What's Holding You Back?

If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves. ~Thomas Edison

I got an email from a friend of mine yesterday asking for some help and advice. I won’t reprint the full email but a line in it jumped out at me:

I would love to connect with anyone you know who is looking for someone who is entrepreneurial-minded, has experience in project management, business development, online tech, and marketing. I’m looking for a salaried position with a company that cares about its employees.

This friend is a very sharp, hardworking person who is undoubtedly entrepreneurial-minded. That’s why the email troubled me. He’s looking “for a salaried position with a company that cares about its employees.”

Now, don’t mistake me here. I don’t have a problem with someone looking for a job – at all. In fact, I fully respect it. People need to provide for their families and that’s what my friend is doing.

What I wanted to know was what he was doing so that he could avoid this situation in the future. After addressing some of his other questions and needs, I added this to my email:

You mentioned that you’re “entrepreneurial-minded” and I’ve seen that first-hand. I know the feelings, desires and frustrations that go along with that. We’re cut from the same cloth. So, here’s my question: what are you passionate about that you could begin building a business around and what’s holding you back?

By the way, “lack of experience” doesn’t count. I used that one for too many years. Maybe your reason, deep-down is fear of failure. Also one I struggled with. But, I’m curious. An entrepreneur can remain an employee only so long before they begin to die inside from not following their God-given desires.

So, what should you be doing and what’s holding you back?

Whether it’s to be an entrepreneur, a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a photographer or something else, the point is the same: you can only suppress those God-given desires so long before you begin to die inside.

Deep inside, we know this. But instead of acting on that desire, we choose an alternate route that feels like a slow march to death. Sure, in the short run you’ve got to pay the bills. However, we let the short run turn into 5, 10, 15 or 20 years because we become complacent. We let things hold us back from something bigger and more meaningful for our lives.

So, what’s holding you back? Here’s a short list of some possibilities. No doubt there’s more, but these should get you started.

• Fear
• Doubt
• Procrastination
• Pride
• Insecurity
• Shame
• Laziness
• Blame (I have kids. I have a mortgage. I have a dog.)
• Finances/Debt
• Busyness

One final Thomas Edison quote to leave you with in honor of the man’s birthday:

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits. ~ Thomas Edison

But the truth is that the dream never really dies. It just gets shoved into a corner of your mind where it lingers as a constant reminder of what might have been – what could have been. We’ll never know. Or will we?

What’s impossible anyway? And who gets to decide?

Is it impossible for a guy who’s 5’7″ and 133 pounds to play professional basketball against guys who are 6’6″ and 235 pounds? Most people will tell you it is. But then you watch a guy like Spud Webb who didn’t just warm the bench of a professional basketball team but was a starter who ended up being the shortest person to ever win the NBA’s slam dunk contest. He then went on to coach Nate Robinson (who stood 5’9″) to win the event [picture above].

Impossible.

Or Muggsy Bogues who was 5’3″ tall and played professional basketball for 14 seasons. To this day, “he is the Hornets’ career leader in minutes played (19,768), assists (5,557), steals (1,067) and turnovers (1,118) and in assists per game (8.8) and assists per 48 minutes (13.5).” (Source: Wikipedia)

Impossible.

When Henry Ford told a room full of engineers that he wanted to create an engine with all 8 cylinders cast onto a single block, they replied, to a man, “That’s impossible.” After a year of trying (and failing), they returned and informed Ford that it was “impossible.” Ford forced them to press on. And now, it’s one of the most famous engines ever built.

Impossible.

How is it that all of these “impossible” events happened? The answer: they weren’t really impossible. It just took someone who believed in the possibility of it enough to press on in the face of opposition, fear, and doubt. Maybe, just maybe, what’s possible or impossible is not really up to anyone other than ourselves. If we believe it’s impossible – it will be. If we believe it’s possible – it will be.

“Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can acheive.” ~ Napoleon Hill

Don’t wait for others to tell you your dream is possible. Because, chances are good, they won’t. Not because they don’t love you or care about you or want the best for you. But because, to them, it’s impossible – they couldn’t do what you’re trying to do.

Nobody can. Your dream is unique to you. It was given to you – designed for you – by God based on your gifts, talents, skills, and passions. It wasn’t created for them, but for you. So why should it be possible for them?

The only question that really matters is this: Do you believe it’s possible?

“As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.” ~ Proverbs 23:7

What do you think in your heart? I know what I think. Don’t settle for impossible.

Photo credit: Unknown. Will gladly give credit if I can.

I'd rather love what I do than love what I drive

Without missing a beat, I replied with this:

I’d rather love what I do than love what I drive.

As much as I loved my Denali [pictured above], it was just a truck. It didn’t (and couldn’t) provide any long term satisfaction for me. In a few short years, it would be “old” and would begin to be a financial drain on us.

There’s nothing wrong with nice cars. I like nice cars. Lisa and I had made a choice though – we wanted to scale back our lifestyle so that I could pursue full time entrepreneurship and self-employment. The truck was the last hold out in the string of things being sold off.

It was also that last piece of debt that we had and, to tell you the truth, it felt great. The payment on that thing was oppressive. We had already sold our house, paid off our credit cards, sold my motorcycle, paid off our other car (which we still have), cut up our credit cards, and moved into a two-bedroom apartment which we lived in for a year.

You Have the Same Choice

One of the more frustrating phrases I hear from people is this: “I can’t afford to start my own business. I’ve got a family to provide for. You don’t have kids yet. When you do, you’ll understand.” Meanwhile, they’ve got two car payments, a mortgage, and balances on their credit cards.

No. Truly I won’t understand.

The problem isn’t their family or the presence of kids. No, it’s their unwillingness to sacrifice.

We don’t like to sacrifice. We want it all. We deserve it all. At least that’s what we believe. So when push comes to shove, we spend rather than save.

I often ask people who “can’t afford to start their own business” why they don’t scale back their lifestyle. The typical response is, “My wife/husband wouldn’t allow it.” The second is “We’ve got two kids, so we need this house and big, oversized SUV with the DVD system in the back and nav system in the front.”

Whatever. It’s all excuses. They want it all right now and so they’ll rent a lifestyle and then complain about being dissatisfied in their jobs. Meanwhile, they have the power to change their circumstances but they don’t have the courage.

It takes courage.

You have a choice too. It’s the start of 2011 and you’ve got resolutions (or, if you’re a reader of this blog, you have a vision for your life and you’ve got goals). But, in order to reach your goals, you’re going to have to sacrifice. There is never any success without sacrifice. Ever.

• If you want to lose weight, you’ll have to sacrifice the sweets. You’ll also have to sacrifice some sleep in order to wake up early and exercise.
• If you want to quit smoking, you’ll have to sacrifice the emotional feelings smoking gives you. You may even have to sacrifice some friendships.
• If you want to get out of debt, you’ll have to sacrifice “stuff” and cut up your credit cards.
• If you want to start a business, you’ll have to sacrifice things like sleep, time with your family, and maybe even your home.

But it’s worth it because those things have lasting value. The stuff doesn’t. The newness wares off, the shine fades, and that emotional high is replaced by the longing for something “newer and better.”

We often make resolutions (or goals for that matter) without regard to what we’re going to have to sacrifice to achieve them. A smoker doesn’t think about the friendships they may have to set aside for a period of time. An entrepreneur doesn’t think about the loss of time with family or the late nights. A person who resolves to “be better with my finances” doesn’t think about how many times they are going to have to say “no” to intense temptations from friends to go to a movie or grab dinner.

What will you sacrifice for your goals?

In order to truly be successful with a resolution or goal, you have to decide at the outset what you’re going to sacrifice. It’s surprisingly simple to make flippant resolutions such as “I want to lose weight” or “I want to quit smoking.” I probably “quit” smoking 15 times before I actually quit. It wasn’t until I decided what I was going to sacrifice (exposure to friends who were avid smokers) that I was finally able to quit.

Lisa and I have sacrificed a lot of “stuff” that most people work their entire lives to get so that I could start my own company. But I will tell you that we’re happier and more fulfilled as a result.

So, now that you’ve got your goals or resolutions, tell me, what are you going to sacrifice to accomplish them? Decide now. Because if you don’t, in the heat of the moment, when you’re emotionally drained, chances are good that you won’t make the right decision.

Photo courtesy of Victor Bezrukov

The word "no" can be a powerful thing if you learn to use it properly.

I have a confession to make. I have a bad habit that I’ve been struggling with for years. It is something so small, yet so pervasive that it can slowly wreak havoc on your life. It can affect your health, your happiness and your overall well-being.

I am plagued with the inability to say no.

It’s true. I’m a yes person. I’m not quite sure how this happened exactly. Perhaps it’s genetic. After all, my Mother rarely said no growing up. She wore many hats (and still does) – she balanced four kids, church events, and school activities, all while helping my Dad on the farm.

Or, maybe my struggle with saying no comes from working at a long line of jobs where we always said yes, no matter how impossible the task or time frame.

No matter where this habit came from, I have seen the challenges it can create and the difficult effects it can have on your life.

The Trouble With Yes

Yes, I’ll bake cookies for the bake sale.
Yes, I’ll volunteer my services for your project.
Yes, I’ll go to lunch and let you pick my brain.
Yes, I’ll host the party at my house.
Yes, I’ll write a guest post for your blog.

Wait a minute. This sounds good, right? Not exactly. The problem with constantly saying yes is that it can leave you tired, burnt out, frustrated and can give you an overall feeling that you’ve been used. It’s like everyone keeps taking from your well of resources and then there’s not a drop left for you.

The more you say yes, the less joy you have in doing the things you agreed to do. Think about it. When you say yes to everything, it has a trickle down effect. Your schedule becomes packed and you start running out of time to cross off all of the items on your to-do list. You forego some sleep and work later into the evening to get everything done. Maybe you quit exercising or you sacrifice time with your family or friends so you can squeeze in one more activity. You become resentful because you are giving so much, but feel you’re getting nothing in return.

You see the trouble here?

Why You Should Say “No”

So, why is it so important to start saying no?

Because it allows you to say YES to the things that really matter.

Let me repeat that – Saying no allows you to say yes to the things that are truly important to you like your family, friends, hobbies, and things that make you happy.

If you’re like me, you love to give. It gives you great joy to help others. And, we love the response we get from others when we do it. Those are all good things.

However, saying yes is easy. It gives you instant gratification – like eating a candy bar now and regretting it later.

Saying no is much harder because we don’t like to disappoint people. We don’t want to ruffle feathers and we hate confrontation. But if we want to grow, to move forward and not settle for the status quo, we have to learn how to do it.

With my marketing business, I have a principle for determining when to take on a new client. I choose to only work with people I enjoy and businesses I believe in. Does that mean I will say no to some potential clients that come my way? Sure. But, that allows me to work with businesses I’m excited to help, which means I will give each client my best and be able to really make a difference for them.

When to Say “No”

How do you determine how or when to say no? Here are three questions you should ask yourself before saying yes:

1. Will it help you reach your goals?

When an opportunity presents itself, consider the vision you have for your life. Ask yourself how this activity will impact your journey to get where you want to be. Although we shouldn’t always think about what’s in it for ourselves, we should also avoid taking on things that will prevent us from accomplishing our goals.

2. Will it give me joy?

Oftentimes, we agree to take on tasks because we feel obligated to. Don’t. This will only make you resent the task or the person who asked you. Say ‘yes’ when you are excited to do so. You’ll be much happier to do the task that way.

3. Do I have the time?

If you truly don’t have the time to take on one more activity, speak up. Be honest and let the person know if you don’t have time. Or mention that you would like to help, but at a later time. Agreeing to do something that you don’t have the time to do will drain your energy and you’ll be on the fast track to burnout.

Saying “No” Gracefully

Even if you have determined that you should say no to something, it’s much harder to actually pull the trigger. However, there are a few things you can do to say no respectfully:

• Thank the person for thinking of you. If someone has asked for your assistance, it means they respect you and your abilities. Acknowledge that and thank the person for asking.
• Explain why you’re saying “no.” You don’t have to offer a lengthy explanation, but let the person know why you’re declining. This helps the person better understand your situation so they know your time constraints or priorities the next time around as well.
• Offer an alternative. Suggest someone else who can help or provide another resource for where they can find assistance. You are still being helpful if you can suggest a way to meet the person’s needs, even if that person isn’t you.

Admittedly, I haven’t perfected the art of saying no, but this is something I am working on so I achieve the life I want for myself and my family. Learning to say no is a big part of that as it will allow me to be healthier, happier, and more focused in life.

Do You Have Trouble Saying “No”?

What about you? Do you struggle with saying no? When is it hardest for you to say no? Is saying yes too much holding you back? Share your thoughts and questions and let’s tackle this together!

What's Your Paris?

In all honesty, I really wasn’t looking forward to it. We were only getting about four hours of total time in Paris which is like being dropped in New York City and being told to “enjoy all the city has to offer.” It’s impossible.

Additionally, never having been to any part of France before, I wasn’t expecting much from the people. I’d heard they didn’t care much for Americans and were rather rude. All-in-all, I was going to Paris on that first stop because I figured we’d regret it if we didn’t at least see it, but I wasn’t expecting to have much fun.

Can you guess how that visit to Paris turned out? It was awful. I didn’t enjoy it at all and I was in a lousy mood for most of the four hours. I thought the people were rude and thought the city was overrated. I couldn’t wait to get back on the bus and back to the ship. Paris turned out to be exactly what I expected.

Fast forward about three years and we had the opportunity to return to Paris. I really wanted to give the city another opportunity so, before our trip, I spoke to people who absolutely love Paris. I listened to stories from people who had wonderful experiences. I asked for their personal highlights and for the best things to do and see.

I decided to learn a few key phrases in French. I imagined Lisa and I sitting at a sidewalk café and strolling down old, cobblestone streets. I imagined us sitting on a picnic blanket on the lawn in front of the Eiffel Tower with a bottle of wine and a basket of breads and cheeses for dinner.

When we finally arrived in Paris, we fell in love with the city. In fact, it’s now my favorite city in the world (at least of those I’ve visited). The people were wonderful, the city was beautiful, and the experience was absolutely magical. So much so that we wished we had stayed a few extra days. I’m longing to return there soon.

Did Paris Change?

Here’s the obvious question: Did Paris change?

Of course not. Paris was the same city during the second trip as it was during the first trip. Nothing was measurably different except for my attitude.

This is the principle that I sincerely hope you apply to your life: You can’t live beyond your attitude and your beliefs. Period. It’s impossible.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” ~ Proverbs 23:7

In other words, what you believe to be true will be true. If you think something will suck, it will. If you think a person is going to be a jerk, they will be. If you think a job will be miserable, it will be.

Unfortunately, we often mistake cause and effect. We usually think our negative feelings are the result of a bad situation or person when, often, it’s just the opposite. Our negative feelings are causing the situation or the relationship to worsen.

What’s Your Paris?

Chances are good that you have your own Paris. There’s a situation, a person, a place, a job, or something else that “sucks” precisely because you’ve made it that way through your attitude.

I encourage you to take some time to own up to your faulty beliefs and poor attitude. Don’t blame anything or anyone but yourself. Just own it. Then, figure out what you could do differently to change the situation, job, relationship, or experience.

You may just discover what I did: Incredible opportunities and experiences are always found on the other side of an attitude adjustment.

Share Your Thoughts

Have you ever had a Paris experience? What was it? What happened when you changed your attitude? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Panoramas

Life is like a maze. Learn to hack it.

So let me share with you the 4 Reasons Life is Like a Maze – Plus 3 Simple Ways to Hack It.

#1 – Starting is Easy

Starting a maze is really quite simple – just walk into it. Done. Getting out? Now that takes a bit of work.

Life is similar – we enter into new things quite easily. Relationships, projects, marriages, having kids, buying a house, etc. We start these new “adventures” as we like to call them often with very little thought, planning or wisdom.

It’s only once we’ve started that we realize the second similarity mazes have with life…

#2 – Finishing is Difficult

Woody Allen is one of the most successful (if not a little nutty) filmmakers in recent times. He once said this:

80% of success is showing up.

Most people quit when things get difficult. They often quit right before they break through to the next level. Think of it this way: it’s easier to back track in a maze and walk back out of the entrance than it is to push forward and find the prize or the finishing point. And that’s the choice that so many make – they stop showing up.

“A soul that is close to despair doesn’t know that it’s already standing on the brink, beyond which there lies a new path” -St. Barsanuphius

Don’t quit. Don’t settle.

#3 – There Is No Straight Line

You know the old saying “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line?” You can pretty much throw that out with both mazes and life. They don’t exist. If there was a straight line that got everyone to where they want to be, a lot more people would find success.

Instead, you’re going to make wrong turns. You’re going to hit dead ends. You’re going to backtrack. The sooner you realize and accept this, the sooner you’ll be able to mentally prepare for the game. You’ll start to learn from your mistakes instead of wallow in them. You’ll also look for ways of minimizing the mistakes instead of just wandering around “hoping” you find the goal.

#4 – The More Frustrated You Become, The Less Progress You Make

Have you ever watched a child working on a complicated puzzle or maze? What happens when they hit a few dead ends? They get frustrated. What happens when they get frustrated? They make more mistakes. Some even head down the same path that got them into the dead end in the first place.

This is an area that I sometimes struggle with. When things don’t go according to my plan, I sometimes become frustrated and disappointed. These emotions cloud my judgement and block my progress. Instead of getting frustrated, I need to take time to pause and reflect about what happened and how I’m going to adjust my plans accordingly. It’s a conscious decision I have to make and it’s part of the reason I have people to hold me accountable.

Hacking The Maze

As with all games, there are ways to “hack” the maze of life or make it easier on yourself. These are methods that are employed by people who are successful in life – and not just in the area of finances.

Hack #1 – Begin With The End In Mind

I’ve written a lot about this principle on DON’T SETTLE. We’ve walked through How to Create a Vision For Your Life which is simply beginning with the end in mind.

You see, a maze is much easier to complete when you work back from the end goal. We learned this principle as kids. Instead of starting at the beginning and trying to figure out how to get to the goal, we learned to do the maze in reverse. Unfortunately, we don’t often apply this principle to life. Instead, we strike off into our lives assuming we’ll “figure it out as we go along.”

This is short-sighted and creates unnecessary problems because we have no definite aim or direction for our lives. Those who begin with the end in mind are far more likely to reach a goal or a destination than those who don’t.

Hack #2 – Look Up Regularly

In other words, check your progress. In a “real” maze, you have no idea where the exit is since you’re likely to be walled in. You won’t be able to see beyond the section of the maze you’re currently standing in.

In life, the walls are generally low enough to peer over. Unfortunately, most people go through life looking down at where they currently are and forget to look up to see if they’re making progress. In the maze of life, you get to keep the goal in sight and even look around the maze to try to find the quickest route.

You can measure your progress against your goals and determine if you’re moving in the right direction. Sure, there will times where you’ll make some mistakes and take the wrong paths, but you’ll also drastically reduce your wrong turns and course corrections.

Hack #3 – Ask For Help From Others In The Maze

“Nobody knows what I’m going through.” Yeah, right.

The interesting thing about the maze of life is that others are in the maze with you. Some are where you want to be. Others want to be where you are. And still others are right beside you. Yet people often don’t ask for help. We don’t seek to partner with people, help other people, and find guidance from those further along the path that we’re on.

This is a mistake. There is someone further along the journey who is more than willing to tell you which turns to take and which to avoid. All you have to do is ask.

Failing to ask for help is like being lost on a road trip and refusing to pull over to ask for directions. As a guy, I don’t like to admit when I’m lost. But if I want to get where I’m going, I will need the help of others.

If you need some ideas of where to start, check out the post on 5 Groups of People Who Can Help You Succeed.

Are You Lost in the Maze of Life?

How’s your progress through the maze going? Are you moving along quickly? Are you hitting a lot of dead ends? Share your experiences, ideas, and tips in the comment section below so we can all learn together.

Image courtesy of kelp1966

You need to take deliberate steps to your vision

Before the Thanksgiving weekend, I issued a challenge to the DON’T SETTLE community. The challenge was to create a written vision for how they want their lives to look in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years. I also followed that up with a post on the 7 key areas of life your written vision should include.

If you followed my challenge and created a vision for your life, you’re now ready to move on to the next step. (Note: even if you’re still working on it, I encourage you to read ahead so you know what’s coming next.)

Visions Are Incomplete

The problem with a vision statement is that, on it’s own, it’s incomplete. In fact, this is where most people stop when creating “goals” for themselves. They know what they want to happen, but they have little to no idea how to get there.

I want to start a business is a wish or a dream. It’s not a goal. It’s not even a path. In reality, it’s a destination. We need destinations; they’re important to our success. But we must not mistake them for goals.

Your Vision is Your Destination

I remember the first time we went to Europe. It had been a dream of mine for quite some time. Of every place we were going to travel, Rome was the city I was most excited about seeing.

I had a vision of Lisa and I walking through the ancient ruins and cobblestone streets, drinking coffee in sidewalk cafés, and eating incredible Italian meals.

By itself, though, this was just a dream. We needed to begin planning out steps that would actually move us closer to the destination. We began by examining our vision and working backwards from there.

• In our vision of Rome, it wasn’t cold and raining, but it wasn’t too hot either. We also didn’t feel like fighting large crowds during the busy months. This meant we would need to plan a trip for late spring or early fall.
• In our vision, we were within walking distance of the majority of attractions. This meant we had to pick a hotel that made attractions accessible on foot.
• In our vision, we had romantic dinners on a plaza. That meant we needed to do some research to find both plazas and romantic restaurants with good food.
• And so on…

You see, once we knew what we wanted out of our trip, we could make plans to increase the chances of us actually experiencing those things as we envisioned.

Life works much the same way. If you’ve created a vision for 5-20 years out, you’re now in a position to begin making plans for getting there.

Creating Your Path to Success

We love instant gratification. That’s why our first action once we have a vision is to try to create a list of things we need to start doing immediately.

But that’s not the best step to take at this point. Why?

There are a lot of paths that will get you to your destination and you need to spend some time thinking through them. Instead of jumping immediately into your to-do list, take some time to think about what the logical milestones (or stepping stones) are between where you want to be and where you are now.

Let me give you an example.

Suppose that in your vision you wrote that you want to be a published author. There are a number of milestones you need to keep in mind. I find it best to work backward from the goal:

Goal: Book Gets Published
Milestone: Final revision submitted
Milestone: Draft submitted
Milestone: Final chapter written
Milestone: First chapter written
Milestone: Book proposal accepted
Milestone: Book proposal written
Milestone: Sample chapter written
Milestone: Outline created
Milestone: Idea brainstorming

There are probably better milestones than these for getting a book published (especially if the book if fictional). But that’s not the point. What is the point is that most people who have the dream of writing a book think that the first step is to sit down and write. It’s not. The first step is to figure out what the actual steps are.

The Maze of Life

I remember when I was a kid and our family would go to a restaurant that had “kids menus.” Those menus and a few crayons would keep us occupied through dinner. Nearly every one of those menus included a maze to work through. I remember the first time my dad told me that the best way to complete a maze was to work backward from the the middle of the maze. All of sudden, mazes weren’t that difficult. In fact, they were so easy they became a joke.

Some people might think it’s easier to work in chronological order as opposed to reverse chronological order. And you’re free to do that in much the same way that you’re free to work on a maze from the expected starting point. However, you should be aware that doing so may cause more false starts and direction changes. This can lead to frustration and cause you to give up to quickly.

In my example above, “Write the book” might have been used as the first step. However, that would be a mistake and would set the person off on the wrong course. This would be like saying “book the flight” is the first step in going to Rome. It’s a critical step, but it’s not the first step.

Your Next Challenge

Now that you have your vision, it’s time to create your own Path to Success. Take the different elements of your vision and break them down into major milestones.

A word of caution: You don’t need to write down every action you’ll ever need to make. In our book example, I could have written “Write chapter 2″, “Write chapter 3″, and so on. But those are implied in between writing the first chapter and writing the last chapter.

All we want here are major milestones. Once you have major milestones, it will be easier to break them down into yearly, monthly, weekly or daily action items.

So here’s your challenge: in the next 5 days, create a Path to Success for each of the major items in your vision. What are the major steps along the path toward starting that business? What are the major steps along the path to running a marathon? What are the major steps along the path to having a successful marriage? What are the major steps along the path to becoming financially independent or retiring?

My offer to you: If you’re having difficulty thinking of the major steps, or if you’d like me to review your steps, leave a comment below with your vision (destination) and the steps you’ve currently got in place and I’ll help you work through them in the comments.

We all need support in our lives.

Where you find that help is critical to your success so I want to share with you five groups of people that successful people look to for support.

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” – Charles “Tremendous” Jones

Group #1 – Family

Family support is important in our lives. We want to be loved and supported by those we care about. When you’re working on a career change, a diet and exercise program, or a lifestyle change, having your family’s support is ideal. They’ve seen us at our best and our worst and love us in spite of ourselves.

Family can be one of our greatest resources. Try to find family members who have done what you’re trying to do and ask for their advice and counsel. You’ll be surprised at how willing they are to share and help you.

Unfortunately, some family members can actually harm our progress. Let me explain.

If you’ve ever watched the television show “The Biggest Loser,” you’ll notice that they often have family members competing on the show together. Why? Because they got fat together. They encouraged each other to move down a dangerous road and used the negative effects of peer pressure and acceptance to end up where they are.

Often, when you go to make a change for the positive, there will be family members who will work against you. It’s not because they don’t like you or want the best for you (though, occasionally that’s the case). It’s that your upward movement shines a light on their unwillingness to change. There’s an entire post in the psychology behind this. So, suffice it to say, you need to be aware of positive family members as opposed to toxic family members.

This doesn’t mean that you necessarily cut the person from your life. Instead, you need to prepare yourself for negative feedback and criticism and push ahead in spite of it. Create healthy boundaries and let them know that you’d like their support but that you’re making a change whether they approve or not. And then be prepared to limit contact at times.

By the way, if you’re married, spouses are handled differently. But that’s a post for a different time.

Group #2 – Friends

See “Support From Family” above and pretty much replace the word “family” with “friends.” It’s the same thing here.

Only here’s a big difference: you get to pick your friends. If your friends are a terrible influence on you or are negative about your choices, find new friends. It sounds harsh but it’s true. I don’t have time in my life for people who are going to try to drag me down. Life is difficult enough as it is without negative people in my life dropping their crap in my lap.

So, while you usually can’t avoid your family (though you can limit exposure), you can – and should – drop “friends” from your life who are toxic. Then, replace them with people who will speak encouragement and support into your life because you will need it.

Note: this is not to say that when friends are going through a difficult time, you shed them from your life. I’m referring to pessimistic, negative people who don’t have a positive thing to say about anything.

Group #3 – Mentors

If you want to start a business, find a mentor who has successfully started a business. Your friend who works in a cubicle may be a nice guy, but he shouldn’t be your business mentor.

This applies to all areas of life. Want a successful marriage? Find someone with a successful marriage to mentor you. Want to run a marathon? Talk to someone who has run a marathon to find out how they did it. Don’t take advice from people who haven’t done what you’re trying to do.

In a future post, we’ll examine ways to go about finding mentors in different areas of your life.

Group #4 – Shared Interest/Support Group

We often don’t realize how much we need the support of others until we fail at an attempt to “go it alone.” You’re only alone if you choose to be. There are a lot of people trying to do the same things you are.

Sites like Meetup.com, Facebook and Twitter can help you get connected with others who are on the same journey as you. Also, check your local clubs, organizations, or churches for groups that they know about. Ask around.

When I launched my business, I formed a group of fellow entrepreneurs that meets weekly to encourage and challenge each other. Creating that group has been one of the most valuable decisions I’ve made. They keep me going, hold me accountable, and inspire me to be better than I would be otherwise.

Group #4 – Coaches

Sometimes, you need to seek the advice and counsel of a coach – someone who is not a friend or family member and who will hold you accountable.

A coach is kind of a cross between a mentor and a counselor. They provide you with the tools, resources, inspiration and action steps you need to make progress. A fitness trainer is a coach. A financial counselor is a coach. There are coaches for all areas of life.

It may take time to find the right coach and the right personality fit. Just keep at it. Ask around for referrals from friends or family members you trust.

I recently had a client who, in a moment of exasperation, exclaimed, “Man, you’re not letting me off the hook!” I quickly replied, “You’re not paying me to let you off the hook!”

That’s what you should look for in a coach: someone who doesn’t let you off the hook.

Group #5 – Counselors

Unfortunately, there’s a stigma in our society about going to see a counselor. Look, we’re all jacked up. So if we can just get over ourselves and admit we need help in certain areas, life would be a lot better.

I’ve had great counselors and crappy counselors so be careful with this one and don’t be afraid to try out a few. A good counselor (like a good coach) will not look at you as a life-long meal ticket. Their job is to get you to the point where you don’t need them anymore. Period.

That doesn’t mean you won’t need an occasional check up or session with a coach or counselor, but if 3 years down the road you’re still working through the same issues, fire your counselor.

I’m a big advocate of good counseling.

Where Do You Find Your Support?

There are a lot of ways to get the support you need in your life. These are just a few of them. Which have you found to be the best sources of support and inspiration in your life? Which have not worked out so well?

Please share you thoughts below so that we can all learn!

Did you know that today is “National Entrepreneurs Day”? It’s actually the first ever Entrepreneurs Day and I’m honored to share it with you, the DON’T SETTLE community.

In honor of this day, I thought it would be fun to do an Open Forum. I’ll pose a question and you answer it in the comment section below. Pretty easy, right?

Open Forum Question
Given that it’s Entrepreneurs Day, have you ever thought about starting your own business? What would you do? What’s holding you back?

By the way, if you’re an entrepreneur, do me a favor and tell me about your company below. What’s the name, website and elevator pitch? Share it with the community!

(Note: Thanks to Grasshopper Group for their work on getting this instituted!)

There are 7 areas your life's vision should include.

If you’re going to work on creating a vision for your life, it helps to know the areas of life you need to think about during the process. So I’ve put together this list of the 7 key areas of life that every vision (or life plan) should include.

You can get more detailed, but you should at least cover these seven areas. These are not in any particular order and you’re free to rearrange them as you see fit.

1. Career

You’re going to spend about 1/3 of your adult life working. That’s a lot of time. Wouldn’t it be cool if you actually enjoyed your work and looked forward to it on most days?

Depending on the study you look at, anywhere between 55-75% of workers are dissatisfied with their jobs. Chances are good that you may even be one of those people. So if you’re going to spend time working on a life plan, spend some serious time thinking about what it is you’d like to spend 1/3 of your life doing and where you might be the most satisfied.

Dissatisfaction with your career can create problems in all areas of your life. Knowing where you’d like to be can help you devise a plan to get there.

2. Financial

Most people have some sort of financial goal in the back of their minds. Yet how many people actually create a plan to achieve it? Very few.

Maybe you want to be a millionaire; maybe you don’t – there’s nothing wrong with either desire. But do you know how much you need to make to do the things you want to do in life? Do you know how much you need to make to give more, save more, or start your business? Do you want to get out of debt or payoff your student loan in 5 years? Do you want to buy a house?

Write this stuff down as part of your vision.

3. Physical

We get one body and most of us abuse it – then we wonder why we feel like crap. I smoked for years (I quit about 18 months ago). I didn’t exercise (I still struggle with this one a bit). I didn’t eat healthy food. I didn’t get enough sleep.

How do you want your health to be different in 5, 10, or 20 years? Do you want to be slimmer? Do you want to lower your cholesterol? Do you want to train for and compete in a marathon? Do you want to quit smoking or drinking?

4. Family

When life gets busy or overwhelming, it’s our families that often suffer. We take their time and give it to our jobs or some other obligation that isn’t as important as they are.

If you want a strong family, you need to make it a point to write out what you want your family life to look like. Do you want a better marriage? Write that down. Do you want better-behaved kids? Write that down. Do you want to take two vacations each year with your family? You guessed it – write it down.

Maybe you’re single and want to find that perfect spouse. Write that down.

We’ll get to how to make these things happen. For now, just write them down.

5. Self-Improvement/Personal Development

The goal of this area is to grow as an individual through learning. Sadly, most people believe that education stops at graduation. In reality, we must keep learning if we are to grow as people and have successful marriages, relationships, and careers.

One of the best ways to do this is to read one non-fiction book per month (about 30 minutes each day). If you have a long commute or are in the car a lot, consider listening to audio books or podcasts that are more than just entertainment news and gossip.

Do you want to learn a new skill? This is a great place to focus on anything new you want to pick up in the 5, 10, or 20 years.

Consider using this section to focus on finding people who can mentor your (or who you can mentor).

6. Social

Do you want to make more friends? Do you want to surround yourself with better influences? Do you want to be involved in more community or church-related groups? If you’re interested in learning a new skill, perhaps it would be a good idea to join a group of like-minded people who are doing what you want to learn.

7. Spiritual

In my life plan, this section comes first since it forms the lens through which I understand and prioritize the other six areas. Do you want to spend more time in prayer and mediation? Do you want to grow in your understanding of your faith through reading faith-based books? Do you want to read scripture more often? You could also mention church involvement here instead of in the Social section.

We are spiritual beings and we shouldn’t neglect this section of our life plan.

Avoiding Flat Tires

A number of books and resources call the entirety of these seven areas “the wheel of life” and depict it as a circle with seven equally-shaped pie pieces. The point is to show that you need a healthy amount of each area for a healthy life.

If you neglect one or more areas for too long, you’ll get a flat tire. If you’ve ever had a flat tire on your car, you’ll understand the anology: you won’t be going anywhere until you get it fixed. Everything comes to a halt.

You must make each area a priority in your life and devise a plan for how you intend to make progress in them. Growth is intentional – it doesn’t just happen. We’ll be diving into how to create the goals you’ll need to accomplish these things in future posts. For now … just write it all down.

Share Your Thoughts

Do you have these areas in your life plan? Do you have other areas not listed here? Share them with the community in the comments below!