Drink at Work

5 questions with a Fake Rockstar on the Universal/UClick Editors Blog

2009-11-14T11:00:00.001-05:00

My first serious interview with straight, serious answers. Ever.

5 Questions with FRS

Things We Could Forgive John Cusack (i.e. Almost Anything)

2009-11-13T09:45:00.006-05:00

With the release of 2012 today, one can't help but reflect upon the career of John Cusack and ask herself one simple question: why do I keep forgiving him these ills?

I think it can be argued that we love John Cusack most transcendentally for his performances in the boutique sub-genre of socially-awkward romantic comedies. But a quick glance at his IMDB page is a harsh reminder that it's been 9 years since High Fidelity. I'm not saying he hasn't made good — or at least entertaining — movies since then, but he certainly hasn't made one of those signature, if-only-my-boyfriend-were-so-handsomely-troubled movies in a while.

In the time since Rob Gordon, Cusack has also made a lot of sentimental pap at which any self-respecting geek-girl would flare her nostrils: Must Love Dogs, America's Sweethearts, Serendipity to name, well, all of them. And then there's the mildly entertaining horrory, thrillery flicks like Identity and 1408...enjoyable, but Lloyd Dobbler enjoyable? No.

The surprising fact is that when you actually look at John Cusack's filmography, the iconic Cusack characters are actually few and far between. Surrounding them are lowest of the lows such as Con Air, and artful masterworks such as Being John Malkovich and Bullets Over Broadway.

So, finally, it has occured to me that this "John Cusack" in my head isn't really the sum of his career at all. He doesn't quite get the credit he deserves for the more artistic work he's done, and he remains bulletproof in the face of impending box office bonanza doomsday devices like 2012. All in all...it must be frustrating to be John Cusack. Or it must be singularly wonderful. I'm not sure which.

At any rate, my assessment is that John Cusack can do anything and I — and you — will still love him. To that end, here are a few things he could get away with and still be forgiven:

Campaigning for Sarah Palin
Forming a karaoke supergroup with Ryan Phillipe, Tom Cruise and Diablo Cody
Telling Jeremy Piven that no one remembers he's actually bald
Deciding that his true passion is marketing
Recording his first — and second — albums
Marrying one of the Real Housewives
Writing a volume of Twilight-inspired poetry
Twittering (or tweeting)
Calling Maya Angelou a hack
Touting the validity of Intelligent Design
Peeing in the White House fruit and vegetable garden
Making America's Sweethearts 2
Becoming the new G Star Raw Icon
Playing opposite Cindy Crawford in Another Fair Game
Owning the entire Creed catalog
~~Having sex with Ann Coulter~~

And so we have it. It would take a ride on the Coulter to destroy John Cusack for me. I guess we all have lines in the sand. Incidentally, I'm pretty sure sand is exactly what the inside of her vagina feels like.

But I love John Cusack. For real, though.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

Large Particle Collider finally set to launch

2009-11-12T15:00:00.001-05:00

Scientists at the LARGE PARTICLE COLLIDER have announced that the 17 mile long, magnetically charged tube is ready to launch any sufficiently bulky objects down the accelerator, toward impact with one another.

Theoretical Geophysicists around the globe are especially interested to see the results of what the fuck happens when you fling two rocks at each other near the speed of light.

"It probably rules," said Professor Henri Calet, lead researcher at the renowned Ecole Destruction Massif in Paris, "But we must verify the theory as an experimental reality before we can come out with such bold announcements."

Rocks will be the first large particles sent hurtling toward one another, but certainly not the last. Day 2 of the machine's operational slate includes the colliding of delicate vases, Monster Trucks, and dead bodies.

"My whole career has been leading up to this," commented Dr. Alan Tisch, an experimental mortician and co-chair of the Creative Anatomy Program at CalTech in Pasadena, CA. "Because of funding, at the university level there's really only so much you can do. I've flung corpses together at the speed of sound and once at the equivalent to Mach 5. Except for the massive international effort which resulted in the LPC though, we may never have known what happens when two dead guys smash together at near the speed of light. I hope it's gonna be sweet."

What Megan Fox Can Do to Make Women Like Her More

2009-11-12T10:03:00.011-05:00

There's an interesting column about Megan Fox on Jezebel (which is itself about an article in the New York Times Magazine). In it, the writer ponders the concern Fox's team has about her appeal with women, and offers a few explanations as to why that appeal may be non-existent.

But there's really no mystery here. The plot goes like this:

Women have a tendency to devalue themselves.
Women have a tendency to dislike other women who don't seem to devalue themselves.
Megan Fox is a sex symbol.
Megan Fox uses almost every chance she gets to say women hate her because she's a sex symbol.

What's confusing? If it walks like the girl you hated in high school and it talks like the girl you hated in high school and its claim to fame is the Transformers franchise, why should you waste your money on movie tickets when acrimony is both cheap and fun?

I also think the notion that women hate her simply because they think of her as a slut — Fox's assertion — is misguided. For example, I do not like Megan Fox and I know exactly 3 things about her: 1) she's attractive, 2) she's famous, 3) she's in a long-term relationship with Brian Austin Green.

Now, I'm of the ilk that there are too many people in this world to like everyone until they give you a reason not to; so instead, I dislike everyone until they give me a reason not to. It's more efficient. Megan Fox hasn't given me a reason to like her; whether she's a slut or not doesn't enter into it. And I'll bet that there are more people who are governed by a similar principle than are willing to admit it.

If finding someone sexually attractive is enough to make you "like" them, then what's confusing about most men liking Megan Fox and most women not liking Megan Fox?

Fox digs her own grave when she addresses this, too. You can't turn a woman around by calling her jealous. And her team's idea of letting people know what a regular gal she is is laughable. Telling me her favorite place to eat is Red Lobster because she likes the cheese rolls isn't exactly the same thing as saying she's giving up acting for a year to join the Peace Corps. You know how you make people value you for more than your looks? Be valuable. Or at least be sympathetic. Megan Fox is neither right now.

To that end, I have a few suggestions that may help give Megan Fox more appeal to women:

Get a disease and recover, but have it be a withering enough experience that you have to go the character actress route.
Marry Brian Austin Green. You seem kind of like an idiot for dating the latter-day Corey Haim-esque character from 90210, but if you marry him it will seem like career suicide and, thus, true love.
Get pregnant, have a C-section, then do a nude photo shoot. Men will be grossed out, but women will say you're brave.
Find a way to shave Ann Coulter's head on national television.
Start a victory garden.
Steal a car and give it to a child with cancer.
Lose a foot.
Remake — and star in — Ice Castles. I just think its time has come.
Get really, super into making jam and talk about it all the time.
Run for congress, win, propose a healthcare plan that includes abortion rights.

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. Any other ideas are welcome. I'll make sure to forward them to Team Fox.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

THE BEST "STAR HUSTLER" (now "Star Gazer") PARODY YOU WILL EVER SEE

2009-11-11T12:00:00.003-05:00

And probably the only. Well, ok it's not. I just googled "STAR HUSTLER" PARODY and found one other on youtube. But that is IT. Just the one. And to be fair, ours is much better. Although technically, it's probably more of a satire than a parody.

I refuse to accept the new name Star Gazer. JE REFUSE!

Welcome to "Starry Starry Guy" ep. 1

This is the unofficial nonsense companion to the successful Jack Horkheimer PBS series of late night interstitials, "The Star Hustler," which both Dan Bialek and I grew up watching.

About 7 years ago we shot this in front of a giant green screen a warehouse in L.A. we snuck into. But then we got distracted for seven years and forgot to edit it. I finally did. Yesterday. There are three of these so far. They get really dark. Too dark maybe but maybe not. But they're also really funny. Not too funny. "Just right" funny.

Here's the deal: In our Starry Starry Guy, Telescope Tim relays absurd non-facts while also slowly being undermined by his graphics department in later episodes. That's all that happens. None are longer than a minute or two and if you even know what this is an homage to, you ahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifre a giant nerd. Bless you.

Enjoy, Hork-dorks!

And if you're looking for the real Jack, here's his weekly installment of the Star Gazer series (ok, I stopped refusing) done in conjunction with the Miami Museum of Science.

Rhode Island Governor Makes Late Bid for Biggest Asshat in America Prize

2009-11-11T09:43:00.006-05:00

Generally speaking, the best argument in favor of gay marriage is that it is, quite simply, a 14th Amendment issue. Gay people are deserving of equal protection under the law, i.e. the same rights as anyone else. A lot of socially-conservative people won't even argue that they don't want gay people to have mostly equal rights, they just don't like the marriage part. Now, that's not good enough for those of us on the other side of the argument, but at least there's room for discussion.

But here's a case of an elected official saying broadly, No, I don't think gay people should have equal rights. How seriously do I take that? I do not even want them to have the right to bury each other.

Seriously. Rhode Island Governor, Don Carcieri just vetoed legislation that would allow same sex couples the right to plan the funerals of their late partners.

By now, it should really be second-nature: don't do anything — especially in public — that would make you the villain in a Lifetime Original Movie.

Picture it:

Valerie Bertinelli is Rhode Island former housewife, Marvel, who has lived through a divorce, a brief addiction to painkillers and the housing market crash (she had been a real estate broker in her post-divorce second life...a good one). Now she's somehow stumbled on a third life, the best one yet, living in the extra, well-appointed room, over the garage of the charming colonial her gay oldest son and his partner have shared for the last 10 years. They are a modern family; it doesn't look like your family, but it works. Marvel has found a new job as a medical transcriptionist for a feisty health insurance co-op clinic, and in her spare time she cans fresh vegetables from the boys' modest, backyard organic garden.

But just when Marvel thinks she will live out the rest of her days in peace, eating spectacular omelets prepared in sparkling cookware, tragedy strikes. Travis, her son Jake's partner and dearest love, is struck down in his prime by a befuddled parking garage attendant (played in stunning old-man makeup by Bill Pullman) who was trying to move a Hummer out of three compact car parking spots. Travis is killed instantly.

And here's where things get bad. Travis has no other family than Jake and Marvel. His family disowned him years ago...not because he was gay, but because he refused to go into the family canning business, a cruel irony that Marvel learned too late. Jake attempts to retrieve his beloved's remains from the hospital, only to find Rhode Island governor Don Carcieri standing in the doorway of the hospital. He will he not allow Jake to bury Travis, because, in his words, "What's next? Will a man want to bury a dog?" But not only that, he proposes to send Travis' body back to Virginia, to be canned and buried next to his biological relatives.

The Golden Globe-winning moment comes when Marvel, tear-streaked but still fabulous, pronounces in front of a crowd of supporters who have gathered in the hospital parking lot, "You can can my son-in-law, but you can't can the fact that he is part of my family!" Joe Don Baker (Mitchell), in a star-returning turn as the pig-eyed Governor Carcieri, literally explodes with shame.

The End.

Remember, Governors: the media may forget, voters may forget, even God may forget. But the Lifetime network will NEVER forget. When you veto a citizen's right to BURY A LOVED ONE, you're not standing up for "natural marriage." You're winning the award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Pornographic Asshattery. Your certificate is in the mail.

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

Join the Fake RockMos!

2009-11-10T17:55:00.004-05:00

It's Movember, that wonderful month President Obama added to the calendar because we all needed some time to stay drunk and live with wild dogs!

Not really. Well, maybe a little bit... Look, what I do in my own time is my deal.

ANYWAY, it really is Movember, a time when men all over the world use the fight against cancer as an excuse to grow a creative mustache, or as they say in Australia, a "Mo".

I swear to Michael Jackson's Elephant Man's room that this is a real thing.

And as luck would have it, this year, Drink at Worker and near self-contained insane asylum, Corey "Fake Rockstar" Pandolph is an official participant! We, at the DAW offices are proud supporters of any good cause – even if does involve a strange man trying to look like an out-of-work Pornstar-Private-Investigator – And we urge you to donate, or join Corey's team, The Fake RockMos (Super original name, there, FRS...).

Checkout Corey's Mo progress and donate: Fake RockMos of Movember

Go. Give. Feel good. Like you have better things to do with your stimulus package.

Don't answer that.

HUGS!

- Your Drink at Work Bartenders

Our Entry into the Doritos Crash the Super Bowl Contest

2009-11-10T15:13:00.005-05:00

Guys, we spent a lot of time and money on this, so I really hope you like it.

Replaced by Shark at Work

Misfortune Cookies

2009-11-10T13:22:00.002-05:00

I've decided that if we can have citizen journalists, I am going to be a citizen cop.

2009-11-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

I hereby revoke the parking tickets those other non-citizeny parking cops gave me.
Justice has been served.

10 Things For Which Militant Conservative Activists Are Responsible That I Just Made Up Right Now

2009-11-10T11:08:00.005-05:00

Did you know that the LGBT movement — all of them, including your ex- who just figured himself out — is considering acts of terrorism as a way of promoting their agenda? It's true. That true fact, which is entirely true and is in no way not true, was just made up by The Liberty Counsel, a conservative activist organization dedicated to advancing religious freedom by eliminating the freedom from religion for everyone who isn't religious.

But not only are gays planning terrorist attacks, they may have been involved in the shootings at Ft. Hood, if only metaphorically. According to Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel's Director of Cultural Affairs (only non-gay culture, presumably), gays and Islamic terrorists are practically the same thing:

In the wake of the horrific act of Islamic domestic terrorism at Fort Hood Texas, it has been learned that militant homosexual activists recently made similar online postings to those of Nidal Malik Hasan, threatening additional acts of terrorism against Christians...

Folks, this is true. These are true things being said by people who know a thing or to about what's true. You have been warned. So the next time your gay co-worker comes in with several boxes of shoes from DSW, you better check them for that flammable water you can't take on the plane.

In honor of The Liberty Counsel's ability to look up at the clear blue sky and discover truths that no one knew were there — not even God — I have created a quick list of my own true facts that are entirely true because I say they are. Take heed, gentle readers. If we forget the past, we'll have to make it up on the spot...which is fine, too.

10 Things For Which Militant Conservative Activists
Are Responsible That I Just Made Up Right Now

1. The birds that flew into US Airways Flight 1549
A militant conservative activist judge was ministering to some gulls along the frigid waters near LaGuardia airport when he set them off by flapping his arms wildly in an effort to explain how they might get to heaven.

2. Bernie Madoff
In 1986, a militant conservative activist bagel cart operator bet Mr. Madoff "free coffee for life" that he couldn't financially destroy "that punk kid from Quicksilver."

3. Homosexuality
It's true. The first gay person was a militant conservative activist named Binxley. He bit another militant conservative activist named Gerald, and so on and so forth...

4. Building 7
The less said about this the better.

5. Kathie Lee & Hoda
Militant conservative activists strategically placed at the highest levels in NBC's executive branch, conspired to destroy America's strategic alliances with the middle east by using the fourth hour of the Today Show as a cautionary tale on the dangers of "letting women run riot."

6. Climate Change
Militant conservative activists release more CO2 in the air than cows. We've known that for decades obviously, but in 1994 militant conservative activists found a way to multiply that energy and use it to power automobiles so large they can't be detected with the human eye.

7. The Opium Trade
Militant conservative activists love poppies. They can't get enough of them. They consider the rampant opium crisis an acceptable, if undignified by-product of their lavish enjoyment of "those pretty, happy flowers."

8. The Death of George C. Scott
Militant conservative activists hate gravely voices. They had been trying to kill George C. Scott for years but he kept eating them. Finally, a weak-elbowed militant conservative activist by the name of Chester snuck into Scott's house one night and smothered him with "all the pillows he could summon." A militant conservative activist EMT ruled Scott's death "natural."

9. All Neurological Disorders
Militant conservative activists have been attacking the brain for years. Doctors have yet to find a cause — much less a cure — other than "persnickitiness."

10. Obama
Sadly, militant conservative activists' gamble backfired on this one. Theorizing that all black people would return to the space ship that "done brought them here" if one of them were elected president, militant conservative activists invented moveon.org, Rachel Maddow and poor-people-who-vote specifically for the purpose of placing Barack Obama in office. When you see a militant conservative activist watching the sky, know that they still wait in vain.

Canned Pumpkin Warns of DOOM

2009-11-10T10:18:00.002-05:00

Aren't we all, Price Chopper Canned Pumpkin, aren't we all...

10 uses for Christmas Lights

2009-11-09T22:09:00.004-05:00

1. Gift wrap around the lame picture frame you brought to the office party.
2. Hide them under the sheets and while seducing your spouse, plug them in and claim it's the "glow of electric sex."
3. A pretty, pretty noose.
4. Sprucing up the homeless.
5. An emergency flashlight substitute... "Quick! Everyone wrap yourselves in these and follow me through the flood!"
6. Christmas.
7. Substitute for lighters at the last-ever Aerosmith concert (Caution: topical joke)
8. Forcefully illuminating Glenn Beck's colon.
9. Xmas rave!
10. Find an empty field, get a hundred thousand lights and enjoy a fun evening of redirecting airline traffic.

Fake Rockstar is back, BITCHES.

-FRS

Remember instead of calling it @MACBETH, refer to it as the Scottish Tweet.

2009-11-09T12:03:00.002-05:00

Oh. Woops.

I'd feel a lot better about religious proselytizers if they weren't primarily Christian.

2009-11-09T10:38:00.004-05:00

If, say, just one fundamentalist religious Native American had come up to me at any point in my adult life and said something like, "Excuse me, sir. Have you heard the good news? About the Great Eagle? She will fly your immortal soul to the Sky Father where you will return to your original totem animal form and eat and play all day forever. All you need to do is accept the Great Eagle into your heart, " I might be more inclined to not knock the armful of pocket Bibles and free gum out of the arms of the guy who approached me this morning.

Great lines left out of original "Terminator"

2009-11-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

REESE: "Hey stupid face! Yeah, you robot head. I hope you eat rusty cakes in H E DOUBLE FUCK YOU!"

Fires baseball T-shirt cannon.

Question: If you could only take one Agribusiness to a desert island with you, which would it be?

2009-11-06T14:27:00.002-05:00

Does it rhyme with Donsanto?

A Quick Moment With Carol

2009-11-06T14:10:00.001-05:00

Is it wrong if I'm kind of hoping something bad happens to Lady Gaga just so I can tweet something about all the "freak flags flying at half staff"?

xoxo,
Carol

"Wake Up World" Returns to the Green Room

2009-11-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

America's only 6 Hour Morning Show "Wake Up World" returns to 45 Bleecker with a very special Christmas Show. You don't wanna miss Hope and Davis' holiday gift giving tips and inepth infonewsment and up to the minute news with Emily Rackcheck.

And if I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure Daniels Midland will be making an appearance with helpful tips on how you can better deal with the ________ crisis.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: COMMUNITY

2009-11-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

This week I signed up for ABUSE FROM A FRIEND 101 when I asked Donald Glover, star of "Community," to help me out with my weekly Television Without Pity video. Apparently, he's very sensitive to the fact that I have a unique appreciation for more arcane expressions and manners of speech. No need to worry though. We're still the best of friends. Sure, he doesn't return my calls...but neither do my parents. All I'm saying is, let's not read too much into his silence.

Fenchurch is REPOWERING America

2009-11-05T16:04:00.003-05:00

See if you can find Drink At Work's eco-conscious puppy on the RePower America site. And if you can't...you may need to RePower your eyes cause she's right there. On the right. See? That's her.

We really shouldn't have even posed this as a challenge.

Our collective bads.

Ten Worst Ways To Be Killed

2009-11-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

1. By Kindness

2. By someone else's obesity

3. Literal Heartburn

4. By Advanced Aliens Who Also Happen To Be Proselytizing Born-Again Christians

5. Sharp rock to the junk

6. By cats, lots and lots of cats

7. pwn3d

8. Eaten by ravenous hippies at a Phish concert

9. By cinematographer Tak Fujimoto and his Camera of Doom!

10. As you slowly watch your life and work come to meaninglessness because you shat your time away by updating a comedy website that had some pretty good traffic but not enough to make it fiscally worthwhile.