The Chris Gethard Show in the iO’s Del Close Theatre. Part of the Just For Laughs Festival in Chicago. I’m wearing an Eli Manning jersey that is too small for me. The picture was taken by Sarah Maher, and ripped from her twitter feed. (http://twitter.com/#!/smaheraja)

Four years ago almost to the day I visited Chicago with the sole purpose of checking it out before I moved there. Not moving there wasn’t an option. I had spent my entire High School existence pouring over the pages of the Second City coffee table book, listening to Scott Adsit and Adam McKay’s sketch “Gump” on the accompanying CD and getting in constant arguments about how the best SNL cast members were also the Chicago SNL cast members. It was my dream to perform comedy in Chicago. And after reading about Second City and, more importantly come college, the Improv Olympic, I knew I needed to perform there.

So four years ago I go to visit. I watched countless shows in the week I was there… I became convinced after watching Bullet Lounge destroy the house that I didn’t have what it takes… I then saw a team do a not so great Harold upstairs and decided “Oh, wait, I can do that” (looking back I think I need to thank that team more than anyone in my comedic pursuits. There’s something to be said about not-so-great-improv)… and I stayed late to do a jam session. And I knew in my 22-year-old-freshly-graduated-brain that if I killed the jam session, I would immediately be asked to join the theatre.

I neither killed nor did I get asked to join the theatre. I think I played a crazy Subway Sandwich employee.

But Chicago was still there. It was my dream, I would find a way to perform at the Improv Olympic.

Well things happened, friends moved, better subway systems became more important to me, and 5 months later I blindly moved to New York City. This was never my dream, but within literally a week all thoughts of the past dissipated and New York became my life.

This last weekend I got to join the cast of the Chris Gethard show in Chicago for the Just for Laughs festival. I got to fail at trivia (really badly fail too) in front of a sold out crowd on the stage of the Del Close Theatre. I got to share that stage with members of that earth shattering group, former iO harold team Bullet Lounge, and I had to wear an Eli Manning jersey. A little bit of New York pride infiltrating an old dream of mine… even though the Giants fucking suck.

It was a very round about way to achieve this dream of mine. But I couldn’t be happier. I was smiling the entire plane flight home.

Thank you iO for being so amazing and accommodating. And thanks to Chris and the guys and gal from the show. It was much better than my crazy Subway Sandwich employee.

Sometimes I don’t think you adequately appreciate my contribution to your little enterprise: consuming, appreciating, sharing and masturbating to your content at no charge. News reporting, filmed story-telling, watching other people have sex… historically I’ve never been charged for these services. And I never should.

Content should be free. If for no other reason than that I deserve it. Here’s why:

• I’ve posted at least 25 comments on random blogs and premium podcasts declaring that content should be free.
• I once watched 13 episodes of the 4th season of LOST in a single day.
• I did not eat a burrito yesterday.
• In the second grade I took care of the class Guinea Pig for the entire week I was supposed to.
• I live in America.
• I once created a video on YouTube that was free.
• I’ve eaten 5 burritos in the past week.
• I gave $.47 to a homeless man.
• I work for a living.
• I still haven’t seen the Wire.
• I thought about voting the last midterm election.
• Sometimes I tip my drop-off laundry person.
• I don’t want to pay.

I think I’ve made my case pretty clear. Now please give me all of the free articles, television and taped sexual intercourse you have. At the end of the day, a reliable business model means that I’ll be happy.

John Adams is sitting in a room with Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson proudly holds up a piece of paper.

Thomas Jefferson: I’ve completed it! The United States Constitution.

John Adams: Well let’s take a look.

Thomas Jefferson: Just a warning, I was up all night finishing it, so there might be some typos.

John Adams: No need to apologize.
(Clears throat and begins to read.)
We the purple?

BLACK OUT

If the Steelers Win
Screw Driver! – If Donald Driver drops the game winning catch in the endzone.
Green Bay Feeling Blue – If Aaron Rodgers starts crying in the 4th quarter.
Roethlisberger Rapes Again – If he has an amazing (and probably douchey) game.
Roethlisberger Rapes Again, Also Wins the Superbowl – If he runs into the stands and assaults a girl in the third quarter (probable), then comes back on the field and wins the game.
Steeling the Win – If they have an amazing fourth quarter comeback… or if the writer forgets how to spell ‘Stealing’.

If the Packers Win
Roth-LESS-Berger – Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch.
Anybody Got Any Cheeeeeese? – If Jaleel White is seen on the sideline with a cheese head hat. If that happens though, I guarantee there will be no article about the game, just about Jaleel White in a cheesehead hat.
Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood! – Complete with a huge picture of Aaron Rodgers laughing… and holding several puppets while wearing a sweater
Polamalu-sers – I genuinely don’t want this to be the case because I think he’s charming.
Justice! Roethlisberger Rapes Himself – If Big Ben throws an interception for a Green Bay game winning touchdown. What an ass.

If either team wins
JETS did not win – If the JETS don’t win. I can guarantee we’ll see this one.
Remember when the Giants won that one time? Amazing. – That catch was still fucking epic.

Of course there’s always the possibility Brett Favre texts another dick pic… than all bets are off.

I’m really proud of all of these. And I really want to thank Nate for letting Noah and I go along on this crazy journey. This episode features a whole bunch of my favorite people in the NYC improv scene (more than half of Sandino!), the entire New Deal and an amazing turn by Rob Cuthill, one of the funniest people I’ve met. Thanks to Todd at UCB Comedy and everyone for watching! I love playing crazy.

Mark Sanchez and Tom Brady, two different protagonists for two very different sports movies. Think SlapShot vs. Remember the Titans. Or The Mighty Ducks vs. D3: The Mighty Ducks.

All American: A Story of Patriots

Brought to you by Disney

Plot Synopsis: Going into a long heated rivalry the Patriots have to step up their game against the notorious Jets, known more for their trash talking, foul mouths and dangerous attitudes than for their football playing. Led by their stand-up coach Bill Belichick and their All-American quarterback, the Patriots have to prove to these roustabouts that the true meaning of football is found in sportsmanship and talent. Trash talking means little on the field, and American virtue and companionship are rewarded with a celebrated victory. In football, as in America, the Patriots will win over the cold steel of industry… the JETS.

Main Cast:
Tom Brady is the protagonist and virtuous leader. Tom Brady’s long flowing locks and smile have won over countless fans, and prove that he’s a keen leader. With a rocket for an arm, and an unending devotion to his coach (the “second-father to him”), Tom frequently gives impassioned speeches to his team about the virtues of team work, and the need to do the founding founders proud.

Bill Belichick is the father figure of the team, Bill refuses to let his boys engage in the tom foolery of trash talking. He knows victory is found through hard work, and teaches that valuable lesson to the team through countless drills and all-american meals like Beans.

Gisele Bündchen is the love interest of Brady. A woman from a foreign land who must learn the true lessons of what it means to be American. And she does… she does…

Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and Darrelle Revis are the villainous core. Sanchez’ dark features show he’s a force to be reckoned with. Ryan’s foul language and general shape show he’s not one who’s taken care of himself… both in God’s eyes and in cholesterol. Darrelle Revis is the superhuman enemy that no wide receiver can ever break through, and a feared name that no Patriot ever mentions as it is a cursed demon name. There are a lot of montages of Revis doing hugely athletic things like a wolf and then staring at the camera.

Danny Woodhead is the character Rudy from the movie Rudy.

Notes: This movie very blatantly mirrors the story of Boston in the American Revolution. Including numerous scenes in which Belichick talks to portraits of Sam Adams, John Adams and Paul Giamatti.

I could see this movie getting put up tomorrow and doing really well. It would be rated PG-13 and there would almost certainly be a hilarious scene where Rex Ryan face plants in mud.

But of course that isn’t what happened. The JETS took the ball and ran, defeating the uptight, goody two shoes that are the Patriots… and this is the movie that will be made for it.

J.E.T.S. League

Directed by Adam Sandler

Plot Synopsis: When the owner of the JETS decided he could do better financially moving the team to Oklahoma City he hired notorious foul mouth and defensive coordinator Rex Ryan to be head coach and a rookie QB who had only played like one season in college. All in an elaborate scheme to bring them down from the inside. But little did he know that their fuck-it-all attitude was just what the team needed to succeed. Rex Ryan throws together an elaborate group of misfits: the drunken badass (Braylon Edwards), the talented beast that holds out for dramatic suspense (Darrelle Revis) and the once great Vet that’s been given a second chance (LaDainian Tomlinson), and takes the field and the season. But after a great season they must go up against the Patriots, a bunch of uptight possibly Swedish know-it-alls who notoriously cheat with video cameras. Can the JETS take these pansies down and teach them the true meaning of fun? Yes. And they do.

Main Cast:
Mark Sanchez is the rookie Quarterback who’s finding his way in the big leagues. A bit of a sordid past as a womanizer, and an unfortunate phase when he would wear a moustache and call it the Dirty Sanchez, he has to learn the ropes of the big leagues without losing his edge. After showing his mettle he becomes a star, and a sex icon amongst the women in New York.

Rex Ryan is the head coach who must learn the ropes of the offense if he wants to succeed. A foul-mouthed, foot fetish loving old man who is just one of the guys, he instills in the team the need to rise above the rag-tag nature of their individual personalities, and brings them all together as a team. There are also four scenes where he’s eating barbecue ribs.

Ines Sainz is the hot reporter with a ball busting attitude and a phenomenal ass. The team all cat call her, she files a report, they continue to cat call her cause of their rambunctious attitudes. Basically she’s a girl from a Paul Newman movie in the 70′s.

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are the number one and number two enemies. Their rigid approach to football has won them several championships but made them lose their heart. Fans love them for winning, but they don’t have any human emotions and must cheat in order to stay on top. At the end Tom Brady looks horribly evil and robotic and ready to fight again (Sequel?!) and Bill Belichick becomes homeless.

Danny Woodhead is the character Rudy from the movie Rudy.

Notes: There’s a hilarious cameo from Joe Namath giving advice to a down on his luck Sanchez in a bar. Shonn Greene basically steals the scene every time he’s on as the smiley, friendly suck up who’s catch phrase “Let’s Give ‘Em the Greene Mile!” practically sells itself in merchandise after the movie’s release.

That movie would be rated R for language and a lot of nudity and sex that isn’t really necessary at all.

And to the Seahawks: I did not make a movie for you. But if I did it would be called “Two Quarterbacks Does Not a Half Back Make.” It would star Bruce Willis as Hasslebeck and Jesus and Charlie Whitehurst. Marshawn Lynch would be played by Predator from the Predator movies.

When you mix an incredible 67-yard run in a playoff upset, a stiff arm that looked more like a scene from Scott Pilgrim than an NFL play and the amazing fact that he casually refers to his football playing as “Going into Beast Mode,” you’ve got all the ingredients for an amazing Marshawn Lynch video game franchise. So I’m saving the video game developers the hassle of brainstorming ideas by giving them the best Marshawn-Lynch-based video games we’ve ever seen. Capcom, EA Sports and (to a lesser extent) LucasArts… you’re welcome.

EA Sports Presents: Madden ‘Marshawn Lynch
In the next installment of the popular Madden franchise every player on every team is Marshawn Lynch, and your entire team has the option of going into beast mode. Can running back Marshawn Lynch stiff arm defensive tackle Marshawn Lynch? Only you can find out. Players are also given the ability to create their own player in the new “Create Your Own Marshawn Lynch” feature. And if you beat enough Marshawn Lynch Bowls in franchise mode you’re able to unlock the Marshawn Lynch Stadium, the All-Madden-Marshawn League, and quarter back Warren Moon.

Beast Mode: Soviet Union
In this first person shooter set in the midst of the Cold War, you are U.S. super spy Marshawn Lynch in a quest to assassinate Kruschev. You are quiet, nimble and quick and if you take too much damage or pick up the right golden teeth you automatically go into Beast Mode which lets you run through campsites stiff arming Soviet soldiers and taking no prisoners. It should be noted that this entire video game you are dressed in the blue and blueish green of the Seahawks uniform.

Myst. With Marshawn Lynch.
This is just the game Myst, but every once in a while Marshawn Lynch pops into frame and yells: “Beast Mode!” He also hangs out in the lighthouse.

You’re welcome video game world. I’ve also a strong case for making him a character in Street Fighter, but I won’t go into that here.

But here’s the trap I always fall into: there is not a Gene Shalit blogger in the improv community that finds ways to turn your name into a pun if/when you have a bad show.

When Sandino was naming our team we based a lot of decisions on this make-believe blogger. When someone suggested we be called “No. 6″ (pronounced Number Six) we were quick to point out that people could easily say: “Number six? Well they’re certainly not number one.” When it was suggested that we be called “Junk Science” we were quick to jump to “Junk Science? It certainly felt like I was watching garbage!” And when we brought up calling our team “Trinidad” we quickly jumped to: “That’s kinda racist.”

But for some reason we all took these puns as FACT. No one ever questioned that there was a group of bloggers out there who watched improv shows just waiting to write a review of Harold Night and say: “Well I attended Harold Night last night, hoping for a Bastian of good times and mirth, but Sandino, no, no, no was it not good! In fact, it was Bad, Man.” We all knew that if we made it easy enough, those made up bloggers would take our name, make a ridiculous pun out of it, and run us into the ground. So when someone said: “We can’t name ourselves Walkabout! People will say we were just walking about on stage with no direction,” we immediately agreed that that was a good enough reason to throw that name away.

So to present and future improv teams naming yourselves: no one is waiting to pounce on your name. Your name is a badge, you should wear it with honor, and you define your name more than your name defines you. Months later you’ll look back and realize you could have called yourself “Walrus Butt” and things wouldn’t have changed much.

There are no mythical “bloggers” that sit by their typewriters waiting with their stack of puns by there side. And if these bloggers do exist, no one respects them. They’re just fucking puns after all.

1. Get more organized in my priorities and my scheduling.
   –OR–
   Make sure to pretend to use your iCal when you’re around human beings, and when you’re on the phone pause long enough to make it seem you’re checking a calendar when you say you’re free.
2. Be more open with women you’re interested in, and don’t be shy
   –OR–
   Make sure you make eye contact with one attractive girl on the subway for at least .5 seconds, and if you’re really feeling dangerous awkwardly bump into her on the way out of the train.
3. Read 100 books in 2011.
   –OR–
   Read 100 books, blogs, podcast descriptions and/or take out menus in 2011.
4. Finish writing that novel!
   –OR–
   Finish writing this blog post!

Happy New Year Everyone! 2010 was truly amazing, and I can only hope 2011 will be just as great if not better.
–OR–
2010 was the year you ate a lot of sourdough bread. Let’s hope 2011 will be the year you eat more sourdough bread. That is delicious bread.

The Car in the Blizzard Outside My Window

There’s a car outside my apartment building and it’s stuck in the middle of the road without anywhere to go. It keeps spinning it’s wheels to no avail, probably because it’s a blizzard. I know I should feel awful for whoever is in the car, but I also know that the driver didn’t decide to drive it until an hour ago (about 12:30), which makes me feel less bad and more WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH WOULD YOU THINK DRIVING WAS A GOOD IDEA?!

I’m trying to imagine what sort of urgent matter the driver needed to tend to at 12:30 in the morning during one of the worst Blizzards New York has seen in years. So I’ve written a screenplay about it. Here is that screenplay:

The Story of the Car in the Blizzard Outside My Window

Ext. – The Street Outside My Window – Nighttime

The camera pans down to the car sitting in the blizzard outside my window. The wheels spin helplessly. We zoom in to see THE DRIVER, Male, 23, cursing and shaking his head. Helpless.

CUT TO:

Int. of the apartment across the street from my window. One hour ago. THE DRIVER is watching TV. HIS GIRLFRIEND enters.

HIS GIRLFRIEND

Hey babe, you said you’d do the dishes, they’re stacked up.

THE DRIVER
(Exploding)

OH MY GOD! You’re always on my ass about the dishes! I’ll do them tomorrow!

HIS GIRLFRIEND

No… can you do them tonight? I don’t want mice.

THE DRIVER

You know what? I don’t need this right now!

THE DRIVER makes a huge bravado show about leaving the apartment. Clearly he does not think he needs to do the dishes. He slams the door on the way out.

CUT TO:

We’re back in the interior of car in the blizzard outside my window. THE DRIVER is shaking his head. He is defeated. But his eyes show he can never admit this defeat. He spins the wheels again. Helpless.

FIN.

Hollywood. I’m available to turn this into a feature whenever you want.