I’ve got the #NewNewTwitter – cl.ly/CTqf #letsfly

—  Think Different! (@the_reigns) December9, 2011

Did y’all get to check out the embed tweet option? The tweets show up as above.

Now I don’t have to use Blackbird. Though I like the way Blackbird handles my tweets, as below.

Twitter’s embed has a lot less code but it’s because Blackbird’s styles and formatting is inline and Twitter embed is pretty bare. I haven’t tried but I’m sure the minimal styling can be overridden to fit into your blog, site, post or page.

There’s at least one thing I can say I like about “New Twitter“

I don’t feel that anymore. I don’t feel the need to deal out punishment. He’s still in denial about what he has done to me, to us all, but it isn’t my burden to bear, it’s his. I propose a toast to mental / emotional freedom.

His life seems to be moving in a positive direction. I was resentful at one point because it felt like I struggled all my life and he never put in but is living well, in fact a bit better than I am at the moment. He has help. Seeing him just now, I see a man who is working hard, a man who couldn’t wait to tell me about his accomplishments since I last seen him. He just wanted me to know he’s grown…

With that, I’ve grown a little bit myself. I wish him the best. Could be worse, he could have his hand out or fallen again.

He didn’t make my grandmother smile in life but if she sees him now, I’m sure she’s smiling and recognizes everyone’s part in who he is now.

I guess the water works were bound to come… After all it has been more than a year since my grandmother died and I am yet to allow myself to fully mourn. I was told two days ago, that I have changed since she passed away. I don’t doubt this is true.

It wasn’t so much about the infuser. It was about it’s emotional weight in my life. Everything I love, I lose or let go.

Today, I have someone in my life. Let’s say, I don’t want to discuss how I feel about her now. She does mean significantly more to me than anyone has in more than eight years. I am afraid she is going to be gone from my life too.

The friend that bought me the infuser was once one of the closest people to me. She told me that her life was better without me a week before my birthday of this year. The infuser was on it’s way. She reminded me, that I don’t always have a choice on whether or not someone stays in my life. I’ve always known this.

When all is said and done, will I be able to keep that special person in my life? Will my heart go cold again?

This is not how I wanted my first post to after such a long hiatus. I need to come back regularly. I need the therapy. There is so much going on. I feel the pressure… The pipes are ready to burst.

Here I am.
There you are.
Separated by everything,
and nothing,
for I am drawn to you…
despite the distance.

The succession of days
has spawned
obsessive thoughts .
There isn’t a moment
I’m not thinking of you…
fantasizing about you…
longing for you.

You’re no longer on my mind,
You’re inside it.

I can feel you
without holding you.
I can taste you
without kissing you.
With mere words
you carry me to a place
where imagination and actuality
are becoming deeply intimate.

No one has ever held me
the way you envelope me…
and you’ve never touched me.

No one has seduced me
the way you arouse me
and you’re miles away…

You appeal to my sense of self
and leave me fascinated with not only who you are
but who I am as well…

I already marvel at the man you are
and I’ve never seen you…

Imagine what would happen
If we were ever face to face…[sic]

Thirteen (13) years ago it was all so much easier… Becoming a teen father, I thought I had it all mapped out. I was going to go at it with all the best intentions. From the moment my son was born, my life changed. Born minutes after Valentine’s day, I thought our baby would be the glue to hold our doomed relationship together. On his second day, I had been recognized with several other new daddies in one of the local papers, recognized for being there when so many aren’t.

Again, the job seemed so easy then. I mean not easy, there are always obstacles, but I knew what my responsibilities were. I was to instill my values in my little boy. Family, hard work, education… Easy enough right?

I have always been proud of being different than I heard other men were. I was the first up at night with the bottle when I heard him cry. I was prepared for all his little moments. I always made sure my boy was able to eat. You know all the things a father should be doing. I didn’t have a father, donor aside, and could not subject my son to the same.

Days, weeks, months and finally years have gone by… Thinking back to how the older women raved about my parenting, how my little one developed very well and so quickly. Being potty trained and giving up the bottle before turning one (1). He was just ready!

By now, I am sure you are noticing a trend… Where is his mother? Well, she decided that I loved him too much and that I didn’t love her or his older sister enough. Early on, she got sick and when she was better, I guess she just did not want to be a mother anymore.

So many things have happened over the years. I don’t and never have had all of the answers. I have been pretty good at faking it or making the best of it. Now, my son is 13, a man in some cultures. He has so far to go, but he is so close. The demi-man has been through so much. He is so intelligent. He is so mature. He learned so much early on about dealing with the people closest to him, but what about the outside world.

Much of his lessons were learned watching me. What about all the things that I can’t teach him? All the things a boy needs to learn from his mother. Things like what a woman is supposed to be. In my eyes, a boy should learn the traits of a strong woman from his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, just like he learns what is is to be a man from the men in his family. They have all fallen short.

How do you teach a young man the differences between a girl, a woman, a lady, when the differences are so fine? How do you teach him to respect her when he doesn’t trust what should have been the blueprint. How does he learn to love her and be compassionate and supportive, when she turned her back on him during moments that counted most.

I am still learning these lessons myself. I guess, I have to deliver my lessons on the fly and have faith that he has learned enough to make the best of whatever else I can teach him.

I have a fresh view of what I need a woman, my woman, to be. While this view is as incomplete as we were when we got together and set out to be what we have become. Our hearts are together always, though our bodies are far apart.

I remember you admonishing me for my gentleness with you. My goal was not ever to release but to hold on as long as I could.

Sometimes, it was just enough to lay inside you… My body on yours… My cheek to your breast. Coming up only for the nourishment I found on your lips. Looking into your eyes, beautiful though they were, reminded me that, then, you were mine… But only in that moment. I was never to hold you forever, like we talked about.

Soon we learned to treat each other as properly. Our hunger for each other fed and ultimately sated. You learned to nurture my love with the gentleness I needed to soothe my angers and aggression and give me a sense that my world was not as lonely as I had thought. You taught me to unleash my fury on you… After all, this is what you had wished for all along.

Gripping your throat, biting your lip… Your legs on my shoulders… penetration, now a series of quick introductions and slow exits… Hastening to the rhythm or our tandem heartbeats… Turning you over, reaching for my belt… Your long strawberry scented hair wrapped around my fingers… Wielding my thick leather strap as if it were a master’s brush painting your milky white canvas various degrees of red with every stroke.

Then finally, together, we let go… Our pains, suffering, frustrations, doubts… Laying together, your body wrapped in mine… The both of us trembling. I kiss your shoulder… The laughter starts. We laugh and laugh as we watch the light of Sun as it rises behind us on the wall… We begin to slowly drift off… Memories of the night that has just gone and hopes for the night to come.

Soon after that we were regular visitors in each other’s beds, multiple sessions per visit, rarely missing a day… Often cursing nature for interrupting our bonding.

I became intoxicated with you. Could never see a future without you. I still feel you here. Often you invade my dreams. Thoughts of your muscular legs around my thick trunk. Sweat glistening on your deep cocoa skin… Beads of sweat dripping off of my face and riding through the deep valley of your bosom.

The warm candy liqueur of your lips giving loaning me the courage to venture deeper in… inside you. Your scent heightening my desire. You throw your head back as your body reaches it’s limit and you exhale as you release…

You were so ready to give yourself to me completely. I couldn’t let that happen, I did not want either of our identities to be lost to the other. We were both trying so hard to define ourselves as individuals and set ourselves apart.

What if we did? I mean all those years ago, what would have happened? Who would we be if we got together and started building our lives for each other instead of for ourselves? So many years later, I still wonder. Still, I don’t regret my choices where you are concerned.

Some day maybe we’ll find some answers to all of those questions we had. Maybe you’ve found them with someone else already. As for me, I don’t know anything more than I did then except that you are better off than you would have been with me.

I have arrived at a new level of uncertainty recently. Nothing is as I had hoped it would right now. I had so many plans, now deferred indefinitely.

That is not to say I haven’t made any positive progress. I filled out all of my financial aid forms for the 2009-10 academic year. If I can find a decent paying job, I’ll take a couple of summer classes. I am waiting a couple of weeks to apply to the school, so I can try to get the application fee waived.

Shocking and possibly horrifying to some of you… I held my son’s brother. That is the right, better, way to think of him… Isn’t it? Well, my son asked me to be there for him. After swaying his view of the situation, I guess the obvious response is to alter my own opinions of that situation. I have to teach my son to be a better man than most and finally a better man than I am. There is no better way to do this than to be a better man myself. Still, I will not assume a paternal role, but I am open to the children of strangers, why not hers. Afterall, she did go half on my greatest achievement to date.

I have come to the realization that I have too many distractions. I have managed to disconnect and in some cases severed, completely, my extraneous inputs. I now have distractions for my distractions.

I am battling the lonelies and a bit of depression. I know I will not be right until everything else comes together. I am trying, I realize that I haven’t put my all in. Find myself feeling sorry for myself. I know I can and will do better. Let’s see where I go with this.

I decided do the 40 days, 40 nights deal during Lent, which actually comes out to 46 days and nights. Some wondered why, being that I am not religious, would I engage in a period of self-denial, especially during this specific time?

Short answer… Self-discipline. Why during this time? Simply because it’s a specific period of time. I don’t have to think about the number of days aside from when I decided to do it and it’s clearly marked on the calendar by it’s beginning Ash Wednesday and it’s ending Easter. There are little visual cues on those days that let me know when to begin and when my penance is over.

Overall, it wasn’t too difficult. Had to get creative with some stuff, had to revisit some old ways and tried a couple of new things.

I gave up red meat, all added sugar and sex. Giving up sugar wasn’t that hard. I didn’t allow myself any candy or other sweets like cookies, cake, donuts… I could not sweeten any drinks I may have had such as tea or coffee. I did have sugar in juice and some drinks that just had it in there.

Sex was a whole other thing. I haven’t had sex since January. The problem is, when you consciously give it up, you have to either say “No” or avoid situations where it will be too difficult to resist a taste. I wasn’t having it in any way during my time of sacrifice. No self-pleasure, no friend, no receiving, no giving, no fingering, no… well you get it. It was so hard, no pun intended, waking up with my hand in my boxers most days.

Anyway, I made it through, well almost… Two more days to go.

On the job front, I have gotten some calls which in the end yielded no results. This week, I missed an opportunity because I haven’t been checking my mail. I have just been out of it the last couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago, I lost a couple of friends in a car accident. Then there is Sunshine, who is convinced that my life is what it is because she is a part of it. She thinks she is bad luck for me. I love her. She is one of my closest, oldest, dearest friends.

Anyway, I wanted to keep this as short as possible. I will do another update later today or some time before the weekend is out. I hope you are all well.

Off topic: In my air Warm Vanilla Sugar scented candle.

Anyway, some of you seem to not understand that sometimes, I just need my space. This time, I just needed more. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like being around people. I just feel like being alone. I thought some of you guys would be (t)here regardless.

Over the last month or so, some of the people closest to me have been taking out their frustrations on me. I guess they forget, I have my own myriad of issues to deal with, which I try very hard not to put off on them. I don’t want them to worry about me, they have enough on their plates.

Yes… I am guilty of neglecting my various social networks. Yes… I have been keeping company and conversing with some new people, a couple of which I think will make great additions to my circle in the long run. It’s just that we don’t have that deep a stake in each other yet… Though it seems they rush more to comfort me than the people who know me. I appreciate it.

The lovely Ms. Janie Jones has been one such friend. She is just there. Makes me smile. We talk about absolutely nothing. She is an example of exactly what I need now. I just need someone to be there when I need them to be.

I am trying to make sense, still, of the clutter in my life and make the necessary trims and alterations. I wish I could accommodate everyone, I know I can’t. I know for better or worse this is where lines will be drawn and crossed. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I am seriously unsure about everything.

Just let me relax. What you do or don’t do these days are being weighed in my mind. I am paying more attention to some things and less to others. Thank you for being there for me. If we’ve come to our fork in the road and it’s time to part ways… I understand… I wish you all the best. I won’t soon forget you.