On any given day you’ve probably had two or three showdowns with your child over everything from brushing her teeth to getting in the car seat  – all before lunch. But contrary to how things may seem, most kids like to behave in a manner that makes them (and you) proud  – at least most of the time. The best way to get there: Help your child feel as if you and she are on the same team. These six strategies show you how.

Build stronger bonds

If you want your child to be more cooperative, change your focus from improving him to improving your relationship. When you dwell on the ways he’s misbehaving, it just discourages both of you  – you feel like a bad mom, and he feels as if he can’t do anything right. Besides, all that energy you’re using to correct him could be channeled into something more uplifting and effective. So try to give him positive feedback several times a day  – a specific compliment on something you see him doing (“You’re choosing such great colors to draw your picture,” or “I really like the gentle way you played with your baby sister”). And don’t forget to spend some time with your child each day, doing something he enjoys.

Be a booster

After having fed, diapered, dressed, and done just about everything for your baby, it’s hard to step back when she’s older and let her do things herself (especially when you’re in a rush). But micromanaging her life  – from telling her exactly what to wear to opening her juice boxes  – just sends the message that you’re not confident about her abilities. So whenever you can, let her accomplish as many small tasks as possible.

And as much as you’d like to help, it’s better for her to resolve some squabbles with her playmates or siblings on her own. You can encourage her to do this with a couple of simple sentences that state the problem and provide a resolution: “I understand you’re angry, and I know you can use your words instead of screaming at your friend.”

Sympathy Works

Stay cool

We’ve all been there. You tell your toddler it’s time to turn off the TV, and he screams, “No!” Then you probably dig in your heels and find yourself in a shouting match.

But as you’ve already discovered, power struggles don’t promote cooperation. They only make each of you angrier  – and teach your child to resist you even more.

The key is to control yourself. Maintaining your composure instead of showing your frustration lets your out-of-control child “borrow” some of your calmness. How can you do this? Label his intense feelings without judging them: “I can see you’re really mad now.” Then state the unacceptable behavior and give him a better alternative: “Kicking your truck isn’t right. You can tell me you’re angry without hurting things.” If your older child likes to argue, look for something you can agree with: “That’s true  – it’s more fun to play computer games than it is to do homework.”

Remember, it takes two to keep a power struggle going. When my kids were younger, I often found that if I dropped my end of the rope in our tug-of-war (even though it pained me to do so!), they’d eventually stop resisting me, give up the battle, and concentrate instead on their behavior and how they could change it.

Try a little empathy

As busy moms, our expectations are often, naturally, self-centered: We need everyone’s cooperation to get out of the house on time; we finally got the baby to nap and want our firstborn to play quietly. But it’s important to examine your expectations from your child’s point of view  – for instance, she feels pressured when you rush through the morning routine, which prompts her to dawdle. Or everything seems to revolve around the new baby’s needs, and your toddler was having fun banging on the piano.

When you notice and accept your child’s feelings, it helps her handle the limits placed on her. And it takes only a few extra seconds. Instead of snapping, “We’ve got to leave right now or your sister’s going to be late for school!” you can say, “I know it’s hard to get up so early to take your sister to school. If you want, you can come in your pajamas.”

And as annoying as it is, learn to tolerate a certain amount of grumbling, as long as it isn’t disrespectful. Your child’s “I don’t want to go to bed!” lets her vent her feelings. She’s also trying to distract you; if you answer her, you’ll trigger a debate, which is the last thing you want. Either ignore the comment or say something understanding: “I know you wish you could keep playing with your dollhouse, but I’m afraid it’s bedtime already.”

It also helps to show you’ve heard what she said and you empathize with her (“You’re sad that your friend has gone home. It’s been fun having someone come over to play”).

Between “You” and “I”

Blame the house

Such emotionally charged accusations as “Don’t ever let me hear you call your brother that again!” are more likely to provoke resistance than matter-of-fact comments like “Name-calling isn’t acceptable; our house rule says we treat everyone with respect.” It’s easier to get angry with a parent who’s perceived as overly controlling than to do battle with an impersonal house rule.

In the same spirit, making simple observations and nonjudgmental statements about bedtime or cleanup will probably make it easier for kids to comply with the rules. Instead of saying, for example, “Your room is such a mess,” try, “There are toys on the floor.”

Use your “I”

Kids learn early on to tune out their parents’ endless “no’s” and nagging. So if your requests and commands aren’t producing results, reframe them. Using “I” statements, tell your toddler what his actions do to you: “I get upset when I see you throwing food because I have to clean up the mess.” (Just try not to whine when you say this!)

When you give a warning, continue to emphasize what you’ll do: “I’ll take away your plate if you throw your food again,” and then follow through so it’s not an idle threat.

As you focus on your own actions instead of harping on your child’s behavior, you’ll feel more in control, and so will he. He’ll begin to see the connection between his actions and their consequences.

Of course, no discipline strategy can make kids behave perfectly all the time. But if you and your child are caught in a bad cycle, sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out the best in his.

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When I lived in Hawaii, I learned to apply the gracious concept of aloha  – which to me means to welcome the stranger and seek the good in him  – to family relationships. Each newborn is indeed a stranger to his family, a little mystery seed who’ll blossom into his destiny. Our job as parents is to embrace him and give him the freedom to fulfill his potential.

Since all parents want the best for their kids, achieving this may sound relatively easy. But to convey the message that each of your children is cherished and irreplaceable means navigating between the desire of each one to be loved more than his siblings and a parent’s wish to be fair and love his or her children equally.

Most kids assume that the attention showered on a new baby in the family means less parental love for them. So if your child can’t have all your affection, he’ll try to find out if you love him “the most.” One 6-year-old with a new baby brother would bait his mother by saying sweetly: “You’re my very best mommy in the whole world. Am I your best little boy?”

Try to resist the temptation to hint privately that you prefer one child over another. No matter how much kids long to hear it, the truth is that feeling they’re loved the most isn’t very reassuring; after all, at some point first place could go to the brother or sister who behaves better or gets a higher grade in school. Parental love suddenly begins to feel tenuous and conditional, rather than permanent and unqualified.

While children may worry about who is loved the most, parents often find themselves focusing their energies on giving each child the same amount of time and attention. But your elaborate efforts to love your kids equally will never feel truly fair to them. Your son is likely to count the number of sprinkles on his cupcake just to prove his sister got more than he did (and thus, in his mind, more love).

Instead of trying to love each of your children the same, concentrate on cultivating a separate, distinct bond with each child. Your children want the assurance that you have reserved a special place in your heart for each of them and that no other boy or girl can ever replace them. Knowing that she is loved unconditionally for who she is can go a long way in compensating a child for having to share her parents’ love and attention with her siblings.

Learning how to love unconditionally is challenging, but it’s also one of the most precious gifts we can give our children. The following strategies can help you form that individual, irreplaceable bond with each child.

PRACTICE ONE-ON-ONE

The best way to develop individual relationships with your children is to spend time alone with each one on a regular basis. Among other things, it helps cut down on your natural tendency to compare or typecast your kids. For example, your youngest is more likely to be viewed as “the baby” when the whole family is together than when he’s just going out with you.

But you needn’t plan a special outing to spend time alone with each child. When the opportunity arises  – say, when your toddler is napping  – you can play a game or do a puzzle with her older brother, talk to him about his day, or prepare a meal together. You can also invite him to work in the garden or join you when you run an errand while someone else watches the other kids.

AVOID COMPARISONS

It’s inevitable: Once we’ve had a second child, we automatically begin searching for similarities and contrasts between the two. Harmless as they seem, comparisons almost always stir up feelings of inadequacy among kids; there’s always one child who’s being viewed more favorably than the other. Comparing children also conveys the message that your love and acceptance are conditional, especially when we ask questions such as “Why can’t you be like your sister? She never talks back to me.”

But many parents don’t realize that even their compliments can pit kids against one another: “Wow, you cleaned your room! It looks much better than Marcia’s now.” Instead, try praising your child without referring to her siblings: “It’s nice to see you playing so quietly”; “You must feel relieved to have all your homework done before your favorite TV show comes on.”

AVOID TYPECASTING

Whether it’s unconscious or not, many parents tend to label their children: “Our son Tim’s the brainy one, while Mary’s the artist”; “Harry’s the easygoing one in this family.” Even though your child may enjoy having a special identity within the family, typecasting limits the way he and others view him and stifles his ability to express all his emotions (how can Harry kick up a fuss when he’s known as the easygoing one?)or try new experiences.

Although all of us have both positive and negative feelings about our children, occasionally a parent may project all her negative feelings onto one child, like the mother I knew who described one of her two boys as “her little angel” and the other as the “troublemaker.” This good boy/bad boy distinction left the “naughty” child feeling utterly defeated and quickly created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

AVOID GENDER STEREOTYPES

Most of us want our kids to have the chance to become whatever they dream of being, but we still find ourselves ruled by gender stereotyping at times, telling our children that “nice girls don’t get mad” or “big boys don’t cry.”

To make sure you don’t shortchange either sex, give your sons and daughters a breadth of experiences and a sense of unlimited possibility. Don’t assume that your little girl doesn’t want to learn to mow the lawn, play drums, or take karate lessons. And don’t balk if your son wants to play house, cook dinner, or learn to sew.

Another problem comes up when expectant parents have gender preferences, whether the preferences are spoken or not. If well-meaning friends and relatives make ill-timed comments, such as “Oh, maybe you’ll get your little girl this time,” perceptive kids soon figure out that their gender represents a major disappointment to their parents. Whatever your honest feelings about the sex of each of your children, don’t reveal those feelings to them. The best thing a parent can do is to celebrate the child they have, not the child they hoped for.

LET THEM EXPRESS THEMSELVES

One of the best ways we can help each of our kids feel appreciated is to acknowledge his intense emotions about his brother or sister without making judgments. When we trivialize a child’s feelings  – “Of course you don’t hate your sister. How can you say such a silly thing”  – he feels angry and misunderstood.

When your child says something about his siblings, no matter how shocking it is to you, it’s better to paraphrase his feelings than to react to them: “It makes you furious when she borrows your things without asking”; “You wish babies didn’t take so much time”; “Sometimes you resent having your little brother tag along.” Hearing you put his feelings into words  – even if it’s his fantasy about going back to being an only child again  – helps convince him that what he thinks and feels really matters to you.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE VULNERABLE CHILD

A child may be profoundly affected by his own or a sibling’s disabilities or exceptional gifts. A disabled child may feel like an intruder who interrupts everyone’s routines. Or she may get so much attention that her low-maintenance, healthy sibling is left to conclude, “I’m not special.”

The same thing may happen when one child is a star athlete or a musical prodigy. Her siblings may feel jealous or inadequate. Gifted kids also may feel intense pressure to perform, and they worry whether they are loved solely for their talents.

Parents of a child with special needs or special abilities have a difficult challenge, but they should try to see the child as a whole person, rather than just concentrating on her dyslexia or her record-breaking ability to run the quarter mile.

No matter how many children we have, our job should be to convince each one that she is a person of unique, infinite worth. If we succeed at this, chances are good that our kids will grow up to be happy and well-adjusted, reach their full potential, and become lifelong friends instead of bitter rivals.

Q. I’m sure most parents think their babies are bright, but I am convinced that our 22-month-old is truly gifted. She already identifies colors, counts to ten, recognizes letters, and speaks in full sentences. Books are her favorite toys, and she knows many of them by heart. Should I have her tested or be doing anything special to stimulate her development?

A. Your child certainly sounds precocious, and I commend you for wanting to enrich her environment. The test most commonly performed on babies to evaluate their development is the Denver Developmental Screening Test (DDST). This test assesses a child’s gross and fine motor skills, as well as her language and social skills, in order to determine her developmental age. This test, however, cannot accurately predict your daughter’s later intellectual ability. If you would like her to be tested, ask your pediatrician if she can administer the DDST.

As for I.Q. tests, which measure intelligence, they are less reliable and more difficult to administer before 3 or 4 years of age, as the child may have difficulty understanding the questions or may not want to cooperate. If you do decide to have your daughter’s I.Q. tested in a year or so, choose an examiner experienced in the evaluation of young children. No matter what the results, keep in mind that I.Q. tests will measure only a fraction of your daughter’s intellectual abilities. While the tests are generally good indicators of language skills, reading ability, and mathematical reasoning, they fail to identify exceptional talent in music or art, dance or athletics, leadership or interpersonal relations, or creative imagination.

Most gifted children aren’t recognized as such before the preschool years, but their parents often report that they achieved developmental milestones — such as sitting, standing, or walking — early on. But the best predictors of accelerated development are advanced language skills. Gifted children often start speaking early, have an unusually large vocabulary, and may learn to read before starting school. As infants, they tend to be highly alert and observant, may seek extra stimulation and carrying, and require frequent changes of surroundings to prevent frustration and boredom.

The line between an average baby and a gifted one can be fuzzy, especially during the first year, but as the child grows older, there are discernible differences. For example, a child who’s verbally gifted will speak and understand directions sometimes six to ten months earlier than other children. Keep in mind, however, that there are different types of gifted children: those who are accelerated in multiple areas of development and those who are exceptionally advanced in only one area while possessing average abilities in others. For example, a wide gap may exist between a gifted child’s intellectual ability and her physical skills or emotional development. This developmental disparity can cause difficulties for the gifted child, especially when it’s coupled with a parent’s unrealistic expectations.

A gifted child shouldn’t be viewed as a status symbol or a burden, but first and foremost as a child who requires abundant love, nurturing, protection, physical activity, and play. If you come to the conclusion that your daughter is gifted, you should make an effort to provide an enriched and supportive environment for her, remembering to stimulate all aspects of her intellectual development, not just the exceptional areas. Perhaps most important, let her know that you love her for who she is, and not just for her special abilities.

The fact is that the vast majority of children have the potential to develop their talents into creative accomplishments. I believe that every parent should ask, “How is my child special?” and foster the emergence of those attributes unique to each youngster.

1. Keep an Eye on the Big Picture

It happens to all of us: We become so preoccupied with the moment-to-moment aspect of child rearing that we lose perspective. When my first baby, Peter, was born, I was a premed student in college. Several weeks after returning to class and caring for my newborn, I became so sleep-deprived and depleted that I recall thinking, “There’s no way I can do this for eighteen years!” I had momentarily lost my optimism and enthusiasm about parenthood. Fortunately, I got help from the people around me: My husband, Larry, cared for our son so I could catch up on my sleep at night; my neighbors offered to babysit so Larry and I could go out one evening; and a more experienced mom who lived nearby assured me it got easier as the baby got older. Thanks to them, I was better able to juggle the demands of my newborn with my schoolwork. And, more important, I knew I could ask others to pitch in when I felt overloaded.

Losing sight of the big picture also makes it easier to overreact when your child misbehaves. It helps when you can look at the context of his behavior. A 2-year-old isn’t capable of remembering reprimands; despite repeated warnings not to scribble on the wall, he’s liable to take a crayon to it again. Try to remind yourself that he’s just learning what’s acceptable and that most of his behavior is appropriate for his age.

The next time he begins to mark up a wall, say no again, coupled with a brief explanation (“It makes the wall dirty”). Then sit him at the table with a piece of paper. Or buy a kid-size easel if he seems to enjoy standing up when he draws.

Sometimes children have a better sense of perspective than the adults around them. When my niece developed juvenile diabetes at 3, my entire family was devastated. For months we could only focus on the many ways her life would be limited  – by the daily testing, the dietary restrictions, and the potential medical complications.

A year later, while we were grocery shopping, she kept pointing at each item that had the sugar-free label on it and saying, “I can eat that! I can eat that! I can eat that!” While the grown-ups around her were caught up in what had been lost, my little niece had already learned to appreciate what remained.

Savor the Moment

Between work, chores, and our kids’ activities, life can become so hectic and harried that you find yourself racing from one deadline to the next. The result: little room for spontaneity. And that’s too bad because being spontaneous drives home the point of flexibility better than anything else.

Kids need routines to give them a sense of predictability and control, but they don’t have to be rigid. Even bedtimes and mealtimes can be more easygoing to allow for a special event  – when grandparents come to visit, for instance.

The key to being more flexible is to underschedule your day: Plan on doing fewer errands or chores. Say you’re washing laundry when your preschooler exclaims, “Let’s have a picnic!” Why not have one? Your willingness to modify your schedule to do something fun will teach your child the art of reranking priorities, validate her ideas, and demonstrate how important it is to spend special moments together.

Read Stories Aloud

By the time your baby is about 6 months old, you can begin to help him acquire a love of books. Stories expose him to a more complex language structure than people usually use in conversation. By reading them aloud as often as possible, you can boost your baby’s vocabulary and comprehension and expand his range of experiences. Just stop when he squirms on your lap or turns his face away.

When he’s a little older, don’t be surprised if he wants to hear the same books read over and over; toddlers learn through repetition and familiarity. He may also prefer to skip pages to get to his favorite picture or phrases, since many kids this age are less interested in the narrative than in absorbing certain pages that capture their imagination.

Once he’s a preschooler, help him identify rhyming words and learn to recognize letters of the alphabet as you look at books together. Pause to ask questions, look at illustrations, and make connections between the story and what’s going on in his life. Although his attention span has increased by this age, be prepared to digress completely if he wants to ask more questions or backtrack.

And once your child learns to read, continue to read aloud for as long as possible. Most kids, no matter what their age, enjoy the intimacy of having their parents’ direct attention. Even after our five kids were all fluent readers, I remember they looked forward to the times when Larry read their favorite stories aloud.

Apologize

We all blow it from time to time  – whether by breaking a promise, being irritable and short-tempered, or wrongly accusing our kids. If we hurt our child’s feelings, simply acknowledging, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” can mitigate much of the damage.

A sincere apology not only conveys respect for your child and shows that you value her, it also helps her learn compassion and that no one is perfect. She’ll be more likely to admit her own shortcomings if she can expect you to forgive her.

If you find yourself apologizing over and over for the same offense  – such as punishing your child too harshly  – think about why you keep repeating the behavior. If you need to find better ways to handle your temper, for example, you could talk to a trusted friend, your pediatrician, or your pastor or rabbi to get some advice. Repeating “I’m sorry” won’t mean anything if you can’t show your child you’re willing to change.

Spend Focused Time With Each Child

It’s natural for siblings to compete for their parents’ affection. But sharing your love is easier for your child to accept if he feels certain that he enjoys a unique relationship with you.

When parents are too concerned with being fair and spending equal time with each sibling, they may focus their energies on doing group activities as a family. While that’s a good thing, remember that kids also crave some one-on-one time alone with you. Try to take advantage of the many daily opportunities to find out what’s on your little one’s mind. As tempting as it is to put your toddler to bed at the same time as his baby sister, give him a later bedtime so the two of you can enjoy a quiet half hour together. Or alternate which child goes with you on your errands, whether it’s taking the dog to the vet or returning a video.

When my kids were young, I rotated which one came along when I went away on business. They loved those excursions with me. To them, it meant having my undivided attention as well as traveling on a plane and getting to order room service. Today, thanks in part to this, I’m rewarded by having a very special relationship with each one of them.

Another way you can make your children feel special is by avoiding comparisons (“Wow, you got ready faster than Taylor”). Instead, emphasize the positive attributes of each child (“I like the way you put away your books without my having to remind you”). And be careful not to label or typecast them (“Matthew’s the athletic one; Sarah’s the social butterfly”).

Put It in Writing

Written expressions of love are tangible and can be saved. Children of all ages delight in reading your words, whether it’s an annual birthday letter, a short note of encouragement tucked into a lunch box, or a picture you’ve drawn.

After my daughter Paige, now a doctor in the military, was transferred to a new Air Force base, she spent a nostalgic weekend unpacking and rereading old cards and letters. Then she called me so she could share some of the messages expressing my love and pride that I’d written over the years. It was an emotional moment for both of us.

Spending the time and energy to write a note or a card  – or to take any of the steps I’ve suggested  – is a labor of love. Your reward? A child who’s secure in the knowledge that he’s well worth the effort.

Given the consequences, what compels kids as young as 3 to be insolent? Often they do it to get attention, to test their skills at arguing, or to try to dominate their parents, friends, or teachers. Being able to use words to make other people angry, or even sad, can give youngsters a sense of power.

But not all rude behavior should be considered an act of defiance. Kids, like adults, expend a lot of emotional energy being well-mannered to people in the outside world  – be it at school or at daycare. Parents should be aware that little ones are more likely to lose their composure at home, where they feel safer, than they are in other places.

Besides, children are bound to be disappointed when their wants clash with parental rules and authority, and you should expect  – and allow  – a certain amount of whining and grumbling when you’re telling a child to do something or enforcing limits: “Awwh, do I have to?” “No fair.” “I did it last time.” “I never get to stay up late.”

You can view such comments as harmless background noise and either ignore them or, if you feel you must respond, simply paraphrase what your child is feeling, while restating your own request. “I hear that you wish you didn’t have to do chores, and the garbage still needs to be taken out.”

Curbing Sassiness

But serious insolence (“You are so stupid!”) should not be overlooked. The following strategies can minimize the tendency toward back talk.

Do Unto Others

Many of us forget the obvious  – that kids are more likely to show respect when you treat them, and other people, in a respectful manner. And if you constantly put yourself down or disparage your partner, kids, or friends, you teach your children that it’s okay to wound others with hurtful words.

Even infants observe their parents and mimic what they see. As soon as your baby starts to speak, teach him to say “please,” “thank you,” “I’m sorry,” and “excuse me.” Try to frame your desires  – for your child to put his toys away, for instance  – as requests, not demands. And when he carries them out, don’t forget to acknowledge it, which helps him feel valued.

To teach little ones the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech, you can cite examples of each made by other kids. Another idea: Show how tone of voice and inflection can turn even the most neutral phrase  – such as “That sure made a lot of sense”  – into a put-down.

One of the most effective ways to shape a child’s behavior is to give him positive reinforcement whenever he speaks or acts the way you’d like him to. Praise him for paying a compliment, listening respectfully, or having a polite conversation with you. And when he’s made a concerted effort to control his language or behavior in a difficult situation, tell him how much you appreciate it by saying, for instance, “I know you’re disappointed that we have to leave. Thanks for cooperating without a fuss. Now we’ll have time to stop for some pizza.”

Allow Kids to Vent

Children who don’t feel free to express their views may talk back in order to feel less controlled. Don’t confuse insolence with your child’s healthy willingness to state her own opinion or to honestly express her wants and needs. Be tolerant of such statements as “You didn’t keep your promise” or “I hate green beans.”

When you insist on an overly broad definition of back talk  – one that prevents children from ever disagreeing with adults  – your end result may be an extremely well-behaved child, but one who’s probably stifling her emotions, wants, and needs. Instead, encourage her to assert herself appropriately by conveying what she feels.

Limit Cultural Influences

Unfortunately, popular culture plays a powerful role in promoting back talk among children. Sitcoms make pint-size smart alecks into celebrities, whose one-liners are met with enthusiastic laughter from the audience. And talk-show guests routinely take rudeness to ever higher levels now seem to be a permanent part of TV and radio.

So although it’s tempting to use television as a babysitter or to switch on the radio in the car, either limit your child’s viewing and listening time or monitor what he sees and hears. If you can’t watch an entire TV show with your child, at least poke your head in from time to time or watch the program together for 15 minutes. Explain that put-downs and sarcasm can be hurtful, and stress that you don’t want to hear such language at home.

Ways to Handle Rude Retorts

If despite your best efforts your child still answers back sarcastically  – or gives you the silent treatment  – here’s how to remedy the problem.

Act Fast

Don’t let your child benefit from an insolent remark: Give a clear and immediate message that her words and tone were unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. Don’t allow her to intimidate you with back talk; it will only escalate if she gets her own way by using it.

Explain as objectively as you can that in your family, everyone is treated with respect. Don’t overreact, and be sure to condemn the rude language, not the child. Offer your child the face-saving option of starting over in a calm voice. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a tense situation with humor  – for example, by saying in a light, teasing tone, “Did you really mean to say that?” When your child starts the conversation over, thank her for cooperating and speaking respectfully.

Acknowledge Everybody’s Feelings

Kids often lash out when they’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, or feeling unlovable. Luckily these intense emotions don’t last very long, so although it’s difficult, don’t take verbal outbursts personally.

Instead, try to isolate the hurt or anger behind your child’s words and help increase his awareness of his feelings. One way to do this is to use the word “and” (which links two equal ideas) instead of “but” (which tends to negate what precedes it). For example: “I hear that you don’t want to stop playing right now, and I’m afraid it’s time to get ready for bed.” You can also encourage your child to express his negative emotions more appropriately by asking him to think about what might really be troubling him.

Explain that disrespectful language makes a person feel attacked, angry, and hurt. Calmly describe the effect that your child’s words have had on you. Even a child as young as 3 can understand when you tell him he’s hurt your feelings.

Enforce the Penalty

One of the most effective ways to curb rude behavior is to promptly impose a consequence for it. The goal is to teach your child that if she doesn’t respect others (especially grown-ups) and cooperate with them, they won’t be receptive to helping her get what she wants.

An ideal consequence for insolence is the immediate loss of a privilege. For instance, if your 5-year-old repeatedly answers with a sarcastic “Duh!” to everything you’ve said while you’re both playing Candy Land, you can tell her, “I’m too upset by your behavior to play anymore. You’ll have to find something else to do.”

Other penalties you might choose are a loss of TV time, adding extra jobs and chores, and not allowing friends over. Before enforcing one, however, be sure to give your child the option of picking the consequence: “You can apologize and do what I asked, or you can stay home and miss the movie this afternoon.” That way she gets the power she so desires.

For preschoolers, a time-out  – which allows everyone to calm down  – can be a suitable alternative. After tempers have cooled, talk with your little one about her feelings.

But don’t issue vague warnings when dealing with back talk (“If you say that again, you’re really going to be sorry” or “This is the last time I’m warning you about your mouth”). Empty threats only serve to give kids more control and thus will reinforce the habit.

Yet it’s also important that you don’t impose too harsh a punishment on your child, since that may breed resentment. While back talk certainly is annoying, it isn’t dangerous, and it shouldn’t require drastic measures, such as refusing to drive your 6-year-old to soccer because she was sassy while you were getting ready to go.

Step Back

Children often try back talk to draw you into a power struggle so they can feel more in control. Answering defensively or in anger will only make things worse: It takes two to perpetuate a power struggle, so disengage.

It took me years to learn this. When any of my five children were insolent, my stock response was “Don’t talk to me that way.” One day, though, my daughter (who was 12 at the time) talked back and I said nothing  – though, to be honest, it was simply because I didn’t have the energy to confront her. A few minutes later, she apologized on her own, admitting that problems she was having at school were the real reason for her hostility. I came to her support, demonstrating to her that we were on the same team.

So instead of responding angrily, you can say, “You seem to like to argue and complain, but I won’t play that game.” When tempers have cooled, talk to your child calmly about the source of his angry feelings and ask him to suggest ways he could better express them.

Back talk becomes harmful when it creates such a negative atmosphere that you find your relationship with your child eroding. Disengaging from the power struggle, setting a good example, letting kids vent  – all these strategies can replace sarcastic put-downs with healthier ways to communicate, ways that strengthen the bonds for everyone in the family.

Sucking their thumb, pulling their hair, picking their nose  – nearly all children find ways to relieve anxiety, boredom, or fatigue. There are many reasons that kids develop these coping mechanisms: Some imitate adults; others discover something pleasurable or relaxing and then repeat it until it becomes a way to help ease tension.

Even well-meaning parents can get so annoyed at what they perceive to be a “bad” habit that they start to scold or punish their child in a misguided attempt to rid him of it. But focusing excessive attention on his behavior can backfire, and may only make your child more stubborn. Even worse, nagging or teasing can leave him feeling discouraged and miserable.

The good news is that childhood habits are usually harmless and tend to disappear, especially if you refrain from dwelling on them. Instead of criticizing your child, try to pinpoint possible sources of stress or tension at home or school and provide a secure, relaxed environment for him. Offer additional comforting and cuddling, and pay more attention to his positive qualities. If he wants help breaking the habit, ask him if he’d like you to give him gentle reminders.

Here are seven common habits of childhood, with some strategies to adopt while you’re waiting for your little one to leave them behind.

NOSE PICKING

From time to time, virtually every child puts his finger in his nose and removes the contents, either eating them or wiping them on anything that happens to be nearby. Parents, understandably, have trouble remaining neutral about this  – after all, it’s socially unacceptable behavior. While you may not be able to stop this habit completely, you can teach your child (usually by age 4 or 5) not to pick his nose in public and to dispose of the contents in a tissue.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Nose picking can cause minor nosebleeds and may also increase the risk of colds, since respiratory viruses are usually passed from the hands to the nose. If a child rubs his eyes after picking his nose, he could transfer germs and end up with pinkeye or other infections. Frequent nose picking sometimes causes scabs and sores inside the nostrils, intensifying a child’s urge to poke around in there.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t use words like “yuck” or “nasty” when you see your child picking his nose. Young children tend to think you’re rejecting them if you’re disgusted by their behavior or bodily functions. And overreacting can actually encourage more nose picking by toddlers and preschoolers, who enjoy being able to provoke you.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Use matter-of-fact comments to teach your child not to pick his nose in public. Offer him tissues, and wash his hands often and keep his fingernails trimmed to decrease the risk of starting an infection.

To help heal and soften irritating scabs, run a humidifier or vaporizer in his room. Every day apply a dab of petroleum jelly to the center wall inside the nose with a cotton swab. If your child is cooperative, you can give him a bandage to wear on his finger as a reminder not to pick.

HAIR PULLING

There are two different types of hair pulling. The first usually begins when a child is under 5 and begins twirling or pulling her hair while sucking her thumb or finger. Most likely she will stop fiddling with her hair when she stops sucking her thumb.

The second type is more serious and usually occurs in older children. Known as trichotillomania, it’s characterized by an irresistible urge to pull out one’s hair and tends to be a chronic problem.

HEALTH CONCERNS

In some cases, hair pulling can lead to conspicuous bald spots.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t punish your child for fiddling with her hair or try to prevent pulling by cutting her hair short. Having her wear mittens on her hands to make her more aware of the habit doesn’t really work, and neither does offering toys or other bribes.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

The most effective way to curb hair pulling in preschoolers is to ignore it and focus instead on trying to break the thumb- or finger-sucking habit that often accompanies it. Of course, this will work only if your child is motivated to stop sucking her thumb and cooperates with you.

If your older child pulls her hair, talk to her pediatrician. Sometimes counseling helps uncover an underlying disorder, such as depression.

THUMB SUCKING

It’s been estimated that nearly half of American kids under the age of 4 suck their thumb or finger, and most experts believe such comfort sucking is entirely normal. The habit usually begins when a baby discovers her thumb and realizes how pleasurable it is to suck. In fact, thumb sucking helps an infant learn to soothe herself when she’s alone.

Thumb sucking is often combined with other repetitive behaviors, such as hair twirling or stroking a security object, and, like all habits, usually occurs when a child is tired, bored, or frustrated. Although most children give it up by the time they’re 3 or 4, nearly 20 percent continue beyond age 5.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Sometimes kids get sores or calluses on the thumb or the nail becomes infected. If a child continues to suck her thumb after her permanent teeth come in, around age 6, the teeth could become misaligned, requiring braces. Thumb sucking past kindergarten may also threaten a child’s self-esteem: A study of first-graders found that those who sucked their thumbs were rated less desirable as friends and classmates than those who didn’t.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Thumb sucking is so normal and harmless that no attempt to stop it should be made before a child is 4. And even if your child is older, you shouldn’t belittle, scold, or punish her when you catch her doing it.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Besides providing a secure environment for your preschooler, give her plenty of opportunities to play creatively as a way to prevent boredom. Or distract her by getting her involved in a game that requires both hands.

If your child is at least 4 and wants help breaking the habit, you might try giving gentle reminders; applying a bitter-tasting solution to her thumb; putting a bandage on the thumb; or using positive reinforcement, such as a chart with stars that can be redeemed for special treats.

If your child is over 6 and the habit is causing dental malocclusions, her doctor or dentist may recommend a physical barrier, such as an orthopedic thumb splint or a dental appliance that prevents the thumb from comfortably resting against the roof of her mouth. Because prolonged thumb sucking can be related to emotional stress or insecurity, you should discuss the habit with your child’s pediatrician.

MASTURBATION

Finding your child touching or rubbing his genitals can be very disturbing to parents who mistakenly believe that small children don’t have any sexual feelings. These parents may consider the behavior a bad habit, but most of the time, it’s not. Babies discover their genitals just as they learn about other body parts  – by reaching for them  – and then learn that they are a source of pleasurable sensations.

The innocent repetition of what feels good is an entirely normal part of the process of self-discovery and play. Yet many adults harbor conflicted feelings about masturbation, viewing it as somehow immoral or unhealthy. When parents overreact to genital exploration, a toddler can conclude there is something wrong with him.

Nearly all children masturbate occasionally, most commonly around the age of 4 and again when they reach adolescence. Preschoolers tend to masturbate by stimulating their genitals with their hand, rubbing their thighs together, or rubbing against an object. The child may look preoccupied or flushed while doing this.

Admittedly, most parents would rather see their child suck his thumb than tug at his penis. But like nose picking, the most you’ll probably be able to control is where the habit is practiced. As a general rule, once children sense that such behavior is inappropriate in public, they masturbate only in private, so that parents become less aware of it, and less worried.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Contrary to numerous myths, masturbation doesn’t cause any physical symptoms or pose any health risks. The greatest danger lies in the way a parent reacts. Children may suffer emotional harm when they are made to feel guilty for exploring and enjoying their own body or to feel that what they are doing is naughty.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Despite your surprise and discomfort, try not to react negatively or make judgmental comments if you catch your child in the act. Such a response will only make your child feel ashamed. As with other habits, overreacting can have the opposite effect of preventing further episodes  – your child may just masturbate more, which will make him feel guilty and decrease his self-esteem.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

When you teach your child about body parts, use the proper names for his genitals. If you find your preschooler masturbating in front of other people, distract him with another activity. When he’s old enough to understand  – by age 4 or 5  – explain that touching the genitals is something we don’t do in front of other people.

Since masturbation is such an emotionally laden issue, it’s important that others respond to it calmly as well. Make sure other caretakers are aware of how you’re handling the situation. Despite your best efforts to remain cool and matter-of-fact when your child engages in self-exploration, he could be left feeling guilty and confused if a grandparent or baby-sitter has a strong negative reaction.

But you should consult your child’s pediatrician if your youngster masturbates compulsively, if he does it in public despite being told not to, or if he tries to masturbate others. It’s possible that he’s been exposed to sexually explicit material or been sexually abused by someone. You should also talk with your child’s doctor for guidance if you’re highly conflicted about masturbation.

NAIL BITING

Many kids bite their nails between the ages of 10 and 18, although the habit can begin as early as age 3. After age 10, it’s actually more common in boys than girls.

Children often bite their nails when they’re nervous, bored, or absorbed in an activity, such as watching TV or doing homework. And they are more likely to bite their nails when they’re brittle. Once a nail is bitten off or broken, it becomes easier to continue the habit, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to make the rough edges even.

Dry, chapped hands also provoke more biting: The skin around the cuticles becomes rough, prompting nail biters to chew and create a smooth surface.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Nail biting can inflame the skin and cuticles around the nail, causing bleeding and infection. It can also cause small fractures at the edges of the teeth, especially the incisors.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t draw attention to the habit or tell your child that his nails are unsightly, as this will only make him self-conscious and anxious and may encourage the habit. Don’t let him use his nails to pry things open or to dig in the dirt; that causes rough edges and hangnails when his nails break, which increases his urge to bite them.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Begin a daily program of nail care: Use a moisturizer to lubricate your child’s nails and a hardener to strengthen them. Smooth out edges and hangnails with an emery board.

Apply hand lotion several times a day. If your child is a girl, you can also try putting on a clear polish to further strengthen nails.

LIP LICKING OR CHEWING

Biting or licking the lips tends to start when a child tries to moisten badly chapped lips or smooth them by gently chewing off dried, rough skin. When the child is tense, tired, or bored, the behavior escalates and is then reinforced, since the more the lips are licked and chewed, the more uneven and rough they become and the more irresistible it becomes to chew the rough edges.

HEALTH CONCERNS

Chronic licking irritates the lips and the skin around the mouth, making the area more vulnerable to infection and causing discomfort and soreness. Usually, there’s a telltale ring of red, irritated skin surrounding the mouth.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t draw attention to the habit  – for example, don’t tell your child he’s spoiling photographs if he comes out with a red ring around his mouth.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Give your child some lip balm and have him apply it liberally throughout the day. (You’ll probably have to do this for your preschooler.) This will smooth the rough edges and help discourage him from chewing the skin. To prevent cracks from reopening, it’s better to apply balm with up-and-down strokes instead of rubbing it across the mouth. At bedtime, apply a coating of lanolin (preferably USP-modified) or petroleum jelly on and around his lips to promote overnight healing.

TEETH GRINDING

Teeth grinding, or bruxism, occurs in about 15 percent of all children and adolescents while they sleep. No one knows for sure what causes it. According to one theory, it’s simply a nervous habit caused by anxiety; another suggests that grinding represents a subconscious effort to correct an irregular bite. In general, children may grind their teeth until all the permanent teeth have come in, although the habit can persist even into adulthood.

HEALTH CONCERNS

When a child grinds her teeth at night, she usually clenches her jaw with more force than she could consciously exert during the day. If she does this frequently, she could end up with an aching jaw, worn or loose teeth, and headaches.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t criticize your child or wake her up to tell her to stop grinding. She’s probably completely unaware of the habit.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Be vigilant about dental care: Regular checkups can help you keep tabs on the problem.

As you should with any of these habits, look for ways to reduce stress in your child’s life: Offer lots of praise and emotional support when she seems worried and spend more time talking about her concerns. If she’s the type of child who’s especially eager to please you, make sure your expectations aren’t contributing to her anxiety. And make bedtime as pleasant and relaxing as possible.

The first step: Recognize when you’ve fallen into one of these common traps. The next step: Break the pattern and come up with more creative and specific techniques. It may take patience and practice, but it’s worth it.

Trap Overdoing Punishments

I often hear parents complain about how impossible it seems to change certain behaviors in their kids. A parent might grouse about dawdling, for instance: “Max is never ready to leave the house in the morning. I’ve taken him to preschool in his pajamas and restricted the TV, but nothing works.”

If your child does the same thing over and over  – especially if he “knows better”  – your best bet is to figure out what’s motivating him. Most of the time, kids feel they have little control, so the sense of power they gain from misbehaving may both stem from, and fuel, their belief that negative attention is better than none. Of course, it backfires: Constant criticism and punishment often leaves a child feeling discouraged.

TO BREAK FREE

Try to give your child more of your focused, positive attention at unexpected times throughout the day. Mention all the things he does well, for instance: “What a colorful picture you made. You really know how to pick beautiful colors.” Whenever he contributes and cooperates throughout the day, let him know how much that means to you: “Thank you for helping me make the pancake batter. I really appreciate it!” And when he actually gets dressed in a reasonable amount of time, praise him for it.

This technique  – known as “catch ‘em being good”  – is a much more effective way to gain your child’s trust than nagging or criticizing him. Praise even small steps toward success: “Thanks for putting your sweatpants and shirt on without any reminders from me.” You might link your compliment with a little reward: “Wow, you’re almost ready. As soon as your shoes and socks are on you can watch TV while I finish washing the dishes.”

For most kids, though, your undivided attention is the greatest reward of all. So, for instance, if your child tends to tease his sibling, the next time they interact peacefully you might say, “Thanks for playing so nicely with your sister. Now, while she’s napping, the two of us can read stories together.”

Trap Making Empty Threats

When you’re tired, it’s easy to lose your temper and bark, “Pick up your toys right now, or I’m throwing them all away!” But such an inflexible demand can provoke your child’s flat refusal  – the last thing you want. And when he doesn’t pick them up, you’re left with an untenable situation: You must either back down and lose credibility, or follow through and pay the consequences (like one mother I know who ended up giving away half of her daughter’s wardrobe).

A variation of this trap is to issue exaggerated, vague, or unenforceable threats, such as, “That’s it! We’re going home right now and I’m never taking you to the store again!” Children learn to tune out these empty, unrealistic warnings like so much background noise.

TO BREAK FREE

Try to use face-saving strategies that promote teamwork: “Let’s pick up the toys quickly, so we can go outside.” You can also challenge your preschooler to play “beat the clock”  – put the timer on, and race to see who can pick up the most toys before it goes off.

But do use well-timed, brief warnings. The most effective ones are specific: “I’m warning you; if you throw rocks again we’re leaving the playground.” You have to be prepared to follow through promptly, even if it’s inconvenient  – leaving the restaurant before you’ve finished eating, for example, or abandoning your grocery cart in the aisle. The sooner you carry out the warning, the more quickly you’ll convince your child that you mean what you say.

Trap Falling into Power Struggles

When your child constantly tests your limits, it can be so frustrating that you’ll feel like playing the heavy just to show who’s the boss. But cooperation has to be cultivated, not forced. Otherwise, the only lesson he’ll learn is that the two of you are adversaries rather than teammates.

TO BREAK FREE

Learn to disengage from conflicts before they escalate. Try to identify and acknowledge the feelings that your child is experiencing: “I know you don’t want to get ready for bed right now. You’re disappointed that you can’t keep playing.” It also helps to have set routines for your child’s mealtime, playtime, and bedtime; when he knows what to expect, it will help keep many fights from erupting.

Making simple decisions teaches your child that he has some say in your household, that he’s not always under your control. So whenever it’s practical, give limited choices. Even 2-year-olds can pick what they want to wear, eat, or do. For example, if your toddler is playing when it’s time to leave, you can tell him, “We have to go home now. You can walk to the car or I can carry you. You decide.”

Try to monitor your language, too. When you tell a child what you’ll do  – instead of what he must do  – it’ll go a long way toward keeping everyone’s temper in check. Announcing, “I will wash only the clothes that I find in the hamper,” is far less provocative than saying, “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your clothes off the floor?”

Trap Overrelying on Time-outs

When a time-out no longer works, it’s usually because the technique has been used for too many problems, from the serious (hitting, biting) to the merely annoying (not picking up toys). Other mistakes include giving a delayed time-out or imposing an excessively long one. But time-outs can give both parties a chance to start over: Your child can think about her actions, while you can reflect on how to better handle her outbursts.

TO BREAK FREE

Because a time-out can enable a child to gain control over her impulses, it’s one of the best ways to reduce antisocial behavior. Even so, use this method sparingly: Pick two of your child’s most aggressive traits  – biting and pushing, for instance  – and save time-outs for those occasions.

It’s also most effective when you enforce it immediately. If, for example, you see your 3-year-old shoving another kid out of her way, don’t wait until you’ve left the playground to give her a time-out  – escort her to a bench or a quiet corner. If she gets up, you may have to calmly but firmly place your hands on her shoulders so she stays seated.

For how long? Try approximately one minute per year of age  – so three minutes for your 3-year-old is long enough. Remember, it isn’t a jail sentence. If your child announces that she’s calmed down, don’t keep her the whole time. Instead, congratulate her for regaining her composure so quickly.

Sometimes a time-out isn’t the most effective option. Preverbal toddlers  – in general, those under 2 1/2  – are just learning to handle frustration and don’t have the the ability to remember why they’re in time-out in the first place. You can help your toddler by holding her and giving her the words to express her anger. (By all means, though, make it clear that hitting isn’t acceptable.)

Being an effective disciplinarian involves not only knowing specific techniques, but also being able to adapt them to your child’s temperament and needs, and the particular situation. Changing the way you react is the first step in helping her develop self-control and responsibility, without having to undermine your precious relationship.

Most expectant and new mothers know that breastfeeding is recommended as the healthiest way to feed a baby, with approximately 70 percent of U.S. mothers now opting to nurse their newborns. Yet myths and misinformation about breastfeeding still abound and contribute to the diverse barriers that prevent some women from beginning or continuing to breastfeed. Understanding what’s fact and what’s fiction can help you give your baby the best possible start in life.

Dads Can Help, Too

Myth #1: Fathers can’t help much if you’re breastfeeding.

Fact: While it’s true that only a mother can nurse her infant, direct help and encouragement from the baby’s father can be a decisive factor in the success of breastfeeding. One of the best ways that fathers can help out is to appreciate their critical role as doula — one who “mothers” the mother and empowers her to fulfill her unique breastfeeding role. A father’s emotional support and encouragement is critical, especially during the early weeks after giving birth when a new mom is often weary and physically depleted.

Dad also can help create a relaxed feeding environment for mom — pouring her a glass of water, bringing a nursing pillow, or giving her a backrub. His support can be invaluable during middle-of-the-night feedings, when he can minimize mom’s loss of sleep by bringing the baby to her for nursing, changing the diaper, and settling the infant at the end of the feeding. Taking charge of household duties can also conserve mom’s energy and keep her spirits up during the early weeks of frequent feedings.

Fathers soon discover many ways to form their own intimate bond with their baby, such as bathing, massaging, rocking, and playing with her. Once breastfeeding is well established (usually after three to four weeks), fathers can begin giving expressed breast milk by bottle when a nursing mother must be away. Dad also can take responsibility for washing the breast pump collection containers, as well as the baby’s bottles and nipples.

(Breast) Size Doesn’t Matter

Myth #2: Women with small breasts produce less milk.

Fact: Breast size depends more on the amount of fatty tissue in the breast than the number of milk glands, and no direct link exists between pre-pregnancy breast size and daily milk production. Because breast size is related to the storage capacity of the breasts, women with smaller breasts may need to nurse or pump more often than large-busted women.

The breasts undergo remarkable development of the milk glands and ducts in pregnancy under the influence of estrogen and progesterone, with each breast nearly doubling in weight. The breasts enlarge still further when a mother’s milk comes in, usually on the third postpartum day. Thus, most women with smaller breasts prior to pregnancy find their breasts have enlarged considerably by the time milk production begins. If breasts are still small at this point, it can be a cause for concern, and should be discussed with your health care practitioner.

Some breast variations can complicate nursing. Inverted nipples can make it more difficult for an infant to latch on properly, and may require extra instruction from a lactation consultant or certain breastfeeding techniques. (For example, using a breast pump before nursing can often make inverted nipples temporarily protrude.)

While nearly half of all women have a visible degree of breast asymmetry, a marked difference in breast size can be a warning sign of insufficient milk, especially when the smaller breast does not enlarge much in pregnancy or when the milk comes in. Cosmetic and diagnostic breast surgery, particularly procedures that involve a surgical incision at the margin of the areola — can also put moms at an increased risk for an insufficient milk supply as these incisions may sever the milk ducts.

Every woman should have a prenatal breast exam by her obstetrical care practitioner, both to detect and diagnose breast lumps, as well as to screen for variations that may adversely affect breastfeeding. If risk factors are identified, your doctor can refer you to a lactation consultant for assistance. Fortunately, lactation is a very robust process, and most women are capable of producing more than enough milk to nourish their babies.

Switch ‘Em Up

Myth #3: Babies should nurse about the same time on each breast at each feeding.

Fact: New mothers are often advised to nurse their infants for “10 to 15 minutes on each side,” which implies that feedings should be timed and that babies take about the same amount of milk from each breast at each feeding, which is seldom true. Not only do individual babies display highly variable breastfeeding styles, but the same baby can have different nursing patterns, depending upon whether she is ravenously hungry or nursing for comfort.

Babies don’t take equal amounts of milk from each breast at a feeding — most infants nurse more vigorously at the first breast and obtain about two-thirds of the milk for the feeding from that side. Because less milk is taken from the second breast, it’s recommended to alternate the side on which feedings are begun. Although the milk a baby obtains at the beginning of a feeding is relatively low in fat, the fat content steadily increases throughout the session. So it’s important to nurse on the first breast until it’s well-drained (for at least ten minutes) to give your baby access to the rich, high-fat hind milk.

Some experts recommend staying on one breast for the whole feeding to get more of the hind milk, but I’ve found the majority of infants thrive best when nursing from both breasts. This is because your baby can get the greatest amount of milk within the first ten minutes on one breast. When she starts to suck less vigorously on the first side or begins to doze off, you can burp her, change her diaper, and arouse her for the second side. Let her stay on this side as long as she wants, although she will likely drain less milk and may fall asleep.

As babies get older and the milk ejection reflex (the “let-down”) becomes well conditioned, many learn to nurse very efficiently, taking the bulk of their feeding in only four to seven minutes per breast. If you’d like to leave her on one breast longer to access more hind milk, then give it a try. But if there’s any concern that your baby isn’t eating enough, it’s more important to switch to the second side for the greater volume of milk.

Talk to your doctor or lactation consultant if your baby has either very brief (less than 10 minutes total) or very long (more than 50 minutes) feeding sessions, as either may be cause for concern.

A Well-Fed Baby

Myth #4: You can’t tell how much milk a baby gets when breastfeeding.

Fact: It’s true that the breasts don’t have calibrations to allow a mother to know how much milk her baby takes when nursing. While a pediatrician can tell if an infant is getting enough milk by monitoring weight gain (a thriving baby should gain approximately one ounce a day for the first three months of life), new moms must rely on indirect measurements. In the newborn period (the first month of life), the following signs indicate that a baby is eating enough: four or more yellow, seedy bowel movements; six to eight wet diapers daily; and eight to twelve feedings a day. Other signs of successful breastfeeding are: rhythmic suckling and audible swallowing; the mother’s sense of let-down or evidence of dripping milk; a decrease in breast fullness at the end of a feeding session; and apparent infant satisfaction after nursing.

If problems arise, new moms should know that there’s also an additional tool to evaluate breastfeeding. Known as infant feeding test-weights, the technique involves weighing an infant on a highly accurate electronic scale before and after a breastfeeding session. The change in the baby’s pre- and post-feeding weight represents the quantity of milk he has consumed. So if the infant’s weight increases by two ounces after a feeding, you can assume that he’s just taken two ounces of milk. Keep in mind that for this procedure to be accurate, the infant must be weighed in the same clothing for the pre- and post-feed weights. If the baby has a bowel movement or wets during the measured feeding session, the test-weight will still be accurate, provided you don’t change the baby’s diaper.

While new moms can have a test-weight at a pediatrician’s or lactation consultant’s office, this reliable method can also be performed at home, with a highly-accurate rental baby scale. These portable, user-friendly, electronic scales are available from lactation consultants and pump rental stations.

Mothers of high-risk babies such as twins, preterm infants, or babies with birth defects can use a rental scale to take the guesswork out of breastfeeding an at-risk infant. (In many instances, insurance will cover the cost.) But it’s also an option for moms who want additional reassurance about their nursing progress. Of course, test-weights taken at home should be discussed with your baby’s doctor and jointly interpreted with her. Even if you don’t rent a scale, it’s important to know that you can call your pediatrician’s office — as often as you like — and request to take your baby in to be weighed so you can monitor her growth.

Nursing’s Not a Nuisance

Myth #5: If you had trouble breastfeeding your first baby, you can expect to have problems with the second.

Fact: Contrary to what many people assume, a mother’s breastfeeding experience is not necessarily similar with each of her babies. For example, a woman’s personal health and well-being, knowledge and experience, access to expert help at the hospital, and practical assistance at home can vary with the birth of each child. Even more important, each baby differs in size and maturity, medical status, and innate skill in latching on to the breast correctly and nursing effectively. If you had an unsatisfying breastfeeding experience with a previous baby, chances are excellent that you can enjoy a positive outcome this time around.

Begin by becoming as knowledgeable as possible about breastfeeding, reading printed materials, and attending a prenatal breastfeeding class with your partner. Review your past experience with your physician or a lactation consultant who can identify risk factors in you or your baby and help you avoid a recurrence of the problem. For example, latch-on difficulties are a common cause of severe sore nipples and inadequate breastfeeding. Often these problems can be averted by obtaining skilled bedside assistance in the hospital and, if possible, delaying the introduction of a pacifier or bottle until your baby is at least 1 month of age.

Opt for continuous rooming-in to allow you to promptly respond to your baby’s feeding cues and give him lots of practice in latching on. Arrange for an early follow-up visit within two days of hospital discharge; your pediatrician can provide a referral to a lactation consultant if necessary. This early follow-up can be invaluable in identifying problems before the milk supply has been compromised or a baby has lost excessive weight. You can also obtain an electric breast pump to remove residual milk after some feedings which will build up your supply and give you surplus milk for use later. Mother-to-mother support, available from La Leche League or peer counselors, can help as well.

Bottles Aren’t All Bad

Myth #6: If a baby doesn’t breastfeed well, giving a bottle will only make things worse.

Fact: There is some truth to this statement. Regularly giving a bottle to a breastfed newborn can interfere with the breastfeeding law of supply and demand. A mother’s milk supply is dependent on her baby’s active suckling; without it, she’ll produce less milk. Because an artificial nipple can be grasped easily by an infant and milk flows readily from a bottle, a newborn may initially find it easier than nursing. This phenomenon, which can further undermine attempts at breastfeeding, has been dubbed “nipple confusion.” While studies do confirm a link between the early use of artificial nipples by nursing infants and a shortened duration of breastfeeding, the widespread publicity about “nipple confusion” has led to exaggerated fears about giving even a single bottle to a breastfed newborn.

Troubled breastfeeding, however, calls for special measures. If a newborn loses too much weight, your doctor or lactation consultant may recommended supplemental milk by bottle to provide adequate nutrition and keep the baby healthy. At this point, it’s essential to begin pumping after feedings to increase your supply. The supplemental milk can be either pumped breast milk or formula.

As the baby starts gaining weight and the mother’s milk supply increases with the additional stimulation and drainage provided by the pump, the baby’s efforts at direct breastfeeding will become more effective. Once breastfeeding is well-established, many babies can go back and forth between the breast and a bottle of expressed milk without any difficulties.

The Truth About Breast Pain

Myth #7: Severe sore nipples are always caused by incorrect breastfeeding technique.

Fact: It’s true that improper infant attachment to the breast and incorrect infant suckling are leading causes of nipple pain and damaged skin. The most common mistake is a shallow infant latch-on, where the baby grasps only the tip of the nipple, rather than the entire nipple plus at least an inch of surrounding areola. An improper latch-on means that the baby is removing less milk from the breast, which in turn can cause production to decline. This can lead to painful nursing, as the baby has to work harder and longer to get more milk. Nipple pain can also inhibit a woman’s let-down, making it harder to release milk.

But a faulty latch-on is not the only cause of chronic or severe nipple pain: Infection may be another culprit. Once there is a crack in the skin of the nipple, the area can easily become infected by bacteria or yeast. Without treatment (oral antibiotics for bacterial infections or an anti-fungal medication for yeast infections), soreness will persist. Your doctor can diagnose and treat infected nipple wounds, while a lactation consultant can offer expert help with correct latch-on. In addition to these measures, moisture-retaining hydrogel dressings that are made for breastfeeding mothers can help provide cooling comfort for sore nipples while the underlying cause is being treated. Similarly, ultra-pure lanolin can help soothe and promote the healing of nipple wounds.

If an infected nipple is not treated, it can lead to mastitis, a painful breast infection that occurs in about ten percent of lactating mothers. It causes pain and redness in the affected breast and flu-like symptoms. Mastitis should be diagnosed promptly and treated with antibiotics; ibuprofen can be given for pain.

Do not stop breastfeeding if you have mastitis as this can lead to a breast abscess, an extremely painful localized pocket of pus that requires drainage. Unless your baby is premature or hospitalized, it’s considered safe to continue breastfeeding (or pumping if it’s too painful) from the affected side. If the milk looks discolored or bloody, you can pump and discard the milk for a day or two until it appears normal, and give the baby formula.

The memory of breastfeeding my own children ranks among my most enjoyable and nostalgic parenting experiences, and I count it a privilege to help today’s generation of mothers and babies share the benefits and rewards of breastfeeding. I have learned that breastfeeding success not only requires skilled practical assistance and emotional support, it also involves replacing mistaken popular beliefs with accurate and empowering information.

As parents, we want our children to grow up to be good, kind people who are happy and successful. But while “values” is a popular buzzword these days, we’re not always sure of the best way to give our kids the solid foundation they need to withstand the inevitable growing pains and stresses of life.

While certain traits are inborn  – some kids are naturally more optimistic or persistent, for instance  – there are several different ways that you can help your child develop other desirable emotional skills.

Show Your Love

When a child feels valued, he’s more likely to want to become the best person he can be. Even a baby is more likely to be eager to please, more attentive, and more cooperative if he’s securely attached. The opposite is true too: As your youngster gets older, he’s more likely to rebel if you’re constantly criticizing him for not being thoughtful or honest.

So let him know how special he is by spending time alone with him each day. With a toddler, it could be as simple as spending a half hour together playing and reading. With your school-age kids, such shared activities as preparing a meal, shooting hoops, or going out for ice cream together can help you stay connected.

Practice What You Preach

Children watch the way we handle our emotions, and how we interact with other people and solve problems. And what they see is usually a more persuasive lesson than anything we say. Whatever the situation, ask yourself, “How would I want my child to behave?” and try to act accordingly. And make sure she has opportunities to see you doing positive things in everyday situations, such as thanking a relative or helping a neighbor.

Help Him Sort Out His Emotions

Understanding one’s own feelings is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence (or EQ, as it’s popularly known). A child who can identify his anger (for example) will be able to handle it better and may even be able to calm himself down. Recognizing feelings sounds simple, but it can be tricky  – even for adults. After all, how many of us are guilty of yelling at our kids in situations where we were actually afraid that they’d hurt themselves?

A youngster who can do this successfully is also better able to identify other peoples’ emotions and empathize with them. To help yours get into the habit of thinking about his feelings, describe the ones you see him expressing. For example, say, “I see you kicking the ground and looking angry. Do you want to talk about what’s upsetting you?” Don’t negate them (“You’re not that tired”) or convey mixed messages about your own (“I said I’m not mad!”). This can confuse him and make it more difficult for him to correctly interpret his own (and others’) emotions.

Praise Good Behavior

Complimenting your child when she does something admirable is far more effective in promoting positive values than berating her for doing something wrong. Show her how proud you are of her actions  – whether it’s telling the truth or sharing a toy  – by praising her in front of the whole family.

It’s also important to encourage her to feel proud of her good deeds; eventually, her own satisfaction, rather than your praise, will be her motivation for doing positive things.

Tell Tales

Another effective way to teach social and emotional skills is through stories. The simplicity and repetition of many children’s books and movies help kids remember such eternal verities as being kind to others and persevering in the face of adversity. Role playing with dolls or puppets can also help young kids express their feelings. And telling stories from your youth lets older children learn that you once faced the same quandaries they may be experiencing now.

Helping Little Ones Grow

With these general principles in mind, parents can work with their child in developing important values and “people skills.” Here are some specific strategies for encouraging them in your youngster.

Empathy

The ability to assume someone else’s point of view comes naturally for most children (even toddlers will attempt to comfort another child in distress). But it’s a skill that must be nurtured.

When you respond promptly to your baby’s needs, you’re actually teaching him empathy. Infants who are cuddled, loved, and cared for  – in short, whose emotional needs are consistently met  – are likely to readily demonstrate caring behavior when they get older. (By contrast, toddlers who have been abused may be more apt to hit a crying playmate.)

Once your baby is talking, start to boost his emotional vocabulary. When he starts to whine or cry when you leave the playground, for instance, give him the words he needs to describe his feelings. You could say, “I know it makes you sad when we have to go home. But when we get there, we can fingerpaint.” Talk about what a character might be thinking in the books you read together. Encourage your toddler to use word pictures: “Happy as a bunny in a lettuce patch,” “mad as a raging bull,” or “silly as a circus clown.” You can turn this into a game, by conveying various emotions only through body language and facial expression. Little ones will get a kick out of imitating you. You can also try to get toddlers to see things from another person’s point of view (“How would you feel if Tommy didn’t share toys with you?”).

Generosity

Children naturally tend to be self-centered and preoccupied with their own needs and wants. With a little nudging, however, they can learn how good it can be to share things with people.

Your example provides a strong model. My kids still remember an incident that occurred long ago, when they were preschoolers. We were getting gas when we noticed a homeless person at the station. At first, my children were frightened. But when I offered the man a sandwich and soda, and they saw how happy that made him, they realized that this was a person in need  – not someone dangerous or scary.

When you contribute to a worthwhile cause, you’re teaching your child the value of generosity. But even the simple act of helping a neighbor can make a difference  – and can show her that giving includes both material possessions and time and energy.

There’s no reason why kids can’t learn this lesson early. A 3-year-old can help you select some clothes she’s outgrown or toys she’d like to donate to needy children. Praise her whenever you see her perform a generous act  – whether it’s sharing her playthings with her baby brother or, when she’s older, contributing some of her allowance to charity.

Chores are also a good way to get your child used to thinking about the greater good; when she helps sort socks or load the dishwasher, she learns that it can be satisfying to do things for her family.

Problem-Solving

Learning to solve problems is a critical part of growing up and becoming more self-sufficient. Frequently, though, when our children are very young, our natural desire is to step in and ease their frustration. But even an older baby can handle some challenges  – a toy that’s just out of reach, for example  – and learn something valuable in the process.

Blocks, simple puzzles, shape sorters  – toys like these are the first step in teaching little ones how to find solutions. If your toddler is easily overwhelmed when he can’t find the right puzzle piece, wait a few seconds and then suggest that the two of you finish it together.

Involving an older child in such family discussions as where to go on vacation or how best to resolve a conflict enables him to see the various steps involved in reaching a decision. Invite him to come up with several recommendations, and evaluate the pros and cons of each before everyone helps choose the best solution.

Optimism

The way we view setbacks is important. Optimists attribute failure to something they can change, rather than something beyond their control, and they search for answers instead of dwelling on problems. Since they feel more in control of their lives, they’re less prone to depression and are frequently more successful, at school or at work.

There are some studies that suggest optimists are born, not made, but you can influence your child’s temperament. Even if you’re not the sunniest person, try to make a habit of pointing out the positive side in every situation, and avoid the use of words like always or never (“We’ll never get this house cleaned up” or “It always rains on our vacation”).

Another way to brighten your youngster’s outlook is to encourage her to see the humor in everyday life. Try to defuse tense situations  – such as a potential argument with your kids or your partner  – with a good-natured remark or joke.

Perserverance

The ability to keep on trying even when faced with difficult challenges is a skill that researchers have linked to increased confidence, responsibility, and healthy risk-taking.

Overly high expectations  – whether yours or your child’s  – can undermine perseverance. Teach him that false starts are okay, and that not everything has to be perfect. Don’t be too quick to criticize mistakes, and don’t forget to point out what was right about the whole project (maybe he spelled his name wrong, but the drawing of the house was well done). Classic children’s stories like The Little Engine That Could are also reminders about the rewards of sticking with something in the face of adversity.

Patience, which plays a big role in perseverance, is also an important skill, and routines are a way to teach it to toddlers and preschoolers. Just knowing that the playground visit follows getting dressed gives little ones the motivation they need (at least on most days) to be able to wait for the activity they like best. Another way is to offer your child a reward for his patience. If he interrupts you when you’re on the telephone, set up a timer and say, “If you sit quietly and play by yourself, I’ll play with you when this goes off.”

Respect for Others

Once again, being a good role model is a direct way to teach kids this skill. Show respect not only for yourself but for everyone else as well. Never use pejorative terms when referring to other people, and don’t shout at, belittle, or criticize your child, even with pet names, such as “slowpoke.” A child who receives respect will know how to show it to others.

Don’t tolerate name-calling or put-downs among siblings (kids often criticize others as a way to make themselves feel more powerful and important). Ask your youngster to do things rather than ordering her around, and get into the habit of saying “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” while she’s still a baby.

Finally, show your child that you respect her opinions by allowing her to express them, even in cases where they don’t jibe with your own.

Honesty

Preschoolers generally have a hard time distinguishing between fantasies and lies, and may tell imaginary tales without meaning to be deceptive. Between the ages of 5 and 7, though, most kids understand that lying is wrong. They may lie to avoid punishment or responsibility, or because they want to make themselves look better.

Avoid putting your little one in a situation where he is tempted to lie. When you find him with telltale crumbs on his face, don’t ask if he took a cookie from the table. Instead, state the obvious: “I see you ate a cookie after I told you not to touch them.” Then tell him that this means he can’t have one after dinner. When he’s truthful about something he’s done wrong, praise him.

But if you catch your child in a lie, try to stay calm. Overreaction can teach him to lie again to avoid your anger. And don’t label him a “liar,” since that may compel him to fulfill your expectation. Instead, forgive him, and say you trust him to do the right thing the next time.

And try to be as truthful as you can yourself. When our kids hear us tell even the smallest “white lie,” like saying we have previous plans in order to avoid accepting an invitation, we unwittingly devalue the importance of honesty. Although partial truths are sometimes necessary  – you needn’t go into all the details of why you lost your job, say  – do your best to minimize the use of deception in everyday conversation. For example, don’t tell your child that “we’re almost there” when you’ve still got halfway to go on your road trip. Instead say, “It’s going to be a while longer, but we can stop soon and get a snack if you like.”

Research now suggests that a person’s EQ may be a factor in predicting later success and personal satisfaction. So helping their kids develop people skills and positive character traits is one of the best investments parents can make. But there’s more to it than that. Just knowing that you’ve raised a kind, generous, decent child can be the most gratifying reward of all.