drafts and brews

Phobic: Fear no. 2 - The fear of falling in love

2012-02-11T21:00:00.000+08:00

I have done it. I have taken the fall. I have been dared to, and even fully aware that there wouldn't really be anyone to catch me, I exercised my free will and chose to be human. And the fall? Painful but worth it.

I have found that for everything that it can ever mean to anyone, love is still love. It should, therefore be, always a positive thing. It empowers, it brings joy, it ever gives, it builds, it links, it allows one to grow and fulfill the potential to be a powerful agent of change in the known universe. I have found that this is only possible when I express it and allow it the freedom, and in effect, the power to change me for the better. Yes, I was hurt for a number of reasons; failed expectations most of all. But at least, when I do not hold back, I hurt but I also get to grow. Whereas when I repress it, I get hurt too mostly because of suffocation. I do not want to lose by holding back, and making an enemy out of what could be an enriching and life-changing experience.

I have found that to learn to really open my heart, I have to just let myself feel. To immerse myself in feeling is to get to know the depths of my own heart. It is also to discover for myself the things that I am willing to do in the face of great emotions; to know to what extent I can allow my heart to decide for me. In spite of all the internal drama, the lesson was simple enough. I can feel all I want to feel. However, it does not mean that I have to act on every feeling. But act I must, so I drew on my deeply held values and beliefs and let myself be guided by the very things that define who I am and what I want to be.

I have found that love is many things but it never rejoices in the wrong. It has challenged me to remain true to myself and my sense of self-respect; forcing me to strive for that which is truly worthy, and not just be content with what feels good at the moment.

So I dared to fall. I did not find a fairytale. I found a love that waits, and a heart that is strong and willing to walk away because it is the right thing to do.

A beautiful part of life has finally happened to me. I am now a proud owner of a romantically bruised heart. I now have my own share of romantic scars, and a corresponding story to tell. I now know what sparks mean. And I now have a more expectant heart - one which will always be afraid but so looks forward to taking yet another fall. That is, until the hands that were meant to do the "catching" have at last found the one meant to fall into those capable, waiting arms - only me. :)

Source: http://lovetexts.tumblr.com/post/5496148968

Love is a Ferris Wheel Ride

2011-12-30T04:23:00.000+08:00

"Don't be scared, its only love that we're falling in..." - Falling In/ Lifehouse

Finally, alam ko na kung bakit "falling in love" kahit na having that feeling is really a choice you make. Kasi parang pagsakay lang din pala yun sa Ferris Wheel...

a. You are forced to face your fears.
You literally have to face that scary feeling of falling; that part in the ride where gravity pulls you down at a great speed, before you can appreciate na that exactly is the reason why the ride is exciting and fun. I have found that in love, RISK is a very important thing. You have to muster the courage to address your fears and ACT, otherwise baka puro "what if" na lang ang istorya ng buhay mo. I have learned na the only way to know if you'll survive something is to get in there and live out that Nike slogan- "JUST DO IT!"

b. You have to teach your self to let go, otherwise you won't enjoy the ride.You can laugh, cry, scream, bahala ka. Ang mahalaga, you express yourself. You accept that you are scared and that in spite of it, you let go. You allow yourself to relax. Otherwise, every time you approach that crucial turn in the ride, lagi ka na lang magpi-freeze up. Hindi mo mae-enjoy yung hampas ng hangin sa mukha mo, yung magandang view pagdating sa tuktok, or na cute pala yung katabi mo. Sayang yung moment! :)

Same pag nagmamahal ka, uso sa atin yung mag daydream and imagine ourselves in conversation or in perfect moments with people we like or love. Pero bihira sa atin yung talagang gumagawa ng opportunity to make such moments happen. Nakakatakot kasi eh. Nagpi-freeze up tayo pag andiyan na yung tao. Tapos sasabayan pa ng pride natin na kesyo baka mapahiya tayo. Kaya we get to miss so much. Ako mismo, guilty ako nyan. Shet. Pero, yes, it is one of the things we have to be aware of and do something about - to express our love, and make moments happen with people we love.

c. Enjoy the ride while it lasts.While you are taking your time to be afraid, stuck in that frozen position,
the Ferris Wheel will continue turning. Hindi siya basta-basta hihinto para lang sa yo kahit pa umiyak ka, unless aatakihin ka na sa puso. And then, and then, just when nagsisimula ka nang mag-enjoy, ayun, tapos na ang ride. Kailangan mo nang bumaba.

Yes, it is really hard to just "enjoy the moment" especially when every good moment is also a possible source of heartbreak. Kaso, all things end eventually. Nagbabago din ang mga damdamin, either for better or for worse. In the end, we all die. Everything fades. So para saan pang we insist to take ourselves seriously eh sa huli natatapos din naman ang lahat. Sabi nga ni Paolo Coelho sa The Pilgrimage (c1987),

"Human beings are the only ones in nature who are aware that they will die... Still, being fragile creatures, humans always try to hide from themselves the certainty that they will die. They do not see that it is death itself that motivates them to do the best things in their lives... They do not see that with an awareness of death, they would be able to be even more daring to go much further in their daily conquests, because then they would have nothing to lose - for death is inevitable."

So let's live. Let's love. Let us enjoy the moments, even the not so good ones. Tutal, dun din naman natin nakikilala ng husto yung sarili natin eh. Parang sa Ferris Wheel lang din kung saan natututo tayo na meron pala tayong fear of heights, and nakakapag-strategize tayo how to control our body to react para di na tayo masyado natatakot and nagpi-freeze every time we approach that crucial turn. I-enjoy natin yung ride. Afterwards, sakay pa tayo ng ibang rides :)

Phobic: Fear no. 1 - The fear of being misunderstood

2011-11-23T20:00:00.000+08:00

“Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear you.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have had the chance to have some continuous quiet in my life recently. It has forced me to do some serious reflection.

I realized that my past, most especially the last three years, has been greatly defined by fear - the fear of being misunderstood by people who I have great respect for, and also by those who I love most. It is true that because of them, I have achieved so much. However, it is also true that because I hold their opinions in very high regard, I have allowed myself to be confined to a life that is defined by what they expect, what they deem respectable, and what they regard as important based on their values and other similar criteria. In so wanting to make them proud and also, to keep their affection and trust, I have lived by their rules. They, in effect, have defined my life. I have allowed them to.

There is actually nothing wrong with it except that my life is not theirs to begin with. It is mine. And even with my consent, it still feels like I have done a misdeed. I have cruelly tricked myself into believing that I was in control but all along, I have allowed my fear to prevent me from living a more fulfilling life. One proof is how I have kept myself from writing, especially these last three years. I have been so afraid of being misunderstood that I have kept my opinions and beliefs and my dreams and my plans to myself. I have chosen to disregard how writing is actually a celebration of my own life and that it doesn't really matter what other people may think. It is because no matter how much people like or hate me, in the end, they will still think and feel as they would like to, and there is really nothing that I can do about that. They will just react and judge because it is human nature to do so. In the end, what I write will still be about me and my life and only those who love me very, very much will ever really give a shit about it.

There will always be things that I will be afraid of. I just don't want my fears to keep me from living the life that I want and would like to deserve.

Aside from living without affecting anyone or anything, I fear being unloved most of all. But as I am learning with love, even when people cannot understand me, the ones who really love me stay. It is never a question of whether I deserve what they have and would like to give to me because their love alone has justified it already. And should they decide that I am unworthy, God redeems. I will always be precious to God and be loved by Him, no matter what.

MMK: Malamang Magsisisi Ka (kung maalaala mo pa nga)

2011-11-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

Kanina mo pa paulit-ulit na inuumpog ang ulo mo sa pader. Pakshet talaga! Nakanangputcha! PI! Shet! Letse! Lahat na yata ng mura nasabi mo na. Pero bakit ganun? Nag-pipilit pa ring sumingit at umalingawngaw sa utak mo ang mga salitang sobrang nakakasakit sa yo. Wala ka na halos maramdaman sa parteng inuumpog mo, pero sa loob ng puso mo, ang sakit-sakit pa rin. Dapat yata ginagawa nang teleserye ang buhay mo sa sobrang makabagbag-damdamin.

Parekoy, I so feel you! Pero puwede ba, itigil mo na yang dramang "I deserve to die, nobody cares"?! Hindi naman talaga titigil ang ikot ng mundo dahil lang pakiramdam mo lahat ng problema at kasawian sa buhay nasa balikat mo. Kung gusto mo, isulat mo at ipadala ang kuwento mo sa MMK, malamang madami pa ang makikisimpatiya at mai-inspire. Pero kung puro suicide at pagkasira ng buhay mo ang naiisip mong gawin AT AYAW MO PAPIGIL, 'eto ang 20 pesos. Sige, bili ka na ng blade. At tandaan, ang laslas ay pa-horizontal ha, para wakwak talaga lahat ng importanteng veins. Para wala ka na talagang second chance. Masakit ka sa bangs! Ang toxic mo! Malamang nga tama ka niyan na the world would be better off without you.

Kung bakit kasi, dapat yang buhay mo, since di mo naman kayang pahalagahan at ipaglaban maski sa sarili mo, ipina-raffle na lang sa mga gusto pa mabuhay na cancer patients. O kaya yung mga naging biktima ng Tsunami sa Japan. O kaya yung mga nabaon sa mga nagdaang mega-earthquakes. O kaya kay Steve Jobs na lang. Sayang eh. Akalain mo'ng sa sinuwerte-suwerte mo, minalas pa ang mundo sa 'yo kasi uber feel mo na "Gosh, I am such a loser!"

Tara, tama na muna yang drama mo. Sumama ka muna sa akin sa PGH. Punta tayo dun sa ER. Isa-isahin natin ang mga naghihingalo dun na bawat segundo ng hininga ay pinahahalagahan. Tapos, punta tayo sa Children's Ward. Pakuwento ka tungkol sa pangarap sa buhay ng mga batang hindi na tatanda dahil sa terminal cases na sila. Makipaglaro tayo kasama ng mga batang kamukha na ni Gollum sa putla at wala nang mga buhok pero kayang-kaya pa rin tumawa sa galak dahil sa mga simpleng bagay tulad ng pagbibigay mo ng panahon na makasama sila. Nakaka-iyak ba? Nakaka-relate ka?

Ang gusto ko lang maintindihan mo, una, hindi lang ikaw ang nasasaktan. Hindi lang ikaw ang may dinaramdam. At gaano man kalala sa tingin mo ang mga nangyayari sa yo ngayon, siguradong sa laki ng mundo at sa dami ng tao, may mga mas malala pang mga problema at pasanin kaysa diyan at masuwerte ka dahil hindi sa iyo ang mga problemang iyon.

Pangalawa, dapat maintindihan mo na ang problema, natatapos at natatapos din para lang mapalitan nang panibagong problema - panibagong challenge. Kailangan kasi yan ng lahat ng tao para matuto, para mas madiskubre kung ano pa ang kakayanin nating gawin, at gaano pa ba katatag ang ating mga loob sa harap ng pagsubok. Parte yan ng buhay eh kaya wag mo masyado dibdibin.

Pangatlo, pahalagahan mo ang buhay mo. Iisa lang yan. Hindi yan nabibili. Ibinigay yan sa yo ng Diyos na biyaya kaya magpasalamat ka at gamitin mo ng maayos hindi lang para mapasaya ang sarili mo kung di pati na rin ang kapwa mo. Marami ang gusto pa mabuhay pero di na pinagbibigyan kaya masuwerte ka kasi madami pa ang oras mo mag-enjoy.

Pang-apat, habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Habang may buhay, madami pa ang puwede mangyari. Napanuod mo ba yung last second 3-point shoot na video sa Youtube na nagbago ng takbo ng isang basketball championship? Kaya wag ka magpakamatay. Pag nagpakamatay ka, iiyak lang at makiki-kape at magsusugal ang mga tao sa paligid mo sa loob ng isang linggo pero tuloy pa rin ang buhay para sa kanila. Pagkalibing mo, kung may magpapa-party ng bongga, mag-iinuman at magkakainan at magsasaya pa rin sila. Lugi ka. Kung pipilitin mong maging survivor, magkaka-djowa ka pa ulit nang mas magmamahal sa yo, magkaka-trabaho ka pa ng mas bongga, mas madami ka pang lugar na mapupuntahan at mga taong makikilala. O di ba, ang saya-sayang adventure?

Pang-lima, buhay mo yan. Iyo. Kaya responsibilidad mong ayusin, hindi responsibilidad ng mundo o nang ibang tao. Proof? Kasalanan ba ng mundo na nagdudugo na 'yang bumbunan mo? Bakit, sino bang nag-umpog sa yo? Kaninong ulo ba yan? Lumalabas na nagdesisyon kang saktan ang sarili mo, at pumayag kang saktan ka ng sarili mo. Doble-dobleng atraso mo sa sarili mo, hehe.

Pang-anim, lahat naman ng nilalang namamatay. Bakit ka ba nagmamadali umeskapo sa mundo? At paraan pa ng duwag ang napili mong style ng pag-exit, huh? Duh!

Kaya nga dapat, di mo inuubos oras mo sa pagpipintura ng dugo mo diyan sa pader nyo. Lalangawin pa yan bukas pag natuyo na, mahirap linisin. Tama na muna ang emote, okay? Ito Php 65.00, bili tayo RH grande....

How long is one lifetime?

2011-11-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

"In a real way, eternity is merely the living of one human lifetime after another...." - (Marius), The Vampire Lestat, Anne Rice

My personal belief is that we all have but one eternity to live, and several lifetimes to decide on what should we live for.

It used to be that one lifetime for me is equivalent to two years - a span of time enough to complete the cycles of new to fading friendships, and the inception and resolution of personal issues. Lately, I found that, in direct proportion to the number of real people that one gets to meet as one gets older, the period of one such cycle also diminishes. One lifetime for me now is as short as two months - two months to meet new people, two months to heal my heart and pride of both real and imagined wounds, two months of reaching out, two months of life-changing experiences, two months of deciding for the next lifetime, two months of chances. I do not decide on the length of time. It is actually just a noticeable cycle in my life where, guided by my heart, I become aware of the time limits given for me to take stock of things and decide if I will let the experiences of my current lifetime affect that of my next one, either for the worse or for the better.

The point is, same as everyone else, I do not have forever. I only have one eternity to spend into as many lifetimes as I could to make that one mark, to fulfill that one purpose that I was born to do. For most of us, it is so hard to just keep going forward because we are only humans with very fragile hearts and so much more fragile egos that tend to hurt so much so fast yet heal so slowly. I do that too. I cannot help but linger at times. I usually present an outward facade that has undergone "renovations", the picture of a person that has moved on, but inside, I still cry nights and gets terribly affected by people and events and even the silliest things. And I am guilty of these even if I so want to really move on. So how do I deal? How do I convince myself that one lifetime is over?

I deal by striving to become as fully aware of my life as I can. I list down all my options - both the easy and the difficult ones. And then, as corny as it is, I do interview my heart. I ask it about the things that it wants, the things that it needs, the things that will make it happy, the things that it is willing to do or to sacrifice and for what price, the things that will help it embody the words "fulfilled" and "happy" and "joy" and "love." And then, to close things, I write. I reach out. Then regardless of whether I have been understood or not, I force myself to move on and do what needs to be done, and try to just keep taking that next step forward.

Whenever I wallow in destructive self-pity, my heart has a tendency to just choose to go numb in the middle of being submerged in feeling. It is easier to get lost in my emotions while the days speed by and the world continue to spin uncaring. I fight back and reclaim my life and my sanity by making the effort to remember that my life only gets shorter with each day I spend hanging on to everything that was important and dear and that has been torn from me because life itself has decided that I deserve something grander.

How long is one lifetime then? For me, the period itself does not matter. It is what happens during that period that counts. If I did my best to rise up against the difficulties and the hurt so I could share my life with others and inspire and give joy, then it is a lifetime well-spent, and an eternity that just keeps getting better.

1:51 AM 11/12/2011

False Memory (Dean Koontz, c1999)

2011-09-10T20:30:00.000+08:00

Life is an unrelenting comedy. Therein lies the tragedy of it. - Martin Stillwater

***

Psychological progeriac - one who is mentally old even as a kid

***

Love is a sacred garment, woven of a fabric so thin that it could not be seen, yet so strong that even mighty death could not tear it, a garment that could not be frayed by use, that brought warmth into what would otherwise be an intolerably cold world - but at times love could also be as heavy as chain mail. Bearing the burden of love, on these occasions when it was a solemn weight, made it more precious when, in better times, it caught the wind in sleeves like wings - and lifted you.

***

Life offers infinite possible roads. Sometimes your head chooses the route, sometimes your heart. And sometimes for better or for worse, neither head nor heart can resist the stubborn pull of fate.

***

...if you were always guided by courage, honor, self-respect, honesty, and compassion, and if you kept your mind and your heart open to the lessons that this world teaches you, then you would eventually understand the meaning of your existence, perhaps even in his this world, but certainly in the next. Such a philosophy virtually guaranteed a better life, less shadowed by fear than the lives of those who were convinced of meaninglessness.

***

Action... was the answer to most problems. Fear, despair, depression, and even a lot of anger result from a sense that we're powerless, helpless. Taking action to resolve our problems is healthy, but we must apply some intelligence and a moral perspective if we have any hope of doing the right and most effective thing.

***

What I don't understand, I can't fight.

***

The mind is so delicate. One of the big things wrong with this world is... so many people want to screw with other people's minds, and they cause so much damage.

***

How awesome too and humbling, to present her most fundamental self to him, to be so naked and helpless, with no defense except absolute trust.

***

For all his faults, Skeet was a gentle soul, and his heart was kind; in a wolrd where kind hearts were more rare than diamonds, he was a treasure flawed but a treasure nonetheless.

***

Funny how hope raises its lovely head when at least expected, a flower in a wasteland.

A tale of the needy heart...

2011-09-07T02:35:00.000+08:00

"Hope. I have never lost it and yet, it may have come in another more insistent form this time - the voice of a stranger who can be a friend." - Falling In

...and the stranger became a friend and then some. And the needy heart felt that maybe, just maybe it can actually dare to let go and try to feel what it is like to take the plunge and fall. "Free will" as the black-garbed angel once said. Because for the first time, it had finally felt that it was liked and appreciated; that it was welcome.

What was wrong with that last sentence was the verb - it just FELT. No matter how strong those feelings were, words remained unsaid. The friend, though it had said repeatedly that it will break free soon, remained committed to another. The needy heart, being needy, chose to stay and offered itself as a friend. Because the welcoming warmth felt good, it chose to stay though it felt like a fly trapped in sticky, stifling honey.

Friendship is very good but where is the freedom to be spontaneously passionate and trustingly real? The needy heart wants too much - the close friendship and so much more, it is almost greedy. Yet it stayed. It settled for something good, hoping that patience will give way to something better; something more. But it could not rest. It fears that it has waited far too long. It wants to move on but tenderness and passion's promise is a heady enticement that it could not just shake itself free from.

If you can have your say, what is the needy heart to do? Wait for a promise that was never even said; or run and find what else is out there to take?

But it has never known how to take, just to give....

Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen, 1813)

2011-09-03T05:11:00.000+08:00

Pride is a very common failing... there are very few of us who do not cherish a feeling of self-complacency on the score of some quality or other, real or imaginary. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

***

I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love.

I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love.

Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.

***

I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.

***

We can all begin freely - a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement.

***

There are few people whom I really love and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and everyday confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense.

***

Is not general incivility the very essence of love?

***

I know that you could be neither happy nor respectable unless you truly esteemed your husband, unless you looked up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage. You could scarcely escape discredit and misery.

My child, let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life.

Under construction...

2011-08-08T18:40:00.000+08:00

... ang aking

main Blog (ito yun!)
Blog FB Fan Page (taray!)
puso (ay merong ganon...)
career (Lord, Lord... Lord!)

so, kelan ang due date?!

ahmmm.

all in God's time. :)

AMEN.

tag-init.

2011-05-08T05:23:00.004+08:00

Para lang bang bituin
na maglalandas sa kalawakan.
O bagay na ibabato sa 'yo
mula sa kung saan.
Bubuhos nga ba sa isang iglap,
o di kaya ay dahan-dahan...

Darating ka nga ba Pag-ibig?
Sa paano nga bang paraan?

@Oceanview Suite 4 Balcony
7 May 2011

*masama talaga sa akin ang hanging dagat... hehe

Not in hibernation...

2011-04-28T22:05:00.005+08:00

Hibernation?! It is summer, for sunflowers sake! And yes, even as the summer is reaching its hottest days, so is my workload picking up. There's tons still to be done...

Sabi ni Baden, isa sa mga favorite kong FB friends, ituloy ko daw ang blog ko. Of course my dear! I will. To not write will drive me crazy. There simply aint no other way to deal with the chorus of voices of my imaginary friends bugging me all the time, especially when at rest or in transit. It is why I have endured as a "newbie blogger" for the last 4 years...

I am just going through so much right now that all updates are stuck either in my head, or in my text files, or as reminders in the Calendar of my archaic mobile phone. Having attended the iBlog7 as a librarian has given me a whole new sense of direction with regards to blogging and my online life in general, I actually am itching to just execute my plans and see where it will take me.

I am approaching a major crossroad. I so look forward to a grander adventure. For the meantime, I hope my silent readers stay with me as I do my metamorphosis bit by bit. Or better yet, they start generating their own online content. ;D Right Baden?!

Happy writing and reading!

Friend.

2011-03-04T22:09:00.012+08:00

you are someone i look at
yet do not see
coz instead i see possibilities
the flowering of a tree
the fulfillment of a dream
things not yet there but can be
should you dare but reach....

and i want to be
part of that which will make your dreams
real.

A chronicle of pain

2011-02-25T21:04:00.003+08:00

"Hey, anybody in this world. Can you talk to me awhile. find a reason for it all. Coz I can't make it backwards to a place I've never been, to a home that never was, it's like I'm losing it again..... I wanted to let you know me, but I'm trapped inside the fear. And I never said a word that you always seem to hear. When I take so long to say these words, can you wait so long for me?"
- Nothing is Real / The Goo Goo Dolls,Something for the rest of us, c2010

Sometimes how we feel inside can be so strong it is almost like physical pain. It incapacitates. It weakens. It make us feel so damningly helpless. Yet it can be redeeming if we find the strength to try to understand where it is coming from and how we can overcome it. But that almost always means that we 'd have to go through hell first....

Hell is every waking day that we feel frozen, unable to decide, overcome by the fear that what we want may not be the best thing, and thus we are torn between choosing what can make us happy and what ideally is right. Hell is being emotionally overcome, even in public places. Tears come unbidden and you will pretend to close your eyes and sleep so that no one will notice. Hell is to judge yourself as pathetic, because you seem to be on the verge of losing it and you cannot even cry for help.

***

I guess nothing is ever real unless we regard it to be, even pain. But rationalization can only do so much to keep us sane. There comes a time when the only way we can survive the tumult of our feelings is to deal with it head on; to ask ourselves the questions that need asking; to make a choice. And it does not end there. We'd also need to find the courage to take it at the source. Action is key. It can lead to more pain, but if it can help us find answers to our questions, then it will be worth it.

Even in history, peace had always come with a terrible price. xD

Violets for the blue...

2011-02-22T00:02:00.019+08:00

For some reason, last V-day found me at the height of my last great depression. On the morning of the 15th, I was at the office early enough to afford to walk slowly up the hill that is our building. I was feeling heavily the weight of the world on my shoulders when I chanced to look down and see these bunch of blooms. It was my first time to really notice these flowers though I have always passed by the same stairs every day. I immediately took note of the color. It was lavender, a lighter shade of violet - the color of remembrance...

It is easy to lose ourselves in our everyday problems and forget that there is a God out there who cares; that we matter to Him because eventually, how we feel and what we do because of how we feel affects the Universe at large.

God remembers. It was a simple message brought by these flowers that warmed my heart and gave me the strength to go through the day, trusting that all restlessness and fear will be overcome by the encompassing love of One Great Power who cares for me dearly and without any question.

A Valentine Story...

2011-02-14T13:45:00.010+08:00

Sometimes, the most mundane things, if viewed from another perspective, can give you surprising insights, or reveal hidden stories...

Isa ito'ng inabandonang plato ng sisig. Hulaan nyo na lang kung sino yung nagbitaw ng dialogue... ;p

Happy V-day!

Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: the power of romantic passion (Dr. Ethel S. Person, c1989)

2011-02-12T19:45:00.001+08:00

We are all too easily seduced away from the truth, the reality,of our own inward experience,which may often seem beyond communication and hence beyond respect or value.Too easily,in the name of the good,or the rational,or the moral,or the Christian,or the democratic,or even the merely socially acceptable,we blink away the actualities of our condition - the feelings, drive, dreams, and desires that express,with painful accuracy,the depths at which really live. Not where we think or imagine we should live, or where society advises us to live, but where our lives are fueled and our deepest satisfactions experienced - this is what we disregard. We allow ourselves too often to live lives that are secondhand and largely theoretical, devoted to goods we do not truly desire, to gods in whom we do not truly believe.

Many neurotic attachments are based on dependency needs or the fear of being alone.

Now for the first time, she saw her own extremity, saw that it was some failure in self-love that obliged her to snatch blindly at the love of others, hoping to love herself through them, borrowing their feelings, as the moon borrowed light. She herself was a dead planet.

... the real saints are those who have gone beyond exercises of the intellect and returned to the faith through feeling. Only feelings lead to truth; the body does not lie.

Love evokes in us something positive; at its best it gives us a sense of goodness, restoration, harmony, and mutuality. Because of the way in which each lover sees the other as his best self, the worth of each, previously buried or unrealized, is allowed to surface. It is this goodness towards which love strives. The lover feels expanded, conscious of new powers and a newfound goodness within himself. He attempts to be his best self, not in th sense of putting his best foot forward, as he might be in his courtship, but in the deeper sense of rising to the occasion, of feeling stretched by a new and profound experience. The beloved sees good in the lover, of which the lover was only dimly aware. Often what allows us to fall in love is the lovely picture of ourselves reflected in the lover's eyes. That picture enables us to love ourselves and hence to love another. We often become more lovable as a result of being loved. The new self is richer and fuller.

In the deepest sense, we come to know very few people, and so may always treasure those few with whom we enacted those basic dramas that shaped our identities and our destinies.

Affectionate bonding is based on mutuality and warmth and, above all, on trust and loyalty. This kind of bond provides what Lasch called a "haven in a heartless world". Our picture of such relationships conjure up hearth and home, family pleasures, a leisurely pace, and homely comforts. In the best of such relationships, the lovers have constructed for themselves a context rich with meaning: they maintain a joint memory bank share long-standing jokes, constantly re-edit their family mythology, update the picture albums, and exchange tokens and tidbits. Their bond is that of shared ongoing values, habits and pleasures. In short, the lovers validate each other's lives and provide enough warmth not only for themselves but for those around them.

George Sand to her son Maurice:
To marry without love is to serve a life-sentence in the galleys. I heard you say not so long ago that you thought yourself to be incapable of loving anybody always, and could give no guarantee that you would be faithful to your marraige vows. If you really mean that, then do not get married at all, because, if you do you will, in the long run, become a cuckold, and deservedly so. If you married in that state of mind, you would merely be sharing your life with a brutalized victim, a jealous fury, or a dupe for whom you could feel nothing but contempt.
When one truly loves one is quite certain that one will be faithful. One may be wrong, but one believes it; the vows one makes are made in good faith, and one is happy for as long as one remains true to them. If an exclusive love cannot last a lifetime..., it does at least give many happy years as long as the belief that such a thing is possible persists.....

One of the joys of real intimacy is the freedom it gives to shuck off all the layers of adulthood that may feel superimposed and much too heavy.

One must not forget that one of the greatest joys of love is release from the self, and one facet of release from self is the release from obligations, from seriousness, from the constraints of maturity and the world of considered judgement.

... it is part of the trust and gift of love that in it we can enact fantasies that reflect part of us- the part that we reserve for soul mates, not for the everyday buzz.

Love is a creative synthesis. Because it is synthesized in the realm of the imagination, sometimes it cam, when necessary, survive and even thrive there.

The self's vulnerability is greatest precisely at that time when the potential for expansiveness and change is at its peak. But for the lover who assents to the opening up and letting go demanded by passionate love, the rewards may be as great as the risks.

Truth resides in the process of searching.

The danger of suffering in love is nothing compared to the danger of feeling that one has never lived, that one has never taken the risk of feeling wholly vulnerable and alive.... Suffering is less an agony than to live without affect. We are all ruled by a horror vacui, and as long as suffering is not beyond our powers of endurance or without hope of termination, it is a reminder that we are alive, while affectlessness is a reminder that we are failing to live. Our secret fear is that nothing can move us, and our ambition to be safe and secure is at odds with this other basic drive towards realization through feeling.

5th July 2005

Kahlil Gibran -- Letters

2011-01-29T16:47:00.000+08:00

Excerpts from Kahlil Gibran's letters for his family works translated from the Arabic by Anthony R. Ferris

The most beautiful thing in life is that our souls remained hovering over the places where we once enjoyed ourselves. I am one of those who remembers such places regardless of distance or time. I do not let one single phantom disappear with the cloud, and it is my everlasting remembrance of the past that causes my sorrow sometimes. But if I had to choose between joy and sorrow, I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the whole world.
- letter to Nakhli Gibran, 1908

...Do you believe that you can help me with your thoughts and affections? Can you look into the depth of my heart and understand the misery which God has placed in it? All I ask of you is to feel with me and have faith in me and believe in me
- to Nakhli Gibran, September 27, 1910

I became desperate, but despair... is an ebb for every flow in the heart; it's mute affection.
...yet in every winter's heart there is a quivering spring, and behind the veil of each night there is a smiling dawn. Now my depair has turned into hope.
- to May Ziadeh, November 1, 1920

So you are on the brink of madness. This is a good bit of news, majestic in its fearfulness, fearful in its majesty and beauty. I say that madness is the first step towards unselfishness. Be mad and tell us what is behind the veil of "sanity". The purpose of life is to bring us closer to those secrets, and madness is the only means. Be mad, and remain a mad brother to your mad brother.
- to Mikhail Naimy, 1921

21st February 2003

Yes!

2011-01-21T22:49:00.002+08:00

Sa wakas.... natikman din kita! :D

Falling in.

2011-01-07T00:29:00.014+08:00

I am dead scared. Still. And I do not know what to do about it.

The cold wind rushing past my face that brought this realization was both balm and bite to my numbed heart. I am so tired of theory but so many excuses are available to hasten my retreat whenever I feel the least temptation to just give in. And now, two decades later, I still am. Alone. Waiting.

Hope. I have never lost it and yet, it may have come in another more insistent form this time - the voice of a stranger who can be a friend. It merely repeated everything I have ever told myself in the past years. And yet, how it made me see. I'd like to hate it because it made me yearn, the strength of which is now magnified a hundredfold. It made me want to break free from my rational self and just feel. But how? How can I give in to so much vulnerability? I am dead scared that I'd lose myself and won't be able to find my way back.

I need to let go. I need to fall. In the words of Lestat de Lioncourt, I need for my fears to start "breaking the shell around me so that something else could spring to life".

Someone, someone...

I need someone to grab my hand and make the jump with me.

"Falling in love is like jumping off a tall building." by http://sayingimages.com/

---

"... although it's hard and scares me so, a life without you scares me more." - The Last Flight Out / Plus One

12:29 AM 1/7/2011

Reach.

2011-01-05T22:34:00.001+08:00

Christmas and New Year's Eve have always been occasions to bond with family and friends. Mine was like that. Yet it was also so much more. I was given a chance to reach out and connect on a much deeper level this time. The surprising thing is that only then did it dawned on me that the more you connect with someone, the more you also connect with, and discover yourself.

I already know through experience that the quality of people you are with are mainly the reasons why you stay longer for a job, a conversation, or any other sort of experience. However, only now did I really understand that our lives are mainly shaped by our experiences with people. Our perspectives are colored by how we feel and these feelings are created through our interactions with each other. Thus, how we feel about life and how we make decisions about it depends on both the quality of people we are with, and that of our experiences with them. Positive people and events evoke positive feelings in us and empower us. Negative experiences, on the other hand, weaken us and limits the capacity of our human potential.

So I say, reach. Reach out to someone and at the same time, reach within. Let us all find the courage to share the best of ourselves with others every time we get the chance to. Connecting is the first step to awareness and therefore, to meaning. And when we have found meaning, we cease to exist. We begin to live.

Have a blessed 2011! :)

Closed for the holidays.

2010-12-21T22:21:00.005+08:00

I was sitting on the stairs, waiting for my office-mate to come out so we can go home when I realized that I will not be seeing this 'image' for at least a week or so. Silly enough but I got nostalgic. So I took a snapshot.

This library demands so much from us that we barely have time to appreciate the finer things around us, but it sure will be worth missing when I'm no longer part of the force behind this dynamic institution.

I love EnggLib2! :D

Merry Christmas everyone! We open again on January 4. Do not forget to return your books on time to avoid incurring fines. ;)

I have a crush on you...

2010-12-11T20:49:00.000+08:00

We all had them,and still do, in gradeschool, high school, college, and even at work. They can be our seatmate, playmate, teacher, neighbor, classmate, or our own friend. Did we let them know? Shall we? But how, why, and what good will it do us or them? Such is the dilemma, the frustration, the angst associated with crushes, especially with serious cases. No, it is not just a juvenile thing at all. I personally think that it is as equally frustrating for mature persons to deal with crushes as it is for teenagers. The questions and dilemmas are all the same. Let's enumerate them.

She doesn't know...
Of course, our crush doesn't know. And would you dare tell him or her? Why? What good will it do? Yet personally, I'm the crazy type who do believe that it deserves telling. But of course,one should do so in a careful and light-hearted way without having any expectations. Just tell them exactly why you like them; what quality of theirs you admire exactly. Why? Because it might help them in a positive way like boost their self-esteem. Many of us would have done better if only in the past there was someone who has been brave enough to let us know that we were appreciated, and that we rightfully deserve so because we are quirky, funny, charming, talented, down-to-earth - all the things that make us who we essentially are.

I might scare her...
No, but depending on what kind of person he or she is, either it will be appreciated, shrugged off, or yes, they just might freak out. Your crush' reception will also depend on how you say it, both verbally and through your body language. Say it because you simply need to say or it will kill you ;p Do not say it because you are expecting that he or she will like you in return. Also, when you say it, say why you are saying it. Keep it short. Smile, then walk away. Breathe. And, oh yes, please do it privately or at least, discreetly.

Why ever should I say it in the first place?
First, you will be unburdened. It also might help you overcome the feeling faster. Second, it might just be a sure way for your crush to take notice of you. Let's just both hope it will be in a positive way ;p Third, knowing that someone admires and appreciates him or her just might be a positive thing for your crush. Fourth, it is a test of character for your crush. If he or she behaves rottenly after knowing you like him or her, then you will know that your crush is not worth your admiration and precious time. Go find another one.

Did you ever tell your crush...
..that I like her? Yes, I did. We became friends. Still friends after 8 years. Him? Not yet, but I plan to. Very soon.

So, would you tell you crush that you really, really like her/him?

HOME is 2 hours away

2010-12-03T23:12:00.001+08:00

"...and you commute everyday?!"

It's always what people say when they learn that I live in the Metro South, two hours away from where I work. And to answer the question, yes, I do commute everday. This makes my travel time to a total of 4-5 hours everyday - hours that I can put to better use sleeping, doing a hobby, or a side job, etc. Yet I put up with it. It is a choice I do not regret.

I used to board in a place near the office. I lasted for six months. Yes, it saved me time. It also saved me money. But then even with constant updates through the mobile phone, I became quite detached from the experiences of my family. It felt like being an outsider.

I myself was unsure of my own decision when I moved back home. I forgot all doubts however, as soon as I set foot at home and was greeted by the chaos and noise of my siblings. It is the same thing everyday. There is always someone to greet you with a kiss or a warm hug, and an inquiry as to whether you have eaten yet. What will follow after is an account of the latest news in the family - a funny incident, a quarrel, something to do with school, bills that have arrived... and so on.

I do commute everyday. I get so tired sometimes, I simply want to crawl up the always-broken escalator at my end of the MRT going to Taft. At times, I get to think productively while in transit. Sometimes I daydream. Most often, I just sleep. And then, two jeepneys and a tricycle ride later, I come home and is greeted by the chubby arms of my two-year old niece giving me a fierce hug. "Tita... 'ubong?," she'd ask. It's usually big, white marshmallows but even if it's just my own lip balm or ballpen, she'd still bounce happily. This alone had already made my two-hour trip so much worth the while. I'd travel a thousand miles just for this kind of love. :D

ISNAB (snub)

2010-11-05T22:57:00.000+08:00

"Sure."

One simple word. It would have made much difference if only that single word has been said.

If only...

Then I would have been given free reign to start a friendship with you -- the beginning of beautiful things....

It was unsaid.

It hurt.

I can only say one word.

"Ouch!"

Become a positive force.

2010-10-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

11:57 AM 10/11/2010

I came upon Claudiopoi's post hang-over scribble on happiness and optimism and how social norms keeps us from expressing our feelings.

From my own experiences, I have to agree that being expressive, most often than not, is a source of discomfort for most people. It's like there's an unwritten rule in society that unless you are in airports, weddings, funerals, or other similar venues and events where to be emotionally expressive is a norm, you'd better keep things to yourself.

This is sad because as humans, we were born to feel. What is sadder is that this unwritten rule is also even applied to a positive emotion such as happiness, and to optimism. Why should we be caged thus? "Happiness shared is doubled happiness," so goes an adage. To not share in someone's joy or share our joy with someone else is to rob ourselves of a chance to do something good, and at the same time enrich our life in such a simple way.

What really bothered me however is the thought that happiness and optimism may be regarded as overrated. That happiness is just an illusion believed by optimistic people; that it is not achievable.

I think people writing online ought to write more about happiness and joy than rants about everyday disillusionment. Sure there are days when one really has to bitch around just to get the toxins out of the system. But then, there should be more written testaments that life can indeed be good.

I believe that so much is happening within all of us, small wonderful things, that has to be written, to be described, so that they may become a light of hope for someone else. As I have written before about peace, the fact that there is a term for happiness is itself a manifestation that it exists; that it is real; that it can be real for everyone. Words are powerful instruments that can profoundly change people's lives. The right words can either erode one's faith, or it can reaffirm and inspire and help someone else achieve what was once thought to be impossible or not applicable. If we write more about happiness, we demystify it. We make it more achievable, seeing that we ourselves have been able to experience it in our own lives even without being as popular, as rich, as accomplished, as powerful, as perfect as those whom society thinks has all the happiness in the world.

Let us write about positive things. Let us describe how we have been, how we are, and how we can still be happy. Let us become a positive force. :)