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To snag a man, let him do the chasing

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 03:01:00 +0000

Author of ‘How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World,’ says don't call him.

TODAY books

updated 3:13 p.m. ET Aug. 14, 2009

In her book "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World," author Jordan Christy says that women should be polite, well-spoken, gracious, charming and thoughtful — despite the images proliferated by wild celebutantes. In this excerpt, she writes that in order to find love, women should not pursue men. An excerpt.

Let him come calling
Turns out our mother was right—ladies shouldn’t make the ﬁrst move. Let’s be honest, do you really want to have to tell your children, “That’s right, kids, I had to beat down your father’s door and constantly create diversions to get his attention! I sent multiple text messages, wore my shortest skirts, and practically threw myself at him before he noticed me. But don’t you worry, I eventually wore him down!” Of course not. We all want a guy to approach us, fall madly in love, and not be able to wait to call us. So how do you make that happen? It’s actually not complicated at all (at least not nearly as difﬁcult and convoluted as we girls make it). You’ll see how, starting with the basics of dating, the truth about girls who make the ﬁrst move, the importance of not ruining a good thing, why he needs to call you, and when it’s okay to give it away.

First of all, we live in an extremely deceiving society. We’ve seen Lindsay Lohan making out with a different guy (or girl) in some pool every week and the Kardashians hooking up with every piece of eye candy the cat drags in. Casual sex is oh-so-glamorous through the lens of movies and TV. Instant messaging, texting, and video messages are the norm between guys and girls. But the painful, real-life truth is that none of this works. Why? Because it goes against the basic laws of nature, that’s why! If you glean nothing else from this book, I want you to hear this headline-worthy, urgent-newsﬂash, critical-emergency, vital-stat message: We make ourselves waaaay too accessible. How, you may ask? Let me count the ways.

In no particular order, we have the following means of scaring off a new guy: e-mailing, Facebook messaging, MySpace stalking, texting, calling, showing up unannounced, inviting him over, and did I mention coming on too strong? We will delve into these atrocities in more detail later on and talk about why being so accessible is nothing but a curse, but ﬁrst let’s look at how it ever got to this point.

It’s no secret that we girls start fantasizing about a fairy-tale wedding and happily-ever-after love story around the same time we start teething (I still have a wedding book that I compiled at age six!). Relationships are a big deal to us. We want to hear all about our roommate’s new boyfriend, have to get every detail of our coworker’s upcoming nuptials, and lament right along with Jennifer Aniston over Brad Pitt as if he cheated on us. We love to watch TLC’s A Wedding Story, feverishly scan Us Weekly for the latest blossoming celebrity romance, and sob every time we see Sleepless in Seattle. We spend hours prepping ourselves for a date and even more time obsessing about what our potential children will look like and whether or not our initials mesh nicely. Conclusion: girls love love.

So why would you subconsciously sabotage all those efforts through your modern-day attempts at ﬁnding true love? This question bafﬂes me daily. I’d like to think that it’s out of sheer naiveté—most girls don’t appear to be in a lucid mental state when they’re throwing themselves at some circus clown off the street and clearly aren’t aware that they are actually driving that poor boy further away. But luckily, you will no longer have to be the victim of such careless ways in love, because we’re going to start doing things the right way—the old-fashioned way! And it starts by not messing with nature.

Well over a century ago (in 1870, to be exact), William Shakespeare Hays wrote a wonderful song called “Truly Yours.” The lyrics just go to show you that this whole love–romance–dating thing has been going on a long time, and we’re probably not going to be the ones to change the entire course of it anytime soon.

In these lyrics we have the entire saga of love and romance summed up in a few phrases: guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy can’t think of anyone but her and is obsessed with girl up until dying day à la The Notebook. This age-old plot could explain the rapid popularity of said movie. I know all of us ladies love that love story, and as much as they might grumble, deep down, every guy likes the movie, too (even my husband, who has a beard, drives a truck, and aspires to be a lumberjack). Why? Because it is, without a doubt, the ideal, most picturesque illustration of romance: guys want a girl to chase after, and girls want a guy to want to track them down.

It has always been this way—from Adam and Eve to knights climbing the tower for their lady in waiting to Jane Austen’s generation of gallant gentlemen writing letters to their intended, right up to our reality-obsessed era of Girls Gone Wild. Guys still want to pursue the girl, and no amount of cell phones, sex tapes, and IM conversations are going to change that. I’m not sure why we’ve all of a sudden taken it upon ourselves to change the structural makeup of a guy’s mind, but I’m telling you right now, it’s pointless. The implementation of the Sadie Hawkins dance in 1937 didn’t do anything to alter the ingrained behaviors of guys and girls. I hate to say it, but you’re never going to get the guy until you simply let him be the guy. And what do guys want to do? Chase things!

Sometimes it may feel like we are the only ones in this confusing cycle, but this whole process has been around since the beginning of time. It’s history. It’s nature. It’s just the way of it! Men are natural-born hunters—they like the thrill of the chase. It’s why boys like to race cars, bid on worthless eBay junk, and go hunting in the woods. They love a good pursuit. You don’t see many of us females out tackling opponents to claim some pigskin ball on a perfectly good Sunday afternoon, do you? Nope. We’re also not usually on the front lines racing after some impending tornado or disastrous storm. And while we were politely ﬁxing tea and cupcakes for our dolls and friends, the rowdy neighbor boys were in hot pursuit of the bad guy, playing cops and robbers. It’s in their nature to hunt, chase, and track down, and if you make yourself readily available (calling, texting, stalking), guys no longer have anything to pursue. And if there’s nothing there to chase after, dream about, or hunt down, they’ve probably already lost interest.

Don’t believe me? If you’re still of the I’ll-get-the-check-not-him mentality, all stubborn and adamant that we just go out and snag a man, I challenge you to take a gander at the responses to the question I posed to ten delightful, successful, happily married men: Did she pursue you, or did you pursue her? Their answers show that the odds are against those trying to muster up the guts to do the asking ﬁrst.

Jeremy, married ﬁve years: I deﬁnitely had to pursue Sarah. She wasn’t interested in me at all, so I went out and bought concert tickets to see her favorite band to try and impress her.

Herman, married seventy-eight years: I met Emma when I was eighteen and she was just sixteen. I was very nervous about asking her parents’ permission to take her out, but I just knew she was the one and knew I had to go for it. So we started seeing each other and were married two months later. That was a long time ago!

Bo, married four years: Even though Claire and I had known each other for years, I had to make the ﬁrst move. We saw each other for the ﬁrst time in years, and she just looked so great that I asked for her number and asked her out there on the spot.

Joey, married eleven years: I had to go after Brandi. She just got out of a relationship and didn’t really want to have anything to do with me, or any guy, for that matter. But I eventually wore her down, and now she’s stuck with me!

Greg, married forty-two years: I had to pursue Carol. Two of our mutual friends even tried to set us up on a date, but she refused! So I just kept asking her out until she ﬁnally agreed. We went to a high school basketball game together, and the rest is history.

José, married one year: I had to pursue her. I met Tina when we were playing a show at a small club in this obscure town in Alaska. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, so I started talking to her after the show, asked for her number, and called her ﬁrst thing the next morning.

Christopher, married seventeen years: I had to do all the work! I ﬁrst saw Kerry when our high school football team played her school on a Friday night. She was a cheerleader, she was so cute, and I knew that I just had to say something to her afterward. So I waited around for an hour and a half after the game to talk to her.

Al, married thirty-three years: Well, we were only in eighth grade, but I still had to do the pursuing! I wrote Paula a note, asking if she would go steady. She said yes, and we dated all through high school and got married the day she turned eighteen!

Jefferson, married nine years: I met Bonita at a church picnic and deﬁnitely had to pursue her. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me, but I just kept annoying her and pestering her until she ﬁnally agreed to go on a date.

Ryan, married three years: Natalie came to one of our band’s shows with a bunch of her friends; I saw her in the crowd and just knew that I had to go talk to her, so I think you could safely say that I pursued her. I found her after¬ward, got her number, and haven’t stopped talking to her since!

My sweet boy Drew had to do the pursuing, as well—I even turned him down twice before agreeing to a date, because I thought he was too quiet. He told me later that he was beyond distraught and even couldn’t eat for days because he knew he wanted to marry me but I didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with him! Luckily, he mustered up what dignity he had left and asked again, and as it turns out, the third time was the charm. He ended up taking me to the exact place I had told my sister that I wanted my future husband to take me on our ﬁrst date, and from that ﬁrst night on, I knew I was going to marry him, too.

Even rock stars and celebrities have to do some pursuing. When it comes to men being the go-getters in relationships, Kelly Ripa’s hunky husband Mark Consuelos says candidly, “I don’t think guys like to be put on a pedestal or, you know, have their butts kissed . . . Honestly, that kind of freaks us out. We deﬁnitely like a challenge.”

When Rob Thomas met his future wife, Marisol, she apparently was not impressed with him or his appearance, and he had to pursue, as well. “He looked awful,” she says. “He was wearing khaki drawstring pants he’d rolled up to the knee for some reason. He was also wearing a gigantic T-shirt and a ﬂoppy ﬁsherman’s hat with Mickey Mouse on it . . . I just thought, ‘This is so wrong and so tragic.’” But despite her qualms about his fashion sense, she gave him her number when he asked for it, and a couple of months later, they were engaged.

So regardless of the guy’s current status, bank account, background, or beliefs, if he’s interested, he will do the pursuing. There’s no need to interfere with the ways of nature! Doing so will only scare him off (and I have waaaay too many stories to prove this—ask me sometime and I’d be more than happy to share them!). Of this phenomenon the bold and beautiful Beyoncé says, “When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.”

So how do you avoid the clingy-and-desperate act yet still let him know that you’re available? It all goes back to not making yourself too accessible. It’s not very twenty-ﬁrst-century-empowered-woman of me to say this, but you simply need to let him call you. Grace Kelly once said, “Emancipation of women has made them lose their mystery.” And a woman’s mystery is one of the biggest attracting factors for a guy. So when in doubt, just put those phones away and keep them there, because dialing his digits four hours after you’ve met is only going to turn him off. In fact, here is a list of activities to abstain from during the initial courting period (which can range from the original meeting to several months down the road—you’ll know when this time is over when he asks you to be exclusively his!).

Making the initial call—the only way you’re allowed to call him is if he ﬁrst calls you and leaves a speciﬁc message asking you to call him back. There are no exceptions, including “Maybe he lost my number” or “He’s really busy, so he probably just forgot” or “He has bad service, so I should just call him.” If he was seriously interested in you, he would never, I repeat, NEVER lose that number, and he would easily make his way to some dark alley to get a few service bars on his phone.

Texting incessantly—especially two hours after you met him to say how much you liked the shirt that he wore tonight. Nothing drains the elusive female mystique faster than a text message that showcases your innermost thoughts and feelings. Leave him to hope, wonder, and get butterﬂies. Texting does not leave him wanting more.

Social network interaction—nothing says overzealous like a creepy MySpace friend request, and I have yet to meet a girl that ended up with a guy she stalked online. If he’s interested, he will ﬁnd you. And even then, you shouldn’t get involved in an e-message/IM situation. If he is truly interested, he will want to talk with and see you in person, so there’s no need to start a bizarre-o online relationship.

Too-revealing updates—you need to completely disregard that impulse to race back to your room and blog that you’ve just met the man of your dreams. Word will inevitably get back to him that you’re obsessed with him, and he’ll assume you’re a little batty and will be scared poopless. Guys don’t want to hear that you’re planning their wedding or naming their unborn children (even if you are!), so let’s skip the emotional Facebook updates and the tell-all Twitters.

Planting yourself in strategic spots—the unnatural act of hanging around his hangouts is not only transparent, it’s weird. I’m convinced that if you’re truly destined to be with someone, you won’t have to leave your house at a calculated time, hide out in the bushes for hours, and then magically materialize, looking fresh-faced, surprised to see him, and very available. For the record, driving by his house or apartment multiple times a day doesn’t work, either.

Again, once he has lovingly gazed into your eyes and said that he can’t imagine himself with anyone else, you’re pretty much free to call and text whenever. Until then, the key is to keep him wanting more. And you can’t do that when you’re getting a tan from the 24/7 glow of that cell phone, obnoxiously informing him of every minute detail of your day while subtly slipping in hints of matrimony and grandchildren. Luckily, by the time he’s professed his undying love, it means that he is so enamored of you that you won’t be able to get rid of him—soon you’ll be politely asking him to just leave you alone for a couple hours so that you can get some actual work done!

One of my favorite literary characters of all time, Gone with the Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara, said, “Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?” Judging by the actions of most females these days, one might think this is exactly what we have to do. Between Tila Tequila’s degrading hooker-like antics and the bulk of The Bachelor contestants’ hot-tub-and-champagne shenanigans, silly is an understatement. But in reality, the majority of guys aren’t looking for stupid; they just want a fun, smart, down-to-earth girl they can take home to Mom.

Excerpted from "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World" by Jordan Christy. Copyright © 2009 by Jordan Christy. Reprinted by Center Street, a division of Hachette Book Group, New York, NY. All rights reserved.

10 Dating Deal Breakers: Reasons He Might Break Up with You

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:12:00 +0000

Editor's Note: Have you ever been blindsided by a breakup? Well, we don't want that to ever happen to you again. That's why we're presenting you with these dating deal breakers, reasons he might break up with you, all-star dating advice from the guys at AskMen.com. Some of the dating deal breakers they list are obvious. Some aren't. But either way, it never hurts to keep dating tips and dating advice from guys in your back pocket.

She doesn't back you up.
As men, we tend to engage in a few questionable activities from time to time. We'll speak out of turn or end up putting our foot in our mouth on more than one occasion. The comment may be benign, or just a controversial opinion, but it's your opinion nevertheless and you're entitled to it. At which point the standoff becomes clear and your back is against the wall. Your girlfriend should be right there next to you against that wall. If she doesn't respect you enough to back you up in public with friends, parents or colleagues, and if she berates you for it later, you've got yourself a dating deal breaker.

She flirts with other guys

There can be few things more detestable in life than the feeling that you're girlfriend is having more fun with another man than she does with you. If you and your girlfriend go out with a group and you find her authentically laughing at his jokes, touching his arm, generally enjoying his company -- in other words, flirting -- this is a deal breaker. That sour feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't going to go away easily and it's going to cast a pall over the entire relationship.

She neglects you publicly
Sometimes a woman's interest is caught by a passerby, a friend from college, an old colleague from work or an old boyfriend. As a man, you don't necessarily need to be the paramount priority in her life, but you do expect to warrant enough regard not to be ignored when this sort of thing occurs. It's demeaning to watch as your girlfriend carries on a conversation with this person, while you're nervously laughing along, smiling and nodding silently because she hasn't introduced you. This shows just how low you are on her priority list.

She lies
This is a tough one. You've just caught her in a relatively small lie, maybe she didn't go to the gym like she said she did and instead went for a drink with her friend. Maybe she broke your date due to illness, but later you find out that she was out dancing. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship -- it's nice to think that. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If she's willing to lie on matters of such minor importance, she's probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker for your relationship.

She criticizes you
Successful men need their integrity and their self-esteem intact. Believing you can do something and building the momentum to actually go and do it is by far the more difficult proposition. If your girlfriend is willing to criticize you in such a way that it cuts so deeply into such an important part of your successful psyche, then that's a definite deal breaker. You may be tempted to let the first one go, but the longer you let that sort of behavior go unchallenged, the more degraded your self-esteem will be when you let her go.

She disappears without telling you
This one is relative to the amount of time you've been dating. If you've been dating a month and she disappears for a week without telling you what's going on, that's a dating deal breaker. Similarly, if you've been dating for eight months and she disappears for three weeks without prior explanation, you've got yourself a solid deal breaker. She owes you an explanation if she's going on vacation or to visit a sick relative or for any reason whatsoever. You don't have to agree with it, but the fact that she doesn't even mention to you what's going on and remains incommunicado while she's away is ridiculously disrespectful. There's no good excuse not to cut her loose in this case.

She abuses you
When your girlfriend lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to let her go. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing her respect every day by valuing her as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If she's able to fly off the handle and really try to hurt you, she's unhinged and you need to let her go.

She scolds you publicly
The last thing you want is to look like a scorned child in public. You've been railing against that feeling since you were 13 years old. If you're out in a public setting and your girlfriend attempts to correct your behavior with utter disregard to the surrounding scene, you're smack dab in the middle of a dating deal breaker. She's not your mother and you're not her child. You're equals in a relationship, although she apparently doesn't think so. Whatever she wants to say to you, she should say in private and discuss it like adults. To scold you in public is right on the fast track to relationship forfeiture.

She has a substance abuse problem
Having a problem with drugs or alcohol is a pretty big deal. Suddenly, priorities are shifted around and the demon becomes all-encompassing. What she does to you suddenly takes a back seat to feeding an addiction. If you suddenly discover her problem, 9 times out of 10, it's a deal breaker. The exception is if you helped to contribute to that problem, or she developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create. It's a treacherous tightrope to walk, best of luck.

She cheats
The granddaddy of all dating deal breakers: This is such a slap in the face to you, your trust, whatever you built in your relationship, and her integrity. When she cheats she encompasses almost every other deal breaker there is and compounds the problem. The second she's cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. Most people will cheat, or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're girlfriend has cheated you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the No. 1 relationship deal breaker and you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.

The Dangers of Dating a Coworker

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 17:29:00 +0000

While dating a coworker might seem like a wild, adventurous thrill ride that could make an otherwise drab workweek that much more exciting, there are a few key factors to keep in mind before taking the plunge into an office romance.

These points are critical, especially for those of you who are trying to advance your career in a small office environment.

Size Matters

A small- to medium-size office can be a potentially disastrous place to find oneself attracted to a female colleague. While falling for a coworker isn't necessarily advised in any office environment, this holds especially true in a small workplace where everyone is into everyone else's business — both personal and work-related.

You are already in direct contact with her on a daily basis, you talk about life and work, you have coffee and perhaps the occasional lunch here and there, it's almost as if the early stages of the dating game have already been taken care of.

To Leap or Not to Leap?

But at what point do you decide if it's worth your while — and potentially your future at that job — to take the next step and become involved with your coworker? Well, before you make any drastic decisions, our best advice is to take a closer look at all the potential benefits and disasters that could be associated with this new career move.

Then — and only then — can you truly ask yourself: "Does the play outweigh the price I may have to pay?"

The Benefits

As with most new relationships, the real excitement comes in the early stages: the flirting, the secret emails, the smiles and sexual glances, the playful jokes and letters. These are all bonuses that will most definitely bring joy to your long, hard day at the office. Let's take a look at some of the specific benefits.

You feel vitalized when you wake up in the morning; you can't wait to see her all decked out in her office attire, complete with that cheery smile when she sees you walk in. Perhaps even a little "good morning" peck on the cheek— in private, of course.
If she's the office babe, chances are you'll feel and act like the office stud with this new boost of excitement in your life. However, the other guys in the office might be somewhat jealous of you when they catch on. But you couldn't care less; you're on top of the world, right?
You get to have lunch together. An otherwise boring office lunch can magically turn into an intimate lunch date complete with flirting, frolicking and maybe even a quickie.
During private time, you'll always have something to talk about when your conversation becomes stale, as you both live and breathe 40 hours of the same workspace each and every week.
You always have someone to confide in concerning your work-related problems. Likewise, you can be there for her when she needs to blow off some steam.
The thrill of being intimate in the office during the day, after hours and when others aren't looking can be very exciting.
If you share good chemistry, chances are you'll work well in groups and complement one another on certain aspects of your jobs.

The Downsides

As with everything in life, along with the good comes the bad. The only difference in this case is that when it's bad, it's horrible.

When things aren't going your way at work, whether it's a personal issue or a work-related incident, the last thing you need is added pressure stemming from tension between you and your office flame. That cold, hard glare she lets off can really burn a hole right through the back of your brain when tension arises. Even worse is when others around the office have to witness this chaos. Not pleasant in the least.
The more private time you spend together during office hours, the more and more you'll begin to alienate yourself from your other colleagues. The worst thing you can do is distance yourself from your immediate associates, especially those you've developed personal relationships with. As soon as trouble in corporate paradise rears its ugly head and you find yourself as the office outsider, you'll have to work overtime to regain their trust and friendship.
When the going gets tough, it's difficult to avoid one another in a small office. Chances are your office space or workstation is just around the corner from hers, so attempting to ignore her all week is virtually impossible. In a larger office, you may be able to pull it off.
Office gossip can destroy your chances of promotion. Should your boss discover that you're more preoccupied with your relationship than with your job, you may find yourself writing those cute little love notes on a pink slip.
No matter how much excitement your coworkers have in their personal lives, they always seem to be trying to catch you in the act. If they sense that something is going on between you and your lady friend, they'll do everything in their power to expose you. If you are caught in an act of intimacy during office hours, you're busted. This alone can severely harm your professional image.
If she's having a bad day, guess who's first in line to hear about it all day at work, then some more during private time?
If she's having mood swings, you're public enemy No. 1.

The Breakup

As with many relationships, you may find that this one simply isn't working out. Should you decide that it's time to break it off, those 40 work hours per week might feel like an eternity in the early stages of the breakup. The beauty of breaking off a normal relationship is that you no longer have to see the other person afterward. Obviously, the same rules don't apply when it comes to an office fling.

If you are responsible for ending it, she might seek revenge and try to make your life hell at work. She may even try to get you canned.
On the other hand, if she ends it, you could be the bitter one and you might even attempt to seek revenge of your own. What's worse, jealousy may take its toll when you witness her flirting with other employees, going out on lunch dates and ultimately moving on with her life — without you. Such distractions can seriously harm your performance at work.
And last but not least, if you gossiped about other coworkers with her or bad-mouthed anyone during your good times together, there's a chance that those comments will come back to haunt you.

Make a Professional Decision

So there you have it. If you ever find yourself in this type of predicament, do whatever you feel is right, but let your brain weigh the pros and cons before enrolling yourself in a crash course in career chaos.

Unless you honestly believe that you can juggle your career and a relationship with one hand, you might want to do yourself a favor and keep your business and personal lives separate.

On the other hand, it's only natural to find yourself attracted to someone you work with closely day in and day out. While larger offices are generally more impersonal, smaller work environments tend to create the type of closeness that can lead to the development of a romantic relationship.

The Conditions Are Right

Plus, when getting involved with a coworker, chances are that you can bypass all the intricate steps that are required to attract and impress her from the get-go.

5 Ways Men Communicate with Women

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 12:45:00 +0000

The relative success of every relationship you maintain in life hinges on communication. It is the foundation and bedrock of your bond with other people. Communication: Can it get any more basic than that?

No. And as a result, you may assume that we are all experts in the field of good communication. Of course, such an assumption is false, and even absurd. Because as we well know, the most common relationship predicament, when you boil it down to the essence of the problem, is communication.

We have difficulty with it and submit to almost unmanageable urges that compel us to act in a manner divergent from good relationship behavior. Men are the main offenders in this epidemic. We have that massive male ego to contend with for one, and an almost primordial instinct to "win" at every endeavor we partake in.

Fight to the death

When we unleash these typical male forces in the confines of our relationship, we blaze a trail of self-destruction. We start a pattern of dysfunction that breeds contempt, malice and the eventual downfall of the relationship. When all you have to do to prevent it is communicate with your woman, being a good partner looks to be a piece of cake, right?

Sure. Then why do most men drop the ball and fail to have a successful relationship with a woman? Check out the statistics or just reflect on the people around you. When it comes to good communication, men suck, and to be honest, many women are not much better. Females may have an innate sense for conflict resolution, but the bottom line is that we can all improve the way we communicate with each other.

Proper communication is so basic, yet we fail to execute most of the time. For that reason, the rules to get there are not rocket science. So if my advice seems more suited to a class of grade school punks, don't be offended or surprised. Sometimes kids can be used as an example to show adults how to get along in social situations. Just go to a local park in the summer to check out a soccer game between six-year-old girls and observe the behavior of the parents. But I digress. Men, start with these tips:

Make time

That's right, make time. Why the blank stare? You set aside time to watch sports, eat and have sex, don't you? Why should communication with your woman be any different? You have to block off an hour or two for quality time with her, whenever possible. Prioritize it. Make the effort to sit down across from her after a long day to discuss work, friends and your relationship. Heck, you can talk about the weather for all I care. Just talk.

Don't force the topic toward the relationship but do seize the opportunity to mention how well things are going or perhaps bring up areas you need to improve on to give her what she needs. In addition, don't shy away from explaining to her what you need from her. Too many men have a problem with this.

Take the time as you sit together, cook together, travel together or eat together to voice your dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship. Just do it in a calm fashion, so as not to alarm her. Reassure her that you're happy (if that is the case) with the overall relationship; you just want one or two things to change. Whatever you want to discuss, just make the time for it and make it a joint effort.

Be an active listener

Sometimes I feel like a broken record but until these universal relationship blunders cease, I suppose I have no choice but to keep on with the same messages. Active listening, as opposed to passive hearing, is one of them.

You've read it before but the truth is that I get so much e-mail from men who have no clue how to do it, that I could write about it every time. It's not that hard to be an active listener but it does require a few traits that men sometimes find elusive: patience, concentration and modesty.

It requires patience because you have to give her as much time to listen to her message as she needs, point blank. Concentration is key because you have to not only look at her, but also focus on her: her eyes, her body language and her voice. What is she saying? What is she telling you? Concentrate.

I include modesty because a lot of men, myself included, have a problem letting someone take the floor for an extended period of time. They like to hear their own voice and want others to hear it too. These men want to dominate the conversation and hold court, so to speak. This is not, sad to say, a trait conducive to good relationship rapport.

So toss your ego aside and let her speak. And above all else, let her have the last word once in a while. Hint: It's not a sign of masculine weakness to do so.

Focus on her nonverbal communication

Some men are just so damn clueless, it makes me want to cry. They either fail to pick up on nonverbal hints from their partner on purpose, or just plain have no sensitivity radar at all. It's astonishing really, to witness these men in action.

Their girlfriends throw up their hands in exasperation or stare at them dumbfounded and hurt when they turn their backs and walk away or start a conversation with someone else. What's the deal with these men?

Hey, I'm no angel but when my woman is sad, upset or angry, an alarm in my head goes off immediately. I just know. Maybe her body language is less subtle than other women, but still, an instinct in me is set off and I quickly attempt to douse the fire. If you're not as quick to respond, you're either a jerk who doesn't care and does it on purpose, or oblivious to the nuances of nonverbal communication.

Here's the lowdown: Nonverbal communication includes gestures, movements, facial expressions, and other physical forms of body language. Take note, however; it also includes tone of voice, sighs, screams and vocal pitch and volume. Pay attention to all of these whenever you communicate with your lady.

In good and bad times, nonverbal communication will serve as an instant sign as to how she feels about you at that very moment, not to mention how she feels in general. No matter what words she chooses, her body language cannot mask her real emotions.

Let her know you care

This is where men get bit in the behind. Our competitive nature compels us to try to win every fight, to the point where we forget the one simple tenet about relationship conflict: There is no winner. It's time to stop thinking of every fight as a chance to get the upper hand and use rhetoric until she admits you're right.

That's not the end goal you should want in the long run. Because if it is, your woman is going to resent you before long. Not good. Which brings me to my point: Let her know, no matter how bad, how intense and how passionate the fight, that you care. Amidst all your rage and even when tempers flare, take a deep breath and do something to let her know that when all is said and done, you love her.

Touch her arm, stroke her hair, put your palm to her cheek, or just say the words, "I love you." Of course, some women don't appreciate such gestures in the "heat of battle" and may shove your hand aside or turn their back. Don't take it personally and don't get upset. Just get the message across that you care, even if she isn't ready to make up.

Do not be one of these guys

The Pretender: This is the man who has the appearances of an active listener but at the end of the day, does not give a damn about what his woman has to say. But give him credit; he manages to fool her almost every time. Too bad he has no idea how she feels at any given moment. His mind is on "more important" things, like his golf game or other women.

The Stage Hog: This big baby has to have all the attention, all the time. He loves to hear the sound of his own voice, to the detriment of his own relationship. Whenever possible, he shifts the focus of the conversation to himself, even if he has done his woman wrong. Do not become this loser.

The Trap-Setter: This selfish type listens to what he wants to hear. He is a selective active listener who turns the tables on his victim to use what she had to say against her at another point in time. His sole goal is to humiliate his woman the next time they fight and ensnare her to make himself look good. But to whom? In the long run, nobody.

The Contradictor: This type can take on many forms. He either refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem and unleashes a fierce temper until he gets his way, or worse yet; he turns his back anytime conflict arises. The bottom line though, is that this child can never take responsibility for his actions or recognize that something is amiss.

The Insensitive Jerk: This noncommunicator can inhabit the body of any other type at any point in time. He is selfish and has his own agenda in mind every time he fights with his woman. For one reason or another, he refuses to show compassion or admit when he is wrong. He can be abusive in a verbal manner or on the other side of the spectrum, hold his emotions in check so that his lady has no idea what is going on inside his small, dysfunctional head. Everyone hates Insensitive Jerk. Do not be him.

It takes time

Although I doubt this will rectify your communication problems completely, I hope it will lead to a greater understanding of your significant other, yourself and what both of you need in order to better listen to each other. Remember that communication is a two-way street. It requires the proper delivery of a message, as well as an active listener to process it. If you keep that in mind and do so with compassion, sensitivity and hold that ego at bay, you should come out a winner... you know what I mean.

6 Things He Doesn't Want You to Know

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 12:38:00 +0000

After a certain time in a relationship, women start to equate what she knows about her guy with intimacy. Apparently, knowing all the little details about each other brings you closer together as a couple. Most men correctly identify this instinct as "nosiness."

There are some things that she doesn't need to know: Obviously, details such as the fact that you did time for murder might need to be dealt with sooner rather than later, but there's a host of other little facts that can be safely swept under the carpet. And for your own peace of mind, it's best if you encourage her to keep some of her stories there as well.

Note that we're not condoning outright lying, but it's often better to duck and dive. Skim over details, downplay the facts, or distract her with something shiny -- anything to keep sensitive information under wraps. More often than not, though, it's just a case of you keeping quiet when a stupid thought pops into your head. We'd like to remind you about all the things she doesn't need to know, just so you can work on keeping that yapper shut and keeping your relationship on calm waters.

You hooked up with the hot female bartender

There's something deep inside a man that means he can't help but boast. Think about how we were as little kids, always bragging who scored the most goals, who had the best bike, whose dad was the toughest. It's something we men never quite grow out of when you spot that really fine bartender you once made it with, there's a part of you that wants the whole world to know all the details of the sordid encounter. However, if you're with your woman, you have to learn to tell that part of you to shut the hell up because there are things she doesn't need to know, and this is definitely one of them.

It's best to avoid mentioning details regarding any woman you've hooked up with. You might think you have a good reason -- your girl could have jokingly knocked your masculinity or revealed a hookup of her own -- but it's best to just let it go. Pointing out every woman that's been lucky enough to spend time in your company will just lead to resentment and tit-for-tat comparisons of past conquests.

You lived with your parents until recently

OK, so sometimes things don't go as planned and you end up back with the folks. There are many valid reasons why a guy may be forced to move in with his parents for a while -- he might have had a bad breakup, or maybe he just finished college and is broke, or his own house was destroyed by an act of God. No one will think any less of him, right?Wrong: Living with your parents past the age of 21 hardly conveys the impression of a strong, independent man, now does it? First off, while you're still there, you shouldn't be dating. A one-night hookup ending at her place is fine, but nothing long-term. Wait until you're out of there and in your own place.

Once you are dating, mentioning the slip in living circumstances is one of the things she doesn't need to know. If she finds out that living with mom and dad is always an option for you, she'll do one of two things: Get rid of the loser or start to dominate the mama's boy. Neither of which you want.

The bad things your buddies are up to

Everyone's buddies do bad things -- hell, sometimes we even join them. Friendships between single guys are forged through long nights of drinking, screwing around and causing trouble. Women know this, and they don't like it.

So keep your mouth shut on all the reprehensible behavior your pals get up to, even if she seems to enjoy the stories -- secretly, she doesn't, and this is one of those things she doesn't need to know. In reality, your girl isn't happy to hear about Frank's latest DUI, the new girl that Dave knocked up or Charlie's obsession with hookers -- what she's doing is judging you by their actions.

In her eyes, the sins of all your friends rub off on you. If you relish telling the stories of their hell-raising exploits, your woman might get the idea that you want to be single again, and she'll want you to cut contact with those bad influences. At worst, she could even think you're out there sinning with them, which isn't going to be good for trust in the relationship.

one that got away

At some point, couples have to talk about past relationships. It's one of those annoying things that fall into the intimacy and getting-to-know-each-other categories. The key is to make sure it's done in the quickest, least-detailed way possible because you need to remember there are things she doesn't need to know, especially about your past.

You don't need to over-elaborate on the details of each girl and why she was so special to you. Keep it simple: her name, how old you were, how long it lasted, and maybe why it ended. Please don't tell her all about that one special girl.

What the woman in your life really doesn't need to know is that one girl came and changed everything, and that every other woman you meet will be judged by the high standards she set. And you really wish the two of you could have made it work. And that, if you met her again one day, you'd beg for a second chance. All that stays in the past.

You look at porn a number of times a week

Porn, thanks to the wonders of the World Wide Web, is everywhere. Gone are the days when magazines and videos had to be bought in an embarrassing transaction with a grubby little man behind the counter. Now, the full spectrum of sexual tastes and perversions can be viewed with a few strokes of the keyboard.

Not that you'll ever fully admit this to your girl. Most women don't like the idea of their man spending his evenings in the company of three hot and oiled-up cheerleaders, even if they are only stored on his hard drive. Sure, she'll have an idea that you occasionally stumble across it. And that's the line you should stick to: Every once in a while you get a little curious and take a peek. However, make sure she doesn't know you do it every evening, or each time she goes out to the store or, sometimes, all weekend.

You liked her friend first

Sometimes it happens: Guys end up dating the wrong girl. Maybe they went to talk to one and ended up hitting it off with her friend instead. Or a female friend got confused and set them up on a date with a different pal than the one they had originally wanted. You think things are going well, so maybe your girl should hear the funny story?

No. No. No. She won't think it's amusing or be amazed by all the little coincidences that brought the two of you together. What she will think is you can never be trusted with that friend of hers again.

Most of all, your girl will be hurt that she wasn't the one who attracted your attention from the beginning. Think about it: if she told you she wanted to talk to someone else, got stuck with you, and eventually dated you, would you feel worthwhile? Didn't think so.

Think before you speak

Not everything from your past should be common knowledge. No one's suggesting that you should build a false life and dupe some poor chick into being with you. However, covering up some details will help your relationship's chances of survival. And if she does try to call you on your secrecy, just tell her you can't help being a man of mystery.

When Men First Meet You What did they Notice most about you...

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:51:00 +0000

by Steve Santagati

Let's face it: We all want to look sexy sometimes. And whether you're into a vintage style, or the full-on va-va-voom, we have to wonder, what do guys notice? If you ever wanted to know about men's preferences—like whether your Manolos even register on his Richter scale—here's your definitive guide. In this excerpt from The Manual, you'll find out for sure what men find sexy.

Attention to vanity will seem shallow at times, but in the game of love, it's very important. Most people I see are lazy in this department. And, not surprisingly, these are the same people who complain, saying things such as “People are so superficial,” “I want him to love me for what's inside,” or “I hate the gym.” Well, no one is telling you that you can't dress as you choose. But when you put those constraints on yourself, you're limiting the number of men who will find you attractive. In the end, meeting the right person is a numbers game, and part of getting those numbers rolling is how you dress.

A Woman's Closet, Designed by Men

Lingerie
Lingerie can be inexpensive, but it can't be the kind that comes in a package of three (white, pink, and blue). Nor can it be the “granny” kind with a waist that reaches up to you rib cage and that hangs like a diaper. Lingerie is one garment that you should find as sexy as he does. And it benefits you, too. Women have told me that when they wear nice underwear, even though no one may see it, they will actually walk and talk differently, just knowing they have a little sexy secret. If lingerie can do that to a woman—and we already know how it affects men—then don't you think you should go out and get yourself some? You have tons of choices, and when it comes to lingerie, men like just about anything.

Shoes
Again, we don't care. We know you like them. We don't understand why you like them. All we know is that many of you have closets full of them, and we've figured out that since you spend so much time and money on them, we can compliment them to flatter you. That's about it.

Most likely, if a guy tells you what nice shoes you have, he's either gay or “working on you.” My friend Mari recently told me that a guy came up to her in the airport and complimented her on new shoes. She's so sweet that she thought he meant it. I'm not saying that they're not nice shoes. But have you ever heard a man say, “Well, the thing that caught my eye was Shirley's shoes. I love those pumps, and when I saw them I knew she was the woman for me”? I don't know a single male who would say, “Dude, this chick had the hottest shoes on last night. Damn, I should've gotten her number.” It doesn't happen. Shoe flattery is for one purpose one: flattery. Have I made my point?

There is one style of shoes that men notice, and that's high heels. But heels are more about what a girl looks like in them than about the shoes themselves. Heels make feet and legs look sexy. The classic example is a girl wearing high heels in a bikini. Cheesy, and not particularly functional in the sands of Miami and L.A., but men notice for sure.

Hair
Hair, on the other hand, is, sigh, one of the sexiest things about a woman. Hair grabs us and doesn't let us go. Think octopus tentacles. Your style, color and texture are no matter. Your hair only needs to have a clean, tousled, just-out-of-bed look. My opinion is that most women look sexier with longer hair than shorter. Men like long, sexy hair largely because we don't have it. Plus, very few women can get away with that short boyish look. Next time you're out in public, watch how men look at women with long hair versus short.

On a related note, hair salons suck. I can't believe what they've done to some of your mops. They're not just ruining your hair; they're wrecking your love life. With the Internet and a gazillion fashion magazines at your fingertips, you've got plenty of references. Please think sexy and spend the time and money to get the right do. When in doubt, turn to whichever celebrity women are getting the most attention for being sexy, and copy them. Messy sexy is what you should be after: think Sheryl Crow, Jessica Alba, Jane Seymour and Reese Witherspoon.

A few more tips: Don't color your hair based on the swatches you picked up at the paint store. Other styles to avoid include bad bangs, mullets and that “business in the front/party in the back” look. And stop cutting your hair short as you age—there's no need to.

Dresses
Every woman wears a dress differently. The only hard-and-fast rule is to pick a dress that accentuates your best body parts. Whether you have a gorgeous back, incredible thighs, or lovely collarbones, stock up on designs that not only fit but also highlight those attributes.

Your shape and height determine much of what you'll look good in, but here are some general rules of thumb:

Shorter Girls

Wear heels. Heels create the illusion of longer legs. And as I've said, they're sexy!
Buy a dress that vaguely clings, while still allowing your bum to move freely. Check out the red carpet “best dressed” lists for examples.
Loose cotton dresses are best if you have some pounds to shed. They give us a hint of your bum and legs without a solid picture. We have vivid imaginations and we fantasize you better-looking, not worse. (We're on your side here. Just give us something to work with!)

Taller Girls

Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest high.
Wear longer dresses that hug your legs a bit. You want a fitted design.
Pick either heels of flats, depending on how tall you want to appear.
Make sure that at least 60 percent of your skin is covered by the dress. You have a lot of skin, and a little goes a long way.
As with shorter girls, loose-fitting, sheer cotton dresses that cling a little are great for those of you carrying a bit of extra weight.

Tops and Bottoms
This is fairly straightforward: You need to have tops and bottoms in your closet that you have no doubt are “man killers.” Call it your “good luck resisting me” section. This is the part of the closet that houses the cleavage cuts, the tighty tops, and the bootylicious jeans. Feel free to mix and match from the more “domestic” side of your closet, but never forget: it's a jungle out there, and sometimes it pays to get a little wild if you want to survive.

Glasses
Glasses are hot! Hands down. Just make sure you pick a great style that flatters your face and keep the lenses free of eyelashes and finger prints. I love chicks in glasses.

5 Ego Boosts Every Man Needs

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:45:00 +0000

by Francesca Di Meglio

Men are full of surprises, and bedroom behavior is no exception. To get to the bottom of things, it took one of their own

-- and a psychologist at that -- George Weinberg, author of Why Men Won't Commit: Getting What You Both Want Without Playing Games, who studies male behavior in romantic relationships. While we can't explain all male behavior, here are five sex secrets that may help you understand -- and get even closer to -- your guy.

1. He's afraid he'll let you down -- literally. Men feel tremendous pressure to perform sexually. "In the past, men weren't evaluating their sexual performance because women weren't supposed to judge them," says Weinberg. But women aren't waiting for marriage to have sex anymore, and that means they have more experience in the bedroom. Sexually satisfied role models, like Madonna and the Sex and the City sirens, encourage women to be open about their sexual desires and complaints. Suddenly, the pressure to perform is on, and he can't help but feel like he has to please you. Even though you might forgive him for a few poor performances, he has a hard time forgiving himself.
Warning: If your man has a recurring problem getting aroused or maintaining his erection, he may start to blame you to protect his ego.
What you can do: Dr. Weinberg suggests something simple. Just relax and try to enjoy sex, which will help to alleviate some of the pressure. In other words, don't take it personally or, worse, insult him. And never point and laugh!

2. Men need validation to get their groove on. Sex is a source of power, and it gives proof that one is masculine. "To a man, having sex means that he can move a woman, that he's an athlete, a provider and a lover," says Weinberg. Basically, your guy wants to be a superhero, and he certainly wants you to see him in that light. When he satisfies you sexually, he feels like Superman. If you're enjoying yourself, let him know that Lois Lane is happy, adds Weinberg.
Warning: No encouragement means no mojo.
What you can do: It's simple. Say, "That feels good," or let out a moan or heavy breath when you feel like it. A good rule of thumb: Don't fake it but don't fight it.

Men don't like waiting too long to have sex with a new partner. Unlike some dating experts, Weinberg believes that women should never hold out to have sex simply because of the so-called rules of dating. He is more likely to commit if there is a sexual component to the relationship, and it is important for him to know that you find him sexually desirable. "A man goes through a lifetime hoping to find a woman who can't keep her hands off him," says Weinberg.
Warning: "Frankly, if your guy is offended when you initiate sex, get rid of him," he says.
What you can do: We're all sensual beings; we might as well be who we are. So don't be afraid to make a move when the mood strikes.

4. Men wish they had better bodies too. Let's face it: Men may not worry about weight nearly as much as women do, but they do have their own image issues.
Warning: Most men are quite concerned about their penis size, general physical condition, height and baldness, says Weinberg. In other words, they are hoping for mood lighting in the bedroom just as much as women are.
What you can do: Help your man by telling him that you find him attractive and showing him affection.

5. Most men will not forgive a cheating girlfriend. Men who have been betrayed, especially in the bedroom, are far less likely to forgive their partners than women in the same situation, says Weinberg.
Warning: Men are looking for a woman who will stick with them.
What you can do: Show your loyalty not only by remaining faithful when in a committed relationship, but also by supporting your man in front of colleagues and friends and defending him when necessary, says Weinberg. This allegiance will make your man more secure and will give him the motivation to let loose in the bedroom with you. Men want commitment just as much as women do; they just want it packaged differently.

10 Things That Make Men Happy

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:45:00 +0000

If men and women are truly equal, then men must stop bending over backwards in the pursuit of making women happy, right men? Relationships are increasingly full-fledged partnerships after all, so why should we be the only ones trying to make women happy?

We want to be happy and boys just want to have fun as well, so here are 10 things that men look for in the pursuit of happiness and Ms. Perfect. Read the list and answer the question that all men deliberate: do we prefer a pretty face or a beautiful body?

10. Charm

Remember that Seinfeld episode when Jerry went out with that stunning blonde babe who got him out of every bad situation (speeding ticket, etc.)? Well, maybe this occurred because she was a babe, but I think she had such power because she was charming. If a woman can make you smile, then she has the charm to get out of any situation and will prove to become quite an ally.

Charm is what draws men to those women who are not as good-looking as the others in our black book. Charm is what pulls us back to women even after they burn us. Charm is the one thing that lets women get away with murder ‑- okay, charm and the next thing on the list.

9. A statuesque body

We may not admit this to them, but when we're walking down the street with our women, we want to show them off. Show off what? Their crazy curves and full figure.

As Doc Love puts it: you need to pass a physical to be the best you can be (i.e. join the army), and Lord knows that women make us pass their own physical exams, so why should we be any different or make any excuse about it?

8. A beautiful face

This one will stand the test of time. A pretty face can get away with murder. While this should not be the top characteristic, it is helpful to admit that you must find a woman who will please your eyes and excite your everything else.

Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless of course you are a magician named David. So do not choose someone based on what your friends say, go with whom you want to wake up with. We like beautiful things and we shall make no apologies for this.

7. Honesty & trust

When the games are played, final rounds called and booty calls over, we want someone we can confide in. The most successful relationships are built upon trust, candor and honesty; anything else is equivalent to building a house on quicksand. Sadly, you only know who is swimming naked when the tide goes down, so be honest with your woman (but do not tell her anything she neither needs or cares to know) if you want her to be honest with you.

Receiving a pat on the back when we do things right is nice, but it's even nicer to be told when we're wrong, provided of course that we are not made to feel like crap, which takes us to the next point...

6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The last thing we want is a woman who lets us down, embarrasses us and makes us out to be fools, especially in public. Gentlemen, there is nothing wrong with admitting that we are excessively proud and sensitive to criticism, but if done right, constructive criticism from the one person who knows us best can only make us better men, fathers, lovers, brothers and human beings.

Why do I say this? Next time your woman tells you something, do not cut her off and put her in her place; listen, pay attention and remember: actions, not words, are what matter. True, we may not have Tammy Wynette standing by us in a state of oblivion, but respect in a partnership is about praise as well criticism, not shutting up and telling it like it is. It helps when it is done with humor (well, not at our expense).

5. Sense of humor

This will forever remain a priority for any man. We work hard, we put up with a lot, and we need a woman who will put a smile on our faces when things are gloomy, and make us laugh when things are down. Now guys, I have been curious as to whether we like it when women make us laugh or when we make them laugh. Being able to make them laugh is good for our egos, but getting a smile on our faces is the best tonic possible.

Women always rank a sense of humor as the trait they like most in us. A woman who finds it challenging to smile and be pleasant will be a thorn in your side until the day you die, and trust me, your judgment day will come before hers.

4. Intelligence & confidence

Previous generations probably preferred a smart woman ‑- not just book smart, but also street smart. But truth be told ‑- and this will not please feminists (but then again, who cares?) ‑- many men did not want an overly smart woman, after all, it would be too hard to tame and control her. After all, men feared that women could become unstable and make demands (oh no...)

Today, I like to think that we have matured a bit and now see the value in having a valuable ally as a partner. If a housewife, mother and maid is all that you are looking for, you are selling yourself short men, so go out and find someone who will learn from you as much as you will learn from her; imagine the powerhouse couple that you will make.

3. Ambition & drive

If a partner is what you seek, then you will have to find a woman who will challenge your thoughts, stir up your emotions positively and give you a run for your money. Challenges start at home and end on fields, boardrooms and life, so make sure that you meet your match, because practice does make you perfect.

A woman that is too strong-willed will also be too stubborn, and this is just plain frustrating, but one that chooses her battles diplomatically will prove to come out a winner in the game of life. Would you not want her on your team?

2. Heart of gold

Most women are selfish on good days and plain malicious on bad ones, so why any man would let himself get tempted (well, we know why) by someone who has bad intentions beats me. So many men e-mail us, telling us how badly they are being treated, yet they are helpless in doing something about it, and worse, they keep going back... why guys, why?

If you are looking to get involved for the long haul, a kind woman with a heart of gold will nurture you and offer the compassion, sincerity, warmth, and affection you need to make it to the top. Just make sure you are able to reciprocate the kindness, because someone ultimately will and then she'll run for the hills.

1. Love

Although there are different things that make us happy ‑- some of them may not have been on the list but should have been, while others are but should not have been ‑- when all is said and done and the ink has dried up, the first dates turn into the honeymoon stage, and the relationship develops, all men really want is love.

10 ways to know you have a crush

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 02:10:00 +0000

Whether you are ten or eighty years old and whether you are in a committed relationship or not, you are never safe from a healthy crush. Having a crush on somebody is just another way of saying that you like somebody a little more than the average Joe. Most people will admit to having crushes on a famous athlete or a gorgeous celebrity, but sometimes we start to have crushes on people who are around us every day. Aside from writing your name and your crush’s name encircled in a big heart over and over again, what are some ways to know that you are crushing on somebody?

1) You go out of your way to see or hang out with that person. Maybe you have a crush on that cute waitress at the coffee shop and you go out of your way about fifteen miles everyday just to have coffee at that specific location despite the fact that there is another similar coffee shop minutes away from your front door. It is safe to say you have a crush. Naturally, when you start to like somebody, you want to see them all of the time for that happy feeling you get when you’re around them.

2) You are starting to worry more about your appearance. Yesterday your idea of a “going out” outfit was your sweat pants with the hole on the knee and your pizza-stained t-shirt. Now, you are actually starting to iron your slacks and wear your dressy shoes just to go to your 8 o’clock Biology class. When you have a crush on somebody, you want those feeling to be reciprocated, so you start trying to put your best foot forward.

3) When writing a list of positives and negatives about that person, the positives win...by a landslide. When you have a crush on somebody, you will be seeing that person with rose-colored glasses, so pretty much anything they do (even if it is the way they burp the alphabet) seems exciting and cute.

4) You find yourself being clumsy or awkward around them. Before you started having a crush on the goalie of your soccer team, you were the star player. Now, you’re lucky if you don’t trip over the ball or your shoelace when you are in practice. This is due to the fact that you are now becoming completely aware of every move you make and how it might look to your crush so you start second-guessing yourself at every turn.

5) You find yourself getting tunnel vision. By this, I do not mean you are literally getting tunnel vision, but you find it hard to focus on anything but this person when you are around others. Maybe you are having a conversation with your friends while your crush is skateboarding with his friends nearby. You have no idea what your best friend was telling you because you have been staring at your crush out of the corner of your eye wondering if he looked over at you while you were talking.

6) They are not around and you find yourself smiling. Ever been sitting in class and you find yourself smiling because you remember something your crush said or did the day before. When you have a crush on somebody, they are constantly on your mind, distracting you from anything else.

7) You start asking his friends about him. When you like somebody, you want to know everything you can about that person, so, without noticing it, you may have started being a little more inquisitive about things he likes or dislikes.

8) Your friends are getting sick of you talking about her. She is not even around and all you can do is talk about that funny thing she said the day before or the fact that she just got a new puppy. When your friends’ eyes start rolling, chances are, you have a major crush.

9) For some reason, you can not stop teasing this person. Remember in kindergarten how you would hit the girl you like with your pencil to get her attention? Or in middle school when you snapped the bra of the prettiest girl in class to make her laugh? That teasing thing doesn’t end there. When we have a crush on somebody, we resort to teasing and playing.

10) You hate going to your Physics class but lately you don’t seem to mind. In fact, you actually get a little happy or anxious to go because you want to see your crush who sits two rows away from you. Having a crush can definitely give you that giddy sensation.

How to Heal after Infidelity: 2 Strategies That Could Save Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:58:00 +0000

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D.
When adultery shatters their relationship, both partners lose something. The betrayed feel as if they will never be able to trust or love wholeheartedly again. The betrayers feel they will never again find such flawless, undemanding love.

Both sides must mourn these losses before they can change and move on. Like any grief, the sorrow for a dead relationship goes through stages: denial, anger, guilt and acceptance. All stages must be experienced before couples can find forgiveness and rebirth. The process requires great courage, determination and stamina nor--nobr but the reward is lasting Real-Life-Love. You cannot ignore or obliterate these feelings. You cannot forgive and reform your life while you are ruled by resentment, bitterness and hurt. You can't deny your emptiness, although a sad number of people try to do so.

What the Deceived Must Do to Heal
Allow yourself to grieve for your old untarnished relationship.

What the Betrayer Must Do to Heal
First of all, you must renounce the adulterous affair in order to rebuild the marriage. No change in the relationship can occur as long as one partner keeps running to an escape hatch.

What the Deceived Must Do

Allow yourself to regret the end of your old untarnished relationship.
Do not, however, dwell in the past, sighing about how wonderful things used to be. Obviously, matters were not perfect, or no affair would have taken place!
Acknowledge both the good and bad aspects of the marriage and your contribution to each.
Understand that your spouse is hurting too. It can be extraordinarily hard to abandon an affair. At the very least, your mate will miss the excitement and the uncomplicated passion and enjoyment -- the feel-good, chocolate-cake aspects of extramarital love. What's more, an unfaithful partner will feel guilt and sorrow for the pain inflicted on the spurned lover.

In most cases a straying partner will feel agonizingly torn by love for both of you. When he protects the lover, he is really protecting a disowned part of himself. He perceives this as a last chance to redo his childhood, and that's why severing this relationship may indeed feel like losing an arm or a leg.

I am not suggesting the betrayed excuse the affair -- just that they work to understand what caused it so that they may progress toward forgiveness and rebirth.

To revitalize the relationship, both parties must look back at their family patterns and forward to a new kind of loving. If you have always been a pursuer, for example, you will have to learn to distance yourself to recapture a runaway -- as my parents and many of my patients did. Remember, there are aspects of a runaway hidden in you too. If you pull back, you will be amazed to find the adulterer pursuing you.

As the betrayed party must walk a thin line and be willing to show your partner the door, but not shut it in his face. Be firm about the need to give up the lover, but make sure he knows how much you love him. He needs to see that you are wiling to work and to fight for the marriage and that you believe you will succeed. Deep down, he is terrified to choose the other, whom he doesn't know that well, and lose you forever.

Since you are not focusing on the adulterer, you will be lonely -- reconnecting with your family of origin is a must and will help compensate for your pain.

What the Betrayer Must Do

First of all, you must renounce the adulterous affair in order to rebuild the marriage. No change in the relationship can occur as long as one partner keeps running to an escape hatch.
Let yourself feel your loss. Holding onto the promise of a perfect, utopian union will intensify your feelings of emptiness and anxiety.
Face the damage you have done to the trust of not only your mate, but your children, parents, siblings and friends.
You must mourn both your dead romance and your battered relationship, and grieve over the childhood wounds that led you into this mess.

This is difficult depressing work, yet the adulterous partner must recognize the pain and uncertainty that has been inflicted and take responsibility. It is certainly cheaper and less painful than divorce, in any case -- and you're never really divorced when children are involved.

The Art of Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:54:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Recovering from any kind of betrayal is never easy. When it comes to forgiving her husband for his affair, iVillager J wonders: "Am I letting him get off too easy? Should I be making him suffer more? I'm very torn about where mercy and being a doormat differ." And she's certainly not alone. No matter what the issue once was, forgiveness is always a difficult -- but real -- part of relationships. And knowing where to start is often the hardest part.

Many people think that they must just let go of the past to move on. Along with causing grief and trepidation, that approach limits personal growth. Plus, memories and traces of the past are always with us -- for some as wounds, for others as treasures. But, when we try to block out the past from our lives, it resurfaces at the oddest times: Old patterns return as unfinished lessons yet to be learned.

Rather than hate a period of our life, the person we "used to be" or people we've met along the way, learn to find the way each experience helped us become strong. When we take this approach our entire life opens up and we begin to build bridges naturally. Then, each person we meet -- whether we like them or not -- becomes another bridge, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.

The most important bridges are the ones that allow us to forgive another, to make peace with the pain we've suffered, and to allow resentment and judgment to subside. How can we forgive?

Find a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part.

Understand that each person gave us what they could at that time.
Recognize that our expectations and demands of them are what cause our present pain.
Give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others: Stop labeling people as good or bad.
Take a critical look our own expectations and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another.

When our own loving hearts are fully developed, we can fulfill our own expectations and whatever else we are yearning for. Only after we've forgiven are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in the present.

10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:46:00 +0000

by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., with Jean Coppock Staeheli
Excerpted from NOT "Just Friends"

After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair

--emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage.

The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly different perspective on the underlying motivations. Discussing them will give you the raw material from which to co-construct your story.

1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?

There are all kinds of reasons for not stepping over the line that would normally stop you from entering a forbidden territory. Vulnerabilities and values will be revealed by the thoughts and actions that came up as you crossed thresholds into the extramarital relationship. Most likely, discussing these questions will uncover the magnetism of the relationship, the sense of curiosity, or the belief that nothing bad would come of it. One of the most revealing thoughts is whether the unfaithful partner considered the consequences of getting involved or only of getting caught.

For example, how did Ralph (who was married to Rachel) decide to go ahead with that secret lunch date he had with Lara? What was he anticipating? It's important to understand how a platonic friendship can shift into an affair. When people confide to opposite-sex friends about problems in their marriage, they are revealing a weak spot and signaling their availability at the same time. Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.Through discussions with his wife, Lisa, Les figured out how he let himself be drawn into an affair with Fiona, a new colleague at work. He recognized that it started off with his compassion for Fiona's situation. He was moved by her tale of a distressed marriage, a disabled child, and a terminally ill father who lived with her.

Les admitted that he was flattered by Fiona's idealizing him when she compared him to her insensitive husband. He pictured himself as her protector rescuing her from her troubled life. One freezing Sunday, when he got a call from Fiona asking him to drive over and give her dead battery a charge he did share it with Lisa. Later, he and Lisa agreed that when he stopped talking about Fiona at home and started keeping his weekend phone calls secret, the friendship had shifted into an emotional affair. Sexual intimacy developed as Les became convinced that he was "in love" with Fiona, and he began to detach emotionally and sexually from the marriage.

Fiona had grown up in a working-class family without luxuries. She was thrilled when Les took her out to a simple lunch at a restaurant that had table service. In contrast, when Les and Lisa went to five-star restaurants, they took it for granted as part of their lifestyle. Les felt gratified that he could add a little joy to Fiona's troubled life.

Because Les and Lisa talked about how he felt sorry for Fiona, it became clear to both of them that he was vulnerable to rescuing maidens in distress. He vowed that in the future, he would erect distinct boundaries with unhappy, attractive women who touched his kind heart. When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and re-forging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred, but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics.

2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?

Asking about guilt reveals the internalized values of the unfaithful partner. Some people never feel any guilt about getting involved. People who anticipate guilty feelings before they act are more inclined to avoid dangerous crossings. Others feel guilty after they act, although guilt after the transgression doesn't necessarily keep them from repeating their "sin."

Some people feel so disgusted with themselves after their first extramarital sex that they get together again with the affair partner as soon as possible: another dose of the aphrodisiac offers them a temporary escape from their self-loathing. Some get rid of their guilt and continue the affair by rationalizing that nobody is getting hurt because they are "not taking anything away" from their spouse or family. Others transform guilty feelings by taking responsibility and terminating their extramarital behaviors long before they are discovered.How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

Affairs are both messy and glamorous. The forbidden, unstable nature of secret affairs keeps passion flowing years beyond what's common in a stable relationship. Unfaithful spouses often appear to be addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can't seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.

Comprehending what started an affair is different from comprehending what kept it going. It may have started out of a shared interest or sexual attraction but continued because of a deepening emotional attachment. Or it may have started as an emotional affair and continued because the sex was so great. Or it may have started because the marriage was in a slump but continued because it assumed a life of its own long after the marriage improved.

It is as important to understand how the affair ended as it is to understand what sustained it. The ramifications of an affair that was ended by the unfaithful spouse before disclosure are very different from an affair that was ended either by the affair partner or by the ultimatums of the betrayed partner. If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It's easier to put a relationship behind you if you're the one who made the decision to leave.

4. Did you think about me at all?

If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn't have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed

--it is about the person who did the betraying. Betrayed spouses often see themselves as a central character in a spouse's affair and believe that every step was taken with them in mind. "How could you do this to me?" they ask. The reality is that the involved spouse probably didn't consider his or her partner much at all. Simply put, unfaithful partners seldom anticipate the tragic consequences or the pain they inflict.will probably be hurtful for betrayed partners to learn that although unfaithful spouses have difficulty suppressing thoughts of their lovers at home, they are unlikely to think about their spouses while they are in their love nests. Intrusive thoughts of lovers flow from necessity of maintaining secrets, but it takes little energy to suppress thoughts of socially sanctioned marriages.

5. What did you share about us?

This question addresses the issues of loyalty to the marriage and the nature of emotional intimacy in the affair. The betrayed partner has an understandable interest in knowing how much of a window the affair partner had into the marriage. The betrayed partner might also want to know how he or she and the marriage were portrayed.

Some unfaithful partners give positive accounts of their marriages and glowing descriptions of their spouses, to the bewilderment and chagrin of their affair partners. Others describe their spouses as cold or distant. It's hard to know whether this is an attempt to deceive by making the marriage look bad or whether it is a misguided unburdening of real marital woes. In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it's important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you've discussed only with your affair partner. The next chapter will help you both review the story of your marriage and address these problems together.

In the event that the marriage was shielded and the betrayed spouse was never discussed, why were these topics not discussed with the affair partner? Some unfaithful partners try to keep their double lives completely separate by compartmentalizing. They may delude themselves into thinking that they are honoring their marriage by shielding it from the scrutiny of the person they are cheating with.Did you talk about love or about a future together?

Talking about love is likely to bring to the surface errors of assumed similarity. The betrayed partner might insist that love and marriage were part of the picture and won't believe otherwise. If the involved partner does confess to being in love, this admission can make sense of events in a way that rote denials never could. It would explain why the affair went on so long and why it took so long to recover from the loss.

If you are the involved partner, however, you should not fabricate a story of unrequited love just to satisfy your partner's misguided projections. Be honest about whatever romantic declarations or talk of the future did occur. Otherwise, your betrayed partner may fill in the blanks with scenarios that are far more painful than the actual truth. Admit it if you ever shared dreams of "riding off into the sunset" together or said "I love you" in the heat of passion. I have seen it backfire when betrayed partners found incriminating love letters or e-mails after involved partners denied exchanging words of love or dreams of the future.

If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.

7. What did you see in the affair partner?

The betrayed partner will already have a portrait of the affair partner, but it is almost never the whole picture. Betrayed spouses are prone to place all the blame on the affair partner, preferring to believe that their gullible spouse was manipulated and seduced. They may not be willing to accept that the person to whom they're married took an active role, and therefore displace a lot of the anger and rage onto the affair partner. Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant.

Al and Amber quarreled about their divergent perceptions of his affair partner, Zelda, who worked for him. Amber regarded Zelda as "a bitch and a manipulative slut who was out to get Al's money." In reaction, Al glorified Zelda's competence and loyalty. But the more Al talked about Zelda, the more he realized that he could never have maintained a long-term relationship with her because of her mood swings. Amber, on the other hand, grew to understand that Zelda's constant praise and high energy appealed to Al. Finally, they arrived at a combined picture of Zelda as a hard-working woman with a charged personality who used flattery to get what she wanted.Betrayed partners vacillate between glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being. Questions about physical appearance, personality, and intellect are attempts to see whether they measure up to their rival in sex appeal and achievement. These questions aren't helpful, as they seldom reveal the lure of the affair partners looking rather ordinary. The appeal of the affair is frequently in the positive mirroring or the sounding board it provides, rather than in the lover's charisma.

8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the affair partner was like, it is more productive to focus on what the unfaithful partner was like in the extramarital relationship. New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies. In long-term relationships, the potential to develop a different persona is constricted by familiarity. For example, a man who is a powerful CEO in a large corporation is regarded and teased in his family of origin as "the baby."

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with somebody else.

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?

This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded. Discuss how you or your partner handled previous temptations, even if no lines were crossed. Explore past experiences of slippery slopes and blurred boundaries. If this is not the first incident, ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were "only oral sex" or "sex without love" or "love without sex"?Partners who were too accepting of an earlier infidelity can mislead their spouses into thinking it's no big deal to be discovered. One unfaithful husband told me that his affair had been worth it. It had taken him only two weeks to pay for something that had felt good for six months.

Not every couple takes the time or has the guidance and support to work through betrayals that have occurred before. Although you might prefer to move ahead without dredging up all that old, miserable stuff, past affairs that are not dealt with will continue to contaminate your relationship.

10. Did you have unprotected sex?

Sad to say, this is one of those questions that you must ask. Ignoring the risk of disease or pregnancy is a thoughtless act. Some unfaithful partners give an adolescent rationale: "We were swept away by love and didn't want it to look like it was preplanned." Although relying on birth control pills or diaphragms may protect from unwanted pregnancies, those methods still expose the participants to sexually transmitted diseases. Few people regard their affair partners as a possible source of infection, so they don't take the necessary precautions to have safe sex.

Unprotected sex is a painful reminder of how inconsiderate and reckless the unfaithful partner may have been during the affair. Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to these humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital sex.

4 Other Falsehoods about Adultery

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:39:00 +0000

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph. D.

Heart attacks are not always fatal

-- and neither is adultery. Cardiac patients can survive and even thrive, once they find a healthier way of living. After an affair, a couple can do the same by finding a healthier way of loving.

I know how wrenching adultery can be, because I watched it nearly tear apart my own family. I also know from my own experience, both personal and professional, that adultery can be a forgivable sin. Fidelity is not a guarantee that love persists, nor is infidelity a sign that love has faded or died. In fact, adultery can even be a way -- albeit dysfunctional -- to try and stabilize a floundering relationship.

Why is adultery so frightening and yet so fascinating? In part because we recognize the appeal of it. We grew up in triangles, competing for our mother's attentions with our father and our siblings, and vice versa. That taught us, deep inside, to be terrified of abandonment and to resent sharing. We never quite give up on the childish fantasy that somehow, someday, we'll find someone all our own who only wants us. This is the destructive fantasy that keeps us looking for love in all the wrong places.

Despite our familiarity with adultery, we still don't understand it very well. It's time we stopped alternatively ignoring, excusing and condemning this epidemic. To deal with a problem, you've got to comprehend it first. Let's start by correcting some dangerous misconceptions that have taken root in the conventional wisdom.

Adultery is about sex.

Adultery does not necessarily sweep lovers along on a floodtide of passion. In most couples, the wandering spouse is trying to stave off an empty feeling left by childhood hurts and frustrations

-- especially if he or she is the adult child of an adulterer.

Frequently, the sex is better at home and the marriage partner is at least as good-looking. When I conducted a random survey of a hundred Americans, for example, only one of those who admitted to having affairs gave "poor sexual relationship" as the reason. More often, the attraction was emotional rather than physical.

Any activity or relationship that drains too much time and energy from life with your partner is a form of unfaithfulness. That may include workaholism, obsession with children, sports or gambling addiction, as well as emotional liaisons.

Adultery is about character.

I'm not saying that a penchant for adultery can be passed along genetically in the same way

-- but there is mounting evidence, noted in my practice as well as that of others that there is an emotional dynamic in adulterous behavior that is transferred to the children.

Youngsters can sense that something is wrong even at a very tender age -- children as young as two years old have stunned their parents by babbling about Mommy or Daddy leaving. They may base these intuitions on seen behavior or overheard words, as I did. Years later, these adult children of adulterers will act out their legacy without even knowing it, through their own or their partners' philandering or other dysfunctional behavior.

Adultery is therapeutic.

There's an alarming tendency among some therapists to suggest that infidelity can stabilize a marriage. Some adulterers, meanwhile, contend that extracurricular sex will teach participants how to be better lovers, to everyone's joy.

That's a theory fondly embraced by those who seek a rationale for their wanderings, of course. But the notion that infidelity can enrich a relationship would be laughable if it were not so destructive. It's a lot like the man who kept bashing himself on the head with a hammer because it felt so good when he stopped.

Yes, you may work your way through an affair to find, after it's over, your marriage is stronger -- but it requires incredible honesty and dedication, and it's painful.

Adultery is harmless.

Yes, extra-curricular sex is a pleasure -- one of the reasons betrayers have such a hard time giving up their lovers is that it feels good and it's flattering to have someone around who always puts you first, someone you don't have to nurse through the flu or argue with about the mortgage. Forbidden sex can seem to be nothing more than a delicious indulgence, like chocolate cake.

In truth, this "simple pleasure" is more comparable to cocaine than chocolate -- addictive and potentially lethal. Everyone in a family suffers from an affair -- particularly the children.

We can understand the reasons for having affairs without excusing them. The damage that they do can take generations to undo; infidelity masks the real problems in the individual and the relationship.

Adultery has to end in divorce. Even if you never forget, you can learn to forgive. Ninety-eight percent of my patients are able to renew their marriages, after they dedicate themselves to forgiveness exercises and adopt a new attitude about their marriages.

If you can come to recognize the real motivations for adultery and learn the skills to deal with the underlying problems, you will get through the trauma.

6 NO-NO Boundary Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:29:00 +0000

Certain ladies shouldn't be touched with a 10-foot pole, no matter how hot they are. Instead of giving in to temptation, distract yourself from the desire. Take a class, help kids or take in a ballgame, but whatever you do, stay away from these women you can never date. Generally, the reason to avoid these ladies has nothing to do with the woman herself, but it has everything to do with her context in your life.

Read on for a complete list of women you can never date, and save your reputation, your bank account, your job, and your friendships.

1. Your Best Friend's Sister
The woman you know the best will often appeal to you the most. But if she is your best friend's sister, getting lucky can mean two months of fun followed by the need to move to another part of the city. She makes the “women you can never date” list because as soon as sis becomes sweetheart, you'll be walking on eggshells with your buddy. Gone are the days of complaining to your friend about your women troubles because the conflict of interest ruins the good times, and the first time you make a mess of things, he will likely want to beat your behind.

2. Your Secretary
There are plenty of reasons to keep your mitts off the help. It can get you into all kinds of trouble. But even if the fling goes well, you have problems. You'll soon be tempted to push the limits of what you can get away with at work, perhaps in the janitor's closet. Love at the office is an enormous distraction from your work, especially if you are in charge of her. Others are always watching what you are doing. Worst of all, once the relationship ends, she will enjoy leverage over you, and may use it simply by gossiping about what happened in the aforementioned closet.

3. The Ex-Girlfriend
You've heard it before: Ex-girlfriends are women you can never date. Yet, the ex-girlfriend becomes increasingly seductive as loneliness sets in. After several years of eating the only three meals you know how to prepare, you can easily get blown away when she follows up chicken parmesan one night with chicken marsala the next. She might clean your apartment one day while you were getting loaded at happy hour, and you'll want her there permanently. The loneliness will make you forget the reason the two of you broke up in the first place, but should you jump back into the relationship, those reasons will resurface in no time.

4. Your Friend's Ex
When you witness the breakup of your buddy and his hot girlfriend, your mind will invariably wander to a place better left untouched. Since you've spent lots of time around her, you already have an established relationship—albeit a non-sexual one. Chances are you already imagined what it would be like while she was still dating your pal, and her new freedom may pique your interest, but be forewarned: She is a woman you can never date. If you value your friendship, avoid her at all costs. What men forget to consider is the aftermath of hooking up with a friend's ex. The word will spread to everyone else in your circle about what type of friend you are, and you'll kill your own reputation. It doesn't matter how long ago they broke up, whether they're friends now or not, if your buddy's replaced her with a new girlfriend, the answer is always no. Unless, of course, you enjoy getting your ass kicked.

5. The High-Maintenance Woman
If you value your money and your manhood, the high-maintenance chick is one of the many types of women you can never date. She will love you for your increased earnings at first, but then will consider you to be a soulless workaholic incapable of intimacy. Once you've built up a nest egg, her divorced friends will start directing her on how to devour that nest egg whole, just like a snake. She will give you the screw of a lifetime, but not the kind you're seeking.

6. The Stripper
Of the women you can never date, the stripper is the worst. No, she is not stripping to pay for school. Yes, she might be a hard-luck case, but sooner or later you will be acting like a body guard, thinking you can protect her honor from a rowdy bachelor party. If you think jealousy is beneath you, wait until you observe a private dance from afar when the john offers an extra C-note for a happy ending.

In a player's game : Reasons to Keep It Casual

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:14:00 +0000

Timing is essential, in all walks of life. While you're probably well aware of the obvious as it pertains to relationships and picking up women (communication and observation skills, adaptation to different situations, etc.), you may not think about timing very often, which is a crucial mistake. Some will say you simply follow the flirting flow; trace the grain through a series of events—good and bad—without falling out of the groove. However, this can lead to long-term commitments, so a Player must constantly control the direction of any encounter to insure any new romantic relationship remains entirely temporary from start to finish.

This requires more hands-on performance and a good deal of careful attention, even though it sounds suspiciously like work. If you don't want to be staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun cleverly disguised as a marriage certificate, you had better take the necessary steps and precautions. In other words, you can keep things casual without accidentally sliding into a relationship where she begins to have "expectations."

If you think you've got what it takes and can successfully manage the Player lifestyle, heed the tips below. Just remember: If you shift your attention away from a new relationship, even for a split second, you could suddenly find yourself treading water in the midst of a vast ocean…with no hope of rescue. So I'll help you keep your footing on nice, comfortable Player Land; it's like Never Never Land, but for adults.

No bad feelings

Breakups are hard, and while it's certainly up for debate, some will claim they're even tougher on women. Nobody wants to suffer through a nasty split, especially when it blows up and turns two people into snarling, hateful animals. But hey, if you hadn't noticed, casual sex-only flings never end up this way; you may breakup, but you do so with a wan "oh well" grin rather than a "God, I hate you" glare. Therefore, in order to spare both of you the possibility of an experience no human wants to deal with, you place it squarely on the table. This is a subject that can be broached at just about any time in an early relationship (provided it hasn't already advanced, of course), and it's a relatively safe discussion topic. While it may sound a bit cowardly, she'll also view your stance as one of compassion. And if she doesn't—if she's upset by the theory and calls you out for being "unable to commit"—then you know it's time to leave anyway.

In the end, trying this tactic can not only define the boundaries of your relationship, it can also reveal her true intentions, which would allow you to act accordingly. If you're both on the same page, great. If not…

Bed buddies have all the fun

As you move forward with any new and ultra-delicious partner, it's best to keep the focus on the no-strings-attached fun, and don't ever do anything that might hint at the possibility of something more. Meeting up for an evening shouldn't translate to a romantic dinner and dancing; it should remain firmly cemented in hitting the clubs, maybe catching a movie (it can't be a chick flick) and back to your place for yet another hot, silk-encased encounter. Gifts aren't completely out of the question, but we're talking about lingerie, not flowers and jewelry. Provided you maintain this style and pace throughout your adventures, any woman will get the picture very quickly, which works in your favor. Essentially, you're conveying your desire and intentions with your actions, and this doesn't require any sort of conversation or discussion. If it's not what she wants, she'll take off. Simple.

Simplicity is what you're shooting for; it gets you up in the morning and it lets you face a brand new day with a vigor and confidence most men never acquire. It's all the easier to attain these feelings of power when a sleek vixen wakes up next to you, purrs contentedly and never once considers anything long-term. When you're both eyeing the same goal, everybody wins.

You're not the relationship type

Every time you take a chance and get involved in a long-term relationship, things always go sour, and you're just plain sick of it. No, that's not true, but that's what you'll tell her. She'll view your statement as honest and forthright, and just like in the first tip, you're thinking of her feelings and emotions.

Step right up on the first night (preferably) and say something like, "I'm just terrible at relationships; it's probably best to keep things simple." But you have to realize you're taking a few risks: First, she may interpret this as meaning you're not interested in seeing her again for a late-night sex romp (which can be avoided if you wait to discuss it at a later date), and second, you may begin to gain a certain reputation amongst the female community. But on the other hand, maybe that's a beneficial slip; you'll be attracting just the right kind of woman. Eventually, provided you continue to frequent certain hot spots, you won't have to explain so often, and the appropriate woman will drop right into your lap. Literally.

However, you can't play this card too often. At some point, it'll start sounding like just another lame excuse…which is why there is more than one tip in this article.

It's a way to stay distant

"No strings attached" often hints at emotional strings, which are generally the strongest and most inconvenient for any would-be Player. This being the case, it's best to avoid slipping into full-on intimacy by steering clear of subjects that would define your life and personality. If she truly gets to know you, and begins to fall for that person, you're in for a whole heaping mound of trouble. But one of the best ways to entice women is to embrace the persona of the classic "mysterious, brooding" character, because this will send the very clear message that you nave no interest in opening the door into your life. This isn't the guy who blathers on about his life story, career, or family and friends; this is the guy who loves to have fun but doesn't volunteer much of anything about himself. Some women hate this—and they're typically the ones you want to avoid anyway— but others find this "distant and removed" persona sexy as all hell. Yes, the appeal may wear off eventually, but doesn't that actually help your cause?

Darn right it does.

You're on the rebound

You've never been on the rebound once in your life, but she doesn't need to know that. If you offer this as a potential reason to stay away from the possibility of a monogamous relationship, there isn't much she can do to change the established direction. She understands you're not an emotional wreck but she also realizes you're not ready to enter into anything serious. You'd rather not talk about the past, and while this new encounter has nothing to do with revenge, it's good to get out and have a bit of fun. Everybody has a meaningless little fling immediately after separating from a long-time partner, but as an effective Player, you're permanently entrenched in this mode of freedom-based entertainment. Hey, it's the path to non-stop sumptuous variety, right? Variety is the spice of life, and if you want to develop and maintain your Player status, experimentation and multiple partners are core requirements.

As outlined in the "you're not the relationship type" hint, you can't just stick to one style and claim to be a successful pickup artist. When interacting with the fairer sex, you have to realize that women tend to talk, and if you start using the same tactic all the time, you'll be running on fumes before you know it.

Because you have a fear of commitment

Let's face it: You're not looking to keep things simple only because you're morally opposed to the concept of marriage. You want to sleep with more than one hot woman, and you want to do it on a frequent basis. Commitment is a word that should never be uttered in the presence of a Player because it's like kryptonite; it makes us keel over in pain, our hands clasped to our chests as we cringe in agony. A touch melodramatic, yes, but the very idea of limiting ourselves to one female leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Therefore, you shouldn't commit to anything; embrace the theory to its fullest. By not committing to anything —even plans for next week—you're sending along a very clear message.

But before you begin to act like an insensitive jackass, this is not a license to flake out on carefully laid plans -- standing somebody up time and time again isn't non-committal. That's just sleazy and classless, and neither of those attributes should ever be accurate when describing a Player. No, this is more about portraying yourself as a free spirit who doesn't like to be tied down, a fun-seeking individual who isn't interested in annoying entanglements.

Above all else, be a gentleman

Just remember: The Player remains a classy and sophisticated individual, one who simply adores women and treats them accordingly. Never, under any circumstances, can attempting a lifestyle loaded with casual encounters translate to being predatory. There's a big difference between successful bachelor and insensitive, uncaring, selfish, and disrespectful idiot; the latter is only a tweak away from plying a woman with alcohol until she's drunk enough to have sex with a camel.

This isn't about taking advantage or putting the woman in a position of discomfort or fear; this is about finding a partner who enjoys time in the sack, one who will give you the time of your life and won't ask for…well, your life in return. Those women are out there. They adopt the same ideals and rituals you do, and they're seeking a man who will give them what they desire. And once you've located them and solidified your status and intentions, the results should be most enviable.

How do you know if it's true love?

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:49:00 +0000

Wondering if you've just met the perfect match? Here are some guidelines to help you decide if it's true love.

After several dates, you feel you've found the perfect person. This is your dream mate, the one who will stand by you through thick and thin. You're ready to tie the knot at last.

But is it love? Or is it a cheap imitation, like infatuation, lust, or even simple companionship? Here are a few things to consider as you make the ultimate life-changing decision:

1. Do you want what's best for this person, or do you want what this person can do to help you? For example, if your mate has the chance to get a wonderful job in another city, are you willing to pull up stakes and move, or will you expect the job opportunity to get tossed aside for you? Love means putting the other person's needs ahead of your own, even when that involves sacrifice. While blind agreement to any difference of opinion is unrealistic and unreasonable, a thoughtful discussion of what is better for each of you individually as well as both of you as a couple needs to take place.

2. Do you enjoy looking at the person or talking to the person more? Both are important to a mature relationship, but if you find yourself fixated on physical appearance, attracted to your mate because of face, figure, or form, you may be taking a superficial look at your loved one. On the other hand, you don't want to be taken in by flattery or false statements. If your significant other is all talk and no action, that can be a warning sign to drop the relationship before you end up with one broken promise after another. A balance of physical and mental attraction is a healthy signal.

3. Are you willing to wait to make the relationship work? For example, if your mate pushes you to do things you don't feel comfortable with, can you firmly say no? Will your response be handled respectfully and with patience? It goes both ways, too. Are you willing to wait on your partner to get more serious when he or she is ready, or are you demanding more interaction now? Can you wait to marry until the other person finishes school or are you pushing to live together first? Patience is an important virtue associated with successful, long-term relationships.

4. Do you support each other by anticipating and meeting needs? For example, if you need to work extra right now to pay off debt before getting married, does your mate understand that the situation is temporary and willingly wait for you to put in the extra hours at your job, rather than complain about your absence? If the person has a list of errands to run before the two of you can get together, do you offer to help?

5. Are you friends? Companionship lasts much longer than ardor, generally speaking. People in their 70's, 80's, and 90's may lose some of their physical spontaneity, but they maintain a quest for fun and a shared life until the end. Do you laugh together? Enjoy similar activities? Share each other with friends and family? Or do you expect your perfect mate to spend all free time with you exclusively?

Loving another person involves self-sacrifice and compromise. If you are attracted to someone for whom you are unwilling to be patient and to share all parts of your life, you may have a lot of work to do or disappointment to deal with after the wedding. Take time now to assess your relationship with these and other factors to see if you can make a life that could last fifty years or more with the person of your dreams. Because when you wake up, your mate will still be there.

Learning from a break-up

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:43:00 +0000

When a relationship ends, you should take the time to reflect on the reasons that it has ended so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life. There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship. What was the cause of your breakup?

If you cheated on your mate, then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to be unfaithful. If anyone has ever cheated on you, you know how painful it feels. Rather than dwelling on your indiscretion, forgive yourself, and move forward with the conviction that you will not do it again.

If your mate was cheating on you, and that was the cause of your breakup, there’s still an opportunity for personal growth. Understandably, you feel very hurt and betrayed. However, this is your chance to be strong and independent. You can get through this, and when you do, you will feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself for your strength. Breaking up with your unfaithful significant other was the right move; you stood up for yourself, and you made it clear that you were not someone who is to be taken advantage of.

If your relationship ended because you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, and your mate did not want to get too serious, then you will learn to pair yourself up with a person who has similar goals for the future. Get in a relationship with someone who is looking to settle down, if that is what you are looking to do. If you were the one who did not want to get too serious, then you should be looking for someone who is also looking for a casual relationship. Leading people on is not right, and it can only lead to hurt feelings. Be honest with yourself and with the people that you date in the future.

Perhaps your mate broke up with you because you could not control your anger. You yelled too much, and you were constantly putting your significant other down. If you were not treating your mate right, then they were right to leave. You have to learn to control yourself and to express your feelings in a healthier way. This is your opportunity to change your poor behavior so that your future relationships will not suffer in the same way. You’re not a bad person; you just made some bad choices. If you have severe anger management problems, you should seek professional help.

If you’re on the other end of the abusive relationship, then you have to learn not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and used as a human punching bag. You deserve to be treated with care and respect, and you should accept nothing less in your future relationships. Do not compromise your happiness for someone who is not treating you properly. If you have low self esteem, you have to work on feeling better about yourself before you will be ready to share your life with another person again.

If the relationship ended because you simply did not feel that it had a future, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you did not see a future between the two of you. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Or is it simply that the two of you do not want the same things out of life, or that you have grown apart over the course of your relationship? If you have established a pattern off breaking off relationships when they become too serious, then you need to determine whether not that is just a fear of commitment on your half. On the other hand, if you truly believe that your ex’s goals were too different from your own for your relationship’s future to thrive, then you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. If there is no future, then you should not be wasting your time, and breaking up with your mate will give you the opportunity to seek out someone whose goals are similar to your own. It is natural to feel sadness and loss after you break up with someone that you have had a romantic relationship with, but in order to get over it, you have to look for the silver lining.

how to have a closer-bond with someone?

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:40:00 +0000

When you want to have a deeper relationship with your dating partner, here are a few ideas which encourage closer emotional intimacy.

In personal relationships, sometimes you get to the point where you’re ready to go to the next level. Instead of a casual dating situation, you want a deeper, more committed relationship that may last over time or even lead to marriage.

But how do you take the next step without tumbling into an abyss? Here are a few tips that might prove helpful:

1. Spend more time together. Some dating relationships begin with the couple seeing each other once or twice a week. This works well when both people work or manage other responsibilities, like college or caring for a family. Over time, however, you may decide that you want to know more about the other person, and that involves spending more time together through the week or on weekends so that you can observe each other more often or experience a variety of lifestyle situations. This should be a shared decision, not one person demanding more time than the other wants to give. Work out the details of when and how often you will get together, and for what purpose.

2. Share more of your lives. The type of lifestyle events you share can make a difference in the direction of your relationship. For example, you may decide to introduce your dating partner to the family and even to invite him to holiday dinners or parties. Perhaps the two of you will attend each other’s company picnics or Christmas parties. You may want to run errands together, like getting a haircut or washing the car. Whichever direction you go, taking the other person along can help you grow closer as you peek into the crevices of each other’s daily schedules or special events.

3. Cultivate intimate conversation. Special discussions or time spent conversing about meaningful things helps to foster a relationship. Women, especially, enjoy time spent talking, although many men willingly develop this habit with the women in their lives. Set a few minutes aside during your time together to talk over each other’s workday, to share political or religious views, or to exchange opinions on current events. You may want to solicit advice or air a viewpoint. Perhaps you just seek a listening ear. Being these things for each other can deepen your value as a couple.

4. Discuss problems openly. Sometimes we ignore petty irritations. But don’t sweep major problems under the rug. Issues dealing with money, extended family, work schedules, and child discipline or housework can have serious ramifications for many relationships, especially if you are thinking about getting married. Thoughtfully explore these issues and other problems that rise to the surface of your relationship. Be a courteous listener and take pains to be sure you understand your partner’s position before trying to express your own. Then together, work on finding a suitable solution.

5. Be mutually supportive. There will be times when a partner’s need may interfere with our own desires or goals. For example, you bring home a report to work on that’s due tomorrow, and your partner calls to ask if she can unburden herself of a nagging problem about a coworker. With a sigh you agree, trying not to be disgruntled. It’s fine to set boundaries:

“Sure, come on over. I have to finish this report, but let’s talk it over until 8:30 or so.”

Another example may be when you want to get a good night’s sleep and the phone rings just as you’re drifting off. Your date mate wants to ask your opinion about whether her mom needs to see a doctor for a suspicious cough. You really don’t want to answer the phone, and you’d rather be sleeping than discuss someone’s cough, but suppressing a growl you listen patiently for twenty minutes before ending the conversation with an affectionate good-bye.

Building and maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging today. But it’s still worthwhile to do the work before marriage than to struggle with unresolved issues afterward.

How to work out differences before you get married

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:30:00 +0000

Couples should work on issues that could become major problems before they marry to increase the chances of a long and successful life together.

You’ve finally met the love of your life, and you and your fiancée are planning a wedding. This is one of the most exciting times of your life, and you want everything to be perfect! Many times, however, couples in love easily overlook issues that could turn into major problems once the newness of love has worn off.

With divorce rates as much as 50%, pre-marital counseling sessions are becoming more common. In the past, basically the only people who received counseling were couples whose marriages were already in deep trouble. Today, more and more couples are seeking out counselors and clergymen to offer advice on how to maintain a strong, healthy marriage.

If two people marry, and neither of them has been married before, the major issues they will probably need to work on will include learning to adjust to the process of living with someone else. That may not sound so difficult on paper, but it can be extremely trying if one or both have a few annoying habits or idiosyncrasies that drive the other partner crazy.

In the beginning, these habits may only be amusing or endearing, but as time goes by, they may become the source of resentment and even anger. Pets can even cause extreme angst if one person is a pet lover and the other suffers from pet related allergies. What happens when they come together to form one big, happy family?

Ideally, issues such as this one should be resolved before the couple marries. How they resolve the issue will give the couple an indication of how well they will be able to work through other conflicts as they arise. If they simply argue with finding a resolution, then there isn’t any doubt that the reason for the conflict will rear its ugly head again and again. If they just ignore the problem, eventually resentment will build, and the problem will morph into an even bigger issue.

If one or both couples have a previous marriage, and step-children are part of the picture, there will be a whole new set of potential problems. Not only will the couple need pre-marital counseling or at least need to work issues out prior to the marriage, but the children may also need to be a part of at least some of the decision making process.

If one partner has children, but the other doesn’t, the future step-parent needs to understand what his or her role will be as a step-father or step-mother. These are not issues that should be made as split-second judgments. Instead, the step-parent should know what is expected of him or her regarding responsibilities, such as support, punishment, etc. In return, the step-child should also understand what is expected out of him or her in regards to the role her new step-parent will take.

If both parents have children, there can be additional stress simply from combining two families with several, very different individuals. Each child should understand what is expected. Rules should be discussed, and both parents should strive to treat each child as fairly and equally as possible. If the children are old enough, they should be able to put in some of their opinions and wishes before the marriage takes place.

When couples work diligently to smooth out some of the possible problems before the marriage occurs, there should be less reason for strife and stress later. If a couple really can’t discuss problems before they get married, they may need to seriously reconsider or at least allow more time to go by before they enter into matrimony. Pre-marital counseling doesn’t mean a couple should have a pre-nuptial agreement. It simply means that a couple in love plans on taking their vows seriously, and they want to do everything in their power to ensure that their marriage is a success.

Are You Ready for Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:26:00 +0000

Decide if you are getting married for the right reasons with these helpful tips.

Would you like to know if you are ready to get married? First, ask yourself if you are at the right place in your own life. Examine your motivations for wanting to get married. Don’t compromise because you need financial help, are lonely, or think that marriage will otherwise solve your problems. A spouse can be a source of support and companionship, but choosing the wrong person for you can only perpetuate your troubles.

Before you get married, make sure you have built a solid foundation for your relationship with your partner. How well do you know one another? You should be aware of each other’s history, preferences, and lifestyle, and be able to discuss things openly. Ideally, you will have seen the person in a variety of situations and know how they cope and what to expect from them. Find out if you and your partner have the same expectations for your married lives together.

Discuss and consider your expectations for family, social and religious attendance, and household organization and finances.

1.) If one or both of you have a young child or children, consider their needs and happiness carefully. How prepared are each of you be in the children’s lives? Will this be the right situation and best environment for them? Remember that children are dependent upon their parents and that you are setting an example for them in everything you do. Whether the two of you have previous children or not, you should also discuss the possibility of having children together in the future. You may not be ready to plan on having children or make a choice not to have children, but it should still be discussed in order to get an idea of what might lie ahead. You should also meet each other’s families and find out what kind of time and involvement will be expected from you in the future. Will your in-laws be insulted if you don’t join them every Sunday for dinner? Will your husband feel neglected and complain about the bill if you phone your sister daily?

2.) Time spent with each other’s families is one concern regarding socialization, but there are also other factors. What activities will you do together and what activities will you do separately? It is important to be able to make time for one another without giving up the independence you both enjoy. Do your religious affiliations differ? Religion is a strong belief for many people and one that has to be heartfelt, so it is crucial that you be able to respect each other’s beliefs.

3.) What resources and financial obligations do the two of you have? How will the two of you pay bills, keep bank accounts, earn money, and choose how to spend? While money is certainly not as important as love, it can be a major source of tension between couples and is an important element in planning a future together. In addition, consider what responsibilities each of you will have within the household.

Although there is no surefire way to determine if marriage is right for you, considering the above concerns carefully can help you make an informed decision. Decide whether you are ready to head to the altar or if youneed to spend some time working on yourself and your relationship.

How to know if you're ready to get married?

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:24:00 +0000

How can you know if you're ready to get married? Read on to find out tips and advice.

The big day that you dreamed about for years has arrived. The person you love has ask to or agreed to marry you but how does one know if they are really ready to enter into the covenant of marriage? While volumes could be written to address this issue, this article will attempt to generate some thought on a variety of issues that a wise prospective bride or groom should contemplate before entering into the marriage agreement.

It is wise for individuals to know themselves well before attempting to blend their lives with the life of another individual. Things that are important to know are what one considers as goals for his/her life. Things like finishing college, having a career, rearing children, taking care of extended family if need be, traveling as well a variety of other aspirations should be contemplated and taken into account when considering marriage. There should be clear communication on the goals that each person has with their intended marriage partner so that any issues/conflicts between the two individuals in regard to these goals can be discussed to make certain that there is a plan in place for when these issues arise. One example would be if both individuals want to attend college. There needs to be a plan for how to meet financial obligations while one or both spouses are in college. While goals of individuals may change over the course of a lifetime, it is a good idea to at least enter marriage with a clear plan to accommodate the goals of the bride and the groom. If there is not a way to formulate such a plan and neither partner is willing to sacrifice a goal, then this might indicate a need to postpone or forego the marriage.

Perspective brides and grooms should have clear ideas on how both they and their partner wish to live as a married couple. Questions such as: Do we want to have careers that demand a lot of our time and reap large financial gain or will one person stay home and/or work part time to care for the home and children that might eventually come into the picture? If there is a large gap in the lifestyles that both partners view as ideal, this may signal a red flag when the wedding is over and reality sets in.

Knowing the expectations that an individual has for his/her future mate is something that should be clearly defined and communicated prior to marriage. Expectations in the area of spiritual leadership/participation (or the lack thereof), parenting, communication, child rearing, conflict resolution, dealing with in-laws, sexuality, financial management, travel, relocation and traditions are a list of some very common conflicts in a marriage and therefore are things that one should know how they can somewhat anticipate their future spouse’s to feel toward and expect to handle. While there will likely be differences in opinion on a variety of issues, the impact that these differences could have in the future, for both marriage partners, should be considered.

Genuine preparation for marriage involves knowing oneself and their intended spouse very well and being willing to make sacrifices and work through differences as they arise. A perspective bride/groom must be willing to commit to some degree of selflessness in order to make a successful marriage.

Relationship tips: how to rebuild intimacy after a breakup

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:19:00 +0000

A painful break up can feel like the permanent end to a relationships, but it can also lead to a better foundation for a more intimate reunion.

One of the most painful realities about romantic relationships is that they can only lead to two conclusions- a serious long-term commitment or a decision to break up. All of the good times, all of the intimate conversations, all of the shared experiences can end with a single argument or indiscretion. Relationships are fragile things by nature, which can only make a painful breakup that much more difficult to process.

But sometimes the bond between two people can still be strong in spite of the 'failed relationship'. Some couples find that it's easier to deal with each other once the pressure of a serious romance is off. With fewer expectations, both are free to share mutual hobbies and interests as friends. The difficulty then shifts to coping with a 400 pound gorilla called the past. Following a painful breakup, a sense of friendship may still exist but not necessarily a sense of true INTIMACY. Can a couple truly restore the intimacy they once experienced during their former romance? The answer depends on how much work both are willing to do to achieve that goal.

First of all, restoring intimacy after a breakup is really two separate issues- true intimacy cannot be restored until the breakup has been fully addressed. This means looking back at the entire relationship and the underlying issues which caused the breakup. Taking inventory of a failed relationship is never easy, so couples should not expect miracles at first. It helps to remember the small events first- memorable dates, shared jokes, embarrassing moments. Intimacy begins when the arc of the relationship is remembered more than the breakup. Couples interested in restoring a broken relationship need to remember what brought them together in the first place.

A breakup is literally and figuratively the death of a relationship, so the entire cycle of grief must be allowed to happen. Obviously there will be a time when neither partner wants to be in the same room or planet as the other. This is all to be expected in the denial and anger phases of grief. The circumstances surrounding the breakup may even demand a physical separation, at least until the immediate issues are resolved. A breakup due to infidelity, for example, may require a partner to avoid seeing the 'scene of the crime' or the other party involved. All of these temporary solutions need to be explored before there is any hope of reconciliation. The former relationship must die completely before it can be reborn.

Both partners also need time to redefine themselves as individuals before considering a return to intimacy. Romantic couples often meld their individual personalities and goals into a new entity. When that entity suffers the shock of a breakup, it can take a while for both halves to re-establish their individuality. For a new intimacy to occur, both partners must bring their new selves to the meeting. The former relationship involved two people who didn't have the foresight of a painful breakup. A new relationship involves two people who now understand how to hurt each other. The old personalities simply cannot enter into a new relationship and hope to create true intimacy.

Some couples who reconcile too quickly after a breakup discover that very few things have actually changed between them. The need to feel secure or appreciated or protected may override the natural healing process. Being alone again after a long relationship can be very scary, so some former partners will seek out an ex simply for the illusion of intimacy. Humans tend to seek out the solution with the least amount of unknowns, which in relationship terms can mean a premature return to a safer time. Couples who truly seek a return to intimacy should recognize the difference between a temporary emotion born from anxiety and a deeper desire to correct the mistakes of the past and rekindle a mature relationship.

Tthe effects of infidelity

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:08:00 +0000

Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

Many factors can ruin a relationship. Infidelity is one of the top reasons. Why is it that infidelity is hard to forgive and forget? The aftermath is usually longer than the actual affair. What are the effects of infidelity on a relationship?

Trust

Infidelity affects the trust level in a relationship. A relationship is a commitment to each other, together and apart. Infidelity breaks the trust that one has for their partner when they are apart. An affair is cloaked in location and activity lies. Therefore it is difficult to believe what one says. If there are children in the relationship, they are being lied to also. The time spent away with the lover, is time away from the children. One must lie to them about their absence. Older children are keener, thus they can see through and dissect lies. Too many disappointments can lead to resentment in children. With resentment and lack of trust, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with one’s children.

Lack of trust may cause constant suspicion and interrogation. This can create a tense and hostile home environment, even if the affair is over. The lingering aura of the affair is enough to cause spontaneous arguments.

Self Esteem

Infidelity hurts one’s partner, because it may attack their self-esteem. One begins to question their value and worth against their partner’s lover. What is it that he/she has that I don’t have? Are they younger, slimmer, more handsome? Self-analysis easily transpires into self-criticism.

Self-destructive criticism manifests into a self-fulfilling prophecy. One who feels ugly, sometimes becomes ugly. Depression is a highly plausible result of destructive self-criticism. Depression literally depresses drives and motivation. The desire to care for one’s physical appearance begins to decline, and then disappear. The infidelous partner uses this as an excuse for their infidelity. In actuality they have directly contributed to it. Low self-esteem in one’s partner can manifest in any ways other than depression. It can cause the offended partner to become adulterous, themselves.

Partners and spouses are not the only ones to suffer a self-esteem blow when one cheats. Children begin to question their worth when they witness a parent’s infidelity. Many may blame themselves for the parent’s absence. They may feel that they are not good enough, or behave well enough for the parent to want to be with them. They may feel that they have driven the parent away.

These can lead to anxieties in a child such as perfectionist behavior or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Girls who grow up with an adulterous father may develop trust issues with men when they grow up. Or she may have hostile feelings towards men because of what she witnessed her mother endure, when she was a child.

Boys who witness infidelity may have low respect for women as their father did for their mother. They may feel that being a man is equal to being adulterous. If their mother is the adulterous one, he may view women as immoral and have issues of trust or resentment towards them.

Image

If one holds a high profile position, locally or internationally, infidelity can ruin one’s public image. Politicians, religious leaders and activists cannot afford any moral based scandals. Infidelity can cost a high profile person their career. The American public is infatuated with infidelity on the big and small screen. But many are quite unforgiving of infidelity in their leaders.

Infidelity is an expensive habit. If it leads to divorce of a marriage, the legal judgments may be affected by infidelity. Pain, suffering and alimony allotments are weighed against the reason of the marriage dissolution.

Infidelity can also affect child custody rulings. Character judgments will be filtered through the affair. It may be embarrassing for the adulterer and their lover to be publicly scrutinized. Infidelity usually makes for a messy divorce. And post divorce relationships can often be bitter and hostile.

Infidelity causes inter-generational as well as career damage. Some of this damage can be repaired through professional counseling. But some damage is irreparable. Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

More on flirting and body language

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:56:00 +0000

by Tracey Cox

A number of subconscious triggers play a major role in the dating game, governing how we see each other. Find out how to avoid getting the push before you've said "hello"!

Statistics differ but most experts agree it takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we fancy someone - and as much as we'd like to think it all rests on that witty one-liner, it doesn't.

50% of the impression we get from someone comes through our body language

38% is from the tone, speed and inflection of our voice

and a mere 7% is from what we're actually saying!

First impressions

This doesn't mean you can get away with droning on about your passion for snails and butterfly collection forever (content is crucial later), but it does mean you need to get the body language right straight away or they won't bother to stick around to find out how fascinating you are.

If you're not already feeling horribly self-conscious, you should be. To make you completely paranoid, here's another scary thought. Before you've even spoken to the person you've got your eye on, the way you've walked and stood is more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!

We make snap judgements based on instinct but the fact is, almost every facet of our personality is evident from our appearance, posture and the way we move.

So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals - and (more importantly) how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking (and the flirting) by learning to recognise...

The five secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with you

1)The flirting triangle. When we look at people we're not familiar with (in a business situation for instance), our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and mouth.

Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger - it widens at the bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and the more time we'll spend looking at their mouth.

If someone is watching your mouth while you're talking to them, it can be very, very seductive. It could be that they're imagining what it would be like to kiss you.

2)Mirroring. This is what separates a good flirt from a great flirt: nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone's behaviour. This simply means you do whatever it is they do. If they lean forward to tell you something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back to take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, you pause then follow suit.

The theory behind mirroring is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we're doing, we feel they're on the same level as us and in the same mood as we are.

There are two no-go areas with this one, though: firstly, only mirror positive body language; second, capture the spirit rather than mimicking them. As a general rule, wait around 50 seconds before following their gestures.

3)The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they are similarly attracted, they raise their eyebrows in return. Never noticed? It's not surprising since the whole thing lasts only about a fifth of a second!

We're not consciously aware of doing it, but it's a gesture that is duplicated by every culture on Earth. In fact, some experts claim it's the most instantly recognised non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans.

The trick is to watch for it when you meet someone you fancy. Better still, tell them you're interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second - deliberately raise them while catching their eye for full impact.

4)Pointing. Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing - we tend to point toward the person we're interested in. If we find someone attractive, we'll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms, feet, legs, toes.

Again, it's an unconscious indicator to make our intentions known. Unconsciously, this is often picked up by the other person, without them really knowing why.

So if you've got your eye on someone in the corner, point your body in their direction - even if you don't make eye contact, they may take the hint.

5)Blinking. If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases and so does their blink rate. If you want to up the odds in your favour, try increasing the blink rate of the person you're talking to, by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they'll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more attracted to each other!

Now, one final word before you go rushing off to the nearest bar to practise all this. Before you go, you must understand...

The golden rule of body language

Don't judge on one thing alone. Sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might also mean you're freezing cold, you're having a fat day or just spilt coffee all over your top!

Don't jump to conclusions, instead look for clusters of behaviour. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, it's a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive. Most body language experts favour the Rule of Four, which means look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Safety on dates

If you're cyber dating, using the personals or even a dating agency you haven't tried before, it makes sense to...

Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don't waste time if it doesn't work. Help prevent any unwanted chasing (which might turn into stalking) by being polite but not leading them on. If you don't fancy them, just say '"You're a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for."
Stick to an area that's well lit with lots of people around. It's a good idea to meet in a place where you're known so the person you're with can be identified. Chat away to the waiter/waitress so it's obvious you've been seen with them.
Don't invite strangers to your home and don't go to theirs until you know them very well.
Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they using the service for the right reasons or are they just after sex?
Give the details of your date to several friends - where you'll be, the time you'll meet, the person's name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you're OK; you phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Do you & your partner want the same things?

noreply@blogger.com (ms. dreamystargazer) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:50:00 +0000

The test of any relationship comes with time: as we get older, so our views, aspirations and ambitions change. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at how to help your relationship face the challenge.

The first attraction

Having things in common is often a major part of the initial attraction to our partners. Some anthropologists will tell you that at an unconscious level we even go so far as to choose partners who look like us.

As a relationship develops, each shared experience gives us the chance to check out if we're compatible. Do we share the same taste in music? Do we laugh at the same jokes? Do we like the same people?

If we seem to have plenty in common, we'll begin to explore each other's aspirations to see if we have a shared future together.

What our ambitions say about us

When we begin to talk about our dreams and ambitions, we're sharing the things that are closest to our hearts. We're saying something about our personal values and about our priorities. For example:

If you won £1million, what would you do with it? Or, to put it another way, what are the things that make you happy?
If you could have only three things with you on a desert island, what would they be? Or, what are the most important things in your life?

Each to their own

The person who says "f I won a million, I'd buy us a new home" is saying something quite different from the person who says "I'd buy myself a sports car".

The person who forgets to mention their partner as one of the things they'd have on a desert island with them had better be ready to defend themselves.

When dreams change

Your partner always insisted they hated travel, but has now announced a desire to emigrate to Peru. How can that happen?

As we get older, most of us become wiser and more self-confident. Our tastes change and so do our priorities. It's this capacity to change that makes it possible to be happy with the same person for 70 years. And when both partners change and grow together, it can be a life-enriching experience.

But change can also a little scary. We may fear that our partner is growing away from us. For a time it may seem we have less in common, that we don't know them as well as we thought. But even if your dreams are off course for a while, it doesn't mean they won't come together again in the future.

Talking together

The most important thing is to share the same personal values and priorities in life with your partner. And when couples talk about their underlying motivations and needs, they often discover that they do.

For example: If you want to abseil down Mount Kilimanjaro and your partner wants to write science fiction, you both want to satisfy a personal need to accomplish something that takes stamina, perseverance and skill.

Or if your partner wants to work as much overtime as possible while you want to have more time at home, underneath you may both believe that the children come first and want to do what you can to provide for them.

Practical exercise

If your goals in life seem to be worlds apart, don't give up yet. Sit down together and identify what need within you that goal is going to satisfy. You may well find that your goals are the same as your partner's - it's just the paths that are different. Have a look at Your hopes and dreams to find out more.