is going to be the last phone call, and then I need time and space away from you. And you’ve wrecked everything,” whatever. And I was like, “Okay, fine. We’ll have one last phone call. Let’s do it. Let’s have this phone call. So he called me, and I basically said, “You lied to me. You’ve not been a very good friend. Here’s the reason I said all these things. I had every right to be angry.” And I said, “I feel like I cut my losses in a sense.”

Sophie:
And he was very quiet. And I basically thought I was being dramatic. I was in a bar. I was drinking when I was calling him.

Chris Seiter:
Got some liquid courage.

Sophie:
Really, yeah. I thought I was being dramatic. And I was like, “Look, you know what? At the end of the day, I’m sitting in a bar, 750, 800 km away from you. I don’t know what that is in American, but-”

Chris Seiter:
It’s a good amount. 500, 600 miles.

Sophie:
A while. And I was like, “And I still know more about you and I’m still connected to you than any of these people that you’re worried about. So that’s that for me. And you can think it over and whatever.” So I basically said, “Have a good night. And I hung up.” And we didn’t really hash everything out at that point. I left it alone for a while. Eventually, we had a point where we decided to have a text message conversation about everything that had happened. We figured out where some of the misinformation came from. And he, at this point, actually wrote me a very long apology email. So if you thought this couldn’t get more dramatic, it absolutely can.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Sophie:
So this was in August, I think, late July, early August.

Chris Seiter:
We’re almost to October here.

Sophie:
August, yeah I know. August. And he, after hearing everything I had to say, and afterwards, he was like, “Why did you do that? That was a closure conversation. That wasn’t the best think you could’ve done.” But I decided to do it anyway. So after our closure conversation about friends, he sent me this really long email. And basically said, “I’m really sorry for how I treated you during our relationship. I think that you deserve better. I don’t think that I will change my mind. I still don’t want to get back together with you, because I feel like too much has happened and there’s just a lot that I need to process and work through.”

Sophie:
And so I think I had been coaching at this point for long enough that I realized that’s not necessarily true. He’s just an avoidant, and he’s been overwhelmed. So I said, “Okay. I appreciate your email. Thank you for sharing how you feel. We’ll go our separate ways.” And we did. And I cried a lot about it, because I was like, “What if he never loves me again? What if he’s serious?”

Chris Seiter:
Fear takes over.

Sophie:
He wrote me an email. He wrote me a whole email.

Chris Seiter:
Do you keep going back to the email and reading this one part?

Sophie:
Read the email again, read this one part where he said he didn’t want to get back together like 500 times. And Anna was like, “You know what? Just give him time. Just give him time.” So I did. I gave him some time. And then right on schedule, about two weeks later, he starts liking my Instagram posts again. And then-

Chris Seiter:
Super consistent. He’s super consistent.

Sophie:
Pretty much from there, he was really consistent about it. And he then messages me at 3:00 in the morning about a story I had posted. And this was a subtle jealousy post, because I had had a male friend over for dinner, and I cooked dinner for the two of us, and I had his hand in the background.

Chris Seiter:
Got to love those posts. They work so well.

Sophie:
That is definitely one of the things that pushed him to message me, because he had made up his mind. He was like, “We’re not getting back together.” But then I immediately jumped right back into my trinity stuff and going out on dates, and going out with people, and inevitably, that curiosity just crept up again, and he was like, “Oh, I see you still love pasta as much as you did.”

Chris Seiter:
Okay. It’s like that subtle way of being like, “I saw the post.”

Sophie:
[crosstalk 00:50:06] some reminiscing. We’re hitting a little bit of that I remember. And those were things I was looking for in some of his little reach outs that weren’t necessarily super high investment. But basically, Anna said, “Yes, you’re still in no contact, but if he responds in a positive way, that is something that you want to encourage, so don’t just leave it. Make a little bit of small talk. Make your exit. And just finish your no contact that way if he engages.” And I was convinced he wasn’t going to, but he did. So then he started engaging me a little bit. I would do my little, “Oh, got to go,” and duck out of conversations.

Chris Seiter:
All right, so Zeigarnik effect happening there.

Sophie:
Yeah. So I feel like a lot of the principals were good. I just definitely extended it far past.

Chris Seiter:
The execution was not the best, maybe.

Sophie:
The execution was very bad, but I think what I would say my takeaway from this was is that even with all of the mistakes that I made and even with the amount of time, he told me that as an avoidant, because he’s had a little bit of time to reflect on this now, he’s like, “You know what? Actually, I don’t feel like I was even ready to move on during that two, three months that things were really tense.” I guess it was more than three months. And he’s like, “It didn’t even cross my mind moving on at that point.” He’s like, “I was definitely busy. I was engaging myself with other stuff, but in a feelings sense, I hadn’t even processed it.” So for me, I processed it all in two weeks, but for him, he didn’t even start to process or even start to reminisce at all.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. It’s funny how that works, because you mentioned that you have some anxiety traits from an anxious attachment. Well, what’s interesting is after a breakup, the anxious person begins to process immediately, but the avoidant person does not process at all until time goes by. So what you have is this weird dichotomy where the anxious person has already processed things, and they’re able to get over it a little bit quicker, as odd as that sounds. There’s a hyper obsession right after. But by the time they get over it, that’s when the avoidant person begins to start processing, and that’s where this weird disconnect happens. So I’m wondering if that’s what happened here.

Sophie:
That’s exactly what happened. I was like, “I’m done.” I told Anna, I was like, “I’m done with him. That’s it. I’m not chasing this man anymore. I’m done trying. This program is really hard, and I don’t think it’s for me, so I’m just going to move on.”

Chris Seiter:
It is hard. Yeah.

Sophie:
And it is. But I think it was when I started to move on, that he was like, “Oh, wait, wait, wait.”

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, “Wait, wait, don’t go. Don’t go.”

Sophie:
So I basically just took it slow. I then started with normal texting phase, pretty much. Built rapport. Used tied theory. I was still single. We were still taking it really slow. And then how we ended up getting back together, actually was I noticed that he started coming to me with emotional things and I could tell that I was the first person that he would reach out to when something good happened and when something bad happened. And so I made note of that in my mind where I was like, “Okay. We’re at a point where we’re still friends, and he appears to be looking for girlfriend benefits that he does not get to have at this time.”

Chris Seiter:
He doesn’t have that yet.

Sophie:
He doesn’t have that privilege, right.

Chris Seiter:
You got to put a ring on it for that kind of stuff.

Sophie:
I’m not talking about it today until you marry me.

Chris Seiter:
We’ll talk about that after we stop recording.

Sophie:
So anyways, we had some phone calls. We went from texting to calling. And then we had started dropping a little bit, “Oh, we should maybe go out.”

Chris Seiter:
See each other.

Sophie:
Yeah, see each other or like, “Oh, so and so has a thing going on in a few weeks or a month from now, there’s another car show or whatever, some mutual interests.” So during one of our phone calls, he definitely got into his feelings about some things, and it wasn’t specific to me, it was just too much for me to handle. So I said, “I need a day to think about it,” and I stopped talking to him for a couple of days. And then I said, “Okay, I’d like to call you.” So I called him, and I said, “I don’t want to be friends with you.” And he got super mad. He was like, “Well, then why did you bother sticking around in my life and why did you talk to all my friends? And what was the point of all of this then?” And I was like, “No, you moron. I don’t want to be friends with you.”

Chris Seiter:
I want to be more than friends.

Sophie:
Yeah, and I was like, “I still have some feelings for you. I still like you.” And he went all quiet and he was like, “Oh.” And he was like, “I did not want to allow myself to hope. So even where you thought you were dropping really obvious hints during texting phase, even though you thought you were dropping really obvious hints during calling,” he’s like, “I did not want to allow myself to hope and I was hoping that time would work it out in my favor.” He’s like, “I was hoping that maybe we could meet up and then if things went well, maybe I could ask you for coffee or something.” So I guess what I took as disinterest was actually just him not wanting to push the limit a little bit or move things too fast. And he still expressed that to me. He was like, “Look, I don’t want to rush anything. I feel like I need to process still.”

Sophie:
But he said, “Let me take you for coffee.” So we went for coffee, and that was really great. And then we just started hanging out again. And then he met my dog and he asked me to be his girlfriend again in late September, I guess, maybe mid-September.

Chris Seiter:
All right. So we’re caught up a month after now.

Sophie:
Yeah. Just about a month ago.

Chris Seiter:
And you mentioned you’re looking at apartments?

Sophie:
We are. Yeah. He’s come to me with all this. Basically, he said, “The reason I re-engaged with you was you seemed different. When I would engage you on things, you responded differently. You were more light hearted about things. And you didn’t take everything so seriously or so crazy.” And he was like, “I kept wanting to talk to you because you kept making jokes, and small talk, and things that I was really comfortable with. So he said he was really, really curious about that. And I guess the point is, the emotional stuff is supposed to come later, and especially for him, it was important that it did. He did not want to end up in the same mess that we were in before. So since then, we’ve been working through. And we’ve had a couple of fights. But we’ve handled them very differently, where I’ve been like, “Okay, you know what? I think we need a minute. We’ll come back to this in a few hours or tomorrow or whatever, and if you can’t see me,” I’m like, “You know what, no problem. You can’t see me today. Go see your friends. Go do whatever.”

Sophie:
And that’s something that he was like, “Oh, yeah. This is something I still want in my life.” Because I guess everyone looks for what’s in it for them, and in that sense, he realized he would have a greater sense of freedom to make decisions without fearing the anxious consequences, essentially. So he’s like, “I think we should move in together. I think we should do all these things that we were planning to be doing.” And that’s come over the last week or so. He was still inching things like, “Oh, I know we’re moving to the same place. Our leases are up around the same time. I’ve got a male friend that I could move in with, or we could look at somewhere.”

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. Let’s look around a little bit.

Sophie:
Yeah. So I was like, “Oh, you want to move in with me?” And I could’ve been like, “Yes, let’s move in. Let’s do all these things.” But I was like, “I’ll think about it. I’ll entertain it. And if we find somewhere, then maybe we could think about it.”

Chris Seiter:
But deep down inside you’re like, “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Sophie:
I know. Right. And I’ve learned I just have to hold my horses. If I get too excited and I get too pushy, that’s where-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I think a good rule for you going forward is the if they pull back, you pull back ideal. Because that’s something that they feel like you’re giving them space. So like you mentioned, if he wants to go out with friends, you’re not as taking offense to why aren’t you hanging out with me instead of them. But allowing them to do that, when they pull back, you pull back a little bit. That you’ll find, especially with avoidant personalities, that works really, really well. And you figured that out.

Sophie:
It works like magic, I think. If I really want results, I’m going to just-

Chris Seiter:
And the beauty is if he watches this interview, it will still be effective. I promise you, it will still be effective.

Sophie:
Oh, yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Like, “Dude, I’m telling you, this is what she’s doing. And I’m telling you, it’s going to work on you. There’s nothing you can do.”

Sophie:
Yeah, and that’s basically it. When I told him about coaching with Anna and everything else, he’s like, “Man, I could be mad that I was a little bit hoodwinked.” But he’s like, “But it’s still meeting all of my needs, so I don’t feel like that is something that I’m going to worry about.”

Chris Seiter:
That’s good.

Sophie:
He’s like, “I still feel like we have the relationship that we want to have and I feel comfortable finally to approach you with things instead of feeling like you’re always nagging me, or pressing me for information, or telling me to share, or open up my feelings and things like that.”

Chris Seiter:
So looking back, what do you think was the most important key component to your success?

Sophie:
Definitely could’ve had more emotional control, but I think emotional control in the end was something that salvaged some of those situations.

Chris Seiter:
For you especially. Okay.

Sophie:
But I also think what was key to success? I think working that trinity, doing all that stuff, even when you think they’re not looking, I was hard blocked, and he definitely was checking on me. So he was seeing all the stuff-

Chris Seiter:
I tell people that, but they never believe it.

Sophie:
No, and I didn’t believe it. I was like, “There’s no way.” Everyone else I can believe that was hard blocked, everyone else, I’ll believe that their ex is checking their page, not mine. No, he was. And I busted him one time for it. And he subsequently admitted to me, “Yes, I was stalking your Instagram then when I had blocked you, because I was mad at you, but I wanted to know what you were doing and if you were doing things that were going to make me more mad.” So I think in a certain way, it was like we had not caught up in the process to the grieving part. He was like, “I was mad and I just wanted to see if you were doing anything that was going to make me more mad.”

Chris Seiter:
It’s interesting. It’s almost like he was going through the five stages of grief, but stuck in that anger stage because of all the things that you were doing.

Sophie:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
He wants to move on to the next stage, but you keep pulling him back to that anger stage.

Sophie:
And that was my bad in some ways. I think I did definitely poke the bear in some ways.

Chris Seiter:
That’s interesting. I got to think about that. Because there’s always something you can learn from people when they do things “not the correct way.” Because you did get a positive result in the end. So it’s interesting.

Sophie:
I think it was ultimately, it wasn’t about what I was doing so much as how I was doing it, and I think the program has definitely, from the first time that I used it to now, it’s definitely shifted a lot more towards you have to have that attitude change. You have to have that intangible. And in some ways, you really have to decide at a certain point, “I’m moving on.” Because it wasn’t until I had that emotional shift to like, “I don’t know if I want him back. I don’t even know if he fits my current goals, and my coaching goals, and my therapy goals, and my life goals,” where that was I felt the switch. It’s not just something you can manufacture with exactly the right wording always. But I felt like the way things were structured, the way that Kirstie does her texting guide, for example. It’s all very… It’s meant to give you that confidence of emotional control and doing things the right way.

Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s beautiful. There’s not a better testimonial than that. I try to tell people, “The key to no contact is to outgrow your ex. That’s the mentality that you need to have.” But people don’t get it.

Sophie:
It is. Yeah. I really think that that’s-

Chris Seiter:
So, Sophie, thanks so much for coming on. I really appreciate this. This is a really intriguing story. I love all the twists and turns. I love you’re full blocked, and then you get unblocked. And then you break up again, and then there’s the ex girlfriend, and then you talk and share. I love it all.

Sophie:
Yeah. It was a really wild ride, but I think in hindsight, a lot of the things that he’s shared on his own and a lot of the things that we’ve talked about now being back together are all things I learned during ERP. [crosstalk 01:04:41].

Chris Seiter:
We will gladly take credit for that. Thank you.

Sophie:
Definitely he was like, “I needed that space. I don’t think people understand how much space of what is actually needed and how much time they actually need.” People get afraid like, “45 days, what if he forgets about me?” He’s like, “I wasn’t even close to forgetting about you at 45 days.”

Chris Seiter:
I know.

Sophie:
So I think even in telling him about the program, he’s like, “It actually helps me feel like there was some people advocating for me, too, where it wasn’t just that you were trying to get me back, but also it was there are people that were actively supporting you into better habits and into a person that’s ready now for the relationship that we have.”

Chris Seiter:
The funny part is almost no one has good relationship habits. Almost no one gives people space, because they want to fix things right away. But thank you. This was amazing. I really appreciate you coming on.

Sophie:
Absolutely, Chris. I’m super happy to be a success story, and I really think that going forward, I will continue to apply a lot of the principles, a lot of things that I learned. And I recommend this program to everyone that I meet. I’m like, “Oh, you’ve been through a breakup? I have something for you.”

Chris Seiter:
Thank you.

Sophie:
Because I know my instincts would never have gotten me to this place. I can be fully honest in saying I would’ve continued to make all the worst mistakes and I don’t think that I would be in a healthier and happier relationship now for it. Yeah.

How to make someone miss you psychology: Understanding how it works

CoachAdrian — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 16:41:40 GMT

Understanding the psychology behind how to make someone miss you is the key to success. When you pay attention to basic human nature, it becomes much easier to make someone miss you and begin to crave being around you. I work with people every single day who come to me for help in making the person they love miss them, and I always make sure to explain the psychology behind it.

Because this is such a common topic, I wanted to write an article for you on how to make someone miss you psychology, so that you can start to define the best action plan for getting your ex back for good! I have dedicated my life to helping people get back together with the person they love, and this has enabled me to gather quite a bit of insight regarding what goes on in a man’s mind following a breakup. So let’s dive right in, shall we?

How to make someone miss you psychology: what is the key?

One of the things I always remind my clients of is the simple, yet often overlooked fact that if your ex made the decision to leave this relationship, it means that he or she had lost faith in your overall ability to make them happy long term.

There is always a reason behind the breakup, whether it is one big thing or if it’s an accumulation of multiple little things that pushed your ex to a breaking point. The main thing that’s going to change the situation is YOUR ability to change.

Your ex is not going to want to get back into the same exact relationship you had before because you both already know how that ended. The goal right now will be to show him or her that you have understood what needed to change, and the breakup served as a wake up call for you.

How to make them miss you by surprising them

We want to make your ex start falling in love with you again by realizing that you are evolving and becoming the person that they had lost faith that you could be. We want to surprise them in the best way possible.

So if you can put yourself in your ex’s shoes and start zeroing in on what exactly went wrong, you can start to define concrete solutions.

For example, if he or she felt that you were selfish, now would be the perfect time to start prioritizing selfless activities that start to positively impact the lives of others. Carve out some time to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or bake a batch of your favorite cookies for a retirement home on a regular basis.

By doing things like this, not only will you be making the lives of those around you better, you’ll surprise your ex in a way that will make him or her think, “Wow, my ex really seems to be growing and changing in a way that maybe I was too quick to assume wouldn’t ever happen… I think I miss them.”

Should I ignore my ex to get back together?

Keeping your eyes open when you want to make your ex fall for you again

That said, there is another thing I want you to keep in mind. Oftentimes, a person will focus so much on the psychology behind making a person miss you that they actually think about how they can adapt to their ex’s expectations, without factoring in what’s best for themselves. A specific example comes to mind as I write this.

I recently worked with Anna, who was trying to use the psychology of love to make her ex miss her. One of the main reasons why their relationship fell apart was that she was extremely tidy and organized, but her ex was the exact opposite. He needed her to be more chill and stop harping on him for being so messy. It caused a lot of tensions in their relationship until he felt like he couldn’t take it anymore.

So I explored the relationship and breakup with Anna. I asked her to reflect on the situation and really ask herself if the relationship was worth her giving up living in a clean home that genuinely made her happy. In her specific situation, she realized that there were multiple elements like that that made her feel like it would be better to go back to the drawing board and actually consider dating someone that is on the same page as her.

So I invite you to keep your eyes open and make sure that you’re setting yourself up for a future full of happiness!

Using NC psychology to make someone miss you

Now, let’s take a look at how to use female and male psychology to get someone back. As I said above, the key to success in these situation is surprising your ex and showing him or her that you can actually become the person that they weren’t sure you could be.

There are a couple different tools available to you to help you do this, and if you are familiar with our philosophy, then you have undoubtedly heard of the no contact rule. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this tool, it basically consists os giving your ex an electroshock that makes them realize that you have taken them off that pedestal and they no longer have access to you like they thought.

In many cases, we see that it’s easy for an ex to take advantage of you because you’re always available to them. When you stop being readily available to them, you surprise them and spark their attention. As you do this, it is imperative that you use this time wisely!

The NC rule is to be used for a predetermined period of time that depends on the intricacies of your relationship, ranging from three weeks to three months. While you’re in zero contact with the person you love and miss, you are to focus entirely on yourself and how you can improve your life.

Is it possible to move on after a breakup?

Make sure that you are carving out ample time to focus on your personal and professional goals, especially if you had neglected them while you were in the relationship! Think of what other types of activities you can introduce that can bring you joy. The busier you are with things that benefit you, the better. Think about how you can use this time to make other people happy as well!

For example, you can focus more on your passion for baking AND take a fresh batch of cookies to your favorite aunt that you haven’t seen in a while. The busier you are, the better!

Get more physically active and you’ll start to see a shift in your mood, that will make you feel more motivated to keep making positive changes in your life.

For more in-depth information on how to use the no contact rule, I highly recommend reading this article. We are also here to help you every step of the way, so please don’t hesitate to get in touch for one on one coaching and it would be our pleasure to help you define the perfect action plan to make someone you love miss you.

Thinking about human nature when you want to use psychology to make someone miss you

As this article comes to a close, I want to do a quick recap.

At the end of the day, your ex wanted to see changes that didn’t happen, so now is the time to prove to both you and your ex that you are capable of changing and evolving!

It is basic human nature to take something for granted that we assume belongs to us and isn’t going anywhere. So the key to making someone miss you psychology is surprising your ex in the best way possible by becoming the new and improved version of the person they fell in love with in the first place, using a tool like the no contact rule to give yourself the opportunity to bounce back and make improvements, while showing your ex that your world no longer revolves around them, and proving to yourself that you can be the person you’ve always wanted to be.

If you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section below, and it would be our pleasure to respond to you.

Wishing you all the best in life and love,

Your coach for understanding how to make someone miss you psychology

Adrian

Do Not Marry THESE Kinds of Men (RED FLAGS!)

Amy North — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 00:00:44 GMT

There are certain red flags that every woman knows that let you separate the players from the real men.

But did you know that there are also warning signs that you need to watch our for further on in your relationship?

These red flags will let you know that he’s not going to be a good husband, father, or life partner and if you notice any of them, it means that you should look elsewhere if you’re looking for something more serious.

The Men You Shouldn’t Marry

So first off, we need to talk about red flags more generally. It’s important to note that it’s not these red flags in themselves that make him not husband material, but rather it’s what these red flags imply about his character, personality and maturity level that will create a problem down the road if the two of you stay together.

These red flags signal things like commitment issues, dishonesty, and emotional immaturity.

He takes A LOT out of you

Relationships are often hard work. But if you feel like you need time to recharge after hanging out with him, this is a sign that he’s going to be difficult to spend your life with in the long run. When a relationship is functioning properly, it’s meant to recharge your batteries, not drain them.

Whether it’s his constant need for attention and validation, his erratic and surprising behavior or his constant need for sex, a boyfriend who tires you out is one you should think carefully about before marrying.

He doesn’t have any long term friends

It’s difficult for many people to build long lasting friendships, but if he has trouble making friendships last, this could be a good indicator for the longevity of his relationships.

Be mindful of how he talks about his friends, both past and present. Is he very demanding or critical? Are all of his many falling outs caused by the other person, with him refusing to take any accountability?

We’ve all had rough patches in our own friendships. It’s by working through these rough patches that you forge a stronger bond. If he’s always willing to bail at the first sign of trouble, this can mean that he doesn’t have emotional intelligence or the ability to compromise.

He makes plans but doesn’t follow through

If he talks a big game but can’t put his money where his mouth is, this is a red flag for your future together. This can be seen in anything from his personal life to his career to his long term goals.

On one hand, we all strive to be better people and sometimes our reach exceeds our grasp. It’s when his lack of follow through has an effect on you and your relationship that you may be in real trouble.

So maybe he promised you something and then broke his promise. Maybe he always says that the two of you will take a trip together and something always comes up. If you do decide to marry this guy, get ready for a lifetime of big promises and even bigger disappointments.

He gets upset when you go out with your friends

Some men will be out and out hostile when you do anything without them. Others will just be a little peeved when you go out dancing with the girls.

But the truth is, if he’s at all resentful that you have your own life, this is a really serious red flag for your relationship.

A real man will be happy that you have your own life, friends, and activities that don’t involve him. He’ll be okay with spending time alone, without needing constant presence and validation.

When he gets testy when you spend time without him, it signals a few things that will spell problems for your relationship. It means that he’s jealous and possessive of you. It means that he’s self-centred and feels that his own comfort comes before your happiness.

Does He Like Me? I’ve created a quiz that will tell you definitively if a guy likes you… or not. Click here to take the quiz and and discover his true feelings.

It means that he has issues with codependency and can’t bear being alone. Steer clear of guys like this as their jealousy and resentment will only grow stronger with time.

He doesn’t learn from his mistakes

Do you feel like you’re having the same fights over and over? Do you find that you have to keep telling him the same thing again and again? These are the hallmarks of a guy who won’t learn from his mistakes.

This can be for several reasons. Maybe he doesn’t respect your feelings and just tells you what you want to hear with no intention of changing his behaviour. Maybe he’s so self centred that he isn’t aware of how his actions affect other people. Or maybe he just lacks the ability to grow and change in a meaningful way at this point in his life.

None of these are great reasons and they’re all red flags for your future marriage. A man who won’t learn is not one you should spend any more time with.

He never apologizes

Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. It’s how we deal with this conflict that can bring us together, or drive a wedge between us. If you find that your fights end with a stony silence and a slow return to normal WITHOUT any sort of apology or acknowledgement of what went wrong, this is a red flag for your future together.

He doesn’t need to get on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness but he should make an effort to see your point of view and understand that he made a mistake.

A truly effective apology includes three parts: an acknowledgement of how he hurt you, a statement of apology (i.e. “I’m sorry”), and the promise to do better going forward. But if he falls short, it’s not a huge deal. Most people don’t know how to properly apologize to another person. In this case, it’s more the thought that counts.

And remember that all these red flags are a two way street. Do you get angry at him for going out with friends? Do you make a lot of promises and then flake on them? Remember that while it takes two people to build a marriage, it only takes one person to ruin it.

Amy North

Amy North, BA, BSc, is a woman’s best friend. If you’re searching for the man of your dreams, or you want make your boyfriend stay devoted to you, then Amy North is your gal! Amy's incredibly popular YouTube channel, which boasts over 340,000 subscribers and 20+ million views, helps women learn how to get what they want out of their relationships. Her best-selling program, The Devotion System, reveals a number of psychological ‘hot buttons’ that make any man 'tick', and teaches readers how to use simple techniques and phrases to make any man love you.

Why You Should Never Chase Your Ex

Brad Browning — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 21:23:45 GMT

If you want your ex back, it can be tempting to talk to them as much as possible, pursue them, and try to convince them to give you another shot.

But this is actually the WORST thing you can do in this situation.

Let me explain why chasing your ex is ineffective and why it’s so important not to chase your ex if you want them back.

Why You Should Never Chase Your Ex

The idea that you should NEVER chase your ex is something I learned very early on, and it’s been one of the most consistent lessons I’ve had to teach my clients ever since.

Because if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back.

What do I mean by “chase” your ex? Obviously I’m not talking about literally running down the street after them, although that would be an extreme example.

What I’m referring to is any action that essentially leads you to actively pursue your ex in an attempt to change their mind about breaking up or convince them to take you back.

This can be as simple as texting your ex repeatedly when they don’t respond initially, but generally it’s more abstract… it’s more about your own mindset and approach to dealing with your ex.

Chasing your ex means begging, pleading, spamming them with messages or calls, apologizing over and over, agreeing to their every demand, allowing them to manipulate or use you, sending flowers or gifts… these are things that I would define as “chasing” your ex, and they’re all terrible for your chances of getting them back.

What I DON’T mean, though, is that you should simply stop putting in any effort to win back your ex. That’s not what I’m saying at all. There are tons of things you can do — some of them you can do today, right now — to improve your chances and make your ex ask you for another chance.

In fact, my best-selling Ex Factor program is literally an entire online program outlining the countless strategies and techniques you can actively employ to reverse your breakup and win back your ex for good.

Why You Feel Compelled To Chase Your Ex

As I mentioned earlier, chasing your ex is what most humans will naturally tend to do when they’re dumped or when they change their mind about breaking up. When we want something from someone else in life, we ask for it, or we bargain for it, or we buy it… we don’t try to play mind games or think about psychology.

But when it comes to getting your ex back, asking for another chance… begging for another chance… trying to buy or bribe your way into another chance… trying to convince an ex to change their mind… those are the exact opposite things that actually make your ex WANT to take you back. So, it’s counter-intuitive, and doesn’t come naturally.

Our instinct is usually to chase after our ex and tighten our grip as we feel them slip further and further away… but, contrary to your instincts, the right way to go about things is the exact opposite of that, at least in most cases.

RELATED: Rules For Texting Your Ex Back

And frankly, emotions play a big role in this: you probably love your ex a lot, you miss them like crazy, and you want them to know that. You want to tell them how badly you want to try again and start over, or explain how things will be different.

You fear losing your ex for good, and you worry that’s going to happen unless you act now and convince them to take you back. But when you act on those emotions and fears, you’re just chasing your ex and usually making it harder and harder to ever get them back.

What Happens When You Chase Your Ex

See, when you ask or beg your ex to take you back, you immediately “lower your own value”, so to speak, in the eyes of your ex. All of a sudden, you put your ex in total control and hand them all the power… you basically make yourself subservient to them. This is fundamentally unattractive, and 99% of the time it’s going to make your ex MORE confident that breaking up was the right choice.

They’re not usually going to think to themselves, “wow, this is pathetic, my ex is a loser and I can do better” but they will subconsciously perceive you in a less positive, less attractive way.

They might still tell you they love you and miss you even after you do and say things that ‘lower your value’, but they will see you differently on a subconscious level and that will result in them being less and less interested in ever taking you back.

More than that, when you chase your ex, this shows you’re willing to do or say anything that will give you a chance to talk to them or see them in person.

You’re totally vulnerable to being used and manipulated by your ex, and you remove any sense of urgency or pressure for your ex to change their mind.

This is especially true if you decide to ignore my advice and NOT employ a period of No Contact after the breakup–when you’re always there for your ex, you always immediately reply to their texts, agree to whatever time and place they suggest to meet up, and bend over backwards at any chance to help them with a favour.

These are nice things to do, but they show your ex that they can have whatever relationship with you that they want. You’ll be there, ready to reply to their text instantly or pick up the phone and agree to pick them up from the bar at 2am… and you’ll be there if, at any point in the future, they want to change their mind about breaking up and get back together.

I know that might SOUND amazing — “My ex knows I’ll eagerly agree to get back together any time? Great!” — but the problem is with the phrase “any time”. Your ex doesn’t need to change their mind today, tomorrow, or even after they start dating new people… as long as you’re chasing them, they have no urgency to take you back, and you’ll always serve as a backup plan for them.

So when you apply the No Contact strategy, for example, you’re not giving your ex what they want. You’re not giving them an unlimited time frame to test the waters or find someone new, knowing they can just change their mind about breaking up and you’ll readily agree.

Sure, you WOULD agree if they asked, and that doesn’t need to change–but they need to WORRY that you may NOT agree, and feel like the clock is ticking and soon you’ll move on and find someone new, forcing them to commit permanently to the breakup.

The “No Contact” Difference

No Contact upends your ex’s expectations, and forces them to feel the full consequences of breaking up… along with creating uncertainty about what you’re doing and whether you’ll be willing to take them back. It makes you seem like a high value individual.

That can often, by itself, change your ex’s mind about breaking up — in fact, I see it all the time when my coaching clients use No Contact.

Their ex will often panic after a week or two of silence, and realize that this might be permanent unless they change their mind soon, and they then buckle under the pressure and fear of loss.

Again, No Contact is a perfect example of not chasing your ex… and yet still improving the chances of getting back together. Similarly, that’s why I recommend strategies like what I call “Covert Jealousy” and even stuff as minute as waiting a few hours to respond to your ex’s text messages can make a big difference and ensure you’re not chasing your ex and letting them take the driver’s seat.

Sending your ex gifts, flowers, or love notes… these are signs of desperation, and they’re going to come across to your ex as though you’re chasing after them.

And while there may be 1 in a thousand cases where spilling out your heart in a long love letter to your ex will actually work and help you win them back, the other 999 times out of a thousand, it’ll be a turn-off for your ex and shift the balance of power further in their favour.

If you want to do that kind of thing — gush your heart out to your ex, get down on your knees and beg them to forgive you, show up at their door with a ring and propose–do it knowing that it’s only to satisfy your need to share your feelings or to ensure you don’t regret not doing so down the road.

Because in terms of how effective that kind of thing is to actually convincing your ex to take you back… well, it’s just not effective at all, and I’m saying that after 13 years of experience working with clients in this exact situation.

Is Chasing Your Ex EVER A Good Idea?

Maybe you’re left wondering… are there any times where chasing your ex CAN be a good idea? What if your ex is the type of person who WANTS to be chased, and will get angry or resentful if you DON’T put in the effort to chase them and ‘play the game’, so to speak, like they want you to?

Frankly, that kind of situation is more about your ex’s ego and desire to feel wanted than anything else. Generally speaking, you don’t want to play ball regardless of what your ex wants, although sometimes you might need to sort of ‘throw them a bone’ every now and then to keep them from becoming genuinely angry that you’re not initiating contact enough or trying to keep their attention.

But overall, no, there’s almost no situation where chasing your ex is a good idea if you are hoping to get them back.

And let me share one final reason not to chase your ex, beyond everything I’ve already talked about: it’s going to hurt your own self-esteem, and it could possibly even cause people around you to lose respect for you.

Strong, confident people don’t chase after others for long.

They have the confidence and self-belief not to play that game, and the willpower and discipline to use proven effective strategies like No Contact and everything else I teach in my Ex Factor program.

They adopt a mindset of, “my ex made a mistake breaking up with me, and I hope they realize that before I find someone new”… they have pride and won’t let themselves be used, manipulated, or strung along by an ex even if they love them and miss them.

So, by not chasing your ex, you greatly improve your chances of actually getting them back, and you’re taking the high road and showcasing your confidence and self-worth to everyone around you… including your ex.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.

When is it time to give up on a relationship? Here’s how to know

CoachAdrian — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 09:04:54 GMT

There are a few questions that I am asked on a regular basis from all kinds of people, with all kinds of different backgrounds, all kinds of different situations. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me about when is it time to give up on a relationship. When exactly does a situation become hopeless and how can you know for sure?

When you’ve lost the person you want to be with, it’s common for your head to be filled with doubts. You might be thinking that it’s a lost cause, that you’ll never be able to get them back… This is even more true if you’ve been actively working on getting this person back and you haven’t been seeing the results you want. It might feel hopeless, so this question comes up. The truth however, is that when you think it’s hopeless, it usually isn’t!

What a lot of people don’t realize is that there are very few circumstances in which the situation is actually hopeless. There is always something different that you can try if your methods don’t seem to be working. Our team has spent years working in the field, developing methods that are tried and true. Each situation is entirely unique, so one method might be more potent than another. We are here to guide you towards success, and today’s article will explore the situations in which it actually is time to turn the page and move on so that you can find happiness.

How to know when to give up on a relationship with your ex partner

When you’re in the thick of it, wrapped up in spiraling emotions, it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not uncommon for someone with a broken heart to feel like their situation is hopeless, when in reality there is still so much that you can do in order to successfully get back together with the person you love.

When hopelessness sets in, you begin to feel a sense of desperation. You feel like all is lost. The surge of negative emotions can give you a sense of tunnel vision where all you see is the bad. You can’t see the numerous possibilities at your fingertips that could allow you to reorient the situation in your favor.

Because each situation is so unique, I highly recommend that you get in touch with me or a with a member of my team by clicking here. Together we can design a custom action plan that can propel you towards your goal and help you to get back together with you ex as soon as possible.

Knowing when to give up on a relationship isn’t easy. You spent so much time investing your time and energy, you made so many precious memories, and you had developed an idea of what your future together was going to look like. I’m going to be very honest with you because I feel that all of you deserve real happiness. There are some cases in which it is time to give up on a relationship with your ex.

Going Through Your First Love Break Up

We don’t see a lot of these cases, but they do exist. People come to me for help and guidance because they recognize that they have a fighting chance, and if you’re here, it means that deep down you know that you’re still trying to find the way.

So let’s take a look at some of the most extreme cases on when to to give up on a relationship with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend. For example, if this is someone you haven’t spoken to in ten years and they’re happily married with children now, it might not make sense to keep fighting to get them back.

This is especially true if you’ve been out of contact for a long time. You do need to get back in touch and establish proper communication with an ex if you’re hoping to get back together. If you’re unable to reestablish contact, the situation will become hopeless. That said, don’t think that if you haven’t tried yet that it’s hopeless!

The main reason why a situation might be hopeless will actually depend on the other person. When you’ve been able to create new patterns, revamp your own life, work on your self confidence, overcome your shortcomings, and you’re still unable to get through to your ex despite having tried multiple different ways, it might be time to give up.

Sometimes it is as simple as “It’s me, not you.” There are times when the ex in question just doesn’t bite for whatever reason, no matter how many different things you try. When something like this happens, the most important thing to do is to not fixate on the “why,” but rather acknowledge the current reality of the situation and use it as fuel to propel you forward. These types of situations serve as valuable life lessons that will shape your next relationship and teach you how to cultivate your own happiness.

There is no point in driving yourself crazy about why you’re still coming up short and why you can’t make this thing work if your ex just isn’t receptive.

If you see that your ex is not evolving, if you’ve outgrown them, if you see that they self-sabotage, and if you see that they’re not stepping out of their negative patterns, you have to understand that you can’t save people from themselves. I’ve worked with people who have done so much personal development, they’ve worked so hard to right their wrongs, but at the end of the day their exes just weren’t able to grant themselves access to happiness. At the end of the day, the situation is hopeless and it’s time to give up on a relationship with your ex if your ex is hopeless.

How can I get back with my ex if we work together?

I really want to stress the importance of not internalizing the situation and taking the blame when you shouldn’t be.

It is a defense mechanism that a lot of people have. We feel that if we can take responsibility for the situation and the issues at hand, then that means that we are in control of fixing them as well. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not in your hands and it’s important to be able to recognize that.

When is it time to give up on a relationship…

When you are feeling hopeless or defeated, it’s always helpful to look at the situation from another persons point of view. You can even put yourself in your ex’s shoes. If you really want your ex back, you always have to find and hold on to the glimmer of hope – which is hard! I know that there are moments when you feel disheartened and ready to give up.

But if you truly know this is this is the love of your life and you don’t see the elements that I went over above, you have to have faith and know that success is within reach. Knowing when to give up on a relationship is tough, but it is our mission to give you hope when you don’t see any.

It’s only hopeless when you’ve put in all the work that you can put in and your partner is still unable to make you better and bring positivity to your life. If they’re self-sabotaging, you would be better off focusing solely on yourself. It’s hopeless not because you aren’t good enough – it’s hopeless because the other person simply cannot make you happy.

Sometimes you do have to move on, but you must celebrate it! You’ll be moving on with no regrets, but your ex won’t be able to say the same.

This can be a new chapter for you, and all the lessons you’ve learned will make your next relationship that much better!

Wishing you all the best tin life and love,

Your coach when you’re wondering about giving up on your relationship with your ex

Adrian

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO ONE

Natasha Adamo — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 06:49:54 GMT

Knowing how to enjoy your own company is something that will immediately:

Change your life and luck.
Improve the quality of your relationships.
Rid your life of emotional vampires in a drama-free way.
Guarantee that you will no longer be needy and dependent on anyone to dictate your worth, mental/physical health, and happiness.

You are only considered “needy” when you put your fundamental emotional needs in the hands of anyone other than yourself.

When you truly know how to enjoy your own company, you are immune to a “needy” label.

Narcissists and other toxic types start to WISH someone like you needed them.

And those who are emotionally and empathetically available start to WANT you because you are now attractive to them.

It is a self-made, self-imposed league of your own. It is also the foundation of emotional entrepreneurism.

There is a big difference between being wanted and needed; between genuinely wanting someone and needing their physical presence (even though they may be emotionally absent) like you need oxygen to survive.

You’re still reading this post because you have, with the best of intentions, willingly given over the keys to a one-of-a-kind, priceless vehicle that only YOU are meant to drive.

You may have moved over to the passenger’s seat or have been demoted to the back seat.

Maybe you’re being held hostage in the trunk.

You may have been kicked out of the proverbial car altogether and now find yourself hitch-hiking on the road of life; always talking like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite about the “good ol’ days” when you had a priceless vehicle that could have taken you ANYWHERE.

Yet, here you are. Stuck.

It’s always everyone else’s fault. Ask me how I know (I have a doctorate in emotional and relational hitch-hiking).

You may have convinced yourself that you don’t know how to drive; that you can only rev up the engine to attract a driver and then, acquiesce to the passenger’s seat of your own life’s journey.

It’s time to get yourself in the driver’s seat. Whether it’s for the first time or vowing that this is the last time you will ever be displaced.

Learning how to enjoy your own company after a breakup, with no friends, at school, or even just at home starts with taking a look into your past.

Like I always say, no one had the perfect parent and no one will be the perfect parent.

Your parents did the absolute best that they could.

If your parents were consistently toxic and unavailable, if they threw money at problems instead of their attention and emotional availability; if they made you feel like you had to work for their love… that was their best.

It had nothing to do with you or your lack of worth.

As a defenseless and voiceless child, you were worthy of their unconditional love but instead, you were primed to perform for crumbs of approval.

Now, as an adult, you feel unworthy of unconditional love from the only person who will ever matter more than all the others: YOURSELF.

I used to internalize the ability of one of my parents to be everything I wished they’d be with me, but only with everyone else. This wounded me. As an adult, my solution was triangulation – in my relationships with family, friends, and lovers. It was the only way I could numb the pain of never being “good enough” to have a crumb of a cookie that was my birthright.

So what did I end up doing?

I made good people feel like they had to compete for my respect, loyalty, love, time, and attention.
I lied compulsively.
I lived in constant drama and denial.
I contradicted everything I supposedly stood for and copied everyone around me because I had no sense of who I was without the physical company, influence, and approval of others.
I was disloyal to loyal people.
I had to always show (via social media and other ways) how many friends I had.
This is all very embarrassing for me to admit, but things like hooking up with guys, the number of “BFFS” I could acquire, social status, and material purchases (that I could not afford) were what I used to measure how “not alone” I was.

I couldn’t stand being alone because I didn’t know how to enjoy my own company.

What I didn’t realize is that all of the above were trauma-response coping mechanisms. They were merely ways to evade the truth and perpetuate denial. They were tiny (and very damaging) bandages that I would put on the metastatic CANCER of my inability to be alone, with myself and my thoughts.

I think the answers to questions we have regarding unrelenting emotional pain, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, bad relational luck, etc., in our adulthood, can almost always be found by taking a look at our childhood.

It’s about taking a look at trauma we’ve experienced and abandonment we’ve felt with the curiosity and enthusiastic inquisition of an archeologist (and the end result of empowerment). Instead of the impulsive habit to disempower and reduce ourselves to a helpless victim so that we can then shame, punish, and label ourselves into an inescapable prison of mediocrity.

I was raised around a lot of anxious attachment. Because of this, I wasted my life trying to avoid my own company – with friends, activities, engaging in stupid, time-wasting drama, showboating, phone and technology usage; the list goes on and on.

When it comes to knowing how to enjoy your own company, the truth is, you could be surrounded by countless family and friends. You could be the most popular person at school, in your community, or at work.

You could also, have no one in your life to call or to grab dinner with. No one that checks on you to make sure you’re doing okay or even reciprocates one fraction of what you give to them with all the love in your heart.

The point is, you could have no family and no friends. Or, you could have a very big, loving, or maybe even toxic family and fake friends. Either way, if the denominator of your dis-ease and pain is loneliness, it will feel just as paralyzing for the person who has everything you wish you did as it does for you.

You don’t know how to enjoy your own company because every time you tried to develop that skill as a child, you were disempowered in some way. You were so hungry for approval and validation, without it, the loneliness was too consuming and painful. You may have been made to feel like you were worthless by someone you looked up to and trusted.

This initiated a need to essentially find others to save you from yourself.

Now that we have identified the root cause of why you don’t know how to enjoy your own company, let’s get into how you go about improving the quality of the one relationship you can never afford to lose.

How do you learn to enjoy your own company? Is there a way to learn how to enjoy your own company without friends or after a breakup?

If you do a simple internet search of “how to enjoy your own company,” you’ll find many of the same suggestions.

“Have conversations with yourself.”
“Take yourself out on a date!”
“Clear your mind.”
“Appreciate all of the little things.”
“Plan a trip and go alone.”
“Accept and let go of the past.”
“Forgive yourself.”
“Get a weighted blanket and make yourself a nourishing meal.”

All of these are great suggestions. I didn’t want to waste time going into suggestions like these because they’re all over the internet.

Recently, I read a few quotes by Tom Hardy and they were much more accessible. They spoke to me more than any of the above suggestions. I may not agree with everything Tom is saying, but at least these quotes got the wheels turning. And after reading every one of them, I was either saying, “Yes!!” or Amen!”

“Weak people always have to be in a relationship so they can feel important and loved. Once you know how to enjoy your own company, being single becomes a privilege.” – Tom Hardy. I wouldn’t make a blanket statement that someone who always has to be in a relationship is weak. It’s definitely unhealthy and a red flag, but who am I to label anyone as weak? I chose to include this quote regardless because I can say that for me, personally, when I always had to be in a relationship of some kind to feel like I mattered, it was because I was weak. I had allowed the past to define me (and subsequently drain and break me down; I wasn’t strong). When you know how to enjoy your own company, being single becomes a privilege because you’re back in the driver’s seat. You are calm, never impulsive or frantic, because you know what you will and will not accept. As I’ve always said, the number one symptom of standard-setting is loneliness. But when you’re back in the proverbial driver’s seat and know how to enjoy your own company, you can still feel lonely without defining yourself as worthless and unworthy of high-quality company. You know what to do when loneliness hits because you are your own best friend. And you’ve stopped settling because you know that you can never “settle” your way into being, experiencing, and having everything that you want and deserve.

“Being alone for a while is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people anymore.” – Tom Hardy. I would change this to, “you don’t want to waste your time with TOXIC people anymore.” Toxic people get their validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs. When you realize that you actually feel more alone in relationships with toxic people than if you were physically alone, you start to prioritize your peace. When peace is prioritized, it becomes protected. And when it’s protected you start to build self-respect; you realize that you’ve been with your best friend all along (you).

“People don’t understand that sitting in your house alone in peace, eating snacks and minding your own business is f*cking priceless.” – Tom Hardy. Yup. I couldn’t agree with this anymore or have said it any better.

You are here because you want to know HOW to enjoy your own company; I’m going to tell you how. You need to realize that there is not ONE person on this ENTIRE PLANET who has been with you through every.damn.thing.

Not ONE person who knows EVERY SINGLE detail, secret, failure, embarrassing habit, success, rejection, pain, trauma, and the shame from it all.

The ONLY person who knows ALL of that and has STILL MANAGED to keep your heart beating in spite of all of the abuse, stress, and living with a limiting label that was never yours to adopt is YOU.

Don’t you deserve some self-respect? Don’t you deserve to care for and love yourself – instead of looking to others to do it for you?

No one is going to save you from yourself. No one is going to heal your past for you because no one has actually walked in your shoes but YOU.

The moment you realize that you are your own leader, savior, best friend, healer, “driver,” protector, and greatest love, THEN AND ONLY THEN can you start to enjoy your own company and be more choosy with who gets time with you (because you love YOUR TIME with YOU).

I think that knowing how to enjoy your own company is an art. It’s taken me so many years but finally, I am no longer at odds with myself. This was facilitated by realizing how much my “self” had done for me all those years when I did nothing but abuse, sabotage, undermine, and limit her.

Now, I have that weighted blanket. I love taking myself on dates. It’s no longer arduous but actually nice to treat myself to little indulgences and nourish my body with yummy food. It’s impossible to just skip to these things. Things like a weighted blanket, taking yourself out on dates, etc., are what NATURALLY happen when you do the necessary work and build off of the right foundation.

Now, if I go out to dinner by myself, I don’t need to be on my phone or squirm around because I’m uncomfortable.

I am my own best friend, first and foremost.

We choose a family for ourselves in our partner and our friends. If you feel like you want to start choosing more wisely, then it’s time to start treating yourself with more respect.

I used to tolerate disrespect because I was dishonoring and disrespecting myself at every turn. When you stop trying to educate people into being what your ego needs them to be and start GIVING YOURSELF everything that ONLY YOU know you need, you won’t feel guilty about walking away from users because you no longer tolerate anyone who treats you any less than you are consistently treating yourself.

If I can do this, so can YOU.

You got this and are never, ever alone.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

STAGES OF A BREAKUP: WHAT TO EXPECT ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Natasha Adamo — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 04:02:55 GMT

When I think of the Stages of a Breakup, I immediately think of the Five Stages of Grief. If you’re not familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of it before.

Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced these stages in her book (published in 1969) On Death and Dying. This book (which included the Five Stages of Grief) was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Kubler-Ross’s model hypothesizes that people in the thrones of grief experience a series of five emotions, or “stages”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

If you’d like to look more in-depth at these stages, see studies refuting and supporting this massively influential concept and get more information, you can easily do your own research online. David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kubler-Ross, recently wrote about the “Sixth Stage” of Grief he discovered: Meaning.

After the death of his son, David was heartbreakingly affirmed firsthand just how non-linear, not progressive, and unpredictable the process really is.

I am not a doctor, a medical professional, or a professional who is licensed or certified in anything (and I’ve never claimed to be or presented myself as such). My education has come from life experiences, not a classroom. I have the utmost respect for the psychological and psychiatric professional community and am honored to work with many people around the world from the professional community.

Although I have not run clinical studies in a scholastic environment, I have survived people, relationships, situations, and circumstances that I was convinced I couldn’t.

I have gone to war with parts of myself that for years, I was too ashamed to acknowledge. And although I am still very much a work in progress, I have come out on the other end.

Currently, I work with clients in 31 countries around the world – many of whom are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that wasn’t supposed to ever go away. I have not only been emotionally suicidal myself, but I talk to people every day who are emotionally suicidal due to the soul-shattering pain of a breakup with a selfish, emotionally unintelligent individual who lacks self-awareness, empathy, maturity, and a life outside of their egoic needs. They may also believe that the truth has versions.

I see the Stages of a Breakup that people are in, in real-time, every day.

Through the years, I have noticed many common denominators when it comes to the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex.

I define a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for theirs.

Holes can be poked in literally anything and there are exceptions to every rule.

Yes, people of all genders, orientations, and circumstances experience many specific differences. But I have noticed that pain is pain; an investment in a relational Ponzi scheme will never elicit consistent returns, and it’s a lot of the same bullsh*t – just different body parts and dynamics.

I write from the perspective of a straight woman because it’s the only authentic perspective that I can write from. But I feel as though these Stages of a Breakup that I’ve come up with (after going through it myself many times myself and coaching thousands of people around the world), are very common when it comes to breakups with a toxic ex.

Whether it’s a breakup in a romantic relationship, a friendship, with a family member, a coworker, etc., toxic people have a way of making us feel like we were nothing more than a doormat-launching-pad. A doormat whose not-enoughness, launched them into profound change and evolution, relational success, and a happier life now that we are no longer in it.

The Stages of a Breakup are definitely NOT linear; you may not experience all of them.

And just when you get to one stage, you may fall back into a stage you already feel like you’ve gone through.

That’s okay.

The truth really does set you free. But if you’ve never known the peace, indifference, freedom, and joy of emotional independence, you will always find yourself returning to the shackles of relational toxicity.

No matter what you believe you deserve in this life…

If you’re more familiar with toxic relationships than you are with healthy, reciprocal ones, certainty will always take precedence over the courage to act on healthy boundaries. Even if it’s reaffirming the certainty of your own pain, perceived worthlessness, and suffering.

This breakup has made you forget just how resilient and irreplaceable you really are.

It’s time to refresh your memory.

The Stages of a Breakup are here are as a guide to frame, identify, and break down what you may be feeling and experiencing.

What are the Stages of a Breakup with a toxic ex?

1. Limiting Your Relationship With Reality

In order for your ex to be able to continue living on in your head and heart as someone worthy of your time, attention, and love (and also, capable of changing), you need to actively limit your relationship with reality.

Why?

Subscribing to reality is painful; the truth hurts and right now, it’s too painful to accept.

2. Cherry-Picking the Good

We cherry-pick the good times of the relationship and the decent qualities of our ex. We then, amplify those little bits of decency – all while turning our back to non-negotiable bullsh*t at every turn.

We do this because we are more focused on the high of satiation (from a little crumb of “good”) than we are interested in (subscribing to reality) and addressing the shame of starvation (how hungry we have to be for a CRUMB of decency to satiate us).

3. Show Them What They’re Missing While “Healing”

As far as the Stages of a Breakup go, this one makes me laugh because I’ve done is so many times in so many different (embarrassing) ways.

Whether it’s on social media or through mutual friends, we indirectly try to show our toxic ex what their missing on a superficial level while trying to heal on a substantial level.

I’ve tried acupuncture, reiki, Eat Pray Love, yoga, meditation, you name it. This was all happening AS I WAS attention mongering at every turn; putting on an indirect performance to get a crumb of validation from an ex who couldn’t even self-validate.

4. Rationalizing Friendship

There’s no reason we can’t be friends… right?

Wrong.

Yet, we continue to try and put the square peg into the round hole.

Because we have limited our relationship with reality, we can’t see nor accept that our ex was NEVER a true friend to us. So, we expect them to be capable of a mutual and reciprocal friendship just because they are no longer our partner.

This makes no sense. You aren’t that powerful that your (perceived) worthlessness could make an emotionally and empathetically connected, responsible adult completely disconnect and abandon their moral code JUST BECAUSE they are in a relationship with you.

5. Checking up, Stalking, and Obsessing

Nothing ignites stalking and obsession more than a toxic person rejecting us. Of all the Stages of a Breakup, this is one of the most difficult to get past.

Never has it been so easy to check up on an ex (without directly contacting them) as it is today. Checking up soon turns into a full-blown stalking obsession. We check their social media multiple times a day, drive by their house, etc. all to try and maintain a pulse in an already confirmed dead-end relationship.

6. Falling off Your White Horse

We “check up” (social media stalk) so much (or we hear something from a mutual friend) that we get triggered enough to react when something shakes us to our core. Staying on your white horse Is emotional intelligence; it’s non-reactivity.

By allowing our emotional triggers to dictate our actions, we inevitably fall off our white horse and break the promises we’ve tried to keep to ourselves. This creates a great deal of shame and embarrassment because it feels like our ex now has “the power.”

We then try to give our reactivity a purpose via closure-seeking.

7. Closure-Seeking

With all the different Stages of a Breakup, this one can feel the most out of control and hopeless.

Bottom line: As long as your self-esteem is low and your ex’s level of toxicity is high, you will not only feel desperate for closure, but you’ll feel like only they can give you the closure you need to healthily move on. The thing is, if someone treated you so poorly that you start going on a closure expedition, you actually have the key to your own prison cell. Their hurtful behavior IS your closure.

You can’t expect someone who was consistently immature, disrespectful, and dishonest to now, all of a sudden be mature, respectful, honest, and able to value you, all in the name of closure.

If this could actually happen, exes around the world would be giving closure and I would be out of work.

8. Self-Sabotage

Because of how poorly the closure-seeking made us feel, we try to “get back out there” and socialize, go out, maybe even date.

This is about as effective as putting a bandage on cancer.

But because this relationship has drained you of your sense of reality and self, you end up attracting people, circumstances, situations, and events that affirm your negative belief system. You look for erasers everywhere but all you end up finding are people and situations that highlight the absence of your ex.

9. Disgust

Of all the stages of a breakup, this is my favorite one because once you get here, there’s no going back.

You FINALLY get to a point where you become so disgusted, you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Your emotional gag reflex has kicked in with both your ex and their toxicity, along with YOUR OWN toxicity that you are now able to own and identify.

10. Forgiveness

To me, forgiveness is adjusted boundaries rooted in acceptance. You accept who your ex has unfolded to be.

You accept what you did/did not do and you adjust your boundaries accordingly because you prioritize your peace over the chaos and crumbs of relational amateur hour.

This is how you give your pain a purpose. It’s how you can USE other people’s toxicity to get you out of your own, once and for all.

It’s how you accept that some people are lessons, some relationships are mirrors, and until you are willing to compassionately address the person staring back at you, you will never be free.

If you want “revenge,” prioritize your peace. Toxic exes do not realize the shackles they are in until they see you unlock your own.

I will be digging much deeper into these stages soon. This is just an introduction to help you identify where you’re at and affirm that you are not alone.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

OVERSHARING ATTACKS: WHY THEY HAPPEN & HOW TO STOP THEM

Natasha Adamo — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 22:23:50 GMT

The 21st century is the age of oversharing. it feels like we need to know everything about everyone. And we are pressured to present a perfect (yet highly falsified) reality.

You aren’t considered “normal” if you don’t have several social media handles. It has now become an unannounced protocol to take a photo of our food before we eat it and create boomerang videos cheers-ing with friends.

At times, I find myself wondering if portraying a lifestyle has taken precedence over actually living a life.

So, when does sharing become oversharing?

Was it last week when you spilled the details of a fight with your significant other?

Is it that quote you just posted?

Was it the conversation you had with the cashier about your family’s lack of boundaries?

“But I don’t understand, isn’t this being vulnerable? Isn’t this what letting people in is all about? How can having the comfort to speak freely about our lives be oversharing? What’s the point of social media, if not to share – our experiences, our milestones, and our lives?” you ask.

I get it, oversharing is confusing.

Especially when social media bombards our lives and we carry out personal diatribes in our day-to-day.

Before we move any further in this conversation, let’s define the differences between vulnerability and oversharing, so as to not confuse the two. Then, we can get into where our oversharing comes from and how we can stop the unintentional diarrhea of the mouth.

The Definition of Oversharing vs. The Definition of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is defined as the willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weakness to be seen or known; willingness to risk being hurt or attacked. (reworded; original source: Oxford Dictionary).

Oversharing is defined as the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of detail about one’s personal life. (reworded; original source: Oxford Dictionary).

The link between being vulnerable and oversharing is willingness.

This willingness stems from two different places.

The willingness tied to vulnerability is in the context of a situation or relationship where personal information has been shared safely – to help understand a person’s struggle and help others feel less alone. It is, as Natasha says, sharing that is “non-gratuitous.” “It’s aimed at inclusivity, not exclusivity.” Willingness in the name of vulnerability is not attached to self-serving behavior, and it is not meant to initiate action or manipulation for personal gain.

Vulnerability requires a level of humility. This is a willingness that is akin to bravery, it’s showing our authentic self with the possibility of misunderstanding and judgment, but not abandoning the version of ourselves that we have revealed.

The willingness that comes from oversharing is rooted in attention-seeking behavior. This willingness can be disguised as bravery, but it has different roots. When we overshare, it’s like we are screaming, “HEY! I AM HURTING AND I NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT MY STRUGGLES HAVE BEEN HARD!”

We want to be seen.

We want to be heard.

We want to be cared for.

We want to know that we matter.

These are feelings that are inherent to the human experience, they’re natural. However, when we overshare, we set ourselves up for fake sincerity and connection. Not to mention, oversharing breeds forced and often, unfair expectations.

Think about it: when you’re in the company of someone you don’t know very well and they reveal too much, are your reactions to them sincere? At that moment, you’re most likely focusing on how you can segue the conversation to a different topic; yet, still, show the appropriate reaction for their sob story.

Does that interaction sound pleasant for either person involved?

Do the words of encouragement you’re hearing feel genuine?

Probably not.

For someone to give a genuine, heartfelt response, they need to be vulnerable. And people aren’t used to wearing their heart on their sleeve for strangers.

When You Have an “Oversharing Attack,” Is That Oversharing a Coping Mechanism?

In my opinion, yes. As Natasha has said before about her own inability to stop oversharing in the past, “oversharing is an involuntary, rapidly-growing-in-real-time response to un dealt-with trauma.”

Why Do People Overshare?

We overshare when a part of our lives/ourselves has been silenced.

We overshare to feel relevant in this world.

We overshare because we long for connection.

We overshare because a part of us doesn’t feel safe and this is how we “ask” for help.

We overshare when we don’t how to attain validation from within. So, we seek it externally.

I’m a firm believer in inner child work. The coping mechanisms we learn in our formative years cross over to how we handle life as adults. Oversharing can be your inner child calling for help. Maybe as a child, you couldn’t safely express your feelings because emotions would disrupt the “peace” at home.

I can attest to this experience.

I overshare as an adult now because as a child, I was told not to tell anyone about my problematic home life. Even after twelve years in therapy, I still have moments of oversharing – as if I’m making up for the time as a child when I should have asked for help. It’s my duty now to compassionately redirect; to pivot. To make the choice for my younger self as to how I am going to help and protect her.

Oversharing isn’t always tied to our past. It’s amazing that as adults we can feel silenced and powerless, though we are regarded as being fully formed and responsible in our emotional regulation.

Whether it’s in your romantic life, professional life, or in your friendships… problems happen each and every day. It’s possible that in these relationships, fair communication and empathy aren’t reciprocated.

Whatever your explanation for oversharing is, it’s most likely because you have a need or desire that isn’t being heard or met. It’s easier to garner sympathy and understanding from a stranger because they don’t see how you behave normally.

Once you receive encouragement from said stranger, you are relieved but also, mortified that you spilled your life on this unassuming person. A person, who, like you, has their own problems, fears, and insecurities.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t share your struggle with others, but share with those you TRUST. Venting is critical to the healing process from weakness in oversharing to strength in vulnerability. To vent in a healthy way, ask permission to share your experience and listen to your instinct as far as the other person’s ability to mentally handle what you’d like to share.

Two people that are deeply hurting do not always have the emotional capacity to be there for others. Thus, do not put the expectation of another person’s validation of your existence, to heal your pain. Constantly relying on emotional validation is a drain for everyone involved. On the flip side, oversharing isn’t always a negative thing. It can be a gateway for heightened awareness, self-reflection, and everlasting change.

The choice is yours.

MINDFULLY be aware of who you are sharing yourself with. Remember: you are not for everyone and everyone is not for you. Your life is something to be shared, but only with those you have mindfully (not compulsively) decided to open up to.

In the words of William Shakespeare, “All the world’s a stage,”…but choose your audience wisely.

Below Are My Tips on How to Stop the Diarrhea of the Mouth and Stay on Your White Horse:

Acknowledge to YOURSELF that you feel unheard. Write it down. Write down all of your anger, hurt, insecurities, and pain. Writing your feelings down provides tangibility, it gives a physical and malleable presence to emotions. Personally, I like to destroy whatever I write out that is upsetting me (safely, of course). ***If you are a reader of Natasha’s past posts, she mentions writing your ex’s name on a piece of toilet paper, dropping it in the toilet, doing your business over it, and FLUSHING. Try it. It’s cathartic.
Choose a TRUSTED FRIEND to vent your story to. When we choose someone that we have MUTUAL trust to speak our feelings to, the response will be more genuine because of a foundation that has already been established. Always be considerate of the place that the other person may be in. It can be extremely helpful to ask if they’re in a mental place to listen to you. They may be going through their own struggles that you know nothing about.
Ask yourself this question: “Does Royalty talk to paparazzi?” Royal Families do not divulge their private life to the paps. They keep quiet and handle issues with non-reactivity. You are royalty and need to start treating yourself as such. Don’t be snobby, but believe that it is a privilege to have intimate knowledge of your life because IT IS. Before opening your mouth, think: “What do I gain from telling this person this? Have they earned the right to know me in such a way?” Know your worth. Your time and experiences are precious.
And of course, therapy. Granted, seeking a mental health professional isn’t an option that is accessible to everyone (my heart breaks). Speaking to a certified professional puts you in the perfect lane to overshare in a safe, healthy, and productive environment.

This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Brieana.

Brieana will be answering your comments and questions below!

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

By: Shiloh

Shiloh — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 17:59:39 GMT

Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.

I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly. (Why should you trust me or the advice on this page? Because we have over 11 years of experience and we strive to keep all the information accurate and helpful. Read more about me, this website and our editorial policy over here.)

Who this article is for?

This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you have been through a breakup and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together and make you feel miserable.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my eleven years of experience helping people with breakups).

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. It also includes case studies that you can read by clicking on them. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, I can get him back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

A study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, clearly suggests that most people will choose a secure partner for a relationship over someone who is insecure.

If you take a deep breath and think about it, you will realize that anything that makes you look insecure is only going to push your ex away. Begging, texting them constantly and overall being desperate are signs of insecurity and it’s not going to make your ex feel attracted to you or think about getting back together.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

In most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Conflicts should not always lead to fights, anger or name-calling. I highly recommend that you try to learn healthy communications. Read books on communication, get therapy if needed. If you feel lost or confused and need help figuring out what to do next, consider getting relationship coaching

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors (because of all the shouting) and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other, they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking. In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process.

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message after no contact. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling
No Texting
No Facebook Messaging
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

If you were with your ex for a considerable amount of time, you may have developed an identity that is connected to two people. Once you start no contact, you may feel uncomfortable, anxious or have a sense of emptiness being by yourself. You may feel like you have lost your identity, like a part of you is missing.

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship, this feeling is usually associated with the desire of getting an ex back and is more common amongst anxiously attached individuals. That means if you were anxious in your relationship with your ex, you are more likely to feel incomplete after the breakup and that getting them back will make you whole again.

However, getting them back just because you feel incomplete is not a healthy decision. Instead, use this time to learn to love yourself, understand your anxiety, learn to manage it on your own and learn to be whole again without being in a relationship.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on Social Media can be a significant source of distress to individuals.

And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. (Read: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex)

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.

And it didn’t work.

The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

(Read more about signs during no contact rule here.)

Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

Here’s how you can do that.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.

Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

Controlling Nature
Extreme Jealousy
Insecurity
Lack of Passion
Low Self-Esteem
Lack of Personal Hygiene
Lack of Motivation in Life
Lack of Communication Skills
Lack of Social Skills
Inability to Trust
Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist. If you are unsure if therapy is for you, read this article on healthline about the benefits of talk therapy.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love my ex.

I can’t live without my ex.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.

Attraction
Connection
Or Trust

For example,

You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)

Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

Update: Therapy helped Margarete and she got her ex back in a healthy relationship. She had a serious conversation with him about the issues in the relationship. And it motivated her ex to work on his issues as well. I teach how to have such conversation with an ex in EBP Advanced.

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking. And they can always tell if you are faking.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
You have made a few positive changes in your life.
You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.

If you want a sample message written for you, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages.

You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you don’t have an option, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

Texting Rule: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. And since you have a LOT of experience traveling there, I thought I’ll ask you. Do you have any recommendation for some fun activities we can do? I am thinking about Zip-lining but I am not sure if it will be worth it since we only have the weekend. ”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Mindy’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Mindy kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Mindy felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Mindy found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Mindy because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Mindy eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Mindy was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Mindy decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

Be on The Lookout For Sh*t Tests

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more importnt than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much that sentence affected her.

“You shouldn’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

References:

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (1994). Gender and working models of attachment: Consequences for perceptions of self and romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00055.x

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours

Park, J., Wood, J., Bondi, C., Del Arco, A., and Moghaddam, B. (2016). Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci 36, 3322–3335. https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/11/3322

Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540

Cope MA, Mattingly BA. Putting me back together by getting back together: Post-dissolution self-concept confusion predicts rekindling desire among anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):384-392. doi:10.1177/0265407520962849

Kupeli, N., Schmidt, U. H., Campbell, I. C., Chilcot, J., Roberts, C. J., & Troop, N. A. (2018). The impact of an emotionally expressive writing intervention on eating pathology in female students. Health psychology and behavioral medicine, 6(1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2018.1491797

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-therapy

Larson GM, Sbarra DA. Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):399-406. doi:10.1177/1948550614563085

By: Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson — Thu, 17 Sep 2020 05:41:00 GMT

Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

Who this article is for?

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my eleven years of experience helping people with breakups).

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, I can get him back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

A study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, clearly suggests that most people will choose a secure partner for a relationship over someone who is insecure.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling
No Texting
No Facebook Messaging
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. (Read: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex)

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

And it didn’t work.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.