Doing Magick

Denial Will Kill You

2013-05-22T10:12:00.002-07:00

Denial is a cold embrace, a false memory nourished by repetition. Its comfort is chilling misery. In the end, this can only end in the public death throws of the ego.

Self-created memories are needed to fill in the gaps in one's perception of reality bringing a false light of goodness to the dark corners in the story. You did A, B, C, E, F, H but always forget to mention D and G or if you do, what comes forth is a rationalization which is just a dress-up word for self-deception. The problem friends is that when we do this, we have a tendency to build a self-image and/or an ego dependent upon those rationalizations. We can claim for that little phantom self everything from superiority to victimhood.

In the immediate moment in this lifetime, all those efforts at controlling the spin are simply too much work. There is a saying I heard while studying life coaching that goes something like this: It is harder to avoid doing what you are supposed to do than it is to do it. Think of how hard your mind has to work to avoid everything from mowing the lawn to going back to school. Think of the anxiety it creates. Own that saying is a fundamental truth.

When we apply that to denial the problem becomes exponentially greater because the things we deny reveal our shadows. Those parts of ourselves that we deny. This compounds the anxiety which is now the ghost in the machine driving all sorts of other silliness trying to keep the phantom image believable to the world. Sooner or later, the stress will get you or the flaws within the imperfect image simply become too obvious.

The trap lies in the failing to admit your errors. The trap lies in the in the inability to own those aspects of your shadow self and do something about them. You can integrate them and flip them to your service much as you'd do working with the Lesser Key spirits (Goetia) or you can find a shrink to help you avoid or understand them. I'm sure there are other things but you damn well better do something.

The first step is being able to say I did D and G and this is what I was hiding. I have done that. It is embarrassing and it is hard. However, I gained respect instead of losing it. Even in totally damaged relationships people have said at least I owned it.

The second step is doing something active to learn from the experience and grow. This must be more than acknowledging to yourself what you did. Perhaps a simple way to do this is creating a thought-form who is instructed to warn you when that same shadow is at work. Knowledge is power. Power is light. Light is love.

Fail to do this and the stress will kill of some part of you. The shadow will bury your brighter nature. You will have surrendered to your own self-created lie. This is the very definition of spiritual failure.
The upside is that a little work can make that an instant success even after decades of denial. Suddenly, I am hearing a lot of lawn mowers starting up.

Note: First paragraph revised to remove pompous wording.

Active Participation

2013-05-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things making it hard to write here is how simple it all is. Many of us use complicated systems like the Qabala or study ancient writings until our left eye falls out. Many of us become religious and put ourselves through all kinds of dogmatic restrictions. Worse, many of us get initiated into various orders, cults and social clubs. Then it gets really sticky. We start to bash each other with shouts of 'you are doing it wrong'.

Newsflash: YOU CANNOT DO IT WRONG

Yes you can accidentally kill yourself with magick or someone else or cause severe health problems because you have no idea what you're doing. You can appear to set yourself back years, a decade or a lifetime. The unfolding will happen no matter what silliness you engage in.

Why then do we do all these things? We do them for the joy of active participation in our unfolding. We do them because we are compelled to evolve now, no matter what the price. We do them because we are ready. There is no other answer.

Got My Ass Kicked

2013-05-15T19:56:00.001-07:00

Last night, I did the Manifestation Meditation. Once again it organically evolved on its own. I experienced a download of power and a visual but I could tell they did not align. Today, I experienced that misalignment. I became Old Robert for about two hours. When that was done, I totally freaked out. How did I go back to that?

The upside is that I learned something important.

There is a part of my manifestation that cannot handle large inputs of spiritual energy. This is why my anger/frustration issues became more and more prominent as I grew more and more serious about my spiritual practice. This is hard to describe but the upper parts of my manifested self can handle the influx of energy. My body can as well but there is some part of me in between that cannot. When that is over-stimulated my emotions and my physical body react poorly. This time, I could feel that part of me. I cannot name it and I do not have a direct solution yet but I am encouraged. This is the beginning of the final solution.

Obviously, I have come a long way and I am proud of that. Just as obviously, I am not done with this.

Do You Get It?

2013-05-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

Screw trying to write well. In this mystic mindset, it is impossible. So here goes some random stuff that you can grok or not.

Take all the intellectual games magicians play and use them for what they do not what they are. You can argue with others about Plato and Iamblichus all you want. You can say this 8th century dude said that and compare it to the 9th century dude's scribblings and state categorically how Hermes Cthonos was contacted back then. Yes, it can seriously help. Are you thinking I am going to say it means nothing unless you do the magick? I am not going to say that because you already know that. The real point is you're doing qabala. You are looking for every bit of information you can find until all those bits and pieces cancel each other out. That is when you get it. Before that, it just sounds like you get it. After you get it, you still get to write books and impressive blog posts but now you get it. Getting it is what matters.
You know all that shit you've done wrong? The right is in the wrong. Wrong is simply right action misapplied.
If you are doing magick in the silence of your life to impact other people, then 90% of the time, you don't get it. Every once in a while you have to back someone off aside from that...
Everyone is God.
No one or nothing is less than anything else.
A jerk is God cleverly disguised as an asshole.
Stop sweating it, you are already doing it right.
If you feel better when you make someone else look bad or they are looking bad all by themselves, you don't get it.
The difference between a magician and a mystic is that the former imposes his will on creation and the latter receives his will from creation. Receiving is SO MUCH EASIER.
You deserve it.
Never let someone else create your emotions. It is a set-up!
For your own work, your own divination system works better than someone else's. The trick is you have to know how your universe is created first. The universe is truly a simply place. Stop over complicating it.

T. Thorn Coyle and Lon DuQuette

2013-05-13T07:09:00.002-07:00

I attended their class this weekend in Oakland, California. I have never attended a T. Thorn Coyle class before and I must say that I was impressed. She is on my recommended reading list for all aspiring magicians.

Sharing their class information here is inappropriate. They should be paid for their hard work. The did record the class. So, expect an opportunity to hear it in the future. The six hour class cost a $100 and was worth every penny.

Notes:

I know my last post was pretty difficult to follow. I promise it made sense in my head when I posted it. I will try to revisit that one in the future.

For now, I am no where near the same guy I was when I started this blog. I am finding it more than difficult to write in this space. I am in a place of indwelling peace. I am still meditating and doing magick. Things are just very different.

That Which Is

2013-05-04T10:36:00.003-07:00

As you know, my ontological awareness consists of:

the perfection of the unfolding
continual creation
the wholeness of all things

There is a difference between knowledge and awareness. With knowledge one reads about the labels other people assign to phenomenon and adopts them as their own. We then project that information onto the world making bold claims of our wisdom and perceptual abilities. This folly is a necessary step.

I did this with the Tree of Life, describing events as being of Geburah, Chesed or Yesod. Further, I shared my 'wisdom' that this or that was of fire, water, air or earth. Still too I use this language for it is readily understood by those that share a path in part parallel to my own. These words exist to explain or deal with phenomenon. In such both the description and resultant action are incomplete.

Awareness is to intuit the noumenon and to Be pure within it. Such states surpass the need to perceive, not only with the senses but with any part of human mind. Here exists spirit. We can hold that the methods used by others to add meaning to earthly events by stating that an incident bestowed power and glory or defeat and expulsion as irrelevant politics.

The politics of man is limited by the lower nature, which in turn is wholly confused for exalted spirit. So low are these games of ego that one cannot even say people worship the second father in ignorance of the first. Instead, at such times, we worship the orphan as its own parent.

To become a part of That Which is Itself for the briefest of moments destroys faith, as that too is an illusion of the heart. Faith though is much higher than the demigod bastard born of nothing but the illusion of personal import. Being part of, destroys too the notion of the continuum of events (non-duality). Being part of, fully part of, if only for an instant, is to experience holiness. This not some pious show of the religious or spiritual peacock but instead a full moment experiencing the divine flow.

The instant we label that experience with an emotion word, a sense of place or any other meaning, we step away only to long for a return, which is again failure. Success, victory, for lack of better words is one of a Spirit-awareness which exists on its own but is immediately veiled once the mind grasps for meaning.

To remain in the experience is to be no longer of this world, no longer in this world, but instead to be of and with all worlds.

So May it Be.

Knife Fight

2013-05-03T15:59:00.002-07:00

Peace is an odd thing.

This morning, I awoke early and did the MM. I asked to be reminded of the unfolding perfection, perpetual creation and completeness. I was reminded of that all day. I remained calm, in place, perfect. People treated me differently in subtle ways. A meeting that was projected to be a angry disaster and to which I was seriously and explicitly invited as 'protection' and 'cover' occurred. Seating placed me between my friend and the dangerous fellow in attendance. Who said local government is boring? The meeting was calm, orderly, professional and everyone left friends. That is what happens when you bring Jupiter to a knife fight.

I am now ill, running a fever but utterly content. I have not a single insecurity. My past exists but is irrelevant to this self. I am in love with everybody on the planet, including past enemies. Though, it is hard to remember what that really means. I feel good and happy while I am measurably sick.

I love this state of Being.

Dream of Awareness

2013-05-02T17:17:00.001-07:00

Normally, I do not receive a lot of information from dreams. Last night was different. I dreamed that I was doing a task and someone was watching me perform. It had the feel of a scientific study rather than a work one would do for a living. At some point, I approached a piece of modern wall art. It was a print of mostly white with abstract flashes of color. I colored in sections of it and highlighted other areas using orange, green and purple. These are the candle colors currently on my altar.

I became mad at myself for defacing someone else's art. I was particularly upset at the cost I would have to pay the owner of the art, but even more so, I was beside myself over the orange square I had drawn and colored in.

Upon waking I realized the art was the art of life and the orange came from Hod. I am thinking too much. I am projecting those thoughts too much. I simply need to live and do what I know I am supposed to do and let the rest unfold on its own.

Note to practitioners: This is the advantage of having an ontological viewpoint that isn't constantly changing in eclectic orgies of inclusion. My qabalistic colors are easily perceived by both my conscious and subconscious mind. They help me communicate with myself like this in both dreams and visions.

Spiritually Content But...

2013-04-30T19:43:00.001-07:00

I have reached a place of spiritual peace. I am very happy with my relation with the divine. I have a ontological view that, while not unique, I developed on my own that really speaks to my soul in a deep way. People have tried to bring me down since my spiritual rebirth. I have had a pagan tell me that I am out of touch with reality, bipolar and dangerous. I have had evangelicals tell me that I am going to hell (and they have never met me). I have had a couple of friends look at my sideways. None of these things have had an impact. I know exactly who I am, what I am doing and where I am going. I don't need to denigrate anyone to remain there. In fact, I find myself lifting people's spirits and creating smiles. Life is good.

On another note...

I filled out personal life evaluation form as part of my life coach training the other day. This form breaks various parts of your life into sections and then asks you to rate them. I rated my spiritual satisfaction very high. Had I found a category or two further off the mark than I expected, I would have been find with that. Instead, I found many off the mark. This form reflected exactly the effort I've put into things in my life. My spiritual success has come at a price that I am no longer willing to pay.

So, while maintaining my current spiritual place and even continuing making progress on my path, my main focus is going to move to other areas. The upside for me is that I know how to put an effort into the things I deeply want as proven by my spiritual quest.

Separated for Chance of Union

2013-04-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

A coworker once stated that no one can answer why suffering leads to spirituality. Why did G-d make it that way? S/He could have done something else. Well, we could have been made with three arms, vocal cords that do not allow us to choke or see-it-all Google glasses. We were not. I cannot speak to why it is so but perhaps to the function.

I used to ask my Christian friends why they felt prayer was necessary. If God is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient, what is the point of prayer? He knows what you want, what you need etc. So, prayer does what exactly? No one could gave me an answer that wasn't full of hidden I don't knows and evasions. I eventually stopped asking. It just made folks uncomfortable.

A couple of months back during a healing, I found myself standing there doing nothing. The healing was taking place unguided by myself. What am I doing here? I am not necessary to this process. That is when the answer to my old question hit me.

People know when they need some sort of intervention. They light candles, go to a church service, do some hocus pocus or the like. All of these things have an otherworldly or external feel to them. When someone that cares about you prays for you, they are expressing compassion and as much as saying, "We are in this together." We pray for each other because it is an expression of compassion. That compassion allows us to grow closer to our fellow humans. We feel less alone. In short, we are learning to unify with each other, tiny little pieces of G-d, until we learn to unify with the larger whole.

We suffer because we are separated. Prayer and other compassionate acts bring us together and alleviates all sorts of pain. Suffering people gain spiritual success because through their own trials, they learn universal compassion. In that state, Unity permeates their being and we see that as spiritual success.

Habits of Spiritual Living: Your Will

2013-04-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

Doing your true will is often sighted as the goal of the modern magician. The true will as I see it is living in accordance with one's soul purposes, note the plural. While the ultimate lesson may be a full return to unity or singularity, the smaller tasks we use to get there can all be classified as soul purposes.

Doing one's true will is very active -- fiery. The phrase reveals an attitude of discovering one's will and thrusting it forward into one's life situations and thus into the lives of others. This is a very Crowleyesque way of living. In fact, he said that if one is doing one's true will, it is the fault of others if they are in the way.

While his point is understandable, there is a difference between imposing one's will upon an event and receiving one's will within a larger situation. The latter reflects a true respect for the teaching nature of all situations. The process is not of discovering so we can do, but learning so we can be.

Receiving one's will from within a situation means that we have engaged in actively listening to the divine notes unfolding within ourselves and others. Doing this means that have asked some questions so often that our lives resonate with situationally specific answers.

What are my values?
What stimulates my soul to joy?
What does the other want and more importantly need?
How can I contribute by honoring my values and the needs being expressed?

Living by the answers to these questions allows us to be continually instructed and refined. We become part of a greater melody rather than a discordant note in the lives of others.

It not helpful to over or undervalue ourselves or the other. Discounting our own values or soul joys is dangerous because doing so is often injurious. Unnecessary, short-term obstacles will appear. Discounting other's wants out-of-hand is dangerous because they often reveal a deeper need. If one cannot see into that deeper need, it is best to simply honor the wants of others as best we can. Failing to do so can heighten angst to disturbing levels and increase suffering.

Honoring the wants and needs of the other, must be done with due honor and reverence to our own values. For, sacrificing those leads to our own suffering. When we make choices that strike the proper balance we live joyful divinely connected lives effortlessly.

We do not over or undervalue ourselves or the other.

Expansion lessons.

2013-04-20T22:17:00.001-07:00

Note: I am drunk blogging. I did the MM tonight and it had some extra pop. Oddly, I find myself drunk on bad wine. It was what I had laying around.

As previously reported, my next lessons are those of expansion.

Thursday and Friday I was hit with incredible waves of sadness. One came from the Psychic who was missing her deceased mother. It was very sad but bearable. Last night, it came from a childhood friend. Her pain was more difficult to deal with. I believe because the situation is ongoing. Horrible.

In neither case could I tell where the energy came from. I had to ask around. All I knew was the the person was female. More than one person claimed to be the emitter of the energy. Upon the right person explaining why they were sad, I knew which matched.

These were sad events. The feelings impacted my evenings.

Earlier in the week I heard a rumor that the perpetrator of the very bad thing claimed another victim. I found this sad too but it impacted me in no other way.

I have been applying my life coaching training to various social situations and find myself to using those tools to be much more outgoing.

Overall, the week has been the most difficult since my rebirth on February 4. One day, I had a great deal of difficulty seeing the perfection. I woke up feeling like old Robert. I had old Robert's attitude. However, I managed to contain it within for the most part. The rest of the week, I felt and saw the perfection, only it brought less joy than before.

Void of Course Moon Experimentation

2013-04-19T17:11:00.002-07:00

I have been doing a lot of visiting with ideas gathered over the course of my career regarding the void course of the moon. I posted a smattering of my experience here that I reference below.

I posit that the sights I see during voc are not as random as they appear but an unfiltered vision of unmanifested forces not unlike, though a bit more complicated, than a photographic negative. The woman I saw was surrounded in green because she has a 'desire' for me based upon my abilities and healing I have done for her and her family. This desire is a response to an unhealthy view of myself as an 'advanced' human. Green is the color of desire. The sword with the pommel in the stone shows my tendency at the time to find the most painful implications of thought and never grasping them in a way that I could use them properly.

When the moon is not void the energies pass through its field which stabilizes them for manifestation. I am therefore going to look at some difficult challenges in my life through the void of course moon and see if I can draw conclusions by observing their unfiltered state. It will not be long before I place some magick within the VOC and watch it flow through.

Stay tuned.

Magickal Dangers

2013-04-16T16:48:00.002-07:00

We've all read about the rules of magick. When we first told we look at them as procedure. A spell casting should have a link such as a lock of hair, unwashed garments etc. We are told to guard our magickal items closely as they can be used against us. Most people understand those thoughts and follow along. Then we are told to beware of the void course of the moon. The what?

Several experiences of late have proven to me once and for all that these are not mere procedure but esoteric facts.

I have plans to sell my house and move as part of my new life plan. So, I am cleaning out my magickal storage room. I have a bedroom full of stuff. There are twelves shelves with so many books they are falling off the rack. There are bins on the floor, a closet packed with mostly magickal items and two garage-type storage shelves packed to overflowing. Some of it is hitting the trash, other items are saved because they may be useful or because they have been used in a manner that makes tossing them out seem disrespectful. This is a lot of work.

The education I am getting from this trip down memory lane is invaluable. I am finding items that other people left behind after ritual that I must have placed in that room for safe keeping. When I pick them up, I am reminded of the ownders and how they have changed or not changed. I am shocked by the little mundane things that should not have held energy to them but explode in a field of emotion. The memories come back just as if they were evoked by an old song. If it was a magickal garment, I would understand. If it was jewelry, I'd understand. A take out menu? You have got to be kidding me.

I assume the person who left the menu underwent an initiation that night or was being broken down by the process or some such thing. I swear if I wanted to curse or bless that person, I could have easily done so with that menu in my hand. I threw it away.

Lesson: Never leave your magickal items at anyone's house. If you have to, make a list of what you bring and check off the inventory as you leave. Do not leave the house without your stuff. You cannot be assured the person who finds it will not hold a grudge five years later or want to experiment with your life. They may be your friend now, you may be mistaken or they may become temporarily unstable and do something stupid. Secondly, those things from emotional times, good or bad, are even more potent than genetic material left behind. The more emotionally charged you are, the more careful you should be. Obvious problem, the more emotional you are, the harder it is to be careful.

The void course of the moon is a different animal all together. In fact, if it were an animal it would be a duck-billed platypus. If you don't know how odd this animal is, do some research. You'll find that it is the only poisonous mammal in North America. Does it deliver it's poison with a bite, a sting or spit? No, it has a bone spur on its hind foot, foot, not feet.

From Wikipedia, which jived with what I already knew, The unusual appearance of this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal baffled European naturalists when they first encountered it, with some considering it an elaborate fraud. It is one of the few venomous mammals, the male platypus having a spur on the hind foot that delivers a venom capable of causing severe pain to humans. I am pretty sure this creature manifested during a void of course moon.

When I first started to encounter the effects of this phenomena, I was baffled. I explained strange disjointed visions and was told to check the moon calendar for those dates and find out if the moon was void. It was in each case.

The last time I encountered this was during a healing session. I could see the person I was trying to heal but she was within this weird post-industrial punk scene. She was within a corroded copper-green iron skeleton of a building, table saw blades floated by, a green fuzzy cloud swam through the air, electric currents hummed and before here was a shimmering group of vertical lines looking much like a bar code.

In other visions, I have seen a bird with an ax for a head, a sword buried in a rock...but the hilt was in the rock, air that was on fire, trees growing downward from the sky and that was just what I can describe.

My theory on this is the moon filters energies through the lens of the house it is in. When that filter is not there, you get the full energy of manifestation but as a blind force. It will ground but it doesn't care how, just like lightening. Watch out or you will get fried. With that, there shouldn't be a lot of questions about why magick is a bad idea during this time unless you are more talented or experienced than I.

This blind force reminds me very much of PTSD clients. More on that in a future post.

The Lesson of Expansion

2013-04-13T06:43:00.001-07:00

The vision of mountain ranges speed by as the earth rolled beneath me in what I can only describe as the IMAX of the mind. There was scant transition between that and seeing the globe from space. From there I understood that expansion is movement past limitations.

The real understanding came when that idea became personal. The first lesson, seeing the passive-aggressive people in my life, how I projected virtue upon them and the power games they play passed through my mind. This allowed me to expand past that particular game and create my personal life by avoiding that scenario. This was the minor lesson, the precursor.

The second revelation was descending back to Earth and flying by the actress that engineered the very bad thing. The vision shot me past her in an instant. I have no intellectual understanding of what that taught me. It was more than moving past an incident or a person.

Back in space, the earth was contained in a bubble of spirit. The powerful lesson hit me. The earth is complete. Every moment, every incident, every action, everything is complete. If something happens now, it is complete now even if an additional thing happens later. For instance, if I have a discussion with someone and that party says, "I do not know the answer to your question," and we part company, the interaction is complete. It is a whole distinct thing to itself. Later, if the man comes back with an answer that interaction is complete unto itself.

This all sounds obvious but my words do not convey the emotional impact nor the knowledge of completeness. This is how the universe is at every moment. Complete. Whole.

So there is now Robert's Reality:

All things are perfect; The perfection is the unfolding.
All things are continually created by a shower of light.
All things are complete; All things are whole.

Making Qabala Real / Orgasm of the Heart

2013-04-12T17:09:00.003-07:00

Criticism is often leveled at the Qabala for being impractical. The question turns on the what one deems practical. If you deem knowing thyself, traveling the astral to learn of your soul, angels or the nature of the divine practical, than Qabala is practical. If your view of practical is limited to things that directly impact this world, then Qabala is more difficult than say Hoodoo and witchcraft.

Qabala is becoming practical for me because I have taken to sleeping with Hebrew letters. Often as I go to sleep, I will focus on either Qoph, Shin or Tau, the letters of the three lowest paths on the Tree of Life. Qoph deals with the moon, the unconscious and to some extent intuition. Shin is the creative force of fire when it flows downward but more destructive when you try to move up the path. Tau is the balanced force of manifestation and somewhat associated with Saturn.

I cannot do this to great effect every time but often enough there is some intangible feel that tells me I got it right. A sampling of results follow.

Qoph -- the next day at work I knew that my coworker was having a self-esteem crisis. I toned down the banter that day and took the pressure off. Later that day, he said something that I overheard that confirmed what I felt. Practical Result: I did not accidentally negatively impact someone's tough day.

Shin -- the next day I meditated and realized that my past social problems have been with passive-aggressive people, their common tip-offs to their behavior and the like. From that, I am creating a life that moves past people like this and pay attention to opposite behaviors. Practical Result: This allows me to create my life with intention.

Tau - I dreamed of someone and was taught by the emotion of the dream. The odd part was that the setting of the dream and the demeanor of the other person were not congruent with the emotion of that other person as I felt it. That feeling resulted in a greater understanding of the others capabilities in this life. Practical Result: Some perceptual ideas grounded into practical useable knowledge.

Obviously, all of these lessons can be put to use for practical magick. I will let you know, if I get around to it.

Speaking of practical, I recieved this last week from the PTSD person I am working with.

"I experienced this three times in the space of 15 minutes, Robert! Simply amazing. I so wish everyone could experience this. To touch the divinity of All and within ourselves and the knowing... how incredible! to feel all feelings... it was like an orgasm of the heart. "

The Lesser Than Shard

2013-04-10T17:55:00.001-07:00

The other day, I saw a picture of an ex on Facebook and my heart sank. I thought to myself, Are you kidding me? That was almost two years ago. What is your malfunction? I don't mind being human but sometimes being human in certain ways is quite silly.

I asked a friend what my problem was. Her reply was that she didn't know but it was likely a different version of the soul shard. Rejection hits me harder than most. Some random dude on the internet is not a problem. People I know in person and care about is a different story.

Last night, I did the MM and asked to be shown my problem. The answer was instant. You think these people* are better than you.

Fuck.

Then, Everyone of them is passive-aggressive.

Holy Shit.

The passive-aggressive personality creates an illusion that I fall for. I learned of this illusion through life coaching. In life coaching, the coach only speaks ten to twenty percent of the time. It should be closer to ten. When the coach does speak, it is in the form of a question. Teaching moments and statements of fact from a coach are very rare. I noticed this creates the illusion of friendship. I like my coach. He is a nice guy. He has a warm personality but I do not know him. This I knew and realized before the meditation. Funny how learning dovetails like that.

When I look look back at all of these people. The interactions were pretty much like my relationship with my life coach. Likely unconsciously, they shared little and let the assumption of friendship reign. I projected high qualities upon them they had not demonstrated. Naturally, any relationship has its issues. When issues arose these folks respond passive-aggressively which drives me nuts and closure never happens. Hence why I have such a hard time getting over things: I projected my ideals and they are incapable of adult dialogue in difficult situations, at least with me.

I now know which personality types to avoid but there is something more.

When I look at these people with clear eyes. I see them as much more human than I saw them before. I see the flaws and in one person past the outrageous magickal glamour. They're flaws do not make them less than me; They put them on par with me. Suddenly, I feel old things that have sat silent behind some cobweb of my mind releasing. We'll see what happens when that next picture shows up.

* I am speaking of only four people here.

Perfection and Beauty

2013-04-07T10:09:00.001-07:00

Visions of perfection and beauty have changed my life. While I have described perfection as beautiful, beauty has a distinct meaning in the context of my perceptions.

The perfection is the continual unfolding of the divine both macro and microcosmically. In seeing that I understand there is no sin, there is nothing that is 'wrong' or 'right'. The only thing that happens is the unfolding. From a Christian view point the 'shocking' part of this would be the realization of the god-nature of Judas. His so-called betrayal of the Christ was necessary for the entire Christian motif to emerge. Without his act, the entire focus of Christianity would be changed.

It is important to note that the betrayal of Christ by Judas did not lesson Christ's divinity but enhanced it. That suffering for our 'sins' would not have occurred had he not been captured by the Romans and been crucified. So too, the betrayal of friends and loved ones does not hamper your divinity or value either. The trickier part is the realization that the betrayer is not diminished either. All of this is part of the unfolding.

I have encountered people that immediately understand what is being communicated here even though these thoughts have never occurred to them. Others have had so much difficulty that they have invented reasons to stop speaking with me. This does not bother me at all as it is part of their unfolding. The life changing portion of this is that I hold a deep and abiding love for so many now, even those that have behaved questionably. The vast majority of negative events in my life have been utterly and completely forgiven. Even those that have not been, have been so tempered that the emotions are mild. Complete forgiveness is coming soon and I look forward to that day.

Beauty is something else. Beauty is the process of creation. This can best be shared through the tree of life but from an unusual perspective. The supernal or first three sephiroth, Keter, Chochmah and Binah are supposedly unmanifest. I have my doubts about that but such things things are outside the scope of this post. Those forces combine to form Daath, the hidden sephira. Most depictions of it are black as it borrows its planetary attributions from Saturn. I believe that is misleading. It's color is white as seen using a black light. Macrocosmically this is the power of the world-soul hidden before the power of manifest creation.

Creation gets its energy from the sun. On the tree this refers to Tipereth (6) energy, the yellow sphere in the middle. Rather than the tradition flat depiction of the Tree, I am seeing it now as if the middle pillar is set back some. Imagine pulling on Tipereth, like you would one side of a rubber band, so it becomes the furthest point back and how that pulls Daath and Yesod (9) into line with it forming a bit of a triangular shape but not equalateral. Now drop Daath in front of the sun/Tipereth.

The power of the sun moves through Daath, an intelligence, modifying the singular energy into a power that stimulates creation and refracted so that it passes through the other sephira and emerges modified in strength, form and color while retaining the Daath-given purpose. These sparks of energy rain down upon creation manifesting everything. The microcosmic equivilent is manifesting everything in your life under the direction of your soul using the energy of your Daath.

Witnessing those colored sparks is like seeing rain pass through a rainbow with each drop absorbing a color and shining it forth. This is beauty. This is creation. This is wondrous.

My Next Lesson - Expansion

2013-04-06T21:57:00.003-07:00

I have been learning about beauty. Tonight, I asked about my next lesson and was told it will be expansion. I asked if they can be learned concurrently. The answer was yes. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. Apparently, expansion teaches humility. I have some ideas about that but they are likely incorrect.

Rainbow of Qesheth

2013-04-04T22:54:00.002-07:00

I had been told beauty would be my next lesson prior to the return of the soul shard. At first, I used it to look at difficult things that had the potential to disrupt my awareness of perfection. In doing so, I saw the words, events or actions through the shard which turned the image into a rain of color. Therein, I beheld beauty and perfection.

It occurred to me that every mind loses it once in a while. We get shocked by some event and forget what we know of the divine. I had no desire to let that happen. So, in meditation, I absorbed the shard into my head. The result is that I cannot walk out of doors without seeing a steady rain of colored light blues, reds, yellows, greens, oranges, indigos, and the hue of Daath. My eyes see what they always have but the overlaid image of that light stays within my internal reflection as more real than real. It is beauty, perfection, joy.

This may be what was meant by the Rainbow of Qesheth (Link to the Golden Dawn, Regardie) which is the rainbow of promise stretched above the earth. The colors are said to come from the paths leading from malkuth on the Tree of Life. The letters of those paths Qoph, Shin and Tau spell qesheth or bow.

The rainbow is mentioned in the Golden Dawn Zelator Initiation. In that ritual, we are told of how the foolish and rebellious look upon the created world and find therein nothing but terror and obscurity while the wise behold the dazzling image of their creator. During the ritual the candidate is told that s/he is not yet ready to witness that image.

The point to remember is that the world remains. Only the initiate's perception changes. The dazzling image always was and always will be there. That perfection, that beauty, is ever-present.

The Washing of Feet

2013-04-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

I mentioned foot washing in this post. Last night, I had the opportunity to do that for someone. Even though the idea kept scratching my brain before the Pope started doing this, I felt like it was a foreign idea. The actual washing of said feet was anti-climatic. It was a bit humbling as the person kept chatting away as if I wasn't doing anything at all but that was just a small thing. Maybe it would have been more humbling if she stopped and stared. Who knows? But you can't wash someone's feet and say you didn't want to be humbled can you? I would have no problem doing that for anyone barring some infectious illness.

The upshot was this little phrase that came to me in meditation just beforehand.

As the souls of the feet keep you in contact with the Earth, so too does your soul keep in you contact with the heavens.

The Oneness

At that same meeting, I watched to women talking. I could see them as individual forms but it looked for all the world it was one person talking to a mirror whose reflection was dressed differently. We are all G-d.

PTSD Client: Verbatim Conversation

2013-04-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

Today (My addition of date 4/1/2013)
1:36pm

Myself

how have you been?
1:51pm

Friend

Hi Robert, I have a migraine right now but took meds to get it to ease. How are you? Did you receive my note and lock of hair? I had an interesting experience this weekend. This past week was okay; anxiety was low. The prior weekend (the 23rd, Saturday), I experienced what felt like a great flow of energy through the crown of my head* and then felt incredibly peaceful and calm all day. The next day, Sunday the 24th, I experienced this same thing to a much lesser degree and for a shorter period of time. I was able to call an Aunt of mine with whom I've been out of contact with for well over a year and we had a wonderful conversation. We are now back in touch and I discovered a dream I had of her and my grandmother was, indeed, predictive of her very loving reaction.

I also had a very disturbing dream around Wed of last week which included my sister, grandmother and grandfather (both long passed away) and a beloved pet who I had to put down in 2006. I know this dream was also from my grandmother, so I meditated on that. The experience this weekend was so profound! It was as if my heart chakra opened up, but at first it felt like a great pain... sort of like a massive broken heart. You know how you can feel the pain of a broken heart? But I went with this pain and allowed myself to feel it; allowed it to flow through me. I began to realize that it wasn't really a broken heart and it wasn't my pain. This was all intuitive...

It felt like I was feeling someone else, so I reached out and searched; it felt like my sister, but as though she was hiding from me. The pain felt like great saddness mixed with love and longing. She was hiding so I visulized her and began to talk out loud to her. I finally found her face... I searched for which "version" of her was in pain and found the version... [my insert -- an old photograph]. I talked to her about that time and told her she would always be safe with me. She seemed to question me about why I was holding my cat (in the dream), as if I loved my cat more than her. She seemed upset by that, but I explained that his soul was tied to me, connected to me, as was hers, grandma's, and grandpa's and I couldn't let him get washed away in the flood, but "how about you help me look for a cat carrier to put him in... that way I can carry him and put my arm around you as well." That way I can comfort her at the same time. And I tell her she will always be safe with me. She seems to be happy with that.

I seemed to just know it was my heart chakra opening; I saw the green spinning, felt the need, knew it was her, reached out and found which part of her was at the root of her anger towards me, and attempted to help her.

I don't know if I helped her, but I felt much, much better. Headaches have been daily, but anxiety has been low if I have it at all... at least here at home. I still have anxiety about going out, though.

How are you?
1:54pm

Myself

wow that is FANTASTIC! Let me go to the mailbox and check brb

recieved!
I am checking my notes for when I worked on you...

March 13 was very late at night. I wrote that I worked to repair the fact that your body was emitting too much astral light. One march 30 a huge yellow ball of light flew from me and hit her in the chest. Her chest area glowed brilliant white.

My notes are two sketchy as I am used to blogging straight away. How do those dates figure into how you have felt? I can tell the desriptions matched.
2:01pm

Friend

March 30 is the day I felt the incredible energy in my chest and sent it towards my sister; time? Um...
Myself

Late morning or early afternoon my time (PST)
2:04pm

Friend

I keep thinking it was about late morning/early afternoon my time (MST); it lasted about 30 minutes to an hour. It may have been ... I keep thinking about 2pm, but it may have been a bit earlier than that... I wish I had noted the exact time. I may have but don't have my notes near me.
2:05pm

Myself

how have you been since these experiences?
2:06pm

Friend

Other than the migraines (which have been daily; not unusual), in a much lighter mood (happier in general), anxiety low. I haven't been able to get out in my backyard to do watering though. Or go out to do other things, but feeling better mood wise... definitely.
2:07pm

Myself

Excellent! Can I just copy and paste this conversation (minus your name) as a blog post?

oh and minus that bit about (my edit)
2:10pm

Friend

Sure; I also want to post/write, but I'm not in shape to do this yet. I'm still too tired and not quite sure how or in what order to write things.
I still have a lot to say about The Hanged Man, and my meditations on that card have helped a great deal. Dreams have been more like nightmares, BUT my grandmother has been in them which tells me she is with me again and guiding me again. My senses/gifts are slowly returning. This is a VERY good thing.
2:12pm

Myself

that is ok. We cannot expect everything at once. Attempt new things as you are able and under the advise of your professional care giver.

This is good news

As I am seeing this now, we will continue regular work as I am inspired The only problem I can see is what happens when I cannot for some reason. I am not sure how to mitigate that problem. I am giving it thought and consideration.

Then again, I only helped about once a week so far, even a little less.
2:15pm

Friend

Indeed... and your blog led me to read VI's blogs which are incredibly timely. About stories... which have been helpful with my own healing. As I watch shows, movies, read, reflect, those stories help me with my own understanding and knowledge within my own life.

I feel so much more peaceful, and though I still have a long way to go, I have come such a very long way... and I thank you SO very much for your continued help, Robert. You have no idea.

And please don't worry about when... do what you can when you can. I am a very hard worker and have done a lot of work on my own. You really are helping. I feel encouraged by these results thus far.
2:17pm

Friend

Did you do some work just now, or just a few minutes ago? I felt that crown energy again...
2:17pm

Myself

I am so glad to hear that xxxxx. Remember to keep track of the eventful days (good and bad) and I will take better notes...at least when I am not doing it at 1 AM or something. Yes that can happen . I have to run for now as I have some homework to do before class....

No but I can feel you a bit. This is not unusual with the folks I work with. Conversations tend to stimulate the healing process a bit.
2:18pm

Friend

Oh, yes... I'll take much better notes now, you bet. take care of yourself, Robert! Bye now! I hope to be on line more often. And thank you again.
2:19pm

Myself

anytime my friend. I am happy there is improvement.

* I recall doing work directly with the crown of her head but I can find no note, no time and it is like remembering a dream. I am pretty sure it was not but could have been.

Healing Fail

2013-04-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

A reader asked me for help with her daughter some time ago. I blogged about that at the time. I said dark beings descended from above to help. She reported that her daughter was indeed better.

Recently, she contacted me again and told me that they went through "a month of hell" immediately afterwards. Incredibly trusting, she asked me to try again. This time, I was much more careful and looked from a great distance. The black beings where there, waiting. I do not feel that I called them up from my healing the first time. I think they were always there. The lie in the 'bushes' and jump high and descend making them appear to come from above. My closest experience with anything similar is with the 'bats' I have seen above mental health facilities. Those can be dispelled with solar work. These may be the same but given the seem to be attacking someone's health and I don't know what I am dealing with, I demurred. I backed away. I have now referred the case to someone else that may have experience that I do not.

Lesson learned, never let anything else 'help'. Though frankly, I am not sure if I could have stopped them. I have fought off a lot of stuff on the astral. Those things were numerous and a bit out of my league. They also seem to feed on my particular healing energy. This was not a good combination.

In Order to See the All

2013-04-01T10:06:00.001-07:00

Last night, I was sitting in my chair recovering from massive back issues and minding my own business. Without preamble, a hello, or even an 'excuse me' a voice echoed in my head, "In order to see the All, you cannot be." The meaning was clear.

I was given something as part of the time ritual and am thus barred from revealing its nature. I started with that. I let myself merge with it and slowly started not owning myself. I saw the letter I fade like an image in a power point presentation. It would rebuild and then fade pixel by pixel. At some point, the pixels started fading at the base and the I fell over. Then there was the nature in question.

This wasn't as full a removal of the I as I thought but it must have been enough. I came back and laid on the couch exhausted. This reminded me much of how I felt after my first soul readings*. Within a half hour, I was up and about again. The recovery time was very short in comparison.

I moved out and sat in chair in my garage, opened the door and enjoyed a thunder storm. Soon, I was working on not being within the storm. The effect was interesting. I began to see the clouds as roiling smoke. The analogy there being the heat of evaporation. I enjoyed the movement of the forces. Suddenly, spirits of the storm began to appear. One, aware that I was not me and therefore defenseless dove to the attack. Not me was not afraid and became a king of the clouds throne and all. The spirit veered away and never again approached.

It was then that I had a vision of ego and not-ego.

When I was a beginning magician, I received a lot of ego messages, "You are great at XXXX;" "What a awesome ritual you have developed," and the like. Eventually, they become subtler and subtler appeals to the ego. The subtlest ego appeal is attitude. Anything that makes one devalue the other fellow is an ego problem. "I am not all that but he is a buffoon " The first part of that make you think you're humble. You are not.

In this case, I was presented with a future event that had the markings of ego-inflation all over it even though it would appear as an external thing. Instead of preventing it, I was told to let it happen but own no part of it. Let it slide past like the illusion that it is. I hope I remember this post when that happens.

Death Evangelism

2013-03-31T12:50:00.002-07:00

As you know, I experienced the vision of perfection. There is nothing that is not perfect. I do not believe that. I know it. I have no problem maintaining that view any more than I have trouble posting here. I think I have been angry for about five minutes since that vision. In fact, I have so released old views that I posted this on Facebook this morning:

If the symbolism of Christ's crucifixion taught us nothing else, it should be that he did not sacrifice his spirit. Neither should we. Conform not to the pettiness, anger and fear that is society. Be who you are. Be delightful. Let those who will, see.

Those that have read this space for quite a while know what a change this is for me. While I am not Christian, I have moved past my angst* as I have figured out where it came from. Then someone posted an article on Facebook about Death Evangelism. This is the practice of scanning obituaries for notices of the deaths of non-Christians and striking ever-lasting fear into the families in hopes of conversion. Using someone's grief like that is appalling.

Here is the question. How I can reconcile that with perfection? Pretty much the same way as every other horrible thing that happens in this world -- one understands the roots of the behavior. This is a lesson I have outlined here before when very long ago, I was able to have compassion for the pain my mother was in when she did what she did. That pain was her motivator.

These people feel they have a truth. As Jason Miller states, the problem in finding a truth is that sometimes we want to enforce it. Truths cannot be enforced and this is the failing of all evangelicals, even those who have their heads screwed on a little better than those referenced in the article above. Yes, it builds churches, fills collections plates and make you feel like your truth is shared but in reality all you have created is a bunch of scared people conforming to assuage their fears...and yours.

Deep down evangelicals know they are not with Christ. Christ is about compassion and love. There is none of that in acts like this. Compassion and love do not create fears in others. Evangelicals can speak of the greater love they are driving people to but the fact that they create fear reveals a deeper truth of their being. Deep down they are scared out of their minds. So too is anyone that tries to force, trick or persistently push you into their faith or into their truth. These people are usually revealed by their anger.**

Oh yes, those damnable Christians! Who are we kidding? We are they. I could offer examples from the history of this space past and even more recently but that would hide the message. Let us just say that everyone is prone to this. Everyone that finds a little truth and seeks to defend it either by marginalizing the other fellow or trumpeting their belief as the end all be all. Careful there, we are not doing that. We are just teaching people to think for themselves...as long as it is close enough to how we believe.

News flash, we are all wrong! The human mind cannot grasp the vastness that is G-d and Its creation. We each see our little bit of it. That is totally cool. The problem is that we exclude any bit that we cannot see as false, dangerous and wrong. No one is immune to this. You are not. I am not.

Yes, I think the behavior of death evangelists is wrong-headed but I cannot condemn them for pandering to the fears they do not know they have. I have watched friends, former friends, and myself do the same thing. In each example, we were afraid of a larger truth than we could process. Yet, when we realize this, the shock opens us up to a greater truth and that is why there is perfection in the unfolding. All those behaviors above and those of death evangelists are totally perfect.

In the clip below, Lon sees the perfection as love. He is totally right.

*I am not totally past it yet but I will be.
** Just challenge their beliefs or self-perceptions