I expect this behavior from Yosemite Sam, but not you Bugs Bunny. I must admit the half-breed quip made me laugh as I enjoy a good racist joke every now and then.

I found out about this clip tonight by watching the documentary Reel Injun on Netflix. I had wanted to see this documentary in 2009 when it first came out, but had to wait till tonight when I stumbled across it on Netflix. It's a great documentary by Cree filmmaker Neil Diamond* who chronicles how the character of the American Indian developed through decades of various portrayals in Hollywood films. There's a natural progression from seeing Indians as a novelty, to seeing them as romantic creatures for a short time, to seeing them as the enemy for a longer period of time (hence the clip above), and to eventually seeing them today as more human than not.

Check out the documentary someday. It's got a bunch of Indians talking about Indians on TV. And it has Clint Eastwood.

*Not the "Solitary Man" that everyone knows.

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This time last week I didn't know what to do.  Megan's ear had stopped hurting but started leaking and we knew something was wrong.  The night before, Megan came home with intense ear pain until 1 in the morning.  We tried to go to a clinic for those who work but don't have insurance the next day but they couldn't see Megan for at least a month.  The receptionist was compassionate though and told us to go to the E.R., that they can't deny us even if we don't have insurance.

We drove around for a bit trying to find a hospital but we didn't find anything.  I'm glad this wasn't an emergency because we didn't know what to do.  I did, however, find out where to go if we needed to hire any day workers.

I was scared, Megan was calm.  She said we should go home to find out where to go so we stopped driving aimlessly and drove home to Google "ER."  Megan's mom works in the finance department at a hospital in New Hampshire so Megan called her and got advice while I went and filled our almost empty gas tank.

When I got back, Megan had found an emergency room that provided financial assistance and so we headed there.

While trying to get to the ER there were so many obstacles that it made the whole situation ridiculous.  Before we even left our apartment, another staff member came by to ask some questions about the School of the Bible final that needed to be reviewed that day.  I handle all the homework so while Megan and I were getting ready to leave I was answering questions about civil government and the Bible while telling my friend that he needed to find someone to grade all their homework today on top of the giving the review he wasn't comfortable with.  Of course this happened on a day that there weren't many staff available.  I don't know how he did everything but he pulled it off.

While we were driving, lights were out and traffic was slow since people had to stop at flashing red lights.  Once we got past that hassle we came to another intersection with wooden 2X4's strewn all throughout it, more slow traffic as cars tried to maneuver their way around them.  Like I said, ridiculous.

I've written about our time at the ER and how we had to borrow money from Megan's parents to pay for her prescriptions.  I struggled with faith throughout that entire ordeal, but God's been faithful in spite of myself.  

Today, one week after we went through all this, the money we had to borrow from Megan's parents was donated to us by two separate donors.  And it's the exact amount we borrowed.  Two separate donors felt moved by God, and obeyed God, to give us money that equalled exactly what we needed for Megan's prescription.  God proved faithful and provided the money we needed!  It's amazing how great God is, how wonderful he is.

I'm working on my faith.  God's helping me with it as well.

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I prayed a lot tonight.  I laid with Megan on our bed in the dark while she had an intense ear ache shoot through her head and I prayed over and over again that God would heal her.  

Megan's been fighting a bad cold for a week and today when she came home from work she was on the verge of tears because of the pain in her ear.  I was completely and utterly helpless with the situation and I had my first true conflict in my heart of whether what we are doing now is what we should be doing.  

We're missionaries living off of limited support and I wanted nothing else than to quit what we're doing and find a job that pays me and gives me health benefits so I could afford to take my wife to the doctor if needed.  God wasn't answering my prayers so I wanted to take things in my own hands, try to fix things without God.

All throughout this evening Megan's been fighting off pain and I've been trying my best to do what I can to alleviate her pain.  While we're finding home remedies and trying them with limited to no results I'm fighting the idea of  leaving YWAM and getting a normal job.  

It is now 1 a.m. and after seven hours of pain, Megan's ear is feeling better while I'm left looking at the aftermath of my weaknesses ripping through my thoughts.  Pride and arrogance seem to be strongholds in my life; the idea that I could fix things better than God can bears a strong witness to that. 

So what's the conclusion?  I don't know.  I still want to be able to take care of my wife when she needs to be taken care of, but I don't want to push God aside to do so.  Things wouldn't work out well that way.  The conclusion I guess is reliance.  Reliance on God and who he says he is and that he'll be faithful to his children.  Our prayers were answered even if it took seven hours.  We prayed two years for a car before we got one.  

I'm weak and it's amazing to me that God still wants to work with me.  He's got an amazing heart for America's indigenous that he's allowing Megan and I to be a part of.  Even if I run at the first sign of trouble.

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I grew up going to a lot of charismatic churches.  I didn't go to those churches my whole life, just when my mom became a Christian and decided to drag me to church along with her every Sunday.  I was in middle school and wanted nothing more than to sleep on those days.  I also had a love affair with a Playstation that took whole days out of my life and I hated being away from it for long periods of time.

The first church my mom went to was an Assemblies of God church lead by, and consisting primarily of, Natives.  Indian Assembly of God was a smaller church planted basically in the center of Albuquerque which had a great community attached to it.  This was our church family for the more formative years of my mom's Christian life.  I went and didn't like it, and I was very vocal about it every Sunday morning as my mom and I would fight with each other every week about whether or not I needed to go to church.  Anyway, this isn't the point.

Since this was an Assemblies of God church they were very open to gifts and moves of the Spirit allowing for times of prophecy and speaking in tongues during the main church service.  Sometimes one person would stand and speak in tongues for a couple minutes then sit down immedietly afterwards.  There would be an eerie silence for a little while until another person would stand and interpret, in the finest King James language around, what the first person had just said.  This would be considered a word from God.  I called bullshit on that many times.  I wasn't a Christian then.  

I'm not saying there wasn't something that God wanted to say to the church.  If God wanted to talk that way to a group of people that's fine, but what I could never understand is why he didn't talk to us on our level.  Why didn't God talk in normal, everyday language to speak to us?  It seems that God would be more than capable of dropping the King James speak and maybe even use some slang to sound hip.  We spent three years at that church and God always spoke to us using Thee's and Thou's.

I eventually became a Christian myself and continued going to charismatic churches.  I've attended a lot of prophetic conferences and have been prophecied over many times in my life.  Most of the time everything was somewhat vague but if I thought hard enough I could make things fit.  Also, since I'm a Native, I would normally get words from God that had to do with my being Indian.  "I saw an eagle flying high in the sky," or "I saw you dressed in full American Indian dress on a horse with the wind flowing through your hair," or "You're a majestic warrior with a bow and arrow."  Maybe God wanted to say something to me with these metaphors but I was lost.   I would smile and nod and walk away trying to figure out why God was telling me something I've always known, I was an Indian.  Why couldn't God speak to me in ways that are unique to me?  

The summer after I graduated high school I was working at WalMart to go to YWAM and attended another prophecy conference that my mom wanted me to go to.  I went to satisfy my mom, not because I thought the prophecy would be that great.  I had experienced enough vague prophecies to keep me from getting into it too much.  I don't remember what the teaching was about other than to guess it was about propehecy, but after the teaching the guy decided to do a bit of prophesying from up front.  The room was fairly small, maybe 50 people were in attendance.  The teacher looked around and chose one lady across the room.  She stood up, he asked her name and prophecied over her and she sat down with very little fanfare.  He chose another woman and did the same thing with the same results.  After she sat down his eyes swung around to my side of the room and I had a gut feeling I was next.  He had me stand up and asked my name.  "Steve."

Then he started giving me a warrior prophecy, though much different than the ones I had before.  This time I wasn't an Indigenous warrior riding a horse with my hair floating in the wind.  This time I was a wrestler.  

I loved the WWF (WWE as it's known today) for most of my life.  I haven't watched it recently but at this time I was heavily into it.  The prophet continued on describing a scene where I was being beaten in the ring by a couple other wrestlers, which normally occurs in the WWE.  Usually during this the wrestlers' buddies are watching in the back and will come running out to huge cheers and slide in the ring and start kicking ass.  When the wrestler getting beaten see's this and has some time to recharge, he'll get up and join in.  Together they'll overtake the two wrestlers that had started the beating.  This is what the guy was prophesying over me.  My tag team partner was God.  

While I was hearing this I started bawling, crying like a baby.  I couldn't hold anything back.  Around this time I was having to give up all my friends to serve God, I was having to make major lifestyle changes and God decided to talk to me.  Though this was God speaking to me in a way that was unique to me and was pertinent to my life at the time.  This was God maintaining my individuality that he had given me.  This was God foregoing the King James, forgoing the Native metaphors, and speaking directly to my heart.  This was when God and I, together, wrestled and defeated the enemy.

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I voted.

Last night I stayed up till three in the morning watching NBC's election coverage and I'm not quite sure why I did so.  I mean it's only the midterms, how exciting could they be?  The answer to most people, my wife included, is that it's not exciting.  Yet I couldn't tear myself away from Brian Williams until he finally left me alone to wallow in my self-pity and self-hatred for staying up so late on a school night.  What was the point?

I voted this year...in a non-presidential election.  I grabbed my license, walked across the street to the Dixie volunteer firefighter's building and stood in line to vote.  There was a line but I didn't wait long.  When I voted in Albuquerque in years past I would wait for at least 10 minutes in line before I could get into the line to use a machine.  Here I was done in 10 minutes.

During the last presidential election I made an agreement with myself to establish my votes on principal rather than to simply vote for the lesser evil.   I did the same thing on November 2nd, 2010.  Watching the election returns showed me that my voting on principal had basically no bearing on the general elections.  The candidates I voted for barely showed up in our local election coverage and had absolutely no mention by Brian Williams.  

Watching all this and not really noticing anyone other than Democrats and Republicans (with a few tea-partiers mixed in there) being talked about, I had a sense of worry that my vote didn't count.  "What good is this voting based on principal going to do me if my vote doesn't amount to much?" I thought to myself.  In all actuality I wasn't necessarily surprised that these elections revolve only around two parties.  I was just having an identity crisis.

No matter my worries I believe my vote did and does count.  In a Republic we all get a chance to voice our opinions on who our representatives in D.C. should be.  And in true Godly individuality we don't have to conform to either Red or Blue.  If I don't see proper solutions, or proper governing/representing, from either of our two main parties then why should I vote to continue the trend?  Especially when there are people out there that seem to fit in more closely with my political beliefs.  

My vote counted even when I didn't vote for either Red or Blue.  I was making my voice heard with a small group of people, but we were still saying we wanted something different.  The only way my vote would have been wasted was if I voted for someone I didn't believe would lead the country based on Godly principles.  My vote would have been wasted if I didn't properly understand what freedom we have when we vote.

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I don't quite know what I was expecting from the Rally to Restore Sanity.  I haven't watched The Daily Show or The Colbert Report for years, mostly because I don't have cable or satellite.  When I was able to watch I did.  At least until I started getting more into politics and found I don't share in the political beliefs that Jon Stewart has.  Despite that fact I still enjoyed the segments when The Daily Show team would create those media montages ridiculing the 24 hour news stream.

Megan and I weren't able to go to the actual event since we're in Texas, though I probably wouldn't have gone if we were in D.C. either since I hate crowds and leaving big events like this is beyond frustrating.  This past week we've been house sitting and one of the many benefits of watching other peoples' dogs and house is their satellite t.v.  I wasn't even planning on watching the rally, but when we woke up and turned on the t.v. we found The Roots playing on Comedy Central and were hooked from there.

My first impression was that The Roots talked a lot about God, forgiveness, life and honesty.  Listening to them was like going to a church service, except the campy music was replaced with an assortment of hip-hop and R&B and there were no ladies in pantsuits and I didn't see any men in v-necks.  The Roots gave an honest interpretation of life and God and I thought that the 100+ thousand in attendance were getting a mild church service brought to them musically.  In fact the whole event replicated a mock church service whether the creators intended to or not.

There was a benediction given by the impeccable Father Guido Sarducci who took it upon himself to, while he was praying, seek God's hand to show everyone what was the right religion.  He named a few religions, Christian denominations, Judaism, Islam, Buddhist, but nothing happened.  He stopped for awhile on Catholocism to make sure there was sufficient time for God to tell everyone that it was the right religion but again there was nothing.  Nothing happened when he said Buddhism which spurred Father Guido to ask if nothing was the sign.  After all this he asked for God's blessing and walked off the stage.

There were skits and there was more music.  My favorite skit had to do with Yusaf Islam (Cat Stevens) and Ozzy Osbourne dueling with their songs "Peace Train" and "Crazy Train" respectively.  Stewart wanted a peace train, but Colbert wanted the crazy.  Overall though I wasn't too interested in the skits.  Maybe they were too long, maybe they just weren't interesting, I don't know.  All I know is that I lost interest during the 'debate'.

The best part of the whole day though, even better than The Roots, was Jon Stewarts final address to the crowd.  The whole rally was about what Jon said at the end of the rally, which was sanity, but it was here where we heard a heartfelt speech bemoaning the rise of the 24/7 news cycle and its effect on America. 

We've heard it before.  Jon Stewart most famously went on the old news program Crossfire to say somewhat the same thing though directed primarily at the hosts of the program.  And Stewart along with the Daily Show team has been excellent at keeping the news channels accountable by ridiculing their fear mongering and divisive rhetoric on almost a daily basis.  "When you amplify everything, we don't hear anything" Jon said.

After watching this rally I felt different.  My perspective has changed.  I had gotten caught up in the black and white world of politics and hated it.  All I heard is "If you don't believe what I believe then your an idiot."  Whether it's the Huffington Post or the Daily Caller, the Daily Kos or Redstate, they are all saying the same thing..."you're either our friend or our enemy."  So as Americans we are pushed to choose sides and take in everything our chosen side gives us as truth with no argument.  Whether this is their intention or not I don't know, but this is how I feel and I don't think I'm alone.

That may be why Stewart and Colbert have such a strong youth following.  The newer generations always strive to be different than the older ones and these new generations don't like the divisiveness.  Neither does The Daily Show or The Colbert Report.  The youth have found their voice.  "We can have animus and not be enemies," Jon said.

After Jon's sermon on love was over and Comedy Central switched to Hot Fuzz, I was left with a new hope for America.  If this is the way the youth are heading then I have hope they will continue on and do something great.  Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert did a great thing on Saturday.  They gathered together 100+ thousand young people on the National Mall and gave them a message of hope and love, they gave them a church service.  Everyone sat in the pews, sang the hymns, listened to Godly principles and were hopefully changed afterwards.

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I have a lot of fears.  My most ridiculous fear is of river/lake/sea monsters but that's only external, I don't want to get eaten.  I don't like going on boats or swimming in rivers or lakes because of the possible monsters lurking underneath.  "That's an illogical fear" you say, and you're probably right but that doesn't make the fear any less real.  Plus sharks kill people all the time so there's some logic to it.  There just may not be a Nessie or Champ or Kraken waiting quietly for me to swim in their path.

Even so, I have that fear but it doesn't paralyze me all the time.  Sometimes I forget and go swimming in lakes and rivers, but the thought always comes back to me, usually while I'm a ways away from shore.  I'll feel something touch my feet or think I see something or I'll just remember the Discovery channel's special on lake monsters and swim like mad to the shore.  I'm 27, this shouldn't be happening.  

I remember when I was a kid and would be afraid of what was under my bed or whatever monster would be sitting in my closet patiently waiting for my eyelids to drop so that it could attack unannounced to kidnap me or worse, to eat me.  At that age it was enough to ward off attacks just by making sure all my limbs were under the blankets.  I had a sheild and since I'm still alive today it was a damn good one too.  It is embarrassing to admit I did this the other night, though my visions of monsters have changed to a more spiritual demonic nature.  I do have a covering though it's not my blanket, regardless of if I still made sure to put my legs under the blankets.

These fears are petty and for the most part illogical, though sharks do still exist I don't think I have too much to worry about in lakes and rivers unless there are river sharks then the whole world is going to hell.  These fears don't paralyze me.  The ones that do are even more stupid.

I have a problem just being myself.  In fact I want to be anything but myself.  I'll create these personas that are nothing like me just so I can be cool or liked by other people who probably wouldn't care if I just acted like myself in the first place.  The fears that paralyze me aren't the illogical ones about sea monsters or monsters in the closet, the fears that paralyze me are the ones that attack my self-esteem.  The question "but what would they think?" is always the ghost that haunts my thoughts.  

"I want to start a blog, but what would people think of my thoughts when they get to know what I think.  I want to tell a joke but what would people think about me after I tell it (to be fair I have been enjoying racist jokes lately so I probably shouldn't relay those jokes around where I'm at because we have a quite diverse staff)?  I want to teach a certain way or make a point while teaching that has the potential to backfire.  I want to write a book but will anyone other than my mom enjoy it?  I want to take a chance but what if I fail?"  These fears are the ones that paralyze me every single day.

Unfortunately, the common prescription to get past a fear is to face it head on.  If you have a fear of heights go skydiving.  I don't have a fear of heights but I do have a fear of falling.  I think that's natural though.  I used to have a crippling fear of public speaking until I started working as a teacher in the School of the Bible.  I had to get over that real quick.  Last year, in an effort to help myself teach better, I decided to face my fear of public speaking and take any opportunity to teach that I could.  The year was incredibly tough but today I'm far more comfortable speaking in public than my high school days where I would ditch class every time I had to give a presentation.  At least now I don't get sick at the prospect of having to teach a group of people.

So then, in order to get past my fears of what people think of me I'm going to have to start putting my ideas and thoughts out there.  If I'm going to write a book I'm going to have to take a risk to get started and to let people read it.  If I'm going to be myself I'm going to have to be honest with myself.  No more putting on a show.  Every day is real, every moment is real, every relationship is real.  I'm scared, but I'm going to do it.

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This is my seventh attempt, roughly, at blogging.  I don't know if I care so much about blogging as I do fixing up blogs with my limited knowledge of html and css.  The results being a graveyard of various blogs with decent headers and properly aligned words, but lacking the most important soul of a blog...good content.  After tweaking the blog to my liking I was left with nothing but myself and my words, or links to other peoples' words depending on the blog.  I've never enjoyed blogging for one simple reason, I never wrote for myself.  

Each previous attempt at blogging was to cater to some sort of specific niche or people group.  One of them was even somewhat very mildly successful and popular, but even then I was bored with it.  I didn't feel like I could be myself because all I wanted was to please the readers.  If I didn't please them then I would lose them and then what would my blog be.  To me at the time, the secret to being a good writer was people liking you.

So first and foremost this is a personal blog and I'm hoping to always keep it that way.  And the only reason I'm writing this post is to remind myself of what I'm doing here.  I need to practice writing.  I love the idea of writing but I hate the action of writing.  I have no discipline and so I'm hoping this blog gives me the deadlines I need to actually write.  There is no other way for me.  I don't just write to write, at least not yet.  

I do have a lot of hesitations about keeping a blog.  

"Isn't this a little pretentious to want to put all your writing in one place for everyone to see?  The writing isn't even that good."

"Why don't you just write for yourself, that way you can write and not have to worry about what people think of you?  This way you can avoid embarrassment."

"What do people care about what you think?  Keep your thoughts to yourself lest people get to know who you really are."

"You're too pretentious, too wordy, too religious, too many comma splices, too many grammar mistakes, etc., etc., etc."  

Despite my inner emo kid I think I'll strive on and update this blog quite regularly.  I want to post something each day.  More specifically I want to post something that forces me to write.  I'll probably post other things as well, stuff floating around the internet that interests me.  But the main focus of this blog is to get myself writing.  Even if all I have to post is a shitty first draft I'm going to post it.

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