I did it! I finished writing the sequel to my novel 5IVE SPEED. Thank you, thank you. It took a few months, but it was well worth it, and in time I think you’ll all agree. But unfortunately, we’re still not there.

Every book about writing that you read will tell you the same thing. Before writing the second draft, you should put the first draft aside for a while and get it out of your head. I’ve read the amount of time should be anywhere from two weeks to a couple months. The books will tell you to occupy yourself with something else in the meantime. Catch up on your reading; write some short stories; start on the next book.

Are you kiddin’ me?!

This is the toughest part of the novel writing process. The wait between the drafts. I’ve been living with the characters every day for the past few months (besides most of them being the same people from the original 5IVE SPEED). Every day. They have become a part of my life. We’ve had our ups and downs, and at times they’ve given me both bitter anguish and extreme joy. They’ve told me where they want to go; what they want to do; and forced me to my keyboard oftentimes when I simply didn’t want to. There have been moments I didn’t want to do my daily writing and a voice from outside said, “Get crackin’. This is for US!” And I did.

I can’t remember the name of the author who said something to the effect of “I like having written a novel.” I’m the exact same way. The process can be excruciating, but then not doing it is just as bad.

Right now, in my head, the sequel I wrote is perfect and I don’t need to change a word. You must also understand, I haven’t re-read it. I know what it’s like to do a second draft. It’s not as glamorous as it’s cracked up to be. There will be parts I’ll have to cut out that will kill me, but I’ll know they don’t advance the story. There will be parts I’ll have to add because sometimes what’s in my head at the time didn’t make it to the draft.

But that’s not for a few days. I have to clear my head of my best friends so I can return to them fresh. Those of you who are authors who read this know what I’m talking about and I look forward to your comments because I sure could use some commiseration.

I hate gardening, so that’s out. I don’t think I’m the type to knit.

I suppose I could blog more.

I was at a gathering not long ago and I was listening to a conversation going on nearby. The conversation I was having wasn’t very interesting so I kept talking while paying attention to the other people talking. I do that a lot. Some people call it ADD. I call it multi-tasking. Tomato tomahto.

Anyway, the young woman doing most of the talking was explaining her profession. She was an online marketing professional (as opposed to all of us online marketing amateurs), and part of her job was to make videos and such go “viral”. I thought this was an interesting statement, and so did the person she was informing. When he asked her, “How does one make something go viral?” she simply said, “There are ways.”

Really?

As many of you know, I’ve written a terrific and very funny novel called 5IVE SPEED and it’s done relatively well in the Kindle edition at $0.99 and the reviews have been spectacular. I have put a lot of effort into online marketing, and yet…it hasn’t gone viral.

The only way I know of anything going viral is by (1) a fluke or (2) a celebrity saw it and mentioned it somewhere. Now, I’ve tried to get Oprah to read 5IVE SPEED and I haven’t been able to get hold of her. I even wrote a blog to her previously in this very space, to no avail. So, the celebrity option (so far) hasn’t been fruitful.

That leaves me the ‘fluke’ road to viralness. Again, so far…no go. I just don’t have the Justin Bieberness in me, I guess. And although my name is Charley, I have not bitten anybody’s finger that would make three gazillion people want to see it on You Tube.

I’m guessing I’m going to have to depend on other bloggers, authors, and readers to tout 5IVE SPEED and get it the recognition it deserves the old fashioned way. So, I’m hoping that’s what you’ll do. Feel free to post this blog on your website, or mention it on Twitter, or post it on Facebook, or simply give me a little help with this. I sure could use it.

I’m very busy working on the sequel to 5IVE SPEED right now because of the amount of requests, and I will get that out as soon as possible. But until then…let’s get this viral.

I got the idea for this blog from another writer. He’s a suspense writer, but one of those with a great sense of humor. His name is Russell Blake and his blog is funny. And now I have just helped promote Russell Blake.

You see, he talks about “self-promotion” which can mean that you’re doing this thing solo. But you can’t. You need others to get the word out about whatever it is and they need to get the word out and on and on. He applies this to his self-published books, and from what he says, he’s enjoying success at it.

As many of you…but not enough of you…know, I have a self-published novel called 5IVE SPEED. The book is self-published and sales are picking up quickly. There are a few things to be taken into account. The first being that it’s a freakin’ hilarious novel. Read the reviews on Amazon and you’ll see. The second issue is that it is now priced at only $0.99 and I realized that seems too low, but my ego survives on volume of books sold and not on monetary gain. So, if you’re looking for great reading entertainment on your Kindle then you must drop a buck and buy the book.

That’s my part of self-promotion. That’s about all I can do. Sure, I Tweet about it and I Facebook about it and I’ve blogged about it, but let’s face it…that’s still relatively narrow exposure. “Self”-promotion can only go so far. What I’m looking for now is public-promotion. I can’t tell you how many people have told me personally that they read and loved the novel 5IVE SPEED on Kindle. So, I thanked them and asked them if they wrote a review on Amazon yet? More often than not, the answer is no. I mean, after all…that would take a good three minutes, and who’s got that kind of time when you have to take a picture of your lunch so you could get it up on Facebook for chrissakes (sorry…I’m just sooo sick of seeing pictures of food on Facebook). But you get my point. If people who read the book posted a small review on Amazon for me, that would be huge. That would be public-promotion!

Another question I ask these big fans of my book is if they’ve re-posted my blogs about it; or Tweeted about it with a link to the Amazon Kindle buying page, or mentioned it on Facebook with the same link. I think you know where I’m going with this. This would mean a huge burst for my sales and it takes the individual about a minute to do it for me. Where is the love, gang?!

No one can make it on self-promotion. I certainly can’t. And the question you may ask is, “Charley…do you do it for anyone else?” And the answer is, “Of course I do! I just did it for Russell Blake! Weren’t you reading?!

So please take it upon yourselves…all of you…to be my public-promotion machine. Self-promotion, like some other things that are done by yourself, could lead to blindness. At least that’s what my mother always told me.

If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band

-The Righteous Brothers

It was 1974 when the Righteous Brothers sang about rock and roll stars that were taken from us too soon. Clarence Clemons was added to the list last week. He was sixty-nine years old.

In 1974 if you were to ask me about someone dying when they were sixty-nine years old I would have shrugged my shoulders and said they lived a full life! Now that my rock icons are at that age, it’s all of a sudden ‘cut down in the prime of life’. Clarence Clemons died of a stroke. Old people die of strokes. Are my rock and roll idols old people?

Sure, Bob Dylan has passed seventy…and he just played concerts in Europe and Israel.

I guess what bothers me even more than my rock legends getting old, is that many of them are trying to deny it through the wonders of the plastic surgeon. You didn’t see it with Clarence. You don’t see it with Dylan. The majority of the greats are getting old and they’re pretty much okay with it. But I watched the finale of American Idol and I saw Tom Jones and wanted to shovel dirt on him myself because he was already embalmed. Smokey Robinson? How many years has it been since he’s blinked? Even the rumors of The Boss himself makes me wonder.

Something inside me wants to believe that had Janis Joplin lived, she would not have gone through the surgeries Cher has endured. I want to think she’d look the same but old, still rasping out beauty, and wouldn’t give a damn what she looked like. Jim Morrison would rejoice in his baldness and paunch belly, but could still make you shudder with certain notes. And Elvis? Well, some things even I can’t imagine.

In the Golden Age of Rock, when the music was what it was all about we didn’t care what the singer looked like. Take a look at Flo and Eddie of The Turtles, for chrissakes! It was the music. Just because we’re getting old doesn’t mean the music is dying. They should leave their looks alone. We don’t care about it.

In my novel, 5IVE SPEED, Donald Roth has to come face to face with his middle age and whether or not he’s ready to roll over and play dead. He grew up in that same rock era of Clarence Clemons, and Steely Dan, and The Beatles, and he realizes that maybe it’s not over yet. He’s older. But he’s not done.

That’s why 5IVE SPEED has made all age groups laugh out loud. No matter what your age…you don’t want to give up. The thing that made Clarence Clemons get out of a wheelchair to perform on stage with Lady Gaga is the same thing that makes Donald Roth give himself a second chance at life.

But for those of us in that era of what they now term “Classic Rock”, 5IVE SPEED holds a place close to our hearts. Because in this era where looks are everything and you gotta lift and tighten and tweak and botox, there are still some of us, both famous and ordinary, who are going to keep moving forward and show what we’ve been through just by the looks of us. That’s one of the reasons I lowered the Kindle and eReader price of 5IVE SPEED to $0.99

Because when it comes down to it, it’s about getting the message out to as many people as you can and who wouldn’t pay a buck to laugh a lot. I didn’t learn that from any business course.

That’s what rock and roll is all about.

I’ve decided to retire on the royalties I’ve made on my novel 5IVE SPEED. Okay, so retirement involves living in a refrigerator box. but fortunately in my neighborhood people are constantly doing renovations and I have found some very nice refrigerator boxes. It can’t be that bad, and at least that way when people ask, I can honestly say I write novels for a living. When a writer comes up with a statement like that, the listener always assumes financial success is attached to the declaration. Guilt by omission has never bothered me when it comes to people thinking more of me than I deserve.

I love my humorous novel, and so far I’ve only heard good things about it from people who have read it. Some who have praised it are not even family and friends. When you write a humor novel and people tell you they laughed out loud, it’s high praise indeed. Admittedly, a humor novel should make you laugh out loud, but seriously…how often has that happened to you? Christopher Moore makes me laugh out loud. David Foster Wallace has made me laugh out loud. If Charley Warady can make you laugh out loud with a novel like 5IVE SPEED, then I will certainly enjoy the company I keep.

Social media has not helped me in quest to increase sales volume for 5IVE SPEED. Recently I asked over 740 followers of mine on Twitter to retweet a plug for the book, and two people did so. Whoever said social media is a great marketing tool has never tried to independently sell a humor novel. You would think the Kindle edition would at least sell, but it has lagged also. I love my Kindle and I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t have a copy of the best humor novel around on it. Or any ebook for that matter. Hell, it even comes in paperback so knock yourself out.

I’m going to stick to my guns because I know and believe the right famous person is going to read it and it’s going to take off. In the meantime, I’ve decided to use two refrigerator boxes.

I’ve always wanted to live in a split-level.

I just watched Obama’s major address on television concerning the Middle East. I did it for one simple and intricate reason: I wanted to know what the hell everybody was talking about on Twitter.

Distancing myself from politics has seemed to work out well for me lately. No one has mentioned to me that I have been missed from the political spectrum, and I have found that my answer to political questions is the same and works for both political questions and sports related questions. The answer is, “I don’t know…what do YOU think?” In both politics and sports, everyone is simply waiting for me to get around to asking that question anyway, so why not just cut to the chase and save me a lot of effort and wasted research.

Even when I had an opinion on politics and sports, it never changed the broad picture of either and there was no satisfaction. Thankfully, I have enough aggravating things happening in my life that I don’t need artificial agendas to snap my synapses into gear.

But I watched Obama’s speech and wondered what he wanted me to do about what he was saying. There was no call-to-action for my part, and he wasn’t even trying to convince me to vote a certain way. So, while the Twitterverse was alive with activity on reactions, upbraiding, outrages, kudos, baiting, and misinterpretation, I walked away thinking that he should have at least worn a less boring tie.

I read fiction almost all the time. I write fiction. No one will call my novel 5IVE SPEED a work of political magnitude. Thinking about it, I don’t think I mention politics at all in the whole book. And yet, everyone who has read the book has loved it. It doesn’t support any political party, nor does it even endorse any particular sports team. It’s enjoyable in a world that gets all worked up about things they can do nothing about.

Don’t get me wrong; 5IVE SPEED has it’s share of controversy. It gets people to think, and it might change some people’s way of thinking, but these are things that people can actually do something about! But Obama was talking about all these things that are happening in the Middle East and I found myself thinking, “SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?!”

Now let’s talk about religion…

I have to be honest with you. The sales of my spectacular novel, 5IVE SPEED, have been less than spectacular. It surprises me slightly, because everyone who reads it loves it and I haven’t heard a discouraging word. And considering the ebook price is $2.99 nobody has mentioned having to save up for it or dipping into the kid’s college fund. But what the heck. That’s showbiz.

I figured it might be time to sweeten the pot. I’m going to be giving away Kindles. The only thing you have to do is buy 5IVE SPEED. If you make a couple reviews and comments, it increases your chances of getting a Kindle. I know you may already have a Kindle, but they make terrific Bar Mitzvah presents. To find out the details you just have to go to the Kindle Giveaway page on my website and it’s all pretty straightforward and simple.

Hopefully I’ll be giving away a bunch of them which wouldn’t bother me in the least. It’s really an “everybody wins” type situation. Oh…and I’d appreciate you all getting the word out about this as much as possible; whether it’s on Facebook or Twitter or your blog or whatever. This is the kind of thing that needs to get around by word of mouth. I’m not expecting “viral” or anything, although that would be sweet, too.

They told me that self-publishing was going to be tough, and I’m seeing it now. But they also told me that if it’s a great book it will do well and eventually sell itself. I’m ready for that to happen, but until this little baby gets legs of its own I’m going to need all the help I can get and I’m depending on you.

Oprah hasn’t read it yet. Obviously, this is one of the problems. But until someone solves that and gets it into her reading hands, we’re going to have to do it without Oprah’s help.

Keep in touch with me as far as the help you’re extending and I will personally thank you. I’m pretty good about those things. Let’s see this little gem of mine take off.

And you might wind up with a free Kindle. Yay.

As many of you know, my novel 5IVE SPEED has been published as an ebook. You can learn all about it in one easy place. I created a Kindlebooks Profile and there are links to the Amazon page, along with the description of the book, a cute YouTube video I did, and I don’t know what else. Most of you haven’t bought the book yet, and I don’t know why. The ebook price is $2.99 and it’s worth ten times that. Maybe a hundred times that.

I’ll tell you what. Buy the book and if you truly don’t like it; let me know and I’ll refund your money. I’ll do it personally. I’ll send it to you via PayPal from my own personal PayPal account. Okay? That’s how sure I am that you’re going to love the book. And when you love the book, I’d like you to post a review on Amazon and tell all your friends to buy the book as well. So now there’s no risk to you. Satisfied?

I should see the numbers of books sold skyrocket now, right? Or not.

See, that’s the thing. I don’t get it. Everyone that has read the book has loved it. I have posted messages on Twitter and Facebook and Linked In and everything else every marketing article has told me to do. I’ve read dozens of “Top Ten Things You Need To Do To Get Your Ebook Sold” blogs and articles which all say the same thing, by the way, and truthfully (between you and me), the book is just lying there. I don’t get it.

I would love to hear some solutions to this crisis from any of you. As long as it doesn’t involve something I’ve already read a hundred times. If some of you have any connections to newspaper book reviewers or magazine book reviewers or you yourself are a newspaper book reviewer or a magazine book reviewer, then you’ve gotta help me out here!

I know it’s been less than two weeks. Those of you who have followed this blog know that patience is not one of my oh-so-many virtues. As far as I’m concerned the only thing wrong with immediate gratification is that it doesn’t happen quick enough. So, I need results now and if I can’t depend on you…well…you know.

I’ll tell you what I need. I need Oprah to read 5IVE SPEED; love it and mention it. That’s the key to my success. If she can endorse a fake drug addict’s fake autobiography, how hard could it be to get behind one of the funniest books she’ll ever read? It’s gotta be easy for her, right? Not only that, but the story takes place in Chicago, and she’s from Chicago, so it all fits in. She practically owes me, for chrissakes!

With the vast number of people who read this blog, there has got to be a few of you who are close friends with Oprah and can do this favor for me. I will be so appreciative, and you’ll be doing a good thing. In the meantime, I’ll be watching the sales numbers skyrocket from the posting of this edition because all of you are at least going to buy a copy of 5IVE SPEED from the Amazon page.

Oh…and the money back thing still stands. Thanks.

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A little background first. I wrote 5IVE SPEED over a year ago, I think. I did the normal thing of sending out massive amounts of query emails to literary agents both in the United States and the UK. I received more than a few requests to read the manuscript and I sent them eagerly. The reviews were stunning and no one was willing to take it on. They said they couldn’t pigeonhole it. It was going to be a hard sell because it was very funny. Brilliantly written, but they wouldn’t know what shelf to put it on. And on and on.

There was a lovely agent in London who adored the book and she took it on. She said it was going to be difficult but she’d give it a shot. She said it was the best book she’d read in quite a while and deserved to be sold.

It wasn’t. The UK publishers all told her what a wonderful writer I am but the book is too American for their market. I let it drop.

My favorite book ever is CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES by John Kennedy Toole. He couldn’t get it published so he killed himself. His mother wound up getting it published. I briefly considered this route, but quickly realized no one cared about me enough to actually try to get 5IVE SPEED published after they cleaned up the mess that was once me.

Kindle offered an alternative solution.

Amazon offers a self-publishing system for Kindle/iPad/etc and marketing tools. After reading and researching about this method, I figured, what the hell. I still love the book and I’m still convinced that after people read it, they’ll love it, too. Then they’ll tell everyone else to read it. Why was I letting agents and publishers get in my way? That’s so twentieth century! Everyone is using an e-reader these days. I can’t believe I read books before I got my Kindle. Plus, I’m selling the damn book for about half the price of a movie ticket! How could you not buy it?

For those that don’t own a Kindle or have the Kindle software on your computer or still want to physically turn pages, I’m also producing a paperback that will be available in a couple weeks.

And for those that have read thus far and keep saying, “So, what’s the damn book about?”, here’s the description from my oh-so-many query letters:

—

It isn’t until he meets his son’s future in-laws that he realizes he is tired of a three speed life. Time to move up.

Everything is perception, to be a soul-mate doesn’t always happen first time around, and illicit affairs are not always one-sided.

—

Your next question is probably pertaining to buying it. You can buy it on the Amazon site and you can also get it by going through my Amazon Author’s page

Buying my book will not only make you laugh (and maybe cry a little, and maybe receive a message), but it will make a statement to the Old School literary world that the reader is the thing, and the new media don’t need them anymore.

Thanks for your support.

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The world is sick of “flashmobs.” I know it’s a bit presumptuous for me to be speaking on behalf of the whole world, but I do it all the time. It’s kind of the same thing as when I state something as “fact” but have absolutely nothing of factual substance to back up said statement. It’s just the way I do things.

When I saw my first flashmob it was the YouTube video everyone in the world saw on Oprah. I don’t know if they existed before that. I assume they did, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve noticed that nothing really exists in today’s world until it appears on Oprah, anyway. And that’s a fact. The phrase, “I saw it on Oprah” has the same if not more validity as “I saw it on Walter Cronkite” had back in the days when a show hosted by a Glenn Beck would be followed by Hee Haw.

Flashmobs have now begun to carry political messages. When a flashmob represents a political movement or a political statement, the entire act has officially jumped the shark. I know I speak for the entire world when I say that we are not going to become sympathetic towards a cause; change our political viewpoint; or participate in a boycott because fifty people bring a boombox and start dancing in a Best Buy. Particularly if they do it horribly and without imagination. If anything, it has the opposite effect. And because it has the opposite intended effect, I truly hope I never see a flashmob devoted to saving baby seals because I really will take a baseball bat to my local zoo.

Flashmobs need to go the way of streaking and bungee jumping. They are being gazed upon as pathetically as the comeback tour of Vanilla Ice.

Their time has come and gone, and it was fun for the two weeks when they were unique. Admittedly, the line between cute and painfully stupid is sometimes a thin one, but the line should never even be approached. Keep your political statements and causes out of the flashmob. As you’re sitting in your empty storefront headquarters, head in hands, weeping about your failed attempt at changing some part this world, you’ll find yourself repeating out loud over and over, “If only we hadn’t done that stupid dance…”

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