Our Beautiful Messy Life

Ten on Ten- what, I'm still here? I am.

2014-09-10T21:28:00.001-05:00

I almost made it too :)

we can do things

2014-06-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

you have a kid and the world literally stops. he is your first and you are thrust into this foreign world of sleep deprivation and poop and leaking boobs and you sink or swim for a few weeks or even months. and somewhere in there, you discover that even though you are no longer "you" but instead a you plus one, somebody has to get some groceries. you plus one plan your trip with a dedication that rivals your professional board exam prep... you have 13 spare onsies and 14 diapers, a pacifier that he has never taken to, 3 burp cloths and an extra mom shirt. the car seat stands ready. he has eaten. he has been thoroughly burped and changed. you are ready.
you drive to the store. park. pray.
you plus one can do this.
you leave him in the carseat because he fell asleep on the way and there is no way you are going to risk waking him. it is the quickest trip ever- no list- no coupons- minimal eye contact with strangers. when he makes a small peep, your heart races, ready for the screams.
somehow, you make it through and walk back to the car. the sky is blue and the birds are singing and you realize that you plus one can leave the house alone. you can sorta do things just like you used to.

then you have baby 2 and you panic at the thought of taking the two of them anywhere. you avoid the grocery store because you plus two is a whole different ballgame. baby 1 is now a toddler and nobody wants to see him in a tantrum. but then out of necessity, you again join society. you toss a spare diaper in your purse, but nothing else because moms of 2 are known to live dangerously. you wear baby girl in a sling and push toddler boy in the cart. you might fend off a few moments of panic, but eventually it is no big thing. life goes on. you plus 2 are rockstars.

then comes baby 3. three kids.
this changes things because you only have 2 hands.

BUT IT IS SUMMER
and kid 1 and 2 are bored. already.

you have successfully navigated the store 3 or 4 times alone with the wolf pack in tow. you didn't even take your bag with you because the store is right down the street and if baby 3 poops all over her clothes, you wouldn't want to drag them all into the bathroom anyway. you get adventurous and hit the library. it goes okay- nobody kicks you out so you dream big. maybe you plus 3 can go big places this summer and no one will throw tantrums or run into traffic or rip your top down and demand to be fed.
maybe...

mary, mary, quite contrary

2014-05-29T10:09:00.002-05:00

once upon a time there was a house.
and the house had no landscaping and the lady of the house just wanted some flowers and trees and privacy.

and the years went by and she planted and planted.
some trees fell down, some gardens were neglected, but by and large the flowers grew. the bushes grew. the plants grew. and the lady was happy and the house smiled.

and one day, the lady decided she wanted some lilies and purchased them end of season in hopes that they would surprise her the following spring when they burst from the earth.
instead, they surprised her husband who forgot they were there and weed whacked them down before they would realize their potential. and then again the following spring and the lady was sad. but they were just a few flowers among a yard full of life and so she looked forward to the third spring.

finally after many days of rain and frost on a fine May day, the lilies peeked from the ground, the tips bright green, the buds healthy and ready to show off the beautiful fruits of 3 years growth. the husband was careful to let them live and the lady was ripe with anticipation of her lily border finally springing forth.

and then while her attention was elsewhere, her 4 year old suddenly pulled them up by the roots to add to her "collection"

and the lady was sad.
maybe next year...

tears will fill a river to ferry my heart

2014-05-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

today was the kids' first official day "off" from school. i feel like i should go ahead and jump head first into summer fun, but i am just not there yet. aaron went to a Cardinal game, i was generally crabby, and the kids were a weensy bit challenging.
bedtime whack-a-mole was especially lengthy with one and then the other popping back out...
"love you mom"
"night mom"
"see you in the morning mom"
all set to me gritting my teeth trying not to scream at them to get the hell back to bed.

and then tears. from A this time, not me, though I could've cried too.

i wandered back into her room and she was sobbing.
"what's the matter?"
"i just lo-oo-oo-ve you (hiccup). i don't want you to die"

she was so sad.
in fact, she has been so preoccupied with this lately that it is starting to freak me out a little. Maybe i should get some tests run...

i just held her and told her i am not dying and when eventually (hopefully in the very distant future) i am gone, i will always be in her heart.
she cried and cried (and so did baby S from the other room because it was feeding time) and i just wanted to freeze time. there i sat with her little arms around my neck, her tear-stained face buried in my shoulder, asking "will you always be with me?" and i fast forwarded to a teenage A who wonders "why won't mom leave me alone?"

i can only hope i don't forget what her beautiful face looks like at 4 precious years old with fat tears stuck to her longer than long lashes, her tangled, pink princess night gown, and her down-turned mouth saying how much she loves me.
because even when she is pushing me away and demanding independence she will always be with me.

pull the fluffy covers up to your chin

2014-05-23T16:12:00.001-05:00

every morning, N growls at me, snarls and yells. pulls the covers over his head and declares his undying hatred for school (the same school he happily skips to once we leave the house). he is a BEAR in the morning. i am too- it is not a pretty confrontation. every morning i struggle at 7 to spring them from sleep and into the day.

UNLESS THAT DAY PROMISES SUMMER BREAK.
hell no.
go. back. to bed.

it was 6 freaking am. i was in and out having woken at 5:15 to nurse S- basically just waiting to shut off my 6:15 alarm. i was getting up to shower and have a few minutes of me time before the daily madness. except they beat me to the alarm! both of them clopping down the stairs at 6 am- awake and chipper.

welcome to summer.

birth story #3 <--- how do i have 3 kids already?!?

2014-04-25T18:31:00.003-05:00

For my friends and family who have asked.
It took awhile to get this written...

Weeks of pre-labor... Not long or hard pre-labor, but still.
Contractions for weeks.
I expected it this time since I had it with Aila, welcomed it actually since my last labor fared so well. But... contractions for weeks will wear you down. Kids will wear you down.
Every night, I'd tuck my cuties into bed Then go sit in mine- heating pad, IPad, Olympics... Check, check and check. Contractions, cramping, exhaustion... Cheeeeeeeck!

I worried that labor would progress a bit too rapidly once it began for real, and while I wasn't that freaked out about accidentally having the baby at home, the logistics of it all had me nervous. I willed myself to keep her "in" until my mom arrived on Saturday, February 15th because I needed to know that my kids were not coming with me to the hospital! I mean it too- I have this gift of deciding it is okay to let my labor kick in. She arrived Saturday evening and Sadie was born Sunday morning (just as Aila had been born 4 years ago).

It was all horribly wonderful again.

Around 11 pm, I was watching the Olympics (it was truly my nighttime ritual) and some light contractions began. They were long and pinchy, but not really painful. It almost felt like persistent indigestion, and with my heating pad, I fell asleep not expecting much. I woke up to pee around 2 hours later, and told Aaron that I was still having some regular contractions, but went back to bed. He came to bed about 30 minutes later and AS SOON AS he got into bed, I sat upright and said "yep!"
My water had broken.

It was mostly a trickle. I checked for cord prolapse, etc. and there was none, my contractions were still mild and far apart so I told Aaron to try to sleep. He'd need to be rested for constant counter-pressure and massages though I still think he got the "better" end of the stick ;) My adrenaline kicked in so I got up and started running around doing random chores, because I didn't need rest for my marathon, I guess...

About an hour and a half went by. Contractions intensified and moved to 5-6 minutes apart. I drank my raspberry leaf tea, breathed, relaxed. Eventually I decided we'd better go (hospital is an hour away). My children stayed warm in their beds since my mom had arrived!
We left the house around 5:30 am. I was annoyed at the constant trickle of fluid, but I was feeling relaxed and positive. On the way, we stopped at a gas station and I actually had to use the bathroom... in labor... Thank goodness no other customers were in the store to see my pained expression and amniotic fluid wet pants!It all seemed totally ridiculous.

When we arrived at the hospital, the usual stuff commenced, labor slowed down as I sat hooked to the monitor for awhile and figured out that my doctor would probably not be available because of a personal emergency. Still though, I felt calm and relaxed, if uncomfortable.
After an hour or what felt like 10, I met my new nurse Emily who was a heaven-sent, natural birth-loving doll who I could tell would advocate for me if Dr. McD didn't make it (my ob is also phenomenal, even in absentia). She got me off the monitor so I could move around and Aaron and I settled in.

Over the next hour, I alternated between side-lying and sitting on the toilet. With each contraction, I let myself go limp and breathed low and deep. Aaron was a wonderful- breathing, counter-pressures, water, support. We really knew what to expect this time.

I could feel baby moving down. Contractions continued to increase in length and intensity, which totally sucks, but is welcomed at the same time because, progress... Emily was ready for me to "jump" because of my history of transition directly into crowning and so were we. I could tell I was getting close when I started feeling panicky. When I transition, I just want everyone to get the hell off of me. Emily checked me and I wasn't complete so I got up and walked back into the bathroom. While I was in there, the labor team all showed up to set up. I just wanted to hide out in my safe little space with Aaron because everything was so intense. My legs started shaking so I asked Aaron to pin them down as I sat on the toilet and leaned back to relax. It is so hard to relax when you are shaking uncontrollably. "I just want it to be over" I remember saying through tears, but I also knew we were getting there.

I had been in the bathroom for ten minutes or so, feeling baby get progressively lower, my hips feel wider, my contractions blend together. The house ob, a tiny soft-voiced lady poked her head in and said "do you think maybe we should get you to the bed?" They were really worried about a toilet baby... I looked at Aaron and actually laughed. "Promise I won't drop her in the toilet, okay?" ob lady retreated.

3 more ~~days~~ minutes and I knew we were there. I nodded "okay!" and Aaron helped me back to the bed. She was crowning as I crawled onto the bed.
Burning! Stretching! Pressure!!!

I was on all fours as Emily and Dr. W, my ob's coverage doc (bless him) BOTH asked me how I wanted to deliver. Part of me tucked this away as something to appreciate later, but at the time I felt like I couldn't move. Baby's head was lodged between my legs and I just didn't see how i was going to get my legs under me to squat like I had planned. I froze, wide-eyed and overwhelmed and yelled "this is fine!" They cranked up the back of the bed so I had something to lean on. I went up to as kneeling position and reached down to feel baby's head- there was so much pressure and I had a really hard time not gasping for breaths.
Aaron was at my right reassuring me and everyone encouraged me to relax and push when I was ready.

Somewhere inside, I pulled some energy and grunted and pushed and it felt like she shot out. That tremendous force was 'just' her head (her poor face had some bruising later because of her rapid descent). I pushed one more time and the rest of her emerged.
Tears! Relief! I heard her angel cries and leaned forward over the bed sobbing, so overwhelmed and tired. How the world can change with two pushes!!

I turned around and sat on the bed so I could see her for the first time.
My absolutely beautiful and perfect Sadie.
7 lbs, 7 ounces of blessing.
It was 8:48 am.

She snuggled into me for immediate skin-to-skin and latched on. I had forgotten how tiny those little searching mouths are. Eventually the cord was cut, I pushed out the placenta and was cleaned up, but she remained in my arms. No one rushed me and everyone was on a birth high. I had a very small tear but was given the choice to stitch it or leave it. I just waved my hand "it's fine". That was that.

The hospital was renovating the birth suites, so we changed rooms after a couple of hours of rest. I walked, holding Sadie, and as we passed the nursing station, they all smiled and congratulated me and honestly looked a little surprised to see me up. I felt fantastic- energetic and little to no discomfort aside from the raging afterbirth pains (holy $#%*) that come out of nowhere- definitely worse with each subsequent child.

She slept all afternoon and cluster-fed all night, a pattern that would die hard... and we went home the next morning. I never needed a sitz-bath, ice pack or anything stronger than ibuprofen once we left the hospital and I couldn't have asked for a better birth. The other day, Aaron casually mentioned that Sadie was the easiest birth. I giggled as if he could know and said she actually was not. I guess I have just gotten better at what he calls the zen master skills!

After I delivered Aila, I always said I didn't feel "finished"- that we would probably have another baby. I am not sure, but this might be it for us- we feel complete(er) if that makes sense. Here, 9 weeks out, it feels like she was always here. One day she looks like her big sister and then the next day like her brother, but I already see tiny glimpses of the little girl she will become. She is going to be fantastic :)

I bring this post to you from hysteria

2014-04-16T08:57:00.001-05:00

Here she is.
My blessing, my smiling angel, my newest sleep-stealing bundle of absolute joy.

I am so tired.
I knew that this would be hard. The whole born-in-the-first-half-of-the-semester thing... And while A. keeps assuring me that she hasn't suffered from my teaching two days a week, I sure as hell have.
I am feeling almost hostile toward moms with maternity leave, so you know, almost every mom I know. I took 3 DAYS off of lecture and then jumped back in. And maybe if it was just that, I'd be sane, but I am also trying to see patients. Seeing patients out of my house requires a clean house. A clean house with a newborn and two older kids and a dog and a half-crazed, sleep deprived and disheveled mom, and a dad who is gone almost every night because we had this baby during baseball season...
She nurses non-stop.
A side note, I guess. It illustrates exactly how much time I have to be a hands-on good mom to the big kids. Or a competent employee. Or a professional doctor. Or cook and do dishes.
I feel like I am drowning.
There are 3 weeks left to the semester- I have the calendar memorized. I could make the commute in my sleep, which is good since I have probably done this involuntarily...
I am forgetting conversations, crying randomly and beating myself up all day long.
Drowning!!
And she is so worth it.

times go by so.... NOT slowly

2013-08-19T10:12:00.002-05:00

I will post again tomorrow when the reality sets in that I have two kiddos off at school- I am ready for it, but not. I never planned on sending Aila to preschool when she was only 3, but financially, we just couldn't say no because our (awesome) school has a great deal for families. So tomorrow, the alarm will again be set and this time I will be shuttling two precious pieces of cargo off for someone else to love on. This is just the catalyst I need to start blogging again :) It has been a really long summer with lots of things to post about, but my laptop is perpetually cranky and won't upload pictures to Blogger... it has been enough to turn me off! But for a Back to School survey, I had to see what I could do. I asked the same questions of Nolan as last year, but for Aila, we are all new.

NOLAN:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Scientist!
Where do you want to live? Illinois- he said I am allowed to visit whenever I want
What kind of car will you drive? I'll paint it myself- a Skylander car
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a boy and a girl
What's your favorite color? Red and Blue
What's your favorite food? Roasted Broccoli!!! and also Roast Beef- he likes to roast
What's your favorite thing to do? Go to the park
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Super Mario Brothers (staying power) and Sponge Bob (puke)

AILA:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Princess Belle
Where do you want to live? With Renee' ("the neighbor with the grandpa and that's where i want to live")
What kind of car will you drive? A purple one
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a girl (named Alyssa)
What's your favorite color? Purple and Pink
What's your favorite food? Bread
What's your favorite thing to do? Go swimming
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Princess shows and the Tinkerbell movie

pray for my soul and the souls of moms everywhere

2013-04-24T09:18:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel like going to Walmart is a part-time job because of how long it takes to get through it with two children hanging off the cart.

seriously, if there is a purgatory, i think it is probably one GIANT Walmart with a huge shopping list and borrowed children that number in the 100s. you would literally be there for 600 years unless enough people prayed for your poor soul and you could start scratching things off the list. and then you'd roll up to the gates of heaven looking all haggard in your yoga pants with pasty skin and a greasy ponytail and be like, "now?? can i come in now?" maybe all the time i spend in Walmart now will cut a few days off for me later.

anyway, meanwhile... in Walmart.
sometimes when we are shopping and N is helping me 'push' the cart he nearly maims innocent passersby so i keep him on a pretty tight leash (metaphorically speaking). yesterday was no exception and as i stopped to pick out eggs, he kept pushing. when i told him to "stop, stay here" he started to swing the cart around into a suspecting woman- i say suspecting, because she seemed to anticipate her demise by cart pretty accurately. so i took two steps, grabbed the cart and repeated "stop, stay here" followed by "N, you are going to knock someone out if you are not careful" and then i hunched up my shoulders and turned ready to receive the stink eye from the suspecting woman.
only she smiled at me.

and then she said, "you are a good momma"

and i had no words. for once, someone was not judging a tired mom in a store with her stir-crazy kids? every time i am at the store i see some old lady stare down a young mom whose child is crying or whose kid is singing their ABCs a bit too loud (exhibit B is us) and it always makes me frown. and now i think i might be jaded, because for a second, i thought she was joking.

i am convinced that motherhood is the only job that if given a compliment on your skills, you just think someone is messing with you...

but i think maybe she was serious, and she can't possible know how good that felt or how i thought about it all evening long. i hope God was watching- surely that was good for a few years off my purgatory total :)

keepin' it interesting

2013-02-27T09:12:00.000-06:00

our midwest winter home...
some Mondays look like this:

but are followed by Thursdays like this:

and i love it

i'm no kate upton

2013-02-01T17:23:00.002-06:00

so my assets are not what they used to be.
it's a given after the two kids. maybe someday after i know i am done stretching out my entire midsection, i will give serious thought to making it pretty again, but it seems like an awful lot of work to just go mess it all up again if i am re-impregnated.
the boobs?
well i think i am screwed there- i really miss my pre-nursing boobs even though i am proud of the ladies doing their job.
but my "lower half" definitely spared better than the top half, at least the parts that weren't directly exposed to an emergent crying alien ( i won't even go there, but seriously, the post-baby private part situation is something no one warns you about). anyway, my butt is reasonably okay still and i think A likes it because he swats it quite often in passing.

that is so flirtatious, right? i think i broke up with my first boyfriend at age 11and after 1 day of our serious relationship because he did that.

so i assume that maybe i can use his butt admiration to my advantage and acentuate the positive from time to time in the single pair of leggings that i own. i bought them almost a full year ago and i wear them around the house with the frequency at which i wear any of my other comfy pants. i don't even cover them with major sweathsirt action.

i can be flirtatious too you know.

so.
last night i was wearing them and A asked me "when did you buy those pants?"
did you catch that? he has NEVER NOTICED ME WEARING THEM BEFORE.
so much for emphasizing the booty. it has escaped notice for A WHOLE YEAR.

psssht. i don't even know what to think now. there is nothing else to emphasize.

where every day is a holiday

2013-01-27T14:19:00.003-06:00

mom- can we go to the city?
she asks me nearly every day. and by "city", she means the city museum in downtown stl. i can't blame her really- it is pretty rad. we went last month and i am just now getting around to posting.

i'd like to go the city today too

gorillas in the mist

2013-01-24T16:13:00.002-06:00

earlier hinted at blissful january hike day!!! it started raining about an hour in and we just kept going since we were already wet.
you hear that, bear grylls? we are survivors!
unfortunately at about hour two, N pulled me down a rock and i had a major crash/camera breaking mope-fest. mostly because we were at the most beautiful place of the entire hike.
mist rising off the creek, gorgeous waterfall and fractured plastic camera pieces... thankful once again for that new camera at christmas (which i almost took with us and if i had broken that one, you might as well have left me in a ravine). can't wait to go back!

so where were we??

2013-01-19T12:44:00.003-06:00

hmmm so many crazy things, so little time to document. i believe that everyone i know has enough material for very valid reality shows. it's all about selling the story though.
add some boobs and catfights- marketable.
add some backwoods style with a side of ketchup and spaghetti- marketable.
spotlight an exhausted, woe-is-me momma and it is just not prett- not marketable.
but alas i am still here and i will attempt to put this life down on a website for 12 people to read, mostly because my mom (love you mom) won't stop bugging me about a new post ;)
so here we are.

it has been... awhile.
in fact, i need to go back and look at what i last blogged about- please standby.

ah Christmas- duh.
okay so here we are in 2013. this is going to be the year that i get it together again. since my first blog post is 19 days in already, i guess i need to step it up. i thought the first post would be on the 10th for ten on ten, but i forgot until about 3 PM- i pulled out the camera and took a few shots and then i got distracted trying to prep 15 chapters of anatomy and physiology lecture and instead, gave up and took rum shots instead. i actually didn't, but i wanted to.

and then that week was done. break was done and i went back to school. this week has been reallysupercrazyfast and while i truly love teaching, i really loathe 5 am. and i loathe commuting after waking at 5 am even more- dangerous i tell you. i fell asleep sitting in my car in the parking lot when i got to school on tuesday. heat blasting. radio blaring. a full five minutes before i started myself awake and plunged into the cold winter air to wake my ass up so that i could change people lives with information about how their scent smelling cells (aka olfactory hairs/receptors on olfactory epithelial cells in the olfactory mucosa of the superior nasal cavity) are actually neurons that depolarize and directly transmit action potentials into the central nervous sysem... life changing, i tell you.
and then i raced home to see patients because some marketing genius who has blond hair, female parts and a name that starts with a 'j' thought january would be a good time for a back to health promotion and therefore a completely full schedule in the midst of getting back into school routine as well. but blessings abound my friends, i really am thankful for all the business/busy-ness. i am just very overwhelmed.

since i last checked in, we have had about 1,402 sibling fights, 1 snow storm, 1 amazing hiking day (in january!!), a few park afternoons (in january!!), a game night with friends, good food, and many many good intentions. i have had a handful of nervous breakdowns as is the custom for this time of year, as i don't get paid in january as an adjunct evil purple-haired stepchild of the higher education system and there was a weensy too much purchased christmas cheer. but overall- we are still kicking. and lovin'. i think 2013 is going to be just fine.

requisite Christmas post

2012-12-29T14:19:00.005-06:00

woooo hoooo.
Christmas. and stuff...

we had a holly jolly holiday complete with a new yearly tradition of an asthma attack without an available rescue inhaler and a lovely bout with the stomach flu. they say families that puke together, stay together. or something like that.
poor health aside, it is always great to spend time with the families back in our home towns. and thanks to little Christmas miracles, i have a new camera that i can operate without holding the battery door closed.

12.14.12

2012-12-14T21:12:00.001-06:00

Just... Wow.
I am in disbelief that today's horrible events could even take place. All these babies, just gone.

I was proctoring an exam when the "Breaking News" message popped up on my monitor and I swear I stopped breathing. I am sure that every parent, everywhere, instantly went to that horrible place in your mind where you picture yourself in tragedy. But Dear God, THANK GOD, my own babies were safe. And yet, there is absolutely no assurance that they will be safe tomorrow, or even tonight.

The terrible reality of today opens up dialogue about what needs to change in our society, our blessed country where this should not be happening, but it also brings to light the things that we can't change, and that is even scarier to me.

I can teach them to look both ways, never play with matches, and swim only with an adult. I might even be able to keep them from willingly getting in a car with a stranger. But dammit, there is not One. Single. Thing. that I can do to assure that some sick and hurting, yet monster of a person won't walk into their school and spray their room with bullets.

My son is in kindergarten.
I have pictured this gunman in my child's classroom all day. I do not know any of these poor families that have lost their children, pieces of their hearts, but I am sure they have been doing the same. I cry for them. I have been crying all day.

These poor babies and their families.
These poor teachers that have to worry about things like this. That have to lock their students and themselves crying in bathrooms, when they should be cutting out pictures of Santa and saying their ABCs.

It is so very hard to acknowledge how fleeting life can be. To understand that we can only do so much to protect our babies. I break thinking of how they surely wanted their moms when all of the shooting began and that if it had been my boy, I would not have been there to save him. We can't always save them. We can't. And so we cry.

still thankful, just not conventionally so

2012-11-17T14:30:00.001-06:00

I stepped away for a bit. That little life thing is still a bit busy. I haven't been very good about the November blessing thing. Facebook is all a flutter with things to be thankful for and I haven't been doing it except for in my head. I think the first two weeks are a given anyway, right?
I am thankful for my spouse, my kids, my parents, my friends, my house, etc.etc.
But now let's get real and give it some thought. I am thankful for many many things and today? Today it is Naptime. (it's so important, it gets classified as a proper noun here)

Naptime.
I just want to sing the word falsetto voice.
Naaaaaaptiiiiiiime
For all parties. Me. Them.
Even fake naptime when N stretches across his sheets and sings songs to himself for an hour. It is usually punctuated with 4-5 trips back downstairs to tell me that he A) hurt his leg while "napping" B) can't stop coughing even though he hadn't coughed all day or C) All of the above and that he doesn't want me to take Madagascar 3 back to the Redbox today. Even then. Because mommas ALWAYS need a break- if momma says she doesn't, it is because she is drunk at 2 pm.

Thank you Lord for naptime. When else would I shower and blog?

Ten On Ten {11.10.12}

2012-11-10T20:10:00.001-06:00

My November Ten on Ten:

One photo an hour for ten hours- it did NOT feel like November out there today!

thanks a lot

2012-11-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

why the wedding pictures? because i am thankful- i promised that i would be.
today i am thankful for this marriage and this man.

i couldn't make it through this life without him.

stop and go. and stop. or just go

2012-11-01T22:20:00.002-05:00

is it just me, or does everyone come to a 4 way stop at the same exact time as the car to your right, wave them on since it is their right of way and then sit and stare at them, eybrows raised as they wave back.
why does that piss me off so much??
it is every time! if someone waves at you to go... GO... don't wave back all ladies and ford escapes first...
every other time, i expect politeness, but not at a four way- just go people. when i get there clearly BEFORE the next person though, they very nearly always shoot through the intersection like they are being shot out of a cannon... driving is just so hard, you know.
anyway, november is for being thankful, so i will start that tomorrow.
today i am crabby.
and in pain- my stupid rib is all jacked up (a technical term of course) and my chiropractor is unavailable. and even though you doctor folk might relaize this already, it is not effective to try to kinesiotape your own injuries when they are behind you and over your dominant shoulder. you just might injure another 1 or 17 ribs getting into position.
so once again, tomorrow.
i will be thankful tomorrow.

until then.
i will try to distract myself with uber halloween cuteness.

nintendo has never seen such characters as these sugared up lovelies :)

wait october! please slow your roll.

2012-10-20T09:22:00.002-05:00

i could just drive and drive for hours in this weather. i LOVE me some fall.

PS- I did pull over to take this picture :)

medicate me with kisses, please

2012-10-17T08:18:00.001-05:00

okay.
well i'm over my little 'panties in a rumple' style snit of last night.
i got a good night's sleep and, no wait... i did not.

i was up with A for awhile last night because it seems that N passed on more than just her hand me down pajamas.
how generous.

and then after finally falling asleep again, N woke up in a coughing spell about 30 minutes before my alarm. and just like that- i am sleep deprived again.
but it's cool. i am sleep deprived and content today.

sometimes those late nights in a rocking chair with a soft head of hair tucked under your chin give you some clarity. there is nothing wrong with being just mom. in fact, there is really no such thing, because to those little people, sometimes there IS just mom. only mom. when they cry out with runny little noises, it is me they want. and they don't care about all the things i used to be.

maybe this is all a little bipolar sounding. and in fact, that is exactly how i roll- i am nothing if not diverse. my three jobs are evidence of that. and today i have decided to focus on job #3, which really, truly is ALWAYS job #1, or more like the #1 job. i might hate this decision after the kids go to bed tonight, but i need a snuggle and play day. the work can wait.

but a shower- first i need a shower.

it could be worse (times a google)

2012-10-16T21:57:00.001-05:00

this motherhood thing is some serious shit.
highs and lows and snot and farts and laughter.
and lots of crying.

tonight was one of those nights where i about lost my damn mind for no real reason. i mean, N was in full-on back talk mode and whining for 45 straight minutes about picking up the kiddy shopping cart worth of "groceries" that he upended into a pop up tent in my living room, but that is not unusual.

A was in a continual princess swoon all draped over my head and arms as i answered frantic student emails... an everyday thing. incidentally, why is it so impossible to catch the words that come out of my mouth 8 times in one class period, get underlined on the board and referenced in the syllabus...
seriously college people- wait until 'life' hits. no cliff notes for all this 'ish

general chaos. check. i got it.
mess. school prep. medicine. busy schedules. being stupid over budget for the past two months. single parenting during hubby's 75 different nightly AND weekend committments. allergen free food. allergen free body products. allergen free shopping bills. allergen free life. depression. ~~two~~ three very different jobs with very different sets of insane paperwork. midterms to grade. midterm grades. health scares. liabilities. no family anywhere close. high maintenance kids. high maintenance dog.
check. i got it.

i know it is nothing major. i know some of you have much more of the serious shit than me.
i. get. it.

we are blessed and lucky. i know. i am thankful. i ADORE these babies and this life.
but sometimes i still feel like i am going to explode if i have to do one more little thing like change a diaper or find a sna-aack. and i think that is okay.

sometimes the 'me' inside just wants a little attention.
she wants to know that someone remembers who she is- that even know right now, she is trying insanely hard to ~~keep~~ find her identity as a good mother, before this, she had another identity. 400 other identities even.

i miss her. maybe that sounds bad.
but i do. i miss the things she showed me and taught me and laughed at.
i love, love, love all the things that my kids show me and teach me and make me laugh at, but i still miss my old inner me. from the second i became mom, my 'me' took one hell of a crayon covered and cracker crumb encrusted back seat.

i wonder if she'll ever crawl out and shower off.

anyone want to pick up homework for us?

2012-10-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

little man sick days now go something like this:

my brain already deciding when i fall asleep at midnight that the insane barking cough eminating from his body all. night. long. is rotten enough to keep him from school for a day of rest, fluids, vitamins and chiropractic adjustments... after all, monday is my "off day" so we might as well nip this thing today.

alarm STILL must go off in the dark because i have to look responsible enough to wake him up and find out that indeed, he does feel puny.

after waking, i stumble in and feel N's head (cool) and listen to his lungs (rattle-y). he rolls sleepily toward me and says "bomb, i don't feel so good" which enforces what i already knew when his rasping and hacking woke me at 3 am. he snuggles into me and then coughs straight into my face. i decide that would be a good time to call the school. but now he is awake (at 6:30am) and wants... breakfast?? hmmm- not too bad then, but the breathing. i don't know- i'll give him a breathing treatment.

i carry him downstairs at his request and get him set up in a comfy chair with a blanket, the space heater and his trusty nebulizer. i brew up some green tea with lemon and honey and load him up with our trusty immune system vitamins... he's droopy and sniffle-y and wants to snuggle. i give in and call school.

it is now 3 hours later.

i am BEGGING him to lay down and rest. he is not coughing. he is not whining. i blew up the air mattress to make laziness seem extra hip and both kids think we are in a freaking trampoline center. i don't remember my sick days looking like this, then again, since it has been years since i took a genuine sick day, maybe my memory is rusty.

Ten on Ten [10.10.12]

2012-10-10T22:30:00.001-05:00

one picture on the hour for ten hours...
linking up with the fantastic a bit of sunshine for the ten on ten project

don't count... i might be one short ;)