Here I am.
There you are.
Separated by everything,
and nothing,
for I am drawn to you…
despite the distance.

The succession of days
has spawned
obsessive thoughts .
There isn’t a moment
I’m not thinking of you…
fantasizing about you…
longing for you.

You’re no longer on my mind,
You’re inside it.

I can feel you
without holding you.
I can taste you
without kissing you.
With mere words
you carry me to a place
where imagination and actuality
are becoming deeply intimate.

No one has ever held me
the way you envelope me…
and you’ve never touched me.

No one has seduced me
the way you arouse me
and you’re miles away…

You appeal to my sense of self
and leave me fascinated with not only who you are
but who I am as well…

I already marvel at the man you are
and I’ve never seen you…

Imagine what would happen
If we were ever face to face…[sic]

Thirteen (13) years ago it was all so much easier… Becoming a teen father, I thought I had it all mapped out. I was going to go at it with all the best intentions. From the moment my son was born, my life changed. Born minutes after Valentine’s day, I thought our baby would be the glue to hold our doomed relationship together. On his second day, I had been recognized with several other new daddies in one of the local papers, recognized for being there when so many aren’t.

Again, the job seemed so easy then. I mean not easy, there are always obstacles, but I knew what my responsibilities were. I was to instill my values in my little boy. Family, hard work, education… Easy enough right?

I have always been proud of being different than I heard other men were. I was the first up at night with the bottle when I heard him cry. I was prepared for all his little moments. I always made sure my boy was able to eat. You know all the things a father should be doing. I didn’t have a father, donor aside, and could not subject my son to the same.

Days, weeks, months and finally years have gone by… Thinking back to how the older women raved about my parenting, how my little one developed very well and so quickly. Being potty trained and giving up the bottle before turning one (1). He was just ready!

By now, I am sure you are noticing a trend… Where is his mother? Well, she decided that I loved him too much and that I didn’t love her or his older sister enough. Early on, she got sick and when she was better, I guess she just did not want to be a mother anymore.

So many things have happened over the years. I don’t and never have had all of the answers. I have been pretty good at faking it or making the best of it. Now, my son is 13, a man in some cultures. He has so far to go, but he is so close. The demi-man has been through so much. He is so intelligent. He is so mature. He learned so much early on about dealing with the people closest to him, but what about the outside world.

Much of his lessons were learned watching me. What about all the things that I can’t teach him? All the things a boy needs to learn from his mother. Things like what a woman is supposed to be. In my eyes, a boy should learn the traits of a strong woman from his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, just like he learns what is is to be a man from the men in his family. They have all fallen short.

How do you teach a young man the differences between a girl, a woman, a lady, when the differences are so fine? How do you teach him to respect her when he doesn’t trust what should have been the blueprint. How does he learn to love her and be compassionate and supportive, when she turned her back on him during moments that counted most.

I am still learning these lessons myself. I guess, I have to deliver my lessons on the fly and have faith that he has learned enough to make the best of whatever else I can teach him.

I have a fresh view of what I need a woman, my woman, to be. While this view is as incomplete as we were when we got together and set out to be what we have become. Our hearts are together always, though our bodies are far apart.

I remember you admonishing me for my gentleness with you. My goal was not ever to release but to hold on as long as I could.

Sometimes, it was just enough to lay inside you… My body on yours… My cheek to your breast. Coming up only for the nourishment I found on your lips. Looking into your eyes, beautiful though they were, reminded me that, then, your were mine… But only in that moment. I was never to hold you forever, like we talked about.

Soon we learned to treat each other as properly. Our hunger for each other fed and ultimately sated. You learned to nurture my love with the gentleness I needed to soothe my angers and aggression and give me a sense that my world was not as lonely as I had thought. You taught me to unleash my fury on you… After all, this is what you had wished for all along.

Gripping your throat, biting your lip… Your legs on my shoulders… penetration, now a series of quick introductions and slow exits… Hastening to the rhythm or our tandem heartbeats… Turning you over, reaching for my belt… Your long strawberry scented hair wrapped around my fingers… Wielding my thick leather strap as if it were a master’s brush painting your milky white canvas various degrees of red with every stroke.

Then finally, together, we let go… Our pains, suffering, frustrations, doubts… Laying together, your body wrapped in mine… The both of us trembling. I kiss your shoulder… The laughter starts. We laugh and laugh as we watch the light of Sun as it rises behind us on the wall… We begin to slowly drift off… Memories of the night that has just gone and hopes for the night to come.

Soon after that we were regular visitors in each other’s beds, multiple sessions per visit, rarely missing a day… Often cursing nature for interrupting our bonding.

I became intoxicated with you. Could never see a future without you. I still feel you here. Often you invade my dreams. Thoughts of your muscular legs around my thick trunk. Sweat glistening on your deep cocoa skin… Beads of sweat dripping off of my face and riding through the deep valley of your bosom.

The warm candy liqueur of your lips giving loaning me the courage to venture deeper in… inside you. Your scent heightening my desire. You throw your head back as your body reaches it’s limit and you exhale as you release…

You were so ready to give yourself to me completely. I couldn’t let that happen, I did not want either of our identities to be lost to the other. We were both trying so hard to define ourselves as individuals and set ourselves apart.

What if we did? I mean all those years ago, what would have happened? Who would we be if we got together and started building our lives for each other instead of for ourselves? So many years later, I still wonder. Still, I don’t regret my choices where you are concerned.

Some day maybe we’ll find some answers to all of those questions we had. Maybe you’ve found them with someone else already. As for me, I don’t know anything more than I did then except that you are better off than you would have been with me.

I have arrived at a new level of uncertainty recently. Nothing is as I had hoped it would right now. I had so many plans, now deferred indefinitely.

That is not to say I haven’t made any positive progress. I filled out all of my financial aid forms for the 2009-10 academic year. If I can find a decent paying job, I’ll take a couple of summer classes. I am waiting a couple of weeks to apply to the school, so I can try to get the application fee waived.

Shocking and possibly horrifying to some of you… I held my son’s brother. That is the right, better, way to think of him… Isn’t it? Well, my son asked me to be there for him. After swaying his view of the situation, I guess the obvious response is to alter my own opinions of that situation. I have to teach my son to be a better man than most and finally a better man than I am. There is no better way to do this than to be a better man myself. Still, I will not assume a paternal role, but I am open to the children of strangers, why not hers. Afterall, she did go half on my greatest achievement to date.

I have come to the realization that I have too many distractions. I have managed to disconnect and in some cases severed, completely, my extraneous inputs. I now have distractions for my distractions.

I am battling the lonelies and a bit of depression. I know I will not be right until everything else comes together. I am trying, I realize that I haven’t put my all in. Find myself feeling sorry for myself. I know I can and will do better. Let’s see where I go with this.

I decided do the 40 days, 40 nights deal during Lent, which actually comes out to 46 days and nights. Some wondered why, being that I am not religious, would I engage in a period of self-denial, especially during this specific time?

Short answer… Self-discipline. Why during this time? Simply because it’s a specific period of time. I don’t have to think about the number of days aside from when I decided to do it and it’s clearly marked on the calendar by it’s beginning Ash Wednesday and it’s ending Easter. There are little visual cues on those days that let me know when to begin and when my penance is over.

Overall, it wasn’t too difficult. Had to get creative with some stuff, had to revisit some old ways and tried a couple of new things.

I gave up red meat, all added sugar and sex. Giving up sugar wasn’t that hard. I didn’t allow myself any candy or other sweets like cookies, cake, donuts… I could not sweeten any drinks I may have had such as tea or coffee. I did have sugar in juice and some drinks that just had it in there.

Sex was a whole other thing. I haven’t had sex since January. The problem is, when you consciously give it up, you have to either say “No” or avoid situations where it will be too difficult to resist a taste. I wasn’t having it in any way during my time of sacrifice. No self-pleasure, no friend, no receiving, no giving, no fingering, no… well you get it. It was so hard, no pun intended, waking up with my hand in my boxers most days.

Anyway, I made it through, well almost… Two more days to go.

On the job front, I have gotten some calls which in the end yielded no results. This week, I missed an opportunity because I haven’t been checking my mail. I have just been out of it the last couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago, I lost a couple of friends in a car accident. Then there is Sunshine, who is convinced that my life is what it is because she is a part of it. She thinks she is bad luck for me. I love her. She is one of my closest, oldest, dearest friends.

Anyway, I wanted to keep this as short as possible. I will do another update later today or some time before the weekend is out. I hope you are all well.

Off topic: In my air Warm Vanilla Sugar scented candle.

Anyway, some of you seem to not understand that sometimes, I just need my space. This time, I just needed more. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like being around people. I just feel like being alone. I thought some of you guys would be (t)here regardless.

Over the last month or so, some of the people closest to me have been taking out their frustrations on me. I guess they forget, I have my own myriad of issues to deal with, which I try very hard not to put off on them. I don’t want them to worry about me, they have enough on their plates.

Yes… I am guilty of neglecting my various social networks. Yes… I have been keeping company and conversing with some new people, a couple of which I think will make great additions to my circle in the long run. It’s just that we don’t have that deep a stake in each other yet… Though it seems they rush more to comfort me than the people who know me. I appreciate it.

The lovely Ms. Janie Jones has been one such friend. She is just there. Makes me smile. We talk about absolutely nothing. She is an example of exactly what I need now. I just need someone to be there when I need them to be.

I am trying to make sense, still, of the clutter in my life and make the necessary trims and alterations. I wish I could accommodate everyone, I know I can’t. I know for better or worse this is where lines will be drawn and crossed. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I am seriously unsure about everything.

Just let me relax. What you do or don’t do these days are being weighed in my mind. I am paying more attention to some things and less to others. Thank you for being there for me. If we’ve come to our fork in the road and it’s time to part ways… I understand… I wish you all the best. I won’t soon forget you.

A man’s perceptions as perceived by a woman…

I think men lie 2 big women. They say they like women w/ meat on their bones but then r they breaking their necks 2 look @ the skinny ones.

The consensus was that men like looking at all women. Retorted by

…my male friends all say they are not into skinny women and then when they are talking to you, they can’t complete a sentence… Why? Because some woman with no butt, no tits, no hips and no thighs just walked by. I mean come on!

Maybe it’s just your mail friends. I am not going to say I don’t look. I do! I just try not to stare. I personally think it’s disrespectful for a conversation to be disrupted in this manner, no matter what the relationship is with the initial woman. If the two of you can share the viewing, the it’s whatever, but your attention shouldn’t be stolen.

The breakdown… Skinny, thick, bootylicious, big boned… Do you agree with the breakdown? Where do you feel you fall in this breakdown? Is it a fair hierarchy? My categorization is slightly different. I am not a body snob as Digi puts it, at least not as far as weight goes. I just feel that women should have curves. What do you think?

To fast forward a bit… The conversation went on for a few hours that day and continued the following day. After a while it began to seem to me a bit of hurt was coming through from some of the women’s responses. I counted about six bloggers in the conversation. We recognized that the subject matter was too broad and too deep to discuss restricted to one-hundred forty (140) characters.

Rik suggested a joint blogging project between himself, Tanya & I. Hours later… In My Skin was born. The idea being to open discussions of issues relevant to us… Health, social, parenting, dating, economics… The possibilities are endless.

My sleep pattern had become so out of whack with sleepless nights and sleeping too much throughout the day. I was getting some sleep, just not good sleep. Sometimes even waking up not knowing where I was, that isn’t good. I tried to stay up to reset but sleep always claimed me when it wanted to.

I started drinking Tazo Calm, which helped a little in the beginning, allowing me to relax just enough to get some quiet. this didn’t work for long though. I found the noise getting louder and louder. Over the last week or so, I had been thinking of putting a bit of cognac in my Calm…

Last night went to Dunkin Donuts to get an extra large cup of hot water… Stopped at the liquor store… Hennessy Privilège V.S.O.P, please. Salivating at this point. I was once a heavy drinker, not so much anymore… Only drinking on occasion, socially (rare) or moments like this. It did not take a whole lot, I was yawning in no time.

Hey, I am still a bit sleepy, so I am going to see if I can catch a few more winks. Yawns deeply!

Maybe I should just say it before you put this down…

I love you! I love you and I am sorry for all of my mistakes, mistakes I have made concerning you… us. Isn’t that how it all started though? I mean, there was never any you and I but we knew there was meant to an us.

Considering how this all started… The circumstances under which we met… They weren’t ideal. Still I could not contain my excitement.

I mean… I am not even sure I want you to know how deeply I feel what I am about to say… I don’t want it to change anything. You have since moved on, are happy and that means everything to me. Still, I do love you. I don’t know exactly when it happened or how, but it just hit me so hard then… didn’t know how or what to do… I did tell you then, but given everything that had happen… Well, you know… We are where we are now…

When I realized how deeply I was feeling you, nothing else mattered… I just wanted… desired… needed to be with you… I still do… need you, I mean. I need the friend that would have come with my lover, my girl, my… everything I had hoped you’d become to me. She was of peripheral concern.

Well not really, she was my friend. I guess I did know she had feelings for me. I wanted you. I just did not want to hurt her. I ended up hurting the both of you. If I could go back, there is so much I would do differently.

I knew then I wasn’t good enough for you, I know now… I may never be good enough for you… even though you have made me better, I am nothing without you.

You probably would have laughed if you could see me shut down, listening to all the songs of the broken hearts that had the strength to say all the things I couldn’t before me… All the tears I shed… the social coma… the silence… LOL thinking back, I am sick of myself.

See… I am not going to go into what led to my fucked up thought processes then, I don’t want to name anyone… Interestingly enough, things just wasn’t as they were said to be… I should have just been like fuck everyone, but funny thing… You are the only one left… I am talking to you, you to me… one reason or other… everyone else is gone! Shedding them and keeping you was well worth it.

I have been carrying this inside me for a long time, sometimes fighting it, always losing to the way I feel. I have been having dreams… Seeing you in my most perfect dream moments.

Maybe, I have said too much, but I just wanted you to know.