Drops of Rain

big weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 09:49:00 +0000

Will write about it when I'm not dead tired.

And from the 'woah nelly' files ...

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0000

Direct message from Microsoft's academic lead in Australia this morning "can I nominate you as a judge for Software Design in Imagine Cup? If you get selected you get to go to Poland on Microsoft's tab."

Hmmm .. took me all of 2 seconds to go FSCK YEAH. Ok ... I did word it a bit better than that. Anyway he's sending me some questions that he will need for the submission form. The final in Poland is in July. Conflicts with teaching ... but, SO WHAT. Also there is the little snag that it's not in the next 4 weeks heh. But just being nominated is hell cool.

In other news, I nearly had a serious serious car accident this morning. It would have been my fault and I would have died. And worse, MrJ would probably have been badly hurt. Stupid mistake combined with 4WD blocking view and bad road design, but ... no excuse.

I thought ...

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:59:00 +0000

I would have 5 to 6 weeks left. And now I have 3-4. Really weird feeling, and now I have a lot to sort out.

More stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 23:39:00 +0000

Well the weekend was pretty crappy, as I've already said - Valentines day sucks, even last year's was better than this year. Back to work on Monday and into it ... yuck. Am just so over it all at the moment.

Anyway, Monday night Greg rang - a couple of times - and yacked on for a while. It was weird because he rang with an excuse the first time, and got my home phone number, and the second time rang to see if I had seen the beautiful sunset outside (wtf?). Anyway we ended up talking about a whole heap of things and I finally said I had to go and hung up. Yesterday felt like Monday - really crap at work again and just work work work (story of my life these days). I headed off early and went over Dee's for a meeting with Megan and Dee about the new site, and then headed home for a while before going to the movies with MissA to see "It's complicated".

It's complicated was SO funny. It made me laugh a lot even though parts of it were just so wrong. There was one part where Meryl Streep's character had smoked pot for the first time in 27 years, and she was stoned out of her brain, and gets in the car with Steve Martin's character. She's all giggly and then turns around to him and says deadpan "Have you ever poked smot?" He just looks at her, and she takes a minute to realise what she said and then cracks up, and holds up the joint, and he says "you might want to put that down" and she realises there is a police car next to them at the lights. I guess you had to see it - it was hilarious.

Of course MissA was all "see, life isn't over at 40" but I felt like saying "yeah, not if you look like Meryl Streep!". She's gorgeous, even in her late 50s. Anyway, I was going to ask Karl if we could do something tonight (Wednesday) as I haven't seen him in person for nearly 3 weeks (yeah, obviously I'm a great friend!), but saw on facebook while waiting for the movie to start that he has other plans. So yeah, scratch that. Actions really do speak louder than words. Thinking of ditching him completely but 10 years of friendship has surely got to be worth more than this? So so so so so hurt at the moment.

On the subject of men, one of the guys from that site who contacted me a few weeks ago (and I have refused to meet) has kept in contact. I've actually met him in person several years ago, as he used to own a plus-sized shop in Woolgoolga. Of course he doesn't remember meeting me, but I do remember him vaguely - he was pretty flirty and accurately picked my clothing size just by eyeball (which was impressive). He's really pushing to meet, but I don't think it's worth meeting anyone - just a waste of time and effort.

Today is the info session for the new students and I get to stand up and give a presentation about WIT. So not wanting to do it, feeling like I do about myself at the moment. Roll on surgery.

valentine's weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 02:27:00 +0000

Feeling pretty crap this weekend. Nuff said about that as I no longer can say how I feel about things on this blog.

Anyway, Greg contacted me on Friday night via sms and we were sms'ing back and forwards a bit, and then I sent him a pic of my new hair heh. He thought it was Ari (or at least said he did, which was probably bs), and then was really complimentary.

He said he was going away to visit his family down south this weekend, so wouldn't see me (which I thought was a bit weird since he hadn't arranged to see me anyway.
Then sent a message to ask me to coffee before he left, on Saturday. So we went to Moonee and shared a muffin and I had a diet coke while he had a couple of cups of coffee. It's weird. I look at him and think nope, not attracted at all. But it's nice having someone around who actually wants to be reallife friends with me, limited as it is. So yeah, mixed feelings.

Weirdly, a few other people have contacted me via that old profile from last year, despite me doing nothing on it and removing my pic after that student checked it out. A couple that want to meet. But really, events of the last 6 weeks have convinced me that its a waste of time meeting anyone. So I think I will leave it.

Anyway, valentines is now the third worst holiday of the year, so screw it all.

No time

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:23:00 +0000

Not enough time to update properly but a quick update on hot chocolate yesterday.

I went along prepared to (relatively nicely compared to what he deserved) tell him to get knotted, and no, I wasn't going to do whatever, and then buy myself a freaking hot chocolate with TWO marshmallows. I got there first and as he walked in he looked really shamefaced ... came up to the table (I hadn't bought the hot chocolate yet) and said "I really stuffed up, didn't I?" me "yes". him "I really said some wrong things, didn't I" me "yes, and boy do you have me wrong". So he sat down and I told him (politely) how he had got it ALL wrong. He agreed (surprisingly) and then said "hey, let me buy you a hot chocolate" and I said "ok" and he said "marshmallows?" ... LOL. I said no thanks (because I didn't feel like them) and he said "I will get them for you anyway" LOL.

Anyway he came and sat down with me and we talked for about 1 1/2 hours about all sorts of stuff. He freaked me out a couple of times saying stuff that implied that he was really interested in me (not as a friend), but he backed off fast when I didn't pick up on it. So yeah, it's all still 'interesting'. He hasn't arranged to see me again yet.

Now off to stand at the front of the exam while the students sweat over it *sigh*.

Pondering

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:58:00 +0000

I think I made a really bad mistake last Saturday (after seeing Greg on Friday). He sent me an email asking me to sent him some info about something I said on Friday, and I think I started something that is going to get really difficult.
One of the things he brought up on Friday at 'coffee' (hot chocolate) was weight/losing weight etc. He thought I looked like I had lost some ... which I had since last time I saw him. He brought up about how much weight he had lost back a couple of years ago (a shitload) and how he was contemplating surgery to tighten things up etc. So I said that I had an appointment with a surgeon for the end of March, to get WLS. He was quite violently opposed to it as he's known a couple of people who lost all their 'excess' weight and then kept involuntarily losing weight and had problems. He said (several times) "just let me help you, I will help you if you let me" and "you know, I believe you can do it without surgery, I will help you".

So ... on Saturday I was feeling like shit and really in a not-very-good place that I won't go into on this blog, and I thought maybe he's right, what have I got to lose? If I don't lose, then I keep the appointment for WLS, if I do, it's all good, and I can postpone it (indefinitely if necessary). He was also the first person in a long long time that wanted or was willing to help/support me in that, so I thought maybe I need to take him up on his offer. And when he emailed me about something else, I replied and put in that I was thinking of taking him up on his offer.

On Sunday when he rang me, he didn't mention it, and made that arrangement to meet me for hot chocolate, so I thought he had either changed his mind, or not got the email (and I wasn't going to chase it up). Then on Monday morning I got an email ... and what an email.

He said yes he would help me, but he was warning me, it was going to be hard and he wasn't going to be "swayed by tears". And that I was to eat only salad and water from this moment on (fuck that), and that 'you won't be having hot chocolate on Thursday, you will be having water, as will I". He went on to say that I wouldn't be exercising in the pool because that was far too easy (!) and he would talk to me on thursday about what was acceptable. He also made some comment about how I didn't know that I had a strong will, but I was about to find out. I felt like writing back and saying "actually I have amazingly strong will, evidenced by the fact that I haven't yet reached the fuck out and smacked you down".

Instead I took a few deep breaths, wrote back saying I was on my way out to a training course and couldn't reply fully, but I thought he should read [url here] about deep water walking, as it is counted as a great full-body exercise, and burns more calories than jogging, and that there was no way I would be doing exercise that my doctor wouldn't like to have me do re my knee, and that I would speak with him about the rest later.
I got back a very short email pretty much saying "see you thursday". So tomorrow I have to go meet him for hot chocolate bought by me for me, and water or whatever he wants bought by him for him ... and tell him that thanks but no thanks, and hope he doesn't go postal. FUN!

Complications

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:52:00 +0000

Ok, on Friday night at the movies I ended up paying for the drinks etc because Greg didn't have any cash on him. He said he would pay me back later and I said don't worry about it.

On Sunday morning I was in the car and got a call from Greg saying he had the money for me ... and I said don't worry about it, after all he just paid for dinner for me on Friday night. He said "well let me buy you lunch then" and I said "no, no don't worry about it - seriously, it's ok" because who rings up to try to pay back money like that? Anyway he finally said ok, and hung up ... and then I thought oh shit, maybe he was just trying to make an excuse, and he's upset now.

So when I got a chance (wasn't driving) I sms'ed him and said "hey sorry, I had to keep it quick because I was driving, but its seriously ok about the money etc, you bought me dinner after all! If it really bothers you, you can get me a hot chocolate sometime" thinking that was noncommital enough but would un-upset him if he was upset. And he sms'ed straight back saying "ok, how about Thursday 4 pm at ..." *gulp* ... and of course I couldn't say no after saying that .. so I said "sure, sounds good, I warn you, I want marshmallows :P " Seems I will be meeting him on Thursday for hot chocolate then. Feels very weird.

accidental sort-of date

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 01:13:00 +0000

Ok ... weird one and I have mixed feelings about it.

Yesterday morning Greg smsed me and asked me for coffee in the afternoon. I said ok sounds good, and in the back of my mind thought "oh yeah, I promised to sort out a student group for his project" and "I bet he wants me to fix something on his computer". As I've said before, I'm not really interested in him but he is a nice guy and even though he did the whole want-to-fix-me thing before I know it came from nice motives.

So I had lunch with Linda, then went to Dee's for a work meeting, and then to coffee with him. He bought me a hot chocolate and I brought up about the student project thing, and he said "that's not why I wanted to have coffee with you, I wanted to have coffee with you because I wanted to see you" so that made me a little shocked. Anyway we were talking lots and then he said "woah it's 5:50, where did that 2 hours go?" and I was pretty shocked at how 2 hours went by so fast too. The sort of weird thing was that some people who knew both of us came into the coffee shop while we were sitting there and we got some double-takes and funny looks (and I'm sure the gossip train was pulling out of the station). Anyway he said "well it's nearly 6, would you like to get something to eat? subway is next door, we can go there?" and I said "ok, why not" ... because it was Friday night, I had nothing planned and MrJ was off at youth group by that time anyway.

So we went next door and he insisted on paying for dinner ... and I said no, it's ok, and he said "you can get it next time" which I thought was hmmm, considering this is the first time I've had anything but coffee with him alone. And this is the guy who told me he never ends up having second dates because he's never interested in the person enough?

So we are eating subway (which was pretty yumm btw) and he said he wished he could stay longer but he had arranged to go to the movies with Tony (who I also know). I said "oh what are you seeing?" and he said Avatar, and said he hadn't seen it before but Tony has said it was great. I agreed and said it was wonderful, and before I knew it he was inviting me along to go see it with them. I said no at first but he twisted my arm, and I said as long as Tony was ok with it, ok. So we went to Tony's to get him, and then to the movies. Now this is where it got a bit weird because I sat down and then Greg sat next to me, and then Tony sat 2 seats away! Now it was feeling more date-ish which wasn't what it was supposed to be. So Greg is yacking to me before the movie (and not to Tony as much), and I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Anyway, the movie was awesome (as it's been the other two times). It felt weird to be sitting next to Greg. Just weird. Anyway, I had an unexpected reaction to the very last bit, where Jake is transferring to the avatar body permanently and Neytiri reaches down and kisses his eyelids and suddenly I'm finding myself in tears. I realised it was because I was recognising what the character was feeling - that total and utter love for someone else that you just want to express by being as tender as you possibly can be with them. That you just want to kiss them all over, arm, eyelids, anywhere, and its not about sexual attraction. And I've only had that once in my life, and now that's gone and I'm not ever going to have that again. It doesn't matter if I find someone else to bonk or have some sort of relationship with ... it's not going to be the same, because that love comes along once in a lifetime, and the feeling wasn't reciprocated. So I just sat there feeling like absolute shit. So unexpectedly I had to pull myself together before the end of the movie when the lights come up and I had to face the people I came with.

Anyway so as we were leaving, Tony said "hey I'm really tired and have a big day tomorrow, why don't you guys go for coffee or something and I will head home ... Greg you can get a lift back with Raina to my place and get your car afterwards" but I said "hey guys thanks for letting me tag along with you, it was really good :) have a great weekend" and piked out. Tony definitely had the idea that Greg was interested in me, as was normal given how Greg acted(!) but it wasn't supposed to be like that so it was all a bit weird. I felt like I'd accidentally gone on a date. Very weird. Greg made quite a few comments during the night about things coming up he'd like me to come to, but I'm not so sure. He's a nice guy but there's not a spark.

Feeling like absolute shit

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:39:00 +0000

Its Saturday morning and I'm feeling like absolute shit. I'm not sure why my friendship with Karl has gone so downhill in the last month (although I have my suspicions) but it really really really sucks and is making me feel like my friendship is worth nothing. I hate it. I had thought we were getting back some of our friendship and it feels like he doesn't want that and it's hurting me incredibly. Yeah. Honesty.

twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:36:00 +0000

I protected my 'tweets' on twitter about a week or so ago when the crazy person went crazy, but it monged the twitter feed on this page, so I've now removed it. Shouldn't get a twitter login box from now on when I check posts.

update-ish

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 12:27:00 +0000

Yes .. I like adding 'ish' to words. Works for me.

I've had a lot going on since I last properly updated this blog. Someone that had been helping me on a volunteer basis with WIT and I had had a lot to do with outside that (had been informally acting as a mentor, had made friends with her) went a bit psycho (ok, a lot) and has accused me of all sorts of crap. None of which I have done. Its been a real bitch because I've had to keep a paper trail as she's threatened me and the uni with legal action, and has kept attacking me on many fronts (emails to uni address, emails to private addresses, nasty sms's and phonecalls to my mobile, facebook nastiness, twitter abuse, leaving messages about me on other students' pages, etc etc). Really nasty stuff.

Its now in the hands of the head of school, who has read everything and keeps assuring me I did absolutely nothing wrong, and she's just having some sort of 'episode'. As some of her irrational sms'es refer to how I supposedly "knew about my condition" I'm guessing he's right.

Two good things have come out of this. First is that I've been able to separate home/personal and work a lot more than I have done previously. Second is that I've realised how much the people around me at work really value and support me. I've got to say that I've never felt that before. The people who know what's going on have made a point to come and see me and tell me their war stories about psycho students, give me tips for handling it all, and offer me their support, and expressed their concern about how I'm holding up under it all. So that's been really great. And the head of school keeps apologising to ME for having to cop this as part of the workplace. It's been really different, and while I've never had to deal with anything like this before, I have really appreciated that not every workplace would have had the same reaction.

Anyway ... what else has been happening? Well, MissB had a car accident, her fault, and slightly damaged her car/damaged another car ... so she's battling money worries for excess etc. My brother Hans also had a car accident on the weekend, and wrote off the old Magna that I used to look after ... so Cliff helped him get another car at the auctions. He also got a Barina for Heidi at the auctions last week, and I've been talking to him about getting a Toyota Corolla at the auctions (maybe) in a few weeks .. for me!
MissA had major car troubles too (a blown head gasket) which has affected her finances badly (mum to the rescue again), and my tax is finally done and I have a huge amount to pay to the tax office - apparently I made a lot more on mouseup in that 12 months than I thought. So it's all a bit ouchy at the moment.

I've had domestic incidents like the Godzilla Spider Incident of '10 ... and the Alistair Mouse Approximation (x 2) but generally things have been quiet (too quiet) on the home front.

2 weekends ago I went up to the Gold Coast to have a short break, and to get MissA back from a camp in Brisbane since she had no transport. It was really good to get away and the apartment I stayed in had an awesome couch of awesomeness that I wanted to bring back with me.

Last Thursday I went out with Dee and Megan for a dinner business meeting at Mangrove Jacks, lubricated with wine and good food. It was a good meeting, and I have hopes things can bounce back from the other stuff. On Saturday Megan and I went to the ex-services for a up-market meal at the Rendevous restaurant and then downstairs to play Galaga while some guys laughed at us .. and then back to my place for some wine (lots of it) and Chuck! As she said "Chuck and Vinnie" (because I called the wine vino) ... or "Charles and Vincent" LOL.
Sunday I was feeling a little hungover but managed to go over to Karl's that afternoon and watch Castle and BSG. It was good to hang out with him again, and -maybe- he hasn't decided not to see me again.

I have been watching stargate atlantis with Josiah, and many many other tv shows ... and yes, I have square ... err ... widescreen eyes. But its been good to relax and not be so focussed on work and running around to get things done. And that's all (at least for the time being).

....

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0000

so this is supposed to hurt less? news - it doesn't. It hurts incredibly much. Makes me feel like I'm not even a person.

Sad

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 20:00:00 +0000

I really enjoyed the time that I spent just hanging out as friends, and it hurts so so so badly that he seems to not even want that anymore. What the hell did I do wrong?

well well

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:36:00 +0000

Ok, so I succumbed and weighed myself this morning when I came back from the pool, after doing 140 laps (120 yesterday). And since last Tuesday's weigh-in before seeing the doc, I've lost 3.3 kg. A drop in the ocean. But it takes it up to 14 kg or so I've lost since Dec 08.

And ... appears that Karl has decided he doesn't want to see me again. I guess the hug when he left the day after my birthday was a hug goodbye. I really mean nothing.

So ...

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:32:00 +0000

I know I am fat. I know I'm in my 40's. I know I am a single parent with responsibilities. All of which are seen as negatives by some people.
But I am worth being counted as a friend. I am worth it. Despite appearances. Fuck it - I am worth it.

More pool

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 04:06:00 +0000

I've been exercising in the pool (and just enjoying the pool) for the last 4 days straight. I did 100 laps of deep water walking today and could have kept going for another 40, but I am feeling it in my shoulders and thighs now. I didn't realise that I had forgotten to stretch my shoulders/arms for the last three days, until this morning (had been stretching out my leg muscles) so no wonder I've been so sore in my upper body for the last 3 days.

The pool is good/bad ... good because the exercise gets my muscles buzzing, makes me feel physically better, cools me down, helps me sleep at night because I get tired; bad because its a lot of time to think and for my head to replay things that were said. I had two dragonflies that paid me a visit this morning, that was fun but really took me back about 3 years to when I used to go all the time.

Still waiting on the doc to ring me back with an appointment time - pretty stupid how they get me to fax the referral to them, and then ring me. What if I'm not available that day? Damn communication. Anyway, seems like I'm naturally getting a bit of a head start on it since I've been pretty much living on fruit, vegies, lean meat and doing all this exercise. Roll on new Raina, I'm really really fed up with the old one.

another bday

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 09:19:00 +0000

Well, another birthday. It was ok. I had a surprising number of sms's and messages on facebook etc, and phonecalls. I really didn't think that many people would remember.

The day before my bday I got my hair cut and coloured. Big change - dark colour with red bits underneath, and a fringe/shaped around my face. BIG change. I'm still not 100% sure of it. Of course I was hoping that it would make me feel "hot" but it really didn't much.
I went out with Megan to the Coast on thursday night and we met up with the anime club there, who were funny people. I felt like a bit of an 'add-on', but it was a good night anyway. Sort of screwed over a bit by an sms from Karl saying he couldn't do dinner the next night after all because he had revised his plans.

My bday was pretty quiet - MrJ and I went out to lunch which was nice and then the twins and MrJ took me out to dinner at Maria's. The waiter brought out a cake with a sparkler and sang happy birthday, which was funny. He didn't know my name so he sang "happy birthday dear insert-name-here" which made me laugh.

On Saturday night (last night) I went out to dinner with Karl as a late bday dinner. He was tired but tried to put a good face on it. I don't know what's gone so wrong over the last month but I feel like we are losing what little bit of friendship we had managed to get back a couple of months ago ... and it sucks badly. Anyway, enough of that, I can't change anything.

I bought myself 3 new tops on my birthday. They weren't my normal style so its a bit weird, but maybe I need to change even more about myself. Its good to have new clothes.

I have been back at the pool the last two days - mostly just because its been so damn hot, but I did some deep water walking too and my muscles are buzzing.
I weighed myself last week before I went to the doc to ask for the referral to the surgeon, as I knew I would need it. I knew I had put on some of the weight I lost in the first half of last year, but surprisingly I have actually managed to keep off 11 kg of it. Not trying, just the way it's happened. So anyway, I haven't had much of an appetite lately and I weighed myself again tonight and I had lost another 1.2 kg since I went to the doc- and that's morning weight vs evening weight.
Tomorrow morning I make the appointment with the surgeon. I know its dangerous but either way its got to be good.

woah

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:56:00 +0000

"Your life demonstrates what is truly most important to you. People will often say what they think is important but what they take action on everyday is what is really important to them. We make time for what is important to us so if we value something, we will sacrifice things that are lower on our priorities to do the things we value." - Dr John Demartini

So ... I need to think about what is really most important to me - what I spend time doing. And stop spending time on things that aren't.

Today is the day

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:50:00 +0000

Well today I get my referral for weight loss surgery. Part of me hates that I'm doing this, and is scared because I know all the things that can go wrong. Part of me just wants to be attractive to the rest of the human race again, and to stop being invisible!

This is my sister, photo taken 2 days ago:

Isn't she beautiful?

Hey, I know I'm not going to look like that. But she is my sister, and even though she's younger than I am etc, I have hopes that I will look even half as good as she does.

I am sick of being invisible to the guys that I find attractive, and definitely not invisible to the ones I don't find attractive! Bloody Ben asked me to sleep with him again, a few days ago. I told him straight that that wasn't going to happen. I just don't find him attractive at all. And when I finally did meet the goodguys stalkeree guy, there wasn't attraction from either side - bummer because he was a lot of fun online.

I know that people should be able to either find my curves attractive, or look past them to find out what a fun sexy intelligent woman I am on the inside. But in practice, it doesn't happen, and I was naive to believe that it would.

Stupid stupid stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 04:49:00 +0000

I know I have no rights, no whatever. I know it. I do. But sometimes things just sneak up and hurt.

I have always had a 'thing' for guys with long hair. I know it's stupid, but it's just one of those things. Most of the time Karl and I were together he had short hair. But the last year or so we were together he grew it and he often made reference to how much I liked long hair. He's now got really long hair and even though we aren't together anymore, I like it that he's got it still - it suits him, makes him more attractive (and he knows thats what I think too).

So, this week, less than a week before my bday, he decided to cut it off. And I know its stupid stupid stupid of me but it feels in my gut like he's cutting off our friendship - that he wants to cut me off completely. And it hurts BADLY, and more so because its a few days before my bday and it just reminds me of all the other shit that has happened just before special occasions. Just totally totally shit timing.
At the moment I am really feeling like him saying he wants to stay friends is just words, and if its a pity friendship, I don't want it. I'm not that pathetic.

mmmm

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:56:00 +0000

Too much info time: feels soooo good to shave my legs and underarms, etc ... I really don't spend enough time pampering myself/looking after myself normally. Something that is going to change!

Answer (to why I deleted a ton of blog posts)

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:44:00 +0000

I deleted a lot of blog posts the other night, and probably would have kept going except I got distracted.
I deleted them because sometimes I should just shut my mouth and not blurt everything out here ... yes, yes I know it's ironic that I'm writing this after writing the post about WLS!
The difference is that I wrote the last post from a place of calmness and really just examining my reasons, instead of a place of being hurt/upset/depressed/reacting after something happened, like a lot of previous posts. Depression is a bitch!

Well

noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:10:00 +0000

I'm thinking about weight loss surgery again. And no, this isn't a poor-me post.
I just want to get some of what I'm thinking out and down while I'm feeling pretty unemotional about it but just looking at my reasons and stuff.

Why I'm thinking seriously about doing this:
I'm truly sick of living like I am. To be honest, I don't hate my body. I like my boobs, I even like my butt sometimes. Buying/choice of clothes is a bitch, but on the whole I am not spending every waking hour thinking oh god I'm so fat, kill me now because I'm too fat to live. Given the right circumstances, I feel sexy and beautiful and damn hot.
But I am finding it increasingly difficult to live in my body in this world/culture/whatever you want to call it. I'm sick of working harder than everyone else, just to be taken seriously, because people automatically assume that I'm not as good because I'm fat. I'm really sick of being judged (in a lot of ways).
The one that is hardest for me to take is the invisibility. That people (generally) don't bother getting to know me as a person because they don't get past the package I come in. Or that those who do know don't bother thinking of including me in invitations, group get togethers, or anything much - not deliberately, just because I'm invisible.
And I guess the biggest wakeup call this year (and I'm just saying this as a reason, not a poor-me thing or a criticism) has been realising that I lost the most important relationship to me mostly because I simply wasn't desirable enough to fulfill his fantasies anymore, and most probably because he thought his friends wouldn't cope with our relationship. Thats not saying that he didn't find me attractive, just that he wanted someone (noone in particular - just one of the more conventionally 'beautiful' people) else. That was the biggest wake-up call ever.

I'm just really sick of being not good enough - being judged and found wanting so easily. And I HAVE changed my attitude over the years, to the point where if someone doesn't find me beautiful and worthwhile as I am, then fuck them - they aren't worth it. But changing my attitude doesn't change other people's actions no matter what crappy pseudoreligious books like "The Secret" might claim .... and I really do crave and miss friendship. I feel like at the moment I'm invisible even to people who call themselves my friends (Megan for example, but not singling her out). I'm ok to talk to on the net, but they don't want to spend time with me ... what does that say about how I look?

To be honest, I feel like my personality doesn't (and hasn't) fitted my body for a long long time - except maybe for this last year or so where I've been grieving. The 'normal' me is funloving and active and wants to socialise as well as have quiet nights at home. The 'normal' me is sexy and flirty and loves a joke ... and this body just doesn't fit that anymore. I'm not saying people can't be those things and be overweight, I'm saying for me ... I find it hard for people to accept that I am those things, while my body is morbidly obese.
So I need to change my body - but how.

I know I can lose weight by eating (very) healthily and exercising for up to 2 hours a day 5 days a week, works best if I do it in a pool. But who has this amount of time to do it? And its so slow, that nothing changes, because I get fed up and depressed and I eat. And again being very honest, I don't think I can handle this life much longer without some major changes.

So what difference would weight loss surgery make?
Well it would force me to eat extremely small amounts of food (duh). I know it's not a magic bullet, I would need to exercise etc as well. But I couldn't sabotage my efforts at exercising, by pigging out on things occasionally and it would force me to think about what I was eating and make sure I actually ate nutritious stuff (being busy == eating crap food, often, for me).
I've done some research and I also talked to Angie, who had it done a couple of years ago. She went from a size 26 to a size 10 in 18 months ... and she was very honest with me about it ... she said it wasn't a magic bullet but it was also the best thing she's ever done for herself. She also felt judged and invisible and that has changed for her.
I've also checked out the details of health insurance and risks etc. I know it's dangerous, but hey, so is driving off a cliff, and I nearly did that a few times over the last month.

It's weird - part of me goes .. fuck the people who don't want to get to know me properly/spend time with me now ... but the reality is ... they don't ever really get to know the real me. So they are rejecting the 'fat woman' stereotype, and not the inside Raina.
I want people to get to know the real me. I want to get out and have fun and be social, and not feel like I'm in a prison of my own making. So yeah, I'm considering weight loss surgery seriously.

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noreply@blogger.com (Raina) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 11:38:00 +0000

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