Domestupated

Cottonelle Wet Wipes™ use magic water

2014-08-10T07:04:00.005-07:00

Cottonelle - "Test Your Cleaning Logic" - Car Wash from TRIS3CT on Vimeo.

Dear Cottonelle™,

Did you just compare my ass to a car? Sure, it’s highly waxed with leather interior, ample head room, and it even has the lingering scent of a Vanilla air freshener discarded long ago, but the similarities end there my friend.

Have you ever given pause to think about how your product came about?

Did you know that every animal on earth has an anus that sits flush with its surrounding surface area enabling them to defecate cleanly and with tremendous efficiency? It's true. They evolved that way because predators don’t say things like "Ewww...gross!" or “Well this is awkward. Look, you're obviously busy so I’ll just pop back by in a few minutes so it’s fair and all.”

Humans, on the other hand, have hunks of meat encompassing their anuses, perfect for getting shit all over them. Why did humans evolve with butt cheeks? As any good Christian will tell you, humans didn't evolve; they were created in God’s image. Yes, God has an enormous dumper that must be cleaned after he holy shits. Many Christians argue that God simply wills his ass clean. Others proclaim he has a rainbow spewing bidet, but both are incorrect. God cleans his almighty ass with plain old Charmin, your competitor.

If God had let humans evolve, they may have had anuses better equipped for survival. Instead, ass cheeks nearly caused the extinction of early man who had to pop a full squat, unload their bounty, and tediously wipe with leaves. They were routinely eaten by local top predators. A speedy transition from the deepest depths of a squat to a full-gait life-saving sprint is nearly impossible. Toilets were invented because it's easier to break it off and bolt from a sitting position. Primitive toilets appeared as holes bored into tree stumps and were only of minimal help, still leaving the defecator exposed. When Chief Ugthar the Mediocre was mauled while passing a so-so sized turd into a ficus stump it became obvious that shitting was extremely dangerous. The invention of outhouses enabled early man to breathe a sigh of relief in relative safety.

The history of wiping is not as fascinating but pertinent. Even in the best of circumstances, our ancestors could not simply defecate and walk away. Wiping was a must. The smell attracted predators and repelled potential mates. Crapping at the bottom of a full squat minimized wiping by maximizing the space between the inner cheeks allowing dookie to pass through virtually friction free (sorry for the scientific jargon). Sitting and shitting, or “shitting” if you will, reduces this space making wiping a lengthier process.

Sure, outhouses helped, but lines became horrendous. Economics and its laws of supply and demand had yet to be invented and the people were too stupid to realize they could simply build a second outhouse. Men could not hunt, women could not gather, they simply waited in line. Though the ground was well fertilized, crops went unplanted causing food shortages. Wiping induced famine became rampant. If man hoped to survive his defecation process he would need a proper answer to the wiping conundrum.

They searched and experimented with various products to clean excrement from the nether cheeks: pine cones, corn husks, animal dung, large rocks, small rocks, bare hands, babies, tree bark, the severed hands of fallen enemies, and even small furry woodland creatures. Eventually, they settled on corn cobs. Yes, corn cobs. They looked at all the options available and they settled on corn cobs. Yes, corn cobs. They wiped their asses with corn cobs...attached to strings, you know, so they could be reused. Prior to that it was dried out sea sponges but eventually they realized they shouldn't wipe their asses with something they use to exfoliate their feet.

At best, early wipes were crude and left humans constantly searching for something that didn't cause hemorrhaging. Why didn't they use old cloth or rags? Because they were fucking stupid, that's why. Still, stupidity did not trump desire to wipe without pain. By the 1860's some of the smarter people began ripping pages out of old books and bibles, but it wasn't until stores began mass producing paper advertisements that paper wiping, for some reason, became all the rage. I understand the desire to wipe your ass with adverts but toilet paper as we know it was invented in 1880. That's where you come in.

You produce of one very specific product for one very specific need of one very specific species; a product bereft of innovation since 2-ply, which came shortly after its inception. Someone invented a small roll of perforated square water soluble pieces of paper and they nailed it. It was rough, uncomfortable, and resulted in some of the vilest origami ever folded; therefore, the marketing of toilet paper has always centered around its softness.

In the 1990's, thanks to Olestra, America's collective bowel movements become liquidy. Companies began boasting about their products absorptive properties. Soft and absorbent was sufficient. It did the job. Some upstart companies might say they had scented ridges or special doo-doo capturing pockets, but their desperation preceded them. For approximately 150 years the toilet paper market has been comprised of a bunch of companies recreating the wheel and making it sound like it's not a wheel.

Cottonelle, your most recent idea to boost sales is getting adults to use baby wipes and, sadly, it's not even original. You are late to the wet wipe table and you still have the audacity to spend money advertising like you've invented something babies have known about since birth. An Absurdity expert had this to say about your commercial:

"I haven't a scooby. Their bum's haverin oot the windae here lek a bunch o' eejits! I mean its all shite ya ken? Bunch o' manky shite. I cannae watch it." - Brian MacDougall, Scottish English as a Second Language instructor, International Center for Language Studies

You trick people into thinking they are going to get their car washed by a schizophrenic woman who goes through all the motions of washing a car with water, sans water. When confronted by customers, she states she's dry wiping, see what she did there? There are a few jokes that are too set up to be believable, but the general point made is dry wiping does not clean your car, so how can it clean your ass? It makes sense, right?

No, it doesn't. I always wash my ass with water. I get a shower at least once a day and water is always involved. Your commercial insinuates that human skin is like a bioplastic auto exterior, which is much tougher and less pliable than my delicate neonate-like posterior. For example, I would not bend over bare-assed in a high pressure car wash. Nor would I pull a car out of the mud with my sphincter. Toilet paper has always worked just fine and no one has ever told me to go wash my ass. If I need soap and water to clean my ass every after every shit I should really look into changing my diet.

I guess that's really the point. This commercial makes it sound like it's the water that makes things clean and these are just disposable cloths soaked in water. If that's the case why can't we make our own? Because the product isn't that simple is it? They're soaked in chemicals and water. A quick perusal of Amazon's™ comment section will show that many people have the cleanest rash-ridden asses after using your product. When you look at the number of people making that comment, remember not everyone having that reaction is noting it on Amazon.

In summary, you are trying to sell baby wipes to adults by claiming that cars are cleaner than our asses because "water". You don't mention soap at all even though I'm pretty sure soap is a necessary part of cleaning things, even cars. I hope you never invite me over for dinner. Your whole premise of "water = clean" is moot when the product's ingredient list uses a slew of things other than water. Why would you hide that fact? I've been using Malic Acid to clean my ass for years. It has the word "ass" right in the title.

Please note that the bag is dangerous but there is no warning of skin irritants.

Sincerely, you are full of shit,
Me

Marketing Analysis: Walmart™ (The non-punctuational colon of the corporate body.)

2013-12-04T20:02:00.002-08:00

Product: Walmart

Product Claim(s): Opportunity, that’s the real Walmart.

Presentation: This is a PR attempt to combat the superabundance of negative media attention spotlighting Walmart's poor treatment of its employees. In this commercial, “real employees” speak about the opportunities and benefits provided by Walmart.

Intentional Humor/Irony: None, this is total damage control meant to be taken seriously.

Unintentional Humor/Irony: Walmart brags broadly about run of the mill corporate benefits in an effort to prove they are one step above the Chinese sweat shops that produce their goods.

Implication(s):

Walmart is a great place to work.
Walmart cares about their employees.
Walmart has excellent benefits.
Walmart's employees love working there.
Walmart employees are unaware that these benefits are pretty standard only most corporations have much better versions.

Takeaways:

Walmart has insane innovative benefits like:

401k Retirement plans – Wow.
“Healthcare” – Gitdafukouttaheah.
Corporate matched charitable donations - I can’t believe it’s not better.
Obscure “Education Benefits” - Free library cards for everyone.

Walmart has a diverse line of employment opportunities. If hired you could have an exciting career:

Managing Produce
Selling stuff Part-time
Working in Logistics (read as “warehouse”)
As a Pharmacist (no education apparently required)

Walmart does crazy things like:

Promote employees – i.e. from Part-time Cashier to Full-time Cashier.
Issue bonuses - starting from $3!
Allow employees to work their way from Part-time employment to Management – i.e. from Part-time Cashier to Full-time Cashier to Front End Supervisor.

Walmart treats their employees better than this commercial lets on. In addition to the benefits presented here:

Walmart has set up canned food drives to help their employees afford Thanksgiving dinners.
Walmart inspires and supports art therapy. Some stores even shut down on Black Friday allowing their entire staff to display original artwork in store parking lots instead of working.

Walmart is unwilling to discuss pay rates in this public forum.

Overall Message(s): Pharmacists, Sales Associates, Warehouses, and Produce Managers – There’s more to Walmart than you think…provided you're not thinking.

Marketing BS At Large (MBSaL): aussie MEN™

2013-11-24T09:35:00.004-08:00

Product(s) found at: Walmart™

Product(s): aussie MEN hair care products

Background/Understanding: Look, we all know that traditional soap was designed to scrub independence and individuality from women. It keeps their skin soft and smooth while it simultaneously keeps their "womanly odors" to a minimum. Men, on the under hand, traditionally didn't use soap, or even bathe for that matter. Women were just fine with the pungent odor emanating from every male pore of their callus laden bodies. This is the hygiene that gave us men like Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, Nat Turner, George Washington, and Carl Panzram.

Unfortunately, some chaps began regularly bathing in an effort to emulate the wealthy, to gain respect, and get what scientists call "that sweet poontang". This fad became so popular over time that today's national masculinity index has fallen to dangerous levels and is solely attributable to men's regular use of soap.

How can America continue to be the hegemonic corporate world dictator if its men smell like lavender and jasmine? Why does this matter? Because men can't be taken seriously if they smell like women or feel emasculated by non-gender specific products. Even traditional asexual soap smells, in a word, girly.

Irish Spring™? Feminine.
Dial™? Advertised in both Elle™ and O™ magazine.
Lever 2000™? Did you just get back from a Lilith Fair show?

The bottom line is that men's bodies have different needs; men's hair have different needs; their bodies and hair have different needs, and sometimes their bodies and hair have the exact same needs, depending on the product manufacturer.

Fortunately, a few multibillion dollar corporations realized America was falling behind in machismo and scrambled to create soap and hair care products to help restore and maintain male masculinity while still allowing men to keep a look they feel achieves both respect and an active sex life. What are these macho enhancing products?

Bar soap? Eres un maricón. Try shower gel, chucha.
Wash cloth? No, use a detailer. No, that's not a fancy name for an exfoliating sponge, concha.
Herbal Essence™ hair gel and shampoo? No, necesitas muy varonil pelo gel y mousse, el coño.*

The challenge of marketing these products, of course, is making shower gel, shampoos/conditioners, styling gels, facial washes, and exfoliating sponges seem manly. Therefore, most of the products have employed colder colors: blues, grays, blacks, dark greens. Although there is no visible indication of the product's scent, it is cleverly disguised as the prominently displayed word, MEN (usually all capitalized). That's right. It will make you smell like a man. Each bottle will have you smelling like you just finished a 12 hour shift in a non-air-conditioned Paraguayan slaughterhouse in mid-November, immediately rubbed your fingers across your perineum, and liberally applied the secretions over your entire body.**

Analysis: In reality, there is minimal difference in the smell of traditional soaps and those marketed to men. Male bath products strictly appeal to the homophobic "I ain't using that frilly shit" market; the kind of men that fear their friends and associates saying something like, "Barnie, you smell like apricots and orange blossoms. What the hell's the matter with you? Wash your vagina, please. It's starting to smell like your wife." It insinuates that people notice the scent of others soap.

aussie MEN helps men realize these products are not only manly, but the correct choice for their lifestyles through clever use of color (deep purple), simple vague product names, and tag lines. Yes, tag lines. While companies like Axe™ spend millions making promises they can't keep, aussie simply makes their case right on the bottle. It's all about simplicity because men like to keep things simple. Their hair care product line consists of the following items:

Deep Clean shampoo - tag line: "Lose the dirt. Keep the adventure." - Men. They have adventures. Manly shit. When you think adventure, you may think of running from Nazis in search of sacred relics, mountain climbing strictly for base jumping, or maybe even hunting snakes in the Florida everglades. If so, you fail to understand that Men have adventures all the time.

That traffic on the way to the office was terrible and that bran muffin was a bad breakfast choice. Waiting for that exit to get within reach...now that was an adventure. Your hair is completely dirt free. If only aussie had some kind of manly toilet paper.
So you drank a little too much at the bar, drove home when you probably shouldn't have, and later woke up in a puddle of your own vomit next to a possible woman. Fortunately, that Deep Clean shampoo repelled the bile from your lovely coiffure, like oil from water. Now you can simply give your victim cab fare, scarf down that bran muffin, and get to work.

Daily Clean shampoo - tag line: "No frills. No nonsense. Just clean." - Men don't have time for frills or nonsense. They want simplicity. Therefore, when they buy shampoo, they scour the aisle for the one row of aussie MEN Daily Clean shampoo. Some might say "Manpoo" is a nonsensical frill that cleans hair just as well as its cheaper counterparts, but that's not an aussie man way of thinking.
Daily 2N1 shampoo - tag line: "Two is better than one." - I guess that is supposed to be some kind of sexual innuendo, or maybe it's just a banal idiom. Regardless, the statement itself does not always ring true. Tumors, canker sores, prison rape, diseases, intestinal parasites, and 2Chainz are but a few examples of things that are worse in pairs. That being said, I'm not even certain that 2N1 even means there are two things are inside one bottle. Shampoo and conditioner seems to be the obvious inference but the bottle provides no explanation and it's a mystery I didn't care enough to solve.
Maximum Hold styling gel - tag line: "Adventure-proof style." - It is of the utmost importance that a man's hair remain fully styled so everyone knows he up for adventures. If your hair looks windblown or unkempt people will make you take your shoes off and cook something. Adrenaline should keep men from stressing about what an "adventure" does to their hair, but if that's what you think, you're clearly an idiot. Men must look their best whether their adventure is checking themselves out in the mirror of the local gym as they pretend to work out or desperately dry humping drunk women on a dance floor, their hair should always impeccably speak to their level of douchiness. Fortunately aussie MEN Maximum Hold styling gel has even withstood the harsh conditions at the summit of Mt. Everest, but let's not kid ourselves. If you're buying into this marketing bullshit, you ain't climbing Mt. Everest, mariquita.*

* Translations available here. Be sure to check for alternate meanings at the bottom right.
**The entire history as presented here is completely false and made up for comedic effect.

Honest Interpretations: NFL Women's Apparel™ (The Harbaugh Hypocrisy)

2013-11-09T06:16:00.003-08:00

Marketing Message: Women, your foremothers fought hard to get you out of the kitchen and into the ballot box, the workplace, and public office. They gave you a voice. They ignored what society said they could do, should do, or would do. They just took what they wanted. You are a woman and can't be held to some preconceived traditional gender role. You should flippantly walk big dogs, skateboard, ride scooters, and flex your muscles. Exude defiance. After generations of struggling for equality, are you going to let society say you shouldn't wear a football jersey? No you are not! You will wear them. They're sexy. Make your own look.

Honest Message: You are woman, hear you roar. AmIright? What's next ladies? Working towards equal government representation? Fighting for control of your own body? Striving for equal pay and credibility? No. Wearing football jerseys, of course! (If you are obese or unattractive, you can't have one.)

Here at the NFL, we don't make nearly enough money off merchandising, advertising, ticket prices, or endorsements. Therefore, we are now targeting the female demographic because we know how much you women love shopping. The problem is, wearing football jerseys isn't traditionally feminine.That's okay, we made it totally look cool. See? These independent women wear them. They can't be defined by traditional gender roles. Hell, even the one holding the baby has spunk. Did you see the one in the club? What about the famous ones you didn't recognize? They're not actually famous; they're just wearing NFL jerseys and now you can too.

Be strong. Be independent. Be an individual. Wear our jerseys and make your own look (and by that we mean "make it sexy"). Just remember: you still aren't allowed to actually play football. If you want to play in the NFL you have wear a different uniform:

Obese and unattractive women need not apply.

Marketing Analysis: Milk (Someone Call CPS)

2013-10-25T23:09:00.001-07:00

Product: Milk

Product Claim(s): Nourish every day [Milk nourishes your body].

Presentation: In a nighttime setting, Salma Hayek, in an evening dress, opens the fridge to discover an empty gallon of milk. With a look of panic, she grabs her keys and purse and “hilarity ensues” as she deals with first world problems; falls off a split rail fence; and looks “a hot mess”. In the end, after all of her misfortunes, she attains a gallon of milk only to find her daughter has no cereal to go with it.

Intentional Humor/Irony: The commercial is intended to be humorous. Did you see her fall off that fence? What about her hair? HAHAHAHAHA! Jar Jar, did you write this?

Unintentional Humor/Irony: No other adults or caretakers are depicted in this commercial. She leaves her child home alone all night to go foraging for a gallon of milk and still fails to meet her child’s breakfast needs. Salma Hayek is a bad mother.

Implications:

“Hey, what’s that white liquid in the plastic jug? Milk, you say? Well I’ve certainly never heard of that before. Good thing they advertise.”
Split rail fence = Rubik’s Cube™
“Oh, I’m out of milk. I guess I’ll just pick some up tomorrow. WAIT! WHAT AM I SAYING?!?”
Traffic laws do not apply to movie stars.
“Okay guys, Marva Maid™, Pet™, Land O’ Lake™, and Borden™ are all reporting that grocery chains have given another 6 inches of shelf space to Almond Milk. This is a code red and we need the big guns! Get Salma on the horn! ”

Takeaways:

Salma Hayek keeps peanut butter in the refrigerator.
Salma Hayek doesn’t know how to cook.
Salma Hayek looks upon low income workers with disdain and doesn’t understand that the quantity of milk available is likely never the responsibility of a graveyard shift cashier.
Salma Hayek drove to two generic stores and then a rural farm which she reached at dawn. This begs two questions:

What the hell was she doing up so late, dressed to the nines, when she has a small child in her care?
Where the hell does she live? Hill Valley circa 1955?

Salma Hayek keeps a metal pail in her car
Salma Hayek has the skillset to milk a cow. Now, if she could just negotiate that labyrinthine fence.
Salma Hayek’s begging for a gallon of milk surely inspired that milkman to submit a Penthouse Forum™ letter.

Overall Message(s):

Salma Hayek is an idiot.
Milk –now in your local dealer’s refrigerator.
Got dumb?
This commercial was brought to you by CPS who would like to remind you that a nourishing bowl of milk does not erase the abandonment issues your child will have later in life.

This blog has been brought to you by Gasoline: Get There!

Titus An-Pepsi-cus (An Original Play)

2013-10-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

SCENE:

(At Rise we see 4 Things [Marketing experts], sitting around an oblong table looking stressed and perplexed. A calendar on the wall shows the year to be 2004; a red circle around the third Friday indicates a deadline.)

THING 1: Guys, I’ve noticed a real problem. It seems people are forgetting that Pepsi comes in a blue can.

THING 2: I’ve noticed an even bigger problem.

THINGS 1, 3, and 4 in unison: Oh yeah? What’s that?

THING 2: Beyonce, Pink, Britney Spears, and Enrique Iglesias don’t have nearly enough money!

THING 1: He has a point.

THING 3, standing up excitedly: Holy shit guys! I have a great idea!

THING 4, sarcastically: And that is?

THING 3: We should pay them a bunch of money to do a Pepsi commercial!

THING 4, disapprovingly: I don’t know. Michael Jackson, Madonna, George Michael, Ray Charles have all sang for soda. Hell, we've had Britney shilling Pepsi for the past year. Can’t we come up with a fresher idea than another celebrity endorsement?

THING 3: This isn’t just another celebrity endorsement. This is a celebriTIES endorsement. A super group; think A Perfect Circle, only mediocre and with 80% less testicles. (Thing 3 sits down looking proud.)

THING 1: I really like where you’re going with this. How can we work all four of them into a 30 second commercial?

THING 2: Yeah, that isn’t much time for the audience to process which celebrities they should emulate.

THING 3: Well, uh, who says it has to be 30 seconds? It could be 45 or even 60 seconds long. Pepsi, can afford a 60 second commercial slot.

THING 1, panning hands out in front of face as he stares off above the heads of Things 2, 3, and 4: I’m picturing a staged concert, each diva holds a Pepsi and struts onto stage over a red carpet played by Enrique (interrupted)…

THING 4, sitting upright and interrupting Thing 1: No, no, no. Look, the staged concert concept is hackneyed too. Can we please get a fresh idea here?

THING 3: Well, they’re all pop stars. They have to sing! What would you have them do? Talk? Act? The goal is to sell Pepsi.

THING 2, staring off into space: I’m seeing an inner city street corner on a hot summer day; sweaty kids too hot to play; everyone looking miserable; suddenly the sound of a soda can cracking open; cut to Pink who takes a sip of Pepsi and then screams some gibberish before smashing the cap off a fire hydrant spraying water everywhere. (Thing 2 is now giddy as he looks at the others). She’s such a firecracker!

THING 1: Ooooh! Then Beyonce walks out of a hair salon looking fabulous and starts belting some whoooooaaaaaooooaaaas! (Thing 1 poorly imitating R&B vocal ad libs.)

THING 3: No guys, we do need to tackle this from a completely different angle. I mean, having 4 divas and the moderately-successful-son-of-a-successful-Latin-singer in one commercial is unprecedented. This has to be something special.

THING 2: Like a battle of the divas? We could have them duke it out in a sing-off!

THING 4, chuckling: How about a bloody Roman gladiator event?

THINGS 1, 2, and 3, in unison: That’s brilliant!

THING 4: No! Guys I was joking (interrupted)…

THING 3, interrupting Thing 4: I’m picturing all three ladies showing off their bodies in sexy, scant, bikini-like armor that doesn’t really offer any protection to their vital organs.

THING 1: Wait, what about Enrique? We can’t have him fighting women. We don’t want to look misogynistic.

THING 2: I think the obvious answer is to fully clothe him as a Caesar; a hot, Latin Caesar.

THING 1: Genius!

THING 4, exasperated: C’mon guys, this is really, really stupid.

THING 3: Yeah, stupid brilliant! Don’t be so modest man! (Slaps Thing 4 on the shoulder.)

THING 1: I’ll call budgeting and see what songwriter we can get on the cheap.

THING 3, looking confused: Why don’t we just have them write their own music?

THING 4, snickering: C’mon now, they don’t write their own music! Anyhow, we won’t be able to get a song writer and all four celebrities on this budget. (now muttering under his breath) Thank God.

THING 1: Why don’t we just have them sing one of their hit songs; one that showcases all of their unique vocal stylings?

THING 2, while nodding excitedly: Something awesome; something that allows Pink to scream some gibberish.

THING 3: No, we’ll never get all three divas and a pseudo-pop star to agree to sing any one of the other’s songs.

THING 4: Maybe that's for the best. Pop is passé; rock is where it’s at. When I think of Beyonce, Pink, Britney, and Enrique-fucking-Iglesias, I certainly do not think rock ‘n roll. An actual rock band would be fresh. Can we get Kings of Leon instead?

THING 2: How about a queen? Pink harnesses that whole defiant rock ‘n roll, punky kind of spirit. You know?

THING 4, with a look of shocked disbelief: Seriously?

THING 3, very excited: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Queen! That's genius! They should sing We Will Rock You!

THING 4, visibly irritated: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Seriously bad idea!

THING 2: How could that possibly be a bad idea?

THING 4: First of all, the phrase Top 40 is industry jargon for same song. We Will Rock You is not Top 40, it's not pop; it’s not dance; it’s not R&B; and it’s not crap. It is pure, unadulterated rock ‘n roll. It’s on the classic rock stations because it's a fucking classic. These divas will be out of their element and having them sing it is a worse idea than having Celine Dion and Shakira sing You Shook Me All Night Long.

THING 3, excitedly: Hot Damn! You are on fire today, boy!

THING 4, desperately looking back and forth at each co-worker to emphasize how he feels: Read my lips guys. This. Is. A. Really. Bad. Idea. Period.

THING 3: How so?

THING 4: We Will Rock You is badass! It’s not safe. It’s raw, it's edgy, it’s loud, it’s powerful, and it’s ballsy. It’s everything these four are not! Do you want to hear a little known fact about We Will Rock You?

THINGS 1, 2, and 3, in excited unison: Sure!

THING 4: You know that signature beat? (Thing 4 imitates the beat by stomping his feet and clapping his hands.) It’s not really a bunch of foot stomping and hand clapping. It’s actually the sound of Freddy Mercury’s testicles bouncing off the ground as he dick slaps Rod Stewart in the face. I don’t think Enrique’s testicles have the visceral fortitude to pull that off.

THING 2, defensively: Pink’s totally could!

THING 3: No problem. We need to supplement the beat with computerized drums anyways in order to make it sound more like their music. You know, more danceable.

THING 4: Jesus! NO (rest is inaudible due to Things 1 and 2 singing)…

THINGS 1 and 2, loudly singing in falsetto over Thing 4, in unison: Dancing, dancing, dancing! (Now in a deeper tone) I’m a dancing machine.(To the tune of Jackson 5’s Dancing Machine.)

THING 4: Okay, fine. We've established that Pepsi hates rock. So you have 4 singers. How are all 4 going to sing a piece of this song?

THING 1: How many verses does the song have?

THING 4, clearly annoyed: Three.

THING 2: Well, Pink has to have a whole verse.

THING 3: So does Britney!

THING 1: I guess we’ll just do the whole song.

THING 4: Guys, there are two glaring problems with your idea. (Thing 4 continues more loudly before Thing 3 can interrupt). First of all, there are only three verses. What will Caesar Iglesias do, sit there and drink Pepsi the whole time? (Even louder to avoid Thing 2’s attempted interruption.) Secondly, this song is at least two minutes long. Pepsi isn’t going to put a two minute commercial on television regularly. Why are we even considering it?

THING 2: I can answer that first question.

THING 4: By all means, go ahead.

THING 2: Yes.

THING 4, after a moment of silently staring blankly at Thing 2: Yes what?

THING 2: Yes, Enrique will just sit around drinking Pepsi.

THING 4: In Ancient Rome?

THING 1: What’s wrong with that?

THING 4, incredulously: Countless things! To start with, Ancient Rome had running water, air conditioning, concrete, paved roads, architectural arches, and a number of technological marvels for their time. You know what Ancient Rome didn’t have?

THINGS 1, 2, and 3, in unison: What’s that?

THING 4, clearly angry: Fucking Pepsi, you assholes! They didn’t have Pepsi! They didn’t have aluminum, plastic or anything that houses Pepsi!

THING 3: Calm down man! It’s just a commercial. People don’t care if it’s historically accurate. All we care about is that these four will help us sell some soda.

THING 4: By singing We Will Rock You? What does “Rock” ‘n Rome (using air quotes for ‘Rock’) have to do with Pepsi at all? What are we saying? Are we making a statement? Do swords make Pepsi look refreshing? Are we at least going to say it tastes good?

THING 1: I don’t really see why we need to. As long as each celebrity is shown drinking some then I say "mission accomplished", just like Iraq.

THING 4, exasperated: Okay, I give up. Please, tell me how you envision this commercial.

THING 3: (To things 1 and 2) I’ll handle this you guys. (Now to Thing 4). Now I’m just spitballing here, but how about we start with a panning shot of the packed Colosseum. Cut to Caesar Enrique, sitting on the podium, pulling an ice cold Pepsi out of a cooler (interrupted)…

THING 4, interrupting Thing 3: Stop right there! Rome didn’t have ice and Rome didn’t have coolers!

THING 3: Would you relax? We're selling Pepsi, not teaching history. (Thing 4 shakes his head, looks down, and begins rubbing temples in frustration as Thing 3 continues.) So, like I was saying, Caesar takes a sip of Pepsi. Then we cut to the dungeons where our 3 diva gladiators are amping themselves up for their fight. They start stomping and clanging around loosely producing a thump, thump, clap. The entire crowd hears this and immediately starts stomping and clapping the beat for We Will Rock You, in unison.

THING 4, interrupting Thing 3: So the immense roaring crowd of the Colosseum can hear them banging around down there?

THING 3: Is that so unbelievable?

THING 4, immediately and matter-of-factly: Yes.

THING 2: (To Thing 3) Let me take over. (Now looking at Thing 4) So the crowd starts this beat. Caesar Iglesias looks concerned the people are going to riot or something. The gates open and the three diveators – I’m copyrighting that – prance out sultrily with their weapons and bikini-like armor, supple skin glaring in the sun, long, shapely legs adorned in Roman FM boots, (Thing 2 crosses legs) until they all end up in a face-off of defiant expressions.

THING 4, barely audible sarcasm: Yeah, Pepsi keeps you sexy.

THING 1: Wait, wait, wait! They can’t fight each other! There can’t be winners and losers here.

THING 2: I know, I know. Pink would totally kick their asses if this were real.

THING 4, irritably: Well, we’ve already established that we don’t care about reality.

THING 3: He’s right, though. They can’t fight.

THING 1, having an epiphany: What if they all just throw their weapons down and start singing! You know, cut to the chase!

THING 4, feigning excitement: Yeah! Then the Caesar could order the guards to rain arrows upon them for their defiance!

THING 2: Nooooo! They each take a verse from We Will Rock You, protesting the Caesar. The crowd eats it up and chants the chorus with them!

THING 3: Brilliant!

THING 4: (mockingly) Brilliant. (Now barely audible) I like death by arrows better.

THING 1: Jeez man, shut up already! We all know this was your idea. You’re going to get full credit!

THING 4: This was in no way "my idea". In fact, I’ve been fighting you three on this every step of the way!

THING 3: I think you mean inspiring us.

THING 4: So, please indulge me. They sing We Will Rock You. The crowd can hear them over the beat-making ruckus despite a lack of microphones. Then what? You guys said we have to show them all drinking Pepsi. Do the gladiat – excuse me – deveators rehydrate with Pepsi instead of water?

THING 2: True, we already showed the Caesar drinking Pepsi which implies it is a drink of the privileged. Slaves wouldn't have access to it.

THING 3: Yeah, and they can’t just storm the podium. They’d be killed by the Praetorian guard.

THING 4, incredulously: Oh, now you care about historical accuracy?

THING 1: That’s easy. The vibrations caused by the stomping crowd slowly cause the Caesar’s cooler of Pepsi to fall to the arena floor where Pink, Beyonce, and Britney all pick one up drink one.

THING 2, humbly: I stand in awe of your genius.

THING 4: I assume that since reality only applies to beverage privileges, the cans will not explode in their faces after that fall, and the Caesar, who is not insulted or angry in any way in the midst of such seditious behavior, turns to the camera with a big smile and makes a general statement about why people should drink Pepsi or, at the very least, a Pepsi rocks pun.

THING 3: No, he will be inexplicably thrown from his podium to the arena floor and eaten by a lion!

THINGS 1 and 2, excited in unison: BRILLIANT! (Things 1, 2, and 3 engage in a three-way high-five.)

THING 4: You know what? I thought this was whole thing was really stupid but you've totally sold me on this gladiator concept with the whole lion mauling thing.

THING 1: We knew you'd eventually come around, man.

THING 4: Two things plot hole issues.

THING 3: Jesus! It's a commercial!

THING 4: One, Why didn't the lion eat the divas if it was there?

THING 3, quickly interjecting: Who cares.

THING 4, continuing: And two, Romans loved these events and they were put on by the Caesar. Why is he being painted as the bad guy in this extremely inaccurate fictional period piece commercial that ruins a great song?

THINGS 1, 2, and 3, in unison: Why? He has a penis, of course!

THING 4, shrugging: Genius. I'm starting to see how you guys graduated at the top of your respective classes.

THING 2: Hold on a minute! When does Pink defiantly scream gibberish?

THING 3: I thing the best and most unnecessary place is right before they start singing.

THING 2: Hot damn that's good!

THING 4: It's a shame no one is ever going to see this commercial.

THING 3: Huh?

THING 4: The run time is too long for television, remember? With the intro this will easily push the three minute mark. Hell the celebrity endorsements prices and special effects alone will put the budget through the roof.

THINGS 1 and 2, in unison to Thing 3: Yeah, who is going to see this commercial?

THING 3: We’ll just put it on the internet. There's less overhead so it's the future of marketing anyways. One day I think that place will be littered with commercials in excess of one minute. They'll be placed before YouTube videos and randomly interrupt various unrelated websites. People will even seek them out for stupid blog topics. I'm telling you. This one in particular will be epic and talked about for at least 10 years. Pepsi should think of it as an investment.

THING 4: Epic? That sounds like a buzz word from 2010. Finally, I've found somebody with some real vision in this company!

(Close as all 4 begin laughing.)

END SCENE

This Play has been brought to you by Pepsi, no tagline.

Marketing Analysis: Axe Body Spray™

2013-09-27T20:53:00.003-07:00

Product: Axe Body Spray

Product Claim(s): ”The Axe Effect™”- the alleged impact Axe Body Spray has on women; causing hours of heightened, ravenous sexual desire for those wearing the product.

Presentation: This commercial focuses on a “side effect” of Axe Body Spray, postcoital cuddling. This behavior lasts “all day long” and is so undesirable that Axe™ created the Morning After Pillow™ - an inflatable pillow men can use as a substitute for their own bodies that enables women to cuddle while men leave to “enjoy [their] freedom.”

A small, average, impish looking man is depicted bedding the pop culture definition of a beautiful woman to emphasize the power of the Axe Effect. This not so subtly suggests Average Joes can totally bang outside of their league if they use this product.

Intentional Humor/Irony: All Axe commercials have humorous intent and are too ridiculous to be taken seriously. Still, each commercial implies using Axe products will get you laid and they feature no discernible legal disclaimer to the contrary.

Unintentional Humor/Irony:

Axe turns ordinary women into uninhibited, sex-crazed zombies that copulate with men whom they would not under their own volition. Axe is a date rape drug.
The man in this commercial is meant to be cool and aspirational yet is too weak to escape the clutches of a comatose woman.
The commercial states "the Morning After Pillow is available in a variety of shapes and sizes" but all examples shown are the exact same shape and size. They are actually available in a variety of styles.

Implications:

The Axe Effect only works on those that society dictates to be beautiful women.
Sex is strictly a nighttime activity and not possible in daylight hours.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Date rape!
Axe customers either prematurely ejaculate, dry hump, wear underwear during sex, or dress immediately afterwards.
Women are too stupid to tell the difference between a douchey-smelling, air-filled vinyl pillow and an actual douchebag.
Women are the only ones that want to cuddle.
It is okay to take advantage of women because penis.

Takeaways:

Date rape drugs are now available in exciting new scent forms.
There is no danger of attracting ugly/bovine gals because Axe is specially formulated to appeal to humans only.
Playing tennis and video games with other dudes is clearly better than interacting with a woman that would have sex with you.
How’d they get dressed to go out?
You tricked her into allowing you do what scientists refer to as “Parking the Pink Plymouth in the Grunt Garage" and now she only wants spend some quality time together. Pssh! YOU don't owe HER any more favors. AmIright?
Wear Axe and women will have sex with you, not because you are charming; not because of your personality; not because you’re attractive; not even because they feel sorry for you; but because you smell like shit.
Assholes wear Axe.
Who has time for human interaction and niceties with women? What are you, some kind of homo?
Women are to sex what cows are to steak.

You find steak at the market, bring it home, consume it, and throw the leftovers away. Later you tell your friends how good it was and how good you were at eating it.
Meanwhile the cow (now a little less of a cow) sits at home awaiting a call that never comes and wondering what that burning sensation is.

You may take our time but you will never take OUR FREEDOM!
Now go and "keep putting the Axe Effect to the test". That's right, men! You can sleep with as many whores as possible without risking judgement.

Overall Message(s):

For the misogynist of Biblical proportions.
Axe Body Spray – If you’re wearing it, it’s because you can’t get laid without it.
You scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours, and by “scratching backs”, I mean rape.
Axe Body Spray – If it actually smelled good it would be called cologne.
Men - doing what they want with their penises since always.

Factoid: The Morning After Pillow actually exists. It can be found and ordered online. It is obviously a gimmick, but selling nonetheless.

iPhone 5™ - Photos Every Day

2013-09-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Product: iPhone

Product Claim(s)/Selling Point(s): “Every day more photos are taken with the iPhone than any other camera.”

Presentation: Over a sparse piano piece, this commercial shows a series of people using their iPhones to take pictures and videos of various things, depicting all photo and video capabilities, to show the phone is great for capturing:

Oily Water
Skateboard accidents
Current weather conditions
Self portraits
Food
Clear skies
Concerts
Crowds

Actor voices are audible underneath the music and there is no voice over until the very end where it states “Every day more photos are taken with the iPhone than any other camera." No proof is offered.

Unintentional Humor/Irony: Though this commercial depicts people of various backgrounds and lifestyles, the target audience seems to be people that already own iPhones - the annoying kind that are vocally brand loyal and seize any opportunity to crap talk about their phone while implying Android™ phones suck.

Implications:

Facts, studies, and statistics are not required when making sweeping assertions about popular preferences and product use.
Despite the indie washed-out look of the world, colorful shit is everywhere.
A 4” x 2” screen is the window for the world to see your eyes.
People ages 35 and over do not use iPhones.
Group of 10 self shot? Go, Go Gadget Arm!
Instagramming™ food is now a selling point.
Instagramming the current weather conditions is now a selling point.
Don’t look where you’re going.
It’s not rude to stop in the middle of a moving crowd. Everyone understands your video will be awesome and totally worth their delay.
Pictures look better when taken when taken with your arms fully extended over your head.
Indie, artsy, individual, sparse, young, parent – iPhone is the Juno of cell phones.

Takeaways:

Every day more people mosh to Miley Cyrus than any other metal band.
Don’t engage anything. Record life and watch it later.
It is the perfect complement for any beard.
Every day more men hit women while drinking Natural Light™ than any other beer.
Apple™ requires iPhone owners to wear pants tight enough that the phone can be identified while still in a pocket.
This phone takes really good food photos for social media sites. If you’re someone that does that stupid annoying shit, you should do it with an iPhone.
Every day more people get diarrhea from Golden Corral™ than any other shitty restaurant.
Like the Republican Party, approximately 5% iPhone's target demographic is black.
Children young enough to play with stuffed animals need iPhones.
Every day more anuses are penetrated using WD-40™ than any other lubricant.
The person using their broken arm to take pictures of their x-rays probably broke their arm taking pictures with their iPhone while running.
Panoramic photos! Panoramic photos! Panoramic photos! Panoramic photos! Panoramic photos! Panoramic photos! It has a flash! It has a flash! It has a flash! It has a flash! It has a flash!
Every day more people cure their athlete’s foot with Hidden Valley Ranch™ than any other feminine hygiene product.

Overall Message(s):

Buy iPhone because it has a camera...and it takes pictures...and you have a beard.
iPhone – is amazing but it still requires someone else to take your picture from farther than arm’s length.
iPhone – perfect for all the annoying things people do with their phones.

Cross-marketing Analysis: Last week’s Google Glass was very similar in content and presentation. Oddly, two of its scenes also involved gymnastics and jellyfish. Of every random thing they could show, both smartphone companies opted to show these two specific things. IDo pretentious, techno-tard braggarts have some kind of jellyfish-gymnast fetish? Do these two things strike some kind of chord in consumers? Personally, I was into jellyfish before they were cool and gymnasts make my pants feel tighter.

Marketing Analysis: Google Glass™

2013-09-07T05:48:00.002-07:00

Product: Google Glass

Product Claim(s)/Selling Point(s): Of the many things Google Glass can do, this commercial primarily focuses on recording videos.

Presentation: An amalgam of activities are shown from 1^st person perspective. Activities shown range from piloting to ballet dancing, from Kendo practice to skiing.

Occasional voice overdubs are heard to show that the product responds to voice commands and to illustrate how the device could be useful in the everyday lives of people more interesting than yourself.

The product itself is not physically shown throughout the entirety of the commercial. If you want to take videos like that, you will have to look like this:

Totally natural looking, beard and all.

Implications:

Everything you do is interesting.
The Geordie Laforge look is in - an appearance that is traditional enough to be part of acceptable Ballerino attire, and yet fashionable enough to be worn on the runway.
Google Glass will remain perfectly still and on your face despite:

Terminal velocity wind resistance
Bareback horseride jostling
Upside down trapeze swinging

Their propensity for coolness is directly proportional to their distance from the Earth.
Google Glass can withstand a 10,000 ft. fall, getting smacked by a wooden sword, and fire.
It’s totally safe to fly a plane while video chatting and searching the internet.
A cooler lifestyle is included with each purchase.

Takeaways:

I'm boring.
Place a $500 computer on your face and dare it to fall off.
It does not rain while wearing Google Glass.
Now, instead of appearing rude when burying your face in a computer and ignoring everyone, people will just think you have a pretentious lazy eye.
Your friends can now enhance their already exciting social media status updates about experiences in traffic, shopping, pictures of their lunch, and stories about their kids. You can pretend to be them as they return expired milk, eat sandwiches, and present their mom with a birthday cake! Awesome!
This product is a must have for the avid creep.
No one will ever use Google Glass while driving a car. Seriously, that is so dangerous that no one would ever dare do it.
Google Glass snuff films coming soon!
Hot Air Balloon videos? Possibly.
Boring birthday and child videos? Likely.
POV porn videos? Definitely! Shit-tons of ‘em! Whole websites will be devoted to it.
Voyeur porn videos? There will be water if it happens to rain so keep your legs crossed.
Google Glass is not as cool as some of the people that use it.

Overall Message(s):

Buy Google Glass because some people are more interesting than you.
Look what you could film. You won't, but you could.

Possible Use(s) Not Shown: When someone near you says "Okay Glass, record video", punch them in their Borg eye, push them down, kick dirt in their face, urinate onto the lens, and step on their Glass as you leave. Hopefully it will still be on their face. The resulting video will make a great addition to the next commercial, especially if you're a woman.

Thought(s): There was a time when people only recorded special occasions because it was a impractical to carry a camcorder everywhere. In order to show off home videos, people actually had to wait for their friends and family to visit and then give them the A Clockwork Orange treatment by pinning their eyes open and forcing them to watch videos that make them ill. Only compelling videos - like the Rodney King beating - found their way to the public eye. It seems that we had it right then.

Marketing Analysis: Bud Light™

2013-08-31T10:40:00.004-07:00

Product: Bud Light

Product Claims: No claims are made about the product. It is merely a prop in this advertisement.

Selling Point(s): Nothing is said about the product to entice sales.

Premise: An office holds a clothing drive where unprepared employees are promised one Bud Light for each article of clothing donated. They begin donating the clothes off their backs to get beer, ultimately resulting in nudity. Various situations are presented for humor but the overall message implies that people will do stupider things for a Bud Light than a Klondike Bar™.

Intentional Humor/Irony: This commercial is intentionally farcical and too ridiculous to be taken seriously. The product itself seems secondary to the premise. If not for characters name dropping Bud Light twice, and the appearance of the product logo at the end, the commercial could be a weak Saturday Night Live sketch.

Unintentional Humor/Irony: Bud Light thinks their customers are extremely, pathetically, and unapologetically stupid. For more evidence of how stupid Bud Light thinks its customers, watch the additional commercial below:

"The Just Right Taste of Bud Light." Mmmm, Mediocrity.

Implications:

Business sponsored charity drives normally reward employee contributions with beer.
On the job drinking is okay.
Business professionals believe a $2 beer is worth a $20 article of clothing in regular wardrobe rotation and do not understand that Bud Light is fairly cheap and easily obtained practically everywhere.
Bud Light = Crack
Average/frumpy looking women do not drink Bud Light because they are smart, prudish nerds. That's okay. No one wants to see average/frumpy looking smart women naked anyways.
HR dress code: Business Casual OR Visual Phallical.

Takeaways:

People that like Bud Light are blithering morons. They are clueless, disrepectful, childlike, and should not be allowed to live on their own.
All Bud Light purchases should include a little hat with a propeller on it so the general public can identify and avoid those who drink it.
The office will be closed the following day while most of the staff is in jail for public drunkenness and indecent exposure.
“Newton-Graham is a proud sponsor of Tappa Datta Kegga Fraternity’s Annual Spring Rufie-thon.”
Average/frumpy women are perfect for the aspiring wife-beater because they are not smart enough to stop rewarding people who take things too far. Sure, their faces visibly display condescending looks of antipathy and disgust, but they won't stand up for themselves. So have a Bud Light and wipe that look off their face, slugger.
Career paths for Bud Light revelers by gender:.

Male - business professional; senior partner of a business that hires dimwits and allows them to impudently drink naked on the job.
Female - receptionist; stripper

Budweiser™ reminds everyone to drink responsibly. "Responsibly" means naked at work.

Overall Message(s):

Bud Light tastes like naked men.
Tired of gender inequality at the office? Be one of the guys - drink Bud Light, and get naked!
Bud Light: One beer is all it takes to ruin your image.
Buy Bud Light because ninjas are cool, you’re a moron, and morons like ninjas.
NERDS!!!NERDS!!!NERDS!!!NERDS!!!NERDS!!!NERDS!!!

Marketing Analysis: Coors Light™

2013-08-24T06:16:00.002-07:00

Product: Coors Light

Product Claims: Coors Light has the “World's Most Refreshing Can.”

Selling Point(s):

"The World's Most Refreshing Can" - Coors Light has put a lot of emphasis on their can in recent years. They have widened the mouth and added a vent for faster pouring but their most self-touted innovation is Super Cold Activation™ which describes two strips on their cans and bottles. One strip turns blue when the beer temperature is cold (approximately 40 degrees) and the second strip turns blue when the beer is super cold. Just how cold is super cold? Good question, it's a secret, much like the Coca-Cola™ formula, only it's a single finite temperature. Gone are the days of using your sense of touch to determine if beer is cold enough to drink.

"Refreshing" - TheFreeDictionary.com defines refreshing as:

1. Serving to refresh.

2. Pleasantly fresh and different.

This source uses the intransitive root verb, refresh, to partly define its own present-tensing adjective. No problem, it defines refresh as:

1. To take refreshment.

2. To become fresh again; revive.

It uses the transitive verb, refresh, as part of the intransitive definition and that is precisely why it is a free dictionary.

Some might say refreshing is a subjective term. To them Coors Light says "Pssssh". What makes Coors Light refreshing is not discussed in the commercial. There is no explanation of how its ingredients, or the can in which they are housed, serve to rejuvenate anything or anyone. The commercial merely asserts that Coors Light makes a day at a pool “more refreshing”.

Premise:

The commercial is presented as a “hidden camera” stunt capturing a group of public pool-goers taken unawares by a Coors Light marketing event. The commercial has no voice over and the marketing language is conveyed by on-screen text. It begins with simulated typing text over a pool scene and proceeds as follows:

(Text) “On a hot afternoon in South Florida…we transformed an ordinary day at the pool...into the most refreshing place on Earth.”
An aerial “hidden camera” follows a man as he walks to a bar and orders a Coors Light. A door opens emitting the sound of mountain winds, cold air vapor, and snow as it births a man in full mountain climbing regalia who hands the pool-goer a single Coors Light. The customer, surprised, thanks the mountain climber who coolly replies “no problem” before walking back into the frosty door. The customer walks over and stares at the door in an apparent state of dumbfoundedness.
Not to be outdone, a snowmobile then jumps a ramp into the pool area, scaring the pool-goers and pool staff. Its operator, also in full mountain climbing regalia, dismounts and hands a random woman a single Coors Light. Exclamations of shock and surprise can be heard.
Another “mountaineer” flies in on a zip-line - at fairly high speed – landing in front of a group of pool-goers. He hands a random person a single Coors Light but more can be seen on his belt.
A 4^th “mountain climber” rides in to the crowd on a sled pulled by Huskies - a fairly unimpressive stunt at this point - but at least he has a cooler.
A “mountaineer” base jumps from a nearby rooftop and parachutes into the crowd to distribute a single Coors Light while simultaneously regaining the pointless "extreme" nature of this stunt.
Finally, for the coup de grace, a helicopter appears to more prominent exclamations of surprise. Two “mountain climbers” repel from it with small coolers of Coors Light.
Throughout these events, snowflakes can be seen falling from the sky.
The commercial ends with alternating views of the amazed crowd and the departing helicopter as the text “Refresh your summer with The World’s Most Refreshing Can” appears on screen (the "world's most refreshing can" part is actually bold print). Then the Coors Light logo flashes and gives way to their trademark and the text “Where will it show up next?”

Intentional Humor/Irony:

None - this commercial presented as an actual event meant to be taken seriously.

Unintentional Humor/Irony:

This commercial is presented as an actual event meant to be taken seriously.
Coors Light seeks to create the most refreshing place on Earth by terrifying and endangering the lives of people at a South Floridian pool resort.
Turning a South Floridian pool into a “refreshing place” is not necessary or challenging because a pool resort in South Florida, by its very nature, is refreshing.
"That dip in the pool and this drink were just what I needed. Now if only I could watch someone base jump."
“The world’s most refreshing can” is seriously used as a selling point.

Implications:

If this commercial is to be taken at face value it implies the Coors Brewing Co.™ cares nothing about public safety. This whole stunt was pulled off without any concern that someone could be run over by a snowmobile; smacked by a zip-liner; trampled by a sled; landed upon by a parachutist, or generally frightened into a heart attack as a result of the events.
The can makes the beer and merely holding it is rejuvenating.
Nobody noticed the numerous cameras, the pre-placed zip-line and ramp, or the SNOWMOBILE just beyond the bushes of a POOL in SOUTH FLORIDA. If this were a terrorist attack, this crowd had it coming.
Either there were no warning signs or roped off safety zones for any of the Dukes of Hazard-like mountaineer entrances, and their landing points and entryways were coincidentally spectator free, or Coors has some awesome editing software.

Takeaways:

Coors' corporate insurance company is pretty lax about liability exposure.
People are more impressed by events than products.
The Coors Light can is more impressive than its contents.
The most refreshing place on Earth has low standards.
Don't drink it. It tastes like the secret temperature.
"Where will it show up next?" Hopefully it shows up somewhere in dire need of refreshment; a place like Sudan. Instead of trying to make it “the most refreshing place on Earth” they could scale back and simply try to make it “a brief respite from heat, murder, rape, and malaria.”
Either Parachutes evaporate upon landing or Coors has awesome editing software.

Overall Message:

Buy Coors Light because they spend a fortune to give their product away for free.

Marketing Analysis: Miller Lite™

2013-08-17T20:15:00.001-07:00

Product: Miller Lite

Product Claims: None

Selling Point(s): Miller Time™ - The Coors Brewing Company has never officially defined what Miller Time is. Commercials imply that it is the time period when one drinks Miller™ beer and its commercials further imply that Miller Lite makes everything better. The reason it should be Miller Time instead of Coors™, Sam Adams™ , or even Jim Beam™ Time is never clarified. Taste is rarely, if ever, discussed in their commercials. This one states "it's not just a good time, its Miller Time" insinuating Miller Lite makes fun things better.

Premise: This commercial is a hypothetical scenario in which you are asked to imagine what it would be like to be friends with Chuck Liddell, for whom people regularly bend the rules. Being his friend would apparently enable you to:

Drink Miller Lite in a bar
Eat at a 5 star restaurant that requires reservations
Sit "closer" at a ball game
Get a table in a pool hall
Use flash photography in an art gallery
Watch Chuck Liddell ask to ride a dolphin

Implications:

The opening sequence implies one of three things:

Chuck Liddell is a God that can make beer appear from thin air merely by requesting it.
Bartenders lie about what beers are in stock for no apparent reason.
Bars save the Miller Lite exclusively for pseudo-celebrities.

Restaurants will gladly gamble their reputation and repeat business to serve Chuck Liddell and his gaggle of Joe T-shirts.
The gallery will just have Rembrandt paint a new Anatomy of Dr. Tulp.
Delphinophilia?
Business owners and workers would gladly fellate Chuck Liddell if he asked nicely.

Takeaways:

People should drink Miller Lite, not for taste, but because Chuck Liddell likes to hold them in hypothetical scenarios.
Retirement is not going the way Chuck Liddell hoped it would.
Chuck Liddell enjoys some pretty lame activities for someone that made a name for himself by punching people in the face.

Intentional Humor/Irony:

This commercial turns a tough MMA fighter into a highbrow aesthete and plays against the expectation that a man of his caliber would be in a brothel, casino, gentleman's club, or snorting coke off a table in an exclusive night club.
Though his actions in this commercial could be seen as manipulative, selfish, or passive-aggressive, Chuck Liddell is portrayed as being extremely polite for someone that made a name for himself by punching people in the face.

Unintentional Humor/Irony:

Despite the slogan, Miller Lite is not actually required for Miller Time. The characters are clearly only using the product in 50% of the situations covered in the commercial. Museums, aquariums, and fine dining, as depicted here, are clearly Miller Time despite a complete lack of Miller Lite.
It is possible that the commercial uses Chuck Liddell as a metaphor for Miller Lite but:

Anyone that has ever attempted to walk into a 5 star restaurant with a Miller Lite instead of a reservation can tell you, no, he's not a metaphor.
People that appreciate fine dining do not usually appreciate Miller Lite and vice versa. Football, yes. Escar-no.

Overall Message: Drink Miller Lite because Chuck Liddell does so in the imagination Coors created for you.

Bonus Irony: YouTube™ sold commercial space on this commercial. It requires the user to watch at least 5 seconds of a different commercial in order to watch a 32 second commercial. At the time of this writing, the first one is for Danimals™ yogurt and aimed at children.

American # 144858

2013-07-09T19:49:00.001-07:00

American # 144858

Profile

Age: 32

Gender: Male
Marital Status: Single

Occupation: Middle Management

Hobbies: Movies, Sports, Social Drinking, Arguing a Point

This is a transcript of American # 144858’s interview with an independent moderator for a study on the general public's understanding of current events. Names and locations have been deleted to protect privacy but the following transcript is unedited. Reader discretion is advised.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Begin Interview]

Moderator: Thank you Mr. [deleted] for taking the time to answer a few questions for us.

American: As long as you're paying me to do this the pleasure is all mine.

Moderator: What can you tell me about the ongoing NSA Scandal?

American: I don’t really see the big deal. I mean, athletes are entertainers and they should be allowed to take whatever they need to take to perform better. I mean, you know, we don’t care how many coke boogers Keith Richards has in his nose as long as he rips through Gimme Shelter flawlessly. Personally, I think home runs are fucking awesome and I don’t see why anyone wouldn't want to see more of them so -

Moderator: Sorry to interrupt you. I was actually referring to National Security Agency scandal in which former employee, Edward Snowden, leaked confidential documents proving the U.S. is actively collecting telephone and internet communication data on US citizens as well as the citizens and governments of both enemies and allies.

American: Man, that’s crazy! He was great in American History X. He worked for the government too?

Moderator: Are you familiar with the scandal at all?

American: Is this the CNN story I've been half paying attention to in the breakroom for weeks?

Moderator: Most likely. It has been a very hot topic in the media.

American: Besides what you just told me, I know very little.

Moderator: What do you know?

American: I know that...what's his name? Snowden? Yeah? Well, he told some English paper top secret information and now he’s hiding in Russia or some shit. You’d think he’d know the first and second rule of top secret information.

Moderator: And what is that?

American: You don't talk about top secret information. [chuckles] Fucking traitor.

Moderator: You admit that your only exposure to the story is through CNN. Did you develop the opinion that he is a traitor from its broadcasts?

American: I mean, I've seen the headlines on my phone but I don’t read the articles. I know he’s the subject of a worldwide manhunt. He wouldn't be on the run if he didn't do anything wrong, right?

Moderator: It would seem the jury is out on that. You see, he proved that the government is spying on its own citizens and allies. Many people feel that he has done a noble thing. Do you feel it is in the public interest to know that the government is spying on its citizens?

American: I really don’t see the big deal. I mean, people have Facebook and Twitter because they want everyone to know what they’re doing every second of the day. “Bobby is braiding his ass hair.” Who gives a shit? We’re all secretly hoping someone cares what we’re doing. It turns out the government does.

Also, if you’re not doing anything wrong, what does it matter? I do nothing but go to work, home, and hang out with friends. There’s nothing illegal about that.

Moderator: How would you feel if the government tracked and recorded all the pornographic websites you visit or how many times you call your mother, girlfriend, or mistress?

American: I’d be fucking pissed! I’m no criminal.

Moderator: Well, they may well be doing just that. Does that change your opinion of Mr. Snowden and his actions?

American: Wait. What exactly are they doing and why?

Moderator: They are not necessarily recording or listening phone calls but tracking and warehousing whom is calling whom, patterns, and what individuals are doing on the internet. Some see this as intrusive or a brash information age power grab. As far as the why, the official government answer is “National Security”.

American: Well, there you go then. Same as Bush said years ago.

Moderator: Yes, but under the Bush Administration we were told this program was only used to monitor suspected terrorists. Mr. Snowden has given us evidence to the contrary. If this program is intended to protect us from terrorists, what do you make of the Boston Marathon bombing?

American: Well, how could anyone have known that was even going to happen?

Moderator: From the NSA surveillance program.

American: What NSA surveillance program? This isn't Minority Report.

Moderator: [mumbles incoherently under breath then audibly] Moving on. With what you have learned today, what is your opinion of Edward Snowden? Is he a traitor or a hero?

American: I think he is a great actor. Maybe this is all a preparation for a new roll.

Moderator: That's doubtful since he isn't an actor at all. You said earlier that he’s a traitor. Are you aware of his background or reason for releasing this information?

American: [looking at phone]

[52 seconds of silence]

Moderator: Mr. [deleted], are you aware of Mr. Snowden’s background or reasoning for leaking the information?

American: Huh! Oh! All I know is he worked for the government and jeopardized our safety. I don’t really see why his reasoning matters.

Moderator: Some say it matters because he had nothing to gain by doing this. In fact, he has lost everything including his country. He only released information that is in the public interest and nothing that endangers Americans, our troops, or operatives throughout the world. He did this out of a sense of idealism.

American: The government wouldn't keep secrets unless it was in the public interest. Edward Norden took it upon himself to make us vulnerable. Stalin had ideals too. If what this guy did was okay he wouldn't be hiding in Russia. The news constantly talks about where he is and how the government can get him. It's a fucking real world Where's Waldo.

Moderator: That’s what I’m getting at. Do you feel the news should be talking more about the implications of this surveillance program or the manhunt?

American: Well, the manhunt is more interesting - like a movie, very dramatic. It's ironic he has to hide from the government in third world countries like Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk. [chuckles]

Moderator: Russia is hardly the third world. A few days ago the USA Today printed an article with the headline “Poll: Snowden Should be Prosecuted for NSA Leaks.” The article states that a “majority of Americans”, "54% of those polled", believe Snowden should be prosecuted. Were you asked to participate in this poll? If not, do you agree?

American: I don’t think I've ever participated in a poll that didn't have a stripper on it. [holds up hand for a high five but is left hanging] Yes, I agree. A majority of Americans can’t be wrong.

Moderator: This isn't truly a majority of Americans. It’s a slight majority of those polled. The article is misleading. Assuming it were an accurate number; do you feel that 54% is enough public opinion to slander someone’s good name?

American: Yes.

Moderator: Even though there would still be a large swath of the country that believes he did a good thing?

American: Look, if our media says he’s guilty, they've obviously checked their facts.

Moderator: Hypothetically, if an friend told you the government killed your baby, would you believe them?

American: That’s just crazy.

Moderator: Hypothetically, if Wolf Blitzer reported that the government killed your baby, would you believe him?

American: Again, they have to check their facts and they have that whole journalistic integrity thing. So, yeah.

Moderator: So Wolf Blitzer is more credible than your friends. Would you be angry at the government for killing your child?

American: Hell yes I would be angry! What kind of question is that? Of course, if the government killed my baby, it was probably a terrorist.

Moderator: One last hypothetical: if the media reported that Edward Snowden leaked documents that the government killed your baby when it wasn't, in fact, a terrorist, would you believe them and what would you think of Mr. Snowden?

American: Again, this is on the news, so yes I’d believe that Snowden said that. If the government actually did that my baby must have had it coming. As for Mr. Norden, the government classified my baby’s death for a reason so he should be tried to the fullest extent of the law.

Moderator: I notice you think the government always acts in the best interest of all Americans.. What was the last thing the federal government did to actually help you or your community?

American: They finally repaved Route [deleted]. That thing was a mess after that snowstorm.

Moderator: That would be your local government. What about the federal government?

American: [frowning in thought]

[silence]

American: That tax refund check.

Moderator: Are you referring to the one you received under the Bush Tax Cuts?

American: Yeah, it was a while ago.

Moderator: As a single man you received a check for $300 which averages out to less than one dollar per day of the year.

American: Hey, it was better than nothing. They didn't have to give us anything.

Moderator: What did you spend it on?

American: Hell, I don't remember!

Moderator: One final question. If the government happens to capture Edward Snowden, what should be his punishment?

American: I don’t know. Whatever it is we do to traitors. Just don’t make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he’s angry [chuckles].

Moderator: Yes, those movie references certainly don't get old. Well Mr. [deleted], thank you for your time and your candor. I wish I could say it has been a pleasure.

American: Thank you. Can I have my check now?

Moderator: Yes, the receptionist will take care of you.

[End Interview]

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Edward Snowden Profile

NSA Leaks and US Democracy

Poll: Snowden Should Be Prosecuted for NSA Leaks

Snowden Coverage

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