Drink at Work

Fake Rockstar's Guide to why we hate you

2009-07-10T10:29:00.002-04:00

1. You think composting your Pizza Hut boxes make you "green".

2. You brag about your "$50/week Starbucks habit" to someone who just explained how they now have to live in a refrigerator box.

3. You take a cartoonist/comedy writer named "Fake Rockstar" seriously.

Happy Friday, bitches,

-FRS

MISFORTUNE COOKIES

2009-07-10T10:00:00.001-04:00

WHERE THE WILD THINGS SPEEDWALK

2009-07-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

The Central Park ecosystem contains a unique and fertile sampling of all God’s creatures — as well as evidence that on occasion, he *really* screwed up.

There are many amazing creatures in the world: some majestic, some terrifying, and some just downright annoying. But there is no creature that combines all three as splendidly as the Central Park recreational athlete. Whether on foot or on wheels, the day traders, lawyers, and “independently” wealthy health nuts that roam the park’s six-mile perimeter are pound for pound the most unpleasant beasts ever to have evolved in our city. The ecological niche they occupy would already have been filled by the common roach, but for the fact that Modell’s does not yet sell breathable fleece jumpers made to fit a prothorax. So if you should find yourself alone in the park one fine summer day, be sure to avoid any of the following manimals. Your safety — or at least your peace of mind — may depend on it.

The Rapidestrian, or “Speedwalker”
GROUPING TERM: Embarrassment
As in, “An Embarrassment of Speedwalkers”

First thought extinct in the 1980s due to over-shaming, scientists from the Rapidestrian Preservation Society recently got close enough...

Click here to read the rest of this article at its home, CITY SCOOPS, also available in the print magazine.

MISFORTUNE COOKIES

2009-07-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

DRINKING IN L.A. — THE KING IS DEAD

2009-07-09T09:19:00.002-04:00

This week, it's off to the Michael Jackson memorial! Well... close to there, anyway.

I'm Only a Man: Lucky

2009-07-08T12:05:00.007-04:00

I'm exactly like Clint Eastwood in every possible way.

First of all, his real name is Clinton Eastwood Jr. My dad's name is Charles Ray Hartsell, and my name is Carol Ray Hartsell. Everyone knows that Carol is the feminine version of Charles...the feminine version being less patriarchal and racist (women didn't technically own slaves because women didn't particularly own any property back in the day). So that makes me a Jr., just like Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood has received four Academy Awards, five Golden Globes and five People's Choice Awards. Similarly, I won two Who's Who awards in high school: Most Unique and Most Likely to Succeed. I don't think anyone in their right mind would argue that Clint Eastwood isn't unique. And successful? Yeah, I'd say that displaying equal facility with comedy (as in Every Which Way but Loose), romance (The Bridges of Madison County) and the dramatic chick flick (Million Dollar Baby) adds up to being pretty successful, wouldn't you?

Clint Eastwood was the mayor of Carmel-by-the-Sea in California. My dad, Carol Ray Hartsell Sr., was the mayor of The City of Tarrant in Alabama. If a terrorist attack had killed every member of the city council as well as everyone in my family except me because I happened to be playing in the concrete-reinforced sewer pipe in my neighbor's backyard, I might have been called upon to assume the role of mayor for a week or two until a suitable replacement, possibly Clovis of Clovis's T-Shirt Shop, was elected...just like Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood was born in San Francisco, California, a town I have visited more than once. He has English, Scottish, Dutch and Irish ancestry. I, too, am very, very, very white with an affinity for colonialism.

Eastwood previously worked as a gas station attendant, a fireman and a piano player. He was drafted into the Army during the Korean War, but never went to Korea. I have also failed at all of my previous jobs, and while I have never been drafted into the army, I've always felt that I could have been.

Clint Eastwood once described his character Rowdy Yates from Rawhide as "the idiot of the plains." In sixth grade, Ross Jacobs described my breasts as being very much like "the great plains."

When Sergio Leone hired Clint Eastwood to play the Man With No Name in Fist Full of Dollars, Eastwood created the look of the character by purchasing the black jeans, the hat and the black cigars from various shops around Hollywood. When I had to recreate a scene from Macbeth on videotape for Ms. Pitchford's 10th grade honor's English class, I bought the severed arm we used in the climactic battle scene from Spencer's gifts.

In 1974, Eastwood teamed up with Jeff Bridges in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. In 1974, I teamed up with Jeff Bridges on earth. The results in both cases: electrifying.

I would give more examples, but I'm sure by now we're all agreed that no more are necessary. But let us to the point.

What is it that drives both myself and Clint Eastwood to be the living, breathing, scorching examples of free will that we are? What makes Clint and I so very here and now? One might look to our wanderer's nature. Our penchant for looking across the valley to the crest of the far-off mountain and saying, "Yes. There must go I." Others might site our complicatedness; our equal willingness to look at our fellow man and say, "If you don't get it, piss off." Still others might consider our close personal relationship with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi as the root of our shared singularity.

But the truth is, gentle reader, that one might ponder Clint's and myself's self-actualizedness to the ends of time and still not come up with a full and satisfying answer. What I would impress upon you instead is to look inward. Ask yourself how you can find your own personal Clint or Carol somewhere within that very vessel that also sees fit to house the you that you've come to know so very not well.

In closing, let me put this one last thought out to the universe (and by universe I mean the world that Clint Eastwood and I have enjoyed calling home for a combined 113 years). Mr. Eastwood...Clint...brother in all things: Can my dad have a tee time at Teháma Golf Club? He'll kick your ass.

Acknowledgements: This post would not have been possible with out Wikipedia.

MISFORTUNE COOKIES

2009-07-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

DRINKING IN L.A. EXTRA: VIDEO POSTCARD

2009-07-07T16:10:00.003-04:00

A message from Ned on how things have been going out west, as featured on the July 6 FindTheFunny show at the Bowery Electric in NYC.

Viral, under duress

2009-07-07T07:34:00.006-04:00

It's just all too much, this YouTuberant society. What with the eyePhones allowing video editing and uploads, dogs and cats with blogs and wannabe celebs posting film of their hissy fits over the latest American Idol winner. Things weren't always like this.

My comedy roots started with stacks of sketchpads and notebooks, carried in my Transformers (the TV show, kids) Trapper-Keeper, complete with new-fangled velcro enclosures. Then came the calculator craze, spelling "BOOBS" and "SHELLOIL" on the screen, garnishing amazement and applause from throngs of 11 year-old idiots.

After that, I lost count. It's been a virtual blur of made-up words, skinny people complaining how unfair it is that they only made $80,000 last year from their viral gossip blog, with 16 year-olds claiming ultra-celeb status because they have 5000 follows on Facebook.

And now, we all have to make videos. No more, is a pretty screen filled with paragraphs of funny acceptable to the Tweeted masses. "We have no time to read!" They say. "Tell us through YouTube, so I can watch it in line at Starbucks and post it to my FB page, while Tweeting it to my 32,785 follows.

So, in an effort to keep up with the soulless Joneses, I present this week's column, in handy streaming video format. I really hate the sound of my own voice.

Please Retweet.

GUH.

Corey "FRS" Pandolph writes and draws the Internationally syndicated comic strip, T he Elderberries for Universal Press Syndicate, as well as the three webcomics, Barkeater Lake, TOBY, Robot Satan and Greene With Envy. Check out his blog at Fake Rockstar.com for additional Ridicularity™

Fake Rockstar's guide to why we hate you

2009-07-06T18:13:00.002-04:00

You continue to shoot off bottle rockets while screaming, "America, Fuck Yeah!" at 1am.

We understand that "This is America, Jack", but it's also July 6th, Cleetus.

Words, lies and all the Molson Canadian one Italian can handle,

-FRS

A Wealthy People's History of the United States: Higgenbottom's Early Years

2009-07-06T16:51:00.005-04:00

THE YEARS ASCENDANT

Many letters written from Jonas to his parents and friends exist, but the most rife with insight into his personality are surely those that came during his formative years at the boarding school, St. Giles School For Male Youth, located in the brutal pastoral country of New Rotterdam, New Hampshire. The school is, incidentally, still standing and continues to produce a startlingly high percentage of our nation’s leaders, including the last 15 presidents, over 2/3rds of the current sitting Senate, and nine of nine of our Supreme Court Justices. Below is a small sampling of these letters, transcribed from Jonas’ handwritten journals. He once remarked sadly that he felt as if he were “born with the wits of an adult but the body of a small adult, or an infant if you will.” Truer words have never been spoken. We are positive that his keen intellect will become, after reading these treasured letters, immediately apparent to anyone who is not stupid.
----------------------------------------------

A LETTER FROM JONAS TO HIS MOTHER,
ERNESTINE RAY HIGGENBOTTOM

Dearest Mother,

I trust this note finds you in good health. I suggest you take a moment to top off your nightly dram of gin, as I have most ominous news to relate.

You may recall, fourteen letters ago, in footnote twelve, that I was beginning to suspect that I might indeed have a nemesis, as all Great Men do in the course of their lives. And you may recall, seven letters ago, in chapter two, that I was certain I would be named the youngest-ever Captain of the Saint Giles varsity crew. Well, Mother, I was wrong on both counts.

Firstly, with regard to the crew. While dominating the earliest regattas of the fall and earning the accolades of all present, I was stricken with a sudden and unexpected emptiness after vanquishing the St. George's squad. It is an emptiness unlike any I have ever encountered, and I think it fit to capitalize the "E" henceforth. Please permit me at least this amount of poetry.

I digress. As I was saying, at the finish of the singles "sculling," my chums held me high - with no shortage of "huzzahs" and "whoops" and "hollers," I might add - but while my body strode Heaven-ward, no amount of lifting could raise my soul. The Emptiness in my heart was simply un-bearable, and I quit the crew mid-way through the 8-man race that closed the day, rolling sideways into the Charles River at the turn and remaining submerged for ten minutes, alone with my thoughts and very pleased I had taken up holding my breath as an occasional pass-time two summers ago in Nanutcket.

As for the issue of my nemesis, my error was one of magnitude - as I learned that I am not to be blessed with a single nemesis - no, Mother, I found that I am surrounded by nemeses! Seven to be exact! Silly boys with little understanding of the value of Practical Arts and Honest Living. It would be sufficiently galling if these children - and, oh, they are children indeed - simply idled away their time rolling hoops and roughhousing on the fine New Hampshire grass, leaving a young man such as I to his own dark musings. Nay! These children cannot leave well enough alone! I will spare you the details of their hazings, but do thank Wilhouse, our trusty butler, for schooling me well in the un-tying of knots and the picking of even the most complex locks, despite your sternest protests!

Mother, please accept my apologies, as I am growing weary and this is not likely to be another ten thousand word missive, as is generally my custom. The Emptiness is weighing my pen down most heavily tonight, so I shall simply bid you adieu.

Stay strong, Mother. I hope this letter did not trouble you greatly. Remember, the mass of men are weak, but I trust that we shall prevail, in whatever endeavour we choose for me.

Fondly,
JH

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 115 - DeWitt, Danis, O'Neill

2009-07-04T10:53:00.000-04:00

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 115 - DeWitt, Danis, O'Neill

This episode of the Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe podcast was hosted by Dan Bialek and features the following segments:

Medieval Adventure Friends With Some Fantasy Elements with Andrew DeWitt

Puerto Rican Time Travel with Jeff Danis & Ryan O'Neill

In this episode Chicago comedian Andrew DeWitt recounts the time as a 9-year-old when he created the gayest, most unintentionally gay, character in the history of Dungeons & Dragons. Newcomers to the podcast (and DudesInBed.com veterans) comedians Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill hold the longest discussion in the history of the internet about hardcore amateur pornography. It's one not to be missed.

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 16 - FOUR OUT OF FIVE

2009-07-04T10:50:00.000-04:00

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 16 - FOUR OUT OF FIVE

In this video Dan Bialek comes as close as he ever comes to winning an argument with Boon Shakalaka. But Boon ain't having it.

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 114 - Newberg, Taylor, Shaffir

2009-07-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 114 - Newberg, Taylor, Shaffir

This episode of the Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe podcast was hosted by Dan Bialek and features the following segments:

Hate This Song with J. Chris Newberg

State Of The Union with David Taylor

Pushing And Pulling with Ari Shaffir

In this episode comedian/musician J. Chris Newberg is nearly ripped in half, live on the air, by a pit bull while serving subpoenas in a rough Flint, Michigan neighborhood. Deadpan comedian David Taylor is lured back into his failing relationship by a phone call from his true ~~love~~ like. And Jewish, recently-divorced, large-testicled comedian Ari Shaffir uses his new segment to detail his quest to stop masturbating.

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 15 - EGGS IN A CAR

2009-07-03T09:56:00.000-04:00

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 15 - EGGS IN A CAR

Dan and Boon Shakalaka discuss Boon's independent film career.

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 113 - Dominguez, Wood, Hess

2009-07-02T10:44:00.000-04:00

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 113 - Dominguez, Wood, Hess

This episode of the Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe podcast was hosted by Dan Bialek and features the following segments:

The Anarchist's Dilemma with Dan Dominguez

Shout Out To My Tweeps with Alysia Wood

Ask A Guy With Terrific Hair with Karl Hess

In this episode would-be anarchist/often-is comedian Dan Dominguez gives tips for successfully searching for and arranging sex with strangers for you and your spouse on AdultFriendFinder.com. Host Dan Bialek yells and swears at him for doing so. Later comedian Alysia Wood debuts her new segment highlighting her friend's comedic musings and drunken rantings on Twitter.com. And closing out the show we check in with comedian Karl Hess to discuss the history and upkeep of his perfectly coifed comedy 'fro.

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 14 - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

2009-07-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 14 - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

Boon Shakalaka gets all deep and existential. Sort of.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: NYC PREP

2009-07-02T10:00:00.002-04:00

Privileged Manhattan kids say the cocainiest things!

THE NEW & IMPROVED DRINKING IN L.A.

2009-07-02T09:26:00.008-04:00

Huzzah! Today's the day our "Drinking in L.A." column relaunches as a video series! Because reading is hard!

In our first installment, I take a look into where my time in Los Angeles has put me on the douche bag scale. Enjoy!

A Quick Moment With Carol

2009-07-01T17:23:00.002-04:00

Horizon Organic — that dairy brand with the smiling cows on it that you buy once a month to feel like you did your part — is coming out with a new line of products that will be labeled "Natural" instead of organic. In other words, Horizon Organic is coming out with a new line of Non-Organic products. They went with "Natural" as the name of the line, because they thought "Fucked" was a little too on the nose.

xoxo,
Carol

Beware, those that watch your Tweets

2009-07-01T15:45:00.005-04:00

Earlier today, I Twitted... Tweeted... Twatted? This:

Then, about an hour ago, I received this:

Sorry, I actually met my wife before the magic of arranged Internet coupling. Still a nice gesture, however creepy it may be.

I can't even make jokes on the Internet, now.

-FRS

Follow Fake_Rockstar and Drink at Work on Twitter. We'll pretty much leave you alone. Pretty much.

UPDATE: Just found this Tweeter:

How come when I tweet about Jennifer Connelly, free beer and money, I get nothing. Hell, I can't even get answers from @carolrhartsell.

But scary dating sites? I'm all up in that creep.

Fake Rockstar's Guide to why we hate you

2009-07-01T13:53:00.004-04:00

You're a perky Twenty-something with pink lips and red-rimmed eyes, driving a purple Scion at 92 MPH, while texting your BFFs on your rhinestone-studded "Sidekick" and merging into traffic at will.

Later in the month, you'll keep us all waiting in traffic court as you spend 25 minutes "arguing" with your eyelashes and exposed cleavage your side of causing a 34 car pile up.

You subsequently try and sue the city for the 85 "valuable" Twitter followers lost during your time in court.

Words and lies,

-FRS

Comic of the Week: Livia Scott

2009-07-01T11:05:00.010-04:00

It is generally agreed that great actors have the unique ability to lose themselves in a role. Comparatively, comedians have a slightly more daunting task. When they take the stage, they are purporting to be a real, albeit unusually funny, person. To do that, they must 1) know who they are, 2) be confident in who they are, 3) lose themselves in their character, i.e. who they really are, and 4) act like none of that took any work whatsoever. There's more to be said about that in another post.

What I have always admired about Livia Scott as a solo performer (I'm also a great fan of her previous sketch work with Meat and Dirty Jeans & Thunderchief) is that she deftly handles the sometimes conflicting roles of actor and comedian within the same set. During a live performance, Livia will sometimes drift from character to character, inhabiting them fully as they come and go, occasionally returning to Livia herself to talk directly to the audience or introduce the next bit. She creates a sense of trust and purpose in performances that might otherwise seem like layer upon layer of artifice. She brings humor to characters we might find despicable, giving them a shade of dignity...the dignity of the shameless, perhaps, but dignity nonetheless. And very often the ultimate comment is about why it is that we find these characters so compelling.

I've chosen Livia as the subject for the re-launch DAW's Comic of the Week because she's working on a new project that I'm really enjoying. She's making one video a day — one character a day — for an entire year. Each week has a theme: Week 1 was The Real Housewives of New Jersey. You can imagine the fun. Better yet: don't imagine it, just watch the videos.

WEEK 1 INTRODUCTION

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY: CAROLINE

You can follow Livia's project at her YouTube page Live and Let Livia. You can also follow her on Twitter and friend her on Facebook. But don't be all creepy about it, ok?

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 112 - Holmes, Ellis, Crespo, Stout

2009-07-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe - Episode 112 - Holmes, Ellis, Crespo, Stout

This episode of the Robot Werewolf Ninja Deluxe podcast was hosted by Dan Bialek and features the following segments:

This Day In History with Mike Holmes

Chain Restaurant Food Reviews with Mark Ellis

Sean Crespo's New York Minute with Sean Crespo

Better, Smarter, Faster with Ryan Stout

In this episode comedian Mike Holmes details the very special occurrences in a church in Liverpool, England in 1956. Then things get spicy when resident (chain) foodie Mark Ellis discusses his new favorite fast food burrito. Gotham comedian Sean Crespo describes a strange case of racism as experienced in a mid-town FedEx/Kinko's. And teen idol/television personality Ryan Stout takes David Letterman to task after the late night funnyman calls for the rape and genital mutilation of her blind, crippled 11-month-old daughter Algebra Treebark.

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 13 - NAME CALLING

2009-07-01T07:37:00.001-04:00

DAN & BOON - EPISODE 13 - NAME CALLING

It turns out Boon Shakalaka actually isn’t homeless. Also, Boon calls Dan’s penis a “smashed cookie.”