The Use and Misuse of Rewards

The effective use of tangible rewards and social reinforcers can be powerful incentives for shaping children’s behavior. Rewarding desired behavior promotes learning and helps parents focus on what their child does right, instead of reacting to misbehavior. Positive reinforcement can be highly effective in establishing a new pattern of behavior, like learning to use the potty, staying in bed all night, completing chores, or practicing an instrument.

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®
Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

The following strategies will help you choose and use rewards effectively:

· Model for your child the ultimate reward of self-discipline and self-satisfaction that results from sustained effort and a job well done. Observing your example and hearing your self-affirmations help your child appreciate that internal motivation is more important than external rewards, “I’m glad I’m taking a computer class because I’m learning so much,” “Boy, I sure feel good about cleaning up the garage.”

· Identify what type of reward would be an incentive for your child (her currency). Most children are motivated simply by social rewards, including smiles, hugs, authentic praise, positive attention, or an activity with you. Such affirmations raise your child’s sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Occasional tangible rewards—like toys, treats, stickers, money, special activities, or extra privileges—also can be effective motivators. Concrete rewards should always be accompanied by your specific praise, attention, and expressions of affection.

· Timing is the key to the effectiveness of positive reinforcement. The younger the child, the sooner the reward must be given to the desired behavior, for example offering effusive praise and an M & M when your toddler uses the potty. Preschoolers will need a daily reward at first to promote a new behavior, such as an extra story for getting ready for bed without protesting. Late preschoolers and early elementary children enjoy the visual reward of documenting their progress on a prominent Reward Chart, using stars or happy face stickers. The chart can be coupled with a weekly reward, such as a special outing or small toy, for accumulated points.

· Consistently offer rewards to help jump start a desired behavior; then gradually decrease the frequency and predictability of rewards. Positive reinforcement is for learning, not maintaining a behavior. After the desired behavior is learned, providing intermittent, unpredictable reinforcement will make the behavior more likely to persist, “Way to go! You are becoming very responsible.” Eventually, the child’s self-satisfaction and self-approval should be sufficient reward for consistently maintaining the expected behavior.

Potential Pitfalls of Rewards

While the use of rewards can be very effective, avoid these drawbacks:

· The overuse of material rewards can cause some children to expect a pay-off for every positive behavior, “What will you give me for cleaning my room?” This attitude will sabotage your ultimate goal of having your child develop self-motivation and self-approval.

· Excessive praise can cause a child to become overly dependent on the approval of others, rather than learning to draw her own conclusions about her worth and competence, “Look, I picked up my toys! Do you like my picture?” You can help your child learn to affirm herself by inviting her to assess her own performance, “Tell me about your picture,” “How does it feel to have a clean room?”

· Using rewards sometimes backfires because children may associate rewards with being coerced to do something they don’t like. For example, too much praise for eating his vegetables can make your child conclude that vegetables must be unpleasant to eat.

· Children who feel ignored often misbehave as a way to get their parents’ undivided attention. Even negative attention can feel like a reward, thereby reinforcing misbehavior. To break this pattern, give your child plenty of one-on-one positive attention, and consistently reward desired behavior.

Rewards vs Bribes

Rewards are positive incentives that celebrate and promote desired behavior, while bribes are used to avoid or stop misbehavior. Bribes tend to be offered when parents are feeling stressed and manipulated and often involve an advance pay-off, in hopes of producing the desired behavior, “Okay, I’ll buy you gum if you agree not to ask for anything else,” or “All right, I’ll let you finish watching this program, if you promise to do all your homework afterwards.” Bribes give children too much power and often produce the opposite result than you had hoped.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

Helping Children Cope with Grief and Loss

A child may experience grief and loss due to the death of a family member, close friend, or beloved pet; parental separation or divorce; military deployment of a parent; move from familiar surroundings; diagnosis of a chronic illness; or other life-altering event. Parents often underestimate the impact of loss on children, who have fewer coping skills than adults.

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®
Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

The following strategies can help your child experience emotional healing in the face of adversity, develop resilience, and accept that death and loss are part of the cycle of life:

Offer your example. Your own grief response has a major effect on how your child reacts to loss. Your openness in sharing your thoughts and feelings during times of loss shows your child how to express painful emotions in a healthy way. Emphasize that you will be there for her as your family copes with the loss together. Seeking help for your own grief will enable you to be more emotionally available to your hurting child.

Listen and ask questions. Create an emotional atmosphere of warmth, acceptance, and understanding to help your child feel safe sharing her sadness, fear, anxiety, or anger. Explain that you want to know what your child is feeling and how you can help her. Often, young children will express concern about who will care for them, take them to school, etc. They may believe that their negative thoughts, words, or feelings have caused their parents’ divorce or a person’s death. Reassure your child that she did not cause the death or loss, could not have prevented it, and cannot do anything to bring the person back.

Consider your child’s age. Tailor your explanation to your child’s age and developmental level. Use simple terms and give honest, accurate information. Explain that the person has died and won’t be coming back. Ask your child what she understands about the situation so you can correct misperceptions. Avoid the use of euphemisms, such as “sleep,” when discussing death, as this can be highly confusing to young children and create fear about going to sleep. Similarly, saying a deceased person has “departed” or “gone from us” makes it sound like they will return again. Be patient when young children repeat the same questions as they try to grasp the finality of the situation. Remember to offer liberal hugs, cuddles, and physical expressions of your love amid the crisis.

Allow children to attend the funeral or memorial service. The decision whether to have a young child participate in a funeral service is an individual one. If your child will attend the funeral, prepare her for what to expect, and support her throughout the process. Explain that the service is a celebration of the loved one’s life and a way to comfort one another. Allow your child to help plan or participate in the service, if desired. Let her decide whether or not she wants to view the body.

Recognize that grief is a process and hard work. Everyone grieves in their own way, and each child has a unique style of coping. There is no orderly pattern or specific timetable for navigating the stages of grief that eventually lead to acceptance and readjustment. Look for children’s books that deal with loss, and allow young children to act out the event in dramatic play. Maintain a normal routine, including reassuring bedtime rituals, to give your child essential structure and stability through the grieving process. Remind her that her feelings of hurt and loss won’t last forever. Be prepared for her grief reaction to resurface at holidays, anniversaries or during times of other loses.

Share your spiritual beliefs about death and loss. Share your Christian beliefs about death and loss in simple terms. You can explain that people go to be with God after they die and remain forever under God’s loving care. Explain that God doesn’t make bad things happen and that God shares our sorrow and comforts us when we are sad. Help your child appreciate that our loved one will live on in our memories and invite her to commemorate their life by drawing a picture, making a scrapbook or photo album, planting a tree, or writing a poem.

Seek professional help. If your child displays severe or prolonged emotional, behavioral or learning problems after a loss, or complains of health problems, ask your pediatrician for a referral for professional help.

Common Behaviors among Children Experiencing a Loss

Children who experience a significant loss may display a wide variety of grief reactions, including:

• Regression, such as clingy behavior, needing to be rocked or held, or wanting to sleep in the parent’s bed.
• Sadness, crying, withdrawal, or lack of interest in usual activities and play.
• Fear and anxiety, including separation anxiety.
• Poor school performance and difficulty concentrating.
• Difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, or physical complaints such as headaches and stomachaches.
• Acting out behavior, including irritability and angry outbursts.

Children’s Understanding of Death

A child’s ability to understand the concept of death varies by age, maturity level, life experiences, and faith beliefs.

Infants and Toddlers. While children under two years have no concept of death, they react to separation from their caretaking adults and notice when their caretakers are sad.

Preschoolers. Preschoolers do not understand the finality of death and think it is reversible or temporary. They may repeatedly ask when the deceased person is coming back. Because they believe their negative thoughts have power, they may feel responsible when something bad happens.

6 to 10 years. School-aged children can understand the finality of death, but tend to think it happens to others.

Pre-teens and Teens. Older children and youth understand that death happens to everyone. They often seek comfort from peers, as well as their family.

Box: Rainbows (www.rainbows.org) is an international, not-for-profit organization that fosters emotional healing among grieving children and their families. Many churches sponsor Rainbows Support Groups.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

Did You Know There are Different Discipline Styles for Different Children?

With only a verbal reminder, your nine year-old daughter starts cleaning her room or doing her homework. But when you tell her younger brother to put his toys away or get dressed for school, he ignores your repeated requests and stalls or argues until you get angry and over-react. Then, he accuses you of picking on him and favoring his sister. Why is one child more difficult to discipline than another?

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®
Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

Each child is born with core personality traits that make up their unique temperament, which is further shaped by daily interactions with parents and others. Research has identified nine traits of temperament, which can be clustered into three main categories: easy (flexible); slow to warm up (cautious); and difficult (active or feisty). Common traits among children with a “difficult” or challenging temperament include: stubborn resistance to rules and limits, highly sensitive, extremely emotional, very active, and a predominantly negative mood.

Understanding each child’s individual temperament and learning effective ways to respond to their behavior can improve your relationship, promote family harmony, and boost your child’s self-esteem. The following insights can help:

• Your own good example and positive reinforcement—by encouraging and complimenting effort and desired behavior–is the most effective way to inspire cooperation among children of all temperaments.

• While an eager-to-please, “easy” child may need little more than a simple, polite request to gain her cooperation, a difficult or strong-willed child learns by testing the rules and experiencing–not just hearing about–consequences. Use a few clear words to state the limit, “Don’t throw the ball in the house.” When he disobeys, forego giving warnings or explanations, and let an immediate consequence do the teaching, as you calmly pick up the ball and put it away.

• If your child’s temperament includes high distractibility and/or low persistence at a task, don’t expect him to be able to clean his room or complete his homework all at once. Instead, break assignments into step-by-step segments, such as picking up his dirty clothes or writing a single paragraph, to help him succeed. Set a kitchen timer to signal regular breaks, and periodically compliment his efforts and progress.

• If your child’s temperament involves reacting intensely and dramatically to difficult emotions– such as anger, anxiety or fear—don’t rush in to calm and appease his emotional outbursts, as this only teaches him to manipulate others by his emotional intensity. Instead, help him learn to recognize strong feelings like anger, fear or frustration and use healthy coping skills, like self-talk and deep breathing, to moderate his reactions.

• A loud, stern command may be necessary to prevent an energetic, impulsive child from hitting his playmate, while the slightest reprimand can be upsetting to a very shy, sensitive child. The first child needs help curbing impulsive behavior, while the other needs gentle encouragement to more assertively express her needs and wants.

• Be patient with your “slow to warm up” child who’s apprehensive about starting a new preschool. Don’t convey that one temperament type is preferable to another by comparing her to her socially outgoing sibling who can’t wait to meet new friends.

• Have realistic expectations about how long your highly active child can sit still without becoming fidgety or rambunctious. Reward him for increasing periods of time playing or working quietly. Don’t punish an energetic child by withdrawing privileges that involve physical activity, as this may only make his behavior worse.

When Children Exclaim, “No Fair!”

Your “difficult” child may accuse you of being unfair when you impose an immediate time-out for his disrespectful back talk, while giving your “easy” child a warning. Clarify that you deeply love and cherish each child and that:

• Each has his or her own learning style. Some children learn rules and expectations just by hearing words, and others learn best by experiencing consequences. You use the most effective techniques to help each child learn to make good choices.

• Each child has special strengths to be celebrated and areas where they need your encouragement and guidance to grow.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

Looking for Ways to Feed your Breastfed Baby with a Bottle?

Some breastfed newborns and infants will have a medical need for supplemental milk (expressed breast milk, donor milk or infant formula) before breastfeeding is well established. In most instances, this extra milk is fed to the baby in a bottle. When a baby breastfeeds, she coordinates her breathing with sucking and swallowing. During bottle-feeding, however, she may need to hold her breath against the rapid flow of milk. While breastfed babies are better able to control milk flow as they nurse, the flow of milk from a bottle largely depends on gravity and the size of the nipple opening. Some breastfed babies have trouble adjusting to the rapid flow of milk when they drink from a bottle.

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®
Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

If your breastfed baby temporarily needs to take some milk by bottle, the following breastfeeding-friendly tips can make it easier for her to switch between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding and control the flow of milk from the bottle.

• Instead of holding your baby in a semi-reclining position, position her nearly upright on your lap, supporting her back and shoulders with your hand. Your baby should be able to see your face. You can also hold your baby in the crook of your elbow, but keep her head supported and upright.

• Use a slower flowing nipple. A healthy, vigorous baby can take her feeding all too rapidly from a bottle, which can cause her to over-eat or swallow excessive air. While some breastfed babies are overwhelmed by the rapid flow of milk from a bottle, others develop a preference for the ease of bottle-feeding over breastfeeding. A slower-flow nipple will give your baby more sucking time and allow her to pace the feeding at a more appropriate rate.

• Lightly stroke your baby’s upper lip with the nipple and wait until she opens her mouth wide, similar to breastfeeding. When she opens her mouth, gently introduce the nipple and touch it against the midpoint of the roof of her mouth to stimulate sucking. (If your baby resists taking the bottle, see the tips below).

• Hold the bottle as horizontally as possible—rather than vertically—to avoid excessive milk flow. As the feeding progresses, watch your baby’s cues and pace the feeding accordingly. If your baby begins to gulp milk, allow her to pause, rest, and catch her breath, just as she does with breastfeeding. You also can twist and remove the nipple from your baby’s mouth from time to time or tilt the bottle more horizontally so that less milk fills the nipple.

• Pause to burp your baby part-way through the feeding to release swallowed air. Stay attuned to your baby throughout the feeding, and let her set the pace for how rapidly she takes her milk and how much she drinks. Your baby should be able to take her feeding by bottle within 15 – 20 minutes. If she takes longer than 20 minutes, the nipple flow may be too slow. This will only frustrate her and cause her to work extra hard for her feeding.

• Don’t over-feed your baby. The amount of milk you offer in the bottle will vary depending on your baby’s age and how frequently she nurses. In the first 48 hours of life, your baby may drink only ½ oz. of milk at a breastfeeding. This volume rapidly increases to about 2 oz. per feeding by the end of the first week, and 3 to 4 ounces within a month or so. Just as you interpret your baby’s hunger cues, it is important to respect the signs that she is full. Don’t encourage her to finish a bottle if she appears satisfied. If your baby regularly gets larger feedings when drinking from a bottle than she takes when breastfeeding, she may develop a preference for bottle-feeding.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

How to Introduce a Bottle to Your Breastfed Baby

By choice or necessity, most breastfeeding moms these days will express their milk, either occasionally or regularly. If your baby ever needs to drink your expressed breast milk, she most likely will take it from a bottle. Young babies (under about seven months of age) require liberal sucking, both for emotional gratification and for proper development of their palate, jaw, and the muscles of their face, lips, and tongue.

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®

Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

If you expect to be separated from your baby (for example, due to work or school) and plan to feed your expressed breast milk by bottle, you should begin to introduce your baby to bottle-feeding once breastfeeding is going well. Some breastfed babies accept a bottle easily, while others are very resistant to a new method of feeding. The following suggestions may be helpful in encouraging your baby to accept a bottle:

• Plan a time when you can devote ten to fifteen uninterrupted minutes to bottle-feeding. Your baby will feel pressured if you are rushed.

• Choose a time when your baby is alert and slightly hungry so she will be motivated to learn a new way to receive milk. On the other hand, avoid offering a bottle when your baby is ravenous. An upset, frantically hungry baby will be in no mood to try something new.

• Offer your freshly expressed milk, so the taste will be familiar to your baby. Sometimes expressed milk acquires an unpleasant taste during freezing. If your milk has been refrigerated, warm the bottle first, taking care not to overheat the milk.

• There is no particular bottle-nipple combo that works best for every baby. Generally, a slow-flow nipple is preferred so that your baby does not guzzle her milk. If she uses a pacifier, she might prefer a nipple with a similar shape. Stick with one type of nipple for several days. Trying numerous different nipples may just confuse your baby.

• Your baby may accept a bottle more readily if an alternate caregiver (such as your husband or partner) offers it to her. If you try to feed her with a bottle, your baby may protest and turn toward your breast to nurse. On the other hand, she may actually accept the bottle more willingly when she is in your arms and is reassured by your voice. There is no single position that works for every baby. Some babies prefer to be facing you, while others prefer to face away from you, and some like to sit in the crook of your arm. It may even depend on who is giving the bottle.

• Stay calm when offering a bottle to your baby. At first she may resist your efforts by turning away, grimacing or making a face, or pushing the nipple away with her tongue. Don’t force the bottle at any time, and discontinue your efforts if your baby starts to get upset.

• Go slowly and gently, first touching your baby’s top lip with the nipple and watching her reaction. Do not force the nipple past her lips. Instead, let her draw the nipple into her mouth at her own pace.

• Drip a little milk from the nipple onto your baby’s lips or tongue. Remove the nipple before she protests. Keep a smile on your face and keep talking in a reassuring tone the whole time. Babies are keen observers of their mothers’ and caretakers’ facial expressions and take their cues from them.

• Patiently wait for your baby to explore or draw the nipple into her mouth. Slowly guide the nipple toward the roof of her mouth, being careful not to go straight back, as this may cause her to gag. Keep smiling and offer reassuring words in a calming voice.

• If your baby starts to get upset, try to calm her by talking in a soothing voice. Wait until she starts to settle before you remove the nipple from her lips. Avoid letting her get very upset and then immediately taking the nipple away. This will teach her that if she protests enough, you will remove the nipple. It is better to withdraw the nipple before she becomes upset or to try to calm her with your voice before you remove the nipple.

• Don’t spend more than ten to fifteen minutes on this process and stop sooner if you or your baby becomes frustrated. It is better to end the session on a positive note and try again tomorrow.

• Most importantly, don’t be discouraged. You can take comfort in knowing that countless women have managed to entice their breastfed babies to accept a bottle. While the same techniques are not necessarily effective for every mother and baby, something always works. You will find a solution too!

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

Many well-intentioned parents over-indulge their children in a misguided attempt to help them feel loved and special. However, daily giving in to children’s whims and wants prevents them from learning to handle frustration and develop self-control, respect, and cooperation. Furthermore, children of pushover parents, who are given too much family power, become anxious, fearful, angry and insecure due to lack of effective leadership.

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®

Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

If your child has too much control over daily family activities–such as refusing to get dressed for school, insisting that you prepare a special meal for her, demanding that a particular parent lay down with her at bedtime, or provoking power struggles over minor parental requests–the following strategies can help you restore family harmony and become a loving leader.

• Make a strong commitment to change, so you don’t revert to your former and familiar parenting style when your child vigorously resists your initial efforts to become an effective leader. Caving in when she escalates her power ploys will only provoke more outrageous behavior.

• Provide essential structure in your family by implementing daily order and routine. Children gain a comforting sense of security and control—making them less power hungry and more compliant–when they experience a predictable sequence of events in their day.

• Stop catering to your child’s wants or demands, or being overly attentive to her day-to-day feelings of frustration and disappointment. Don’t give too many choices or multiple chances, or explain or negotiate every parental decision. Do not overreact to her pleading, pouting, emotional meltdowns, or accusations that you are “mean” or “unfair.”

• Establish firm limits and boundaries. Without appropriate limits, children feel anxious and will keep challenging your authority to see where your boundaries lie. During a calm, pre-planned discussion–using a friendly, firm tone—explain your new family rules and expectations. Then, expect your child to test your new limits frequently, as you repeatedly show her that the family rules are no longer flexible.

• Offer acceptable choices throughout your child’s day to help instill a healthy sense of personal power and promote cooperation, “It’s time to get dressed for preschool. Would you like to walk to your room or race me?” or “It’s time to pick up your toys. Do you want to do it yourself, or would you like me to help?” If she declines both options, repeat “What were the choices? Sounds like you want me to choose for you.”

• When making a parental request, use a positive, confident, supportive tone that encourages cooperation, “Hey Sweetie, the TV is too loud. I need you to turn the volume down.” If your child fails to promptly comply with your request, come close to her, make eye contact, and re-state your request using a no-nonsense tone, “Amanda, I just said you need to turn the TV down. If I have to remind you again, I will turn it off and send you to your room for a time-out.” If your child still doesn’t obey your request, keep your feelings in check, maintain a neutral attitude, and let your actions confirm your leadership and authority, as you calmly turn the television off and escort her to her room.

• Do not negotiate with your child if she protests the consequence you impose, “Please, I was going to turn it down. I promise I won’t let it get too loud again.” Instead, remain calm and focus on her behavior, as you re-state the consequence, “You didn’t do what I asked, and now the TV needs to stay off while you take a time-out.” If your child resists, do not become emotional or engage in a power struggle by raising your voice, threatening, arguing, or debating. Simply walk her to her room and calmly repeat, “You need to take a time-out until I come get you.”

Recommended reading about correcting an imbalance of family power

Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm by Beth Grosshans, PhD. with Janet Burton, LCSW, (Sterling Publishing, 2008)

When Parents Wield Too Much Power

At the opposite extreme from the pushover parenting style, overly domineering parents exert excessive power and control over their children, with the following harmful results:

• Using disrespectful intimidation, bullying tactics, and insufficient empathy only provokes more power struggles with children and spurs rebellion against authority figures.

• Instead of learning respect, cooperation, and self-control, children of domineering parents focus on not getting caught.

• An intimidating parenting style instills fear, hurt, and shame, and stunts the desire for learning and achievement.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

20 Daily Practices that Promote Happiness and Engagement with Life

Authored by Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS – Dr. Mom®

Professional Speaker on Topics such as Positive Parenting, Work Life Balance, Breastfeeding Promotion and Support, Personal Growth, and Family Spirituality

Remember that it takes repetitions of 21-30 days to establish a new habit.

1. Express Gratitude—Gratitude focuses on what is working in your life. It is the opposite of complaining. Get in touch with the feeling of gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal, writing more thank-you letters, and looking for the seed of something positive in every situation.
2. Stop Complaining, Blaming, Gossiping— Complaining is the common habit of dwelling on what is wrong or missing, and it has the effect of diminishing both complainers and hearers. Critical thoughts release a cascade of stress chemicals that increase anxiety and irritability. Practice observing your thoughts and choosing not to voice negative messages. We create the life we want when we express our desires in the positive, instead of dwelling on what is wrong.
3. Perform Acts of Kindness—Kindness is a natural response to gratitude. Positive feelings increase for the one who performs the kindness and the recipient of the good deed, as well as for observing bystanders. Both financial and non-financial acts of kindness increase happiness.
4. Exercise Regularly—Physical activity enhances our sense of accomplishment and well-being, raises our self-esteem, improves our thinking, and increases our health. Even a 30-minute brisk walk daily (or three 10-minute walks) can raise your level of happiness.
5. Get 8 Hours of Sleep Each Night—Chronic sleep deprivation adversely affects performance, mood, health and wellbeing. Raise your energy level and improve your attitude by going to bed earlier and taking guilt-free naps. “Sleep knits up the raveled sleeve of care.” (Shakespeare, Macbeth).
6. Experience Human Touch—Touch improves the immune system and aids in healing. Give at least two hugs daily; hold a baby; hug a child; hold hands; get a massage. If you can’t hug another person, hug yourself. Touch can reassure, relax and comfort. Human touch has a powerful effect on behavior and moods, reducing depression, anxiety, stress and physical pain.
7. Smile More Often— People smile when they are happier, and they feel happier when they smile. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a spontaneous and a forced smile. When you smile, others smile back, making both of you happier.
8. Set and Reach Goals—Goals raise our self-esteem and self-confidence, and keep us more engaged with life. Choose both long-term and short-term goals, pleasurable and meaningful goals, and goals involving growth, connection, and contribution.
9. Practice Your Spiritual or Religious Beliefs—Survey data show that religious people are moderately happier than nonreligious people. If spirituality is important to you, make time for daily prayer, devotions, or meditation; weekly worship, small group meetings/Bible studies; or enjoying spiritual music.
10. Nurture Your Relationships—These include your primary family relationships, as well as extended family, friends and colleagues, or even pet companions. The best relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Being with others raises happiness, so make an effort to get out and socialize.
11. Experience Moments of Flow—Regularly engage in those special activities that provide both peak experiences and performance. Flow occurs when we perform at our best and enjoy what we are doing.
12. Schedule Some Simple Pleasures Each Day—Celebrate the small things that give you pleasure—enjoying a cup of coffee or tea; reading a good book; preparing a healthy meal; taking a leisurely bath; or savoring a piece of chocolate. Pause to focus on the warmth of the sun or the sweetness of an orange.
13. Prime Your Environment—Our environment influences how we feel, think, act, and perform. Prime your environment with pictures of those you love, art that feeds your spirit, plants, reminders of your goals, inspirational quotes and affirmations. Reduce clutter and chaos in your environment.
14. Donate and Volunteer on Behalf of a Meaningful Cause. Just as when we perform acts of kindness, whenever we focus on the needs of others, we reap benefits ourselves. Volunteering on behalf of others is associated with better health and greater life satisfaction. Get involved with a cause that is meaningful to you, and use your signature strengths to make a positive difference.
15. Adopt a Humor Perspective—Laughter diffuses tension, relaxes your muscles, shrinks your problems, buoys your spirits, aids in healing and helps the immune system. Laugh at your own foibles, watch comedies, read the comics, and lighten up.
16. Use Retail Therapy Wisely—Invest in enjoyable experiences over acquiring more material possessions. Happy experiences tend to be remembered even more positively over time, while the momentary joy associated with a new purchase quickly fades.
17. Focus on What You Want in Life, Not on What You Don’t Want—Remember that your thoughts trigger your feelings. Positive thoughts are stronger than negative notions. State your desires in the positive, since positive feelings make it more likely that you will draw into your life what you want.
18. Live in the Present Moment—Most of the stress we experience is based on something we interpret as bad that has already happened, or some disaster we anticipate in the future. Yet, the past is gone, and the future calamities we dread may never materialize. Happiness is found in savoring the present moment.
19. Practice Mindfulness Meditation–Research suggests that mindfulness meditation may improve mood, decrease stress, and boost immune function. Calm your mind by focusing on your breathing, while observing intruding feelings and thoughts without judging them, for about 10 minutes twice a day.
20. Simplify and De-Clutter Your Life—Too many possessions and commitments can create disharmony in our lives and increase our stress level. Taking things out of our life can bring us more happiness. Begin with small steps to downscale, slow your pace, and simplify your life.

Copyright © 2012 Marianne Neifert, MD, MTS

On any given day you’ve probably had two or three showdowns with your child over everything from brushing her teeth to getting in the car seat  – all before lunch. But contrary to how things may seem, most kids like to behave in a manner that makes them (and you) proud  – at least most of the time. The best way to get there: Help your child feel as if you and she are on the same team. These six strategies show you how.

Build stronger bonds

If you want your child to be more cooperative, change your focus from improving him to improving your relationship. When you dwell on the ways he’s misbehaving, it just discourages both of you  – you feel like a bad mom, and he feels as if he can’t do anything right. Besides, all that energy you’re using to correct him could be channeled into something more uplifting and effective. So try to give him positive feedback several times a day  – a specific compliment on something you see him doing (“You’re choosing such great colors to draw your picture,” or “I really like the gentle way you played with your baby sister”). And don’t forget to spend some time with your child each day, doing something he enjoys.

Be a booster

After having fed, diapered, dressed, and done just about everything for your baby, it’s hard to step back when she’s older and let her do things herself (especially when you’re in a rush). But micromanaging her life  – from telling her exactly what to wear to opening her juice boxes  – just sends the message that you’re not confident about her abilities. So whenever you can, let her accomplish as many small tasks as possible.

And as much as you’d like to help, it’s better for her to resolve some squabbles with her playmates or siblings on her own. You can encourage her to do this with a couple of simple sentences that state the problem and provide a resolution: “I understand you’re angry, and I know you can use your words instead of screaming at your friend.”

Sympathy Works

Stay cool

We’ve all been there. You tell your toddler it’s time to turn off the TV, and he screams, “No!” Then you probably dig in your heels and find yourself in a shouting match.

But as you’ve already discovered, power struggles don’t promote cooperation. They only make each of you angrier  – and teach your child to resist you even more.

The key is to control yourself. Maintaining your composure instead of showing your frustration lets your out-of-control child “borrow” some of your calmness. How can you do this? Label his intense feelings without judging them: “I can see you’re really mad now.” Then state the unacceptable behavior and give him a better alternative: “Kicking your truck isn’t right. You can tell me you’re angry without hurting things.” If your older child likes to argue, look for something you can agree with: “That’s true  – it’s more fun to play computer games than it is to do homework.”

Remember, it takes two to keep a power struggle going. When my kids were younger, I often found that if I dropped my end of the rope in our tug-of-war (even though it pained me to do so!), they’d eventually stop resisting me, give up the battle, and concentrate instead on their behavior and how they could change it.

Try a little empathy

As busy moms, our expectations are often, naturally, self-centered: We need everyone’s cooperation to get out of the house on time; we finally got the baby to nap and want our firstborn to play quietly. But it’s important to examine your expectations from your child’s point of view  – for instance, she feels pressured when you rush through the morning routine, which prompts her to dawdle. Or everything seems to revolve around the new baby’s needs, and your toddler was having fun banging on the piano.

When you notice and accept your child’s feelings, it helps her handle the limits placed on her. And it takes only a few extra seconds. Instead of snapping, “We’ve got to leave right now or your sister’s going to be late for school!” you can say, “I know it’s hard to get up so early to take your sister to school. If you want, you can come in your pajamas.”

And as annoying as it is, learn to tolerate a certain amount of grumbling, as long as it isn’t disrespectful. Your child’s “I don’t want to go to bed!” lets her vent her feelings. She’s also trying to distract you; if you answer her, you’ll trigger a debate, which is the last thing you want. Either ignore the comment or say something understanding: “I know you wish you could keep playing with your dollhouse, but I’m afraid it’s bedtime already.”

It also helps to show you’ve heard what she said and you empathize with her (“You’re sad that your friend has gone home. It’s been fun having someone come over to play”).

Between “You” and “I”

Blame the house

Such emotionally charged accusations as “Don’t ever let me hear you call your brother that again!” are more likely to provoke resistance than matter-of-fact comments like “Name-calling isn’t acceptable; our house rule says we treat everyone with respect.” It’s easier to get angry with a parent who’s perceived as overly controlling than to do battle with an impersonal house rule.

In the same spirit, making simple observations and nonjudgmental statements about bedtime or cleanup will probably make it easier for kids to comply with the rules. Instead of saying, for example, “Your room is such a mess,” try, “There are toys on the floor.”

Use your “I”

Kids learn early on to tune out their parents’ endless “no’s” and nagging. So if your requests and commands aren’t producing results, reframe them. Using “I” statements, tell your toddler what his actions do to you: “I get upset when I see you throwing food because I have to clean up the mess.” (Just try not to whine when you say this!)

When you give a warning, continue to emphasize what you’ll do: “I’ll take away your plate if you throw your food again,” and then follow through so it’s not an idle threat.

As you focus on your own actions instead of harping on your child’s behavior, you’ll feel more in control, and so will he. He’ll begin to see the connection between his actions and their consequences.

Of course, no discipline strategy can make kids behave perfectly all the time. But if you and your child are caught in a bad cycle, sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out the best in his.

1. Talk to your child’s teacher. Find out the homework policies, including how involved you’re expected to be. That way, you can keep your child on track.

2. Help her get organized. When she has a re-port or other long-term project to do, find out the deadlines for each task she needs to complete along the way and make sure she meets them.

3. Stick around. A child this age should work with you nearby, even if you’re folding laundry or paying bills, to make sure she stays focused.

4. Stay positive. If you’re overly critical of her work, she’ll get discouraged. Remember that she’s just a grade-schooler. Focus on the effort or creativity rather than dwelling on every error.

5. Don’t rescue her. Taking an interest in her work is great. Writing compositions or driving forgotten projects to school for her isn’t. Better for her to forget a due date and learn her lesson in second grade than when she’s in college!

Want to change your school? Parenting and Georgetown University has teamed up to launch Mom Congress, a brand-new program to help moms connect and advocate for positive change in their children’s education.

All of us harbor some fantasies about the ways our children will turn out. But they don’t come into this world to fulfill a script we’ve already chosen for them. Fostering a unique sense of self in each of our children involves what I call learning to honor the person in every child  – that is, celebrating each one’s special traits, quirks, and talents.

When I lived in Hawaii, I learned to apply the gracious concept of aloha  – which to me means to welcome the stranger and seek the good in him  – to family relationships. Each newborn is indeed a stranger to his family, a little mystery seed who’ll blossom into his destiny. Our job as parents is to embrace him and give him the freedom to fulfill his potential.

Since all parents want the best for their kids, achieving this may sound relatively easy. But to convey the message that each of your children is cherished and irreplaceable means navigating between the desire of each one to be loved more than his siblings and a parent’s wish to be fair and love his or her children equally.

Most kids assume that the attention showered on a new baby in the family means less parental love for them. So if your child can’t have all your affection, he’ll try to find out if you love him “the most.” One 6-year-old with a new baby brother would bait his mother by saying sweetly: “You’re my very best mommy in the whole world. Am I your best little boy?”

Try to resist the temptation to hint privately that you prefer one child over another. No matter how much kids long to hear it, the truth is that feeling they’re loved the most isn’t very reassuring; after all, at some point first place could go to the brother or sister who behaves better or gets a higher grade in school. Parental love suddenly begins to feel tenuous and conditional, rather than permanent and unqualified.

While children may worry about who is loved the most, parents often find themselves focusing their energies on giving each child the same amount of time and attention. But your elaborate efforts to love your kids equally will never feel truly fair to them. Your son is likely to count the number of sprinkles on his cupcake just to prove his sister got more than he did (and thus, in his mind, more love).

Instead of trying to love each of your children the same, concentrate on cultivating a separate, distinct bond with each child. Your children want the assurance that you have reserved a special place in your heart for each of them and that no other boy or girl can ever replace them. Knowing that she is loved unconditionally for who she is can go a long way in compensating a child for having to share her parents’ love and attention with her siblings.

Learning how to love unconditionally is challenging, but it’s also one of the most precious gifts we can give our children. The following strategies can help you form that individual, irreplaceable bond with each child.

PRACTICE ONE-ON-ONE

The best way to develop individual relationships with your children is to spend time alone with each one on a regular basis. Among other things, it helps cut down on your natural tendency to compare or typecast your kids. For example, your youngest is more likely to be viewed as “the baby” when the whole family is together than when he’s just going out with you.

But you needn’t plan a special outing to spend time alone with each child. When the opportunity arises  – say, when your toddler is napping  – you can play a game or do a puzzle with her older brother, talk to him about his day, or prepare a meal together. You can also invite him to work in the garden or join you when you run an errand while someone else watches the other kids.

AVOID COMPARISONS

It’s inevitable: Once we’ve had a second child, we automatically begin searching for similarities and contrasts between the two. Harmless as they seem, comparisons almost always stir up feelings of inadequacy among kids; there’s always one child who’s being viewed more favorably than the other. Comparing children also conveys the message that your love and acceptance are conditional, especially when we ask questions such as “Why can’t you be like your sister? She never talks back to me.”

But many parents don’t realize that even their compliments can pit kids against one another: “Wow, you cleaned your room! It looks much better than Marcia’s now.” Instead, try praising your child without referring to her siblings: “It’s nice to see you playing so quietly”; “You must feel relieved to have all your homework done before your favorite TV show comes on.”

AVOID TYPECASTING

Whether it’s unconscious or not, many parents tend to label their children: “Our son Tim’s the brainy one, while Mary’s the artist”; “Harry’s the easygoing one in this family.” Even though your child may enjoy having a special identity within the family, typecasting limits the way he and others view him and stifles his ability to express all his emotions (how can Harry kick up a fuss when he’s known as the easygoing one?)or try new experiences.

Although all of us have both positive and negative feelings about our children, occasionally a parent may project all her negative feelings onto one child, like the mother I knew who described one of her two boys as “her little angel” and the other as the “troublemaker.” This good boy/bad boy distinction left the “naughty” child feeling utterly defeated and quickly created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

AVOID GENDER STEREOTYPES

Most of us want our kids to have the chance to become whatever they dream of being, but we still find ourselves ruled by gender stereotyping at times, telling our children that “nice girls don’t get mad” or “big boys don’t cry.”

To make sure you don’t shortchange either sex, give your sons and daughters a breadth of experiences and a sense of unlimited possibility. Don’t assume that your little girl doesn’t want to learn to mow the lawn, play drums, or take karate lessons. And don’t balk if your son wants to play house, cook dinner, or learn to sew.

Another problem comes up when expectant parents have gender preferences, whether the preferences are spoken or not. If well-meaning friends and relatives make ill-timed comments, such as “Oh, maybe you’ll get your little girl this time,” perceptive kids soon figure out that their gender represents a major disappointment to their parents. Whatever your honest feelings about the sex of each of your children, don’t reveal those feelings to them. The best thing a parent can do is to celebrate the child they have, not the child they hoped for.

LET THEM EXPRESS THEMSELVES

One of the best ways we can help each of our kids feel appreciated is to acknowledge his intense emotions about his brother or sister without making judgments. When we trivialize a child’s feelings  – “Of course you don’t hate your sister. How can you say such a silly thing”  – he feels angry and misunderstood.

When your child says something about his siblings, no matter how shocking it is to you, it’s better to paraphrase his feelings than to react to them: “It makes you furious when she borrows your things without asking”; “You wish babies didn’t take so much time”; “Sometimes you resent having your little brother tag along.” Hearing you put his feelings into words  – even if it’s his fantasy about going back to being an only child again  – helps convince him that what he thinks and feels really matters to you.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE VULNERABLE CHILD

A child may be profoundly affected by his own or a sibling’s disabilities or exceptional gifts. A disabled child may feel like an intruder who interrupts everyone’s routines. Or she may get so much attention that her low-maintenance, healthy sibling is left to conclude, “I’m not special.”

The same thing may happen when one child is a star athlete or a musical prodigy. Her siblings may feel jealous or inadequate. Gifted kids also may feel intense pressure to perform, and they worry whether they are loved solely for their talents.

Parents of a child with special needs or special abilities have a difficult challenge, but they should try to see the child as a whole person, rather than just concentrating on her dyslexia or her record-breaking ability to run the quarter mile.

No matter how many children we have, our job should be to convince each one that she is a person of unique, infinite worth. If we succeed at this, chances are good that our kids will grow up to be happy and well-adjusted, reach their full potential, and become lifelong friends instead of bitter rivals.