Here are some of my favorite relationship reminders and research-proven habits for happy relationships.

1)  Be Each Other’s Biggest Fan

Show admiration and fondness for each other. Share good news and celebrate often.  Be a cheerleader for each other and the relationship.  Interestingly, the most successful relationships maintain positive illusions over the years, and even exaggerate the positive qualities in each other.  Being “realistic” and “pessimistic” are not nearly as helpful to relationship happiness as being “optimistic”.  Go ahead and see the glass half-full rather than half-empty, especially when you are thinking about others.

2)  Respond Positively to “Bids for Attention”

People who are happy in their relationships respond to each other’s bids for attention 86% of the time. They ask each other questions, communicate understanding and respond positively.  They say “Yes” to each other as often as possible.

However, research has found that in unhappy relationships, people respond to each other’s bids for attention only 30% of the time.  The next time that you are asked to watch that silly YouTube or listen to their favorite music, just do it!

3)  Prioritize Affection and Sex

Research has found that the more affection and sex that people have, the happier they are. Good sex is close, connecting and trusting. Ideally, sex is both playful and intimate, and allows for bonding hormones to be released.

People who can have intimate conversations about their sexual relationship are also happier in their relationships.

4)  Make Time For Each Other

• Make time for reconnection by spending at least 30 minutes daily chatting about your days
• Show daily appreciation and gratitude for each other
• Have reunion and goodbye rituals
• Make sure that you know that you really matter to each other
• Be there for each other

5)  Cultivate Forgiveness

According to Dr Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, there are several necessary steps to forgiveness:

• Remind yourself that we are all flawed human beings
• Decide whether the betrayal or disappointment is a dealbreaker or not
• If we stay in relationships, we need to allow ourselves to feel our pain, hurt, disappointment and anger
• After we feel our pain and soothe ourselves, we need to be willing to open our hearts, surrender and be willing to risk feeling pain and disappointment again
• All of these forgiveness steps can happen even if our partner is unwilling to take any responsibility or change themselves

Some of these steps to forgiveness are surprising, yet I personally find it empowering that we can choose whether or not we forgive others. Even if they do not do anything!

The Stanford Forgiveness Project emphasizes that forgiveness is essential in successful, happy relationships.  When we choose to trust someone, we are vulnerable and do risk getting hurt again.

Do any of these habits of happy relationships come easily for you?

What habits do you need to work on to make your relationships stronger and happier?

Research by Dr John Gottman has found that couples are more happy in their relationships if they have the magic ratio of 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions. For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate, caring or fun interactions to counter balance it.

As we all know, conflict is inevitable in long term relationships. We just need to be careful to not allow the conflicts to erode relationship satisfaction.

It is so important that couples prioritize their relationships. We need to know that we are there for each other and we matter. We also need to know that we can still enjoy each other’s company over the years.

In a New York Times article: “Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples” studies found that just spending time together is not enough for relationship satisfaction. Brain and behavior scientists report that ideally couples need to spend time together around novel and different experiences. “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine-which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love”. In an experiment comparing 1) Couples spending 90 minutes per week doing pleasant and familiar activities 2) Couples spending 90 minutes on “exciting” activities that they did not typically do like plays, concerts, hiking and dancing 3) No particular activity, the findings were interesting. Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction.

If you go on a date with your partner, and one of you brings up an area of conflict, I recommend that you try to “Protect your fun time from conflict”. Discuss this approach ahead of time. When one of you starts an argument, the other can remind, “Let’s protect our fun time from conflict”.  Agree to discuss the issue or problem in the morning over breakfast. Then take advantage of the opportunity to go out and just enjoy each other’s company.

I have known many couples who have ruined Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries and Birthdays because they allowed themselves to indulge in an argument or problem focused conversation. In the beginning of a relationship, you likely had many opportunities to fully enjoy each other’s company. We suggest you recreate those possibilities -No matter how long you have been together.

How important is FUN in your relationships? What do you do for fun together? Please join me in making FUN be a bigger priority in your life.

If you want your friendships to grow, perhaps you need to be proactive and invest in them even more.

Many people I know report that we do not enough have time for friends, especially if we are busy with careers, partners or families. Keep in mind that small, but regular commitments can go a long way. Please consider: Weekly exercise/walk/yoga date with a friend; Monthly dinner date with a friend; Weekly phone call with a friend; Take a weekend class with a friend; What about a commitment to an annual Girls Weekend away? (even if that means just one night away!)

Spend More Time
Social Psychology studies show that “Proximity Leads to Liking”. So, spending more face to face time together really does make a difference in growing friendships. If you are someone who likes to exercise, what about asking a friend to join you in your exercise commitment? Running, walking, yoga or exercise classes with a friend is a great way to combine friendship time with fitness. If you like to read books, what about asking a friend to read the same book as you and have your very own private book club? How about asking a friend to do volunteer work with you? Yes, people are busy, but we need to prioritize our time with friends if we want them to become a more integral, satisfying aspect of our lives.

Be the Initiator
Many times friendships need to be given a chance to see if they will grow. Try increasing the amount of interaction you have with a friend. Let them know how much you appreciate spending time with them. Hopefully it will be mutual. Some of us are planners who like to initiate, organize and invite others. There is nothing wrong with you being a planner or pursuer. Often those people with the most satisfying friendships describe themselves as willing to invite often even if it is not reciprocated. So what if you call or email more often? Does your friend accept your invitations, and appear to have fun with you? Forget about keeping score. Maybe you are better at getting together, and your friend is better at something else. I find it helpful to accept that in many of my friendships, I am the organizer and the one who make things happen.

Take Emotional Risks
Do you take any emotional risks with your friends? Do you keep conversations casual and lighthearted? Do you let your friends know about your history, background, challenges and successes? Take a risk this year with a friend or two, and share some things that are more private and deeper. Let them know ahead of time if it is difficult for you, but that you would like to be more open and revealing with friends. Sharing private information deepens our emotional connection, intimacy and closeness.

Imagine the kind of friendships that you would like to have in your life. How important are friends to you?  How can you be more proactive about your friendships?

In an ideal world, we would be on top of our game taking care of our emotional and physical health. The Mayo Clinic says we need 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Oh dear. We know that we need healthy nutrition and regular exercise. I try to eat healthy and exercise, until I become too busy and stressed to do so! Time with friends and family help reduce my stress levels. I know I am a great candidate for meditation, but I just can not sit still. I have too much to do. Sound familiar?

We also know that stress raises our cortisol levels, and challenges our immune system functioning. Why is it so hard to take care of ourselves when we know intellectually what we need to do?

In the book, “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” Robert Sapolsky describes an interesting perspective from the wilderness. Zebras have a lot of stress in their lives running away from lions, but then they rest and graze. In contrast, humans have a lot of stress, but rather than rest and graze, we worry and look over our shoulders for more lions.

If you are like me and want more relaxation and grazing in your life, let’s try some of these tips to release stress:

What other ideas do you have to release stress in your life? I would love to hear them.