Domestic Chaos

Being Naked in 2012

2012-01-23T16:24:00.001-06:00

For every day that I see or hear someone say something negative and non-constructive about fat people in 2012, I'm taking a naked picture of myself.

As I get older I spend less and less time feeling bad about myself. I'm not going to act like I have stellar self-esteem now, but I'm at a point where I can look at my body and see the great things about it. I am not shaped to the current standard of beauty, but that does not mean I am beautiful. I'm not as healthy as I could be, but that doesn't mean I am not strong.

So for every time that someone writes or says something designed to make someone feel bad about themselves, this is going to be my counter. This is going to be my, "Fuck you too, sir."

I already do this, somewhat. It's not always been a concerted effort, but sometimes I read or hear something so absolutely terrible that I think, "I am more than this person's bullshit opinion. I don't need to take that shit." But it's been unofficial.

This is official.

I don't know what I'm going to do with these pictures, but I absolutely will not hide them. I may not share them here. I'll make this decision when it becomes relevant to my goals.

This is not part of some weight loss journey. I'm not trying to show off my body as good or bad. I just want to show that it exists and it deserves better than to be reviled.

I'm not going to search for these things; I'm not going to read YouTube comments or scour Twitter, because we'd just end up with 300+ pictures of me naked and getting increasingly more depressed as I remember that the anonymity breeds assholes.

This is not about pornography. I'm not going to show off my bits and pieces here; this is about my body, not my nudity. Nudity is just a function, because my clothes are designed to hide my flaws and lines and folds.

This is about being unafraid and uncowed.

Editing, Nuance of Phrase, and Undercutting Female Characters

2012-01-16T23:59:00.000-06:00

I rarely make a hard decision about a character's gender or sexuality for a particular reason. For instance, the main character of this year's NaNoWriMo novel was a woman because she came to me first. It just as easily could have been the leader of the compound, but it would have been a very different story.

I'm working on editing DREAMING OF EDEN (still) while the Internet is down at home, and I discovered a line that I first changed, and then stopped and really looked at:

Her hips swayed in a way that commanded attention...

I changed it to the way she moved, because I wanted her to appear confident (she is) and because the character isn't supposed to be a sexual one.

To be slightly fair to myself, at this point in the zero draft was only her second introduction -- her first being an offhand mention of a sexual encounter that wasn't described and where she didn't even have a name. It wasn't until a couple chapters from this line that her personality really showed in draft zero, and I realized she was not just someone to be looked at. She was actually important to my plot.

But I wrote this during NaNoWriMo in 2010 -- I was writing off the top of my head, as it occurred to me, and the first things I point out about her are the sway of her hips, and the way she commands sexual desire. In some ways it's simply a trope of fiction to build everyone as beautiful and desirable, but it bothers me what this says about me as a woman and as a writer.

It's not a secret that I went through my teens believing that I was only worth what I could offer sexually, that because I was not beautiful I had to be promiscuous to make up for it. So I do tend to create characters who are arresting, who bring in second glances and take people's breath away by the virtue of their beauty. At some point I have to admit it's about writing wish fulfillment. Hell, the particular character isn't even thin; I was creating her as plump and gorgeous because it felt good, and because I had that power. As though I could write those feelings away by removing them from the worlds I create.

Except I'm really just perpetuating the same misguided bullshit that made me so miserable as a teenager and young adult. I'm not creating a world where people aren't judged based on their looks. Instead, I'm reaffirming the belief in the reader that this character is worth noticing because she's beautiful. I realize it's egotistical and incredibly lofty to look at my novel and think about the hypothetical readers and how I might be affecting their world-view, but it's the little things. No one ever told me that I wasn't beautiful (okay, maybe once or twice) or that I had to be sexual to gain worth -- it was the implicit things that created those ideas in me.

Despite this character having strength beyond her looks, by having my viewpoint character denote her by the way her hips sway -- and then by having him note how he's not impressed -- I've undercut her. No matter what else I have to say about her, she's forever characterized by the sway of her hips. And it's not as though she's the only character I'm policing for bullshit stereotypes (beyond the scope of their character).

Editing this novel is an exhausting exercise in looking at myself.

A Status Update is Better Than Nothing (I think)

2012-01-08T00:46:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or is it harder to update a blog the longer you let it sit? It's not for want of discussion topics that I left y'all alone out there in the big dark Internet -- I must've half-written five or six posts in the past month, and then set them aside as not enough in relation to how long I'd let the blog sit. Bad mojo all around.

So, I'm literally forcing a status update. It feels woefully inadequate, but it's something.

We had a great holiday. The holiday isn't actually quite over yet. As I write this I'm sitting in my parent's living room in Lincoln; tomorrow we get the family together to do our Christmas thing. It's nice to see my family again. It's actually not been that long since the last time -- my sister and I were here in September. But still.

I've done some writing over the holiday, but not nearly as much as I would've liked. Our computer cache has grown; I helped repair a couple of friends' computers, and in return got to collect some of their unused hardware. This includes an older Macbook actually -- still very functional, if a bit out of date. Once I get the OS updated I'll be able to talk a bit more about what I think of it, but so far I'm actually more pleased than I expected. It's a post for another day.

General winter sickness hit our home in mid-December and laid me on my ass for nearly a week, let up, then hit again. Andy's even been sick this past week. I think only Miles has escaped relatively unscathed.

Miles is officially and for-real-this-time weaned. I also intend to post about that. It's only been about a month (not even quite; I let him nurse briefly when I was feeling super-shitty in hopes of sparing him the cold) so I haven't had a chance to seriously process it, other than just be excited that it's done.

Other than that, it's been really quiet. Not boring or slow, but simply uneventful. I've had tons of thoughts, and I'm trying to get myself back into the habit of being present online.

Looking forward to 2012, y'all! :D

Info Dump!

2011-12-02T17:26:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the absence; I've been just busy out of my mind, and at some point I will tell you all about it. In the mean time, I did finish NaNoWriMo. I actually finished before Thanksgiving. I completed the novel yesterday. I wanted to get done in November, and just missed it due to apathy at the end. It's just over 65K, and I'm relieved to leave it alone for a while.

To make up for my absence, I have pictures from our farm visit today -- still on-going, I'm at the farm right now. I stole my mother-in-law's camera and took lots of pictures. My mother made the hat.

Lots of Words on Wednesday: Words!

2011-11-16T13:18:00.002-06:00

After that discussion of plot yesterday, I thought it would be fun to post word clouds for the two novels that I've finished. The first one (the trunk novel, as you may recall) was written over the course of forever, and while it wasn't my first novel-length project, it was my first original novel.

What's funny about that is the antagonist is named "Andrew Baker," when he was in fact "Anthony" in my original notes. I didn't noticed I had gotten the name wrong until I was about halfway through draft zero -- wherein I pointed out to my not-even-yet-boyfriend that I had transposed his name onto the last name of his ~~boyfriend~~ best friend. (He read this novel earlier this month actually -- he forgot his book when we went to the farm and it was on the Kindle -- and he said it was mildly disconcerting to have an evil character using his name, knowing that when I wrote this novel we were on shaky ground.)

You have, of course, heard of DREAMING OF EDEN (I love the caps; I feel like such an official liar). Of the three this is the only book that I feel is genuinely redeemable. I love this book. I love the above book too, but I feel like other people could love this book. It was the NaNoWriMo 2010 book. I'm not going to lie -- it maybe raised my hopes for this year.

~~Note: "like" does not appear to be a major word, unless I'm just missing it. Perhaps avoiding "like" is the key to not-shitty narrative when I write. :D~~ Edit: false alarm. It's to the left of "back," I just didn't see it due to the color. So, yeah. Maybe I can't blame "like" for my boring writing. :D

Then, of course, we had the current (still Untitled) NaNoWriMo novel wordle. I won't bore you with more talk, but here it is again for the sake of completion.

Worth noting: "just" is clearly a problem word for me, as is "like."

NaNoWriMo: Day 15

2011-11-16T01:39:00.023-06:00

Day 15 is a big day. We're halfway through the month, and everyone usually has an idea of where they're headed by now. The story is going strong, and even though everyone in the continental US is biting their nails as they look ahead to the frenzy that is Thanksgiving -- we're all remaining optimistic. Or entertainingly pessimistic.

I'm closing day 15 just a bit ahead of par:

50,000

26,302

A couple days ago I resigned myself to the fact that I was writing a romance novel that takes place in a sci-fi setting. It's a time travel romance, oh my god could I be more stereotypical? But there I was, working in these serious, half-intelligent setting details and letting my main character strap her awesome on -- but in the back of my mind I was always wondering, "Okay, is she going to notice that this guy totally wants her yet?"

So, once the denial passed I decided to roll with it. My MC (Vivienne, as you're about the discover) is going to be brave and awesome and work with her revolutionaries, but the romance plot is remaining more integral than intended. A part of me wonders if it got so out of hand because I chose to write from a female point of view; the last two rough drafts I wrote were from the POV of men, and only one of those novels had a romantic subplot. Though the other had this weird non-sexual bromance thing going, so. I don't know.

Maybe this was always how it was going be, so what the hell? May as well enjoy the ride.

So now it's Wordle time. The word "like" physically wounds me in this one.

Parent versus Child, Blogger Style

2011-11-14T10:31:00.001-06:00

I found myself in a conversation on Twitter a couple days ago about sleeping training. This pretty much breaks my only rule on Twitter, which is "Do not fight with people about their core parenting beliefs."¹ Thankfully, it could have gotten a lot more heated than it did and it ended pretty genially, or at least without any explosions.² It got me thinking, though.

Forgive me for generalizing, but the more I consider it, the more I suspect a lot of parenting bloggers sit down and do this every day because they consider themselves as furthering the rights of babies and children by appealing to and educating parents. That it a completely valid reason to blog. I've even made decisions I otherwise wouldn't have, based on things I've learned online. However, I wonder if the contention comes in from the fact that some of us aren't blogging for the sake of children, but for the sake of other parents.

Parenting bloggers come in more than one variety. We all have agendas. We all have goals. Unless the thesis of your blog is "All children should be ritually beaten at 9PM to prepare them for adult life," I sincerely doubt that you're wrong. I am a strong believer of grey areas, of middle ground and different strokes -- but everyone has their hill to die on.

I have issues that I consider my "child" issues. I believe all children have the right to a safe and healthy life, without wanting for any necessities or love. But I'm primarily a blogger for other parents, insofar as I'm a blogger for anyone. My issues lay with how parents are treated by society at large, how mothers are pressured and bullied into decisions, how certain issues are portrayed and passed along. And please don't think I'm implying that bloggers whose primary focus is children don't worry about those things either --- I just feel like they have a different perspective on how these issues play out and relate to parenting.

Lets look at this through the muddied filter of feeding issues. Some people view breastfeeding from a perspective of a baby's right -- all babies deserve the best start through breastfeeding -- as though breastfeeding happens in a vacuum. Some people believe that breastfeeding is at it's core anti-feminist, regardless of circumstances or personal choice. While I by no means support the false dichotomy of "formula feeders are selfish, breastfeeders are saints," those are viewpoints made from entirely different perspectives, concerning a totally different issue.

But we cannot unilaterally say that one party is more important than the other. My needs as a person are just as valuable as my son's needs as a person; when I make a decision as a parent, I need to keep both of these things in mind. Sometimes I will make decisions that are to his benefit and my detriment, because they're best for him; sometimes vice versa. I'm pretty sure that's just what parenting is.

When we have one person who believes that they're arguing for the best interest of a child, and another who feels they're arguing for the best interest of a parent -- no wonder we have these heated, awful fights that have no resolution. We're essentially teenagers fighting with our mom! Add the Internet to that mix? It's amazing that we manage to function at all.

1. I could probably just narrow this down to "Don't fight on Twitter." You may not know this about me, but I'm rather non-confrontational.
2. More than once I felt condescended to, but I couldn't tell you how much of that was real or imagined. And I'm sure more than once I was condescending, though I tried not to be.

NaNoWriMo: Day 10

2011-11-10T22:44:00.001-06:00

So last year when I was writing my novel, I felt really good about my plot. The draft still needs work, obviously -- tons and tons of work, as all drafts do. But it was still pretty good. I like it. I have a lot of faith in it as a book.

This year's book is nuts. I feel like it has some crazy mood whiplash. Today I went from the diary written by a character before she had most of her memory and skills erased from her brain, to a character being taken out on the town by her only real friend to party and drink and enjoy the future, to a date rapist who preys on tourists who don't speak the language. I have an idea of where I'm going, but I feel like I'm just making shit up as I go. I have no idea if this will ever be a redeemable, readable novel.

But at least I'm over target in word count.

50,000

17,898

There's an official word count meter on the sidebar now; it auto-updates with my NaNo profile, but I got kind of attached to this one. I mean, I made it.

There's a Better Solution Than Banning Books. It's Called "Thinking."

2011-11-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

I've never read the book Hold Still, but now I want to. Why? Because a couple parents and a church in Blue Springs, Missouri, decided that it ought to be banned from the Blue Springs School District. I admit my first reaction is simply Oh my god you're making the Midwest look bad. The kind of people that dump on the Midwest cite exactly this kind of issue -- they talk about how we're clinging to old ideals and hiding from topics that "scare" us. However, it's deeper than that. As a parent, as a writer, as a Midwesterner, everything about this pisses me off.

Given that everything I know about Hold Still is based on this article, I decided to look it up on Amazon. The bulk of the synopsis includes:

Devastating, hopeful, hopeless, playful . . . in words and illustrations, Ingrid left behind a painful farewell in her journal for Caitlin. Now Caitlin is left alone, by loss and by choice, struggling to find renewed hope in the wake of her best friend’s suicide. With the help of family and newfound friends, Caitlin will encounter first love, broaden her horizons, and start to realize that true friendship didn’t die with Ingrid. And the journal which once seemed only to chronicle Ingrid’s descent into depression, becomes the tool by which Caitlin once again reaches out to all those who loved Ingrid—and Caitlin herself.

I'm not going to sit here and wax poetic about how brave it is, or how brilliant it is -- because I haven't read it. I am going to say that exposing teens to viewpoints that aren't their own is good, and that the Young Adult genre features the word adult for a reason. It's a book written for teenagers on their way into adulthood, who are becoming adults every day and need reading material that caters to their dilemmas and lifestyles. We cannot clap our hands over our ears and eyes and pretend that a high school student isn't being affected by adult issues, because they are. It's happening even as we want to cling to their childhood, and we're not doing anyone a service by pretending.

A parent can and should know what their child is reading, but they do not have the right to say what other people's children can or cannot read. It's not the school's fault that they didn't look at the content of the reading list prior to encountering this book and come to more agreeable solution with the teacher. I don't think it's ever stated if the parents discovered this, or the daughter complained, but given that they're not parading around their daughter while she tells news outlets everywhere how traumatized she was by the word 'fuck' and how shocked she was by teenage sex -- I'm guessing she's probably not the one complaining.

When I was in elementary school I had a friend whose family was pretty strictly religious, to the point that as per her mother's request, she was excused from class when they approached topics that her mother didn't approve of her learning in school. I always thought it was really weird, but it allowed my friend to continue in school without offending her mother's values.

When I was in 7th grade I was reading dime store romance novels. My life was filled with Harlequin and Silhouette, and I could not be strayed from that course. A concerned teacher pulled my mother aside one day after noticing and pointed out that these books contained some very adult themes and concepts that she felt were inappropriate for a girl my age.

I don't even remember how I found out about this, because it wasn't by my mother summarily banning every paperback I owned. I continued to read romance novels until I got bored with them sometime in the 8th grade, and then I moved on to horror novels.

My point is -- my mother and stepfather were well aware of what I was reading. I read these books openly in the living room, at the dinner table, in the car -- wherever I was reading. They presumably made the choice for our family that it was okay for me to read those books. Another parent in the Blue Springs School District may be perfectly comfortable with their children reading Hold Still, may even be glad to see it as a talking point in the classroom. These individual parents have every right to ask the teacher or the principal to excuse their daughter from the reading assignment and let her do some alternative work -- have her research how teen suicide affects peers using a different source or something. But turning to their pastor and starting a crusade under the guise of PROTECT THE CHILDREN?

It's not their place.

Reading about something in a book is not the same as "pushing a lifestyle." The mother looks like a nice woman -- she really does. But at about a minute in she says, "Extremely inappropriate, very explicit in sexual relationships, just various topics that just should not be, you know, pushed -- in my opinion -- in a public school." (Emphasis hers in the video.) I promptly, irrationally hated her and everything she stands for.

Once I recovered from my urge to rage quit right there, I can say as calming as possible: a book written about a topic is not the same thing as pushing that lifestyle onto the readers. Can I emphasis this enough? It's not even glamourizing that lifestyle! In a piece of fiction I once posted to a group online, a character got wasted and got behind the wheel of a car -- and predictably got into an accident. (No one died, thankfully.) I was chastised by one reader for promoting such a dangerous choice as drunk driving. Other readers jumped in and said, "Dude, no. It's fiction, not a lifestyle guide."

In the course of my reading years, I've read books about serial killers, about rapists, about cheaters, about heterosexuals and homosexuals and asexuals, about polygamists, about the mentally ill, about soldiers, about teachers, about historians, about vampires -- and yet I am not a sexually-fluid serial killing rapist vampire with a mental illness who has worked as a soldier, teacher, and historian. Instead, I'm a straight woman and a mother who doesn't feel the need to read about other straight white mothers in her fiction. Holy shit! Call the presses!

What Mrs. Brown is saying there is, "This book talks about people who have different values than me, and I don't want my daughter exposed to that" and trying to say that the book is offensive because of it.

To quote cartoonist Zach Weiner, "'I'm offended' does not equal 'It's offensive'."

Teachers aren't just picking books off the shelf because they look cool. Teachers build their curriculum based around a lot of things, including school requirements and I imagine some of their own bias as to what they feel teenagers need to discuss and learn. Teachers, feel free to chime in here, but I'm decently certain that the teachers are aware of the content of the books their students are reading -- how else do they lead discussions?

Suicide is going to be a very real issue for their daughter's generation. When my sister told me her new school had an assembly because a student commit suicide back in 2005, I remember I was bewildered -- a teen commit suicide in Junction City? Surely that only happens in big places. Surely even the saddest teens (yo) are able to pick themselves up and find a reason to live.

Unfortunately, no. It's sad and it's a terrible fucking tragedy and I hate to say it, but the Brown's daughter is going to be touched by suicide at some point. A peer may do it. A friend may consider it. And I pray to God this is never ever ever ever the case, but she might even be the peer or friend in question. The act of calling it out and making it a discussion topic, instead of putting it on a high shelf and wrapping it up in taboo is a pretty smart decision on the school's part.

They've missed an opportunity for dialogue. They could have used this book as a jumping off point to talk about sex, suicide, depression, friendship, boys -- they could have used it to talk about their values regarding swearing, since that seems to be an issue for them. Hell, they could have used it as a chance to talk about shitty books. I'm by no means saying that they ought to have handed their daughter a condom and said, "Go fuckin' get 'em!" but they could have used this for education rather than attempting to shut out these issues entirely.

What do you think? Have you read the book -- is it an appalling mass of death and orgies and swearing that no teen ought to read? Should schools ban books due to parental bias? When should a parent take the issue to the school, and when should they keep it at home?

Creativity Under Pressure

2011-11-09T11:40:00.001-06:00

Andy's best friend is also a writer. Because I'm pushy and misery loves company, I tried a couple of times last month to talk him into doing NaNoWriMo and coming out to the write-ins. He's completely uninterested; it's okay, he's allowed to be wrong.1 But while talking about it the other day, he was saying (and I'm paraphrasing the exact words) that he thought writing ought to be a more organic endeavor, instead of hammered out to an abusive deadline.

I countered that I need the abuse because I feel like I have to be doing a million different things at any give time, and I always push creative writing to the bottom of my to-do list. For me, NaNoWriMo is a month to say This novel is the most important thing to me for the next 30 days. It's a beautiful reprieve from everything else going on in life.

However, he makes a good point: I assume most writers look at writing as tapping a creative part of their soul, and it should feel right. Natural. Organic. And no one is going to act as though every word written during NaNo sprang fully formed from their heart and is a perfect expression of their story. I wrote an entire section yesterday that blew big fat balls; it's awkward and forced and even as I was writing it I was saying to myself This is truly awful.

But it was written. I had barreled through that awkward and weird part of the story to move the character to something more relevant and interesting. When I edit, it'll be reworked or removed and replaced with something else -- but I don't need to worry about that right now. I was forced to get through that section of story by the threat of Write or Die2, and it's over. I added things to the story to get my character to another place, give her information she needs, and now I've got some interesting stuff to write about today.

I'm not arguing against his point or process -- for one, there is no singular process, and at no point did he say, "The way you write is stupid,"3 only that it wasn't how he writes. More important: if I wanted to argue with him, I know where he lives. I have his phone number. I could drive to his work and be like, "SELL ME STUFF WHILE I TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE WRONG." You get the idea.

What I am saying is that creativity can happen even up against the fervor of the NaNo deadline. That when you're sprinting to the word count, you can come up with things in a pinch that might not have occurred to you while ruminating gently over a cup of coffee. Characters come to life. Settings explode (sometimes literally).

I hate the expression "pressure makes diamonds" because honestly, I'm more of the opinion that pressure cracks foundations and crushes things -- but it's not like it doesn't also make diamonds, over a long time and under the right circumstances. Where NaNoWriMo might not be the right pressure for one person, it might be the diamond-maker for another.

1. He knows I'm kidding. :D Also; unlikely he's reading this. August, are you reading this? Stop reading this!
2. I was doing this sprint while Andy and August were in the living room, and as Andy was explaining the program by saying, "It deletes words if you stop typing." August responded, "Why would you use this program!?" It was pretty amusing, because I could not articulate that I simply need the abuse.
3. And believe me, he would say that.
4. I'm going to talk about parenting again some day, I promise. I've got things to say about it still. :D

NaNoWrimo: Day 7

2011-11-08T00:20:00.001-06:00

As planned, at the end of Day 7 I'm not only caught up, but not too far behind my projected goal for day 8.

50,000

12,777

I've finally got a feel for the main character, and I realized why. Yesterday I mentioned that I was finally starting to feel the story and the characters, and yet when I was writing today I still felt like this story was just treading around and not really doing anything. Then two things happened. The first was that Vivienne has spent the whole story up to this point reacting. Seriously, this is her arc so far:

Vivienne's sister calls, and Vivienne drives to see her dying aunt.

Vivienne's dying aunt makes a weird request, and Vivienne falls in a time hole as a result
Vivienne follows around the leader of this penal colony and the one guy who speaks English and reacts to their world
Vivienne starts asking questions -- this was where I started feeling her a bit.
Vivienne lets someone prod her for measurements, does some clinic work despite protests that she's not really a doctor, and makes dinner as directly when the revolutionaries finally show up -- and I lost her again.

I went to the regional forum to whine and I realized this. Thankfully, the introduction of the revolutionaries also brought the device that saves Vivienne from a life of forever doing as she's told: a device that allows Vivienne to understand other characters (though they still can't understand her), so now other characters are allowed to have a voice, instead of Vivienne talks, Avent translates, Singer talks, Avent translates.

So, that's my NaNoWrimo progress. I'm pleased with today. I spent a bit longer than I wanted to working on it, but being caught up is a great feeling.

NaNoWriMo: Day 6

2011-11-06T20:33:00.013-06:00

Day 6 of NaNoWriMo isn't over yet, but I still have a lot to do tonight, and I figure it's best to catch up now rather than later. I'm actually a little bit behind the projected word count for day 6 (10,000) but only just a couple of hundred words behind my nemesis. I should be caught up again by tomorrow, but hopefully tonight. I don't know, we'll see. Anyway, progress as of now:

50,000

7,479

As you can see, I haven't even gotten far enough to have enough colored bar to cover my word count. I'm right under 15% done, and about 16 pages in -- which is about as accurate as saying, "I'm 12 paragraphs in," but whatever. It took me until today to feel like I was finally connecting with the setting and the characters. The first 12 pages or so feel like I'm just treading water. I recognize now that it means I started the novel in the wrong spot, but that'd be chopping my stunted word count off at the feet to change it, so.

The novel doesn't have a title yet, but there is an excerpt on my profile.

This week I confirmed that the write-ins are necessary. We were out of town last week visiting family, and I got much less done in NaNo than intended, and missed the Thursday write-in.

I don't really have too much to say, other than November already feels like it's going way too fast. Still: I remain optimistic!

Also; if you're a novelist who needs to work on an existing novel rather than start a new one, Lauren of Hobo Mama set up NaNoProgMo -- it's not too late to bite the bullet and do that! :D

Adventures in Potty Training

2011-10-31T12:00:00.001-05:00

Miles fell asleep last night without a diaper -- skipped a nap, passed right out. Forever eager to get this child potty trained so that I can ship him off to the first preschool that'll take him, I figure what the hell. We'll see how this plays out. It's not the first time he's fallen asleep naked, but every time before he's wet the bed.

At around midnight he crawls into bed with Andy. This is early for the nightly journey to the parental bed, so I decide to check his bed. Dry. Very cool.

I check in at about 2AM. Everyone is still dry. When I climb into bed about an hour later, it's all still good. I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself and my decision to let the child free-ball it overnight. Actual potty training has to be coming around the bend. Hooray!

Miles wakes up angry at about 5AM. He tends to wake up grumpy, and he's demanding milk and I'm saying no, and he hits his head on the wall while thrashing in rage, all, "Boo boo! Boo boo!" After a minute he stops, takes a deep breath, and just says, "Water."

"Okay, sweetie, how about we get some water and go potty?" It's been gettin' on 12 hours since he's gone to the bathroom -- he's got to need to by now. We trek out to the kitchen, but while I'm getting his water he suddenly looks at his toes and just loses his shit, screaming about water.1

I pick him up and try to console him, and say, "Hey, Momma has to go potty -- let's go potty." While I pee he stands there and screams at me, holding his penis and crying about water. "Honey, you can go potty." He runs to the living room and proceeds to start that those huge, wracking, hard sobs. Still screaming about water. This time he'd managed to pull the middle cushion off the couch and spilled his cup of water. At this point no amount of rocking, cajoling, or comforting is calming him down. "Let's go lay down and have some milk," I say, resigned to my fate as the milk-giver once more.

No dice. I decide to go get a diaper, and he follows me, tripping over himself, and hits me while I'm putting together his diaper. I'm not sure he's taken a breath since he started freaking out. We head out into the hallway. I put the light on in the bathroom and try to say as soothingly as possible, "It's okay to go potty, darling." He slams the door and throws himself against it in some sort of bizarre baby rage that I cannot fathom. I carry him out to the couch to put a diaper on him; Andy actually comes out to help while Miles thrashes and freaks out about his diaper, his breath hitching and choked.

Finally, finally, he calms down while I sit with him on the couch. He freaks out again when I carry him to bed, but chills once he starts to nurse. We all fall back asleep.

Lesson learned: The sensation of having to pee in the morning turns my child into some sort of bizarre baby hulk.

No, I do not like him when he's angry.

1. This is a thing lately, and I hate it. If his food is messy, falls off his fork/spoon/fingers, makes his fingers dirty, dribbles down the front of his shirt, or levels him some imaginary slight -- I like to imagine his macaroni and cheese calls him names -- he absolutely freaks out. Everything is a boo boo, and it's very emotionally taxing. I try to keep it in perspective, though; at least it's emotionally taxing for both of us.

NaNoWriMo Prep Post #3: Stay Motivated

2011-10-31T00:48:00.001-05:00

This is it. Come midnight, it's time to get started. Maybe you're getting ready at a party (I am) or maybe you're going it alone at home. Either way, you can feel the tingling in your fingertips, the nervous mixture of This is going to be awesome and Holy shit am I really doing this?

This is the hardest part. Getting excited for NaNoWriMo is easy. Setting up your profile, glancing around your regional forums, plotting out your novel, meeting your fellow Wrimos -- this is the fun part. Even those first few days of intense novelling are exciting. Then life kicks back in. The word count starts getting away from you. This novel sucks anyway. Why am I doing this to myself?

Trust me. I know all about quitting. I did NaNoWriMo for five of the past six years and 2010 was my first win. The farthest I got before that was a little over 25K in 2006. In 2009 I didn't back up my novel and lost it all at 10K. Back up your novel. Based on my many failures and my one success, this is my insight into what made a difference.

Get Thee to a Regional Meeting

This was by and far the thing that helped me finish last year. I nearly didn't go. When I lived in Manhattan there wasn't ever really an ML or an organized set of meetings, at least not that I ever noticed, and I was surprised to discover that the Lawrence region does. (They're actually extremely well organized and very active. Score!)

I almost didn't go. I am the shyest extrovert I know -- the idea of going out and meeting new people fills me with a general and horrible panic. But Andy forced me out. It took me the better part of six months in the writer's group after NaNo before I felt really comfortable and not weird around my fellow writers, but I've always enjoyed their company and the camaraderie. We were strangers in the same boat. We were all exhausted and haggard and felt crazy for what we were doing. But we did it. And it was great.

I understand that I come from the privileged vantage point of living near the downtown area in a not terribly large city -- I could walk downtown if I didn't have a car, which I do. If you can't make it to the physical write-ins, find a friend or two online. Visit the forums. Start a chat room. Find someone, somewhere to be mutually accountable with.

Word Sprints & Word Wars

This is sort of corollary to the above. If you're alone, do word sprints -- set a timer and write. Just write. I know last year there were official sprints being managed by the @NaNoWordSprints account on Twitter, and they're continuing that this year.

If you're got two or more people, it becomes a word war -- see who can do the most in the allotted time. The #NaNoWriMo tag on Twitter is usually a fun place to see people setting up impromptu word wars (and support, of course).

What it comes down to is that competition is a damned fine motivator. I used Sam (@sammisan) last year to motivate myself. She's always been a more prolific writer -- she doesn't need my help to get to 50K and beyond. That said, we indulged each other with some of the smackiest of the smack talk (click to read the dirty mean parts):

This is where Write or Die was my savior. Sam and I did word wars in Write or Die, but I also found it better for word sprints. I really enjoyed Focus Booster as well, but it's... I need to be threatened. While I didn't beat Sam last year, it was close a couple times.

This year the local group is setting up nemeses -- optional for those of us who wanted them, and I did. I have a nemesis. It's a secret. It doesn't have to be, but I kind of like it. We drew them at random, so I have no idea who has me either.

Set Goals

Have goals. Say you're going to write for half an hour. Say you're going to write 1,667 words (or more) each night. Say you're always going to write from 8AM to 9AM. Say by the end of the week you're going to his 10K.

Say something. Say anything. (IN YOUR EYES.)

I tend to go into things with an attitude of, "Oh, it'll happen how it'll happen. Things will work out. I'll write when I can." No. That doesn't work for anything, and it doesn't work for the holy shit effort that is NaNoWriMo. It doesn't have to be a huge effort, it doesn't have to be extraordinary, but you have to do it.

There's really not much to say beyond that, at least not that I can think of. I'm sure there's millions more ways to stay motivated. Promise yourself something shiny at the end of the month, or tell yourself that you don't get that cup of coffee until you've written 100 words (sob) or whatever else helps keep you going. Have a friend or a significant other who won't let you quit on the 16th.

Don't get discouraged, and keep writing. Even if you're not going to make the 50K and you know it, keep going. NaNoWriMo is about a word count, sure, but it's more about writing a book. It's about telling your story, any story, and realizing the simple joy and excitement of the process.

Keep writing, wrimos. We're in this together next month.

Amended Opinion: yWriter

2011-10-29T03:11:00.001-05:00

In my post on Thursday regarding software and applications for writing, you may recall I mentioned not being able to get into yWriter as a plotting software. Well, in a fit of curiosity after seeing my sister's thoughts on the software, I decided to give it another go. I needed to plot out my novel, and Yarny was down for a move.

I change my mind. I understand why I didn't like it when I had a rough draft and was trying to go back and plug it all in. How horrendously overwhelming. However, now that I'm starting out by adding characters and concepts and all that before novel writing starts? I'm in love.

I like having somewhere to put together the characters, and I like that my character and setting notes aren't adding to the word counter. I did some writing in it for my big bang project, and while the interface for writing isn't my favorite, it's rich text and there appears to be an option for opening scenes in your rich text editor.

I'm definitely switching from Yarny over to yWriter. It's not as fluid or good looking, but there's so many things I can do. I can note character motivations. I can set deadlines. I can mark scenes as plot or sub-plot (among other things). I can add characters to a scene, or have yWriter add characters automatically. It's huge, but I don't have to use any of it. And better, I keep discovering new features when I can't possibly imagine any more.

Just wanted to drop in and amend my point.

NaNoWriMo Prep Post #2: All About Writing Software

2011-10-27T02:27:00.001-05:00

This is the second in three posts I intend to write to get myself -- and you, hopefully! -- pumped for NaNoWriMo.

I love trying new software. I can never seem to quite decide on one way to write a story. Last year I wrote 90% of my novel using JDarkRoom, a Java-based plain text editor. Before that I was doing all my writing in OpenOffice (and Microsoft Word, many eons ago). Nowadays I use a combination of programs, scattered across different files, and typically backed up in GDocs and Dropbox. (n case you haven't been told enough yet: back up your novel every day.)

I think it's probably a good thing to experiment, in that switching the environment helps keep writing fresh. At the same time, knowing your way backwards and forwards through a program is also a great benefit; many hours have been wasted trying to get the feel for a new program. (Though ideally, isn't the best program the most intuitive one?)

So here's a great big info dump about word processing software and what has worked (or didn't work) for me in the past.

Word Processing Software

I think when it comes to word processing software, there's two big names that everyone seems to know: Microsoft (Word) and OpenOffice (Writer). Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've owned a copy of Microsoft Word -- but my sister had it pretty recently! So here's Sam (@sammisan), who is stupid prolific and beats my ass in NaNo every single year, with her perspective on Word versus Writer:

OpenOffice, I find, isn't that much different from the version of Microsoft Office I used for years (XP, I believe, but it might've been 2003). The interface runs the same between the two, and OpenOffice has all of Word's basic functions. I also had some time on Microsoft 2007, which is what I used for NaNo 2008. Word 2007 had wordcount on the bottom of the screen, meaning I never had to press buttons to know just how well I was doing. I miss that. The ribbon interface took some getting used to, but it works. Besides that, though, the two programs basically run the same.

The biggest flaw of OpenOffice over Word is the wordcount. From what I understand, the default quotations marks used by OpenOffice each count as a word. It inflates the wordcount, which screws up validation on the NaNo website. Word does not have this problem.

On OpenOffice, this can be fixed by going to Autocorrect > Localized Options. Uncheck the "replace" checkbox under double quotes. I attached a screenshot showing where it is.

Even after that's fixed, the only way to check word count is to drop down to Tools > Word Count. On my older version of Word, I had a word count bar on my toolbar, and all I had to do was click a button.

The other big flaw is it takes time to adjust from Word to OpenOffice. Some of the option names are changed, and the menus are different. For instance, I had trouble trying to figure out what option in Autocorrect turned --- into full lines. After a long time with Word, it takes adjustment, and it can get frustrating.

If you don't have the money for Microsoft Word, OpenOffice is a great solution. If you can afford Word, it boils down to personal preference. Even if I suddenly had the money to use Word, I most likely wouldn't switch.

Okay, that's enough of being outshone by the smarter sister. I used OpenOffice pretty exclusively for a couple of years, especially when we switched to Linux because it came installed with Ubuntu. I liked it. The only thing I missed from Word was the automatic tabbing -- oh! It was 2005 when I last used Word, and I switched because the automatic indent broke and I couldn't fix it. I've sinced gotten over it.

Now I use LibreOffice because -- you guessed it, it came installed with the Ubuntu upgrade six months back or so. I don't find LibreOffice to be that different from OpenOffice, which is probably because LibreOffice was (as I understand it) built by the original developers of OpenOffice, who branched out after OpenOffice was bought by Oracle. (If I'm mistaken, feel free to correct me in the comments.) There's ideology behind it, but the interface and general function doesn't appear any different to me.

However, I stick with it for two reasons. One: it seems to run better on my netbook. Two: I like the name better.

I would, of course, be remiss if I didn't mention Google Docs. GDocs is an interesting thing. I use it for my work all the time, but I rarely ever use it for fiction. Part of this is because I found it sluggish when the word count got too high. But I tend to use it for fanfiction when I find the occasion, and I like to back up on it occasionally. It does everything a basic word processor does, and it has the added benefit of being in a cloud.

Plain Text

I spent a good portion of 2010 doing all my writing in plain text editors -- JDarkRoom to be precise. The full screen, no frills interface does the job really well for me. I liked being able to change my background and text colors when I needed a change of pace. But there was one thing I hadn't counted on: no spell check. I generally consider myself a decent speller, but I've never been the best typist. When I loaded DREAMING OF EDEN into OpenOffice last year, the number of red squiggly lines and stupid typos was appalling and remains really overwhelming.

Still, I can't ignore that it was more productive. I think this year I'm going to use WriteSpace for Chrome, which is pretty much JDarkRoom if JDarkRoom was a browser app. It doesn't let you save, though; it just autosaves. That makes me leery. But WriteSpace bridges that gap between needing a blank space (F11, baby) and needing a spell check. That said, it's in a browser. That's got distraction written all over it.

JDarkRoom and WriteSpace both support custom color setups. WriteSpace has a status bar that displays your word count, which you can remove in the options; JDarkRoom has a command (that I don't remember) for displaying the word count. They really come from the same place.

That said, my NaNoWriMo savior was Write or Die. It goes under plain text because it's designed not to help you write a better or more coherent novel, but to shut you up and get you writing under pain of punishment. The web interface is good -- I recommend it. I actually liked it so much that it's the only software I've purchased in the last five years. The software allows you to connect with other owners and have word wars right there, with status bars and everything. Sam and I did that. She may always beat me to 50K, but I smoked her in all the word wars. (We're going to come back to Write or Die tomorrow.)

One of the members of the local writer's group, Rachel, recently recommended Ommwriter on the group's Facebook wall. I gather it's like Write or Die's zen hippie cousin (I just wrote anthropomorphized software fanfiction in my head, oh my god), but as it's strictly Windows or Mac, I can't tell you. If I had been thinking, I would have made Sam try it out and report back. Damn.

Plotting Software

It seems like the past couple of years plotting software has gotten pretty popular, so it can't be left out. Unfortunately, I can't tell you much about it. I've heard nothing but absolute praise about Scrivener from everyone -- the Internet, the writer's group, strangers on the street (lie)... I can't even hide behind Linux on this one -- there is actually a Linux beta for Scrivener, but it just never resonated with me. It might be because I was trying to plug in an entire draft, instead of starting fresh.

An alternative I was given at the time was yWriter, which one of my smart writer friends (@wanderingscribe) mentioned liking better. (I think? Oh god, I hope I'm not misremembering and she liked Scrivener better.) I got it installed, and hit the same block I did when I tried Scivener. However! Sammi is back for this one, because she saw this in my outline and said, "Hey! I know that program!"

Basically yWriter is less a straight word processor and more a novel tracking device. It has options to keep track of characters, locations, and items. Each project consists of chapters broken off into scenes. You can attach notes to pretty much anything. When it's all done, there are options to export into several file formats. If someone's looking to keep all their writing stuff together at once, it'd be a godsend. I attached a screenshot of it. (Ignore the awful writing, it's an old piece of work I haven't edited yet.)

The interface is taking me awhile to get used to, but I do plan on testing it out over NaNo to keep track of settings and character bios. I'm still doing my typing on OpenOffice, though, as the actual writing interface doesn't appeal to me. I also do a lot of re-reading, and I prefer having a whole screen as opposed to a smaller text box.

However, I will not be outdone! I was cruising the NaNoWriMo site and saw reference to Yarny, and I've actually been enjoying that. It's in beta, so it's got little bugs (no ctrl + arrow keys function), but it's a web app. I'm a fan of web apps; as a Linux user, I like something that's the same for every user.

Truth be told, I've been using Yarny more to keep track of characters and events in the Superwho Big Bang fic I'm going to write after NaNo so far -- and it's perfect for that. The writing interface is just a little awkward for me -- not bad, just not something I can see doing for all my writing. I think if I didn't have such a damned small resolution, I would feel like there was more space to work with.

In conclusion? There are probably dozens more amazing programs for writing and plotting your novel. Off the top of my head I know there's AbiWord and WordPerfect, and I know at least two people who use the AlphaSmart/NEO. Sam tells me that the tech portion of the NaNo forums quickly turns into "TRY ALL THE PROGRAMS," so don't feel locked into one program. Find something that fits, that feels good. It doesn't matter if that means sticking with old faithful or finding something that punches you in the sack when you think about opening your browser, so long as you're making the word count.

Liebster Blog Award: 5+1 Awesome Blogs

2011-10-24T23:30:00.002-05:00

My mother (from her blog A Work in Progress, which is one of her couple different blogs) was kind enough to pass this blog award thing -- the Liebster Award) on to me. While I tend not to do this kind of stuff -- I'm so socially awkward that this, right now, feels awkward, ahahahaha -- far be it for me to break up the fun.

Upon reciept of the Liebster Award, there are a few very simple rules:

Copy and paste the award on your blog.
Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

So, according to one of the posts the idea is to hit bloggers with under 200 followers -- I have no idea what some of these bloggers have for followers, but they're all super interesting blogs. Also: picking five was hard.

1. Only Human
Alex is a friend of ours from our last hometown. I love her vignette, slice-of-life blogging style. She's fascinating. She's in her final year of college with a super ambitious degree, she does photography, she loves music. Alex rules.

2. Baking Someone Else's Baby
Baking Someone Else's Baby is a really interesting blog from the perspective of a married mother of two who is getting ready to enter her second gestational surrogacy for two gentlemen building their family. I don't know a ton about surrogacy, and it's interesting to see into the mind of someone undergoing the process.

3. The Hobby-Go-Round
This is another friend of ours from out-of-town. Amanda is a little bit of everything: she writes, she games, she reads, she knits, and she's an all-around bad ass. :D Her blog has a lot of interesting insights, and it's fun to read when she updates. (Hi, guilt trip! XD)

4. Fearless Formula Feeder
I've sung the praises of Fearless Formula Feeder before, but I really want to highlight that it's a good resource for mothers. I'm not going to lie -- it's hard sometimes to read the entries. As someone who would love to see more people interesting in and trying breastfeeding, I occasionally interpret the attitude is Breastfeeding is useless. It forces me to face my assumptions and biases and toss them out. I don't agree with every single post, but the perspective matters.

5. Could the World Be About to Turn?
Angela is such a fascinating mixture of viewpoints and ideology. I know her from the local writer's group, and it's always fascinating to sit down and have a discussion with her -- and that carries over into her blog. She describes herself as an anarchotheist, which I'm willing to bet is new to you too.

Bonus: Treasures Made from Yarn
Since I got the thing from my mom, I'd love to mention her main blog -- where she shares images and patterns and what-not. Having absolutely no dexterity or skill with craft, I can't relate, but people seem to love her patterns. Andy has two pairs of her socks and he is in love.

NaNoWriMo Prep Post #1: Keeping Track of the Plot

2011-10-24T11:08:00.001-05:00

This is the first in three posts I intend to write to get myself -- and you, hopefully! -- pumped for NaNoWriMo.

You may (or may not) be aware that November is National Novel Writing Month -- NaNowriMo, or just NaNo when you're getting super lazy or trying to speak as quickly as possible so you have more time for writing. The goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel in the month of November. You don't have to finish the novel, but you need to hit that 50,000 mark. You hit 50,000, you win -- it's that simple! If you skim the Internet you'll find a lot of mixed opinion about NaNo, and you'll also come across the phase "plotter or pantser." To sum it up: do you need plot your novel, or can you fly by the seat of your pants?

I suspect most people are a combination of the two. I know I need a semi-solid plot mixed with the frenzy and self-hatred that NaNo inspires.1 That combined with an awesome local writing group and a prompt from a dare box halfway through the novel lead me to finish DREAMING OF EDEN last year. I'm not going to talk about plotting so much, though; if you write you've probably already got a system. But I am going to say this:

Pick a method for keeping track of your novel. NaNo moves fast. The whole point is to write unabashedly, to prove that you can. And you're going to fuck up your plot at some point. You're going to be rereading it and realize you threw in a plot hole so large that the TARDIS could not get your characters out of it. And then you're going to fix it. Rock on, you!

In the beginning of my story last year I kept referring to Eric as Ben. I did this so many times that I eventually created a separate character named Benjamin, just because I had typed the name so many times that I couldn't quite bear to part with him. I used three different names to refer to BioTech Labs throughout the story, to the point that even now I'm not entirely certain that BioTech is the name I settled on.3 At one point I introduced an entire sect of society, only to forget about them and reuse their title for a different social class. That Andy got through the first draft this novel at all is a miracle.

When I sat down to edit DREAMING OF EDEN in March, I discovered that in the first chapter I had introduced a bunch of elements that never came up again. Depending on your feelings regarding Chekov and guns you might not think it a big deal, but these were some huge oversights. When I folded them back into the plot, the story got better. That's probably an important part of the editing process, but there where just so many. I have an entire note dedicated to "Unanswered DoE Questions."

Still, about halfway through the month I started keeping track of my notes using TomBoy, which is Ubuntu's built-in note system2. It links things Wiki-style, so I have this whole digital notebook and a masterpost; the whole thing is a bit out of control, to be honest, and probably an example of what over-plotting looks like. (Also, um, spoilers in the image? If you can read it, anyway.)

I listen to the Writing Excuses podcast on a pretty regular basis, and sometime during the summer I listened to their episode about having a story bible. One of the gentlemen (and I forget which one) recommends WikidPad, which sounds fairly similar to TomBoy in application -- at least last time I bothered to look. (On Wednesday, you're going to hear all about my problem with writing tools and software. Oh god, are you ever.)

It doesn't have to be software. It can be a notebook, or a wall full of post-it notes, or a Tumblr blog full of snippets -- whatever helps you remember who the hell your main character's brother is and the name of his employer when it's 10PM and you're on your third cup of coffee.

1. Seriously: the amount of sleep I don't get during NaNo is actually a little sick. While 1,667 words per day seems easy principle, somehow it always gets away from me.
2. And apparently it's Windows and OS X friendly! I'm not going to lie; I'm as surprised when Linux tools go cross-platform as I am when Windows tools do. I absolutely shit bricks is OS X decides to play nice with anyone else.
3. The company flopped between "BioTech" and "BioLabs," and once in a while I'd use "BioMods."

Storytelling, Happy Endings, and Star Wars

2011-10-20T14:32:00.000-05:00

Return of the Jedi,
1 hour 28 minutes in.

This cannot possibly warrant a spoiler warning, but we're going to talk about the end of Return of the Jedi. If you haven't bothered to see Return of the Jedi at some point in the past 28 years, I'm going to assume you don't care to.

I'm re-watching Star Wars, partially because I'm trying to capture the child's interest¹ and partially because it's just awesome. I got into Star Wars as a child, and while I'm not so hardcore a fan as others -- I do love 'em.²

Today we have Return of the Jedi on, and there's a moment that never caught my attention before. About an hour and twenty-eight minutes into the movie, Luke says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Soon I'll be dead, and you along with me." Then I thought about this. How does the story change is Luke dies?

Darth Vader renounced the dark side by killing the Emperor and saving his son -- and dying in the process, because who was going to forgive him if he lived? (Can we say Nuremberg, anyone?) Luke lives and goes on to bring back the Jedi order. Balance is brought to the Force (except not, but whatever) and the heroes get to settle down and have relatively normal lives.

It's not a bad ending -- don't we want to see the heroes win? But lets let's take it -- let's kill Luke a couple times.

Death the First:

Darth Vader takes just a moment too long to stop the Emperor from frying Luke like a tasty morsel, and while the Emperor is dead, so is Luke. It makes his words prophetic, and Vader dies in the explosion of the Death Star a changed man, but too late.

Death the Second:

Vader just doesn't stop the Emperor from killing Luke. Total bummer. However, the Emperor and Vader are still dead men, because while they were busy fucking with Luke, the Rebels still get the shield down and they explode while congratulating
themselves for a job well done.

Death the Third:

Luke is saved as scripted, but holds through when he says that he won't leave Vader for dead -- and Luke dies with his father's corpse. (If you happen to be a Supernatural fan, think the death of Ellen & Jo.)

Death the Second sucks. I love seeing a main character bite it now and then, but Star Wars is as much as story about the redemption of Vader as it is a rebellion story. Moreso, if you consider the flow of the story from Episode I instead of Episode IV -- its a story about Darth Vader, told through other character's eyes come later in the story. It's why the whole final scene works -- the rebel story is peripheral to Vader and the family of characters in his life. If Vader isn't redeemed, the ending is largely unsatisfying -- or at least as I interpret it.

If Luke were going to die, I'd lean toward Death the First. It satisfies the need to see Vader redeemed as a father and a character, and ramps the angst up to an 11. And I'm in love with the symmetry of death and loss. First Anakin loses his wife, which fuels his transformation into Darth Vader; then Darth Vader fails to save his son, the act that brought him back to being Anakin.

Imagine it: redeemed, Darth Vader dies with his son. The Rebels win at a terrible cost; the Rebellion loses a fighter, Han loses a dear friend, Leia never gets the chance to really know Luke as her brother. The Force becomes balanced, because the Force is no more -- the last of the Jedi bloodline is in Leia, who has no training and is about to dilute that blood further. Order is restored to the universe.

Were Luke the only child of Vader, or if this were the story of Luke Skywalker, this would work. But in order for Vader to be wholly redeemed, he has to be redeemed to both his children. He did Leia a terrible wrong in being complicit in destroying her home and killing her father in a New Hope. If Vader is only redeemed to Luke in a death that no one knows about, it doesn't count.

And really: downer ending. We the movie-goer don't want to see the hero die; we don't want to be reminded that sometimes there really is no hope. We want to see Luke take his father's body to be honored in death, want him to tell his sister that in the end, their father saved his life. We like knowing that when Leia has a son in a decade or so, she's going to honor her father in naming him Anakin, even though she never saw this man as anything other than a tyrant and a murderer.

I'm not bagging on the ending as it stands -- I like it. Anakin goes to Jedi heaven, Han and Leia get married, Luke and Leia get to be a family, and the Light Side wins. It's a solid ending. It's satisfying. But it's interesting to consider how the story changes if you fiddle with that one detail.

1. He's obsessed with the moon, so I figured it can't hurt. And I cannot physically handle another round of Shaun the Sheep.

2. I even like the prequel movies. Maybe Lucas just caught me at the right age, but they came out when I was a teenager. My mother used to talk about seeing the originals in theaters, and it felt like an opportunity to get involved in something similar. Even if it wasn't quite, not really.

Wordless Wednesday: Paint, Momma!

2011-10-19T10:34:00.002-05:00

(I know I've been scarce lately, but coming soon: NaNoWriMo prep posts! Toddlers and food! Coffee!)

Intermission: Working At Home

2011-10-15T19:25:00.001-05:00

It seems like Miles has a knack of needing the utmost in attention at around the same time when I'm trying to do as much work as I can human cram into the time I'm awake. (Okay, maybe not the most; I did take a break to watch the most recent episode of Supernatural and read a short story this afternoon.)

I recognize the logic: I'm married to my computer for the next two weeks, and after a couple days Miles gets tired of playing second fiddle to Maya. Wandering around the house bores him -- I cannot seem to get him interested in his toys unless I've cleaned his room, in which case he can take ten minutes to destroy it before getting bored again. So he gets into things he knows will garner a response.

Sit down, open my tab. Write four words, stand up to shoo him out of the kitchen.

Sit down, another two lines -- then into the bathroom to find him gleefully smearing eyeshadow on his cheeks -- "Paint, momma!"

Sit down, stand up when Miles asks for milk. Miles rejects milk, walks around the kitchen crying. Sooth child, find him something he'll eat or drink.

Sit down. Start blogging about how I'm getting frustrated. Stop blogging because he's in the bathroom sink. Again.

About Weight, Protagonists, and Doing it Right

2011-10-13T15:40:00.000-05:00

Confession: I recently read a romance novel. I mean, that's all it was -- I've read tons of books that had a romance subplot, but this was just flat out romance novel. I blame Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. We're going to come back to that post in a minute.

I picked up A Whole Lot of Love by Justine Davis because it featured a plus-sized leading woman -- and Sarah there of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books made it sound like the author's treatment of the female lead's (Layla's) weight was classy. Plus: it's $4. Whatever; I'll take a risk for $4.

It was a classy book. A Whole Lot of Love is a relatively short book at 192 pages and a quick read, but it's engaging. I think I read it over the course of a couple days before bed and in the bath, and it was fun. At no point does the male lead (Ethan) ever treat her as less than sexy -- once he mentally takes her out of the friend zone, which I thought was a nice touch.

It had flaws. I thought the best friends on both sides were a bit... not flat, necessarily, but a bit heavy (ahaha) on the stereotypes of best friends. I don't know that I liked having to be reminded several times that Layla was extremely fit and healthy, as if we as readers have to know that to excuse her size. But maybe we do -- I'm sure there are readers out there who have no interest in a fat lead character.

Suddenly, I want more fat heroines. I want a genre full of Layla's -- healthy, heavy women who rock on without needing to wallow in their weight, while still being somewhat fragile about how they've been treated by the world at large. (Oh god, I'm not doing this on purpose...)

This leads up to a couple days ago, when Amazon's 99 cent e-book was Slim to None by Jenny Gardiner. I sort of raised an eyebrow at the title, but it's not like A Whole Lot of Love was much better. The premise sounded kind of funny and light -- the female lead (Abbie) reviews restaurants for a newspaper, but gets fired when her weight gain has made her too recognizable to do her job well. She loves food. I love food. So I decided to read a sample to see what the writing is like.

Welcome to everything I do not want in a fat heroine. The writing was fun, sort of light and snappy and kept me reading through a bit of uneasiness as Abbie opens the book discussing her weight gain and relationship with Spanx. There's a subtle jab to her weight here and there -- and we're told she's at least a size 22, so now I have a frame of reference: myself. With that, I get to this gem of a line that sets my teeth on edge:

Oh, jeeze, the thought of me getting pregnant at this weight is one I simply can't contemplate.

At this point I'm leery. Hold on, Ashley, I tell myself; maybe she's going to come to her senses and realize her life does not revolve around how she used to look. I'm still enjoying the writing style -- I'm just not looking so favorably at the storyteller.

It just starts to get worse. Abbie "plods" up the steps to her home, and is promptly winded. Okay, sure -- I know how that goes. I'm finally disgusted enough to close the sample here:

My Harvey Nichols pumps -- optimistically purchased when I could lay claim to that size-ten physique -- click with groaning desperation across my polished hardwoods.

Then she relaxes on her couch, which "gasps like a dying man beneath my girth."

That is how you alienate a fat reader, ladies and gentlemen. I closed the sample and grumped around Twitter for 2 minutes about how I swear chick-lit writers have never met a person over size 20. For all I know, Abbie comes to peace with her size and stops throwing out self-loathing insults about her weight. But who the hell knows -- I certainly never will, not with the sample full of that kind of nonsense.

Back to the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books link, I re-read it and realized exactly why I hated Abbie and loved Layla. I had an approximate size for Abbie, and it was mine. I range in the size 22 to 24, so I had a mental visual for the body she was being so nasty about. Also: Slim to None was a first-person narrative, and A Whole Lot of Love was third-person... omniscient.^?

I can even almost forgive the self-loathing -- believe me, I have enough self-loathing for two fat female leads, so I don't necessarily hate the character for having it. I can even sympathize with Abbie, who presumably was a svelte adult woman at one point and now must come to peace with her expanded size. But the narrative from Abbie's point-of-view felt like Jenny Gardiner was saying, "I think this size 22 woman is a bit grotesque," whereas I felt mostly removed from Justine Davis' views on fat women.

That may not even be an accurate depiction of either author's feelings -- maybe Gardiner loves her some fat women, and Davis would send them all to fat camp is she could. In truth, I imagine they're both probably pretty live-and-let-live about it -- they both wrote fat lead women, after all.

So, in recap: I think fat heroines can be done right, but I get the feeling a lot of them are being done so, so wrong. Thoughts, readers at large? Any fat lead characters (male or female) that you loved or hated?

? I admit I lose track of the different narrative types. Truly, I fail when I have to discuss the language.

Pretty Girls Don't Eat

2011-10-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

I hate when I get on any social networking website and see something that reminds me of the negative self-image shoved down my throat in high school by (occasionally well-meaning) people. This came up on my feed last night:

It's probably supposed to be tongue-in-cheek -- yeah, super funny, right? If it is a joke, it feels like the kind of joke made while jabbing someone in the ribs with their elbow, and totally unaware of how unfunny it really is.

This got me thinking about the time I was told by a friend's father before a dance, "I know girls like to fill up before a dance so boys don't see them eating." I was shocked. At no point in the previous eight years of school had it even occurred to me that eating at a dance might somehow be considered unattractive.

Or upon offering to take my share of a dessert made in home ec class last, having a teammate snarl¹, "Right, so you can pig out on what's left." I remember being so careful to take a (pre-cut) piece that was completely average, trying so hard not to look like I enjoyed it because I could not win. In a roomful of people eating the very same thing, being the biggest girl in the room made it bad when I did it.

I'm reminded that someone taught me to be ashamed of my appetite, that at some point people had to tell me that somehow the very act of eating was considered some sort of stigma. And not just for me, not just for fat girls -- but for all girls. How is it that a guy eating a burger and fries is just a guy, and a girl eating that same thing should be considering that it goes right to her ass?

I have no idea what "Eating for Beauty" is supposed to entail as a badge; on the badge sets page, it's listed for a Cadette² set:

It's your World - Change it! (Amaze): Public Speaker, Eating for Beauty, Digital Movie Maker, Screenwriter, Science of Happiness

I can't quite grasp what they're going for here. It's not as though this set is full of "ugly" girl skills, and the rest are things like, "Doing dishes" or "Martini Shaking 101." I'm willing to believe that it's intended as a positive thing, but lacking in context. Shit, it's probably stuff like, "Foods that help keep your skin clear/hair shiny."

Except, of course, that pretty girls don't enjoy food. Because apparently eating can't be beautiful.

1. Seriously, I remember the sheer venom in this boy's voice to this day. He's a grown man now (I hope) and he probably has no idea how much that comment hurt. I think he chilled the fuck out at some point during high school, but he was a pretty constant offender on the list of bullies I remember.

2. Cadette? I admit that I sort of fell in and out of Girl Scouts a lot (probably coinciding with the times my parents could afford it), but I don't even remember this tier.

More Offbeat Than Thou

2011-10-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that we get mixed messages here in the US; we're encouraged to explore our individuality and creativity, but only as it's defined by the social norms of "creative" and "individual." People want artists to fit to their expectations of artists -- maybe a little bit broody and eccentric, but not too eccentric. We don't want to make people uncomfortable, after all.

There's an interesting thing that happens to offbeat trends. Take baby clothes. Skulls on onesie at one point horrified grandmothers all over the country -- why on earth would dress a baby in jolly rogers? But more parents began to reject the norms of baby clothing, and now I can get skulls on pretty much anything. Sears. WalMart.

Offbeat becomes mainstream. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it's probably an important step to reaching a society where people stop focusing so hard on appearances. But then it happens that to remain offbeat -- an identifier many people take pride in, myself included -- there are people who have to take it farther, and must turn their nose up on the "mainstream." I understand the anarchy in the concept -- that we should never just accept the mainstream without examining if it's what we want -- but at some point it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Last week there was a guest post on Offbeat Mama, titled Are We Protecting Our Kids from the Right Things? I think the author raises some brilliant points about our fears as parents and the things we reject out of ignorance or misunderstanding. Like a lot of people my age, my musical and fashion tastes as a teenager made my parents raise some eyebrows. In most cases they were accepting, if wary; in some cases (see right) it made them uncomfortable. I remember my stepdad being worried that I was making myself vulnerable by standing out and looking like a whore (not his words, but it was the tone). A decade later I get it -- I used to walk around unattended with a group of girls, on and off a military base where GIs are occasionally known to make bad decisions. I was oblivious to this danger -- my poor father never was.

So I think it's a great discussion to have, and excepting one line, I've got no complaints about the piece. But I wonder if it leads to this attitude where offbeat is more valuable than mainstream or conformity. I'm not disagreeing that teaching a person to suppress their individuality is bad, but there seems to be this idea that no one would ever conform to the mainstream if not encouraged by their parents. In one comment, a person bemoans their old roommates for being so bland; they decry that the roommates favorite color was blue, favorite music was pop, et cetera. Why is that less valid a choice?

Andy and I want Miles to be whoever he is going to be -- and we have no way of knowing what that's going to be. He might end up nerdy like his parents; he might end up artistic like his grandmothers; he might end up an athletic like his grandfathers.

Clearly I'd be more comfortable with a bookish artistic child; I've been there. At the same time, allowing Miles to be a unique individual in whatever way he chooses is my ultimate goal . If that means he plays football, loves the color blue, and listens to whatever the generic rock of his generation is -- so be it.

The assumption seems to be that if you're listening to a certain kind of music, dressing a certain way, and even living a certain way means that you didn't think about it -- and I think that's giving people way too little credit. Being mainstream doesn't mean that a person isn't unique. A person shouldn't be made to feel that because they are into whatever the mainstream happens to be, that they are a mindless sheep.

Am I totally off the mark here?

Wordless Wednesday: I Make My Child Do My Dirty Work

2011-10-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

Following instructions by Kim over at Dirty Diaper Laundry, I bought a drill bit this past weekend and made a bucket washer. The laundromat across the street is expensive and has ripped holes in most of our diapers, and we'd been using disposables for a month just to avoid it -- which, of course, was not exactly helping on the "expensive" front. I think the drill bit, bucket, lid and plunger cost $8 ~ $10.

Sidenote: using a drill made me feel super powerful. I am like a god, ahahahaha.

Anyway, Miles is enamored with the thing. Bathroom lighting + DSi camera = poor quality, though.