Five years ago “vaping” was picked by Oxford Dictionary as its word of the year. If they were picking today, they would probably go with “JUULing” (pronounced jeweling) – coined from the vape device called JUUL.

JUUL’s popularity with teens helped turn this noun into a verb (just like years ago Xerox verbed into Xeroxing and Google into Googling). In fact, JUUL’s use has become so common that it accumulated a majority of the e-cigarette market in just two years.

This explosive growth has left many of us moms scrambling to learn about the risks, what to look for, and how to talk with our teens about it. To help you catch-up, here are a handful of facts you should know about JUUL:

1) There has been a startling increase in teen use of vaping devices in the past year. Over 37% of 12th graders report vaping in the last 12 months while over 20% report vaping nicotine in the 30 days prior to the survey. Vaping among younger teens is rising at record rates too. And many teen e-cigarette users don’t realize they are consuming nicotine when they vape. In fact, most teen users think they vaped only flavoring – not nicotine – the last time they used a product.¹

2) One JUUL pod contains about as much nicotine as a pack of cigarettes. A $49.99 starter kit contains a JUUL device, charging dock, and four nicotine JUUL pods. Although most young users surveyed said they were unaware that JUUL products always contain nicotine, each liquid filled pod contains about the same amount of nicotine as a pack of cigarettes (or about 200 puffs).²

Not only is nicotine highly addictive, nicotine exposure in teens is especially worrisome due to the fact that their brains are going through massive changes. Nicotine use may rewire teens’ brains, making it easier to become addicted to other substances and adding to problems with memory, concentration, and impulse control.

3) The slender JUUL is easy to hide. It looks like a thumb drive and can be charged in a USB port. It comes in a variety of sweet and fruity flavors. Although it does not produce a strong odor, take note if you catch a whiff of mint, mango or another flavor where there doesn’t appear to be a source.

4) Most teens who ever used JUUL say they tried it because their friends use it. The appealing variety of sweet and fruity flavors – such as mango, fruit medley, and crème brulee – was a close second most popular reason given by high school and middle school users.²

Most kids start vaping out of curiosity, the flavors, and wanting to fit in. However, overtime, it can become a habit. This is especially true if it is used to relieve anxiety or feeling down. Some kids become addicted to nicotine and continue to vape to avoid withdrawal symptoms.

5) Teens are getting JUUL at stores, from friends, and online. Although, by law, teens are not allowed to buy tobacco products, they’re still managing to get it. A recent national sample of 12-17 year olds found that nearly three quarters of teens were getting JUUL from a store or outlet. A little more than half said they got it from a friend or family member. While only 6 percent of teens purchased it online, all who tried to obtain it online were successful.²

Try This
Once you are equipped with some facts, look for opportunities to discuss vaping with your teen. Below are some tips to help get the discussion started.

Have conversations rather than lecture. These may be sparked by an advertisement, seeing someone creating a vape cloud, or even a letter sent from school about vaping policies. Begin by asking an open-ended question such as “What do you think about vaping?” and “Why do you think kids vape?”

As you listen, remember that acknowledging your teen’s right to have an opinion that differs from yours, is not that same thing as agreeing with their perspective or condoning unacceptable behavior. And don’t assume that all the outrageous things your teen says are what they really think. Our teens often use us as sounding boards. By challenging us they get new ideas and insights into what we believe and what we value as they decide which of these to take as their own.

Try to really listen to understand why. Often when we hear things we don’t agree with or don’t like, we stop really listening and instead simply wait to make our own points. But if your teen is vaping, your best way to safeguard their health is to understand why by asking questions like “How does vaping make you feel?” and “What do you like about it?”

Answers to these questions can help you determine whether they’re experimenting because they’re curious or bored, using regularly to stave off sadness and anxiety, or whether they’re using to try to feel normal because they have become addicted. Knowing why they are using underscores your teen’s needs. And with that knowledge, you can help them find healthier ways to deal with their needs.

Talk about your concerns and expectations. Share your concerns about the risks – concerns about nicotine, about the heavy metals and chemicals that are in the electronic cigarette liquid (with or without nicotine), unknown health risks, as well as the severe facial and leg burns linked to e-cigarette explosions.

Be clear about what you expect. When our messages are vague, it’s easier for our teens to ignore what we say. And if you set consequences, be sure to follow through. Because when our consequences are unpredictable, our teens themselves may become uncertain of how they want to behave.

In addition to talking about the risks, also talk about why teens might want to vape.
– If your teen is tempted by the novelty and rush that comes from trying something new, look for other, healthier ways for them to meet that need. For my son it meant helping him purchase a mountain bike so that he could ride the steep trails in the foothills near our North Carolina home.

– If you learn your teen is using to feel better or because they’ve become addicted, you’ll want to seek professional advice.

If you have a younger teen, role-play how to refuse. Sooner of later, most teens are likely to be in a situation where they will be offered an opportunity to try a flavor or see how big of a cloud they can blow. Discuss potential dilemmas and help your teen think of ways to handle them. Together come up with words that feel right to them and that they can say naturally. And coach them on using direct eye contact with confident body language.

Bottom Line
Keeping up with all the risks, having conversations, setting limits, meting out appropriate consequences, and generally looking out for the well-being of teens is hard work. And, by nature, teens usually don’t think they need their parents’ advice or help.

But rest assured, you and your beliefs and values matter deeply to your teen. They will almost never tell you this – at least not directly. But it’s still true.

Sources and Resources
¹Adolescent Drug Trends in 2018

² Truth Initiative: Latest Research

Behind the Explosive Growth of JUUL

Vaping, JUULing and e-cigarettes: What teens and parents need to know

How To Talk With Your Kids About Vaping

6 Important Facts About JUUL

Qui#ing

Across the nation people are talking about Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her when they were both adolescents. Teens are joining the heated debate. But what are they learning from all of this?

Below are some pointers for turning this news story into a teachable moment.

Try This
Ask questions and listen. Ask your teen if their friends and teachers are talking about the Kavanaugh story. Ask them why they think this story is such a big deal. Ask what they believe about the two sides of the debate. And encourage them to use evidence to justify their opinions. This shows them that you value their point of view and opens the way for a bigger conversation.

Talk about caring for their friends. Discussing how your teen can be a good friend to someone who has been sexually assaulted helps move the conversation into their real life and lets you begin to talk about details they may otherwise not be open to talking about.

Discuss the deep emotional impact of sexual assault. Several factors affect the impact of sexual assault – including the circumstances of the assault, the relationship of the two people, and the history and psychological makeup of the individual. But the emotional impact of being sexually assaulted is deep. It can lead to intensified fear and anxiety. It can also cause self-blaming, shame, depression, and difficulty trusting others.

Talk about why it can be especially difficult for teens to report an assault. The fact that the victim usually knows the perpetrator means that a teen who has been assaulted may be afraid that they will be smeared by the perpetrator’s friends or excluded by their social circle. In addition, our culture’s history of victim blaming means that teens who have been assaulted may worry that they will be accused of making things up or being the one who did something wrong.

Make sure your teen knows that their strong support for a friend who has been assaulted can help alleviate this added worry and pain.

Role play to give your teen tools. If our teens see someone being pressured into any kind of sexual contact, we want them to have the tools to try to intervene – either directly or, if that is too risky, by distracting the potential perpetrator. So anticipate potential dilemmas and help your teen think of solutions. Together come up with words that feel right to them and that they can say naturally.

Talk directly about sexual assault.
Talk about safety. Talk about how to recognize factors like isolation or drunkenness that can raise the risk of sexual assault. And talk about how they can trust their instincts when they feel things are going wrong.

Discuss respect and caring. Our teens – especially our boys – need to hear us say that all sexual activity should involve mutual respect and caring. This means it’s not okay to pressure someone into having any kind of sexual contact. And that sex should never be about conquest.

Emphasize the importance of consent. Our teens need to know that sexual assault by definition is any unwanted sexual contact. This means they must give and get permission to initiate anything sexual. And it means that permission involves someone clearly saying that they want to engage in sexual activity. “No” doesn’t mean “yes.” And neither does silence.

These books can help teens understand the importance of consent.

Be prepared to support your teen. We want our teens to see us as someone they can trust enough to disclose painful things. Yet, having a child tell us that they have been sexually assaulted is excruciating. And realizing that it will upset their parents is why some children never tell them.

Avoid blaming. Sometimes, while dealing with our own runaway emotions, we parents inadvertently make our teens feel they’re to blame by saying things like, “You should have known better than to stay at that party!” or “We’ve talked about the risks of drinking!” or “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

If your teen tells you that they’ve been sexually assaulted, the most important thing you can do is to be nonjudgmental. Don’t ask why they were in that place or why they didn’t tell you right away or lecture them about the risks.

Be supportive rather than controlling. Seek to offer guidance rather than take over the controls. Because part of your teen’s healing process is to regain the sense of control they lost in the assault.

Let them know they are not alone. Assure your teen that it was not their fault. Tell them that you’re really sorry that this happened to them, that you are glad that they told you, and that you will help them in anyway you can. In addition, remind them that there are others trained to help with healing from the experience.

Click here for more on how to support your teen.

Bottom Line
We need to have these conversations with our teens even when they make us uncomfortable. Because we parents are our children’s most important teachers about sex and safety. And teens often say that we parents are their preferred source of information on these subjects.

Sources and Resources
About the National Sexual Assault Hotline
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Books to Help Teens Understand the Importance of Consent
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/lists/books-to-help-teens-understand-the-importance-of-consent

Making Campuses Safer by Lea Winerman in Monitor on Psychology, Oct. 2018

Seven Ways to Help a Teen Survivor of Sexual Assault https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-teen-age/201207/7-ways-help-teen-survivor-sexual-assault

Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault

Why Sexual Assaults Go Unreported by Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal (Oct. 1, 2018)

Parents often ask me what they can do to help their teen take school more seriously. My response varies, depending on the kid. For some encouraging their teen to get more sleep is at the top of my list. For others, it’s to get them involved in a school-related extracurricular activity.

And regardless of what else is on my list of suggestions, I also recommend that they nudge their teen to look into the future. Because having some vision of where they are headed – even if their vision changes multiple times – seems to benefit all teens.

Years ago while teaching seventh grade, I watched some students work hard and do well (persevering even when things got difficult or tedious) while some of their more naturally talented classmates did not. Most of the time the persevering students had a guiding purpose – a long-term goal that they were working towards that acted like a guiding North Star for them.

A decade later while teaching at the college level, I noticed something similar. Some of my students saw college as an end in itself. Others came to college with an idea of what they might do for their work life and saw college as part of that path. The students who had an idea of where they were headed seemed to have an advantage over their more ambivalent peers. Students with a career path plan – even if they changed their mind and headed in a different direction more than once – had a guiding purpose that gave them a reason to get to their early morning classes, work harder on the required coursework, and graduate on time.

Try This
As the new school year begins, nudge your teen to take a look into the future and develop some vision of where they are headed.

Talk with your teen about their current interests and strengths. Encourage them to make lists of the things they like to do, the things they like to learn, the things they value, and the things they’re good at – perhaps even better than most kids their age. Then talk with them about how their combination of interests and strengths might be used in a career someday.

Encourage your teen to explore their career interests. Informational interviews and job shadowing are great ways for teens to learn more about a career that interests them from someone with real life experience. Both also can help teens see how what they are learning in school can be applied in the real world.

Informational interviews are 20 to 30 minute conversations in which students have an opportunity to gather information about a specific career by talking with a professional and asking questions about what it’s like to work in their field and what it took to get where they are today. You can read more about informational interviewing and how to develop interview questions here.

Job shadowing lets students try on a career by visiting a workplace and following a professional through their workday. A job shadow usually lasts one day but they can last several days or longer to give a student a more in-depth look at a certain career. You can learn more about job shadowing here.

Many professionals are willing to help with informational interviews and shadowing. Some school guidance offices have lists of professionals in the community who have volunteered to help. Your network of family and friends is another good place to look.

Bottom Line
Teens who regularly think about what they want to do with their life and what kind of person they want to become, have a better sense of direction. They may change their mind and head in a different direction more than once. But at any given time they can articulate in a sentence or two where they are headed and what everything they are doing is all about.

Teens with a vision of where they are headed tend to take school and their other activities seriously. And instead of being discouraged by setbacks, they tend to take charge of their problems and persevere – and are, thus, less likely to get off track.

Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place electronically – through email, a chat room, texting, an instant message app, or a website. Nationwide, nearly 15% of high school students say they were bullied online during the last 12 months, according to a report just released by the CDC. At the middle school level, nearly 25% of students say they’ve been bullied online. And the actual numbers may be much higher because this type of thing tends to be underreported.

Cyberbullying can be relentless, affecting many teens on a daily basis. And sadly, it rarely brakes for summer. Instead, with more time on their hands, those doing the bullying often put the pedal to the floor.

Some of the most common cyberbullying tactics include:
– Posting mean or hurtful comments about someone or posting an embarrassing picture or a video
– Creating a mean website about someone
– Pretending to be someone else online in order to shame or embarrass them
– Threatening to hurt someone or telling them to kill themselves
– Doxing (short for the word “documents”) someone by making their personal information public

Being bullied can impact a teen’s overall happiness and wellbeing. It can increase the likelihood of anxiety or depression and increase the risk for suicide related behaviors. It can negatively affect their relationships with peers and family members and disrupt school performance by cutting into their motivation.

Teens who witness bullying are affected too. These teens often report feeling guilty about not confronting those doing the bullying or supporting the one being bullied. They too are more likely to develop mental health problems, including anxiety and depression.

Try This
Talk and listen. Start a conversation with your teen about what cyberbullying looks like. Talk about the risks to all those involved – even if your teen claims they already know. Try to listen as much as you talk. But be clear about your expectations that they 1) not post anything that could be hurtful to someone else and 2) refuse to pass along any hurtful messages that others have shared with them. Also assure your teen that you are there for them, making sure they know they can come to you with any concern.

Be alert. Many teens won’t tell their parents if they are involved in cyberbullying. They may be afraid of the response they’ll get – including the fear that their devices will be taken away. So it’s part of your job as a parent to be inquisitive – even nosey, paying special attention to how your teen behaves when using their electronic devices. Be watchful for these warning signs:
– Noticeable increases or decreases in their electronic device use
– More emotional responses (anger, tears) to what is happening on their device
– Hiding their device or screen when others are around and being unwilling to hand it over when asked
– Shutting down social media accounts or opening new ones on their device
– Avoiding social situations they’ve enjoyed in the past
– Change in mood – withdrawn, depressed, anxious or often angry
– Change in behavior – especially in sleep patterns or in grades at school

Calmly speak up if you sense trouble. Try to stay clam as you ask questions to determine what is happening, how it started, and who is involved. Of course, you’ll be upset. This is your kid – and they may be hurting. But getting upset or reacting in anger will make it more difficult for your teen to talk to you about the issue.

Together figure out the response. Work with your teen to define a plan for moving forward.
If your teen is being bullied:
– Document. Keep a record of what is happening and when. Print copies or take screenshots of harmful content if possible. Most policies and laws define bullying as repeated behavior, so records help document the pattern.
– Report. If a classmate is cyberbullying, talk with your teen about options for reporting it to the school. You can also contact social media platforms to report harmful content and have it removed. If your teen has received physical threats or if illegal behavior is occurring, contact the police.
– Support. Strategize with your teen for ways to avoid engaging the one who is bullying them, including blocking the individual. Be available to listen and guide, reinforcing that you are there for your teen and helping them find ways to insulate themselves from the hurt. Don’t blame your teen for being bullied. Even if they have made unfortunate decisions that have aggravated the situation, no one deserves to be bullied.
– Monitor. Keep an eye on things to determine if additional support is needed from a counselor or mental health professional.
If your teen has witnessed someone being bullied: Help them come up with some safe ways to offer support and standup for the person being bullied. Peers can sometimes positively influence the situation by posting positive comments about the teen targeted with bullying. It can also help to reach out to the teen being bullied to express concern.

Bottom Line
Cyberbullying is a form of bullying. Make sure your teen knows that you take all forms of bullying seriously. If you notice warning signs that your teen may be involved in cyberbullying, take steps to investigate their online behavior.

If cyberbullying is happening, address it the same way you’d address other forms of bullying: by supporting the teen being bullied, addressing the bullying behavior of a participant, and helping teens who’ve witnessed bullying find safe ways to try to support the teen being bullied.

Next Up
A future post will take a look at the other perspective: what to do if you learn that your teen has been bullying others online.

Resources
Report Cyberbullying
https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/how-to-report/index.html
Five Ways Parents Can Help Prevent Cyberbullying by Rebecca Lacko https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/five-ways-parents-can-help-prevent-cyberbullying_us_58ed0627e4b0145a227cb8b1
Measuring Bullying Victimization, Perpetration, and Bystander Experiences

Click to access BullyCompendium-a.pdf

Cyberbullying Tactics
https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/cyberbullying-tactics/index.html

Most teens are moody. Everyone knows that. But how much moodiness is normal?

New data released by the CDC last week show that teen depression – which has been increasing for a decade – is continuing to rise. In the past year, 31.5% of high school students reported feeling sad or hopeless almost every day for two weeks or more in a row. Yet, we parents are often painfully slow to acknowledge the warning signs of depression in our teens – especially when compared to the attention we give other disease symptoms.

Part of our hesitation can be explained by the fact that teen depression is a relatively new diagnosis. Until the 1980’s psychiatrists didn’t think that adolescent brains were mature enough for an adult illness like depression. Plus until the mid-80’s there were no safe, effective drugs to treat depression in teens. So historically speaking, doctors were reluctant to diagnose the illness in teens and quick to dismiss teen moodiness as part of normal adolescent development.

But we parents can also hesitate to acknowledge the warning signs because none of us would choose for our teen to have depression. Given the choice between, “My teen is a moody kid” and “My teen has a potentially life-threatening illness” we’ll pick the first. The second is too scary.

Try This
How much moodiness is normal and how much is a sign of depression? With teen depression on the rise, more parents are asking themselves this question.

To monitor your teen for signs of depression, look for changes in three main areas:

Changes in Mood
Feeling sad or low
Irritability
Feeling nothing or a lack of enjoyment in formerly pleasurable activities

Changes in Physical Symptoms
An increase or decrease in appetite, leading to a change in weight
Sleeplessness or not being able to get out of bed in the morning
Not being able to focus or concentrate
Having little or no energy
Feelings of agitation or restlessness, sometimes relieved by self-medication via drugs, alcohol, or self-harm

Changes in Self-Attitude
A loss of confidence or self-esteem
Feelings of worthlessness

Note: Although most people have experienced one or more of these symptoms in their lives, to diagnose depression, psychiatrists look for a cluster of symptoms that last for at least two weeks, interfering with a person’s functioning socially, academically, or emotionally.

(Karen Swartz, psychiatrist and director of clinical programs at the Johns Hopkins Mood Disorders Center)

Bottom Line
Adolescent depression is a common illness among teens that is often not recognized. There are effective, safe therapies and medications to treat it. But if left untreated, depression can have dire consequences.

So be on the lookout for warning signs in your teen. When you ask them how they’re doing, also ask them how they’re feeling. Get help if worrisome symptoms persist. And be sure that your teen knows that if they’re concerned about themself or a friend, they can talk to you about it.

Selected Sources and Resources
The Rise of Teen Depression by Joe Sugarman in Johns Hopkins Health Review; Fall/Winter 2017
Youth Risk Behavior Survey: Data Summary & Trends Report 2007-2017 https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/pdf/trendsreport.pdf

After a tragedy such as the celebrity suicides that have been in the news recently, it can be a struggle for us parents to figure out what to say to our kids and what not to say. Some of us may worry that talking about suicide may put ideas in our teen’s head. But the research is clear that talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal. Plus your teen has almost certainly heard the news and not talking about it with them can send the message that you’re not open to discussing it with them.

Try This
Below are some ideas for talking with your teen about these tragedies in a way that can increase their safety and resiliency.

Start by being curious about what your teen already knows or thinks they know. Ask what they’ve heard. Most teens will have heard something and some teens may respond with, “I already know all about it.” But asking them to share with you what they know can be very enlightening. After listening to their response, calmly correct any misinformation if you can.

Ask what questions they have. Teens are likely to have questions and can often benefit from added information. So share any additional information you have, avoiding graphic details and speculation. Of course, teens have access to detailed information and rumors online, so it’s best to be aware of what’s out there and talk with them about what they might see or hear.

Put the news in context. Broaden the discussion from tragic news items to a larger conversation about how people cope with stress, disappointment, and other hardships. It can also be helpful to talk about the complicated factors that can contribute to someone committing suicide, including mental health issues.

Make sure they know who they can turn to if they’re in distress. One of the most valuable messages you can communicate to your teen is that if they have thoughts about harming themself, you and others who care about them will listen. Emphasize that no matter how hopeless or terrible a situation might feel, there are always options. Assure them that even if there is no quick solution to the problem, working together you can come up with options and figure out a plan.

Our teens are sometimes reluctant to confide in us, so it’s wise to make sure your teen knows there are other people they can talk with. Help your teen identify a few other caring adults, including relatives, family friends, or medical professionals, they can trust.

Finally, talk with them about the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Let them know that they can call this number any time of the day or night to talk with a skilled person who will listen to them, understand how they are being affected by the problem, and provide support. The service is available to anyone for free, and all calls are confidential.

Bottom Line
We need to talk with our teens about suicide. Talking about it can help reduce the risk.

Selected Sources and Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Parenting Teenagers: How to talk to your teen about suicide https://med.nyu.edu/child-adolescent-psychiatry/news/csc-news/2016/parenting-teenagers-how-talk-your-teen-about-suicide

What to Do if You’re Worried About Suicide: A parent’s guide to helping a child in distress https://childmind.org/article/youre-worried-suicide/

Some experts argue that competition encourages excellence and builds character. Others claim that we’ve gotten too carried away with striving to be number one and that there is no such thing as healthy competition. So who’s right?

Researchers recently set out to answer that question. But after analyzing hundreds of studies on competition they concluded that there was no clear answer. Sometimes competing enhanced kids’ learning and performance, but just as often it did not. Digging deeper, however, researchers found that competing often beats working solo when kids get a chance to experience camaraderie and mastery as part of the process.

Many kids say they prefer to compete as part of a group (like on math teams and in chess clubs and science fairs) because they like being with their friends while learning. There’s still pressure – including the additional pressure of not wanting to let the team down. But the stress is buffered by the camaraderie of having teammates.

How kids think about the competitive process can also affect learning and performance. The best competitors view winning as succeeding at problem solving. And they don’t just compare themselves to others. They focus at least as much on learning something and beating their own personal best.

Try This
Here are a few things to keep in mind when you think about competition.

It’s okay if kids want to win. Most of us long to be the best at something. And it’s much more fun for them (and us) if they win. But it’s much more important that kids learn to work hard even when they compare themselves to the best around them and determine they’re not a star. This is essential for succeeding in a competitive world. We can encourage this by expanding our definition of what it means to succeed – so that the motive becomes not just to win but to learn or master something as well.

Kids don’t need to always win. If kids always win, even when they’re not turning up the effort, they’ll come to think that just showing up entitles them to a win.
Plus not winning can help give kids an accurate world view – letting them see that they’re not the best at everything and that losing is not the end of the world.

Kids do need to learn how to fail forward. To be successful over the long haul, kids have to be taught how to bounce back, reset goals, and keep on growing. We can encourage this by helping them see competition as a problem-solving task – with losing viewed as falling short of their goals, not falling short as a person.

Pressure should have an end point. Pressure itself is not a bad thing. In fact, the right amount of pressure can help kids focus on the task at hand. But endless pressure can be harmful. So there should be some ebb and flow in the pressure kids face, giving them time to rest and recuperate.

Encourage group and team activities. These emphasize cooperation and camaraderie that can teach kids how to work with and cheer for others.

Be aware of your messages. Our model is powerful. If we’re too quick to quit when things get tough or blame external forces when things don’t go as we hope, our kids will pick up on this regardless of what we say.

Bottom Line
We aren’t going to eliminate competition. If we did, we’d have to let everybody do whatever they want whenever they want to do it. And that can’t be done. But we can reframe the way we think about competition. After all, winning is exhilarating and motivating. And although it’s almost always more fun to win, losing can teach valuable lessons too.

Selected Sources and References:
Bronson, P., and A. Merryman. 2014. Top dog: the science of winning and losing. Hachette Book Group. New York.
Richtel, M. 2012. The competing views on competition in New York Times.
Rimm, S. 2010. Teaching healthy competition.

We love our kids and want the best for them. And we have an important role to play in their achievement. Hardly anybody would disagree with that. In fact, study after study has shown that parents’ expectations can have a strong, positive effect on children’s success – sometimes more than any other type of parental involvement.

The problem is that we often use a sample group that is too-small and too-subjective when we set our expectations. We use our older children, or a neighbor’s precocious child, or even our own unreliable childhood memories to determine the height of the bar.

Using this subjective sample group, we tend to set the bar too high. And when our kids don’t live up to our expectations, our stress level rises. We crank up the pressure.

Even if our intentions are to guide, if we’re not careful, we can end up pressuring our children and pushing them over the slippery stress slope – particularly if what we want is not inline with our kid’s level of maturity, ability, or interest. The following conversation between a father and his son, a high school football player on the morning before a game, is a good case in point.
Father: You stressed out?
Teen: A little.
Father: Good. Because stress is all part of football. If you’re not throwing-up in your mouth, you’re not doing it right. Nerves are good.
Teen: There’s a few hours left until game time. I think I’ll just go lie down under my bed for a little while.

This father was right – at least in part – when he said that nerves are good. Up to a point, stress can help with focus. It can motivate and energize. But too much stress has a negative effect on performance.

The same thing can happen with our expectations. If our expectations are too low, it can make it hard for our kids to see and achieve all that they can do. But unreasonably high expectations can lead to high anxiety and discouragement in our kids and set them up for failure. The trick is to find each teen’s sweet spot: that place where our expectations are neither too high nor too low but just right.

Try This
Below are a few tips to help you find your teen’s sweet spot:

Pay attention to your teen’s mood when expectations are being discussed. If your teen seems nervous, withdraws from the conversation, or becomes self-critical (“I’ll never be able to do this” or “I’ll mess-up and everyone will see it”) when you’re discussing their performance in school, a sport or another activity, it’s a sign that your expectations might be too high.

Emphasize motivation, hard work, and improvement. Make sure that you’re paying at least as much attention to the process of learning and growth and development as you are to the outcome like wins and grades.

Realize that every activity may not be a good fit. Help your teen find a balance between honoring long-term commitments (sticking with something even when it gets challenging) and being able to try new things.

Encourage your teen to find at least one activity where they can shine if they work at it. This will boost their self-confidence. But just as importantly it will give them firsthand evidence that effort matters – that the harder they work, the better they get.

Even the slightest adjustment in our expectations or the way we convey them – a little more care in what we say, a little more reflection on our values and what is really important to us, or a little more consideration of what is important to our teen – can result in surprisingly big improvements.

Selected Sources and References
Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 3, “The Cold”
“Parents’ Values and Children’s Perceived Pressure” in Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth Research Series
“Why Can’t Johnny Jump Tall Buildings?” by Alan Kazdin in Slate Magazine
“Are Parents’ Expectations Too High?” by Lisa Harker for ChildrensMD

Almost all teens procrastinate at something. Cleaning their room, writing thank-you notes, starting a big project all come to mind. It probably is of little consequence much of the time, but procrastination can become a harmful habit, particularly when it involves your teen’s schoolwork.

It is commonly believed that students procrastinate because of their fear of failure. However, a series of recent studies suggests that fear of a poor grade sometime down the line may not be the main cause of academic procrastination. Instead, procrastinators might put-off difficult work because they have a low tolerance for the pins and needles feeling linked with sitting down and getting started at any given moment. Despite realizing the longterm harm in what they’re doing, these students focus on feeling good now.¹ And they tend to get lost in two kinds of wishful thinking: I’m just waiting for the best time to do the work or I know I can pull it off at the last minute.²

The problem is that students who engage in this kind of thinking typically end up putting things off until panic sets in and then working furiously – cramming and even pulling all-nighters – to get it all done. As a result they learn less and the quality of their work suffers. Plus these students say that putting off their work makes them awfully anxious.¹

Telling your teen to “just do it” is not going to work any better than telling them to “cheer up” when they’re sulking.² So how can you get your teen to get at their daunting and unpleasant schoolwork and get it done? You can’t. At least not directly. Teens have to mostly get themselves unstuck. But you can talk with your teen about procrastination and offer to help by providing tips that have been shown to work.

Try This
The key to overcoming procrastination, according to researchers and academic coaches, is to just get started. And because almost any task – no matter how daunting or unpleasant – can be tolerated for a short stint, experts recommend that those prone to procrastinating begin by working for just ten minutes at a time.²

Specific suggestions³ translated into strategies that can be used to help a teen are summarized below:

Encourage your teen to start small.
If your teen is having trouble getting started on a big project designed to take several nights or weeks, you can often support them best by helping them break the work down into manageable pieces. Then encourage them to start hammering away at those little pieces one at a time.

If they’ve done nothing, suggest they start by doing anything for ten minutes. The less they’ve been doing, the lower their (and your) expectations should be in the beginning. If they’ve done nothing on the project, suggest that they start by doing anything on the assignment for ten minutes. They might begin by organizing the materials they’ll need for the project, or, if research is required, they might begin by doing a preliminary online search. Whatever it is, once they’ve put in their ten minutes, they have succeeded and are free to take a short break or continue working.

Once they’ve been working on the project somewhat consistently, suggest that they try using the first ten minutes on the hardest task.
If they’re working on a research paper, for example, they might begin to take notes on some of the reference material, or they might start a bit of rough draft writing. Again, once they have done ten minutes of the hardest task, they are free to shift to an easier task or take a short break.

Nudge them to do at least ten minutes of project work everyday. Even on days when they have lots of homework or a busy extra-curricular schedule, try to get them to squeeze in ten minutes on the project. A commitment to consistency will help keep them mentally and emotionally connected to the project.

Allow (even encourage) rewards for completing the ten-minute work chunk. Small concrete rewards (a short break for chatting online, listening to a favorite song, or eating a snack) are ideal. You might even add to the options by keeping some of their favorite treats in the pantry. And remember, in the beginning it’s more about process than product. It’s not whether what they’ve done is fabulous, it’s that they sat down and did what they committed to doing.

A note about starting small to help them build momentum:
I can hear many of you protesting that ten minutes of work on a project is not enough to amount to anything – that you can’t imagine suggesting it, much less rewarding it. I get it. I once felt the same way. That is until I came to understand that the ten-minute chunks of work are about more than merely helping a teen complete a school project. It’s about helping them rebuild trust in themselves as they strengthen their willpower muscle and build momentum. And that’s best done slowly and with practice. Like when bodybuilding at the gym, willpower is best developed by regularly exercising it in small ways. You don’t want to do too much as once.⁴

Sources and Resources
1. Jaffe, E. Why wait? The science behind procrastination. Observer. April, 2013.
2. Hoover, E. Tomorrow, I love ya! Chronicle of Higher Ed. December 9, 2005.
3. McKinney, M. Overcome procrastination. Tomorrow’s Professor. Msg. 833.
4. Weir, K. The power of self-control. Monitor on Psychology 43: 46.

Teens have a lot to juggle. And now that school is in full swing, that juggling just got harder. With each successive year, their schoolwork becomes more abstract and demanding, athletic teams become more competitive and selective, and we parents tend to apply more pressure and get harder to please.

Try This
Although there are no good quick fixes for curing teens’ stress, there are lots of things that can help them be more stress resistant. And some of these are things that we parents can do. Below are three that made a big difference in our home.

Have some relaxing, hassle-free zones.
Consider making times and places in your home that are free havens from stress and anxiety. Family meals are a good place to start. Although as kids get older and more independent they tend to eat fewer meals with their family, research indicates that participating in family meals can improve teens’ physical and mental health.¹ Plus many teens say that eating dinner together is one of their favorite family activities. And most teens who participate in family dinners say that the interaction and togetherness are the best part of the meal.

Learn to listen to things that make you uncomfortable.
Teens want to be heard, and it’s easy to listen when what they’re reporting is positive and finished. But when the issues are stressful and unresolved, we parents sometimes get anxious and want to make everything okay. That’s when our quick advice (It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.) and our desire to solve the problem for them (Here’s what you need to do…) can get in the way.

To help your teen explore whatever they’re struggling with, without taking over their problem, try:

– Feel like talking…?

– What do you think…?

– Tell me more about…

Remind them of their past successes.
Sometimes we can help our stressed-out teens best by acting as historians for them. When they’re feeling anxious –whether it’s about an upcoming performance, competition, or test – we can listen to their worries and then remind them of their past successes under similar emotional circumstances.² To give you an idea of what that might sound like, here’s an example from my years as my daughter’s historian:

I know you’re nervous about the dance recital tomorrow. But I feel certain that you will get through it successfully. Remember last year. Before the recital started, you were uncertain. You were afraid you’d forget something or even fall. You had a stomachache and your throat hurt just as they do now. But you danced exquisitely, and when it was over you talked about how much you enjoy performing for an audience. You can do this – just as you have before.

You don’t need to work on these strategies all at once. Pick one that feels most natural to you and start there. Progress in any of these areas will help your teen feel stronger, more confident,and more connected to you.

Sources and Resources
1. https://www.childtrends.org/indicators/family-meals/
2. Riera M. Staying connected to your teenager. Cambridge, MA: De Capo Press of Perseus Books Group; 2003.

Being a teen today is full of pressures to perform and meet expectations. For high achieving kids, the pressure can be even more intense. These teens have to deal with their own internal pressure to achieve. And as these kids get older they’re also under more and more external pressure to perform.

One high achieving sixteen-year-old¹put it this way:
I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. When I was little I was in a spelling bee at school. … I really wanted to win. I don’t know why. There was no prize. No one cared. My parents didn’t even know I was in it. I just felt this weight on my shoulders. Like I just had to win.

And once you start over-achieving, people expect things from you. … The world. Teachers. Parents. Other kids.

To constantly perform at a high level is risky business. There’s the fear of failure to contend with as well as the real possibility of failure. Because the more kids achieve, the more likely it is that they’ll eventually fail at something. So even theses good kinds of risks – risks that can lead to achievement, self-discovery, and confidence – take a toll on kids.

Sometimes teens can get so busy trying to deal with all the stressors in their lives that they don’t realize how they are changing. That’s why it’s important that we are sensitive to the amount of pressure in our teens’ lives and monitor their behavior so we’ll know when they’re reaching their limit.

This begins with knowing what your teen looks and sounds like when they’re on stress overload. Although this varies from teen to teen, below is a list of some of the common signs²you’ll want to look for when you’re monitoring your teen.

Your teen may be reaching their limit if they…

– Increasingly complain of headaches, stomachaches, sore muscles, or tiredness.
– Are withdrawing from family, friends, and activities.
– Change sleeping habits – have insomnia or are sleeping a lot more than usual.
– Change eating habits – wanting to eat all the time or are “too busy to eat.”
– Are teary or crying more often.
– Are increasingly negative or angry.
– Feel depressed or sad most of the time.
– Are continually anxious and nervous.
– Complain of not being able to concentrate or remember.

The good new is that there are lots of things teens can do to become more stress resistant and to bounce back when they do become stressed. Below is a quiz to help you determine how stress resistant your teen is. Each statement in the exercise includes a factor that has been shown to increase adolescent resilience.²

Try This
How well can your teen resist stress and bounce back when stress strikes? To get an idea, use a sheet of paper to record how you think your teen would respond to each of the 12 statements below.

1 = Always 2 = Most of the time 3 = Sometimes 4 = Rarely 5 = Never

1. I have at least one person with whom I can talk about my problems and share my innermost thoughts.
2. I set small goals and break big tasks down into manageable chunks.
3. I schedule breaks and fun activities.
4. I practice mindfulness exercises or other relaxation techniques.
5. I get a proper amount of sleep most nights. (Teens need 8-10 hours of sleep/night to function best.³)
6. I eat regular meals – most in a stress free setting.
7. I work through worst-case scenarios until they seem highly unlikely, even ridiculous.
8. I know what I’m good at and find ways to use my strengths and build on them.
9. I exercise regularly.
10. I put things in perspective – when talking about bad times, I talk about good times too.
11. I focus on what I can control (my actions and reactions) and let go of what I cannot control (other people’s opinions and expectations).
12. I have realistic expectations, letting go of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations.

After listing your answer to each statement, total the score.

– If the score is 30 or less, your teen is probably pretty stress resistant.

– If the score is between 30 and 40, your teen may be nearing stress overload with too few strategies to resist stress.

– If the score is over 45, your teen may be in the red zone of stress overload.

Consider sharing this exercise (or discussing what you learned from completing it) with your teen. If your teen is already pretty stress resistant, encourage them to continue using a combination of strategies to maintain their bounce.

If your teen is nearing or in stress overload, look back at the items you gave a 3, 4, or 5. Improvement in any of these areas will help make your teen more resilient. You might start by picking one or two of these that you can most readily influence. For example, is there something you can do to make suppertime more relaxing? Or when your teen is talking about a bad experience, can you make it a practice to remind them of something good that happened? Might a gift of a yoga mat encourage your teen to practice relaxation? Or might you offer to help your teen purchase a membership to a local Y or fitness club? Once these strategies have become part of the routine, you can look back at the list of factors and choose a few more areas to work on together.

Sources & Resources
1. Under Pressure. Modern Family. Season 5; Episode 12.
2. The Teen Years Explained. Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. https://www.jhsph.edu/research/centers-and-institutes/center-for-adolescent-health/_includes/_pre-redesign/Teen_Stress_Standalone.pdf.
3. Teens and Sleep. National Sleep Foundation. https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/teens-and-sleep.
Packer AJ. How stress resistant are you? Wise Highs. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Press; 2006.

By now summer vacation is a fading memory. And as school ramps up, so does the level of household stress. Especially if there’s a teen living in your house.

In fact, when 1,000 teens across the nation were asked recently about their level of stress, only 13% reported feeling stressed out in the summer. But more than a quarter (27%) of the teens reported feeling “extreme stress” during the school year.

Almost a third of the surveyed teens reported feeling overwhelmed (31%) and depressed or sad (30%) as a result of stress. What’s more, over a third (34%) of the teens said they expected their stress to increase during the coming school year – with big workloads, balancing all their activities, and having to be “perfect” for colleges frequently mentioned as the major stressors.¹

Clearly, too much stress takes a toll on teens. Compared to their peers who are under less stress, teens under lots of stress are twice as likely to turn to unhealthy methods – like drinking, getting drunk, or using illegal drugs – to relieve their uncomfortable, anxious feelings.

It’s not hard to see why some parents set out on a mission to eliminate all the stress in their kids’ lives. But truth be told, this is mission impossible. Stress is a part of doing almost anything of significance. And even if we could get rid of all their stress, it would not be good for our kids. Because up to a point, stress is a good thing.

The body’s stress response is nature’s way of getting us pumped-up and giving us an edge when we’re in danger. And an appropriate amount of stress helps our kids thrive in more daily situations as well. Picture it motivating a student to study for an upcoming test. Or bringing focus to a basketball player at the free-throw line. Or energizing a dancer when it’s time to go on stage and perform.

So instead of trying to eliminate all of our kids’ stressors, it’s wiser to help them learn to recognize when their stress level is getting out of hand and encourage them to develop healthy ways to cope. And multiple well-designed studies indicate that practicing mindfulness exercises is one of those ways.

Those who practice mindfulness learn to focus their attention on what is happening in the moment instead of focusing on nagging worries that they’ve given too much power. These exercises have been shown to ease stress and anxiety and foster calmness and concentration in people of all ages.²

Try This
To get a sense of how mindfulness works, you can try these simple, one-minute exercises.³ Notice the benefits you get from this tiny investment of your time. Then share them with your kids. And remember, as with other types of strength training, it’ll take some practice to get the full benefit.

One Minute of Mindfulness
Start by checking in with your body. Beginning with the top of your head and moving toward your toes, notice how your body feels right now. See if there are any places where you are carrying tightness or tenseness. Check out your scalp, eyes, mouth, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, arms, hands, belly, legs, and toes.

Next take a deep breath. As you slowly inhale, see if you can breathe into the areas where you feel any tension. As you exhale, release any tenseness your body is holding. Let your whole body relax. Repeat inhaling and exhaling two more times.

Now end with a smile. Notice the positive feeling of letting go with a pleasant, relaxing moment.

Balloon Breathing
Breathe in slowly through your nose. As you breathe in, imagine that your lungs are a balloon slowly filling with air. Keep breathing in until your lungs are like a completely full balloon.

Then with your lungs full, pause for a moment before breathing out slowly. As you gradually let the air out of your lungs, imagine your balloon getting smaller and smaller until it is completely deflated.

Repeat breathing in and breathing out like this three times. Then notice how you feel.

Sources and Resources
1. http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/02/teen-stress.aspx
2. http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/mindfulness-meditation-may-ease-anxiety-mental-stress-201401086967
3. http://drugfree.org/parent-blog/school-stress-3-mindful-practices-calm-focused-happy-teens/