Note from Ashe: It’s not often I address the topic of blogging on my site, but when DeeDee originally wrote “Reality,” I thought she was on to something larger I wanted to see discussed.  It’s something that has impacted a lot of bloggers and, I believe, our relationships with our blogs, other bloggers, and those who are kind enough to read our sites. It’s something I’ve struggled with myself, and I hope you’re as moved by DeeDee’s post as I am!

When Ashe asked me to follow up on the “Reality” rant I wrote back in January, decrying the fact that so many outfit blogs seem to have completely lost touch with the day-to-day reality of their readers’ lives, I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea. In the post itself I confessed that much of the frustration I was feeling sourced directly to me — my dissatisfaction with my winter wardrobe, my discouragement at having visibly gained weight and the deep gray that descends over everything where I live when winter hits its nadir. Perhaps I should just file it under “venting” and move on.

But then I realized I do have more to say about the state of our fashionable little corner of the blogosphere — and even though I fear it’s going to meet a lot of resistance, I think it needs to be said. And it’s still about reality, and our increasingly tenuous grasp on it.

I started blogging in 2001, writing about my work life on Blogger back before Google bought them out and made Evan Williams a very rich man. In those days, before the word “blog” had enough cache to make the dictionary, the buzz around “web-logging” was about relationships — people of like mind connecting with one another around shared interests. I didn’t really believe there were enough people who cared about my particular interest — back then it was postmodern philosophies of spirituality — to comprise a community of readers, but I threw my stuff out there into the ether anyway and was thrilled to see comments begin to trickle in. Contrary to all the deep existential fears I hadn’t even realized I had, I wasn’t alone after all.

Fast forward a decade. I’m still writing a blog on a niche topic (and by “niche” I mean “I can’t believe anyone other than me actually cares about this stuff”) and I’ve found a really wonderful little online community to allay those still-present existential fears. But blogging itself has changed, hasn’t it? If you’re in the fashion blogosphere, whether as a creator or consumer of content, then I bet you know just what I’m talking about. The contrast of today’s experience with that of a decade ago couldn’t be more stark, could it? What happened?

Somewhere, somehow we lost the plot. Somehow, blogging became marketing.

You feel it too, don’t you? Blogs plastered with more ads than a NASCAR jumpsuit. Pictures of a blogger who is (allegedly) “a girl just like you” — except all the clothes she’s wearing were given to her free of charge by companies whose products you can rarely even afford to buy off the discount rack. A bit of cutesy or sarcastic commentary, always ending with a question that seems to invite you to a conversation (“How would you guys rock this awesome dress?”) but is really just a transparent ploy to get more comments.

Because more comments means more free clothes. And maybe a free trip to Fashion Week. Or a book deal. Or maybe they just mean a little added income to help make ends meet or pay off student loan debt. I’m not sure it matters all that much. It’s still marketing.

We still talk a a lot about relationships, maybe even more than we did in 2001, but today we have to add the adjective “authentic” because so many of the “relationships” we’ve been building with our blogs or social media are patently anything but. We put on workshops to train aspiring “it girls” and pro bloggers to “refine their brand” and “find their market,” reducing a community of readers to a source of cashflow.

Don’t get me wrong — I don’t think there’s anything wrong with blogging for profit. I’m just sick of pretending that pro bloggers are building relationships with the rest of us, their readership. Just because your product is yourself doesn’t mean that your marketing gets magically transformed into a personal connection with us. It’s not, and we won’t be fooled or manipulated into thinking it is, not anymore.

Of course, every engagement between two people is technically a relationship — but I don’t think that’s the way normal people use the word, do you? I don’t consider myself to have a relationship with Brad and Angelina, though I love to consume the media they create, and that wouldn’t change if I got what appeared to be a kind note from them on monogrammed, embossed stationary in the mail.

So I just want us all to be clear on this. If you, as a blogger-of-the-moment or aspirant thereto, respect me as a reader and a fan, you’ll stop pretending that you want to build a real, meaningful relationship with me. I find it manipulative and offensive for you to do so, and it cheapens the whole concept of real, meaningful, personal, non-transactional relationships — the kind we all crave. When you fake it for profit, you dangle the hope of ending my existential loneliness in front of me, only to snatch it away when you hear a little jingle in your coffers. Manipulation is not very engaging.

You know what is? Engagement.

There’s a reason we use that word to describe the relationship of two people betrothed. It implies a certain devotion, a faithfulness, a commitment to one another — at least it does to those of us who aren’t besotted with social media marketing buzzword Kool-aid.

So find a way to show me I’m more than just a comment or a click-through to you — unless I’m not. If that’s all I really mean to you, then please quit pretending our “relationship” is something more. Because I can see right through you, once the glow of your popularity has worn off. And believe it or not, I’m actually much more likely to become your fan if you’ll quit feigning that you want to be my friend and just own the fact that what you’re really after is a little celebrity.

DeeDee is a yearling fashion and beauty blogger endlessly fascinated by why we wear what we wear. She blogs at Decoding Dress, lives in Washington, D.C., and has no idea where all this is headed.

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This is the month where I confess that I’m not always impressed with Birchbox. Sometimes the samples they send aren’t so impressive, they’re superbly small (the ONE sample I was excited about I lost because it was so damned small), and I look at it thinking, “I PAID 10 DOLLAHS FOR DIS?”  It is, by far, an imperfect system– though I do appreciate that it has a system where we can leave feedback on the products.

My February 2012 Birchbox contained:

• Eye Rock Designer Liner eyeliner strips: This was a full-sized pack, which is likely where the “value” from the box came from. If you’re a novice (or totally incompetent) at applying a liquid line, this could be great for you.  I found it was just as easy to create the eyeliner styles with real eyeliner, and then it didn’t stick to my eye in weird ways.  Another girlfriend received it, and since she has slight irregularities to her eyes (they aren’t even visible!) found that the product looked dramatically different on each eye. Overall: PASS ON IT.
• Jouer Luminizing Moisture Tint: This sample is smaller than my pinky finger.  I wonder how the hell I can gauge how well I like this product when there isn’t enough to go more than a couple of days.  Compared to make-up tints I’ve used in the past, and loved, this one didn’t impress me. I felt like it didn’t do much to even out my skin tone, but instead just left my skin “dewy”– AKA shiny.
• BLK DNM 11 Perfume**: With notes of incense, musk, black pepper and cedarwood, it’s surprisingly androgynous and delicious. On me, the black pepper and cedarwood were the prominent notes, and it was homey, but unusual. It didn’t make the Beau break out in to sneezing, and while we both liked the scent (it’s lovely!), agreed it just not my personality.
• BENTA BERRY G-1 Moisturizing Face Cream**: This is the sample I was most excited for, to find it was also smaller than my little finger–so small that I headed towards the bathroom to use it, got distracted, and lost the damned thing. SERIOUSLY? Is that really fair? It’s a matte moisturizer from France (ooh la la!) with ingredients like blueberry, dead-nettle, jasmine, burdock, and mandarin.  I may just order this and try it out, because it seems lovely.
• Supersmile Powdered Mouthrinse: This is a single use packet willed with saccharine powder. You add water, kind of mix it, and swish in your mouth.  Then you do it a second time, because a lot of the powder is still in the corners of the packet. In a pinch, or when traveling (Survivor, anyone?), I could see how these could be useful. But for every scenario in my own life, it’s just easier to stash a bottle of mouthwash or pack of gum around.

**Quick reference to the products I liked.

All right Birchbox fans– how’d you score this month? Or have you tried any of the products above (and love or hate them)?

(Want to see more Birchboxes? Check out my January 2012 Birchbox Review and the Cynthia Rowley-curated Birchbox!)

© dramatis personae. If you enjoyed Birchbox: February 2012, please subscribe at dramatis personae. Company links may be affiliate links; see a full list of affiliates here. Be assured that all products have received that Ashe seal of love, lust, & approval.

Hey Dramatis Personae readers! Christy here from Slow Southern Style and I’m ecstatic to be your guest blogger today. My blog focuses on all things Southern, from up and coming designers, fashionable events and, of course, shopping. I like to describe it as a love letter to Southern style, written by a native New Orleanian. Yup, that’s right– I live in New Orleans, same city as Miss Ashe!

February in the Big Easy means one thing– Mardi Gras. While New Year’s Eve is the cap of the holiday season for most, here it is the half way point to Carnival. This means I’m fervently sewing my costume for the biggest party of the year as we speak. For the uninitiated, this whole costume business might seem kind of kooky. But, here in NOLA, any excuse to trek around town in something frivolous–hell, even downright silly– is fair game. People dress up at the drop of a top hat, and you best be prepared.

My Mardi Gras Day itenerary goes something like this:

• Wake up between 5:00-8:00 AM,
• Run around like a kid on Christmas,
• Get dressed, have hubby’s and my traditional breakfast of a shot and a slice of king cake,
• Bike down to the French Quarter,
• Do what we do.
• Fight sheer exhaustion and bike back home right before midnight!

Anything can happen once we are downtown. It’s really a magical, serendipitous day, filled with running into old friends, crashing weird little house parties, impromptu dancing in the middle of the street, and all of this happens before noon. Awesome, right?

Every Mardi Gras (and Halloween too) I whip up a new costume for the big day and head down to the French Quarter. Everyone is sporting something special, from homemade paper mâché unicorn bicycles to roving drum carts with a pole dancing Miss Piggy.  Just showing up isn’t an option– you have to contribute to the fun. It’s hard to pinpoint what makes this holiday almost spiritualistic, but it all boils down to people celebrating the simple essence of fun. After all, according to Catholic tradition, Ash Wednesday is the next day, so you’d might as well get all of your revelry out before Lent starts.

I’ve got some great tips on costuming for Mardi Gras in New Orleans Magazine this month so you can get in on your own DIY action. Happy costuming!

Thanks, Christy!  To read more awesome Mardi Gras related posts, check out my posts on: How to Pack for Mardi Gras; Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler: How to Experience Mardi Gras Like a Local.

© dramatis personae. If you enjoyed It’s Mardi Gras, Y’all, please subscribe at dramatis personae. Company links may be affiliate links; see a full list of affiliates here. Be assured that all products have received that Ashe seal of love, lust, & approval.

Image by David Jubert

I found all of these fantastic posts hidden on a sticky note, meaning to get post. So so lovely older posts, great food & thought to much on.

With the recent death of Whitney Houston & too many men I know making “beaten to death by Bobby Brown” comments, reading I’m Not Okay with Chris Brown Performing at the Grammy’s and I’m Not Sure Why You Are reiterates the anger that I felt towards my male friends. Domestic violence is not okay.  It is not a joke. It’s as simple as that.

No shit: That no shit moment in fashion? Realizing that EVERYTHING celebrities wear–from t-shirts to jeans and evening gowns, is tailored for their bodies.  We do this with costumes in theatre. Think how fab we’d all look if our jeans were tailored to fit our thighs & hips perfectly.

Characters to Channel for Confidence: I really wish I had been this cool when I was in high school, and had found such girls to look up to. But… I did have Buffy, so that’s something.

10 Rules for Fat Girls: Some of these should apply to all girls, or all people– like Don’t Shit Talk Your Body, Don’t Shit Talk Other People’s Bodies, and Stand Up for Yourself.

Changing Your Eating Habits when You REALLY love food: Again, more rules that should just apply to life (like Don’t beat yourself up and Never say never). But as a gal working on bettering her eating habits, who really loves a good cheeseburger or slice of pizza, I find these really reassuring for the days I’m not perfect.

10 Muses & Mistresses in Art History: I love reading about what inspires artists, and more often when it’s women. Too often the muse is relegated to only muse form, when she’s often got quite the lurid and candid role in history herself.  Who’s your favorite Muse or Mistress in history?

The Thing Is.. When you hit 28 or 30…. Being right there, stuck between two types of people, I can see how clearly it really is about not getting stuck and really becoming that person you want to be. Who is super awesome.

Nitty Gritty on the Oil Cleansing Method: I’ve been really curious about the oil cleansing method, and this is a great post breaking down various kinds of oils & the type of skin to use them on, what percentages to start at when trying the OCM, and more.

Happy Mardi Gras, cats & kittens! You’ll find me buried under a mound of beads and booze for the next few days.  Hope your days are quiet & peaceful or rockin’ and raucous!

© dramatis personae. If you enjoyed Links to Love: Confidence, Muses, & Aging A-Go-Go, please subscribe at dramatis personae. Company links may be affiliate links; see a full list of affiliates here. Be assured that all products have received that Ashe seal of love, lust, & approval.

© dramatis personae. If you enjoyed The Lazy Gal’s Guide to Self-Love, please subscribe at dramatis personae. Company links may be affiliate links; see a full list of affiliates here. Be assured that all products have received that Ashe seal of love, lust, & approval.